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Annotation of 42BSD/games/fortune/scene, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1:        After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
        !             2: Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
        !             3: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
        !             4: to be created."
        !             5:        "This is true," He replied.
        !             6:        "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
        !             7:        "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
        !             8: right to make his laws?"
        !             9:        "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
        !            10: his own."
        !            11:        It was so granted.
        !            12: %%
        !            13: Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
        !            14: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
        !            15: intellectual crime.
        !            16: %%
        !            17: Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
        !            18: %%
        !            19: Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
        !            20: %%
        !            21: Once Law was sitting on the bench
        !            22:        And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
        !            23: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
        !            24:        Nor come before me creeping.
        !            25: Upon you knees if you appear,
        !            26: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
        !            27: 
        !            28: Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
        !            29:        "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
        !            30: "Amica curiae," she replied --
        !            31:        "Friend of the court, so please you."
        !            32: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
        !            33: I never saw your face before!"
        !            34: %%
        !            35: Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
        !            36: %%
        !            37: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
        !            38:        as one man.
        !            39: 
        !            40: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
        !            41: 
        !            42: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
        !            43: %%
        !            44: Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
        !            45: %%
        !            46: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
        !            47: 
        !            48: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
        !            49: 
        !            50: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
        !            51: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
        !            52: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
        !            53: knowledge.
        !            54: %%
        !            55: Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
        !            56: he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
        !            57: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
        !            58: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
        !            59: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
        !            60: %%
        !            61: Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
        !            62: %%
        !            63: Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
        !            64: they are in the market.
        !            65: %%
        !            66: Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is
        !            67: distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
        !            68: of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
        !            69: indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
        !            70: corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
        !            71: %%
        !            72: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
        !            73: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
        !            74: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
        !            75: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A
        !            76: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
        !            77: more about the matter than the others.
        !            78: %%
        !            79: Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
        !            80: %%
        !            81: Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
        !            82: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
        !            83: from the true accounts which it invents later.
        !            84: %%
        !            85: ...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
        !            86: is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
        !            87: have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
        !            88: smell.
        !            89:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !            90: %%
        !            91: November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
        !            92: %%
        !            93: Once, adv.: Enough.
        !            94: %%
        !            95: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
        !            96: resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
        !            97: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
        !            98:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !            99: %%
        !           100: Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
        !           101: the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
        !           102: in scope, for it balks at pig.
        !           103: %%
        !           104: Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
        !           105: %%
        !           106: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
        !           107: %%
        !           108: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        !           109:        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
        !           110:            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
        !           111:            force is technically termed "car suck").
        !           112:        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
        !           113:            than "Watch this!"
        !           114: %%
        !           115: Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
        !           116: on roof and gets stuck.
        !           117: %%
        !           118: Hofstadter's Law:
        !           119:        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        !           120:        Hofstadter's Law into account.
        !           121: %%
        !           122: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
        !           123:                -- Andrew W. Mathis
        !           124: %%
        !           125: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
        !           126:                -- Roy Santoro
        !           127: %%
        !           128: Main's Law:
        !           129:        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
        !           130:        program.
        !           131: %%
        !           132: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
        !           133: %%
        !           134: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        !           135:        It's on the other side.
        !           136: %%
        !           137: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        !           138:        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
        !           139:            check.
        !           140:        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        !           141:        3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
        !           142:            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
        !           143:            attracted to dark objects.
        !           144: %%
        !           145: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
        !           146:                -- Noelie Altito
        !           147: %%
        !           148: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
        !           149: larger object.
        !           150: %%
        !           151: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
        !           152: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
        !           153: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
        !           154:                -- Marguerite Emmons
        !           155: %%
        !           156: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
        !           157: %%
        !           158: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
        !           159: stupidity of your action.
        !           160: %%
        !           161: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        !           162:        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        !           163:        to.....to........uh..............
        !           164: %%
        !           165: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
        !           166: %%
        !           167: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
        !           168: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
        !           169: high as the eagle?
        !           170: %%
        !           171: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
        !           172: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
        !           173: it, even if they don't know what it means."
        !           174:                -- Walt Kelly
        !           175: %%
        !           176: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
        !           177: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
        !           178: also a psychological interaction.
        !           179: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
        !           180: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
        !           181: %%
        !           182: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
        !           183: %%
        !           184: A penny saved is ridiculous.
        !           185: %%
        !           186: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
        !           187: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
        !           188: %%
        !           189: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
        !           190: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
        !           191: %%
        !           192: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
        !           193: %%
        !           194: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
        !           195: %%
        !           196: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
        !           197: %%
        !           198: Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
        !           199: %%
        !           200: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
        !           201: worse in Cleveland.
        !           202: %%
        !           203: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
        !           204: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
        !           205: %%
        !           206: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
        !           207: be in owning a piece thereof.
        !           208: %%
        !           209: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
        !           210: %%
        !           211: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
        !           212: You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
        !           213: %%
        !           214: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
        !           215: %%
        !           216: To be is to do.
        !           217:        -- I. Kant
        !           218: To do is to be.
        !           219:        -- A. Sartre
        !           220: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        !           221:        -- F. Flinstone
        !           222: %%
        !           223: God is Dead
        !           224:        -- Nietzsche
        !           225: Nietzsche is Dead
        !           226:        -- God
        !           227: Nietzsche is God
        !           228:        -- Dead
        !           229: %%
        !           230: Jesus Saves,
        !           231: Moses Invests,
        !           232: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
        !           233: %%
        !           234: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
        !           235: %%
        !           236: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
        !           237: %%
        !           238: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
        !           239: how many?
        !           240: %%
        !           241: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
        !           242: %%
        !           243: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
        !           244: Station-to-Station rate.
        !           245: %%
        !           246: Necessity is a mother.
        !           247: %%
        !           248: Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
        !           249: %%
        !           250: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
        !           251: %%
        !           252: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
        !           253: %%
        !           254: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
        !           255: %%
        !           256: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
        !           257: %%
        !           258: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
        !           259: Thousand Caramels.
        !           260: %%
        !           261: In the days of old,
        !           262: When Knights were bold,
        !           263:        And women were too cautious;
        !           264: Oh, those gallant days,
        !           265: When women were women,
        !           266:        And men were really obnoxious...
        !           267: %%
        !           268: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
        !           269: %%
        !           270: If anything can go wrong, it will.
        !           271: %%
        !           272: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
        !           273: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
        !           274: %%
        !           275: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
        !           276: Heads.
        !           277: %%
        !           278: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
        !           279: %%
        !           280: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
        !           281: %%
        !           282: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
        !           283: Ears.
        !           284: %%
        !           285: How doth the little crocodile
        !           286:     Improve his shining tail,
        !           287: And pour the waters of the Nile
        !           288:     On every golden scale!
        !           289: 
        !           290: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
        !           291:     How neatly spreads his claws,
        !           292: And welcomes little fishes in,
        !           293:     With gently smiling jaws!
        !           294: %%
        !           295: You're at the end of the road again.
        !           296: %%
        !           297: If anything can go wrong, it will.
        !           298: %%
        !           299: The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
        !           300: 
        !           301: However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
        !           302: judging things by their price.
        !           303: %%
        !           304: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
        !           305:     "And your hair has become very white;
        !           306: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
        !           307:     Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
        !           308: 
        !           309: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
        !           310:     "I feared it might injure the brain;
        !           311: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
        !           312:     Why, I do it again and again."
        !           313: %%
        !           314: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !           315:     And have grown most uncommonly fat;
        !           316: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
        !           317:     Pray what is the reason of that?"
        !           318: 
        !           319: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
        !           320:     "I kept all my limbs very supple
        !           321: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
        !           322:     Allow me to sell you a couple?"
        !           323: %%
        !           324: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
        !           325:     For anything tougher than suet;
        !           326: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
        !           327:     Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
        !           328: 
        !           329: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
        !           330:     And argued each case with my wife;
        !           331: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
        !           332:     Has lasted the rest of my life."
        !           333: %%
        !           334: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
        !           335:     That your eye was as steady as ever;
        !           336: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
        !           337:     What made you so awfully clever?"
        !           338: 
        !           339: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
        !           340:     Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
        !           341: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !           342:     Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
        !           343: %%
        !           344: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
        !           345: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
        !           346: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
        !           347: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
        !           348: %%
        !           349: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
        !           350: And every vector dreams of matrices.
        !           351: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
        !           352: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
        !           353: %%
        !           354: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
        !           355: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
        !           356: Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
        !           357: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
        !           358: %%
        !           359: I'll grant the random access to my heart,
        !           360: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
        !           361: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
        !           362: And in our bound partition never part.
        !           363: %%
        !           364: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
        !           365: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
        !           366: A root or two, a torus and a node:
        !           367: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
        !           368: %%
        !           369: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
        !           370: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
        !           371: Bernoulli would have been content to die
        !           372: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(thi)!
        !           373: %%
        !           374: A very intelligent turtle
        !           375: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
        !           376:        The system, you see,
        !           377:        Ran as slow as did he,
        !           378: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
        !           379: %%
        !           380: This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
        !           381: please use the program "_r_a_n_d_c_h_a_r".  This program generates random
        !           382: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
        !           383: something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
        !           384: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
        !           385: %%
        !           386: This fortune intentionally not included.
        !           387: %%
        !           388: Speak roughly to your little boy,
        !           389:     And beat him when he sneezes:
        !           390: He only does it to annoy
        !           391:     Because he knows it teases.
        !           392: 
        !           393:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !           394: 
        !           395: I speak severely to my boy,
        !           396:     And beat him when he sneezes:
        !           397: For he can thoroughly enjoy
        !           398:     The pepper when he pleases!
        !           399: 
        !           400:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !           401: %%
        !           402:        "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
        !           403: that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
        !           404: more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
        !           405: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
        !           406: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
        !           407: otherwise.'"
        !           408: %%
        !           409: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
        !           410:     Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
        !           411: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
        !           412:     Et le m^omerade horgrave.
        !           413: %%
        !           414: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
        !           415:     Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
        !           416: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
        !           417:     Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
        !           418: %%
        !           419:        "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
        !           420:        Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't--
        !           421: till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for
        !           422: you!'"
        !           423:        "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
        !           424: objected.
        !           425:        "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
        !           426: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
        !           427: less."
        !           428:        "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
        !           429: so many different things."
        !           430:        "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
        !           431: that's all."
        !           432: %%
        !           433: Oh, when I was in love with you,
        !           434:     Then I was clean and brave,
        !           435: And miles around the wonder grew
        !           436:     How well did I behave.
        !           437: 
        !           438: And now the fancy passes by,
        !           439:     And nothing will remain,
        !           440: And miles around they'll say that I
        !           441:     Am quite myself again.
        !           442: 
        !           443:                -- A. E. Housman
        !           444: %%
        !           445: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
        !           446: She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
        !           447: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
        !           448: Silently scheming,
        !           449: Sightlessly seeking
        !           450: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
        !           451: 
        !           452:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !           453: %%
        !           454: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
        !           455: incompetency
        !           456:                -- the Peter Principle
        !           457: %%
        !           458: Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
        !           459: it.
        !           460: %%
        !           461: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
        !           462: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
        !           463: scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
        !           464: wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist.  Indeed, the banality of
        !           465: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
        !           466: discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
        !           467: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
        !           468: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
        !           469: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
        !           470: different way...
        !           471: %%
        !           472: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
        !           473: you will look forward to the trip.
        !           474: %%
        !           475: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
        !           476:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !           477: %%
        !           478: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
        !           479: %%
        !           480: When Marriage is Outlawed,
        !           481: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
        !           482: %%
        !           483: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
        !           484: SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
        !           485:                -- Walt Kelley
        !           486: %%
        !           487: Look out!  Behind you!
        !           488: %%
        !           489: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
        !           490: %%
        !           491: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
        !           492: %%
        !           493: Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
        !           494: coins out of one's pockets.
        !           495:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !           496: %%
        !           497: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
        !           498: the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
        !           499: %%
        !           500: If all be true that I do think,
        !           501: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
        !           502: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
        !           503: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
        !           504: Or any other reason why.
        !           505: %%
        !           506: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
        !           507: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
        !           508: %%
        !           509: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
        !           510: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
        !           511: develop.
        !           512: %%
        !           513: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
        !           514: %%
        !           515: Every solution breeds new problems.
        !           516: %%
        !           517: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
        !           518: ingenious.
        !           519: %%
        !           520: O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
        !           521:        "Murphy was an optimist."
        !           522: %%
        !           523: Boling's postulate:
        !           524:        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
        !           525: %%
        !           526: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
        !           527: something.
        !           528: %%
        !           529: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
        !           530: will.
        !           531: %%
        !           532: Scott's first Law:
        !           533:        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
        !           534: %%
        !           535: Scott's second Law:
        !           536:        When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
        !           537:        to have been wrong in the first place.
        !           538: Corollary:
        !           539:        After the correction has been found in error, it will be
        !           540:        impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
        !           541:        equation.
        !           542: %%
        !           543: Finagle's first Law:
        !           544:        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
        !           545: %%
        !           546: Finagle's second Law:
        !           547:        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        !           548:        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        !           549:        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
        !           550: %%
        !           551: Finagle's third Law:
        !           552:        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        !           553:        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
        !           554: Corollaries:
        !           555:        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        !           556:        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
        !           557:            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
        !           558: %%
        !           559: Finagle's fourth Law:
        !           560:        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        !           561:        makes it worse.
        !           562: %%
        !           563: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
        !           564: %%
        !           565: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
        !           566: 
        !           567:        The Course of Progress:
        !           568:                Most things get steadily worse.
        !           569: 
        !           570:        The Path of Progress:
        !           571:                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
        !           572: %%
        !           573: Simon's Law:
        !           574:        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
        !           575: %%
        !           576: Ginsberg's Theorem:
        !           577:        1.  You can't win.
        !           578:        2.  You can't break even.
        !           579:        3.  You can't even quit the game.
        !           580: 
        !           581: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        !           582: 
        !           583:        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        !           584:        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        !           585:        Theorem.  To wit:
        !           586: 
        !           587:        1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        !           588:        2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
        !           589:            even.
        !           590:        3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
        !           591:            game.
        !           592: %%
        !           593: Ehrman's Commentary:
        !           594:        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
        !           595:        2.  Who said things would get better?
        !           596: %%
        !           597: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
        !           598: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
        !           599: %%
        !           600: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        !           601:        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        !           602:        Positive expectations yield negative results.
        !           603: %%
        !           604: Howe's Law:
        !           605:        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
        !           606: %%
        !           607: Sturgeon's Law:
        !           608:        90% of everything is crud.
        !           609: %%
        !           610: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        !           611:        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        !           612:        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        !           613:        some useful work done.
        !           614: %%
        !           615: Brook's Law:
        !           616:        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
        !           617: %%
        !           618: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        !           619:        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        !           620:        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
        !           621: %%
        !           622: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        !           623:        There's always one more bug.
        !           624: %%
        !           625: Shaw's Principle:
        !           626:        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        !           627:        want to use it.
        !           628: %%
        !           629: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        !           630:        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        !           631:        bread to butter.
        !           632: %%
        !           633: Law of Selective Gravity:
        !           634:        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
        !           635: 
        !           636: Jenning's Corollary:
        !           637:        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        !           638:        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
        !           639: %%
        !           640: Paul's Law:
        !           641:        You can't fall off the floor.
        !           642: %%
        !           643: Johnson's First Law:
        !           644:        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        !           645:        most inconvenient possible time.
        !           646: %%
        !           647: Watson's Law:
        !           648:        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        !           649:        number and significance of any persons watching it.
        !           650: %%
        !           651: Sattinger's Law:
        !           652:        It works better if you plug it in.
        !           653: %%
        !           654: Lowery's Law:
        !           655:        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
        !           656:        anyway.
        !           657: %%
        !           658: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        !           659:        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
        !           660: %%
        !           661: Cahn's Axiom:
        !           662:        When all else fails, read the instructions.
        !           663: %%
        !           664: Jenkinson's Law:
        !           665:        It won't work.
        !           666: %%
        !           667: Murphy's Law of Research:
        !           668:        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
        !           669: %%
        !           670: Maier's Law:
        !           671:        If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
        !           672:        disposed of.
        !           673: 
        !           674: Corollaries:
        !           675:        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        !           676:        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
        !           677:            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
        !           678:            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
        !           679: %%
        !           680: Williams and Holland's Law:
        !           681:        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        !           682:        statistical methods.
        !           683: %%
        !           684: Harvard Law:
        !           685:        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
        !           686:        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
        !           687:        organism will do as it damn well pleases.
        !           688: %%
        !           689: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        !           690:        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        !           691:        out.
        !           692: %%
        !           693: Brooke's Law:
        !           694:        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        !           695:        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        !           696:        expands it beyond recognition.
        !           697: %%
        !           698: Meskimen's Law:
        !           699:        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        !           700:        do it over.
        !           701: %%
        !           702: Heller's Law:
        !           703:        The first myth of management is that it exists.
        !           704: 
        !           705: Johnson's Corollary:
        !           706:        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        !           707:        organization.
        !           708: %%
        !           709: Peter's Law of Substitution:
        !           710:        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        !           711:        themselves.
        !           712: %%
        !           713: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        !           714:        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        !           715:        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
        !           716: %%
        !           717: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        !           718:        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        !           719:        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
        !           720: %%
        !           721: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        !           722:        People are always available for work in the past tense.
        !           723: %%
        !           724: Iron Law of Distribution:
        !           725:        Them that has, gets.
        !           726: %%
        !           727: H. L. Mencken's Law:
        !           728:        Those who can -- do.
        !           729:        Those who can't -- teach.
        !           730: 
        !           731: Martin's Extension:
        !           732:        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
        !           733: %%
        !           734: Jone's Law:
        !           735:        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
        !           736:        to blame it on.
        !           737: %%
        !           738: Rule of Feline Frustration:
        !           739:        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        !           740:        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        !           741:        bathroom.
        !           742: %%
        !           743: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
        !           744: blowing first.
        !           745: %%
        !           746: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
        !           747: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
        !           748: removed.
        !           749: %%
        !           750: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
        !           751: on the bench.
        !           752: %%
        !           753: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
        !           754: are to be treated as variables.
        !           755: %%
        !           756: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
        !           757: %%
        !           758: First Law of Bicycling:
        !           759:        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        !           760:        wind.
        !           761: %%
        !           762: Boob's Law:
        !           763:        You always find something in the last place you look.
        !           764: %%
        !           765: Osborn's Law:
        !           766:        Variables won't; constants aren't.
        !           767: %%
        !           768: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        !           769:        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        !           770:        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
        !           771:        should have gotten.
        !           772: %%
        !           773: Miksch's Law:
        !           774:        If a string has one end, then it has another end.
        !           775: %%
        !           776: Law of Communications:
        !           777:        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        !           778:        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        !           779:        area of misunderstanding.
        !           780: %%
        !           781: Harris's Lament:
        !           782:        All the good ones are taken.
        !           783: %%
        !           784: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
        !           785:                -- Harry S Truman
        !           786: %%
        !           787: Putt's Law:
        !           788:        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
        !           789:            Those who understand what they do not manage.
        !           790:            Those who manage what they do not understand.
        !           791: %%
        !           792: First Law of Procrastination:
        !           793:        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        !           794:        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        !           795:        imposed the deadline).
        !           796: %%
        !           797: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        !           798:        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        !           799:        there is nothing important to do.
        !           800: %%
        !           801: Swipple's Rule of Order:
        !           802:        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
        !           803: %%
        !           804: Wiker's Law:
        !           805:        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
        !           806: %%
        !           807: Gray's Law of Programming:
        !           808:        '_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        !           809:        time as '_n' tasks.
        !           810: 
        !           811: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        !           812:        '_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_n' trivial tasks.
        !           813: %%
        !           814: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        !           815:        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        !           816:        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        !           817:        percent.
        !           818: %%
        !           819: Weinberg's First Law:
        !           820:        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
        !           821: %%
        !           822: Weinberg's Second Law:
        !           823:        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        !           824:        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        !           825:        civilization.
        !           826: %%
        !           827: Paul's Law:
        !           828:        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
        !           829:        save.
        !           830: %%
        !           831: Malek's Law:
        !           832:        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
        !           833: %%
        !           834: Weinberg's Principle:
        !           835:        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        !           836:        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
        !           837: %%
        !           838: Barth's Distinction:
        !           839:        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
        !           840:        two types, and those who don't.
        !           841: %%
        !           842: Weiler's Law:
        !           843:        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        !           844:        himself.
        !           845: %%
        !           846: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        !           847:        Celibacy is not hereditary.
        !           848: %%
        !           849: Beifeld's Principle:
        !           850:        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        !           851:        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        !           852:        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        !           853:        a better looking and richer male friend.
        !           854: %%
        !           855: Hartley's Second Law:
        !           856:        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
        !           857: %%
        !           858: Pardo's First Postulate:
        !           859:        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
        !           860: 
        !           861: Arnold's Addendum:
        !           862:        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        !           863:        rats.
        !           864: %%
        !           865: Parker's Law:
        !           866:        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
        !           867: %%
        !           868: Captain Penny's Law:
        !           869:        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        !           870:        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
        !           871: %%
        !           872: Katz' Law:
        !           873:        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        !           874:        possibilities have been exhausted.
        !           875: %%
        !           876: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        !           877:        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        !           878:        population is growing.
        !           879: %%
        !           880: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        !           881:        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        !           882:        another drink.
        !           883: %%
        !           884: The Kennedy Constant:
        !           885:        Don't get mad -- get even.
        !           886: %%
        !           887: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        !           888:        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
        !           889: 
        !           890: Supplement:
        !           891:        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
        !           892: %%
        !           893: Jone's Motto:
        !           894:        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
        !           895: %%
        !           896: The Fifth Rule:
        !           897:        You have taken yourself too seriously.
        !           898: %%
        !           899: Cole's Law:
        !           900:        Thinly sliced cabbage.
        !           901: %%
        !           902: Hartley's First Law:
        !           903:        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        !           904:        on his back, you've got something.
        !           905: %%
        !           906: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        !           907:        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        !           908:        legislature is in session.
        !           909: %%
        !           910: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        !           911:        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        !           912:        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
        !           913: %%
        !           914: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        !           915:        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
        !           916: %%
        !           917: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        !           918:        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        !           919:        be out of a job.
        !           920: %%
        !           921: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
        !           922: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
        !           923:        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
        !           924: %%
        !           925: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
        !           926:                -- Mark Twain
        !           927: %%
        !           928: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
        !           929: wants to read.
        !           930:                -- Mark Twain
        !           931: %%
        !           932: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
        !           933: you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
        !           934:                -- Mark Twain
        !           935: %%
        !           936: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
        !           937:                -- Mark Twain
        !           938: %%
        !           939: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
        !           940: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
        !           941: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
        !           942:                -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
        !           943: %%
        !           944:        "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
        !           945: voice.
        !           946:        "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
        !           947: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
        !           948: I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
        !           949: Elven-lore:
        !           950: 
        !           951:        "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
        !           952:        Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
        !           953:        Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
        !           954:        This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
        !           955:        The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
        !           956:        The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
        !           957:        If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
        !           958:        If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
        !           959: %%
        !           960: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
        !           961: because we are not the person involved"
        !           962:                -- Mark Twain
        !           963: %%
        !           964: "...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
        !           965: picturesque liar."
        !           966:                -- Mark Twain
        !           967: %%
        !           968: I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
        !           969: didn't know.
        !           970:                -- Mark Twain
        !           971: %%
        !           972: "...all the modern inconveniences..."
        !           973:                -- Mark Twain
        !           974: %%
        !           975: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
        !           976:                -- Walt Kelly
        !           977: %%
        !           978: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
        !           979:                -- William Gilbert
        !           980: %%
        !           981: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        !           982:        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
        !           983: %%
        !           984: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        !           985:        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        !           986:        cork makes when it is popped.
        !           987: %%
        !           988: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        !           989:        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
        !           990: %%
        !           991: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        !           992:        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        !           993:        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        !           994:        can never hope to acquire it.
        !           995: %%
        !           996: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
        !           997: Advertising wondrous things.
        !           998: %%
        !           999: Angels we have heard on High
        !          1000: Tell us to go out and Buy.
        !          1001: %%
        !          1002: The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
        !          1003:        Were each of them once a kiddie.
        !          1004: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        !          1005:        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
        !          1006: 
        !          1007:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1008: %%
        !          1009: Who made the world I cannot tell;
        !          1010: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
        !          1011: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
        !          1012: I never soiled with such a deed.
        !          1013: 
        !          1014:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          1015: %%
        !          1016: Families, when a child is born
        !          1017: Want it to be intelligent.
        !          1018: I, through intelligence,
        !          1019: Having wrecked my whole life,
        !          1020: Only hope the baby will prove
        !          1021: Ignorant and stupid.
        !          1022: Then he will crown a tranquil life
        !          1023: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
        !          1024: 
        !          1025:                -- Su Tung-p'o
        !          1026: %%
        !          1027: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
        !          1028: lists of "Ten Best".
        !          1029:                -- H. Allen Smith
        !          1030: %%
        !          1031: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
        !          1032: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
        !          1033: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
        !          1034: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
        !          1035: in the end a summer with wild winds &
        !          1036: new friends will be.
        !          1037: %%
        !          1038: This is for all ill-treated fellows
        !          1039:        Unborn and unbegot,
        !          1040: For them to read when they're in trouble
        !          1041:        And I am not.
        !          1042:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          1043: %%
        !          1044: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
        !          1045: You eat your victuals fast enough;
        !          1046: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
        !          1047: To see the rate you drink your beer.
        !          1048: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
        !          1049: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
        !          1050: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
        !          1051: It sleeps well the horned head:
        !          1052: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
        !          1053: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
        !          1054: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
        !          1055: Your friends to death before their time.
        !          1056: Moping, melancholy mad:
        !          1057: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
        !          1058:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          1059: %%
        !          1060: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
        !          1061: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
        !          1062: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
        !          1063: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
        !          1064: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
        !          1065: respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
        !          1066: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
        !          1067: then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
        !          1068: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
        !          1069:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !          1070: %%
        !          1071: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
        !          1072: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
        !          1073: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
        !          1074: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
        !          1075: corners as bodies of a lower grade...
        !          1076:                -- Stanislaw Lem
        !          1077: %%
        !          1078: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
        !          1079: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
        !          1080: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
        !          1081:                -- Ralph Emerson
        !          1082: %%
        !          1083: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
        !          1084: a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
        !          1085: the contrary, nohow.
        !          1086: %%
        !          1087: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
        !          1088:        Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
        !          1089:        can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
        !          1090: %%
        !          1091: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
        !          1092: In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
        !          1093: as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
        !          1094:                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
        !          1095:                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
        !          1096:                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
        !          1097:                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
        !          1098: %%
        !          1099: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
        !          1100: %%
        !          1101: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
        !          1102: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
        !          1103: %%
        !          1104: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
        !          1105: %%
        !          1106: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
        !          1107: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
        !          1108: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
        !          1109: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
        !          1110: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
        !          1111: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
        !          1112: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
        !          1113:                -- Samuel Foote
        !          1114: %%
        !          1115: Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
        !          1116: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
        !          1117: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
        !          1118: %%
        !          1119: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        !          1120:        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        !          1121:        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        !          1122:        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
        !          1123:            first two laws.
        !          1124: %%
        !          1125: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        !          1126:        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        !          1127:        equipment ruined.
        !          1128: %%
        !          1129: Boren's Laws:
        !          1130:        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        !          1131:        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        !          1132:        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
        !          1133: %%
        !          1134: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        !          1135:        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
        !          1136: %%
        !          1137: Rudin's Law:
        !          1138:        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        !          1139:        do it every time.
        !          1140: %%
        !          1141: Bucy's Law:
        !          1142:        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
        !          1143: %%
        !          1144: Hacker's Law:
        !          1145:        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        !          1146:        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
        !          1147: %%
        !          1148: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
        !          1149: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
        !          1150: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
        !          1151: Because she's unable to postulate how.
        !          1152:                -- Frederick Winsor
        !          1153: %%
        !          1154: Vail's Second Axiom:
        !          1155:        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        !          1156:        amount of work already completed.
        !          1157: %%
        !          1158: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
        !          1159: %%
        !          1160: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
        !          1161: the only ashtray."
        !          1162: %%
        !          1163: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        !          1164:        He must be a communist.
        !          1165: And a beard and long hair,
        !          1166:        Must be a pacifist.
        !          1167: 
        !          1168:        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
        !          1169: 
        !          1170:                -- Arlo Guthrie
        !          1171: %%
        !          1172: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
        !          1173:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          1174: %%
        !          1175: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
        !          1176:                -- Howard Kandel
        !          1177: %%
        !          1178: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
        !          1179: %%
        !          1180: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
        !          1181: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
        !          1182: people.
        !          1183:                -- Dolph Sharp
        !          1184: %%
        !          1185: Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
        !          1186: thrust into somebody's pocket.
        !          1187: %%
        !          1188: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
        !          1189: freedom and liberty.
        !          1190:                -- Henrick Ibson
        !          1191: %%
        !          1192: Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
        !          1193: by leaving it out.
        !          1194: %%
        !          1195: Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
        !          1196:                -- Lazarus Long
        !          1197: %%
        !          1198: I like work...
        !          1199: I can sit and watch it for ours.
        !          1200: %%
        !          1201: Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
        !          1202: %%
        !          1203: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
        !          1204: we could with both of them."
        !          1205:                -- Major Major's father
        !          1206: %%
        !          1207: Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
        !          1208:                -- A. E. Newman
        !          1209: %%
        !          1210: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
        !          1211: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
        !          1212: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
        !          1213: Your Feet on the Ground,
        !          1214: Your Head on your Shoulders.
        !          1215: Now...try to get something DONE!
        !          1216: %%
        !          1217: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
        !          1218: Hate is a word that is not.
        !          1219: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
        !          1220: Love, I have read, is hot.
        !          1221: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
        !          1222: And Love but a drug on the mart.
        !          1223: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
        !          1224: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        !          1225:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1226: %%
        !          1227: Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
        !          1228: might be taught to talk.
        !          1229: %%
        !          1230: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
        !          1231: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
        !          1232: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
        !          1233: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
        !          1234:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          1235: %%
        !          1236: Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
        !          1237: Jackasses.
        !          1238:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          1239: %%
        !          1240: Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
        !          1241: periods of fighting.
        !          1242: %%
        !          1243: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
        !          1244:        says is wrong.
        !          1245: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
        !          1246:        will be right.
        !          1247:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          1248: %%
        !          1249: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
        !          1250: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
        !          1251:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1252: %%
        !          1253: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
        !          1254: %%
        !          1255: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
        !          1256: believe everything positively stinks.
        !          1257:                -- Lew Col
        !          1258: %%
        !          1259: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
        !          1260: get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
        !          1261: face.
        !          1262: %%
        !          1263: Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
        !          1264: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
        !          1265:                -- Dolph Sharp
        !          1266: %%
        !          1267: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
        !          1268: showed that all had these things in common:
        !          1269:        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
        !          1270:        2)  They all came from middle class homes
        !          1271:        3)  All but two of them were dead.
        !          1272: %%
        !          1273: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
        !          1274: And that's what parents were created for.
        !          1275:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1276: %%
        !          1277: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
        !          1278:        Did you ever try buying then without money?
        !          1279: 
        !          1280:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1281: %%
        !          1282: Confucius say too much.
        !          1283:                -- Recent Chinese Proverb
        !          1284: %%
        !          1285: Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
        !          1286: a tempest of words.
        !          1287:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1288: %%
        !          1289: Fats Loves Madelyn
        !          1290: %%
        !          1291: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
        !          1292:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          1293: %%
        !          1294: "Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
        !          1295:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          1296: %%
        !          1297: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
        !          1298: Plus three times the square root of four,
        !          1299:        Divided by seven,
        !          1300:        Plus five time eleven,
        !          1301: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
        !          1302: %%
        !          1303: Who's on first?
        !          1304: %%
        !          1305: Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
        !          1306: society.
        !          1307:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1308: %%
        !          1309: We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
        !          1310: friends are trying to kill us.
        !          1311: %%
        !          1312: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
        !          1313:                -- Art Hoppe
        !          1314: %%
        !          1315: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
        !          1316: %%
        !          1317: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety
        !          1318: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
        !          1319: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
        !          1320: its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
        !          1321: %%
        !          1322: There's little in taking or giving,
        !          1323:     There's little in water or wine:
        !          1324: This living, this living, this living,
        !          1325:     Was never a project of mine.
        !          1326: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
        !          1327:     The gain of the one at the top,
        !          1328: For art is a form of catharsis,
        !          1329:     And love is a permanent flop,
        !          1330: And work is the province of cattle,
        !          1331:     And rest's for a clam in a shell,
        !          1332: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
        !          1333:     Would you kindly direct me to hell?
        !          1334: 
        !          1335:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1336: %%
        !          1337: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
        !          1338: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
        !          1339: keys..."
        !          1340: %%
        !          1341: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
        !          1342: Would shudder at a wicked word.
        !          1343: Their candle gives a single light;
        !          1344: They'd rather stay at home at night.
        !          1345: They do not keep awake till three,
        !          1346: Nor read erotic poetry.
        !          1347: They never sanction the impure,
        !          1348: Nor recognize an overture.
        !          1349: They shrink from powders and from paints...
        !          1350: So far, I've had no complaints.
        !          1351:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1352: %%
        !          1353:        THEORY
        !          1354: Into love and out again,
        !          1355:     Thus I went and thus I go.
        !          1356: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
        !          1357:     Well and bitterly I know
        !          1358: All the songs were ever sung,
        !          1359:     All the words were ever said;
        !          1360: Could it be, when I was young,
        !          1361:     Someone dropped me on my head?
        !          1362:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1363: %%
        !          1364: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
        !          1365:     And he cares not what comes after.
        !          1366: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
        !          1367:     And his eyes are lit with laughter.
        !          1368: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
        !          1369:     Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
        !          1370: My own dear love, he is all my world --
        !          1371:     And I wish I'd never met him.
        !          1372: %%
        !          1373: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
        !          1374:     And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
        !          1375: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
        !          1376:     And the skies are sunlit for him.
        !          1377: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
        !          1378:     As the fragrance of acacia.
        !          1379: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
        !          1380:     And I wish he were in Asia.
        !          1381: %%
        !          1382: My love runs by like a day in June,
        !          1383:     And he makes no friends of sorrows.
        !          1384: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
        !          1385:     In the pathway or the morrows.
        !          1386: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
        !          1387:     Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
        !          1388: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
        !          1389:     And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
        !          1390: %%
        !          1391: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
        !          1392:     I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
        !          1393: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
        !          1394:     I'm Salome, moon of the East.
        !          1395: 
        !          1396: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
        !          1397:     Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
        !          1398: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
        !          1399:     With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
        !          1400: 
        !          1401: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
        !          1402:     At whose beckoning history shook.
        !          1403: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
        !          1404:     So I stay at home with a book.
        !          1405: 
        !          1406:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1407: %%
        !          1408: If I don't drive around the park,
        !          1409: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
        !          1410: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
        !          1411: I may get back my looks again.
        !          1412: If I abstain from fun and such,
        !          1413: I'll probably amount to much;
        !          1414: But I shall stay the way I am,
        !          1415: Because I do not give a damn.
        !          1416:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1417: %%
        !          1418:        FIGHTING WORDS
        !          1419: Say my love is easy had,
        !          1420:     Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
        !          1421: Say I am too often sad --
        !          1422:     Still behold me at your side.
        !          1423: 
        !          1424: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
        !          1425:     Say I woo and coddle care,
        !          1426: Say the devil touched my tongue --
        !          1427:     Still you have my heart to wear.
        !          1428: 
        !          1429: But say my verses do not scan,
        !          1430:     And I get me another man!
        !          1431:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1432: %%
        !          1433:        COMMENT
        !          1434: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
        !          1435: A medley of extemporanea;
        !          1436: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
        !          1437: And I am Marie of Roumania.
        !          1438:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          1439: %%
        !          1440:        INVENTORY
        !          1441: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
        !          1442: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
        !          1443: 
        !          1444: Four be the things I'd been better without:
        !          1445: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
        !          1446: 
        !          1447: Three be the things I shall never attain:
        !          1448: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
        !          1449: 
        !          1450: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
        !          1451: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
        !          1452: %%
        !          1453: The Abrams' Principle:
        !          1454:        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
        !          1455: %%
        !          1456: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
        !          1457: %%
        !          1458: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
        !          1459: %%
        !          1460: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
        !          1461: as Wheels.
        !          1462: %%
        !          1463: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
        !          1464: %%
        !          1465: He who Laughs, Lasts.
        !          1466: %%
        !          1467: Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
        !          1468: %%
        !          1469: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
        !          1470: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
        !          1471: %%
        !          1472: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
        !          1473: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
        !          1474: %%
        !          1475: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
        !          1476: %%
        !          1477: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
        !          1478: %%
        !          1479: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
        !          1480:                -- Mae West
        !          1481: %%
        !          1482: Famous last words:
        !          1483: %%
        !          1484: You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
        !          1485: %%
        !          1486: Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
        !          1487: opinion.
        !          1488: %%
        !          1489: Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
        !          1490: himself a pleasure.
        !          1491: %%
        !          1492: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
        !          1493: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
        !          1494:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1495: %%
        !          1496: Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
        !          1497: well enough to lend to.
        !          1498:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1499: %%
        !          1500: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
        !          1501: ourselves.
        !          1502: %%
        !          1503: Adore: To venerate expectantly.
        !          1504: %%
        !          1505: Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
        !          1506: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
        !          1507: separately plunder a third.
        !          1508: %%
        !          1509: Alone: In bad company.
        !          1510: %%
        !          1511: Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
        !          1512: left.
        !          1513: %%
        !          1514: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
        !          1515: %%
        !          1516: Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
        !          1517: sufficiently slippery.
        !          1518: %%
        !          1519: Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
        !          1520: getting drunk.
        !          1521: %%
        !          1522: Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
        !          1523: we are having.
        !          1524: %%
        !          1525: Her locks an ancient lady gave
        !          1526: Her loving husband's life to save;
        !          1527: And men -- they honored so the dame --
        !          1528: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
        !          1529: 
        !          1530: But to our modern married fair,
        !          1531: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
        !          1532: No stellar recognition's given.
        !          1533: There are not stars enough in heaven.
        !          1534: %%
        !          1535: Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
        !          1536: %%
        !          1537: Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
        !          1538: %%
        !          1539: Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
        !          1540: %%
        !          1541: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
        !          1542: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
        !          1543: from the cares of office.
        !          1544: %%
        !          1545: Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
        !          1546: a man's head.
        !          1547: %%
        !          1548: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
        !          1549: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
        !          1550:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1551: %%
        !          1552: Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
        !          1553: to please him.
        !          1554: %%
        !          1555: Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
        !          1556: %%
        !          1557: Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
        !          1558: it is buttered on.
        !          1559: %%
        !          1560: Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
        !          1561: %%
        !          1562: A lady with one of her ears applied
        !          1563: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
        !          1564: Two female gossips in converse free --
        !          1565: The subject engaging them was she.
        !          1566: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
        !          1567: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
        !          1568: As soon as no more of it she could hear
        !          1569: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
        !          1570: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
        !          1571: "To hear my character lied about!"
        !          1572:                -- Gopete Sherany
        !          1573: %%
        !          1574: Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
        !          1575: %%
        !          1576: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
        !          1577: safe, for you can watch both of his.
        !          1578: %%
        !          1579: Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
        !          1580: stockings and desolating the country.
        !          1581: %%
        !          1582: Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
        !          1583: of another.
        !          1584: %%
        !          1585: Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
        !          1586: superiority.
        !          1587: %%
        !          1588: Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
        !          1589: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
        !          1590: expound your own.
        !          1591: %%
        !          1592: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
        !          1593: %%
        !          1594: Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
        !          1595: griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
        !          1596: half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
        !          1597: eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of
        !          1598: zoology is full of surprises.
        !          1599: %%
        !          1600: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
        !          1601: and praiseworthy...
        !          1602:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1603: %%
        !          1604: Please ignore previous fortune.
        !          1605: %%
        !          1606: Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
        !          1607: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
        !          1608: conflicting opinions.
        !          1609: %%
        !          1610: ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
        !          1611: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
        !          1612: and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
        !          1613: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
        !          1614: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
        !          1615: on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
        !          1616: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
        !          1617: sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
        !          1618: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
        !          1619:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          1620: %%
        !          1621: Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
        !          1622: %%
        !          1623: Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
        !          1624: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
        !          1625: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
        !          1626: %%
        !          1627: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
        !          1628:                -- Disraeli
        !          1629: %%
        !          1630: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
        !          1631:                -- J. D. Salinger
        !          1632: %%
        !          1633: Please take note:
        !          1634: %%
        !          1635: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
        !          1636:                -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
        !          1637: %%
        !          1638: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
        !          1639: Violators will be prosecuted.
        !          1640: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
        !          1641: %%
        !          1642: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
        !          1643:                -- Alfred Kahn
        !          1644: %%
        !          1645: gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
        !          1646: also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
        !          1647: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
        !          1648: mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
        !          1649: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
        !          1650: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
        !          1651: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
        !          1652:                -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
        !          1653: %%
        !          1654: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
        !          1655: %%
        !          1656: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
        !          1657: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
        !          1658: %%
        !          1659: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
        !          1660: you should.
        !          1661: %%
        !          1662: United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
        !          1663: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
        !          1664: all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
        !          1665: all the patriots of every persuasion.
        !          1666: 
        !          1667: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
        !          1668: world.
        !          1669:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          1670: %%
        !          1671: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
        !          1672: superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
        !          1673:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          1674: %%
        !          1675: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
        !          1676: sense from things she found in gift shops.
        !          1677:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
        !          1678: %%
        !          1679: Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
        !          1680: word what you shouldn't have said.
        !          1681: %%
        !          1682: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
        !          1683: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
        !          1684: %%
        !          1685: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
        !          1686: tellers?
        !          1687: %%
        !          1688: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
        !          1689: %%
        !          1690: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
        !          1691: Let me clue you in;
        !          1692: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
        !          1693: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
        !          1694: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.  The cool Brutus
        !          1695: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
        !          1696: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
        !          1697: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
        !          1698: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
        !          1699: So are they all, all cool cats, --
        !          1700: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
        !          1701: %%
        !          1702: Now I lay me down to sleep
        !          1703: I pray the double lock will keep;
        !          1704: May no brick through the window break,
        !          1705: And, no one rob me till I awake.
        !          1706: %%
        !          1707: Did you know...
        !          1708: 
        !          1709: That no-one ever reads these things?
        !          1710: %%
        !          1711: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
        !          1712: The Duke is fond of kittens
        !          1713: He likes to take their insides out
        !          1714: And use them for his mittens
        !          1715:        From "The Thirteen Clocks"
        !          1716: %%
        !          1717: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
        !          1718: %%
        !          1719: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
        !          1720: %%
        !          1721: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
        !          1722:                -- Prof. Steiner
        !          1723: %%
        !          1724: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
        !          1725:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          1726: %%
        !          1727: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
        !          1728:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          1729: %%
        !          1730: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
        !          1731: guarantee of eventual success.
        !          1732: %%
        !          1733: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
        !          1734: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
        !          1735: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
        !          1736: %%
        !          1737:        ...But among the children of the Great Society there were
        !          1738: those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
        !          1739: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
        !          1740:        Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
        !          1741: they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
        !          1742: people go to the front of the bus."
        !          1743:        But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
        !          1744: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
        !          1745: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
        !          1746: unto a snowball in Hell."
        !          1747: %%
        !          1748: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
        !          1749: %%
        !          1750: $3,000,000
        !          1751: %%
        !          1752: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
        !          1753: problem.
        !          1754: %%
        !          1755: 77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
        !          1756: 
        !          1757: ------- (7)    This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
        !          1758: --- --- (8)    boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
        !          1759: ------- (7)    smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
        !          1760: ---O--- (6)    on an accounting system, when you want to develop
        !          1761: ---X--- (9)    the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
        !          1762: --- --- (8)    to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
        !          1763: 
        !          1764: Nine in the second place means:
        !          1765:        The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
        !          1766: 
        !          1767: Six in the third place means:
        !          1768:        In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
        !          1769:        Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
        !          1770: %%
        !          1771: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
        !          1772: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
        !          1773: (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
        !          1774: Americans call him by value.
        !          1775: %%
        !          1776: The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
        !          1777: increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
        !          1778: %%
        !          1779: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
        !          1780: you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
        !          1781: ice, but no cup.
        !          1782: %%
        !          1783: Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
        !          1784: %%
        !          1785: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
        !          1786: %%
        !          1787: Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
        !          1788: %%
        !          1789: Those who can't write, write manuals.
        !          1790: %%
        !          1791: Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
        !          1792: in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
        !          1793: the room is punishable under law:
        !          1794: 
        !          1795: Name   #
        !          1796: %%
        !          1797: You might have mail
        !          1798: %%
        !          1799: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
        !          1800: %%
        !          1801: Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
        !          1802: %%
        !          1803: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
        !          1804: %%
        !          1805: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
        !          1806: %%
        !          1807: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
        !          1808: %%
        !          1809: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
        !          1810: take a bath...
        !          1811: %%
        !          1812: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
        !          1813: eyes..."
        !          1814: %%
        !          1815: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
        !          1816: flag.
        !          1817: %%
        !          1818: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
        !          1819: avoid responsibility with?
        !          1820: %%
        !          1821: SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
        !          1822: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
        !          1823: %%
        !          1824: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
        !          1825: average man can see better than he can think.
        !          1826: %%
        !          1827: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
        !          1828: child, was propounded to me by my father:
        !          1829:     "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
        !          1830:     I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
        !          1831: gave up.
        !          1832:     "A herring," said my father.
        !          1833:     "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
        !          1834:     "So hang it there."
        !          1835:     "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
        !          1836:     "Paint it."
        !          1837:     "But a herring isn't wet."
        !          1838:     "If its just painted its still wet."
        !          1839:     "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
        !          1840: doesn't whistle!!"
        !          1841:     "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
        !          1842:                -- Leo Rosten
        !          1843: %%
        !          1844: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
        !          1845:                -- Yiddish saying
        !          1846: %%
        !          1847: Waiter:        "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
        !          1848: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
        !          1849: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        !          1850:        (Waiter exits, returns)
        !          1851: Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
        !          1852: %%
        !          1853:        On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
        !          1854: receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
        !          1855: income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
        !          1856: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
        !          1857:        "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
        !          1858: route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
        !          1859:        "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
        !          1860: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
        !          1861: worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
        !          1862: %%
        !          1863: The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
        !          1864: said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
        !          1865:      "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
        !          1866:      "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
        !          1867: %%
        !          1868: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
        !          1869: people.
        !          1870:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          1871: %%
        !          1872: There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
        !          1873: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
        !          1874:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1875: %%
        !          1876: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
        !          1877: it.
        !          1878: %%
        !          1879: Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
        !          1880: change.
        !          1881: %%
        !          1882: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
        !          1883: %%
        !          1884: Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
        !          1885: tickets.
        !          1886: %%
        !          1887: Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
        !          1888: %%
        !          1889: Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
        !          1890: %%
        !          1891: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
        !          1892: thing he tells you.
        !          1893: %%
        !          1894: Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
        !          1895: %%
        !          1896: You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
        !          1897: %%
        !          1898: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
        !          1899: today.
        !          1900: %%
        !          1901: Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
        !          1902: %%
        !          1903: Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
        !          1904: %%
        !          1905: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
        !          1906: and last month in advance.
        !          1907: %%
        !          1908: Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
        !          1909: %%
        !          1910: You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
        !          1911: %%
        !          1912: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
        !          1913: %%
        !          1914: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
        !          1915: %%
        !          1916: Don't feed the bats tonight.
        !          1917: %%
        !          1918: Stay away from flying saucers today.
        !          1919: %%
        !          1920: You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
        !          1921: %%
        !          1922: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
        !          1923: %%
        !          1924: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
        !          1925: %%
        !          1926: Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
        !          1927: %%
        !          1928: Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
        !          1929: %%
        !          1930: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          1931: %%
        !          1932: Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
        !          1933: %%
        !          1934: Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
        !          1935: %%
        !          1936: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
        !          1937: %%
        !          1938: Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
        !          1939: get used to it.
        !          1940: %%
        !          1941: Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
        !          1942: %%
        !          1943: Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
        !          1944: %%
        !          1945: Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
        !          1946: %%
        !          1947: You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
        !          1948: executive.
        !          1949: %%
        !          1950: Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
        !          1951: %%
        !          1952: Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
        !          1953: %%
        !          1954: Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
        !          1955: computer crashes.
        !          1956: %%
        !          1957: Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
        !          1958: %%
        !          1959: Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
        !          1960: a new town.
        !          1961: %%
        !          1962: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
        !          1963: tomorrow!
        !          1964: %%
        !          1965: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
        !          1966: %%
        !          1967: You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
        !          1968: to worry.
        !          1969: %%
        !          1970: Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
        !          1971: %%
        !          1972: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
        !          1973: nails.
        !          1974: %%
        !          1975: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          1976: %%
        !          1977: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
        !          1978: %%
        !          1979: Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
        !          1980: they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
        !          1981: a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
        !          1982: %%
        !          1983: Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
        !          1984: of another.
        !          1985: %%
        !          1986: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
        !          1987: they charge fifteen cents for them.
        !          1988: %%
        !          1989: Question:
        !          1990: Man Invented Alcohol,
        !          1991: God Invented Grass.
        !          1992: Who do you trust?
        !          1993: %%
        !          1994: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
        !          1995: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
        !          1996: %%
        !          1997: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
        !          1998: %%
        !          1999: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
        !          2000: otherwise require harder thinking.
        !          2001:                -- Jerome Lettvin
        !          2002: %%
        !          2003: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
        !          2004: writing.
        !          2005:                -- R. Geis
        !          2006: %%
        !          2007: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
        !          2008: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        !          2009:                -- D. J. Hicks
        !          2010: %%
        !          2011: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
        !          2012: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
        !          2013: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
        !          2014: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
        !          2015: talked about.
        !          2016:                -- Lazarus Long
        !          2017: %%
        !          2018: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
        !          2019:                -- Peter S. Beagle
        !          2020: %%
        !          2021: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
        !          2022: %%
        !          2023: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
        !          2024: totally worthless.
        !          2025: %%
        !          2026: Wasting time is an important part of living.
        !          2027: %%
        !          2028: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
        !          2029: has been discontinued.
        !          2030: %%
        !          2031: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
        !          2032: life.
        !          2033: %%
        !          2034: Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
        !          2035: %%
        !          2036: Excellent time to become a missing person.
        !          2037: %%
        !          2038: A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
        !          2039: %%
        !          2040: Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
        !          2041: %%
        !          2042: Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
        !          2043: %%
        !          2044: Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
        !          2045: %%
        !          2046: Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
        !          2047: %%
        !          2048: Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
        !          2049: %%
        !          2050: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
        !          2051: %%
        !          2052: Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
        !          2053: %%
        !          2054: You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
        !          2055: %%
        !          2056: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
        !          2057: in eucalyptus trees.
        !          2058: %%
        !          2059: Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
        !          2060: %%
        !          2061: Avoid reality at all costs.
        !          2062: %%
        !          2063: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
        !          2064: %%
        !          2065: Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
        !          2066: have a lucky day this year.
        !          2067: %%
        !          2068: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
        !          2069: this sort of trash.
        !          2070: %%
        !          2071: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
        !          2072: %%
        !          2073: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
        !          2074: %%
        !          2075: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
        !          2076: %%
        !          2077: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
        !          2078: %%
        !          2079: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
        !          2080: Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
        !          2081: %%
        !          2082:        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
        !          2083: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
        !          2084: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
        !          2085: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
        !          2086: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
        !          2087: 
        !          2088:        "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
        !          2089: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
        !          2090: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
        !          2091: -- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
        !          2092: 
        !          2093:        "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
        !          2094: 
        !          2095:        Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
        !          2096: 
        !          2097:                -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
        !          2098: %%
        !          2099: I really hate this damned machine
        !          2100: I wish that they would sell it.
        !          2101: It never does quite what I want
        !          2102: But only what I tell it.
        !          2103: %%
        !          2104: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
        !          2105: %%
        !          2106: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
        !          2107: %%
        !          2108: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
        !          2109: %%
        !          2110: Vote anarchist
        !          2111: %%
        !          2112: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
        !          2113: %%
        !          2114: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
        !          2115: %%
        !          2116: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
        !          2117: %%
        !          2118: Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
        !          2119: %%
        !          2120: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
        !          2121: %%
        !          2122: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
        !          2123: will be temporarily canceled.
        !          2124: %%
        !          2125: Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
        !          2126: %%
        !          2127: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
        !          2128: for a dial tone.
        !          2129: %%
        !          2130: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
        !          2131: %%
        !          2132: Condense soup, not books!
        !          2133: %%
        !          2134: The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
        !          2135: %%
        !          2136: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
        !          2137: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
        !          2138: %%
        !          2139: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
        !          2140: %%
        !          2141: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
        !          2142: %%
        !          2143: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
        !          2144: %%
        !          2145: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
        !          2146: %%
        !          2147: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
        !          2148: %%
        !          2149: Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
        !          2150: %%
        !          2151: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
        !          2152: %%
        !          2153: Hire the morally handicapped.
        !          2154: %%
        !          2155: I can resist anything but temptation.
        !          2156: %%
        !          2157: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
        !          2158: %%
        !          2159: Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
        !          2160: %%
        !          2161: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
        !          2162: %%
        !          2163: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
        !          2164: %%
        !          2165: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        !          2166:        Western Civilization?
        !          2167: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
        !          2168: %%
        !          2169: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
        !          2170: %%
        !          2171: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
        !          2172: %%
        !          2173: "All flesh is grass"
        !          2174:     -- Isiah
        !          2175: Smoke a friend today.
        !          2176: %%
        !          2177: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
        !          2178: %%
        !          2179: George Orwell was an optimist.
        !          2180: %%
        !          2181: Chicken Little was right.
        !          2182: %%
        !          2183: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
        !          2184: %%
        !          2185: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
        !          2186: %%
        !          2187: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
        !          2188: %%
        !          2189: Cleveland still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.
        !          2190: %%
        !          2191: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
        !          2192: %%
        !          2193: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
        !          2194: %%
        !          2195: Hail to the sun god
        !          2196: He sure is a fun god
        !          2197: Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
        !          2198: %%
        !          2199: Brain fried -- Core dumped
        !          2200: %%
        !          2201: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
        !          2202: %%
        !          2203: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
        !          2204: once.
        !          2205: %%
        !          2206: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
        !          2207: hands.
        !          2208: %%
        !          2209: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
        !          2210: %%
        !          2211: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
        !          2212: %%
        !          2213: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
        !          2214: %%
        !          2215: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
        !          2216: %%
        !          2217: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
        !          2218: A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
        !          2219: %%
        !          2220: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        !          2221:                -- Salvor Hardin
        !          2222: %%
        !          2223: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
        !          2224: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
        !          2225: %%
        !          2226: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
        !          2227: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
        !          2228: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
        !          2229: %%
        !          2230: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
        !          2231: %%
        !          2232: Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
        !          2233: %%
        !          2234: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
        !          2235: %%
        !          2236: Down with categorical imperative!
        !          2237: %%
        !          2238: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
        !          2239: %%
        !          2240: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
        !          2241: %%
        !          2242: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
        !          2243: %%
        !          2244: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
        !          2245: %%
        !          2246: Lysistrata had a good idea.
        !          2247: %%
        !          2248: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
        !          2249: %%
        !          2250: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
        !          2251: %%
        !          2252: Familiarity breeds attempt
        !          2253: %%
        !          2254: Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
        !          2255: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
        !          2256: bomb.
        !          2257: %%
        !          2258: Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
        !          2259: %%
        !          2260: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
        !          2261: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
        !          2262: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
        !          2263: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
        !          2264: not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
        !          2265: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
        !          2266: others who have tried it.
        !          2267: %%
        !          2268: Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
        !          2269: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
        !          2270: %%
        !          2271: Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
        !          2272: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
        !          2273: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
        !          2274: %%
        !          2275: Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
        !          2276: %%
        !          2277: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
        !          2278: and then pulled an all-nighter.
        !          2279: %%
        !          2280: God is a polythiest
        !          2281: %%
        !          2282: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
        !          2283: %%
        !          2284: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
        !          2285: %%
        !          2286:        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
        !          2287: asked the father of his little son.
        !          2288:        "Diet."
        !          2289: %%
        !          2290: Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
        !          2291: ourselves.
        !          2292: %%
        !          2293: Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
        !          2294: %%
        !          2295: "Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
        !          2296: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
        !          2297: %%
        !          2298: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
        !          2299: to work.
        !          2300: %%
        !          2301: "That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
        !          2302: %%
        !          2303: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
        !          2304: at the steam fitters' picnic.
        !          2305: %%
        !          2306: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
        !          2307: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        !          2308:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          2309: %%
        !          2310: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
        !          2311:                -- R. Geis
        !          2312: %%
        !          2313: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
        !          2314: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
        !          2315:                -- Lewis Carroll
        !          2316: %%
        !          2317: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        !          2318:                -- Hawkwind
        !          2319: %%
        !          2320: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
        !          2321: %%
        !          2322: There was a young poet named Dan,
        !          2323: Whose poetry never would scan.
        !          2324:        When told this was so,
        !          2325:        He said, "Yes, I know.
        !          2326: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
        !          2327: %%
        !          2328: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
        !          2329: Into space that is quite economical.
        !          2330:        But the good ones I've seen
        !          2331:        So seldom are clean,
        !          2332: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
        !          2333: %%
        !          2334: "We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
        !          2335: %%
        !          2336: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
        !          2337: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
        !          2338: %%
        !          2339: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
        !          2340:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          2341: %%
        !          2342: God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
        !          2343: %%
        !          2344: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        !          2345:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          2346: %%
        !          2347: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
        !          2348: harder.
        !          2349:                -- Pope John Paul I
        !          2350: %%
        !          2351: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
        !          2352: what it is I'll get married again.
        !          2353:                -- Clint Eastwood
        !          2354: %%
        !          2355: Flappity, floppity, flip
        !          2356: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
        !          2357:        The strip revolved,
        !          2358:        The mouse dissolved
        !          2359: In a chronodimensional skip.
        !          2360: %%
        !          2361: ...And malt does more than Milton can
        !          2362: to justify God's ways to man
        !          2363:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          2364: %%
        !          2365: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
        !          2366: 
        !          2367:        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        !          2368:        When it's converted to energy?
        !          2369:        There is a slight loss of parity.
        !          2370:        Johnny's so long at the fair.
        !          2371: %%
        !          2372: PLUNDERER'S THEME
        !          2373: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
        !          2374: 
        !          2375: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          2376: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
        !          2377: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
        !          2378: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          2379: %%
        !          2380: IBM had a PL/I,
        !          2381:        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
        !          2382: And everywhere this language went,
        !          2383:        It was a total loss.
        !          2384: %%
        !          2385: System/3!  System/3!
        !          2386: See how it runs!  See how it runs!
        !          2387:        Its monitor loses so totally!
        !          2388:        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        !          2389:        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
        !          2390: System/3!
        !          2391: %%
        !          2392: As I was passing Project MAC,
        !          2393: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
        !          2394: Every hack had seven bugs;
        !          2395: Every bug had seven manifestations;
        !          2396: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
        !          2397: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
        !          2398: How many losses at Project MAC?
        !          2399: %%
        !          2400: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
        !          2401: Take not a single bit!
        !          2402: It used to point to me,
        !          2403: Now I'm protecting it.
        !          2404: It was the reader's CONS
        !          2405: That made it, paired by dot;
        !          2406: Now, GC, for the nonce,
        !          2407: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
        !          2408: %%
        !          2409: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          2410: 99 blocks of crud!
        !          2411: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          2412: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
        !          2413: 
        !          2414: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          2415: 100 blocks of crud!
        !          2416: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          2417: 101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
        !          2418: %%
        !          2419: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
        !          2420: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
        !          2421: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
        !          2422: And Cory raths outgrave.
        !          2423: 
        !          2424: "Beware the software rot, my son!
        !          2425: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
        !          2426: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
        !          2427: The frumious system crash!"
        !          2428: %%
        !          2429: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:  "You see, wire
        !          2430: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
        !          2431: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
        !          2432: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
        !          2433: receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
        !          2434: %%
        !          2435: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        !          2436:        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
        !          2437: %%
        !          2438: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
        !          2439: are 50-50 it will.
        !          2440: %%
        !          2441: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
        !          2442: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
        !          2443: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
        !          2444: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
        !          2445: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
        !          2446: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
        !          2447: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
        !          2448: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
        !          2449: information in the first place."
        !          2450: 
        !          2451:                -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
        !          2452: %%
        !          2453: A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
        !          2454: %%
        !          2455: Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
        !          2456: body is better.
        !          2457:                -- Foolish Dictionary
        !          2458: %%
        !          2459: Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
        !          2460: %%
        !          2461: Accuracy: The vice of being right
        !          2462: %%
        !          2463: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
        !          2464: coughing."
        !          2465: %%
        !          2466: Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
        !          2467: %%
        !          2468: Adult: One old enough to know better.
        !          2469: %%
        !          2470: Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
        !          2471:                -- Thomas Jefferson
        !          2472: %%
        !          2473: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
        !          2474: example.
        !          2475:                -- La Rouchefoucauld
        !          2476: %%
        !          2477: Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
        !          2478: the morning.
        !          2479: %%
        !          2480: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
        !          2481: them keeps paying for it.
        !          2482:                -- Peggy Joyce
        !          2483: %%
        !          2484: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
        !          2485:                -- Charlie McCarthy
        !          2486: %%
        !          2487: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
        !          2488: to decadence without touching civilization.
        !          2489:                -- John O'Hara
        !          2490: %%
        !          2491: Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
        !          2492: %%
        !          2493: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
        !          2494: shoes.
        !          2495:                -- Mickey Mouse
        !          2496: %%
        !          2497: Ass: The masculine of "lass".
        !          2498: %%
        !          2499: Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
        !          2500: pedestrians.
        !          2501: %%
        !          2502: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
        !          2503: responsibility at the other.
        !          2504: %%
        !          2505: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
        !          2506: out of a divorce.
        !          2507:                -- Don Quinn
        !          2508: %%
        !          2509: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
        !          2510: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
        !          2511:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2512: %%
        !          2513: Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
        !          2514: %%
        !          2515: Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
        !          2516: %%
        !          2517: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
        !          2518: as afterward.
        !          2519: %%
        !          2520: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
        !          2521:                -- Fred Allen
        !          2522: %%
        !          2523: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
        !          2524: poor to protect them from each other.
        !          2525: %%
        !          2526: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
        !          2527: effort to teach them good manners.
        !          2528: %%
        !          2529: Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
        !          2530: %%
        !          2531: Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
        !          2532: tobacco in between.
        !          2533: %%
        !          2534: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
        !          2535:                -- Herbert Prochnow
        !          2536: %%
        !          2537: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
        !          2538: elsewhere."
        !          2539: %%
        !          2540: Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
        !          2541: that the other fellow can spell.
        !          2542: %%
        !          2543: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
        !          2544: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
        !          2545: the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
        !          2546: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
        !          2547: loss to humanity.
        !          2548:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2549: %%
        !          2550: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
        !          2551:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2552: %%
        !          2553: Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
        !          2554: breath is called the listener.
        !          2555: %%
        !          2556: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
        !          2557: Corner, Vermont."
        !          2558:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          2559: %%
        !          2560: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
        !          2561: eat.
        !          2562:                -- John McNulty
        !          2563: %%
        !          2564: Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
        !          2565: %%
        !          2566: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
        !          2567: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
        !          2568:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          2569: %%
        !          2570: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
        !          2571: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
        !          2572:                -- Senator Soaper
        !          2573: %%
        !          2574: Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
        !          2575:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          2576: %%
        !          2577: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
        !          2578: %%
        !          2579: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
        !          2580: fur coat.
        !          2581: %%
        !          2582: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
        !          2583: of being a damned fool.
        !          2584:                -- Bellamy Brooks
        !          2585: %%
        !          2586: Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
        !          2587: %%
        !          2588: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
        !          2589: mistake when you make it again.
        !          2590:                -- F. P. Jones
        !          2591: %%
        !          2592: "It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
        !          2593: hour!"
        !          2594:                -- Macy's
        !          2595: %%
        !          2596: Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
        !          2597: %%
        !          2598: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
        !          2599: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
        !          2600: %%
        !          2601: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
        !          2602: every six months.
        !          2603:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          2604: %%
        !          2605: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          2606: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          2607: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          2608: And a Sun Myung Moon!
        !          2609: 
        !          2610:                -- Maxwell Smart
        !          2611: %%
        !          2612: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
        !          2613: %%
        !          2614: There was a young lady from Hyde
        !          2615: Who ate a green apple and died.
        !          2616:        While her lover lamented
        !          2617:        The apple fermented
        !          2618: And made cider inside her inside.
        !          2619: %%
        !          2620: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
        !          2621: As Dame Fortune did intend,
        !          2622: Murphy would be there to tell me
        !          2623: The pot's at the other end.
        !          2624:                -- Bert Whitney
        !          2625: %%
        !          2626: Silverman's Law:
        !          2627:        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
        !          2628: %%
        !          2629: Hindsight is an exact science.
        !          2630: %%
        !          2631: Ducharme's Precept:
        !          2632:        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
        !          2633: %%
        !          2634: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
        !          2635: %%
        !          2636: Naeser's Law:
        !          2637:        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        !          2638:        damnfoolproof.
        !          2639: %%
        !          2640: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
        !          2641: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
        !          2642: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
        !          2643: exceed all expectations.
        !          2644:                -- Reverend Chichester
        !          2645: %%
        !          2646: The Third Law of Photography:
        !          2647:        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        !          2648:        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        !          2649:        the dark leaks out.
        !          2650: %%
        !          2651: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        !          2652:        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        !          2653:        it wasn't worth doing.
        !          2654: %%
        !          2655: Conway's Law:
        !          2656:        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        !          2657:        what is going on.
        !          2658: 
        !          2659:        This person must be fired.
        !          2660: %%
        !          2661: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
        !          2662: %%
        !          2663: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
        !          2664: give it back to them.
        !          2665: %%
        !          2666: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
        !          2667: doing.
        !          2668: %%
        !          2669: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
        !          2670: mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
        !          2671: Boss is reading it.
        !          2672: %%
        !          2673: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
        !          2674: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
        !          2675: %%
        !          2676: DeVries' Dilemma:
        !          2677:        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        !          2678:        hits the paper.
        !          2679: %%
        !          2680: When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
        !          2681: %%
        !          2682: Finagle's Creed:
        !          2683:        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
        !          2684: %%
        !          2685: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        !          2686:        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
        !          2687:            once.
        !          2688:        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
        !          2689:            points.
        !          2690: %%
        !          2691: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        !          2692:        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        !          2693:        reject the proposal.
        !          2694: %%
        !          2695: Jones' First Law:
        !          2696:        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        !          2697:        endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
        !          2698:        obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
        !          2699:        importance of their original contribution.
        !          2700: %%
        !          2701: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        !          2702:        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        !          2703:        handle.
        !          2704: %%
        !          2705: When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
        !          2706: modify the problem, not the remedy.
        !          2707: %%
        !          2708: Horngren's Observation:
        !          2709:        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
        !          2710: %%
        !          2711: First Rule of History:
        !          2712:        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        !          2713:        other.
        !          2714: %%
        !          2715: Hanlon's Razor:
        !          2716:        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        !          2717:        stupidity.
        !          2718: %%
        !          2719: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          2720:        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        !          2721:        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
        !          2722: Corollary:
        !          2723:        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        !          2724:        except study for that instructor's course.
        !          2725: %%
        !          2726: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          2727:        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
        !          2728: Corollary:
        !          2729:        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        !          2730:        live.
        !          2731: %%
        !          2732: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
        !          2733: knows what it is.
        !          2734: %%
        !          2735: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
        !          2736: %%
        !          2737: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
        !          2738: price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
        !          2739: means the price went way up.
        !          2740: %%
        !          2741: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        !          2742:        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        !          2743:        $19.95.
        !          2744: %%
        !          2745: Van Roy's Law:
        !          2746:        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
        !          2747: %%
        !          2748: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
        !          2749: on.
        !          2750: %%
        !          2751: Arthur's Laws of Love:
        !          2752:        1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
        !          2753:            remind them of someone else.
        !          2754:        2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
        !          2755:            be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
        !          2756:            of yourself in person.
        !          2757: %%
        !          2758: Colvard's Logical Premises:
        !          2759:        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        !          2760:        it won't.
        !          2761: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        !          2762:        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        !          2763:        attracted to.
        !          2764: Grelb's Commentary
        !          2765:        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
        !          2766: %%
        !          2767: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        !          2768:        Superiority is recessive.
        !          2769: %%
        !          2770: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
        !          2771: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
        !          2772: %%
        !          2773: Ducharm's Axiom:
        !          2774:        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        !          2775:        yourself as part of the problem.
        !          2776: %%
        !          2777: A Law of Computer Programming:
        !          2778:        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        !          2779:        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
        !          2780: %%
        !          2781: Turnaucka's Law:
        !          2782:        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        !          2783:        electrical cord.
        !          2784: %%
        !          2785: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
        !          2786: never have to stop and answer the phone.
        !          2787: %%
        !          2788: Bradley's Bromide:
        !          2789:        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        !          2790:        committee -- that will do them in.
        !          2791: %%
        !          2792: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
        !          2793: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
        !          2794: the computer.
        !          2795: %%
        !          2796: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
        !          2797: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
        !          2798: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
        !          2799: %%
        !          2800: Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
        !          2801: %%
        !          2802: Eleanor Rigby
        !          2803:        Sits at the keyboard
        !          2804:        And waits for a line on the screen
        !          2805: Lives in a dream
        !          2806: Waits for a signal
        !          2807:        Finding some code
        !          2808:        That will make the machine do some more.
        !          2809: What is it for?
        !          2810: 
        !          2811: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
        !          2812: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
        !          2813: %%
        !          2814: The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
        !          2815: it isn't here.
        !          2816:                -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
        !          2817: %%
        !          2818: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        !          2819:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          2820: %%
        !          2821: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        !          2822:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          2823: %%
        !          2824: Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
        !          2825:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !          2826: %%
        !          2827: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
        !          2828: in students.
        !          2829:                -- John Ciardi
        !          2830: %%
        !          2831: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
        !          2832: by the number of people in the group.
        !          2833: %%
        !          2834: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
        !          2835:                -- Jules de Gaultier
        !          2836: %%
        !          2837: Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
        !          2838: indigestion.
        !          2839: %%
        !          2840: Justice: A decision in your favor.
        !          2841: %%
        !          2842: Kin: An affliction of the blood
        !          2843: %%
        !          2844: Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
        !          2845: to date.
        !          2846: %%
        !          2847: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
        !          2848: world has ever seen.
        !          2849: %%
        !          2850: Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
        !          2851: %%
        !          2852: Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
        !          2853: %%
        !          2854: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        !          2855:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2856: %%
        !          2857: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
        !          2858: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
        !          2859:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          2860: %%
        !          2861: Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
        !          2862: %%
        !          2863: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
        !          2864: with a large fortune."
        !          2865: %%
        !          2866: Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
        !          2867:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          2868: %%
        !          2869: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
        !          2870: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
        !          2871: bread.
        !          2872:                -- Anatole France
        !          2873: %%
        !          2874: BLISS is ignorance
        !          2875: %%
        !          2876: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
        !          2877: 
        !          2878:   Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie       36 RITZ Crackers
        !          2879: 2 cups water                            2 cups sugar
        !          2880: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar             2 tablespoons lemon juice
        !          2881:   Grated rind of one lemon                Butter or margarine
        !          2882:   Cinnamon
        !          2883: 
        !          2884: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
        !          2885: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
        !          2886: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
        !          2887: juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
        !          2888: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
        !          2889: crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
        !          2890: steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
        !          2891: is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
        !          2892: 
        !          2893:                -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
        !          2894: %%
        !          2895: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
        !          2896: %%
        !          2897: The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
        !          2898:        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        !          2899:        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        !          2900:        one, and convert to the next higher units.
        !          2901: %%
        !          2902: Predestination was doomed from the start.
        !          2903: %%
        !          2904: Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
        !          2905: it holds the universe together...
        !          2906:                -- Carl Zwanzig
        !          2907: %%
        !          2908: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
        !          2909: %%
        !          2910: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
        !          2911: %%
        !          2912: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
        !          2913: %%
        !          2914: Love is sentimental measles.
        !          2915: %%
        !          2916: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
        !          2917: there is nothing in it.
        !          2918: %%
        !          2919: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
        !          2920: really make them think they'll hate you.
        !          2921: %%
        !          2922: I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
        !          2923: was to go away.
        !          2924: %%
        !          2925: If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
        !          2926: headed.
        !          2927: %%
        !          2928: "All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
        !          2929: sane."
        !          2930: %%
        !          2931: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
        !          2932: make the rubble bounce"
        !          2933:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          2934: %%
        !          2935: But scientists, who ought to know
        !          2936: Assure us that it must be so.
        !          2937: Oh, let us never, never doubt
        !          2938: What nobody is sure about.
        !          2939:                -- Hilaire Belloc
        !          2940: %%
        !          2941: The three laws of thermodynamics:
        !          2942: 
        !          2943: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
        !          2944: The Second Law:        The most you can accomplish by working is to break
        !          2945:                even.
        !          2946: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
        !          2947: %%
        !          2948: Famous last words:
        !          2949:        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        !          2950:        2) "You and what army?"
        !          2951:        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
        !          2952:            a cop."
        !          2953: %%
        !          2954: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        !          2955:        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        !          2956:        in kernel as it is in user!
        !          2957: %%
        !          2958: Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
        !          2959: 
        !          2960: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
        !          2961: the light comes on.
        !          2962: %%
        !          2963:        AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
        !          2964: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
        !          2965: a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
        !          2966: impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
        !          2967: again.  People think you are stupid.
        !          2968: %%
        !          2969:        PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
        !          2970: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
        !          2971: the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
        !          2972: people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
        !          2973: you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
        !          2974: animals.
        !          2975: %%
        !          2976:        ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
        !          2977: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
        !          2978: quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
        !          2979: nice.
        !          2980: %%
        !          2981:        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
        !          2982: You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
        !          2983: work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
        !          2984: You are a Communist.
        !          2985: %%
        !          2986:        GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
        !          2987: You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
        !          2988: are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
        !          2989: little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
        !          2990: incest.
        !          2991: %%
        !          2992:        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
        !          2993: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
        !          2994: think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
        !          2995: you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
        !          2996: Cancer people.
        !          2997: %%
        !          2998:        LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        !          2999: You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
        !          3000: Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
        !          3001: Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
        !          3002: %%
        !          3003:        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        !          3004: You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
        !          3005: sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
        !          3006: fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
        !          3007: %%
        !          3008:        LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        !          3009: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
        !          3010: you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
        !          3011: and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
        !          3012: All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
        !          3013: %%
        !          3014:        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
        !          3015: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
        !          3016: pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
        !          3017: people are murdered.
        !          3018: %%
        !          3019:        SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
        !          3020: You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
        !          3021: rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
        !          3022: drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
        !          3023: %%
        !          3024:        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
        !          3025: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
        !          3026: anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
        !          3027: importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
        !          3028: they take root and become trees.
        !          3029: %%
        !          3030: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
        !          3031:    San Francisco?
        !          3032: A: Both of them.
        !          3033: %%
        !          3034: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
        !          3035: %%
        !          3036: Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
        !          3037: %%
        !          3038:        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
        !          3039: about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
        !          3040: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
        !          3041: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
        !          3042: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
        !          3043: incredible surgical feat."
        !          3044:        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
        !          3045: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
        !          3046: that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
        !          3047: architect."
        !          3048:        The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
        !          3049: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
        !          3050: %%
        !          3051: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
        !          3052: government at all.
        !          3053: %%
        !          3054: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
        !          3055: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
        !          3056: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
        !          3057: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
        !          3058: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
        !          3059: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
        !          3060: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
        !          3061: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
        !          3062: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
        !          3063: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
        !          3064: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
        !          3065: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
        !          3066: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
        !          3067: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
        !          3068: %%
        !          3069: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
        !          3070: %%
        !          3071: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
        !          3072: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
        !          3073: atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
        !          3074:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3075: %%
        !          3076: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
        !          3077: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
        !          3078: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
        !          3079: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
        !          3080:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          3081: %%
        !          3082: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
        !          3083: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
        !          3084: to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
        !          3085: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
        !          3086: %%
        !          3087: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
        !          3088: 130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on
        !          3089: his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
        !          3090: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
        !          3091: %%
        !          3092: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
        !          3093:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          3094: %%
        !          3095: Laetrile is the pits
        !          3096: %%
        !          3097: Got Mole problems?
        !          3098: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
        !          3099: %%
        !          3100: There's no future in time travel
        !          3101: %%
        !          3102: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
        !          3103: %%
        !          3104: Time flies like an arrow
        !          3105: Fruit flies like a banana
        !          3106: %%
        !          3107: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
        !          3108: %%
        !          3109: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
        !          3110: %%
        !          3111: "Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
        !          3112: %%
        !          3113: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
        !          3114: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
        !          3115: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
        !          3116:                -- Bruce Leverett
        !          3117:                   "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
        !          3118: %%
        !          3119: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
        !          3120: three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
        !          3121: %%
        !          3122: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
        !          3123: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
        !          3124: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
        !          3125: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
        !          3126: dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
        !          3127: what's wrong."
        !          3128: %%
        !          3129: Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from
        !          3130: FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to
        !          3131: frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
        !          3132: sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
        !          3133: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
        !          3134: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
        !          3135: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
        !          3136: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
        !          3137: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
        !          3138: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
        !          3139: %%
        !          3140: USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
        !          3141: %%
        !          3142: Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
        !          3143: which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
        !          3144: full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
        !          3145: %%
        !          3146: Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
        !          3147: worst vegetable of next year.
        !          3148: %%
        !          3149: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
        !          3150: little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
        !          3151: now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
        !          3152: According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
        !          3153: %%
        !          3154: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
        !          3155: shortest, though.
        !          3156: %%
        !          3157: There once was a girl named Irene
        !          3158: Who lived on distilled kerosene
        !          3159:        But she started absorbin'
        !          3160:        A new hydrocarbon
        !          3161: And since then has never benzene.
        !          3162: %%
        !          3163: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
        !          3164: handicapped.
        !          3165:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          3166: %%
        !          3167: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
        !          3168: %%
        !          3169: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
        !          3170: World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
        !          3171:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          3172: %%
        !          3173: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        !          3174:                -- Eleanor Roosevelt
        !          3175: %%
        !          3176: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
        !          3177: %%
        !          3178: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
        !          3179: %%
        !          3180: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
        !          3181: %%
        !          3182: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
        !          3183:                -- Bill Hoest
        !          3184: %%
        !          3185: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          3186: A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
        !          3187: Californians trying to share the experience.
        !          3188: %%
        !          3189: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
        !          3190: %%
        !          3191: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
        !          3192: have poured on a waffle.
        !          3193: %%
        !          3194: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
        !          3195: %%
        !          3196: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
        !          3197: %%
        !          3198: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
        !          3199: %%
        !          3200: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
        !          3201: %%
        !          3202: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
        !          3203: hope I don't get run over again.
        !          3204: %%
        !          3205: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
        !          3206: %%
        !          3207: Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
        !          3208: %%
        !          3209: Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
        !          3210: their destitution of conscience.
        !          3211: %%
        !          3212: Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
        !          3213: himself from the sphere of exaction.
        !          3214: %%
        !          3215: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
        !          3216: %%
        !          3217: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
        !          3218: %%
        !          3219: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
        !          3220: %%
        !          3221: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
        !          3222: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
        !          3223: %%
        !          3224: Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
        !          3225: slandered.
        !          3226: %%
        !          3227: Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
        !          3228: dispel a source of error in an opponent.
        !          3229: %%
        !          3230: Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
        !          3231: %%
        !          3232: A computer, to print out a fact,
        !          3233: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
        !          3234:        But this output can be
        !          3235:        No more than debris,
        !          3236: If the input was short of exact.
        !          3237:                -- Gigo
        !          3238: %%
        !          3239: Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
        !          3240: %%
        !          3241: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
        !          3242: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
        !          3243: 
        !          3244: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
        !          3245: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
        !          3246: %%
        !          3247: Razors pain you;
        !          3248: Rivers are damp;
        !          3249: Acids stain you;
        !          3250: And drugs cause cramp.
        !          3251: Guns aren't lawful;
        !          3252: Nooses give;
        !          3253: Gas smells awful;
        !          3254: You might as well live.
        !          3255:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          3256: %%
        !          3257: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
        !          3258: to reform.
        !          3259:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3260: %%
        !          3261: There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
        !          3262:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          3263: %%
        !          3264: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
        !          3265:                --Oscar Wilde
        !          3266: %%
        !          3267: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
        !          3268:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3269: %%
        !          3270: About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
        !          3271: ends.
        !          3272:                -- Herbert Hoover
        !          3273: %%
        !          3274: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
        !          3275: that is not being talked about.
        !          3276:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3277: %%
        !          3278: The sun was shining on the sea,
        !          3279: Shining with all his might:
        !          3280: He did his very best to make
        !          3281: The billows smooth and bright --
        !          3282: And this was very odd, because it was
        !          3283: The middle of the night.
        !          3284:                -- Lewis Carroll
        !          3285: %%
        !          3286: It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
        !          3287: happens.
        !          3288:                -- Woody Allen.
        !          3289: %%
        !          3290: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
        !          3291: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
        !          3292:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3293: %%
        !          3294: I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
        !          3295:                -- Joe Walsh
        !          3296: %%
        !          3297: 43rd Law of Computing:
        !          3298:        Anything that can go wr
        !          3299: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
        !          3300: %%
        !          3301:                     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
        !          3302:                          by Mark Isaak
        !          3303: 
        !          3304:        Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
        !          3305: character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
        !          3306: hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
        !          3307: are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
        !          3308: BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
        !          3309: to him.
        !          3310:        So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
        !          3311: he met the traveling salesman.
        !          3312:        "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
        !          3313: in high-level language.
        !          3314:        "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
        !          3315: and Apples," commented Jack.
        !          3316:        "I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
        !          3317: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
        !          3318:        Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
        !          3319: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
        !          3320: started thrashing.
        !          3321:        "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
        !          3322: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
        !          3323: window...
        !          3324: %%
        !          3325:                      THE STORY OF CREATION
        !          3326:                               or
        !          3327:                         THE MYTH OF URK
        !          3328: 
        !          3329: In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
        !          3330: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
        !          3331: was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
        !          3332: registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
        !          3333: and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
        !          3334: Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
        !          3335: and there was morning, one interrupt...
        !          3336: 
        !          3337:                -- Rico Tudor
        !          3338: %%
        !          3339: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
        !          3340:                -- Lazarus Long
        !          3341: %%
        !          3342: FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
        !          3343: the little hand is on the ....
        !          3344: %%
        !          3345: Only God can make random selections.
        !          3346: %%
        !          3347: Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
        !          3348: bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
        !          3349: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
        !          3350: 
        !          3351:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          3352: %%
        !          3353: Limericks are art forms complex,
        !          3354: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        !          3355:        They usually have virgins,
        !          3356:        And masculine urgin's,
        !          3357: And other erotic effects.
        !          3358: %%
        !          3359: Kinkler's First Law:
        !          3360:        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
        !          3361: 
        !          3362: Kinkler's Second Law:
        !          3363:        All the easy problems have been solved.
        !          3364: %%
        !          3365: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
        !          3366:                -- Bertold Brecht
        !          3367: %%
        !          3368: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
        !          3369: %%
        !          3370: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          3371: 
        !          3372: None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
        !          3373: the way.
        !          3374: %%
        !          3375: University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
        !          3376: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
        !          3377: fix it, and ...
        !          3378: %%
        !          3379: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          3380: None: "We'll fix it in software."
        !          3381: 
        !          3382: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          3383: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
        !          3384: 
        !          3385: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          3386: None: "The user can work it out."
        !          3387: %%
        !          3388:                William Safire's Rules for Writers:
        !          3389: 
        !          3390: Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
        !          3391: be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
        !          3392: agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
        !          3393: out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
        !          3394: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
        !          3395: not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
        !          3396: conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
        !          3397: sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
        !          3398: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
        !          3399: words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
        !          3400: must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
        !          3401: linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
        !          3402: metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
        !          3403: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
        !          3404: writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
        !          3405: the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
        !          3406: viable alternatives.
        !          3407: %%
        !          3408: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
        !          3409:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3410: %%
        !          3411: Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
        !          3412: miss
        !          3413: %%
        !          3414: Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
        !          3415: %%
        !          3416: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
        !          3417: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
        !          3418: Let others think his heart is big,
        !          3419: I think it stupid of the Pig.
        !          3420: %%
        !          3421: I think that I shall never see
        !          3422: A billboard lovely as a tree.
        !          3423: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
        !          3424: I'll never see a tree at all.
        !          3425: %%
        !          3426: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
        !          3427: %%
        !          3428: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
        !          3429: %%
        !          3430: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
        !          3431: %%
        !          3432: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
        !          3433: %%
        !          3434: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
        !          3435: %%
        !          3436: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
        !          3437: enough cheese
        !          3438: %%
        !          3439: Whether you can hear it or not
        !          3440: The Universe is laughing behind your back
        !          3441: %%
        !          3442: Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
        !          3443: %%
        !          3444: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
        !          3445:                -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
        !          3446: %%
        !          3447: Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
        !          3448: aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
        !          3449: soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
        !          3450:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3451: %%
        !          3452:        There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
        !          3453: someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
        !          3454: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
        !          3455: Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
        !          3456: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
        !          3457: this?
        !          3458:        Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
        !          3459: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u
        !          3460: can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
        !          3461: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
        !          3462: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
        !          3463: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
        !          3464: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
        !          3465:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3466: %%
        !          3467:        An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
        !          3468: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
        !          3469:        "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
        !          3470: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
        !          3471: an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
        !          3472: hour seems like a minute."
        !          3473:        The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
        !          3474: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
        !          3475:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3476: %%
        !          3477: Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
        !          3478: 
        !          3479:        Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
        !          3480: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
        !          3481:        "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
        !          3482: Obvious, isn't it?
        !          3483:        Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
        !          3484: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
        !          3485: long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
        !          3486: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
        !          3487: so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
        !          3488: individuals and then grow....
        !          3489:        Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
        !          3490: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
        !          3491: everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
        !          3492: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
        !          3493: backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
        !          3494: think not, my friend, I think not.
        !          3495:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3496: %%
        !          3497: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
        !          3498: 
        !          3499:        Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
        !          3500: at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
        !          3501: saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
        !          3502: though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
        !          3503:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3504: %%
        !          3505: Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
        !          3506: as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
        !          3507: 
        !          3508:        "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
        !          3509: Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
        !          3510: Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
        !          3511:        "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
        !          3512: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
        !          3513: Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
        !          3514: Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
        !          3515: goyish.  Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
        !          3516: Jews won't go near them..."
        !          3517: 
        !          3518:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3519: %%
        !          3520: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
        !          3521: create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
        !          3522: retail."
        !          3523:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3524: %%
        !          3525: Half-done:  This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
        !          3526: still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
        !          3527: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
        !          3528: the the difference between life and death.
        !          3529:        You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
        !          3530: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
        !          3531: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
        !          3532: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
        !          3533: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
        !          3534: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
        !          3535: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
        !          3536:        Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
        !          3537:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3538: %%
        !          3539:        A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
        !          3540: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
        !          3541:        "No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
        !          3542: and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
        !          3543:        "But the collar is up around my ears!"
        !          3544:        "It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
        !          3545: more...that's it."
        !          3546:        "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
        !          3547:        "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
        !          3548: go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
        !          3549:        So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
        !          3550: street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
        !          3551:        "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
        !          3552:        "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
        !          3553:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3554: %%
        !          3555:        Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
        !          3556: Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
        !          3557: pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
        !          3558: military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
        !          3559: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
        !          3560:        They can't prove who they are because they've left their
        !          3561: passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
        !          3562: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
        !          3563: movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
        !          3564: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
        !          3565:        The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
        !          3566: they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
        !          3567: if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
        !          3568: her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
        !          3569: possible, and turns to Murray.
        !          3570:        "This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
        !          3571: spits in the sergeants face.
        !          3572:        "Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
        !          3573:                -- Arthur Naiman
        !          3574: %%
        !          3575: Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
        !          3576: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
        !          3577:        A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
        !          3578: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
        !          3579:        A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
        !          3580: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
        !          3581: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
        !          3582:        The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
        !          3583: am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
        !          3584: he's nobody!"
        !          3585: %%
        !          3586: "I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
        !          3587:                -- Paul McCracken
        !          3588: %%
        !          3589: Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
        !          3590: have nothing whatever to do with it.
        !          3591:                -- W. Somerset Maughm
        !          3592: %%
        !          3593: Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
        !          3594:                -- George Saunders' dying words
        !          3595: %%
        !          3596: Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
        !          3597: conventional thing to happen to him.
        !          3598:                -- John Barrymore's dying words
        !          3599: %%
        !          3600: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
        !          3601: %%
        !          3602: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
        !          3603: one.
        !          3604: %%
        !          3605: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
        !          3606: %%
        !          3607: Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
        !          3608: %%
        !          3609: Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
        !          3610: written and another for which it wasn't.
        !          3611: %%
        !          3612: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
        !          3613: him up.
        !          3614: %%
        !          3615: Optimization hinders evolution.
        !          3616: %%
        !          3617: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
        !          3618: not worth knowing.
        !          3619: %%
        !          3620: Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
        !          3621: taught how _n_o_t to.  So it is with the great programmers.
        !          3622: %%
        !          3623: Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
        !          3624: describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
        !          3625: described with pictures.
        !          3626: %%
        !          3627: There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
        !          3628: works.
        !          3629: %%
        !          3630: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
        !          3631: variable."
        !          3632: %%
        !          3633: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
        !          3634: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
        !          3635: %%
        !          3636: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
        !          3637: revitalize the corner saloon.
        !          3638: %%
        !          3639: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
        !          3640: nothing of interest is easy.
        !          3641: %%
        !          3642: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
        !          3643: nothing.
        !          3644: %%
        !          3645: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
        !          3646: versa.
        !          3647: %%
        !          3648: In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
        !          3649: programming languages.
        !          3650: %%
        !          3651: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
        !          3652: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
        !          3653: %%
        !          3654: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
        !          3655: meant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a
        !          3656: soap bubble?
        !          3657: %%
        !          3658: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
        !          3659: in God.
        !          3660: %%
        !          3661: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
        !          3662: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
        !          3663: %%
        !          3664: Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also
        !          3665: easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
        !          3666: improve.
        !          3667: %%
        !          3668: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
        !          3669: %%
        !          3670: Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
        !          3671: %%
        !          3672: Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
        !          3673: automation?
        !          3674: %%
        !          3675: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
        !          3676: %%
        !          3677: Be different: conform.
        !          3678: %%
        !          3679: Save energy: be apathetic.
        !          3680: %%
        !          3681: I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
        !          3682:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3683: %%
        !          3684: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
        !          3685: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          3686: 
        !          3687: Q: How long does it take?
        !          3688: A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
        !          3689: brought with them.
        !          3690: 
        !          3691: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
        !          3692: A: They replace your generator.
        !          3693: %%
        !          3694:        Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
        !          3695: 
        !          3696:        He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
        !          3697: Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
        !          3698: open market.
        !          3699: 
        !          3700:        If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
        !          3701: should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
        !          3702: himself.
        !          3703: 
        !          3704:        Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
        !          3705:        Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
        !          3706:        Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
        !          3707: 
        !          3708:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3709: %%
        !          3710: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
        !          3711: %%
        !          3712:        A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
        !          3713: 
        !          3714:        And he answered:
        !          3715:        It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for
        !          3716: existence.
        !          3717:        It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their
        !          3718: backs.
        !          3719:        It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
        !          3720: to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
        !          3721: have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
        !          3722: 
        !          3723:        And that is Fate?  said the priest.
        !          3724: 
        !          3725:        Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
        !          3726: 
        !          3727:        That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
        !          3728: what Freight was too.
        !          3729: 
        !          3730:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3731: %%
        !          3732: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
        !          3733: lightly greased."
        !          3734:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3735: %%
        !          3736: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
        !          3737:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3738: %%
        !          3739: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
        !          3740:                -- Kehlog Albran
        !          3741: %%
        !          3742: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
        !          3743:                -- Dr. Who
        !          3744: %%
        !          3745: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
        !          3746: immune to bullets"
        !          3747:                -- The Brigader, from Dr. Who
        !          3748: %%
        !          3749: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        !          3750:        Support your right to bare arms!
        !          3751: %%
        !          3752: They also surf who only stand on waves.
        !          3753: %%
        !          3754: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
        !          3755:                -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
        !          3756: %%
        !          3757: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
        !          3758:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          3759: %%
        !          3760: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
        !          3761: the continuing viability of Fortran.
        !          3762:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          3763: %%
        !          3764: A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
        !          3765: nothing.
        !          3766:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          3767: %%
        !          3768: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
        !          3769:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          3770: %%
        !          3771: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
        !          3772: program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
        !          3773: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
        !          3774: self-critical?
        !          3775:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          3776: %%
        !          3777: "Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
        !          3778: bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
        !          3779: punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
        !          3780: bazingas, and such."
        !          3781:                -- N. Meyrowitz
        !          3782: %%
        !          3783: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
        !          3784: %%
        !          3785: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
        !          3786: [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
        !          3787:                -- Aelius Donatus
        !          3788: %%
        !          3789: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
        !          3790: invent it.
        !          3791: %%
        !          3792: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
        !          3793: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
        !          3794: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
        !          3795:                -- Voltaire
        !          3796: %%
        !          3797: The superfluous is very necessary.
        !          3798:                -- Voltaire
        !          3799: %%
        !          3800: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
        !          3801: virginity could be a virtue.
        !          3802:                -- Voltaire
        !          3803: %%
        !          3804: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
        !          3805: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
        !          3806: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
        !          3807: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
        !          3808: %%
        !          3809: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
        !          3810:        When all goes right and none goes wrong,
        !          3811: And isn't your life extremely flat
        !          3812:        With nothing whatever to grumble at!
        !          3813: %%
        !          3814: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
        !          3815:                -- A. P. Herbert
        !          3816: %%
        !          3817: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
        !          3818:                -- Trotsky
        !          3819: %%
        !          3820: It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
        !          3821:                -- Gore Vidal
        !          3822: %%
        !          3823: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
        !          3824: %%
        !          3825: The rain it raineth on the just
        !          3826:        And also on the unjust fella,
        !          3827: But chiefly on the just, because
        !          3828:        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
        !          3829: %%
        !          3830: The world's as ugly as sin,
        !          3831: And almost as delightful
        !          3832:                -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
        !          3833: %%
        !          3834:        "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
        !          3835: Candy
        !          3836: Is dandy
        !          3837: But liquor
        !          3838: Is quicker.
        !          3839: 
        !          3840:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          3841: %%
        !          3842: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
        !          3843:                -- Jules Feiffer
        !          3844: %%
        !          3845: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
        !          3846: them on the head.
        !          3847: %%
        !          3848: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
        !          3849: %%
        !          3850: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
        !          3851: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
        !          3852: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
        !          3853: inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
        !          3854: already happened.
        !          3855:                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
        !          3856: %%
        !          3857: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
        !          3858: and wrong.
        !          3859:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          3860: %%
        !          3861: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
        !          3862: %%
        !          3863: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
        !          3864:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          3865: %%
        !          3866: My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
        !          3867: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
        !          3868: sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
        !          3869: through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
        !          3870: listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
        !          3871: log out again.
        !          3872: %%
        !          3873: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
        !          3874: %%
        !          3875: "Grub first, then ethics."
        !          3876:                -- Bertolt Brecht
        !          3877: %%
        !          3878: "I drink to make other people interesting."
        !          3879:                -- George Jean Nathan
        !          3880: %%
        !          3881:                DETERIORATA
        !          3882: 
        !          3883: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
        !          3884: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
        !          3885: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
        !          3886: Rotate your tires.
        !          3887: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
        !          3888: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
        !          3889: Know what to kiss -- and when.
        !          3890: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
        !          3891: But that three do.
        !          3892: Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
        !          3893: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
        !          3894: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
        !          3895: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
        !          3896: 
        !          3897:      You are a fluke of the universe...
        !          3898:      You have no right to be here.
        !          3899:      Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
        !          3900:      Is laughing behind your back.
        !          3901: %%
        !          3902: %%
        !          3903: I sent a letter to the fish,
        !          3904: I told them, "This is what I wish."
        !          3905: The little fishes of the sea,
        !          3906: They sent an answer back to me.
        !          3907: The little fishes' answer was
        !          3908: "We cannot do it, sir, because..."
        !          3909: I sent a letter back to say
        !          3910: It would be better to obey.
        !          3911: But someone came to me and said
        !          3912: "The little fishes are in bed."
        !          3913: I said to him, and I said it plain
        !          3914: "Then you must wake them up again."
        !          3915: I said it very loud and clear,
        !          3916: I went and shouted in his ear.
        !          3917: But he was very stiff and proud,
        !          3918: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
        !          3919: And he was very proud and stiff,
        !          3920: He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
        !          3921: I took a kettle from the shelf,
        !          3922: I went to wake them up myself.
        !          3923: But when I found the door was locked
        !          3924: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
        !          3925: And when I found the door was shut,
        !          3926: I tried to turn the handle, But...
        !          3927: 
        !          3928:        "Is that all?" asked Alice.
        !          3929:        "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
        !          3930: %%
        !          3931: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
        !          3932:                -- Steven Feiner
        !          3933: %%
        !          3934: E Pluribus Unix
        !          3935: %%
        !          3936: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
        !          3937: %%
        !          3938: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
        !          3939: %%
        !          3940: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
        !          3941:                -- Edgar A. Shoaff
        !          3942: %%
        !          3943: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
        !          3944: more important to do.
        !          3945: %%
        !          3946: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
        !          3947: %%
        !          3948: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
        !          3949: importance.
        !          3950: %%
        !          3951: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
        !          3952: having to accomplish anything.
        !          3953: %%
        !          3954: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        !          3955: %%
        !          3956: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
        !          3957: %%
        !          3958: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
        !          3959: least until we've finished building it.
        !          3960: %%
        !          3961: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
        !          3962: %%
        !          3963: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
        !          3964: no one we know belongs.
        !          3965: %%
        !          3966: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
        !          3967: %%
        !          3968: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
        !          3969: %%
        !          3970: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
        !          3971: %%
        !          3972: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
        !          3973: nothing about.
        !          3974: %%
        !          3975: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
        !          3976: to compare it with.
        !          3977: %%
        !          3978: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
        !          3979: warning to others.
        !          3980: %%
        !          3981: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
        !          3982: call it the target.
        !          3983: %%
        !          3984: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
        !          3985: %%
        !          3986: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
        !          3987:                -- Andrew Young
        !          3988: %%
        !          3989: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
        !          3990: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
        !          3991: important thing to people.
        !          3992:                -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
        !          3993: %%
        !          3994: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
        !          3995:                -- J. Paul Getty
        !          3996: %%
        !          3997: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
        !          3998:                -- Milton Friedman
        !          3999: %%
        !          4000: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
        !          4001: down.
        !          4002: %%
        !          4003: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
        !          4004: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
        !          4005:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !          4006: %%
        !          4007: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
        !          4008:                -- Pogo
        !          4009: %%
        !          4010: Nothing recedes like success.
        !          4011:                -- Walter Winchell
        !          4012: %%
        !          4013: I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
        !          4014:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          4015: %%
        !          4016: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
        !          4017:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          4018: %%
        !          4019: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
        !          4020: the tree."
        !          4021:                -- Russell Long
        !          4022: %%
        !          4023: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
        !          4024: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
        !          4025:                -- Joseph Heller
        !          4026: %%
        !          4027: Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
        !          4028: be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
        !          4029:                -- Snoopy
        !          4030: %%
        !          4031: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
        !          4032: payments.
        !          4033:                -- Earl Wilson
        !          4034: %%
        !          4035: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
        !          4036: %%
        !          4037: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
        !          4038: error.
        !          4039:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          4040: %%
        !          4041: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
        !          4042: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
        !          4043:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          4044: %%
        !          4045: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
        !          4046:                -- Frank Lloyd Wright
        !          4047: %%
        !          4048: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
        !          4049: attacks democracy itself.
        !          4050:                -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
        !          4051: %%
        !          4052: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
        !          4053:                -- Eric Hoffer
        !          4054: %%
        !          4055: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
        !          4056: doubt.
        !          4057:                -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
        !          4058: %%
        !          4059: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
        !          4060: shopping center in the world?
        !          4061:                -- Richard Nixon
        !          4062: %%
        !          4063: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
        !          4064: %%
        !          4065:                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
        !          4066: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
        !          4067: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
        !          4068: %%
        !          4069:                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
        !          4070: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
        !          4071: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
        !          4072: %%
        !          4073: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
        !          4074: account be allowed to do the job.
        !          4075:                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
        !          4076: %%
        !          4077: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
        !          4078:                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
        !          4079: %%
        !          4080: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
        !          4081: 
        !          4082: Dear Sir,
        !          4083: 
        !          4084: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
        !          4085: to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
        !          4086: public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
        !          4087: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
        !          4088: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
        !          4089: agricultural industry.
        !          4090: 
        !          4091: Yours faithfully,
        !          4092:        Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
        !          4093:        Sevenoaks
        !          4094: %%
        !          4095: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
        !          4096: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
        !          4097: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ....  To him is
        !          4098: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
        !          4099: because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
        !          4100: fact, for he merely said:
        !          4101: 
        !          4102:        "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
        !          4103:        it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
        !          4104:        because it is impossible."
        !          4105: 
        !          4106: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
        !          4107: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
        !          4108: 
        !          4109:                -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
        !          4110: 
        !          4111: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
        !          4112: %%
        !          4113: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
        !          4114: %%
        !          4115: SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
        !          4116: %%
        !          4117: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
        !          4118: %%
        !          4119: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
        !          4120: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
        !          4121: discotheques.
        !          4122:                -- Art Linkletter
        !          4123: %%
        !          4124: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
        !          4125:                -- Frank Zappa
        !          4126: %%
        !          4127: Justice is incidental to law and order.
        !          4128:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !          4129: %%
        !          4130: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
        !          4131: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
        !          4132: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
        !          4133: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
        !          4134: world put together.
        !          4135:                -- Sir Peter Medawar
        !          4136: %%
        !          4137: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
        !          4138: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
        !          4139: %%
        !          4140: Flon's Law:
        !          4141:        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        !          4142:        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
        !          4143: %%
        !          4144:        GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
        !          4145: 
        !          4146: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
        !          4147: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
        !          4148: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
        !          4149: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
        !          4150: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
        !          4151: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
        !          4152: stood lookout.
        !          4153: %%
        !          4154: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
        !          4155: %%
        !          4156: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
        !          4157: that would be clearly understood."
        !          4158:                -- Alexander Haig
        !          4159: %%
        !          4160: This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
        !          4161: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
        !          4162: to go.
        !          4163: %%
        !          4164: To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
        !          4165:                -- Woody Allen
        !          4166: %%
        !          4167: "Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
        !          4168:                -- Jeff Berner
        !          4169: %%
        !          4170: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
        !          4171: %%
        !          4172: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
        !          4173: %%
        !          4174: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
        !          4175: %%
        !          4176: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
        !          4177: 
        !          4178: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
        !          4179: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
        !          4180: without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
        !          4181: contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
        !          4182: can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
        !          4183: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
        !          4184: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
        !          4185: and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
        !          4186: `fortune'.  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
        !          4187: you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
        !          4188: Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
        !          4189: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
        !          4190: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
        !          4191: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug....
        !          4192: %%
        !          4193: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
        !          4194:                -- Voltaire
        !          4195: %%
        !          4196: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
        !          4197: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          4198: %%
        !          4199: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
        !          4200: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
        !          4201: %%
        !          4202: SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
        !          4203: %%
        !          4204: POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
        !          4205: ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
        !          4206: Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
        !          4207:                -- Martin Pitt
        !          4208: %%
        !          4209: CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
        !          4210: 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
        !          4211: intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
        !          4212: of hot sex."
        !          4213:                -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
        !          4214: %%
        !          4215: ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
        !          4216: that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
        !          4217: formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
        !          4218: 'logy' ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to
        !          4219: swallow."
        !          4220:                -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota
        !          4221: %%
        !          4222:                Another Glitch in the Call
        !          4223:                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        !          4224:        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
        !          4225: 
        !          4226: We don't need no indirection
        !          4227: We don't need no flow control
        !          4228: No data typing or declarations
        !          4229: Did you leave the lists alone?
        !          4230: 
        !          4231:        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
        !          4232: 
        !          4233: Chorus:
        !          4234:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !          4235:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !          4236: %%
        !          4237: Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
        !          4238: %%
        !          4239: Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
        !          4240: %%
        !          4241: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
        !          4242: %%
        !          4243: Bumper sticker:
        !          4244: 
        !          4245: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
        !          4246: manufacture"
        !          4247: %%
        !          4248: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
        !          4249: 
        !          4250: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
        !          4251: 
        !          4252:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          4253: %%
        !          4254: I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
        !          4255: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
        !          4256: %%
        !          4257: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
        !          4258: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
        !          4259: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
        !          4260: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
        !          4261: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
        !          4262: are a pretty neat idea...
        !          4263: 
        !          4264:                -- Douglas Adams
        !          4265:                "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          4266: %%
        !          4267: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
        !          4268: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
        !          4269: fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
        !          4270: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
        !          4271: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
        !          4272: that so many people from point B are so keen to get t_h_e_r_e_.  They often
        !          4273: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
        !          4274: they wanted to be.
        !          4275: 
        !          4276:                -- Douglas Adams
        !          4277:                "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          4278: %%
        !          4279: Serocki's Stricture:
        !          4280:        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
        !          4281: %%
        !          4282: Virtue is its own punishment.
        !          4283: %%
        !          4284: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
        !          4285: %%
        !          4286: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
        !          4287: %%
        !          4288: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
        !          4289: respect their good judgement.
        !          4290: %%
        !          4291: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
        !          4292: that the system works.
        !          4293: %%
        !          4294: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
        !          4295: %%
        !          4296: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
        !          4297: %%
        !          4298: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
        !          4299: probably parked.
        !          4300: %%
        !          4301: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
        !          4302: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
        !          4303: %%
        !          4304: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
        !          4305: %%
        !          4306: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
        !          4307: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
        !          4308: %%
        !          4309: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
        !          4310: enlightened him with ours.
        !          4311: %%
        !          4312: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
        !          4313: it.
        !          4314: %%
        !          4315: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
        !          4316: %%
        !          4317: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
        !          4318: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
        !          4319: %%
        !          4320: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
        !          4321: appreciates how difficult it was.
        !          4322: %%
        !          4323: Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
        !          4324: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
        !          4325: %%
        !          4326: Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
        !          4327: constructive praise.
        !          4328: %%
        !          4329: History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
        !          4330: %%
        !          4331: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
        !          4332: another chance later on.
        !          4333: %%
        !          4334: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
        !          4335: make it complex and wonderful.
        !          4336: %%
        !          4337: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
        !          4338: exam.
        !          4339: %%
        !          4340: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
        !          4341: just how busy they are.
        !          4342: %%
        !          4343: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
        !          4344: fence.
        !          4345: %%
        !          4346: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
        !          4347: soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
        !          4348: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
        !          4349: %%
        !          4350: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
        !          4351: when well oiled.
        !          4352: %%
        !          4353: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
        !          4354: %%
        !          4355: Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
        !          4356: when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
        !          4357: %%
        !          4358: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
        !          4359: getting nervous.
        !          4360: %%
        !          4361: Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
        !          4362: away.
        !          4363: %%
        !          4364: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
        !          4365: back.
        !          4366: %%
        !          4367: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
        !          4368: %%
        !          4369: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
        !          4370: paint.
        !          4371: %%
        !          4372: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
        !          4373: crack in your sidewalk?
        !          4374: %%
        !          4375: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
        !          4376: %%
        !          4377: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
        !          4378: %%
        !          4379: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
        !          4380: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
        !          4381: %%
        !          4382: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
        !          4383: it tolls for thee.
        !          4384: %%
        !          4385: One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
        !          4386: %%
        !          4387: A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
        !          4388: the real reason.
        !          4389: %%
        !          4390: Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
        !          4391: playing golf with his boss.
        !          4392: %%
        !          4393: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
        !          4394: %%
        !          4395: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
        !          4396: %%
        !          4397: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
        !          4398: word you say, talk in your sleep.
        !          4399: %%
        !          4400: X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
        !          4401: imagination is the plot.
        !          4402: %%
        !          4403: People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
        !          4404: %%
        !          4405: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
        !          4406: tellers take economists seriously?
        !          4407: %%
        !          4408: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
        !          4409: unless it is an enemy.
        !          4410:                -- A. Einstein
        !          4411: %%
        !          4412: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
        !          4413: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
        !          4414: inexplicable."
        !          4415: 
        !          4416: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
        !          4417: 
        !          4418:                -- "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          4419: %%
        !          4420: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
        !          4421: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
        !          4422: scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
        !          4423: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
        !          4424: dimensional objects...
        !          4425: %%
        !          4426: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
        !          4427:                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
        !          4428: %%
        !          4429: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
        !          4430: other is to read Pope."
        !          4431:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          4432: %%
        !          4433: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
        !          4434:                -- Gypsy Rose Lee
        !          4435: %%
        !          4436:        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
        !          4437: the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
        !          4438: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
        !          4439: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
        !          4440:        "If what?" asked the composer.
        !          4441:        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
        !          4442: %%
        !          4443: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
        !          4444: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
        !          4445: out again, it would be a calamity."
        !          4446:                -- Benjamin Disraeli
        !          4447: %%
        !          4448: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
        !          4449: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
        !          4450: secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
        !          4451: 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
        !          4452: And that's your chance, my boy."
        !          4453: %%
        !          4454: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
        !          4455: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
        !          4456: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
        !          4457: the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
        !          4458: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
        !          4459: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
        !          4460: yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
        !          4461: man a lifetime."
        !          4462:                -- Thomas Aldrich
        !          4463: %%
        !          4464: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
        !          4465: the smallest amount of thoughts."
        !          4466:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          4467: %%
        !          4468: Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
        !          4469:        everyone glued in their seats!"
        !          4470: Oliver Herford:  "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
        !          4471:        it!"
        !          4472: %%
        !          4473: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
        !          4474: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
        !          4475: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
        !          4476:                -- Samuel Johnson
        !          4477: %%
        !          4478: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
        !          4479:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          4480: %%
        !          4481: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
        !          4482:                -- Mark Twain
        !          4483: %%
        !          4484: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
        !          4485: 
        !          4486: "This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
        !          4487: 
        !          4488:                -- Wolfgang Pauli
        !          4489: %%
        !          4490: Leibowitz's Rule:
        !          4491:        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        !          4492:        hold the hammer with both hands.
        !          4493: %%
        !          4494: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        !          4495:        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        !          4496:        of your eyes.
        !          4497: %%
        !          4498: Langsam's Laws:
        !          4499:        1) Everything depends.
        !          4500:        2) Nothing is always.
        !          4501:        3) Everything is sometimes.
        !          4502: %%
        !          4503: Law of Probable        Dispersal:
        !          4504:        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        !          4505:        distributed.
        !          4506: %%
        !          4507: Meader's Law:
        !          4508:        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        !          4509:        everyone you know, only more so.
        !          4510: %%
        !          4511: Fourth Law of Revision:
        !          4512:        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        !          4513:        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        !          4514:        you.
        !          4515: %%
        !          4516: Sodd's Second Law:
        !          4517:        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        !          4518:        bound to occur.
        !          4519: %%
        !          4520: Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
        !          4521: work.
        !          4522: %%
        !          4523: Rule of Defactualization:
        !          4524:        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
        !          4525: %%
        !          4526: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        !          4527:        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        !          4528:        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        !          4529:        question back at him.
        !          4530: %%
        !          4531: Anthony's Law of Force:
        !          4532:        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
        !          4533: %%
        !          4534: Ray's Rule of Precision:
        !          4535:        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
        !          4536: %%
        !          4537: Rule of Creative Research:
        !          4538:        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        !          4539:        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        !          4540:        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
        !          4541: %%
        !          4542: Barach's Rule:
        !          4543:        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        !          4544:        physician.
        !          4545: %%
        !          4546: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
        !          4547:        "All your papers these days look the same;
        !          4548: Those William's would be better unread --
        !          4549:        Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
        !          4550: 
        !          4551: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
        !          4552:        "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
        !          4553: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
        !          4554:        Made it pointless to think any more."
        !          4555: %%
        !          4556: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !          4557:        And make errors few people could bear;
        !          4558: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
        !          4559:        Do you really think this is quite fair?"
        !          4560: 
        !          4561: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
        !          4562:        "But my stature these days is so great
        !          4563: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
        !          4564:        And to stop me it's now far too late."
        !          4565: %%
        !          4566: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
        !          4567:        And there isn't one language you like;
        !          4568: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
        !          4569:        Have you thought about taking a hike?"
        !          4570: 
        !          4571: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
        !          4572:        "Every language looks equally bad;
        !          4573: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
        !          4574:        And don't realize that they've been had."
        !          4575: %%
        !          4576: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
        !          4577: That your lectures bore people to death.
        !          4578: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
        !          4579: Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
        !          4580: 
        !          4581: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
        !          4582: Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
        !          4583: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !          4584: Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
        !          4585: %%
        !          4586: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
        !          4587: and boot it when it crashes;
        !          4588: It knows that one cannot relax
        !          4589: Because the paging thrashes!
        !          4590: 
        !          4591:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          4592: 
        !          4593: I speak severely to my VAX,
        !          4594: and boot it when it crashes;
        !          4595: In spite of all my favorite hacks
        !          4596: My jobs it always thrashes!
        !          4597: 
        !          4598:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          4599: %%
        !          4600:        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
        !          4601: clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
        !          4602: to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
        !          4603:        In a way, the next move is up to him.
        !          4604: 
        !          4605:                -- R. A. Lafferty
        !          4606: %%
        !          4607: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
        !          4608: %%
        !          4609: "One planet is all you get."
        !          4610: %%
        !          4611: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
        !          4612: don't."
        !          4613:                -- Dagwood Bumstead
        !          4614: %%
        !          4615: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
        !          4616: %%
        !          4617: Elevators smell different to midgets
        !          4618: %%
        !          4619: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
        !          4620: %%
        !          4621: Air is water with holes in it
        !          4622: %%
        !          4623: "Every time I think I know where it's at, the move it."
        !          4624: %%
        !          4625: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
        !          4626: %%
        !          4627: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
        !          4628: %%
        !          4629: The Roman Rule
        !          4630:        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        !          4631:        one who is doing it.
        !          4632: %%
        !          4633: Lackland's Laws:
        !          4634:        1.  Never be first.
        !          4635:        2.  Never be last.
        !          4636:        3.  Never volunteer for anything
        !          4637: %%
        !          4638: Tussman's Law:
        !          4639:        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
        !          4640: %%
        !          4641: Oliver's Law:
        !          4642:        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        !          4643:        it.
        !          4644: %%
        !          4645: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        !          4646:        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        !          4647:        held to discuss it.
        !          4648: %%
        !          4649: Baruch's Observation:
        !          4650:        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
        !          4651: %%
        !          4652: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        !          4653:        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        !          4654:        corner of the workshop.
        !          4655: 
        !          4656: Corollary:
        !          4657:        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        !          4658:        your toes.
        !          4659: %%
        !          4660: Second Law of Business Meetings:
        !          4661:        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        !          4662:        will pick the wrong one.
        !          4663: 
        !          4664: Corollary:
        !          4665:        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        !          4666:        wrong, anyway.
        !          4667: %%
        !          4668: Grelb's Reminder:
        !          4669:        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        !          4670:        average drivers.
        !          4671: %%
        !          4672: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        !          4673:        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
        !          4674: %%
        !          4675: Rule of the Great:
        !          4676:        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        !          4677:        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
        !          4678: %%
        !          4679: Lieberman's Law:
        !          4680:        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
        !          4681: %%
        !          4682: Goldenstern's Rules:
        !          4683:        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        !          4684:        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
        !          4685: %%
        !          4686: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        !          4687:        There are no answers, only cross references.
        !          4688: %%
        !          4689: Brook's Law:
        !          4690:        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
        !          4691: %%
        !          4692: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        !          4693:        Murphy was an optimist.

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