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Annotation of 42BSD/games/fortune/obscene, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
        !             2: look at the other guy's.
        !             3:                -- Hal Hickman
        !             4: %%
        !             5: The United States Army;
        !             6: 194 years of proud service,
        !             7: unhampered by progress.
        !             8: %%
        !             9: Do something big -- fuck a giant
        !            10: %%
        !            11: Draft beer, not people
        !            12: %%
        !            13: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
        !            14: %%
        !            15: God is an atheist.
        !            16: %%
        !            17: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
        !            18: %%
        !            19: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
        !            20: Massaging the bust of his madam,
        !            21:        He chuckled with mirth,
        !            22:        For he knew that on earth,
        !            23: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
        !            24: %%
        !            25: Chaste makes waste.
        !            26: %%
        !            27: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
        !            28: %%
        !            29: Coito ergo sum
        !            30: %%
        !            31: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
        !            32: %%
        !            33: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
        !            34: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
        !            35: %%
        !            36: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
        !            37: %%
        !            38: I came; I saw; I fucked up
        !            39: %%
        !            40: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
        !            41: %%
        !            42: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
        !            43: %%
        !            44: Getting an education at the University of California is like
        !            45: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
        !            46: %%
        !            47: Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
        !            48: inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
        !            49: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
        !            50: inconsistent with a life of sin.
        !            51: %%
        !            52: Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
        !            53: man -- who has no gills.
        !            54: %%
        !            55: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
        !            56: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
        !            57: the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
        !            58: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
        !            59: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
        !            60: the country was hopelessly trapped.
        !            61:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !            62: %%
        !            63:        "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
        !            64: matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
        !            65: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
        !            66: merriment.
        !            67:        "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
        !            68: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
        !            69: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
        !            70: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
        !            71: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
        !            72: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
        !            73:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !            74: %%
        !            75: Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
        !            76: It is largely inhabited by Christians,  powerful sub-tribe of the
        !            77: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
        !            78: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
        !            79: principal industries of the Orient.
        !            80: %%
        !            81: "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
        !            82: watch him have another."
        !            83: %%
        !            84:        I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
        !            85: dead that scares the shit out of me.
        !            86:                -- R. Geis
        !            87: %%
        !            88:        History has the relation to truth that theology has to
        !            89: religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
        !            90:                -- Lazarus Long
        !            91: %%
        !            92: ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
        !            93: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
        !            94: bridge.
        !            95:                -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
        !            96: %%
        !            97:        Them Toad Suckers
        !            98: 
        !            99: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
        !           100: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
        !           101: 
        !           102: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
        !           103: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
        !           104: 
        !           105: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
        !           106: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
        !           107: 
        !           108: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
        !           109: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
        !           110: 
        !           111: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
        !           112: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
        !           113: 
        !           114:                -- Mason Williams
        !           115: %%
        !           116: There was an old pirate named Bates
        !           117: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
        !           118:        He fell on his cutlass
        !           119:        Which rendered him nutless
        !           120: And practically useless on dates.
        !           121: %%
        !           122: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
        !           123: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
        !           124:        But the banister broke
        !           125:        So he doubled his stroke
        !           126: And finished her off in mid-air.
        !           127: %%
        !           128: A pretty young lady named Vogel
        !           129: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        !           130:        A curious mole
        !           131:        Nosed into her hole --
        !           132: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
        !           133: %%
        !           134: A mathematician named Hall
        !           135: Has a hexahedronical ball,
        !           136:        And the cube of its weight
        !           137:        Times his pecker's, plus eight
        !           138: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
        !           139: %%
        !           140: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
        !           141: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
        !           142:        Let _V be virginity
        !           143:        Approaching infinity;
        !           144: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
        !           145: 
        !           146: "Let _V over _P be inverted
        !           147: With the square root of _M_u inserted
        !           148:        _N times into _V ...
        !           149:        The result, Q.E.D.,
        !           150: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
        !           151: %%
        !           152: A team playing baseball in Dallas
        !           153: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
        !           154:        While this worthy had fits
        !           155:        The team made eight hits
        !           156: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
        !           157: %%
        !           158: A bather whose clothing was strewed
        !           159: By breezes that left her quite nude,
        !           160:        Saw a man come along
        !           161:        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
        !           162: You expected this line to be lewd.
        !           163: %%
        !           164: There was a young lad name of Durcan
        !           165: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        !           166:        His father said, "Durcan!
        !           167:        Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
        !           168: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
        !           169: %%
        !           170: There was a young girl named Sapphire
        !           171: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        !           172:        She said, "It's a sin,
        !           173:        But now that it's in,
        !           174: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
        !           175: %%
        !           176: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
        !           177: I am not I, I'm a tree."
        !           178:        But another, more sane,
        !           179:        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
        !           180: And covered his pants leg with pee.
        !           181: %%
        !           182:        In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
        !           183: without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
        !           184: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
        !           185: and it stinks."
        !           186: 
        !           187:        And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
        !           188: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
        !           189: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
        !           190: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
        !           191: before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
        !           192: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
        !           193: and none may abide by its strength."
        !           194: 
        !           195:        And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
        !           196: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
        !           197: it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
        !           198: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
        !           199: growth of the Laboratories."
        !           200: 
        !           201:        And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
        !           202: it was Good!
        !           203: %%
        !           204: There once was a hacker named Ken
        !           205: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
        !           206:        So he built him some chicks
        !           207:        Of silicon chips
        !           208: And hasn't been heard from since then.
        !           209: %%
        !           210: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
        !           211: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        !           212:        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        !           213:        I think someone's coming!"
        !           214: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
        !           215: %%
        !           216: There once was a freshman named Lin,
        !           217: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
        !           218:        A virgin named Joan
        !           219:        From a bible belt home,
        !           220: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
        !           221: %%
        !           222: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
        !           223: licentious, dirty bum!!
        !           224: %%
        !           225: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
        !           226: can't happen."
        !           227:                -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
        !           228: %%
        !           229: There once was a couple named Kelley,
        !           230: Who lived their life belly to belly.
        !           231:        Because in their haste
        !           232:        They used Library Paste,
        !           233: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
        !           234: %%
        !           235: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
        !           236: 
        !           237: Oh, give me a clone
        !           238: Of my own flesh and bone
        !           239:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           240: And when she is grown,
        !           241: My very own clone,
        !           242:        We'll be of the opposite sex.
        !           243: 
        !           244: Chorus:
        !           245:        Clone, clone of my own,
        !           246:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           247:        And when we're alone,
        !           248:        Since her mind is my own,
        !           249:        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        !           250: 
        !           251:                -- Randall Garrett
        !           252: %%
        !           253: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
        !           254: fruits and nuts is flakes.
        !           255: %%
        !           256: There once was a young man named Gene
        !           257: Who invented a screwing machine
        !           258:        Concave and convex
        !           259:        It served either sex
        !           260: And it played with itself in between.
        !           261: %%
        !           262: Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
        !           263: Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
        !           264: %%
        !           265: Sex is like a bridge game --
        !           266: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
        !           267: %%
        !           268: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
        !           269: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
        !           270: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
        !           271: %%
        !           272: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
        !           273: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
        !           274: qualified for!
        !           275:                -- Michael Cain
        !           276: %%
        !           277:        "What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
        !           278: didn't believe in God."
        !           279:        "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
        !           280: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
        !           281: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
        !           282:                -- Joseph Heller
        !           283: %%
        !           284: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
        !           285: learned to walk.
        !           286:                -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
        !           287: %%
        !           288: Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
        !           289:                -- Leo C. Rosten
        !           290: %%
        !           291: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
        !           292: the first time.
        !           293:                -- Alfred E. Wiggam
        !           294: %%
        !           295: A pretty young maiden from France
        !           296: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        !           297:        She let herself go
        !           298:        For an hour or so
        !           299: And now all her sisters are aunts.
        !           300: %%
        !           301: John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
        !           302:                -- Edward P. Morgan
        !           303: %%
        !           304: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
        !           305: all will end as doves.
        !           306: %%
        !           307: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
        !           308: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
        !           309: scruples and the police."
        !           310:                -- Mr. Dooley
        !           311: %%
        !           312: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
        !           313: forgets?
        !           314: %%
        !           315: Grain grows best in shit
        !           316:                -- U. K. LeGuin
        !           317: %%
        !           318: All things dull and ugly,
        !           319:        All creatures short and squat,
        !           320:        All things rude and nasty,
        !           321:        The Lord God made the lot;
        !           322: Each little snake that poisons,
        !           323:        Each little wasp that stings,
        !           324:        He made their brutish venom,
        !           325:        He made their horrid wings.
        !           326: All things sick and cancerous,
        !           327:        All evil great and small,
        !           328:        All things foul and dangerous,
        !           329:        The Lord God made them all.
        !           330: Each nasty little hornet,
        !           331:        Each beastly little squid.
        !           332:        Who made the spikey urchin?
        !           333:        Who made the sharks?  He did.
        !           334: All things scabbed and ulcerous,
        !           335:        All pox both great and small.
        !           336:        Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
        !           337:        The Lord God made them all.
        !           338: 
        !           339:                -- Monty Python
        !           340: %%
        !           341: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
        !           342:     Who was very rarely stable.
        !           343: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
        !           344:     Who could think you under the table.
        !           345: David Hume could out-consume
        !           346:     Schopenhauer and Hegel,
        !           347: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
        !           348:     Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
        !           349: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
        !           350:     'Bout the raising of the wrist.
        !           351: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
        !           352: 
        !           353: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
        !           354:     On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
        !           355: Plato, they say, could stick it away
        !           356:     Half a crate of whiskey every day.
        !           357: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
        !           358:     Hobbes was fond of his dram,
        !           359: And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
        !           360:     "I drink, therefore I am"
        !           361: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
        !           362:     A lovely little thinker 
        !           363: But a bugger when he's pissed!
        !           364: 
        !           365:                -- Monty Python
        !           366: %%
        !           367: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
        !           368: %%
        !           369: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
        !           370: place to shift.
        !           371: %%
        !           372: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
        !           373: %%
        !           374: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
        !           375: %%
        !           376: Hackers do it with bugs.
        !           377: %%
        !           378: AI hackers do it with robots.
        !           379: %%
        !           380: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
        !           381: %%
        !           382: Mathematicians do it in theory.
        !           383: %%
        !           384: Statisticians probably do it.
        !           385: %%
        !           386: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
        !           387: %%
        !           388: Physicists do it with charm
        !           389: %%
        !           390: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
        !           391: %%
        !           392: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
        !           393: %%
        !           394: Politicians do it to everyone.
        !           395: %%
        !           396: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
        !           397: %%
        !           398: Communists do it without class.
        !           399: %%
        !           400: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
        !           401: %%
        !           402: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
        !           403: %%
        !           404: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
        !           405: %%
        !           406: There was a young lady named Hall,
        !           407: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
        !           408:        The dress caught on fire
        !           409:        And burned her entire
        !           410: Front page, sporting section, and all.
        !           411: %%
        !           412: Missionary position: The missionary on top.
        !           413: %%
        !           414: O'Riordan's Theorem:
        !           415:        Brains x Beauty = Constant.
        !           416: 
        !           417: Purmal's Corollary:
        !           418:        As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
        !           419:        availability goes to zero.
        !           420: %%
        !           421: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
        !           422: "di-dah" for the filthy words.
        !           423:        Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
        !           424:        Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
        !           425:                di-dah di-dah di-dah?
        !           426:                Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
        !           427:        Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
        !           428: %%
        !           429: There was a young whore from kaloo
        !           430: Who filled her vagina with glue.
        !           431:        She said with a grin,
        !           432:        "If they pay to get in,
        !           433: They can pay to get out again too!"
        !           434: %%
        !           435: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
        !           436: still come out ahead.
        !           437: %%
        !           438: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
        !           439: fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
        !           440: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
        !           441: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
        !           442: earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
        !           443: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
        !           444: warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
        !           445: began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
        !           446: chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
        !           447: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
        !           448: 
        !           449: There are three morals to this story:
        !           450: 
        !           451: 1)      Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
        !           452: 
        !           453: 2)      Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
        !           454:        friend.
        !           455: 
        !           456: 3)      If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
        !           457:        shut.
        !           458: %%
        !           459:        The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's
        !           460: chances to become a Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California
        !           461: fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington?
        !           462: %%
        !           463: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
        !           464: Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
        !           465: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
        !           466: Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
        !           467: %%
        !           468: "How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
        !           469: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
        !           470: gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
        !           471: lucky to escape with our skins!"
        !           472: %%
        !           473: Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !           474: A: NONE!  Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
        !           475: %%
        !           476: ...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
        !           477: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
        !           478: %%
        !           479: One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout
        !           480: were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
        !           481: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
        !           482: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
        !           483: passengers!  Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
        !           484: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
        !           485: be spared."  And he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
        !           486: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
        !           487: democracy."  And with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
        !           488: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
        !           489: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
        !           490: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
        !           491: productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
        !           492: hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
        !           493: there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
        !           494: %%
        !           495: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
        !           496: 
        !           497:                ...Seats 500.
        !           498: %%
        !           499: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
        !           500: backyard?
        !           501: 
        !           502: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing...
        !           503: %%
        !           504: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
        !           505: %%
        !           506: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
        !           507: once was...an arctic wilderness
        !           508:                -- Steve Martin
        !           509: %%
        !           510: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
        !           511: is having fun.
        !           512: %%
        !           513: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
        !           514: This visage meek and humble,
        !           515: And hear this confidential plea
        !           516: Voiced in reverent mumble:
        !           517:        Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
        !           518:        But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
        !           519: 
        !           520:                -- Ansel Adams
        !           521: %%
        !           522:         The Split-Atom Blues
        !           523: 
        !           524: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
        !           525:     Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
        !           526: But if you split those atoms fine,
        !           527:     Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
        !           528: 
        !           529: Gimme zits, take my dough,
        !           530:     Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
        !           531: Call the devil and sell my soul,
        !           532:     But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
        !           533: 
        !           534:                -- Milo Bloom
        !           535: %%
        !           536: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
        !           537: "My favorite sport is coitus."
        !           538:        But a fullback from State
        !           539:        Made her period late,
        !           540: And now she has athlete's fetus
        !           541: %%
        !           542: There was an old man of the port
        !           543: Whose prick was remarkably short.
        !           544:        When he got into bed,
        !           545:        The old woman said,
        !           546: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
        !           547: %%
        !           548: A worried young man from Stamboul
        !           549: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
        !           550:        Said the doctor, a cynic,
        !           551:        "Get out of my clinic;
        !           552: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
        !           553: %%
        !           554: He hated to mend, so young Ned
        !           555: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
        !           556:        Her husband said, "Vi,
        !           557:        When you stitched up his torn fly,
        !           558: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
        !           559: %%
        !           560: There was a young man named Crockett
        !           561: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
        !           562:        His wife was a bitch,
        !           563:        And she threw the switch,
        !           564: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
        !           565: %%
        !           566: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
        !           567: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
        !           568:        "Try as hard as I can,
        !           569:        I can't find a man
        !           570: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
        !           571: %%
        !           572: A wanton young lady from Wimley
        !           573: Reproached for not acting quite primly
        !           574:        Said, "Heavens above!
        !           575:        I know sex isn't love,
        !           576: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
        !           577: %%
        !           578: I once met a lassie named Ruth
        !           579: In a long distance telephone booth.
        !           580:        Now I know the perfection
        !           581:        Of an ideal connection
        !           582: Even if somewhat uncouth.
        !           583: %%
        !           584: There was a young lady from Maine
        !           585: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
        !           586:        But you knew from the view,
        !           587:        As her abdomen grew,
        !           588: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
        !           589: %%
        !           590: A remarkable race are the Persians;
        !           591: They have such peculiar diversions.
        !           592:        They make love the whole day
        !           593:        In the usual way
        !           594: And save up the nights for perversions.
        !           595: %%
        !           596: A widow who fancied a man some
        !           597: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
        !           598:        When she clamored for more
        !           599:        Her young man became sore
        !           600: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
        !           601: %%
        !           602: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
        !           603: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
        !           604:        It was not the size
        !           605:        That cause such surprise;
        !           606: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
        !           607: %%
        !           608:        The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
        !           609: 
        !           610: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
        !           611: I simply can't fuck any more;
        !           612:        I'm covered with sweat,
        !           613:        And you haven't come yet,
        !           614: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
        !           615: %%
        !           616: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
        !           617: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
        !           618: commerce.
        !           619:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !           620: %%
        !           621: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
        !           622: called a liberal.
        !           623: %%
        !           624: Nothing is better than Sex.
        !           625: Masturbation is better than nothing.
        !           626: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
        !           627: %%
        !           628: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
        !           629: %%
        !           630: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
        !           631: %%
        !           632: Once a young gay from Khartoum,
        !           633: Took a lesbian up to his room.
        !           634:        They argued all nite,
        !           635:        Over who had the right,
        !           636: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
        !           637: %%
        !           638: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
        !           639: hands.
        !           640: %%
        !           641: Beckhap's Law:
        !           642:        Beauty times brains equals a constant.
        !           643: %%
        !           644: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
        !           645:                -- Robert Burton
        !           646: %%
        !           647: I have a funny daddy
        !           648: Who goes in and out with me
        !           649: And everything that baby does
        !           650: Daddy's sure to see,
        !           651: And everthing that baby says,
        !           652: My daddy's sure to tell.
        !           653: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
        !           654: I hope he fries in Hell.
        !           655:                -- Ogden Nash
        !           656: %%
        !           657: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
        !           658: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
        !           659: %%
        !           660: An Army travels on her stomach.
        !           661: %%
        !           662: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
        !           663: buzz-saw."
        !           664:                -- W. C. Fields
        !           665: %%
        !           666: The computer is the ultimate polluter:  Its shit is indistinguishable
        !           667: from the food it produces.
        !           668: %%
        !           669: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !           670:    Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
        !           671: %%
        !           672: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !           673:    Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
        !           674: %%
        !           675: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !           676:    Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
        !           677: %%
        !           678: You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
        !           679: be dead.
        !           680: %%
        !           681: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
        !           682: %%
        !           683: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
        !           684: %%
        !           685: Q:      How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
        !           686:        schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
        !           687: A:     A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
        !           688:        A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
        !           689:                over again until we get it right."
        !           690:        An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
        !           691:                nose, and breath normally."
        !           692: %%
        !           693: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
        !           694: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
        !           695: %%
        !           696: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
        !           697:                -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
        !           698:                   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
        !           699: %%
        !           700: Kill a commie for Christ!
        !           701: %%
        !           702: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
        !           703: A: A fur coat.
        !           704: %%
        !           705: This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
        !           706: %%
        !           707: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
        !           708: with his head stuck up his ass.
        !           709: %%
        !           710: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
        !           711:        "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
        !           712: a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
        !           713: promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
        !           714: our "Big John" doll.)
        !           715: %%
        !           716: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
        !           717: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
        !           718: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
        !           719: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
        !           720: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
        !           721: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
        !           722:                -- R.E. Masters
        !           723: %%
        !           724: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
        !           725: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
        !           726:                -- Frank Zappa
        !           727: %%
        !           728: A hard man is good to find.
        !           729: %%
        !           730: Vidi, vici, veni.
        !           731: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
        !           732: %%
        !           733: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
        !           734: A: Two hours of begging.
        !           735: %%
        !           736: Randel -- n.  A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
        !           737: apology for farting at a friend.
        !           738:                -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
        !           739:                   Preposterous Words
        !           740: %%
        !           741: Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?
        !           742: A. They're both stuck up cunts.
        !           743: %%
        !           744: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
        !           745: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
        !           746: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
        !           747: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
        !           748: facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
        !           749: historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
        !           750: ankles in bullshit.
        !           751:                -- Tom Robbins
        !           752: %%
        !           753: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
        !           754:                -- Bo Diddley
        !           755: %%
        !           756: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
        !           757:                -- Humphrey Bogart
        !           758: %%
        !           759: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
        !           760: later you wish you'd never come.
        !           761: %%
        !           762: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
        !           763: %%
        !           764: "A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her
        !           765: drawers."
        !           766:                --- Blind Lemon Pledge
        !           767: %%
        !           768: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
        !           769:        Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:  it
        !           770:        stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
        !           771: %%
        !           772: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
        !           773: pick your friend's nose.
        !           774: %%
        !           775: Which of the following doesn't belong?
        !           776:        (a) meat
        !           777:        (b) eggs
        !           778:        (c) wife
        !           779:        (d) blowjob.
        !           780: Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
        !           781: eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
        !           782: %%
        !           783: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
        !           784: hand."
        !           785:               -- James Watt
        !           786: %%
        !           787: Definition:  Virgin -- an ugly third grader.
        !           788: %%
        !           789: What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
        !           790: %%
        !           791: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
        !           792:             -- David Mairowitz
        !           793: %%
        !           794: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
        !           795: get back inside.
        !           796:             --  Heathcote Williams
        !           797: %%
        !           798: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
        !           799: %%
        !           800: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
        !           801: hard you get fucked.
        !           802: %%
        !           803: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
        !           804: horses?
        !           805:                -- G. Gordon Liddy
        !           806: %%
        !           807: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
        !           808: should join
        !           809: 
        !           810:                THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
        !           811: 
        !           812: An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the
        !           813: Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up
        !           814: to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way
        !           815: of their beliefs.  In addition to creation science and the flatness of
        !           816: the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as
        !           817: correct Church dogma:
        !           818: 
        !           819:     --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
        !           820:        UFOs come.
        !           821:     -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
        !           822:     -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
        !           823:     --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
        !           824:        the circle.
        !           825:     -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
        !           826:     -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
        !           827: 
        !           828: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
        !           829: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
        !           830: done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
        !           831: of a forthcoming Papal Bull.
        !           832: 
        !           833: To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,
        !           834: CCB, San Diego, CA.
        !           835: %%
        !           836: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
        !           837:                -- John Valby
        !           838: %%
        !           839: %%
        !           840: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
        !           841: everyone but her.
        !           842: 
        !           843: Rich.
        !           844: %%
        !           845: Overheard in a bar:
        !           846: Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
        !           847: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
        !           848: %%
        !           849: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
        !           850: name."
        !           851:                -- Gore Vidal
        !           852: %%
        !           853: "Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
        !           854: opposite."
        !           855:                -- J. K. Galbraith
        !           856: %%
        !           857: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
        !           858: actual emergency, you would have known it!
        !           859: %%
        !           860: Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
        !           861: problem with this difinition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?  I_
        !           862: know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you much.
        !           863: %%
        !           864: There once was a lady from Exeter,
        !           865: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
        !           866:        One was even so brave
        !           867:        As to take out and wave
        !           868: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

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