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1.1 root 1: After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
2: Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
3: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
4: to be created."
5: "This is true," He replied.
6: "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
7: "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
8: right to make his laws?"
9: "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
10: his own."
11: It was so granted.
12: %%
13: Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
14: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
15: intellectual crime.
16: %%
17: Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
18: %%
19: Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
20: %%
21: Once Law was sitting on the bench
22: And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
23: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
24: Nor come before me creeping.
25: Upon you knees if you appear,
26: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
27:
28: Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
29: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
30: "Amica curiae," she replied --
31: "Friend of the court, so please you."
32: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
33: I never saw your face before!"
34: %%
35: Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
36: %%
37: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
38: as one man.
39:
40: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
41:
42: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
43: %%
44: Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
45: %%
46: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
47:
48: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
49:
50: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
51: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
52: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
53: knowledge.
54: %%
55: Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
56: he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
57: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
58: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
59: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
60: %%
61: Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
62: %%
63: Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
64: they are in the market.
65: %%
66: Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
67: distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
68: of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
69: indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
70: corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
71: %%
72: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
73: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
74: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
75: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A
76: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
77: more about the matter than the others.
78: %%
79: Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
80: %%
81: Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
82: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
83: from the true accounts which it invents later.
84: %%
85: ...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
86: is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
87: have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
88: smell.
89: -- Ambrose Bierce
90: %%
91: November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
92: %%
93: Once, adv.: Enough.
94: %%
95: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
96: resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
97: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
98: -- Ambrose Bierce
99: %%
100: Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
101: the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
102: in scope, for it balks at pig.
103: %%
104: Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
105: %%
106: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
107: %%
108: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
109: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
110: straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
111: force is technically termed "car suck").
112: 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
113: than "Watch this!"
114: %%
115: Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
116: on roof and gets stuck.
117: %%
118: Hofstadter's Law:
119: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
120: Hofstadter's Law into account.
121: %%
122: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
123: -- Andrew W. Mathis
124: %%
125: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
126: -- Roy Santoro
127: %%
128: Main's Law:
129: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
130: program.
131: %%
132: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
133: %%
134: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
135: It's on the other side.
136: %%
137: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
138: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
139: check.
140: 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
141: 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
142: attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
143: attracted to dark objects.
144: %%
145: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
146: -- Noelie Altito
147: %%
148: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
149: larger object.
150: %%
151: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
152: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
153: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
154: -- Marguerite Emmons
155: %%
156: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
157: %%
158: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
159: stupidity of your action.
160: %%
161: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
162: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
163: to.....to........uh..............
164: %%
165: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
166: %%
167: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
168: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
169: high as the eagle?
170: %%
171: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
172: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
173: it, even if they don't know what it means."
174: -- Walt Kelly
175: %%
176: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
177: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
178: also a psychological interaction.
179: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
180: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
181: %%
182: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
183: %%
184: A penny saved is ridiculous.
185: %%
186: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
187: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
188: %%
189: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
190: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
191: %%
192: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
193: %%
194: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
195: %%
196: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
197: %%
198: Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
199: %%
200: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
201: worse in Cleveland.
202: %%
203: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
204: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
205: %%
206: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
207: be in owning a piece thereof.
208: %%
209: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
210: %%
211: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
212: You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
213: %%
214: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
215: %%
216: To be is to do.
217: -- I. Kant
218: To do is to be.
219: -- A. Sartre
220: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
221: -- F. Flinstone
222: %%
223: God is Dead
224: -- Nietzsche
225: Nietzsche is Dead
226: -- God
227: Nietzsche is God
228: -- Dead
229: %%
230: Jesus Saves,
231: Moses Invests,
232: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
233: %%
234: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
235: %%
236: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
237: %%
238: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
239: how many?
240: %%
241: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
242: %%
243: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
244: Station-to-Station rate.
245: %%
246: Necessity is a mother.
247: %%
248: Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
249: %%
250: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
251: %%
252: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
253: %%
254: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
255: %%
256: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
257: %%
258: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
259: Thousand Caramels.
260: %%
261: In the days of old,
262: When Knights were bold,
263: And women were too cautious;
264: Oh, those gallant days,
265: When women were women,
266: And men were really obnoxious...
267: %%
268: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
269: %%
270: If anything can go wrong, it will.
271: %%
272: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
273: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
274: %%
275: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
276: Heads.
277: %%
278: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
279: %%
280: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
281: %%
282: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
283: Ears.
284: %%
285: How doth the little crocodile
286: Improve his shining tail,
287: And pour the waters of the Nile
288: On every golden scale!
289:
290: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
291: How neatly spreads his claws,
292: And welcomes little fishes in,
293: With gently smiling jaws!
294: %%
295: You're at the end of the road again.
296: %%
297: If anything can go wrong, it will.
298: %%
299: The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
300:
301: However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
302: judging things by their price.
303: %%
304: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
305: "And your hair has become very white;
306: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
307: Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
308:
309: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
310: "I feared it might injure the brain;
311: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
312: Why, I do it again and again."
313: %%
314: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
315: And have grown most uncommonly fat;
316: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
317: Pray what is the reason of that?"
318:
319: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
320: "I kept all my limbs very supple
321: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
322: Allow me to sell you a couple?"
323: %%
324: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
325: For anything tougher than suet;
326: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
327: Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
328:
329: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
330: And argued each case with my wife;
331: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
332: Has lasted the rest of my life."
333: %%
334: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
335: That your eye was as steady as ever;
336: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
337: What made you so awfully clever?"
338:
339: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
340: Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
341: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
342: Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
343: %%
344: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
345: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
346: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
347: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
348: %%
349: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
350: And every vector dreams of matrices.
351: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
352: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
353: %%
354: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
355: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
356: Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
357: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
358: %%
359: I'll grant the random access to my heart,
360: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
361: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
362: And in our bound partition never part.
363: %%
364: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
365: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
366: A root or two, a torus and a node:
367: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
368: %%
369: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
370: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
371: Bernoulli would have been content to die
372: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(thi)!
373: %%
374: A very intelligent turtle
375: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
376: The system, you see,
377: Ran as slow as did he,
378: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
379: %%
380: This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
381: please use the program "_r_a_n_d_c_h_a_r". This program generates random
382: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
383: something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
384: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
385: %%
386: This fortune intentionally not included.
387: %%
388: Speak roughly to your little boy,
389: And beat him when he sneezes:
390: He only does it to annoy
391: Because he knows it teases.
392:
393: Wow! wow! wow!
394:
395: I speak severely to my boy,
396: And beat him when he sneezes:
397: For he can thoroughly enjoy
398: The pepper when he pleases!
399:
400: Wow! wow! wow!
401: %%
402: "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
403: that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
404: more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
405: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
406: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
407: otherwise.'"
408: %%
409: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
410: Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
411: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
412: Et le m^omerade horgrave.
413: %%
414: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
415: Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
416: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
417: Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
418: %%
419: "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
420: Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--
421: till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for
422: you!'"
423: "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
424: objected.
425: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
426: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
427: less."
428: "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
429: so many different things."
430: "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
431: that's all."
432: %%
433: Oh, when I was in love with you,
434: Then I was clean and brave,
435: And miles around the wonder grew
436: How well did I behave.
437:
438: And now the fancy passes by,
439: And nothing will remain,
440: And miles around they'll say that I
441: Am quite myself again.
442:
443: -- A. E. Housman
444: %%
445: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
446: She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
447: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
448: Silently scheming,
449: Sightlessly seeking
450: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
451:
452: -- Stanislaw Lem
453: %%
454: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
455: incompetency
456: -- the Peter Principle
457: %%
458: Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
459: it.
460: %%
461: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
462: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
463: scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
464: wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of
465: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
466: discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
467: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
468: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
469: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
470: different way...
471: %%
472: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
473: you will look forward to the trip.
474: %%
475: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
476: -- Ambrose Bierce
477: %%
478: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
479: %%
480: When Marriage is Outlawed,
481: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
482: %%
483: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
484: SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
485: -- Walt Kelley
486: %%
487: Look out! Behind you!
488: %%
489: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
490: %%
491: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
492: %%
493: Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
494: coins out of one's pockets.
495: -- Ambrose Bierce
496: %%
497: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
498: the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
499: %%
500: If all be true that I do think,
501: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
502: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
503: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
504: Or any other reason why.
505: %%
506: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
507: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
508: %%
509: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
510: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
511: develop.
512: %%
513: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
514: %%
515: Every solution breeds new problems.
516: %%
517: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
518: ingenious.
519: %%
520: O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
521: "Murphy was an optimist."
522: %%
523: Boling's postulate:
524: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
525: %%
526: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
527: something.
528: %%
529: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
530: will.
531: %%
532: Scott's first Law:
533: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
534: %%
535: Scott's second Law:
536: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
537: to have been wrong in the first place.
538: Corollary:
539: After the correction has been found in error, it will be
540: impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
541: equation.
542: %%
543: Finagle's first Law:
544: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
545: %%
546: Finagle's second Law:
547: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
548: someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
549: believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
550: %%
551: Finagle's third Law:
552: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
553: beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
554: Corollaries:
555: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
556: 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
557: don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
558: %%
559: Finagle's fourth Law:
560: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
561: makes it worse.
562: %%
563: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
564: %%
565: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
566:
567: The Course of Progress:
568: Most things get steadily worse.
569:
570: The Path of Progress:
571: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
572: %%
573: Simon's Law:
574: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
575: %%
576: Ginsberg's Theorem:
577: 1. You can't win.
578: 2. You can't break even.
579: 3. You can't even quit the game.
580:
581: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
582:
583: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
584: meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
585: Theorem. To wit:
586:
587: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
588: 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
589: even.
590: 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
591: game.
592: %%
593: Ehrman's Commentary:
594: 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
595: 2. Who said things would get better?
596: %%
597: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
598: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
599: %%
600: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
601: Negative expectations yield negative results.
602: Positive expectations yield negative results.
603: %%
604: Howe's Law:
605: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
606: %%
607: Sturgeon's Law:
608: 90% of everything is crud.
609: %%
610: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
611: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
612: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
613: some useful work done.
614: %%
615: Brook's Law:
616: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
617: %%
618: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
619: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
620: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
621: %%
622: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
623: There's always one more bug.
624: %%
625: Shaw's Principle:
626: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
627: want to use it.
628: %%
629: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
630: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
631: bread to butter.
632: %%
633: Law of Selective Gravity:
634: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
635:
636: Jenning's Corollary:
637: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
638: directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
639: %%
640: Paul's Law:
641: You can't fall off the floor.
642: %%
643: Johnson's First Law:
644: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
645: most inconvenient possible time.
646: %%
647: Watson's Law:
648: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
649: number and significance of any persons watching it.
650: %%
651: Sattinger's Law:
652: It works better if you plug it in.
653: %%
654: Lowery's Law:
655: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
656: anyway.
657: %%
658: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
659: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
660: %%
661: Cahn's Axiom:
662: When all else fails, read the instructions.
663: %%
664: Jenkinson's Law:
665: It won't work.
666: %%
667: Murphy's Law of Research:
668: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
669: %%
670: Maier's Law:
671: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
672: disposed of.
673:
674: Corollaries:
675: 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
676: 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
677: 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
678: obtain a correspondence with the theory.
679: %%
680: Williams and Holland's Law:
681: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
682: statistical methods.
683: %%
684: Harvard Law:
685: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
686: temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
687: organism will do as it damn well pleases.
688: %%
689: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
690: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
691: out.
692: %%
693: Brooke's Law:
694: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
695: discovers something which either abolishes the system or
696: expands it beyond recognition.
697: %%
698: Meskimen's Law:
699: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
700: do it over.
701: %%
702: Heller's Law:
703: The first myth of management is that it exists.
704:
705: Johnson's Corollary:
706: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
707: organization.
708: %%
709: Peter's Law of Substitution:
710: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
711: themselves.
712: %%
713: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
714: The number of people in any working group tends to increase
715: regardless of the amount of work to be done.
716: %%
717: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
718: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
719: bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
720: %%
721: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
722: People are always available for work in the past tense.
723: %%
724: Iron Law of Distribution:
725: Them that has, gets.
726: %%
727: H. L. Mencken's Law:
728: Those who can -- do.
729: Those who can't -- teach.
730:
731: Martin's Extension:
732: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
733: %%
734: Jone's Law:
735: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
736: to blame it on.
737: %%
738: Rule of Feline Frustration:
739: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
740: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
741: bathroom.
742: %%
743: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
744: blowing first.
745: %%
746: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
747: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
748: removed.
749: %%
750: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
751: on the bench.
752: %%
753: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
754: are to be treated as variables.
755: %%
756: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
757: %%
758: First Law of Bicycling:
759: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
760: wind.
761: %%
762: Boob's Law:
763: You always find something in the last place you look.
764: %%
765: Osborn's Law:
766: Variables won't; constants aren't.
767: %%
768: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
769: That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
770: or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
771: should have gotten.
772: %%
773: Miksch's Law:
774: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
775: %%
776: Law of Communications:
777: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
778: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
779: area of misunderstanding.
780: %%
781: Harris's Lament:
782: All the good ones are taken.
783: %%
784: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
785: -- Harry S Truman
786: %%
787: Putt's Law:
788: Technology is dominated by two types of people:
789: Those who understand what they do not manage.
790: Those who manage what they do not understand.
791: %%
792: First Law of Procrastination:
793: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
794: for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
795: imposed the deadline).
796: %%
797: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
798: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
799: there is nothing important to do.
800: %%
801: Swipple's Rule of Order:
802: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
803: %%
804: Wiker's Law:
805: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
806: %%
807: Gray's Law of Programming:
808: '_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
809: time as '_n' tasks.
810:
811: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
812: '_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_n' trivial tasks.
813: %%
814: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
815: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
816: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
817: percent.
818: %%
819: Weinberg's First Law:
820: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
821: %%
822: Weinberg's Second Law:
823: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
824: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
825: civilization.
826: %%
827: Paul's Law:
828: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
829: save.
830: %%
831: Malek's Law:
832: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
833: %%
834: Weinberg's Principle:
835: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
836: sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
837: %%
838: Barth's Distinction:
839: There are two types of people: those who divide people into
840: two types, and those who don't.
841: %%
842: Weiler's Law:
843: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
844: himself.
845: %%
846: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
847: Celibacy is not hereditary.
848: %%
849: Beifeld's Principle:
850: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
851: receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
852: he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
853: a better looking and richer male friend.
854: %%
855: Hartley's Second Law:
856: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
857: %%
858: Pardo's First Postulate:
859: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
860:
861: Arnold's Addendum:
862: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
863: rats.
864: %%
865: Parker's Law:
866: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
867: %%
868: Captain Penny's Law:
869: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
870: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
871: %%
872: Katz' Law:
873: Man and nations will act rationally when all other
874: possibilities have been exhausted.
875: %%
876: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
877: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
878: population is growing.
879: %%
880: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
881: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
882: another drink.
883: %%
884: The Kennedy Constant:
885: Don't get mad -- get even.
886: %%
887: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
888: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
889:
890: Supplement:
891: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
892: %%
893: Jone's Motto:
894: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
895: %%
896: The Fifth Rule:
897: You have taken yourself too seriously.
898: %%
899: Cole's Law:
900: Thinly sliced cabbage.
901: %%
902: Hartley's First Law:
903: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
904: on his back, you've got something.
905: %%
906: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
907: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
908: legislature is in session.
909: %%
910: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
911: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
912: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
913: %%
914: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
915: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
916: %%
917: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
918: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
919: be out of a job.
920: %%
921: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
922: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
923: door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
924: %%
925: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
926: -- Mark Twain
927: %%
928: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
929: wants to read.
930: -- Mark Twain
931: %%
932: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
933: you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
934: -- Mark Twain
935: %%
936: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
937: -- Mark Twain
938: %%
939: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
940: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
941: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
942: -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
943: %%
944: "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
945: voice.
946: "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
947: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
948: I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
949: Elven-lore:
950:
951: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
952: Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
953: Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
954: This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
955: The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
956: The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
957: If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
958: If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
959: %%
960: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
961: because we are not the person involved"
962: -- Mark Twain
963: %%
964: "...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
965: picturesque liar."
966: -- Mark Twain
967: %%
968: I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
969: didn't know.
970: -- Mark Twain
971: %%
972: "...all the modern inconveniences..."
973: -- Mark Twain
974: %%
975: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
976: -- Walt Kelly
977: %%
978: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
979: -- William Gilbert
980: %%
981: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
982: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
983: %%
984: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
985: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
986: cork makes when it is popped.
987: %%
988: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
989: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
990: %%
991: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
992: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
993: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
994: can never hope to acquire it.
995: %%
996: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
997: Advertising wondrous things.
998: %%
999: Angels we have heard on High
1000: Tell us to go out and Buy.
1001: %%
1002: The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
1003: Were each of them once a kiddie.
1004: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
1005: Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
1006:
1007: -- Ogden Nash
1008: %%
1009: Who made the world I cannot tell;
1010: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
1011: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
1012: I never soiled with such a deed.
1013:
1014: -- A. E. Housman
1015: %%
1016: Families, when a child is born
1017: Want it to be intelligent.
1018: I, through intelligence,
1019: Having wrecked my whole life,
1020: Only hope the baby will prove
1021: Ignorant and stupid.
1022: Then he will crown a tranquil life
1023: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
1024:
1025: -- Su Tung-p'o
1026: %%
1027: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
1028: lists of "Ten Best".
1029: -- H. Allen Smith
1030: %%
1031: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
1032: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
1033: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
1034: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
1035: in the end a summer with wild winds &
1036: new friends will be.
1037: %%
1038: This is for all ill-treated fellows
1039: Unborn and unbegot,
1040: For them to read when they're in trouble
1041: And I am not.
1042: -- A. E. Housman
1043: %%
1044: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
1045: You eat your victuals fast enough;
1046: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
1047: To see the rate you drink your beer.
1048: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
1049: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
1050: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
1051: It sleeps well the horned head:
1052: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
1053: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
1054: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
1055: Your friends to death before their time.
1056: Moping, melancholy mad:
1057: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
1058: -- A. E. Housman
1059: %%
1060: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
1061: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
1062: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
1063: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
1064: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
1065: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
1066: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
1067: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
1068: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
1069: -- Stanislaw Lem
1070: %%
1071: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
1072: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
1073: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
1074: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
1075: corners as bodies of a lower grade...
1076: -- Stanislaw Lem
1077: %%
1078: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
1079: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
1080: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
1081: -- Ralph Emerson
1082: %%
1083: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
1084: a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
1085: the contrary, nohow.
1086: %%
1087: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
1088: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
1089: can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
1090: %%
1091: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
1092: In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
1093: as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
1094: -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
1095: (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
1096: [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
1097: misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
1098: %%
1099: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
1100: %%
1101: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
1102: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
1103: %%
1104: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
1105: %%
1106: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
1107: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
1108: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
1109: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
1110: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
1111: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
1112: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
1113: -- Samuel Foote
1114: %%
1115: Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
1116: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
1117: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
1118: %%
1119: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1120: 1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
1121: 2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
1122: 3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
1123: first two laws.
1124: %%
1125: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
1126: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
1127: equipment ruined.
1128: %%
1129: Boren's Laws:
1130: 1) When in charge, ponder.
1131: 2) When in trouble, delegate.
1132: 3) When in doubt, mumble.
1133: %%
1134: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
1135: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
1136: %%
1137: Rudin's Law:
1138: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
1139: do it every time.
1140: %%
1141: Bucy's Law:
1142: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
1143: %%
1144: Hacker's Law:
1145: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
1146: a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
1147: %%
1148: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
1149: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
1150: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
1151: Because she's unable to postulate how.
1152: -- Frederick Winsor
1153: %%
1154: Vail's Second Axiom:
1155: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
1156: amount of work already completed.
1157: %%
1158: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
1159: %%
1160: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
1161: the only ashtray."
1162: %%
1163: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
1164: He must be a communist.
1165: And a beard and long hair,
1166: Must be a pacifist.
1167:
1168: What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
1169:
1170: -- Arlo Guthrie
1171: %%
1172: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
1173: -- G. B. Shaw
1174: %%
1175: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
1176: -- Howard Kandel
1177: %%
1178: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
1179: %%
1180: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
1181: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
1182: people.
1183: -- Dolph Sharp
1184: %%
1185: Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
1186: thrust into somebody's pocket.
1187: %%
1188: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
1189: freedom and liberty.
1190: -- Henrick Ibson
1191: %%
1192: Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
1193: by leaving it out.
1194: %%
1195: Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
1196: -- Lazarus Long
1197: %%
1198: I like work...
1199: I can sit and watch it for ours.
1200: %%
1201: Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
1202: %%
1203: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
1204: we could with both of them."
1205: -- Major Major's father
1206: %%
1207: Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
1208: -- A. E. Newman
1209: %%
1210: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
1211: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
1212: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
1213: Your Feet on the Ground,
1214: Your Head on your Shoulders.
1215: Now...try to get something DONE!
1216: %%
1217: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
1218: Hate is a word that is not.
1219: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
1220: Love, I have read, is hot.
1221: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
1222: And Love but a drug on the mart.
1223: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
1224: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
1225: -- Ogden Nash
1226: %%
1227: Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
1228: might be taught to talk.
1229: %%
1230: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
1231: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
1232: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
1233: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
1234: -- Walt Kelly
1235: %%
1236: Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
1237: Jackasses.
1238: -- H. L. Mencken
1239: %%
1240: Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
1241: periods of fighting.
1242: %%
1243: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
1244: says is wrong.
1245: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
1246: will be right.
1247: -- G. B. Shaw
1248: %%
1249: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
1250: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
1251: -- Ogden Nash
1252: %%
1253: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
1254: %%
1255: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
1256: believe everything positively stinks.
1257: -- Lew Col
1258: %%
1259: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
1260: get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
1261: face.
1262: %%
1263: Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
1264: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
1265: -- Dolph Sharp
1266: %%
1267: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
1268: showed that all had these things in common:
1269: 1) They all had moderate appetites.
1270: 2) They all came from middle class homes
1271: 3) All but two of them were dead.
1272: %%
1273: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
1274: And that's what parents were created for.
1275: -- Ogden Nash
1276: %%
1277: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
1278: Did you ever try buying then without money?
1279:
1280: -- Ogden Nash
1281: %%
1282: Confucius say too much.
1283: -- Recent Chinese Proverb
1284: %%
1285: Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
1286: a tempest of words.
1287: -- Ambrose Bierce
1288: %%
1289: Fats Loves Madelyn
1290: %%
1291: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
1292: -- W. C. Fields
1293: %%
1294: "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
1295: -- W. C. Fields
1296: %%
1297: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
1298: Plus three times the square root of four,
1299: Divided by seven,
1300: Plus five time eleven,
1301: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
1302: %%
1303: Who's on first?
1304: %%
1305: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
1306: society.
1307: -- Mark Twain
1308: %%
1309: We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
1310: friends are trying to kill us.
1311: %%
1312: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
1313: -- Art Hoppe
1314: %%
1315: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
1316: %%
1317: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety
1318: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
1319: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
1320: its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
1321: %%
1322: There's little in taking or giving,
1323: There's little in water or wine:
1324: This living, this living, this living,
1325: Was never a project of mine.
1326: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
1327: The gain of the one at the top,
1328: For art is a form of catharsis,
1329: And love is a permanent flop,
1330: And work is the province of cattle,
1331: And rest's for a clam in a shell,
1332: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
1333: Would you kindly direct me to hell?
1334:
1335: -- Dorothy Parker
1336: %%
1337: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
1338: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
1339: keys..."
1340: %%
1341: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
1342: Would shudder at a wicked word.
1343: Their candle gives a single light;
1344: They'd rather stay at home at night.
1345: They do not keep awake till three,
1346: Nor read erotic poetry.
1347: They never sanction the impure,
1348: Nor recognize an overture.
1349: They shrink from powders and from paints...
1350: So far, I've had no complaints.
1351: -- Dorothy Parker
1352: %%
1353: THEORY
1354: Into love and out again,
1355: Thus I went and thus I go.
1356: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
1357: Well and bitterly I know
1358: All the songs were ever sung,
1359: All the words were ever said;
1360: Could it be, when I was young,
1361: Someone dropped me on my head?
1362: -- Dorothy Parker
1363: %%
1364: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
1365: And he cares not what comes after.
1366: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
1367: And his eyes are lit with laughter.
1368: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
1369: Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
1370: My own dear love, he is all my world --
1371: And I wish I'd never met him.
1372: %%
1373: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
1374: And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
1375: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
1376: And the skies are sunlit for him.
1377: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
1378: As the fragrance of acacia.
1379: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
1380: And I wish he were in Asia.
1381: %%
1382: My love runs by like a day in June,
1383: And he makes no friends of sorrows.
1384: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
1385: In the pathway or the morrows.
1386: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
1387: Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
1388: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
1389: And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
1390: %%
1391: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
1392: I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
1393: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
1394: I'm Salome, moon of the East.
1395:
1396: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
1397: Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
1398: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
1399: With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
1400:
1401: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
1402: At whose beckoning history shook.
1403: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
1404: So I stay at home with a book.
1405:
1406: -- Dorothy Parker
1407: %%
1408: If I don't drive around the park,
1409: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
1410: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
1411: I may get back my looks again.
1412: If I abstain from fun and such,
1413: I'll probably amount to much;
1414: But I shall stay the way I am,
1415: Because I do not give a damn.
1416: -- Dorothy Parker
1417: %%
1418: FIGHTING WORDS
1419: Say my love is easy had,
1420: Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1421: Say I am too often sad --
1422: Still behold me at your side.
1423:
1424: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1425: Say I woo and coddle care,
1426: Say the devil touched my tongue --
1427: Still you have my heart to wear.
1428:
1429: But say my verses do not scan,
1430: And I get me another man!
1431: -- Dorothy Parker
1432: %%
1433: COMMENT
1434: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1435: A medley of extemporanea;
1436: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1437: And I am Marie of Roumania.
1438: -- Dorothy Parker
1439: %%
1440: INVENTORY
1441: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
1442: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
1443:
1444: Four be the things I'd been better without:
1445: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
1446:
1447: Three be the things I shall never attain:
1448: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
1449:
1450: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
1451: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
1452: %%
1453: The Abrams' Principle:
1454: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
1455: %%
1456: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
1457: %%
1458: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
1459: %%
1460: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
1461: as Wheels.
1462: %%
1463: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
1464: %%
1465: He who Laughs, Lasts.
1466: %%
1467: Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
1468: %%
1469: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
1470: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
1471: %%
1472: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
1473: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
1474: %%
1475: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
1476: %%
1477: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
1478: %%
1479: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
1480: -- Mae West
1481: %%
1482: Famous last words:
1483: %%
1484: You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
1485: %%
1486: Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
1487: opinion.
1488: %%
1489: Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
1490: himself a pleasure.
1491: %%
1492: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
1493: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
1494: -- Ambrose Bierce
1495: %%
1496: Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
1497: well enough to lend to.
1498: -- Ambrose Bierce
1499: %%
1500: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
1501: ourselves.
1502: %%
1503: Adore: To venerate expectantly.
1504: %%
1505: Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
1506: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
1507: separately plunder a third.
1508: %%
1509: Alone: In bad company.
1510: %%
1511: Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
1512: left.
1513: %%
1514: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
1515: %%
1516: Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
1517: sufficiently slippery.
1518: %%
1519: Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
1520: getting drunk.
1521: %%
1522: Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
1523: we are having.
1524: %%
1525: Her locks an ancient lady gave
1526: Her loving husband's life to save;
1527: And men -- they honored so the dame --
1528: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
1529:
1530: But to our modern married fair,
1531: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
1532: No stellar recognition's given.
1533: There are not stars enough in heaven.
1534: %%
1535: Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
1536: %%
1537: Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
1538: %%
1539: Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
1540: %%
1541: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
1542: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
1543: from the cares of office.
1544: %%
1545: Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
1546: a man's head.
1547: %%
1548: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
1549: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
1550: -- Ambrose Bierce
1551: %%
1552: Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
1553: to please him.
1554: %%
1555: Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
1556: %%
1557: Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
1558: it is buttered on.
1559: %%
1560: Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
1561: %%
1562: A lady with one of her ears applied
1563: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
1564: Two female gossips in converse free --
1565: The subject engaging them was she.
1566: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
1567: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
1568: As soon as no more of it she could hear
1569: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
1570: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
1571: "To hear my character lied about!"
1572: -- Gopete Sherany
1573: %%
1574: Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
1575: %%
1576: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
1577: safe, for you can watch both of his.
1578: %%
1579: Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
1580: stockings and desolating the country.
1581: %%
1582: Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
1583: of another.
1584: %%
1585: Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
1586: superiority.
1587: %%
1588: Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
1589: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
1590: expound your own.
1591: %%
1592: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
1593: %%
1594: Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
1595: griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
1596: half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
1597: eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
1598: zoology is full of surprises.
1599: %%
1600: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
1601: and praiseworthy...
1602: -- Ambrose Bierce
1603: %%
1604: Please ignore previous fortune.
1605: %%
1606: Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
1607: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
1608: conflicting opinions.
1609: %%
1610: ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
1611: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
1612: and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
1613: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
1614: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
1615: on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
1616: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
1617: sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
1618: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
1619: -- Ambrose Bierce
1620: %%
1621: Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
1622: %%
1623: Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
1624: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
1625: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
1626: %%
1627: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
1628: -- Disraeli
1629: %%
1630: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
1631: -- J. D. Salinger
1632: %%
1633: Please take note:
1634: %%
1635: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
1636: -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
1637: %%
1638: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
1639: Violators will be prosecuted.
1640: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
1641: %%
1642: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
1643: -- Alfred Kahn
1644: %%
1645: gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
1646: also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
1647: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
1648: mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
1649: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
1650: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
1651: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
1652: -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
1653: %%
1654: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
1655: %%
1656: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
1657: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
1658: %%
1659: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
1660: you should.
1661: %%
1662: United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
1663: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
1664: all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
1665: all the patriots of every persuasion.
1666:
1667: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
1668: world.
1669: -- Isaac Asimov
1670: %%
1671: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
1672: superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
1673: -- G. B. Shaw
1674: %%
1675: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
1676: sense from things she found in gift shops.
1677: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
1678: %%
1679: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
1680: word what you shouldn't have said.
1681: %%
1682: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
1683: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
1684: %%
1685: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
1686: tellers?
1687: %%
1688: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
1689: %%
1690: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
1691: Let me clue you in;
1692: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
1693: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
1694: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
1695: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
1696: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
1697: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
1698: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
1699: So are they all, all cool cats, --
1700: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
1701: %%
1702: Now I lay me down to sleep
1703: I pray the double lock will keep;
1704: May no brick through the window break,
1705: And, no one rob me till I awake.
1706: %%
1707: Did you know...
1708:
1709: That no-one ever reads these things?
1710: %%
1711: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
1712: The Duke is fond of kittens
1713: He likes to take their insides out
1714: And use them for his mittens
1715: From "The Thirteen Clocks"
1716: %%
1717: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
1718: %%
1719: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
1720: %%
1721: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
1722: -- Prof. Steiner
1723: %%
1724: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
1725: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
1726: %%
1727: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
1728: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
1729: %%
1730: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
1731: guarantee of eventual success.
1732: %%
1733: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
1734: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
1735: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
1736: %%
1737: ...But among the children of the Great Society there were
1738: those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
1739: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
1740: Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
1741: they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
1742: people go to the front of the bus."
1743: But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
1744: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
1745: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
1746: unto a snowball in Hell."
1747: %%
1748: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
1749: %%
1750: $3,000,000
1751: %%
1752: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
1753: problem.
1754: %%
1755: 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
1756:
1757: ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
1758: --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
1759: ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
1760: ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
1761: ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
1762: --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
1763:
1764: Nine in the second place means:
1765: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
1766:
1767: Six in the third place means:
1768: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
1769: Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
1770: %%
1771: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
1772: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
1773: (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
1774: Americans call him by value.
1775: %%
1776: The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
1777: increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
1778: %%
1779: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
1780: you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
1781: ice, but no cup.
1782: %%
1783: Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
1784: %%
1785: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
1786: %%
1787: Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
1788: %%
1789: Those who can't write, write manuals.
1790: %%
1791: Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
1792: in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
1793: the room is punishable under law:
1794:
1795: Name #
1796: %%
1797: You might have mail
1798: %%
1799: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
1800: %%
1801: Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
1802: %%
1803: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
1804: %%
1805: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
1806: %%
1807: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
1808: %%
1809: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
1810: take a bath...
1811: %%
1812: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
1813: eyes..."
1814: %%
1815: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
1816: flag.
1817: %%
1818: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
1819: avoid responsibility with?
1820: %%
1821: SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
1822: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
1823: %%
1824: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
1825: average man can see better than he can think.
1826: %%
1827: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
1828: child, was propounded to me by my father:
1829: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
1830: I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
1831: gave up.
1832: "A herring," said my father.
1833: "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
1834: "So hang it there."
1835: "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
1836: "Paint it."
1837: "But a herring isn't wet."
1838: "If its just painted its still wet."
1839: "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
1840: doesn't whistle!!"
1841: "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
1842: -- Leo Rosten
1843: %%
1844: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
1845: -- Yiddish saying
1846: %%
1847: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1848: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
1849: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
1850: (Waiter exits, returns)
1851: Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
1852: %%
1853: On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
1854: receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
1855: income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
1856: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
1857: "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
1858: route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
1859: "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
1860: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
1861: worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
1862: %%
1863: The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
1864: said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
1865: "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
1866: "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
1867: %%
1868: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
1869: people.
1870: -- W. C. Fields
1871: %%
1872: There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
1873: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
1874: -- Mark Twain
1875: %%
1876: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
1877: it.
1878: %%
1879: Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
1880: change.
1881: %%
1882: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
1883: %%
1884: Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
1885: tickets.
1886: %%
1887: Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
1888: %%
1889: Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
1890: %%
1891: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
1892: thing he tells you.
1893: %%
1894: Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
1895: %%
1896: You may be recognized soon. Hide.
1897: %%
1898: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
1899: today.
1900: %%
1901: Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
1902: %%
1903: Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
1904: %%
1905: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
1906: and last month in advance.
1907: %%
1908: Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
1909: %%
1910: You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
1911: %%
1912: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
1913: %%
1914: Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
1915: %%
1916: Don't feed the bats tonight.
1917: %%
1918: Stay away from flying saucers today.
1919: %%
1920: You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
1921: %%
1922: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
1923: %%
1924: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
1925: %%
1926: Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
1927: %%
1928: Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
1929: %%
1930: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1931: %%
1932: Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
1933: %%
1934: Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
1935: %%
1936: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
1937: %%
1938: Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
1939: get used to it.
1940: %%
1941: Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
1942: %%
1943: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
1944: %%
1945: Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
1946: %%
1947: You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
1948: executive.
1949: %%
1950: Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
1951: %%
1952: Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
1953: %%
1954: Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
1955: computer crashes.
1956: %%
1957: Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
1958: %%
1959: Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
1960: a new town.
1961: %%
1962: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
1963: tomorrow!
1964: %%
1965: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
1966: %%
1967: You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
1968: to worry.
1969: %%
1970: Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
1971: %%
1972: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
1973: nails.
1974: %%
1975: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1976: %%
1977: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
1978: %%
1979: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
1980: they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
1981: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1982: %%
1983: Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
1984: of another.
1985: %%
1986: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
1987: they charge fifteen cents for them.
1988: %%
1989: Question:
1990: Man Invented Alcohol,
1991: God Invented Grass.
1992: Who do you trust?
1993: %%
1994: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
1995: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
1996: %%
1997: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
1998: %%
1999: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
2000: otherwise require harder thinking.
2001: -- Jerome Lettvin
2002: %%
2003: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
2004: writing.
2005: -- R. Geis
2006: %%
2007: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
2008: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
2009: -- D. J. Hicks
2010: %%
2011: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
2012: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
2013: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
2014: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
2015: talked about.
2016: -- Lazarus Long
2017: %%
2018: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
2019: -- Peter S. Beagle
2020: %%
2021: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
2022: %%
2023: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
2024: totally worthless.
2025: %%
2026: Wasting time is an important part of living.
2027: %%
2028: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
2029: has been discontinued.
2030: %%
2031: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
2032: life.
2033: %%
2034: Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
2035: %%
2036: Excellent time to become a missing person.
2037: %%
2038: A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
2039: %%
2040: Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
2041: %%
2042: Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
2043: %%
2044: Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
2045: %%
2046: Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
2047: %%
2048: Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
2049: %%
2050: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
2051: %%
2052: Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
2053: %%
2054: You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
2055: %%
2056: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
2057: in eucalyptus trees.
2058: %%
2059: Surprise due today. Also the rent.
2060: %%
2061: Avoid reality at all costs.
2062: %%
2063: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
2064: %%
2065: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
2066: have a lucky day this year.
2067: %%
2068: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
2069: this sort of trash.
2070: %%
2071: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
2072: %%
2073: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
2074: %%
2075: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
2076: %%
2077: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
2078: %%
2079: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
2080: Avoid him. He's a Commie.
2081: %%
2082: The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
2083: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
2084: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
2085: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
2086: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
2087:
2088: "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
2089: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
2090: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
2091: -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
2092:
2093: "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
2094:
2095: Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
2096:
2097: -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
2098: %%
2099: I really hate this damned machine
2100: I wish that they would sell it.
2101: It never does quite what I want
2102: But only what I tell it.
2103: %%
2104: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
2105: %%
2106: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
2107: %%
2108: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
2109: %%
2110: Vote anarchist
2111: %%
2112: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
2113: %%
2114: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
2115: %%
2116: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
2117: %%
2118: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
2119: %%
2120: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
2121: %%
2122: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
2123: will be temporarily canceled.
2124: %%
2125: Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
2126: %%
2127: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
2128: for a dial tone.
2129: %%
2130: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
2131: %%
2132: Condense soup, not books!
2133: %%
2134: The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
2135: %%
2136: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
2137: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
2138: %%
2139: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
2140: %%
2141: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
2142: %%
2143: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
2144: %%
2145: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
2146: %%
2147: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
2148: %%
2149: Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
2150: %%
2151: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
2152: %%
2153: Hire the morally handicapped.
2154: %%
2155: I can resist anything but temptation.
2156: %%
2157: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
2158: %%
2159: Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
2160: %%
2161: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
2162: %%
2163: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
2164: %%
2165: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
2166: Western Civilization?
2167: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
2168: %%
2169: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
2170: %%
2171: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
2172: %%
2173: "All flesh is grass"
2174: -- Isiah
2175: Smoke a friend today.
2176: %%
2177: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
2178: %%
2179: George Orwell was an optimist.
2180: %%
2181: Chicken Little was right.
2182: %%
2183: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
2184: %%
2185: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
2186: %%
2187: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
2188: %%
2189: Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
2190: %%
2191: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
2192: %%
2193: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
2194: %%
2195: Hail to the sun god
2196: He sure is a fun god
2197: Ra! Ra! Ra!
2198: %%
2199: Brain fried -- Core dumped
2200: %%
2201: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
2202: %%
2203: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
2204: once.
2205: %%
2206: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
2207: hands.
2208: %%
2209: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
2210: %%
2211: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
2212: %%
2213: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
2214: %%
2215: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
2216: %%
2217: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
2218: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
2219: %%
2220: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
2221: -- Salvor Hardin
2222: %%
2223: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
2224: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
2225: %%
2226: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
2227: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
2228: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
2229: %%
2230: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
2231: %%
2232: Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
2233: %%
2234: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
2235: %%
2236: Down with categorical imperative!
2237: %%
2238: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
2239: %%
2240: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
2241: %%
2242: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
2243: %%
2244: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
2245: %%
2246: Lysistrata had a good idea.
2247: %%
2248: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
2249: %%
2250: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
2251: %%
2252: Familiarity breeds attempt
2253: %%
2254: Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
2255: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
2256: bomb.
2257: %%
2258: Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
2259: %%
2260: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
2261: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
2262: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
2263: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
2264: not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
2265: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
2266: others who have tried it.
2267: %%
2268: Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
2269: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
2270: %%
2271: Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
2272: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
2273: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
2274: %%
2275: Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
2276: %%
2277: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
2278: and then pulled an all-nighter.
2279: %%
2280: God is a polythiest
2281: %%
2282: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
2283: %%
2284: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
2285: %%
2286: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
2287: asked the father of his little son.
2288: "Diet."
2289: %%
2290: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
2291: ourselves.
2292: %%
2293: Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
2294: %%
2295: "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
2296: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
2297: %%
2298: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
2299: to work.
2300: %%
2301: "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
2302: %%
2303: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
2304: at the steam fitters' picnic.
2305: %%
2306: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
2307: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
2308: -- Albert Einstein
2309: %%
2310: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
2311: -- R. Geis
2312: %%
2313: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
2314: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
2315: -- Lewis Carroll
2316: %%
2317: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
2318: -- Hawkwind
2319: %%
2320: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
2321: %%
2322: There was a young poet named Dan,
2323: Whose poetry never would scan.
2324: When told this was so,
2325: He said, "Yes, I know.
2326: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
2327: %%
2328: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
2329: Into space that is quite economical.
2330: But the good ones I've seen
2331: So seldom are clean,
2332: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
2333: %%
2334: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
2335: %%
2336: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
2337: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
2338: %%
2339: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
2340: -- Lily Tomlin
2341: %%
2342: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
2343: %%
2344: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
2345: -- Albert Einstein
2346: %%
2347: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
2348: harder.
2349: -- Pope John Paul I
2350: %%
2351: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
2352: what it is I'll get married again.
2353: -- Clint Eastwood
2354: %%
2355: Flappity, floppity, flip
2356: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
2357: The strip revolved,
2358: The mouse dissolved
2359: In a chronodimensional skip.
2360: %%
2361: ...And malt does more than Milton can
2362: to justify God's ways to man
2363: -- A. E. Housman
2364: %%
2365: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
2366:
2367: Oh, dear, where can the matter be
2368: When it's converted to energy?
2369: There is a slight loss of parity.
2370: Johnny's so long at the fair.
2371: %%
2372: PLUNDERER'S THEME
2373: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
2374:
2375: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
2376: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
2377: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
2378: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
2379: %%
2380: IBM had a PL/I,
2381: Its syntax worse than JOSS;
2382: And everywhere this language went,
2383: It was a total loss.
2384: %%
2385: System/3! System/3!
2386: See how it runs! See how it runs!
2387: Its monitor loses so totally!
2388: It runs all its programs in RPG!
2389: It's made by our favorite monopoly!
2390: System/3!
2391: %%
2392: As I was passing Project MAC,
2393: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
2394: Every hack had seven bugs;
2395: Every bug had seven manifestations;
2396: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
2397: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
2398: How many losses at Project MAC?
2399: %%
2400: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
2401: Take not a single bit!
2402: It used to point to me,
2403: Now I'm protecting it.
2404: It was the reader's CONS
2405: That made it, paired by dot;
2406: Now, GC, for the nonce,
2407: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
2408: %%
2409: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
2410: 99 blocks of crud!
2411: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
2412: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
2413:
2414: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
2415: 100 blocks of crud!
2416: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
2417: 101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
2418: %%
2419: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
2420: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
2421: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
2422: And Cory raths outgrave.
2423:
2424: "Beware the software rot, my son!
2425: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
2426: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
2427: The frumious system crash!"
2428: %%
2429: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
2430: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
2431: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
2432: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
2433: receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
2434: %%
2435: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
2436: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
2437: %%
2438: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
2439: are 50-50 it will.
2440: %%
2441: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
2442: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
2443: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
2444: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
2445: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
2446: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
2447: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
2448: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
2449: information in the first place."
2450:
2451: -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
2452: %%
2453: A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
2454: %%
2455: Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
2456: body is better.
2457: -- Foolish Dictionary
2458: %%
2459: Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
2460: %%
2461: Accuracy: The vice of being right
2462: %%
2463: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
2464: coughing."
2465: %%
2466: Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
2467: %%
2468: Adult: One old enough to know better.
2469: %%
2470: Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
2471: -- Thomas Jefferson
2472: %%
2473: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
2474: example.
2475: -- La Rouchefoucauld
2476: %%
2477: Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
2478: the morning.
2479: %%
2480: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
2481: them keeps paying for it.
2482: -- Peggy Joyce
2483: %%
2484: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
2485: -- Charlie McCarthy
2486: %%
2487: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
2488: to decadence without touching civilization.
2489: -- John O'Hara
2490: %%
2491: Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
2492: %%
2493: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
2494: shoes.
2495: -- Mickey Mouse
2496: %%
2497: Ass: The masculine of "lass".
2498: %%
2499: Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
2500: pedestrians.
2501: %%
2502: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
2503: responsibility at the other.
2504: %%
2505: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
2506: out of a divorce.
2507: -- Don Quinn
2508: %%
2509: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
2510: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2511: -- Mark Twain
2512: %%
2513: Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
2514: %%
2515: Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
2516: %%
2517: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
2518: as afterward.
2519: %%
2520: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
2521: -- Fred Allen
2522: %%
2523: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
2524: poor to protect them from each other.
2525: %%
2526: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
2527: effort to teach them good manners.
2528: %%
2529: Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
2530: %%
2531: Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
2532: tobacco in between.
2533: %%
2534: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
2535: -- Herbert Prochnow
2536: %%
2537: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
2538: elsewhere."
2539: %%
2540: Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
2541: that the other fellow can spell.
2542: %%
2543: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
2544: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
2545: the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
2546: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
2547: loss to humanity.
2548: -- H. L. Mencken
2549: %%
2550: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
2551: -- H. L. Mencken
2552: %%
2553: Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
2554: breath is called the listener.
2555: %%
2556: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
2557: Corner, Vermont."
2558: -- Clarence Darrow
2559: %%
2560: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
2561: eat.
2562: -- John McNulty
2563: %%
2564: Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
2565: %%
2566: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
2567: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
2568: -- G. B. Shaw
2569: %%
2570: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
2571: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
2572: -- Senator Soaper
2573: %%
2574: Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
2575: -- Elbert Hubbard
2576: %%
2577: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
2578: %%
2579: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
2580: fur coat.
2581: %%
2582: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
2583: of being a damned fool.
2584: -- Bellamy Brooks
2585: %%
2586: Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2587: %%
2588: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
2589: mistake when you make it again.
2590: -- F. P. Jones
2591: %%
2592: "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
2593: hour!"
2594: -- Macy's
2595: %%
2596: Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
2597: %%
2598: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
2599: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
2600: %%
2601: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
2602: every six months.
2603: -- Oscar Wilde
2604: %%
2605: We wish you a Hare Krishna
2606: We wish you a Hare Krishna
2607: We wish you a Hare Krishna
2608: And a Sun Myung Moon!
2609:
2610: -- Maxwell Smart
2611: %%
2612: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
2613: %%
2614: There was a young lady from Hyde
2615: Who ate a green apple and died.
2616: While her lover lamented
2617: The apple fermented
2618: And made cider inside her inside.
2619: %%
2620: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
2621: As Dame Fortune did intend,
2622: Murphy would be there to tell me
2623: The pot's at the other end.
2624: -- Bert Whitney
2625: %%
2626: Silverman's Law:
2627: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
2628: %%
2629: Hindsight is an exact science.
2630: %%
2631: Ducharme's Precept:
2632: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
2633: %%
2634: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
2635: %%
2636: Naeser's Law:
2637: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
2638: damnfoolproof.
2639: %%
2640: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
2641: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
2642: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
2643: exceed all expectations.
2644: -- Reverend Chichester
2645: %%
2646: The Third Law of Photography:
2647: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
2648: when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
2649: the dark leaks out.
2650: %%
2651: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
2652: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
2653: it wasn't worth doing.
2654: %%
2655: Conway's Law:
2656: In any organization there will always be one person who knows
2657: what is going on.
2658:
2659: This person must be fired.
2660: %%
2661: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
2662: %%
2663: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
2664: give it back to them.
2665: %%
2666: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
2667: doing.
2668: %%
2669: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
2670: mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
2671: Boss is reading it.
2672: %%
2673: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
2674: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
2675: %%
2676: DeVries' Dilemma:
2677: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
2678: hits the paper.
2679: %%
2680: When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2681: %%
2682: Finagle's Creed:
2683: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
2684: %%
2685: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
2686: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
2687: once.
2688: 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
2689: points.
2690: %%
2691: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
2692: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
2693: reject the proposal.
2694: %%
2695: Jones' First Law:
2696: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
2697: endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
2698: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
2699: importance of their original contribution.
2700: %%
2701: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
2702: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
2703: handle.
2704: %%
2705: When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
2706: modify the problem, not the remedy.
2707: %%
2708: Horngren's Observation:
2709: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
2710: %%
2711: First Rule of History:
2712: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
2713: other.
2714: %%
2715: Hanlon's Razor:
2716: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
2717: stupidity.
2718: %%
2719: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
2720: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
2721: instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
2722: Corollary:
2723: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
2724: except study for that instructor's course.
2725: %%
2726: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
2727: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
2728: Corollary:
2729: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
2730: live.
2731: %%
2732: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
2733: knows what it is.
2734: %%
2735: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
2736: %%
2737: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
2738: price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
2739: means the price went way up.
2740: %%
2741: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
2742: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
2743: $19.95.
2744: %%
2745: Van Roy's Law:
2746: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
2747: %%
2748: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
2749: on.
2750: %%
2751: Arthur's Laws of Love:
2752: 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
2753: remind them of someone else.
2754: 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
2755: be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
2756: of yourself in person.
2757: %%
2758: Colvard's Logical Premises:
2759: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
2760: it won't.
2761: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
2762: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
2763: attracted to.
2764: Grelb's Commentary
2765: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
2766: %%
2767: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
2768: Superiority is recessive.
2769: %%
2770: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
2771: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
2772: %%
2773: Ducharm's Axiom:
2774: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
2775: yourself as part of the problem.
2776: %%
2777: A Law of Computer Programming:
2778: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
2779: will find the programmers cannot write in English.
2780: %%
2781: Turnaucka's Law:
2782: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
2783: electrical cord.
2784: %%
2785: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
2786: never have to stop and answer the phone.
2787: %%
2788: Bradley's Bromide:
2789: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
2790: committee -- that will do them in.
2791: %%
2792: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
2793: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
2794: the computer.
2795: %%
2796: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
2797: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
2798: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
2799: %%
2800: Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
2801: %%
2802: Eleanor Rigby
2803: Sits at the keyboard
2804: And waits for a line on the screen
2805: Lives in a dream
2806: Waits for a signal
2807: Finding some code
2808: That will make the machine do some more.
2809: What is it for?
2810:
2811: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
2812: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
2813: %%
2814: The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
2815: it isn't here.
2816: -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
2817: %%
2818: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
2819: -- Groucho Marx
2820: %%
2821: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
2822: -- Groucho Marx
2823: %%
2824: Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
2825: -- Adlai Stevenson
2826: %%
2827: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
2828: in students.
2829: -- John Ciardi
2830: %%
2831: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
2832: by the number of people in the group.
2833: %%
2834: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
2835: -- Jules de Gaultier
2836: %%
2837: Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
2838: indigestion.
2839: %%
2840: Justice: A decision in your favor.
2841: %%
2842: Kin: An affliction of the blood
2843: %%
2844: Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
2845: to date.
2846: %%
2847: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
2848: world has ever seen.
2849: %%
2850: Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
2851: %%
2852: Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
2853: %%
2854: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
2855: -- Mark Twain
2856: %%
2857: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
2858: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
2859: -- Oscar Wilde
2860: %%
2861: Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
2862: %%
2863: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
2864: with a large fortune."
2865: %%
2866: Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
2867: -- Ambrose Bierce
2868: %%
2869: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
2870: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
2871: bread.
2872: -- Anatole France
2873: %%
2874: BLISS is ignorance
2875: %%
2876: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
2877:
2878: Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2879: 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2880: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
2881: Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
2882: Cinnamon
2883:
2884: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
2885: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
2886: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
2887: juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
2888: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
2889: crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
2890: steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
2891: is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
2892:
2893: -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
2894: %%
2895: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
2896: %%
2897: The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
2898: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
2899: program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
2900: one, and convert to the next higher units.
2901: %%
2902: Predestination was doomed from the start.
2903: %%
2904: Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
2905: it holds the universe together...
2906: -- Carl Zwanzig
2907: %%
2908: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
2909: %%
2910: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
2911: %%
2912: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
2913: %%
2914: Love is sentimental measles.
2915: %%
2916: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
2917: there is nothing in it.
2918: %%
2919: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
2920: really make them think they'll hate you.
2921: %%
2922: I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
2923: was to go away.
2924: %%
2925: If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
2926: headed.
2927: %%
2928: "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
2929: sane."
2930: %%
2931: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
2932: make the rubble bounce"
2933: -- Winston Churchill
2934: %%
2935: But scientists, who ought to know
2936: Assure us that it must be so.
2937: Oh, let us never, never doubt
2938: What nobody is sure about.
2939: -- Hilaire Belloc
2940: %%
2941: The three laws of thermodynamics:
2942:
2943: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
2944: The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
2945: even.
2946: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
2947: %%
2948: Famous last words:
2949: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
2950: 2) "You and what army?"
2951: 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
2952: a cop."
2953: %%
2954: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
2955: Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
2956: in kernel as it is in user!
2957: %%
2958: Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
2959:
2960: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
2961: the light comes on.
2962: %%
2963: AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
2964: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
2965: a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
2966: impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
2967: again. People think you are stupid.
2968: %%
2969: PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
2970: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
2971: the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
2972: people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
2973: you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
2974: animals.
2975: %%
2976: ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
2977: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
2978: quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
2979: nice.
2980: %%
2981: TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
2982: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
2983: work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
2984: You are a Communist.
2985: %%
2986: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
2987: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
2988: are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
2989: little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
2990: incest.
2991: %%
2992: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
2993: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
2994: think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
2995: you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
2996: Cancer people.
2997: %%
2998: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
2999: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
3000: Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
3001: Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
3002: %%
3003: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
3004: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
3005: sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
3006: fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
3007: %%
3008: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
3009: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
3010: you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
3011: and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
3012: All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
3013: %%
3014: SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
3015: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
3016: pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
3017: people are murdered.
3018: %%
3019: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
3020: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
3021: rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
3022: drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
3023: %%
3024: CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
3025: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
3026: anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
3027: importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
3028: they take root and become trees.
3029: %%
3030: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
3031: San Francisco?
3032: A: Both of them.
3033: %%
3034: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
3035: %%
3036: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
3037: %%
3038: A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
3039: about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
3040: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
3041: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
3042: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
3043: incredible surgical feat."
3044: The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
3045: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
3046: that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
3047: architect."
3048: The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
3049: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
3050: %%
3051: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
3052: government at all.
3053: %%
3054: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
3055: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
3056: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
3057: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
3058: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
3059: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
3060: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
3061: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
3062: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
3063: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
3064: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
3065: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
3066: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
3067: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
3068: %%
3069: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
3070: %%
3071: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
3072: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
3073: atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
3074: -- Mark Twain
3075: %%
3076: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
3077: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
3078: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
3079: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
3080: -- George Bernard Shaw
3081: %%
3082: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
3083: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
3084: to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
3085: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
3086: %%
3087: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
3088: 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on
3089: his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
3090: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
3091: %%
3092: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
3093: -- Walt Kelly
3094: %%
3095: Laetrile is the pits
3096: %%
3097: Got Mole problems?
3098: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
3099: %%
3100: There's no future in time travel
3101: %%
3102: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
3103: %%
3104: Time flies like an arrow
3105: Fruit flies like a banana
3106: %%
3107: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
3108: %%
3109: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
3110: %%
3111: "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
3112: %%
3113: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
3114: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
3115: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
3116: -- Bruce Leverett
3117: "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
3118: %%
3119: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
3120: three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
3121: %%
3122: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
3123: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
3124: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
3125: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
3126: dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
3127: what's wrong."
3128: %%
3129: Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from
3130: FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to
3131: frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
3132: sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
3133: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
3134: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
3135: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
3136: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
3137: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
3138: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
3139: %%
3140: USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
3141: %%
3142: Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it,
3143: which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
3144: full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
3145: %%
3146: Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the
3147: worst vegetable of next year.
3148: %%
3149: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the
3150: little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
3151: now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
3152: According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
3153: %%
3154: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the
3155: shortest, though.
3156: %%
3157: There once was a girl named Irene
3158: Who lived on distilled kerosene
3159: But she started absorbin'
3160: A new hydrocarbon
3161: And since then has never benzene.
3162: %%
3163: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
3164: handicapped.
3165: -- Elbert Hubbard
3166: %%
3167: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
3168: %%
3169: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
3170: World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
3171: -- Albert Einstein
3172: %%
3173: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
3174: -- Eleanor Roosevelt
3175: %%
3176: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
3177: %%
3178: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
3179: %%
3180: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
3181: %%
3182: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
3183: -- Bill Hoest
3184: %%
3185: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3186: A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
3187: Californians trying to share the experience.
3188: %%
3189: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
3190: %%
3191: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
3192: have poured on a waffle.
3193: %%
3194: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
3195: %%
3196: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
3197: %%
3198: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
3199: %%
3200: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
3201: %%
3202: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
3203: hope I don't get run over again.
3204: %%
3205: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
3206: %%
3207: Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
3208: %%
3209: Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
3210: their destitution of conscience.
3211: %%
3212: Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
3213: himself from the sphere of exaction.
3214: %%
3215: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
3216: %%
3217: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
3218: %%
3219: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
3220: %%
3221: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
3222: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
3223: %%
3224: Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
3225: slandered.
3226: %%
3227: Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
3228: dispel a source of error in an opponent.
3229: %%
3230: Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
3231: %%
3232: A computer, to print out a fact,
3233: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
3234: But this output can be
3235: No more than debris,
3236: If the input was short of exact.
3237: -- Gigo
3238: %%
3239: Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
3240: %%
3241: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
3242: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
3243:
3244: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
3245: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
3246: %%
3247: Razors pain you;
3248: Rivers are damp;
3249: Acids stain you;
3250: And drugs cause cramp.
3251: Guns aren't lawful;
3252: Nooses give;
3253: Gas smells awful;
3254: You might as well live.
3255: -- Dorothy Parker
3256: %%
3257: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
3258: to reform.
3259: -- Mark Twain
3260: %%
3261: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
3262: -- Henry Kissinger
3263: %%
3264: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
3265: --Oscar Wilde
3266: %%
3267: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
3268: -- Oscar Wilde
3269: %%
3270: About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
3271: ends.
3272: -- Herbert Hoover
3273: %%
3274: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
3275: that is not being talked about.
3276: -- Oscar Wilde
3277: %%
3278: The sun was shining on the sea,
3279: Shining with all his might:
3280: He did his very best to make
3281: The billows smooth and bright --
3282: And this was very odd, because it was
3283: The middle of the night.
3284: -- Lewis Carroll
3285: %%
3286: It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
3287: happens.
3288: -- Woody Allen.
3289: %%
3290: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
3291: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
3292: -- Oscar Wilde
3293: %%
3294: I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
3295: -- Joe Walsh
3296: %%
3297: 43rd Law of Computing:
3298: Anything that can go wr
3299: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
3300: %%
3301: JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
3302: by Mark Isaak
3303:
3304: Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
3305: character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
3306: hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
3307: are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
3308: BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
3309: to him.
3310: So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
3311: he met the traveling salesman.
3312: "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
3313: in high-level language.
3314: "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
3315: and Apples," commented Jack.
3316: "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
3317: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
3318: Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
3319: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
3320: started thrashing.
3321: "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
3322: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
3323: window...
3324: %%
3325: THE STORY OF CREATION
3326: or
3327: THE MYTH OF URK
3328:
3329: In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
3330: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
3331: was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
3332: registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
3333: and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
3334: Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
3335: and there was morning, one interrupt...
3336:
3337: -- Rico Tudor
3338: %%
3339: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
3340: -- Lazarus Long
3341: %%
3342: FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
3343: the little hand is on the ....
3344: %%
3345: Only God can make random selections.
3346: %%
3347: Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
3348: bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
3349: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
3350:
3351: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3352: %%
3353: Limericks are art forms complex,
3354: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
3355: They usually have virgins,
3356: And masculine urgin's,
3357: And other erotic effects.
3358: %%
3359: Kinkler's First Law:
3360: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
3361:
3362: Kinkler's Second Law:
3363: All the easy problems have been solved.
3364: %%
3365: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
3366: -- Bertold Brecht
3367: %%
3368: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
3369: %%
3370: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3371:
3372: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
3373: the way.
3374: %%
3375: University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
3376: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
3377: fix it, and ...
3378: %%
3379: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3380: None: "We'll fix it in software."
3381:
3382: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3383: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
3384:
3385: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3386: None: "The user can work it out."
3387: %%
3388: William Safire's Rules for Writers:
3389:
3390: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
3391: be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
3392: agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
3393: out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
3394: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
3395: not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
3396: conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
3397: sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
3398: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
3399: words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
3400: must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
3401: linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
3402: metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
3403: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
3404: writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
3405: the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
3406: viable alternatives.
3407: %%
3408: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
3409: -- Mark Twain
3410: %%
3411: Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
3412: miss
3413: %%
3414: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
3415: %%
3416: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
3417: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
3418: Let others think his heart is big,
3419: I think it stupid of the Pig.
3420: %%
3421: I think that I shall never see
3422: A billboard lovely as a tree.
3423: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
3424: I'll never see a tree at all.
3425: %%
3426: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
3427: %%
3428: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
3429: %%
3430: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
3431: %%
3432: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
3433: %%
3434: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
3435: %%
3436: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
3437: enough cheese
3438: %%
3439: Whether you can hear it or not
3440: The Universe is laughing behind your back
3441: %%
3442: Go 'way! You're bothering me!
3443: %%
3444: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
3445: -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
3446: %%
3447: Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
3448: aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken
3449: soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
3450: -- Arthur Naiman
3451: %%
3452: There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
3453: someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
3454: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
3455: Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
3456: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
3457: this?
3458: Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
3459: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u
3460: can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
3461: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
3462: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
3463: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
3464: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
3465: -- Arthur Naiman
3466: %%
3467: An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
3468: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
3469: "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
3470: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
3471: an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
3472: hour seems like a minute."
3473: The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
3474: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
3475: -- Arthur Naiman
3476: %%
3477: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
3478:
3479: Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
3480: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
3481: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
3482: Obvious, isn't it?
3483: Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
3484: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
3485: long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
3486: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
3487: so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
3488: individuals and then grow....
3489: Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
3490: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
3491: everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
3492: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
3493: backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
3494: think not, my friend, I think not.
3495: -- Arthur Naiman
3496: %%
3497: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
3498:
3499: Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
3500: at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
3501: saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
3502: though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
3503: -- Arthur Naiman
3504: %%
3505: Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
3506: as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
3507:
3508: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
3509: Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
3510: Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
3511: "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
3512: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
3513: Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
3514: Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
3515: goyish. Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
3516: Jews won't go near them..."
3517:
3518: -- Arthur Naiman
3519: %%
3520: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
3521: create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
3522: retail."
3523: -- Arthur Naiman
3524: %%
3525: Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
3526: still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
3527: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
3528: the the difference between life and death.
3529: You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
3530: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
3531: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
3532: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
3533: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
3534: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
3535: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
3536: Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
3537: -- Arthur Naiman
3538: %%
3539: A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
3540: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
3541: "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
3542: and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
3543: "But the collar is up around my ears!"
3544: "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
3545: more...that's it."
3546: "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
3547: "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
3548: go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
3549: So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
3550: street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
3551: "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
3552: "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
3553: -- Arthur Naiman
3554: %%
3555: Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
3556: Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
3557: pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
3558: military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
3559: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
3560: They can't prove who they are because they've left their
3561: passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
3562: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
3563: movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
3564: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
3565: The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
3566: they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
3567: if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
3568: her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
3569: possible, and turns to Murray.
3570: "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
3571: spits in the sergeants face.
3572: "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
3573: -- Arthur Naiman
3574: %%
3575: Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
3576: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
3577: A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
3578: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
3579: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
3580: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
3581: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
3582: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
3583: am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
3584: he's nobody!"
3585: %%
3586: "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
3587: -- Paul McCracken
3588: %%
3589: Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to
3590: have nothing whatever to do with it.
3591: -- W. Somerset Maughm
3592: %%
3593: Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
3594: -- George Saunders' dying words
3595: %%
3596: Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
3597: conventional thing to happen to him.
3598: -- John Barrymore's dying words
3599: %%
3600: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
3601: %%
3602: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
3603: one.
3604: %%
3605: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
3606: %%
3607: Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
3608: %%
3609: Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
3610: written and another for which it wasn't.
3611: %%
3612: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
3613: him up.
3614: %%
3615: Optimization hinders evolution.
3616: %%
3617: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
3618: not worth knowing.
3619: %%
3620: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
3621: taught how _n_o_t to. So it is with the great programmers.
3622: %%
3623: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
3624: describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
3625: described with pictures.
3626: %%
3627: There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
3628: works.
3629: %%
3630: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
3631: variable."
3632: %%
3633: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
3634: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
3635: %%
3636: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
3637: revitalize the corner saloon.
3638: %%
3639: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
3640: nothing of interest is easy.
3641: %%
3642: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
3643: nothing.
3644: %%
3645: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
3646: versa.
3647: %%
3648: In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
3649: programming languages.
3650: %%
3651: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
3652: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
3653: %%
3654: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
3655: meant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a
3656: soap bubble?
3657: %%
3658: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
3659: in God.
3660: %%
3661: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
3662: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
3663: %%
3664: Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also
3665: easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
3666: improve.
3667: %%
3668: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
3669: %%
3670: Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
3671: %%
3672: Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
3673: automation?
3674: %%
3675: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
3676: %%
3677: Be different: conform.
3678: %%
3679: Save energy: be apathetic.
3680: %%
3681: I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
3682: -- Kehlog Albran
3683: %%
3684: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
3685: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
3686:
3687: Q: How long does it take?
3688: A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
3689: brought with them.
3690:
3691: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
3692: A: They replace your generator.
3693: %%
3694: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
3695:
3696: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
3697: Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
3698: open market.
3699:
3700: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
3701: should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
3702: himself.
3703:
3704: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
3705: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
3706: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
3707:
3708: -- Kehlog Albran
3709: %%
3710: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
3711: %%
3712: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
3713:
3714: And he answered:
3715: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for
3716: existence.
3717: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their
3718: backs.
3719: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
3720: to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
3721: have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
3722:
3723: And that is Fate? said the priest.
3724:
3725: Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
3726:
3727: That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
3728: what Freight was too.
3729:
3730: -- Kehlog Albran
3731: %%
3732: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
3733: lightly greased."
3734: -- Kehlog Albran
3735: %%
3736: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
3737: -- Kehlog Albran
3738: %%
3739: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
3740: -- Kehlog Albran
3741: %%
3742: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
3743: -- Dr. Who
3744: %%
3745: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
3746: immune to bullets"
3747: -- The Brigader, from Dr. Who
3748: %%
3749: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
3750: Support your right to bare arms!
3751: %%
3752: They also surf who only stand on waves.
3753: %%
3754: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
3755: -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
3756: %%
3757: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
3758: -- Alan Perlis
3759: %%
3760: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
3761: the continuing viability of Fortran.
3762: -- Alan Perlis
3763: %%
3764: A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
3765: nothing.
3766: -- Alan Perlis
3767: %%
3768: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
3769: -- Alan Perlis
3770: %%
3771: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
3772: program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
3773: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
3774: self-critical?
3775: -- Alan Perlis
3776: %%
3777: "Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
3778: bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once
3779: punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
3780: bazingas, and such."
3781: -- N. Meyrowitz
3782: %%
3783: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
3784: %%
3785: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
3786: [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
3787: -- Aelius Donatus
3788: %%
3789: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
3790: invent it.
3791: %%
3792: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
3793: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
3794: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
3795: -- Voltaire
3796: %%
3797: The superfluous is very necessary.
3798: -- Voltaire
3799: %%
3800: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
3801: virginity could be a virtue.
3802: -- Voltaire
3803: %%
3804: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
3805: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
3806: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
3807: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
3808: %%
3809: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
3810: When all goes right and none goes wrong,
3811: And isn't your life extremely flat
3812: With nothing whatever to grumble at!
3813: %%
3814: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
3815: -- A. P. Herbert
3816: %%
3817: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
3818: -- Trotsky
3819: %%
3820: It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
3821: -- Gore Vidal
3822: %%
3823: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
3824: %%
3825: The rain it raineth on the just
3826: And also on the unjust fella,
3827: But chiefly on the just, because
3828: The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
3829: %%
3830: The world's as ugly as sin,
3831: And almost as delightful
3832: -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
3833: %%
3834: "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3835: Candy
3836: Is dandy
3837: But liquor
3838: Is quicker.
3839:
3840: -- Ogden Nash
3841: %%
3842: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
3843: -- Jules Feiffer
3844: %%
3845: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
3846: them on the head.
3847: %%
3848: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
3849: %%
3850: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
3851: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
3852: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
3853: inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
3854: already happened.
3855: -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
3856: %%
3857: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
3858: and wrong.
3859: -- H. L. Mencken
3860: %%
3861: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
3862: %%
3863: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
3864: -- Wernher von Braun
3865: %%
3866: My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
3867: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
3868: sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
3869: through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
3870: listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
3871: log out again.
3872: %%
3873: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
3874: %%
3875: "Grub first, then ethics."
3876: -- Bertolt Brecht
3877: %%
3878: "I drink to make other people interesting."
3879: -- George Jean Nathan
3880: %%
3881: DETERIORATA
3882:
3883: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
3884: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
3885: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
3886: Rotate your tires.
3887: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
3888: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
3889: Know what to kiss -- and when.
3890: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
3891: But that three do.
3892: Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
3893: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
3894: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
3895: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
3896:
3897: You are a fluke of the universe...
3898: You have no right to be here.
3899: Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
3900: Is laughing behind your back.
3901: %%
3902: %%
3903: I sent a letter to the fish,
3904: I told them, "This is what I wish."
3905: The little fishes of the sea,
3906: They sent an answer back to me.
3907: The little fishes' answer was
3908: "We cannot do it, sir, because..."
3909: I sent a letter back to say
3910: It would be better to obey.
3911: But someone came to me and said
3912: "The little fishes are in bed."
3913: I said to him, and I said it plain
3914: "Then you must wake them up again."
3915: I said it very loud and clear,
3916: I went and shouted in his ear.
3917: But he was very stiff and proud,
3918: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
3919: And he was very proud and stiff,
3920: He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
3921: I took a kettle from the shelf,
3922: I went to wake them up myself.
3923: But when I found the door was locked
3924: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
3925: And when I found the door was shut,
3926: I tried to turn the handle, But...
3927:
3928: "Is that all?" asked Alice.
3929: "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
3930: %%
3931: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
3932: -- Steven Feiner
3933: %%
3934: E Pluribus Unix
3935: %%
3936: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
3937: %%
3938: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
3939: %%
3940: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
3941: -- Edgar A. Shoaff
3942: %%
3943: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
3944: more important to do.
3945: %%
3946: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
3947: %%
3948: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
3949: importance.
3950: %%
3951: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
3952: having to accomplish anything.
3953: %%
3954: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
3955: %%
3956: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
3957: %%
3958: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
3959: least until we've finished building it.
3960: %%
3961: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
3962: %%
3963: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
3964: no one we know belongs.
3965: %%
3966: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
3967: %%
3968: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
3969: %%
3970: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
3971: %%
3972: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
3973: nothing about.
3974: %%
3975: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
3976: to compare it with.
3977: %%
3978: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
3979: warning to others.
3980: %%
3981: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
3982: call it the target.
3983: %%
3984: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
3985: %%
3986: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
3987: -- Andrew Young
3988: %%
3989: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
3990: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
3991: important thing to people.
3992: -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
3993: %%
3994: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
3995: -- J. Paul Getty
3996: %%
3997: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
3998: -- Milton Friedman
3999: %%
4000: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
4001: down.
4002: %%
4003: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
4004: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
4005: -- Gloria Steinem
4006: %%
4007: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
4008: -- Pogo
4009: %%
4010: Nothing recedes like success.
4011: -- Walter Winchell
4012: %%
4013: I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
4014: -- Isaac Asimov
4015: %%
4016: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
4017: -- Lily Tomlin
4018: %%
4019: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
4020: the tree."
4021: -- Russell Long
4022: %%
4023: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
4024: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
4025: -- Joseph Heller
4026: %%
4027: Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
4028: be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
4029: -- Snoopy
4030: %%
4031: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
4032: payments.
4033: -- Earl Wilson
4034: %%
4035: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
4036: %%
4037: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
4038: error.
4039: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
4040: %%
4041: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
4042: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
4043: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
4044: %%
4045: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
4046: -- Frank Lloyd Wright
4047: %%
4048: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
4049: attacks democracy itself.
4050: -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
4051: %%
4052: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
4053: -- Eric Hoffer
4054: %%
4055: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
4056: doubt.
4057: -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
4058: %%
4059: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
4060: shopping center in the world?
4061: -- Richard Nixon
4062: %%
4063: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
4064: %%
4065: AMAZING BUT TRUE...
4066: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
4067: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
4068: %%
4069: AMAZING BUT TRUE...
4070: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
4071: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
4072: %%
4073: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
4074: account be allowed to do the job.
4075: -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
4076: %%
4077: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
4078: -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
4079: %%
4080: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
4081:
4082: Dear Sir,
4083:
4084: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
4085: to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
4086: public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
4087: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
4088: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
4089: agricultural industry.
4090:
4091: Yours faithfully,
4092: Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
4093: Sevenoaks
4094: %%
4095: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
4096: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
4097: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
4098: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
4099: because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
4100: fact, for he merely said:
4101:
4102: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
4103: it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
4104: because it is impossible."
4105:
4106: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
4107: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
4108:
4109: -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
4110:
4111: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
4112: %%
4113: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
4114: %%
4115: SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
4116: %%
4117: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
4118: %%
4119: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
4120: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
4121: discotheques.
4122: -- Art Linkletter
4123: %%
4124: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
4125: -- Frank Zappa
4126: %%
4127: Justice is incidental to law and order.
4128: -- J. Edgar Hoover
4129: %%
4130: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
4131: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
4132: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
4133: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
4134: world put together.
4135: -- Sir Peter Medawar
4136: %%
4137: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
4138: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
4139: %%
4140: Flon's Law:
4141: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
4142: the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
4143: %%
4144: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
4145:
4146: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
4147: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
4148: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
4149: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
4150: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
4151: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
4152: stood lookout.
4153: %%
4154: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
4155: %%
4156: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
4157: that would be clearly understood."
4158: -- Alexander Haig
4159: %%
4160: This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
4161: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
4162: to go.
4163: %%
4164: To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
4165: -- Woody Allen
4166: %%
4167: "Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
4168: -- Jeff Berner
4169: %%
4170: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
4171: %%
4172: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
4173: %%
4174: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
4175: %%
4176: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
4177:
4178: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
4179: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
4180: without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
4181: contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
4182: can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
4183: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
4184: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
4185: and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
4186: `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
4187: you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
4188: Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
4189: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
4190: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
4191: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug....
4192: %%
4193: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
4194: -- Voltaire
4195: %%
4196: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
4197: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
4198: %%
4199: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
4200: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
4201: %%
4202: SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
4203: %%
4204: POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
4205: ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
4206: Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
4207: -- Martin Pitt
4208: %%
4209: CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
4210: 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
4211: intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land
4212: of hot sex."
4213: -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
4214: %%
4215: ETYMOLOGY: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
4216: that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
4217: formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
4218: 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to
4219: swallow."
4220: -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota
4221: %%
4222: Another Glitch in the Call
4223: ------- ------ -- --- ----
4224: (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
4225:
4226: We don't need no indirection
4227: We don't need no flow control
4228: No data typing or declarations
4229: Did you leave the lists alone?
4230:
4231: Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
4232:
4233: Chorus:
4234: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
4235: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
4236: %%
4237: Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
4238: %%
4239: Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
4240: %%
4241: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
4242: %%
4243: Bumper sticker:
4244:
4245: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
4246: manufacture"
4247: %%
4248: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
4249:
4250: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
4251:
4252: -- Lewis Carrol
4253: %%
4254: I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
4255: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
4256: %%
4257: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
4258: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
4259: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
4260: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
4261: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
4262: are a pretty neat idea...
4263:
4264: -- Douglas Adams
4265: "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4266: %%
4267: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
4268: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
4269: fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
4270: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
4271: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
4272: that so many people from point B are so keen to get t_h_e_r_e_. They often
4273: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
4274: they wanted to be.
4275:
4276: -- Douglas Adams
4277: "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4278: %%
4279: Serocki's Stricture:
4280: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
4281: %%
4282: Virtue is its own punishment.
4283: %%
4284: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
4285: %%
4286: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
4287: %%
4288: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
4289: respect their good judgement.
4290: %%
4291: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
4292: that the system works.
4293: %%
4294: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
4295: %%
4296: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
4297: %%
4298: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
4299: probably parked.
4300: %%
4301: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
4302: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
4303: %%
4304: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
4305: %%
4306: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
4307: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
4308: %%
4309: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
4310: enlightened him with ours.
4311: %%
4312: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
4313: it.
4314: %%
4315: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
4316: %%
4317: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
4318: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
4319: %%
4320: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
4321: appreciates how difficult it was.
4322: %%
4323: Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
4324: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
4325: %%
4326: Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
4327: constructive praise.
4328: %%
4329: History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
4330: %%
4331: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
4332: another chance later on.
4333: %%
4334: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
4335: make it complex and wonderful.
4336: %%
4337: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
4338: exam.
4339: %%
4340: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
4341: just how busy they are.
4342: %%
4343: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
4344: fence.
4345: %%
4346: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
4347: soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
4348: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
4349: %%
4350: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
4351: when well oiled.
4352: %%
4353: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
4354: %%
4355: Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
4356: when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
4357: %%
4358: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
4359: getting nervous.
4360: %%
4361: Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
4362: away.
4363: %%
4364: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
4365: back.
4366: %%
4367: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
4368: %%
4369: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
4370: paint.
4371: %%
4372: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
4373: crack in your sidewalk?
4374: %%
4375: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
4376: %%
4377: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
4378: %%
4379: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
4380: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
4381: %%
4382: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
4383: it tolls for thee.
4384: %%
4385: One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
4386: %%
4387: A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
4388: the real reason.
4389: %%
4390: Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
4391: playing golf with his boss.
4392: %%
4393: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
4394: %%
4395: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
4396: %%
4397: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
4398: word you say, talk in your sleep.
4399: %%
4400: X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
4401: imagination is the plot.
4402: %%
4403: People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
4404: %%
4405: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
4406: tellers take economists seriously?
4407: %%
4408: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
4409: unless it is an enemy.
4410: -- A. Einstein
4411: %%
4412: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
4413: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
4414: inexplicable."
4415:
4416: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
4417:
4418: -- "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
4419: %%
4420: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
4421: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
4422: scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
4423: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
4424: dimensional objects...
4425: %%
4426: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
4427: -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
4428: %%
4429: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
4430: other is to read Pope."
4431: -- Oscar Wilde
4432: %%
4433: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
4434: -- Gypsy Rose Lee
4435: %%
4436: A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
4437: the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
4438: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
4439: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
4440: "If what?" asked the composer.
4441: "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
4442: %%
4443: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
4444: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
4445: out again, it would be a calamity."
4446: -- Benjamin Disraeli
4447: %%
4448: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
4449: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
4450: secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
4451: 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
4452: And that's your chance, my boy."
4453: %%
4454: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
4455: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
4456: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
4457: the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
4458: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
4459: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
4460: yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
4461: man a lifetime."
4462: -- Thomas Aldrich
4463: %%
4464: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
4465: the smallest amount of thoughts."
4466: -- Winston Churchill
4467: %%
4468: Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
4469: everyone glued in their seats!"
4470: Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
4471: it!"
4472: %%
4473: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
4474: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
4475: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
4476: -- Samuel Johnson
4477: %%
4478: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
4479: -- Oscar Wilde
4480: %%
4481: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
4482: -- Mark Twain
4483: %%
4484: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
4485:
4486: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
4487:
4488: -- Wolfgang Pauli
4489: %%
4490: Leibowitz's Rule:
4491: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
4492: hold the hammer with both hands.
4493: %%
4494: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
4495: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
4496: of your eyes.
4497: %%
4498: Langsam's Laws:
4499: 1) Everything depends.
4500: 2) Nothing is always.
4501: 3) Everything is sometimes.
4502: %%
4503: Law of Probable Dispersal:
4504: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
4505: distributed.
4506: %%
4507: Meader's Law:
4508: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
4509: everyone you know, only more so.
4510: %%
4511: Fourth Law of Revision:
4512: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
4513: interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
4514: you.
4515: %%
4516: Sodd's Second Law:
4517: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
4518: bound to occur.
4519: %%
4520: Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
4521: work.
4522: %%
4523: Rule of Defactualization:
4524: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
4525: %%
4526: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
4527: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
4528: if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
4529: question back at him.
4530: %%
4531: Anthony's Law of Force:
4532: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
4533: %%
4534: Ray's Rule of Precision:
4535: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
4536: %%
4537: Rule of Creative Research:
4538: 1) Never draw what you can copy.
4539: 2) Never copy what you can trace.
4540: 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
4541: %%
4542: Barach's Rule:
4543: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
4544: physician.
4545: %%
4546: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
4547: "All your papers these days look the same;
4548: Those William's would be better unread --
4549: Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
4550:
4551: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
4552: "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
4553: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
4554: Made it pointless to think any more."
4555: %%
4556: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
4557: And make errors few people could bear;
4558: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
4559: Do you really think this is quite fair?"
4560:
4561: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
4562: "But my stature these days is so great
4563: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
4564: And to stop me it's now far too late."
4565: %%
4566: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
4567: And there isn't one language you like;
4568: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
4569: Have you thought about taking a hike?"
4570:
4571: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
4572: "Every language looks equally bad;
4573: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
4574: And don't realize that they've been had."
4575: %%
4576: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
4577: That your lectures bore people to death.
4578: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
4579: Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
4580:
4581: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
4582: Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
4583: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
4584: Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
4585: %%
4586: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
4587: and boot it when it crashes;
4588: It knows that one cannot relax
4589: Because the paging thrashes!
4590:
4591: Wow! Wow! Wow!
4592:
4593: I speak severely to my VAX,
4594: and boot it when it crashes;
4595: In spite of all my favorite hacks
4596: My jobs it always thrashes!
4597:
4598: Wow! Wow! Wow!
4599: %%
4600: When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
4601: clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
4602: to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
4603: In a way, the next move is up to him.
4604:
4605: -- R. A. Lafferty
4606: %%
4607: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
4608: %%
4609: "One planet is all you get."
4610: %%
4611: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
4612: don't."
4613: -- Dagwood Bumstead
4614: %%
4615: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
4616: %%
4617: Elevators smell different to midgets
4618: %%
4619: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
4620: %%
4621: Air is water with holes in it
4622: %%
4623: "Every time I think I know where it's at, the move it."
4624: %%
4625: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
4626: %%
4627: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
4628: %%
4629: The Roman Rule
4630: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
4631: one who is doing it.
4632: %%
4633: Lackland's Laws:
4634: 1. Never be first.
4635: 2. Never be last.
4636: 3. Never volunteer for anything
4637: %%
4638: Tussman's Law:
4639: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
4640: %%
4641: Oliver's Law:
4642: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
4643: it.
4644: %%
4645: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
4646: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
4647: held to discuss it.
4648: %%
4649: Baruch's Observation:
4650: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
4651: %%
4652: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
4653: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
4654: corner of the workshop.
4655:
4656: Corollary:
4657: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
4658: your toes.
4659: %%
4660: Second Law of Business Meetings:
4661: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
4662: will pick the wrong one.
4663:
4664: Corollary:
4665: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
4666: wrong, anyway.
4667: %%
4668: Grelb's Reminder:
4669: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
4670: average drivers.
4671: %%
4672: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
4673: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
4674: %%
4675: Rule of the Great:
4676: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
4677: thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
4678: %%
4679: Lieberman's Law:
4680: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
4681: %%
4682: Goldenstern's Rules:
4683: 1. Always hire a rich attorney
4684: 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
4685: %%
4686: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
4687: There are no answers, only cross references.
4688: %%
4689: Brook's Law:
4690: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
4691: %%
4692: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
4693: Murphy was an optimist.
4694: %-
4695: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
4696: look at the other guy's.
4697: -- Hal Hickman
4698: %%
4699: The United States Army;
4700: 194 years of proud service,
4701: unhampered by progress.
4702: %%
4703: Do something big -- fuck a giant
4704: %%
4705: Draft beer, not people
4706: %%
4707: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
4708: %%
4709: God is an atheist.
4710: %%
4711: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
4712: %%
4713: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
4714: Massaging the bust of his madam,
4715: He chuckled with mirth,
4716: For he knew that on earth,
4717: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
4718: %%
4719: Chaste makes waste.
4720: %%
4721: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
4722: %%
4723: Coito ergo sum
4724: %%
4725: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
4726: %%
4727: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
4728: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
4729: %%
4730: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
4731: %%
4732: I came; I saw; I fucked up
4733: %%
4734: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
4735: %%
4736: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
4737: %%
4738: Getting an education at the University of California is like
4739: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
4740: %%
4741: Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
4742: inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
4743: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
4744: inconsistent with a life of sin.
4745: %%
4746: Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
4747: man -- who has no gills.
4748: %%
4749: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
4750: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
4751: the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
4752: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
4753: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
4754: the country was hopelessly trapped.
4755: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
4756: %%
4757: "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
4758: matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
4759: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
4760: merriment.
4761: "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
4762: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
4763: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
4764: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
4765: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
4766: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
4767: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
4768: %%
4769: Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
4770: It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
4771: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
4772: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
4773: principal industries of the Orient.
4774: %%
4775: "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
4776: watch him have another."
4777: %%
4778: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
4779: dead that scares the shit out of me.
4780: -- R. Geis
4781: %%
4782: History has the relation to truth that theology has to
4783: religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
4784: -- Lazarus Long
4785: %%
4786: ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
4787: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
4788: bridge.
4789: -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
4790: %%
4791: Them Toad Suckers
4792:
4793: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
4794: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
4795:
4796: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
4797: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
4798:
4799: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
4800: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
4801:
4802: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
4803: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
4804:
4805: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
4806: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
4807:
4808: -- Mason Williams
4809: %%
4810: There was an old pirate named Bates
4811: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
4812: He fell on his cutlass
4813: Which rendered him nutless
4814: And practically useless on dates.
4815: %%
4816: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
4817: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
4818: But the banister broke
4819: So he doubled his stroke
4820: And finished her off in mid-air.
4821: %%
4822: A pretty young lady named Vogel
4823: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
4824: A curious mole
4825: Nosed into her hole --
4826: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
4827: %%
4828: A mathematician named Hall
4829: Has a hexahedronical ball,
4830: And the cube of its weight
4831: Times his pecker's, plus eight
4832: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
4833: %%
4834: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
4835: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
4836: Let _V be virginity
4837: Approaching infinity;
4838: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
4839:
4840: "Let _V over _P be inverted
4841: With the square root of _M_u inserted
4842: _N times into _V ...
4843: The result, Q.E.D.,
4844: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
4845: %%
4846: A team playing baseball in Dallas
4847: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
4848: While this worthy had fits
4849: The team made eight hits
4850: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
4851: %%
4852: A bather whose clothing was strewed
4853: By breezes that left her quite nude,
4854: Saw a man come along
4855: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
4856: You expected this line to be lewd.
4857: %%
4858: There was a young lad name of Durcan
4859: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
4860: His father said, "Durcan!
4861: Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
4862: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
4863: %%
4864: There was a young girl named Sapphire
4865: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
4866: She said, "It's a sin,
4867: But now that it's in,
4868: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
4869: %%
4870: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
4871: I am not I, I'm a tree."
4872: But another, more sane,
4873: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
4874: And covered his pants leg with pee.
4875: %%
4876: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
4877: without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
4878: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
4879: and it stinks."
4880:
4881: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
4882: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
4883: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
4884: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
4885: before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
4886: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
4887: and none may abide by its strength."
4888:
4889: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
4890: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
4891: it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
4892: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
4893: growth of the Laboratories."
4894:
4895: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
4896: it was Good!
4897: %%
4898: There once was a hacker named Ken
4899: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
4900: So he built him some chicks
4901: Of silicon chips
4902: And hasn't been heard from since then.
4903: %%
4904: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
4905: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
4906: Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
4907: I think someone's coming!"
4908: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
4909: %%
4910: There once was a freshman named Lin,
4911: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
4912: A virgin named Joan
4913: From a bible belt home,
4914: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
4915: %%
4916: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
4917: licentious, dirty bum!!
4918: %%
4919: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
4920: can't happen."
4921: -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
4922: %%
4923: There once was a couple named Kelley,
4924: Who lived their life belly to belly.
4925: Because in their haste
4926: They used Library Paste,
4927: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
4928: %%
4929: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
4930:
4931: Oh, give me a clone
4932: Of my own flesh and bone
4933: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4934: And when she is grown,
4935: My very own clone,
4936: We'll be of the opposite sex.
4937:
4938: Chorus:
4939: Clone, clone of my own,
4940: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
4941: And when we're alone,
4942: Since her mind is my own,
4943: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
4944:
4945: -- Randall Garrett
4946: %%
4947: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
4948: fruits and nuts is flakes.
4949: %%
4950: There once was a young man named Gene
4951: Who invented a screwing machine
4952: Concave and convex
4953: It served either sex
4954: And it played with itself in between.
4955: %%
4956: Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
4957: Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
4958: %%
4959: Sex is like a bridge game --
4960: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
4961: %%
4962: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
4963: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
4964: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
4965: %%
4966: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
4967: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
4968: qualified for!
4969: -- Michael Cain
4970: %%
4971: "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4972: didn't believe in God."
4973: "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4974: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4975: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
4976: -- Joseph Heller
4977: %%
4978: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
4979: learned to walk.
4980: -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
4981: %%
4982: Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
4983: -- Leo C. Rosten
4984: %%
4985: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
4986: the first time.
4987: -- Alfred E. Wiggam
4988: %%
4989: A pretty young maiden from France
4990: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
4991: She let herself go
4992: For an hour or so
4993: And now all her sisters are aunts.
4994: %%
4995: John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
4996: -- Edward P. Morgan
4997: %%
4998: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
4999: all will end as doves.
5000: %%
5001: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
5002: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
5003: scruples and the police."
5004: -- Mr. Dooley
5005: %%
5006: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
5007: forgets?
5008: %%
5009: Grain grows best in shit
5010: -- U. K. LeGuin
5011: %%
5012: All things dull and ugly,
5013: All creatures short and squat,
5014: All things rude and nasty,
5015: The Lord God made the lot;
5016: Each little snake that poisons,
5017: Each little wasp that stings,
5018: He made their brutish venom,
5019: He made their horrid wings.
5020: All things sick and cancerous,
5021: All evil great and small,
5022: All things foul and dangerous,
5023: The Lord God made them all.
5024: Each nasty little hornet,
5025: Each beastly little squid.
5026: Who made the spikey urchin?
5027: Who made the sharks? He did.
5028: All things scabbed and ulcerous,
5029: All pox both great and small.
5030: Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
5031: The Lord God made them all.
5032:
5033: -- Monty Python
5034: %%
5035: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
5036: Who was very rarely stable.
5037: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
5038: Who could think you under the table.
5039: David Hume could out-consume
5040: Schopenhauer and Hegel,
5041: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
5042: Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
5043: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
5044: 'Bout the raising of the wrist.
5045: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
5046:
5047: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
5048: On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
5049: Plato, they say, could stick it away
5050: Half a crate of whiskey every day.
5051: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
5052: Hobbes was fond of his dram,
5053: And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
5054: "I drink, therefore I am"
5055: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
5056: A lovely little thinker
5057: But a bugger when he's pissed!
5058:
5059: -- Monty Python
5060: %%
5061: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
5062: %%
5063: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
5064: place to shift.
5065: %%
5066: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
5067: %%
5068: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
5069: %%
5070: Hackers do it with bugs.
5071: %%
5072: AI hackers do it with robots.
5073: %%
5074: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
5075: %%
5076: Mathematicians do it in theory.
5077: %%
5078: Statisticians probably do it.
5079: %%
5080: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
5081: %%
5082: Physicists do it with charm
5083: %%
5084: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
5085: %%
5086: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
5087: %%
5088: Politicians do it to everyone.
5089: %%
5090: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
5091: %%
5092: Communists do it without class.
5093: %%
5094: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
5095: %%
5096: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
5097: %%
5098: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
5099: %%
5100: There was a young lady named Hall,
5101: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
5102: The dress caught on fire
5103: And burned her entire
5104: Front page, sporting section, and all.
5105: %%
5106: Missionary position: The missionary on top.
5107: %%
5108: O'Riordan's Theorem:
5109: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
5110:
5111: Purmal's Corollary:
5112: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
5113: availability goes to zero.
5114: %%
5115: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
5116: "di-dah" for the filthy words.
5117: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
5118: Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
5119: di-dah di-dah di-dah?
5120: Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
5121: Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
5122: %%
5123: There was a young whore from kaloo
5124: Who filled her vagina with glue.
5125: She said with a grin,
5126: "If they pay to get in,
5127: They can pay to get out again too!"
5128: %%
5129: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
5130: still come out ahead.
5131: %%
5132: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
5133: fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
5134: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
5135: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
5136: earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
5137: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
5138: warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
5139: began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
5140: chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
5141: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
5142:
5143: There are three morals to this story:
5144:
5145: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
5146:
5147: 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
5148: friend.
5149:
5150: 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
5151: shut.
5152: %%
5153: The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's
5154: chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California
5155: fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington?
5156: %%
5157: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
5158: Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
5159: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
5160: Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
5161: %%
5162: "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
5163: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
5164: gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
5165: lucky to escape with our skins!"
5166: %%
5167: Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5168: A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
5169: %%
5170: ...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
5171: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
5172: %%
5173: One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout
5174: were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
5175: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
5176: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
5177: passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
5178: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
5179: be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
5180: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
5181: democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
5182: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
5183: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
5184: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
5185: productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
5186: hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
5187: there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
5188: %%
5189: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
5190:
5191: ...Seats 500.
5192: %%
5193: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
5194: backyard?
5195:
5196: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing...
5197: %%
5198: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
5199: %%
5200: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
5201: once was...an arctic wilderness
5202: -- Steve Martin
5203: %%
5204: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
5205: is having fun.
5206: %%
5207: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
5208: This visage meek and humble,
5209: And hear this confidential plea
5210: Voiced in reverent mumble:
5211: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
5212: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
5213:
5214: -- Ansel Adams
5215: %%
5216: The Split-Atom Blues
5217:
5218: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
5219: Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
5220: But if you split those atoms fine,
5221: Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
5222:
5223: Gimme zits, take my dough,
5224: Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
5225: Call the devil and sell my soul,
5226: But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
5227:
5228: -- Milo Bloom
5229: %%
5230: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
5231: "My favorite sport is coitus."
5232: But a fullback from State
5233: Made her period late,
5234: And now she has athlete's fetus
5235: %%
5236: There was an old man of the port
5237: Whose prick was remarkably short.
5238: When he got into bed,
5239: The old woman said,
5240: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
5241: %%
5242: A worried young man from Stamboul
5243: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
5244: Said the doctor, a cynic,
5245: "Get out of my clinic;
5246: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
5247: %%
5248: He hated to mend, so young Ned
5249: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
5250: Her husband said, "Vi,
5251: When you stitched up his torn fly,
5252: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
5253: %%
5254: There was a young man named Crockett
5255: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
5256: His wife was a bitch,
5257: And she threw the switch,
5258: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
5259: %%
5260: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
5261: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
5262: "Try as hard as I can,
5263: I can't find a man
5264: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
5265: %%
5266: A wanton young lady from Wimley
5267: Reproached for not acting quite primly
5268: Said, "Heavens above!
5269: I know sex isn't love,
5270: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
5271: %%
5272: I once met a lassie named Ruth
5273: In a long distance telephone booth.
5274: Now I know the perfection
5275: Of an ideal connection
5276: Even if somewhat uncouth.
5277: %%
5278: There was a young lady from Maine
5279: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
5280: But you knew from the view,
5281: As her abdomen grew,
5282: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
5283: %%
5284: A remarkable race are the Persians;
5285: They have such peculiar diversions.
5286: They make love the whole day
5287: In the usual way
5288: And save up the nights for perversions.
5289: %%
5290: A widow who fancied a man some
5291: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
5292: When she clamored for more
5293: Her young man became sore
5294: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
5295: %%
5296: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
5297: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
5298: It was not the size
5299: That cause such surprise;
5300: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
5301: %%
5302: The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
5303:
5304: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
5305: I simply can't fuck any more;
5306: I'm covered with sweat,
5307: And you haven't come yet,
5308: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
5309: %%
5310: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
5311: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
5312: commerce.
5313: -- J. Edgar Hoover
5314: %%
5315: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
5316: called a liberal.
5317: %%
5318: Nothing is better than Sex.
5319: Masturbation is better than nothing.
5320: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
5321: %%
5322: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
5323: %%
5324: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
5325: %%
5326: Once a young gay from Khartoum,
5327: Took a lesbian up to his room.
5328: They argued all nite,
5329: Over who had the right,
5330: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
5331: %%
5332: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
5333: hands.
5334: %%
5335: Beckhap's Law:
5336: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
5337: %%
5338: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
5339: -- Robert Burton
5340: %%
5341: I have a funny daddy
5342: Who goes in and out with me
5343: And everything that baby does
5344: Daddy's sure to see,
5345: And everthing that baby says,
5346: My daddy's sure to tell.
5347: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
5348: I hope he fries in Hell.
5349: -- Ogden Nash
5350: %%
5351: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
5352: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
5353: %%
5354: An Army travels on her stomach.
5355: %%
5356: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
5357: buzz-saw."
5358: -- W. C. Fields
5359: %%
5360: The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable
5361: from the food it produces.
5362: %%
5363: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
5364: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
5365: %%
5366: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
5367: Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
5368: %%
5369: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
5370: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
5371: %%
5372: You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
5373: be dead.
5374: %%
5375: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
5376: %%
5377: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
5378: %%
5379: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
5380: schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
5381: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
5382: A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
5383: over again until we get it right."
5384: An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
5385: nose, and breath normally."
5386: %%
5387: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
5388: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
5389: %%
5390: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
5391: -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
5392: the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
5393: %%
5394: Kill a commie for Christ!
5395: %%
5396: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
5397: A: A fur coat.
5398: %%
5399: This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
5400: %%
5401: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
5402: with his head stuck up his ass.
5403: %%
5404: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
5405: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
5406: a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
5407: promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
5408: our "Big John" doll.)
5409: %%
5410: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
5411: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
5412: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
5413: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
5414: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
5415: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
5416: -- R.E. Masters
5417: %%
5418: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
5419: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
5420: -- Frank Zappa
5421: %%
5422: A hard man is good to find.
5423: %%
5424: Vidi, vici, veni.
5425: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
5426: %%
5427: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
5428: A: Two hours of begging.
5429: %%
5430: Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
5431: apology for farting at a friend.
5432: -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
5433: Preposterous Words
5434: %%
5435: Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?
5436: A. They're both stuck up cunts.
5437: %%
5438: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
5439: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
5440: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
5441: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
5442: facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
5443: historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
5444: ankles in bullshit.
5445: -- Tom Robbins
5446: %%
5447: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
5448: -- Bo Diddley
5449: %%
5450: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
5451: -- Humphrey Bogart
5452: %%
5453: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
5454: later you wish you'd never come.
5455: %%
5456: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
5457: %%
5458: "A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her
5459: drawers."
5460: --- Blind Lemon Pledge
5461: %%
5462: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
5463: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
5464: stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
5465: %%
5466: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
5467: pick your friend's nose.
5468: %%
5469: Which of the following doesn't belong?
5470: (a) meat
5471: (b) eggs
5472: (c) wife
5473: (d) blowjob.
5474: Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
5475: eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
5476: %%
5477: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
5478: hand."
5479: -- James Watt
5480: %%
5481: Definition: Virgin -- an ugly third grader.
5482: %%
5483: What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
5484: %%
5485: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
5486: -- David Mairowitz
5487: %%
5488: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
5489: get back inside.
5490: -- Heathcote Williams
5491: %%
5492: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
5493: %%
5494: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
5495: hard you get fucked.
5496: %%
5497: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
5498: horses?
5499: -- G. Gordon Liddy
5500: %%
5501: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
5502: should join
5503:
5504: THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
5505:
5506: An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the
5507: Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up
5508: to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way
5509: of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of
5510: the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as
5511: correct Church dogma:
5512:
5513: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
5514: UFOs come.
5515: -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
5516: -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
5517: -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
5518: the circle.
5519: -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
5520: -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
5521:
5522: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
5523: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
5524: done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
5525: of a forthcoming Papal Bull.
5526:
5527: To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,
5528: CCB, San Diego, CA.
5529: %%
5530: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
5531: -- John Valby
5532: %%
5533: %%
5534: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
5535: everyone but her.
5536:
5537: Rich.
5538: %%
5539: Overheard in a bar:
5540: Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
5541: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
5542: %%
5543: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
5544: name."
5545: -- Gore Vidal
5546: %%
5547: "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
5548: opposite."
5549: -- J. K. Galbraith
5550: %%
5551: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
5552: actual emergency, you would have known it!
5553: %%
5554: Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
5555: problem with this difinition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? I_
5556: know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much.
5557: %%
5558: There once was a lady from Exeter,
5559: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
5560: One was even so brave
5561: As to take out and wave
5562: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
5563: %%
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