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Annotation of 43BSD/games/fortune/obscene, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1: A bather whose clothing was strewed
        !             2: By breezes that left her quite nude,
        !             3:        Saw a man come along
        !             4:        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
        !             5: You expected this line to be lewd.
        !             6: %%
        !             7: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
        !             8: I am not I, I'm a tree."
        !             9:        But another, more sane,
        !            10:        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
        !            11: And covered his pants leg with pee.
        !            12: %%
        !            13: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
        !            14: the first time.
        !            15:                -- Alfred E. Wiggam
        !            16: %%
        !            17: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
        !            18: learned to walk.
        !            19:                -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
        !            20: %%
        !            21: A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
        !            22: %%
        !            23: A hard man is good to find.
        !            24: %%
        !            25: A hard man is good to find.
        !            26: %%
        !            27: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
        !            28: %%
        !            29: A mathematician named Hall
        !            30: Has a hexahedronical ball,
        !            31:        And the cube of its weight
        !            32:        Times his pecker's, plus eight
        !            33: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
        !            34: %%
        !            35: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
        !            36: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
        !            37: scruples and the police."
        !            38:                -- Mr. Dooley
        !            39: %%
        !            40: A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
        !            41: wrong with a high sense of consistency.
        !            42:                -- J. K. Galbraith
        !            43: %%
        !            44: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
        !            45:                --Phyllis Schlafly
        !            46: %%
        !            47: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
        !            48: %%
        !            49: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
        !            50: called a liberal.
        !            51: %%
        !            52: A pretty young lady named Vogel
        !            53: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        !            54:        A curious mole
        !            55:        Nosed into her hole --
        !            56: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
        !            57: %%
        !            58: A pretty young maiden from France
        !            59: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        !            60:        She let herself go
        !            61:        For an hour or so
        !            62: And now all her sisters are aunts.
        !            63: %%
        !            64: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
        !            65: is having fun.
        !            66: %%
        !            67: A remarkable race are the Persians;
        !            68: They have such peculiar diversions.
        !            69:        They make love the whole day
        !            70:        In the usual way
        !            71: And save up the nights for perversions.
        !            72: %%
        !            73: A team playing baseball in Dallas
        !            74: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
        !            75:        While this worthy had fits
        !            76:        The team made eight hits
        !            77: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
        !            78: %%
        !            79: A wanton young lady from Wimley
        !            80: Reproached for not acting quite primly
        !            81:        Said, "Heavens above!
        !            82:        I know sex isn't love,
        !            83: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
        !            84: %%
        !            85: A wanton young lady from Wimley
        !            86: Reproached for not acting quite primly
        !            87:        Said, "Heavens above!
        !            88:        I know sex isn't love,
        !            89: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
        !            90: %%
        !            91: A widow who fancied a man some
        !            92: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
        !            93:        When she clamored for more
        !            94:        Her young man became sore
        !            95: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
        !            96: %%
        !            97: "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
        !            98: drawers."
        !            99:                --- Blind Lemon Pledge
        !           100: %%
        !           101: A worried young man from Stamboul
        !           102: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
        !           103:        Said the doctor, a cynic,
        !           104:        "Get out of my clinic;
        !           105: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
        !           106: %%
        !           107: Achilles' Biological Findings:
        !           108:        (1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
        !           109:             looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
        !           110:        (2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
        !           111:             -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
        !           112: %%
        !           113: AI hackers do it with robots.
        !           114: %%
        !           115: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
        !           116: Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
        !           117: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
        !           118: Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
        !           119: %%
        !           120: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
        !           121: place to shift.
        !           122: %%
        !           123: All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
        !           124:        All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
        !           125: Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
        !           126:        He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
        !           127: All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
        !           128:        All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
        !           129: Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
        !           130:        Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
        !           131: All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
        !           132:        Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
        !           133:                -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
        !           134: %%
        !           135: An architect fellow named Yoric
        !           136: Could, when feeling euphoric,
        !           137:        Display for selection
        !           138:        Three kinds of erection --
        !           139: Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
        !           140: %%
        !           141: An Army travels on her stomach.
        !           142: %%
        !           143: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
        !           144: murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
        !           145: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
        !           146: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
        !           147: suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a
        !           148: murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
        !           149: %%
        !           150: "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
        !           151: unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
        !           152: bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
        !           153: provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
        !           154:                -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
        !           155: %%
        !           156: ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
        !           157: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
        !           158: %%
        !           159: Anxiety, n.:
        !           160:        The first time you can't do it a second time.
        !           161: 
        !           162: Panic, n.:
        !           163:        The second time you can't do it the first time.
        !           164: %%
        !           165: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
        !           166: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
        !           167: blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
        !           168: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
        !           169: slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
        !           170: "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
        !           171: appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
        !           172: spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
        !           173: honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
        !           174: hell!!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"
        !           175: %%
        !           176: Baltimore, n.:
        !           177:        Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
        !           178: collars.
        !           179: %%
        !           180: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
        !           181: %%
        !           182: Behold the unborn fetus and
        !           183:        Weep salt tears crocodilian;
        !           184: All life is sacred (save, of course,
        !           185:        An enemy civilian).
        !           186: %%
        !           187: Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
        !           188: gin.
        !           189:                -- Ralph Nader
        !           190: %%
        !           191: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
        !           192: For her life held no terrors.
        !           193: A virgin born, a virgin died:
        !           194: No hits, no runs, no errors.
        !           195: %%
        !           196: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
        !           197: %%
        !           198: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
        !           199: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
        !           200: the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
        !           201: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
        !           202: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
        !           203: the country was hopelessly trapped.
        !           204:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !           205: %%
        !           206:        ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a
        !           207: thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.
        !           208: It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to
        !           209: masturbation.  The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten
        !           210: a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly
        !           211: baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles.
        !           212:                -- Harlan Ellison
        !           213: %%
        !           214: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
        !           215: %%
        !           216: Chaste makes waste.
        !           217: %%
        !           218: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
        !           219: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
        !           220: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
        !           221: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
        !           222: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
        !           223: Helps to make the season right
        !           224: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
        !           225: Will find it hard to see tonight
        !           226: They know that Santa's on his way
        !           227: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
        !           228: And every mother's child is sure to spy
        !           229: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
        !           230: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
        !           231: To kids from one to ninety two
        !           232: Although it's been said many times, many ways
        !           233: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
        !           234: %%
        !           235: Christian, n.:
        !           236:        One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
        !           237: book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
        !           238: follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
        !           239: with a life of sin.
        !           240: %%
        !           241: Clarke's Third Law:
        !           242:        Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
        !           243:        magic.
        !           244: 
        !           245: G's Third Law:
        !           246:        In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
        !           247:        is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
        !           248: 
        !           249: H's Dictum:
        !           250:        There is no magic ...
        !           251: %%
        !           252: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
        !           253: 
        !           254: Oh, give me a clone
        !           255: Of my own flesh and bone
        !           256:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           257: And when she is grown,
        !           258: My very own clone,
        !           259:        We'll be of the opposite sex.
        !           260: 
        !           261: Chorus:
        !           262:        Clone, clone of my own,
        !           263:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           264:        And when we're alone,
        !           265:        Since her mind is my own,
        !           266:        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        !           267:                -- Randall Garrett
        !           268: %%
        !           269: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
        !           270: %%
        !           271: Coito ergo sum
        !           272: %%
        !           273: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
        !           274: later you wish you'd never come.
        !           275: %%
        !           276: Communists do it without class.
        !           277: %%
        !           278: Conservative, n.:
        !           279:        One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
        !           280:                -- Leo C. Rosten
        !           281: %%
        !           282: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
        !           283: %%
        !           284: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  ____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
        !           285: pillage!!
        !           286: %%
        !           287: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
        !           288: This visage meek and humble,
        !           289: And hear this confidential plea
        !           290: Voiced in reverent mumble:
        !           291:        Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
        !           292:        But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
        !           293:                -- Ansel Adams
        !           294: %%
        !           295: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
        !           296: 
        !           297:                ... Seats 500.
        !           298: %%
        !           299: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
        !           300: %%
        !           301: Do something big -- fuck a giant
        !           302: %%
        !           303:        "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
        !           304:        "Who else?" answered the patient.
        !           305: %%
        !           306: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
        !           307: %%
        !           308: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
        !           309:                -- Bo Diddley
        !           310: %%
        !           311: Draft beer, not people
        !           312: %%
        !           313: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
        !           314:        1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
        !           315:            sleep in the wet spot.
        !           316:        2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
        !           317:        3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
        !           318:                ... is married
        !           319:                ... is on penicillin
        !           320:                ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
        !           321:        4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
        !           322:        5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
        !           323:        6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
        !           324:        7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
        !           325:        8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
        !           326:        9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
        !           327:        10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
        !           328:        11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
        !           329: %%
        !           330: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
        !           331: %%
        !           332: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
        !           333: licentious, dirty bum!!
        !           334: %%
        !           335: Floppy now, hard later.
        !           336: %%
        !           337: Fornication, n.:
        !           338:        Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
        !           339: %%
        !           340: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
        !           341: he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
        !           342: punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
        !           343: %%
        !           344: Getting an education at the University of California is like
        !           345: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
        !           346: %%
        !           347:        "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
        !           348: matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
        !           349: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
        !           350: merriment.
        !           351:        "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
        !           352: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
        !           353: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
        !           354: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
        !           355: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
        !           356: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
        !           357:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !           358: %%
        !           359: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
        !           360: %%
        !           361: God is an atheist.
        !           362: %%
        !           363: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
        !           364: %%
        !           365: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
        !           366: %%
        !           367: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
        !           368: %%
        !           369: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
        !           370: where to go.
        !           371:        "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
        !           372:        "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
        !           373:        "Well, how about Mercury?"
        !           374:        "No, it's too hot there."
        !           375:        "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
        !           376:        "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
        !           377: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
        !           378: still talking about it."
        !           379: %%
        !           380: Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
        !           381: %%
        !           382: Grain grows best in shit
        !           383:                -- Ursula K. LeGuin
        !           384: %%
        !           385: Great Lover, n.:
        !           386:        A man who can breathe through his ears.
        !           387: %%
        !           388: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
        !           389: %%
        !           390: Hackers do it with bugs.
        !           391: %%
        !           392: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
        !           393: %%
        !           394: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
        !           395: %%
        !           396: Haggis, n.:
        !           397:        Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
        !           398: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
        !           399: consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
        !           400: other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
        !           401: in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a
        !           402: minute ...
        !           403: %%
        !           404: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
        !           405: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
        !           406: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
        !           407: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
        !           408: facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
        !           409: historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
        !           410: ankles in bullshit.
        !           411:                -- Tom Robbins
        !           412: %%
        !           413: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
        !           414: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
        !           415: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
        !           416: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
        !           417: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
        !           418: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
        !           419:                -- R. E. Masters
        !           420: %%
        !           421: He hated to mend, so young Ned
        !           422: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
        !           423:        Her husband said, "Vi,
        !           424:        When you stitched up his torn fly,
        !           425: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
        !           426: %%
        !           427: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
        !           428: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
        !           429: qualified for!
        !           430:                -- Michael Cain
        !           431: %%
        !           432: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
        !           433: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
        !           434: %%
        !           435: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
        !           436: hands.
        !           437: %%
        !           438: Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
        !           439: %%
        !           440:        Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
        !           441: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
        !           442: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
        !           443: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
        !           444: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
        !           445: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
        !           446: it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
        !           447: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
        !           448: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
        !           449: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
        !           450: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
        !           451: it because the court was going to take a nap.
        !           452:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !           453: %%
        !           454: History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
        !           455: i.e., none to speak of.
        !           456:                -- Lazarus Long
        !           457: %%
        !           458: "How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
        !           459: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
        !           460: gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
        !           461: lucky to escape with our skins!"
        !           462: %%
        !           463: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
        !           464:                -- John Valby
        !           465: %%
        !           466: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
        !           467: %%
        !           468: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
        !           469: once was ... an arctic wilderness
        !           470:                -- Steve Martin
        !           471: %%
        !           472: I came; I saw; I fucked up
        !           473: %%
        !           474: I have a funny daddy
        !           475: Who goes in and out with me
        !           476: And everything that baby does
        !           477: Daddy's sure to see,
        !           478: And everything that baby says,
        !           479: My daddy's sure to tell.
        !           480: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
        !           481: I hope he fries in Hell.
        !           482:                -- Ogden Nash
        !           483: %%
        !           484: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
        !           485: %%
        !           486: I once met a lassie named Ruth
        !           487: In a long distance telephone booth.
        !           488:        Now I know the perfection
        !           489:        Of an ideal connection
        !           490: Even if somewhat uncouth.
        !           491: %%
        !           492: "I own my own body, but I share"
        !           493: %%
        !           494: I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
        !           495: Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
        !           496: trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
        !           497: go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
        !           498: that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
        !           499:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !           500: %%
        !           501: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
        !           502: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
        !           503: commerce.
        !           504:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !           505: %%
        !           506: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
        !           507:                -- Barry Goldwater
        !           508: %%
        !           509: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
        !           510: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
        !           511:                -- Frank Zappa
        !           512: %%
        !           513: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
        !           514: scares the shit out of me.
        !           515:                -- R. Geis
        !           516: %%
        !           517: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
        !           518: now.
        !           519: %%
        !           520: I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
        !           521: it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
        !           522: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
        !           523:                -- Groucho Marx
        !           524: %%
        !           525: "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
        !           526: watch him have another."
        !           527: %%
        !           528: If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
        !           529: %%
        !           530: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
        !           531: %%
        !           532: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
        !           533: %%
        !           534: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
        !           535: %%
        !           536: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
        !           537: %%
        !           538: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
        !           539: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
        !           540: fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
        !           541: only two went back to women.
        !           542:                -- Mort Sahl
        !           543: %%
        !           544: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
        !           545: should join
        !           546: 
        !           547:                THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
        !           548: 
        !           549: The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
        !           550: do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
        !           551: addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
        !           552: following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
        !           553: 
        !           554:     --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
        !           555:        UFOs come.
        !           556:     --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
        !           557:     --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
        !           558:     --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
        !           559:        the circle.
        !           560:     --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
        !           561:     --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.
        !           562: 
        !           563: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
        !           564: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
        !           565: done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
        !           566: of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
        !           567: %%
        !           568: If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
        !           569: in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
        !           570: %%
        !           571: If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
        !           572: %%
        !           573: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
        !           574: buzz-saw."
        !           575:                -- W. C. Fields
        !           576: %%
        !           577: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
        !           578:                -- Robert Burton
        !           579: %%
        !           580:        In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
        !           581: without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
        !           582: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
        !           583: and it stinks."
        !           584: 
        !           585:        And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
        !           586: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
        !           587: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
        !           588: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
        !           589: before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
        !           590: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
        !           591: and none may abide by its strength."
        !           592: 
        !           593:        And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
        !           594: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
        !           595: it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
        !           596: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
        !           597: growth of the Laboratories."
        !           598: 
        !           599:        And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
        !           600: it was Good!
        !           601: %%
        !           602: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
        !           603: Massaging the bust of his madam,
        !           604:        He chuckled with mirth,
        !           605:        For he knew that on earth,
        !           606: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
        !           607: %%
        !           608: Incest, n.:
        !           609:        Sibling revelry.
        !           610: %%
        !           611: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
        !           612: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
        !           613: %%
        !           614: Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
        !           615: %%
        !           616: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
        !           617: %%
        !           618: John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
        !           619: apoplexy.
        !           620:                -- Edward P. Morgan
        !           621: %%
        !           622: Kasha, n.:
        !           623:        Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
        !           624: problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?  _I
        !           625: know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help ___you much.
        !           626:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           627: %%
        !           628: Kill a commie for Christ!
        !           629: %%
        !           630: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
        !           631: all will end as doves.
        !           632: %%
        !           633: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
        !           634: %%
        !           635: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
        !           636: hard you get fucked.
        !           637: %%
        !           638: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
        !           639: %%
        !           640: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
        !           641: fruits and nuts is flakes.
        !           642: %%
        !           643: Mathematicians do it in theory.
        !           644: %%
        !           645: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
        !           646: %%
        !           647: Missionary Position:
        !           648:        The missionary on top.
        !           649: %%
        !           650: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot
        !           651: if the instructions were printed on the heel.
        !           652: %%
        !           653: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
        !           654:        Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
        !           655:        stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
        !           656: %%
        !           657: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
        !           658: with his head stuck up his ass.
        !           659: %%
        !           660:                My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
        !           661: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
        !           662: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
        !           663: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
        !           664: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
        !           665: 
        !           666: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
        !           667: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
        !           668: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
        !           669: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
        !           670: 
        !           671: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
        !           672: Users of heroin, often called junkies
        !           673: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
        !           674: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
        !           675: 
        !           676:        On a bad trip
        !           677:        When the cops come
        !           678:        When I lose my head
        !           679:        I simply take more of my favorite drugs
        !           680:        And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
        !           681: %%
        !           682: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
        !           683: everyone but her.
        !           684: %%
        !           685:                NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
        !           686: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
        !           687: short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
        !           688: promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
        !           689: our "Big John" doll.)
        !           690: %%
        !           691: Nothing is better than Sex.
        !           692: Masturbation is better than nothing.
        !           693: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
        !           694: %%
        !           695: O'Riordan's Theorem:
        !           696:        Brains x Beauty = Constant.
        !           697: 
        !           698: Purmal's Corollary:
        !           699:        As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
        !           700:        availability goes to zero.
        !           701: %%
        !           702: Occident, n.:
        !           703:        The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
        !           704: is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
        !           705: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
        !           706: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
        !           707: principal industries of the Orient.
        !           708:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           709: %%
        !           710: Ocean, n.:
        !           711:        A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
        !           712: man -- who has no gills.
        !           713: %%
        !           714: Once a young gay from Khartoum
        !           715: Took a lesbian up to his room.
        !           716:        They argued all night
        !           717:        Over who had the right
        !           718: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
        !           719: %%
        !           720: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
        !           721: fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
        !           722: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
        !           723: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
        !           724: earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
        !           725: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
        !           726: warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
        !           727: began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
        !           728: chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
        !           729: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
        !           730: 
        !           731: There are three morals to this story:
        !           732: 
        !           733: 1)  Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
        !           734: 2)  Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
        !           735: 3)  If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
        !           736: %%
        !           737: One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
        !           738: were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
        !           739: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
        !           740: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
        !           741: passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
        !           742: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
        !           743: be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
        !           744: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
        !           745: democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
        !           746: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
        !           747: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
        !           748: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
        !           749: productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
        !           750: hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
        !           751: there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
        !           752: %%
        !           753: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
        !           754: look at the other guy's.
        !           755:                -- Hal Hickman
        !           756: %%
        !           757: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
        !           758: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
        !           759: case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
        !           760: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
        !           761: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
        !           762: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been
        !           763: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
        !           764: her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
        !           765: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
        !           766: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
        !           767: were men on base.
        !           768:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !           769: %%
        !           770:        Overheard in a bar:
        !           771: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
        !           772: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
        !           773: %%
        !           774: Physicists do it with charm
        !           775: %%
        !           776: Politicians do it to everyone.
        !           777: %%
        !           778: Posterity will ne'er survey
        !           779: A nobler grave than this;
        !           780: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
        !           781: Stop, traveler, and piss.
        !           782:                -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
        !           783: %%
        !           784: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
        !           785: %%
        !           786: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
        !           787: still come out ahead.
        !           788: %%
        !           789: Q: How do you play religious roulette?
        !           790: A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
        !           791:    by lightning first.
        !           792: %%
        !           793: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
        !           794:    backyard?
        !           795: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
        !           796: %%
        !           797: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
        !           798:    or an airline stewardess?
        !           799: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says: "We're
        !           800:    going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
        !           801:    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
        !           802:    and nose, and breath normally."
        !           803: %%
        !           804: Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
        !           805: A: Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
        !           806:    screwing began.
        !           807: %%
        !           808: Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
        !           809: A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
        !           810: %%
        !           811: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
        !           812:    be?
        !           813: A: A fur coat.
        !           814: %%
        !           815: Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
        !           816: A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
        !           817: %%
        !           818: Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
        !           819: A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
        !           820: %%
        !           821: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
        !           822: A: Two hours of begging.
        !           823: %%
        !           824: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
        !           825: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
        !           826: %%
        !           827: Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
        !           828: A: Ugly sheep.
        !           829: %%
        !           830: Randel, n.:
        !           831:        A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
        !           832: for farting at a friend.
        !           833:                -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
        !           834:                   Preposterous Words
        !           835: %%
        !           836: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
        !           837: %%
        !           838: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
        !           839: sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
        !           840: changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
        !           841: grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
        !           842: liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
        !           843: do with the other.
        !           844:                -- Jules Feiffer
        !           845: %%
        !           846: Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
        !           847: Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
        !           848: 
        !           849: Democrats eat the fish they catch.
        !           850: Republicans hang them on the wall.
        !           851: 
        !           852: Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
        !           853: girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
        !           854: 
        !           855: Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
        !           856: Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
        !           857: 
        !           858: Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
        !           859: The remainder is thrown out.
        !           860: 
        !           861: Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
        !           862: That is why there are more Democrats.
        !           863:                -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
        !           864: %%
        !           865: Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
        !           866: %%
        !           867: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
        !           868: "My favorite sport is coitus."
        !           869:        But a fullback from State
        !           870:        Made her period late,
        !           871: And now she has athlete's fetus
        !           872: %%
        !           873: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
        !           874: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
        !           875:        "Try as hard as I can,
        !           876:        I can't find a man
        !           877: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
        !           878: %%
        !           879: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
        !           880: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
        !           881:        Let _V be virginity
        !           882:        Approaching infinity;
        !           883: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
        !           884: 
        !           885: "Let _V over _P be inverted
        !           886: With the square root of _M_u inserted
        !           887:        _N times into _V ...
        !           888:        The result, Q.E.D.,
        !           889: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
        !           890: %%
        !           891: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
        !           892: %%
        !           893: Sex is like a bridge game --
        !           894: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
        !           895: %%
        !           896: Sex is the poor man's opera.
        !           897:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !           898: %%
        !           899: She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
        !           900: you any other way."
        !           901: %%
        !           902: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
        !           903: candidates for president.
        !           904:                -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
        !           905:                   Elizabeth Gould Davis
        !           906: %%
        !           907:        ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
        !           908: it even worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.
        !           909: Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
        !           910: Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
        !           911: all it ever showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of
        !           912: these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
        !           913: four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
        !           914: publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
        !           915: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
        !           916:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !           917: %%
        !           918: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
        !           919: %%
        !           920: Statisticians probably do it.
        !           921: %%
        !           922: Subpoena,n .:
        !           923:        From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
        !           924: organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
        !           925: %%
        !           926: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
        !           927:                -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
        !           928:                   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
        !           929:                   Association
        !           930: %%
        !           931: Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
        !           932: you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
        !           933: %%
        !           934: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
        !           935: forgets?
        !           936: %%
        !           937:        The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just
        !           938: say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
        !           939: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
        !           940: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
        !           941: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
        !           942: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
        !           943: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
        !           944: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
        !           945:        So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
        !           946: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
        !           947: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
        !           948: naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
        !           949: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
        !           950: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
        !           951: others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
        !           952: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
        !           953:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !           954: %%
        !           955: The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
        !           956: from the food it produces.
        !           957: %%
        !           958:        The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
        !           959: claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
        !           960: his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
        !           961: 
        !           962:        "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
        !           963: not much good in a fight."
        !           964: %%
        !           965: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
        !           966: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
        !           967: %%
        !           968: ... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
        !           969: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
        !           970: bridge.
        !           971:                -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
        !           972: %%
        !           973:        The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
        !           974: 
        !           975: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
        !           976: I simply can't fuck any more;
        !           977:        I'm covered with sweat,
        !           978:        And you haven't come yet,
        !           979: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
        !           980: %%
        !           981: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
        !           982: %%
        !           983: The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
        !           984: chance to prove it.
        !           985: %%
        !           986: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
        !           987: in front every time you want to kiss her.
        !           988: %%
        !           989: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
        !           990: dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
        !           991: and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
        !           992: %%
        !           993:         The Split-Atom Blues
        !           994: 
        !           995: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
        !           996:     Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
        !           997: But if you split those atoms fine,
        !           998:     Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
        !           999: 
        !          1000: Gimme zits, take my dough,
        !          1001:     Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
        !          1002: Call the devil and sell my soul,
        !          1003:     But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
        !          1004:                -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
        !          1005: %%
        !          1006: The United States Army;
        !          1007: 194 years of proud service,
        !          1008: unhampered by progress.
        !          1009: %%
        !          1010: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
        !          1011: %%
        !          1012: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
        !          1013:                -- Humphrey Bogart
        !          1014: %%
        !          1015: The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
        !          1016: almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
        !          1017: have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
        !          1018: down in silly puns about "standing erect".
        !          1019:                -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          1020: %%
        !          1021: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
        !          1022: %%
        !          1023:        Them Toad Suckers
        !          1024: 
        !          1025: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
        !          1026: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
        !          1027: 
        !          1028: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
        !          1029: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
        !          1030: 
        !          1031: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
        !          1032: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
        !          1033: 
        !          1034: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
        !          1035: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
        !          1036: 
        !          1037: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
        !          1038: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
        !          1039:                -- Mason Williams
        !          1040: %%
        !          1041: There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
        !          1042: %%
        !          1043: There once was a couple named Kelley,
        !          1044: Who lived their life belly to belly.
        !          1045:        Because in their haste
        !          1046:        They used Library Paste,
        !          1047: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
        !          1048: %%
        !          1049: There once was a freshman named Lin,
        !          1050: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
        !          1051:        A virgin named Joan
        !          1052:        From a bible belt home,
        !          1053: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
        !          1054: %%
        !          1055: There once was a hacker named Ken
        !          1056: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
        !          1057:        So he built him some chicks
        !          1058:        Of silicon chips
        !          1059: And hasn't been heard from since then.
        !          1060: %%
        !          1061: There once was a lady from Exeter,
        !          1062: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
        !          1063:        One was even so brave
        !          1064:        As to take out and wave
        !          1065: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
        !          1066: %%
        !          1067: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
        !          1068: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        !          1069:        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        !          1070:        I think someone's coming!"
        !          1071: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
        !          1072: %%
        !          1073: There once was a queen of Bulgaria
        !          1074: Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
        !          1075:        Till a prince from Peru
        !          1076:        Who came up for a screw
        !          1077: Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
        !          1078: %%
        !          1079: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
        !          1080: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
        !          1081:        It was not the size
        !          1082:        That cause such surprise;
        !          1083: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
        !          1084: %%
        !          1085: There once was a young man named Gene
        !          1086: Who invented a screwing machine
        !          1087:        Concave and convex
        !          1088:        It served either sex
        !          1089: And it played with itself in between.
        !          1090: %%
        !          1091: There was a bluestocking in Florence
        !          1092: Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
        !          1093:        Till a Spanish grandee,
        !          1094:        Got her off with his knee,
        !          1095: And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
        !          1096: %%
        !          1097: There was a gay countess of Bray,
        !          1098: And you may think it odd when I say,
        !          1099:        That in spite of high station,
        !          1100:        Rank and education,
        !          1101: She always spelled cunt with a "k".
        !          1102: %%
        !          1103: There was a young fellow named Bliss
        !          1104: Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
        !          1105:        For even with Venus
        !          1106:        His recalcitrant penis
        !          1107: Would never do better than t
        !          1108:                           h
        !          1109:                           i
        !          1110:                           s
        !          1111:                           .
        !          1112: %%
        !          1113: There was a young girl from Hong Kong
        !          1114: Whose cervical cap was a gong.
        !          1115:        She said with a yell,
        !          1116:        As a shot rang her bell,
        !          1117: "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
        !          1118: %%
        !          1119: There was a young girl named Sapphire
        !          1120: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        !          1121:        She said, "It's a sin,
        !          1122:        But now that it's in,
        !          1123: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
        !          1124: %%
        !          1125: There was a young girl of Angina
        !          1126: Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
        !          1127:        From the love-making frock
        !          1128:        (With the proper sized cock)
        !          1129: Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
        !          1130: %%
        !          1131: There was a young girl of Darjeeling
        !          1132: Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
        !          1133:        There was never a sound
        !          1134:        For miles around
        !          1135: Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
        !          1136: %%
        !          1137: There was a young lad name of Durcan
        !          1138: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        !          1139:        His father said, "Durcan!
        !          1140:        Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
        !          1141: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
        !          1142: %%
        !          1143: There was a young lady from Maine
        !          1144: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
        !          1145:        But you knew from the view,
        !          1146:        As her abdomen grew,
        !          1147: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
        !          1148: %%
        !          1149: There was a young lady named Clair
        !          1150: Who possessed a magnificent pair;
        !          1151:        At least so I thought
        !          1152:        Till I saw one get caught
        !          1153: On a thorn, and begin losing air.
        !          1154: %%
        !          1155: There was a young lady named Hall,
        !          1156: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
        !          1157:        The dress caught on fire
        !          1158:        And burned her entire
        !          1159: Front page, sporting section, and all.
        !          1160: %%
        !          1161: There was a young lady named Twiss
        !          1162: Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
        !          1163:        For it tickled her bum
        !          1164:        And caused her to come
        !          1165: .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
        !          1166: %%
        !          1167: There was a young lady of Norway
        !          1168: Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
        !          1169:        She said to her beau
        !          1170:        "Just look at me Joe
        !          1171: I think I've discovered one more way."
        !          1172: %%
        !          1173: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
        !          1174: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
        !          1175:        But the banister broke
        !          1176:        So he doubled his stroke
        !          1177: And finished her off in mid-air.
        !          1178: %%
        !          1179: There was a young man named Crockett
        !          1180: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
        !          1181:        His wife was a bitch,
        !          1182:        And she threw the switch,
        !          1183: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
        !          1184: %%
        !          1185: There was a young man of Cape Horn
        !          1186: Who wished he had never been born,
        !          1187:        And he wouldn't have been
        !          1188:        If his father had seen
        !          1189: That the end of the rubber was torn.
        !          1190: %%
        !          1191: There was a young man of St. John's
        !          1192: Who wanted to bugger the swans.
        !          1193:        But the loyal hall porter
        !          1194:        Said, "Pray take my daughter!
        !          1195: Those birds are reserved for the dons."
        !          1196: %%
        !          1197: There was a young whore from kaloo
        !          1198: Who filled her vagina with glue.
        !          1199:        She said with a grin,
        !          1200:        "If they pay to get in,
        !          1201: They can pay to get out again too!"
        !          1202: %%
        !          1203: There was an old man of the port
        !          1204: Whose prick was remarkably short.
        !          1205:        When he got into bed,
        !          1206:        The old woman said,
        !          1207: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
        !          1208: %%
        !          1209: There was an old pirate named Bates
        !          1210: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
        !          1211:        He fell on his cutlass
        !          1212:        Which rendered him nutless
        !          1213: And practically useless on dates.
        !          1214: %%
        !          1215: There were the Scots
        !          1216: Who kept the Sabbath
        !          1217: And everything else they could lay their hands on.
        !          1218: Then there were the Welsh
        !          1219: Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
        !          1220: Thirdly there were the Irish
        !          1221: Who never knew what they wanted
        !          1222: But were willing to fight for it anyway.
        !          1223: Lastly there were the English
        !          1224: Who considered themselves a self-made nation
        !          1225: Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
        !          1226: %%
        !          1227: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1228:        Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
        !          1229: %%
        !          1230: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1231:        Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
        !          1232: %%
        !          1233: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1234:        Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
        !          1235: %%
        !          1236: There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
        !          1237: and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
        !          1238:                -- Billy Joel
        !          1239: %%
        !          1240: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
        !          1241:                -- David Mairowitz
        !          1242: %%
        !          1243: They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
        !          1244: are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
        !          1245: 
        !          1246: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
        !          1247:     confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
        !          1248:     a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
        !          1249:     of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
        !          1250:     including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
        !          1251:     cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
        !          1252:     factory puts them there.
        !          1253: (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
        !          1254:     announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
        !          1255:     piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
        !          1256:     get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
        !          1257:     state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
        !          1258:     where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
        !          1259:     fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
        !          1260:     vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
        !          1261:     impression.
        !          1262:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !          1263: %%
        !          1264: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
        !          1265: actual emergency, you would have known it!
        !          1266: %%
        !          1267: This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
        !          1268: %%
        !          1269: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
        !          1270: "di-dah" for the filthy words:
        !          1271: 
        !          1272:        Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
        !          1273:        Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
        !          1274:                di-dah di-dah di-dah?
        !          1275:                Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
        !          1276:        Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
        !          1277: %%
        !          1278: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
        !          1279: personal to various situations.
        !          1280: 
        !          1281: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
        !          1282: in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
        !          1283: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
        !          1284: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
        !          1285: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
        !          1286: 
        !          1287: YOU SHOULD:
        !          1288: 
        !          1289: (A)  Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
        !          1290: (B)  Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
        !          1291: (C)  Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
        !          1292: %%
        !          1293: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
        !          1294: personal to various situations.
        !          1295: 
        !          1296: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
        !          1297: in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
        !          1298: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
        !          1299: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
        !          1300: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
        !          1301: 
        !          1302: YOU SHOULD:
        !          1303: 
        !          1304: (A)  Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
        !          1305: (B)  Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
        !          1306: (C)  Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
        !          1307: %%
        !          1308: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
        !          1309: %%
        !          1310: To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
        !          1311: %%
        !          1312: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
        !          1313: name."
        !          1314:                -- Gore Vidal
        !          1315: %%
        !          1316: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod                And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
        !          1317: Did groove and trip out at the pad:    The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
        !          1318: All whimsy were the slamming chicks,   Crept past the hippies getting balled
        !          1319: And the Radcliffe undergrad.           And doffed her miniskirt.
        !          1320: 
        !          1321: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!     One, two!  One, two!  And through 
        !          1322: The looks that melt, the claws that            and through
        !          1323:        catch!                          The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
        !          1324: Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun     He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
        !          1325: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"           And went galumphing back.
        !          1326: 
        !          1327: He took his venerable staff in hand:   "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
        !          1328: Long time the cool young stuff he      Come to my arms, my horny boy!
        !          1329:        sought --                       O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
        !          1330: So rested he among the spree           He cackled in his joy.
        !          1331: And paused to smoke some pot.          
        !          1332:                                        'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
        !          1333:                                        Did groove and trip out at the pad:
        !          1334:                                        All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
        !          1335:                                        And the Radcliffe undergrad.
        !          1336: %%
        !          1337:        Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
        !          1338: how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
        !          1339: you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
        !          1340:        All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
        !          1341: their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
        !          1342:        "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His
        !          1343: mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
        !          1344: room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
        !          1345:        "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
        !          1346: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
        !          1347: %%
        !          1348: "Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
        !          1349: opposite."
        !          1350:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          1351: %%
        !          1352: Vidi, vici, veni.
        !          1353: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
        !          1354: %%
        !          1355: Virgin, n.:
        !          1356:        An ugly third grader.
        !          1357: %%
        !          1358: War is menstruation envy.
        !          1359: %%
        !          1360: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
        !          1361: %%
        !          1362: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
        !          1363: hand."
        !          1364:                -- James Watt
        !          1365: %%
        !          1366: Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
        !          1367: my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
        !          1368: you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
        !          1369: %%
        !          1370:        Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
        !          1371: felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he
        !          1372: just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
        !          1373: at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this
        !          1374: poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
        !          1375: mightier than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
        !          1376: and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
        !          1377: JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
        !          1378: manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
        !          1379: animal in the jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
        !          1380: elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
        !          1381: of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
        !          1382: Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
        !          1383: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
        !          1384: blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
        !          1385: nearby tree.  The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
        !          1386: and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
        !          1387: to get so pissed."
        !          1388: %%
        !          1389: What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
        !          1390: %%
        !          1391:        "What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
        !          1392: didn't believe in God."
        !          1393:        "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
        !          1394: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
        !          1395: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
        !          1396:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !          1397: %%
        !          1398: When God created man, She was only testing.
        !          1399: %%
        !          1400: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
        !          1401: can't happen."
        !          1402:                -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
        !          1403: %%
        !          1404: When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
        !          1405: rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
        !          1406: %%
        !          1407:        When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
        !          1408: operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
        !          1409: would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
        !          1410: thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
        !          1411: patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
        !          1412: %%
        !          1413: While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
        !          1414: Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
        !          1415:        She explained, "They are flat,
        !          1416:        But think nothing of that --
        !          1417: You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
        !          1418: %%
        !          1419: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
        !          1420: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
        !          1421: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
        !          1422: %%
        !          1423: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
        !          1424: horses?
        !          1425:                -- G. Gordon Liddy
        !          1426: %%
        !          1427: Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
        !          1428: then she isn't good enough for you.
        !          1429: %%
        !          1430: Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
        !          1431: %%
        !          1432: Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
        !          1433:                -- Graffito in a women's restroom
        !          1434: %%
        !          1435: Womens Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
        !          1436: %%
        !          1437: "Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
        !          1438: the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
        !          1439:                -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
        !          1440: %%
        !          1441: You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
        !          1442: uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
        !          1443: no-no, you:
        !          1444: 
        !          1445: (a)  Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
        !          1446:      motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
        !          1447:      joint.
        !          1448: 
        !          1449: (b)  Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
        !          1450:      prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
        !          1451: 
        !          1452: (c)  Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it
        !          1453:      up, blow your nose on your sock.
        !          1454: %%
        !          1455: You are making a presentation to a group of corporate executives in the
        !          1456: plushest board room you have ever seen.  The hot enchillada casserole
        !          1457: and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe
        !          1458: pressure.  Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a
        !          1459: most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a
        !          1460: secretary to pass out.  What you should do next is:
        !          1461: 
        !          1462: (a)  Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
        !          1463: 
        !          1464: (b)  Point out the Marketing Manager and accuse him of the act.
        !          1465: 
        !          1466: (c)  Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
        !          1467: %%
        !          1468: You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
        !          1469: your girlfriend gets the munchies!
        !          1470: %%
        !          1471: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
        !          1472: pick your friend's nose.
        !          1473: %%
        !          1474: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
        !          1475: get back inside.
        !          1476:                --  Heathcote Williams
        !          1477: %%
        !          1478: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
        !          1479: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
        !          1480: there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
        !          1481: 
        !          1482: (a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
        !          1483:      name.
        !          1484: 
        !          1485: (b)  Ask what position she played.
        !          1486: 
        !          1487: (c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
        !          1488: %%
        !          1489: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
        !          1490: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
        !          1491: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
        !          1492: into your coffee.  You:
        !          1493: 
        !          1494: (a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
        !          1495: 
        !          1496: (b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
        !          1497: 
        !          1498: (c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
        !          1499:      basket.

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