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1.1 root 1: Zippy the pinhead data base. The official copy of this is in the file
2: "MLY;YOW >" on AI.AI.MIT.EDU
3: Everything up to the first ascii \000 (`null') character is a comment.
4: The file consits of zippy quotations (from various comic books and
5: strips by Bill Griffith) followed by a null character.
6: Newline chracters following a quotation are ignored and are present
7: only for readability.
8: Have FUN!
9: This file is currently used by:
10: * the FORTUNE program on OZ.AI.MIT.EDU
11: * the m-x yow command in GNU Emacs.
12: * NIL (MIT Common Lisp)'s debugger
13: * something bandy wrote at LLL-CRG.ARPA (fucking death labs).
14:
15: - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
16: -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
17: ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
18: --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
19: I fed the cat. - Zippy''
20: --- I have seen the FUN ---
21: .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
22: .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
23: LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
24: .. I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
25: .. I feel.. JUGULAR..
26: .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
27: .. I see TOILET SEATS...
28: .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
29: a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
30: .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
31: 14th STOREY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
32: .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
33: SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
34: .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
35: .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
36: .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
37: as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
38: .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
39: of a KOSHER DELI --
40: .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
41: .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
42: here in DUSSELDORF!!
43: .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
44: a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
45: .. My vaseline is RUNNING...
46: .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
47: JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
48: .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
49: .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
50: of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
51: PROPERTY VALUES!!
52: .. One FISHWICH coming up!!
53: .. Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today --
54: or have a VASECTOMY??
55: .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into
56: HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
57: will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
58: .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
59: .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
60: .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
61: .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
62: .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
63: .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
64: .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
65: ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
66: ich rieche PIZZA...
67: .. my NOSE is NUMB!
68: .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
69: in MIAMI last Tuesday?
70: .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
71: .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
72: .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
73: is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum!
74: .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
75: .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
76: A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
77: A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
78: A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
79: A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
80: LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
81: ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
82: RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
83: Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
84: All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
85: by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
86: All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
87: grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
88: ... Although I don't know WHY!!
89: All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
90: All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
91: All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
92: Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
93: Am I SHOPLIFTING?
94: Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
95: Am I elected yet?
96: Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
97: America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
98: your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
99: An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
100: An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
101: An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
102: And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
103: Are we THERE yet?
104: Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
105: Are we live or on tape?
106: Are we on STRIKE yet?
107: Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
108: Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
109: Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
110: As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
111: Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
112: BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
113: BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
114: ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
115: BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
116: BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
117: Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
118: But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
119: Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
120: Bo Derek ruined my life!
121: Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
122: Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
123: But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
124: CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
125: CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
126: DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
127: Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
128: Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
129: Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
130: Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
131: Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
132: Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
133: Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
134: Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
135: JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
136: Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
137: UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
138: Could I have a drug overdose?
139: DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
140: DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
141: Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
142: Did I SELL OUT yet??
143: Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
144: Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
145: Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
146: Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
147: in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
148: Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
149: Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
150: Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
151: straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
152: and devalue the dollar!
153: Do I have a lifestyle yet?
154: Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
155: Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
156: Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
157: Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
158: Don't SANFORIZE me!!
159: Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
160: Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
161: .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
162: BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
163: Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
164: Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
165: Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
166: Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
167: Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
168: or a disaster Movie!!
169: Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
170: Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
171: survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
172: FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
173: FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
174: FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
175: FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
176: Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
177: faculty dining room.
178: First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
179: So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
180: Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
181: gothic solarium!!
182: GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
183: to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
184: Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
185: my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
186: Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
187: Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
188: Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
189: HAIR TONICS, please!!
190: HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
191: HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
192: HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
193: HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
194: HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
195: Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
196: Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
197: -- I'm living for today!
198: Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
199: Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
200: He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
201: XEROX him... XEROX him --
202: He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
203: inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
204: like to PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection
205: to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
206: I should call AL PACINO!
207: Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
208: Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
209: Alaskan females!!
210: Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
211: INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
212: Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
213: World War III? No thanks!
214: Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
215: Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
216: my urine sample bottles..
217: Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
218: anywhere!!
219: Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
220: Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
221: Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
222: Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
223: drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
224: Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
225: island, when...
226: Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
227: by a TROLLEY-CAR..
228: Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
229: ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
230: Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
231: POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
232: Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
233: How do I get HOME?
234: How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
235: It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
236: SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
237: HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
238: How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
239: PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
240: How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
241: How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
242: I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
243: JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
244: I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
245: COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
246: I Know A Joke
247: I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
248: I am NOT a nut....
249: I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
250: I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
251: I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
252: I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
253: I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
254: I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
255: I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
256: I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
257: I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
258: I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
259: LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
260: I demand IMPUNITY!
261: I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
262: I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
263: just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
264: .. to sell more numbers!!
265: I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
266: in my rear molars..
267: I feel better about world problems now!
268: I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
269: I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
270: I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
271: I feel partially hydrogenated!
272: I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
273: of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
274: the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
275: I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
276: I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
277: I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
278: I had pancake makeup for brunch!
279: I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
280: I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
281: I have accepted Provolone into my life!
282: I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
283: I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
284: .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
285: I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
286: I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
287: every day from Oral Roberts!!
288: I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
289: I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
290: a REASON to live!!
291: I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
292: I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
293: your life savings in yeast!!
294: I invented skydiving in 1989!
295: I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
296: I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
297: I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
298: But now I can't remember WHO he is...
299: I just had a NOSE JOB!!
300: I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
301: I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
302: with my LEISURE SUIT!!
303: I just remembered something about a TOAD!
304: I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
305: I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
306: I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
307: I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
308: I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
309: I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
310: I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
311: I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
312: six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
313: I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
314: I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
315: I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
316: about GUN CONTROL legislation..
317: I represent a sardine!!
318: I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
319: I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs''!
320: I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
321: I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
322: I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
323: I think my career is ruined!
324: I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
325: HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
326: I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
327: I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
328: I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
329: I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
330: I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
331: I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
332: VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
333: I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
334: I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
335: I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
336: I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
337: BACKWARDS!!
338: I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
339: formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
340: please don't be FURIOUS with me --
341: I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
342: I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
343: I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
344: I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
345: I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
346: I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
347: I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
348: I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
349: I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
350: I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
351: I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
352: I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
353: I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
354: I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
355: miniature DOMED STADIUM...
356: I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
357: I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
358: I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
359: while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
360: I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
361: Equip me with MISSILES!!
362: I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
363: I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
364: I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
365: I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
366: I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
367: I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
368: I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
369: for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
370: I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
371: I'm definitely not in Omaha!
372: I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
373: I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
374: I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
375: I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
376: of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
377: I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
378: I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
379: I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
380: I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
381: I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
382: in my PAJAMA POCKET??
383: I'm having an emotional outburst!!
384: I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
385: I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
386: I'm into SOFTWARE!
387: I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
388: PERSONAL SPACE!!
389: I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
390: Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
391: I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
392: I'm not available for comment..
393: I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
394: I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
395: instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
396: I'm rated PG-34!!
397: I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
398: I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
399: the Latin Hustle now!
400: I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
401: I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
402: I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
403: I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
404: computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
405: I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
406: I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
407: INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
408: I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
409: I'm wet! I'm wild!
410: I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
411: I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
412: I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
413: you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
414: I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
415: INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
416: If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
417: If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
418: will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
419: If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
420: If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
421: If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
422: If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
423: Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
424: If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
425: for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
426: of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
427: If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
428: a 55-year-old houseboy...
429: If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
430: In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
431: Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
432: Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
433: Or are we suffering in Safeway?
434: Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
435: one wild afternoon??
436: Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
437: in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
438: Is it clean in other dimensions?
439: Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
440: Is this TERMINAL fun?
441: Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
442: Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
443: Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
444: makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
445: Isn't this my STOP?!
446: It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
447: It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
448: from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
449: It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
450: It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
451: an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
452: WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
453: It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
454: It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
455: It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
456: JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
457: their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
458: Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
459: Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
460: can be carried too FAR!
461: Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
462: PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
463: LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
464: LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
465: ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
466: Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
467: is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
468: Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
469: I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
470: I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
471: Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
472: Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
473: Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
474: Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
475: Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
476: Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
477: or a HIGHBALL??...
478: Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
479: Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
480: MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
481: MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
482: MY income is ALL disposable!
483: Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
484: Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
485: in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
486: Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
487: Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
488: with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
489: about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
490: soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
491: Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
492: fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
493: animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
494: For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
495: on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
496: Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
497: of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
498: My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
499: My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
500: DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
501: My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
502: in upstate New York!!
503: My EARS are GONE!!
504: My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
505: My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
506: My haircut is totally traditional!
507: My life is a patio of fun!
508: My mind is a potato field...
509: My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
510: My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
511: My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
512: My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
513: My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
514: NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
515: NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
516: They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
517: They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
518: They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
519: Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
520: NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
521: Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
522: and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
523: Now I am depressed...
524: Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
525: Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
526: with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
527: Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
528: the end of World War II!
529: Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round
530: wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS
531: and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
532: Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
533: SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
534: Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
535: Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
536: and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
537: Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
538: OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
539: FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
540: OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
541: and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
542: it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
543: WASHING MACHINES?
544: ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
545: to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
546: TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
547: THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
548: OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
549: and BEYOND REPAIR!!
550: Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
551: Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
552: Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
553: Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
554: HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
555: On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
556: watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
557: On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
558: QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
559: if only we let it!!
560: On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
561: without a POINT.
562: Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
563: FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
564: Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
565: It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
566: We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
567: MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
568: Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
569: at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
570: and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
571: PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
572: PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
573: PIZZA!!
574: PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
575: Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
576: with your BOOTH!
577: Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
578: in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
579: Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
580: Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
581: Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
582: RELATIVES!!
583: RHAPSODY in Glue!
584: Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
585: ONLY by prescription!!
586: SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
587: blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
588: soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
589: SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
590: into empty OIL DRUMS..
591: Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
592: San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
593: Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
594: Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
595: hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
596: Sign my PETITION.
597: So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
598: Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
599: Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
600: Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
601: ``Leave it to Beaver''!
602: Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
603: a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
604: Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
605: TAILFINS!! ...click...
606: TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
607: ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
608: TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
609: Talking Pinhead Blues:
610: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
611: channel TWENTY-SIX!!
612: Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
613: has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
614: My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
615: HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
616: So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
617: upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
618: Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
619: to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
620: Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
621: Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
622: The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
623: The Korean War must have been fun.
624: The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
625: The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
626: The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
627: But they went to MARS around 1953!!
628: The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
629: The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
630: the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
631: The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
632: and have since BIRTH!!
633: The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
634: down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
635: There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
636: in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
637: There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
638: These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
639: They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
640: they had no teen appeal!
641: This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
642: This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
643: pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
644: This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
645: This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
646: This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
647: is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
648: This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
649: Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
650: my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
651: Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
652: feeling for the aesthetic modules --
653: Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
654: TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
655: Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
656: Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
657: I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
658: UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
659: by mistake!!!
660: UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
661: having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
662: UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
663: Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
664: frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
665: Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
666: Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
667: Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
668: Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
669: TAX-DEFERRED!
670: WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
671: WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
672: be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
673: Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
674: Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
675: We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
676: We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
677: We just joined the civil hair patrol!
678: We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
679: 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
680: Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
681: LADIES ROOM...
682: Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
683: VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
684: Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
685: EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
686: Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
687: I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
688: I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
689: Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
690: What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
691: What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
692: What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
693: What PROGRAM are they watching?
694: What UNIVERSE is this, please??
695: What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
696: What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
697: When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
698: or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
699: When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
700: When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
701: When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
702: CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
703: COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
704: Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
705: Where does it go when you flush?
706: Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
707: Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
708: Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
709: While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
710: Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
711: While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
712: bank account.. This will have the same effect as
713: two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
714: Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
715: Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??
716: Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
717: Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
718: Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
719: HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
720: Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
721: Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
722: Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
723: With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
724: World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
725: dress code!
726: Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
727: Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
728: YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
729: YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
730: VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
731: YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
732: YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
733: YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
734: and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
735: YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
736: YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
737: YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
738: of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
739: SEX WEEKEND!
740: YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
741: Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
742: at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
743: You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
744: You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
745: th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
746: You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
747: You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
748: on a NEW CAREER!!
749: You were s'posed to laugh!
750: Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
751: Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
752: Yow!
753: Yow! Am I having fun yet?
754: Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
755: Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
756: Yow! Are we laid back yet?
757: Yow! Are we wet yet?
758: Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
759: Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
760: Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
761: Yow! I threw up on my window!
762: Yow! I want my nose in lights!
763: Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
764: Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos
765: alone in a steel mill!
766: Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
767: Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
768: Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
769: Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
770: Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
771: Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
772: Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
773: when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
774: Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
775: Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
776: Yow! We're going to a new disco!
777: Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
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