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Annotation of 40BSD/games/fortune/fortunes, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1: Ink:  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
        !             2: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
        !             3: intellectual crime.
        !             4: %%     *** Fortune datafile 3 ***
        !             5: Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
        !             6: %%
        !             7: Labor:  One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
        !             8: %%
        !             9: Once Law was sitting on the bench
        !            10:        And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
        !            11: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
        !            12:        Nor come before me creeping.
        !            13: Upon you knees if you appear,
        !            14: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
        !            15: 
        !            16: Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
        !            17:        "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
        !            18: "Amica curiae," she replied --
        !            19:        "Friend of the court, so please you."
        !            20: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
        !            21: I never saw your face before!"
        !            22: %%
        !            23: Liar:  A lawyer with a roving commission.
        !            24: %%
        !            25: Major Premise:  Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
        !            26:        quickly as one man.
        !            27: Minor Premise:  One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
        !            28:        therefore --
        !            29: Conclusion:  Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
        !            30: %%
        !            31: Mad:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
        !            32: %%
        !            33: Magnet, n.:  Something acted upon by magnetism
        !            34: 
        !            35: Magnetism, n.:  Something acting upon a magnet.
        !            36: 
        !            37:        The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
        !            38: the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
        !            39: subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
        !            40: human knowledge.
        !            41: %%
        !            42: Man:  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
        !            43: is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
        !            44: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
        !            45: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
        !            46: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
        !            47: %%
        !            48: Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
        !            49: %%
        !            50: Miss:  A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
        !            51: are in the market.
        !            52: %%
        !            53: Molecule:  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is
        !            54: distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
        !            55: of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
        !            56: indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
        !            57: corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
        !            58: %%
        !            59: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
        !            60: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
        !            61: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
        !            62: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
        !            63: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
        !            64: more about the matter than the others.
        !            65: %%
        !            66: Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
        !            67: %%
        !            68: ....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
        !            69: is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
        !            70: have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
        !            71: smell.
        !            72:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !            73: %%
        !            74:        In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
        !            75: last resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened
        !            76: but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
        !            77:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !            78: %%
        !            79: Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
        !            80: the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
        !            81: in scope, for it balks at pig.
        !            82: %%
        !            83: "Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        !            84:        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
        !            85:            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
        !            86:            force is technically termed "car suck").
        !            87:        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
        !            88:            than "Watch this!"
        !            89: %%
        !            90: Hofstadter's Law:
        !            91:        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        !            92:        Hofstadter's Law into account.
        !            93: %%
        !            94: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
        !            95:                -- Andrew W. Mathis
        !            96: %%
        !            97: "If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
        !            98:                -- Roy Santoro
        !            99: %%
        !           100: Main's Law:
        !           101:        For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
        !           102: %%
        !           103: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
        !           104: %%
        !           105: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        !           106:        It's on the other side.
        !           107: %%
        !           108: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        !           109:        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
        !           110:            check.
        !           111:        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        !           112:        3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
        !           113:            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
        !           114:            attracted to dark objects.
        !           115: %%
        !           116: "The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
        !           117:                -- Noelie Altito
        !           118: %%
        !           119: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
        !           120: larger object.
        !           121: %%
        !           122: "If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
        !           123: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
        !           124: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted."
        !           125:                -- Marguerite Emmons
        !           126: %%
        !           127: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
        !           128: %%
        !           129: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
        !           130: stupidity of your action.
        !           131: %%
        !           132: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        !           133:        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        !           134:        to.....to........uh..............
        !           135: %%
        !           136: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
        !           137: %%
        !           138: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
        !           139: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
        !           140: high as the eagle?
        !           141: %%
        !           142: If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
        !           143: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
        !           144: it, even if they don't know what it means.
        !           145: %%
        !           146: If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
        !           147: On the other, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also
        !           148: a psychological interaction.
        !           149: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
        !           150: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
        !           151: %%
        !           152: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
        !           153: %%
        !           154: A penny saved is ridiculous.
        !           155: %%
        !           156: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
        !           157: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
        !           158: %%
        !           159: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
        !           160: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
        !           161: %%
        !           162: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
        !           163: %%
        !           164: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
        !           165: %%
        !           166: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
        !           167: %%
        !           168: Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
        !           169: %%
        !           170: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
        !           171: worse in Cleveland.
        !           172: %%
        !           173: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
        !           174: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
        !           175: %%
        !           176: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
        !           177: be in owning a piece thereof.
        !           178: %%
        !           179: For a good time, call 642-9483
        !           180: %%
        !           181: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
        !           182: You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
        !           183: %%
        !           184: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
        !           185: %%
        !           186: To be is to do.
        !           187:        -- I. Kant
        !           188: To do is to be.
        !           189:        -- A. Sartre
        !           190: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        !           191:        -- F. Flinstone
        !           192: %%
        !           193: God is Dead
        !           194:        -- Nietzsche
        !           195: Nietzsche is Dead
        !           196:        -- God
        !           197: Nietzsche is God
        !           198:        -- Dead
        !           199: %%
        !           200: Jesus Saves,
        !           201: Moses Invests,
        !           202: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
        !           203: %%
        !           204: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
        !           205: %%
        !           206: Census Taker to Housewife:  Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
        !           207:        how many?
        !           208: %%
        !           209: Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
        !           210: %%
        !           211: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
        !           212: %%
        !           213: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
        !           214: %%
        !           215: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
        !           216: %%
        !           217: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
        !           218: %%
        !           219: If anything can go wrong, it will.
        !           220: %%
        !           221: "How doth the little crocodile
        !           222:     Improve his shining tail,
        !           223: And pour the waters of the Nile
        !           224:     On every golden scale!
        !           225: 
        !           226: "How cheerfully he seems to grin,
        !           227:     How neatly spreads his claws,
        !           228: And welcomes little fishes in,
        !           229:     With gently smiling jaws!"
        !           230: %%
        !           231: A very intelligent turtle
        !           232: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
        !           233:        The system, you see,
        !           234:        Ran as slow as did he,
        !           235: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
        !           236: %%
        !           237: This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
        !           238: please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
        !           239: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
        !           240: something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
        !           241: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
        !           242: %%
        !           243: This fortune intentionally not included.
        !           244: %%
        !           245: "Speak roughly to your little boy,
        !           246:     And beat him when he sneezes:
        !           247: He only does it to annoy
        !           248:     Because he knows it teases."
        !           249: 
        !           250:        "Wow! wow! wow!"
        !           251: 
        !           252: "I speak severely to my boy,
        !           253:     And beat him when he sneezes:
        !           254: For he can thoroughly enjoy
        !           255:     The pepper when he pleases!"
        !           256: 
        !           257:        "Wow! wow! wow!"
        !           258: %%
        !           259:        "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
        !           260: that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
        !           261: more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
        !           262: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
        !           263: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
        !           264: otherwise.'"
        !           265: %%
        !           266: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
        !           267:     Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
        !           268: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
        !           269:     Et le m^omerade horgrave.
        !           270: %%
        !           271: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
        !           272:     Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
        !           273: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
        !           274:     Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
        !           275: %%
        !           276:        "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
        !           277:        Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
        !           278: till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
        !           279:        "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
        !           280: objected.
        !           281:        "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
        !           282: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
        !           283:        "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
        !           284: so many different things."
        !           285:        "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
        !           286: that's all."
        !           287: %%
        !           288: Oh, when I was in love with you,
        !           289:     Then I was clean and brave,
        !           290: And miles around the wonder grew
        !           291:     How well did I behave.
        !           292: 
        !           293: And now the fancy passes by,
        !           294:     And nothing will remain,
        !           295: And miles around they'll say that I
        !           296:     Am quite myself again.
        !           297: 
        !           298:                -- A. E. Housman
        !           299: %%
        !           300: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
        !           301: She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
        !           302: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
        !           303: Silently scheming,
        !           304: Sightlessly seeking
        !           305: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
        !           306: 
        !           307:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !           308: %%
        !           309: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
        !           310: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
        !           311: scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
        !           312: wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist.  Indeed, the banality of
        !           313: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
        !           314: discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
        !           315: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
        !           316: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
        !           317: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
        !           318: different way......
        !           319: %%
        !           320: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
        !           321: you will look forward to the trip.
        !           322: %%
        !           323: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
        !           324: %%
        !           325: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
        !           326: %%
        !           327: When Marriage is Outlawed,
        !           328: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
        !           329: %%
        !           330: HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
        !           331: SHE:  What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
        !           332:                -- Walt Kelley
        !           333: %%
        !           334: Look out!  Behind you!
        !           335: %%
        !           336: If all be true that I do think,
        !           337: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
        !           338: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
        !           339: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
        !           340: Or any other reason why.
        !           341: %%
        !           342: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
        !           343: ingenious.
        !           344: %%
        !           345: Finagle's third Law:
        !           346:        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        !           347:        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
        !           348: Corollaries:
        !           349:        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        !           350:        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
        !           351:            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
        !           352: %%
        !           353: Finagle's fourth Law:
        !           354:        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        !           355:        makes it worse.
        !           356: %%
        !           357: Ginsberg's Theorem:
        !           358:        1.  You can't win.
        !           359:        2.  You can't break even.
        !           360:        3.  You can't even quit the game.
        !           361: 
        !           362: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        !           363: 
        !           364:        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        !           365:        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        !           366:        Theorem.  To wit:
        !           367: 
        !           368:        1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        !           369:        2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
        !           370:            even.
        !           371:        3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
        !           372:            game.
        !           373: %%
        !           374: Ehrman's Commentary:
        !           375:        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
        !           376:        2.  Who said things would get better?
        !           377: %%
        !           378: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
        !           379: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
        !           380: %%
        !           381: Rule of Feline Frustration:
        !           382:        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        !           383:        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        !           384:        bathroom.
        !           385: %%
        !           386: Laws of Computer Programming:
        !           387:        1.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
        !           388:        2.  Any given program costs more and takes longer.
        !           389:        3.  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
        !           390:        4.  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
        !           391:        5.  Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
        !           392:        6.  The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
        !           393:            output.
        !           394:        7.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
        !           395:            the programmer who must maintain it.
        !           396: %%
        !           397: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        !           398:        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        !           399:        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        !           400:        some useful work done.
        !           401: %%
        !           402: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        !           403:        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        !           404:        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
        !           405: %%
        !           406: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        !           407:        There's always one more bug.
        !           408: %%
        !           409: Shaw's Principle:
        !           410:        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        !           411:        want to use it.
        !           412: %%
        !           413: Sattinger's Law:
        !           414:        It works better if you plug it in.
        !           415: %%
        !           416: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        !           417:        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        !           418:        out.
        !           419: %%
        !           420: Law of Communications:
        !           421:        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        !           422:        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        !           423:        area of misunderstanding.
        !           424: %%
        !           425: Harris' Lament:
        !           426:        All the good ones are taken.
        !           427: %%
        !           428: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
        !           429:        -- Harry S. Truman
        !           430: %%
        !           431: Law of Procrastination:
        !           432:        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        !           433:        there is nothing important to do.
        !           434: %%
        !           435: Wiker's Law:
        !           436:        Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
        !           437: %%
        !           438: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        !           439:        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        !           440:        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        !           441:        percent.
        !           442: %%
        !           443: Weinberg's First Law:
        !           444:        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
        !           445: %%
        !           446: Weinberg's Second Law:
        !           447:        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        !           448:        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        !           449:        civilization.
        !           450: %%
        !           451: Pardo's First Postulate:
        !           452:        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
        !           453: 
        !           454: Arnold's Addendum:
        !           455:        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        !           456:        rats.
        !           457: %%
        !           458: Captain Penny's Law:
        !           459:        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        !           460:        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
        !           461: %%
        !           462: Katz' Law:
        !           463:        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        !           464:        possibilities have been exhausted.
        !           465: %%
        !           466: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        !           467:        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        !           468:        another drink.
        !           469: %%
        !           470: Hartley's First Law:
        !           471:        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        !           472:        on his back, you've got something.
        !           473: %%
        !           474: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        !           475:        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        !           476:        legislature is in session.
        !           477: %%
        !           478: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        !           479:        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        !           480:        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
        !           481: %%
        !           482: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        !           483:        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        !           484:        be out of a job.
        !           485: %%
        !           486: ROMEO:  Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
        !           487: MERCUTIO:  No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
        !           488:        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
        !           489: %%
        !           490: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
        !           491: you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
        !           492:                -- Mark Twain
        !           493: %%
        !           494:        "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
        !           495: voice.
        !           496:        "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
        !           497: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
        !           498: I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
        !           499: Elven-lore:
        !           500: 
        !           501:        "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
        !           502:        Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
        !           503:        Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
        !           504:        This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
        !           505:        The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
        !           506:        The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
        !           507:        If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
        !           508:        If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
        !           509: %%
        !           510: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
        !           511: because we are not the person involved"
        !           512:                -- Mark Twain
        !           513: %%
        !           514: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."
        !           515:                -- Walt Kelly
        !           516: %%
        !           517: Who made the world I cannot tell;
        !           518: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
        !           519: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
        !           520: I never soiled with such a deed.
        !           521: 
        !           522:                -- A. E. Housman
        !           523: %%
        !           524: Families, when a child is born
        !           525: Want it to be intelligent.
        !           526: I, through intelligence,
        !           527: Having wrecked my whole life,
        !           528: Only hope the baby will prove
        !           529: Ignorant and stupid.
        !           530: Then he will crown a tranquil life
        !           531: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
        !           532: 
        !           533:                -- Su Tung-p'o
        !           534: %%
        !           535: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
        !           536: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
        !           537: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
        !           538: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
        !           539: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
        !           540: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
        !           541: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
        !           542: then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
        !           543: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
        !           544:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !           545: %%
        !           546: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
        !           547: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
        !           548: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
        !           549: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
        !           550: corners as bodies of a lower grade....
        !           551:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !           552: %%
        !           553: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
        !           554: %%
        !           555: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
        !           556: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
        !           557: %%
        !           558: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        !           559:        1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        !           560:        2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        !           561:        3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
        !           562:            first two laws.
        !           563: %%
        !           564: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
        !           565: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
        !           566: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
        !           567: Because she's unable to postulate how.
        !           568:        -- Frederick Winsor
        !           569: %%
        !           570: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
        !           571: %%
        !           572: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
        !           573: the only ashtray."
        !           574: %%
        !           575: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        !           576:        He must be a communist.
        !           577: And a beard and long hair,
        !           578:        Must be a pacifist.
        !           579: 
        !           580:        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
        !           581: 
        !           582:                -- Arlo Guthrie
        !           583: %%
        !           584: Hand:  A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
        !           585: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
        !           586: %%
        !           587: Wit:  The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
        !           588: by leaving it out.
        !           589: %%
        !           590: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
        !           591: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
        !           592: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
        !           593: Your Feet on the Ground,
        !           594: Your Head on your Shoulders.
        !           595: Now....try to get something DONE!
        !           596: %%
        !           597: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
        !           598: Hate is a word that is not.
        !           599: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
        !           600: Love, I have read, is hot.
        !           601: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
        !           602: And Love but a drug on the mart.
        !           603: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
        !           604: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        !           605:        -- Ogden Nash
        !           606: %%
        !           607: Magpie:  A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
        !           608: that it might be taught to talk.
        !           609: %%
        !           610: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
        !           611: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
        !           612: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
        !           613: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
        !           614:        -- Walt Kelly
        !           615: %%
        !           616: Democracy is also a form of worship.
        !           617: It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
        !           618:        -- H. L. Mencken
        !           619: %%
        !           620: Peace:  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
        !           621: periods of fighting.
        !           622: %%
        !           623: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
        !           624: showed that all had these things in common:
        !           625:        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
        !           626:        2)  They all came from middle class homes
        !           627:        3)  All but two of them were dead.
        !           628: %%
        !           629: Fats Loves Madelyn
        !           630: %%
        !           631: Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
        !           632: society.
        !           633:        -- Mark Twain
        !           634: %%
        !           635: We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
        !           636: friends are trying to kill us.
        !           637: %%
        !           638: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
        !           639:        -- Art Hoppe
        !           640: %%
        !           641: There's little in taking or giving,
        !           642:     There's little in water or wine:
        !           643: This living, this living, this living,
        !           644:     Was never a project of mine.
        !           645: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
        !           646:     The gain of the one at the top,
        !           647: For art is a form of catharsis,
        !           648:     And love is a permanent flop,
        !           649: And work is the provence of cattle,
        !           650:     And rest's for a clam in a shell,
        !           651: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
        !           652:     Would you kindly direct me to hell?
        !           653: 
        !           654:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           655: %%
        !           656: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
        !           657: Would shudder at a wicked word.
        !           658: Their candle gives a single light;
        !           659: They'd rather stay at home at night.
        !           660: They do not keep awake till three,
        !           661: Nor read erotic poetry.
        !           662: They never sanction the impure,
        !           663: Nor recognize an overture.
        !           664: They shrink from powders and from paints...
        !           665: So far, I've had no complaints.
        !           666:        -- Dorothy Parker
        !           667: %%
        !           668:        THEORY
        !           669: Into love and out again,
        !           670:     Thus I went and thus I go.
        !           671: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
        !           672:     Well and bitterly I know
        !           673: All the songs were ever sung,
        !           674:     All the words were ever said;
        !           675: Could it be, when I was young,
        !           676:     Someone dropped me on my head?
        !           677:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           678: %%
        !           679: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
        !           680:     And he cares not what comes after.
        !           681: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
        !           682:     And his eyes are lit with laughter.
        !           683: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
        !           684:     Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
        !           685: My own dear love, he is all my world --
        !           686:     And I wish I'd never met him.
        !           687: %%
        !           688: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
        !           689:     And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
        !           690: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
        !           691:     And the skies are sunlit for him.
        !           692: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
        !           693:     As the fragrance of acacia.
        !           694: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
        !           695:     And I wish he were in Asia.
        !           696: %%
        !           697: My love runs by like a day in June,
        !           698:     And he makes no friends of sorrows.
        !           699: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
        !           700:     In the pathway or the morrows.
        !           701: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
        !           702:     Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
        !           703: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
        !           704:     And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
        !           705: %%
        !           706: If I don't drive around the park,
        !           707: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
        !           708: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
        !           709: I may get back my looks again.
        !           710: If I abstain from fun and such,
        !           711: I'll probably amount to much;
        !           712: But I shall stay the way I am,
        !           713: Because I do not give a damn.
        !           714:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           715: %%
        !           716: The Abrams' Principle:
        !           717:        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
        !           718: %%
        !           719: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
        !           720: %%
        !           721: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
        !           722: as Wheels.
        !           723: %%
        !           724: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
        !           725: %%
        !           726: You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
        !           727: %%
        !           728: Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
        !           729: himself a pleasure.
        !           730: %%
        !           731: Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who
        !           732: have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
        !           733: they cannot separately plunder a third.
        !           734: %%
        !           735: Ambidextrous:  Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
        !           736: or a left.
        !           737: %%
        !           738: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
        !           739: %%
        !           740: Barometer:  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
        !           741: weather we are having.
        !           742: %%
        !           743: Birth:  The first and direst of all disasters.
        !           744: %%
        !           745: Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
        !           746: %%
        !           747: Cabbage:  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
        !           748: as a man's head.
        !           749: %%
        !           750: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
        !           751: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
        !           752: %%
        !           753: Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.
        !           754: %%
        !           755: Deliberation:  The act of examining one's bread to determine
        !           756: which side it is buttered on.
        !           757: %%
        !           758: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
        !           759: safe, for you can watch both of his.
        !           760: %%
        !           761: Garter:  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
        !           762: her stockings and desolating the country.
        !           763: %%
        !           764: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
        !           765: %%
        !           766: Hippogriff:  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
        !           767: griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
        !           768: half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
        !           769: eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of
        !           770: zoology is full of surprises.
        !           771: %%
        !           772: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
        !           773: and praiseworthy...
        !           774:        -- Ambrose Bierce
        !           775: %%
        !           776: Please ignore previous fortune.
        !           777: %%
        !           778: Interpreter:  One who enables two persons of different languages to
        !           779: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
        !           780: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
        !           781: %%
        !           782: Are we not men?
        !           783: %%
        !           784: Please take note:
        !           785: %%
        !           786: Kevin White, mayor of Boston, giving an opinion of his city:
        !           787: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
        !           788: %%
        !           789: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
        !           790: Violators will be prosecuted.
        !           791: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
        !           792: %%
        !           793: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
        !           794: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
        !           795: %%
        !           796: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
        !           797: you should.
        !           798: %%
        !           799: United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas
        !           800: season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
        !           801: forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
        !           802: every persuasion.
        !           803:    Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
        !           804: world.
        !           805:        -- Isaac Asimov
        !           806: %%
        !           807: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
        !           808: sense from things she found in gift shops.
        !           809:        -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
        !           810: %%
        !           811: Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
        !           812: word what you shouldn't have said.
        !           813: %%
        !           814: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
        !           815: in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
        !           816: %%
        !           817: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
        !           818: %%
        !           819: Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
        !           820: %%
        !           821: "Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
        !           822: Let me clue you in;
        !           823: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
        !           824: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
        !           825: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.  The cool Brutus
        !           826: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
        !           827: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
        !           828: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
        !           829: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
        !           830: So are they all, all cool cats, --
        !           831: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
        !           832: %%
        !           833: Now I lay me down to sleep
        !           834: I pray the double lock will keep;
        !           835: May no brick through the window break, 
        !           836: And, no one rob me till I awake.
        !           837: %%
        !           838: Did you know....
        !           839: 
        !           840: That no-one ever reads these things?
        !           841: %%
        !           842: Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
        !           843: The Duke is fond of kittens
        !           844: He likes to take their insides out
        !           845: And use them for his mittens
        !           846:        From "The thirteen clocks"
        !           847: %%
        !           848: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
        !           849: %%
        !           850: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
        !           851: %%
        !           852: "A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
        !           853:                -- Prof. Steiner.
        !           854: %%
        !           855: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
        !           856:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !           857: %%
        !           858: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
        !           859:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !           860: %%
        !           861: "Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
        !           862: guarantee of eventual success."
        !           863: %%
        !           864: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
        !           865: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
        !           866: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
        !           867: %%
        !           868:        ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
        !           869: whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of
        !           870: the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
        !           871:        Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
        !           872: they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
        !           873: people go to the front of the bus."
        !           874:        But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
        !           875: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
        !           876: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
        !           877: unto a snowball in Hell."
        !           878: %%
        !           879: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
        !           880: %%
        !           881: $3,000,000
        !           882: %%
        !           883: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
        !           884: %%
        !           885: 77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
        !           886: 
        !           887: ------- (7)    This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
        !           888: --- --- (8)    boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
        !           889: ------- (7)    smells bad.  Your children have hives.  you are working
        !           890: ---O--- (6)    on an accounting system, when you want to develop
        !           891: ---X--- (9)    the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
        !           892: --- --- (8)    to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
        !           893: 
        !           894: Nine in the second place means:
        !           895:        The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
        !           896: 
        !           897: Six in the third place means:
        !           898:        In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
        !           899:        Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
        !           900: %%
        !           901: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
        !           902: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
        !           903: (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
        !           904: Americans call him by value.
        !           905: %%
        !           906: The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
        !           907: increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
        !           908: %%
        !           909: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
        !           910: you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
        !           911: ice, but no cup.
        !           912: %%
        !           913: Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
        !           914: %%
        !           915: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
        !           916: %%
        !           917: Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
        !           918: %%
        !           919: Those who can't write, write manuals.
        !           920: %%
        !           921: Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
        !           922: in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
        !           923: the room is punishable under law:
        !           924: 
        !           925: Name   #
        !           926: %%
        !           927: You might have mail
        !           928: %%
        !           929: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
        !           930: %%
        !           931: Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
        !           932: %%
        !           933: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
        !           934: %%
        !           935: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
        !           936: %%
        !           937: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
        !           938: %%
        !           939: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
        !           940: take a bath...
        !           941: %%
        !           942: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
        !           943: eyes..."
        !           944: %%
        !           945: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
        !           946: flag.
        !           947: %%
        !           948: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
        !           949: avoid responsibility with?
        !           950: %%
        !           951: SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
        !           952: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
        !           953: %%
        !           954: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
        !           955: average man can see better than he can think.
        !           956: %%
        !           957: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
        !           958: was propounded to me by my father:
        !           959:     "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
        !           960:     I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
        !           961: gave up.
        !           962:     "A herring," said my father.
        !           963:     "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
        !           964:     "So hang it there."
        !           965:     "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
        !           966:     "Paint it."
        !           967:     "But a herring isn't wet."
        !           968:     "If its just painted its still wet."
        !           969:     "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
        !           970: doesn't whistle!!"
        !           971:     "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
        !           972:                -- Leo Rosten
        !           973: %%
        !           974: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
        !           975:                -- Yiddish saying
        !           976: %%
        !           977: Waiter:        "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
        !           978: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
        !           979: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        !           980:        (Waiter exits, returns)
        !           981: Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
        !           982: %%
        !           983: "Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books."
        !           984:                -- Folk saying
        !           985: %%
        !           986:        On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
        !           987: receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
        !           988: income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
        !           989: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
        !           990:        "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
        !           991: route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
        !           992:        "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
        !           993: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
        !           994: worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
        !           995: %%
        !           996: The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
        !           997: said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
        !           998:      "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
        !           999:      "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
        !          1000: %%
        !          1001: "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
        !          1002: people."
        !          1003:                -- W.C. Fields
        !          1004: %%
        !          1005: "There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
        !          1006: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
        !          1007:                --Mark Twain
        !          1008: %%
        !          1009: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
        !          1010: %%
        !          1011: Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
        !          1012: %%
        !          1013: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
        !          1014: %%
        !          1015: Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
        !          1016: tickets.
        !          1017: %%
        !          1018: Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
        !          1019: %%
        !          1020: Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
        !          1021: %%
        !          1022: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
        !          1023: thing he tells you.
        !          1024: %%
        !          1025: Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
        !          1026: %%
        !          1027: You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
        !          1028: %%
        !          1029: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
        !          1030: today.
        !          1031: %%
        !          1032: Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
        !          1033: %%
        !          1034: Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
        !          1035: %%
        !          1036: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
        !          1037: first and last month in advance.
        !          1038: %%
        !          1039: Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
        !          1040: %%
        !          1041: You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
        !          1042: %%
        !          1043: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
        !          1044: %%
        !          1045: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
        !          1046: %%
        !          1047: Don't feed the bats tonight.
        !          1048: %%
        !          1049: Stay away from flying saucers today.
        !          1050: %%
        !          1051: You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
        !          1052: %%
        !          1053: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
        !          1054: %%
        !          1055: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
        !          1056: %%
        !          1057: Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
        !          1058: %%
        !          1059: Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
        !          1060: %%
        !          1061: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          1062: %%
        !          1063: Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
        !          1064: %%
        !          1065: Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
        !          1066: %%
        !          1067: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
        !          1068: %%
        !          1069: Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
        !          1070: get used to it.
        !          1071: %%
        !          1072: Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
        !          1073: %%
        !          1074: Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
        !          1075: %%
        !          1076: Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
        !          1077: %%
        !          1078: You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a
        !          1079: senior executive.
        !          1080: %%
        !          1081: Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
        !          1082: %%
        !          1083: Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
        !          1084: %%
        !          1085: Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
        !          1086: computer crashes.
        !          1087: %%
        !          1088: Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
        !          1089: %%
        !          1090: Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving
        !          1091: to a new town.
        !          1092: %%
        !          1093: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
        !          1094: tomorrow!
        !          1095: %%
        !          1096: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
        !          1097: %%
        !          1098: You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
        !          1099: to worry.
        !          1100: %%
        !          1101: Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
        !          1102: %%
        !          1103: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
        !          1104: nails.
        !          1105: %%
        !          1106: Tonights the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
        !          1107: %%
        !          1108: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
        !          1109: %%
        !          1110: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
        !          1111: they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
        !          1112: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
        !          1113: %%
        !          1114: Happiness:  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
        !          1115: misery of another.
        !          1116: %%
        !          1117: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
        !          1118: they charge fifteen cents for them.
        !          1119: %%
        !          1120: Question:
        !          1121: Man Invented Alcohol,
        !          1122: God Invented Grass.
        !          1123: Who do you trust?
        !          1124: %%
        !          1125: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
        !          1126: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
        !          1127: %%
        !          1128: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
        !          1129: %%
        !          1130: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
        !          1131: otherwise require harder thinking.
        !          1132:                ---Jerome Lettvin
        !          1133: %%
        !          1134: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
        !          1135: writing.
        !          1136:                -- R. Geis
        !          1137: %%
        !          1138: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
        !          1139: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        !          1140:                -- D. J. Hicks
        !          1141: %%
        !          1142: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
        !          1143: none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
        !          1144: Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
        !          1145: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
        !          1146: talked about.
        !          1147:                -- Lazarus Long
        !          1148: %%
        !          1149: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
        !          1150:                -- Peter S. Beagle
        !          1151: %%
        !          1152: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
        !          1153: %%
        !          1154: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
        !          1155: totally worthless.
        !          1156: %%
        !          1157: Wasting time is an important part of living.
        !          1158: %%
        !          1159: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
        !          1160: been discontinued.
        !          1161: %%
        !          1162: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
        !          1163: %%
        !          1164: Tonights the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
        !          1165: %%
        !          1166: Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
        !          1167: %%
        !          1168: Excellent time to become a missing person.
        !          1169: %%
        !          1170: A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
        !          1171: %%
        !          1172: Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
        !          1173: %%
        !          1174: Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
        !          1175: %%
        !          1176: Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
        !          1177: %%
        !          1178: Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
        !          1179: %%
        !          1180: Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
        !          1181: %%
        !          1182: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
        !          1183: %%
        !          1184: Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
        !          1185: %%
        !          1186: You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
        !          1187: %%
        !          1188: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
        !          1189: in eucalyptus trees.
        !          1190: %%
        !          1191: Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
        !          1192: %%
        !          1193: Avoid reality at all costs.
        !          1194: %%
        !          1195: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
        !          1196: %%
        !          1197: Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
        !          1198: have a lucky day this year.
        !          1199: %%
        !          1200: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
        !          1201: this sort of stuff.
        !          1202: %%
        !          1203: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
        !          1204: %%
        !          1205: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
        !          1206: %%
        !          1207: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
        !          1208: %%
        !          1209: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
        !          1210: %%
        !          1211: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
        !          1212: Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
        !          1213: %%
        !          1214:        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
        !          1215: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
        !          1216: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
        !          1217: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
        !          1218: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
        !          1219: 
        !          1220:        Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
        !          1221: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
        !          1222: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
        !          1223: -- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
        !          1224: 
        !          1225:   "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
        !          1226: 
        !          1227:   Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
        !          1228: 
        !          1229:        From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
        !          1230: %%
        !          1231: I really hate this damned machine
        !          1232: I wish that they would sell it.
        !          1233: It never does quite what I want
        !          1234: But only what I tell it.
        !          1235: %%
        !          1236: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
        !          1237: %%
        !          1238: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
        !          1239: %%
        !          1240: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
        !          1241: %%
        !          1242: Vote anarchist
        !          1243: %%
        !          1244: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
        !          1245: %%
        !          1246: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
        !          1247: %%
        !          1248: Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
        !          1249: %%
        !          1250: Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
        !          1251: %%
        !          1252: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
        !          1253: %%
        !          1254: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
        !          1255: will be temporarily cancelled.
        !          1256: %%
        !          1257: Drive defensively, buy a tank.
        !          1258: %%
        !          1259: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
        !          1260: for a dial tone.
        !          1261: %%
        !          1262: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
        !          1263: %%
        !          1264: Condense soup, not books!
        !          1265: %%
        !          1266: The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
        !          1267: %%
        !          1268: Philadelhpia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
        !          1269: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
        !          1270: %%
        !          1271: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
        !          1272: %%
        !          1273: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
        !          1274: %%
        !          1275: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
        !          1276: %%
        !          1277: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
        !          1278: %%
        !          1279: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
        !          1280: %%
        !          1281: Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
        !          1282: %%
        !          1283: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
        !          1284: %%
        !          1285: Hire the morally handicapped.
        !          1286: %%
        !          1287: I can resist anything but temptation.
        !          1288: %%
        !          1289: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
        !          1290: %%
        !          1291: Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
        !          1292: %%
        !          1293: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
        !          1294: %%
        !          1295: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
        !          1296: %%
        !          1297: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        !          1298:     Western Civilization?
        !          1299: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
        !          1300: %%
        !          1301: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
        !          1302: %%
        !          1303: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
        !          1304: %%
        !          1305: "All flesh is grass"
        !          1306:     -- Isiah
        !          1307: Smoke a friend today.
        !          1308: %%
        !          1309: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
        !          1310: %%
        !          1311: George Orwell was an optimist.
        !          1312: %%
        !          1313: Chicken Little was right.
        !          1314: %%
        !          1315: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
        !          1316: %%
        !          1317: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
        !          1318: %%
        !          1319: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
        !          1320: %%
        !          1321: Dallas still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.
        !          1322: %%
        !          1323: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
        !          1324: %%
        !          1325: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
        !          1326: %%
        !          1327: Hail to the sun god
        !          1328: He sure is a fun god
        !          1329: Ra! Ra! Ra!
        !          1330: %%
        !          1331: Brain fried -- Core dumped
        !          1332: %%
        !          1333: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
        !          1334: %%
        !          1335: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
        !          1336: %%
        !          1337: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
        !          1338: %%
        !          1339: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
        !          1340: %%
        !          1341: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
        !          1342: %%
        !          1343: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
        !          1344: %%
        !          1345: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
        !          1346: %%
        !          1347: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
        !          1348: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
        !          1349: %%
        !          1350: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        !          1351:                Salvador Hardin
        !          1352: %%
        !          1353: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
        !          1354: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
        !          1355: %%
        !          1356: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
        !          1357: away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
        !          1358: or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
        !          1359: %%
        !          1360: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
        !          1361: %%
        !          1362: Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
        !          1363: %%
        !          1364: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
        !          1365: %%
        !          1366: Down with categeorical imperative!
        !          1367: %%
        !          1368: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
        !          1369: %%
        !          1370: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
        !          1371: %%
        !          1372: Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
        !          1373: %%
        !          1374: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
        !          1375: %%
        !          1376: Lysistrata had a good idea.
        !          1377: %%
        !          1378: Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
        !          1379: %%
        !          1380: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
        !          1381: %%
        !          1382: Familiarity breeds attempt
        !          1383: %%
        !          1384: Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
        !          1385: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
        !          1386: bomb.
        !          1387: %%
        !          1388: Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
        !          1389: %%
        !          1390: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
        !          1391: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
        !          1392: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
        !          1393: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
        !          1394: not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
        !          1395: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
        !          1396: others who have tried it.
        !          1397: %%
        !          1398: Idiot:  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
        !          1399: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
        !          1400: %%
        !          1401: Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
        !          1402: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
        !          1403: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
        !          1404: %%
        !          1405: Year:  A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
        !          1406: %%
        !          1407: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
        !          1408: and then pulled an all-nighter.
        !          1409: %%
        !          1410: God is a polythiest
        !          1411: %%
        !          1412: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
        !          1413: %%
        !          1414: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
        !          1415: %%
        !          1416:        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
        !          1417: asked the father of his little son.
        !          1418:        "Diet."
        !          1419: %%
        !          1420: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
        !          1421: ourselves.
        !          1422: %%
        !          1423: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
        !          1424: they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
        !          1425: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
        !          1426: %%
        !          1427: Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
        !          1428: %%
        !          1429: "Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
        !          1430: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
        !          1431: %%
        !          1432: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
        !          1433: to work.
        !          1434: %%
        !          1435: "That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all."
        !          1436: %%
        !          1437: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
        !          1438: at the steam fitters picnic.
        !          1439: %%
        !          1440: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
        !          1441: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        !          1442:                --Einstein
        !          1443: %%
        !          1444: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
        !          1445: otherwise require harder thinking.
        !          1446:                --Jerome Lettvin
        !          1447: %%
        !          1448: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
        !          1449:                -- R. Geis
        !          1450: %%
        !          1451:        "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
        !          1452: be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
        !          1453: logic!"
        !          1454:                -- Lewis Carroll
        !          1455: %%
        !          1456: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        !          1457:                -- Hawkwind
        !          1458: %%
        !          1459:        Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70
        !          1460: years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby,
        !          1461: lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having
        !          1462: faced any of his real problems.
        !          1463:        The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all
        !          1464: his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics,
        !          1465: tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his
        !          1466: brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing
        !          1467: stroke.
        !          1468:        The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we
        !          1469: can stand to live with.
        !          1470:                -- R. Geis
        !          1471: %%
        !          1472:        "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
        !          1473: didn't believe in God."
        !          1474:        "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
        !          1475: God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
        !          1476: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
        !          1477:                -- Joseph Heller
        !          1478: %%
        !          1479: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
        !          1480: %%
        !          1481: There was a young poet named Dan,
        !          1482: Whose poetry never would scan.
        !          1483:        When told this was so,
        !          1484:        He said,"yes, I know,
        !          1485: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
        !          1486: %%
        !          1487: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
        !          1488: Into space that is quite economical.
        !          1489:        But the good ones I've seen
        !          1490:        So seldom are clean,
        !          1491: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
        !          1492: %%
        !          1493: "We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
        !          1494: %%
        !          1495: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
        !          1496: President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
        !          1497: %%
        !          1498: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
        !          1499:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          1500: %%
        !          1501: God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
        !          1502: %%
        !          1503: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        !          1504:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          1505: %%
        !          1506: "If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
        !          1507: harder."
        !          1508:                -- Pope John Paul I
        !          1509: %%
        !          1510: "Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped."
        !          1511:                -- Groucho Marx' last words
        !          1512: %%
        !          1513: "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
        !          1514: what it is I'll get married again."
        !          1515:                -- Clint Eastwood
        !          1516: %%
        !          1517: Flappity, floppity, flip
        !          1518: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
        !          1519:        The strip revolved,
        !          1520:        The mouse dissolved
        !          1521: In a chronodimensional skip.
        !          1522: %%
        !          1523: And malt does more than Milton can
        !          1524: to justify God's ways to man
        !          1525:                    -- A.E. Housman
        !          1526: %%
        !          1527: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
        !          1528: 
        !          1529:        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        !          1530:        When it's converted to energy?
        !          1531:        There is a slight loss of parity.
        !          1532:        Johnny's so long at the fair.
        !          1533: %%
        !          1534: PLUNDERER'S THEME
        !          1535: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
        !          1536: 
        !          1537: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          1538: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
        !          1539: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
        !          1540: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          1541: %% Some stuff from MIT, via Doug Tygar.
        !          1542: IBM had a PL/I,
        !          1543:        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
        !          1544: And everywhere this language went,
        !          1545:        It was a total loss.
        !          1546: %%
        !          1547: System/3!  System/3!
        !          1548: See how it runs! See how it runs!
        !          1549:        Its monitor loses so totally!
        !          1550:        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        !          1551:        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
        !          1552: System/3!
        !          1553: %%
        !          1554: As I was passing Project MAC,
        !          1555: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
        !          1556: Every hack had seven bugs;
        !          1557: Every bug had seven manifestations;
        !          1558: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
        !          1559: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
        !          1560: How many losses at Project MAC?
        !          1561: %%
        !          1562: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
        !          1563: Take not a single bit!
        !          1564: It used to point to me,
        !          1565: Now I'm protecting it.
        !          1566: It was the reader's CONS
        !          1567: That made it, paired by dot;
        !          1568: Now, GC, for the nonce,
        !          1569: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
        !          1570: %%
        !          1571: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          1572: 99 blocks of crud!
        !          1573: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          1574: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
        !          1575: 
        !          1576: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          1577: 100 blocks of crud!
        !          1578: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          1579: 101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
        !          1580: %%
        !          1581: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
        !          1582: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
        !          1583: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
        !          1584: And Cory raths outgrave.
        !          1585: 
        !          1586: "Beware the software rot, my son!
        !          1587: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
        !          1588: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
        !          1589: The frumious system crash!"
        !          1590: %-
        !          1591: Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
        !          1592: look at the other guy's.
        !          1593:                Hal Hickman
        !          1594: %%
        !          1595: The United States Army;
        !          1596: 194 years of proud service,
        !          1597: unhampered by progress.
        !          1598: %%
        !          1599: Do something big -- fuck a giant
        !          1600: %%
        !          1601: Draft beer, not people
        !          1602: %%
        !          1603: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
        !          1604: %%
        !          1605: God is an atheist.
        !          1606: %%
        !          1607: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
        !          1608: %%
        !          1609: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
        !          1610: Massaging the bust of his madam,
        !          1611:        He chuckled with mirth,
        !          1612:        For he knew that on earth,
        !          1613: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
        !          1614: %%
        !          1615: Chaste makes waste.
        !          1616: %%
        !          1617: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
        !          1618: %%
        !          1619: Coito ergo sum
        !          1620: %%
        !          1621: God is not dead -- he's been busted
        !          1622: %%
        !          1623: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
        !          1624: has the pricks on the outside.
        !          1625: %%
        !          1626: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
        !          1627: %%
        !          1628: I came; I saw; I fucked up
        !          1629: %%
        !          1630: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
        !          1631: %%
        !          1632: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
        !          1633: %%
        !          1634: Cleveland still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.
        !          1635: %%
        !          1636: Getting an education at the University of California is like
        !          1637: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
        !          1638: %%
        !          1639: Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
        !          1640: inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
        !          1641: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
        !          1642: inconsistent with a life of sin.
        !          1643: %%
        !          1644: Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
        !          1645: %%
        !          1646: Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
        !          1647: a world made for man -- who has no gills.
        !          1648: %%
        !          1649: "Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
        !          1650: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
        !          1651: the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
        !          1652: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
        !          1653: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
        !          1654: the country was hopelessy trapped."
        !          1655:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !          1656: %%
        !          1657:        "God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no
        !          1658: matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
        !          1659: preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
        !          1660: merriment.
        !          1661:        "Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
        !          1662: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
        !          1663: lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects,
        !          1664: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
        !          1665: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
        !          1666: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
        !          1667:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !          1668: %%
        !          1669: Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
        !          1670: It is largely inhabited by Christians,  powerful sub-tribe of the
        !          1671: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
        !          1672: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
        !          1673: principal industries of the Orient.
        !          1674: %%
        !          1675: Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
        !          1676: President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
        !          1677: my period."
        !          1678:                -- Steven Moore
        !          1679: %%
        !          1680: "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
        !          1681: watch him have another."
        !          1682: %%
        !          1683:        I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
        !          1684: dead that scares the shit out of me.
        !          1685:                -- R. Geis
        !          1686: %%
        !          1687:        History has the relation to truth that theology has to
        !          1688: religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
        !          1689:                -- Lazarus Long
        !          1690: %%
        !          1691: ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
        !          1692: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
        !          1693: bridge.
        !          1694:                -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
        !          1695: %%
        !          1696:        Them Toad Suckers
        !          1697: 
        !          1698: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
        !          1699: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
        !          1700: 
        !          1701: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
        !          1702: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
        !          1703: 
        !          1704: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
        !          1705: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
        !          1706: 
        !          1707: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
        !          1708: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
        !          1709: 
        !          1710: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
        !          1711: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
        !          1712: 
        !          1713:                -- Mason Williams
        !          1714: %%
        !          1715: There was an old pirate named Bates
        !          1716: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
        !          1717:        He fell on his cutlass
        !          1718:        Which rendered him nutless
        !          1719: And practically useless on dates.
        !          1720: %%
        !          1721: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
        !          1722: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
        !          1723:        But the banister broke
        !          1724:        So he doubled his stroke
        !          1725: And finished her off in mid-air.
        !          1726: %%
        !          1727: A pretty young lady named Vogel
        !          1728: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        !          1729:        A curious mole
        !          1730:        Nosed into her hole --
        !          1731: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
        !          1732: %%
        !          1733: A mathematician named Hall
        !          1734: Has a hexahedronical ball,
        !          1735:        And the cube of its weight
        !          1736:        Times his pecker's, plus eight
        !          1737: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
        !          1738: %%
        !          1739: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
        !          1740: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
        !          1741:        Let _V be virginity
        !          1742:        Approaching infinity;
        !          1743: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
        !          1744: 
        !          1745: "Let _V over _P be inverted
        !          1746: With the square root of _M_u inserted
        !          1747:        _N times into _V ...
        !          1748:        The result, Q.E.D.,
        !          1749: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
        !          1750: %%
        !          1751: A team playing baseball in Dallas
        !          1752: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
        !          1753:        While this worthy had fits
        !          1754:        The team made eight hits
        !          1755: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
        !          1756: %%
        !          1757: A bather whose clothing was strewed
        !          1758: By breezes that left her quite nude,
        !          1759:        Saw a man come along
        !          1760:        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
        !          1761: You expected this line to be lewd.
        !          1762: %%
        !          1763: There was a young lad name of Durcan
        !          1764: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        !          1765:        His father said, "Durcan!
        !          1766:        Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
        !          1767: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
        !          1768: %%
        !          1769: There was a young girl named Saphire
        !          1770: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        !          1771:        She said, "It's a sin,
        !          1772:        But now that it's in,
        !          1773: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
        !          1774: %%
        !          1775: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
        !          1776: I am not I, I'm a tree."
        !          1777:        But another, more sane,
        !          1778:        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
        !          1779: And covered his pants leg with pee.
        !          1780: %%
        !          1781:        In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
        !          1782: without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
        !          1783: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
        !          1784: and it stinks."
        !          1785: 
        !          1786:        And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
        !          1787: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
        !          1788: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
        !          1789: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
        !          1790: before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
        !          1791: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
        !          1792: and none may abide by its strength."
        !          1793: 
        !          1794:        And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
        !          1795: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
        !          1796: it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
        !          1797: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
        !          1798: growth of the Laboratories."
        !          1799: 
        !          1800:        And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
        !          1801: it was Good!
        !          1802: %%
        !          1803: There once was a hacker named Ken
        !          1804: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
        !          1805:        So he built him some chicks
        !          1806:        Of silicon chips
        !          1807: And hasn't been heard from since then.
        !          1808: %%
        !          1809: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
        !          1810: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        !          1811:        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        !          1812:        I think someone's coming!"
        !          1813: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
        !          1814: %%
        !          1815: There once was a freshman named Lin,
        !          1816: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
        !          1817:        A virgin named Joan
        !          1818:        From a bible belt home,
        !          1819: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
        !          1820: %%
        !          1821: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
        !          1822: licentious, dirty bum!!
        !          1823: %%
        !          1824: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
        !          1825:        You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
        !          1826:        You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
        !          1827:        Angeles.  Do you understand this?  And radio operates exactly
        !          1828:        the same way:  you send signals here, they receive them there.
        !          1829:        The only difference is that there is no cat.
        !          1830: %%
        !          1831: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
        !          1832: can't happen."
        !          1833:                -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
        !          1834: %%
        !          1835: There once was a couple named Kelley,
        !          1836: Who lived their life belly to belly.
        !          1837:        Because in their haste
        !          1838:        They used Library Paste,
        !          1839: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
        !          1840: %%
        !          1841: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
        !          1842: 
        !          1843: Oh, give me a clone
        !          1844: Of my own flesh and bone
        !          1845:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !          1846: And when she is grown,
        !          1847: My very own clone,
        !          1848:        We'll be of the opposite sex.
        !          1849: 
        !          1850: Chorus:
        !          1851:        Clone, clone of my own,
        !          1852:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !          1853:        And when we're alone,
        !          1854:        Since her mind is my own,
        !          1855:        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        !          1856: 
        !          1857:                -- Randall Garrett
        !          1858: %%
        !          1859: "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
        !          1860: candidate."
        !          1861:                -- Jerry Dreshfield
        !          1862: %%
        !          1863: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
        !          1864: fruits and nuts is flakes.
        !          1865: %%

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