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1.1 root 1: Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
2: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
3: intellectual crime.
4: %% *** Fortune datafile 3 ***
5: Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
6: %%
7: Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
8: %%
9: Once Law was sitting on the bench
10: And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
11: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
12: Nor come before me creeping.
13: Upon you knees if you appear,
14: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
15:
16: Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
17: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
18: "Amica curiae," she replied --
19: "Friend of the court, so please you."
20: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
21: I never saw your face before!"
22: %%
23: Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
24: %%
25: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
26: quickly as one man.
27: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
28: therefore --
29: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
30: %%
31: Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
32: %%
33: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
34:
35: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
36:
37: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
38: the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
39: subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
40: human knowledge.
41: %%
42: Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
43: is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
44: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
45: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
46: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
47: %%
48: Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
49: %%
50: Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
51: are in the market.
52: %%
53: Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
54: distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
55: of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
56: indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
57: corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
58: %%
59: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
60: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
61: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
62: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
63: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
64: more about the matter than the others.
65: %%
66: Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
67: %%
68: ....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
69: is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
70: have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
71: smell.
72: -- Ambrose Bierce
73: %%
74: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
75: last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
76: but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
77: -- Ambrose Bierce
78: %%
79: Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
80: the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
81: in scope, for it balks at pig.
82: %%
83: "Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
84: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
85: straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
86: force is technically termed "car suck").
87: 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
88: than "Watch this!"
89: %%
90: Hofstadter's Law:
91: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
92: Hofstadter's Law into account.
93: %%
94: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
95: -- Andrew W. Mathis
96: %%
97: "If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
98: -- Roy Santoro
99: %%
100: Main's Law:
101: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
102: %%
103: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
104: %%
105: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
106: It's on the other side.
107: %%
108: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
109: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
110: check.
111: 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
112: 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
113: attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
114: attracted to dark objects.
115: %%
116: "The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
117: -- Noelie Altito
118: %%
119: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
120: larger object.
121: %%
122: "If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
123: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
124: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted."
125: -- Marguerite Emmons
126: %%
127: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
128: %%
129: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
130: stupidity of your action.
131: %%
132: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
133: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
134: to.....to........uh..............
135: %%
136: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
137: %%
138: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
139: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
140: high as the eagle?
141: %%
142: If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
143: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
144: it, even if they don't know what it means.
145: %%
146: If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
147: On the other, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also
148: a psychological interaction.
149: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
150: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
151: %%
152: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
153: %%
154: A penny saved is ridiculous.
155: %%
156: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
157: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
158: %%
159: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
160: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
161: %%
162: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
163: %%
164: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
165: %%
166: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
167: %%
168: Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
169: %%
170: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
171: worse in Cleveland.
172: %%
173: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
174: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
175: %%
176: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
177: be in owning a piece thereof.
178: %%
179: For a good time, call 642-9483
180: %%
181: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
182: You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
183: %%
184: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
185: %%
186: To be is to do.
187: -- I. Kant
188: To do is to be.
189: -- A. Sartre
190: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
191: -- F. Flinstone
192: %%
193: God is Dead
194: -- Nietzsche
195: Nietzsche is Dead
196: -- God
197: Nietzsche is God
198: -- Dead
199: %%
200: Jesus Saves,
201: Moses Invests,
202: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
203: %%
204: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
205: %%
206: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
207: how many?
208: %%
209: Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
210: %%
211: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
212: %%
213: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
214: %%
215: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
216: %%
217: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
218: %%
219: If anything can go wrong, it will.
220: %%
221: "How doth the little crocodile
222: Improve his shining tail,
223: And pour the waters of the Nile
224: On every golden scale!
225:
226: "How cheerfully he seems to grin,
227: How neatly spreads his claws,
228: And welcomes little fishes in,
229: With gently smiling jaws!"
230: %%
231: A very intelligent turtle
232: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
233: The system, you see,
234: Ran as slow as did he,
235: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
236: %%
237: This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
238: please use the program "randchar". This program generates random
239: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
240: something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
241: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
242: %%
243: This fortune intentionally not included.
244: %%
245: "Speak roughly to your little boy,
246: And beat him when he sneezes:
247: He only does it to annoy
248: Because he knows it teases."
249:
250: "Wow! wow! wow!"
251:
252: "I speak severely to my boy,
253: And beat him when he sneezes:
254: For he can thoroughly enjoy
255: The pepper when he pleases!"
256:
257: "Wow! wow! wow!"
258: %%
259: "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
260: that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
261: more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
262: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
263: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
264: otherwise.'"
265: %%
266: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
267: Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
268: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
269: Et le m^omerade horgrave.
270: %%
271: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
272: Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
273: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
274: Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
275: %%
276: "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
277: Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
278: till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
279: "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
280: objected.
281: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
282: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
283: "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
284: so many different things."
285: "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
286: that's all."
287: %%
288: Oh, when I was in love with you,
289: Then I was clean and brave,
290: And miles around the wonder grew
291: How well did I behave.
292:
293: And now the fancy passes by,
294: And nothing will remain,
295: And miles around they'll say that I
296: Am quite myself again.
297:
298: -- A. E. Housman
299: %%
300: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
301: She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
302: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
303: Silently scheming,
304: Sightlessly seeking
305: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
306:
307: -- Stanislaw Lem
308: %%
309: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
310: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
311: scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
312: wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of
313: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
314: discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
315: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
316: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
317: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
318: different way......
319: %%
320: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
321: you will look forward to the trip.
322: %%
323: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
324: %%
325: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
326: %%
327: When Marriage is Outlawed,
328: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
329: %%
330: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
331: SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
332: -- Walt Kelley
333: %%
334: Look out! Behind you!
335: %%
336: If all be true that I do think,
337: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
338: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
339: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
340: Or any other reason why.
341: %%
342: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
343: ingenious.
344: %%
345: Finagle's third Law:
346: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
347: beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
348: Corollaries:
349: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
350: 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
351: don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
352: %%
353: Finagle's fourth Law:
354: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
355: makes it worse.
356: %%
357: Ginsberg's Theorem:
358: 1. You can't win.
359: 2. You can't break even.
360: 3. You can't even quit the game.
361:
362: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
363:
364: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
365: meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
366: Theorem. To wit:
367:
368: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
369: 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
370: even.
371: 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
372: game.
373: %%
374: Ehrman's Commentary:
375: 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
376: 2. Who said things would get better?
377: %%
378: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
379: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
380: %%
381: Rule of Feline Frustration:
382: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
383: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
384: bathroom.
385: %%
386: Laws of Computer Programming:
387: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
388: 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
389: 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
390: 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
391: 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
392: 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
393: output.
394: 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
395: the programmer who must maintain it.
396: %%
397: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
398: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
399: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
400: some useful work done.
401: %%
402: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
403: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
404: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
405: %%
406: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
407: There's always one more bug.
408: %%
409: Shaw's Principle:
410: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
411: want to use it.
412: %%
413: Sattinger's Law:
414: It works better if you plug it in.
415: %%
416: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
417: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
418: out.
419: %%
420: Law of Communications:
421: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
422: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
423: area of misunderstanding.
424: %%
425: Harris' Lament:
426: All the good ones are taken.
427: %%
428: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
429: -- Harry S. Truman
430: %%
431: Law of Procrastination:
432: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
433: there is nothing important to do.
434: %%
435: Wiker's Law:
436: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
437: %%
438: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
439: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
440: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
441: percent.
442: %%
443: Weinberg's First Law:
444: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
445: %%
446: Weinberg's Second Law:
447: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
448: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
449: civilization.
450: %%
451: Pardo's First Postulate:
452: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
453:
454: Arnold's Addendum:
455: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
456: rats.
457: %%
458: Captain Penny's Law:
459: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
460: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
461: %%
462: Katz' Law:
463: Man and nations will act rationally when all other
464: possibilities have been exhausted.
465: %%
466: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
467: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
468: another drink.
469: %%
470: Hartley's First Law:
471: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
472: on his back, you've got something.
473: %%
474: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
475: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
476: legislature is in session.
477: %%
478: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
479: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
480: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
481: %%
482: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
483: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
484: be out of a job.
485: %%
486: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
487: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
488: door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
489: %%
490: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
491: you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
492: -- Mark Twain
493: %%
494: "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
495: voice.
496: "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
497: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
498: I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
499: Elven-lore:
500:
501: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
502: Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
503: Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
504: This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
505: The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
506: The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
507: If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
508: If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
509: %%
510: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
511: because we are not the person involved"
512: -- Mark Twain
513: %%
514: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."
515: -- Walt Kelly
516: %%
517: Who made the world I cannot tell;
518: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
519: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
520: I never soiled with such a deed.
521:
522: -- A. E. Housman
523: %%
524: Families, when a child is born
525: Want it to be intelligent.
526: I, through intelligence,
527: Having wrecked my whole life,
528: Only hope the baby will prove
529: Ignorant and stupid.
530: Then he will crown a tranquil life
531: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
532:
533: -- Su Tung-p'o
534: %%
535: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
536: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
537: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
538: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
539: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
540: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
541: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
542: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
543: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
544: -- Stanislaw Lem
545: %%
546: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
547: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
548: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
549: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
550: corners as bodies of a lower grade....
551: -- Stanislaw Lem
552: %%
553: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
554: %%
555: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
556: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
557: %%
558: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
559: 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
560: 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
561: 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
562: first two laws.
563: %%
564: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
565: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
566: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
567: Because she's unable to postulate how.
568: -- Frederick Winsor
569: %%
570: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
571: %%
572: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
573: the only ashtray."
574: %%
575: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
576: He must be a communist.
577: And a beard and long hair,
578: Must be a pacifist.
579:
580: What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
581:
582: -- Arlo Guthrie
583: %%
584: Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
585: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
586: %%
587: Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
588: by leaving it out.
589: %%
590: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
591: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
592: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
593: Your Feet on the Ground,
594: Your Head on your Shoulders.
595: Now....try to get something DONE!
596: %%
597: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
598: Hate is a word that is not.
599: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
600: Love, I have read, is hot.
601: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
602: And Love but a drug on the mart.
603: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
604: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
605: -- Ogden Nash
606: %%
607: Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
608: that it might be taught to talk.
609: %%
610: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
611: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
612: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
613: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
614: -- Walt Kelly
615: %%
616: Democracy is also a form of worship.
617: It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
618: -- H. L. Mencken
619: %%
620: Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
621: periods of fighting.
622: %%
623: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
624: showed that all had these things in common:
625: 1) They all had moderate appetites.
626: 2) They all came from middle class homes
627: 3) All but two of them were dead.
628: %%
629: Fats Loves Madelyn
630: %%
631: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
632: society.
633: -- Mark Twain
634: %%
635: We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
636: friends are trying to kill us.
637: %%
638: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
639: -- Art Hoppe
640: %%
641: There's little in taking or giving,
642: There's little in water or wine:
643: This living, this living, this living,
644: Was never a project of mine.
645: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
646: The gain of the one at the top,
647: For art is a form of catharsis,
648: And love is a permanent flop,
649: And work is the provence of cattle,
650: And rest's for a clam in a shell,
651: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
652: Would you kindly direct me to hell?
653:
654: -- Dorothy Parker
655: %%
656: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
657: Would shudder at a wicked word.
658: Their candle gives a single light;
659: They'd rather stay at home at night.
660: They do not keep awake till three,
661: Nor read erotic poetry.
662: They never sanction the impure,
663: Nor recognize an overture.
664: They shrink from powders and from paints...
665: So far, I've had no complaints.
666: -- Dorothy Parker
667: %%
668: THEORY
669: Into love and out again,
670: Thus I went and thus I go.
671: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
672: Well and bitterly I know
673: All the songs were ever sung,
674: All the words were ever said;
675: Could it be, when I was young,
676: Someone dropped me on my head?
677: -- Dorothy Parker
678: %%
679: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
680: And he cares not what comes after.
681: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
682: And his eyes are lit with laughter.
683: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
684: Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
685: My own dear love, he is all my world --
686: And I wish I'd never met him.
687: %%
688: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
689: And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
690: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
691: And the skies are sunlit for him.
692: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
693: As the fragrance of acacia.
694: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
695: And I wish he were in Asia.
696: %%
697: My love runs by like a day in June,
698: And he makes no friends of sorrows.
699: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
700: In the pathway or the morrows.
701: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
702: Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
703: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
704: And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
705: %%
706: If I don't drive around the park,
707: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
708: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
709: I may get back my looks again.
710: If I abstain from fun and such,
711: I'll probably amount to much;
712: But I shall stay the way I am,
713: Because I do not give a damn.
714: -- Dorothy Parker
715: %%
716: The Abrams' Principle:
717: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
718: %%
719: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
720: %%
721: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
722: as Wheels.
723: %%
724: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
725: %%
726: You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
727: %%
728: Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
729: himself a pleasure.
730: %%
731: Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
732: have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
733: they cannot separately plunder a third.
734: %%
735: Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
736: or a left.
737: %%
738: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
739: %%
740: Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
741: weather we are having.
742: %%
743: Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
744: %%
745: Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
746: %%
747: Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
748: as a man's head.
749: %%
750: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
751: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
752: %%
753: Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
754: %%
755: Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
756: which side it is buttered on.
757: %%
758: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
759: safe, for you can watch both of his.
760: %%
761: Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
762: her stockings and desolating the country.
763: %%
764: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
765: %%
766: Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
767: griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
768: half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
769: eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
770: zoology is full of surprises.
771: %%
772: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
773: and praiseworthy...
774: -- Ambrose Bierce
775: %%
776: Please ignore previous fortune.
777: %%
778: Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
779: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
780: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
781: %%
782: Are we not men?
783: %%
784: Please take note:
785: %%
786: Kevin White, mayor of Boston, giving an opinion of his city:
787: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
788: %%
789: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
790: Violators will be prosecuted.
791: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
792: %%
793: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
794: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
795: %%
796: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
797: you should.
798: %%
799: United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
800: season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
801: forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
802: every persuasion.
803: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
804: world.
805: -- Isaac Asimov
806: %%
807: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
808: sense from things she found in gift shops.
809: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
810: %%
811: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
812: word what you shouldn't have said.
813: %%
814: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
815: in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
816: %%
817: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
818: %%
819: Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
820: %%
821: "Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
822: Let me clue you in;
823: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
824: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
825: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
826: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
827: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
828: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
829: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
830: So are they all, all cool cats, --
831: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
832: %%
833: Now I lay me down to sleep
834: I pray the double lock will keep;
835: May no brick through the window break,
836: And, no one rob me till I awake.
837: %%
838: Did you know....
839:
840: That no-one ever reads these things?
841: %%
842: Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
843: The Duke is fond of kittens
844: He likes to take their insides out
845: And use them for his mittens
846: From "The thirteen clocks"
847: %%
848: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
849: %%
850: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
851: %%
852: "A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
853: -- Prof. Steiner.
854: %%
855: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
856: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
857: %%
858: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
859: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
860: %%
861: "Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
862: guarantee of eventual success."
863: %%
864: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
865: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
866: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
867: %%
868: ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
869: whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of
870: the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
871: Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
872: they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
873: people go to the front of the bus."
874: But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
875: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
876: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
877: unto a snowball in Hell."
878: %%
879: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
880: %%
881: $3,000,000
882: %%
883: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
884: %%
885: 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
886:
887: ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
888: --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
889: ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. you are working
890: ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
891: ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
892: --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
893:
894: Nine in the second place means:
895: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
896:
897: Six in the third place means:
898: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
899: Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
900: %%
901: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
902: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
903: (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
904: Americans call him by value.
905: %%
906: The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
907: increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
908: %%
909: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
910: you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
911: ice, but no cup.
912: %%
913: Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
914: %%
915: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
916: %%
917: Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
918: %%
919: Those who can't write, write manuals.
920: %%
921: Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
922: in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
923: the room is punishable under law:
924:
925: Name #
926: %%
927: You might have mail
928: %%
929: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
930: %%
931: Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
932: %%
933: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
934: %%
935: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
936: %%
937: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
938: %%
939: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
940: take a bath...
941: %%
942: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
943: eyes..."
944: %%
945: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
946: flag.
947: %%
948: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
949: avoid responsibility with?
950: %%
951: SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
952: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
953: %%
954: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
955: average man can see better than he can think.
956: %%
957: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
958: was propounded to me by my father:
959: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
960: I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
961: gave up.
962: "A herring," said my father.
963: "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
964: "So hang it there."
965: "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
966: "Paint it."
967: "But a herring isn't wet."
968: "If its just painted its still wet."
969: "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
970: doesn't whistle!!"
971: "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
972: -- Leo Rosten
973: %%
974: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
975: -- Yiddish saying
976: %%
977: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
978: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
979: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
980: (Waiter exits, returns)
981: Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
982: %%
983: "Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books."
984: -- Folk saying
985: %%
986: On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
987: receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
988: income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
989: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
990: "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
991: route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
992: "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
993: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
994: worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
995: %%
996: The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
997: said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
998: "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
999: "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
1000: %%
1001: "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
1002: people."
1003: -- W.C. Fields
1004: %%
1005: "There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
1006: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
1007: --Mark Twain
1008: %%
1009: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
1010: %%
1011: Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
1012: %%
1013: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
1014: %%
1015: Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
1016: tickets.
1017: %%
1018: Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
1019: %%
1020: Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
1021: %%
1022: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
1023: thing he tells you.
1024: %%
1025: Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
1026: %%
1027: You may be recognized soon. Hide.
1028: %%
1029: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
1030: today.
1031: %%
1032: Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
1033: %%
1034: Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
1035: %%
1036: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
1037: first and last month in advance.
1038: %%
1039: Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
1040: %%
1041: You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
1042: %%
1043: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
1044: %%
1045: Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
1046: %%
1047: Don't feed the bats tonight.
1048: %%
1049: Stay away from flying saucers today.
1050: %%
1051: You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
1052: %%
1053: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
1054: %%
1055: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
1056: %%
1057: Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
1058: %%
1059: Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
1060: %%
1061: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1062: %%
1063: Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
1064: %%
1065: Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
1066: %%
1067: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
1068: %%
1069: Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
1070: get used to it.
1071: %%
1072: Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
1073: %%
1074: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
1075: %%
1076: Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
1077: %%
1078: You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a
1079: senior executive.
1080: %%
1081: Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
1082: %%
1083: Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
1084: %%
1085: Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
1086: computer crashes.
1087: %%
1088: Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
1089: %%
1090: Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving
1091: to a new town.
1092: %%
1093: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
1094: tomorrow!
1095: %%
1096: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
1097: %%
1098: You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
1099: to worry.
1100: %%
1101: Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
1102: %%
1103: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
1104: nails.
1105: %%
1106: Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
1107: %%
1108: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
1109: %%
1110: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
1111: they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
1112: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1113: %%
1114: Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
1115: misery of another.
1116: %%
1117: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
1118: they charge fifteen cents for them.
1119: %%
1120: Question:
1121: Man Invented Alcohol,
1122: God Invented Grass.
1123: Who do you trust?
1124: %%
1125: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
1126: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
1127: %%
1128: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
1129: %%
1130: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
1131: otherwise require harder thinking.
1132: ---Jerome Lettvin
1133: %%
1134: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
1135: writing.
1136: -- R. Geis
1137: %%
1138: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
1139: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
1140: -- D. J. Hicks
1141: %%
1142: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
1143: none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
1144: Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
1145: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
1146: talked about.
1147: -- Lazarus Long
1148: %%
1149: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
1150: -- Peter S. Beagle
1151: %%
1152: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
1153: %%
1154: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
1155: totally worthless.
1156: %%
1157: Wasting time is an important part of living.
1158: %%
1159: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
1160: been discontinued.
1161: %%
1162: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
1163: %%
1164: Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
1165: %%
1166: Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
1167: %%
1168: Excellent time to become a missing person.
1169: %%
1170: A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
1171: %%
1172: Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
1173: %%
1174: Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
1175: %%
1176: Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
1177: %%
1178: Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
1179: %%
1180: Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
1181: %%
1182: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
1183: %%
1184: Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
1185: %%
1186: You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
1187: %%
1188: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
1189: in eucalyptus trees.
1190: %%
1191: Surprise due today. Also the rent.
1192: %%
1193: Avoid reality at all costs.
1194: %%
1195: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
1196: %%
1197: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
1198: have a lucky day this year.
1199: %%
1200: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
1201: this sort of stuff.
1202: %%
1203: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
1204: %%
1205: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
1206: %%
1207: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
1208: %%
1209: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
1210: %%
1211: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
1212: Avoid him. He's a Commie.
1213: %%
1214: The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
1215: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
1216: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
1217: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
1218: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
1219:
1220: Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
1221: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
1222: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
1223: -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
1224:
1225: "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
1226:
1227: Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
1228:
1229: From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
1230: %%
1231: I really hate this damned machine
1232: I wish that they would sell it.
1233: It never does quite what I want
1234: But only what I tell it.
1235: %%
1236: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
1237: %%
1238: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
1239: %%
1240: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
1241: %%
1242: Vote anarchist
1243: %%
1244: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
1245: %%
1246: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
1247: %%
1248: Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
1249: %%
1250: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
1251: %%
1252: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
1253: %%
1254: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
1255: will be temporarily cancelled.
1256: %%
1257: Drive defensively, buy a tank.
1258: %%
1259: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
1260: for a dial tone.
1261: %%
1262: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
1263: %%
1264: Condense soup, not books!
1265: %%
1266: The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
1267: %%
1268: Philadelhpia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
1269: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
1270: %%
1271: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
1272: %%
1273: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
1274: %%
1275: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
1276: %%
1277: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
1278: %%
1279: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
1280: %%
1281: Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
1282: %%
1283: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
1284: %%
1285: Hire the morally handicapped.
1286: %%
1287: I can resist anything but temptation.
1288: %%
1289: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
1290: %%
1291: Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
1292: %%
1293: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
1294: %%
1295: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
1296: %%
1297: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
1298: Western Civilization?
1299: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
1300: %%
1301: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
1302: %%
1303: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
1304: %%
1305: "All flesh is grass"
1306: -- Isiah
1307: Smoke a friend today.
1308: %%
1309: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
1310: %%
1311: George Orwell was an optimist.
1312: %%
1313: Chicken Little was right.
1314: %%
1315: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
1316: %%
1317: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
1318: %%
1319: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
1320: %%
1321: Dallas still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
1322: %%
1323: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
1324: %%
1325: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
1326: %%
1327: Hail to the sun god
1328: He sure is a fun god
1329: Ra! Ra! Ra!
1330: %%
1331: Brain fried -- Core dumped
1332: %%
1333: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
1334: %%
1335: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
1336: %%
1337: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
1338: %%
1339: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
1340: %%
1341: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
1342: %%
1343: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
1344: %%
1345: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
1346: %%
1347: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
1348: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
1349: %%
1350: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
1351: Salvador Hardin
1352: %%
1353: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
1354: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
1355: %%
1356: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
1357: away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
1358: or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
1359: %%
1360: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
1361: %%
1362: Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
1363: %%
1364: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
1365: %%
1366: Down with categeorical imperative!
1367: %%
1368: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
1369: %%
1370: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
1371: %%
1372: Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
1373: %%
1374: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
1375: %%
1376: Lysistrata had a good idea.
1377: %%
1378: Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
1379: %%
1380: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
1381: %%
1382: Familiarity breeds attempt
1383: %%
1384: Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
1385: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
1386: bomb.
1387: %%
1388: Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
1389: %%
1390: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
1391: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
1392: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
1393: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
1394: not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
1395: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
1396: others who have tried it.
1397: %%
1398: Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
1399: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
1400: %%
1401: Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
1402: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
1403: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
1404: %%
1405: Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
1406: %%
1407: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
1408: and then pulled an all-nighter.
1409: %%
1410: God is a polythiest
1411: %%
1412: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
1413: %%
1414: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
1415: %%
1416: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1417: asked the father of his little son.
1418: "Diet."
1419: %%
1420: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
1421: ourselves.
1422: %%
1423: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
1424: they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
1425: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1426: %%
1427: Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
1428: %%
1429: "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
1430: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
1431: %%
1432: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
1433: to work.
1434: %%
1435: "That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all."
1436: %%
1437: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
1438: at the steam fitters picnic.
1439: %%
1440: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
1441: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
1442: --Einstein
1443: %%
1444: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
1445: otherwise require harder thinking.
1446: --Jerome Lettvin
1447: %%
1448: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
1449: -- R. Geis
1450: %%
1451: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
1452: be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
1453: logic!"
1454: -- Lewis Carroll
1455: %%
1456: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
1457: -- Hawkwind
1458: %%
1459: Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70
1460: years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby,
1461: lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having
1462: faced any of his real problems.
1463: The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all
1464: his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics,
1465: tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his
1466: brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing
1467: stroke.
1468: The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we
1469: can stand to live with.
1470: -- R. Geis
1471: %%
1472: "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
1473: didn't believe in God."
1474: "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
1475: God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
1476: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
1477: -- Joseph Heller
1478: %%
1479: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
1480: %%
1481: There was a young poet named Dan,
1482: Whose poetry never would scan.
1483: When told this was so,
1484: He said,"yes, I know,
1485: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
1486: %%
1487: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
1488: Into space that is quite economical.
1489: But the good ones I've seen
1490: So seldom are clean,
1491: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
1492: %%
1493: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
1494: %%
1495: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
1496: President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
1497: %%
1498: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
1499: -- Lily Tomlin
1500: %%
1501: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
1502: %%
1503: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
1504: -- Albert Einstein
1505: %%
1506: "If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
1507: harder."
1508: -- Pope John Paul I
1509: %%
1510: "Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped."
1511: -- Groucho Marx' last words
1512: %%
1513: "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
1514: what it is I'll get married again."
1515: -- Clint Eastwood
1516: %%
1517: Flappity, floppity, flip
1518: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
1519: The strip revolved,
1520: The mouse dissolved
1521: In a chronodimensional skip.
1522: %%
1523: And malt does more than Milton can
1524: to justify God's ways to man
1525: -- A.E. Housman
1526: %%
1527: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
1528:
1529: Oh, dear, where can the matter be
1530: When it's converted to energy?
1531: There is a slight loss of parity.
1532: Johnny's so long at the fair.
1533: %%
1534: PLUNDERER'S THEME
1535: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
1536:
1537: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
1538: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
1539: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
1540: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
1541: %% Some stuff from MIT, via Doug Tygar.
1542: IBM had a PL/I,
1543: Its syntax worse than JOSS;
1544: And everywhere this language went,
1545: It was a total loss.
1546: %%
1547: System/3! System/3!
1548: See how it runs! See how it runs!
1549: Its monitor loses so totally!
1550: It runs all its programs in RPG!
1551: It's made by our favorite monopoly!
1552: System/3!
1553: %%
1554: As I was passing Project MAC,
1555: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
1556: Every hack had seven bugs;
1557: Every bug had seven manifestations;
1558: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
1559: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
1560: How many losses at Project MAC?
1561: %%
1562: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
1563: Take not a single bit!
1564: It used to point to me,
1565: Now I'm protecting it.
1566: It was the reader's CONS
1567: That made it, paired by dot;
1568: Now, GC, for the nonce,
1569: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
1570: %%
1571: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
1572: 99 blocks of crud!
1573: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1574: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
1575:
1576: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
1577: 100 blocks of crud!
1578: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1579: 101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
1580: %%
1581: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
1582: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
1583: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
1584: And Cory raths outgrave.
1585:
1586: "Beware the software rot, my son!
1587: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
1588: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
1589: The frumious system crash!"
1590: %-
1591: Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
1592: look at the other guy's.
1593: Hal Hickman
1594: %%
1595: The United States Army;
1596: 194 years of proud service,
1597: unhampered by progress.
1598: %%
1599: Do something big -- fuck a giant
1600: %%
1601: Draft beer, not people
1602: %%
1603: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
1604: %%
1605: God is an atheist.
1606: %%
1607: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
1608: %%
1609: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
1610: Massaging the bust of his madam,
1611: He chuckled with mirth,
1612: For he knew that on earth,
1613: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
1614: %%
1615: Chaste makes waste.
1616: %%
1617: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
1618: %%
1619: Coito ergo sum
1620: %%
1621: God is not dead -- he's been busted
1622: %%
1623: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
1624: has the pricks on the outside.
1625: %%
1626: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
1627: %%
1628: I came; I saw; I fucked up
1629: %%
1630: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
1631: %%
1632: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
1633: %%
1634: Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
1635: %%
1636: Getting an education at the University of California is like
1637: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
1638: %%
1639: Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
1640: inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
1641: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
1642: inconsistent with a life of sin.
1643: %%
1644: Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
1645: %%
1646: Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
1647: a world made for man -- who has no gills.
1648: %%
1649: "Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
1650: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
1651: the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
1652: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
1653: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
1654: the country was hopelessy trapped."
1655: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
1656: %%
1657: "God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no
1658: matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
1659: preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
1660: merriment.
1661: "Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
1662: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
1663: lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects,
1664: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
1665: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
1666: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
1667: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
1668: %%
1669: Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
1670: It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
1671: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
1672: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
1673: principal industries of the Orient.
1674: %%
1675: Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
1676: President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
1677: my period."
1678: -- Steven Moore
1679: %%
1680: "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
1681: watch him have another."
1682: %%
1683: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
1684: dead that scares the shit out of me.
1685: -- R. Geis
1686: %%
1687: History has the relation to truth that theology has to
1688: religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
1689: -- Lazarus Long
1690: %%
1691: ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
1692: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
1693: bridge.
1694: -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
1695: %%
1696: Them Toad Suckers
1697:
1698: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
1699: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
1700:
1701: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
1702: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
1703:
1704: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
1705: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
1706:
1707: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
1708: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
1709:
1710: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
1711: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
1712:
1713: -- Mason Williams
1714: %%
1715: There was an old pirate named Bates
1716: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
1717: He fell on his cutlass
1718: Which rendered him nutless
1719: And practically useless on dates.
1720: %%
1721: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
1722: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
1723: But the banister broke
1724: So he doubled his stroke
1725: And finished her off in mid-air.
1726: %%
1727: A pretty young lady named Vogel
1728: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
1729: A curious mole
1730: Nosed into her hole --
1731: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
1732: %%
1733: A mathematician named Hall
1734: Has a hexahedronical ball,
1735: And the cube of its weight
1736: Times his pecker's, plus eight
1737: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
1738: %%
1739: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
1740: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
1741: Let _V be virginity
1742: Approaching infinity;
1743: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
1744:
1745: "Let _V over _P be inverted
1746: With the square root of _M_u inserted
1747: _N times into _V ...
1748: The result, Q.E.D.,
1749: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
1750: %%
1751: A team playing baseball in Dallas
1752: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1753: While this worthy had fits
1754: The team made eight hits
1755: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1756: %%
1757: A bather whose clothing was strewed
1758: By breezes that left her quite nude,
1759: Saw a man come along
1760: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
1761: You expected this line to be lewd.
1762: %%
1763: There was a young lad name of Durcan
1764: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
1765: His father said, "Durcan!
1766: Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
1767: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
1768: %%
1769: There was a young girl named Saphire
1770: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
1771: She said, "It's a sin,
1772: But now that it's in,
1773: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1774: %%
1775: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
1776: I am not I, I'm a tree."
1777: But another, more sane,
1778: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
1779: And covered his pants leg with pee.
1780: %%
1781: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
1782: without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
1783: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
1784: and it stinks."
1785:
1786: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
1787: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
1788: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
1789: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
1790: before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
1791: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
1792: and none may abide by its strength."
1793:
1794: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
1795: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
1796: it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
1797: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
1798: growth of the Laboratories."
1799:
1800: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
1801: it was Good!
1802: %%
1803: There once was a hacker named Ken
1804: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
1805: So he built him some chicks
1806: Of silicon chips
1807: And hasn't been heard from since then.
1808: %%
1809: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
1810: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
1811: Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
1812: I think someone's coming!"
1813: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
1814: %%
1815: There once was a freshman named Lin,
1816: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1817: A virgin named Joan
1818: From a bible belt home,
1819: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1820: %%
1821: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
1822: licentious, dirty bum!!
1823: %%
1824: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
1825: You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
1826: You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
1827: Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
1828: the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
1829: The only difference is that there is no cat.
1830: %%
1831: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
1832: can't happen."
1833: -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
1834: %%
1835: There once was a couple named Kelley,
1836: Who lived their life belly to belly.
1837: Because in their haste
1838: They used Library Paste,
1839: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
1840: %%
1841: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
1842:
1843: Oh, give me a clone
1844: Of my own flesh and bone
1845: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
1846: And when she is grown,
1847: My very own clone,
1848: We'll be of the opposite sex.
1849:
1850: Chorus:
1851: Clone, clone of my own,
1852: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
1853: And when we're alone,
1854: Since her mind is my own,
1855: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
1856:
1857: -- Randall Garrett
1858: %%
1859: "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
1860: candidate."
1861: -- Jerry Dreshfield
1862: %%
1863: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
1864: fruits and nuts is flakes.
1865: %%
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