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1.1 root 1: A bather whose clothing was strewed
2: By breezes that left her quite nude,
3: Saw a man come along
4: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
5: You expected this line to be lewd.
6: %%
7: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
8: I am not I, I'm a tree."
9: But another, more sane,
10: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
11: And covered his pants leg with pee.
12: %%
13: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
14: the first time.
15: -- Alfred E. Wiggam
16: %%
17: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
18: learned to walk.
19: -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
20: %%
21: A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
22: %%
23: A hard man is good to find.
24: %%
25: A hard man is good to find.
26: %%
27: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
28: %%
29: A mathematician named Hall
30: Has a hexahedronical ball,
31: And the cube of its weight
32: Times his pecker's, plus eight
33: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
34: %%
35: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
36: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
37: scruples and the police."
38: -- Mr. Dooley
39: %%
40: A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
41: wrong with a high sense of consistency.
42: -- J. K. Galbraith
43: %%
44: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
45: --Phyllis Schlafly
46: %%
47: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
48: %%
49: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
50: called a liberal.
51: %%
52: A pretty young lady named Vogel
53: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
54: A curious mole
55: Nosed into her hole --
56: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
57: %%
58: A pretty young maiden from France
59: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
60: She let herself go
61: For an hour or so
62: And now all her sisters are aunts.
63: %%
64: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
65: is having fun.
66: %%
67: A remarkable race are the Persians;
68: They have such peculiar diversions.
69: They make love the whole day
70: In the usual way
71: And save up the nights for perversions.
72: %%
73: A team playing baseball in Dallas
74: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
75: While this worthy had fits
76: The team made eight hits
77: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
78: %%
79: A wanton young lady from Wimley
80: Reproached for not acting quite primly
81: Said, "Heavens above!
82: I know sex isn't love,
83: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
84: %%
85: A wanton young lady from Wimley
86: Reproached for not acting quite primly
87: Said, "Heavens above!
88: I know sex isn't love,
89: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
90: %%
91: A widow who fancied a man some
92: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
93: When she clamored for more
94: Her young man became sore
95: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
96: %%
97: "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
98: drawers."
99: --- Blind Lemon Pledge
100: %%
101: A worried young man from Stamboul
102: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
103: Said the doctor, a cynic,
104: "Get out of my clinic;
105: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
106: %%
107: Achilles' Biological Findings:
108: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
109: looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
110: (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
111: -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
112: %%
113: AI hackers do it with robots.
114: %%
115: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
116: Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
117: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
118: Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
119: %%
120: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
121: place to shift.
122: %%
123: All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
124: All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
125: Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
126: He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
127: All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
128: All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
129: Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
130: Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
131: All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
132: Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
133: -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
134: %%
135: An architect fellow named Yoric
136: Could, when feeling euphoric,
137: Display for selection
138: Three kinds of erection --
139: Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
140: %%
141: An Army travels on her stomach.
142: %%
143: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
144: murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
145: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
146: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
147: suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a
148: murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
149: %%
150: "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
151: unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
152: bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
153: provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
154: -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
155: %%
156: ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
157: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
158: %%
159: Anxiety, n.:
160: The first time you can't do it a second time.
161:
162: Panic, n.:
163: The second time you can't do it the first time.
164: %%
165: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
166: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
167: blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
168: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
169: slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
170: "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
171: appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
172: spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
173: honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
174: hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"
175: %%
176: Baltimore, n.:
177: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
178: collars.
179: %%
180: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
181: %%
182: Behold the unborn fetus and
183: Weep salt tears crocodilian;
184: All life is sacred (save, of course,
185: An enemy civilian).
186: %%
187: Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
188: gin.
189: -- Ralph Nader
190: %%
191: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
192: For her life held no terrors.
193: A virgin born, a virgin died:
194: No hits, no runs, no errors.
195: %%
196: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
197: %%
198: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
199: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
200: the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
201: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
202: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
203: the country was hopelessly trapped.
204: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
205: %%
206: ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a
207: thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.
208: It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to
209: masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten
210: a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly
211: baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles.
212: -- Harlan Ellison
213: %%
214: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
215: %%
216: Chaste makes waste.
217: %%
218: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
219: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
220: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
221: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
222: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
223: Helps to make the season right
224: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
225: Will find it hard to see tonight
226: They know that Santa's on his way
227: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
228: And every mother's child is sure to spy
229: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
230: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
231: To kids from one to ninety two
232: Although it's been said many times, many ways
233: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
234: %%
235: Christian, n.:
236: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
237: book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
238: follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
239: with a life of sin.
240: %%
241: Clarke's Third Law:
242: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
243: magic.
244:
245: G's Third Law:
246: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
247: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
248:
249: H's Dictum:
250: There is no magic ...
251: %%
252: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
253:
254: Oh, give me a clone
255: Of my own flesh and bone
256: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
257: And when she is grown,
258: My very own clone,
259: We'll be of the opposite sex.
260:
261: Chorus:
262: Clone, clone of my own,
263: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
264: And when we're alone,
265: Since her mind is my own,
266: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
267: -- Randall Garrett
268: %%
269: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
270: %%
271: Coito ergo sum
272: %%
273: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
274: later you wish you'd never come.
275: %%
276: Communists do it without class.
277: %%
278: Conservative, n.:
279: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
280: -- Leo C. Rosten
281: %%
282: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
283: %%
284: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? ____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
285: pillage!!
286: %%
287: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
288: This visage meek and humble,
289: And hear this confidential plea
290: Voiced in reverent mumble:
291: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
292: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
293: -- Ansel Adams
294: %%
295: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
296:
297: ... Seats 500.
298: %%
299: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
300: %%
301: Do something big -- fuck a giant
302: %%
303: "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
304: "Who else?" answered the patient.
305: %%
306: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
307: %%
308: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
309: -- Bo Diddley
310: %%
311: Draft beer, not people
312: %%
313: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
314: 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
315: sleep in the wet spot.
316: 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
317: 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
318: ... is married
319: ... is on penicillin
320: ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
321: 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
322: 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
323: 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
324: 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
325: 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
326: 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
327: 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
328: 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
329: %%
330: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
331: %%
332: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
333: licentious, dirty bum!!
334: %%
335: Floppy now, hard later.
336: %%
337: Fornication, n.:
338: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
339: %%
340: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
341: he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
342: punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
343: %%
344: Getting an education at the University of California is like
345: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
346: %%
347: "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
348: matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
349: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
350: merriment.
351: "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
352: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
353: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
354: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
355: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
356: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
357: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
358: %%
359: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
360: %%
361: God is an atheist.
362: %%
363: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
364: %%
365: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
366: %%
367: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
368: %%
369: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
370: where to go.
371: "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
372: "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
373: "Well, how about Mercury?"
374: "No, it's too hot there."
375: "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
376: "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
377: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
378: still talking about it."
379: %%
380: Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
381: %%
382: Grain grows best in shit
383: -- Ursula K. LeGuin
384: %%
385: Great Lover, n.:
386: A man who can breathe through his ears.
387: %%
388: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
389: %%
390: Hackers do it with bugs.
391: %%
392: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
393: %%
394: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
395: %%
396: Haggis, n.:
397: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
398: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
399: consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
400: other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
401: in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a
402: minute ...
403: %%
404: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
405: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
406: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
407: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
408: facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
409: historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
410: ankles in bullshit.
411: -- Tom Robbins
412: %%
413: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
414: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
415: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
416: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
417: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
418: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
419: -- R. E. Masters
420: %%
421: He hated to mend, so young Ned
422: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
423: Her husband said, "Vi,
424: When you stitched up his torn fly,
425: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
426: %%
427: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
428: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
429: qualified for!
430: -- Michael Cain
431: %%
432: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
433: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
434: %%
435: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
436: hands.
437: %%
438: Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
439: %%
440: Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
441: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
442: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
443: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
444: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
445: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
446: it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
447: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
448: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
449: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
450: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
451: it because the court was going to take a nap.
452: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
453: %%
454: History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
455: i.e., none to speak of.
456: -- Lazarus Long
457: %%
458: "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
459: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
460: gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
461: lucky to escape with our skins!"
462: %%
463: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
464: -- John Valby
465: %%
466: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
467: %%
468: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
469: once was ... an arctic wilderness
470: -- Steve Martin
471: %%
472: I came; I saw; I fucked up
473: %%
474: I have a funny daddy
475: Who goes in and out with me
476: And everything that baby does
477: Daddy's sure to see,
478: And everything that baby says,
479: My daddy's sure to tell.
480: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
481: I hope he fries in Hell.
482: -- Ogden Nash
483: %%
484: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
485: %%
486: I once met a lassie named Ruth
487: In a long distance telephone booth.
488: Now I know the perfection
489: Of an ideal connection
490: Even if somewhat uncouth.
491: %%
492: "I own my own body, but I share"
493: %%
494: I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
495: Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
496: trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
497: go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
498: that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
499: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
500: %%
501: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
502: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
503: commerce.
504: -- J. Edgar Hoover
505: %%
506: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
507: -- Barry Goldwater
508: %%
509: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
510: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
511: -- Frank Zappa
512: %%
513: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
514: scares the shit out of me.
515: -- R. Geis
516: %%
517: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
518: now.
519: %%
520: I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
521: it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
522: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
523: -- Groucho Marx
524: %%
525: "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
526: watch him have another."
527: %%
528: If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
529: %%
530: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
531: %%
532: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
533: %%
534: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
535: %%
536: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
537: %%
538: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
539: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
540: fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
541: only two went back to women.
542: -- Mort Sahl
543: %%
544: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
545: should join
546:
547: THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
548:
549: The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
550: do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
551: addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
552: following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
553:
554: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
555: UFOs come.
556: -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
557: -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
558: -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
559: the circle.
560: -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
561: -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
562:
563: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
564: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
565: done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
566: of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
567: %%
568: If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
569: in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
570: %%
571: If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
572: %%
573: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
574: buzz-saw."
575: -- W. C. Fields
576: %%
577: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
578: -- Robert Burton
579: %%
580: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
581: without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
582: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
583: and it stinks."
584:
585: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
586: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
587: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
588: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
589: before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
590: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
591: and none may abide by its strength."
592:
593: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
594: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
595: it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
596: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
597: growth of the Laboratories."
598:
599: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
600: it was Good!
601: %%
602: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
603: Massaging the bust of his madam,
604: He chuckled with mirth,
605: For he knew that on earth,
606: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
607: %%
608: Incest, n.:
609: Sibling revelry.
610: %%
611: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
612: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
613: %%
614: Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
615: %%
616: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
617: %%
618: John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
619: apoplexy.
620: -- Edward P. Morgan
621: %%
622: Kasha, n.:
623: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
624: problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? _I
625: know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help ___you much.
626: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
627: %%
628: Kill a commie for Christ!
629: %%
630: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
631: all will end as doves.
632: %%
633: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
634: %%
635: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
636: hard you get fucked.
637: %%
638: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
639: %%
640: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
641: fruits and nuts is flakes.
642: %%
643: Mathematicians do it in theory.
644: %%
645: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
646: %%
647: Missionary Position:
648: The missionary on top.
649: %%
650: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot
651: if the instructions were printed on the heel.
652: %%
653: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
654: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
655: stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
656: %%
657: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
658: with his head stuck up his ass.
659: %%
660: My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
661: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
662: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
663: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
664: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
665:
666: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
667: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
668: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
669: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
670:
671: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
672: Users of heroin, often called junkies
673: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
674: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
675:
676: On a bad trip
677: When the cops come
678: When I lose my head
679: I simply take more of my favorite drugs
680: And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
681: %%
682: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
683: everyone but her.
684: %%
685: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
686: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
687: short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
688: promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
689: our "Big John" doll.)
690: %%
691: Nothing is better than Sex.
692: Masturbation is better than nothing.
693: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
694: %%
695: O'Riordan's Theorem:
696: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
697:
698: Purmal's Corollary:
699: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
700: availability goes to zero.
701: %%
702: Occident, n.:
703: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
704: is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
705: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
706: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
707: principal industries of the Orient.
708: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
709: %%
710: Ocean, n.:
711: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
712: man -- who has no gills.
713: %%
714: Once a young gay from Khartoum
715: Took a lesbian up to his room.
716: They argued all night
717: Over who had the right
718: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
719: %%
720: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
721: fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
722: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
723: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
724: earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
725: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
726: warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
727: began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
728: chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
729: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
730:
731: There are three morals to this story:
732:
733: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
734: 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
735: 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
736: %%
737: One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
738: were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
739: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
740: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
741: passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
742: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
743: be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
744: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
745: democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
746: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
747: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
748: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
749: productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
750: hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
751: there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
752: %%
753: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
754: look at the other guy's.
755: -- Hal Hickman
756: %%
757: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
758: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
759: case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
760: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
761: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
762: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been
763: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
764: her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
765: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
766: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
767: were men on base.
768: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
769: %%
770: Overheard in a bar:
771: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
772: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
773: %%
774: Physicists do it with charm
775: %%
776: Politicians do it to everyone.
777: %%
778: Posterity will ne'er survey
779: A nobler grave than this;
780: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
781: Stop, traveler, and piss.
782: -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
783: %%
784: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
785: %%
786: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
787: still come out ahead.
788: %%
789: Q: How do you play religious roulette?
790: A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
791: by lightning first.
792: %%
793: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
794: backyard?
795: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
796: %%
797: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
798: or an airline stewardess?
799: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're
800: going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
801: right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
802: and nose, and breath normally."
803: %%
804: Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
805: A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
806: screwing began.
807: %%
808: Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
809: A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
810: %%
811: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
812: be?
813: A: A fur coat.
814: %%
815: Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
816: A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
817: %%
818: Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
819: A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
820: %%
821: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
822: A: Two hours of begging.
823: %%
824: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
825: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
826: %%
827: Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
828: A: Ugly sheep.
829: %%
830: Randel, n.:
831: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
832: for farting at a friend.
833: -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
834: Preposterous Words
835: %%
836: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
837: %%
838: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
839: sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
840: changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
841: grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
842: liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
843: do with the other.
844: -- Jules Feiffer
845: %%
846: Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
847: Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
848:
849: Democrats eat the fish they catch.
850: Republicans hang them on the wall.
851:
852: Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
853: girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
854:
855: Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
856: Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
857:
858: Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
859: The remainder is thrown out.
860:
861: Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
862: That is why there are more Democrats.
863: -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
864: %%
865: Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
866: %%
867: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
868: "My favorite sport is coitus."
869: But a fullback from State
870: Made her period late,
871: And now she has athlete's fetus
872: %%
873: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
874: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
875: "Try as hard as I can,
876: I can't find a man
877: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
878: %%
879: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
880: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
881: Let _V be virginity
882: Approaching infinity;
883: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
884:
885: "Let _V over _P be inverted
886: With the square root of _M_u inserted
887: _N times into _V ...
888: The result, Q.E.D.,
889: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
890: %%
891: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
892: %%
893: Sex is like a bridge game --
894: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
895: %%
896: Sex is the poor man's opera.
897: -- G. B. Shaw
898: %%
899: She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
900: you any other way."
901: %%
902: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
903: candidates for president.
904: -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
905: Elizabeth Gould Davis
906: %%
907: ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
908: it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine.
909: Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
910: Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
911: all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of
912: these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
913: four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
914: publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
915: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
916: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
917: %%
918: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
919: %%
920: Statisticians probably do it.
921: %%
922: Subpoena,n .:
923: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
924: organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
925: %%
926: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
927: -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
928: the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
929: Association
930: %%
931: Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
932: you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
933: %%
934: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
935: forgets?
936: %%
937: The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just
938: say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
939: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
940: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
941: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
942: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
943: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
944: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
945: So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
946: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
947: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
948: naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
949: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
950: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
951: others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
952: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
953: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
954: %%
955: The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
956: from the food it produces.
957: %%
958: The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
959: claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
960: his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
961:
962: "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
963: not much good in a fight."
964: %%
965: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
966: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
967: %%
968: ... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
969: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
970: bridge.
971: -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
972: %%
973: The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
974:
975: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
976: I simply can't fuck any more;
977: I'm covered with sweat,
978: And you haven't come yet,
979: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
980: %%
981: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
982: %%
983: The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
984: chance to prove it.
985: %%
986: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
987: in front every time you want to kiss her.
988: %%
989: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
990: dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
991: and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
992: %%
993: The Split-Atom Blues
994:
995: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
996: Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
997: But if you split those atoms fine,
998: Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
999:
1000: Gimme zits, take my dough,
1001: Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
1002: Call the devil and sell my soul,
1003: But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
1004: -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
1005: %%
1006: The United States Army;
1007: 194 years of proud service,
1008: unhampered by progress.
1009: %%
1010: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
1011: %%
1012: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
1013: -- Humphrey Bogart
1014: %%
1015: The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
1016: almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
1017: have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
1018: down in silly puns about "standing erect".
1019: -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1020: %%
1021: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
1022: %%
1023: Them Toad Suckers
1024:
1025: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
1026: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
1027:
1028: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
1029: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
1030:
1031: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
1032: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
1033:
1034: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
1035: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
1036:
1037: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
1038: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
1039: -- Mason Williams
1040: %%
1041: There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
1042: %%
1043: There once was a couple named Kelley,
1044: Who lived their life belly to belly.
1045: Because in their haste
1046: They used Library Paste,
1047: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
1048: %%
1049: There once was a freshman named Lin,
1050: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1051: A virgin named Joan
1052: From a bible belt home,
1053: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1054: %%
1055: There once was a hacker named Ken
1056: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
1057: So he built him some chicks
1058: Of silicon chips
1059: And hasn't been heard from since then.
1060: %%
1061: There once was a lady from Exeter,
1062: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
1063: One was even so brave
1064: As to take out and wave
1065: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
1066: %%
1067: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
1068: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
1069: Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
1070: I think someone's coming!"
1071: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
1072: %%
1073: There once was a queen of Bulgaria
1074: Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
1075: Till a prince from Peru
1076: Who came up for a screw
1077: Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
1078: %%
1079: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
1080: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
1081: It was not the size
1082: That cause such surprise;
1083: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
1084: %%
1085: There once was a young man named Gene
1086: Who invented a screwing machine
1087: Concave and convex
1088: It served either sex
1089: And it played with itself in between.
1090: %%
1091: There was a bluestocking in Florence
1092: Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
1093: Till a Spanish grandee,
1094: Got her off with his knee,
1095: And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
1096: %%
1097: There was a gay countess of Bray,
1098: And you may think it odd when I say,
1099: That in spite of high station,
1100: Rank and education,
1101: She always spelled cunt with a "k".
1102: %%
1103: There was a young fellow named Bliss
1104: Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
1105: For even with Venus
1106: His recalcitrant penis
1107: Would never do better than t
1108: h
1109: i
1110: s
1111: .
1112: %%
1113: There was a young girl from Hong Kong
1114: Whose cervical cap was a gong.
1115: She said with a yell,
1116: As a shot rang her bell,
1117: "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
1118: %%
1119: There was a young girl named Sapphire
1120: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
1121: She said, "It's a sin,
1122: But now that it's in,
1123: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1124: %%
1125: There was a young girl of Angina
1126: Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
1127: From the love-making frock
1128: (With the proper sized cock)
1129: Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
1130: %%
1131: There was a young girl of Darjeeling
1132: Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
1133: There was never a sound
1134: For miles around
1135: Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
1136: %%
1137: There was a young lad name of Durcan
1138: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
1139: His father said, "Durcan!
1140: Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
1141: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
1142: %%
1143: There was a young lady from Maine
1144: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
1145: But you knew from the view,
1146: As her abdomen grew,
1147: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
1148: %%
1149: There was a young lady named Clair
1150: Who possessed a magnificent pair;
1151: At least so I thought
1152: Till I saw one get caught
1153: On a thorn, and begin losing air.
1154: %%
1155: There was a young lady named Hall,
1156: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
1157: The dress caught on fire
1158: And burned her entire
1159: Front page, sporting section, and all.
1160: %%
1161: There was a young lady named Twiss
1162: Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
1163: For it tickled her bum
1164: And caused her to come
1165: .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
1166: %%
1167: There was a young lady of Norway
1168: Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
1169: She said to her beau
1170: "Just look at me Joe
1171: I think I've discovered one more way."
1172: %%
1173: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
1174: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
1175: But the banister broke
1176: So he doubled his stroke
1177: And finished her off in mid-air.
1178: %%
1179: There was a young man named Crockett
1180: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
1181: His wife was a bitch,
1182: And she threw the switch,
1183: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
1184: %%
1185: There was a young man of Cape Horn
1186: Who wished he had never been born,
1187: And he wouldn't have been
1188: If his father had seen
1189: That the end of the rubber was torn.
1190: %%
1191: There was a young man of St. John's
1192: Who wanted to bugger the swans.
1193: But the loyal hall porter
1194: Said, "Pray take my daughter!
1195: Those birds are reserved for the dons."
1196: %%
1197: There was a young whore from kaloo
1198: Who filled her vagina with glue.
1199: She said with a grin,
1200: "If they pay to get in,
1201: They can pay to get out again too!"
1202: %%
1203: There was an old man of the port
1204: Whose prick was remarkably short.
1205: When he got into bed,
1206: The old woman said,
1207: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
1208: %%
1209: There was an old pirate named Bates
1210: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
1211: He fell on his cutlass
1212: Which rendered him nutless
1213: And practically useless on dates.
1214: %%
1215: There were the Scots
1216: Who kept the Sabbath
1217: And everything else they could lay their hands on.
1218: Then there were the Welsh
1219: Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
1220: Thirdly there were the Irish
1221: Who never knew what they wanted
1222: But were willing to fight for it anyway.
1223: Lastly there were the English
1224: Who considered themselves a self-made nation
1225: Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
1226: %%
1227: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1228: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
1229: %%
1230: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1231: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
1232: %%
1233: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1234: Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
1235: %%
1236: There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
1237: and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
1238: -- Billy Joel
1239: %%
1240: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
1241: -- David Mairowitz
1242: %%
1243: They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
1244: are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
1245:
1246: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
1247: confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
1248: a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
1249: of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
1250: including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
1251: cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
1252: factory puts them there.
1253: (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
1254: announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
1255: piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
1256: get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
1257: state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
1258: where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
1259: fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
1260: vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
1261: impression.
1262: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1263: %%
1264: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
1265: actual emergency, you would have known it!
1266: %%
1267: This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
1268: %%
1269: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
1270: "di-dah" for the filthy words:
1271:
1272: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
1273: Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
1274: di-dah di-dah di-dah?
1275: Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
1276: Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
1277: %%
1278: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
1279: personal to various situations.
1280:
1281: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
1282: in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
1283: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
1284: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
1285: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
1286:
1287: YOU SHOULD:
1288:
1289: (A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
1290: (B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
1291: (C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
1292: %%
1293: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
1294: personal to various situations.
1295:
1296: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
1297: in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
1298: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
1299: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
1300: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
1301:
1302: YOU SHOULD:
1303:
1304: (A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
1305: (B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
1306: (C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
1307: %%
1308: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
1309: %%
1310: To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
1311: %%
1312: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
1313: name."
1314: -- Gore Vidal
1315: %%
1316: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
1317: Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
1318: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
1319: And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
1320:
1321: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
1322: The looks that melt, the claws that and through
1323: catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
1324: Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
1325: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
1326:
1327: He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
1328: Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
1329: sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
1330: So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
1331: And paused to smoke some pot.
1332: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
1333: Did groove and trip out at the pad:
1334: All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
1335: And the Radcliffe undergrad.
1336: %%
1337: Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
1338: how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
1339: you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
1340: All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
1341: their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
1342: "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His
1343: mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
1344: room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
1345: "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
1346: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
1347: %%
1348: "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
1349: opposite."
1350: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
1351: %%
1352: Vidi, vici, veni.
1353: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
1354: %%
1355: Virgin, n.:
1356: An ugly third grader.
1357: %%
1358: War is menstruation envy.
1359: %%
1360: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
1361: %%
1362: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
1363: hand."
1364: -- James Watt
1365: %%
1366: Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
1367: my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
1368: you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
1369: %%
1370: Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
1371: felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he
1372: just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
1373: at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this
1374: poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
1375: mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
1376: and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
1377: JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
1378: manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
1379: animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
1380: elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
1381: of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
1382: Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
1383: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
1384: blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
1385: nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
1386: and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
1387: to get so pissed."
1388: %%
1389: What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
1390: %%
1391: "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
1392: didn't believe in God."
1393: "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
1394: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
1395: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
1396: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
1397: %%
1398: When God created man, She was only testing.
1399: %%
1400: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
1401: can't happen."
1402: -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
1403: %%
1404: When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
1405: rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
1406: %%
1407: When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
1408: operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
1409: would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
1410: thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
1411: patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
1412: %%
1413: While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
1414: Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
1415: She explained, "They are flat,
1416: But think nothing of that --
1417: You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
1418: %%
1419: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
1420: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
1421: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
1422: %%
1423: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
1424: horses?
1425: -- G. Gordon Liddy
1426: %%
1427: Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
1428: then she isn't good enough for you.
1429: %%
1430: Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
1431: %%
1432: Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
1433: -- Graffito in a women's restroom
1434: %%
1435: Womens Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
1436: %%
1437: "Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
1438: the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
1439: -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
1440: %%
1441: You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
1442: uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
1443: no-no, you:
1444:
1445: (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
1446: motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
1447: joint.
1448:
1449: (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
1450: prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
1451:
1452: (c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it
1453: up, blow your nose on your sock.
1454: %%
1455: You are making a presentation to a group of corporate executives in the
1456: plushest board room you have ever seen. The hot enchillada casserole
1457: and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe
1458: pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a
1459: most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a
1460: secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:
1461:
1462: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
1463:
1464: (b) Point out the Marketing Manager and accuse him of the act.
1465:
1466: (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
1467: %%
1468: You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
1469: your girlfriend gets the munchies!
1470: %%
1471: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
1472: pick your friend's nose.
1473: %%
1474: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
1475: get back inside.
1476: -- Heathcote Williams
1477: %%
1478: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
1479: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
1480: there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
1481:
1482: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
1483: name.
1484:
1485: (b) Ask what position she played.
1486:
1487: (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
1488: %%
1489: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
1490: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
1491: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
1492: into your coffee. You:
1493:
1494: (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
1495:
1496: (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
1497:
1498: (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
1499: basket.
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