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1.1 root 1: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
2: %%
3: (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
4: (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5: (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
6: (4) Four is an even number.
7: (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
8: (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
9:
10: Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
11: %%
12: (1) Everything depends.
13: (2) Nothing is always.
14: (3) Everything is sometimes.
15: %%
16: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
17: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
18: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
19: %%
20: 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
21: (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
22: (2) Dead cat brush
23: (3) Hair barrettes
24: (4) Cleats
25: (5) Self-piercing earrings
26: (6) Fungus trellis
27: (7) False eyelashes
28: (8) Prosthetic dog claws
29: .
30: .
31: .
32: (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
33: (100) Killer velcro
34: 101. Currency
35: %%
36: 186,282 miles per second:
37:
38: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
39: %%
40: $3,000,000
41: %%
42: 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
43: simulation!
44: %%
45: 43rd Law of Computing:
46: Anything that can go wr
47: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
48: %%
49: 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
50:
51: ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
52: --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
53: ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
54: ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
55: ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
56: --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
57:
58: Nine in the second place means:
59: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
60:
61: Six in the third place means:
62: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
63: Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
64: %%
65: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
66: 99 blocks of crud!
67: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
68: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
69:
70: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
71: 100 blocks of crud!
72: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
73: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
74: %%
75: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
76: responsibility at the other.
77: %%
78: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
79: out of a divorce.
80: -- Don Quinn
81: %%
82: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
83: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
84: -- Mark Twain
85: %%
86: A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
87: adds up to be real money.
88: -- Everett McKinley Dirksen
89: %%
90: A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
91: %%
92: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
93: %%
94: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
95: enlightened him with ours.
96: %%
97: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
98: as afterward.
99: %%
100: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
101: poor to protect them from each other.
102: %%
103: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
104: %%
105: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
106: Avoid him. He's a Commie.
107: %%
108: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
109: -- Herbert Prochnow
110: %%
111: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
112: wants to read.
113: -- Mark Twain
114: %%
115: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
116: %%
117: A computer, to print out a fact,
118: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
119: But this output can be
120: No more than debris,
121: If the input was short of exact.
122: -- Gigo
123: %%
124: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
125: %%
126: A CONS is an object which cares.
127: -- Bernie Greenberg.
128: %%
129: A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
130: -- Ben Franklin
131: %%
132: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
133: And had an affair with a Saracen.
134: She was not oversexed,
135: Or jealous or vexed,
136: She just wanted to make a comparison.
137: %%
138: A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
139: %%
140: A day without sunshine is like night.
141: %%
142: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
143: fur coat.
144: %%
145: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
146: you will look forward to the trip.
147: %%
148: A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
149: eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
150: test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
151: Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
152: the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
153: %%
154: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
155: %%
156: A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
157: about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
158: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
159: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
160: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
161: incredible surgical feat."
162: The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
163: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
164: that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
165: architect."
166: The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
167: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
168: %%
169: A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
170: -- Ogden Nash
171: %%
172: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
173: Plus three times the square root of four,
174: Divided by seven,
175: Plus five time eleven,
176: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
177: %%
178: A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
179: Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
180: Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
181: with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
182: Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed
183: the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously
184: hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual.
185: The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
186: %%
187: A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
188: subject.
189: -- Winston Churchill
190: %%
191: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
192: %%
193: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
194: superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
195: -- G. B. Shaw
196: %%
197: A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
198: of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
199: elephant.
200: %%
201: A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
202: -- D. Gries
203: %%
204: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
205: of).
206: %%
207: A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
208: rearranging their prejudices.
209: -- William James
210: %%
211: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
212: %%
213: A lady with one of her ears applied
214: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
215: Two female gossips in converse free --
216: The subject engaging them was she.
217: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
218: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
219: As soon as no more of it she could hear
220: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
221: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
222: "To hear my character lied about!"
223: -- Gopete Sherany
224: %%
225: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
226: not worth knowing.
227: %%
228: A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
229: in than some that do.
230: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
231: %%
232: A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
233: by being declared to work.
234: -- Anatol Holt
235: %%
236: A Law of Computer Programming:
237: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
238: will find the programmers cannot write in English.
239: %%
240: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
241: Into space that is quite economical.
242: But the good ones I've seen
243: So seldom are clean,
244: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
245: %%
246: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
247: nothing.
248: %%
249: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
250: price.
251: %%
252: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
253: believe everything positively stinks.
254: -- Lew Col
255: %%
256: A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
257: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
258: "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
259: and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
260: "But the collar is up around my ears!"
261: "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
262: little more ... that's it."
263: "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
264: "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
265: go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
266: So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
267: street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
268: "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
269: "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
270: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
271: %%
272: A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
273:
274: "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
275: sense of obligation."
276: -- Stephen Crane
277: %%
278: A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
279: %%
280: A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
281: %%
282: A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
283: the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
284: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
285: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
286: "If what?" asked the composer.
287: "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
288: %%
289: A new dramatist of the absurd
290: Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
291: I learn from my spies
292: He's about to devise
293: An unprintable three-letter word.
294: %%
295: A new koan:
296:
297: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
298:
299: If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
300:
301: It is an ice cream koan.
302: %%
303: A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
304: Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now
305: has no excuse for further procrastination.
306: %%
307: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
308: %%
309: A penny saved is ridiculous.
310: %%
311: A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
312: %%
313: A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
314: -- George Wald
315: %%
316: A pig is a jolly companion,
317: Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
318: A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
319: Though mountains may topple and tilt.
320: When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
321: When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
322: Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
323: You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
324: You'll never go wrong with a pig!
325: -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
326: %%
327: A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
328: by Mark Twain
329:
330: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
331: to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
332: be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
333: would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
334: might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
335: same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
336: "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
337: Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
338: with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
339: or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
340: Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
341: ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
342: ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
343: Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
344: hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
345: %%
346: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
347:
348: And he answered:
349:
350: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
351:
352: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
353:
354: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
355: upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
356: to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
357:
358: And that is Fate? said the priest.
359:
360: Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
361:
362: That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
363: too.
364: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
365: %%
366: A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
367: upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
368: "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
369: man".
370: As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
371: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
372: %%
373: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
374: %%
375: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
376: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
377: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
378: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
379: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
380: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
381: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
382: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
383: information in the first place."
384: -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
385: %%
386: A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
387: your wife will give you for free.
388: %%
389: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
390: that the system works.
391: %%
392: A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
393: the real reason.
394: %%
395: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
396: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
397: scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
398: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
399: dimensional objects ...
400: %%
401: A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
402: contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
403: -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
404: %%
405: A Severe Strain on the Credulity
406:
407: As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
408: parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
409: is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
410: considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
411: begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
412: starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
413: maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
414: Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
415: of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
416: re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
417: against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
418: knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
419: -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
420: %%
421: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
422: -- Prof. Steiner
423: %%
424: A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
425: waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
426: -- Mark Twain
427: %%
428: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
429: -- O'Henry
430: %%
431: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
432: exam.
433: %%
434: A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by
435: its author.
436: -- S. C. Johnson
437: %%
438: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
439: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
440: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
441: %%
442: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
443: blowing first.
444: %%
445: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
446: %%
447: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
448: in students.
449: -- John Ciardi
450: %%
451: A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
452: Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
453: She found a good way
454: To combine work and play:
455: She sells C shells by the seashore.
456: %%
457: A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
458: replaces it with.
459: -- Tenessee Williams
460: %%
461: A very intelligent turtle
462: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
463: The system, you see,
464: Ran as slow as did he,
465: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
466: %%
467: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
468: getting nervous.
469: %%
470: "A witty saying proves nothing."
471: -- Voltaire
472: %%
473: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
474: in God.
475: %%
476: A.A.A.A.A.:
477: An organization for drunks who drive
478: %%
479: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
480: You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
481: %%
482: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
483: %%
484: About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
485: ends.
486: -- Herbert Hoover
487: %%
488: Absence makes the heart go wander.
489: %%
490: Absent, adj.:
491: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
492: slandered.
493: %%
494: Absentee, n.:
495: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
496: himself from the sphere of exaction.
497: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
498: %%
499: Abstainer, n.:
500: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
501: pleasure.
502: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
503: %%
504: Absurdity, n.:
505: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
506: opinion.
507: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
508: %%
509: Accident, n.:
510: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
511: body is better.
512: %%
513: Accidents cause History.
514:
515: If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
516: Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
517: have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
518: could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
519: the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
520: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
521: %%
522: According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
523: -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
524: %%
525: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
526: totally worthless.
527: %%
528: Accordion, n.:
529: A bagpipe with pleats.
530: %%
531: Accuracy, n.:
532: The vice of being right
533: %%
534: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
535: %%
536: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
537: %%
538: Acquaintance, n.:
539: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
540: enough to lend to.
541: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
542: %%
543: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
544: coughing."
545: %%
546: Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
547: everyone glued in their seats!"
548: Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
549: it!"
550: %%
551: Actor: So what do you do for a living?
552: Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
553: dishes for Chinese restaurants.
554: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
555: %%
556: ADA, n.:
557: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
558: Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
559: awareness."
560: %%
561: Admiration, n.:
562: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
563: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
564: %%
565: Adolescence, n.:
566: The stage between puberty and adultery.
567: %%
568: "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
569: like you ..."
570: --- Gilda Radner
571: %%
572: Adore, v.:
573: To venerate expectantly.
574: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
575: %%
576: Adult, n.:
577: One old enough to know better.
578: %%
579: After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
580: names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
581: Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
582: many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
583: Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
584: different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
585: developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
586: attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
587: to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
588: skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
589: injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
590: hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
591: that it sinks like a stone.
592: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
593: %%
594: After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
595: quotations.
596: -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
597: %%
598: After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
599: for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
600: simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
601: -- P. J. O'Rourke
602: %%
603: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
604: on the bench.
605: %%
606: After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
607: Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
608: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
609: to be created."
610: "This is true," He replied.
611: "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
612: "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
613: right to make his laws?"
614: "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
615: his own."
616: It was so granted.
617: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
618: %%
619: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
620: %%
621: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
622: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
623: removed.
624: %%
625: Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
626: change.
627: %%
628: Afternoon, n.:
629: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
630: morning.
631: %%
632: Air is water with holes in it
633: %%
634: Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
635: -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
636: %%
637: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
638: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
639: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
640: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
641: receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
642: %%
643: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
644: Aleph-null bottles of beer,
645: You take one down, and pass it around,
646: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
647: %%
648: Alex Haley was adopted!
649: %%
650: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
651: for a dial tone.
652: %%
653: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
654: them keeps paying for it.
655: -- Peggy Joyce
656: %%
657: "All flesh is grass"
658: -- Isiah
659: Smoke a friend today.
660: %%
661: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
662: %%
663: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
664: %%
665: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
666: importance.
667: %%
668: "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
669: sane."
670: %%
671: All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
672: %%
673: All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
674: every organism to live beyond its income.
675: -- Samuel Butler
676: %%
677: All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
678: -- E. Rutherford
679: %%
680: All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
681: too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
682: subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
683: can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
684: Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
685: decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
686: if it rains?"
687: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
688: %%
689: "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
690: -- Mark Twain
691: %%
692: All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
693: -- Sean O'Casey
694: %%
695: All the world's a VAX,
696: And all the coders merely butchers;
697: They have their exits and their entrails;
698: And one int in his time plays many widths,
699: His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
700: Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
701: And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
702: And shining morning face, creeping like slug
703: Unwillingly to school.
704: -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
705: %%
706: All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
707: %%
708: All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
709: %%
710: All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
711: you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
712: average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
713: insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
714: realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
715: in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real
716: successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
717: Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They
718: all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on?
719: -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
720: %%
721: Alliance, n.:
722: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
723: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
724: separately plunder a third.
725: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
726: %%
727: Alone, adj.:
728: In bad company.
729: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
730: %%
731: Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
732: mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
733: any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
734: to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
735: Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
736: serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
737: same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
738: that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
739: penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
740: running the post office.
741: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
742: %%
743: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
744: back.
745: %%
746: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
747:
748: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
749: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
750: %%
751: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
752:
753: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
754: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
755: %%
756: Ambidextrous, adj.:
757: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
758: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
759: %%
760: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
761: -- Charlie McCarthy
762: %%
763: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
764: to decadence without touching civilization.
765: -- John O'Hara
766: %%
767: America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
768: until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
769: changed its name to "America".
770: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
771: %%
772: Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
773: %%
774: An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
775: is always polite to traffic cops.
776: %%
777: An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
778: %%
779: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
780: %%
781: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
782: -- A. P. Herbert
783: %%
784: An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears
785: a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
786: only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
787: Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
788: incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
789: excellence:
790:
791: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
792: discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
793: to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
794: things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
795: parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
796: timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
797: doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
798: Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
799: school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
800: successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
801: they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
802: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
803: %%
804: "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
805: picturesque liar."
806: -- Mark Twain
807: %%
808: An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
809: %%
810: An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
811: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
812: "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
813: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
814: an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
815: hour seems like a minute."
816: The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
817: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
818: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
819: %%
820: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
821: government at all.
822: %%
823: ... And malt does more than Milton can
824: To justify God's ways to man
825: -- A. E. Housman
826: %%
827: And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
828: %%
829: And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
830: horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
831: columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
832: ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
833: world.
834: -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
835: %%
836: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
837: asked the father of his little son.
838: "Diet."
839: %%
840: Angels we have heard on High
841: Tell us to go out and Buy.
842: -- Tom Leher
843: %%
844: Ankh if you love Isis.
845: %%
846: Anoint, v.:
847: To grease a king or other great functionary already
848: sufficiently slippery.
849: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
850: %%
851: Another Glitch in the Call
852: ------- ------ -- --- ----
853: (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
854:
855: We don't need no indirection
856: We don't need no flow control
857: No data typing or declarations
858: Did you leave the lists alone?
859:
860: Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
861:
862: Chorus:
863: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
864: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
865: %%
866: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
867: %%
868: Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
869:
870: 1. None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
871: 2. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
872: 3. I don't know.
873: 4. Who cares?
874: 5. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
875: Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
876: 6. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
877: book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
878: bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
879: Papyrus Books).
880: %%
881: Anthony's Law of Force:
882: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
883: %%
884: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
885: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
886: corner of the workshop.
887:
888: Corollary:
889: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
890: your toes.
891: %%
892: Antonym, n.:
893: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
894: %%
895: Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
896: -- Charles McCabe
897: %%
898: Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
899: -- Aesop
900: %%
901: Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
902: sell it.
903: %%
904: ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
905: my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
906: resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
907: The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
908: them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the
909: existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
910: coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
911: is beyond the scope of this article.)
912: %%
913: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
914: larger object.
915: %%
916: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
917: demo.
918: %%
919: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
920: -- Arthur C. Clarke
921: %%
922: Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
923: -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
924: %%
925: Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
926: %%
927: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
928: %%
929: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
930: probably parked.
931: %%
932: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
933: %%
934: Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
935: -- Publilius Syrus
936: %%
937: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
938: is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
939: make messes in the house.
940: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
941: %%
942: Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
943: -- Samuel Goldwyn
944: %%
945: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
946: -- W. C. Fields
947: %%
948: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
949: account be allowed to do the job.
950: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
951: %%
952: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
953: %%
954: Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
955: %%
956: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
957: %%
958: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
959: price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
960: means the price went way up.
961: %%
962: Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
963: %%
964: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
965: %%
966: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
967: something.
968: %%
969: Aquadextrous, adj.:
970: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
971: with your toes.
972: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
973: %%
974: AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
975: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
976: a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
977: impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
978: again. People think you are stupid.
979: %%
980: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
981: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
982: %%
983: ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
984: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
985: quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
986: nice.
987: %%
988: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
989: shoes.
990: -- Mickey Mouse
991: %%
992: Armadillo:
993: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
994: %%
995: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
996: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
997: (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
998: (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
999: first two laws.
1000: %%
1001: Arthur's Laws of Love:
1002: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
1003: remind them of someone else.
1004: (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
1005: be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
1006: of yourself in person.
1007: %%
1008: Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
1009: %%
1010: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
1011: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
1012: -- Albert Einstein
1013: %%
1014: As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
1015: -- Weisert
1016: %%
1017: As I was passing Project MAC,
1018: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
1019: Every hack had seven bugs;
1020: Every bug had seven manifestations;
1021: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
1022: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
1023: How many losses at Project MAC?
1024: %%
1025: As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
1026: fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
1027: popular.
1028: -- Oscar Wilde
1029: %%
1030: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
1031: %%
1032: "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
1033: programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
1034: --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
1035: computer system.
1036: %%
1037: As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
1038: wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
1039: to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
1040: that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
1041: finding mistakes in my own programs.
1042: -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
1043: %%
1044: As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
1045: so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
1046: -- Woody Allen
1047: %%
1048: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
1049: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
1050: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
1051: %%
1052: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
1053: variable."
1054: %%
1055: As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
1056: memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
1057: to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
1058: E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
1059: -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
1060: %%
1061: As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
1062: %%
1063: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
1064: Station-to-Station rate.
1065: %%
1066: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
1067: bathtub, it tolls for thee.
1068: %%
1069: Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
1070: for an answer.
1071: %%
1072: Ass, n.:
1073: The masculine of "lass".
1074: %%
1075: At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
1076: Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1077: under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1078: %%
1079: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
1080: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
1081: -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
1082: %%
1083: ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
1084: -- J. B. White
1085: %%
1086: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
1087: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
1088: the computer.
1089: %%
1090: Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
1091: -- Winston Churchill
1092: %%
1093: Automobile, n.:
1094: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
1095: pedestrians.
1096: %%
1097: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
1098: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
1099: %%
1100: Avoid reality at all costs.
1101: %%
1102: Bacchus, n.:
1103: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
1104: getting drunk.
1105: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1106: %%
1107: Bagdikian's Observation:
1108: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
1109: newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
1110: on a ukelele.
1111: %%
1112: Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
1113: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
1114: by governors.
1115: %%
1116: Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
1117: %%
1118: Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
1119: %%
1120: Barach's Rule:
1121: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
1122: physician.
1123: %%
1124: Barometer, n.:
1125: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
1126: are having.
1127: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1128: %%
1129: Barth's Distinction:
1130: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
1131: types, and those who don't.
1132: %%
1133: Baruch's Observation:
1134: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
1135: %%
1136: Basic, n.:
1137: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
1138: that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
1139: %%
1140: Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
1141: door.
1142: %%
1143: BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
1144: %%
1145: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
1146: get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
1147: face.
1148: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
1149: %%
1150: Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
1151: -- Mark Twain
1152: %%
1153: Be different: conform.
1154: %%
1155: Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
1156: get used to it.
1157: %%
1158: Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
1159: miss
1160: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1161: %%
1162: Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
1163: away.
1164: %%
1165: Beifeld's Principle:
1166: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
1167: receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
1168: he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
1169: a better looking and richer male friend.
1170: %%
1171: Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
1172: %%
1173: "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
1174: -- Time Bandits
1175: %%
1176: Besides the device, the box should contain:
1177:
1178: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
1179:
1180: * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
1181: club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
1182:
1183: YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
1184: cable.
1185:
1186: IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
1187: spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
1188: that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
1189: without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
1190: why."
1191:
1192: WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
1193: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
1194: %%
1195: better !pout !cry
1196: better watchout
1197: lpr why
1198: santa claus <north pole >town
1199:
1200: cat /etc/passwd >list
1201: ncheck list
1202: ncheck list
1203: cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
1204: cat list | grep nice >giftlist
1205: santa claus <north pole > town
1206:
1207: who | grep sleeping
1208: who | grep awake
1209: who | egrep 'bad|good'
1210: for (goodness sake) {
1211: be good
1212: }
1213: %%
1214: "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
1215: tried it."
1216: -- Donald Knuth
1217: %%
1218: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
1219: %%
1220: Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
1221: -- Leonard Brandwein
1222: %%
1223: "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
1224: finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
1225: murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
1226: their ignorance the hard way."
1227: -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
1228: %%
1229: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
1230: nothing of interest is easy.
1231: %%
1232: Binary, adj.:
1233: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
1234: %%
1235: Bipolar, adj.:
1236: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
1237: New York
1238: %%
1239: Birth, n.:
1240: The first and direst of all disasters.
1241: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1242: %%
1243: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
1244: %%
1245: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
1246: as Wheels.
1247: %%
1248: BLISS is ignorance
1249: %%
1250: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
1251: %%
1252: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
1253: plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
1254: it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
1255: arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
1256: throwing up on them.
1257: %%
1258: Boling's postulate:
1259: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
1260: %%
1261: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
1262: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
1263: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
1264: %%
1265: Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
1266: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
1267: %%
1268: Boob's Law:
1269: You always find something in the last place you look.
1270: %%
1271: Bore, n.:
1272: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
1273: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1274: %%
1275: Boren's Laws:
1276: (1) When in charge, ponder.
1277: (2) When in trouble, delegate.
1278: (3) When in doubt, mumble.
1279: %%
1280: Boss, n.:
1281: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
1282: the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
1283: in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
1284: ornamental stud."
1285: %%
1286: Boston, n.:
1287: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
1288: finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
1289: %%
1290: Boy, n.:
1291: A noise with dirt on it.
1292: %%
1293: Bradley's Bromide:
1294: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
1295: committee -- that will do them in.
1296: %%
1297: Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
1298: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
1299: easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
1300: Ranger have handled this?"
1301: %%
1302: Brain fried -- Core dumped
1303: %%
1304: Brain, n.:
1305: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
1306: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1307: %%
1308: Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
1309: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
1310: error in an opponent.
1311: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1312: %%
1313: Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
1314: since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
1315: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1316: %%
1317: Bride, n.:
1318: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
1319: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1320: %%
1321: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
1322: revitalize the corner saloon.
1323: %%
1324: British Israelites:
1325: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
1326: Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
1327: Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
1328: believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
1329: Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
1330: the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
1331: head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
1332: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1333: %%
1334: Broad-mindedness, n.:
1335: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
1336: %%
1337: Brook's Law:
1338: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
1339: %%
1340: Brook's Law:
1341: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
1342: %%
1343: Brooke's Law:
1344: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
1345: discovers something which either abolishes the system or
1346: expands it beyond recognition.
1347: %%
1348: Bubble Memory, n.:
1349: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
1350: intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
1351: %%
1352: Bucy's Law:
1353: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
1354: %%
1355: Bug, n.:
1356: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
1357: PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
1358: wrote the program.
1359:
1360: Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
1361: -- Ray Simard
1362: %%
1363: Bug:
1364: Small living things that small living boys throw on small
1365: living girls.
1366: %%
1367: BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
1368: outfit."
1369: GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
1370: BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
1371: -- Jay Ward
1372: %%
1373: Bumper sticker:
1374:
1375: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
1376: manufacture"
1377: %%
1378: Bureaucrat, n.:
1379: A politician who has tenure.
1380: %%
1381: ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
1382: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
1383: and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
1384: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
1385: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
1386: on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
1387: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
1388: sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
1389: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
1390: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1391: %%
1392: ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
1393: intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
1394: we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
1395: that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
1396: of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
1397: example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
1398: makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
1399: whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
1400: finite or an infinite number.
1401: -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
1402: %%
1403: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
1404: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
1405: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
1406: -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
1407: Compilers"
1408: %%
1409: But scientists, who ought to know
1410: Assure us that it must be so.
1411: Oh, let us never, never doubt
1412: What nobody is sure about.
1413: -- Hilaire Belloc
1414: %%
1415: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
1416: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
1417: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
1418: -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
1419: %%
1420: But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
1421: was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
1422: education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
1423: 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
1424: American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
1425: invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
1426: invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
1427: adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
1428: electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
1429: electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
1430: part) sends it right back to the customer again.
1431:
1432: This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
1433: of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
1434: very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
1435: In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
1436: States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
1437: ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
1438: increases.
1439: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
1440: %%
1441: "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
1442: place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
1443: Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
1444: kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
1445: poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
1446: explained yet about the bytes?"
1447: %%
1448: "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
1449: computers?"
1450: %%
1451: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
1452: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
1453: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
1454: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
1455: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
1456: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
1457: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
1458: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
1459: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
1460: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
1461: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
1462: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
1463: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
1464: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
1465: %%
1466: By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
1467: completely overwhelm you.
1468: %%
1469: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
1470: it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
1471: invent. (R. Emerson)"
1472: -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
1473: (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
1474: [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
1475: misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
1476: %%
1477: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
1478: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
1479: fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
1480: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
1481: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
1482: that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
1483: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
1484: they wanted to be.
1485: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1486: %%
1487: C, n.:
1488: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
1489: like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
1490: anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
1491: today, or it isn't.
1492: -- Ray Simard
1493: %%
1494: Cabbage, n.:
1495: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
1496: a man's head.
1497: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1498: %%
1499: Cahn's Axiom:
1500: When all else fails, read the instructions.
1501: %%
1502: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
1503: -- Fred Allen
1504: %%
1505: California, n.:
1506: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
1507: Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
1508: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
1509: -- Ed Moran
1510: %%
1511: Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
1512: -- Indian proverb
1513: %%
1514: "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
1515: Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
1516: %%
1517: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
1518: -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
1519: %%
1520: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
1521: Corner, Vermont."
1522: -- Clarence Darrow
1523: %%
1524: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
1525: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
1526:
1527: Supplement:
1528: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
1529: %%
1530: Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
1531: for postage and 30 cents for storage.
1532: -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
1533: Post
1534: %%
1535: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
1536: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
1537: A root or two, a torus and a node:
1538: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
1539: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
1540: %%
1541: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
1542: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
1543: think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
1544: you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
1545: Cancer people.
1546: %%
1547: CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
1548: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
1549: anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
1550: importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
1551: they take root and become trees.
1552: %%
1553: Captain Penny's Law:
1554: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
1555: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
1556: %%
1557: Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
1558: expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
1559: complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
1560: planning to reduce the time it takes.
1561: %%
1562: Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
1563: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
1564: dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
1565: putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
1566: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1567: %%
1568: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
1569: -- Mark Twain
1570: %%
1571: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
1572: %%
1573: CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
1574: %%
1575: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
1576: %%
1577: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
1578: how many?
1579: %%
1580: Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
1581: Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
1582: Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
1583: out of it?
1584: Jaka: Ugh!
1585: Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
1586: -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
1587: %%
1588: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
1589: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
1590: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
1591: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
1592: not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
1593: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
1594: others who have tried it.
1595: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1596: %%
1597: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
1598: Did you ever try buying then without money?
1599: -- Ogden Nash
1600: %%
1601: Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
1602: %%
1603: Chemicals, n.:
1604: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
1605: %%
1606: Chicago, n.:
1607: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
1608: %%
1609: Chicken Little was right.
1610: %%
1611: Chicken Soup, n.:
1612: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
1613: cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
1614: is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
1615: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1616: %%
1617: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
1618: effort to teach them good manners.
1619: %%
1620: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
1621: And that's what parents were created for.
1622: -- Ogden Nash
1623: %%
1624: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
1625: word what you shouldn't have said.
1626: %%
1627: Chism's Law of Completion:
1628: The amount of time required to complete a government project is
1629: precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
1630: %%
1631: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
1632: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
1633: %%
1634: Christ:
1635: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
1636: %%
1637: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
1638: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
1639: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
1640: %%
1641: Cigarette, n.:
1642: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
1643: between.
1644: %%
1645: Cinemuck, n.:
1646: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
1647: covers the floors of movie theaters.
1648: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1649: %%
1650: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
1651: %%
1652: Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
1653: %%
1654: "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
1655: %%
1656: Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
1657: %%
1658: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
1659: society.
1660: -- Mark Twain
1661: %%
1662: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
1663: %%
1664: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
1665: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
1666: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1667: %%
1668: Cold, adj.:
1669: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
1670: %%
1671: Cold, adj.:
1672: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
1673: pockets.
1674: %%
1675: Collaboration, n.:
1676: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
1677: other fellow can spell.
1678: %%
1679: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
1680: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
1681: the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
1682: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
1683: loss to humanity.
1684: -- H. L. Mencken
1685: %%
1686: Colvard's Logical Premises:
1687: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
1688: it won't.
1689: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
1690: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
1691: attracted to.
1692: Grelb's Commentary
1693: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
1694: %%
1695: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
1696: And every vector dreams of matrices.
1697: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
1698: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
1699: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
1700: %%
1701: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
1702: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
1703: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
1704: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
1705: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
1706: %%
1707: Command, n.:
1708: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
1709: such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
1710: %%
1711: COMMENT
1712:
1713: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1714: A medley of extemporanea;
1715: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1716: And I am Marie of Roumania.
1717: -- Dorothy Parker
1718: %%
1719: Commitment, n.:
1720: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
1721: The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
1722: %%
1723: Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
1724: -- Albert Einstein
1725: %%
1726: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
1727: %%
1728: Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
1729: theory.
1730: %%
1731: Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
1732: %%
1733: Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
1734: -- LaRouchefoucauld
1735: %%
1736: Concept, n.:
1737: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
1738: $25,000.
1739: %%
1740: Condense soup, not books!
1741: %%
1742: Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
1743: good for dandruff.
1744: -- Peter de Vries
1745: %%
1746: Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
1747: %%
1748: Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
1749: would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
1750: you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
1751: maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
1752: OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
1753: UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
1754: IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
1755: WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
1756: SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
1757: RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
1758: RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
1759: FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
1760: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
1761: %%
1762: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
1763: -- H. L. Mencken
1764: %%
1765: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
1766: %%
1767: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
1768: give it back to them.
1769: %%
1770: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
1771: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
1772: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
1773: %%
1774: Conversation, n.:
1775: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
1776: is called the listener.
1777: %%
1778: Conway's Law:
1779: In any organization there will always be one person who knows
1780: what is going on.
1781:
1782: This person must be fired.
1783: %%
1784: Coronation, n.:
1785: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
1786: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
1787: bomb.
1788: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1789: %%
1790: Corrupt, adj.:
1791: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
1792: %%
1793: Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
1794: is to enforce the law and fight crime.
1795: -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
1796: %%
1797: Coward, n.:
1798: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
1799: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1800: %%
1801: Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
1802: nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
1803: -- Wernher von Braun
1804: %%
1805: Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
1806: -- A. E. Newman
1807: %%
1808: Critic, n.:
1809: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
1810: to please him.
1811: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1812: %%
1813: Cynic, n.:
1814: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
1815: as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
1816: out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1817: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1818: %%
1819: Cynic, n.:
1820: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
1821: eye.
1822: %%
1823: Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
1824: %%
1825: Dawn, n.:
1826: The time when men of reason go to bed.
1827: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1828: %%
1829: Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
1830: %%
1831: Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
1832: easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
1833: improve.
1834: %%
1835: Dear Lord:
1836: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
1837: the other hand", again.
1838: %%
1839: Dear Miss Manners:
1840: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
1841: elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
1842: courses, is all right. Which is correct?
1843:
1844: Gentle Reader:
1845: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
1846: economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
1847: principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
1848: than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
1849: believes that is.
1850: %%
1851: Dear Miss Manners:
1852: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
1853: your face.
1854:
1855: Gentle Reader:
1856: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
1857: your face ...
1858: %%
1859: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
1860: %%
1861: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
1862: -- R. Geis
1863: %%
1864: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
1865: %%
1866: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
1867: %%
1868: Decisionmaker, n.:
1869: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
1870: before the music stopped.
1871: %%
1872: Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
1873: overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
1874: language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
1875: judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
1876: addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
1877: -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
1878: Assoc.
1879: %%
1880: Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
1881:
1882: Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1883: Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1884: Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1885: Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1886:
1887: Don't we know archaic barrel,
1888: Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1889: Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1890: Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1891: -- Walt Kelly
1892: %%
1893: "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all
1894: sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got
1895: a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
1896: those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
1897: blessed.
1898: -- Randy Davis
1899: %%
1900: DELETE A FORTUNE!
1901:
1902: Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
1903: to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
1904: "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
1905: gets expunged.
1906: %%
1907: Deliberation, n.:
1908: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
1909: buttered on.
1910: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1911: %%
1912: "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
1913: %%
1914: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
1915: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
1916: -- Senator Soaper
1917: %%
1918: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
1919: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
1920: -- G. B. Shaw
1921: %%
1922: Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
1923: Jackasses.
1924: -- H. L. Mencken
1925: %%
1926: Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
1927: are right more than half of the time.
1928: -- E. B. White
1929: %%
1930: Dentist, n.:
1931: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
1932: coins out of one's pockets.
1933: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1934: %%
1935: DETERIORATA
1936:
1937: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
1938: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
1939: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
1940: Rotate your tires.
1941: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
1942: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
1943: Know what to kiss -- and when.
1944: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
1945: But that three do.
1946: Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
1947: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
1948: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
1949: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
1950:
1951: You are a fluke of the universe ...
1952: You have no right to be here.
1953: Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
1954: Is laughing behind your back.
1955: -- National Lampoon
1956: %%
1957: DeVries's Dilemma:
1958: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
1959: hits the paper.
1960: %%
1961: Did you know ...
1962:
1963: That no-one ever reads these things?
1964: %%
1965: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
1966: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1967: %%
1968: Die, v.:
1969: To stop sinning suddenly.
1970: -- Elbert Hubbard
1971: %%
1972: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
1973: conventional thing to happen to him."
1974: -- John Barrymore's dying words
1975: %%
1976: Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
1977: %%
1978: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
1979: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
1980: %%
1981: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
1982: %%
1983: Disc space -- the final frontier!
1984: %%
1985: Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
1986: %%
1987: Distress, n.:
1988: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
1989: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1990: %%
1991: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
1992: %%
1993: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
1994: %%
1995: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
1996: %%
1997: Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
1998: %%
1999: Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
2000: anger.
2001: %%
2002: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
2003: Violators will be prosecuted.
2004: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
2005: %%
2006: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
2007: %%
2008: Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
2009: day as it comes.
2010: -- Donald Kaul
2011: %%
2012: Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
2013: %%
2014: Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
2015: %%
2016: Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
2017: the time to take the dirt out of them?
2018: %%
2019: "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
2020: "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
2021: "I've never done anything illegal before."
2022: "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
2023: %%
2024: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
2025: when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
2026: -- Dick Brandon
2027: %%
2028: Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
2029: be good because the programmers hate it so much.
2030: %%
2031: Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
2032: %%
2033: Don't be humble, you're not that great.
2034: -- Golda Meir
2035: %%
2036: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
2037: %%
2038: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
2039: %%
2040: Don't feed the bats tonight.
2041: %%
2042: Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
2043: misleading. Debug only code.
2044: -- Dave Storer
2045: %%
2046: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
2047: nothing. It was here first.
2048: -- Mark Twain
2049: %%
2050: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
2051: %%
2052: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
2053: %%
2054: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
2055: %%
2056: Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
2057: %%
2058: Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
2059: distance.
2060: %%
2061: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
2062: %%
2063: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
2064: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
2065: %%
2066: "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
2067: -- Darryl F. Zanuck
2068: %%
2069: Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
2070: %%
2071: Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
2072: %%
2073: "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
2074: get more wax!!"
2075: %%
2076: Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
2077: tomorrow in Australia.
2078: -- Charles Schultz
2079: %%
2080: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
2081: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
2082: %%
2083: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
2084: %%
2085: Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
2086: pretty?
2087: W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
2088: bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
2089: sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
2090: Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
2091: W. C.: It's almost impossible.
2092: -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
2093: E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
2094: %%
2095: Down with categorical imperative!
2096: %%
2097: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
2098: %%
2099: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
2100: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
2101: of your eyes.
2102: %%
2103: Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
2104: %%
2105: Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
2106: route!
2107: %%
2108: Ducharm's Axiom:
2109: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
2110: yourself as part of the problem.
2111: %%
2112: Ducharme's Precept:
2113: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
2114: %%
2115: Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
2116: it holds the universe together ...
2117: -- Carl Zwanzig
2118: %%
2119: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
2120: has been discontinued.
2121: %%
2122: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
2123: and captain of your soul.
2124: %%
2125: During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
2126: were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
2127: red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
2128: "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
2129: "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
2130: shot at mine, over there."
2131: %%
2132: During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several
2133: times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
2134: %%
2135: Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to
2136: have nothing whatever to do with it.
2137: -- W. Somerset Maughm
2138: %%
2139: E Pluribus Unix
2140: %%
2141: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
2142: %%
2143: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
2144: %%
2145: /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
2146: %%
2147: /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
2148: %%
2149: "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
2150: -- Jeff Berner
2151: %%
2152: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
2153: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
2154: cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
2155: the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
2156: means the puzzle is solved.
2157: -- Steve Rubenstein
2158: %%
2159: Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
2160: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2161: %%
2162: Economics, n.:
2163: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
2164: Galbraith ...
2165: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2166: %%
2167: Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
2168: -- Adlai Stevenson
2169: %%
2170: Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
2171: people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
2172: comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
2173: the "nog" comes from.
2174:
2175: To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
2176: season, eggs...
2177: %%
2178: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
2179: of being a damned fool.
2180: -- Bellamy Brooks
2181: %%
2182: Egotist, n.:
2183: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
2184: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2185: %%
2186: Ehrman's Commentary:
2187: 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2188: 2. Who said things would get better?
2189: %%
2190: Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
2191: -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
2192: %%
2193: Eisenhower was very nice,
2194: Nixon was his only vice.
2195: -- C. Degen
2196: %%
2197: Eleanor Rigby
2198: Sits at the keyboard
2199: And waits for a line on the screen
2200: Lives in a dream
2201: Waits for a signal
2202: Finding some code
2203: That will make the machine do some more.
2204: What is it for?
2205:
2206: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
2207: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
2208: %%
2209: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
2210: %%
2211: Electrocution, n.:
2212: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2213: %%
2214: Elevators smell different to midgets
2215: %%
2216: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
2217: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
2218: can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
2219: %%
2220: Encyclopedia Salesmen:
2221: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
2222: and tell them your house is being burgled.
2223: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2224: %%
2225: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
2226: Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
2227: -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
2228: %%
2229: Entropy isn't what it used to be.
2230: %%
2231: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
2232: otherwise require harder thinking.
2233: -- Jerome Lettvin
2234: %%
2235: Equal bytes for women.
2236: %%
2237: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
2238: Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
2239: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
2240: Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
2241: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
2242: %%
2243: Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
2244: -- Woody Allen
2245: %%
2246: Etymology, n.:
2247: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that
2248: were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
2249: from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
2250: ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
2251: -- Mike Kellen
2252: %%
2253: Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
2254: speak it to?
2255: -- Clarence Darrow
2256: %%
2257: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
2258: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
2259: %%
2260: Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
2261: States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
2262: %%
2263: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
2264: just how busy they are.
2265: %%
2266: Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman
2267: and stop her.
2268: %%
2269: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
2270: %%
2271: Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
2272: %%
2273: Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
2274: signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
2275: fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
2276: spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
2277: genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
2278: of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
2279: humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
2280: -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
2281: %%
2282: Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
2283:
2284: Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
2285: front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
2286: odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
2287: and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
2288: legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
2289: there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
2290: of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
2291: color"], that does not exist.
2292: %%
2293: Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
2294: -- Don Vonada
2295: %%
2296: Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
2297: -- Miguel de Cervantes
2298: %%
2299: Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
2300: instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
2301: program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
2302: %%
2303: Every program has two purposes --
2304: written and another for which it wasn't.
2305: %%
2306: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
2307: %%
2308: Every solution breeds new problems.
2309: %%
2310: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
2311: guarantee of eventual success.
2312: %%
2313: "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
2314: %%
2315: Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
2316: -- Beckett
2317: %%
2318: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
2319: -- Dykstra
2320: %%
2321: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
2322: %%
2323: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
2324: taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
2325: %%
2326: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
2327: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
2328: scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
2329: wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
2330: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
2331: discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
2332: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
2333: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
2334: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
2335: different way ...
2336: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2337: %%
2338: Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
2339: %%
2340: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
2341: no one we know belongs.
2342: %%
2343: Everything you know is wrong!
2344: %%
2345: Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
2346: obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
2347: solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
2348: There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
2349: straight lines.
2350: -- R. Buckminster Fuller
2351: %%
2352: Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
2353: %%
2354: Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
2355: mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
2356: "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
2357: how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
2358: "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
2359: So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
2360: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
2361: %%
2362: Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
2363: %%
2364: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
2365: %%
2366: Excellent time to become a missing person.
2367: %%
2368: Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
2369: acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
2370: -- W. Somerset Maugham
2371: %%
2372: Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
2373: %%
2374: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
2375: %%
2376: Expense Accounts, n.:
2377: Corporate food stamps.
2378: %%
2379: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
2380: -- Olivier
2381: %%
2382: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
2383: mistake when you make it again.
2384: -- F. P. Jones
2385: %%
2386: Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
2387: the instruction afterward.
2388: %%
2389: Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
2390: ones.
2391: %%
2392: Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
2393: %%
2394: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
2395: %%
2396: F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
2397: %%
2398: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
2399: %%
2400: f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
2401: %%
2402: Fairy Tale, n.:
2403: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
2404: %%
2405: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
2406: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
2407: %%
2408: Faith, n:
2409: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
2410: untrue.
2411: %%
2412: Fakir, n:
2413: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
2414: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
2415: have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
2416: %%
2417: Familiarity breeds attempt
2418: %%
2419: Families, when a child is born
2420: Want it to be intelligent.
2421: I, through intelligence,
2422: Having wrecked my whole life,
2423: Only hope the baby will prove
2424: Ignorant and stupid.
2425: Then he will crown a tranquil life
2426: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
2427: -- Su Tung-p'o
2428: %%
2429: Famous last words:
2430: %%
2431: Famous last words:
2432: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
2433: 2) "You and what army?"
2434: 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
2435: a cop."
2436: %%
2437: Famous last words:
2438: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2439: 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
2440: 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
2441: 4. We won't need reservations.
2442: 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
2443: 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
2444: 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
2445: %%
2446: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
2447: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
2448: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
2449: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
2450: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
2451: are a pretty neat idea ...
2452: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2453: %%
2454: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
2455: every six months.
2456: -- Oscar Wilde
2457: %%
2458: Fats Loves Madelyn
2459: %%
2460: Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
2461: %%
2462: Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
2463: neither will you.
2464: %%
2465: Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
2466: other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
2467: the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
2468: d'oeuvres.
2469: Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
2470: to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
2471: Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
2472: piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
2473: Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
2474: inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
2475: other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
2476: placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
2477: the little hammers strike.
2478: Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
2479: their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
2480: Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
2481:
2482: You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
2483: you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
2484: 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
2485: %%
2486: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
2487: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
2488: Corollary:
2489: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
2490: live.
2491: %%
2492: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
2493: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
2494: there is nothing important to do.
2495: %%
2496: FIGHTING WORDS
2497:
2498: Say my love is easy had,
2499: Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
2500: Say I am too often sad --
2501: Still behold me at your side.
2502:
2503: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
2504: Say I woo and coddle care,
2505: Say the devil touched my tongue --
2506: Still you have my heart to wear.
2507:
2508: But say my verses do not scan,
2509: And I get me another man!
2510: -- Dorothy Parker
2511: %%
2512: Finagle's Creed:
2513: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
2514: %%
2515: Finagle's First Law:
2516: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2517: %%
2518: Finagle's fourth Law:
2519: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
2520: makes it worse.
2521: %%
2522: Finagle's Second Law:
2523: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
2524: someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
2525: believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
2526: %%
2527: Finagle's Third Law:
2528: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
2529: beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
2530:
2531: Corollaries:
2532: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2533: 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
2534: don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
2535: %%
2536: Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
2537: %%
2538: Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
2539: %%
2540: First Law of Bicycling:
2541: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
2542: wind.
2543: %%
2544: First Law of Procrastination:
2545: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
2546: for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
2547: imposed the deadline).
2548: %%
2549: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
2550: Celibacy is not hereditary.
2551: %%
2552: First Rule of History:
2553: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
2554: other.
2555: %%
2556: Flappity, floppity, flip
2557: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
2558: The strip revolved,
2559: The mouse dissolved
2560: In a chronodimensional skip.
2561: %%
2562: FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
2563: the little hand is on the ....
2564: %%
2565: Flon's Law:
2566: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
2567: the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
2568: %%
2569: Flugg's Law:
2570: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
2571: world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
2572: %%
2573: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
2574: %%
2575: For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
2576: always old-fashioned.
2577: %%
2578: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
2579: and wrong.
2580: -- H. L. Mencken
2581: %%
2582: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
2583: -- R. Clopton
2584: %%
2585: "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
2586: of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
2587:
2588: "Whose?"
2589:
2590: "MINE! HA-HA!"
2591: %%
2592: For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
2593: "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
2594: -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
2595: the U.S.
2596: %%
2597: For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
2598: %%
2599: "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
2600: a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
2601: computers altogether?"
2602: -- Jehan Shuman
2603: %%
2604: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
2605: like.
2606: -- Abraham Lincoln
2607: %%
2608: For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
2609: I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
2610: But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
2611: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
2612: -- Justin Richardson.
2613: %%
2614: Forgetfulness, n.:
2615: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
2616: destitution of conscience.
2617: %%
2618: Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
2619:
2620: Don't Write On Walls!
2621:
2622: (and underneath)
2623:
2624: You want I should type?
2625: %%
2626: Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
2627: Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
2628: impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
2629: clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
2630: exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
2631:
2632: DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
2633: having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
2634: HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
2635: DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
2636: is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
2637: large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
2638: amounts of fertilization.
2639: HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
2640: teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
2641: %%
2642: FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
2643:
2644: Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
2645: liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
2646: light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
2647: drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
2648: %%
2649: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
2650: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
2651: instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
2652: Corollary:
2653: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
2654: except study for that instructor's course.
2655: %%
2656: Fourth Law of Revision:
2657: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
2658: interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
2659: you.
2660: %%
2661: Fresco's Discovery:
2662: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
2663: %%
2664: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
2665: Let me clue you in;
2666: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
2667: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
2668: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
2669: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
2670: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
2671: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
2672: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
2673: So are they all, all cool cats, --
2674: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
2675: %%
2676: Frisbeetarianism, n.:
2677: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
2678: gets stuck.
2679: %%
2680: Frobnicate, v.:
2681: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
2682: Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
2683: frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
2684: sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
2685: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
2686: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
2687: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
2688: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
2689: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
2690: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
2691: %%
2692: From too much love of living,
2693: From hope and fear set free,
2694: We thank with brief thanksgiving,
2695: Whatever gods may be,
2696: That no life lives forever,
2697: That dead men rise up never,
2698: That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
2699: -- Swinburne
2700: %%
2701: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
2702: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
2703: %%
2704: Furbling, v.:
2705: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
2706: even when you are the only person in line.
2707: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2708: %%
2709: Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
2710: -- H. H. Williams
2711: %%
2712: Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
2713: %%
2714: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
2715: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
2716: secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
2717: `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
2718: And that's your chance, my boy."
2719: %%
2720: Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
2721: %%
2722: Garter, n.:
2723: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
2724: stockings and desolating the country.
2725: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2726: %%
2727: Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
2728: on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
2729: -- Adventures of Asterix.
2730: %%
2731: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
2732:
2733: Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
2734: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
2735: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
2736: Obvious, isn't it?
2737: Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
2738: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
2739: long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
2740: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
2741: so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
2742: individuals and then grow ...
2743: Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
2744: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
2745: everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
2746: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
2747: backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
2748: think not, my friend, I think not.
2749: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2750: %%
2751: "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
2752: extracurricular activity except you."
2753: "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2754: "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2755:
2756: -- Firesign Theater
2757: %%
2758: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
2759: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
2760: are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
2761: little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
2762: incest.
2763: %%
2764: GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
2765: Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
2766: you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy
2767: praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
2768: sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
2769: room.
2770: %%
2771: Genderplex, n.:
2772: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
2773: determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
2774: tortoises).
2775: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2776: %%
2777: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
2778: you should.
2779: %%
2780: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
2781: handicapped.
2782: -- Elbert Hubbard
2783: %%
2784: Genius, n.:
2785: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
2786: "bright".
2787: %%
2788: George Orwell was an optimist.
2789: %%
2790: Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
2791: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
2792: direction.
2793: 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
2794: 3. The energy required to change either one of these states
2795: will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
2796: much as to make the task totally impossible.
2797: %%
2798: Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
2799: %%
2800: Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
2801: %%
2802: -- Gifts for Children --
2803:
2804: This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
2805: because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
2806: and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
2807: morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
2808: exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
2809: your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
2810: Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
2811: might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
2812: me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
2813: who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
2814: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
2815: %%
2816: -- Gifts for Men --
2817:
2818: Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
2819: ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
2820: should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
2821: clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
2822: example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
2823: three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
2824: that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
2825: at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
2826: So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
2827: years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
2828: pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
2829:
2830: If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
2831: than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
2832: of tires.
2833: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
2834: %%
2835: Gimmie That Old Time Religion
2836: We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
2837: Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
2838: I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
2839: And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
2840: (chorus) (chorus)
2841:
2842: In the church of Aphrodite,
2843: The priestess wears a see through nightie,
2844: She's a mighty righteous sightie,
2845: And she's good enough for me!
2846: (chorus)
2847:
2848: CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
2849: Give me that old time religion,
2850: Give me that old time religion,
2851: 'Cause it's good enough for me!
2852: %%
2853: Ginsberg's Theorem:
2854: 1. You can't win.
2855: 2. You can't break even.
2856: 3. You can't even quit the game.
2857:
2858: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
2859:
2860: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
2861: meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
2862: Theorem. To wit:
2863:
2864: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2865: 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
2866: even.
2867: 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
2868: game.
2869: %%
2870: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
2871: to stand, and I will drain the world.
2872: %%
2873: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
2874: %%
2875: Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
2876: a new town.
2877: %%
2878: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
2879: %%
2880: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
2881: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
2882: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
2883: some useful work done.
2884: %%
2885: Go 'way! You're bothering me!
2886: %%
2887: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
2888: be in owning a piece thereof.
2889: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
2890: %%
2891: //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
2892: %%
2893: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
2894: and then pulled an all-nighter.
2895: %%
2896: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
2897:
2898: Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
2899: at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
2900: saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
2901: though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
2902: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2903: %%
2904: God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
2905: The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
2906: not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
2907: ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
2908: smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
2909: water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
2910: the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
2911: night!
2912: -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
2913: %%
2914: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
2915: %%
2916: God is a polythiest
2917: %%
2918: God is Dead
2919: -- Nietzsche
2920: Nietzsche is Dead
2921: -- God
2922: Nietzsche is God
2923: -- The Dead
2924: %%
2925: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
2926: %%
2927: God is real, unless declared integer.
2928: %%
2929: God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
2930: elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
2931: other things.
2932: -- Pablo Picasso
2933: %%
2934: God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
2935: -- Alfred Jarry
2936: %%
2937: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
2938: %%
2939: God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
2940: %%
2941: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
2942: -- Mark Twain
2943: %%
2944: God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
2945: -- Kronecker
2946: %%
2947: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
2948: %%
2949: God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
2950: -- Albert Einstein
2951: %%
2952: God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
2953: %%
2954: God rest ye CS students now,
2955: Let nothing you dismay.
2956: The VAX is down and won't be up,
2957: Until the first of May.
2958: The program that was due this morn,
2959: Won't be postponed, they say.
2960:
2961: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
2962: Comfort and joy,
2963: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
2964:
2965: The bearings on the drum are gone,
2966: The disk is wobbling, too.
2967: We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
2968: Can't tell false from true.
2969: And now we find that we can't get
2970: At Berkeley's 4.2.
2971:
2972: (chorus)
2973: %%
2974: Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
2975: school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
2976: person a car.
2977: %%
2978: Gold, n.:
2979: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
2980: is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
2981: immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
2982: hasn't done anything to them.
2983: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2984: %%
2985: Goldenstern's Rules:
2986: 1. Always hire a rich attorney
2987: 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
2988: %%
2989: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
2990: example.
2991: -- La Rouchefoucauld
2992: %%
2993: Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
2994: %%
2995: Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
2996: %%
2997: Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
2998: %%
2999: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
3000: %%
3001: Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
3002: %%
3003: Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
3004: %%
3005: Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
3006: %%
3007: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
3008: new lover.
3009: %%
3010: Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
3011: -- George Saunders' dying words
3012: %%
3013: Got Mole problems?
3014: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
3015: %%
3016: Goto, n.:
3017: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
3018: to complain about unstructured programmers.
3019: -- Ray Simard
3020: %%
3021: Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
3022: as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
3023:
3024: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
3025: Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
3026: Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
3027: "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
3028: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
3029: Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
3030: Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
3031: goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
3032: Jews won't go near them ..."
3033: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3034: %%
3035: Grabel's Law:
3036: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
3037: %%
3038: Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
3039: %%
3040: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
3041: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
3042: %%
3043: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
3044: %%
3045: Gray's Law of Programming:
3046: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
3047: time as `_n' tasks.
3048:
3049: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
3050: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
3051: %%
3052: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917
3053:
3054: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
3055: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
3056: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
3057: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
3058: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
3059: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
3060: stood lookout.
3061: %%
3062: Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
3063: tickets.
3064: %%
3065: Greener's Law:
3066: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
3067: %%
3068: Grelb's Reminder:
3069: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
3070: average drivers.
3071: %%
3072: "Grub first, then ethics."
3073: -- Bertolt Brecht
3074: %%
3075: Gyroscope, n.:
3076: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
3077: free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
3078: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
3079: mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
3080: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
3081: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
3082: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
3083: -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
3084: %%
3085: H. L. Mencken's Law:
3086: Those who can -- do.
3087: Those who can't -- teach.
3088:
3089: Martin's Extension:
3090: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
3091: %%
3092: Hacker's Law:
3093: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
3094: a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
3095: %%
3096: Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
3097: %%
3098: ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
3099: and you would not have been informed.
3100: %%
3101: Hail to the sun god
3102: He sure is a fun god
3103: Ra! Ra! Ra!
3104: %%
3105: Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
3106: %%
3107: Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
3108: crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
3109: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
3110: the the difference between life and death.
3111: You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
3112: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
3113: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
3114: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
3115: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
3116: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
3117: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
3118: Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
3119: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3120: %%
3121: Hall's Laws of Politics:
3122: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
3123: (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
3124: fixed.
3125: (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
3126: military spending, and conservatives social spending in
3127: their own districts).
3128: %%
3129: Hand, n.:
3130: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
3131: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
3132: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3133: %%
3134: Hanlon's Razor:
3135: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
3136: stupidity.
3137: %%
3138: Hanson's Treatment of Time:
3139: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
3140: before Saturday.
3141: %%
3142: Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
3143: -- Ogden Nash
3144: %%
3145: Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
3146: -- Oscar Levant
3147: %%
3148: Happiness, n.:
3149: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
3150: another.
3151: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3152: %%
3153: Hardware, n.:
3154: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
3155: %%
3156: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
3157: The Duke is fond of kittens
3158: He likes to take their insides out
3159: And use them for his mittens
3160: From "The Thirteen Clocks"
3161: %%
3162: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
3163: Advertising wondrous things.
3164: -- Tom Leher
3165: %%
3166: Harris's Lament:
3167: All the good ones are taken.
3168: %%
3169: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
3170: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
3171: equipment ruined.
3172: %%
3173: Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
3174: makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
3175: famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
3176: probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
3177: have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
3178: enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
3179: attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
3180: down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
3181: just like Richard Nixon."
3182: -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
3183: %%
3184: Hartley's First Law:
3185: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
3186: on his back, you've got something.
3187: %%
3188: Hartley's Second Law:
3189: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
3190: %%
3191: Harvard Law:
3192: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
3193: temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
3194: organism will do as it damn well pleases.
3195: %%
3196: Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
3197: typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
3198: keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
3199: of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
3200: not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
3201: %%
3202: Has your family tried 'em?
3203:
3204: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
3205:
3206: Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
3207:
3208: They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
3209: the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
3210:
3211: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
3212:
3213: Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
3214: the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
3215: stains that indicate freshness.
3216: %%
3217: Hatred, n.:
3218: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
3219: superiority.
3220: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3221: %%
3222: Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
3223: you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
3224: for play?
3225: %%
3226: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
3227: crack in your sidewalk?
3228: %%
3229: He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
3230: heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
3231: of ever behaving "normally."
3232: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
3233: %%
3234: He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
3235: -- Oscar Wilde
3236: %%
3237: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
3238: -- Mark Twain
3239: %%
3240: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
3241: %%
3242: He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
3243: -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
3244: %%
3245: He thought he saw an albatross
3246: That fluttered 'round the lamp.
3247: He looked again and saw it was
3248: A penny postage stamp.
3249: "You'd best be getting home," he said,
3250: "The nights are rather damp."
3251: %%
3252: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
3253: eyes ..."
3254: %%
3255: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
3256: attacks democracy itself.
3257: -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
3258: %%
3259: He who Laughs, Lasts.
3260: %%
3261: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
3262: %%
3263: He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
3264: there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
3265: %%
3266: "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
3267: %%
3268: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
3269: SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
3270: -- Walt Kelley
3271: %%
3272: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
3273: %%
3274: Heaven, n.:
3275: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
3276: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
3277: expound your own.
3278: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3279: %%
3280: Heavy, adj.:
3281: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
3282: %%
3283: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
3284: %%
3285: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
3286: -- Milton Friedman
3287: %%
3288: Heller's Law:
3289: The first myth of management is that it exists.
3290:
3291: Johnson's Corollary:
3292: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
3293: organization.
3294: %%
3295: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
3296: %%
3297: Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
3298: %%
3299: Her locks an ancient lady gave
3300: Her loving husband's life to save;
3301: And men -- they honored so the dame --
3302: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
3303:
3304: But to our modern married fair,
3305: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
3306: No stellar recognition's given.
3307: There are not stars enough in heaven.
3308: %%
3309: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
3310: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
3311: %%
3312: Here I sit, broken-hearted,
3313: All logged in, but work unstarted.
3314: First net.this and net.that,
3315: And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
3316:
3317: The boss comes by, and I play the game,
3318: Then I turn back to net.flame.
3319: Is there a cure (I need your views),
3320: For someone trapped in net.news?
3321:
3322: I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
3323: 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
3324: %%
3325: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
3326: I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
3327: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
3328: I'm Salome, moon of the East.
3329:
3330: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
3331: Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
3332: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
3333: With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
3334:
3335: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
3336: At whose beckoning history shook.
3337: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
3338: So I stay at home with a book.
3339: -- Dorothy Parker
3340: %%
3341: Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
3342: lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
3343: your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
3344: Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
3345: pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
3346: but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
3347: important electrical lesson.
3348:
3349: It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
3350: your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
3351: objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
3352: attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
3353: collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
3354: friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
3355: carpet, thus completing the circuit.
3356:
3357: Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
3358: touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
3359: finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
3360: have carpeting.
3361: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
3362: %%
3363: Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
3364: month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
3365: are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
3366: The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
3367: (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
3368: tadpole".
3369: Bite the wax tadpole.
3370: There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
3371: The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
3372: hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
3373: bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
3374: but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
3375: -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
3376: %%
3377: Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
3378: then they'd be algorithms.
3379: %%
3380: "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
3381: -- W. C. Fields
3382: %%
3383: Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
3384: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
3385: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
3386: %%
3387: Higgeldy Piggeldy,
3388: Hamlet of Elsinore
3389: Ruffled the critics by
3390: Dropping this bomb:
3391: "Phooey on Freud and his
3392: Psychoanalysis --
3393: Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
3394: I just loved Mom."
3395: %%
3396: Hindsight is an exact science.
3397: %%
3398: Hippogriff, n.:
3399: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
3400: The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
3401: The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
3402: is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
3403: of surprises.
3404: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3405: %%
3406: Hire the morally handicapped.
3407: %%
3408: "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
3409: -- Foghorn Leghorn
3410: %%
3411: "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
3412: %%
3413: History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
3414: %%
3415: Hlade's Law:
3416: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
3417: will find an easier way to do it.
3418: %%
3419: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
3420: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
3421: out.
3422: %%
3423: Hofstadter's Law:
3424: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
3425: Hofstadter's Law into account.
3426: %%
3427: Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
3428: -- Rex Reed
3429: %%
3430: "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
3431: %%
3432: Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
3433: -- F. M. Hubbard
3434: %%
3435: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
3436: %%
3437: Honk if you love peace and quiet.
3438: %%
3439: Honorable, adj.:
3440: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
3441: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
3442: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
3443: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3444: %%
3445: Horngren's Observation:
3446: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
3447: %%
3448: Horngren's Observation:
3449: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
3450: %%
3451: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
3452: people.
3453: -- W. C. Fields
3454: %%
3455: How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
3456: %%
3457: How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
3458: %%
3459: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
3460: %%
3461: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
3462: -- Elliot, "E.T."
3463: %%
3464: How doth the little crocodile
3465: Improve his shining tail,
3466: And pour the waters of the Nile
3467: On every golden scale!
3468:
3469: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
3470: How neatly spreads his claws,
3471: And welcomes little fishes in,
3472: With gently smiling jaws!
3473: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
3474: %%
3475: How doth the VAX's C compiler
3476: Improve its object code.
3477: And even as we speak does it
3478: Increase the system load.
3479:
3480: How patiently it seems to run
3481: And spit out error flags,
3482: While users, with frustration, all
3483: Tear their clothes to rags.
3484: %%
3485: How doth the VAX's C-compiler
3486: Improve its object code.
3487: And even as we speak does it
3488: Increase the system load.
3489:
3490: How patiently it seems to run
3491: And spit out error flags,
3492: While users, with frustration, all
3493: Tear all their clothes to rags.
3494: %%
3495: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
3496: on.
3497: %%
3498: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3499: None: "We'll fix it in software."
3500:
3501: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3502: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
3503:
3504: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3505: None: "The user can work it out."
3506: %%
3507: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3508:
3509: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
3510: the way.
3511: %%
3512: How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
3513: Dayton?
3514: -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
3515: %%
3516: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
3517: %%
3518: Howe's Law:
3519: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
3520: %%
3521: However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
3522: manner ... sulking and nausea.
3523: -- Tom K. Ryan
3524: %%
3525: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
3526: %%
3527: Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
3528: 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
3529: operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
3530: catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
3531: his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
3532: the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
3533: Nobel Prize.
3534: %%
3535: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
3536: %%
3537: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
3538: -- William Gilbert
3539: %%
3540: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
3541: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
3542: to ..... to ........ uh ..............
3543: %%
3544: I am changing my name to Crysler
3545: I am going down to Washington, D.C.
3546: I will tell some power broker
3547: What they did for Iacocca
3548: Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
3549: I am changing my name to Chrysler,
3550: I am heading for that great receiving line.
3551: When they hand a million grand out,
3552: I'll be standing with my hand out,
3553: Yessir, I'll get mine!
3554: %%
3555: "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
3556: -- Paul McCracken
3557: %%
3558: I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
3559: -- Gloria Steinem
3560: %%
3561: "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
3562: -- English Professor
3563: %%
3564: I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
3565: great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
3566: -- Winston Churchill
3567: %%
3568: "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
3569: has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
3570: --English Professor, Ohio University
3571: %%
3572: I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
3573: %%
3574: I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
3575: pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
3576: you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
3577: atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
3578: inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
3579: -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
3580: %%
3581: I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
3582: -- G. K. Chesterton
3583: %%
3584: I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
3585: -- Will Rogers
3586: %%
3587: I bet the human brain is a kludge.
3588: -- Marvin Minsky
3589: %%
3590: I can resist anything but temptation.
3591: %%
3592: I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
3593: -- Joe Walsh
3594: %%
3595: I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
3596: -- Lillian Hellman
3597: %%
3598: I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
3599:
3600: What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
3601: grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
3602: of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
3603: United States would have lost World War II."
3604: -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
3605: %%
3606: "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
3607: voice.
3608: "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
3609: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
3610: I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
3611: Elven-lore:
3612:
3613: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
3614: Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
3615: Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
3616: This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
3617: The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
3618: The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
3619: If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
3620: If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
3621: %%
3622: I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
3623: -- Isaac Asimov
3624: %%
3625: I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
3626: with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
3627: -- Galileo Galilei
3628: %%
3629: I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
3630: -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
3631: %%
3632: I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
3633: don't believe in astrology.
3634: -- James R. F. Quirk
3635: %%
3636: "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
3637: nominating"
3638: -- Boss Tweed
3639: %%
3640: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
3641: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
3642: %%
3643: I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
3644: waiting to abuse me.
3645: --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
3646: %%
3647: "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
3648: Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--
3649: till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
3650: you!'"
3651: "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
3652: objected.
3653: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
3654: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
3655: less."
3656: "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
3657: so many different things."
3658: "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
3659: that's all."
3660: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
3661: %%
3662: I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
3663: eat it, and I just hate it.
3664: -- Clarence Darrow
3665: %%
3666: I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
3667: %%
3668: I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
3669: on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
3670: he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
3671: becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
3672: -- George Bernard Shaw
3673: %%
3674: "I drink to make other people interesting."
3675: -- George Jean Nathan
3676: %%
3677: I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the
3678: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
3679: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
3680: can't be measured in monetary terms.
3681:
3682: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
3683: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
3684: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
3685: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
3686: understand his long delay.
3687: %%
3688: I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
3689: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
3690: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
3691: can't be measured in monetary terms.
3692:
3693: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
3694: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
3695: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
3696: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
3697: understand his long delay.
3698: %%
3699: I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
3700: -- Mae West
3701: %%
3702: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
3703: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
3704: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
3705: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
3706:
3707: Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
3708: My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
3709: But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
3710: And think of the places my get-up has been.
3711: -- Pete Seeger
3712: %%
3713: I hate quotations.
3714: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
3715: %%
3716: I have a simple philosophy:
3717:
3718: Fill what's empty.
3719: Empty what's full.
3720: Scratch where it itches.
3721: -- A. R. Longworth
3722: %%
3723: I have learned
3724: To spell hors d'oeuvres
3725: Which still grates on
3726: Some people's n'oeuvres.
3727: -- Warren Knox
3728: %%
3729: I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that
3730: I have never made one.
3731: -- James Gordon Bennett
3732: %%
3733: I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
3734: make it shorter.
3735: -- Blaise Pascal
3736: %%
3737: I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
3738: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
3739: %%
3740: I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
3741: -- Oscar Wilde
3742: %%
3743: I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
3744: %%
3745: I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
3746: %%
3747: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
3748: -- Bill Hoest
3749: %%
3750: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
3751: World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
3752: -- Albert Einstein
3753: %%
3754: I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
3755: -- Art Leo
3756: %%
3757: I like work ...
3758: I can sit and watch it for hours.
3759: %%
3760: I like your game but we have to change the rules.
3761: %%
3762: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
3763: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
3764: %%
3765: "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
3766: week sometimes to make it up."
3767: -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
3768: %%
3769: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
3770: %%
3771: I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
3772: was to go away.
3773: %%
3774: I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
3775: %%
3776: I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
3777: slob.
3778: -- William F. Buckley
3779: %%
3780: "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
3781: that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
3782: more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
3783: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
3784: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
3785: otherwise.'"
3786: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
3787: %%
3788: I really hate this damned machine
3789: I wish that they would sell it.
3790: It never does quite what I want
3791: But only what I tell it.
3792: %%
3793: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
3794: %%
3795: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
3796: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
3797: Bernoulli would have been content to die
3798: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
3799: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
3800: %%
3801: I sent a letter to the fish,
3802: I told them, "This is what I wish."
3803: The little fishes of the sea,
3804: They sent an answer back to me.
3805: The little fishes' answer was
3806: "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
3807: I sent a letter back to say
3808: It would be better to obey.
3809: But someone came to me and said
3810: "The little fishes are in bed."
3811: I said to him, and I said it plain
3812: "Then you must wake them up again."
3813: I said it very loud and clear,
3814: I went and shouted in his ear.
3815: But he was very stiff and proud,
3816: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
3817: And he was very proud and stiff,
3818: He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
3819: I took a kettle from the shelf,
3820: I went to wake them up myself.
3821: But when I found the door was locked
3822: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
3823: And when I found the door was shut,
3824: I tried to turn the handle, But ...
3825:
3826: "Is that all?" asked Alice.
3827: "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
3828: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
3829: %%
3830: I think that I shall never see
3831: A billboard lovely as a tree.
3832: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
3833: I'll never see a tree at all.
3834: -- Ogden Nash
3835: %%
3836: I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
3837: %%
3838: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
3839: %%
3840: "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
3841: Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
3842: HAW"!!'"
3843: -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
3844: %%
3845: I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
3846: didn't know.
3847: -- Mark Twain
3848: %%
3849: I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
3850: it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
3851: stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
3852: I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
3853: absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
3854: developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
3855: Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
3856: temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
3857: chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
3858: the point where it would not run at all.
3859: -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
3860: Holes and the Fate of Stars"
3861: %%
3862: I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's
3863: a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
3864: -- Gallagher
3865: %%
3866: I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
3867: always worked for me.
3868: -- Hunter S. Thompson
3869: %%
3870: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
3871: %%
3872: "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
3873: to undo it."
3874: %%
3875: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
3876: %%
3877: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
3878: snore."
3879: %%
3880: "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
3881: `Y.'"
3882: %%
3883: "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
3884: blender."
3885: %%
3886: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
3887: garage door."
3888: %%
3889: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
3890: Julian to Gregorian."
3891: %%
3892: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
3893: static cling."
3894: %%
3895: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
3896: %%
3897: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
3898: cottage cheese sculpture."
3899: %%
3900: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
3901: %%
3902: "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
3903: transplant."
3904: %%
3905: "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
3906: %%
3907: "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
3908: %%
3909: "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
3910: came back."
3911: %%
3912: "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
3913: tuned."
3914: %%
3915: "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
3916: need worrying about."
3917: %%
3918: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
3919: %%
3920: I'll grant the random access to my heart,
3921: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
3922: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
3923: And in our bound partition never part.
3924: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
3925: %%
3926: I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
3927: man.
3928: %%
3929: I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
3930: sister.
3931: %%
3932: I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
3933: die in.
3934: -- George McGovern
3935: %%
3936: I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
3937: -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
3938: %%
3939: I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
3940: N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
3941: I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
3942: She's traversed me seven times before.
3943: And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
3944: Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
3945: I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
3946: N-ary the tree I am, I am,
3947: N-ary the tree I am.
3948: %%
3949: I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
3950: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
3951: %%
3952: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
3953: life.
3954: %%
3955: I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
3956: soon ...
3957: %%
3958: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
3959: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
3960: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
3961: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
3962: -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
3963: %%
3964: IBM had a PL/I,
3965: Its syntax worse than JOSS;
3966: And everywhere this language went,
3967: It was a total loss.
3968: %%
3969: Idiot Box, n.:
3970: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
3971: stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
3972: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3973: %%
3974: Idiot, n.:
3975: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
3976: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
3977: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3978: %%
3979: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
3980: -- Roy Santoro
3981: %%
3982: If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
3983: passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
3984: -- T. Cheatham
3985: %%
3986: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
3987: him up.
3988: %%
3989: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
3990: %%
3991: If all be true that I do think,
3992: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
3993: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
3994: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
3995: Or any other reason why.
3996: %%
3997: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
3998: error.
3999: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
4000: %%
4001: If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
4002: -- Paul Beatty
4003: %%
4004: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
4005: conclusion.
4006: -- William Baumol
4007: %%
4008: If an S and an I and an O and a U
4009: With an X at the end spell Su;
4010: And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
4011: Pray what is a speller to do?
4012: Then, if also an S and an I and a G
4013: And an HED spell side,
4014: There's nothing much left for a speller to do
4015: But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
4016: -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
4017: %%
4018: If anything can go wrong, it will.
4019: %%
4020: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
4021: %%
4022: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
4023: %%
4024: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
4025: tellers?
4026: %%
4027: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
4028: %%
4029: If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
4030: %%
4031: If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
4032: %%
4033: ... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
4034: the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
4035: asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
4036: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4037: %%
4038: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
4039: %%
4040: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
4041: %%
4042: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
4043: Ears.
4044: %%
4045: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
4046: Heads.
4047: %%
4048: If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
4049: green, baggy skin.
4050: %%
4051: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
4052: %%
4053: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
4054: invent it.
4055: %%
4056: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
4057: hands.
4058: %%
4059: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
4060: %%
4061: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
4062: -- Yiddish saying
4063: %%
4064: If I don't drive around the park,
4065: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
4066: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
4067: I may get back my looks again.
4068: If I abstain from fun and such,
4069: I'll probably amount to much;
4070: But I shall stay the way I am,
4071: Because I do not give a damn.
4072: -- Dorothy Parker
4073: %%
4074: If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
4075: plantation and go home.
4076: -- Eugene P. Gallagher
4077: %%
4078: If I had any humility I would be perfect.
4079: -- Ted Turner
4080: %%
4081: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
4082: -- Albert Einstein
4083: %%
4084: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
4085:
4086: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
4087: also a psychological interaction.
4088:
4089: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
4090: friendly.
4091:
4092: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
4093: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
4094: %%
4095: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
4096: As Dame Fortune did intend,
4097: Murphy would be there to tell me
4098: The pot's at the other end.
4099: -- Bert Whitney
4100: %%
4101: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
4102: %%
4103: If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
4104: %%
4105: If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
4106: They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
4107: of it.
4108: -- Thomas Carlyle
4109: %%
4110: If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
4111: %%
4112: If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
4113: you've got in the house.
4114: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4115: %%
4116: If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
4117: the page number.
4118: %%
4119: If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
4120: %%
4121: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
4122: in my name at a Swiss bank.
4123: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
4124: %%
4125: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
4126: %%
4127: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
4128: having to accomplish anything.
4129: %%
4130: If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
4131: arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
4132: physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
4133: entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
4134: -- Vannevar Bush
4135: %%
4136: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
4137: harder.
4138: -- Pope John Paul I
4139: %%
4140: If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
4141: -- Norm Schryer
4142: %%
4143: If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
4144: get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
4145: See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
4146: the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
4147: that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
4148: college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
4149: and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
4150: rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
4151: Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
4152: interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
4153: opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
4154: himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
4155: boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
4156: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
4157: %%
4158: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
4159: me!"
4160: -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
4161: %%
4162: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
4163: are 50-50 it will.
4164: %%
4165: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
4166: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
4167: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
4168: exceed all expectations.
4169: -- Reverend Chichester
4170: %%
4171: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
4172: %%
4173: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
4174: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
4175: %%
4176: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
4177: -- Art Hoppe
4178: %%
4179: If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
4180: %%
4181: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
4182: %%
4183: If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
4184: doing the thinking.
4185: -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
4186: %%
4187: If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
4188: headed.
4189: %%
4190: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
4191: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
4192: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
4193: -- Marguerite Emmons
4194: %%
4195: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
4196: -- J. Paul Getty
4197: %%
4198: If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
4199: %%
4200: If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
4201: %%
4202: If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
4203: call.
4204: %%
4205: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
4206: %%
4207: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
4208: -- Harry S Truman
4209: %%
4210: If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
4211: %%
4212: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
4213: %%
4214: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
4215: will.
4216: %%
4217: If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
4218: will always do it.
4219: -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
4220: %%
4221: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
4222: make the rubble bounce"
4223: -- Winston Churchill
4224: %%
4225: If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
4226: %%
4227: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
4228: %%
4229: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
4230: %%
4231: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
4232: -- Graham Summer
4233: %%
4234: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
4235: really make them think they'll hate you.
4236: %%
4237: If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
4238: -- Maslow
4239: %%
4240: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
4241: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
4242: develop.
4243: %%
4244: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
4245: you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
4246: -- Mark Twain
4247: %%
4248: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
4249: you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
4250: ice, but no cup.
4251: %%
4252: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
4253: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
4254: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
4255: %%
4256: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
4257: -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
4258: %%
4259: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
4260: tomorrow!
4261: %%
4262: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
4263: payments.
4264: -- Earl Wilson
4265: %%
4266: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
4267: shopping center in the world?
4268: -- Richard M. Nixon
4269: %%
4270: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
4271: shopping center in the world?
4272: -- Richard Nixon
4273: %%
4274: If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
4275: be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
4276: you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
4277: another party next year.
4278:
4279: What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
4280: several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
4281: been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
4282: avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
4283: parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
4284: having another one ...
4285:
4286: If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
4287: your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
4288: through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
4289: that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
4290: someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
4291: %%
4292: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
4293: word you say, talk in your sleep.
4294: %%
4295: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
4296: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
4297: it, even if they don't know what it means."
4298: -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
4299: %%
4300: If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
4301: tomorrow morning, sleep late.
4302: -- Henny Youngman
4303: %%
4304: If you're happy, you're successful.
4305: %%
4306: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
4307: %%
4308: If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
4309: -- Benjamin Disraeli
4310: %%
4311: If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
4312: off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
4313: universe?
4314: %%
4315: If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
4316: -- Ronald Reagan
4317: %%
4318: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
4319: Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
4320: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
4321: Et le m^omerade horgrave.
4322: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
4323: %%
4324: Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
4325: land He's trying to ignore.
4326: %%
4327: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
4328: -- Jules de Gaultier
4329: %%
4330: Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
4331: a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
4332: storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on
4333: voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
4334: What's the first question that the computer community asks?
4335:
4336: "Is it PC compatible?"
4337: %%
4338: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
4339: -- Edgar A. Shoaff
4340: %%
4341: Impartial, adj.:
4342: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
4343: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
4344: conflicting opinions.
4345: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4346: %%
4347: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
4348: mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
4349: Boss is reading it.
4350: %%
4351: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
4352: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
4353: %%
4354: In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
4355: junior, what are you up to?"
4356: "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
4357: rabbit.
4358: "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
4359: "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
4360: rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
4361: expression on his face.
4362: Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
4363: "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
4364: devour wolves."
4365: "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
4366: "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
4367: out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
4368: Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
4369: should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
4370: next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
4371:
4372: The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
4373: it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
4374: %%
4375: In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
4376: of the risks he takes.
4377: -- Adlai Stevenson
4378: %%
4379: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
4380: incompetency
4381: -- The Peter Principle
4382: %%
4383: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
4384: are to be treated as variables.
4385: %%
4386: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
4387: will be temporarily canceled.
4388: %%
4389: In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
4390: make it better.
4391: %%
4392: "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
4393: -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
4394: %%
4395: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
4396: resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
4397: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
4398: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4399: %%
4400: In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
4401: programming languages.
4402: %%
4403: In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
4404: into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
4405: between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
4406: will only make it mushy.
4407: -- Mark Twain
4408: %%
4409: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
4410: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
4411: from the cares of office.
4412: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4413: %%
4414: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
4415: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
4416: Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
4417: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
4418: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4419: %%
4420: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
4421: %%
4422: [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
4423: could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
4424: that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
4425:
4426: And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
4427: over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
4428: didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
4429: point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
4430: we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
4431:
4432: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
4433: Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
4434: ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
4435: rolled back.
4436: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
4437: %%
4438: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
4439: the proper order then why can't he?
4440: %%
4441: In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
4442: Dead.
4443: -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
4444: %%
4445: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
4446: -- Alan Perlis
4447: %%
4448: In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
4449: a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
4450: to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
4451: forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
4452: stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
4453: punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
4454: enough to punch you.
4455: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4456: %%
4457: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
4458: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
4459: discotheques.
4460: -- Art Linkletter
4461: %%
4462: Incumbent, n.:
4463: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
4464: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4465: %%
4466: Information Center, n.:
4467: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
4468: to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
4469: %%
4470: Ingrate, n.:
4471: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
4472: indigestion.
4473: %%
4474: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
4475: -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
4476: %%
4477: Ink, n.:
4478: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
4479: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
4480: intellectual crime.
4481: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4482: %%
4483: Innovation is hard to schedule.
4484: -- Dan Fylstra
4485: %%
4486: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
4487: %%
4488: Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
4489: salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
4490: %%
4491: Interpreter, n.:
4492: One who enables two persons of different languages to
4493: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
4494: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
4495: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4496: %%
4497: INVENTORY
4498: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
4499: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
4500:
4501: Four be the things I'd been better without:
4502: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
4503:
4504: Three be the things I shall never attain:
4505: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
4506:
4507: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
4508: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
4509: %%
4510: Iron Law of Distribution:
4511: Them that has, gets.
4512: %%
4513: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
4514: meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
4515: soap bubble?
4516: %%
4517: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
4518: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
4519: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
4520: -- Ralph Emerson
4521: %%
4522: Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
4523: %%
4524: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
4525: tellers take economists seriously?
4526: %%
4527: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
4528:
4529: The Course of Progress:
4530: Most things get steadily worse.
4531:
4532: The Path of Progress:
4533: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
4534: %%
4535: It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
4536: thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
4537: drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
4538: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4539: %%
4540: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
4541: %%
4542: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
4543: program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
4544: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
4545: self-critical?
4546: -- Alan Perlis
4547: %%
4548: It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your
4549: parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all
4550: to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will
4551: have to act like mature human beings ...
4552: -- Playboy, January 1983
4553: %%
4554: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
4555: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
4556: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
4557: -- Voltaire
4558: %%
4559: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
4560: %%
4561: It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
4562: benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
4563: to use either.
4564: -- Mark Twain
4565: %%
4566: It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
4567: incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
4568: twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
4569: -- R. Serling
4570: %%
4571: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
4572: lightly greased."
4573: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
4574: %%
4575: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
4576: versa.
4577: %%
4578: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
4579: %%
4580: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
4581: one.
4582: %%
4583: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
4584: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
4585: people.
4586: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
4587: %%
4588: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
4589: ingenious.
4590: %%
4591: It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
4592: desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
4593: -- Woody Allen
4594: %%
4595: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
4596: problem.
4597: %%
4598: It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
4599: -- Gore Vidal
4600: %%
4601: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
4602: damn thing over and over.
4603: -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
4604: %%
4605: It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
4606: -- Elizabeth Carpenter
4607: %%
4608: It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
4609: pit.
4610: %%
4611: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
4612: virginity could be a virtue.
4613: -- Voltaire
4614: %%
4615: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
4616: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
4617: high as the eagle?
4618: %%
4619: It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
4620: statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
4621: glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
4622: which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
4623: day, that is the highest of arts.
4624: -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
4625: %%
4626: It is the business of little minds to shrink.
4627: -- Carl Sandburg
4628: %%
4629: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
4630: -- Hawkwind
4631: %%
4632: It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
4633: %%
4634: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
4635: warning to others.
4636: %%
4637: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
4638: flag.
4639: %%
4640: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
4641: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
4642: %%
4643: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
4644: %%
4645: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
4646: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
4647: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
4648: the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
4649: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
4650: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
4651: yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
4652: man a lifetime."
4653: -- Thomas Aldrich
4654: %%
4655: It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
4656: laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
4657: thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
4658: nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
4659: for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
4660: Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
4661: under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
4662: icepacks.
4663: -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4664: %%
4665: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
4666: the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
4667: %%
4668: It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
4669: -- Andrew Jackson
4670: %%
4671: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
4672: -- Andrew W. Mathis
4673: %%
4674: "It's easier said than done."
4675:
4676: ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
4677: said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
4678: said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
4679: done".
4680: %%
4681: It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
4682: %%
4683: It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
4684: being right.
4685: %%
4686: "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
4687: hour!"
4688: -- Macy's
4689: %%
4690: It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
4691: is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
4692: isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
4693: -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
4694: %%
4695: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
4696: direction.
4697: %%
4698: It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
4699: -- Phil White
4700: %%
4701: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
4702: -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
4703: %%
4704: It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
4705: -- Alexander Korda
4706: %%
4707: It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
4708: happens.
4709: -- Woody Allen
4710: %%
4711: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
4712: %%
4713: JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
4714: by Mark Isaak
4715:
4716: Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
4717: character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
4718: hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
4719: are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
4720: BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
4721: to him.
4722: So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
4723: he met the traveling salesman.
4724: "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
4725: in high-level language.
4726: "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
4727: and Apples," commented Jack.
4728: "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
4729: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
4730: Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
4731: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
4732: started thrashing.
4733: "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
4734: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
4735: window ...
4736: %%
4737: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
4738: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
4739: legislature is in session.
4740: %%
4741: Jenkinson's Law:
4742: It won't work.
4743: %%
4744: Jesus Saves,
4745: Moses Invests,
4746: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
4747: %%
4748: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
4749: %%
4750: Johnson's First Law:
4751: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
4752: most inconvenient possible time.
4753: %%
4754: Jone's Law:
4755: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
4756: to blame it on.
4757: %%
4758: Jone's Motto:
4759: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
4760: %%
4761: Jones's First Law:
4762: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
4763: endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
4764: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
4765: importance of their original contribution.
4766: %%
4767: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
4768: %%
4769: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
4770: knows what it is.
4771: %%
4772: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
4773: immune to bullets"
4774: -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
4775: %%
4776: Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
4777: twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
4778: %%
4779: Justice is incidental to law and order.
4780: -- J. Edgar Hoover
4781: %%
4782: Justice is incidental to law and order.
4783: -- J. Edgar Hoover
4784: %%
4785: Justice, n.:
4786: A decision in your favor.
4787: %%
4788: Katz' Law:
4789: Man and nations will act rationally when all other
4790: possibilities have been exhausted.
4791: %%
4792: Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
4793: %%
4794: Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
4795: %%
4796: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
4797: %%
4798: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
4799: 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
4800: straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
4801: force is technically termed "car suck").
4802: 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
4803: than "Watch this!"
4804: %%
4805: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
4806: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
4807: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
4808: Your Feet on the Ground,
4809: Your Head on your Shoulders.
4810: Now ... try to get something DONE!
4811: %%
4812: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
4813: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
4814: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
4815: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
4816: dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
4817: what's wrong."
4818: %%
4819: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
4820: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
4821: and parking for the faculty.
4822: %%
4823: Kin, n.:
4824: An affliction of the blood
4825: %%
4826: Kinkler's First Law:
4827: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
4828:
4829: Kinkler's Second Law:
4830: All the easy problems have been solved.
4831: %%
4832: "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
4833: %%
4834: Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
4835: %%
4836: Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
4837: %%
4838: Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
4839: %%
4840: Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
4841: %%
4842: Kleptomaniac, n.:
4843: A rich thief.
4844: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4845: %%
4846: Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
4847: %%
4848: Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
4849: -- Henry N. Camp
4850: %%
4851: Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
4852: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
4853: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4854: %%
4855: Labor, n.:
4856: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
4857: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4858: %%
4859: Lackland's Laws:
4860: 1. Never be first.
4861: 2. Never be last.
4862: 3. Never volunteer for anything
4863: %%
4864: Lactomangulation, n.:
4865: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
4866: that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
4867: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4868: %%
4869: Laetrile is the pits
4870: %%
4871: Langsam's Laws:
4872: 1) Everything depends.
4873: 2) Nothing is always.
4874: 3) Everything is sometimes.
4875: %%
4876: Larkinson's Law:
4877: All laws are basically false.
4878: %%
4879: Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
4880: lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
4881: getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
4882: the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
4883: sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
4884: you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
4885: What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
4886: of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
4887: the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
4888: whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
4889: Lassie filed the applications for.
4890: -- Dave Barry
4891: %%
4892: Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
4893: %%
4894: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
4895: -- Victor Borge
4896: %%
4897: Law of Communications:
4898: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
4899: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
4900: area of misunderstanding.
4901: %%
4902: Law of Probable Dispersal:
4903: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
4904: distributed.
4905: %%
4906: Law of Selective Gravity:
4907: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
4908:
4909: Jenning's Corollary:
4910: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
4911: directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4912: %%
4913: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
4914: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
4915: bread to butter.
4916: %%
4917: Laws of Serendipity:
4918:
4919: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
4920: something.
4921: 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
4922: be engaged in making an inferior one.
4923: %%
4924: Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
4925: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
4926: approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
4927: %%
4928: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
4929: %%
4930: Leibowitz's Rule:
4931: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
4932: hold the hammer with both hands.
4933: %%
4934: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
4935: Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
4936: Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
4937: you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
4938: fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
4939: a sick sense of humor.
4940: %%
4941: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
4942: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
4943: Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
4944: Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
4945: %%
4946: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
4947: %%
4948: Let us live!!!
4949: Let us love!!!
4950: Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
4951:
4952: You first.
4953: %%
4954: Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
4955: overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars:
4956: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return
4957: around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours
4958: poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you
4959: can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it
4960: to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his
4961: money.
4962: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
4963: %%
4964: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
4965:
4966: Dear Sir,
4967:
4968: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
4969: to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
4970: public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
4971: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
4972: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
4973: agricultural industry.
4974:
4975: Yours faithfully,
4976: Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
4977: Sevenoaks
4978: %%
4979: Lewis's Law of Travel:
4980: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
4981: anyone, ever.
4982: %%
4983: Liar, n.:
4984: A lawyer with a roving commission.
4985: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4986: %%
4987: LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
4988: Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
4989: desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
4990: polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
4991: %%
4992: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
4993: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
4994: you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
4995: and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
4996: All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
4997: %%
4998: Lie, n.:
4999: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
5000: discovered to date.
5001: %%
5002: Lieberman's Law:
5003: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
5004: %%
5005: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
5006: %%
5007: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
5008: %%
5009: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
5010: there is nothing in it.
5011: %%
5012: "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
5013: which I disapprove."
5014: %%
5015: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
5016: sense from things she found in gift shops.
5017: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
5018: %%
5019: Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
5020: for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
5021: -- Alan McKay
5022: %%
5023: Limericks are art forms complex,
5024: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
5025: They usually have virgins,
5026: And masculine urgin's,
5027: And other erotic effects.
5028: %%
5029: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
5030: %%
5031: Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
5032: we should think only about today.
5033: Charlie Brown:
5034: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
5035: better.
5036: %%
5037: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
5038: around the Sun.
5039: %%
5040: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
5041: before.
5042: %%
5043: Lizzie Borden took an axe,
5044: And plunged it deep into the VAX;
5045: Don't you envy people who
5046: Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
5047: %%
5048: Lockwood's Long Shot:
5049: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
5050: one in a million, but once would be enough.
5051: %%
5052: Look out! Behind you!
5053: %%
5054: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
5055: %%
5056: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
5057: world has ever seen.
5058: %%
5059: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
5060: Hate is a word that is not.
5061: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
5062: Love, I have read, is hot.
5063: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
5064: And Love but a drug on the mart.
5065: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
5066: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
5067: -- Ogden Nash
5068: %%
5069: Love is sentimental measles.
5070: %%
5071: Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
5072: -- H. L. Mencken
5073: %%
5074: Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
5075: to.
5076: %%
5077: Love's Drug
5078:
5079: My love is like an iron wand
5080: That conks me on the head,
5081: My love is like the valium
5082: That I take before me bed,
5083: My love is like the pint of scotch
5084: That I drink when i be dry;
5085: And I shall love thee still my dear,
5086: Until my wife is wise.
5087: %%
5088: Lowery's Law:
5089: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
5090: anyway.
5091: %%
5092: LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
5093: %%
5094: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
5095: There's always one more bug.
5096: %%
5097: Lunatic Asylum, n.:
5098: The place where optimism most flourishes.
5099: %%
5100: Lysistrata had a good idea.
5101: %%
5102: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
5103: the smallest amount of thoughts."
5104: -- Winston Churchill
5105: %%
5106: Mad, adj.:
5107: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
5108: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5109: %%
5110: Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
5111: first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
5112: -- W. C. Fields
5113: %%
5114: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
5115:
5116: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
5117:
5118: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
5119: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
5120: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
5121: knowledge.
5122: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5123: %%
5124: Magnocartic, adj.:
5125: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
5126: carts.
5127: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
5128: %%
5129: Magpie, n.:
5130: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
5131: might be taught to talk.
5132: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5133: %%
5134: Maier's Law:
5135: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
5136: disposed of.
5137:
5138: Corollaries:
5139: 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
5140: 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
5141: 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
5142: obtain a correspondence with the theory.
5143: %%
5144: Main's Law:
5145: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
5146: program.
5147: %%
5148: Maintainer's Motto:
5149: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
5150: %%
5151: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
5152: as one man.
5153:
5154: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
5155:
5156: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
5157: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5158: %%
5159: Majority, n.:
5160: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
5161: %%
5162: Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
5163: tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
5164: has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
5165: the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
5166: -- System V.2 administrator's guide
5167: %%
5168: Malek's Law:
5169: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
5170: %%
5171: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
5172: -- Lily Tomlin
5173: %%
5174: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
5175: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
5176: -- Oscar Wilde
5177: %%
5178: Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
5179: only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
5180: -- Wernher von Braun
5181: %%
5182: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
5183: -- Mark Twain
5184: %%
5185: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
5186: unless it is an enemy.
5187: -- A. Einstein
5188: %%
5189: Man, n.:
5190: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
5191: he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
5192: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
5193: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
5194: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
5195: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5196: %%
5197: Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
5198: dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
5199: man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
5200: air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
5201: primitive umpire.
5202:
5203: What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
5204: mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
5205: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
5206: %%
5207: Manual, n.:
5208: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
5209: given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
5210: information you need in in the others.
5211: -- Ray Simard
5212: %%
5213: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
5214: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
5215: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
5216: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
5217: -- Walt Kelly
5218: %%
5219: Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
5220: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
5221: simple yes or no answer.
5222: %%
5223: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
5224: -- Voltaire
5225: %%
5226: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
5227: %%
5228: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
5229: receipt.
5230: %%
5231: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
5232: -- Jules Feiffer
5233: %%
5234: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
5235: %%
5236: May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
5237: %%
5238: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
5239: %%
5240: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
5241: Thousand Caramels.
5242: %%
5243: Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
5244: -- R. S. Barton
5245: %%
5246: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
5247: it.
5248: %%
5249: Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
5250: nativity scene removed:
5251: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
5252: and a virgin in the whole organization."
5253: %%
5254: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
5255: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
5256: $19.95.
5257: %%
5258: Meader's Law:
5259: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
5260: everyone you know, only more so.
5261: %%
5262: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
5263: %%
5264: Meeting, n.:
5265: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
5266: department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
5267: %%
5268: Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
5269: from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
5270: Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
5271: had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
5272: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
5273: %%
5274: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
5275: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
5276: %%
5277: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
5278: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
5279: cork makes when it is popped.
5280: %%
5281: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
5282: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
5283: %%
5284: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
5285: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
5286: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
5287: can never hope to acquire it.
5288: %%
5289: Menu, n.:
5290: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
5291: %%
5292: Meskimen's Law:
5293: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
5294: do it over.
5295: %%
5296: Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
5297: %%
5298: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
5299: %%
5300: Micro Credo:
5301: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
5302: %%
5303: "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
5304: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
5305: %%
5306: Miksch's Law:
5307: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
5308: %%
5309: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
5310: -- Groucho Marx
5311: %%
5312: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
5313: -- Groucho Marx
5314: %%
5315: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
5316: themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
5317: -- Susan Ertz
5318: %%
5319: Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
5320: politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
5321: and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
5322: are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
5323: rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
5324: the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
5325: Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
5326: Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
5327: Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
5328: black.
5329: -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
5330: %%
5331: Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
5332: is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
5333: myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
5334: the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
5335: unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
5336: will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
5337: dead as a door-nail.
5338: %%
5339: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
5340: %%
5341: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
5342: %%
5343: Misfortune, n.:
5344: The kind of fortune that never misses.
5345: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5346: %%
5347: Miss, n.:
5348: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
5349: they are in the market.
5350: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5351: %%
5352: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
5353: %%
5354: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
5355: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
5356: held to discuss it.
5357: %%
5358: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
5359:
5360: Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
5361: 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
5362: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
5363: Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
5364: Cinnamon
5365:
5366: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
5367: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
5368: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
5369: juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
5370: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
5371: crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
5372: steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
5373: is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
5374: -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
5375: %%
5376: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
5377: %%
5378: Molecule, n.:
5379: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
5380: from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
5381: closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
5382: matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
5383: atom in that it is an ion ...
5384: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5385: %%
5386: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
5387: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
5388: it wasn't worth doing.
5389: %%
5390: Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
5391: %%
5392: Monday, n.:
5393: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
5394: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5395: %%
5396: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
5397: %%
5398: Mophobia, n.:
5399: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
5400: %%
5401: MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
5402: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
5403: Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
5404: the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
5405: Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
5406: paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
5407: took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
5408: their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
5409: said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
5410: fight and the match was called by officials.
5411: %%
5412: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
5413: path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
5414: extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
5415: -- Woody Allen
5416: %%
5417: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
5418: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
5419: be out of a job.
5420: %%
5421: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
5422: -- Frank Zappa
5423: %%
5424: Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
5425: %%
5426: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
5427: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
5428: population is growing.
5429: %%
5430: Murphy's Discovery:
5431: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
5432: women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
5433: everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months
5434: later, you're in trouble!
5435: %%
5436: Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
5437: work.
5438: %%
5439: Murphy's Law of Research:
5440: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
5441: %%
5442: Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
5443: Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
5444: pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
5445: military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
5446: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
5447: They can't prove who they are because they've left their
5448: passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
5449: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
5450: movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
5451: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
5452: The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
5453: they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
5454: if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
5455: her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
5456: possible, and turns to Murray.
5457: "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
5458: spits in the sergeants face.
5459: "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
5460: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
5461: %%
5462: Mustgo, n.:
5463: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
5464: long it has become a science project.
5465: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
5466: %%
5467: My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
5468: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
5469: sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
5470: through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
5471: listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
5472: log out again.
5473: %%
5474: My love runs by like a day in June,
5475: And he makes no friends of sorrows.
5476: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
5477: In the pathway or the morrows.
5478: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
5479: Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
5480: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
5481: And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
5482: -- Dorothy Parker
5483: %%
5484: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
5485: And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
5486: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
5487: And the skies are sunlit for him.
5488: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
5489: As the fragrance of acacia.
5490: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
5491: And I wish he were in Asia.
5492: -- Dorothy Parker
5493: %%
5494: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
5495: %%
5496: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
5497: And he cares not what comes after.
5498: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
5499: And his eyes are lit with laughter.
5500: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
5501: Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
5502: My own dear love, he is all my world --
5503: And I wish I'd never met him.
5504: -- Dorothy Parker
5505: %%
5506: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
5507: %%
5508: Mythology, n.:
5509: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
5510: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
5511: from the true accounts which it invents later.
5512: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5513: %%
5514: Naeser's Law:
5515: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
5516: damnfoolproof.
5517: %%
5518: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
5519: says is wrong.
5520: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
5521: will be right.
5522: -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
5523: %%
5524: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
5525: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
5526:
5527: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
5528: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
5529: %%
5530: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
5531: character, give him power.
5532: -- Abraham Lincoln
5533: %%
5534: Necessity is a mother.
5535: %%
5536: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
5537: %%
5538: Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
5539: %%
5540: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
5541: %%
5542: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
5543: %%
5544: Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
5545: with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
5546: change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
5547: fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
5548: have windows.
5549: %%
5550: Never eat more than you can lift.
5551: -- Miss Piggy
5552: %%
5553: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
5554: %%
5555: Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
5556: -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
5557: %%
5558: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
5559: make it complex and wonderful.
5560: %%
5561: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
5562: substance.
5563: -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
5564: %%
5565: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
5566: %%
5567: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
5568: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5569: %%
5570: Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
5571: supposed to do.
5572: -- R. A. Heinlein
5573: %%
5574: New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
5575: %%
5576: New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
5577: Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
5578: %%
5579: New systems generate new problems.
5580: %%
5581: New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
5582: his wife most often reminds him to act it.
5583: -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
5584: %%
5585: New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
5586: %%
5587: New York's got the ways and means;
5588: Just won't let you be.
5589: -- The Grateful Dead
5590: %%
5591: Newlan's Truism:
5592: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
5593: economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
5594: %%
5595: NEWS FLASH!!
5596: Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
5597: German pole-vault champion.
5598: %%
5599: *** NEWSFLASH ***
5600: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
5601: %%
5602: Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
5603: %%
5604: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
5605: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
5606: %%
5607: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
5608: have a lucky day this year.
5609: %%
5610: Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
5611: as an income tax refund.
5612: -- F. J. Raymond
5613: %%
5614: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
5615: %%
5616: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
5617: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
5618: (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
5619: Americans call him by value.
5620: %%
5621: Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
5622: Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
5623: Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
5624: Three megs for system source;
5625:
5626: One disk to rule them all,
5627: One disk to bind them,
5628: One disk to hold the files
5629: And in the darkness grind 'em.
5630: %%
5631: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
5632: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
5633: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
5634: percent.
5635: %%
5636: No good deed goes unpunished.
5637: -- Clare Boothe Luce
5638: %%
5639: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
5640: %%
5641: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
5642: -- Eleanor Roosevelt
5643: %%
5644: No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
5645: %%
5646: No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
5647: %%
5648: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
5649: %%
5650: Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
5651: constructive praise.
5652: %%
5653: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
5654: Negative expectations yield negative results.
5655: Positive expectations yield negative results.
5656: %%
5657: Noncombatant, n.:
5658: A dead Quaker.
5659: -- Ambrose Bierce
5660: %%
5661: Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
5662: %%
5663: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
5664: %%
5665: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
5666: %%
5667: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
5668: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
5669: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
5670: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
5671: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
5672: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
5673: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
5674: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
5675: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
5676: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
5677: %%
5678: "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
5679: is from the wrong kind of tree."
5680: --Profesoor W.
5681: %%
5682: Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
5683: of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
5684: is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
5685: unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
5686: careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
5687: -- Woody Allen
5688: %%
5689: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
5690: %%
5691: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
5692: %%
5693: Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
5694:
5695: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
5696: the light comes on.
5697: %%
5698: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
5699: -- Andrew Young
5700: %%
5701: Nothing recedes like success.
5702: -- Walter Winchell
5703: %%
5704: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
5705: love.
5706: -- Charlie Brown
5707: %%
5708: November, n.:
5709: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
5710: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5711: %%
5712: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
5713: %%
5714: Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
5715: %%
5716: Now I lay me down to sleep
5717: I pray the double lock will keep;
5718: May no brick through the window break,
5719: And, no one rob me till I awake.
5720: %%
5721: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
5722: -- Walt Kelly
5723: %%
5724: Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
5725: time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
5726: to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
5727: eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
5728: the following questions:
5729:
5730: 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts
5731: a food?
5732: 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
5733: exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
5734: 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
5735: prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
5736: double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
5737: right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
5738: longer.)
5739:
5740: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
5741: %%
5742: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
5743: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
5744: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
5745: -- "The Begatting of a President"
5746: %%
5747: ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5748: get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5749: the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5750: on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5751: children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5752: snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5753: to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5754: a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5755: outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5756: he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5757: Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5758: Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5759: kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5760: children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5761: quickly.
5762: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5763: %%
5764: [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
5765: -- Edwin Meese III
5766: %%
5767: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
5768: %%
5769: Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
5770: guessing.
5771: %%
5772: O give me a home,
5773: Where the buffalo roam,
5774: Where the deer and the antelope play,
5775: Where seldom is heard
5776: A discouraging word,
5777: 'Cause what can an antelope say?
5778: %%
5779: O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
5780: "Murphy was an optimist."
5781: %%
5782: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
5783: Murphy was an optimist.
5784: %%
5785: "Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
5786: fake?"
5787: %%
5788: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
5789: -- Plato
5790: %%
5791: Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
5792: %%
5793: Office Automation, n.:
5794: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
5795: you would want to talk with over coffee.
5796: %%
5797: Ogden's Law:
5798: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
5799: up.
5800: %%
5801: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
5802: When all goes right and none goes wrong,
5803: And isn't your life extremely flat
5804: With nothing whatever to grumble at!
5805: %%
5806: Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
5807: %%
5808: Oh, when I was in love with you,
5809: Then I was clean and brave,
5810: And miles around the wonder grew
5811: How well did I behave.
5812:
5813: And now the fancy passes by,
5814: And nothing will remain,
5815: And miles around they'll say that I
5816: Am quite myself again.
5817: -- A. E. Housman
5818: %%
5819: Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
5820: %%
5821: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
5822: -- Trotsky
5823: %%
5824: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
5825: -- Trotsky
5826: %%
5827: Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
5828: %%
5829: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
5830: %%
5831: Oliver's Law:
5832: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
5833: it.
5834: %%
5835: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
5836:
5837: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
5838: -- Wolfgang Pauli
5839: %%
5840: On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
5841: receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
5842: income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
5843: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
5844: "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
5845: route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
5846: "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
5847: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
5848: worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
5849: %%
5850: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
5851: created jerks.
5852: -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
5853: %%
5854: On-line, adj.:
5855: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
5856: computer.
5857: %%
5858: Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
5859: forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
5860: -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
5861: %%
5862: Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
5863: each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
5864: choice.
5865:
5866: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
5867: called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
5868: and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
5869: passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
5870: Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
5871: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5872: %%
5873: Once Law was sitting on the bench
5874: And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
5875: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
5876: Nor come before me creeping.
5877: Upon you knees if you appear,
5878: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
5879:
5880: Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
5881: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
5882: "Amica curiae," she replied --
5883: "Friend of the court, so please you."
5884: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
5885: I never saw your face before!"
5886: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5887: %%
5888: Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
5889: beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
5890: side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
5891: which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
5892: sky.
5893: -- Rainer Rilke
5894: %%
5895: Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
5896: great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
5897: the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
5898: life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
5899: one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
5900: going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
5901: shall die of boredom."
5902: The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
5903: current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
5904: rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
5905: But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
5906: and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
5907: Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
5908: lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
5909: And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
5910: "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
5911: Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
5912: said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
5913: free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
5914: adventure.
5915: But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
5916: the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
5917: %%
5918: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
5919: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
5920: the smaller prime numbers.
5921:
5922: 2: The Odd Prime --
5923: It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
5924: 3: The True Prime --
5925: Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
5926: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
5927: Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
5928: in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
5929: received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
5930: next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
5931: at all.
5932:
5933: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
5934: derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
5935: true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
5936: %%
5937: ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5938: with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5939: shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5940: advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5941: shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5942: them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5943: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5944: %%
5945: Once, adv.:
5946: Enough.
5947: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5948: %%
5949: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
5950: %%
5951: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
5952: when well oiled.
5953: %%
5954: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
5955: never have to stop and answer the phone.
5956: %%
5957: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
5958: %%
5959: One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
5960: from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
5961: least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
5962: are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
5963: when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
5964: -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
5965: %%
5966: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
5967: create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
5968: retail."
5969: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
5970: %%
5971: One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
5972: enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
5973: Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
5974: years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
5975: Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
5976: language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
5977: students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
5978: interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
5979: its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
5980: VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
5981: It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
5982: run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
5983: will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
5984: With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
5985: quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
5986: VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
5987: documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
5988: difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
5989: is that it's all there.
5990: -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
5991: %%
5992: One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
5993: seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
5994: way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
5995: fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
5996: disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
5997: %%
5998: One Page Principle:
5999: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
6000: paper cannot be understood.
6001: -- Mark Ardis
6002: %%
6003: "One planet is all you get."
6004: %%
6005: One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
6006: %%
6007: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
6008: paint.
6009: %%
6010: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
6011: %%
6012: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
6013: %%
6014: Only God can make random selections.
6015: %%
6016: Optimization hinders evolution.
6017: %%
6018: Optimization hinders evolution.
6019: %%
6020: Oregon, n.:
6021: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
6022: night.
6023: %%
6024: Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
6025: Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
6026: -- Mike Adams
6027: %%
6028: Osborn's Law:
6029: Variables won't; constants aren't.
6030: %%
6031: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
6032: nails.
6033: %%
6034: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
6035: they charge fifteen cents for them.
6036: %%
6037: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
6038: Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
6039: in kernel as it is in user!
6040: %%
6041: Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
6042: -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
6043: %%
6044: Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
6045: %%
6046: Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
6047: %%
6048: Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
6049: %%
6050: Ozman's Laws:
6051: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
6052: won't.
6053: 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
6054: make.
6055: 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
6056: 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
6057: %%
6058: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
6059: %%
6060: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
6061: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
6062: -- D. J. Hicks
6063: %%
6064: Pardo's First Postulate:
6065: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
6066:
6067: Arnold's Addendum:
6068: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
6069: rats.
6070: %%
6071: Parker's Law:
6072: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
6073: %%
6074: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
6075: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
6076: bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
6077: %%
6078: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
6079: The number of people in any working group tends to increase
6080: regardless of the amount of work to be done.
6081: %%
6082: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
6083: %%
6084: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
6085: -- Steven Feiner
6086: %%
6087: Pascal Users:
6088: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
6089: death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
6090: speed.
6091: %%
6092: Pascal, n.:
6093: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
6094: his grave if he knew about it.
6095: %%
6096: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
6097: -- Eric Hoffer
6098: %%
6099: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
6100: %%
6101: Paul's Law:
6102: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
6103: save.
6104: %%
6105: Paul's Law:
6106: You can't fall off the floor.
6107: %%
6108: Peace, n.:
6109: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
6110: periods of fighting.
6111: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6112: %%
6113: Peanut Blossoms
6114:
6115: 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
6116: 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
6117: 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
6118: 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
6119: 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
6120:
6121: Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
6122: sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
6123: Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
6124: hell of a lot.
6125: %%
6126: Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
6127: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
6128: it.
6129: %%
6130: People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
6131: the future.
6132: %%
6133: People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
6134: %%
6135: People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
6136: slept in a room with a single mosquito.
6137: %%
6138: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
6139: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
6140: -- Ogden Nash
6141: %%
6142: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
6143: Benjamin Franklin said it first.
6144: %%
6145: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
6146: %%
6147: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
6148: %%
6149: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
6150: "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
6151: -- Aelius Donatus
6152: %%
6153: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
6154: %%
6155: Peter's Law of Substitution:
6156: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
6157: themselves.
6158: %%
6159: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
6160: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
6161: %%
6162: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
6163: %%
6164: pi seconds is a nanocentury.
6165: -- Tom Duff
6166: %%
6167: Pig, n.:
6168: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
6169: by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
6170: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
6171: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6172: %%
6173: PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
6174: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
6175: the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
6176: people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
6177: you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
6178: animals.
6179: %%
6180: PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
6181: Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
6182: American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today,
6183: as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed.
6184: You will probably get run over by a bus.
6185: %%
6186: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
6187:
6188: 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail
6189: light but a steady left tail light. This means
6190:
6191: (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
6192: to call the problem to the driver's attention.
6193: (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
6194: (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
6195: (d) the driver is from out of town.
6196:
6197: The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
6198: countries to signal turns.
6199: %%
6200: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
6201:
6202: 8: Pedestrians are
6203:
6204: (a) irrelevant.
6205: (b) communists.
6206: (c) a nuisance.
6207: (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
6208:
6209: The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
6210: totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
6211: %%
6212: PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
6213: solution set.
6214: -- E. W. Dijkstra
6215: %%
6216: Please ignore previous fortune.
6217: %%
6218: Please take note:
6219: %%
6220: Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas'
6221: until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched
6222: out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
6223: and such.
6224: -- N. Meyrowitz
6225: %%
6226: Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
6227: %%
6228: PLUNDERER'S THEME
6229: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
6230:
6231: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
6232: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
6233: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
6234: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
6235: %%
6236: Pohl's law:
6237: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
6238: %%
6239: Police: Good evening, are you the host?
6240: Host: No.
6241: Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
6242: Host: About the drugs?
6243: Police: No.
6244: Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
6245: Police: No, the noise.
6246: Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
6247: or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
6248: background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
6249: The neighbors?
6250: Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
6251: complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
6252: ask the host to quiet things down?
6253: Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
6254: religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
6255: room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
6256: lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
6257: onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
6258: down.
6259: %%
6260: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
6261: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
6262: %%
6263: Politician, n.:
6264: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
6265: "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
6266: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
6267: -- Martin Pitt
6268: %%
6269: Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
6270: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
6271: %%
6272: Polymer physicists are into chains.
6273: %%
6274: Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
6275: Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
6276: white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
6277: it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
6278: name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
6279: laughter, singing
6280: Half a pound of tuppenny rice
6281: Half a pound of treacle
6282: That's the way the chimney smokes
6283: Pope Goestheveezl
6284: The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
6285: laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
6286: hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
6287: Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
6288: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6289: %%
6290: Positive, adj.:
6291: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
6292: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6293: %%
6294: Power, n:
6295: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
6296: %%
6297: Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
6298: more time for dreaming.
6299: -- J. P. McEvoy
6300: %%
6301: Predestination was doomed from the start.
6302: %%
6303: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
6304: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
6305: %%
6306: President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
6307: vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
6308: -- The Washington Post
6309: %%
6310: Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
6311: %%
6312: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
6313: It's on the other side.
6314: %%
6315: [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
6316: to see him work.
6317: -- Winston Churchill
6318: %%
6319: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
6320: %%
6321: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
6322: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
6323: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
6324: Because she's unable to postulate how.
6325: -- Frederick Winsor
6326: %%
6327: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
6328: Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point
6329: on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
6330: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
6331: %%
6332: Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
6333:
6334: This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
6335: techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
6336:
6337: SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
6338:
6339: We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
6340: for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
6341: as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
6342: trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
6343: can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
6344: about _n.
6345: QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
6346: %%
6347: Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
6348: SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
6349: (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
6350: (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
6351: (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
6352: legs for a horse.
6353: (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
6354: (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
6355:
6356: Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
6357: Intimidation
6358: Gesticulation (handwaving)
6359: "Try it; it works"
6360: Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
6361: Blatant assertion
6362: Changing all the 2's to _n's
6363: Mutual consent
6364: Lack of a counterexample, and
6365: "It stands to reason"
6366: %%
6367: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
6368: three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
6369: %%
6370: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
6371: -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
6372: %%
6373: Putt's Law:
6374: Technology is dominated by two types of people:
6375: Those who understand what they do not manage.
6376: Those who manage what they do not understand.
6377: %%
6378: Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
6379: A: One per person.
6380: %%
6381: Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
6382: A: To stamp out forest fires.
6383:
6384: Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
6385: A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
6386: %%
6387: Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
6388: A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
6389: %%
6390: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
6391: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
6392: %%
6393: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
6394: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
6395:
6396: Q: How long does it take?
6397: A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
6398: brought with them.
6399:
6400: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
6401: A: They replace your generator.
6402: %%
6403: Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6404: A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
6405: symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
6406: netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
6407: cosmos of nothingness.
6408: %%
6409: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
6410: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
6411: %%
6412: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
6413: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
6414: %%
6415: Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
6416: A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
6417: Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
6418: the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
6419: of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
6420: of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
6421: %%
6422: Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6423: A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
6424: light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
6425: plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
6426: prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin
6427: to break the bulb in the first place.
6428: %
6429: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
6430: San Francisco?
6431: A: Both of them.
6432: %%
6433: Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6434: A: One and a half.
6435: %%
6436: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
6437: A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
6438: Californians trying to share the experience.
6439: %%
6440: Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
6441: A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with
6442: brightly colored machine tools.
6443: %%
6444: Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
6445: A: Because it was on the other side.
6446: %%
6447: Quality Control, n.:
6448: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
6449: a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
6450: %%
6451: Question:
6452: Man Invented Alcohol,
6453: God Invented Grass.
6454: Who do you trust?
6455: %%
6456: Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
6457: %%
6458: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
6459: %%
6460: QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
6461: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
6462: kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one
6463: thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a
6464: painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang]
6465: person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
6466: -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
6467: %%
6468: Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
6469: %%
6470: Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
6471: I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
6472: computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
6473: store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
6474: all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
6475: the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
6476: they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
6477: rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
6478: Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
6479: impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
6480: goes, giving away the store?
6481: -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
6482: %%
6483: Ray's Rule of Precision:
6484: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
6485: %%
6486: Razors pain you;
6487: Rivers are damp;
6488: Acids stain you;
6489: And drugs cause cramp.
6490: Guns aren't lawful;
6491: Nooses give;
6492: Gas smells awful;
6493: You might as well live.
6494: -- Dorothy Parker
6495: %%
6496: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
6497: the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
6498: with pictures.
6499: %%
6500: Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
6501: you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
6502: wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
6503: spring up in the middle of the machine room.
6504: %%
6505: Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
6506: can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
6507: %%
6508: Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
6509: %%
6510: Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
6511: functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
6512: %%
6513: Real Time, adj.:
6514: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
6515: and then.
6516: %%
6517: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
6518: %%
6519: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
6520: %%
6521: Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
6522: %%
6523: "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
6524: %%
6525: Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
6526: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
6527: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
6528: %%
6529: Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
6530: lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
6531: but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
6532: Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
6533: recessions.
6534: %%
6535: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
6536: Take not a single bit!
6537: It used to point to me,
6538: Now I'm protecting it.
6539: It was the reader's CONS
6540: That made it, paired by dot;
6541: Now, GC, for the nonce,
6542: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
6543: %%
6544: "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
6545: Candy
6546: Is dandy
6547: But liquor
6548: Is quicker.
6549: -- Ogden Nash
6550: %%
6551: "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
6552: again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
6553: which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
6554: spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
6555: starfield surrounding the ship.
6556:
6557: "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
6558: announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
6559: are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
6560: intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
6561: transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
6562: Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
6563: -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
6564: %%
6565: Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
6566: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
6567: %%
6568: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
6569: worse in Cleveland.
6570: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
6571: %%
6572: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
6573: %%
6574: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
6575: %%
6576: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
6577: Western Civilization?
6578: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
6579: %%
6580: Reporter, n.:
6581: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
6582: tempest of words.
6583: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6584: %%
6585: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
6586: -- Wernher von Braun
6587: %%
6588: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
6589: another chance later on.
6590: %%
6591: Review Questions
6592:
6593: 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20
6594: KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it
6595: be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be
6596: before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his
6597: spaceship?
6598:
6599: 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he
6600: breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be
6601: before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be
6602: before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car
6603: every week?
6604:
6605: 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four
6606: beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the
6607: cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger
6608: than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
6609: %%
6610: Rhode's Law:
6611: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
6612: circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
6613: empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied,
6614: inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically
6615: guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
6616: expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal
6617: comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above,
6618: be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
6619: adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally,
6620: immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes
6621: advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
6622: %%
6623: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
6624: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
6625: reject the proposal.
6626: %%
6627: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
6628: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
6629: door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
6630: %%
6631: Rudin's Law:
6632: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
6633: do it every time.
6634: %%
6635: Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
6636: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
6637: be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind
6638: person shall be deemed to be a cat.
6639: %%
6640: Rule of Creative Research:
6641: 1) Never draw what you can copy.
6642: 2) Never copy what you can trace.
6643: 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
6644: %%
6645: Rule of Defactualization:
6646: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
6647: %%
6648: Rule of Feline Frustration:
6649: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
6650: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
6651: bathroom.
6652: %%
6653: Rule of the Great:
6654: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
6655: thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
6656: %%
6657: Rules for driving in New York:
6658: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
6659: 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
6660: on.
6661: 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
6662: intersection.
6663: %%
6664: RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
6665: 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
6666: 2. Never leave the table hungry.
6667: 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
6668: 4. Enjoy your food.
6669: 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
6670: 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
6671: accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
6672: 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
6673: example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
6674: Which feels better against your cheeks?
6675: 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
6676: 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
6677: can always eat it later.
6678: 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
6679: 11. Avoid blue food.
6680: -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
6681: %%
6682: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
6683: Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
6684:
6685: 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like
6686: worms, bugs, ants.
6687: 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
6688: 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
6689: 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
6690: 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6691: 6. People ignore you at parties.
6692: 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
6693: 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
6694: %%
6695: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
6696: 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
6697: bomb; use the stairs.
6698: 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
6699: the ground.
6700: 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
6701: 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
6702: psychological problems.
6703: 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
6704: foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
6705: shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6706: 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
6707: be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
6708: 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
6709: 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
6710: staggering illegally.
6711: 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
6712: sanitary due to limited circulation.
6713: 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
6714: D-Day.
6715: %%
6716: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
6717: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
6718: rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
6719: drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
6720: %%
6721: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
6722: -- Herb Caen
6723: %%
6724: San Francisco, n.:
6725: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
6726: %%
6727: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
6728: He must be a communist.
6729: And a beard and long hair,
6730: Must be a pacifist.
6731:
6732: What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
6733: -- Arlo Guthrie
6734: %%
6735: Satellite Safety Tip #14:
6736: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
6737: %%
6738: Sattinger's Law:
6739: It works better if you plug it in.
6740: %%
6741: Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
6742: Is like being nowhere at all,
6743: All through the day how the hours rush by,
6744: You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
6745: -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
6746: %%
6747: Save energy: be apathetic.
6748: %%
6749: Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
6750: %%
6751: SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
6752: -- Ken Thompson
6753: %%
6754: Schapiro's Explanation:
6755: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
6756: because they use more manure.
6757: %%
6758: Schizophrenia beats being alone.
6759: %%
6760: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
6761: %%
6762: SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
6763: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
6764: pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
6765: people are murdered.
6766: %%
6767: Scott's first Law:
6768: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
6769: %%
6770: Scott's second Law:
6771: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
6772: to have been wrong in the first place.
6773: Corollary:
6774: After the correction has been found in error, it will be
6775: impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
6776: equation.
6777: %%
6778: Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
6779: Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
6780: Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
6781: Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
6782: Spock: Affirmative.
6783: Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
6784: Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
6785: %%
6786: Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
6787: %%
6788: Second Law of Business Meetings:
6789: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
6790: will pick the wrong one.
6791:
6792: Corollary:
6793: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
6794: wrong, anyway.
6795: %%
6796: Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
6797: %%
6798: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
6799: She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
6800: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
6801: Silently scheming,
6802: Sightlessly seeking
6803: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
6804: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
6805: %%
6806: Self Test for Paranoia:
6807: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
6808: your own fault.
6809: %%
6810: Seminars, n.:
6811: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
6812: %%
6813: Serocki's Stricture:
6814: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
6815: %%
6816: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
6817: %%
6818: "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
6819: thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
6820: advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
6821: "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
6822: "Too proud?" the other enquired.
6823: Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
6824: she said, "that one can't help growing older."
6825: "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
6826: proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
6827: -- Lewis Carroll
6828: %%
6829: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6830: -- Swami X
6831: %%
6832: Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
6833: -- M. C. Reed.
6834: %%
6835: Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
6836: it's one of the best.
6837: -- Woody Allen
6838: %%
6839: Shamus, n.:
6840: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
6841: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
6842: A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
6843: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
6844: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
6845: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
6846: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
6847: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
6848: am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
6849: he's nobody!"
6850: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
6851: %%
6852: Shaw's Principle:
6853: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
6854: want to use it.
6855: %%
6856: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
6857: -- Gypsy Rose Lee
6858: %%
6859: She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
6860: -- Mark Twain
6861: %%
6862: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
6863: have poured on a waffle ...
6864: %%
6865: She's genuinely bogus.
6866: %%
6867: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
6868: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
6869: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
6870: -- Samuel Johnson
6871: %%
6872: SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
6873: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
6874: %%
6875: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
6876: playing golf with his boss.
6877: %%
6878: Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
6879: %%
6880: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
6881: -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
6882: %%
6883: Silverman's Law:
6884: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
6885: %%
6886: Simon's Law:
6887: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
6888: %%
6889: Since I hurt my pendulum
6890: My life is all erratic.
6891: My parrot, who was cordial,
6892: Is now transmitting static.
6893: The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
6894: The cat keeps doing poo.
6895: The only thing that keeps me sane
6896: Is talking to my shoe.
6897: -- My Shoe
6898: %%
6899: Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
6900: -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
6901: %%
6902: [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
6903: vices I admire.
6904: -- Winston Churchill
6905: %%
6906: Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
6907: Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
6908: excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
6909: This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
6910: examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
6911: Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
6912: printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
6913: comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
6914: no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
6915: %%
6916: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
6917: That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
6918: or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
6919: should have gotten.
6920: %%
6921: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
6922: to work.
6923: %%
6924: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
6925: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
6926: check.
6927: 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
6928: 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
6929: attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
6930: attracted to dark objects.
6931: %%
6932: Slurm, n.:
6933: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
6934: it sits in the dish too long.
6935: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
6936: %%
6937: Snacktrek, n.:
6938: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
6939: returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
6940: materialized.
6941: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
6942: %%
6943: So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
6944: praise of intelligence.
6945: -- Bertrand Russell
6946: %%
6947: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
6948: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
6949: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
6950: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
6951: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
6952: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
6953: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
6954: -- Samuel Foote
6955: %%
6956: Sodd's Second Law:
6957: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
6958: bound to occur.
6959: %%
6960: SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
6961: %%
6962: Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
6963: celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
6964: stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
6965: "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
6966: of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
6967: government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
6968: Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
6969: billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
6970: it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
6971: thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
6972: the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
6973: and go to a mall.
6974: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
6975: %%
6976: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
6977: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
6978: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
6979: %%
6980: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
6981: them on the head.
6982: %%
6983: Some points to remember [about animals]:
6984:
6985: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
6986: rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
6987: 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
6988: front of your clothes;
6989: 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
6990: dogs you have just kicked.
6991: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6992: %%
6993: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
6994: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
6995: %%
6996: Someone will try to honk your nose today.
6997: %%
6998: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
6999: the only ashtray."
7000: %%
7001: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
7002: -- Lily Tomlin
7003: %%
7004: "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
7005: Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
7006: intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
7007: and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
7008: best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
7009: we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
7010:
7011: "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
7012: -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
7013: %%
7014: Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
7015: paid may disregard this fortune).
7016: %%
7017: Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
7018: bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
7019: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
7020: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
7021: %%
7022: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
7023: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
7024: if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
7025: question back at him.
7026: %%
7027: Speak roughly to your little boy,
7028: And beat him when he sneezes:
7029: He only does it to annoy
7030: Because he knows it teases.
7031:
7032: Wow! wow! wow!
7033:
7034: I speak severely to my boy,
7035: And beat him when he sneezes:
7036: For he can thoroughly enjoy
7037: The pepper when he pleases!
7038:
7039: Wow! wow! wow!
7040: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
7041: %%
7042: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
7043: And boot it when it crashes;
7044: It knows that one cannot relax
7045: Because the paging thrashes!
7046:
7047: Wow! Wow! Wow!
7048:
7049: I speak severely to my VAX,
7050: And boot it when it crashes;
7051: In spite of all my favorite hacks
7052: My jobs it always thrashes!
7053:
7054: Wow! Wow! Wow!
7055: %%
7056: Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
7057: %%
7058: Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
7059: sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
7060: cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
7061: the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
7062: bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
7063: controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
7064: passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
7065: memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
7066: no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
7067: designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
7068: %%
7069: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
7070: these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
7071: to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
7072: communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
7073: on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
7074: life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
7075: communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
7076: he can do is to Shut Up!
7077: -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
7078: %%
7079: Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
7080: %%
7081: Spirtle, n.:
7082: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
7083: your eye.
7084: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
7085: %%
7086: Spouse, n.:
7087: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
7088: wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
7089: %%
7090: Stay away from flying saucers today.
7091: %%
7092: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
7093: %%
7094: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
7095: %%
7096: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
7097: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
7098: another drink.
7099: %%
7100: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
7101: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
7102: handle.
7103: %%
7104: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
7105: %%
7106: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
7107: take a bath ...
7108: %%
7109: Stult's Report:
7110: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
7111: fight the solutions.
7112: %%
7113: Stupid, n.:
7114: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
7115: %%
7116: Sturgeon's Law:
7117: 90% of everything is crud.
7118: %%
7119: Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
7120: editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
7121: -- Mark Twain
7122: %%
7123: Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
7124: %%
7125: (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
7126:
7127: To code the impossible code,
7128: To bring up a virgin machine,
7129: To pop out of endless recursion,
7130: To grok what appears on the screen,
7131:
7132: To right the unrightable bug,
7133: To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
7134: To mount the unmountable magtape,
7135: To stop the unstoppable crash!
7136: %%
7137: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
7138: %%
7139: Surprise due today. Also the rent.
7140: %%
7141: Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
7142: %%
7143: Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
7144: in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
7145: the room is punishable under law:
7146:
7147: Name #
7148: %%
7149: Sweater, n.:
7150: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
7151: %%
7152: Swipple's Rule of Order:
7153: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
7154: %%
7155: System/3! System/3!
7156: See how it runs! See how it runs!
7157: Its monitor loses so totally!
7158: It runs all its programs in RPG!
7159: It's made by our favorite monopoly!
7160: System/3!
7161: %%
7162: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
7163: hole in his head.
7164: %%
7165: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
7166: hole in his head.
7167: %%
7168: Tact, n.:
7169: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
7170: %%
7171: Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
7172: %%
7173: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
7174: enough cheese
7175: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
7176: %%
7177: Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
7178: %%
7179: Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
7180: needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
7181: -- Kipling
7182: %%
7183: Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
7184: to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
7185: beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
7186: drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
7187: nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
7188: and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
7189: Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
7190: no need to improve ...
7191: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
7192: %%
7193: Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
7194: your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
7195: and they'll call you crazy.
7196: -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
7197: %%
7198: Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
7199: your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms,
7200: and they'll call you crazy.
7201: -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
7202: %%
7203: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
7204: -- Euripides
7205: %%
7206: Talkers are no good doers.
7207: -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7208: %%
7209: Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
7210: -- Friedrich Nietzsche
7211: %%
7212: TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
7213: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
7214: work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
7215: You are a Communist.
7216: %%
7217: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
7218: the tree."
7219: -- Russell Long
7220: %%
7221: Taxes, n.:
7222: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
7223: an extension.
7224: %%
7225: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
7226: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
7227: %%
7228: Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
7229: %%
7230: Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
7231: for going backwards.
7232: -- Aldous Huxley
7233: %%
7234: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
7235: writing.
7236: -- R. Geis
7237: %%
7238: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
7239: You eat your victuals fast enough;
7240: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
7241: To see the rate you drink your beer.
7242: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
7243: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
7244: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
7245: It sleeps well the horned head:
7246: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
7247: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
7248: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
7249: Your friends to death before their time.
7250: Moping, melancholy mad:
7251: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
7252: -- A. E. Housman
7253: %%
7254: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
7255: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
7256: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
7257: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
7258: because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
7259: fact, for he merely said:
7260:
7261: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
7262: it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
7263: because it is impossible."
7264:
7265: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
7266: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
7267: -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
7268:
7269: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
7270: %%
7271: Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
7272: %%
7273: "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
7274: one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
7275: -- J. Finnegan, USC.
7276: %%
7277: "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
7278: %%
7279: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
7280: %%
7281: That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
7282: -- Dorothy Parker
7283: %%
7284: The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
7285: people who want some.
7286: -- Dwight MacDonald
7287: %%
7288: The Abrams' Principle:
7289: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
7290: %%
7291: The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
7292: -- Thomas Jefferson
7293: %%
7294: ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
7295: consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
7296: of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
7297: listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
7298: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7299: %%
7300: The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
7301: Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
7302: and color, but also on ability.
7303: -- T. Lehrer
7304: %%
7305: The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
7306: -- Bill Murray
7307: %%
7308: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
7309: average man can see better than he can think.
7310: %%
7311: The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
7312: cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
7313: difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
7314: which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
7315: here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
7316: RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
7317: want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
7318: lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
7319: squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
7320: and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
7321: his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
7322: neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
7323: lots.
7324: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
7325: %%
7326: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
7327: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
7328: %%
7329: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
7330: -- W. C. Fields
7331: %%
7332: The best defense against logic is ignorance.
7333: %%
7334: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
7335: %%
7336: The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
7337: time.
7338: -- Merrick Furst
7339: %%
7340: The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
7341: Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
7342:
7343: It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
7344: known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
7345: in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
7346: under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
7347: people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
7348: city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
7349: umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
7350: activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
7351: %%
7352: "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
7353: %%
7354: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
7355: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
7356: %%
7357: The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
7358: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
7359: program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
7360: one, and convert to the next higher units.
7361: %%
7362: "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
7363: flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
7364: %%
7365: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
7366: at the steam fitters' picnic.
7367: %%
7368: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
7369: %%
7370: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
7371: elsewhere."
7372: %%
7373: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
7374: -- Alan Perlis
7375: %%
7376: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
7377: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
7378: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
7379: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
7380: talked about.
7381: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
7382: %%
7383: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
7384: %%
7385: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
7386: down.
7387: %%
7388: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
7389: eat.
7390: -- John McNulty
7391: %%
7392: The Crown is full of it!
7393: -- Nate Harris, 1775
7394: %%
7395: The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
7396: us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
7397: Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
7398: %%
7399: The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
7400: %%
7401: The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
7402: %%
7403: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
7404: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
7405: out again, it would be a calamity."
7406: -- Benjamin Disraeli
7407: %%
7408: The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
7409: requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
7410: scholarship.
7411: -- Robert Heinlein
7412: %%
7413: The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
7414: off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
7415: next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
7416: duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
7417: duck and returned it to his master.
7418: "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
7419: "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
7420: swim."
7421: %%
7422: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
7423: %%
7424: The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
7425: symposium to follow.
7426: %%
7427: The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
7428: their children to speak it.
7429: -- G. B. Shaw
7430: %%
7431: The fact that it works is immaterial.
7432: -- L. Ogborn
7433: %%
7434: The Fifth Rule:
7435: You have taken yourself too seriously.
7436: %%
7437: The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
7438: -- Abbie Hoffman
7439: %%
7440: The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
7441: Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
7442: tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
7443: forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
7444: fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
7445: threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
7446: suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
7447: foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
7448: one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
7449: dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
7450: drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
7451: and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
7452: thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
7453: of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
7454: in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
7455: crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
7456: Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
7457: a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
7458: throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
7459: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
7460: %%
7461: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
7462: child, was propounded to me by my father:
7463: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
7464: whistles?"
7465: I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
7466: gave up.
7467: "A herring," said my father.
7468: "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
7469: "So hang it there."
7470: "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
7471: "Paint it."
7472: "But a herring isn't wet."
7473: "If its just painted its still wet."
7474: "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
7475: doesn't whistle!!"
7476: "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
7477: hard."
7478: -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
7479: %%
7480: The First Rule of Program Optimization:
7481: Don't do it.
7482:
7483: The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
7484: Don't do it yet.
7485: -- Michael Jackson
7486: %%
7487: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
7488: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
7489: %%
7490: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
7491: chance.
7492: %%
7493: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
7494: center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
7495: Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
7496: End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
7497: %%
7498: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
7499: least until we've finished building it.
7500: %%
7501: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
7502: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
7503: %%
7504: The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
7505: love and he invented marriage.
7506: %%
7507: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
7508: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
7509: %%
7510: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
7511: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
7512: courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
7513: clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
7514: of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
7515: Hedgehog Eater.
7516: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7517: %%
7518: The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
7519: -- Albert Einstein
7520: %%
7521: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
7522: a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
7523: the contrary, nohow.
7524: %%
7525: The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
7526: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
7527: %%
7528: The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
7529: thinkers.
7530: %%
7531: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
7532: lists of "Ten Best".
7533: -- H. Allen Smith
7534: %%
7535: The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
7536: -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
7537: %%
7538: The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
7539: protein -- it rejects it.
7540: -- P. Medawar
7541: %%
7542: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
7543: -- Mark Twain
7544: %%
7545: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
7546: longer."
7547: -- Henry Kissinger
7548: %%
7549: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
7550: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
7551: important thing to people.
7552: -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
7553: %%
7554: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
7555: by the number of people in the group.
7556: %%
7557: The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
7558: information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
7559: dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
7560: real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
7561:
7562: So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
7563: pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
7564: consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
7565: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
7566: %%
7567: The Kennedy Constant:
7568: Don't get mad -- get even.
7569: %%
7570: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
7571: %%
7572: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
7573: Would shudder at a wicked word.
7574: Their candle gives a single light;
7575: They'd rather stay at home at night.
7576: They do not keep awake till three,
7577: Nor read erotic poetry.
7578: They never sanction the impure,
7579: Nor recognize an overture.
7580: They shrink from powders and from paints ...
7581: So far, I've had no complaints.
7582: -- Dorothy Parker
7583: %%
7584: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
7585: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
7586: bread.
7587: -- Anatole France
7588: %%
7589: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
7590:
7591: SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
7592: Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
7593: Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
7594: with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
7595: END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
7596: a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
7597: they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
7598: the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
7599: %%
7600: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
7601:
7602: This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
7603: an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
7604: to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
7605: %%
7606: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
7607:
7608: SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
7609: Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
7610: compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
7611: coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
7612: sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
7613: compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
7614: infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
7615: %%
7616: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
7617:
7618: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
7619: extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
7620: they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
7621: functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
7622: no fun at parties.
7623: %%
7624: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
7625:
7626: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
7627: unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
7628: are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
7629: SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
7630: parties.
7631: %%
7632: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
7633:
7634: This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
7635: submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
7636: best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
7637: language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
7638: statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
7639: similar to COBOL.
7640: %%
7641: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
7642:
7643: FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
7644: refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
7645: JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
7646: BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
7647: CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
7648:
7649: The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
7650: financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
7651: VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
7652: and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
7653: who end up using this language.
7654: %%
7655: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
7656: train.
7657: %%
7658: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
7659: much sleep.
7660: -- Woody Allen
7661: %%
7662: The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
7663: -- Henry Kissinger
7664: %%
7665: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
7666: we could with both of them."
7667: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
7668: %%
7669: The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
7670: crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
7671: one has ever been.
7672: -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
7673: %%
7674: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
7675: soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
7676: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
7677: %%
7678: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
7679: %%
7680: The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
7681: klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
7682:
7683: "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
7684:
7685: "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
7686: %%
7687: The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
7688: %%
7689: The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
7690: robbers there will be.
7691: -- Lao Tsu
7692: %%
7693: The more things change, the more they stay insane.
7694: %%
7695: The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
7696: is right.
7697: %%
7698: The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
7699: -- Andy Warhol
7700: %%
7701: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
7702: discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
7703: -- Isaac Asimov
7704: %%
7705: The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
7706: %%
7707: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
7708: Support your right to bare arms!
7709: %%
7710: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
7711: hope I don't get run over again.
7712: %%
7713: The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
7714: in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
7715:
7716: But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
7717: whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
7718: -- Matthew 5:37
7719: %%
7720: The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
7721: choose from.
7722: -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
7723: %%
7724: The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
7725: 80-column card.
7726: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7727: %%
7728: The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
7729: analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
7730: occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
7731: these problems when called upon.
7732:
7733: However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
7734: remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
7735: %%
7736: The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
7737:
7738: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
7739: Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
7740: Corporate Planning."
7741: %%
7742: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
7743: %%
7744: The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
7745: to cringe.
7746: %%
7747: The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
7748: `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
7749: -- Ernest Rutherford
7750: %%
7751: The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
7752: and take a rest.
7753: %%
7754: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
7755: use to oneself.
7756: -- Oscar Wilde
7757: %%
7758: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
7759: -- Oscar Wilde
7760: %%
7761: The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
7762: until 5 or 6 pm.
7763: %%
7764: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
7765: -- Bohr
7766: %%
7767: The optimum committee has no members.
7768: -- Norman Augustine
7769: %%
7770: The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
7771: on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
7772: acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
7773: French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
7774: the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
7775: picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
7776: ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
7777: with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
7778: dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
7779: several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
7780: evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
7781: drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
7782: be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
7783: %%
7784: The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
7785: it isn't here.
7786: -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
7787: %%
7788: The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
7789: Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
7790: large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
7791: it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
7792: apparatus for a spectator sport.
7793:
7794: The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
7795: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
7796: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7797: %%
7798: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
7799: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
7800: Let others think his heart is big,
7801: I think it stupid of the Pig.
7802: -- Ogden Nash
7803: %%
7804: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
7805: swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
7806: batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
7807: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
7808: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
7809: -- Dizzy Dean
7810: %%
7811: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
7812: swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
7813: batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
7814: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
7815: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
7816: -- Dizzy Dean
7817: %%
7818: The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
7819: Were each of them once a kiddie.
7820: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
7821: Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
7822: -- Ogden Nash
7823: %%
7824: The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
7825: constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
7826: appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
7827: statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
7828: also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
7829: -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
7830: %%
7831: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
7832: stupidity of your action.
7833: %%
7834: The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
7835: Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
7836: using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
7837: Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
7838: etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
7839: bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
7840: of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
7841: developed cancer.
7842: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
7843: %%
7844: The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
7845: to erase it.
7846: -- Glaser and Way
7847: %%
7848: The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
7849: pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
7850: -- Elizabeth Taylor
7851: %%
7852: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
7853: %%
7854: The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
7855: outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
7856: mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
7857: tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
7858: the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
7859: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7860: %%
7861: "The pyramid is opening!"
7862: "Which one?"
7863: "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
7864: -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
7865: Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
7866: %%
7867: The rain it raineth on the just
7868: And also on the unjust fella,
7869: But chiefly on the just, because
7870: The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
7871: %%
7872: The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
7873: %%
7874: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
7875: persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
7876: progress depends on the unreasonable man.
7877: -- George Bernard Shaw
7878: %%
7879: The revolution will not be televised.
7880: %%
7881: The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
7882: -- Emerson
7883: %%
7884: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
7885: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
7886: %%
7887: The Roman Rule
7888: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
7889: one who is doing it.
7890: %%
7891: The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
7892: his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
7893: one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
7894: take it too seriously.
7895: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7896: %%
7897: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
7898: showed that all had these things in common:
7899:
7900: 1. They all had moderate appetites.
7901: 2. They all came from middle class homes
7902: 3. All but two of them were dead.
7903: %%
7904: The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
7905: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
7906: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
7907: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
7908: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
7909:
7910: "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
7911: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
7912: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
7913: -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
7914:
7915: "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
7916:
7917: Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
7918: -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
7919: %%
7920: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
7921: -- Noelie Altito
7922: %%
7923: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
7924: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
7925: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
7926: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
7927: %%
7928: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
7929: %%
7930: The STAR WARS Song
7931: Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
7932:
7933: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
7934: Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
7935: S-O-D-A soda
7936: I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
7937: I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
7938: Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
7939:
7940: Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
7941: A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
7942: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
7943: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
7944: How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
7945: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
7946: %%
7947: The steady state of disks is full.
7948: --Ken Thompson
7949: %%
7950: THE STORY OF CREATION
7951: or
7952: THE MYTH OF URK
7953:
7954: In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
7955: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
7956: was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
7957: registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
7958: and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
7959: Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
7960: and there was morning, one interrupt ...
7961: -- Rico Tudor
7962: %%
7963: The sun was shining on the sea,
7964: Shining with all his might:
7965: He did his very best to make
7966: The billows smooth and bright --
7967: And this was very odd, because it was
7968: The middle of the night.
7969: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
7970: %%
7971: The superfluous is very necessary.
7972: -- Voltaire
7973: %%
7974: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
7975: authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
7976: the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
7977: the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
7978: radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
7979: as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
7980: receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
7981: Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
7982: heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
7983: the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
7984: heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
7985: radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
7986: earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
7987: cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
7988: fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
7989: burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
7990: that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
7991: have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
7992: -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
7993: %%
7994: The Third Law of Photography:
7995: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
7996: when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
7997: the dark leaks out.
7998: %%
7999: The three laws of thermodynamics:
8000:
8001: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
8002: The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
8003: even.
8004: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
8005: %%
8006: The trouble with a kitten is that
8007: When it grows up, it's always a cat
8008: -- Ogden Nash.
8009: %%
8010: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
8011: %%
8012: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
8013: more important to do.
8014: %%
8015: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
8016: appreciates how difficult it was.
8017: %%
8018: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
8019: vice versa.
8020: %%
8021: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
8022: Which practically conceal its sex.
8023: I think it clever of the turtle
8024: In such a fix to be so fertile.
8025: -- Ogden Nash
8026: %%
8027: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
8028: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
8029: -- Oscar Wilde
8030: %%
8031: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
8032: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
8033: to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
8034: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
8035: %%
8036: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
8037: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
8038: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
8039: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
8040: world put together.
8041: -- Sir Peter Medawar
8042: %%
8043: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
8044: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
8045: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
8046: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
8047: world put together.
8048: -- Sir Peter Medawar
8049: %%
8050: The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
8051: regarded as a criminal offense.
8052: -- E. W. Dijkstra
8053: %%
8054: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
8055: %%
8056: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
8057: that would be clearly understood."
8058: -- Alexander Haig
8059: %%
8060: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
8061: with a large fortune."
8062: %%
8063: THE WOMBAT
8064:
8065: The wombat lives across the seas,
8066: Among the far Antipodes.
8067: He may exist on nuts and berries,
8068: Or then again, on missionaries;
8069: His distant habitat precludes
8070: Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
8071: But I would not engage the wombat
8072: In any form of mortal combat.
8073: %%
8074: The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
8075: %%
8076: The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
8077: %%
8078: The world's as ugly as sin,
8079: And almost as delightful
8080: -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
8081: %%
8082: The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
8083: four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
8084: the answers.
8085: %%
8086: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
8087:
8088: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
8089: then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
8090: market.
8091:
8092: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
8093: not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
8094:
8095: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
8096: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
8097: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
8098: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8099: %%
8100: THEORY
8101: Into love and out again,
8102: Thus I went and thus I go.
8103: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
8104: Well and bitterly I know
8105: All the songs were ever sung,
8106: All the words were ever said;
8107: Could it be, when I was young,
8108: Someone dropped me on my head?
8109: -- Dorothy Parker
8110: %%
8111: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
8112: and praiseworthy ...
8113: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8114: %%
8115: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
8116: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
8117: -- Gloria Steinem
8118: %%
8119: There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
8120: someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
8121: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
8122: Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
8123: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
8124: this?
8125: Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
8126: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
8127: can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
8128: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
8129: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
8130: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
8131: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
8132: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
8133: %%
8134: There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
8135: plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
8136: and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
8137: don't we all?
8138: %%
8139: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
8140: -- Disraeli
8141: %%
8142: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
8143: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
8144: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
8145: %%
8146: There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
8147: offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
8148: a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
8149: of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
8150: affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
8151: When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
8152: Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
8153: -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
8154: %%
8155: There are three ways to get something done:
8156: 1. Do it yourself.
8157: 2. Hire someone to do it for you.
8158: 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
8159: %%
8160: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
8161: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
8162: %%
8163: There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
8164: the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
8165: sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
8166: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
8167: %%
8168: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
8169: other is to read Pope."
8170: -- Oscar Wilde
8171: %%
8172: There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
8173: works.
8174: %%
8175: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
8176: suitable application of high explosives.
8177: %%
8178: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
8179: -- Henry Kissinger
8180: %%
8181: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
8182: nothing about.
8183: %%
8184: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
8185: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
8186: %%
8187: There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
8188: %%
8189: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
8190: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
8191: inexplicable."
8192:
8193: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
8194: -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
8195: %%
8196: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
8197: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
8198: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
8199: inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
8200: already happened.
8201: -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
8202: %%
8203: There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
8204: -- Mark Twain
8205: %%
8206: There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
8207: tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
8208: abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
8209: war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
8210: of course.
8211: -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
8212: %%
8213: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
8214: -- G. B. Shaw
8215: %%
8216: There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
8217: reflexes.
8218: %%
8219: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
8220: doing.
8221: %%
8222: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
8223: that is not being talked about.
8224: -- Oscar Wilde
8225: %%
8226: There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
8227: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
8228: -- Mark Twain
8229: %%
8230: There once was a girl named Irene
8231: Who lived on distilled kerosene
8232: But she started absorbin'
8233: A new hydrocarbon
8234: And since then has never benzene.
8235: %%
8236: There once was an old man from Esser,
8237: Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
8238: It at last grew so small,
8239: He knew nothing at all,
8240: And now he's a College Professor.
8241: %%
8242: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
8243: it."
8244: -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
8245: %%
8246: There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
8247: left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
8248: Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
8249: started debating who should be allowed to stay.
8250:
8251: The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
8252: over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
8253: would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
8254: said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
8255: thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
8256: votes.
8257: %%
8258: There was a young lady from Hyde
8259: Who ate a green apple and died.
8260: While her lover lamented
8261: The apple fermented
8262: And made cider inside her inside.
8263: %%
8264: There was a young man who said "God,
8265: I find it exceedingly odd,
8266: That the willow oak tree
8267: Continues to be,
8268: When there's no one about in the Quad."
8269:
8270: "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
8271: For I'm always about in the Quad;
8272: And that's why the tree,
8273: Continues to be,"
8274: Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
8275: %%
8276: There was a young poet named Dan,
8277: Whose poetry never would scan.
8278: When told this was so,
8279: He said, "Yes, I know.
8280: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
8281: %%
8282: There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
8283: the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
8284: digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
8285: 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
8286: transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
8287: stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
8288: feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
8289: systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
8290: first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
8291: satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
8292: telephone business?
8293: %%
8294: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
8295: fence.
8296: %%
8297: There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
8298: %%
8299: There's little in taking or giving,
8300: There's little in water or wine:
8301: This living, this living, this living,
8302: Was never a project of mine.
8303: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
8304: The gain of the one at the top,
8305: For art is a form of catharsis,
8306: And love is a permanent flop,
8307: And work is the province of cattle,
8308: And rest's for a clam in a shell,
8309: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
8310: Would you kindly direct me to hell?
8311: -- Dorothy Parker
8312: %%
8313: There's no future in time travel
8314: %%
8315: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
8316: -- Dr. Who
8317: %%
8318: There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
8319: any worse.
8320: %%
8321: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
8322: what it is I'll get married again.
8323: -- Clint Eastwood
8324: %%
8325: There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
8326: becoming an endangered synthetic.
8327: -- Lily Tomlin
8328: %%
8329: "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
8330: "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
8331: "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
8332: out of MEGATON MAN!"
8333: %%
8334: These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
8335: used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
8336: %%
8337: They also surf who only stand on waves.
8338: %%
8339: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
8340: always spell better than they pronounce.
8341: -- Mark Twain
8342: %%
8343: "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
8344: %%
8345: They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
8346: About a month before. Their hair began to curl
8347: The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
8348: But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
8349:
8350: He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
8351: To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
8352: And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
8353: The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
8354:
8355: My notion was to start again
8356: Ignoring all they'd done
8357: We quickly turned it into code
8358: To see if it would run.
8359: %%
8360: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
8361: %%
8362: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
8363: %%
8364: Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
8365: %%
8366: Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
8367: %%
8368: Think honk if you're a telepath.
8369: %%
8370: Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
8371: %%
8372: Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
8373: %%
8374: Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
8375: computer crashes.
8376: %%
8377: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
8378: %%
8379: This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
8380: please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
8381: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
8382: something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
8383: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
8384: %%
8385: This fortune intentionally not included.
8386: %%
8387: This fortune is false.
8388: %%
8389: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
8390: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
8391: keys ..."
8392: %%
8393: This is for all ill-treated fellows
8394: Unborn and unbegot,
8395: For them to read when they're in trouble
8396: And I am not.
8397: -- A. E. Housman
8398: %%
8399: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
8400: %%
8401: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
8402:
8403: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
8404: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
8405: without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
8406: contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
8407: can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
8408: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
8409: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
8410: and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
8411: "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
8412: you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
8413: Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
8414: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
8415: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
8416: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
8417: %%
8418: This is the story of the bee
8419: Whose sex is very hard to see
8420:
8421: You cannot tell the he from the she
8422: But she can tell, and so can he
8423:
8424: The little bee is never still
8425: She has no time to take the pill
8426:
8427: And that is why, in times like these
8428: There are so many sons of bees.
8429: %%
8430: This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
8431: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
8432: to go.
8433: %%
8434: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
8435: %%
8436: This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
8437: the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
8438: solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
8439: largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
8440: which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
8441: paper that were unhappy.
8442: -- Douglas Adams
8443: %%
8444: ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
8445: personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
8446: best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
8447: Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
8448: soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
8449: reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
8450: table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
8451: not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
8452: crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
8453: beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
8454: wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
8455: Liza Minnelli.
8456: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
8457: %%
8458: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
8459: it.
8460: %%
8461: Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
8462: rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
8463: than he does.
8464: As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
8465: it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
8466: sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
8467: consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
8468: being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
8469: The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
8470: do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
8471: honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
8472: be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
8473: relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
8474: Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
8475: This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
8476: -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
8477: from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
8478: and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
8479: %%
8480: Those who can't write, write manuals.
8481: %%
8482: Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
8483: %%
8484: Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
8485: for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
8486: -- Aristotle
8487: %%
8488: Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
8489: %%
8490: Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
8491: revolution inevitable.
8492: -- John F. Kennedy
8493: %%
8494: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
8495: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
8496: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
8497: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
8498: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
8499: more about the matter than the others.
8500: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8501: %%
8502: Time flies like an arrow
8503: Fruit flies like a banana
8504: %%
8505: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
8506: once.
8507: %%
8508: (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
8509: Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
8510: Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
8511: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
8512: Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
8513: Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
8514: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
8515: And we've also found Just flip one switch
8516: When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
8517: You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
8518: in a flash.
8519: Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
8520: Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
8521: And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
8522: %%
8523: To A Quick Young Fox:
8524: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
8525: Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
8526: Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
8527: Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
8528: -- Lazy Dog
8529: %%
8530: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
8531: %%
8532: To be is to do.
8533: -- I. Kant
8534: To do is to be.
8535: -- A. Sartre
8536: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
8537: -- F. Flinstone
8538: %%
8539: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
8540: call it the target.
8541: %%
8542: To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
8543: %%
8544: To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
8545: -- Thomas Edison
8546: %%
8547: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
8548: %%
8549: To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
8550: system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
8551: inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
8552: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
8553: uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
8554: well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
8555: of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
8556: secure ecological niche.
8557: -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
8558: %%
8559: "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
8560: %%
8561: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
8562: -- Woody Allen
8563: %%
8564: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
8565: %%
8566: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
8567: %%
8568: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
8569: %%
8570: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
8571: %%
8572: Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
8573:
8574: And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
8575: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8576: %%
8577: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
8578: %%
8579: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
8580: %%
8581: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
8582: -- Mae West
8583: %%
8584: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
8585: %%
8586: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
8587: in eucalyptus trees.
8588: %%
8589: Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
8590: intelligence.
8591: -- Henrik Tikkanen
8592: %%
8593: Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
8594: %%
8595: Truthful, adj.:
8596: Dumb and illiterate.
8597: %%
8598: Truthful, adj.:
8599: Dumb and illiterate.
8600: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8601: %%
8602: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
8603: -- Charles Schulz
8604: %%
8605: Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
8606: good.
8607: %%
8608: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
8609: %%
8610: Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
8611: specification is that it should run noiselessly.
8612: %%
8613: Turnaucka's Law:
8614: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
8615: electrical cord.
8616: %%
8617: Tussman's Law:
8618: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
8619: %%
8620: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
8621: -- Frank Lloyd Wright
8622: %%
8623: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
8624: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
8625: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
8626: And Cory raths outgrave.
8627:
8628: "Beware the software rot, my son!
8629: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
8630: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
8631: The frumious system crash!"
8632: %%
8633: 'Twas the Night before Crisis
8634:
8635: 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
8636: Not a program was working not even a browse.
8637: The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
8638: Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
8639: The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
8640: While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
8641: When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
8642: I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
8643: And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
8644: But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
8645: More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
8646: And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
8647: On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
8648: On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
8649: His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
8650: From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
8651: A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
8652: Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
8653: %%
8654: 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
8655: preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
8656: throughout our place of residence,
8657: Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
8658: possessors of this potential, including that
8659: species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
8660: Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
8661: edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
8662: Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
8663: imminent visitation from an eccentric
8664: philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
8665: is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
8666: %%
8667: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
8668: -- Howard Kandel
8669: %%
8670: Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
8671: %%
8672: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
8673: %%
8674: "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
8675:
8676: "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
8677: right?"
8678: -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
8679: %%
8680: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
8681: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
8682: hammer or get a splinter in it.
8683: %%
8684: Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
8685: can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
8686: %%
8687: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
8688: Superiority is recessive.
8689: %%
8690: Unfair animal names:
8691:
8692: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
8693: -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
8694: -- sapsucker -- Clarence
8695: -- Gary Larson
8696: %%
8697: United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
8698: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
8699: all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
8700: all the patriots of every persuasion.
8701:
8702: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
8703: world.
8704: -- Isaac Asimov
8705: %%
8706: Universe, n.:
8707: The problem.
8708: %%
8709: University, n.:
8710: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
8711: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
8712: fix it, and ...
8713: %%
8714: Unnamed Law:
8715: If it happens, it must be possible.
8716: %%
8717: Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
8718: twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
8719: -- H. L. Mencken
8720: %%
8721: Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
8722: %%
8723: User n.:
8724: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
8725: %%
8726: Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
8727: -- S. C. Johnson
8728: %%
8729: Vail's Second Axiom:
8730: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
8731: amount of work already completed.
8732: %%
8733: Van Roy's Law:
8734: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8735: %%
8736: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
8737: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
8738: once.
8739: 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
8740: points.
8741: %%
8742: "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
8743: year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
8744: reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
8745: artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
8746: moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
8747: Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
8748: entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
8749: sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
8750:
8751: "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
8752:
8753: "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
8754: good copy."
8755: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
8756: %%
8757: Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
8758: %%
8759: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
8760: -- Salvor Hardin
8761: %%
8762: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
8763: Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
8764: ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
8765: morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
8766: wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
8767: that old underwear you own.
8768: %%
8769: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
8770: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
8771: sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
8772: fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
8773: %%
8774: Virtue is its own punishment.
8775: %%
8776: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
8777: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
8778: %%
8779: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
8780: %%
8781: Vote anarchist
8782: %%
8783: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
8784: -- Mark Twain
8785: %%
8786: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
8787: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
8788: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
8789: (Waiter exits, returns)
8790: Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
8791: %%
8792: War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
8793: -- Charles Edward Montague
8794: %%
8795: WARNING:
8796: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
8797: mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
8798: hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
8799: your favorite war.
8800: %%
8801: Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
8802: -- John F. Kennedy
8803: %%
8804: Wasting time is an important part of living.
8805: %%
8806: Watson's Law:
8807: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
8808: number and significance of any persons watching it.
8809: %%
8810: We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
8811: -- Whole Earth Catalog
8812: %%
8813: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
8814: -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
8815: %%
8816: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
8817: -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
8818: %%
8819: We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
8820: %%
8821: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
8822: %%
8823: We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
8824: hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
8825: %%
8826: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
8827: -- Walt Kelly
8828: %%
8829: "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
8830: hands for masturbation."
8831: -- Lily Tomlin
8832: %%
8833: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
8834: respect their good judgement.
8835: %%
8836: We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
8837: no matter how self-seeking.
8838: -- F. G. Withington
8839: %%
8840: We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
8841: friends are trying to kill us.
8842: %%
8843: We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
8844: But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
8845: Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
8846: I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
8847: her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
8848: had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
8849: told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
8850: lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
8851: fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
8852: what men must do. ...
8853: "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
8854: sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
8855: not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
8856: quiet and peace I will never forget.
8857: "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
8858: tollway belle's for thee."
8859: The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
8860: a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
8861: poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
8862: -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
8863: Competition
8864: %%
8865: We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
8866: technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
8867: %%
8868: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
8869: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
8870: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
8871: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
8872: in the end a summer with wild winds &
8873: new friends will be.
8874: %%
8875: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8876: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8877: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8878: And a Sun Myung Moon!
8879: -- Maxwell Smart
8880: %%
8881: "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
8882: %%
8883: We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
8884: the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
8885: you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
8886: in his bowl full of jelly.
8887: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
8888: %%
8889: We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
8890: of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
8891: but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
8892: -- Andy Rooney
8893: %%
8894: Weiler's Law:
8895: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
8896: himself.
8897: %%
8898: Weinberg's First Law:
8899: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
8900: %%
8901: Weinberg's Principle:
8902: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
8903: sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
8904: %%
8905: Weinberg's Second Law:
8906: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
8907: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
8908: civilization.
8909: %%
8910: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
8911: There are no answers, only cross references.
8912: %%
8913: Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
8914: back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
8915: or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
8916: they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
8917: -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
8918: %%
8919: "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
8920: you believe?!"
8921: -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
8922: %%
8923: Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
8924: And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
8925: I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
8926: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8927:
8928: If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
8929: Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
8930: 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
8931: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8932:
8933: On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
8934: But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
8935: Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
8936: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8937: -- Core Dumped Blues
8938: %%
8939: Westheimer's Discovery:
8940: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
8941: couple of hours in the library.
8942: %%
8943: Wethern's Law:
8944: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
8945: %%
8946: "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
8947: teenager asked her mother.
8948: "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
8949: %%
8950: What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
8951: %%
8952: What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
8953: %%
8954: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
8955: %%
8956: What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
8957: entrance?
8958: %%
8959: What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
8960: in his footsteps?
8961: %%
8962: What I tell you three times is true.
8963: %%
8964: What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
8965: %%
8966: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
8967: definitely overpaid for my carpet.
8968: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8969: %%
8970: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
8971: worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
8972: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8973: %%
8974: What is a magician but a practising theorist?
8975: -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
8976: %%
8977: What is mind? No matter.
8978: What is matter? Never mind.
8979: -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
8980: %%
8981: What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
8982: computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
8983: and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
8984: %%
8985: "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
8986: -- Bertold Brecht
8987: %%
8988: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
8989: %%
8990: What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
8991: to compare it with.
8992: %%
8993: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
8994: to compare it with.
8995: %%
8996: What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
8997: It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
8998: and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
8999: and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
9000: women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
9001: mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
9002: and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
9003: -- Susan Gordon
9004: %%
9005: What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
9006: -- Ursula K. LeGuin
9007: %%
9008: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
9009: %%
9010: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
9011: %%
9012: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
9013: bagel.
9014: %%
9015: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
9016: bagel.
9017: %%
9018: What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
9019: %%
9020: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
9021: %%
9022: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
9023: %%
9024: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
9025: -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
9026: %%
9027: What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
9028: Our Standardized Model should please even you,
9029: Tho once you did say that of charm there was none
9030: It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
9031: Yet your state of the union penultimate large
9032: Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
9033: And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
9034: Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
9035: Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
9036: For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
9037: But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
9038: Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
9039: Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
9040: You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
9041: That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
9042: Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
9043: Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
9044: Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
9045: -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984
9046: %%
9047: "What's that thing?"
9048: "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
9049: computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
9050: it does. We call it a two-by-four."
9051: -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
9052: %%
9053: Whatever became of eternal truth?
9054: %%
9055: Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
9056: cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
9057: as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
9058: hundred dollar bills."
9059: -- Herb Caen
9060: %%
9061: Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
9062: nailed down.
9063: -- Collis P. Huntingdon
9064: %%
9065: When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
9066: money is.
9067: -- Robespierre
9068: %%
9069: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
9070: thing," it's the money.
9071: -- Kim Hubbard
9072: %%
9073: When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
9074: loop?
9075: %%
9076: When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
9077: not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
9078: travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
9079: -- Robert Heinlein
9080: %%
9081: When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
9082: sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
9083: relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
9084: -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
9085: Maintenance"
9086: %%
9087: When all other means of communication fail, try words.
9088: %%
9089: When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
9090: think it was a Tuesday.
9091: %%
9092: When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
9093: guarantee them.
9094: %%
9095: When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
9096: ladies, and, of course, the goat.
9097: %%
9098: When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
9099: I'm beginning to believe it.
9100: -- Clarence Darrow
9101: %%
9102: When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
9103: the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
9104: -- Woody Allen
9105: %%
9106: When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
9107: or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
9108: cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
9109: go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
9110: -- Mark Twain
9111: %%
9112: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
9113: %%
9114: "When in doubt, tell the truth."
9115: -- Mark Twain
9116: %%
9117: When in doubt, use brute force.
9118: -- Ken Thompson
9119: %%
9120: When love is gone, there's always justice.
9121: And when justice is gone, there's always force.
9122: And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
9123: Hi, Mom!
9124: -- Laurie Anderson
9125: %%
9126: When Marriage is Outlawed,
9127: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
9128: %%
9129: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
9130: results.
9131: -- Calvin Coolidge
9132: %%
9133: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
9134: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
9135: %%
9136: "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
9137: -- Jon Carroll
9138: %%
9139: When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
9140: modify the problem, not the remedy.
9141: %%
9142: When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
9143: the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
9144: nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
9145: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9146: %%
9147: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
9148: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
9149: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
9150: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
9151: corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
9152: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
9153: %%
9154: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
9155: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
9156: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
9157: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
9158: -- George Bernard Shaw
9159: %%
9160: When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
9161: not hereditary.
9162: -- Thomas Paine
9163: %%
9164: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
9165: %%
9166: When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
9167: %%
9168: When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
9169: clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
9170: to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
9171: In a way, the next move is up to him.
9172: -- R. A. Lafferty
9173: %%
9174: "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
9175: -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
9176: %%
9177: When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
9178: -- The Wall Street Journal
9179: %%
9180: When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
9181: Wretched, bored, dejected; only
9182: Here's the rub, my darling dear
9183: I feel the same when you are near.
9184: -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
9185: %%
9186: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
9187: %%
9188: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
9189: %%
9190: Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
9191: -- Dave Parnas
9192: %%
9193: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
9194: see it tried on him personally.
9195: -- A. Lincoln
9196: %%
9197: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
9198: --Oscar Wilde
9199: %%
9200: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
9201: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
9202: Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
9203: -- Mark Twain
9204: "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
9205: %%
9206: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
9207: to reform.
9208: -- Mark Twain
9209: %%
9210: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
9211: to reform.
9212: -- Mark Twain
9213: %%
9214: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
9215:
9216: Oh, dear, where can the matter be
9217: When it's converted to energy?
9218: There is a slight loss of parity.
9219: Johnny's so long at the fair.
9220: %%
9221: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
9222: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
9223: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
9224: %%
9225: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
9226: %%
9227: Whether you can hear it or not
9228: The Universe is laughing behind your back
9229: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
9230: %%
9231: While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
9232: admission to someone else.
9233: %%
9234: While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
9235: The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
9236: While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
9237: And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
9238: Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
9239: The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
9240: -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
9241: November 26, 1792
9242: %%
9243: While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
9244: form of misery.
9245: %%
9246: While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
9247: position.
9248: %%
9249: While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
9250: correctness never does.
9251: %%
9252: While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
9253: reassuring to know that it's still there.
9254: %%
9255: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
9256: safe, for you can watch both of his.
9257: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9258: %%
9259: Whistler's Law:
9260: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
9261: charge.
9262: %%
9263: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
9264: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
9265: %%
9266: Who made the world I cannot tell;
9267: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
9268: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
9269: I never soiled with such a deed.
9270: -- A. E. Housman
9271: %%
9272: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
9273: %%
9274: Who's on first?
9275: %%
9276: Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
9277: %%
9278: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
9279: -- Bertold Brecht
9280: %%
9281: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
9282: avoid responsibility with?
9283: %%
9284: Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
9285: automation?
9286: %%
9287: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
9288: there must be a beverage.
9289: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9290: %%
9291: Why I Can't Go Out With You:
9292:
9293: I'd LOVE to, but ...
9294: -- I have to floss my cat.
9295: -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
9296: -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
9297: -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
9298: -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
9299: -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
9300: -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
9301: -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
9302: -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
9303: -- I have some really hard words to look up.
9304: -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
9305: -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
9306: %%
9307: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
9308: because we are not the person involved"
9309: -- Mark Twain
9310: %%
9311: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
9312: -- Lily Tomlin
9313: %%
9314: Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
9315: Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
9316: children open their old-fashioned presents.
9317:
9318: Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
9319:
9320: You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
9321: falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
9322:
9323: Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
9324: with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
9325: and I get this cretin TOP?"
9326:
9327: Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
9328:
9329: You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
9330:
9331: Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
9332: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
9333: %%
9334: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
9335: -- Oscar Wilde
9336: %%
9337: Wiker's Law:
9338: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
9339: %%
9340: William Safire's Rules for Writers:
9341:
9342: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
9343: be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
9344: agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
9345: out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
9346: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
9347: not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
9348: conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
9349: sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
9350: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
9351: words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
9352: must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
9353: linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
9354: metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
9355: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
9356: writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
9357: the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
9358: viable alternatives.
9359: %%
9360: Williams and Holland's Law:
9361: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
9362: statistical methods.
9363: %%
9364: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
9365: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
9366: %%
9367: Wit, n.:
9368: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
9369: ... by leaving it out.
9370: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9371: %%
9372: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
9373: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
9374: %%
9375: With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
9376: build a nuclear balm?
9377: %%
9378: With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
9379: miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
9380: still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
9381: such thing as progress.
9382: -- Ransom K. Ferm
9383: %%
9384: Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
9385: %%
9386: Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
9387: you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
9388: down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
9389: tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
9390: long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
9391: there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
9392: come back.
9393:
9394: Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
9395: when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
9396: Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
9397: cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
9398: heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
9399: beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
9400: and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
9401: although their insurance rates went way up.
9402: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
9403: %%
9404: Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
9405: chairs.
9406: %%
9407: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
9408: August. The lines are the shortest, though.
9409: -- Steve Rubenstein
9410: %%
9411: Worst Month of the Year:
9412: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
9413: you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
9414: get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
9415: -- Steve Rubenstein
9416: %%
9417: Worst Vegetable of the Year:
9418: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
9419: year.
9420: -- Steve Rubenstein
9421: %%
9422: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
9423:
9424: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
9425: -- Lewis Carrol
9426: %%
9427: Write-Protect Tab, n.:
9428: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
9429: left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
9430: message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
9431: momentary inconvenience.
9432: -- Robb Russon
9433: %%
9434: X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
9435: imagination is the plot.
9436: %%
9437: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
9438: %%
9439: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
9440: %%
9441: "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
9442: goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
9443: their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
9444: unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
9445: doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
9446: -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
9447: %%
9448: Year, n.:
9449: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
9450: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9451: %%
9452: Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
9453: %%
9454: Yes, but which self do you want to be?
9455: %%
9456: Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
9457: be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
9458: -- Snoopy
9459: %%
9460: Yesterday upon the stair
9461: I met a man who wasn't there.
9462: He wasn't there again today --
9463: I think he's from the CIA.
9464: %%
9465: Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
9466: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
9467: %%
9468: Yinkel, n.:
9469: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
9470: will notice.
9471: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
9472: %%
9473: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
9474: "All your papers these days look the same;
9475: Those William's would be better unread --
9476: Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
9477:
9478: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
9479: "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
9480: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
9481: Made it pointless to think any more."
9482: %%
9483: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
9484: "And your hair has become very white;
9485: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
9486: Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
9487:
9488: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
9489: "I feared it might injure the brain;
9490: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
9491: Why, I do it again and again."
9492: -- Lewis Carrol
9493: %%
9494: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
9495: That your lectures bore people to death.
9496: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
9497: Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
9498:
9499: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
9500: Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
9501: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
9502: Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
9503: %%
9504: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
9505: For anything tougher than suet;
9506: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
9507: Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
9508:
9509: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
9510: And argued each case with my wife;
9511: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
9512: Has lasted the rest of my life."
9513: -- Lewis Carrol
9514: %%
9515: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
9516: And there isn't one language you like;
9517: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
9518: Have you thought about taking a hike?"
9519:
9520: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
9521: "Every language looks equally bad;
9522: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
9523: And don't realize that they've been had."
9524: %%
9525: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
9526: And have grown most uncommonly fat;
9527: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
9528: Pray what is the reason of that?"
9529:
9530: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
9531: "I kept all my limbs very supple
9532: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
9533: Allow me to sell you a couple?"
9534: -- Lewis Carrol
9535: %%
9536: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
9537: And make errors few people could bear;
9538: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
9539: Do you really think this is quite fair?"
9540:
9541: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
9542: "But my stature these days is so great
9543: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
9544: And to stop me it's now far too late."
9545: %%
9546: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
9547: That your eye was as steady as ever;
9548: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
9549: What made you so awfully clever?"
9550:
9551: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
9552: Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
9553: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
9554: Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
9555: -- Lewis Carrol
9556: %%
9557: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
9558: %%
9559: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
9560: this sort of trash.
9561: %%
9562: You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
9563: incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
9564: Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
9565: to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
9566: nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
9567: they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
9568: some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
9569:
9570: The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
9571: pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
9572: safety glasses.
9573: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
9574: %%
9575: You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
9576: executive.
9577: %%
9578: You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
9579: can with just a kind word.
9580: -- Bumper Sticker
9581: %%
9582: You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
9583: %%
9584: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
9585: the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
9586: -- Alan Perlis
9587: %%
9588: You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
9589: decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
9590: over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
9591: -- F. Allen
9592: %%
9593: You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
9594: supercomputers.
9595: -- Steven Feiner
9596: %%
9597: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
9598: %%
9599: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
9600: %%
9601: You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
9602: enough worrying about what's happening now.
9603: -- Lauren Bacall
9604: %%
9605: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
9606: don't."
9607: -- Dagwood Bumstead
9608: %%
9609: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
9610: %%
9611: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
9612: %%
9613: You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
9614: %%
9615: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
9616: and last month in advance.
9617: %%
9618: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
9619: doubt.
9620: -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
9621: %%
9622: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
9623: -- J. D. Salinger
9624: %%
9625: You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
9626: needles.
9627: -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
9628: %%
9629: You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The
9630: short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
9631: which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
9632: tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
9633: names. Here's the complete text:
9634:
9635: "1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
9636: "2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
9637: "3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
9638: send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
9639: THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
9640: household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
9641: you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
9642: NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
9643:
9644: The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
9645: money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
9646: form.
9647: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9648: %%
9649: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
9650: today.
9651: %%
9652: You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
9653: friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
9654: %%
9655: "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
9656: airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
9657: deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
9658: when I was young!"
9659: "Why, what did she tell you?"
9660: "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
9661: -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
9662: %%
9663: You may be recognized soon. Hide.
9664: %%
9665: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
9666: -- Alfred Kahn
9667: %%
9668: You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
9669: success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
9670: or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
9671: party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
9672: -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
9673: %%
9674: You might have mail
9675: %%
9676: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
9677: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
9678: %%
9679: You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
9680: be dead.
9681: %%
9682: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
9683: beach.
9684: %%
9685: You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
9686: you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
9687: yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
9688: company.
9689: -- J. Wellington Wells
9690: %%
9691: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
9692: %%
9693: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
9694: if they are dead.
9695: %%
9696: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
9697: freedom and liberty.
9698: -- Henrick Ibson
9699: %%
9700: You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
9701: contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
9702: houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
9703: scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
9704: summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
9705: you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
9706: sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
9707: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
9708: %%
9709: You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
9710: %%
9711: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
9712: %%
9713: You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
9714: %%
9715: You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
9716: to worry.
9717: %%
9718: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
9719: %%
9720: You're at the end of the road again.
9721: %%
9722: You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
9723: %%
9724: You're never too old to become younger.
9725: -- Mae West
9726: %%
9727: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
9728: -- Dean Martin
9729: %%
9730: You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
9731: %%
9732: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
9733: thing he tells you.
9734: %%
9735: Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
9736: from enjoying it.
9737: %%
9738: Your fault: core dumped
9739: %%
9740: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
9741: %%
9742: Your lucky color has faded.
9743: %%
9744: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
9745: %%
9746: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
9747: %%
9748: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
9749: %%
9750: Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
9751: when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
9752: %%
9753: Zero Defects, n.:
9754: The result of shutting down a production line.
9755: %%
9756: Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
9757: since I first called my brother's father dad.
9758: -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
9759: %%
9760: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
9761: People are always available for work in the past tense.
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