![[BACK]](/cvsweb/icons/back.gif){kind=icon}
Return to obscene CVS log ![[TXT]](/cvsweb/icons/text.gif){kind=icon}
![[DIR]](/cvsweb/icons/dir.gif){kind=icon}
Up to [CSRG BSD Unix] / 42BSD / games / fortune|
Return to obscene CVS log | Up to [CSRG BSD Unix] / 42BSD / games / fortune |
1.1 root 1: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
2: look at the other guy's.
3: -- Hal Hickman
4: %%
5: The United States Army;
6: 194 years of proud service,
7: unhampered by progress.
8: %%
9: Do something big -- fuck a giant
10: %%
11: Draft beer, not people
12: %%
13: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
14: %%
15: God is an atheist.
16: %%
17: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
18: %%
19: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
20: Massaging the bust of his madam,
21: He chuckled with mirth,
22: For he knew that on earth,
23: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
24: %%
25: Chaste makes waste.
26: %%
27: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
28: %%
29: Coito ergo sum
30: %%
31: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
32: %%
33: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
34: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
35: %%
36: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
37: %%
38: I came; I saw; I fucked up
39: %%
40: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
41: %%
42: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
43: %%
44: Getting an education at the University of California is like
45: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
46: %%
47: Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
48: inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
49: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
50: inconsistent with a life of sin.
51: %%
52: Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
53: man -- who has no gills.
54: %%
55: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
56: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
57: the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
58: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
59: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
60: the country was hopelessly trapped.
61: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
62: %%
63: "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
64: matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
65: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
66: merriment.
67: "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
68: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
69: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
70: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
71: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
72: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
73: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
74: %%
75: Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
76: It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
77: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
78: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
79: principal industries of the Orient.
80: %%
81: "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
82: watch him have another."
83: %%
84: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
85: dead that scares the shit out of me.
86: -- R. Geis
87: %%
88: History has the relation to truth that theology has to
89: religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
90: -- Lazarus Long
91: %%
92: ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
93: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
94: bridge.
95: -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
96: %%
97: Them Toad Suckers
98:
99: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
100: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
101:
102: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
103: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
104:
105: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
106: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
107:
108: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
109: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
110:
111: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
112: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
113:
114: -- Mason Williams
115: %%
116: There was an old pirate named Bates
117: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
118: He fell on his cutlass
119: Which rendered him nutless
120: And practically useless on dates.
121: %%
122: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
123: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
124: But the banister broke
125: So he doubled his stroke
126: And finished her off in mid-air.
127: %%
128: A pretty young lady named Vogel
129: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
130: A curious mole
131: Nosed into her hole --
132: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
133: %%
134: A mathematician named Hall
135: Has a hexahedronical ball,
136: And the cube of its weight
137: Times his pecker's, plus eight
138: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
139: %%
140: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
141: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
142: Let _V be virginity
143: Approaching infinity;
144: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
145:
146: "Let _V over _P be inverted
147: With the square root of _M_u inserted
148: _N times into _V ...
149: The result, Q.E.D.,
150: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
151: %%
152: A team playing baseball in Dallas
153: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
154: While this worthy had fits
155: The team made eight hits
156: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
157: %%
158: A bather whose clothing was strewed
159: By breezes that left her quite nude,
160: Saw a man come along
161: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
162: You expected this line to be lewd.
163: %%
164: There was a young lad name of Durcan
165: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
166: His father said, "Durcan!
167: Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
168: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
169: %%
170: There was a young girl named Sapphire
171: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
172: She said, "It's a sin,
173: But now that it's in,
174: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
175: %%
176: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
177: I am not I, I'm a tree."
178: But another, more sane,
179: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
180: And covered his pants leg with pee.
181: %%
182: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
183: without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
184: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
185: and it stinks."
186:
187: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
188: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
189: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
190: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
191: before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
192: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
193: and none may abide by its strength."
194:
195: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
196: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
197: it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
198: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
199: growth of the Laboratories."
200:
201: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
202: it was Good!
203: %%
204: There once was a hacker named Ken
205: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
206: So he built him some chicks
207: Of silicon chips
208: And hasn't been heard from since then.
209: %%
210: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
211: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
212: Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
213: I think someone's coming!"
214: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
215: %%
216: There once was a freshman named Lin,
217: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
218: A virgin named Joan
219: From a bible belt home,
220: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
221: %%
222: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
223: licentious, dirty bum!!
224: %%
225: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
226: can't happen."
227: -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
228: %%
229: There once was a couple named Kelley,
230: Who lived their life belly to belly.
231: Because in their haste
232: They used Library Paste,
233: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
234: %%
235: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
236:
237: Oh, give me a clone
238: Of my own flesh and bone
239: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
240: And when she is grown,
241: My very own clone,
242: We'll be of the opposite sex.
243:
244: Chorus:
245: Clone, clone of my own,
246: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
247: And when we're alone,
248: Since her mind is my own,
249: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
250:
251: -- Randall Garrett
252: %%
253: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
254: fruits and nuts is flakes.
255: %%
256: There once was a young man named Gene
257: Who invented a screwing machine
258: Concave and convex
259: It served either sex
260: And it played with itself in between.
261: %%
262: Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
263: Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
264: %%
265: Sex is like a bridge game --
266: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
267: %%
268: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
269: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
270: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
271: %%
272: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
273: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
274: qualified for!
275: -- Michael Cain
276: %%
277: "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
278: didn't believe in God."
279: "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
280: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
281: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
282: -- Joseph Heller
283: %%
284: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
285: learned to walk.
286: -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
287: %%
288: Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
289: -- Leo C. Rosten
290: %%
291: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
292: the first time.
293: -- Alfred E. Wiggam
294: %%
295: A pretty young maiden from France
296: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
297: She let herself go
298: For an hour or so
299: And now all her sisters are aunts.
300: %%
301: John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
302: -- Edward P. Morgan
303: %%
304: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
305: all will end as doves.
306: %%
307: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
308: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
309: scruples and the police."
310: -- Mr. Dooley
311: %%
312: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
313: forgets?
314: %%
315: Grain grows best in shit
316: -- U. K. LeGuin
317: %%
318: All things dull and ugly,
319: All creatures short and squat,
320: All things rude and nasty,
321: The Lord God made the lot;
322: Each little snake that poisons,
323: Each little wasp that stings,
324: He made their brutish venom,
325: He made their horrid wings.
326: All things sick and cancerous,
327: All evil great and small,
328: All things foul and dangerous,
329: The Lord God made them all.
330: Each nasty little hornet,
331: Each beastly little squid.
332: Who made the spikey urchin?
333: Who made the sharks? He did.
334: All things scabbed and ulcerous,
335: All pox both great and small.
336: Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
337: The Lord God made them all.
338:
339: -- Monty Python
340: %%
341: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
342: Who was very rarely stable.
343: Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
344: Who could think you under the table.
345: David Hume could out-consume
346: Schopenhauer and Hegel,
347: And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
348: Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
349: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
350: 'Bout the raising of the wrist.
351: Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
352:
353: John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
354: On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
355: Plato, they say, could stick it away
356: Half a crate of whiskey every day.
357: Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
358: Hobbes was fond of his dram,
359: And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
360: "I drink, therefore I am"
361: Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
362: A lovely little thinker
363: But a bugger when he's pissed!
364:
365: -- Monty Python
366: %%
367: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
368: %%
369: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
370: place to shift.
371: %%
372: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
373: %%
374: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
375: %%
376: Hackers do it with bugs.
377: %%
378: AI hackers do it with robots.
379: %%
380: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
381: %%
382: Mathematicians do it in theory.
383: %%
384: Statisticians probably do it.
385: %%
386: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
387: %%
388: Physicists do it with charm
389: %%
390: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
391: %%
392: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
393: %%
394: Politicians do it to everyone.
395: %%
396: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
397: %%
398: Communists do it without class.
399: %%
400: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
401: %%
402: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
403: %%
404: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
405: %%
406: There was a young lady named Hall,
407: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
408: The dress caught on fire
409: And burned her entire
410: Front page, sporting section, and all.
411: %%
412: Missionary position: The missionary on top.
413: %%
414: O'Riordan's Theorem:
415: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
416:
417: Purmal's Corollary:
418: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
419: availability goes to zero.
420: %%
421: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
422: "di-dah" for the filthy words.
423: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
424: Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
425: di-dah di-dah di-dah?
426: Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
427: Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
428: %%
429: There was a young whore from kaloo
430: Who filled her vagina with glue.
431: She said with a grin,
432: "If they pay to get in,
433: They can pay to get out again too!"
434: %%
435: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
436: still come out ahead.
437: %%
438: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
439: fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
440: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
441: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
442: earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
443: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
444: warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
445: began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
446: chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
447: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
448:
449: There are three morals to this story:
450:
451: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
452:
453: 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
454: friend.
455:
456: 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
457: shut.
458: %%
459: The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's
460: chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California
461: fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington?
462: %%
463: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
464: Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
465: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
466: Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
467: %%
468: "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
469: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
470: gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
471: lucky to escape with our skins!"
472: %%
473: Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
474: A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
475: %%
476: ...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
477: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
478: %%
479: One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout
480: were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
481: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
482: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
483: passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
484: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
485: be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
486: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
487: democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
488: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
489: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
490: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
491: productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
492: hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
493: there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
494: %%
495: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
496:
497: ...Seats 500.
498: %%
499: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
500: backyard?
501:
502: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing...
503: %%
504: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
505: %%
506: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
507: once was...an arctic wilderness
508: -- Steve Martin
509: %%
510: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
511: is having fun.
512: %%
513: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
514: This visage meek and humble,
515: And hear this confidential plea
516: Voiced in reverent mumble:
517: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
518: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
519:
520: -- Ansel Adams
521: %%
522: The Split-Atom Blues
523:
524: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
525: Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
526: But if you split those atoms fine,
527: Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
528:
529: Gimme zits, take my dough,
530: Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
531: Call the devil and sell my soul,
532: But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
533:
534: -- Milo Bloom
535: %%
536: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
537: "My favorite sport is coitus."
538: But a fullback from State
539: Made her period late,
540: And now she has athlete's fetus
541: %%
542: There was an old man of the port
543: Whose prick was remarkably short.
544: When he got into bed,
545: The old woman said,
546: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
547: %%
548: A worried young man from Stamboul
549: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
550: Said the doctor, a cynic,
551: "Get out of my clinic;
552: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
553: %%
554: He hated to mend, so young Ned
555: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
556: Her husband said, "Vi,
557: When you stitched up his torn fly,
558: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
559: %%
560: There was a young man named Crockett
561: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
562: His wife was a bitch,
563: And she threw the switch,
564: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
565: %%
566: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
567: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
568: "Try as hard as I can,
569: I can't find a man
570: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
571: %%
572: A wanton young lady from Wimley
573: Reproached for not acting quite primly
574: Said, "Heavens above!
575: I know sex isn't love,
576: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
577: %%
578: I once met a lassie named Ruth
579: In a long distance telephone booth.
580: Now I know the perfection
581: Of an ideal connection
582: Even if somewhat uncouth.
583: %%
584: There was a young lady from Maine
585: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
586: But you knew from the view,
587: As her abdomen grew,
588: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
589: %%
590: A remarkable race are the Persians;
591: They have such peculiar diversions.
592: They make love the whole day
593: In the usual way
594: And save up the nights for perversions.
595: %%
596: A widow who fancied a man some
597: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
598: When she clamored for more
599: Her young man became sore
600: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
601: %%
602: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
603: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
604: It was not the size
605: That cause such surprise;
606: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
607: %%
608: The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
609:
610: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
611: I simply can't fuck any more;
612: I'm covered with sweat,
613: And you haven't come yet,
614: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
615: %%
616: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
617: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
618: commerce.
619: -- J. Edgar Hoover
620: %%
621: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
622: called a liberal.
623: %%
624: Nothing is better than Sex.
625: Masturbation is better than nothing.
626: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
627: %%
628: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
629: %%
630: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
631: %%
632: Once a young gay from Khartoum,
633: Took a lesbian up to his room.
634: They argued all nite,
635: Over who had the right,
636: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
637: %%
638: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
639: hands.
640: %%
641: Beckhap's Law:
642: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
643: %%
644: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
645: -- Robert Burton
646: %%
647: I have a funny daddy
648: Who goes in and out with me
649: And everything that baby does
650: Daddy's sure to see,
651: And everthing that baby says,
652: My daddy's sure to tell.
653: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
654: I hope he fries in Hell.
655: -- Ogden Nash
656: %%
657: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
658: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
659: %%
660: An Army travels on her stomach.
661: %%
662: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
663: buzz-saw."
664: -- W. C. Fields
665: %%
666: The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable
667: from the food it produces.
668: %%
669: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
670: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
671: %%
672: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
673: Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
674: %%
675: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
676: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
677: %%
678: You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
679: be dead.
680: %%
681: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
682: %%
683: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
684: %%
685: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
686: schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
687: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
688: A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
689: over again until we get it right."
690: An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
691: nose, and breath normally."
692: %%
693: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
694: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
695: %%
696: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
697: -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
698: the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
699: %%
700: Kill a commie for Christ!
701: %%
702: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
703: A: A fur coat.
704: %%
705: This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
706: %%
707: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
708: with his head stuck up his ass.
709: %%
710: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
711: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
712: a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
713: promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
714: our "Big John" doll.)
715: %%
716: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
717: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
718: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
719: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
720: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
721: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
722: -- R.E. Masters
723: %%
724: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
725: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
726: -- Frank Zappa
727: %%
728: A hard man is good to find.
729: %%
730: Vidi, vici, veni.
731: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
732: %%
733: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
734: A: Two hours of begging.
735: %%
736: Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
737: apology for farting at a friend.
738: -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
739: Preposterous Words
740: %%
741: Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?
742: A. They're both stuck up cunts.
743: %%
744: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
745: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
746: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
747: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
748: facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
749: historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
750: ankles in bullshit.
751: -- Tom Robbins
752: %%
753: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
754: -- Bo Diddley
755: %%
756: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
757: -- Humphrey Bogart
758: %%
759: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
760: later you wish you'd never come.
761: %%
762: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
763: %%
764: "A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her
765: drawers."
766: --- Blind Lemon Pledge
767: %%
768: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
769: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
770: stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
771: %%
772: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
773: pick your friend's nose.
774: %%
775: Which of the following doesn't belong?
776: (a) meat
777: (b) eggs
778: (c) wife
779: (d) blowjob.
780: Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
781: eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
782: %%
783: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
784: hand."
785: -- James Watt
786: %%
787: Definition: Virgin -- an ugly third grader.
788: %%
789: What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
790: %%
791: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
792: -- David Mairowitz
793: %%
794: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
795: get back inside.
796: -- Heathcote Williams
797: %%
798: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
799: %%
800: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
801: hard you get fucked.
802: %%
803: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
804: horses?
805: -- G. Gordon Liddy
806: %%
807: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
808: should join
809:
810: THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
811:
812: An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the
813: Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up
814: to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way
815: of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of
816: the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as
817: correct Church dogma:
818:
819: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
820: UFOs come.
821: -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
822: -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
823: -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
824: the circle.
825: -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
826: -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
827:
828: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
829: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
830: done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
831: of a forthcoming Papal Bull.
832:
833: To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,
834: CCB, San Diego, CA.
835: %%
836: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
837: -- John Valby
838: %%
839: %%
840: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
841: everyone but her.
842:
843: Rich.
844: %%
845: Overheard in a bar:
846: Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
847: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
848: %%
849: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
850: name."
851: -- Gore Vidal
852: %%
853: "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
854: opposite."
855: -- J. K. Galbraith
856: %%
857: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
858: actual emergency, you would have known it!
859: %%
860: Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
861: problem with this difinition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? I_
862: know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much.
863: %%
864: There once was a lady from Exeter,
865: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
866: One was even so brave
867: As to take out and wave
868: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
This archive runs on limited infrastructure. Preserving old code on modern bandwidth. Automated agents are requested to crawl responsibly.