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Annotation of 43BSDReno/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
        !             2: %
        !             3: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
        !             4: %
        !             5: (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
        !             6: (2) Great generals are forewarned.
        !             7: (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
        !             8: (4) Four is an even number.
        !             9: (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
        !            10: (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
        !            11: 
        !            12: Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
        !            13: %
        !            14: (1) Everything depends.
        !            15: (2) Nothing is always.
        !            16: (3) Everything is sometimes.
        !            17: %
        !            18: 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
        !            19: the law!
        !            20: %
        !            21: 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
        !            22: %
        !            23: 100 buckets of bits on the bus 
        !            24: 100 buckets of bits
        !            25: Take one down, short it to ground
        !            26: FF buckets of bits on the bus  
        !            27: 
        !            28: FF buckets of bits on the bus  
        !            29: FF buckets of bits
        !            30: Take one down, short it to ground
        !            31: FE buckets of bits on the bus  
        !            32: 
        !            33: ad infinitum...
        !            34: %
        !            35: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
        !            36: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
        !            37:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !            38: %
        !            39: 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
        !            40:        (1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
        !            41:        (2)  Dead cat brush
        !            42:        (3)  Hair barrettes
        !            43:        (4)  Cleats
        !            44:        (5)  Self-piercing earrings
        !            45:        (6)  Fungus trellis
        !            46:        (7)  False eyelashes
        !            47:        (8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        !            48:         .
        !            49:         .
        !            50:         .
        !            51:        (99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
        !            52:        (100) Killer velcro
        !            53:        (101) Currency
        !            54: %
        !            55: 186,282 miles per second:
        !            56: 
        !            57: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
        !            58: %
        !            59: 2180, U.S. History question:
        !            60:        What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
        !            61: office did he later hold?
        !            62: %
        !            63: $3,000,000
        !            64: %
        !            65: "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
        !            66: simulation!"
        !            67: %
        !            68: 43rd Law of Computing:
        !            69:        Anything that can go wr
        !            70: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
        !            71: %
        !            72: 77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
        !            73: 
        !            74: ------- (7)    This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
        !            75: --- --- (8)    boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
        !            76: ------- (7)    smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
        !            77: ---O--- (6)    on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
        !            78: ---X--- (9)    GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to
        !            79: --- --- (8)    nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
        !            80: 
        !            81: Nine in the second place means:
        !            82:        The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
        !            83: 
        !            84: Six in the third place means:
        !            85:        In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
        !            86:        Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
        !            87: %
        !            88: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
        !            89:        The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
        !            90:        Redwood Forest.
        !            91: %
        !            92: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
        !            93:        The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
        !            94:        Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
        !            95: %
        !            96: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !            97: 99 blocks of crud!
        !            98: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !            99: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
        !           100: 
        !           101: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !           102: 100 blocks of crud!
        !           103: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !           104: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
        !           105: %
        !           106: A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
        !           107: "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
        !           108:                -- Mahatma Ghandi
        !           109: %
        !           110: A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
        !           111: Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
        !           112: game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
        !           113: traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
        !           114: preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
        !           115:                -- Donald A. Metz
        !           116: %
        !           117: A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
        !           118: placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
        !           119: rolled into the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results
        !           120: from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
        !           121: and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
        !           122: ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
        !           123: phenomena.
        !           124:                -- Donald A. Metz
        !           125: %
        !           126: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
        !           127: responsibility at the other.
        !           128: %
        !           129: A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
        !           130:                -- Carl Sandburg
        !           131: %
        !           132: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
        !           133: of a divorce.
        !           134:                -- Don Quinn
        !           135: %
        !           136: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
        !           137: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
        !           138:                -- Mark Twain
        !           139: %
        !           140: A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
        !           141: adds up to be real money.
        !           142:                -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
        !           143: %
        !           144: A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
        !           145: %
        !           146: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
        !           147: %
        !           148: A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
        !           149: %
        !           150: ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
        !           151: have turned into a pile of dust.
        !           152: %
        !           153: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
        !           154: enlightened him with ours.
        !           155: %
        !           156: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
        !           157: as afterward.
        !           158: %
        !           159: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
        !           160: poor to protect them from each other.
        !           161: %
        !           162: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
        !           163: %
        !           164: A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
        !           165: mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
        !           166: trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
        !           167:                -- Dave Barry
        !           168: %
        !           169: A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
        !           170: %
        !           171: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
        !           172: Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
        !           173: %
        !           174: A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
        !           175: won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
        !           176:                -- Bill Vaughan
        !           177: %
        !           178: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
        !           179:                -- Herbert Prochnow
        !           180: %
        !           181: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
        !           182: wants to read.
        !           183:                -- Mark Twain
        !           184: %
        !           185: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
        !           186: %
        !           187: A computer, to print out a fact,
        !           188: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
        !           189:        But this output can be
        !           190:        No more than debris,
        !           191: If the input was short of exact.
        !           192:                -- Gigo
        !           193: %
        !           194: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
        !           195: %
        !           196: A CONS is an object which cares.
        !           197:                -- Bernie Greenberg.
        !           198: %
        !           199: A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
        !           200: is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
        !           201: %
        !           202: A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
        !           203:                -- Dyer
        !           204: %
        !           205: A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
        !           206: damned things is ample.
        !           207:                -- Rebecca West
        !           208: %
        !           209: A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
        !           210:                -- Ben Franklin
        !           211: %
        !           212: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
        !           213: And had an affair with a Saracen.
        !           214:        She was not oversexed,
        !           215:        Or jealous or vexed,
        !           216: She just wanted to make a comparison.
        !           217: %
        !           218: A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
        !           219: lantern.
        !           220:                -- Edgar A. Shoaff
        !           221: %
        !           222: A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
        !           223: %
        !           224: A day without sunshine is like night.
        !           225: %
        !           226: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
        !           227: coat.
        !           228: %
        !           229: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
        !           230: you will look forward to the trip.
        !           231: %
        !           232:        A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
        !           233: eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
        !           234: test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
        !           235:        Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
        !           236: the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
        !           237: %
        !           238: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
        !           239: %
        !           240:        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
        !           241: about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
        !           242: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
        !           243: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
        !           244: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
        !           245: incredible surgical feat."
        !           246:        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
        !           247: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
        !           248: that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
        !           249: architect."
        !           250:        The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
        !           251: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
        !           252: %
        !           253: A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
        !           254:                -- Ogden Nash
        !           255: %
        !           256: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
        !           257: Plus three times the square root of four,
        !           258:        Divided by seven,
        !           259:        Plus five time eleven,
        !           260: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
        !           261: %
        !           262: A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
        !           263: Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
        !           264: Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
        !           265: with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
        !           266: Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor."  The Hacker then quickly
        !           267: pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
        !           268: simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
        !           269: Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
        !           270: %
        !           271: A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
        !           272: subject.
        !           273:                -- Winston Churchill
        !           274: %
        !           275: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
        !           276: %
        !           277: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
        !           278: superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
        !           279:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !           280: %
        !           281: A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
        !           282: of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
        !           283: elephant.
        !           284: %
        !           285: A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
        !           286:                -- D. Gries
        !           287: %
        !           288: "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
        !           289: dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
        !           290:                -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
        !           291: %
        !           292: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
        !           293:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !           294: %
        !           295: A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
        !           296: he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
        !           297: favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
        !           298: facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
        !           299:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !           300: %
        !           301: A general leading the State Department resembles  a dragon commanding
        !           302: ducks.
        !           303:                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
        !           304: %
        !           305: A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
        !           306: A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
        !           307: But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
        !           308:                -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
        !           309: %
        !           310: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
        !           311: of).
        !           312: %
        !           313: A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
        !           314: into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
        !           315: hope of greening the landscape of idea.
        !           316:                -- John Ciardi
        !           317: %
        !           318: A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
        !           319: rearranging their prejudices.
        !           320:                -- William James
        !           321: %
        !           322: A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
        !           323: man a century.
        !           324: %
        !           325: A hypothetical paradox:
        !           326:        What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
        !           327: team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
        !           328: Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
        !           329:                -- Tom Galloway
        !           330: %
        !           331: A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
        !           332: C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
        !           333: E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
        !           334: G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
        !           335: I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
        !           336: K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
        !           337: M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
        !           338: O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
        !           339: Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
        !           340: S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
        !           341: U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
        !           342: W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
        !           343: Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
        !           344:                -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
        !           345: %
        !           346: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
        !           347: %
        !           348: A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
        !           349: who has the better lawyer.
        !           350:                -- Robert Frost
        !           351: %
        !           352: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
        !           353: %
        !           354: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
        !           355: %
        !           356: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
        !           357: %
        !           358: A lady with one of her ears applied
        !           359: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
        !           360: Two female gossips in converse free --
        !           361: The subject engaging them was she.
        !           362: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
        !           363: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
        !           364: As soon as no more of it she could hear
        !           365: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
        !           366: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
        !           367: "To hear my character lied about!"
        !           368:                -- Gopete Sherany
        !           369: %
        !           370: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
        !           371: not worth knowing.
        !           372: %
        !           373: A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
        !           374: in than some that do.
        !           375:                -- Dennis M. Ritchie
        !           376: %
        !           377: A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
        !           378: by being declared to work.
        !           379:                -- Anatol Holt
        !           380: %
        !           381: A Law of Computer Programming:
        !           382:        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        !           383: will find the programmers cannot write in English.
        !           384: %
        !           385: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
        !           386: Into space that is quite economical.
        !           387:        But the good ones I've seen
        !           388:        So seldom are clean,
        !           389: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
        !           390: %
        !           391: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
        !           392: nothing.
        !           393: %
        !           394: A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
        !           395:                -- H. H. Munroe
        !           396: %
        !           397: A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
        !           398: %
        !           399: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any
        !           400: price.
        !           401: %
        !           402: A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
        !           403: his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
        !           404: exceptional ability in that particular field."
        !           405: %
        !           406: A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
        !           407:                -- Steve Wright
        !           408: %
        !           409: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
        !           410: believe everything positively stinks.
        !           411:                -- Lew Col
        !           412: %
        !           413:        A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
        !           414: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
        !           415:        "No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
        !           416: and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
        !           417:        "But the collar is up around my ears!"
        !           418:        "It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
        !           419: little more ... that's it."
        !           420:        "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.
        !           421:        "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
        !           422: go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
        !           423:        So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
        !           424: street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
        !           425:        "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
        !           426:        "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
        !           427:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           428: %
        !           429: A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
        !           430: 
        !           431: "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
        !           432: sense of obligation."
        !           433:                -- Stephen Crane
        !           434: %
        !           435: A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
        !           436: %
        !           437:        A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
        !           438: novices.  "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
        !           439: insignificant," said the master.
        !           440: 
        !           441:        "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
        !           442: 
        !           443:        "It is," came the reply.
        !           444: 
        !           445:        "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
        !           446: 
        !           447:        "It is even in a video game," said the master.
        !           448: 
        !           449:        "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
        !           450: 
        !           451:        The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The
        !           452: lesson is over for today," he said.
        !           453:                -- "The Tao of Programming"
        !           454: %
        !           455: A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
        !           456: %
        !           457: A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
        !           458: on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
        !           459: game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
        !           460: pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
        !           461: along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
        !           462: heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
        !           463: around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
        !           464: direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
        !           465: paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
        !           466: colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
        !           467: fall over gently onto their backs.
        !           468:                -- Audobon Society Magazine
        !           469: %
        !           470:        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
        !           471: the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
        !           472: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
        !           473: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
        !           474:        "If what?"  asked the composer.
        !           475:        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
        !           476: %
        !           477: A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out
        !           478: on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed
        !           479: loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom
        !           480: do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
        !           481: %
        !           482: A new dramatist of the absurd
        !           483: Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
        !           484:        I learn from my spies
        !           485:        He's about to devise
        !           486: An unprintable three-letter word.
        !           487: %
        !           488: A new koan:
        !           489: 
        !           490:        If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
        !           491: 
        !           492:        If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
        !           493: 
        !           494: It is an ice cream koan.
        !           495: %
        !           496: A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
        !           497: Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
        !           498: has no excuse for further procrastination.
        !           499: %
        !           500: A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
        !           501: insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
        !           502: right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
        !           503: %
        !           504: A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
        !           505: rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
        !           506: %
        !           507:        A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
        !           508: removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
        !           509: doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
        !           510: amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
        !           511: limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
        !           512: larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
        !           513: power-down sequence.
        !           514:        An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
        !           515: building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
        !           516: bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
        !           517: cool.
        !           518: %
        !           519: A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
        !           520: off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
        !           521: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
        !           522: understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
        !           523: and on.  The machine worked.
        !           524: %
        !           525: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
        !           526: %
        !           527: A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
        !           528:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !           529: %
        !           530: A penny saved is ridiculous.
        !           531: %
        !           532: A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
        !           533: %
        !           534: A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
        !           535:                -- George Wald
        !           536: %
        !           537: A pig is a jolly companion,
        !           538: Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
        !           539: A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
        !           540: Though mountains may topple and tilt.
        !           541: When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
        !           542: When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
        !           543: Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
        !           544: You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
        !           545: You'll never go wrong with a pig!
        !           546:                -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
        !           547: %
        !           548:         A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
        !           549:                          by Mark Twain
        !           550: 
        !           551:        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
        !           552: to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
        !           553: be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
        !           554: would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
        !           555: might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
        !           556: same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
        !           557: "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        !           558:        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
        !           559: with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
        !           560: or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
        !           561: Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
        !           562: ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
        !           563: ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        !           564:        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
        !           565: hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
        !           566: %
        !           567: "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
        !           568:                -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
        !           569: %
        !           570: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
        !           571: 
        !           572: And he answered:
        !           573: 
        !           574: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
        !           575: 
        !           576: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
        !           577: 
        !           578: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
        !           579: upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
        !           580: to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
        !           581: 
        !           582: And that is Fate?  said the priest.
        !           583: 
        !           584: Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
        !           585: 
        !           586: That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was
        !           587: too.
        !           588:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !           589: %
        !           590:        A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
        !           591: upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
        !           592: "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
        !           593: man".
        !           594:        As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
        !           595: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
        !           596: %
        !           597: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
        !           598: %
        !           599: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
        !           600: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
        !           601: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
        !           602: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
        !           603: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
        !           604: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
        !           605: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
        !           606: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
        !           607: information in the first place."
        !           608:                -- IEEE Grid news magazine
        !           609: %
        !           610: A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
        !           611: your wife will give you for free.
        !           612: %
        !           613: A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
        !           614: too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
        !           615: was intended for her preservation.
        !           616:                -- Colton
        !           617: %
        !           618: A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
        !           619: "you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
        !           620: the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
        !           621: to make a travesty of the game.
        !           622:                -- Donald A. Metz
        !           623: %
        !           624: "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
        !           625: out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
        !           626:                -- Steel City News
        !           627: %
        !           628: "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
        !           629: %
        !           630: A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
        !           631: 
        !           632: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
        !           633: "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
        !           634: bits, in thy mercy."  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
        !           635: lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
        !           636: breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
        !           637: Holy Pin.  Then thou must count to three.  Three shall be the number of
        !           638: the counting and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt
        !           639: thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
        !           640: proceedeth to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number three, being
        !           641: the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
        !           642: Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
        !           643: shall snuff it."
        !           644:                -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
        !           645: %
        !           646: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
        !           647: that the system works.
        !           648: %
        !           649: A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
        !           650: the real reason.
        !           651: %
        !           652: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
        !           653: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
        !           654: scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
        !           655: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
        !           656: dimensional objects ...
        !           657: %
        !           658: A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
        !           659: not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
        !           660: rosewater.
        !           661: %
        !           662: A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
        !           663: contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
        !           664:                -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
        !           665: %
        !           666: A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
        !           667: keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
        !           668: that are worth committing.
        !           669:                -- Samuel Butler
        !           670: %
        !           671:                A Severe Strain on the Credulity
        !           672: 
        !           673: As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
        !           674: parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
        !           675: is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
        !           676: considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
        !           677: begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
        !           678: starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
        !           679: maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
        !           680: Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
        !           681: of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
        !           682: re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
        !           683: against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
        !           684: knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
        !           685:                -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
        !           686: %
        !           687: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
        !           688:                -- Prof. Steiner
        !           689: %
        !           690: ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
        !           691: was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
        !           692:                -- Mark Twain
        !           693: %
        !           694: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
        !           695:                -- O'Henry
        !           696: %
        !           697: A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
        !           698: bad measures.
        !           699:                -- Daniel Webster
        !           700: %
        !           701: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
        !           702: exam.
        !           703: %
        !           704: A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
        !           705: Greenblatt.  As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it
        !           706: true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
        !           707: Lisp?"  Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
        !           708: shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
        !           709: %
        !           710: A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
        !           711: undreamed of by its author.
        !           712:                -- S. C. Johnson
        !           713: %
        !           714: A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
        !           715: %
        !           716: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
        !           717: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
        !           718:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           719: %
        !           720: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
        !           721: blowing first.
        !           722: %
        !           723: A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
        !           724: triangle.
        !           725: %
        !           726: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
        !           727: %
        !           728: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
        !           729: in students.
        !           730:                -- John Ciardi
        !           731: %
        !           732: "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
        !           733:        -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
        !           734: %
        !           735: A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
        !           736: Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
        !           737:        She found a good way
        !           738:        To combine work and play:
        !           739: She sells C shells by the seashore.
        !           740: %
        !           741: A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
        !           742: replaces it with.
        !           743:                -- Tennessee Williams
        !           744: %
        !           745: A very intelligent turtle
        !           746: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
        !           747:        The system, you see,
        !           748:        Ran as slow as did he,
        !           749: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
        !           750: %
        !           751: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
        !           752: getting nervous.
        !           753: %
        !           754: A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
        !           755: people's attention.
        !           756: %
        !           757: "A witty saying proves nothing."
        !           758:                -- Voltaire
        !           759: %
        !           760: "A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
        !           761: admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact
        !           762: remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
        !           763: reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It
        !           764: is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
        !           765: using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these
        !           766: matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
        !           767:                -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
        !           768: %
        !           769: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
        !           770: in God.
        !           771: %
        !           772: A.A.A.A.A.:
        !           773:        An organization for drunks who drive
        !           774: %
        !           775: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
        !           776: You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
        !           777: %
        !           778: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
        !           779: %
        !           780: "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
        !           781: ends."
        !           782:                -- Herbert Hoover
        !           783: %
        !           784: Absence makes the heart go wander.
        !           785: %
        !           786: Absent, adj.:
        !           787:        Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
        !           788: slandered.
        !           789: %
        !           790: Absentee, n.:
        !           791:        A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
        !           792: himself from the sphere of exaction.
        !           793:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           794: %
        !           795: Abstainer, n.:
        !           796:        A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
        !           797: pleasure.
        !           798:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           799: %
        !           800: Absurdity, n.:
        !           801:        A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
        !           802: opinion.
        !           803:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           804: %
        !           805: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
        !           806: because the stakes are so low.
        !           807:                -- Wallace Sayre
        !           808: %
        !           809: Accident, n.:
        !           810:        A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
        !           811: body is better.
        !           812: %
        !           813: Accidents cause History.
        !           814: 
        !           815: If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
        !           816: Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
        !           817: have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
        !           818: could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
        !           819: the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
        !           820:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !           821: %
        !           822: According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
        !           823: shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
        !           824: fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
        !           825: of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
        !           826: the returns."
        !           827: %
        !           828: According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
        !           829: once a year.
        !           830: %
        !           831: According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
        !           832:                -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
        !           833: %
        !           834: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
        !           835: totally worthless.
        !           836: %
        !           837: According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
        !           838: dies.
        !           839: %
        !           840: "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
        !           841: live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
        !           842: in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
        !           843: Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
        !           844:                -- David Letterman
        !           845: %
        !           846: Accordion, n.:
        !           847:        A bagpipe with pleats.
        !           848: %
        !           849: Accuracy, n.:
        !           850:        The vice of being right
        !           851: %
        !           852:                        ACHTUNG!!!
        !           853: 
        !           854: Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
        !           855: schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
        !           856: spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
        !           857: rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
        !           858: vatch das blinkenlights!!!
        !           859: %
        !           860: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
        !           861: %
        !           862: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
        !           863: %
        !           864: Acquaintance, n.:
        !           865:        A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
        !           866: enough to lend to.
        !           867:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           868: %
        !           869: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
        !           870: coughing."
        !           871: %
        !           872: Actor: "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
        !           873:        everyone glued in their seats!"
        !           874: Oliver Herford:        "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
        !           875:        it!"
        !           876: %
        !           877: Actor: So what do you do for a living?
        !           878: Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
        !           879:        dishes for Chinese restaurants.
        !           880:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !           881: %
        !           882: Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
        !           883: %
        !           884: ADA, n.:
        !           885:        Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
        !           886: Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
        !           887: awareness."
        !           888: %
        !           889: Admiration, n.:
        !           890:        Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
        !           891:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           892: %
        !           893: Adolescence, n.:
        !           894:        The stage between puberty and adultery.
        !           895: %
        !           896: "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
        !           897: like you ..."
        !           898:                -- Gilda Radner
        !           899: %
        !           900: Adore, v.:
        !           901:        To venerate expectantly.
        !           902:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           903: %
        !           904: Adult, n.:
        !           905:        One old enough to know better.
        !           906: %
        !           907: Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
        !           908: way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
        !           909:                -- Sinclair Lewis
        !           910: %
        !           911: Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
        !           912: then at least be asceptic.
        !           913: %
        !           914: After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
        !           915: names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
        !           916: Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
        !           917: many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
        !           918: Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
        !           919: different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
        !           920: developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
        !           921: attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
        !           922: to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
        !           923: skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
        !           924: injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
        !           925: hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
        !           926: that it sinks like a stone.
        !           927:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !           928: %
        !           929: After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
        !           930: It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
        !           931: more advanced than the lichen family.
        !           932:                -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
        !           933:                   Do"
        !           934: %
        !           935: After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
        !           936: %
        !           937: "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
        !           938: quotations."
        !           939:                -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
        !           940: %
        !           941: After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
        !           942: for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
        !           943: simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
        !           944:                -- P. J. O'Rourke
        !           945: %
        !           946: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
        !           947: on the bench.
        !           948: %
        !           949:        After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
        !           950: Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
        !           951: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
        !           952: to be created."
        !           953:        "This is true," He replied.
        !           954:        "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
        !           955:        "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
        !           956: right to make his laws?"
        !           957:        "Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
        !           958: make his own."
        !           959:        It was so granted.
        !           960:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           961: %
        !           962: "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
        !           963: the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
        !           964: cost to others, to win advancement."
        !           965:                -- Norman Thomas
        !           966: %
        !           967: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
        !           968: %
        !           969: After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
        !           970: everything.  Just in case.
        !           971: %
        !           972: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
        !           973: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
        !           974: removed.
        !           975: %
        !           976: Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
        !           977: change.
        !           978: %
        !           979: Afternoon, n.:
        !           980:        That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
        !           981: morning.
        !           982: %
        !           983: Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
        !           984:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           985: %
        !           986: Age, n.:
        !           987:        That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
        !           988: still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
        !           989: to commit.
        !           990:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !           991: %
        !           992: Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
        !           993: %
        !           994: Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 
        !           995: there's the rub.
        !           996: 
        !           997: For all dreams are not equal,
        !           998: some exit to nightmare
        !           999: most end with the dreamer
        !          1000: 
        !          1001: But at least one must be lived ... and died.
        !          1002: %
        !          1003: "Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
        !          1004: Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
        !          1005: that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
        !          1006: unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
        !          1007: up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
        !          1008:                -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
        !          1009: %
        !          1010: Air is water with holes in it
        !          1011: %
        !          1012: Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
        !          1013:                -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
        !          1014: %
        !          1015: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
        !          1016: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
        !          1017: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
        !          1018: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
        !          1019: receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
        !          1020: %
        !          1021: Alden's Laws:
        !          1022:        (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
        !          1023:            of pregnancy.
        !          1024:        (2) Always be backlit.
        !          1025:        (3) Sit down whenever possible.
        !          1026: %
        !          1027: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
        !          1028: Aleph-null bottles of beer,
        !          1029:        You take one down, and pass it around,
        !          1030: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
        !          1031: %
        !          1032: Alex Haley was adopted!
        !          1033: %
        !          1034: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
        !          1035: for a dial tone.
        !          1036: %
        !          1037: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
        !          1038: them keeps paying for it.
        !          1039:                -- Peggy Joyce
        !          1040: %
        !          1041: All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
        !          1042: upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
        !          1043: visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
        !          1044: informing, stimulating and ennobling.
        !          1045:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          1046: %
        !          1047: All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
        !          1048: than others.
        !          1049:                -- Alan Truscott
        !          1050: %
        !          1051: All extremists should be taken out and shot.
        !          1052: %
        !          1053: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
        !          1054: without thinking.
        !          1055: %
        !          1056: "All flesh is grass"
        !          1057:                -- Isiah
        !          1058: Smoke a friend today.
        !          1059: %
        !          1060: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
        !          1061: %
        !          1062: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
        !          1063: importance.
        !          1064: %
        !          1065: All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
        !          1066: by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
        !          1067: %
        !          1068: All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
        !          1069:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          1070: %
        !          1071: All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
        !          1072: Socrates.
        !          1073:                -- Woody Allen
        !          1074: %
        !          1075: "All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
        !          1076: sane."
        !          1077: %
        !          1078: "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
        !          1079: specific."
        !          1080:                -- Jane Wagner
        !          1081: %
        !          1082: All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
        !          1083:                -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
        !          1084: %
        !          1085: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
        !          1086: the United States.
        !          1087:                -- Vic Gold
        !          1088: %
        !          1089: All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
        !          1090: %
        !          1091: All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
        !          1092: %
        !          1093: All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
        !          1094: every organism to live beyond its income.
        !          1095:                -- Samuel Butler
        !          1096: %
        !          1097: All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
        !          1098:                -- E. Rutherford
        !          1099: %
        !          1100: "All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
        !          1101: hands."
        !          1102:                -- Saint Patrick
        !          1103: %
        !          1104: All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
        !          1105: %
        !          1106: All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
        !          1107: too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
        !          1108: subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
        !          1109: can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
        !          1110: Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
        !          1111: decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
        !          1112: if it rains?"
        !          1113:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          1114: %
        !          1115: "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
        !          1116:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1117: %
        !          1118: All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
        !          1119: ridiculous ones.
        !          1120:                -- La Rochefoucauld
        !          1121: %
        !          1122: All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
        !          1123: the government in less than a second.
        !          1124:                -- Jim Fiebig
        !          1125: %
        !          1126: All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
        !          1127:                -- Sean O'Casey
        !          1128: %
        !          1129: All the world's a VAX,
        !          1130: And all the coders merely butchers;
        !          1131: They have their exits and their entrails;
        !          1132: And one int in his time plays many widths,
        !          1133: His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant,
        !          1134: Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
        !          1135: And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
        !          1136: And shining morning face, creeping like slug
        !          1137: Unwillingly to school.
        !          1138:                -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
        !          1139: %
        !          1140: All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
        !          1141: and all theoretical chemists know it.
        !          1142:                -- Richard P. Feynman
        !          1143: %
        !          1144: All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
        !          1145: %
        !          1146: All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
        !          1147: fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
        !          1148: %
        !          1149: All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
        !          1150: %
        !          1151: All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
        !          1152: infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
        !          1153: which he was born.
        !          1154:                -- Francois Fenelon
        !          1155: %
        !          1156: Alliance, n.:
        !          1157:        In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
        !          1158: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
        !          1159: separately plunder a third.
        !          1160:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1161: %
        !          1162: Alone, adj.:
        !          1163:        In bad company.
        !          1164:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1165: %
        !          1166: Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
        !          1167: Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
        !          1168:                -- Dave Barry
        !          1169: %
        !          1170: Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
        !          1171: %
        !          1172: Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
        !          1173: mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
        !          1174: any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
        !          1175: to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
        !          1176: Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
        !          1177: serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
        !          1178: same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
        !          1179: that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
        !          1180: penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
        !          1181: running the post office.
        !          1182:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          1183: %
        !          1184: Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
        !          1185: reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
        !          1186: day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
        !          1187: interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
        !          1188: pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
        !          1189: and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
        !          1190: Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
        !          1191: material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
        !          1192: management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
        !          1193: the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
        !          1194: Gamekeeping."
        !          1195:                -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
        !          1196: %
        !          1197: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
        !          1198: back.
        !          1199: %
        !          1200: Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
        !          1201: %
        !          1202: "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
        !          1203: that way."
        !          1204: %
        !          1205: Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
        !          1206: %
        !          1207:                AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
        !          1208: 
        !          1209: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
        !          1210: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
        !          1211: %
        !          1212:                AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
        !          1213: 
        !          1214: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
        !          1215: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
        !          1216: %
        !          1217: Ambidextrous, adj.:
        !          1218:        Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
        !          1219:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1220: %
        !          1221: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
        !          1222:                -- Charlie McCarthy
        !          1223: %
        !          1224: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
        !          1225: to decadence without touching civilization.
        !          1226:                -- John O'Hara
        !          1227: %
        !          1228: America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
        !          1229: until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
        !          1230: changed its name to "America".
        !          1231:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          1232: %
        !          1233: American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
        !          1234: employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
        !          1235: employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
        !          1236: between the men's room and the women's room without having little
        !          1237: pictures on the doors.
        !          1238:                -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
        !          1239: %
        !          1240: "Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
        !          1241: %
        !          1242: An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
        !          1243: people refuse to see it.
        !          1244:                -- James Michener, "Space"
        !          1245: %
        !          1246: An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
        !          1247: is always polite to traffic cops.
        !          1248: %
        !          1249: "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
        !          1250: New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
        !          1251: not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
        !          1252:                -- David Letterman
        !          1253: %
        !          1254: An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
        !          1255: %
        !          1256:        An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
        !          1257: knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
        !          1258: great restraint.
        !          1259:        As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
        !          1260: embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away
        !          1261: to be used "next time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished,
        !          1262: and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
        !          1263: that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
        !          1264:        This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
        !          1265: When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
        !          1266: confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
        !          1267: and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
        !          1268: are particular and not generalizable.
        !          1269:        The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
        !          1270: all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
        !          1271: one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
        !          1272:                -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
        !          1273: %
        !          1274: An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
        !          1275: %
        !          1276: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
        !          1277: murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
        !          1278: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
        !          1279: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
        !          1280: suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
        !          1281: murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
        !          1282: %
        !          1283: An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
        !          1284: really care to know.
        !          1285: %
        !          1286: An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
        !          1287: %
        !          1288: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
        !          1289: %
        !          1290: An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
        !          1291: summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
        !          1292: arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey
        !          1293: responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
        !          1294: %
        !          1295: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
        !          1296:                -- A. P. Herbert
        !          1297: %
        !          1298: An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He
        !          1299: wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
        !          1300: advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
        !          1301: Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
        !          1302: incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
        !          1303: excellence:
        !          1304: 
        !          1305: "The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
        !          1306: discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
        !          1307: to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
        !          1308: things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
        !          1309: parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
        !          1310: timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
        !          1311: doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
        !          1312: Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
        !          1313: school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
        !          1314: successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
        !          1315: they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
        !          1316:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !          1317: %
        !          1318: An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
        !          1319: %
        !          1320: "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
        !          1321: picturesque liar."
        !          1322:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1323: %
        !          1324: An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these
        !          1325: eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
        !          1326: possible.
        !          1327:                -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
        !          1328: %
        !          1329: An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
        !          1330: %
        !          1331:        An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
        !          1332: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
        !          1333:        "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
        !          1334: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
        !          1335: an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
        !          1336: hour seems like a minute."
        !          1337:        The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
        !          1338: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
        !          1339:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          1340: %
        !          1341: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
        !          1342: %
        !          1343: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
        !          1344: government at all.
        !          1345: %
        !          1346: And as we stand on the edge of darkness
        !          1347: Let our chant fill the void
        !          1348: That others may know
        !          1349: 
        !          1350:        In the land of the night
        !          1351:        The ship of the sun
        !          1352:        Is drawn by
        !          1353:        The grateful dead.
        !          1354: 
        !          1355:                -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
        !          1356: %
        !          1357: ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
        !          1358: %
        !          1359: And I heard Jeff exclaim,
        !          1360: As they strolled out of sight,
        !          1361: "Merry Christmas to all --
        !          1362: You take credit cards, right?"
        !          1363:                -- "Outsiders" comic
        !          1364: %
        !          1365: ... And malt does more than Milton can
        !          1366: To justify God's ways to man
        !          1367:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          1368: %
        !          1369: And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
        !          1370: %
        !          1371: "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
        !          1372: your own."
        !          1373:                -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
        !          1374:                   Preposterous Words
        !          1375: %
        !          1376: And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
        !          1377: fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
        !          1378: looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One
        !          1379: approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
        !          1380: is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
        !          1381: of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
        !          1382: gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode.  So this
        !          1383: procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
        !          1384: youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
        !          1385: Orson Welles.
        !          1386:                -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
        !          1387: %
        !          1388: "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
        !          1389: courtesy detail."
        !          1390: %
        !          1391: And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
        !          1392: horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
        !          1393: columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
        !          1394: ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
        !          1395: world.
        !          1396:                -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
        !          1397: %
        !          1398:        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
        !          1399: asked the father of his little son.
        !          1400:        "Diet."
        !          1401: %
        !          1402: And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
        !          1403: a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
        !          1404: tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
        !          1405: tragedy face to face, we have politics.
        !          1406:                -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
        !          1407:                   Ground Cover"
        !          1408: %
        !          1409: Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
        !          1410: Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
        !          1411:                -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
        !          1412: %
        !          1413: Angels we have heard on High
        !          1414: Tell us to go out and Buy.
        !          1415:                -- Tom Lehrer
        !          1416: %
        !          1417: Ankh if you love Isis.
        !          1418: %
        !          1419: Anoint, v.:
        !          1420:        To grease a king or other great functionary already
        !          1421: sufficiently slippery.
        !          1422:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1423: %
        !          1424:                Another Glitch in the Call
        !          1425:                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        !          1426:        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
        !          1427: 
        !          1428: We don't need no indirection
        !          1429: We don't need no flow control
        !          1430: No data typing or declarations
        !          1431: Did you leave the lists alone?
        !          1432: 
        !          1433:        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
        !          1434: 
        !          1435: Chorus:
        !          1436:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !          1437:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !          1438: %
        !          1439: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          1440: %
        !          1441: Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
        !          1442: television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
        !          1443: and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
        !          1444: offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
        !          1445:                -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
        !          1446:                   Do"
        !          1447: %
        !          1448:                Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
        !          1449: 
        !          1450: (1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
        !          1451: (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
        !          1452: (3) I don't know.
        !          1453: (4) Who cares?
        !          1454: (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
        !          1455:     Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
        !          1456: (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
        !          1457:     book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
        !          1458:     bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
        !          1459:     Papyrus Books).
        !          1460: %
        !          1461: Anthony's Law of Force:
        !          1462:        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
        !          1463: %
        !          1464: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        !          1465:        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        !          1466:        corner of the workshop.
        !          1467: 
        !          1468: Corollary:
        !          1469:        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        !          1470:        your toes.
        !          1471: %
        !          1472: Antonym, n.:
        !          1473:        The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
        !          1474: %
        !          1475: Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
        !          1476:                -- Charles McCabe
        !          1477: %
        !          1478: Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
        !          1479:                -- Charles McCabe
        !          1480: %
        !          1481: Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
        !          1482: representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
        !          1483: representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
        !          1484: capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
        !          1485:                -- Richard Schickel
        !          1486: %
        !          1487: Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
        !          1488:                -- Aesop
        !          1489: %
        !          1490: Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
        !          1491: this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
        !          1492: whole week.
        !          1493: %
        !          1494: Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
        !          1495: sell it.
        !          1496: %
        !          1497: Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
        !          1498: -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance,
        !          1499: my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
        !          1500: the fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
        !          1501: undoubtedly true.
        !          1502:                -- Solomon Short
        !          1503: %
        !          1504: Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
        !          1505:                -- Sydney J. Harris
        !          1506: %
        !          1507: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
        !          1508: object.
        !          1509: %
        !          1510: Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
        !          1511: exactly the point of most pressure.
        !          1512:                -- Milt Barber
        !          1513: %
        !          1514: Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
        !          1515:                -- Rich Kulawiec
        !          1516: %
        !          1517: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
        !          1518: demo.
        !          1519: %
        !          1520: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
        !          1521:                -- Arthur C. Clarke
        !          1522: %
        !          1523: Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
        !          1524: something.
        !          1525: %
        !          1526: Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
        !          1527:                -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
        !          1528: %
        !          1529: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
        !          1530: %
        !          1531: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
        !          1532: probably parked.
        !          1533: %
        !          1534: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
        !          1535: %
        !          1536: Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
        !          1537: supposed to be doing at the moment.
        !          1538:                -- Robert Benchley
        !          1539: %
        !          1540: Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
        !          1541:                -- Publilius Syrus
        !          1542: %
        !          1543: Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
        !          1544: none.
        !          1545: %
        !          1546: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
        !          1547: is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
        !          1548: make messes in the house.
        !          1549:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          1550: %
        !          1551: Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
        !          1552:                -- Samuel Goldwyn
        !          1553: %
        !          1554: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
        !          1555:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          1556: %
        !          1557: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
        !          1558: account be allowed to do the job.
        !          1559:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          1560: %
        !          1561: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
        !          1562: tried taking candy from a baby.
        !          1563:                -- Robin Hood
        !          1564: %
        !          1565: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
        !          1566: %
        !          1567: Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
        !          1568: %
        !          1569: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
        !          1570: %
        !          1571: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
        !          1572: price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
        !          1573: means the price went way up.
        !          1574: %
        !          1575: Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
        !          1576: %
        !          1577: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
        !          1578: %
        !          1579: "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
        !          1580: %
        !          1581: Aphorism, n.:
        !          1582:        A concise, clever statement.
        !          1583: Afterism, n.:
        !          1584:        A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
        !          1585:                -- James Alexander Thom
        !          1586: %
        !          1587: APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of
        !          1588: the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
        !          1589: coding bums.
        !          1590: %
        !          1591: "APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I
        !          1592: can't read any of them."
        !          1593:                -- Roy Keir
        !          1594: %
        !          1595: Aquadextrous, adj.:
        !          1596:        Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
        !          1597: with your toes.
        !          1598:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          1599: %
        !          1600: AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
        !          1601:        You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
        !          1602:        You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
        !          1603:        be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
        !          1604:        mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.
        !          1605: %
        !          1606: Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
        !          1607:        Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
        !          1608: general can be said."
        !          1609: %
        !          1610: ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
        !          1611:     FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
        !          1612: %
        !          1613: Are you a turtle?
        !          1614: %
        !          1615: Are you a turtle?
        !          1616: %
        !          1617: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
        !          1618:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          1619: %
        !          1620: ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
        !          1621:        You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
        !          1622:        are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
        !          1623:        not very nice.
        !          1624: %
        !          1625: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
        !          1626: shoes.
        !          1627:                -- Mickey Mouse
        !          1628: %
        !          1629: Armadillo:
        !          1630:        To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
        !          1631: %
        !          1632: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        !          1633:        (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        !          1634:        (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        !          1635:        (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
        !          1636:            first two laws.
        !          1637: %
        !          1638: Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
        !          1639: measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
        !          1640: imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
        !          1641:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          1642: %
        !          1643: Art is anything you can get away with.
        !          1644:                -- Marshall McLuhan.
        !          1645: %
        !          1646: Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
        !          1647:                -- Paul Gauguin
        !          1648: %
        !          1649: Arthur's Laws of Love:
        !          1650:        (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
        !          1651:            remind them of someone else.
        !          1652:        (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
        !          1653:            delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
        !          1654:            yourself in person.
        !          1655: %
        !          1656: Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
        !          1657: %
        !          1658: As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
        !          1659: interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick
        !          1660: perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
        !          1661: "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
        !          1662:                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
        !          1663: %
        !          1664: "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
        !          1665: certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
        !          1666: became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
        !          1667: meet girls."
        !          1668:                -- Matt Cartmill
        !          1669: %
        !          1670: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
        !          1671: certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        !          1672:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          1673: %
        !          1674: As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
        !          1675:                -- Weisert
        !          1676: %
        !          1677: As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
        !          1678:        Feeling worse and worser,
        !          1679: There I met a C.R.T.
        !          1680:        And it drop't me a cursor.
        !          1681: 
        !          1682: C.R.T., C.R.T.,
        !          1683:        Phosphors light on you!
        !          1684: If I had fifty hours a day
        !          1685:        I'd spend them all at you.
        !          1686: 
        !          1687:                -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
        !          1688: %
        !          1689: As I was passing Project MAC,
        !          1690: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
        !          1691: Every hack had seven bugs;
        !          1692: Every bug had seven manifestations;
        !          1693: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
        !          1694: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
        !          1695: How many losses at Project MAC?
        !          1696: %
        !          1697: As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
        !          1698: industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free
        !          1699: speech and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to
        !          1700: myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a
        !          1701: real American talk like that.
        !          1702:                -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
        !          1703: %
        !          1704: As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
        !          1705: %
        !          1706: As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
        !          1707: fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
        !          1708: popular.
        !          1709:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          1710: %
        !          1711: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
        !          1712: %
        !          1713: "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
        !          1714: programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
        !          1715:                -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
        !          1716:                   computer system.
        !          1717: %
        !          1718: As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
        !          1719: wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
        !          1720: to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
        !          1721: that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
        !          1722: finding mistakes in my own programs.
        !          1723:                -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
        !          1724: %
        !          1725: As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
        !          1726: so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
        !          1727:                -- Woody Allen
        !          1728: %
        !          1729: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
        !          1730: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
        !          1731:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          1732: %
        !          1733: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
        !          1734: variable."
        !          1735: %
        !          1736: As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
        !          1737: memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
        !          1738: to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
        !          1739: E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
        !          1740:                -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
        !          1741: %
        !          1742: As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
        !          1743: interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
        !          1744: Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
        !          1745: out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
        !          1746: Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
        !          1747: organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,
        !          1748: birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never
        !          1749: see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
        !          1750: stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
        !          1751: with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are
        !          1752: talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
        !          1753: highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
        !          1754:                -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
        !          1755:                   Teen Should Know"
        !          1756: %
        !          1757: As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
        !          1758: your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
        !          1759: The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
        !          1760: with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
        !          1761: from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
        !          1762: over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
        !          1763: a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
        !          1764: spider is suing you for damages.
        !          1765: %
        !          1766: As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
        !          1767: %
        !          1768: ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
        !          1769: %
        !          1770: Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
        !          1771: one went to Harvard).
        !          1772:                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
        !          1773: %
        !          1774: Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
        !          1775: %
        !          1776: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
        !          1777: Station-to-Station rate.
        !          1778: %
        !          1779: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
        !          1780: bathtub, it tolls for thee.
        !          1781: %
        !          1782: Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
        !          1783: for an answer.
        !          1784: %
        !          1785: "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
        !          1786: woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
        !          1787: she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
        !          1788:                -- David Letterman
        !          1789: %
        !          1790: Ass, n.:
        !          1791:        The masculine of "lass".
        !          1792: %
        !          1793: Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
        !          1794: Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
        !          1795: strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
        !          1796: Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
        !          1797: and dying broke.
        !          1798:                -- Stanley Walker
        !          1799: %
        !          1800: "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
        !          1801: Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
        !          1802: under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
        !          1803: %
        !          1804: At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
        !          1805: not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
        !          1806: it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
        !          1807:                -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
        !          1808: %
        !          1809: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
        !          1810: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
        !          1811:                -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
        !          1812: %
        !          1813: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
        !          1814: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
        !          1815:                -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
        !          1816: %
        !          1817: ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
        !          1818:                -- J. B. White
        !          1819: %
        !          1820: "At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
        !          1821: %
        !          1822: At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
        !          1823: thumb with a hammer.
        !          1824:                -- Marshall Lumsden
        !          1825: %
        !          1826: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
        !          1827: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
        !          1828: the computer.
        !          1829: %
        !          1830: Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
        !          1831: or street lamp.
        !          1832: %
        !          1833: Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
        !          1834:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          1835: %
        !          1836: Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
        !          1837: depths they were once able to plumb.
        !          1838:                -- Stanley Kaufman
        !          1839: %
        !          1840: Automobile, n.:
        !          1841:        A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
        !          1842: pedestrians.
        !          1843: %
        !          1844: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
        !          1845:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          1846: %
        !          1847: Avoid reality at all costs.
        !          1848: %
        !          1849: "Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
        !          1850: we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
        !          1851:                -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
        !          1852: %
        !          1853: Bacchus, n.:
        !          1854:        A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
        !          1855: getting drunk.
        !          1856:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1857: %
        !          1858: Bagbiter:
        !          1859:        1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
        !          1860: intermittently.  2. adj.:  Failing hardware or software.  "This
        !          1861: bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar."  Usage:  verges on
        !          1862: obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
        !          1863: bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
        !          1864: CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
        !          1865: %
        !          1866: Bagdikian's Observation:
        !          1867:        Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
        !          1868: newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
        !          1869: ukelele.
        !          1870: %
        !          1871: Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
        !          1872:        A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
        !          1873: by governors.
        !          1874: %
        !          1875: Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
        !          1876: %
        !          1877: Banectomy, n.:
        !          1878:        The removal of bruises on a banana.
        !          1879:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          1880: %
        !          1881: Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
        !          1882: %
        !          1883: Barach's Rule:
        !          1884:        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        !          1885: physician.
        !          1886: %
        !          1887: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
        !          1888: floor -- especially in the dark.
        !          1889: %
        !          1890: Barometer, n.:
        !          1891:        An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
        !          1892: are having.
        !          1893:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1894: %
        !          1895: Barth's Distinction:
        !          1896:        There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
        !          1897: types, and those who don't.
        !          1898: %
        !          1899: Baruch's Observation:
        !          1900:        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
        !          1901: %
        !          1902: Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high
        !          1903: taxes.
        !          1904:                -- Will Rogers
        !          1905: %
        !          1906: Basic is a high level languish.
        !          1907: APL is a high level anguish.
        !          1908: %
        !          1909: "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
        !          1910: %
        !          1911: Basic, n.:
        !          1912:        A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
        !          1913: that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
        !          1914: %
        !          1915: Bathquake, n.:
        !          1916:        The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
        !          1917: faucet is turned on to a certain point.
        !          1918:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          1919: %
        !          1920: Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
        !          1921: door.
        !          1922: %
        !          1923: BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
        !          1924: %
        !          1925: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
        !          1926: get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
        !          1927: face.
        !          1928:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          1929: %
        !          1930: Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
        !          1931: %
        !          1932: Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
        !          1933:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1934: %
        !          1935: Be different: conform.
        !          1936: %
        !          1937: Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
        !          1938: get used to it.
        !          1939: %
        !          1940: Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
        !          1941: %
        !          1942: Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
        !          1943: miss
        !          1944:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          1945: %
        !          1946: Bees are very busy souls
        !          1947: They have no time for birth controls
        !          1948: And that is why in times like these
        !          1949: There are so many Sons of Bees.
        !          1950: %
        !          1951:        Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
        !          1952: took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
        !          1953: followers.
        !          1954:        One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
        !          1955: there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
        !          1956:        "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
        !          1957: commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
        !          1958: Purpose in Life, anyway?"
        !          1959:        Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
        !          1960: Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
        !          1961:        Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
        !          1962:        Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
        !          1963:                -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
        !          1964: %
        !          1965: Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
        !          1966: ego.
        !          1967: %
        !          1968: Begathon, n.:
        !          1969:        A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
        !          1970: you won't have to watch commercials.
        !          1971: %
        !          1972: Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
        !          1973: away.
        !          1974: %
        !          1975: Beifeld's Principle:
        !          1976:        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        !          1977: receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
        !          1978: already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
        !          1979: looking and richer male friend.
        !          1980: %
        !          1981: "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!"  <huff, huff>
        !          1982: %
        !          1983: "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
        !          1984: %
        !          1985: Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
        !          1986: %
        !          1987: Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
        !          1988:        (1) Houses are for people to live in.
        !          1989:        (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
        !          1990:        (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
        !          1991: %
        !          1992: "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
        !          1993:                -- Time Bandits
        !          1994: %
        !          1995: Besides the device, the box should contain:
        !          1996: 
        !          1997: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
        !          1998: 
        !          1999: * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
        !          2000:   club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
        !          2001: 
        !          2002: YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
        !          2003: cable.
        !          2004: 
        !          2005: IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
        !          2006: spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
        !          2007: that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
        !          2008: without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
        !          2009: why."
        !          2010: 
        !          2011: WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
        !          2012:                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
        !          2013: %
        !          2014: Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
        !          2015: %
        !          2016: better !pout !cry
        !          2017: better watchout
        !          2018: lpr why
        !          2019: santa claus <north pole >town
        !          2020: 
        !          2021: cat /etc/passwd >list
        !          2022: ncheck list 
        !          2023: ncheck list
        !          2024: cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
        !          2025: cat list | grep nice >giftlist
        !          2026: santa claus <north pole > town
        !          2027: 
        !          2028: who | grep sleeping
        !          2029: who | grep awake
        !          2030: who | egrep 'bad|good'
        !          2031: for (goodness sake) {
        !          2032:        be good
        !          2033: }
        !          2034: %
        !          2035: Better dead than mellow.
        !          2036: %
        !          2037: Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
        !          2038: Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
        !          2039: Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
        !          2040: great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
        !          2041: 
        !          2042: It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
        !          2043: Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
        !          2044: equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
        !          2045: destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
        !          2046: both Parliament and Party.
        !          2047: 
        !          2048: It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
        !          2049: planets, this may be the first message received from us.
        !          2050:                -- The Realist, November, 1964.
        !          2051: %
        !          2052: "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
        !          2053: tried it."
        !          2054:                -- Donald Knuth
        !          2055: %
        !          2056: Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
        !          2057: %
        !          2058: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
        !          2059: %
        !          2060: Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
        !          2061:                -- Leonard Brandwein
        !          2062: %
        !          2063: Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
        !          2064: drip under pressure.
        !          2065: %
        !          2066: "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
        !          2067: finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
        !          2068: murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
        !          2069: their ignorance the hard way."
        !          2070:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
        !          2071: %
        !          2072: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
        !          2073: nothing of interest is easy.
        !          2074: %
        !          2075: Binary, adj.:
        !          2076:        Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
        !          2077: %
        !          2078: "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
        !          2079: thing as division."
        !          2080: %
        !          2081: Bipolar, adj.:
        !          2082:        Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
        !          2083: New York
        !          2084: %
        !          2085: Birth, n.:
        !          2086:        The first and direst of all disasters.
        !          2087:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2088: %
        !          2089: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
        !          2090: %
        !          2091: Bizoos, n.:
        !          2092:        The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
        !          2093: basketball.
        !          2094:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          2095: %
        !          2096: ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
        !          2097: %
        !          2098: Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
        !          2099: %
        !          2100: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
        !          2101: Wheels.
        !          2102: %
        !          2103: BLISS is ignorance
        !          2104: %
        !          2105: Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
        !          2106: %
        !          2107: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
        !          2108: %
        !          2109: Blore's Razor:
        !          2110:        Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
        !          2111: funnier.
        !          2112: %
        !          2113: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
        !          2114: plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
        !          2115: it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
        !          2116: arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
        !          2117: throwing up on them.
        !          2118: %
        !          2119: Boling's postulate:
        !          2120:        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
        !          2121: %
        !          2122: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        !          2123:        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        !          2124: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
        !          2125: %
        !          2126: Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
        !          2127:        Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
        !          2128: %
        !          2129: BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
        !          2130: %
        !          2131: Boob's Law:
        !          2132:        You always find something in the last place you look.
        !          2133: %
        !          2134: Bore, n.:
        !          2135:        A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
        !          2136:                -- Walter Winchell
        !          2137: %
        !          2138: Bore, n.:
        !          2139:        A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
        !          2140:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2141: %
        !          2142: Boren's Laws:
        !          2143:        (1) When in charge, ponder.
        !          2144:        (2) When in trouble, delegate.
        !          2145:        (3) When in doubt, mumble.
        !          2146: %
        !          2147: Boss, n.:
        !          2148:        According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
        !          2149: the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
        !          2150: in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
        !          2151: ornamental stud."
        !          2152: %
        !          2153: Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry
        !          2154: that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
        !          2155: straightened out for a crowbar.
        !          2156:                -- O. W. Holmes
        !          2157: %
        !          2158: Boston, n.:
        !          2159:        Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
        !          2160: finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
        !          2161: %
        !          2162: "Boy, life takes a long time to live
        !          2163:                -- Steven Wright
        !          2164: %
        !          2165: Boy, n.:
        !          2166:        A noise with dirt on it.
        !          2167: %
        !          2168: Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
        !          2169: when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
        !          2170:                -- James Thurber
        !          2171: %
        !          2172: Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
        !          2173:                -- Kin Hubbard
        !          2174: %
        !          2175: Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the
        !          2176: unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
        !          2177: (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend
        !          2178: to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
        !          2179:                -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
        !          2180:                   Style"
        !          2181: %
        !          2182: Bradley's Bromide:
        !          2183:        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        !          2184: committee -- that will do them in.
        !          2185: %
        !          2186: Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        !          2187:        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        !          2188: easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
        !          2189: handled this?"
        !          2190: %
        !          2191: Brain fried -- Core dumped
        !          2192: %
        !          2193: Brain, n.:
        !          2194:        The apparatus with which we think that we think.
        !          2195:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2196: %
        !          2197: Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
        !          2198:        To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
        !          2199: error in an opponent.
        !          2200:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2201: %
        !          2202: Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
        !          2203: since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
        !          2204:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2205: %
        !          2206: Bride, n.:
        !          2207:        A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
        !          2208:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2209: %
        !          2210: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
        !          2211: revitalize the corner saloon.
        !          2212: %
        !          2213: British Israelites:
        !          2214:        The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
        !          2215: Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
        !          2216: Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
        !          2217: believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
        !          2218: Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
        !          2219: the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
        !          2220: head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
        !          2221:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2222: %
        !          2223: Broad-mindedness, n.:
        !          2224:        The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
        !          2225: %
        !          2226: Brontosaurus Principle:
        !          2227:        Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
        !          2228: in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
        !          2229: this occurs, they are an endangered species.
        !          2230:                -- Thomas K. Connellan
        !          2231: %
        !          2232: Brook's Law:
        !          2233:        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
        !          2234: %
        !          2235: Brooke's Law:
        !          2236:        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        !          2237: discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
        !          2238: beyond recognition.
        !          2239: %
        !          2240: Bubble Memory, n.:
        !          2241:        A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
        !          2242: intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
        !          2243: %
        !          2244: Bucy's Law:
        !          2245:        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
        !          2246: %
        !          2247: Bug, n.:
        !          2248:        An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
        !          2249: programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
        !          2250: wrote the program.
        !          2251: 
        !          2252: Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
        !          2253:                -- Ray Simard
        !          2254: %
        !          2255: Bugs, pl. n.:
        !          2256:        Small living things that small living boys throw on small
        !          2257: living girls.
        !          2258: %
        !          2259: BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
        !          2260:            outfit."
        !          2261: GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
        !          2262: BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
        !          2263:                -- Jay Ward
        !          2264: %
        !          2265: Bumper sticker:
        !          2266: 
        !          2267: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
        !          2268: manufacture"
        !          2269: %
        !          2270: Bureaucrat, n.:
        !          2271:        A person who cuts red tape sideways.
        !          2272:                -- J. McCabe
        !          2273: %
        !          2274: Bureaucrat, n.:
        !          2275:        A politician who has tenure.
        !          2276: %
        !          2277: Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
        !          2278: %
        !          2279: Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
        !          2280:        (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
        !          2281:            sawhorse.
        !          2282:        (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
        !          2283:        (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
        !          2284:            perfectly balanced.
        !          2285:        (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
        !          2286:                -- Robert Burns
        !          2287: %
        !          2288:        ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
        !          2289: those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
        !          2290: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
        !          2291:        Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
        !          2292: they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
        !          2293: people go to the front of the bus."
        !          2294:        But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
        !          2295: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
        !          2296: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
        !          2297: unto a snowball in Hell."
        !          2298:                -- "The Begatting of a President"
        !          2299: %
        !          2300: ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
        !          2301: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
        !          2302: and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
        !          2303: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
        !          2304: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
        !          2305: on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
        !          2306: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
        !          2307: sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
        !          2308: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
        !          2309:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2310: %
        !          2311: "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
        !          2312: paws."
        !          2313: %
        !          2314: "But I don't like Spam!!!!"
        !          2315: %
        !          2316: ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
        !          2317: intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
        !          2318: we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
        !          2319: that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
        !          2320: of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
        !          2321: example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
        !          2322: makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
        !          2323: whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
        !          2324: finite or an infinite number.
        !          2325:                -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
        !          2326: %
        !          2327: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
        !          2328: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
        !          2329: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
        !          2330:                -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
        !          2331:                   Compilers"
        !          2332: %
        !          2333: "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
        !          2334: to the nearest gas station."
        !          2335: %
        !          2336: But scientists, who ought to know
        !          2337: Assure us that it must be so.
        !          2338: Oh, let us never, never doubt
        !          2339: What nobody is sure about.
        !          2340:                -- Hilaire Belloc
        !          2341: %
        !          2342: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
        !          2343: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
        !          2344: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
        !          2345:                -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
        !          2346: %
        !          2347: But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
        !          2348: was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
        !          2349: education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
        !          2350: 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
        !          2351: American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
        !          2352: invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
        !          2353: invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
        !          2354: adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
        !          2355: electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
        !          2356: electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
        !          2357: part) sends it right back to the customer again.
        !          2358: 
        !          2359: This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
        !          2360: of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
        !          2361: very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
        !          2362: In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
        !          2363: States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
        !          2364: ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
        !          2365: increases.
        !          2366:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          2367: %
        !          2368: "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
        !          2369: place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
        !          2370: Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
        !          2371: kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
        !          2372: poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
        !          2373: explained yet about the bytes?"
        !          2374: %
        !          2375: ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
        !          2376:                -- Virginia Masters
        !          2377: %
        !          2378: "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
        !          2379: computers?"
        !          2380: %
        !          2381: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
        !          2382: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
        !          2383: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
        !          2384: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
        !          2385: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
        !          2386: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
        !          2387: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
        !          2388: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
        !          2389: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
        !          2390: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
        !          2391: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
        !          2392: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
        !          2393: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
        !          2394: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
        !          2395: %
        !          2396: By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
        !          2397: completely overwhelm you.
        !          2398: %
        !          2399: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,
        !          2400: it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
        !          2401: invent. (R. Emerson)"
        !          2402:                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
        !          2403:                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
        !          2404:                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
        !          2405:                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
        !          2406: %
        !          2407: "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
        !          2408: to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
        !          2409:                -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
        !          2410: %
        !          2411: By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
        !          2412: mean.
        !          2413:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2414: %
        !          2415: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
        !          2416: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
        !          2417: fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
        !          2418: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
        !          2419: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
        !          2420: that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
        !          2421: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
        !          2422: they wanted to be.
        !          2423:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          2424: %
        !          2425: C, n.:
        !          2426:        A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
        !          2427: like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
        !          2428: anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
        !          2429: today, or it isn't.
        !          2430:                -- Ray Simard
        !          2431: %
        !          2432: Cabbage, n.:
        !          2433:        A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
        !          2434: a man's head.
        !          2435:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2436: %
        !          2437: "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
        !          2438:                -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
        !          2439: %
        !          2440: Cahn's Axiom:
        !          2441:        When all else fails, read the instructions.
        !          2442: %
        !          2443: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
        !          2444:                -- Fred Allen
        !          2445: %
        !          2446: California, n.:
        !          2447:        From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
        !          2448: Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
        !          2449: "fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
        !          2450:                -- Ed Moran
        !          2451: %
        !          2452: Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
        !          2453:                -- Indian proverb
        !          2454: %
        !          2455: "Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
        !          2456: Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
        !          2457: %
        !          2458: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
        !          2459:                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
        !          2460: %
        !          2461: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
        !          2462: Corner, Vermont."
        !          2463:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          2464: %
        !          2465: Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
        !          2466: points.
        !          2467:                -- M. M. Johnston
        !          2468: %
        !          2469: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        !          2470:        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
        !          2471: 
        !          2472: Supplement:
        !          2473:        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
        !          2474: %
        !          2475: Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
        !          2476: for postage and 30 cents for storage.
        !          2477:                -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
        !          2478:                   Post
        !          2479: %
        !          2480: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
        !          2481: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
        !          2482: A root or two, a torus and a node:
        !          2483: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
        !          2484:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2485: %
        !          2486: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
        !          2487:        You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
        !          2488: problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
        !          2489: off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
        !          2490: recipients are Cancer people.
        !          2491: %
        !          2492: Canonical, adj.:
        !          2493:        The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true
        !          2494: story:  One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
        !          2495: annoyance at the use of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a
        !          2496: point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
        !          2497: eventually it began to sink in.  Finally, in one conversation, he used
        !          2498: the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
        !          2499:        Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
        !          2500:        Stallman: "What did he say?"
        !          2501:        Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
        !          2502: %
        !          2503: CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
        !          2504:        You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
        !          2505: much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
        !          2506: importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
        !          2507: they take root and become trees.
        !          2508: %
        !          2509: Captain Penny's Law:
        !          2510:        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        !          2511: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
        !          2512: %
        !          2513: Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
        !          2514: expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
        !          2515: complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
        !          2516: planning to reduce the time it takes.
        !          2517: %
        !          2518: Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
        !          2519: trousers that don't match.
        !          2520: %
        !          2521: Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
        !          2522:        The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
        !          2523: dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
        !          2524: putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
        !          2525:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          2526: %
        !          2527: Cat, n.:
        !          2528:        Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
        !          2529: %
        !          2530: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
        !          2531:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2532: %
        !          2533: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
        !          2534: %
        !          2535: CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
        !          2536: %
        !          2537: Cecil, you're my final hope
        !          2538: Of finding out the true Straight Dope
        !          2539: For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
        !          2540: But none of my cats are at all like that.
        !          2541: This unusual animal (so it is said)
        !          2542: Is simultaneously alive and dead!
        !          2543: What I don't understand is just why he
        !          2544: Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
        !          2545: My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
        !          2546: In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
        !          2547: If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
        !          2548: And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
        !          2549: But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
        !          2550: Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
        !          2551:                -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
        !          2552:                   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
        !          2553: %
        !          2554: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
        !          2555: %
        !          2556: Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
        !          2557: center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
        !          2558: works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
        !          2559:                -- Kelvin Throop III
        !          2560: %
        !          2561: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
        !          2562: how many?
        !          2563: %
        !          2564: Cerebus:       I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
        !          2565: Jaka:          Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
        !          2566: Cerebus:       If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
        !          2567:                out of it?
        !          2568: Jaka:          Ugh!
        !          2569: Cerebus:       You don't like apricot brandy?
        !          2570:                -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
        !          2571: %
        !          2572: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
        !          2573: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
        !          2574: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
        !          2575: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
        !          2576: not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
        !          2577: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
        !          2578: others who have tried it.
        !          2579:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2580: %
        !          2581: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
        !          2582:        Did you ever try buying them without money?
        !          2583:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          2584: %
        !          2585:                        Chapter 1
        !          2586: 
        !          2587: The story so far:
        !          2588: 
        !          2589:        In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
        !          2590: of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
        !          2591: %
        !          2592: Character Density, n.:
        !          2593:        The number of very weird people in the office.
        !          2594: %
        !          2595: Checkuary, n.:
        !          2596:        The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and
        !          2597: ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
        !          2598: checks.
        !          2599: %
        !          2600: Chef, n.:
        !          2601:        Any cook who swears in French.
        !          2602: %
        !          2603: Chemicals, n.:
        !          2604:        Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
        !          2605: %
        !          2606: Chemistry is applied theology.
        !          2607:                -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
        !          2608: %
        !          2609: Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
        !          2610: %
        !          2611: Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
        !          2612:        Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
        !          2613: headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
        !          2614:                -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
        !          2615: %
        !          2616: Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
        !          2617:        The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
        !          2618: for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
        !          2619: cheerfully baste you.
        !          2620:                -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
        !          2621: %
        !          2622: Chicago, n.:
        !          2623:        Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
        !          2624: %
        !          2625: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
        !          2626: %
        !          2627: Chicken Little was right.
        !          2628: %
        !          2629: Chicken Soup, n.:
        !          2630:        An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
        !          2631: cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
        !          2632: is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
        !          2633:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          2634: %
        !          2635: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
        !          2636: effort to teach them good manners.
        !          2637: %
        !          2638: Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
        !          2639: going to catch you in next.
        !          2640:                -- Franklin P. Jones
        !          2641: %
        !          2642: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
        !          2643: And that's what parents were created for.
        !          2644:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          2645: %
        !          2646: Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
        !          2647: word what you shouldn't have said.
        !          2648: %
        !          2649: Chism's Law of Completion:
        !          2650:        The amount of time required to complete a government project is
        !          2651: precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
        !          2652: %
        !          2653: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        !          2654:        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
        !          2655: %
        !          2656: Chivalry, Schmivalry!
        !          2657:        Roger the thief has a
        !          2658:        method he uses for
        !          2659:        sneaky attacks:
        !          2660: Folks who are reading are
        !          2661:        Characteristically
        !          2662:        Always Forgetting to
        !          2663:        Guard their own bac ...
        !          2664: %
        !          2665: Christ:
        !          2666:        A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
        !          2667: %
        !          2668: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        !          2669:        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        !          2670: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
        !          2671: %
        !          2672: Cigarette, n.:
        !          2673:        A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
        !          2674: between.
        !          2675: %
        !          2676: Cinemuck, n.:
        !          2677:        The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
        !          2678: covers the floors of movie theaters.
        !          2679:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          2680: %
        !          2681: Clairvoyant, n.:
        !          2682:        A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
        !          2683: which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
        !          2684:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          2685: %
        !          2686: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
        !          2687: shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
        !          2688:                -- Phyllis Diller
        !          2689: %
        !          2690: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
        !          2691: %
        !          2692: Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
        !          2693: %
        !          2694: "Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
        !          2695: %
        !          2696: Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
        !          2697: %
        !          2698: Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
        !          2699: society.
        !          2700:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2701: %
        !          2702: COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
        !          2703: %
        !          2704: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
        !          2705: %
        !          2706: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
        !          2707: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
        !          2708:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2709: %
        !          2710: "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
        !          2711:                -- Blair Houghton
        !          2712: %
        !          2713: Coincidence, n.: 
        !          2714:        You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
        !          2715: going on.
        !          2716: %
        !          2717: Coincidences are spiritual puns.
        !          2718:                -- G. K. Chesterton
        !          2719: %
        !          2720: Cold, adj.:
        !          2721:        When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
        !          2722: %
        !          2723: Cold, adj.:
        !          2724:        When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
        !          2725: pockets.
        !          2726: %
        !          2727: Collaboration, n.:
        !          2728:        A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
        !          2729: other fellow can spell.
        !          2730: %
        !          2731: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
        !          2732: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
        !          2733: the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
        !          2734: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
        !          2735: loss to humanity.
        !          2736:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2737: %
        !          2738: Colvard's Logical Premises:
        !          2739:        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
        !          2740:        won't.
        !          2741: 
        !          2742: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        !          2743:        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        !          2744:        attracted to.
        !          2745: 
        !          2746: Grelb's Commentary
        !          2747:        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
        !          2748: %
        !          2749: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
        !          2750: And every vector dreams of matrices.
        !          2751: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
        !          2752: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
        !          2753:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2754: %
        !          2755: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
        !          2756: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
        !          2757: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
        !          2758: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
        !          2759:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2760: %
        !          2761: Command, n.:
        !          2762:        Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
        !          2763: such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
        !          2764: %
        !          2765:        COMMENT
        !          2766: 
        !          2767: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
        !          2768: A medley of extemporanea;
        !          2769: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
        !          2770: And I am Marie of Roumania.
        !          2771:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          2772: %
        !          2773: Commitment, n.:
        !          2774:        Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
        !          2775: The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
        !          2776: %
        !          2777: Committee Rules:
        !          2778:        (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
        !          2779:        (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
        !          2780:            stamps you as being wise.
        !          2781:        (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
        !          2782:            others.
        !          2783:        (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
        !          2784:        (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
        !          2785:            popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
        !          2786: %
        !          2787: Committee, n.:
        !          2788:        A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
        !          2789: decide that nothing can be done.
        !          2790:                -- Fred Allen
        !          2791: %
        !          2792: Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
        !          2793: be appointed to do the work.
        !          2794: %
        !          2795: Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
        !          2796: different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
        !          2797:                -- Clive James
        !          2798: %
        !          2799: Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
        !          2800:                -- Josh Billings
        !          2801: %
        !          2802: Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
        !          2803:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          2804: %
        !          2805: Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
        !          2806: of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
        !          2807:                -- David Guaspari
        !          2808: %
        !          2809: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
        !          2810: %
        !          2811: Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
        !          2812: theory.
        !          2813: %
        !          2814: Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
        !          2815: %
        !          2816: Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
        !          2817:                -- Pablo Picasso
        !          2818: %
        !          2819: Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
        !          2820: the world that just don't add up.
        !          2821: %
        !          2822: Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
        !          2823: than the estimate the job will cost.
        !          2824: %
        !          2825: Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
        !          2826:                -- LaRouchefoucauld
        !          2827: %
        !          2828: Concept, n.:
        !          2829:        Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
        !          2830: $25,000.
        !          2831: %
        !          2832: ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
        !          2833: business, it probably would be gibberish.
        !          2834:                -- Thom McLeod
        !          2835: %
        !          2836: Condense soup, not books!
        !          2837: %
        !          2838: Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
        !          2839: good for dandruff.
        !          2840:                -- Peter de Vries
        !          2841: %
        !          2842: Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
        !          2843: situation.
        !          2844: %
        !          2845: Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
        !          2846: would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
        !          2847: you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
        !          2848: maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
        !          2849: OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
        !          2850: UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
        !          2851: IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
        !          2852: WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
        !          2853: SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
        !          2854: RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
        !          2855: RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
        !          2856: FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
        !          2857:                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
        !          2858: %
        !          2859: Connector Conspiracy, n:
        !          2860:        [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
        !          2861: KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
        !          2862: manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
        !          2863: to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
        !          2864: stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
        !          2865: interface devices.
        !          2866: %
        !          2867: Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
        !          2868:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2869: %
        !          2870: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
        !          2871:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2872: %
        !          2873: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
        !          2874: %
        !          2875: Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
        !          2876: wish you weren't.
        !          2877: %
        !          2878: "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
        !          2879:                -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
        !          2880: %
        !          2881: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
        !          2882: give it back to them.
        !          2883: %
        !          2884: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
        !          2885: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
        !          2886:                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          2887: %
        !          2888: "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
        !          2889: technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
        !          2890: %
        !          2891: Conversation, n.:
        !          2892:        A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
        !          2893: is called the listener.
        !          2894: %
        !          2895: Conway's Law:
        !          2896:        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        !          2897:        what is going on.
        !          2898: 
        !          2899:        This person must be fired.
        !          2900: %
        !          2901: Coronation, n.:
        !          2902:        The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
        !          2903: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
        !          2904: bomb.
        !          2905:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2906: %
        !          2907: Corrupt, adj.:
        !          2908:        In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
        !          2909: %
        !          2910: Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
        !          2911: muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
        !          2912: make of capitalism.
        !          2913:                -- Walter Lippmann
        !          2914: %
        !          2915: Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
        !          2916: is to enforce the law and fight crime.
        !          2917:                -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
        !          2918: %
        !          2919: Court, n.:
        !          2920:        A place where they dispense with justice.
        !          2921:                -- Arthur Train
        !          2922: %
        !          2923: Coward, n.:
        !          2924:        One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
        !          2925:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2926: %
        !          2927: Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
        !          2928: nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
        !          2929:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          2930: %
        !          2931: Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
        !          2932:                -- A. E. Newman
        !          2933: %
        !          2934: Critic, n.:
        !          2935:        A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
        !          2936: to please him.
        !          2937:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2938: %
        !          2939: Croll's Query:
        !          2940:        If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
        !          2941: %
        !          2942: cursor address, n:
        !          2943:        "Hello, cursor!"
        !          2944:                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
        !          2945: %
        !          2946: "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
        !          2947: eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
        !          2948: business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
        !          2949:                -- Johnny Hart
        !          2950: %
        !          2951: "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
        !          2952: eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
        !          2953: business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
        !          2954:                -- Johnny Hart
        !          2955: %
        !          2956: Cynic, n.:
        !          2957:        A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
        !          2958: as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
        !          2959: out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
        !          2960:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2961: %
        !          2962: Cynic, n.:
        !          2963:        One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
        !          2964: eye.
        !          2965: %
        !          2966: Dare to be naive.
        !          2967:                -- R. Buckminster Fuller
        !          2968: %
        !          2969: Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
        !          2970: %
        !          2971: Dave Mack:     "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
        !          2972: Allen Gwinn:   "Yours is."
        !          2973: %
        !          2974: Dawn, n.:
        !          2975:        The time when men of reason go to bed.
        !          2976:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2977: %
        !          2978: Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
        !          2979: %
        !          2980: %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
        !          2981: VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
        !          2982: %
        !          2983: Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also
        !          2984: easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
        !          2985: improve.
        !          2986: %
        !          2987: Dear Lord:
        !          2988:        I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
        !          2989: the other hand", again.
        !          2990: %
        !          2991: Dear Miss Manners:
        !          2992:        My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
        !          2993: elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
        !          2994: courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
        !          2995: 
        !          2996: Gentle Reader:
        !          2997:        For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
        !          2998: economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
        !          2999: principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
        !          3000: than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
        !          3001: believes that is.
        !          3002: %
        !          3003: Dear Miss Manners:
        !          3004:        Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
        !          3005: your face.
        !          3006: 
        !          3007: Gentle Reader:
        !          3008:        Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
        !          3009: your face ...
        !          3010: %
        !          3011: Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
        !          3012: of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
        !          3013: will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
        !          3014: commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
        !          3015: "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
        !          3016: table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
        !          3017: says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,
        !          3018: "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
        !          3019: complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
        !          3020: if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
        !          3021: dead bat?
        !          3022: 
        !          3023: Answer: Yes.
        !          3024:                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
        !          3025: %
        !          3026: Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
        !          3027: 
        !          3028: Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
        !          3029: signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
        !          3030: word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
        !          3031: ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
        !          3032: creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
        !          3033: quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
        !          3034: DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
        !          3035:                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
        !          3036: %
        !          3037: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
        !          3038: %
        !          3039: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
        !          3040:                -- R. Geis
        !          3041: %
        !          3042: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
        !          3043: %
        !          3044: "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
        !          3045: %
        !          3046: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
        !          3047: %
        !          3048: Death is only a state of mind.
        !          3049: 
        !          3050: Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
        !          3051: %
        !          3052: Death to all fanatics!
        !          3053: %
        !          3054: Decision maker, n.:
        !          3055:        The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
        !          3056: before the music stopped.
        !          3057: %
        !          3058: Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
        !          3059: overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
        !          3060: language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
        !          3061: judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
        !          3062: addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
        !          3063:                -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
        !          3064:                   Assoc.
        !          3065: %
        !          3066:        Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
        !          3067: 
        !          3068: Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
        !          3069: Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
        !          3070: Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
        !          3071: Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
        !          3072: 
        !          3073: Don't we know archaic barrel,
        !          3074: Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
        !          3075: Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
        !          3076: Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
        !          3077:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          3078: %
        !          3079: "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
        !          3080: marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
        !          3081: theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
        !          3082: those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
        !          3083: blessed.
        !          3084:                -- Randy Davis
        !          3085: %
        !          3086: default, n.:
        !          3087:        [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
        !          3088: mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
        !          3089: come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
        !          3090:                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
        !          3091: %
        !          3092: #define BITCOUNT(x)    (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
        !          3093: #define  BX_(x)                ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)                    \
        !          3094:                             - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)                    \
        !          3095:                             - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
        !          3096: 
        !          3097:                -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
        !          3098: %
        !          3099:                        DELETE A FORTUNE!
        !          3100: 
        !          3101: Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
        !          3102: to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
        !          3103: "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
        !          3104: gets expunged.
        !          3105: %
        !          3106: Deliberation, n.:
        !          3107:        The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
        !          3108: buttered on.
        !          3109:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3110: %
        !          3111: "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
        !          3112: %
        !          3113: Demand the establishment of the government
        !          3114: in its rightful home at Disneyland.
        !          3115: %
        !          3116: Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
        !          3117: we deserve.
        !          3118:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          3119: %
        !          3120: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
        !          3121: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
        !          3122:                -- Senator Soaper
        !          3123: %
        !          3124: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
        !          3125: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
        !          3126:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          3127: %
        !          3128: Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
        !          3129: don't think.
        !          3130: %
        !          3131: Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
        !          3132: Jackasses.
        !          3133:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          3134: %
        !          3135: Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
        !          3136:                -- Jawaharlal Nehru
        !          3137: %
        !          3138: Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
        !          3139: are right more than half of the time.
        !          3140:                -- E. B. White
        !          3141: %
        !          3142: Democracy, n.:
        !          3143:        A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass
        !          3144: meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
        !          3145: Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
        !          3146: Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
        !          3147: whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
        !          3148: prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
        !          3149: Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
        !          3150:                -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
        !          3151:                   since withdrawn.
        !          3152: %
        !          3153: Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
        !          3154: board.  Especially with  those 14 year-old Valley girls.
        !          3155: %
        !          3156: Dentist, n.:
        !          3157:        A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
        !          3158: coins out of one's pockets.
        !          3159:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3160: %
        !          3161: Despising machines to a man,
        !          3162: The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
        !          3163:        And ride out by night
        !          3164:        In a sheeting of white
        !          3165: To lynch all the robots they can.
        !          3166:                -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
        !          3167: %
        !          3168: Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
        !          3169: be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
        !          3170: the table.
        !          3171:                -- The Anarchist Cookbook
        !          3172: %
        !          3173:                DETERIORATA
        !          3174: 
        !          3175: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
        !          3176: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
        !          3177: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
        !          3178: Rotate your tires.
        !          3179: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
        !          3180: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
        !          3181: Know what to kiss -- and when.
        !          3182: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
        !          3183: But that three do.
        !          3184: Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
        !          3185: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
        !          3186: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
        !          3187: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
        !          3188: 
        !          3189:        You are a fluke of the universe ...
        !          3190:        You have no right to be here.
        !          3191:        Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
        !          3192:        Is laughing behind your back.
        !          3193:                -- National Lampoon
        !          3194: %
        !          3195: DeVries's Dilemma:
        !          3196:        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        !          3197: hits the paper.
        !          3198: %
        !          3199: Did I say 2?  I lied.
        !          3200: %
        !          3201: Did you know ...
        !          3202: 
        !          3203: That no-one ever reads these things?
        !          3204: %
        !          3205: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
        !          3206:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3207: %
        !          3208: Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
        !          3209: them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
        !          3210: %
        !          3211: Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
        !          3212: that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:
        !          3213: 
        !          3214:        "Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
        !          3215:        squirrel."
        !          3216: 
        !          3217:                -- ihuxw!tommyo
        !          3218: %
        !          3219: Die, v.:
        !          3220:        To stop sinning suddenly.
        !          3221:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          3222: %
        !          3223: "Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
        !          3224: conventional thing to happen to him."
        !          3225:                -- John Barrymore's dying words
        !          3226: %
        !          3227: Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
        !          3228: %
        !          3229: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
        !          3230: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
        !          3231: %
        !          3232: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
        !          3233: %
        !          3234: Disc space -- the final frontier!
        !          3235: %
        !          3236: Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
        !          3237: yours too."
        !          3238:                -- Dave Haynie
        !          3239: %
        !          3240: Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
        !          3241: employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
        !          3242: coincidental.  Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
        !          3243: non-deterministic.  The question of the existence of views in the
        !          3244: absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
        !          3245: The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
        !          3246: the second god coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
        !          3247: non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
        !          3248: %
        !          3249: Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
        !          3250: %
        !          3251: Distinctive, adj.:
        !          3252:        A different color or shape than our competitors.
        !          3253: %
        !          3254: Distress, n.:
        !          3255:        A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
        !          3256:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3257: %
        !          3258: District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
        !          3259: injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
        !          3260: damage inflicted on the vehicle.
        !          3261: %
        !          3262: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
        !          3263: %
        !          3264: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
        !          3265: %
        !          3266: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
        !          3267: %
        !          3268: Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
        !          3269: %
        !          3270: Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
        !          3271: anger.
        !          3272: %
        !          3273: "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
        !          3274: with ketchup."
        !          3275: %
        !          3276: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
        !          3277: Violators will be prosecuted.
        !          3278: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
        !          3279: %
        !          3280: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
        !          3281: %
        !          3282: Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
        !          3283: day as it comes.
        !          3284:                -- Donald Kaul
        !          3285: %
        !          3286: Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
        !          3287: %
        !          3288: Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
        !          3289: %
        !          3290: Do you have lysdexia?
        !          3291: %
        !          3292: Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
        !          3293: the time to take the dirt out of them?
        !          3294: %
        !          3295: "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
        !          3296: "Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
        !          3297: "I've never done anything illegal before."
        !          3298: "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
        !          3299: %
        !          3300: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
        !          3301: when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
        !          3302:                -- Dick Brandon
        !          3303: %
        !          3304: Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
        !          3305: be good because the programmers hate it so much.
        !          3306: %
        !          3307: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
        !          3308: %
        !          3309: Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
        !          3310: %
        !          3311: Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
        !          3312:                -- Golda Meir
        !          3313: %
        !          3314: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
        !          3315: %
        !          3316: Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
        !          3317:                -- Joe Cointment
        !          3318: %
        !          3319: "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
        !          3320: sincerely, extremely dangerously.
        !          3321: 
        !          3322: They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
        !          3323: They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They
        !          3324: used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used
        !          3325: finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used
        !          3326: fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.
        !          3327: They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.
        !          3328: They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
        !          3329: They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And
        !          3330: what the hell, they caught him.
        !          3331: 
        !          3332:                -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
        !          3333:                   Tick-Tock Man"
        !          3334: %
        !          3335: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
        !          3336: %
        !          3337: Don't feed the bats tonight.
        !          3338: %
        !          3339: Don't get even -- get odd!
        !          3340: %
        !          3341: Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
        !          3342: misleading.  Debug only code.
        !          3343:                -- Dave Storer
        !          3344: %
        !          3345: "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes
        !          3346: you nothing.  It was here first."
        !          3347:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3348: %
        !          3349: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
        !          3350: %
        !          3351: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
        !          3352: %
        !          3353: Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
        !          3354: %
        !          3355: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
        !          3356: %
        !          3357: Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
        !          3358: %
        !          3359: Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
        !          3360: distance.
        !          3361: %
        !          3362: Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
        !          3363: %
        !          3364: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
        !          3365: %
        !          3366: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
        !          3367: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
        !          3368: %
        !          3369: "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
        !          3370:                -- Darryl F. Zanuck
        !          3371: %
        !          3372: Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
        !          3373: Cheat.
        !          3374:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          3375: %
        !          3376: Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
        !          3377:                -- "Brazil"
        !          3378: %
        !          3379: Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
        !          3380:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          3381: %
        !          3382: Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
        !          3383: %
        !          3384: Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
        !          3385: %
        !          3386: "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
        !          3387: get more wax!!"
        !          3388: %
        !          3389: Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
        !          3390: avoiding you.
        !          3391:                -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
        !          3392: %
        !          3393: "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any
        !          3394: good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
        !          3395:                -- Howard Aiken
        !          3396: %
        !          3397: Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
        !          3398: tomorrow in Australia.
        !          3399:                -- Charles Schultz
        !          3400: %
        !          3401: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
        !          3402: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
        !          3403: %
        !          3404: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
        !          3405: %
        !          3406: Don:    I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
        !          3407:        pretty?
        !          3408: W. C.:  Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
        !          3409:        bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
        !          3410:        sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
        !          3411: Don:   Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
        !          3412: W. C.: It's almost impossible.
        !          3413:                -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
        !          3414:                   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
        !          3415: %
        !          3416:                Double Bucky
        !          3417:        (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")   
        !          3418: 
        !          3419: Double bucky, you're the one!
        !          3420: You make my keyboard lots of fun
        !          3421:        Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
        !          3422: (Vo-vo-de-o!)
        !          3423: Control and Meta side by side,
        !          3424: Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
        !          3425:        Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
        !          3426: 
        !          3427: Double bucky, left and right
        !          3428: OR'd together, outta sight!
        !          3429:        Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
        !          3430:        Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
        !          3431:        Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
        !          3432: 
        !          3433:                -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
        !          3434: %
        !          3435: Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
        !          3436:        An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
        !          3437: fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
        !          3438: belief in the tooth fairy.
        !          3439: %
        !          3440: Down with categorical imperative!
        !          3441: %
        !          3442: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
        !          3443: %
        !          3444: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        !          3445:        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        !          3446: of your eyes.
        !          3447: %
        !          3448: Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
        !          3449: %
        !          3450: Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
        !          3451: %
        !          3452: Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
        !          3453: route!
        !          3454: %
        !          3455: Ducharme's Axiom:
        !          3456:        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        !          3457: yourself as part of the problem.
        !          3458: %
        !          3459: Ducharme's Precept:
        !          3460:        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
        !          3461: %
        !          3462: Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
        !          3463: it holds the universe together ...
        !          3464:                -- Carl Zwanzig
        !          3465: %
        !          3466: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
        !          3467: has been discontinued.
        !          3468: %
        !          3469: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
        !          3470: and captain of your soul.
        !          3471: %
        !          3472: Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
        !          3473: discontinued.
        !          3474: %
        !          3475:        During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
        !          3476: were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
        !          3477: red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
        !          3478: "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
        !          3479:        "Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
        !          3480: shot at mine, over there."
        !          3481: %
        !          3482: During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
        !          3483: times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po  ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
        !          3484: %
        !          3485: "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have
        !          3486: nothing whatever to do with it."
        !          3487:                -- W. Somerset Maugham
        !          3488: %
        !          3489: E Pluribus Unix
        !          3490: %
        !          3491: Eagleson's Law:
        !          3492:        Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
        !          3493: months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is
        !          3494: an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
        !          3495: %
        !          3496: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
        !          3497: %
        !          3498: /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
        !          3499: %
        !          3500: Earth is a beta site.
        !          3501: %
        !          3502: "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
        !          3503:                -- Jeff Berner
        !          3504: %
        !          3505: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
        !          3506:        Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
        !          3507: cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
        !          3508: the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
        !          3509: means the puzzle is solved.
        !          3510:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          3511: %
        !          3512:  Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
        !          3513: %
        !          3514: "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
        !          3515: %
        !          3516: Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
        !          3517:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          3518: %
        !          3519: Economics, n.:
        !          3520:        Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
        !          3521: Galbraith ...
        !          3522:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          3523: %
        !          3524: Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
        !          3525: would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it
        !          3526: hasn't.
        !          3527:                -- Robert Orben
        !          3528: %
        !          3529: Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
        !          3530: percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
        !          3531:                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
        !          3532: %
        !          3533: Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
        !          3534:                -- Fred Allen
        !          3535: %
        !          3536: Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
        !          3537:                -- Irsin Edman
        !          3538: %
        !          3539: Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
        !          3540:                -- Bullwinkle Moose
        !          3541: %
        !          3542: Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
        !          3543:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !          3544: %
        !          3545: Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
        !          3546: people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
        !          3547: comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
        !          3548: the "nog" comes from.
        !          3549: 
        !          3550: To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
        !          3551: season, eggs...
        !          3552: %
        !          3553: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
        !          3554: of being a damned fool.
        !          3555:                -- Bellamy Brooks
        !          3556: %
        !          3557: Egotist, n.:
        !          3558:        A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
        !          3559:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3560: %
        !          3561: Ehrman's Commentary:
        !          3562:        (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
        !          3563:        (2) Who said things would get better?
        !          3564: %
        !          3565: Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
        !          3566:                -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
        !          3567: %
        !          3568: Eleanor Rigby
        !          3569:        Sits at the keyboard
        !          3570:        And waits for a line on the screen
        !          3571: Lives in a dream
        !          3572: Waits for a signal
        !          3573:        Finding some code
        !          3574:        That will make the machine do some more.
        !          3575: What is it for?
        !          3576: 
        !          3577: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
        !          3578: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
        !          3579: %
        !          3580: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
        !          3581: %
        !          3582:        Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
        !          3583: called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
        !          3584: have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
        !          3585: most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the
        !          3586: time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
        !          3587: have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
        !          3588: although God alone knows why it would want to.
        !          3589:        The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
        !          3590: direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes
        !          3591: have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
        !          3592: direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents
        !          3593: harmful electron buildup in the wires.
        !          3594:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          3595: %
        !          3596: Electrocution, n.:
        !          3597:        Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
        !          3598: %
        !          3599: Elevators smell different to midgets
        !          3600: %
        !          3601: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
        !          3602:        Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
        !          3603: can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
        !          3604: %
        !          3605: Encyclopedia Salesmen:
        !          3606:        Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
        !          3607: and tell them your house is being burgled.
        !          3608:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          3609: %
        !          3610: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
        !          3611: Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
        !          3612:                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
        !          3613: %
        !          3614: Entropy isn't what it used to be.
        !          3615: %
        !          3616: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
        !          3617: otherwise require harder thinking.
        !          3618:                -- Jerome Lettvin
        !          3619: %
        !          3620: Epperson's law:
        !          3621:        When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
        !          3622: something his wife can beat him at.
        !          3623: %
        !          3624: Equal bytes for women.
        !          3625: %
        !          3626: Error in operator: add beer
        !          3627: %
        !          3628: Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
        !          3629:        Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
        !          3630: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
        !          3631:        Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
        !          3632:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          3633: %
        !          3634: Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
        !          3635:                -- Woody Allen
        !          3636: %
        !          3637: Etymology, n.:
        !          3638:        Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
        !          3639: were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
        !          3640: from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
        !          3641: ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
        !          3642:                -- Mike Kellen
        !          3643: %
        !          3644: Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
        !          3645: speak it to?
        !          3646:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          3647: %
        !          3648: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
        !          3649: there."
        !          3650:                -- Will Rogers
        !          3651: %
        !          3652: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
        !          3653:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          3654: %
        !          3655: Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
        !          3656: States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
        !          3657: day.
        !          3658: %
        !          3659: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
        !          3660: just how busy they are.
        !          3661: %
        !          3662: Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
        !          3663: exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men."
        !          3664: All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
        !          3665: spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
        !          3666: Would you please take my wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please
        !          3667: take her right now.  No How about:  Would you like to take something?
        !          3668: My wife is available.  No.  How about ..."
        !          3669:                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
        !          3670: %
        !          3671: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
        !          3672: %
        !          3673: Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
        !          3674: %
        !          3675: Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this
        !          3676: woman and stop her.
        !          3677: %
        !          3678: "Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one
        !          3679: idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's
        !          3680: sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
        !          3681: of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
        !          3682: highly-motivated, caustic twits."
        !          3683:                -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
        !          3684: %
        !          3685: Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
        !          3686: signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
        !          3687: fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
        !          3688: spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
        !          3689: genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
        !          3690: of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
        !          3691: humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
        !          3692:                -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
        !          3693: %
        !          3694: Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
        !          3695: 
        !          3696: Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
        !          3697: front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
        !          3698: odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
        !          3699: and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
        !          3700: legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
        !          3701: there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
        !          3702: of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
        !          3703: color"], that does not exist.
        !          3704: %
        !          3705: Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
        !          3706:                -- Frank Moore Colby
        !          3707: %
        !          3708: Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
        !          3709: %
        !          3710: Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
        !          3711:                -- Don Vonada
        !          3712: %
        !          3713: "Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
        !          3714: %
        !          3715: Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
        !          3716:                -- Miguel de Cervantes
        !          3717: %
        !          3718: "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
        !          3719: richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"
        !          3720:                -- Robert Orben
        !          3721: %
        !          3722: Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
        !          3723: 
        !          3724: It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
        !          3725: %
        !          3726: Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
        !          3727: instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
        !          3728: program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
        !          3729: %
        !          3730: Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
        !          3731: another for which it wasn't.
        !          3732: %
        !          3733: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
        !          3734: %
        !          3735: Every solution breeds new problems.
        !          3736: %
        !          3737: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
        !          3738: guarantee of eventual success.
        !          3739: %
        !          3740: "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
        !          3741: %
        !          3742: Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
        !          3743:                -- Beckett
        !          3744: %
        !          3745: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
        !          3746:                -- Dykstra
        !          3747: %
        !          3748: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
        !          3749: %
        !          3750: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
        !          3751: taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
        !          3752: %
        !          3753: Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
        !          3754: realize it.
        !          3755: %
        !          3756: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
        !          3757: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
        !          3758: scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
        !          3759: wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
        !          3760: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
        !          3761: discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
        !          3762: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
        !          3763: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
        !          3764: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
        !          3765: different way ...
        !          3766:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          3767: %
        !          3768: Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
        !          3769: %
        !          3770: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
        !          3771: no one we know belongs.
        !          3772: %
        !          3773: Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
        !          3774: that a belch is more satisfying.
        !          3775:                -- Ingmar Bergman
        !          3776: %
        !          3777: Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
        !          3778: %
        !          3779: Everything you know is wrong!
        !          3780: %
        !          3781: Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
        !          3782: obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
        !          3783: solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
        !          3784: There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
        !          3785: straight lines.
        !          3786:                -- R. Buckminster Fuller
        !          3787: %
        !          3788:        Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
        !          3789: mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
        !          3790: "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
        !          3791: how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
        !          3792: "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
        !          3793: So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
        !          3794:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !          3795: %
        !          3796: Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
        !          3797: %
        !          3798: Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
        !          3799: %
        !          3800: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
        !          3801: %
        !          3802: Excellent time to become a missing person.
        !          3803: %
        !          3804: Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
        !          3805: acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
        !          3806:                -- W. Somerset Maugham
        !          3807: %
        !          3808: Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
        !          3809: %
        !          3810: Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
        !          3811: the work.
        !          3812:                -- John G. Pollard
        !          3813: %
        !          3814: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
        !          3815: %
        !          3816: Expense Accounts, n.:
        !          3817:        Corporate food stamps.
        !          3818: %
        !          3819: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
        !          3820:                -- Olivier
        !          3821: %
        !          3822: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
        !          3823: when you make it again.
        !          3824:                -- F. P. Jones
        !          3825: %
        !          3826: Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
        !          3827: the instruction afterward.
        !          3828: %
        !          3829: Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
        !          3830: ones.
        !          3831: %
        !          3832: Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
        !          3833: %
        !          3834: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
        !          3835: %
        !          3836: Expert, n.:
        !          3837:        Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
        !          3838: %
        !          3839: Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
        !          3840: 
        !          3841:                NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
        !          3842: 
        !          3843: To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
        !          3844: cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
        !          3845: corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
        !          3846: address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
        !          3847: to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
        !          3848: left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
        !          3849: below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
        !          3850: computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
        !          3851: SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
        !          3852: (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
        !          3853: Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
        !          3854: disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
        !          3855: this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
        !          3856: completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
        !          3857: %
        !          3858: F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
        !          3859: %
        !          3860: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
        !          3861: %
        !          3862: f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
        !          3863: %
        !          3864: F:     When into a room I plunge, I
        !          3865:        Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
        !          3866:        Then I linger, darkly brooding
        !          3867:        On the poison they're exuding.
        !          3868:                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        !          3869: %
        !          3870: Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
        !          3871: %
        !          3872: Fairy Tale, n.:
        !          3873:        A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
        !          3874: %
        !          3875: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
        !          3876: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
        !          3877: %
        !          3878: Faith, n:
        !          3879:        That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
        !          3880: untrue.
        !          3881: %
        !          3882: Fakir, n:
        !          3883:        A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
        !          3884: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
        !          3885: have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
        !          3886: %
        !          3887: Familiarity breeds attempt
        !          3888: %
        !          3889: Families, when a child is born
        !          3890: Want it to be intelligent.
        !          3891: I, through intelligence,
        !          3892: Having wrecked my whole life,
        !          3893: Only hope the baby will prove
        !          3894: Ignorant and stupid.
        !          3895: Then he will crown a tranquil life
        !          3896: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
        !          3897:                -- Su Tung-p'o
        !          3898: %
        !          3899: Famous last words:
        !          3900: %
        !          3901: Famous last words:
        !          3902:        (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        !          3903:        (2) "You and what army?"
        !          3904:        (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
        !          3905:             a cop."
        !          3906: %
        !          3907: Famous last words:
        !          3908:        (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
        !          3909:        (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
        !          3910:        (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
        !          3911:        (4) We won't need reservations.
        !          3912:        (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
        !          3913:        (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
        !          3914:        (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
        !          3915: %
        !          3916: Famous, adj.:
        !          3917:        Conspicuously miserable.
        !          3918:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          3919: %
        !          3920: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
        !          3921: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
        !          3922: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
        !          3923: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
        !          3924: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
        !          3925: are a pretty neat idea ...
        !          3926:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          3927: %
        !          3928: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
        !          3929: every six months.
        !          3930:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3931: %
        !          3932: Fats Loves Madelyn
        !          3933: %
        !          3934: Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
        !          3935: %
        !          3936: Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
        !          3937: neither will you.
        !          3938: %
        !          3939:        Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
        !          3940: other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
        !          3941: the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
        !          3942: d'oeuvres.
        !          3943:        Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
        !          3944: to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
        !          3945: Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
        !          3946: piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
        !          3947:        Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
        !          3948: inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
        !          3949: other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
        !          3950: placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
        !          3951: the little hammers strike.
        !          3952:        Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
        !          3953: their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
        !          3954: Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.
        !          3955: 
        !          3956:        You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
        !          3957: you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
        !          3958: 4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
        !          3959: %
        !          3960: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          3961:        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
        !          3962: 
        !          3963: Corollary:
        !          3964:        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        !          3965: live.
        !          3966: %
        !          3967: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        !          3968:        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        !          3969: there is nothing important to do.
        !          3970: %
        !          3971: Fifty flippant frogs
        !          3972: Walked by on flippered feet
        !          3973: And with their slime they made the time
        !          3974: Unnaturally fleet.
        !          3975: %
        !          3976:        FIGHTING WORDS
        !          3977: 
        !          3978: Say my love is easy had,
        !          3979:        Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
        !          3980: Say I am too often sad --
        !          3981:        Still behold me at your side.
        !          3982: 
        !          3983: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
        !          3984:        Say I woo and coddle care,
        !          3985: Say the devil touched my tongue --
        !          3986:        Still you have my heart to wear.
        !          3987: 
        !          3988: But say my verses do not scan,
        !          3989:        And I get me another man!
        !          3990:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          3991: %
        !          3992: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
        !          3993: Carolina.
        !          3994: %
        !          3995: Finagle's Creed:
        !          3996:        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
        !          3997: %
        !          3998: Finagle's First Law:
        !          3999:        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
        !          4000: %
        !          4001: Finagle's fourth Law:
        !          4002:        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
        !          4003: it worse.
        !          4004: %
        !          4005: Finagle's Second Law:
        !          4006:        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        !          4007: someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
        !          4008: happened according to his own pet theory.
        !          4009: %
        !          4010: Finagle's Third Law:
        !          4011:        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        !          4012:        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
        !          4013: 
        !          4014: Corollaries:
        !          4015:        (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        !          4016:        (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
        !          4017:            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
        !          4018: %
        !          4019: Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
        !          4020: on a rock.
        !          4021:                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
        !          4022: %
        !          4023: Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
        !          4024: %
        !          4025: Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
        !          4026: %
        !          4027: Fine's Corollary:
        !          4028:        Functionality breeds Contempt.
        !          4029: %
        !          4030: Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
        !          4031: 
        !          4032:        "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
        !          4033: 
        !          4034: Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
        !          4035: 
        !          4036:        P.O. Box 35
        !          4037:        Baffled Greek, Michigan
        !          4038: %
        !          4039: First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
        !          4040:        Machines that piss people off get murdered.
        !          4041:                -- Pat Taber
        !          4042: %
        !          4043: First Law of Bicycling:
        !          4044:        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        !          4045: wind.
        !          4046: %
        !          4047: First Law of Procrastination:
        !          4048:        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        !          4049: for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
        !          4050: the deadline).
        !          4051: %
        !          4052: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        !          4053:        Celibacy is not hereditary.
        !          4054: %
        !          4055: First Rule of History:
        !          4056:        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        !          4057: other.
        !          4058: %
        !          4059: "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
        !          4060:                -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
        !          4061: %
        !          4062: First, a few words about tools.
        !          4063: 
        !          4064: Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
        !          4065: the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
        !          4066: injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
        !          4067: you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
        !          4068: particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
        !          4069: granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
        !          4070:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          4071: %
        !          4072: Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
        !          4073:                -- Robert Firth
        !          4074: %
        !          4075: Flappity, floppity, flip
        !          4076: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
        !          4077:        The strip revolved,
        !          4078:        The mouse dissolved
        !          4079: In a chronodimensional skip.
        !          4080: %
        !          4081: FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
        !          4082: the little hand is on the ....
        !          4083: %
        !          4084: Flon's Law:
        !          4085:        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        !          4086: the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
        !          4087: %
        !          4088: Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
        !          4089: husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
        !          4090: joules!"
        !          4091: 
        !          4092: "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
        !          4093: a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."
        !          4094: 
        !          4095: "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
        !          4096: in my burette ... We must call a copper."
        !          4097: 
        !          4098: Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
        !          4099: said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
        !          4100: of Lawrence Ium.
        !          4101: 
        !          4102: "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
        !          4103: dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
        !          4104: catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
        !          4105: activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
        !          4106:                -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
        !          4107: %
        !          4108: flowchart, n. & v.:
        !          4109:        [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
        !          4110: "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
        !          4111: 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
        !          4112: problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
        !          4113: using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
        !          4114: doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
        !          4115: wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
        !          4116: thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
        !          4117: Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
        !          4118: flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
        !          4119: (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
        !          4120:                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
        !          4121: %
        !          4122: Flugg's Law:
        !          4123:        When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
        !          4124: world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
        !          4125: %
        !          4126: Flying saucers on occasion
        !          4127:        Show themselves to human eyes.
        !          4128: Aliens fume, put off invasion
        !          4129:        While they brand these tales as lies.
        !          4130: %
        !          4131: Fog Lamps, n.:
        !          4132:        Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
        !          4133: fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
        !          4134: driver's brain is in a fog.
        !          4135: 
        !          4136: See also "Idiot Lights".
        !          4137: %
        !          4138: Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
        !          4139:                -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
        !          4140: %
        !          4141: For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
        !          4142: %
        !          4143: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
        !          4144: %
        !          4145: For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
        !          4146: cat.
        !          4147: %
        !          4148: "For an adequate time call 555-3321"
        !          4149: %
        !          4150: For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
        !          4151: always old-fashioned.
        !          4152: %
        !          4153: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
        !          4154: and wrong.
        !          4155:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          4156: %
        !          4157: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
        !          4158:                -- R. Clopton
        !          4159: %
        !          4160:        "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
        !          4161: of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
        !          4162: 
        !          4163:        "Whose?"
        !          4164: 
        !          4165:        "MINE! HA-HA!"
        !          4166: %
        !          4167: For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
        !          4168: %
        !          4169: For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
        !          4170: life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
        !          4171: now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
        !          4172: when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
        !          4173: in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
        !          4174: the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which
        !          4175: means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
        !          4176: advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
        !          4177: the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
        !          4178: names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
        !          4179: ("part of this complete breakfast").
        !          4180:                -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
        !          4181: %
        !          4182: For perfect happiness, remember two things:
        !          4183:        (1) Be content with what you've got.
        !          4184:        (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
        !          4185: %
        !          4186: For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
        !          4187: "Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
        !          4188:                -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
        !          4189:                   the U.S.
        !          4190: %
        !          4191: For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
        !          4192: %
        !          4193: "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
        !          4194: a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
        !          4195: computers altogether?"
        !          4196:                -- Jehan Shuman
        !          4197: %
        !          4198: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
        !          4199: like.
        !          4200:                -- Abraham Lincoln
        !          4201: %
        !          4202: "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
        !          4203: phone calls taper off."
        !          4204:                -- Johnny Carson
        !          4205: %
        !          4206: For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
        !          4207: I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
        !          4208: But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
        !          4209: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
        !          4210:                -- Justin Richardson.
        !          4211: %
        !          4212: For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
        !          4213: %
        !          4214: Forgetfulness, n.:
        !          4215:        A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
        !          4216: destitution of conscience.
        !          4217: %
        !          4218: Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
        !          4219: %
        !          4220: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!   #6
        !          4221: 
        !          4222: RAZORBACK:                     Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
        !          4223:        One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
        !          4224:        arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
        !          4225:        hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
        !          4226: %
        !          4227: fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
        !          4228: 
        !          4229:        I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
        !          4230:        "Hey you, get off my plate"
        !          4231:                -- Roger Midnight
        !          4232: %
        !          4233: Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
        !          4234:        "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
        !          4235: %
        !          4236: Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
        !          4237: 
        !          4238:                Don't Write On Walls!
        !          4239: 
        !          4240:                   (and underneath)
        !          4241: 
        !          4242:                You want I should type?
        !          4243: %
        !          4244: Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
        !          4245:        No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
        !          4246: State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
        !          4247: with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
        !          4248: weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
        !          4249: apply to female horses.
        !          4250: %
        !          4251: Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
        !          4252: Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
        !          4253: impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
        !          4254: clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
        !          4255: exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
        !          4256: 
        !          4257: DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
        !          4258:         having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
        !          4259: HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
        !          4260: DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
        !          4261:         is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
        !          4262:         large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
        !          4263:         amounts of fertilization ...
        !          4264: HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
        !          4265:         teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
        !          4266: %
        !          4267: Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
        !          4268: 
        !          4269:        Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
        !          4270: %
        !          4271: FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS           #14
        !          4272: 
        !          4273: Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
        !          4274: liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
        !          4275: light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
        !          4276: drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
        !          4277: %
        !          4278: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
        !          4279: 
        !          4280: Q:  Are you married?
        !          4281: A:  No, I'm divorced.
        !          4282: Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
        !          4283: A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
        !          4284: %
        !          4285: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
        !          4286: 
        !          4287: Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
        !          4288: A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
        !          4289: %
        !          4290: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
        !          4291: 
        !          4292: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
        !          4293:           information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
        !          4294:           any ...
        !          4295: %
        !          4296: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
        !          4297: 
        !          4298: Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
        !          4299: A:  I will be three months November 8th.
        !          4300: Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
        !          4301: A:  Yes.
        !          4302: Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
        !          4303: %
        !          4304: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
        !          4305: 
        !          4306: Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
        !          4307: A:  No.
        !          4308: Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
        !          4309: A:  Picking them up in the air.
        !          4310: Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
        !          4311: A:  Attached to the ears.
        !          4312: %
        !          4313: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
        !          4314: 
        !          4315: Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
        !          4316:     able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
        !          4317:     go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
        !          4318:     him to the station?
        !          4319: MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
        !          4320: %
        !          4321: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
        !          4322: 
        !          4323: Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
        !          4324: A:  By death.
        !          4325: Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
        !          4326: %
        !          4327: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
        !          4328: 
        !          4329: Q:  What is your name?
        !          4330: A:  Ernestine McDowell.
        !          4331: Q:  And what is your marital status?
        !          4332: A:  Fair.
        !          4333: %
        !          4334: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
        !          4335: 
        !          4336: Q:  What happened then?
        !          4337: A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
        !          4338:     me."
        !          4339: Q:  Did he kill you?
        !          4340: A:  No.
        !          4341: %
        !          4342: fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
        !          4343: %
        !          4344: Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
        !          4345: sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
        !          4346: 
        !          4347: Oh, and have a nice day!
        !          4348:                -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
        !          4349: %
        !          4350: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          4351:        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        !          4352: instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
        !          4353: 
        !          4354: Corollary:
        !          4355:        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        !          4356: except study for that instructor's course.
        !          4357: %
        !          4358: Fourth Law of Revision:
        !          4359:        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        !          4360: interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
        !          4361: %
        !          4362: Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not
        !          4363: almost one, it is damn near zero.
        !          4364:                -- David Ellis
        !          4365: %
        !          4366: Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
        !          4367: policeman's tie.
        !          4368: %
        !          4369: Fresco's Discovery:
        !          4370:        If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
        !          4371: %
        !          4372: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
        !          4373: Let me clue you in;
        !          4374: I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
        !          4375: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
        !          4376: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
        !          4377: Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
        !          4378: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
        !          4379: And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
        !          4380: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
        !          4381: So are they all, all cool cats, --
        !          4382: Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
        !          4383: %
        !          4384: Frisbeetarianism, n.:
        !          4385:        The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
        !          4386: gets stuck.
        !          4387: %
        !          4388: Frobnicate, v.:
        !          4389:        To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
        !          4390: Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a
        !          4391: frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
        !          4392: sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
        !          4393: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
        !          4394: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
        !          4395: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
        !          4396: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
        !          4397: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
        !          4398: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
        !          4399: %
        !          4400: Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
        !          4401:        An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to
        !          4402: electronic black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to
        !          4403: FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
        !          4404: FROBNODULE.  Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
        !          4405: FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
        !          4406: via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be
        !          4407: applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
        !          4408: %
        !          4409: [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
        !          4410: Association, in Rome]:
        !          4411: 
        !          4412: The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
        !          4413: and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
        !          4414: spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
        !          4415: or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
        !          4416: millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
        !          4417: reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
        !          4418: engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
        !          4419: president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
        !          4420: schizophrenia in mass genocide.
        !          4421: %
        !          4422: From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
        !          4423: 
        !          4424: Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
        !          4425: the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the
        !          4426: Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
        !          4427: candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
        !          4428: nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
        !          4429: other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
        !          4430: qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
        !          4431: being nuts (unground)."
        !          4432: %
        !          4433: From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
        !          4434: convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
        !          4435:                -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
        !          4436: %
        !          4437: [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
        !          4438: in Japan]:
        !          4439: 
        !          4440: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
        !          4441: MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
        !          4442: featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
        !          4443: against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
        !          4444: "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
        !          4445: Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
        !          4446: operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
        !          4447: 
        !          4448: And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
        !          4449: achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
        !          4450: HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
        !          4451: %
        !          4452: From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
        !          4453: instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
        !          4454: experience in sound:
        !          4455: 
        !          4456:        5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
        !          4457:            sound is normal for this type of connector.
        !          4458: %
        !          4459: From too much love of living,
        !          4460: From hope and fear set free,
        !          4461: We thank with brief thanksgiving,
        !          4462: Whatever gods may be,
        !          4463: That no life lives forever,
        !          4464: That dead men rise up never,
        !          4465: That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
        !          4466:                -- Swinburne
        !          4467: %
        !          4468: Fuch's Warning:
        !          4469:        If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
        !          4470: enough to travel.
        !          4471: %
        !          4472: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        !          4473:        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
        !          4474: %
        !          4475: Furbling, v.:
        !          4476:        Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
        !          4477: even when you are the only person in line.
        !          4478:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          4479: %
        !          4480: Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
        !          4481:                -- H. H. Williams
        !          4482: %
        !          4483: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
        !          4484: %
        !          4485: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
        !          4486: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
        !          4487: secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
        !          4488: `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
        !          4489: that's your chance, my boy."
        !          4490: %
        !          4491: Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
        !          4492: %
        !          4493: Garter, n.:
        !          4494:        An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
        !          4495: stockings and desolating the country.
        !          4496:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4497: %
        !          4498: Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
        !          4499: on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
        !          4500:                -- Adventures of Asterix.
        !          4501: %
        !          4502: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
        !          4503: 
        !          4504:        Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
        !          4505: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
        !          4506:        "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
        !          4507: Obvious, isn't it?
        !          4508:        Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
        !          4509: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
        !          4510: long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
        !          4511: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
        !          4512: so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
        !          4513: individuals and then grow ...
        !          4514:        Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
        !          4515: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
        !          4516: everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
        !          4517: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
        !          4518: backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
        !          4519: think not, my friend, I think not.
        !          4520:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          4521: %
        !          4522:        "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
        !          4523: extracurricular activity except you."
        !          4524:        "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
        !          4525:        "Only to ten, Mudhead."
        !          4526: 
        !          4527:                        -- Firesign Theater
        !          4528: %
        !          4529: "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
        !          4530: %
        !          4531: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
        !          4532:        You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
        !          4533: because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
        !          4534: for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
        !          4535: committing incest.
        !          4536: %
        !          4537: GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
        !          4538:        Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
        !          4539: you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
        !          4540: and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
        !          4541: trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
        !          4542: %
        !          4543: Genderplex, n.:
        !          4544:        The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
        !          4545: determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
        !          4546: tortoises).
        !          4547:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          4548: %
        !          4549: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
        !          4550: you should.
        !          4551: %
        !          4552: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
        !          4553: handicapped.
        !          4554:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          4555: %
        !          4556: Genius, n.:
        !          4557:        A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
        !          4558: "bright".
        !          4559: %
        !          4560: George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
        !          4561:                -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
        !          4562: %
        !          4563: George Orwell was an optimist.
        !          4564: %
        !          4565: George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
        !          4566: have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
        !          4567:                -- Ashley Cooper
        !          4568: %
        !          4569: Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
        !          4570:        (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
        !          4571:            direction.
        !          4572:        (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
        !          4573:        (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
        !          4574:            will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
        !          4575:            much as to make the task totally impossible.
        !          4576: %
        !          4577: Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
        !          4578: %
        !          4579:                        Get GUMMed
        !          4580:                        --- ------
        !          4581: The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
        !          4582: 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
        !          4583: the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
        !          4584: each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
        !          4585: chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
        !          4586: nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
        !          4587: days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
        !          4588: seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
        !          4589: friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
        !          4590: Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
        !          4591: "cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
        !          4592: Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
        !          4593: all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
        !          4594: could tell them.
        !          4595:                -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
        !          4596: %
        !          4597: Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
        !          4598: %
        !          4599:                        -- Gifts for Children --
        !          4600: 
        !          4601: This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
        !          4602: because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
        !          4603: and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
        !          4604: morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
        !          4605: exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
        !          4606: your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
        !          4607: Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
        !          4608: might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
        !          4609: me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
        !          4610: who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
        !          4611:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          4612: %
        !          4613:                        -- Gifts for Men --
        !          4614: 
        !          4615: Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
        !          4616: ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
        !          4617: should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
        !          4618: clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
        !          4619: example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
        !          4620: three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
        !          4621: that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
        !          4622: at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
        !          4623: So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
        !          4624: years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
        !          4625: pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
        !          4626: 
        !          4627: If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
        !          4628: than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
        !          4629: of tires.
        !          4630:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          4631: %
        !          4632:                Gimmie That Old Time Religion
        !          4633: We will follow Zarathustra,            We will worship like the Druids,
        !          4634: Zarathustra like we use to,            Dancing naked in the woods,
        !          4635: I'm a Zarathustra booster,             Drinking strange fermented fluids,
        !          4636: And he's good enough for me!           And it's good enough for me!
        !          4637:        (chorus)                                (chorus)
        !          4638: 
        !          4639: In the church of Aphrodite,
        !          4640: The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
        !          4641: She's a mighty righteous sightie,
        !          4642: And she's good enough for me!
        !          4643:        (chorus)
        !          4644: 
        !          4645: CHORUS:        Give me that old time religion,
        !          4646:        Give me that old time religion,
        !          4647:        Give me that old time religion,
        !          4648:        'Cause it's good enough for me!
        !          4649: %
        !          4650: Ginsberg's Theorem:
        !          4651:        (1) You can't win.
        !          4652:        (2) You can't break even.
        !          4653:        (3) You can't even quit the game.
        !          4654: 
        !          4655: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        !          4656:        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        !          4657:        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        !          4658:        Theorem.  To wit:
        !          4659: 
        !          4660:        (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        !          4661:        (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
        !          4662:            even.
        !          4663:        (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
        !          4664:            game.
        !          4665: %
        !          4666: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
        !          4667: to stand, and I will drain the world.
        !          4668: %
        !          4669: "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
        !          4670:                -- Napolean
        !          4671: %
        !          4672: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
        !          4673: %
        !          4674: Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
        !          4675: a new town.
        !          4676: %
        !          4677: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
        !          4678: %
        !          4679: "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
        !          4680: around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."
        !          4681:                -- Eric Clapton
        !          4682: %
        !          4683: Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
        !          4684: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP
        !          4685: machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
        !          4686:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          4687: %
        !          4688: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        !          4689:        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        !          4690: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
        !          4691: useful work done.
        !          4692: %
        !          4693: Gnagloot, n.:
        !          4694:        A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
        !          4695: impress people.
        !          4696:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          4697: %
        !          4698: Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
        !          4699: %
        !          4700: Go climb a gravity well!
        !          4701: %
        !          4702: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
        !          4703: be in owning a piece thereof.
        !          4704:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          4705: %
        !          4706: //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
        !          4707: %
        !          4708: God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
        !          4709: days and then pulled an all-nighter.
        !          4710: %
        !          4711: God doesn't play dice.
        !          4712:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          4713: %
        !          4714: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
        !          4715: 
        !          4716: Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
        !          4717: end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
        !          4718: can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
        !          4719: would he lie about a thing like that?
        !          4720:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          4721: %
        !          4722: God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
        !          4723: The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
        !          4724: not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
        !          4725: ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
        !          4726: smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
        !          4727: water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
        !          4728: the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
        !          4729: night!
        !          4730:                -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
        !          4731: %
        !          4732: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
        !          4733: %
        !          4734: God is a polythiest
        !          4735: %
        !          4736: God is Dead
        !          4737:                -- Nietzsche
        !          4738: Nietzsche is Dead
        !          4739:                -- God
        !          4740: Nietzsche is God
        !          4741:                -- The Dead
        !          4742: %
        !          4743: God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
        !          4744: %
        !          4745: God is real, unless declared integer.
        !          4746: %
        !          4747: God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
        !          4748: elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
        !          4749: other things.
        !          4750:                -- Pablo Picasso
        !          4751: %
        !          4752: God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
        !          4753:                -- Alfred Jarry
        !          4754: %
        !          4755: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
        !          4756: %
        !          4757: God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
        !          4758: %
        !          4759: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
        !          4760:                -- Mark Twain
        !          4761: %
        !          4762: God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
        !          4763:                -- Kronecker
        !          4764: %
        !          4765: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
        !          4766: %
        !          4767: God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
        !          4768:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          4769: %
        !          4770: God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
        !          4771: %
        !          4772: God rest ye CS students now,
        !          4773: Let nothing you dismay.
        !          4774: The VAX is down and won't be up,
        !          4775: Until the first of May.
        !          4776: The program that was due this morn,
        !          4777: Won't be postponed, they say.
        !          4778: 
        !          4779:        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
        !          4780:        Comfort and joy,
        !          4781:        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
        !          4782: 
        !          4783: The bearings on the drum are gone,
        !          4784: The disk is wobbling, too.
        !          4785: We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
        !          4786: Can't tell false from true.
        !          4787: And now we find that we can't get
        !          4788: At Berkeley's 4.2.
        !          4789: 
        !          4790:        (chorus)
        !          4791: %
        !          4792: Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
        !          4793: school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
        !          4794: person a car.
        !          4795: %
        !          4796: Gold, n.:
        !          4797:        A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
        !          4798: is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
        !          4799: immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
        !          4800: hasn't done anything to them.
        !          4801:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          4802: %
        !          4803: Goldenstern's Rules:
        !          4804:        (1) Always hire a rich attorney
        !          4805:        (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
        !          4806: %
        !          4807: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
        !          4808: example.
        !          4809:                -- La Rouchefoucauld
        !          4810: %
        !          4811: Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
        !          4812: %
        !          4813: Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
        !          4814: %
        !          4815: Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
        !          4816: %
        !          4817: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
        !          4818: %
        !          4819: Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
        !          4820: %
        !          4821: Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
        !          4822: %
        !          4823: Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
        !          4824: %
        !          4825: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
        !          4826: new lover.
        !          4827: %
        !          4828: "Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored."
        !          4829:                -- George Saunders' dying words
        !          4830: %
        !          4831: Gordon's first law:
        !          4832:        If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
        !          4833: well.
        !          4834: %
        !          4835: "Gosh that takes me back ... or forward.  That's the trouble with time
        !          4836: travel, you never can tell."
        !          4837:                -- Dr. Who
        !          4838: %
        !          4839: Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
        !          4840: time travel, you never can tell."
        !          4841:                -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
        !          4842: %
        !          4843: Got Mole problems?
        !          4844: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
        !          4845: %
        !          4846: Goto, n.:
        !          4847:        A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
        !          4848: to complain about unstructured programmers.
        !          4849:                -- Ray Simard
        !          4850: %
        !          4851: Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
        !          4852:                -- John Updike, "Couples"
        !          4853: %
        !          4854: Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
        !          4855: different lies.
        !          4856: %
        !          4857: Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
        !          4858: any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
        !          4859: doesn't know much.
        !          4860:                -- Will Rogers
        !          4861: %
        !          4862: Grabel's Law:
        !          4863:        2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
        !          4864: %
        !          4865: Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
        !          4866: %
        !          4867: Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
        !          4868: %
        !          4869: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        !          4870:        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
        !          4871: %
        !          4872: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
        !          4873: %
        !          4874: Gray's Law of Programming:
        !          4875:        `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        !          4876: time as `_n' tasks.
        !          4877: 
        !          4878: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        !          4879:        `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
        !          4880: %
        !          4881: Great minds run in great circles.
        !          4882: %
        !          4883:        GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
        !          4884: 
        !          4885: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
        !          4886: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
        !          4887: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
        !          4888: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
        !          4889: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
        !          4890: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
        !          4891: stood lookout.
        !          4892: %
        !          4893: Green light in a.m. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
        !          4894: tickets.
        !          4895: %
        !          4896: Greener's Law:
        !          4897:        Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
        !          4898: %
        !          4899: Grelb's Reminder:
        !          4900:        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        !          4901: average drivers.
        !          4902: %
        !          4903: "Grub first, then ethics."
        !          4904:                -- Bertolt Brecht
        !          4905: %
        !          4906: Gurmlish, n.:
        !          4907:        The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
        !          4908: prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
        !          4909: mouth.
        !          4910:                -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
        !          4911: %
        !          4912: Gyroscope, n.:
        !          4913:        A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
        !          4914: free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
        !          4915: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
        !          4916: mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
        !          4917: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
        !          4918: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
        !          4919: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
        !          4920:                -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
        !          4921: %
        !          4922: H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
        !          4923: Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
        !          4924:                -- Maxwell Bodenheim
        !          4925: %
        !          4926: H. L. Mencken's Law:
        !          4927:        Those who can -- do.
        !          4928:        Those who can't -- teach.
        !          4929: 
        !          4930: Martin's Extension:
        !          4931:        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
        !          4932: %
        !          4933: H:     If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
        !          4934:        Slice him up before he slays you.
        !          4935:        Nothing makes you look a slob
        !          4936:        Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
        !          4937:                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        !          4938: %
        !          4939: Hacker's Law:
        !          4940:        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
        !          4941: nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
        !          4942: %
        !          4943: Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
        !          4944: %
        !          4945: ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
        !          4946: and you would not have been informed.
        !          4947: %
        !          4948: Hail to the sun god
        !          4949: He sure is a fun god
        !          4950: Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
        !          4951: %
        !          4952: Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
        !          4953: enough majority in any town?
        !          4954:                -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
        !          4955: %
        !          4956: Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
        !          4957: %
        !          4958: Half-done:
        !          4959:        This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
        !          4960: crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
        !          4961: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
        !          4962: the difference between life and death.
        !          4963:        You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
        !          4964: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
        !          4965: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
        !          4966: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
        !          4967: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
        !          4968: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
        !          4969: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
        !          4970:        Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
        !          4971:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          4972: %
        !          4973: Hall's Laws of Politics:
        !          4974:        (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
        !          4975:        (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
        !          4976:            fixed.
        !          4977:        (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
        !          4978:            military spending, and conservatives social spending in
        !          4979:            their own districts).
        !          4980: %
        !          4981: Hand, n.:
        !          4982:        A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
        !          4983: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
        !          4984:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4985: %
        !          4986: Hanlon's Razor:
        !          4987:        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        !          4988: stupidity.
        !          4989: %
        !          4990: Hanson's Treatment of Time:
        !          4991:        There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
        !          4992: before Saturday.
        !          4993: %
        !          4994: Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
        !          4995:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          4996: %
        !          4997: Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
        !          4998:                -- Oscar Levant
        !          4999: %
        !          5000: Happiness, n.:
        !          5001:        An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
        !          5002: another.
        !          5003:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5004: %
        !          5005: Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
        !          5006: %
        !          5007: Hardware, n.:
        !          5008:        The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
        !          5009: %
        !          5010: Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand
        !          5011: convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
        !          5012:                -- Tobias Smollet
        !          5013: %
        !          5014: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
        !          5015: The Duke is fond of kittens
        !          5016: He likes to take their insides out
        !          5017: And use them for his mittens
        !          5018:        From "The Thirteen Clocks"
        !          5019: %
        !          5020: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
        !          5021: Advertising wondrous things.
        !          5022:                -- Tom Lehrer
        !          5023: %
        !          5024: Harris's Lament:
        !          5025:        All the good ones are taken.
        !          5026: %
        !          5027: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        !          5028:        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
        !          5029: ruined.
        !          5030: %
        !          5031: Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
        !          5032: makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
        !          5033: famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
        !          5034: probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
        !          5035: have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
        !          5036: enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
        !          5037: attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
        !          5038: down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
        !          5039: just like Richard Nixon."
        !          5040:                -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
        !          5041: %
        !          5042: Hartley's First Law:
        !          5043:        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        !          5044: on his back, you've got something.
        !          5045: %
        !          5046: Hartley's Second Law:
        !          5047:        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
        !          5048: %
        !          5049: Harvard Law:
        !          5050:        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
        !          5051: temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
        !          5052: do as it damn well pleases.
        !          5053: %
        !          5054: "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
        !          5055: "Yes, I don't have one."
        !          5056: "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
        !          5057:                -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
        !          5058: %
        !          5059: Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
        !          5060: typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
        !          5061: keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
        !          5062: of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
        !          5063: not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
        !          5064: %
        !          5065:                        Has your family tried 'em?
        !          5066: 
        !          5067:                           POWDERMILK BISCUITS
        !          5068: 
        !          5069:                 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
        !          5070: 
        !          5071:           They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
        !          5072:           strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
        !          5073: 
        !          5074:                           POWDERMILK BISCUITS
        !          5075: 
        !          5076:        Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
        !          5077:        biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
        !          5078:                         that indicate freshness.
        !          5079: %
        !          5080: Hatred, n.:
        !          5081:        A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
        !          5082: superiority.
        !          5083:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5084: %
        !          5085: Have an adequate day.
        !          5086: %
        !          5087: Have an adequate day.
        !          5088: %
        !          5089: Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
        !          5090: to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
        !          5091: non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
        !          5092: 
        !          5093: Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
        !          5094: still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
        !          5095: only serves to blunt the warning signs.
        !          5096: 
        !          5097:                Long live the revolution!
        !          5098:                Have a nice day.
        !          5099: %
        !          5100: Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
        !          5101: you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
        !          5102: for play?
        !          5103: %
        !          5104: Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs,
        !          5105: I mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container
        !          5106: filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
        !          5107: sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in
        !          5108: their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
        !          5109: mass murderers.  They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
        !          5110: they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
        !          5111:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          5112: %
        !          5113: "Have you lived here all your life?"
        !          5114: "Oh, twice that long."
        !          5115: %
        !          5116: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
        !          5117: crack in your sidewalk?
        !          5118: %
        !          5119: Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
        !          5120: sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
        !          5121:                -- Dr. Who
        !          5122: %
        !          5123: Have you reconsidered a computer career?
        !          5124: %
        !          5125: "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
        !          5126: effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
        !          5127: perversion."
        !          5128:                -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
        !          5129: %
        !          5130: "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
        !          5131: %
        !          5132: He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
        !          5133: perfectly delightful.
        !          5134:                -- Sydney Smith
        !          5135: %
        !          5136: He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
        !          5137: heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
        !          5138: of ever behaving "normally."
        !          5139:                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
        !          5140: %
        !          5141: He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
        !          5142:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          5143: %
        !          5144: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
        !          5145:                -- Mark Twain
        !          5146: %
        !          5147: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
        !          5148: %
        !          5149: He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
        !          5150:                -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
        !          5151: %
        !          5152: He thought he saw an albatross
        !          5153: That fluttered 'round the lamp.
        !          5154: He looked again and saw it was
        !          5155: A penny postage stamp.
        !          5156: "You'd best be getting home," he said,
        !          5157: "The nights are rather damp."
        !          5158: %
        !          5159: He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
        !          5160:                -- Jonathon Swift
        !          5161: %
        !          5162: "He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him
        !          5163: insufferable."
        !          5164: %
        !          5165: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
        !          5166: eyes ..."
        !          5167: %
        !          5168: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
        !          5169: attacks democracy itself.
        !          5170:                -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
        !          5171: %
        !          5172: He who Laughs, Lasts.
        !          5173: %
        !          5174: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
        !          5175: %
        !          5176: He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
        !          5177: there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
        !          5178: %
        !          5179: "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
        !          5180: %
        !          5181: HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
        !          5182: SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
        !          5183:                -- Walt Kelley
        !          5184: %
        !          5185: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
        !          5186: %
        !          5187: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
        !          5188: of nothing.
        !          5189:                -- Redd Foxx
        !          5190: %
        !          5191: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
        !          5192: of nothing.
        !          5193:                -- Redd Foxx
        !          5194: %
        !          5195: Heaven, n.:
        !          5196:        A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
        !          5197: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
        !          5198: expound your own.
        !          5199:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5200: %
        !          5201: Heavy, adj.:
        !          5202:        Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
        !          5203: %
        !          5204: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
        !          5205: %
        !          5206: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
        !          5207:                -- Milton Friedman
        !          5208: %
        !          5209: Heller's Law:
        !          5210:        The first myth of management is that it exists.
        !          5211: 
        !          5212: Johnson's Corollary:
        !          5213:        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        !          5214: organization.
        !          5215: %
        !          5216: "Hello," he lied.
        !          5217:                -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
        !          5218: %
        !          5219: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
        !          5220: %
        !          5221: Help fight continental drift.
        !          5222: %
        !          5223: Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
        !          5224: %
        !          5225: Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
        !          5226: %
        !          5227: Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
        !          5228: %
        !          5229: HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
        !          5230:                -- E. E. CUMMINGS
        !          5231: %
        !          5232: Her locks an ancient lady gave
        !          5233: Her loving husband's life to save;
        !          5234: And men -- they honored so the dame --
        !          5235: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
        !          5236: 
        !          5237: But to our modern married fair,
        !          5238: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
        !          5239: No stellar recognition's given.
        !          5240: There are not stars enough in heaven.
        !          5241: %
        !          5242: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
        !          5243: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
        !          5244: %
        !          5245: Here I sit, broken-hearted,
        !          5246: All logged in, but work unstarted.
        !          5247: First net.this and net.that,
        !          5248: And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
        !          5249: 
        !          5250: The boss comes by, and I play the game,
        !          5251: Then I turn back to net.flame.
        !          5252: Is there a cure (I need your views),
        !          5253: For someone trapped in net.news?
        !          5254: 
        !          5255: I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
        !          5256: 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
        !          5257: %
        !          5258: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
        !          5259:        I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
        !          5260: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
        !          5261:        I'm Salome, moon of the East.
        !          5262: 
        !          5263: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
        !          5264:        Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
        !          5265: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
        !          5266:        With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
        !          5267: 
        !          5268: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
        !          5269:        At whose beckoning history shook.
        !          5270: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
        !          5271:        So I stay at home with a book.
        !          5272:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          5273: %
        !          5274: Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
        !          5275: lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
        !          5276: your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
        !          5277: Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
        !          5278: pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
        !          5279: but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
        !          5280: important electrical lesson.
        !          5281: 
        !          5282: It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
        !          5283: your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
        !          5284: objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
        !          5285: attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
        !          5286: collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
        !          5287: friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
        !          5288: carpet, thus completing the circuit.
        !          5289: 
        !          5290: Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
        !          5291: touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
        !          5292: finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
        !          5293: have carpeting.
        !          5294:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          5295: %
        !          5296:        Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
        !          5297: month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
        !          5298: are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
        !          5299:        The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
        !          5300: (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
        !          5301: tadpole".
        !          5302:        Bite the wax tadpole.
        !          5303:        There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
        !          5304:        The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
        !          5305: hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
        !          5306: bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
        !          5307: but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
        !          5308:                -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
        !          5309: %
        !          5310: "Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
        !          5311: `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
        !          5312:                -- Jay Leno
        !          5313: %
        !          5314: Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
        !          5315: then they'd be algorithms.
        !          5316: %
        !          5317: "Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
        !          5318:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          5319: %
        !          5320: Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
        !          5321: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
        !          5322: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
        !          5323: %
        !          5324: "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
        !          5325: As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
        !          5326: equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
        !          5327: Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
        !          5328: probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
        !          5329: course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
        !          5330: experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
        !          5331: of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
        !          5332: 
        !          5333: "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
        !          5334: motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
        !          5335:                -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
        !          5336: %
        !          5337: Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
        !          5338: Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
        !          5339: Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,    Here lies a man with sundry flaws
        !          5340: Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.     And numerous Sins upon his head;
        !          5341:                                        We buried him today because
        !          5342:                                        As far as we can tell, he's dead.
        !          5343:                -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
        !          5344:                   Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
        !          5345:                   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
        !          5346:                   Schickele
        !          5347: %
        !          5348: Higgeldy Piggeldy,
        !          5349: Hamlet of Elsinore
        !          5350: Ruffled the critics by
        !          5351: Dropping this bomb:
        !          5352: "Phooey on Freud and his
        !          5353: Psychoanalysis --
        !          5354: Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
        !          5355: I just love Mom."
        !          5356: %
        !          5357: Hindsight is an exact science.
        !          5358: %
        !          5359: Hippogriff, n.:
        !          5360:        An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
        !          5361: The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
        !          5362: The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
        !          5363: is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
        !          5364: of surprises.
        !          5365:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5366: %
        !          5367: Hire the morally handicapped.
        !          5368: %
        !          5369: "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
        !          5370: money, he went to Southern California."
        !          5371: %
        !          5372: "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
        !          5373:                -- Foghorn Leghorn
        !          5374: %
        !          5375: "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
        !          5376: %
        !          5377: History is curious stuff
        !          5378:        You'd think by now we had enough
        !          5379: Yet the fact remains I fear
        !          5380:        They make more of it every year.
        !          5381: %
        !          5382: History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
        !          5383: %
        !          5384: History, n.:
        !          5385:        Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
        !          5386: learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from
        !          5387: what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long
        !          5388: view.
        !          5389:                -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
        !          5390: %
        !          5391: Hlade's Law:
        !          5392:        If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
        !          5393: will find an easier way to do it.
        !          5394: %
        !          5395: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        !          5396:        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        !          5397: out.
        !          5398: %
        !          5399: Hofstadter's Law:
        !          5400:        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        !          5401: Hofstadter's Law into account.
        !          5402: %
        !          5403: Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
        !          5404:                -- Rex Reed
        !          5405: %
        !          5406:        Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
        !          5407: willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
        !          5408: for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
        !          5409: "shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home
        !          5410: centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
        !          5411: trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
        !          5412: because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
        !          5413: object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
        !          5414:        Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
        !          5415: broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
        !          5416: a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
        !          5417: inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
        !          5418: same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
        !          5419: an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
        !          5420: these sometime around the middle of next week".
        !          5421:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          5422: %
        !          5423: Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
        !          5424: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
        !          5425:                -- Chris Shaw
        !          5426: %
        !          5427: "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
        !          5428: %
        !          5429: Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
        !          5430:                -- F. M. Hubbard
        !          5431: %
        !          5432: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
        !          5433: %
        !          5434: Honk if you love peace and quiet.
        !          5435: %
        !          5436: Honorable, adj.:
        !          5437:        Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
        !          5438: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
        !          5439: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
        !          5440:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5441: %
        !          5442: Horngren's Observation:
        !          5443:        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
        !          5444: %
        !          5445: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
        !          5446: people.
        !          5447:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          5448: %
        !          5449: Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
        !          5450: %
        !          5451: "Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed."
        !          5452:                -- Neil Armstrong
        !          5453: %
        !          5454: How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
        !          5455: %
        !          5456: How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
        !          5457: %
        !          5458: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
        !          5459: %
        !          5460: "How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
        !          5461: %
        !          5462: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
        !          5463:                -- Elliot, "E.T."
        !          5464: %
        !          5465: How doth the little crocodile
        !          5466:        Improve his shining tail,
        !          5467: And pour the waters of the Nile
        !          5468:        On every golden scale!
        !          5469: 
        !          5470: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
        !          5471:        How neatly spreads his claws,
        !          5472: And welcomes little fishes in,
        !          5473:        With gently smiling jaws!
        !          5474:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !          5475: %
        !          5476: How doth the VAX's C compiler
        !          5477: Improve its object code.
        !          5478: And even as we speak does it
        !          5479: Increase the system load.
        !          5480: 
        !          5481: How patiently it seems to run
        !          5482: And spit out error flags,
        !          5483: While users, with frustration, all
        !          5484: Tear their clothes to rags.
        !          5485: %
        !          5486: How doth the VAX's C-compiler
        !          5487: Improve its object code.
        !          5488: And even as we speak does it
        !          5489: Increase the system load.
        !          5490: 
        !          5491: How patiently it seems to run
        !          5492: And spit out error flags,
        !          5493: While users, with frustration, all
        !          5494: Tear all their clothes to rags.
        !          5495: %
        !          5496: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
        !          5497: on.
        !          5498: %
        !          5499: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          5500: None: "We'll fix it in software."
        !          5501: 
        !          5502: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          5503: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
        !          5504: 
        !          5505: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          5506: None: "The user can work it out."
        !          5507: %
        !          5508: "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
        !          5509: carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
        !          5510: 
        !          5511: Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
        !          5512: d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
        !          5513: what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
        !          5514: say:  "This is cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it
        !          5515: back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another
        !          5516: cheese!" and so on.
        !          5517:                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
        !          5518: %
        !          5519:        How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
        !          5520: 3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
        !          5521: who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
        !          5522: nanocentury.
        !          5523:                -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
        !          5524: %
        !          5525: How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
        !          5526: Dayton?
        !          5527:                -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
        !          5528: %
        !          5529: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
        !          5530: %
        !          5531: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
        !          5532: %
        !          5533: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        !          5534:        #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
        !          5535: %
        !          5536: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        !          5537:        #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
        !          5538: %
        !          5539: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        !          5540: 
        !          5541:        #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
        !          5542:             you.
        !          5543: %
        !          5544: Howe's Law:
        !          5545:        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
        !          5546: %
        !          5547: However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
        !          5548: manner ... sulking and nausea.
        !          5549:                -- Tom K. Ryan
        !          5550: %
        !          5551: HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
        !          5552: motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
        !          5553: amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
        !          5554: The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
        !          5555: Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
        !          5556: bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
        !          5557: the bill.  Agreed to.
        !          5558:                -- Albuquerque Journal
        !          5559: %
        !          5560:        Hug O' War
        !          5561: 
        !          5562: I will not play at tug o' war.
        !          5563: I'd rather play at hug o' war,
        !          5564: Where everyone hugs
        !          5565: Instead of tugs,
        !          5566: Where everyone giggles
        !          5567: And rolls on the rug,
        !          5568: Where everyone kisses,
        !          5569: And everyone grins,
        !          5570: And everyone cuddles,
        !          5571: And everyone wins.
        !          5572:                -- Shel Silverstein
        !          5573: %
        !          5574: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
        !          5575: %
        !          5576: Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
        !          5577: 1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
        !          5578: operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
        !          5579: catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
        !          5580: his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
        !          5581: the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
        !          5582: Nobel Prize.
        !          5583: %
        !          5584: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
        !          5585: %
        !          5586: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
        !          5587:                -- William Gilbert
        !          5588: %
        !          5589: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        !          5590:        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        !          5591: to ..... to ........ uh ..............
        !          5592: %
        !          5593: I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
        !          5594: professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
        !          5595: other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
        !          5596:                -- Richard M. Nixon
        !          5597: 
        !          5598: What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
        !          5599:                -- Richard M. Nixon
        !          5600: %
        !          5601: "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
        !          5602: have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
        !          5603: This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
        !          5604: reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go
        !          5605: by some more."
        !          5606:                -- [email protected]
        !          5607: %
        !          5608: I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
        !          5609: %
        !          5610: "I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
        !          5611:                -- Paul McCracken
        !          5612: %
        !          5613: "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
        !          5614:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !          5615: %
        !          5616: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
        !          5617:                -- Dennis Ritchie
        !          5618: %
        !          5619: "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
        !          5620:                -- English Professor
        !          5621: %
        !          5622: "I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
        !          5623: great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
        !          5624:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          5625: %
        !          5626: "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
        !          5627: has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
        !          5628:                -- English Professor, Ohio University
        !          5629: %
        !          5630: I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
        !          5631: with an option to buy.
        !          5632: %
        !          5633: "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
        !          5634: %
        !          5635: "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
        !          5636: of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
        !          5637: you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
        !          5638: atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
        !          5639: inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering."
        !          5640:                -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
        !          5641: %
        !          5642: "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
        !          5643: the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
        !          5644: you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
        !          5645:                -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
        !          5646:                   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
        !          5647: %
        !          5648: "I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
        !          5649: argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
        !          5650: steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
        !          5651: they don't even invite me."
        !          5652:                -- Dave Barry
        !          5653: %
        !          5654: 'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
        !          5655:                -- G. K. Chesterton
        !          5656: %
        !          5657: "I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat."
        !          5658:                -- Will Rogers
        !          5659: %
        !          5660: "I bet the human brain is a kludge."
        !          5661:                -- Marvin Minsky
        !          5662: %
        !          5663: I brake for chezlogs!
        !          5664: %
        !          5665: I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
        !          5666:                -- Biff Barf
        !          5667: %
        !          5668: I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
        !          5669: prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
        !          5670: bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
        !          5671: relentless day.
        !          5672:                -- Betty MacDonald
        !          5673: %
        !          5674: I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
        !          5675: %
        !          5676: "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
        !          5677: 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
        !          5678: true."
        !          5679:                -- Harry Truman
        !          5680: %
        !          5681: "I can resist anything but temptation."
        !          5682: %
        !          5683: "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
        !          5684:                -- Joe Walsh
        !          5685: %
        !          5686: "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
        !          5687:                -- Florence Henderson
        !          5688: %
        !          5689: I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
        !          5690: understand it.
        !          5691:                -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
        !          5692: %
        !          5693: I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
        !          5694: novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
        !          5695:                -- Fred Allen
        !          5696: %
        !          5697: "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
        !          5698:                -- Lillian Hellman
        !          5699: %
        !          5700: I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
        !          5701: of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
        !          5702:                -- F. H. Wales (1936)
        !          5703: %
        !          5704: I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
        !          5705: 
        !          5706: What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
        !          5707: grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
        !          5708: of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
        !          5709: United States would have lost World War II."
        !          5710:                -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
        !          5711: %
        !          5712:        "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
        !          5713: voice.
        !          5714:        "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
        !          5715: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
        !          5716: I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
        !          5717: Elven-lore:
        !          5718: 
        !          5719:        "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
        !          5720:        Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
        !          5721:        Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
        !          5722:        This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
        !          5723:        The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
        !          5724:        The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
        !          5725:        If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
        !          5726:        If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
        !          5727: %
        !          5728: " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
        !          5729: instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
        !          5730: standing still ..."
        !          5731:                -- Steven Wright
        !          5732: %
        !          5733: I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
        !          5734: dance with the cows till you come home.
        !          5735:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          5736: %
        !          5737: "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps
        !          5738: the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
        !          5739:                -- Peter Oakley
        !          5740: %
        !          5741: "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
        !          5742: %
        !          5743: I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The
        !          5744: curtain was up.
        !          5745: %
        !          5746:        I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
        !          5747: we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
        !          5748: leads to violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
        !          5749: in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
        !          5750: time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
        !          5751: library, we could call each other up:
        !          5752: 
        !          5753:      You: Hello?  Bob?
        !          5754:      Bob: Yes?
        !          5755:      You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
        !          5756:           took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
        !          5757:      Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
        !          5758:      You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
        !          5759:          "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
        !          5760:          I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
        !          5761:          and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
        !          5762:          the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
        !          5763:          have to get back to you.
        !          5764:      Bob: Fine.
        !          5765:                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
        !          5766: %
        !          5767: I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
        !          5768: exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
        !          5769: minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
        !          5770: accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
        !          5771: mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the
        !          5772: bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
        !          5773: different.
        !          5774:                -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
        !          5775: %
        !          5776: "I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them."
        !          5777:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          5778: %
        !          5779: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
        !          5780: with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
        !          5781:                -- Galileo Galilei
        !          5782: %
        !          5783: "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
        !          5784:                -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
        !          5785: %
        !          5786: "I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
        !          5787: don't believe in astrology."
        !          5788:                -- James R. F. Quirk
        !          5789: %
        !          5790: I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
        !          5791: a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
        !          5792: numbers!!
        !          5793: %
        !          5794: I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
        !          5795: a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
        !          5796:                -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
        !          5797: %
        !          5798: "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
        !          5799: nominating"
        !          5800:                -- Boss Tweed
        !          5801: %
        !          5802: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
        !          5803:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          5804: %
        !          5805: "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
        !          5806: people waiting to abuse me."
        !          5807:                -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
        !          5808: %
        !          5809: I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
        !          5810:                -- Elvis Presley
        !          5811: %
        !          5812: "I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to."
        !          5813:                -- Elvis Presley
        !          5814: %
        !          5815:        "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
        !          5816:        Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
        !          5817: till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
        !          5818: you!'"
        !          5819:        "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
        !          5820: objected.
        !          5821:        "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
        !          5822: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
        !          5823: less."
        !          5824:        "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
        !          5825: so many different things."
        !          5826:        "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
        !          5827: that's all."
        !          5828:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          5829: %
        !          5830: "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
        !          5831: eat it, and I just hate it."
        !          5832:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          5833: %
        !          5834: "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
        !          5835:                -- Ronald Mabbitt
        !          5836: %
        !          5837: I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
        !          5838: streets and frighten the horses.
        !          5839:                -- Victor Hugo
        !          5840: %
        !          5841: "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
        !          5842: %
        !          5843: "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
        !          5844: %
        !          5845: "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
        !          5846: hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
        !          5847: %
        !          5848: I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
        !          5849: the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
        !          5850: thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
        !          5851: broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
        !          5852: Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
        !          5853: their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
        !          5854:                -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
        !          5855:                   COMING!"
        !          5856: %
        !          5857: I doubt, therefore I might be.
        !          5858: %
        !          5859: "I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
        !          5860: on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
        !          5861: he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
        !          5862: becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
        !          5863:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          5864: %
        !          5865: "I drink to make other people interesting."
        !          5866:                -- George Jean Nathan
        !          5867: %
        !          5868: I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
        !          5869: so I woke up from sheer boredom.
        !          5870: %
        !          5871: I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
        !          5872: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
        !          5873: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
        !          5874: can't be measured in monetary terms.
        !          5875: 
        !          5876: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
        !          5877: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
        !          5878: subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
        !          5879: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
        !          5880: understand his long delay.
        !          5881: %
        !          5882: "I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
        !          5883: %
        !          5884: "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
        !          5885: reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
        !          5886:                -- Gotama Buddha
        !          5887: %
        !          5888: I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
        !          5889: minutes of my life!
        !          5890: %
        !          5891: 'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
        !          5892:                -- Mae West
        !          5893: %
        !          5894: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
        !          5895:        Pick up the paper, read the obits.
        !          5896: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
        !          5897:        So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
        !          5898: %
        !          5899: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
        !          5900: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
        !          5901: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
        !          5902: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
        !          5903: 
        !          5904: Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
        !          5905: My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
        !          5906: But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
        !          5907: And think of the places my get-up has been.
        !          5908:                -- Pete Seeger
        !          5909: %
        !          5910: "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
        !          5911: Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
        !          5912:                -- Mary Lou Bax
        !          5913: %
        !          5914: "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
        !          5915: %
        !          5916: "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
        !          5917: it's going to be up all night."
        !          5918:                -- Steven Wright
        !          5919: %
        !          5920: "I hate quotations."
        !          5921:                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
        !          5922: %
        !          5923: I have a simple philosophy:
        !          5924: 
        !          5925:        Fill what's empty.
        !          5926:        Empty what's full.
        !          5927:        Scratch where it itches.
        !          5928:                -- A. R. Longworth
        !          5929: %
        !          5930: "I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
        !          5931: any time!"
        !          5932: %
        !          5933: "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
        !          5934: which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
        !          5935:                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
        !          5936: %
        !          5937: I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
        !          5938: and they never believe me.
        !          5939:                -- Camillo Di Cavour
        !          5940: %
        !          5941: I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
        !          5942:                -- Edgar Allan Poe
        !          5943: %
        !          5944: "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You
        !          5945: sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
        !          5946: eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I
        !          5947: have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
        !          5948: beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a
        !          5949: guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as more
        !          5950: of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
        !          5951:                -- President Harry S Truman
        !          5952: %
        !          5953: I have learned
        !          5954: To spell hors d'oeuvres
        !          5955: Which still grates on 
        !          5956: Some people's n'oeuvres.
        !          5957:                -- Warren Knox
        !          5958: %
        !          5959: "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
        !          5960: that I have never made one."
        !          5961:                -- James Gordon Bennett
        !          5962: %
        !          5963: "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
        !          5964: make it shorter."
        !          5965:                -- Blaise Pascal
        !          5966: %
        !          5967: I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
        !          5968: ____BODY!
        !          5969:                -- from "Cerebus" #82
        !          5970: %
        !          5971: "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
        !          5972:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          5973: %
        !          5974: "I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."
        !          5975:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          5976: %
        !          5977: "I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
        !          5978: scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
        !          5979:                -- Steven Wright
        !          5980: %
        !          5981: "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
        !          5982:                -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
        !          5983: %
        !          5984: "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
        !          5985: his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
        !          5986: beating up a child."
        !          5987:                -- Steven Wright
        !          5988: %
        !          5989: I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
        !          5990: at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
        !          5991:                -- Poul Anderson
        !          5992: %
        !          5993: "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
        !          5994: %
        !          5995: "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
        !          5996: %
        !          5997: I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
        !          5998: %
        !          5999: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
        !          6000:                -- Bill Hoest
        !          6001: %
        !          6002: I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
        !          6003: %
        !          6004: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
        !          6005: War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
        !          6006:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          6007: %
        !          6008: "I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
        !          6009: The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building."
        !          6010:                -- Charles Schulz
        !          6011: %
        !          6012: "I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
        !          6013:                -- Art Leo
        !          6014: %
        !          6015: I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
        !          6016: promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
        !          6017: peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
        !          6018: the way and let them have it.
        !          6019:                -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
        !          6020: %
        !          6021: "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
        !          6022: %
        !          6023: "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
        !          6024: %
        !          6025: "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what
        !          6026: entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
        !          6027:                -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
        !          6028: %
        !          6029: "I love to eat them Smurfies
        !          6030:  Smurfies what I love to eat
        !          6031:  Bite they ugly heads off,
        !          6032:  Nibble on they bluish feet."
        !          6033: %
        !          6034: "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
        !          6035: don't let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the
        !          6036: speed of light."
        !          6037:                -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
        !          6038: %
        !          6039: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
        !          6040:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          6041: %
        !          6042: "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
        !          6043: week sometimes to make it up."
        !          6044:                -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
        !          6045: %
        !          6046: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
        !          6047: %
        !          6048: "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
        !          6049: was to go away."
        !          6050: %
        !          6051: "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
        !          6052: %
        !          6053: I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
        !          6054:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          6055: %
        !          6056: "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
        !          6057:                -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
        !          6058: %
        !          6059: "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
        !          6060: kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
        !          6061: substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no
        !          6062: restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
        !          6063: made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
        !          6064: powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
        !          6065: nerve disease."
        !          6066:                -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
        !          6067: %
        !          6068: I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
        !          6069: %
        !          6070: "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
        !          6071: slob."
        !          6072:                -- William F. Buckley
        !          6073: %
        !          6074:        "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
        !          6075: that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
        !          6076: more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
        !          6077: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
        !          6078: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
        !          6079: otherwise.'"
        !          6080:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !          6081: %
        !          6082: I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that
        !          6083: the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
        !          6084: congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
        !          6085: so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
        !          6086: plumber.
        !          6087: 
        !          6088: But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
        !          6089: as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
        !          6090: the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
        !          6091: win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
        !          6092: write about, such as nose-picking.
        !          6093:                -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
        !          6094:                   Political Fallout"
        !          6095: %
        !          6096: I really hate this damned machine
        !          6097: I wish that they would sell it.
        !          6098: It never does quite what I want
        !          6099: But only what I tell it.
        !          6100: %
        !          6101: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
        !          6102: %
        !          6103: I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
        !          6104: they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
        !          6105:                -- Will Rogers
        !          6106: %
        !          6107: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
        !          6108: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
        !          6109: Bernoulli would have been content to die
        !          6110: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
        !          6111:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          6112: %
        !          6113: I sent a letter to the fish,
        !          6114: I told them, "This is what I wish."
        !          6115: The little fishes of the sea,
        !          6116: They sent an answer back to me.
        !          6117: The little fishes' answer was
        !          6118: "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
        !          6119: I sent a letter back to say
        !          6120: It would be better to obey.
        !          6121: But someone came to me and said
        !          6122: "The little fishes are in bed."
        !          6123: I said to him, and I said it plain
        !          6124: "Then you must wake them up again."
        !          6125: I said it very loud and clear,
        !          6126: I went and shouted in his ear.
        !          6127: But he was very stiff and proud,
        !          6128: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
        !          6129: And he was very proud and stiff,
        !          6130: He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
        !          6131: I took a kettle from the shelf,
        !          6132: I went to wake them up myself.
        !          6133: But when I found the door was locked
        !          6134: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
        !          6135: And when I found the door was shut,
        !          6136: I tried to turn the handle, But ...
        !          6137: 
        !          6138:        "Is that all?" asked Alice.
        !          6139:        "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
        !          6140:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          6141: %
        !          6142: "I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
        !          6143:                -- Graffito in Los Angeles
        !          6144: %
        !          6145: "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
        !          6146: supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
        !          6147: actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
        !          6148:                -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
        !          6149:                   Points in l'Amour"
        !          6150: %
        !          6151: "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
        !          6152: house and four people died."
        !          6153:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6154: %
        !          6155: "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
        !          6156: see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
        !          6157:                -- Shirley Temple
        !          6158: %
        !          6159: I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
        !          6160: too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
        !          6161: direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
        !          6162: much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
        !          6163: tub to face is up.
        !          6164:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          6165: %
        !          6166: "I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
        !          6167: because I couldn't remember the proof."
        !          6168:                -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
        !          6169: %
        !          6170: "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
        !          6171: %
        !          6172: I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
        !          6173: and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
        !          6174: country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
        !          6175: in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly
        !          6176: not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
        !          6177:                -- Monty Python
        !          6178: %
        !          6179: I think that I shall never see
        !          6180: A billboard lovely as a tree.
        !          6181: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
        !          6182: I'll never see a tree at all.
        !          6183:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          6184: %
        !          6185: I think that I shall never see
        !          6186: A thing as lovely as a tree.
        !          6187: But as you see the trees have gone
        !          6188: They went this morning with the dawn.
        !          6189: A logging firm from out of town
        !          6190: Came and chopped the trees all down.
        !          6191: But I will trick those dirty skunks
        !          6192: And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
        !          6193: %
        !          6194: "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
        !          6195: to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
        !          6196: farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
        !          6197: into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
        !          6198: the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
        !          6199: off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
        !          6200: color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
        !          6201: out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
        !          6202: singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
        !          6203:                -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
        !          6204: %
        !          6205: I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
        !          6206: ... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
        !          6207: we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
        !          6208: When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
        !          6209: are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
        !          6210: driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
        !          6211: Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
        !          6212: were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
        !          6213: conversation ...
        !          6214:                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
        !          6215: %
        !          6216: "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
        !          6217: "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
        !          6218: %
        !          6219: " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
        !          6220: pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
        !          6221:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          6222: %
        !          6223: I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
        !          6224: twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
        !          6225:                -- Woody Allen
        !          6226: %
        !          6227: I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
        !          6228: %
        !          6229: "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
        !          6230: %
        !          6231: "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
        !          6232: %
        !          6233: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
        !          6234: body.  Then I realized who was telling me this."
        !          6235:                -- Emo Phillips
        !          6236: %
        !          6237: I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
        !          6238: near the place.
        !          6239:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6240: %
        !          6241: I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
        !          6242: animals.  I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
        !          6243: anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
        !          6244: safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
        !          6245: warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
        !          6246:                -- Brendan Behan
        !          6247: %
        !          6248: "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
        !          6249: Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
        !          6250: HAW"!!'"
        !          6251:                -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
        !          6252: %
        !          6253: I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
        !          6254: anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
        !          6255: a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
        !          6256: up.
        !          6257:                -- Will Rogers
        !          6258: %
        !          6259: "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
        !          6260: put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
        !          6261: what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
        !          6262: should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
        !          6263: get off my driveway."
        !          6264:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6265: %
        !          6266: "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
        !          6267: didn't know."
        !          6268:                -- Mark Twain
        !          6269: %
        !          6270: I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
        !          6271: their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
        !          6272: buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
        !          6273:                -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
        !          6274: %
        !          6275: "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
        !          6276: house and four people died."
        !          6277:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6278: %
        !          6279: "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
        !          6280: specific".
        !          6281:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6282: %
        !          6283: I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
        !          6284: it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
        !          6285: stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
        !          6286: I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
        !          6287: absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
        !          6288: developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
        !          6289: Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
        !          6290: temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
        !          6291: chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
        !          6292: the point where it would not run at all.
        !          6293:                -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
        !          6294:                   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
        !          6295: %
        !          6296: "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
        !          6297: questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
        !          6298: speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
        !          6299: 
        !          6300: He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
        !          6301: for him then.
        !          6302:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6303: %
        !          6304: "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in
        !          6305: the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
        !          6306: included."
        !          6307:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6308: %
        !          6309: "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
        !          6310: statues that are in all the other museums."
        !          6311:                -- Steven Wright
        !          6312: %
        !          6313: I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
        !          6314: it took seven others to beat him!
        !          6315: %
        !          6316: "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
        !          6317: There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
        !          6318:                -- Gallagher
        !          6319: %
        !          6320: "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
        !          6321: always worked for me."
        !          6322:                -- Hunter S. Thompson
        !          6323: %
        !          6324: "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
        !          6325: %
        !          6326: "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
        !          6327: to undo it."
        !          6328: %
        !          6329: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
        !          6330: %
        !          6331: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
        !          6332: snore."
        !          6333: %
        !          6334: "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
        !          6335: `Y.'"
        !          6336: %
        !          6337: "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
        !          6338: blender."
        !          6339: %
        !          6340: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
        !          6341: garage door."
        !          6342: %
        !          6343: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
        !          6344: Julian to Gregorian."
        !          6345: %
        !          6346: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
        !          6347: static cling."
        !          6348: %
        !          6349: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
        !          6350: %
        !          6351: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
        !          6352: cottage cheese sculpture."
        !          6353: %
        !          6354: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
        !          6355: %
        !          6356: "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
        !          6357: transplant."
        !          6358: %
        !          6359: "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
        !          6360: %
        !          6361: "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
        !          6362: %
        !          6363: "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
        !          6364: came back."
        !          6365: %
        !          6366: "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
        !          6367: tuned."
        !          6368: %
        !          6369: "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
        !          6370: need worrying about."
        !          6371: %
        !          6372: "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
        !          6373: %
        !          6374: "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
        !          6375: carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
        !          6376: I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
        !          6377:                -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
        !          6378: %
        !          6379: I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
        !          6380: listen to it!
        !          6381:                -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
        !          6382: %
        !          6383: I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
        !          6384: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
        !          6385: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
        !          6386: And in our bound partition never part.
        !          6387:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          6388: %
        !          6389: "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
        !          6390: That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
        !          6391:                -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
        !          6392: %
        !          6393: "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
        !          6394: man."
        !          6395: %
        !          6396: I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
        !          6397: %
        !          6398: "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
        !          6399: sister."
        !          6400: %
        !          6401: I'm changing my name to Chrysler
        !          6402: I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
        !          6403: I'll tell some power broker
        !          6404:        What they did for Iacocca
        !          6405: Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
        !          6406: I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
        !          6407: I'm heading for that great receiving line.
        !          6408: When they hand a million grand out,
        !          6409:        I'll be standing with my hand out,
        !          6410: Yessir, I'll get mine!
        !          6411:                -- Tom Paxton
        !          6412: %
        !          6413: I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
        !          6414: %
        !          6415: "I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
        !          6416: %
        !          6417: "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
        !          6418: die in."
        !          6419:                -- George McGovern
        !          6420: %
        !          6421: I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
        !          6422:                -- Fred Allen
        !          6423: %
        !          6424: I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
        !          6425:                -- Spider Robinson
        !          6426: %
        !          6427: ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
        !          6428: KOSHER DELI!!
        !          6429: %
        !          6430: "I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"
        !          6431:                -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
        !          6432: %
        !          6433: i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
        !          6434: living apart.
        !          6435:                -- e. e. cummings
        !          6436: %
        !          6437: I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
        !          6438: N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
        !          6439: I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
        !          6440: She's traversed me seven times before.
        !          6441: And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
        !          6442: Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
        !          6443: I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
        !          6444: N-ary the tree I am, I am,
        !          6445: N-ary the tree I am.
        !          6446: %
        !          6447: "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
        !          6448: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
        !          6449: %
        !          6450: "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
        !          6451: life."
        !          6452: %
        !          6453: I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
        !          6454: -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
        !          6455:                -- Arthur Godfrey
        !          6456: %
        !          6457: I'm rated PG-34!!
        !          6458: %
        !          6459: "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
        !          6460: soon ..."
        !          6461: %
        !          6462: "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
        !          6463: (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
        !          6464:                -- English Professor, Providence College
        !          6465: %
        !          6466: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
        !          6467: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
        !          6468: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
        !          6469: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
        !          6470:                -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
        !          6471: %
        !          6472: "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
        !          6473: lives"
        !          6474: %
        !          6475: I've built a better model than the one at Data General
        !          6476: For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
        !          6477: My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
        !          6478: My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
        !          6479: My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
        !          6480: You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
        !          6481: There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
        !          6482: My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
        !          6483: 
        !          6484: I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
        !          6485: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
        !          6486: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
        !          6487: I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
        !          6488: 
        !          6489:                -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
        !          6490:                   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
        !          6491:                   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
        !          6492: %
        !          6493: I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
        !          6494: %
        !          6495: I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
        !          6496: this little hole in the bottom ...
        !          6497:                -- John Croll
        !          6498: %
        !          6499: I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
        !          6500: %
        !          6501: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
        !          6502:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          6503: %
        !          6504: I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
        !          6505: on the same day.
        !          6506: %
        !          6507: "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
        !          6508: %
        !          6509: "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
        !          6510:                -- Senator Claghorn
        !          6511: %
        !          6512: I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
        !          6513: And from that full meridian of my glory
        !          6514: I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
        !          6515: Like a bright exhalation in the evening
        !          6516: And no man see me more.
        !          6517:                -- Shakespeare
        !          6518: %
        !          6519: IBM had a PL/I,
        !          6520:        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
        !          6521: And everywhere this language went,
        !          6522:        It was a total loss.
        !          6523: %
        !          6524: Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
        !          6525: of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
        !          6526: %
        !          6527: Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
        !          6528: solitary confinement.
        !          6529: %
        !          6530: Idiot Box, n.:
        !          6531:        The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
        !          6532: stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
        !          6533:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          6534: %
        !          6535: Idiot, n.:
        !          6536:        A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
        !          6537: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
        !          6538:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6539: %
        !          6540: If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
        !          6541: at about 30 miles/second.
        !          6542:                -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
        !          6543: %
        !          6544: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
        !          6545:                -- Roy Santoro
        !          6546: %
        !          6547: "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
        !          6548:                -- Paul White
        !          6549: %
        !          6550: If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
        !          6551: forecast is a camel's behind.
        !          6552:                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
        !          6553: %
        !          6554: If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y
        !          6555: is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut.
        !          6556:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          6557: %
        !          6558: If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
        !          6559: passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
        !          6560:                -- T. Cheatham
        !          6561: %
        !          6562: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
        !          6563: hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
        !          6564: it votes guilty.
        !          6565:                -- Joseph C. Goulden
        !          6566: %
        !          6567: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
        !          6568: him up.
        !          6569: %
        !          6570: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
        !          6571: %
        !          6572: If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
        !          6573: dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
        !          6574: maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
        !          6575: must drop.  The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
        !          6576:                -- Donald A. Metz
        !          6577: %
        !          6578: "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
        !          6579: attitude.  If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
        !          6580: playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --
        !          6581: unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
        !          6582: can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
        !          6583:                -- Sparky Anderson
        !          6584: %
        !          6585: If all be true that I do think,
        !          6586: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
        !          6587: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
        !          6588: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
        !          6589: Or any other reason why.
        !          6590: %
        !          6591: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
        !          6592: error.
        !          6593:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          6594: %
        !          6595: If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
        !          6596: platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
        !          6597: that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
        !          6598: %
        !          6599: If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
        !          6600:                -- Paul Beatty
        !          6601: %
        !          6602: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
        !          6603: conclusion.
        !          6604:                -- William Baumol
        !          6605: %
        !          6606: If an S and an I and an O and a U
        !          6607: With an X at the end spell Su;
        !          6608: And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
        !          6609: Pray what is a speller to do?
        !          6610: Then, if also an S and an I and a G
        !          6611: And an HED spell side,
        !          6612: There's nothing much left for a speller to do
        !          6613: But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
        !          6614:                -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
        !          6615: %
        !          6616: If anything can go wrong, it will.
        !          6617: %
        !          6618: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
        !          6619: %
        !          6620: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
        !          6621: %
        !          6622: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
        !          6623: tellers?
        !          6624: %
        !          6625: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
        !          6626: %
        !          6627: If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
        !          6628: %
        !          6629: If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
        !          6630: around a deal faster.
        !          6631:                -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          6632: %
        !          6633: If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
        !          6634: %
        !          6635: ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
        !          6636: the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
        !          6637: asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
        !          6638:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          6639: %
        !          6640: If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
        !          6641: to a can.
        !          6642: %
        !          6643: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
        !          6644: %
        !          6645: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
        !          6646: %
        !          6647: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
        !          6648: Ears.
        !          6649: %
        !          6650: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
        !          6651: Heads.
        !          6652: %
        !          6653: If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
        !          6654: green, baggy skin.
        !          6655: %
        !          6656: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
        !          6657: %
        !          6658: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
        !          6659: invent it.
        !          6660: %
        !          6661: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
        !          6662: hands.
        !          6663: %
        !          6664: If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
        !          6665: %
        !          6666: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
        !          6667: %
        !          6668: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
        !          6669:                -- Yiddish saying
        !          6670: %
        !          6671: If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
        !          6672:                -- Marvin Kitman
        !          6673: %
        !          6674: "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
        !          6675: replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
        !          6676: %
        !          6677: If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
        !          6678:                -- Samuel Goldwyn
        !          6679: %
        !          6680: If I don't drive around the park,
        !          6681: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
        !          6682: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
        !          6683: I may get back my looks again.
        !          6684: If I abstain from fun and such,
        !          6685: I'll probably amount to much;
        !          6686: But I shall stay the way I am,
        !          6687: Because I do not give a damn.
        !          6688:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          6689: %
        !          6690: If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
        !          6691: %
        !          6692: If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
        !          6693: plantation and go home.
        !          6694:                -- Eugene P. Gallagher
        !          6695: %
        !          6696: If I had any humility I would be perfect.
        !          6697:                -- Ted Turner
        !          6698: %
        !          6699: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        !          6700:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          6701: %
        !          6702: If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
        !          6703: shoulders of giants.
        !          6704:                -- Isaac Newton
        !          6705: 
        !          6706: In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
        !          6707: with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
        !          6708:                -- Gerald Holton
        !          6709: 
        !          6710: If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
        !          6711: on my shoulders.
        !          6712:                -- Hal Abelson
        !          6713: 
        !          6714: In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
        !          6715:                -- Brian K. Reid
        !          6716: %
        !          6717: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
        !          6718: 
        !          6719: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
        !          6720: also a psychological interaction.
        !          6721: 
        !          6722: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
        !          6723: friendly.
        !          6724: 
        !          6725: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
        !          6726:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          6727: %
        !          6728: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
        !          6729: As Dame Fortune did intend,
        !          6730: Murphy would be there to tell me
        !          6731: The pot's at the other end.
        !          6732:                -- Bert Whitney
        !          6733: %
        !          6734: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
        !          6735: %
        !          6736: If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
        !          6737: %
        !          6738: If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
        !          6739: They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
        !          6740: of it.
        !          6741:                -- Thomas Carlyle
        !          6742: %
        !          6743: "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
        !          6744: forgot to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
        !          6745: just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
        !          6746: And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
        !          6747: pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
        !          6748: And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
        !          6749: think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
        !          6750: receive Net Mail ..."
        !          6751:                -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
        !          6752: %
        !          6753: If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
        !          6754: %
        !          6755: If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
        !          6756:                -- Tom Robbins
        !          6757: %
        !          6758: If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
        !          6759: you've got in the house.
        !          6760:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          6761: %
        !          6762: If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
        !          6763: the page number.
        !          6764: %
        !          6765: If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
        !          6766: %
        !          6767: "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
        !          6768: little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
        !          6769: Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
        !          6770:                -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
        !          6771: %
        !          6772: If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
        !          6773:                -- A. Einstein.
        !          6774: %
        !          6775: If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
        !          6776: in my name at a Swiss bank.
        !          6777:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          6778: %
        !          6779: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
        !          6780: %
        !          6781: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
        !          6782: having to accomplish anything.
        !          6783: %
        !          6784: If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
        !          6785: he should see how bad it is with representation.
        !          6786: %
        !          6787: If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
        !          6788: arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
        !          6789: physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
        !          6790: entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
        !          6791:                -- Vannevar Bush
        !          6792: %
        !          6793: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
        !          6794: harder.
        !          6795:                -- Pope John Paul I
        !          6796: %
        !          6797: "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
        !          6798:                -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
        !          6799: %
        !          6800: If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
        !          6801: presumably flunk it.
        !          6802:                -- Stanley Garn
        !          6803: %
        !          6804: If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
        !          6805:                -- Norm Schryer
        !          6806: %
        !          6807: If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
        !          6808: get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
        !          6809: See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
        !          6810: the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
        !          6811: that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
        !          6812: college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
        !          6813: and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
        !          6814: rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
        !          6815: Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
        !          6816: interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
        !          6817: opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
        !          6818: himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
        !          6819: boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
        !          6820:                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
        !          6821: %
        !          6822: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
        !          6823: me!"
        !          6824:                -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
        !          6825: %
        !          6826: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
        !          6827: are 50-50 it will.
        !          6828: %
        !          6829: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
        !          6830: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
        !          6831: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
        !          6832: exceed all expectations.
        !          6833:                -- Reverend Chichester
        !          6834: %
        !          6835: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
        !          6836: %
        !          6837: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
        !          6838: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
        !          6839: %
        !          6840: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
        !          6841:                -- Art Hoppe
        !          6842: %
        !          6843: If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
        !          6844: something out of you.
        !          6845:                -- Muhammad Ali
        !          6846: %
        !          6847: If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
        !          6848: %
        !          6849: If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
        !          6850: %
        !          6851: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
        !          6852: %
        !          6853: If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
        !          6854: yesterday?
        !          6855: %
        !          6856: If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
        !          6857: doing the thinking.
        !          6858:                -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
        !          6859: %
        !          6860: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
        !          6861:                -- Laurence J. Peter
        !          6862: %
        !          6863: "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
        !          6864: %
        !          6865: "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
        !          6866: %
        !          6867: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
        !          6868: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
        !          6869: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
        !          6870:                -- Marguerite Emmons
        !          6871: %
        !          6872: If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
        !          6873:                -- Ann Edwards-Duff
        !          6874: %
        !          6875: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
        !          6876:                -- J. Paul Getty
        !          6877: %
        !          6878: If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
        !          6879: %
        !          6880: If you can read this, you're too close.
        !          6881: %
        !          6882: If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
        !          6883: %
        !          6884: If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a
        !          6885: call.
        !          6886: %
        !          6887: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
        !          6888: %
        !          6889: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
        !          6890:                -- Harry S Truman
        !          6891: %
        !          6892: If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
        !          6893: %
        !          6894: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
        !          6895: %
        !          6896: If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
        !          6897:                -- Clarence Day
        !          6898: %
        !          6899: If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
        !          6900:                -- Freeman Dyson
        !          6901: %
        !          6902: "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
        !          6903: Lavoris in the toilet."
        !          6904:                -- Jay Leno
        !          6905: %
        !          6906: If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
        !          6907: either of you for the rest of the day.
        !          6908: %
        !          6909: "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
        !          6910: have to get a toehold in the public eye."
        !          6911: %
        !          6912: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
        !          6913: will.
        !          6914: %
        !          6915: If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
        !          6916: will always do it.
        !          6917:                -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
        !          6918: %
        !          6919: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
        !          6920: make the rubble bounce"
        !          6921:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          6922: %
        !          6923: If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
        !          6924: %
        !          6925: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
        !          6926: %
        !          6927: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
        !          6928: %
        !          6929: If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
        !          6930: boot yourself in the posterior.
        !          6931:                -- A. J. Liebling
        !          6932: %
        !          6933: If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
        !          6934: %
        !          6935: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
        !          6936:                -- Graham Summer
        !          6937: %
        !          6938: If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
        !          6939: people die past the age of a hundred.
        !          6940:                -- George Burns
        !          6941: %
        !          6942: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
        !          6943: really make them think they'll hate you.
        !          6944: %
        !          6945: If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
        !          6946:                -- Maslow
        !          6947: %
        !          6948: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
        !          6949: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
        !          6950: develop.
        !          6951: %
        !          6952: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
        !          6953: you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
        !          6954:                -- Mark Twain
        !          6955: %
        !          6956: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
        !          6957: you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
        !          6958: ice, but no cup.
        !          6959: %
        !          6960: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
        !          6961: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
        !          6962: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
        !          6963: %
        !          6964: If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
        !          6965: the sucker.
        !          6966: %
        !          6967: If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
        !          6968: %
        !          6969: If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
        !          6970: It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 
        !          6971:        Or some joker who is slicker,
        !          6972:        Will trick you of your liquor,
        !          6973: If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
        !          6974: %
        !          6975: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
        !          6976:                -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
        !          6977: %
        !          6978: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
        !          6979: tomorrow!
        !          6980: %
        !          6981: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
        !          6982: payments.
        !          6983:                -- Earl Wilson
        !          6984: %
        !          6985: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
        !          6986:                -- Arthur Kasspe
        !          6987: %
        !          6988: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
        !          6989: shopping center in the world?
        !          6990:                -- Richard M. Nixon
        !          6991: %
        !          6992: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
        !          6993: shopping center in the world?
        !          6994:                -- Richard Nixon
        !          6995: %
        !          6996: If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
        !          6997: be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
        !          6998: you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw
        !          6999: another party next year.
        !          7000: 
        !          7001: What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
        !          7002: several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
        !          7003: been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
        !          7004: avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
        !          7005: parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
        !          7006: having another one ...
        !          7007: 
        !          7008: If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
        !          7009: your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
        !          7010: through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
        !          7011: that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
        !          7012: someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
        !          7013: %
        !          7014: If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
        !          7015: end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
        !          7016:                -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
        !          7017: %
        !          7018: "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
        !          7019:                -- A. L.
        !          7020: %
        !          7021: If you want divine justice, die.
        !          7022:                -- Nick Seldon
        !          7023: %
        !          7024: If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
        !          7025: he gave it to.
        !          7026:                -- Dorthy Parker
        !          7027: %
        !          7028: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
        !          7029: Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
        !          7030: statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
        !          7031: telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
        !          7032: titles beginning with the word "National".
        !          7033:                -- George Will
        !          7034: %
        !          7035: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
        !          7036: word you say, talk in your sleep.
        !          7037: %
        !          7038: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
        !          7039: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
        !          7040: even if they don't know what it means."
        !          7041:                -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
        !          7042: %
        !          7043: If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
        !          7044: %
        !          7045: If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
        !          7046: tomorrow morning, sleep late.
        !          7047:                -- Henny Youngman
        !          7048: %
        !          7049: If you're happy, you're successful.
        !          7050: %
        !          7051:        If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
        !          7052: around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
        !          7053: explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
        !          7054: "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
        !          7055: deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
        !          7056: better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
        !          7057: with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
        !          7058: you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
        !          7059: successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
        !          7060:        And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
        !          7061: You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How
        !          7062: difficult can it be?"
        !          7063:        Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,
        !          7064: which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying
        !          7065: other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
        !          7066: yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.
        !          7067:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          7068: %
        !          7069: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        !          7070: %
        !          7071: If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
        !          7072:                -- Benjamin Disraeli
        !          7073: %
        !          7074: If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
        !          7075: %
        !          7076: "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
        !          7077: it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
        !          7078: universe?"
        !          7079: %
        !          7080: If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
        !          7081:                -- Ronald Reagan
        !          7082: %
        !          7083: Ignisecond, n.:
        !          7084:        The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
        !          7085: door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
        !          7086:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          7087: %
        !          7088: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
        !          7089:        Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
        !          7090: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
        !          7091:        Et le m^omerade horgrave.
        !          7092:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          7093: %
        !          7094: Iles's Law:
        !          7095:        There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
        !          7096: at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
        !          7097: Neither will Iles.
        !          7098: %
        !          7099: Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
        !          7100: land He's trying to ignore.
        !          7101: %
        !          7102: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
        !          7103:                -- Jules de Gaultier
        !          7104: %
        !          7105: "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
        !          7106: usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
        !          7107: thinks of complaining."
        !          7108:                -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
        !          7109: %
        !          7110: Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
        !          7111: a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
        !          7112: storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
        !          7113: voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
        !          7114: What's the first question that the computer community asks?
        !          7115: 
        !          7116: "Is it PC compatible?"
        !          7117: %
        !          7118: Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
        !          7119:                -- Jack Paar
        !          7120: %
        !          7121: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
        !          7122:                -- Edgar A. Shoaff
        !          7123: %
        !          7124: Impartial, adj.:
        !          7125:        Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
        !          7126: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
        !          7127: conflicting opinions.
        !          7128:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7129: %
        !          7130: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
        !          7131: mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
        !          7132: Boss is reading it.
        !          7133: %
        !          7134: Impossible, adj.:
        !          7135:        (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
        !          7136: (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
        !          7137: perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
        !          7138:                -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
        !          7139: %
        !          7140: In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
        !          7141: stairs.
        !          7142: %
        !          7143: In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
        !          7144: waffles.
        !          7145: %
        !          7146: In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
        !          7147: get parts.
        !          7148: %
        !          7149: In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
        !          7150: creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
        !          7151: %
        !          7152: In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
        !          7153: syrup.
        !          7154: %
        !          7155: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
        !          7156: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
        !          7157: %
        !          7158:        In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
        !          7159: junior, what are you up to?"
        !          7160:        "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
        !          7161: rabbit.
        !          7162:        "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
        !          7163:        "Well, follow me and I'll show you."  They both go into the
        !          7164: rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
        !          7165: expression on his face.
        !          7166:        Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
        !          7167:        "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
        !          7168: devour wolves."
        !          7169:        "Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"
        !          7170:        "Come with me and I'll show you."  As before, the rabbit comes
        !          7171: out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
        !          7172: Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
        !          7173: should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
        !          7174: next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
        !          7175: 
        !          7176: The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
        !          7177: it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
        !          7178: %
        !          7179: In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
        !          7180: Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
        !          7181:                -- Frank Mankiewicz
        !          7182: %
        !          7183: In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
        !          7184: "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
        !          7185:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7186: %
        !          7187: In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
        !          7188: with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
        !          7189: this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
        !          7190: %
        !          7191: In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
        !          7192: sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All
        !          7193: those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
        !          7194: devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
        !          7195: as a human sperm, please raise your hands.  Thank you.
        !          7196:                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
        !          7197: %
        !          7198: In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
        !          7199: of the risks he takes.
        !          7200:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !          7201: %
        !          7202: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
        !          7203: incompetency
        !          7204:                -- The Peter Principle
        !          7205: %
        !          7206: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
        !          7207: are to be treated as variables.
        !          7208: %
        !          7209: "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
        !          7210: nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
        !          7211:                -- Stuart Keate
        !          7212: %
        !          7213: In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
        !          7214: at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
        !          7215: %
        !          7216: In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
        !          7217: %
        !          7218: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
        !          7219: will be temporarily canceled.
        !          7220: %
        !          7221: In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
        !          7222: make it better.
        !          7223: %
        !          7224: In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
        !          7225: a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
        !          7226: to get her attention.
        !          7227: %
        !          7228: In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
        !          7229: in any motor vehicle.
        !          7230: %
        !          7231: "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
        !          7232:                -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
        !          7233: %
        !          7234: In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
        !          7235: neighbor.
        !          7236: %
        !          7237: In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
        !          7238: %
        !          7239: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
        !          7240: resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
        !          7241: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
        !          7242:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7243: %
        !          7244: In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
        !          7245: programming languages.
        !          7246: %
        !          7247: In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
        !          7248: the sidewalks when a concert is on.
        !          7249: %
        !          7250: In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
        !          7251: into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
        !          7252: between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
        !          7253: will only make it mushy.
        !          7254:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7255: %
        !          7256: In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
        !          7257: pocket.
        !          7258: %
        !          7259: In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
        !          7260: pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
        !          7261: either flying or waiting to board a plane.
        !          7262: %
        !          7263: In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
        !          7264: there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
        !          7265: flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
        !          7266: %
        !          7267: In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
        !          7268: to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
        !          7269: speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
        !          7270: %
        !          7271: "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
        !          7272: universe."
        !          7273:                -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
        !          7274: %
        !          7275: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
        !          7276: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
        !          7277: the cares of office.
        !          7278:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7279: %
        !          7280: In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
        !          7281: and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
        !          7282: %
        !          7283: In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
        !          7284: of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
        !          7285: view."
        !          7286: %
        !          7287: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
        !          7288: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
        !          7289: Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
        !          7290: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
        !          7291:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          7292: %
        !          7293: In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
        !          7294: is over six feet in length.
        !          7295: %
        !          7296: In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
        !          7297:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          7298: %
        !          7299: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
        !          7300: %
        !          7301: In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
        !          7302: %
        !          7303: In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
        !          7304: moving automobile.
        !          7305: %
        !          7306: [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You
        !          7307: could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense
        !          7308: that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
        !          7309: 
        !          7310: And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
        !          7311: over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we
        !          7312: didn't need that.  Our energy would simply `prevail'.  There was no
        !          7313: point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;
        !          7314: we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
        !          7315: 
        !          7316: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
        !          7317: Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
        !          7318: ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
        !          7319: rolled back.
        !          7320:                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
        !          7321: %
        !          7322: In the beginning was the word.
        !          7323: But by the time the second word was added to it,
        !          7324: there was trouble.
        !          7325: For with it came syntax ...
        !          7326:                -- John Simon
        !          7327: %
        !          7328: In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
        !          7329: hacking at the PDP-6.  "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.  "I am
        !          7330: training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."  "Why is the
        !          7331: net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.  "I do not want it to have any
        !          7332: preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes.  "Why do you
        !          7333: close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.  "So the room will be
        !          7334: empty."  At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
        !          7335: %
        !          7336: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
        !          7337: the proper order then why can't he?
        !          7338: %
        !          7339: In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
        !          7340: Dead.
        !          7341:                -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
        !          7342: %
        !          7343: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
        !          7344:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          7345: %
        !          7346: In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
        !          7347: a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
        !          7348: to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
        !          7349: forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you
        !          7350: stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
        !          7351: punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
        !          7352: enough to punch you.
        !          7353:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          7354: %
        !          7355: In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
        !          7356: shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the
        !          7357: Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
        !          7358: three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
        !          7359: from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
        !          7360: ... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
        !          7361: wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
        !          7362: fact.
        !          7363:                -- Mark Twain 
        !          7364: %
        !          7365: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
        !          7366: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
        !          7367: discotheques.
        !          7368:                -- Art Linkletter
        !          7369: %
        !          7370: In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
        !          7371: my advice.
        !          7372:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          7373: %
        !          7374: In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
        !          7375: the supervision of a licensed engineer.
        !          7376: %
        !          7377: In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
        !          7378: along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
        !          7379: %
        !          7380: Incumbent, n.:
        !          7381:        Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
        !          7382:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7383: %
        !          7384: ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
        !          7385: smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
        !          7386: not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
        !          7387:                -- Stephen Crane
        !          7388: %
        !          7389: Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
        !          7390: %
        !          7391: Individualists unite!
        !          7392: %
        !          7393: Infancy, n.:
        !          7394:        The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
        !          7395: lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon
        !          7396: afterward.
        !          7397:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          7398: %
        !          7399: Information Center, n.:
        !          7400:        A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
        !          7401: to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
        !          7402: %
        !          7403: Ingrate, n.:
        !          7404:        A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
        !          7405: indigestion.
        !          7406: %
        !          7407: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
        !          7408:                -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
        !          7409: %
        !          7410: Ink, n.:
        !          7411:        A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
        !          7412: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
        !          7413: intellectual crime.
        !          7414:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7415: %
        !          7416: Innovation is hard to schedule.
        !          7417:                -- Dan Fylstra
        !          7418: %
        !          7419: Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
        !          7420: %
        !          7421: Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
        !          7422: salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
        !          7423: %
        !          7424: Interpreter, n.:
        !          7425:        One who enables two persons of different languages to
        !          7426: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
        !          7427: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
        !          7428:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7429: %
        !          7430: Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
        !          7431: %
        !          7432:        INVENTORY
        !          7433: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
        !          7434: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
        !          7435: 
        !          7436: Four be the things I'd been better without:
        !          7437: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
        !          7438: 
        !          7439: Three be the things I shall never attain:
        !          7440: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
        !          7441: 
        !          7442: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
        !          7443: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
        !          7444: %
        !          7445: Iron Law of Distribution:
        !          7446:        Them that has, gets.
        !          7447: %
        !          7448: "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
        !          7449:                -- Douglas Hofstadter
        !          7450: %
        !          7451: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
        !          7452: meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
        !          7453: soap bubble?
        !          7454: %
        !          7455: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
        !          7456: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
        !          7457: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
        !          7458:                -- Ralph Emerson
        !          7459: %
        !          7460: Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
        !          7461: %
        !          7462: Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
        !          7463: listen to weather forecasts and economists?
        !          7464:                -- Kelvin Throop III
        !          7465: %
        !          7466: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
        !          7467: tellers take economists seriously?
        !          7468: %
        !          7469: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
        !          7470: 
        !          7471:        The Course of Progress:
        !          7472:                Most things get steadily worse.
        !          7473: 
        !          7474:        The Path of Progress:
        !          7475:                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
        !          7476: %
        !          7477: It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
        !          7478: as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
        !          7479: had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
        !          7480: "What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed
        !          7481: Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
        !          7482: came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
        !          7483: this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
        !          7484: Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
        !          7485: To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
        !          7486: your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
        !          7487: "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
        !          7488: %
        !          7489: It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown
        !          7490: came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and
        !          7491: applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I
        !          7492: think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
        !          7493: wits, who believe that it is a joke.
        !          7494: %
        !          7495: It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
        !          7496: thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
        !          7497: drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
        !          7498:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          7499: %
        !          7500: It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
        !          7501: that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
        !          7502: one can learn."
        !          7503:                -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
        !          7504: %
        !          7505: It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
        !          7506: been searching for evidence which could support this.
        !          7507:                -- Bertrand Russell
        !          7508: %
        !          7509: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
        !          7510: %
        !          7511: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
        !          7512: program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
        !          7513: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
        !          7514: self-critical?
        !          7515:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          7516: %
        !          7517: It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
        !          7518: Urbana, Illinois.
        !          7519: %
        !          7520: It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
        !          7521: not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
        !          7522: and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
        !          7523: mature human beings ...
        !          7524:                -- Playboy, January 1983
        !          7525: %
        !          7526: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
        !          7527: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
        !          7528: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
        !          7529:                -- Voltaire
        !          7530: %
        !          7531: It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
        !          7532: they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
        !          7533: that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
        !          7534: much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
        !          7535: had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
        !          7536: conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
        !          7537: intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
        !          7538: 
        !          7539: Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
        !          7540: destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
        !          7541: alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
        !          7542: misinterpreted ...
        !          7543:                -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
        !          7544:                   Galaxy"
        !          7545: %
        !          7546: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
        !          7547: coming up it.
        !          7548:                -- Henry Allen
        !          7549: %
        !          7550: It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
        !          7551: One in a million, perhaps.
        !          7552: %
        !          7553: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
        !          7554: %
        !          7555: It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
        !          7556: benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
        !          7557: to use either.
        !          7558:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7559: %
        !          7560: It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
        !          7561: incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
        !          7562: twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
        !          7563:                -- Rod Serling
        !          7564: %
        !          7565: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
        !          7566: lightly greased."
        !          7567:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          7568: %
        !          7569: It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
        !          7570: proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
        !          7571: a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
        !          7572: treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
        !          7573: focus of attention, the harder the task.
        !          7574:                -- Sydney J. Harris
        !          7575: %
        !          7576: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
        !          7577: versa.
        !          7578: %
        !          7579: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
        !          7580: %
        !          7581: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
        !          7582: one.
        !          7583: %
        !          7584: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
        !          7585: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
        !          7586: people.
        !          7587:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          7588: %
        !          7589: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
        !          7590: Boulevard at one time.
        !          7591: %
        !          7592: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
        !          7593: %
        !          7594: It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
        !          7595: a tune.
        !          7596:                -- Woody Allen
        !          7597: %
        !          7598: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
        !          7599: ingenious.
        !          7600: %
        !          7601: It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
        !          7602: desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
        !          7603:                -- Woody Allen
        !          7604: %
        !          7605: It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
        !          7606: offense consists in doubting it.
        !          7607:                -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
        !          7608: %
        !          7609: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
        !          7610: problem.
        !          7611: %
        !          7612: It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
        !          7613: privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
        !          7614: corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
        !          7615:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          7616: %
        !          7617: It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
        !          7618:                -- Gore Vidal
        !          7619: %
        !          7620: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
        !          7621: damn thing over and over.
        !          7622:                -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
        !          7623: %
        !          7624: It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
        !          7625:                -- Elizabeth Carpenter
        !          7626: %
        !          7627: It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
        !          7628: pit.
        !          7629: %
        !          7630: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
        !          7631: virginity could be a virtue.
        !          7632:                -- Voltaire
        !          7633: %
        !          7634: It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
        !          7635: dignity.
        !          7636: %
        !          7637: It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
        !          7638: to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
        !          7639:                -- Havelock Ellis
        !          7640: %
        !          7641: It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
        !          7642: students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
        !          7643: programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
        !          7644: regeneration.
        !          7645:                -- Dijkstra
        !          7646: %
        !          7647: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
        !          7648: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
        !          7649: high as the eagle?
        !          7650: %
        !          7651: It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
        !          7652: statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
        !          7653: glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
        !          7654: which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the
        !          7655: day, that is the highest of arts.
        !          7656:                -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
        !          7657: %
        !          7658: It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
        !          7659: crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
        !          7660: until the other has gone.
        !          7661: %
        !          7662: It is the business of little minds to shrink.
        !          7663:                -- Carl Sandburg
        !          7664: %
        !          7665: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        !          7666:                -- Hawkwind
        !          7667: %
        !          7668: It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
        !          7669: five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
        !          7670: it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
        !          7671: %
        !          7672: It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
        !          7673: future.
        !          7674: %
        !          7675: It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
        !          7676: %
        !          7677: It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
        !          7678: good either if you speak when your head is empty.
        !          7679: %
        !          7680: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
        !          7681: warning to others.
        !          7682: %
        !          7683: "It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
        !          7684:                -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
        !          7685: %
        !          7686: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
        !          7687: flag.
        !          7688: %
        !          7689: It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
        !          7690: municipality.
        !          7691:                -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
        !          7692: %
        !          7693: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
        !          7694: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
        !          7695:                -- Robert Benchly
        !          7696: %
        !          7697: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
        !          7698: %
        !          7699: "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
        !          7700: foot."
        !          7701: %
        !          7702: It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
        !          7703: breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
        !          7704: broken ...
        !          7705:                -- James Dent
        !          7706: %
        !          7707: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
        !          7708: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
        !          7709: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
        !          7710: the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
        !          7711: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
        !          7712: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
        !          7713: yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
        !          7714: man a lifetime."
        !          7715:                -- Thomas Aldrich
        !          7716: %
        !          7717:        It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
        !          7718: laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
        !          7719: thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
        !          7720: nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
        !          7721: for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
        !          7722:        Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
        !          7723: under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
        !          7724: icepacks.
        !          7725:                -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !          7726: %
        !          7727: It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
        !          7728: the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
        !          7729: %
        !          7730: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
        !          7731: the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
        !          7732: %
        !          7733: It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
        !          7734: nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
        !          7735: examples.
        !          7736:                -- Charles Dickens
        !          7737: %
        !          7738: It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
        !          7739: warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
        !          7740: two things still safe to eat.
        !          7741:                -- Robert Fuoss
        !          7742: %
        !          7743: It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
        !          7744:                -- Andrew Jackson
        !          7745: %
        !          7746: "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
        !          7747: underwear."
        !          7748: %
        !          7749: It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
        !          7750: %
        !          7751: "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
        !          7752:                -- Steven Wright
        !          7753: %
        !          7754: "It's a summons."
        !          7755: "What's a summons?"
        !          7756: "It means summon's in trouble."
        !          7757:                -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
        !          7758: %
        !          7759: It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
        !          7760:                -- Churchy La Femme
        !          7761: %
        !          7762: It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
        !          7763: %
        !          7764: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
        !          7765:                -- Andrew W. Mathis
        !          7766: %
        !          7767: It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
        !          7768:                -- Marty Winch
        !          7769: %
        !          7770: "It's easier said than done."
        !          7771: 
        !          7772: ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
        !          7773: said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
        !          7774: said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
        !          7775: done".
        !          7776: %
        !          7777: It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
        !          7778: %
        !          7779: It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
        !          7780: being right.
        !          7781: %
        !          7782: "It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
        !          7783: hour!"
        !          7784:                -- Macy's
        !          7785: %
        !          7786: It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
        !          7787: %
        !          7788: It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
        !          7789: is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
        !          7790: isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
        !          7791:                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
        !          7792: %
        !          7793: It's just a jump to the left
        !          7794:        And then a step to the right.
        !          7795: Put your hands on your hips
        !          7796:        And pull your knees in tight.
        !          7797: It's the pelvic thrust
        !          7798:        That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
        !          7799: 
        !          7800:        LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
        !          7801: 
        !          7802:                -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
        !          7803: %
        !          7804: "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
        !          7805:                -- Walt Disney
        !          7806: %
        !          7807: "It's Like This"
        !          7808: 
        !          7809: Even the samurai
        !          7810: have teddy bears,
        !          7811: and even the teddy bears
        !          7812: get drunk.
        !          7813: %
        !          7814: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
        !          7815: direction.
        !          7816: %
        !          7817: "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
        !          7818: %
        !          7819: It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
        !          7820:                -- Sam Goldwyn
        !          7821: %
        !          7822: It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
        !          7823: to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
        !          7824:                -- George Burns
        !          7825: %
        !          7826: It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
        !          7827:                -- Phil White
        !          7828: %
        !          7829: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
        !          7830:                -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
        !          7831: %
        !          7832: It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
        !          7833:                -- Alexander Korda
        !          7834: %
        !          7835: "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
        !          7836:                -- Cal Keegan
        !          7837: %
        !          7838: It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
        !          7839: what you're taking for it...
        !          7840: %
        !          7841: It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
        !          7842: the ground.
        !          7843:                -- Daniel B. Luten
        !          7844: %
        !          7845: It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
        !          7846: happens.
        !          7847:                -- Woody Allen
        !          7848: %
        !          7849: It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
        !          7850:                -- Garfield
        !          7851: %
        !          7852: It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
        !          7853: English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
        !          7854: other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
        !          7855:                -- Sydney J. Harris
        !          7856: %
        !          7857: It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
        !          7858: %
        !          7859: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
        !          7860: %
        !          7861: It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
        !          7862: Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
        !          7863: %
        !          7864: It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
        !          7865: raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
        !          7866: not to.
        !          7867:                -- Franklin P. Jones
        !          7868: %
        !          7869: It's the thought, if any, that counts!
        !          7870: %
        !          7871:                     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
        !          7872:                          by Mark Isaak
        !          7873: 
        !          7874:        Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
        !          7875: character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
        !          7876: hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
        !          7877: are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
        !          7878: BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
        !          7879: to him.
        !          7880:        So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
        !          7881: he met the traveling salesman.
        !          7882:        "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
        !          7883: in high-level language.
        !          7884:        "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
        !          7885: and Apples," commented Jack.
        !          7886:        "I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
        !          7887: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
        !          7888:        Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
        !          7889: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
        !          7890: started thrashing.
        !          7891:        "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
        !          7892: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
        !          7893: window ...
        !          7894: %
        !          7895: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        !          7896:        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        !          7897: legislature is in session.
        !          7898: %
        !          7899: James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
        !          7900: indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
        !          7901:                -- Tom Stoppard
        !          7902: %
        !          7903: Jenkinson's Law:
        !          7904:        It won't work.
        !          7905: %
        !          7906: Jesus Saves,
        !          7907: Moses Invests,
        !          7908: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
        !          7909: %
        !          7910: Job Placement, n.:
        !          7911:        Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
        !          7912: %
        !          7913: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
        !          7914: %
        !          7915: Johnson's First Law:
        !          7916:        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        !          7917: most inconvenient possible time.
        !          7918: %
        !          7919: Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
        !          7920: "Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
        !          7921: anything loses.
        !          7922: %
        !          7923: Join the march to save individuality!
        !          7924: %
        !          7925: Jone's Law:
        !          7926:        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
        !          7927: to blame it on.
        !          7928: %
        !          7929: Jone's Motto:
        !          7930:        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
        !          7931: %
        !          7932: Jones's First Law:
        !          7933:        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        !          7934: endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
        !          7935: to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
        !          7936: original contribution.
        !          7937: %
        !          7938: Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
        !          7939: (and nobody cares about it).
        !          7940:                -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
        !          7941: %
        !          7942: Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
        !          7943: solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
        !          7944: one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
        !          7945: winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
        !          7946: because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
        !          7947: mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
        !          7948: motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
        !          7949: whole truth.
        !          7950:                -- Stephen R. Schwambach
        !          7951: %
        !          7952: Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
        !          7953: changed.
        !          7954:                -- Irene Peter
        !          7955: %
        !          7956: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
        !          7957: %
        !          7958: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
        !          7959: knows what it is.
        !          7960: %
        !          7961: Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
        !          7962: get a prompt, type like hell.
        !          7963: %
        !          7964: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
        !          7965: immune to bullets"
        !          7966:                -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
        !          7967: %
        !          7968: "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
        !          7969: of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
        !          7970:                -- Patricia O Tuama, [email protected]
        !          7971: %
        !          7972: Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
        !          7973: twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
        !          7974: %
        !          7975: `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
        !          7976:        As he landed his crew with care;
        !          7977: Supporting each man on the top of the tide
        !          7978:        By a finger entwined in his hair.
        !          7979: 
        !          7980: 'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
        !          7981:        That alone should encourage the crew.
        !          7982: Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
        !          7983:        What I tell you three times is true.'
        !          7984: %
        !          7985: Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
        !          7986: faster rat!!!
        !          7987: %
        !          7988: Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
        !          7989:                -- Michael J. Wagner
        !          7990: %
        !          7991: Justice is incidental to law and order.
        !          7992:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !          7993: %
        !          7994: Justice, n.:
        !          7995:        A decision in your favor.
        !          7996: %
        !          7997: K:     Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
        !          7998:        Cobol's wordy and confining;
        !          7999:        KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
        !          8000:        Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
        !          8001:                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        !          8002: %
        !          8003: Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
        !          8004: wear tail lights.
        !          8005: %
        !          8006: Katz' Law:
        !          8007:        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        !          8008: possibilities have been exhausted.
        !          8009: %
        !          8010: Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
        !          8011: %
        !          8012: Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
        !          8013:                - Hellman's Mayonnaise
        !          8014: %
        !          8015: Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
        !          8016: %
        !          8017: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
        !          8018: %
        !          8019: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        !          8020:        (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
        !          8021:            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
        !          8022:            force is technically termed "car suck").
        !          8023:        (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
        !          8024:            than "Watch this!"
        !          8025: %
        !          8026: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
        !          8027: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
        !          8028: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
        !          8029: Your Feet on the Ground,
        !          8030: Your Head on your Shoulders.
        !          8031: Now ... try to get something DONE!
        !          8032: %
        !          8033: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
        !          8034: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
        !          8035: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
        !          8036: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
        !          8037: dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
        !          8038: what's wrong."
        !          8039: %
        !          8040: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
        !          8041:        Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
        !          8042: and parking for the faculty.
        !          8043: %
        !          8044: Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
        !          8045: travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
        !          8046: original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
        !          8047: teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
        !          8048: grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
        !          8049: teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
        !          8050:                -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
        !          8051:                   Do"
        !          8052: %
        !          8053: Kin, n.:
        !          8054:        An affliction of the blood
        !          8055: %
        !          8056: Kinkler's First Law:
        !          8057:        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
        !          8058: 
        !          8059: Kinkler's Second Law:
        !          8060:        All the easy problems have been solved.
        !          8061: %
        !          8062: "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
        !          8063: %
        !          8064: Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
        !          8065: any of its streets.
        !          8066: %
        !          8067: Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
        !          8068: %
        !          8069: Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
        !          8070: %
        !          8071: Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
        !          8072: %
        !          8073: Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
        !          8074: %
        !          8075: Kleptomaniac, n.:
        !          8076:        A rich thief.
        !          8077:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8078: %
        !          8079: Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
        !          8080: %
        !          8081: Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
        !          8082:                -- Henry N. Camp
        !          8083: %
        !          8084: Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
        !          8085:        The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
        !          8086:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          8087: %
        !          8088: Labor, n.:
        !          8089:        One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
        !          8090:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8091: %
        !          8092: Lackland's Laws:
        !          8093:        (1) Never be first.
        !          8094:        (2) Never be last.
        !          8095:        (3) Never volunteer for anything
        !          8096: %
        !          8097: Lactomangulation, n.:
        !          8098:        Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
        !          8099: that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
        !          8100:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          8101: %
        !          8102: Ladybug, ladybug,
        !          8103: Look to your stern!
        !          8104: Your house is on fire,
        !          8105: Your children will burn!
        !          8106: So jump ye and sing, for
        !          8107: The very first time
        !          8108: The four lines above
        !          8109: Have been put into rhyme.
        !          8110:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          8111: %
        !          8112: Laetrile is the pits
        !          8113: %
        !          8114: Langsam's Laws:
        !          8115:        (1) Everything depends.
        !          8116:        (2) Nothing is always.
        !          8117:        (3) Everything is sometimes.
        !          8118: %
        !          8119: Larkinson's Law:
        !          8120:        All laws are basically false.
        !          8121: %
        !          8122: Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
        !          8123: was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
        !          8124: pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
        !          8125: farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
        !          8126: sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
        !          8127: you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
        !          8128: What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
        !          8129: of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
        !          8130: the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
        !          8131: whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
        !          8132: Lassie filed the applications for.
        !          8133:                -- Dave Barry
        !          8134: %
        !          8135: "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
        !          8136: had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
        !          8137: my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
        !          8138:                -- Steven Wright
        !          8139: %
        !          8140: "Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police
        !          8141: record.  I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense
        !          8142: of humor."
        !          8143: %
        !          8144: Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
        !          8145: %
        !          8146: Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
        !          8147: %
        !          8148: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
        !          8149:                -- Victor Borge
        !          8150: %
        !          8151: Law of Communications:
        !          8152:        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        !          8153: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
        !          8154: misunderstanding.
        !          8155: %
        !          8156: Law of Probable Dispersal:
        !          8157:        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        !          8158: distributed.
        !          8159: %
        !          8160: Law of Selective Gravity:
        !          8161:        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
        !          8162: 
        !          8163: Jenning's Corollary:
        !          8164:        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        !          8165: directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
        !          8166: %
        !          8167: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        !          8168:        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        !          8169: bread to butter.
        !          8170: %
        !          8171: Laws of Serendipity:
        !          8172: 
        !          8173:        (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
        !          8174:            something.
        !          8175:        (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
        !          8176:            be engaged in making an inferior one.
        !          8177: %
        !          8178: Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
        !          8179:        No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
        !          8180: approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
        !          8181: %
        !          8182: Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
        !          8183: %
        !          8184: Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
        !          8185: everything else follows in the same way.
        !          8186:                -- Alan J. Perlis
        !          8187: %
        !          8188: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
        !          8189: %
        !          8190: Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
        !          8191: fun?
        !          8192: %
        !          8193: Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
        !          8194:        "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
        !          8195: unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
        !          8196: drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
        !          8197: can."
        !          8198: %
        !          8199: Leibowitz's Rule:
        !          8200:        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        !          8201: hold the hammer with both hands.
        !          8202: %
        !          8203: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        !          8204:        You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
        !          8205:        pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
        !          8206:        honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
        !          8207:        are thieves.
        !          8208: %
        !          8209: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        !          8210:        Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
        !          8211:        Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
        !          8212:        you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
        !          8213:        fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
        !          8214:        a sick sense of humor.
        !          8215: %
        !          8216: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
        !          8217: %
        !          8218: "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
        !          8219: number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
        !          8220: and another number."
        !          8221:                -- James Estes
        !          8222: %
        !          8223: Let us live!!!
        !          8224: Let us love!!!
        !          8225: Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
        !          8226: 
        !          8227: You first.
        !          8228: %
        !          8229: Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
        !          8230: relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
        !          8231: really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
        !          8232: end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
        !          8233: qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and
        !          8234: bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
        !          8235: his back."
        !          8236:                -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
        !          8237: %
        !          8238: Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
        !          8239: your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
        !          8240: Mental Anguish.  You would sue:
        !          8241: 
        !          8242: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
        !          8243:   section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
        !          8244:   into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
        !          8245:   in there".
        !          8246: 
        !          8247: * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
        !          8248:   cretin like yourself.
        !          8249: 
        !          8250: * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
        !          8251:   case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
        !          8252:   a large cash settlement anyway.
        !          8253:                -- Dave Barry
        !          8254: %
        !          8255: Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
        !          8256: overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
        !          8257: dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
        !          8258: tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
        !          8259: spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
        !          8260: money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
        !          8261: probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
        !          8262: It's not his money.
        !          8263:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          8264: %
        !          8265: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
        !          8266: 
        !          8267: Dear Sir,
        !          8268: 
        !          8269: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
        !          8270: to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
        !          8271: public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
        !          8272: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
        !          8273: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
        !          8274: agricultural industry.
        !          8275: 
        !          8276: Yours faithfully,
        !          8277:        Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
        !          8278:        Sevenoaks
        !          8279: %
        !          8280: Lewis's Law of Travel:
        !          8281:        The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
        !          8282: anyone, ever.
        !          8283: %
        !          8284: Liar, n.:
        !          8285:        A lawyer with a roving commission.
        !          8286:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8287: %
        !          8288: Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
        !          8289:                -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
        !          8290: %
        !          8291: LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
        !          8292:        Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
        !          8293:        desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
        !          8294:        polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
        !          8295: %
        !          8296: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        !          8297:        You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
        !          8298:        reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
        !          8299:        Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
        !          8300:        Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
        !          8301:        disease.
        !          8302: %
        !          8303: Lie, n.:
        !          8304:        A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
        !          8305: discovered to date.
        !          8306: %
        !          8307: Lieberman's Law:
        !          8308:        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
        !          8309: %
        !          8310: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
        !          8311: %
        !          8312: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
        !          8313: %
        !          8314: "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
        !          8315: eat it nevertheless."
        !          8316:                -- Flaubert
        !          8317: %
        !          8318: "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
        !          8319: %
        !          8320: Life is like a simile.
        !          8321: %
        !          8322: Life is like an analogy
        !          8323: %
        !          8324: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
        !          8325: there is nothing in it.
        !          8326: %
        !          8327: "Life is too important to take seriously."
        !          8328:                -- Corky Siegel
        !          8329: %
        !          8330: "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
        !          8331: which I disapprove."
        !          8332: %
        !          8333: "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
        !          8334:                -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
        !          8335: %
        !          8336: "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
        !          8337: weren't for other people"
        !          8338:                -- Blore
        !          8339: %
        !          8340: Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
        !          8341: %
        !          8342: "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
        !          8343:                -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          8344: %
        !          8345: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
        !          8346: sense from things she found in gift shops.
        !          8347:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
        !          8348: %
        !          8349: Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
        !          8350: for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
        !          8351:                -- Alan McKay
        !          8352: %
        !          8353: Limericks are art forms complex,
        !          8354: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        !          8355:        They usually have virgins,
        !          8356:        And masculine urgin's,
        !          8357: And other erotic effects.
        !          8358: %
        !          8359: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
        !          8360: %
        !          8361: Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
        !          8362:        we should think only about today.
        !          8363: Charlie Brown:
        !          8364:        No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
        !          8365:        better.
        !          8366: %
        !          8367: Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
        !          8368:                -- Candice Bergen
        !          8369: %
        !          8370: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
        !          8371: around the Sun.
        !          8372: %
        !          8373: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
        !          8374: before.
        !          8375: %
        !          8376: Lizzie Borden took an axe,
        !          8377: And plunged it deep into the VAX;
        !          8378: Don't you envy people who
        !          8379: Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
        !          8380: %
        !          8381: Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
        !          8382: interest rates, we don't need it."
        !          8383: %
        !          8384: Lobster:
        !          8385:        Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
        !          8386: squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
        !          8387: only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
        !          8388: eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
        !          8389: before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
        !          8390: ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
        !          8391: in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
        !          8392: unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
        !          8393: the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
        !          8394: "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
        !          8395: memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
        !          8396: at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
        !          8397: Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
        !          8398: too.
        !          8399:                -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
        !          8400:                   into Excuses and Apologies"
        !          8401: %
        !          8402: Lockwood's Long Shot:
        !          8403:        The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
        !          8404: one in a million, but once would be enough.
        !          8405: %
        !          8406: Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
        !          8407: %
        !          8408: ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
        !          8409: legally ... impeccable!
        !          8410: %
        !          8411: Logicians have but ill defined
        !          8412: As rational the human kind.
        !          8413: Logic, they say, belongs to man,
        !          8414: But let them prove it if they can.
        !          8415:                -- Oliver Goldsmith
        !          8416: %
        !          8417: Look out!  Behind you!
        !          8418: %
        !          8419: Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
        !          8420: to pay income taxes, too?
        !          8421:                -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
        !          8422: %
        !          8423: Loose bits sink chips.
        !          8424: %
        !          8425: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
        !          8426: BOOGA!"
        !          8427: %
        !          8428: Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
        !          8429: %
        !          8430: Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
        !          8431: Halstead, Kansas.
        !          8432: %
        !          8433: Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
        !          8434: %
        !          8435: Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
        !          8436: %
        !          8437: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
        !          8438: world has ever seen.
        !          8439: %
        !          8440: Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
        !          8441:                -- Sigmund Freud
        !          8442: %
        !          8443: "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
        !          8444: flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
        !          8445:                -- Matt Groening
        !          8446: %
        !          8447: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
        !          8448: Hate is a word that is not.
        !          8449: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
        !          8450: Love, I have read, is hot.
        !          8451: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
        !          8452: And Love but a drug on the mart.
        !          8453: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
        !          8454: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        !          8455:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          8456: %
        !          8457: "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
        !          8458: the ideal never goes unpunished."
        !          8459:                -- Goethe
        !          8460: %
        !          8461: Love is sentimental measles.
        !          8462: %
        !          8463: Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        !          8464:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          8465: %
        !          8466: Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
        !          8467: %
        !          8468: Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
        !          8469:                -- Louise Beal
        !          8470: %
        !          8471: Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
        !          8472: to.
        !          8473: %
        !          8474:        Love's Drug
        !          8475: 
        !          8476: My love is like an iron wand 
        !          8477:        That conks me on the head,
        !          8478: My love is like the valium 
        !          8479:        That I take before my bed,
        !          8480: My love is like the pint of scotch 
        !          8481:        That I drink when I be dry;
        !          8482: And I shall love thee still, my dear,
        !          8483:        Until my wife is wise.
        !          8484: %
        !          8485: Lowery's Law:
        !          8486:        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
        !          8487: anyway.
        !          8488: %
        !          8489: LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
        !          8490: %
        !          8491: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        !          8492:        There's always one more bug.
        !          8493: %
        !          8494: Lunatic Asylum, n.:
        !          8495:        The place where optimism most flourishes.
        !          8496: %
        !          8497: Lysistrata had a good idea.
        !          8498: %
        !          8499: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
        !          8500: the smallest amount of thoughts."
        !          8501:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          8502: %
        !          8503: Machine-Independent, adj.:
        !          8504:        Does not run on any existing machine.
        !          8505: %
        !          8506: Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
        !          8507: and play games -- but not with pleasure.
        !          8508:                -- Leo Rosten
        !          8509: %
        !          8510: Mad, adj.:
        !          8511:        Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
        !          8512:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8513: %
        !          8514: Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
        !          8515: first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
        !          8516:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          8517: %
        !          8518: MAFIA, n:
        !          8519:        [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
        !          8520: Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
        !          8521: subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
        !          8522: rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
        !          8523: reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
        !          8524: operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
        !          8525: MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
        !          8526: variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
        !          8527: security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
        !          8528: more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
        !          8529: imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
        !          8530: options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
        !          8531: Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
        !          8532: powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
        !          8533: entire nodal aggravations.
        !          8534:                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
        !          8535: %
        !          8536: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
        !          8537: 
        !          8538: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
        !          8539: 
        !          8540: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
        !          8541: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
        !          8542: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
        !          8543: knowledge.
        !          8544:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8545: %
        !          8546: Magnocartic, adj.:
        !          8547:        Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
        !          8548: carts.
        !          8549:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          8550: %
        !          8551: Magpie, n.:
        !          8552:        A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
        !          8553: might be taught to talk.
        !          8554:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8555: %
        !          8556: Maier's Law:
        !          8557:        If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
        !          8558:        of.
        !          8559: 
        !          8560: Corollaries:
        !          8561:        (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
        !          8562:        (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
        !          8563:            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
        !          8564:            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
        !          8565: %
        !          8566: Main's Law:
        !          8567:        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
        !          8568: program.
        !          8569: %
        !          8570: Maintainer's Motto:
        !          8571:        If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
        !          8572: %
        !          8573: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
        !          8574:        as one man.
        !          8575: 
        !          8576: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
        !          8577: 
        !          8578: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
        !          8579:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8580: %
        !          8581: Majority, n.:
        !          8582:        That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
        !          8583: %
        !          8584: Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
        !          8585: %
        !          8586: Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
        !          8587: tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
        !          8588: has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
        !          8589: the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
        !          8590:                -- System V.2 administrator's guide
        !          8591: %
        !          8592: Malek's Law:
        !          8593:        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
        !          8594: %
        !          8595: Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
        !          8596:        joke is.
        !          8597: 
        !          8598: Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
        !          8599: 
        !          8600: Man 1: ______TIMING!
        !          8601: %
        !          8602: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
        !          8603:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          8604: %
        !          8605: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
        !          8606: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
        !          8607:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8608: %
        !          8609: Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
        !          8610: only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
        !          8611:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          8612: %
        !          8613: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        !          8614:                -- Mark Twain
        !          8615: %
        !          8616: Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
        !          8617: victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
        !          8618:                -- Samuel Butler
        !          8619: %
        !          8620: Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
        !          8621: victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
        !          8622:                -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
        !          8623: %
        !          8624: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
        !          8625: is an enemy.
        !          8626:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          8627: %
        !          8628: Man, n.:
        !          8629:        An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
        !          8630: e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His hief
        !          8631: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
        !          8632: however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
        !          8633: habitable earth and Canada.
        !          8634:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8635: %
        !          8636: Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
        !          8637: Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
        !          8638:          don't think, right?"
        !          8639:                -- Dr. Who
        !          8640: %
        !          8641: Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
        !          8642: dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
        !          8643: man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
        !          8644: air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
        !          8645: primitive umpire.
        !          8646: 
        !          8647: What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
        !          8648: mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
        !          8649:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !          8650: %
        !          8651: Manual, n.:
        !          8652:        A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
        !          8653: given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
        !          8654: information you need in in the others.
        !          8655:                -- Ray Simard
        !          8656: %
        !          8657: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
        !          8658: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
        !          8659: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
        !          8660: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
        !          8661:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          8662: %
        !          8663: Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
        !          8664:        Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
        !          8665: simple yes or no answer.
        !          8666: %
        !          8667: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
        !          8668:                -- Voltaire
        !          8669: %
        !          8670: Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
        !          8671: the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam
        !          8672: dancing.
        !          8673:                -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
        !          8674: %
        !          8675: Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
        !          8676:                -- Malcolm Smith
        !          8677: %
        !          8678: Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
        !          8679:                -- R. Drabek
        !          8680: %
        !          8681: Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
        !          8682: translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
        !          8683: entirely different.
        !          8684:                -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
        !          8685: %
        !          8686: Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
        !          8687: described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can
        !          8688: play.
        !          8689:                -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
        !          8690:                   James Blish
        !          8691: %
        !          8692: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
        !          8693: %
        !          8694: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
        !          8695: receipt.
        !          8696: %
        !          8697: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
        !          8698:                -- Jules Feiffer
        !          8699: %
        !          8700: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
        !          8701: %
        !          8702: May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
        !          8703: %
        !          8704: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
        !          8705: %
        !          8706: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
        !          8707: Thousand Caramels.
        !          8708: %
        !          8709: Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
        !          8710:                -- R. S. Barton
        !          8711: %
        !          8712: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
        !          8713: it.
        !          8714: %
        !          8715: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        !          8716:        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        !          8717: $19.95.
        !          8718: %
        !          8719: Meader's Law:
        !          8720:        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        !          8721: everyone you know, only more so.
        !          8722: %
        !          8723: Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
        !          8724: %
        !          8725: Meeting, n.:
        !          8726:        An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
        !          8727: department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
        !          8728: %
        !          8729: Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
        !          8730: from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
        !          8731: Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
        !          8732: had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
        !          8733:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
        !          8734: %
        !          8735: Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
        !          8736: it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
        !          8737: very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
        !          8738: tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
        !          8739:        [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
        !          8740:         world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
        !          8741:         next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
        !          8742: ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
        !          8743: cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
        !          8744: billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even
        !          8745: more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a
        !          8746: fact.  Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
        !          8747: older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
        !          8748: obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
        !          8749: window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
        !          8750: hotshot cells moving up from below.
        !          8751:                -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
        !          8752: %
        !          8753: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        !          8754:        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
        !          8755: %
        !          8756: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        !          8757:        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        !          8758: cork makes when it is popped.
        !          8759: %
        !          8760: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        !          8761:        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
        !          8762: %
        !          8763: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        !          8764:        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        !          8765: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
        !          8766: never hope to acquire it.
        !          8767: %
        !          8768: Menu, n.:
        !          8769:        A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
        !          8770: %
        !          8771: Meskimen's Law:
        !          8772:        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        !          8773: do it over.
        !          8774: %
        !          8775: MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
        !          8776: %
        !          8777: Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
        !          8778: %
        !          8779: methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
        !          8780: ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
        !          8781: phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
        !          8782: taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
        !          8783: glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
        !          8784: nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
        !          8785: minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
        !          8786: cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
        !          8787: leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
        !          8788: cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
        !          8789: lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
        !          8790: sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
        !          8791: cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
        !          8792: nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
        !          8793: nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
        !          8794: partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
        !          8795: glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
        !          8796: valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
        !          8797: cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
        !          8798: nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
        !          8799: rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
        !          8800: glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
        !          8801: sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
        !          8802: lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
        !          8803: glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
        !          8804:        The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
        !          8805:        1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
        !          8806:                -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
        !          8807: %
        !          8808: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
        !          8809: %
        !          8810: Micro Credo:
        !          8811:        Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
        !          8812: %
        !          8813: "Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
        !          8814: watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
        !          8815: %
        !          8816: "Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
        !          8817: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
        !          8818: %
        !          8819: Mike:  "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
        !          8820: Bernie:        "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO
        !          8821:        inconsiderate."
        !          8822:                -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
        !          8823: %
        !          8824: Miksch's Law:
        !          8825:        If a string has one end, then it has another end.
        !          8826: %
        !          8827: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        !          8828:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          8829: %
        !          8830: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        !          8831:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          8832: %
        !          8833: Millihelen, adj:
        !          8834:        The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
        !          8835: %
        !          8836: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
        !          8837: themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
        !          8838:                -- Susan Ertz
        !          8839: %
        !          8840: Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
        !          8841: politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
        !          8842: and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
        !          8843: are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
        !          8844: rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
        !          8845: the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
        !          8846: Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
        !          8847: Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
        !          8848: Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
        !          8849: black.
        !          8850:                -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
        !          8851: %
        !          8852: Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
        !          8853: is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
        !          8854: myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
        !          8855: the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
        !          8856: unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
        !          8857: will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
        !          8858: dead as a door-nail.
        !          8859: %
        !          8860: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
        !          8861: %
        !          8862: Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
        !          8863: pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
        !          8864: %
        !          8865: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
        !          8866: %
        !          8867: Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
        !          8868:                -- Russell Baker
        !          8869: %
        !          8870: Misfortune, n.:
        !          8871:        The kind of fortune that never misses.
        !          8872:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8873: %
        !          8874: Miss, n.:
        !          8875:        A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
        !          8876: they are in the market.
        !          8877:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8878: %
        !          8879: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
        !          8880: %
        !          8881: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        !          8882:        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        !          8883: held to discuss it.
        !          8884: %
        !          8885: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
        !          8886: 
        !          8887:   Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie       36 RITZ Crackers
        !          8888: 2 cups water                            2 cups sugar
        !          8889: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar             2 tablespoons lemon juice
        !          8890:   Grated rind of one lemon                Butter or margarine
        !          8891:   Cinnamon
        !          8892: 
        !          8893: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
        !          8894: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
        !          8895: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
        !          8896: juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
        !          8897: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
        !          8898: crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
        !          8899: steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
        !          8900: is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
        !          8901:                -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
        !          8902: %
        !          8903: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
        !          8904: %
        !          8905: Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
        !          8906: him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
        !          8907: last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
        !          8908: better.
        !          8909: %
        !          8910: Molecule, n.:
        !          8911:        The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
        !          8912: from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
        !          8913: closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
        !          8914: matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
        !          8915: atom in that it is an ion ...
        !          8916:        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8917: %
        !          8918: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        !          8919:        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        !          8920: it wasn't worth doing.
        !          8921: %
        !          8922: Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
        !          8923: %
        !          8924: Monday, n.:
        !          8925:        In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
        !          8926:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8927: %
        !          8928: Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
        !          8929: %
        !          8930: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
        !          8931: %
        !          8932: Money is the root of all wealth.
        !          8933: %
        !          8934: Moon, n.:
        !          8935:        1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
        !          8936: hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
        !          8937: %
        !          8938: Mophobia, n.:
        !          8939:        Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
        !          8940: %
        !          8941:                MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
        !          8942: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
        !          8943: Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
        !          8944: the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
        !          8945: Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
        !          8946: paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
        !          8947: took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
        !          8948: their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
        !          8949: said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
        !          8950: fight and the match was called by officials.
        !          8951: %
        !          8952: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
        !          8953: path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
        !          8954: extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
        !          8955:                -- Woody Allen
        !          8956: %
        !          8957: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        !          8958:        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        !          8959: be out of a job.
        !          8960: %
        !          8961: Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
        !          8962: because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
        !          8963: and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
        !          8964: eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
        !          8965: and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
        !          8966: female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
        !          8967: dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven
        !          8968: by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the
        !          8969: truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
        !          8970: them that it doesn't make any difference.
        !          8971:                -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
        !          8972:                   Teen Should Know"
        !          8973: %
        !          8974: Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
        !          8975: than they do.
        !          8976:                -- Turgenev
        !          8977: %
        !          8978: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
        !          8979:                -- Frank Zappa
        !          8980: %
        !          8981: Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
        !          8982:                -- Arnold Bennett
        !          8983: %
        !          8984: Mother is the invention of necessity.
        !          8985: %
        !          8986: Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
        !          8987: %
        !          8988: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        !          8989:        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        !          8990: population is growing.
        !          8991: %
        !          8992: "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
        !          8993: "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old
        !          8994: Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
        !          8995: pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
        !          8996: in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
        !          8997: in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
        !          8998: 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"  An electronic
        !          8999: computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
        !          9000: fun to watch.
        !          9001:                -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
        !          9002: %
        !          9003: Murphy's Discovery:
        !          9004:        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
        !          9005: women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
        !          9006: will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
        !          9007: trouble!
        !          9008: %
        !          9009: Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
        !          9010: work.
        !          9011: %
        !          9012: Murphy's Law of Research:
        !          9013:        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
        !          9014: %
        !          9015: "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
        !          9016:                -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
        !          9017: %
        !          9018:        Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
        !          9019: Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
        !          9020: pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
        !          9021: military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
        !          9022: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
        !          9023:        They can't prove who they are because they've left their
        !          9024: passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
        !          9025: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
        !          9026: movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
        !          9027: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
        !          9028:        The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
        !          9029: they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
        !          9030: if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
        !          9031: her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
        !          9032: possible, and turns to Murray.
        !          9033:        "This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
        !          9034: spits in the sergeants face.
        !          9035:        "Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
        !          9036:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          9037: %
        !          9038: Mustgo, n.:
        !          9039:        Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
        !          9040: long it has become a science project.
        !          9041:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          9042: %
        !          9043: "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
        !          9044: it."
        !          9045:                -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
        !          9046: %
        !          9047: My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
        !          9048: threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.
        !          9049: First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
        !          9050: frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
        !          9051: the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed
        !          9052: forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
        !          9053: perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
        !          9054: the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
        !          9055: crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a
        !          9056: symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
        !          9057: in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
        !          9058: really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
        !          9059: OK.
        !          9060:                -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
        !          9061: %
        !          9062: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless
        !          9063: there are three other people."
        !          9064:                -- Orson Welles
        !          9065: %
        !          9066: My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
        !          9067: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
        !          9068: sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
        !          9069: through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
        !          9070: listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
        !          9071: log out again.
        !          9072: %
        !          9073: "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
        !          9074:        -- MadameX
        !          9075: %
        !          9076: My love runs by like a day in June,
        !          9077:        And he makes no friends of sorrows.
        !          9078: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
        !          9079:        In the pathway or the morrows.
        !          9080: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
        !          9081:        Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
        !          9082: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
        !          9083:        And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
        !          9084:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          9085: %
        !          9086: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
        !          9087:        And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
        !          9088: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
        !          9089:        And the skies are sunlit for him.
        !          9090: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
        !          9091:        As the fragrance of acacia.
        !          9092: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
        !          9093:        And I wish he were in Asia.
        !          9094:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          9095: %
        !          9096: My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
        !          9097: one.
        !          9098:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          9099: %
        !          9100: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        !          9101: %
        !          9102: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
        !          9103:        And he cares not what comes after.
        !          9104: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
        !          9105:        And his eyes are lit with laughter.
        !          9106: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
        !          9107:        Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
        !          9108: My own dear love, he is all my world --
        !          9109:        And I wish I'd never met him.
        !          9110:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          9111: %
        !          9112: ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
        !          9113: Alley!!
        !          9114: %
        !          9115: "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
        !          9116: Alley!!"
        !          9117:                -- Zippy the Pinhead
        !          9118: %
        !          9119: My pen is at the bottom of a page,
        !          9120: Which, being finished, here the story ends;
        !          9121: 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
        !          9122: But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
        !          9123:                -- Byron
        !          9124: %
        !          9125: My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
        !          9126: signed.
        !          9127:                -- Christopher Morley
        !          9128: %
        !          9129: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
        !          9130: %
        !          9131: Mythology, n.:
        !          9132:        The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
        !          9133: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
        !          9134: from the true accounts which it invents later.
        !          9135:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9136: %
        !          9137:    n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
        !          9138:    n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
        !          9139:    n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
        !          9140:    n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
        !          9141:    n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
        !          9142: 
        !          9143:                -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
        !          9144: %
        !          9145: Naeser's Law:
        !          9146:        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        !          9147: damnfoolproof.
        !          9148: %
        !          9149: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
        !          9150:          says is wrong.
        !          9151: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
        !          9152:          will be right.
        !          9153:                -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
        !          9154: %
        !          9155: Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant
        !          9156: said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
        !          9157: time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone
        !          9158: might steal it."
        !          9159: %
        !          9160: Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
        !          9161: villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"
        !          9162: said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the
        !          9163: villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The
        !          9164: remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he
        !          9165: said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
        !          9166: my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
        !          9167: spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
        !          9168: %
        !          9169: Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
        !          9170: serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk
        !          9171: into your shop?"  "Of course."  "Have you ever seen me before?"
        !          9172: "Never."  "Then how do you know it was me?"
        !          9173: %
        !          9174: Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
        !          9175: than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the
        !          9176: light more."
        !          9177: %
        !          9178: Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
        !          9179: pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
        !          9180: meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
        !          9181: "Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
        !          9182: the recipe?"
        !          9183: %
        !          9184: Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of
        !          9185: conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the
        !          9186: fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
        !          9187: is most likely to be creamed?
        !          9188:                -- Solomon Short
        !          9189: %
        !          9190: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
        !          9191: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
        !          9192: 
        !          9193: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
        !          9194: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
        !          9195: %
        !          9196: Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
        !          9197: cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
        !          9198:                -- Fran Leibowitz
        !          9199: %
        !          9200: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
        !          9201: character, give him power.
        !          9202:                -- Abraham Lincoln
        !          9203: %
        !          9204: Necessity is a mother.
        !          9205: %
        !          9206: Neckties strangle clear thinking.
        !          9207:                -- Lin Yutang
        !          9208: %
        !          9209: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
        !          9210: %
        !          9211: Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
        !          9212: %
        !          9213: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
        !          9214: %
        !          9215: Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
        !          9216: %
        !          9217: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
        !          9218: %
        !          9219: Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
        !          9220: with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
        !          9221: change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
        !          9222: fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
        !          9223: have windows.
        !          9224: %
        !          9225: Never eat more than you can lift.
        !          9226:                -- Miss Piggy
        !          9227: %
        !          9228: Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
        !          9229: %
        !          9230: Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
        !          9231: %
        !          9232: Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
        !          9233:                -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
        !          9234: %
        !          9235: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
        !          9236: make it complex and wonderful.
        !          9237: %
        !          9238: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
        !          9239: substance.
        !          9240:                -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
        !          9241: %
        !          9242: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
        !          9243: %
        !          9244: Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
        !          9245: law against it by that time.
        !          9246: %
        !          9247: Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
        !          9248: %
        !          9249: Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
        !          9250: %
        !          9251: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
        !          9252:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          9253: %
        !          9254: Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
        !          9255:                -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
        !          9256: %
        !          9257: "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
        !          9258: %
        !          9259: Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
        !          9260: supposed to do.
        !          9261:                -- R. A. Heinlein
        !          9262: %
        !          9263: New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
        !          9264: %
        !          9265: New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
        !          9266: any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
        !          9267: %
        !          9268: New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
        !          9269: Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
        !          9270: %
        !          9271: New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
        !          9272:                -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
        !          9273: %
        !          9274: New systems generate new problems.
        !          9275: %
        !          9276: New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
        !          9277: his wife most often reminds him to act it.
        !          9278:                -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
        !          9279: %
        !          9280: New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
        !          9281: %
        !          9282: New York's got the ways and means;
        !          9283: Just won't let you be.
        !          9284:                -- The Grateful Dead
        !          9285: %
        !          9286: Newlan's Truism:
        !          9287:        An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
        !          9288: economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
        !          9289: %
        !          9290: NEWS FLASH!!
        !          9291:        Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
        !          9292:        German pole-vault champion.
        !          9293: %
        !          9294:                        *** NEWSFLASH ***
        !          9295: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
        !          9296: %
        !          9297: Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
        !          9298: %
        !          9299: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        !          9300:        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
        !          9301: %
        !          9302: Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
        !          9303: have a lucky day this year.
        !          9304: %
        !          9305: Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
        !          9306: as an income tax refund.
        !          9307:                -- F. J. Raymond
        !          9308: %
        !          9309: "Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
        !          9310:                -- Foghorn Leghorn
        !          9311: %
        !          9312: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
        !          9313: %
        !          9314: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
        !          9315: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
        !          9316: (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
        !          9317: Americans call him by value.
        !          9318: %
        !          9319: Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
        !          9320: Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
        !          9321: Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
        !          9322: Three megs for system source;
        !          9323: 
        !          9324: One disk to rule them all,
        !          9325: One disk to bind them,
        !          9326: One disk to hold the files
        !          9327: And in the darkness grind 'em.
        !          9328: %
        !          9329: Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
        !          9330:        And tapes without any tracks;
        !          9331: Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
        !          9332:        And tapes mixed up on the racks --
        !          9333:                Take hold of the tape
        !          9334:                And pull off the strip,
        !          9335:                And then you'll be sure
        !          9336:                Your tape drive will skip.
        !          9337: 
        !          9338:                -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
        !          9339: %
        !          9340: "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
        !          9341: would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
        !          9342: that much."
        !          9343:                -- Augustine
        !          9344: %
        !          9345: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        !          9346:        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        !          9347: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
        !          9348: %
        !          9349: "Nirvana?  Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
        !          9350: hang out.
        !          9351:                -- Zonker Harris
        !          9352: %
        !          9353: No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
        !          9354: absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
        !          9355:                -- Fran Lebowitz
        !          9356: %
        !          9357: No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
        !          9358: camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
        !          9359: effectively under such difficult conditions.
        !          9360:                -- Laurence J. Peter
        !          9361: %
        !          9362: No good deed goes unpunished.
        !          9363:                -- Clare Boothe Luce
        !          9364: %
        !          9365: No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
        !          9366: eating one peanut.
        !          9367:                -- Channing Pollock
        !          9368: %
        !          9369: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
        !          9370: %
        !          9371: No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
        !          9372: seriously cramp his style.
        !          9373: %
        !          9374: No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
        !          9375: immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
        !          9376: %
        !          9377: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        !          9378:                -- Eleanor Roosevelt
        !          9379: %
        !          9380: "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
        !          9381: %
        !          9382: No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
        !          9383: system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
        !          9384: the author.
        !          9385:                -- Chris Shaw
        !          9386: %
        !          9387: No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
        !          9388: He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
        !          9389: Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
        !          9390: And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
        !          9391: CHORUS:
        !          9392:        Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
        !          9393:        And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
        !          9394:        Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
        !          9395:        And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
        !          9396: Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
        !          9397: And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
        !          9398: All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
        !          9399: But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
        !          9400:                (chorus)
        !          9401: Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
        !          9402: The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
        !          9403: A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
        !          9404: But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
        !          9405:                (chorus)
        !          9406: %
        !          9407: No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
        !          9408: %
        !          9409: No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
        !          9410: %
        !          9411: "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
        !          9412: occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
        !          9413: indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
        !          9414: occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
        !          9415: an indication-applied occurrence."
        !          9416:                -- ALGOL 68 Report
        !          9417: %
        !          9418: "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
        !          9419: paper."
        !          9420:                -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
        !          9421:                   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
        !          9422: %
        !          9423:        No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
        !          9424: the furniture!
        !          9425:                -- Sherlock Holmes
        !          9426: %
        !          9427: "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
        !          9428:                -- Dr. Who
        !          9429: %
        !          9430: Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing
        !          9431: it.
        !          9432:                -- Tallulah Bankhead
        !          9433: %
        !          9434: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
        !          9435: %
        !          9436: Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
        !          9437: %
        !          9438: Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
        !          9439: order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
        !          9440: substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
        !          9441: and rob the old.
        !          9442:                -- Lewis Lapham
        !          9443: %
        !          9444: Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
        !          9445: constructive praise.
        !          9446: %
        !          9447: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        !          9448:        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        !          9449:        Positive expectations yield negative results.
        !          9450: %
        !          9451: Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
        !          9452: %
        !          9453: Noncombatant, n.:
        !          9454:        A dead Quaker.
        !          9455:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          9456: %
        !          9457: Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
        !          9458: %
        !          9459: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
        !          9460: %
        !          9461: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
        !          9462: %
        !          9463: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
        !          9464: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
        !          9465: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
        !          9466: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
        !          9467: dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
        !          9468: respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
        !          9469: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
        !          9470: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
        !          9471: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
        !          9472:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          9473: %
        !          9474: "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
        !          9475:                -- Shakespeare
        !          9476: %
        !          9477: "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
        !          9478: is from the wrong kind of tree."
        !          9479:                -- Professor W.
        !          9480: %
        !          9481: Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
        !          9482: of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
        !          9483: is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
        !          9484: unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is
        !          9485: careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
        !          9486:                -- Woody Allen
        !          9487: %
        !          9488: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
        !          9489: %
        !          9490: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
        !          9491: %
        !          9492: Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
        !          9493: 
        !          9494: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
        !          9495: light comes on.
        !          9496: %
        !          9497: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
        !          9498:                -- Andrew Young
        !          9499: %
        !          9500: Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
        !          9501: tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
        !          9502:                -- Nero Wolfe
        !          9503: %
        !          9504: Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
        !          9505: Conscience makes egotists of us all.
        !          9506:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          9507: %
        !          9508: Nothing recedes like success.
        !          9509:                -- Walter Winchell
        !          9510: %
        !          9511: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
        !          9512: love.
        !          9513:                -- Charlie Brown
        !          9514: %
        !          9515: November, n.:
        !          9516:        The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
        !          9517:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9518: %
        !          9519: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
        !          9520: %
        !          9521: Now I lay me down to sleep
        !          9522: I pray the double lock will keep;
        !          9523: May no brick through the window break,
        !          9524: And, no one rob me till I awake.
        !          9525: %
        !          9526: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
        !          9527:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          9528: %
        !          9529: Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
        !          9530: time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
        !          9531: to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
        !          9532: eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
        !          9533: the following questions:
        !          9534: 
        !          9535: (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
        !          9536:     food?
        !          9537: (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
        !          9538:     exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
        !          9539: (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
        !          9540:     prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
        !          9541:     double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
        !          9542:     right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
        !          9543:     longer.)
        !          9544: 
        !          9545: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
        !          9546: %
        !          9547: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
        !          9548: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
        !          9549: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
        !          9550:                -- "The Begatting of a President"
        !          9551: %
        !          9552: "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a
        !          9553: smurfette."
        !          9554:                -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
        !          9555: %
        !          9556: ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
        !          9557: get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
        !          9558: the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
        !          9559: on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
        !          9560: children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
        !          9561: snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
        !          9562: to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
        !          9563: a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
        !          9564: outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
        !          9565: he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
        !          9566: Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
        !          9567: Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
        !          9568: kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
        !          9569: children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
        !          9570: quickly.
        !          9571:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          9572: %
        !          9573:        Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
        !          9574: tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
        !          9575:        Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
        !          9576: plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
        !          9577: they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
        !          9578: Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
        !          9579: administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
        !          9580: you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
        !          9581: described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
        !          9582: interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
        !          9583: that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
        !          9584:        This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
        !          9585: inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
        !          9586: so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
        !          9587: if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
        !          9588: direct sunlight.
        !          9589:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          9590: %
        !          9591: "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
        !          9592:                -- Karl Lehenbauer
        !          9593: %
        !          9594: "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 
        !          9595: normal routines, for children and adults alike."
        !          9596:                -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
        !          9597: %
        !          9598: "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
        !          9599:                -- Ted Turner
        !          9600: %
        !          9601: [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
        !          9602:                -- Edwin Meese III
        !          9603: %
        !          9604: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
        !          9605: %
        !          9606: (null cookie; hope that's ok)
        !          9607: %
        !          9608: Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
        !          9609: guessing.
        !          9610: %
        !          9611: O give me a home,
        !          9612: Where the buffalo roam,
        !          9613: Where the deer and the antelope play,
        !          9614: Where seldom is heard
        !          9615: A discouraging word,
        !          9616: 'Cause what can an antelope say?
        !          9617: %
        !          9618: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        !          9619:        Murphy was an optimist.
        !          9620: %
        !          9621: "Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a
        !          9622: fake?"
        !          9623: %
        !          9624: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
        !          9625: reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
        !          9626: amount of hot air.
        !          9627:                -- Thomas L. Martin
        !          9628: %
        !          9629: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
        !          9630:                -- Plato
        !          9631: %
        !          9632: Of all the words of witch's doom
        !          9633: There's none so bad as which and whom.
        !          9634: The man who kills both which and whom
        !          9635: Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
        !          9636:                -- Fletcher Knebel
        !          9637: %
        !          9638: "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
        !          9639: tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
        !          9640:                -- Crazy Nigel
        !          9641: %
        !          9642: Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
        !          9643: %
        !          9644: Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.
        !          9645: And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
        !          9646: blazer.
        !          9647: %
        !          9648: Office Automation, n.:
        !          9649:        The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
        !          9650: you would want to talk with over coffee.
        !          9651: %
        !          9652: Ogden's Law:
        !          9653:        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
        !          9654: up.
        !          9655: %
        !          9656: Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
        !          9657: %
        !          9658: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
        !          9659:        When all goes right and none goes wrong,
        !          9660: And isn't your life extremely flat
        !          9661:        With nothing whatever to grumble at!
        !          9662: %
        !          9663: Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
        !          9664:        I muck with indices and structs all day
        !          9665: And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
        !          9666:        Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
        !          9667: %
        !          9668: Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
        !          9669: be irresponsible, too.
        !          9670:                -- Lichty & Wagner
        !          9671: %
        !          9672: Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
        !          9673: And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
        !          9674: Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
        !          9675: Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
        !          9676: You have not dreamed of --
        !          9677: Wheeled and soared and swung
        !          9678: High in the sunlit silence.
        !          9679: Hovering there
        !          9680: I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
        !          9681: My eager craft through footless halls of air.
        !          9682: Up, up along delirious, burning blue
        !          9683: I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
        !          9684: Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
        !          9685: And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
        !          9686: The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
        !          9687: Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
        !          9688:                -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
        !          9689: %
        !          9690: Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
        !          9691: %
        !          9692: Oh, when I was in love with you,
        !          9693:        Then I was clean and brave,
        !          9694: And miles around the wonder grew
        !          9695:        How well did I behave.
        !          9696: 
        !          9697: And now the fancy passes by,
        !          9698:        And nothing will remain,
        !          9699: And miles around they'll say that I
        !          9700:        Am quite myself again.
        !          9701:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          9702: %
        !          9703: Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
        !          9704: %
        !          9705: "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
        !          9706:                -- Dr. Joy
        !          9707: %
        !          9708: OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
        !          9709: %
        !          9710: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
        !          9711:                -- Trotsky
        !          9712: %
        !          9713: Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
        !          9714: %
        !          9715: Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
        !          9716: %
        !          9717: Oliver's Law:
        !          9718:        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        !          9719: it.
        !          9720: %
        !          9721: Omnibiblious, adj.:
        !          9722:        Indifferent to type of drink.  "Oh, you can get me anything.
        !          9723: I'm omnibiblious."
        !          9724: %
        !          9725: OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of
        !          9726: JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
        !          9727: as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
        !          9728: WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
        !          9729: %
        !          9730: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
        !          9731: 
        !          9732: "This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
        !          9733:                -- Wolfgang Pauli
        !          9734: %
        !          9735: On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
        !          9736: nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
        !          9737: what it does.
        !          9738:                -- Will Rogers
        !          9739: %
        !          9740:        On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
        !          9741: receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
        !          9742: income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
        !          9743: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
        !          9744:        "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
        !          9745: route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
        !          9746:        "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
        !          9747: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
        !          9748: worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
        !          9749: %
        !          9750: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
        !          9751: created jerks.
        !          9752:                -- Avery
        !          9753: %
        !          9754: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
        !          9755: created jerks.
        !          9756:                -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
        !          9757: %
        !          9758: On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
        !          9759: POINT ...
        !          9760: %
        !          9761: On the subject of C program indentation:
        !          9762: 
        !          9763:        "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
        !          9764:        indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
        !          9765:                -- Blair P. Houghton
        !          9766: %
        !          9767: "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
        !          9768: Mr.  Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
        !          9769: answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
        !          9770: confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
        !          9771:                -- Charles Babbage
        !          9772: %
        !          9773: On-line, adj.:
        !          9774:        The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
        !          9775: computer.
        !          9776: %
        !          9777: Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
        !          9778: forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
        !          9779:                -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
        !          9780: %
        !          9781: Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
        !          9782: each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
        !          9783: choice.
        !          9784: 
        !          9785: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
        !          9786: called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
        !          9787: and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People
        !          9788: passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
        !          9789: Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
        !          9790:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          9791: %
        !          9792: Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
        !          9793: Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
        !          9794: Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
        !          9795: principals or your mistress".
        !          9796: %
        !          9797: Once Law was sitting on the bench
        !          9798:        And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
        !          9799: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
        !          9800:        Nor come before me creeping.
        !          9801: Upon you knees if you appear,
        !          9802: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
        !          9803: 
        !          9804: Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
        !          9805:        "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
        !          9806: "Amica curiae," she replied --
        !          9807:        "Friend of the court, so please you."
        !          9808: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
        !          9809: I never saw your face before!"
        !          9810:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9811: %
        !          9812: Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
        !          9813: beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
        !          9814: side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
        !          9815: which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
        !          9816: sky.
        !          9817:                -- Rainer Rilke
        !          9818: %
        !          9819:        Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
        !          9820: great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
        !          9821: the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
        !          9822: life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
        !          9823: one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
        !          9824: going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
        !          9825: shall die of boredom."
        !          9826:        The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that
        !          9827: current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
        !          9828: rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
        !          9829:        But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
        !          9830: and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
        !          9831: Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
        !          9832: lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
        !          9833:        And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
        !          9834: "See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
        !          9835: Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
        !          9836: said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
        !          9837: free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
        !          9838: adventure.
        !          9839:        But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
        !          9840: the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
        !          9841: %
        !          9842: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
        !          9843: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
        !          9844: the smaller prime numbers.
        !          9845: 
        !          9846: 2:  The Odd Prime --
        !          9847:        It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
        !          9848: 3:  The True Prime --
        !          9849:        Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
        !          9850: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
        !          9851:        Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
        !          9852:        in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
        !          9853:        received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
        !          9854:        next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
        !          9855:        at all.
        !          9856: 
        !          9857: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
        !          9858: derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
        !          9859: true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
        !          9860: %
        !          9861: ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
        !          9862: with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
        !          9863: shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
        !          9864: advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
        !          9865: shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
        !          9866: them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
        !          9867:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          9868: %
        !          9869: Once, adv.:
        !          9870:        Enough.
        !          9871:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9872: %
        !          9873: One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
        !          9874: somebody's listening.
        !          9875:                -- Franklin P. Jones
        !          9876: %
        !          9877: "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
        !          9878: 
        !          9879: Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
        !          9880: The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
        !          9881:                -- Chuq Von Rospach
        !          9882: %
        !          9883: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
        !          9884: %
        !          9885: One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
        !          9886: how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
        !          9887:                -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
        !          9888: %
        !          9889: One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
        !          9890: the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald
        !          9891: announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
        !          9892: a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The
        !          9893: captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth
        !          9894: -- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,
        !          9895: "to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if
        !          9896: I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
        !          9897: "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
        !          9898: %
        !          9899: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
        !          9900: when well oiled.
        !          9901: %
        !          9902: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
        !          9903: never have to stop and answer the phone.
        !          9904: %
        !          9905: One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
        !          9906:                -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
        !          9907: %
        !          9908: One learns to itch where one can scratch.
        !          9909:                -- Ernest Bramah
        !          9910: %
        !          9911: One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
        !          9912: one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
        !          9913: produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
        !          9914: represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
        !          9915: many ...
        !          9916:                -- Anthony Chevins
        !          9917: %
        !          9918: One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
        !          9919: %
        !          9920: One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
        !          9921: will it live?"  The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
        !          9922: I'll tell you."
        !          9923: %
        !          9924: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
        !          9925: %
        !          9926: One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
        !          9927: from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
        !          9928: least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
        !          9929: are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
        !          9930: when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
        !          9931:                -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
        !          9932: %
        !          9933: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
        !          9934: do and always a clever thing to say.
        !          9935:                -- Will Durant
        !          9936: %
        !          9937: "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
        !          9938: lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
        !          9939: their C programs."
        !          9940:                -- Robert Firth
        !          9941: %
        !          9942: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
        !          9943: create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
        !          9944: retail."
        !          9945:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          9946: %
        !          9947:        One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
        !          9948: enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
        !          9949:        Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
        !          9950: years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
        !          9951: Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple
        !          9952: language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for
        !          9953: students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
        !          9954: interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of
        !          9955: its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on
        !          9956: VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
        !          9957:        It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
        !          9958: run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
        !          9959: will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
        !          9960:        With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
        !          9961: quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With
        !          9962: VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
        !          9963: documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the
        !          9964: difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
        !          9965: is that it's all there.
        !          9966:                -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
        !          9967: %
        !          9968: One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
        !          9969: seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
        !          9970: way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
        !          9971: fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
        !          9972: disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
        !          9973: %
        !          9974: The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
        !          9975:        Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
        !          9976: fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
        !          9977: other ways.
        !          9978: %
        !          9979: The First Commandment for Technicians:
        !          9980:        Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
        !          9981: capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
        !          9982: untechnician-like manner.
        !          9983: %
        !          9984: One Page Principle:
        !          9985:        A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
        !          9986: paper cannot be understood.
        !          9987:                -- Mark Ardis
        !          9988: %
        !          9989: "One planet is all you get."
        !          9990: %
        !          9991: One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
        !          9992: manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
        !          9993: they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's
        !          9994: say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
        !          9995: study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
        !          9996: sherbet.  Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
        !          9997: strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
        !          9998: rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.  It could also
        !          9999: be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.  ("Mr.
        !          10000: Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
        !          10001: Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
        !          10002: millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
        !          10003: support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that
        !          10004: your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
        !          10005: of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
        !          10006: already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
        !          10007:                -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
        !          10008: %
        !          10009: One reason why George Washington
        !          10010: Is held in such veneration:
        !          10011: He never blamed his problems
        !          10012: On the former Administration.
        !          10013:                -- George O. Ludcke
        !          10014: %
        !          10015: One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
        !          10016: %
        !          10017: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
        !          10018: paint.
        !          10019: %
        !          10020: "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
        !          10021: sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
        !          10022: sheer terror."
        !          10023:                -- W. K. Hartmann
        !          10024: %
        !          10025: One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
        !          10026: new model.
        !          10027: %
        !          10028: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
        !          10029: %
        !          10030: One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
        !          10031: at the stake while the votes were being counted.
        !          10032:                -- Thomas B. Reed
        !          10033: %
        !          10034: One-Shot Case Study, n.:
        !          10035:        The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
        !          10036: it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
        !          10037: green.
        !          10038: %
        !          10039: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
        !          10040: %
        !          10041: Only God can make random selections.
        !          10042: %
        !          10043: Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
        !          10044: use the editorial "we."
        !          10045: %
        !          10046: Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
        !          10047: %
        !          10048: Optimization hinders evolution.
        !          10049: %
        !          10050: Optimization hinders evolution.
        !          10051: %
        !          10052: Oregano, n.:
        !          10053:        The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
        !          10054: %
        !          10055: Oregon, n.:
        !          10056:        Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
        !          10057: night.
        !          10058: %
        !          10059: Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry
        !          10060: is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
        !          10061:                -- Mike Adams
        !          10062: %
        !          10063: Osborn's Law:
        !          10064:        Variables won't; constants aren't.
        !          10065: %
        !          10066: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
        !          10067: nails.
        !          10068: %
        !          10069: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
        !          10070: they charge fifteen cents for them.
        !          10071: %
        !          10072: Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
        !          10073: office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
        !          10074: were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of
        !          10075: juice.  But only *__he* had a lollipop.
        !          10076: 
        !          10077: He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
        !          10078: 
        !          10079: Her reply:
        !          10080: 
        !          10081:        "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it
        !          10082:        means to be a programmer."
        !          10083: %
        !          10084: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        !          10085:        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        !          10086:        In kernel as it is in user!
        !          10087: %
        !          10088: Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
        !          10089:                -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
        !          10090: %
        !          10091: ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
        !          10092: Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One
        !          10093: thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If
        !          10094: somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
        !          10095: on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
        !          10096: a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
        !          10097:                -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
        !          10098: %
        !          10099: "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
        !          10100:                -- Alex Schure
        !          10101: %
        !          10102: "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
        !          10103:                -- Alex Schure
        !          10104: %
        !          10105: Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
        !          10106:                -- General Omar N. Bradley
        !          10107: %
        !          10108:                OUTCONERR
        !          10109: Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
        !          10110:        Did logzerneg the ifthen block
        !          10111: All kludgy were the function flows
        !          10112:        And subroutines adhoc.
        !          10113: 
        !          10114: Beware the runtime-bug my friend
        !          10115:        squrooneg, the false goto
        !          10116: Beware the infiniteloop
        !          10117:        And shun the inprectoo.
        !          10118: %
        !          10119: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
        !          10120: it's too dark to read."
        !          10121:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          10122: %
        !          10123: Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
        !          10124: I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
        !          10125: %
        !          10126: Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
        !          10127: %
        !          10128: Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
        !          10129: %
        !          10130: Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
        !          10131: %
        !          10132: Ozman's Laws:
        !          10133:        (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
        !          10134:            won't.
        !          10135:        (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
        !          10136:            make.
        !          10137:        (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
        !          10138:        (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
        !          10139: %
        !          10140: Painting, n.:
        !          10141:        The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
        !          10142: exposing them to the critic.
        !          10143:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          10144: %
        !          10145: panic: can't find /
        !          10146: %
        !          10147: panic: kernel trap (ignored)
        !          10148: %
        !          10149: Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
        !          10150: better.
        !          10151:                -- Laurie Anderson
        !          10152: %
        !          10153: Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
        !          10154: %
        !          10155: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
        !          10156: %
        !          10157: Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
        !          10158: %
        !          10159: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
        !          10160: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        !          10161:                -- D. J. Hicks
        !          10162: %
        !          10163: Pardo's First Postulate:
        !          10164:        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
        !          10165: fattening.
        !          10166: 
        !          10167: Arnold's Addendum:
        !          10168:        Everything else causes cancer in rats.
        !          10169: %
        !          10170: Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
        !          10171: %
        !          10172: Parker's Law:
        !          10173:        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
        !          10174: %
        !          10175: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        !          10176:        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        !          10177: bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
        !          10178: %
        !          10179: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        !          10180:        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        !          10181: regardless of the amount of work to be done.
        !          10182: %
        !          10183: Parsley
        !          10184:         is gharsley.
        !          10185:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          10186: %
        !          10187: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
        !          10188: %
        !          10189: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
        !          10190:                -- Steven Feiner
        !          10191: %
        !          10192: "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
        !          10193:                -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
        !          10194: %
        !          10195: Pascal Users:
        !          10196:        To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
        !          10197: death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
        !          10198: %
        !          10199: Pascal, n.:
        !          10200:        A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
        !          10201: his grave if he knew about it.
        !          10202: %
        !          10203: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
        !          10204:                -- Eric Hoffer
        !          10205: %
        !          10206: Patageometry, n.:
        !          10207:        The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
        !          10208: under brain transplants.
        !          10209: %
        !          10210: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
        !          10211: %
        !          10212: Paul's Law:
        !          10213:        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
        !          10214: save.
        !          10215: %
        !          10216: Paul's Law:
        !          10217:        You can't fall off the floor.
        !          10218: %
        !          10219: Peace, n.:
        !          10220:        In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
        !          10221: periods of fighting.
        !          10222:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          10223: %
        !          10224: Peanut Blossoms
        !          10225: 
        !          10226: 4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
        !          10227: 4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
        !          10228: 4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
        !          10229: 8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
        !          10230: 4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
        !          10231: 
        !          10232: Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
        !          10233: sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
        !          10234: Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
        !          10235: hell of a lot.
        !          10236: %
        !          10237: Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
        !          10238:        Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
        !          10239: it.
        !          10240: %
        !          10241: Pedaeration, n.:
        !          10242:        The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
        !          10243: sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
        !          10244:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          10245: %
        !          10246: Penguin Trivia #46:
        !          10247:        Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
        !          10248:                -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
        !          10249: %
        !          10250: People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.
        !          10251:                -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
        !          10252: %
        !          10253: People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
        !          10254: the future.
        !          10255: %
        !          10256: "People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense."
        !          10257:                -- Ken Kesey
        !          10258: %
        !          10259: People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
        !          10260: %
        !          10261: People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
        !          10262: press than people who are just funny and smart.
        !          10263:                -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
        !          10264: %
        !          10265: People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
        !          10266: slept in a room with a single mosquito.
        !          10267: %
        !          10268: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
        !          10269: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
        !          10270:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          10271: %
        !          10272: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
        !          10273: Benjamin Franklin said it first.
        !          10274: %
        !          10275: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
        !          10276: %
        !          10277: People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
        !          10278: did yesterday.
        !          10279: %
        !          10280: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
        !          10281: "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
        !          10282:                -- Aelius Donatus
        !          10283: %
        !          10284: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
        !          10285: %
        !          10286: Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
        !          10287: when there is no longer anything to take away.
        !          10288:                -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
        !          10289: %
        !          10290: Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
        !          10291: %
        !          10292: Peter's Law of Substitution:
        !          10293:        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        !          10294: themselves.
        !          10295: %
        !          10296: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
        !          10297: exciting Camden, New Jersey.
        !          10298: %
        !          10299: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
        !          10300: %
        !          10301: Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
        !          10302:                -- John Keats
        !          10303: %
        !          10304: Pick another fortune cookie.
        !          10305: %
        !          10306: "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
        !          10307: hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
        !          10308: sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
        !          10309: %
        !          10310: Pig, n.:
        !          10311:        An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
        !          10312: by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
        !          10313: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
        !          10314:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          10315: %
        !          10316: PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
        !          10317:        You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
        !          10318: followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
        !          10319: associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
        !          10320: confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
        !          10321: things to small animals.
        !          10322: %
        !          10323: PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
        !          10324:        Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
        !          10325: American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as
        !          10326: nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will
        !          10327: probably get run over by a bus.
        !          10328: %
        !          10329:                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test
        !          10330: 
        !          10331: (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
        !          10332:     but a steady left tail light.  This means
        !          10333: 
        !          10334:        (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
        !          10335:            to call the problem to the driver's attention.
        !          10336:        (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
        !          10337:        (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
        !          10338:        (d) the driver is from out of town.
        !          10339: 
        !          10340: The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
        !          10341: countries to signal turns.
        !          10342: %
        !          10343:                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test
        !          10344: 
        !          10345: (8) Pedestrians are
        !          10346: 
        !          10347:        (a) irrelevant.
        !          10348:        (b) communists.
        !          10349:        (c) a nuisance.
        !          10350:        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
        !          10351: 
        !          10352: The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
        !          10353: totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
        !          10354: %
        !          10355: Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
        !          10356:                -- Don Marquis
        !          10357: %
        !          10358: PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
        !          10359: solution set.
        !          10360:                -- E. W. Dijkstra
        !          10361: %
        !          10362: "Plaese porrf raed."
        !          10363:                -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
        !          10364: %
        !          10365: Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
        !          10366: because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
        !          10367: couldn't compete successfully with poets.
        !          10368:                -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
        !          10369:                   Shell"
        !          10370: %
        !          10371: Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
        !          10372: them.
        !          10373: %
        !          10374: Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
        !          10375: table.
        !          10376:                -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
        !          10377: %
        !          10378: Please ignore previous fortune.
        !          10379: %
        !          10380: Please take note:
        !          10381: %
        !          10382: Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
        !          10383: until you are told that those rooms are "punched out".  Once punched
        !          10384: out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
        !          10385: and such.
        !          10386:                -- N. Meyrowitz
        !          10387: %
        !          10388: Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
        !          10389: %
        !          10390:        Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
        !          10391: requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
        !          10392: into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
        !          10393: problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
        !          10394: radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
        !          10395: plumbing works.
        !          10396:        A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
        !          10397: except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
        !          10398: it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
        !          10399: and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
        !          10400: all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
        !          10401: kill you.
        !          10402:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          10403: %
        !          10404: PLUNDERER'S THEME
        !          10405: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
        !          10406: 
        !          10407: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          10408: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
        !          10409: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
        !          10410: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          10411: %
        !          10412: Pohl's law:
        !          10413:        Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
        !          10414: %
        !          10415: Police:        Good evening, are you the host?
        !          10416: Host:  No.
        !          10417: Police:        We've been getting complaints about this party.
        !          10418: Host:  About the drugs?
        !          10419: Police:        No.
        !          10420: Host:  About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
        !          10421: Police:        No, the noise.
        !          10422: Host:  Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
        !          10423:        or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
        !          10424:        background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
        !          10425:        The neighbors?
        !          10426: Police:        No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
        !          10427:        complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
        !          10428:        ask the host to quiet things down?
        !          10429: Host:  No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
        !          10430:        religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
        !          10431:        room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
        !          10432:        lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
        !          10433:        onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
        !          10434:        down.
        !          10435: %
        !          10436: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
        !          10437: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
        !          10438: %
        !          10439: Politician, n.:
        !          10440:        An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
        !          10441: organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
        !          10442: agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
        !          10443: with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
        !          10444:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          10445: %
        !          10446: Politician, n.:
        !          10447:        From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
        !          10448: "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence
        !          10449: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
        !          10450:                -- Martin Pitt
        !          10451: %
        !          10452: Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
        !          10453: where there is no river.
        !          10454:        -- Nikita Khrushchev
        !          10455: %
        !          10456: Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
        !          10457: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
        !          10458: %
        !          10459: Polymer physicists are into chains.
        !          10460: %
        !          10461: Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
        !          10462: Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
        !          10463: white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
        !          10464: it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
        !          10465: name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
        !          10466: laughter, singing
        !          10467:        Half a pound of tuppenny rice
        !          10468:        Half a pound of treacle
        !          10469:        That's the way the chimney smokes
        !          10470:        Pope Goestheveezl
        !          10471: The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
        !          10472: laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for
        !          10473: hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
        !          10474: Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
        !          10475:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          10476: %
        !          10477: Portable, adj.:
        !          10478:        Survives system reboot.
        !          10479: %
        !          10480: Positive, adj.:
        !          10481:        Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
        !          10482:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          10483: %
        !          10484: Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
        !          10485: %
        !          10486: "Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat"
        !          10487:                -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
        !          10488: %
        !          10489: Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
        !          10490: %
        !          10491: Power, n:
        !          10492:        The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
        !          10493: %
        !          10494: Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
        !          10495: more time for dreaming.
        !          10496:                -- J. P. McEvoy
        !          10497: %
        !          10498: Predestination was doomed from the start.
        !          10499: %
        !          10500: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
        !          10501: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
        !          10502: %
        !          10503: President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
        !          10504: vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
        !          10505:                -- The Washington Post
        !          10506: %
        !          10507: Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
        !          10508: %
        !          10509: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        !          10510:        It's on the other side.
        !          10511: %
        !          10512: [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
        !          10513: to see him work.
        !          10514:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          10515: %
        !          10516: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
        !          10517: %
        !          10518: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
        !          10519: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
        !          10520: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
        !          10521: Because she's unable to postulate how.
        !          10522:                -- Frederick Winsor
        !          10523: %
        !          10524: Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
        !          10525: orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
        !          10526: is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
        !          10527:                -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
        !          10528:                   Teen Should Know"
        !          10529: %
        !          10530: Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
        !          10531:         encryption standard and they came up with ...
        !          10532: Student: EBCDIC!"
        !          10533: %
        !          10534: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
        !          10535: Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on
        !          10536: his exam.  Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
        !          10537: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
        !          10538: %
        !          10539: Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
        !          10540: 
        !          10541: This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
        !          10542: techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
        !          10543: 
        !          10544: SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
        !          10545: 
        !          10546:        We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
        !          10547: for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
        !          10548: as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
        !          10549: trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
        !          10550: can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
        !          10551: about _n.
        !          10552:        QED.    (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
        !          10553: %
        !          10554: Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
        !          10555:        SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
        !          10556: (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
        !          10557: (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
        !          10558: (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
        !          10559:     legs for a horse.
        !          10560: (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
        !          10561: (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
        !          10562: 
        !          10563: Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
        !          10564:        Intimidation
        !          10565:        Gesticulation (handwaving)
        !          10566:        "Try it; it works"
        !          10567:        Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
        !          10568:        Blatant assertion
        !          10569:        Changing all the 2's to _n's
        !          10570:        Mutual consent
        !          10571:        Lack of a counterexample, and
        !          10572:        "It stands to reason"
        !          10573: %
        !          10574: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
        !          10575: 
        !          10576: BBW    Branch Both Ways
        !          10577: BEW    Branch Either Way
        !          10578: BBBF   Branch on Bit Bucket Full
        !          10579: BH     Branch and Hang
        !          10580: BMR    Branch Multiple Registers
        !          10581: BOB    Branch On Bug
        !          10582: BPO    Branch on Power Off
        !          10583: BST    Backspace and Stretch Tape
        !          10584: CDS    Condense and Destroy System
        !          10585: CLBR   Clobber Register
        !          10586: CLBRI  Clobber Register Immediately
        !          10587: CM     Circulate Memory
        !          10588: CMFRM  Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
        !          10589: CPPR   Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
        !          10590: CRN    Convert to Roman Numerals
        !          10591: %
        !          10592: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
        !          10593: 
        !          10594: DC     Divide and Conquer
        !          10595: DMPK   Destroy Memory Protect Key
        !          10596: DO     Divide and Overflow
        !          10597: EMPC   Emulate Pocket Calculator
        !          10598: EPI    Execute Programmer Immediately
        !          10599: EROS   Erase Read Only Storage
        !          10600: EXCE   Execute Customer Engineer
        !          10601: HCF    Halt and Catch Fire
        !          10602: IBP    Insert Bug and Proceed
        !          10603: INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
        !          10604: PBC    Print and Break Chain
        !          10605: PDSK   Punch Disk
        !          10606: %
        !          10607: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
        !          10608: 
        !          10609: PI     Punch Invalid
        !          10610: POPI   Punch Operator Immediately
        !          10611: PVLC   Punch Variable Length Card
        !          10612: RASC   Read And Shred Card
        !          10613: RPM    Read Programmers Mind
        !          10614: RSSC   reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
        !          10615: RTAB   Rewind tape and break
        !          10616: RWDSK  rewind disk
        !          10617: RWOC   Read Writing On Card
        !          10618: SCRBL  scribble to disk  - faster than a write
        !          10619: SLC    Search for Lost Chord
        !          10620: SPSW   Scramble Program Status Word
        !          10621: SRSD   Seek Record and Scar Disk
        !          10622: STROM  Store in Read Only Memory
        !          10623: TDB    Transfer and Drop Bit
        !          10624: WBT    Water Binary Tree
        !          10625: %
        !          10626: "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
        !          10627: than the both put together."
        !          10628: %
        !          10629: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
        !          10630: three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
        !          10631: %
        !          10632: Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
        !          10633: anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
        !          10634:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          10635: %
        !          10636: Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
        !          10637: to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
        !          10638: to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
        !          10639: cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
        !          10640: fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
        !          10641: lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
        !          10642: the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
        !          10643:                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
        !          10644: %
        !          10645: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
        !          10646: %
        !          10647: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
        !          10648: %
        !          10649: Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
        !          10650: %
        !          10651: Put no trust in cryptic comments.
        !          10652: %
        !          10653: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
        !          10654:                -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
        !          10655: %
        !          10656: Putt's Law:
        !          10657:        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
        !          10658:                Those who understand what they do not manage.
        !          10659:                Those who manage what they do not understand.
        !          10660: %
        !          10661: Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
        !          10662: A:  One per person.
        !          10663: %
        !          10664: Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
        !          10665: A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
        !          10666: %
        !          10667: Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
        !          10668: A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          10669: %
        !          10670: Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
        !          10671: A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          10672: 
        !          10673: Q:  How long does it take?
        !          10674: A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
        !          10675:     brought with them.
        !          10676: 
        !          10677: Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?
        !          10678: A:  They replace your generator.
        !          10679: %
        !          10680: Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          10681: A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
        !          10682:     itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
        !          10683:     reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
        !          10684:     maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
        !          10685: %
        !          10686: Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
        !          10687:     in San Francisco?
        !          10688: A:  Both of them.
        !          10689: %
        !          10690: Q:  How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
        !          10691: A:  33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
        !          10692: %
        !          10693: Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
        !          10694: A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
        !          10695: %
        !          10696: Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
        !          10697: A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        !          10698:     Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
        !          10699:     the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
        !          10700:     of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
        !          10701:     of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
        !          10702: %
        !          10703: Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          10704: A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
        !          10705:     light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
        !          10706:     plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
        !          10707:     prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
        !          10708:     assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
        !          10709: %
        !          10710: Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          10711: A:  One and a half.
        !          10712: %
        !          10713: Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          10714: A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
        !          10715:     to the earlier joke.
        !          10716: %
        !          10717: Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          10718: A:  Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
        !          10719:     Californians trying to share the experience.
        !          10720: %
        !          10721: Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
        !          10722: A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
        !          10723:     with brightly colored machine tools.
        !          10724: %
        !          10725: Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          10726: A:  None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
        !          10727:     of the way.
        !          10728: %
        !          10729: Q:  What's a light-year?
        !          10730: A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
        !          10731: %
        !          10732: Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?
        !          10733: A:  Because it was on the other side.
        !          10734: %
        !          10735: Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?
        !          10736: A:  To stamp out forest fires.
        !          10737: 
        !          10738: Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?
        !          10739: A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
        !          10740: %
        !          10741: Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
        !          10742: A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
        !          10743: %
        !          10744: Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
        !          10745:    should I do?
        !          10746: 
        !          10747: A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
        !          10748:    believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be
        !          10749:    the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No
        !          10750:    time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
        !          10751:    somebody else has made the correction.
        !          10752: 
        !          10753:    And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
        !          10754:    the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
        !          10755:    to inform the whole net right away!
        !          10756: 
        !          10757:                -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
        !          10758:                   on Netiquette"
        !          10759: %
        !          10760: Quality Control, n.:
        !          10761:        The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
        !          10762: a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
        !          10763: %
        !          10764: Question:
        !          10765: Man Invented Alcohol,
        !          10766: God Invented Grass.
        !          10767: Who do you trust?
        !          10768: %
        !          10769: Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
        !          10770: %
        !          10771: Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
        !          10772: %
        !          10773: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
        !          10774: 
        !          10775: (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
        !          10776: %
        !          10777: Quigley's Law:
        !          10778:        Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
        !          10779: atttempt to use it.
        !          10780: %
        !          10781: QUOTE OF THE DAY:
        !          10782: 
        !          10783:        `
        !          10784: 
        !          10785: %
        !          10786: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
        !          10787: %
        !          10788: QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
        !          10789:        1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
        !          10790: kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.  [colloq.] one
        !          10791: thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
        !          10792: painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
        !          10793: person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
        !          10794:                -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
        !          10795: %
        !          10796: Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
        !          10797: %
        !          10798: Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
        !          10799: I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
        !          10800: computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
        !          10801: store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
        !          10802: all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
        !          10803: the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
        !          10804: they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
        !          10805: rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
        !          10806: Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
        !          10807: impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
        !          10808: goes, giving away the store?
        !          10809:                -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
        !          10810: %
        !          10811: Ray's Rule of Precision:
        !          10812:        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
        !          10813: %
        !          10814: Razors pain you;
        !          10815: Rivers are damp;
        !          10816: Acids stain you;
        !          10817: And drugs cause cramp.
        !          10818: Guns aren't lawful;
        !          10819: Nooses give;
        !          10820: Gas smells awful;
        !          10821: You might as well live.
        !          10822:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          10823: %
        !          10824: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
        !          10825: the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
        !          10826: with pictures.
        !          10827: %
        !          10828: Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
        !          10829: Congress.  But I repeat myself.
        !          10830:                -- Mark Twain
        !          10831: %
        !          10832: Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
        !          10833: value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
        !          10834: much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice
        !          10835: this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
        !          10836: %
        !          10837: Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
        !          10838: has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
        !          10839: machines are so poor at I/O.
        !          10840: %
        !          10841: Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
        !          10842: so long they can't afford the disk space.
        !          10843: %
        !          10844: Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
        !          10845: in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
        !          10846: %
        !          10847: Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker
        !          10848: with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
        !          10849: hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
        !          10850: applications.)
        !          10851: %
        !          10852: Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
        !          10853: on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
        !          10854: sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
        !          10855: %
        !          10856: Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
        !          10857: programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
        !          10858: trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
        !          10859: clear desks.
        !          10860: %
        !          10861: Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
        !          10862: doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell
        !          10863: quiche.
        !          10864: %
        !          10865: Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
        !          10866: should be hard to understand.
        !          10867: %
        !          10868: Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
        !          10869: illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
        !          10870: much good it did them.
        !          10871: %
        !          10872: Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
        !          10873: you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
        !          10874: wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
        !          10875: spring up in the middle of the machine room.
        !          10876: %
        !          10877: Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
        !          10878: in BASIC after reaching puberty.
        !          10879: %
        !          10880: Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
        !          10881: freaks and crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
        !          10882: wear white socks.
        !          10883: %
        !          10884: Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
        !          10885: can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
        !          10886: %
        !          10887: Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
        !          10888: %
        !          10889: Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
        !          10890: functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
        !          10891: %
        !          10892: Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
        !          10893: This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
        !          10894: computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
        !          10895: %
        !          10896: Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
        !          10897: greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
        !          10898: moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
        !          10899: systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
        !          10900: computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
        !          10901: DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
        !          10902: Correctness Verification Aid packages.
        !          10903: %
        !          10904: Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
        !          10905: job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
        !          10906: using an undocumented external procedure.
        !          10907: %
        !          10908: Real Time, adj.:
        !          10909:        Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
        !          10910: and then.
        !          10911: %
        !          10912: Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
        !          10913: afraid to break your face.
        !          10914: %
        !          10915: Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
        !          10916: down the system for days.
        !          10917: %
        !          10918: Real Users hate Real Programmers.
        !          10919: %
        !          10920: Real Users know your home telephone number.
        !          10921: %
        !          10922: Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
        !          10923: program doesn't deliver it.
        !          10924: %
        !          10925: Real Users never use the Help key.
        !          10926: %
        !          10927: Real World, The n.:
        !          10928:        1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
        !          10929: be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To
        !          10930: programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
        !          10931: to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
        !          10932: tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.
        !          10933: The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.
        !          10934: "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used
        !          10935: pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking
        !          10936: of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
        !          10937: deceased person.
        !          10938: %
        !          10939: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
        !          10940: %
        !          10941: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
        !          10942: %
        !          10943: Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
        !          10944:                -- Patrick Sky
        !          10945: %
        !          10946: Reality is for people who lack imagination.
        !          10947: %
        !          10948: Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
        !          10949: %
        !          10950: Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
        !          10951:                -- Alvy Ray Smith
        !          10952: %
        !          10953: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
        !          10954: away".
        !          10955:                -- Philip K. Dick
        !          10956: %
        !          10957: "Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
        !          10958: %
        !          10959: Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
        !          10960: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
        !          10961:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          10962: %
        !          10963: Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.  Depression is when you
        !          10964: lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
        !          10965: but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
        !          10966: Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
        !          10967: recessions.
        !          10968: %
        !          10969: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
        !          10970: Take not a single bit!
        !          10971: It used to point to me,
        !          10972: Now I'm protecting it.
        !          10973: It was the reader's CONS
        !          10974: That made it, paired by dot;
        !          10975: Now, GC, for the nonce,
        !          10976: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
        !          10977: %
        !          10978:        "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
        !          10979: Candy
        !          10980: Is dandy
        !          10981: But liquor
        !          10982: Is quicker.
        !          10983:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          10984: %
        !          10985: "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe
        !          10986: again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
        !          10987: which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
        !          10988: spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
        !          10989: starfield surrounding the ship.
        !          10990: 
        !          10991: "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
        !          10992: announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they
        !          10993: are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been
        !          10994: intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
        !          10995: transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
        !          10996: Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
        !          10997:                -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
        !          10998: %
        !          10999: Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
        !          11000:        If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
        !          11001: %
        !          11002: Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
        !          11003:                -- Anatole France
        !          11004: %
        !          11005: "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
        !          11006: it."
        !          11007:                -- Dave Barry
        !          11008: %
        !          11009: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
        !          11010: worse in Cleveland.
        !          11011:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          11012: %
        !          11013: Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
        !          11014: offense!
        !          11015: %
        !          11016: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
        !          11017: %
        !          11018: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
        !          11019: %
        !          11020: Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
        !          11021:                -- Dave Butler
        !          11022: %
        !          11023: Renning's Maxim:
        !          11024:        Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
        !          11025: %
        !          11026: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
        !          11027:        Civilization?
        !          11028: Gandhi:        I think it would be a good idea.
        !          11029: %
        !          11030: Reporter, n.:
        !          11031:        A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
        !          11032: tempest of words.
        !          11033:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          11034: %
        !          11035: REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
        !          11036:  
        !          11037: SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
        !          11038: the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
        !          11039: carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
        !          11040: I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
        !          11041: of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
        !          11042: do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
        !          11043: ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
        !          11044: need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
        !          11045: career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
        !          11046: that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
        !          11047: can't help it.
        !          11048:                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
        !          11049: %
        !          11050: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
        !          11051:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          11052: %
        !          11053: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
        !          11054: another chance later on.
        !          11055: %
        !          11056: Review Questions
        !          11057: 
        !          11058: (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
        !          11059:     and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
        !          11060:     he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
        !          11061:     Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
        !          11062: 
        !          11063: (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
        !          11064:     twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
        !          11065:     every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
        !          11066:     his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?
        !          11067: 
        !          11068: (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
        !          11069:     the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
        !          11070:     pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
        !          11071:     Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
        !          11072: %
        !          11073: Rhode's Law:
        !          11074:        When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
        !          11075: circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
        !          11076: empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
        !          11077: induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
        !          11078: for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
        !          11079: material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
        !          11080: none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
        !          11081: proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
        !          11082: universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
        !          11083: becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
        !          11084: %
        !          11085: "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
        !          11086:                -- Steven Wright
        !          11087: %
        !          11088: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        !          11089:        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        !          11090:        reject the proposal.
        !          11091: %
        !          11092: Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
        !          11093:                -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
        !          11094:                   Pogo"
        !          11095: %
        !          11096: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
        !          11097: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
        !          11098:        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
        !          11099: %
        !          11100: Rudin's Law:
        !          11101:        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
        !          11102: every time.
        !          11103: %
        !          11104: Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
        !          11105:        Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
        !          11106: be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person
        !          11107: shall be deemed to be a cat.
        !          11108: %
        !          11109: Rule of Creative Research:
        !          11110:        (1) Never draw what you can copy.
        !          11111:        (2) Never copy what you can trace.
        !          11112:        (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
        !          11113: %
        !          11114: Rule of Defactualization:
        !          11115:        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
        !          11116: %
        !          11117: Rule of Feline Frustration:
        !          11118:        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        !          11119: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
        !          11120: %
        !          11121: Rule of the Great:
        !          11122:        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        !          11123: thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
        !          11124: %
        !          11125: Rules for Academic Deans:
        !          11126:        (1)  HIDE!!!!
        !          11127:        (2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
        !          11128:                -- Father Damian C. Fandal
        !          11129: %
        !          11130: Rules for driving in New York:
        !          11131:        (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
        !          11132:        (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
        !          11133:            on.
        !          11134:        (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
        !          11135:            intersection.
        !          11136: %
        !          11137: RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
        !          11138:        (1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
        !          11139:        (2)  Never leave the table hungry.
        !          11140:        (3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
        !          11141:        (4)  Enjoy your food.
        !          11142:        (5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
        !          11143:        (6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
        !          11144:             accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
        !          11145:        (7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
        !          11146:             for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
        !          11147:             brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
        !          11148:        (8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
        !          11149:        (9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
        !          11150:             can always eat it later.
        !          11151:        (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
        !          11152:        (11) Avoid blue food.
        !          11153:                -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
        !          11154: %
        !          11155: Rules:
        !          11156:        (1)  The boss is always right.
        !          11157:        (2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
        !          11158: %
        !          11159:                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
        !          11160:                  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
        !          11161: 
        !          11162: (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
        !          11163:     ants.
        !          11164: (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
        !          11165: (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
        !          11166: (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
        !          11167: (5) Exotic birds flock around you.
        !          11168: (6) People ignore you at parties.
        !          11169: (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
        !          11170: (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
        !          11171: %
        !          11172:                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
        !          11173: (1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
        !          11174:      bomb; use the stairs.
        !          11175: (2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
        !          11176:      the ground.
        !          11177: (3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
        !          11178: (4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
        !          11179:      psychological problems.
        !          11180: (5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
        !          11181:      recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
        !          11182:      potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
        !          11183: (6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
        !          11184:      will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
        !          11185: (7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
        !          11186: (8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
        !          11187:      staggering illegally.
        !          11188: (9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
        !          11189:      sanitary due to limited circulation.
        !          11190: (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
        !          11191:      D-Day.
        !          11192: %
        !          11193: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
        !          11194:        You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
        !          11195:        tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
        !          11196:        of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
        !          11197:        laugh at you a great deal.
        !          11198: %
        !          11199: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
        !          11200:                -- Herb Caen
        !          11201: %
        !          11202: San Francisco, n.:
        !          11203:        Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
        !          11204: %
        !          11205: Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
        !          11206:                -- Mark Harrold
        !          11207: %
        !          11208: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        !          11209:        He must be a communist.
        !          11210: And a beard and long hair,
        !          11211:        Must be a pacifist.
        !          11212: 
        !          11213:        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
        !          11214:                -- Arlo Guthrie
        !          11215: %
        !          11216: Satellite Safety Tip #14:
        !          11217:        If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
        !          11218: %
        !          11219: Sattinger's Law:
        !          11220:        It works better if you plug it in.
        !          11221: %
        !          11222: Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
        !          11223:        Is like being nowhere at all,
        !          11224: All through the day how the hours rush by,
        !          11225:        You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
        !          11226:                -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
        !          11227: %
        !          11228: Sauron is alive in Argentina!
        !          11229: %
        !          11230: Save energy: be apathetic.
        !          11231: %
        !          11232: Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
        !          11233: %
        !          11234: Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
        !          11235: %
        !          11236: "Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
        !          11237: ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
        !          11238:                -- Steven Wright
        !          11239: %
        !          11240: SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
        !          11241:                -- Ken Thompson
        !          11242: %
        !          11243: Schapiro's Explanation:
        !          11244:        The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
        !          11245: because they use more manure.
        !          11246: %
        !          11247: Schizophrenia beats being alone.
        !          11248: %
        !          11249: Schlattwhapper, n.:
        !          11250:        The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
        !          11251: hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
        !          11252:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          11253: %
        !          11254: Schnuffel, n.:
        !          11255:        A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
        !          11256: mixed company.
        !          11257:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          11258: %
        !          11259: Schwiggle, n.:
        !          11260:        The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
        !          11261: pencil.
        !          11262:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          11263: %
        !          11264: Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
        !          11265: of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
        !          11266: is not necessarily science.
        !          11267:                -- Henri Poincair'e
        !          11268: %
        !          11269: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
        !          11270: %
        !          11271: Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
        !          11272:                -- William Buckley
        !          11273: 
        !          11274: %
        !          11275: SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
        !          11276:        You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
        !          11277:        achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
        !          11278:        ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
        !          11279: %
        !          11280: Scott's first Law:
        !          11281:        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
        !          11282: %
        !          11283: Scott's second Law:
        !          11284:        When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
        !          11285: to have been wrong in the first place.
        !          11286: 
        !          11287: Corollary:
        !          11288:        After the correction has been found in error, it will be
        !          11289: impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
        !          11290: %
        !          11291: Scotty:        Captain, we din' can reference it!
        !          11292: Kirk:  Analysis, Mr. Spock?
        !          11293: Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
        !          11294: Kirk:  Then it's of external origin?
        !          11295: Spock: Affirmative.
        !          11296: Kirk:  Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
        !          11297: Sulu:  Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
        !          11298: %
        !          11299: Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
        !          11300: %
        !          11301: Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
        !          11302: Presidency.
        !          11303:                -- Richard Nixon
        !          11304: %
        !          11305: Second Law of Business Meetings:
        !          11306:        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        !          11307: will pick the wrong one.
        !          11308: 
        !          11309: Corollary:
        !          11310:        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        !          11311: wrong, anyway.
        !          11312: %
        !          11313: "Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
        !          11314:        In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
        !          11315: multiline message byte.
        !          11316:        In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
        !          11317: must be sent passive true.
        !          11318:        The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
        !          11319:        (1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
        !          11320:        (2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
        !          11321:                (a)  The LADS is active
        !          11322:                (b)  Nor LACS is active"
        !          11323: 
        !          11324:                -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
        !          11325:                   Programmable Instrumentation
        !          11326: %
        !          11327: Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
        !          11328: %
        !          11329: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
        !          11330: She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
        !          11331: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
        !          11332: Silently scheming,
        !          11333: Sightlessly seeking
        !          11334: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
        !          11335:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          11336: %
        !          11337: "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
        !          11338: %
        !          11339: Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
        !          11340:        Ice Cream cures all ills.
        !          11341: %
        !          11342: Self Test for Paranoia:
        !          11343:        You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
        !          11344: your own fault.
        !          11345: %
        !          11346: Seminars, n.:
        !          11347:        From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
        !          11348: %
        !          11349: Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
        !          11350:                notify you if the record has pornographics material or
        !          11351:                material glorifying violence?"
        !          11352: Tipper Gore:   "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
        !          11353: Frank Zappa:   "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
        !          11354:                legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
        !          11355:                not for little Johnny."
        !          11356: 
        !          11357:                -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
        !          11358:                   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
        !          11359: %
        !          11360: Senate, n.:
        !          11361:        A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
        !          11362: misdemeanors.
        !          11363:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          11364: %
        !          11365: Serenity through viciousness.
        !          11366: %
        !          11367: Serocki's Stricture:
        !          11368:        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
        !          11369: %
        !          11370: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
        !          11371: %
        !          11372:        "Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
        !          11373: thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
        !          11374: advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
        !          11375:        "I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
        !          11376:        "Too proud?" the other enquired.
        !          11377:        Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
        !          11378: she said, "that one can't help growing older."
        !          11379:        "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
        !          11380: proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
        !          11381:                -- Lewis Carroll
        !          11382: %
        !          11383: Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
        !          11384: big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
        !          11385: reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
        !          11386: build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up
        !          11387: like crabgrass all over the United States.
        !          11388:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          11389: %
        !          11390: Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
        !          11391: %
        !          11392: Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
        !          11393:                -- Swami X
        !          11394: %
        !          11395: Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
        !          11396:                -- M. C. Reed.
        !          11397: %
        !          11398: Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
        !          11399: it's one of the best.
        !          11400:                -- Woody Allen
        !          11401: %
        !          11402: Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
        !          11403:        A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
        !          11404: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
        !          11405:        A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
        !          11406: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
        !          11407:        A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
        !          11408: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
        !          11409: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
        !          11410:        The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
        !          11411: am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
        !          11412: he's nobody!"
        !          11413:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          11414: %
        !          11415: Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
        !          11416: during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
        !          11417:                -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
        !          11418:                   Teen Should Know"
        !          11419: %
        !          11420: Shaw's Principle:
        !          11421:        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        !          11422: want to use it.
        !          11423: %
        !          11424: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
        !          11425:                -- Gypsy Rose Lee
        !          11426: %
        !          11427: She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
        !          11428:                -- Mark Twain
        !          11429: %
        !          11430: She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
        !          11431: were bad.
        !          11432: %
        !          11433: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
        !          11434: have poured on a waffle ...
        !          11435: %
        !          11436: "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
        !          11437: you should hear me play piano.'"
        !          11438:                -- Morrisey
        !          11439: %
        !          11440: She's genuinely bogus.
        !          11441: %
        !          11442: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
        !          11443: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
        !          11444: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
        !          11445:                -- Samuel Johnson
        !          11446: %
        !          11447: SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
        !          11448: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
        !          11449: %
        !          11450: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
        !          11451: playing golf with his boss.
        !          11452: %
        !          11453: Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
        !          11454: %
        !          11455: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
        !          11456:                -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
        !          11457: %
        !          11458: Silverman's Law:
        !          11459:        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
        !          11460: %
        !          11461: Simon's Law:
        !          11462:        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
        !          11463: %
        !          11464: Since I hurt my pendulum
        !          11465: My life is all erratic.
        !          11466: My parrot, who was cordial,
        !          11467: Is now transmitting static.
        !          11468: The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
        !          11469: The cat keeps doing poo.
        !          11470: The only thing that keeps me sane
        !          11471: Is talking to my shoe.
        !          11472:                -- My Shoe
        !          11473: %
        !          11474: Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
        !          11475: alive.
        !          11476:                -- John Sloan
        !          11477: %
        !          11478: Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
        !          11479:                -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
        !          11480: %
        !          11481: [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
        !          11482: vices I admire.
        !          11483:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          11484: %
        !          11485: Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
        !          11486: Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
        !          11487: excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
        !          11488: This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
        !          11489: examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
        !          11490: Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
        !          11491: printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
        !          11492: comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
        !          11493: no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
        !          11494: %
        !          11495: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        !          11496:        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        !          11497: or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
        !          11498: have gotten.
        !          11499: %
        !          11500: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
        !          11501: to work.
        !          11502: %
        !          11503: Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
        !          11504: when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
        !          11505: apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I
        !          11506: neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a
        !          11507: tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they
        !          11508: were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
        !          11509: souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a
        !          11510: testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
        !          11511: chains.
        !          11512:                -- Frederick Douglass
        !          11513: %
        !          11514: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        !          11515:        (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
        !          11516:            check.
        !          11517:        (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        !          11518:        (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
        !          11519:            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
        !          11520:            attracted to dark objects.
        !          11521: %
        !          11522: Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
        !          11523: %
        !          11524: Slurm, n.:
        !          11525:        The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
        !          11526: it sits in the dish too long.
        !          11527:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          11528: %
        !          11529: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
        !          11530:                -- Fletcher Knebel
        !          11531: %
        !          11532: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
        !          11533:                -- Fletcher Knebel
        !          11534: %
        !          11535: Snacktrek, n.:
        !          11536:        The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
        !          11537: returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
        !          11538: materialized.
        !          11539:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          11540: %
        !          11541: So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
        !          11542: your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
        !          11543: hurl it into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
        !          11544: array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
        !          11545: 
        !          11546: ... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
        !          11547: were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
        !          11548: that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
        !          11549: toenail dirt.  This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
        !          11550: made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
        !          11551: format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
        !          11552:                -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
        !          11553:                   Revolution"
        !          11554: %
        !          11555: So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
        !          11556: praise of intelligence.
        !          11557:                -- Bertrand Russell
        !          11558: %
        !          11559: ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
        !          11560: who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
        !          11561: and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
        !          11562: and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
        !          11563:                -- Voltarine de Cleyre
        !          11564: %
        !          11565:        So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
        !          11566: With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
        !          11567: maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
        !          11568: corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
        !          11569: flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
        !          11570: it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
        !          11571: I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
        !          11572: the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
        !          11573:        Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
        !          11574: I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
        !          11575: heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
        !          11576: unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
        !          11577: up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
        !          11578: opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
        !          11579: our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
        !          11580: the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
        !          11581: cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
        !          11582: these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
        !          11583: into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
        !          11584:                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
        !          11585: %
        !          11586: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
        !          11587: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
        !          11588: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very
        !          11589: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
        !          11590: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
        !          11591: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
        !          11592: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
        !          11593:                -- Samuel Foote
        !          11594: %
        !          11595: ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
        !          11596: procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
        !          11597: to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
        !          11598: sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
        !          11599: documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
        !          11600: listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
        !          11601: documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
        !          11602: under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
        !          11603: effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
        !          11604: scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
        !          11605: in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
        !          11606: thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
        !          11607: then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
        !          11608: dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
        !          11609: along.
        !          11610:                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
        !          11611: %
        !          11612: So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?  And why can't he ever
        !          11613: remember his Bible?
        !          11614: %
        !          11615: Sodd's Second Law:
        !          11616:        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        !          11617: bound to occur.
        !          11618: %
        !          11619: Software, n.:
        !          11620:        Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
        !          11621: %
        !          11622: Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
        !          11623: %
        !          11624: Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
        !          11625:                -- Ed Howe
        !          11626: %
        !          11627: Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
        !          11628: celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
        !          11629: stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
        !          11630: "The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind
        !          11631: of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The
        !          11632: government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
        !          11633: Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
        !          11634: billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
        !          11635: it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
        !          11636: thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
        !          11637: the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money
        !          11638: and go to a mall.
        !          11639:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          11640: %
        !          11641: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
        !          11642: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
        !          11643:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !          11644: %
        !          11645: Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
        !          11646: one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
        !          11647: %
        !          11648: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
        !          11649: them on the head.
        !          11650: %
        !          11651: Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
        !          11652: %
        !          11653: Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
        !          11654: you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
        !          11655: worse.
        !          11656:                -- Avery
        !          11657: %
        !          11658: Some points to remember [about animals]:
        !          11659: 
        !          11660: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
        !          11661:     hippopotamuses;
        !          11662: (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
        !          11663:     front of your clothes;
        !          11664: (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
        !          11665:     you have just kicked.
        !          11666:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          11667: %
        !          11668: Some primal termite knocked on wood.
        !          11669: And tasted it, and found it good.
        !          11670: And that is why your Cousin May
        !          11671: Fell through the parlor floor today.
        !          11672:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          11673: %
        !          11674: Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
        !          11675: progress.
        !          11676: %
        !          11677: Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
        !          11678: progress.
        !          11679:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          11680: %
        !          11681: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
        !          11682: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
        !          11683: %
        !          11684: Someone will try to honk your nose today.
        !          11685: %
        !          11686: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
        !          11687: the only ashtray."
        !          11688: %
        !          11689: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
        !          11690:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          11691: %
        !          11692: "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
        !          11693: Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
        !          11694: intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
        !          11695: and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
        !          11696: best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
        !          11697: we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
        !          11698: 
        !          11699: "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
        !          11700:                -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
        !          11701: %
        !          11702: Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
        !          11703: %
        !          11704: Song Title of the Week:
        !          11705:        "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
        !          11706: in me."
        !          11707: %
        !          11708: Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.  (Those who have already
        !          11709: paid may disregard this fortune).
        !          11710: %
        !          11711: Sorry, no fortune this time.
        !          11712: %
        !          11713: Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
        !          11714: %
        !          11715: Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
        !          11716: bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
        !          11717: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
        !          11718:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          11719: %
        !          11720: "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
        !          11721:                -- Samuel Goldwyn
        !          11722: %
        !          11723: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        !          11724:        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        !          11725: if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question
        !          11726: back at him.
        !          11727: %
        !          11728: Speak roughly to your little boy,
        !          11729:        And beat him when he sneezes:
        !          11730: He only does it to annoy
        !          11731:        Because he knows it teases.
        !          11732: 
        !          11733:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !          11734: 
        !          11735: I speak severely to my boy,
        !          11736:        And beat him when he sneezes:
        !          11737: For he can thoroughly enjoy
        !          11738:        The pepper when he pleases!
        !          11739: 
        !          11740:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !          11741:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !          11742: %
        !          11743: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
        !          11744:        And boot it when it crashes;
        !          11745: It knows that one cannot relax
        !          11746:        Because the paging thrashes!
        !          11747: 
        !          11748:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          11749: 
        !          11750: I speak severely to my VAX,
        !          11751:        And boot it when it crashes;
        !          11752: In spite of all my favorite hacks
        !          11753:        My jobs it always thrashes!
        !          11754: 
        !          11755:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          11756: %
        !          11757: Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
        !          11758: %
        !          11759: Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
        !          11760:                -- Dave Millman
        !          11761: %
        !          11762: Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
        !          11763: sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
        !          11764: cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free
        !          11765: the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a
        !          11766: bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a
        !          11767: controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
        !          11768: passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same
        !          11769: memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,
        !          11770: no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously
        !          11771: designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
        !          11772: %
        !          11773: Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
        !          11774: 
        !          11775:        With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
        !          11776:        He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
        !          11777:        And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
        !          11778:        As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
        !          11779:        Helpless users with projects due
        !          11780:        Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
        !          11781: 
        !          11782:        Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
        !          11783:        Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"
        !          11784: 
        !          11785: * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
        !          11786: * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
        !          11787:                -- Curtis Jackson
        !          11788: %
        !          11789: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
        !          11790: these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
        !          11791: to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
        !          11792: communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
        !          11793: on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
        !          11794: life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
        !          11795: communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
        !          11796: he can do is to Shut Up!
        !          11797:                -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
        !          11798: %
        !          11799: "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
        !          11800: %
        !          11801: Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
        !          11802:        The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
        !          11803: number of times you have looked at it.
        !          11804: %
        !          11805: Spelling is a lossed art.
        !          11806: %
        !          11807: Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
        !          11808: %
        !          11809: Spirtle, n.:
        !          11810:        The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
        !          11811: your eye.
        !          11812:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          11813: %
        !          11814: Spouse, n.:
        !          11815:        Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
        !          11816: wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
        !          11817: %
        !          11818: "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
        !          11819: drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
        !          11820: greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll
        !          11821: take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
        !          11822:                -- Harlan Ellison
        !          11823: %
        !          11824: Stay away from flying saucers today.
        !          11825: %
        !          11826: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
        !          11827: %
        !          11828: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
        !          11829: %
        !          11830: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        !          11831:        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        !          11832: another drink.
        !          11833: %
        !          11834: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
        !          11835:        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        !          11836: handle.
        !          11837: %
        !          11838: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
        !          11839: %
        !          11840: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
        !          11841: take a bath ...
        !          11842: %
        !          11843: Stult's Report:
        !          11844:        Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
        !          11845: fight the solutions.
        !          11846: %
        !          11847: Stupid, n.:
        !          11848:        Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
        !          11849: %
        !          11850: Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
        !          11851: %
        !          11852: Sturgeon's Law:
        !          11853:        90% of everything is crud.
        !          11854: %
        !          11855: Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
        !          11856: editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
        !          11857:                -- Mark Twain
        !          11858: %
        !          11859: Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
        !          11860: before it is understood.
        !          11861: %
        !          11862: Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
        !          11863: %
        !          11864: Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
        !          11865: without his duck ...
        !          11866: %
        !          11867: (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
        !          11868: 
        !          11869:        To code the impossible code,
        !          11870:        To bring up a virgin machine,
        !          11871:        To pop out of endless recursion,
        !          11872:        To grok what appears on the screen,
        !          11873: 
        !          11874:        To right the unrightable bug,
        !          11875:        To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
        !          11876:        To mount the unmountable magtape,
        !          11877:        To stop the unstoppable crash!
        !          11878: %
        !          11879: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
        !          11880: %
        !          11881: Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
        !          11882: %
        !          11883: Support your local police force -- steal!!
        !          11884: %
        !          11885: Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
        !          11886: %
        !          11887: Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
        !          11888: %
        !          11889: Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
        !          11890: %
        !          11891: Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
        !          11892: %
        !          11893: Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
        !          11894: in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
        !          11895: the room is punishable under law:
        !          11896: 
        !          11897: Name   #
        !          11898: %
        !          11899: Swahili, n.:
        !          11900:        The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
        !          11901: retractions.
        !          11902:                -- Johnny Hart
        !          11903: %
        !          11904: Sweater, n.:
        !          11905:        A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
        !          11906: %
        !          11907: Swipple's Rule of Order:
        !          11908:        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
        !          11909: %
        !          11910: Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
        !          11911:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          11912: %
        !          11913: System/3!  System/3!
        !          11914: See how it runs!  See how it runs!
        !          11915:        Its monitor loses so totally!
        !          11916:        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        !          11917:        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
        !          11918: System/3!
        !          11919: %
        !          11920: Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
        !          11921: infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
        !          11922:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          11923: %
        !          11924:       _
        !          11925:   _  / \                          o
        !          11926:  / \ | |                      o           o             o
        !          11927:  | | | |   _                   o    o                 o       o
        !          11928:  | \_| |  / \                o                     o    o
        !          11929:   \__  |  | |            o                           o
        !          11930:      | |  | |           ______   ~~~~              _____
        !          11931:      | |__/ |         / ___--\\ ~~~             __/_____\__
        !          11932:      | ___/          / \--\\  \\   \ ___       <__  x x  __\
        !          11933:      | |            / /\\  \\       ))  \         (  "  )
        !          11934:      | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
        !          11935:      | |   //      | | //__________  /    \    ____)   (___      \\
        !          11936:      | |  //     __|_|  ( --------- )      //// ______ /////\     \\
        !          11937:         //       |    (  \ ______  /      <<<< <>-----<<<<< /      \\
        !          11938:        //       (     )                      / /         \` \__     \\
        !          11939:        //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
        !          11940: 
        !          11941: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
        !          11942: start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
        !          11943: then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
        !          11944: music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
        !          11945:                -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
        !          11946: %
        !          11947: T:     One big monster, he called TROLL.
        !          11948:        He don't rock, and he don't roll;
        !          11949:        Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
        !          11950:        He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
        !          11951:                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        !          11952: %
        !          11953: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
        !          11954: hole in his head.
        !          11955: %
        !          11956: Tact, n.:
        !          11957:        The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
        !          11958: %
        !          11959: Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
        !          11960: %
        !          11961: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
        !          11962: enough cheese
        !          11963:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          11964: %
        !          11965: Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
        !          11966: %
        !          11967: Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
        !          11968: needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
        !          11969:                -- Kipling
        !          11970: %
        !          11971: Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content to sit
        !          11972: back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
        !          11973: beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
        !          11974: drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
        !          11975: nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
        !          11976: and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So
        !          11977: Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
        !          11978: no need to improve ...
        !          11979:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !          11980: %
        !          11981: Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
        !          11982: your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
        !          11983: and they'll call you crazy.
        !          11984:                -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
        !          11985: %
        !          11986: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
        !          11987:                -- Euripides
        !          11988: %
        !          11989: Talkers are no good doers.
        !          11990:                -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
        !          11991: %
        !          11992: Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
        !          11993:                -- Friedrich Nietzsche
        !          11994: %
        !          11995: TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
        !          11996:        You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
        !          11997:        determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
        !          11998:        stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.
        !          11999: %
        !          12000: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
        !          12001: the tree."
        !          12002:                -- Russell Long
        !          12003: %
        !          12004: Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
        !          12005: out of the market.
        !          12006: %
        !          12007: Taxes, n.:
        !          12008:        Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
        !          12009: an extension.
        !          12010: %
        !          12011: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
        !          12012: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
        !          12013: %
        !          12014: Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
        !          12015: %
        !          12016: Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
        !          12017: for going backwards.
        !          12018:                -- Aldous Huxley
        !          12019: %
        !          12020: Telephone, n.:
        !          12021:        An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
        !          12022: advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
        !          12023:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          12024: %
        !          12025: Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
        !          12026: Is those things arms, or is they legs?
        !          12027: I marvel at thee, Octopus;
        !          12028: If I were thou, I'd call me us.
        !          12029:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          12030: %
        !          12031: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
        !          12032: writing.
        !          12033:                -- R. Geis
        !          12034: %
        !          12035: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
        !          12036: You eat your victuals fast enough;
        !          12037: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
        !          12038: To see the rate you drink your beer.
        !          12039: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
        !          12040: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
        !          12041: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
        !          12042: It sleeps well the horned head:
        !          12043: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
        !          12044: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
        !          12045: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
        !          12046: Your friends to death before their time.
        !          12047: Moping, melancholy mad:
        !          12048: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
        !          12049:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          12050: %
        !          12051: "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
        !          12052: surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
        !          12053: hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
        !          12054: hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
        !          12055:                -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
        !          12056: %
        !          12057: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
        !          12058: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
        !          12059: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
        !          12060: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
        !          12061: because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
        !          12062: fact, for he merely said:
        !          12063: 
        !          12064:        "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
        !          12065:        it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
        !          12066:        because it is impossible."
        !          12067: 
        !          12068: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
        !          12069: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
        !          12070:                -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
        !          12071: 
        !          12072: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
        !          12073: %
        !          12074: Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
        !          12075: %
        !          12076: Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
        !          12077: %
        !          12078: "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
        !          12079: one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
        !          12080:                -- J. Finnegan, USC.
        !          12081: %
        !          12082: Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
        !          12083:                -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
        !          12084: %
        !          12085: "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
        !          12086:                -- Foghorn Leghorn
        !          12087: %
        !          12088: "That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
        !          12089: %
        !          12090: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
        !          12091: %
        !          12092: That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
        !          12093:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          12094: %
        !          12095: The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
        !          12096: %
        !          12097: The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
        !          12098: people who want some.
        !          12099:                -- Dwight MacDonald
        !          12100: %
        !          12101: The Abrams' Principle:
        !          12102:        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
        !          12103: %
        !          12104: The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
        !          12105:                -- Thomas Jefferson
        !          12106: %
        !          12107: The Advertising Agency Song:
        !          12108:  
        !          12109:        When your client's hopping mad,
        !          12110:        Put his picture in the ad.
        !          12111:        If he still should prove refractory,
        !          12112:        Add a picture of his factory.
        !          12113: %
        !          12114: "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
        !          12115: someone with it."
        !          12116:                -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
        !          12117: %
        !          12118: ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
        !          12119: consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
        !          12120: of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
        !          12121: listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
        !          12122:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          12123: %
        !          12124: The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
        !          12125: River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
        !          12126: Rock.
        !          12127: %
        !          12128: The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
        !          12129: Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
        !          12130: and color, but also on ability.
        !          12131:                -- T. Lehrer
        !          12132: %
        !          12133: The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
        !          12134:                -- Bill Murray
        !          12135: %
        !          12136: The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
        !          12137: in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
        !          12138: Declaration not for that, but for future use.
        !          12139:                --  Abraham Lincoln
        !          12140: %
        !          12141: The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
        !          12142: %
        !          12143: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
        !          12144: average man can see better than he can think.
        !          12145: %
        !          12146: "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
        !          12147: people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
        !          12148: anything."
        !          12149:                -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
        !          12150: %
        !          12151: The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
        !          12152: cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
        !          12153: difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
        !          12154: which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
        !          12155: here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
        !          12156: RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you
        !          12157: want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking
        !          12158: lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
        !          12159: squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
        !          12160: and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
        !          12161: his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
        !          12162: neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
        !          12163: lots.
        !          12164:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          12165: %
        !          12166: The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
        !          12167: called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
        !          12168: writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind."  All patties would
        !          12169: be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
        !          12170: immediately before serving.  The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
        !          12171: bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
        !          12172: Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
        !          12173: paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12".  The Lunch or Dinner Patty
        !          12174: would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
        !          12175: The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
        !          12176: emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
        !          12177: Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
        !          12178:                -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
        !          12179: %
        !          12180: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
        !          12181: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
        !          12182: %
        !          12183: The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
        !          12184:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          12185: %
        !          12186: The best defense against logic is ignorance.
        !          12187: %
        !          12188: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
        !          12189: %
        !          12190: "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
        !          12191: blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
        !          12192: You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
        !          12193: night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
        !          12194: love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
        !          12195: know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only
        !          12196: one thing for it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what
        !          12197: wags it.  That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
        !          12198: never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
        !          12199: dream of regretting.  Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a
        !          12200: lot of things there are to learn."
        !          12201:                -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
        !          12202: %
        !          12203: The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
        !          12204: is a match.
        !          12205:                -- Will Rogers
        !          12206: %
        !          12207: The bigger the theory the better.
        !          12208: %
        !          12209: The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
        !          12210: time.
        !          12211:                -- Merrick Furst
        !          12212: %
        !          12213: The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
        !          12214: Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
        !          12215: 
        !          12216: It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
        !          12217: known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
        !          12218: in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
        !          12219: under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
        !          12220: people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
        !          12221: city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
        !          12222: umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
        !          12223: activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
        !          12224: %
        !          12225: "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
        !          12226: %
        !          12227: The bogosity meter just pegged.
        !          12228: %
        !          12229: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
        !          12230: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
        !          12231: %
        !          12232: The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
        !          12233:        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        !          12234: program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
        !          12235: convert to the next higher units.
        !          12236: %
        !          12237: The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
        !          12238: Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
        !          12239: automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
        !          12240:                -- Art Buchwald
        !          12241: %
        !          12242: The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
        !          12243: bureaucracy.
        !          12244: %
        !          12245: "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
        !          12246: flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
        !          12247: %
        !          12248: The camel has a single hump;
        !          12249: The dromedary two;
        !          12250: Or else the other way around.
        !          12251: I'm never sure.  Are you?
        !          12252:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          12253: %
        !          12254: The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
        !          12255: greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
        !          12256: inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
        !          12257: party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
        !          12258:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          12259: %
        !          12260: "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
        !          12261:                -- G. Fitch
        !          12262: %
        !          12263: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
        !          12264: at the steam fitters' picnic.
        !          12265: %
        !          12266: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
        !          12267: %
        !          12268: The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
        !          12269:                -- Alfred Adler
        !          12270: %
        !          12271: The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
        !          12272: walk carefully.
        !          12273:                -- Russian Proverb
        !          12274: %
        !          12275: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
        !          12276: elsewhere."
        !          12277: %
        !          12278: "The Computer made me do it."
        !          12279: %
        !          12280: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
        !          12281:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          12282: %
        !          12283: The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
        !          12284: memos.
        !          12285:                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
        !          12286: %
        !          12287: The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
        !          12288: subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
        !          12289: every bird watcher in the country.
        !          12290:                -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
        !          12291: %
        !          12292: The Consultant's Curse:
        !          12293:        When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
        !          12294: what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
        !          12295: medicine, and is normally only required once.
        !          12296: %
        !          12297: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
        !          12298: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
        !          12299: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
        !          12300: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
        !          12301: talked about.
        !          12302:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          12303: %
        !          12304: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
        !          12305: %
        !          12306: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
        !          12307: down.
        !          12308: %
        !          12309: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
        !          12310: eat.
        !          12311:                -- John McNulty
        !          12312: %
        !          12313: The Crown is full of it!
        !          12314:                -- Nate Harris, 1775
        !          12315: %
        !          12316: The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
        !          12317: therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
        !          12318: hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
        !          12319: declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,
        !          12320: then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
        !          12321: Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
        !          12322:                -- William Ellery Channing
        !          12323: %
        !          12324: The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
        !          12325: %
        !          12326: The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
        !          12327: us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
        !          12328: Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
        !          12329: %
        !          12330: The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
        !          12331: %
        !          12332: The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
        !          12333: %
        !          12334: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
        !          12335: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
        !          12336: out again, it would be a calamity."
        !          12337:                -- Benjamin Disraeli
        !          12338: %
        !          12339: The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
        !          12340: requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
        !          12341: scholarship.
        !          12342:                -- Robert Heinlein
        !          12343: %
        !          12344: The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
        !          12345: following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
        !          12346: 
        !          12347:        "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
        !          12348: Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
        !          12349: Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
        !          12350:        "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
        !          12351: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
        !          12352: Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
        !          12353: Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
        !          12354: goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
        !          12355: Jews won't go near them ..."
        !          12356:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          12357: %
        !          12358: The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
        !          12359: a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
        !          12360: %
        !          12361: The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
        !          12362: really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
        !          12363:                -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
        !          12364: %
        !          12365: The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
        !          12366: off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
        !          12367: next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
        !          12368: duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
        !          12369: duck and returned it to his master.
        !          12370:        "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
        !          12371:        "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
        !          12372: swim."
        !          12373: %
        !          12374: The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
        !          12375: and owns the worm farm.
        !          12376:                -- Travis McGee
        !          12377: %
        !          12378: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
        !          12379: %
        !          12380: The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
        !          12381: add ten percent.
        !          12382: %
        !          12383: The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
        !          12384: weather forecasters.
        !          12385:                -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
        !          12386: %
        !          12387: "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
        !          12388: Compute' -- I forget which."
        !          12389:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          12390: %
        !          12391: The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
        !          12392: civilization.
        !          12393:                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
        !          12394: %
        !          12395: The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
        !          12396: symposium to follow.
        !          12397: %
        !          12398: The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
        !          12399: their children to speak it.
        !          12400:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          12401: %
        !          12402: The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
        !          12403: remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
        !          12404:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          12405: %
        !          12406: The fact that it works is immaterial.
        !          12407:                -- L. Ogborn
        !          12408: %
        !          12409: The faster we go, the rounder we get.
        !          12410:                -- The Grateful Dead
        !          12411: %
        !          12412: The Fifth Rule:
        !          12413:        You have taken yourself too seriously.
        !          12414: %
        !          12415: The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
        !          12416:                -- Abbie Hoffman
        !          12417: %
        !          12418: The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
        !          12419: Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
        !          12420: tragic death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
        !          12421: forks.  Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
        !          12422: fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
        !          12423: threatening notes left on his breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked
        !          12424: suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
        !          12425: foul play.  Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
        !          12426: one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some were found strangled with
        !          12427: dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A few were found
        !          12428: drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
        !          12429: and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
        !          12430: thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
        !          12431: of grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left
        !          12432: in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
        !          12433: crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave
        !          12434: Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
        !          12435: a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
        !          12436: throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
        !          12437:                -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !          12438: %
        !          12439: The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
        !          12440: management is that success equals skill.
        !          12441:                -- Robert Heller
        !          12442: %
        !          12443: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
        !          12444: child, was propounded to me by my father:
        !          12445:        "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
        !          12446: whistles?"
        !          12447:        I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
        !          12448: gave up.
        !          12449:        "A herring," said my father.
        !          12450:        "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
        !          12451:        "So hang it there."
        !          12452:        "But a herring isn't green!"  I protested.
        !          12453:        "Paint it."
        !          12454:        "But a herring isn't wet."
        !          12455:        "If its just painted its still wet."
        !          12456:        "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
        !          12457: doesn't whistle!!"
        !          12458:        "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it
        !          12459: hard."
        !          12460:                -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
        !          12461: %
        !          12462: "The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your
        !          12463: hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
        !          12464:                -- McCloctnik the Lucid
        !          12465: %
        !          12466: The First Rule of Program Optimization:
        !          12467:        Don't do it.
        !          12468: 
        !          12469: The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
        !          12470:        Don't do it yet.
        !          12471:                -- Michael Jackson
        !          12472: %
        !          12473: The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
        !          12474: The second, a trick.
        !          12475: Later, it's a well-established technique!
        !          12476:                -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
        !          12477: %
        !          12478: The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
        !          12479: Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
        !          12480: 
        !          12481: As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
        !          12482: logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
        !          12483: appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
        !          12484: four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
        !          12485:        . . .
        !          12486: Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
        !          12487: blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves
        !          12488: parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
        !          12489: of the hyper-cube.
        !          12490: %
        !          12491: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
        !          12492: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
        !          12493: %
        !          12494: "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
        !          12495: vinyl."
        !          12496:                -- Dave Barry
        !          12497: %
        !          12498: The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
        !          12499: number of your kids by 32 teeth.
        !          12500: %
        !          12501: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
        !          12502: chance.
        !          12503: %
        !          12504: The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
        !          12505: %
        !          12506: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
        !          12507: center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
        !          12508: Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
        !          12509: End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
        !          12510: %
        !          12511: The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
        !          12512: today.
        !          12513: %
        !          12514: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
        !          12515: least until we've finished building it.
        !          12516: %
        !          12517: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
        !          12518: is to build better mice.
        !          12519: %
        !          12520: The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
        !          12521: love and he invented marriage.
        !          12522: %
        !          12523: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        !          12524:        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
        !          12525: %
        !          12526: "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
        !          12527: make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians
        !          12528: have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
        !          12529: man in the bonds of Hell."
        !          12530:                -- St. Augustine
        !          12531: %
        !          12532: The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
        !          12533: to be good.
        !          12534: %
        !          12535:        "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
        !          12536: 
        !          12537: On the good ship Enterprise
        !          12538: Every week there's a new surprise
        !          12539: Where the Romulans lurk
        !          12540: And the Klingons often go berserk.
        !          12541: 
        !          12542: Yes, the good ship Enterprise
        !          12543: There's excitement anywhere it flies
        !          12544: Where Tribbles play
        !          12545: And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
        !          12546: 
        !          12547:        See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
        !          12548:        Mr. Spock is at his side.
        !          12549:        The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
        !          12550:        It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
        !          12551: 
        !          12552: It's the good ship Enterprise
        !          12553: Heading out where danger lies
        !          12554: And you live in dread
        !          12555: If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
        !          12556:        -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
        !          12557: %
        !          12558: The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
        !          12559: statistics.  These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
        !          12560: extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
        !          12561: displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
        !          12562: case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
        !          12563: down anything he damn well pleases.
        !          12564:                -- Sir Josiah Stamp
        !          12565: %
        !          12566: The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
        !          12567: who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
        !          12568:                -- Benjamin Franklin.
        !          12569: %
        !          12570: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
        !          12571:        The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
        !          12572: courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
        !          12573: clerks.  Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
        !          12574: of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
        !          12575: Hedgehog Eater.
        !          12576:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          12577: %
        !          12578: The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
        !          12579: of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
        !          12580:                -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
        !          12581: %
        !          12582: The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
        !          12583:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          12584: %
        !          12585: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
        !          12586: whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
        !          12587: nohow.
        !          12588: %
        !          12589: The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
        !          12590:        You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
        !          12591: %
        !          12592: The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
        !          12593: thinkers.
        !          12594: %
        !          12595: The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
        !          12596: which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
        !          12597: least 5000 years old."
        !          12598: %
        !          12599: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
        !          12600: lists of "Ten Best".
        !          12601:                -- H. Allen Smith
        !          12602: %
        !          12603: "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
        !          12604: has gills through which it can see."
        !          12605:                -- Monty Python
        !          12606: %
        !          12607: The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
        !          12608: -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
        !          12609: %
        !          12610: The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
        !          12611: protein -- it rejects it.
        !          12612:                -- P. Medawar
        !          12613: %
        !          12614: The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
        !          12615: remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
        !          12616: struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
        !          12617: spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
        !          12618: wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
        !          12619: off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
        !          12620:                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
        !          12621: %
        !          12622: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
        !          12623:                -- Mark Twain
        !          12624: %
        !          12625: The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
        !          12626: procession but carrying a banner.
        !          12627:                -- Mark Twain
        !          12628: %
        !          12629: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
        !          12630:                -- Ashley Montagu
        !          12631: %
        !          12632: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
        !          12633:                -- Ashley Montague
        !          12634: %
        !          12635: The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
        !          12636: devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
        !          12637: where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
        !          12638: sledgehammers.  With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
        !          12639: consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
        !          12640: have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
        !          12641: repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
        !          12642: of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
        !          12643: devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
        !          12644:                -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
        !          12645: %
        !          12646: "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
        !          12647:                -- Franco Spisani
        !          12648: %
        !          12649: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
        !          12650: longer."
        !          12651:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          12652: %
        !          12653: The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
        !          12654: has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
        !          12655: when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
        !          12656:                -- Will Rogers
        !          12657: %
        !          12658: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
        !          12659: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
        !          12660: important thing to people.
        !          12661:                -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
        !          12662: %
        !          12663: The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
        !          12664: number of participants.
        !          12665:                -- Adam Walinsky
        !          12666: %
        !          12667: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
        !          12668: by the number of people in the group.
        !          12669: %
        !          12670: The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
        !          12671: information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
        !          12672: dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
        !          12673: real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
        !          12674: 
        !          12675: So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
        !          12676: pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
        !          12677: consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
        !          12678:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          12679: %
        !          12680: The Kennedy Constant:
        !          12681:        Don't get mad -- get even.
        !          12682: %
        !          12683: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
        !          12684: %
        !          12685: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
        !          12686: Would shudder at a wicked word.
        !          12687: Their candle gives a single light;
        !          12688: They'd rather stay at home at night.
        !          12689: They do not keep awake till three,
        !          12690: Nor read erotic poetry.
        !          12691: They never sanction the impure,
        !          12692: Nor recognize an overture.
        !          12693: They shrink from powders and from paints ...
        !          12694: So far, I've had no complaints.
        !          12695:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          12696: %
        !          12697: "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
        !          12698: word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
        !          12699: drugs.'
        !          12700:                -- Roy Blount, Jr.
        !          12701: %
        !          12702: The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
        !          12703: law free.
        !          12704:                -- Henry David Thoreau
        !          12705: %
        !          12706: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
        !          12707: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
        !          12708: bread.
        !          12709:                -- Anatole France
        !          12710: %
        !          12711: "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all
        !          12712: men should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the
        !          12713: universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
        !          12714: presently imagine we own."
        !          12715:                -- H.G. Wells
        !          12716: %
        !          12717:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
        !          12718: 
        !          12719: SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
        !          12720: Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
        !          12721: Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
        !          12722: with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
        !          12723: END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
        !          12724: a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
        !          12725: they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
        !          12726: the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
        !          12727: %
        !          12728:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
        !          12729: 
        !          12730: This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
        !          12731: an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
        !          12732: to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
        !          12733: %
        !          12734:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
        !          12735: 
        !          12736: SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
        !          12737: Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
        !          12738: compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
        !          12739: coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
        !          12740: sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
        !          12741: compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
        !          12742: infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
        !          12743: %
        !          12744:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
        !          12745: 
        !          12746: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
        !          12747: unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
        !          12748: are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
        !          12749: SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
        !          12750: parties.
        !          12751: %
        !          12752:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
        !          12753: 
        !          12754: This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
        !          12755: submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
        !          12756: best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
        !          12757: language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
        !          12758: statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
        !          12759: similar to COBOL.
        !          12760: %
        !          12761:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
        !          12762: 
        !          12763: FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
        !          12764: refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
        !          12765: JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
        !          12766: BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
        !          12767: CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
        !          12768: 
        !          12769: The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
        !          12770: financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
        !          12771: VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
        !          12772: and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
        !          12773: who end up using this language.
        !          12774: %
        !          12775:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
        !          12776: 
        !          12777: Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
        !          12778: DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The
        !          12779: language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
        !          12780: and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A
        !          12781: spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
        !          12782: ours."
        !          12783: 
        !          12784: The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have
        !          12785: almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
        !          12786: organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
        !          12787: exist.
        !          12788: %
        !          12789:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
        !          12790: From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
        !          12791: VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
        !          12792: 
        !          12793: Here is a sample program:
        !          12794:        LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
        !          12795:        IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
        !          12796:           VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
        !          12797:                FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
        !          12798:                        DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
        !          12799:                        BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
        !          12800:                SURE
        !          12801:        LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
        !          12802:        REALLY
        !          12803:        LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
        !          12804:        IM*SURE
        !          12805:        GOTO THE MALL
        !          12806: 
        !          12807: When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
        !          12808: 
        !          12809:        GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
        !          12810: %
        !          12811:        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
        !          12812: 
        !          12813: This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
        !          12814: Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
        !          12815: the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
        !          12816: 
        !          12817: The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
        !          12818: while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
        !          12819: because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
        !          12820: Perrier.
        !          12821: 
        !          12822: Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
        !          12823: and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
        !          12824: case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
        !          12825: message:
        !          12826:        "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
        !          12827:        you find the time to try it again?"
        !          12828: %
        !          12829: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
        !          12830: train.
        !          12831: %
        !          12832: The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
        !          12833: %
        !          12834: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
        !          12835: much sleep.
        !          12836:                -- Woody Allen
        !          12837: %
        !          12838: The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
        !          12839:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          12840: %
        !          12841: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
        !          12842: we could with both of them."
        !          12843:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !          12844: %
        !          12845: The makers may make
        !          12846: and the users may use,
        !          12847: but the fixers must fix
        !          12848: with but minimal clues
        !          12849: %
        !          12850: The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
        !          12851: crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
        !          12852: one has ever been.
        !          12853:                -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
        !          12854: %
        !          12855: The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
        !          12856: will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
        !          12857:                -- Mark Twain.
        !          12858: %
        !          12859: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
        !          12860: soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
        !          12861: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
        !          12862: %
        !          12863: "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
        !          12864:                -- Dave Barry
        !          12865: %
        !          12866: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
        !          12867: %
        !          12868:        The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
        !          12869: klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
        !          12870: 
        !          12871:        "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
        !          12872: 
        !          12873:        "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
        !          12874: %
        !          12875: The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
        !          12876: devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
        !          12877:                -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
        !          12878: %
        !          12879: The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
        !          12880: be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
        !          12881: law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
        !          12882: guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
        !          12883: Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
        !          12884: Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
        !          12885: of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
        !          12886: power.
        !          12887:                -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
        !          12888:                   Thinking."
        !          12889: %
        !          12890: The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
        !          12891:                -- Laurence J. Peter
        !          12892: %
        !          12893: The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
        !          12894:                -- Nicol Williamson
        !          12895: %
        !          12896: The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
        !          12897: %
        !          12898: The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
        !          12899: %
        !          12900: "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
        !          12901: lower the mailing cost."
        !          12902:                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
        !          12903: %
        !          12904: The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
        !          12905: robbers there will be.
        !          12906:                -- Lao Tsu
        !          12907: %
        !          12908: The more things change, the more they stay insane.
        !          12909: %
        !          12910: The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
        !          12911: is right.
        !          12912: %
        !          12913: The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
        !          12914:                -- Andy Warhol
        !          12915: %
        !          12916: "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
        !          12917: to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
        !          12918:                -- Theodore H. White
        !          12919: %
        !          12920: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
        !          12921: discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
        !          12922:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          12923: %
        !          12924: The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
        !          12925: %
        !          12926: ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
        !          12927: %
        !          12928:        "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
        !          12929:        "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
        !          12930: feel interested.
        !          12931:        "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
        !          12932: vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
        !          12933: Aged Man.'"
        !          12934:        "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
        !          12935: Alice corrected herself.
        !          12936:        "No, you oughtn't:  that's quite another thing!  The song is
        !          12937: called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
        !          12938:        "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
        !          12939: completely bewildered.
        !          12940:        "I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
        !          12941: "A-sitting on a Gate":  and the tune's my own invention."
        !          12942:                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          12943: %
        !          12944: "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
        !          12945: 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
        !          12946:                -- D. Letterman
        !          12947: %
        !          12948: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        !          12949:        Support your right to bare arms!
        !          12950: %
        !          12951: The net of law is spread so wide,
        !          12952: No sinner from its sweep may hide.
        !          12953: Its meshes are so fine and strong,
        !          12954: They take in every child of wrong.
        !          12955: O wondrous web of mystery!
        !          12956: Big fish alone escape from thee!
        !          12957:                -- James Jeffrey Roche
        !          12958: %
        !          12959: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
        !          12960: hope I don't get run over again.
        !          12961: %
        !          12962: The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
        !          12963: in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
        !          12964: 
        !          12965:        But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
        !          12966:        whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
        !          12967:                -- Matthew 5:37
        !          12968: %
        !          12969: "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
        !          12970: Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
        !          12971: The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
        !          12972: and running the country ..."
        !          12973:                -- Robert J Woodhead
        !          12974: %
        !          12975: The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
        !          12976: choose from.
        !          12977:                -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
        !          12978: %
        !          12979: The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
        !          12980: 80-column card.
        !          12981:                -- Dennis M. Ritchie
        !          12982: %
        !          12983: The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
        !          12984: serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
        !          12985: these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
        !          12986: function is to serve as checks upon the state.
        !          12987:                -- Alan Barth
        !          12988: %
        !          12989: The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
        !          12990: correct.
        !          12991:                -- Ralph Hartley
        !          12992: %
        !          12993: The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
        !          12994: analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
        !          12995: occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
        !          12996: these problems when called upon.
        !          12997: 
        !          12998: However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
        !          12999: remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
        !          13000: %
        !          13001: The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
        !          13002:        Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
        !          13003: Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
        !          13004: Planning."
        !          13005: %
        !          13006: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
        !          13007: %
        !          13008: The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
        !          13009: brings wisdom.
        !          13010:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          13011: %
        !          13012: The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
        !          13013: catch his own breath.
        !          13014:                -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
        !          13015: %
        !          13016: The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
        !          13017: to cringe.
        !          13018: %
        !          13019: The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
        !          13020: `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
        !          13021:                -- Ernest Rutherford
        !          13022: %
        !          13023: The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
        !          13024: and take a rest.
        !          13025: %
        !          13026: "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
        !          13027:                -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
        !          13028:                   Over and Over"
        !          13029: %
        !          13030: The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
        !          13031: %
        !          13032: The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
        !          13033: has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
        !          13034: finished, and put inside boxes.
        !          13035:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          13036: %
        !          13037: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
        !          13038: use to oneself.
        !          13039:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          13040: %
        !          13041: "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
        !          13042: history."
        !          13043:                -- Hegel
        !          13044: 
        !          13045: "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
        !          13046: long view."
        !          13047:                -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
        !          13048: %
        !          13049: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
        !          13050:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          13051: %
        !          13052: The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
        !          13053: until 5 or 6 p.m.
        !          13054: %
        !          13055: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
        !          13056:                -- Bohr
        !          13057: %
        !          13058: The optimum committee has no members.
        !          13059:                -- Norman Augustine
        !          13060: %
        !          13061: The optimum committee has no members.
        !          13062:                -- Norman Augustine
        !          13063: %
        !          13064: "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
        !          13065: went back in time."
        !          13066:                -- Steven Wright
        !          13067: %
        !          13068: The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
        !          13069: it isn't here.
        !          13070:                -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
        !          13071: %
        !          13072: The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
        !          13073: were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
        !          13074:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          13075: %
        !          13076:        The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
        !          13077: Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
        !          13078: large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
        !          13079: it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
        !          13080: apparatus for a spectator sport.
        !          13081: 
        !          13082:        The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
        !          13083: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
        !          13084:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          13085: %
        !          13086: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
        !          13087: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
        !          13088: Let others think his heart is big,
        !          13089: I think it stupid of the Pig.
        !          13090:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          13091: %
        !          13092: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
        !          13093: swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
        !          13094: batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
        !          13095: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
        !          13096: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
        !          13097:                -- Dizzy Dean
        !          13098: %
        !          13099: The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
        !          13100:                -- David Lardner
        !          13101: %
        !          13102: The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
        !          13103: to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it
        !          13104: is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
        !          13105: courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
        !          13106: preferences.  Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
        !          13107: social function of expressing true distaste.
        !          13108:                -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
        !          13109:                   Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
        !          13110: %
        !          13111: "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
        !          13112: often."
        !          13113: %
        !          13114: The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
        !          13115:        Were each of them once a kiddie.
        !          13116: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        !          13117:        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
        !          13118:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          13119: %
        !          13120: The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
        !          13121: brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
        !          13122: Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
        !          13123:                -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
        !          13124: %
        !          13125: The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
        !          13126: they might force their beliefs on us.
        !          13127:                -- Mario Cuomo
        !          13128: %
        !          13129: The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
        !          13130: warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
        !          13131: changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
        !          13132: marker.
        !          13133:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          13134: %
        !          13135: The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
        !          13136: constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
        !          13137: appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
        !          13138: statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
        !          13139: also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
        !          13140:                -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
        !          13141: %
        !          13142: The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
        !          13143: voters to win the next election.
        !          13144: %
        !          13145: The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"
        !          13146: represents the secondary theme:
        !          13147: 
        !          13148:        Law Enforcement Officials
        !          13149: 
        !          13150: The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
        !          13151: 
        !          13152:        Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
        !          13153: %
        !          13154: ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
        !          13155: other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
        !          13156: charity we can only call "inhuman."
        !          13157:                -- R. A. Lafferty
        !          13158: %
        !          13159: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
        !          13160: stupidity of your action.
        !          13161: %
        !          13162: The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
        !          13163: Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
        !          13164: using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
        !          13165: Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
        !          13166: etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
        !          13167: bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None
        !          13168: of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
        !          13169: developed cancer.
        !          13170:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          13171: %
        !          13172: The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
        !          13173: to erase it.
        !          13174:                -- Glaser and Way
        !          13175: %
        !          13176: The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
        !          13177: results.
        !          13178: 
        !          13179: The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
        !          13180: problems in order to get results.
        !          13181: 
        !          13182: The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
        !          13183: problems in order to get results.
        !          13184: %
        !          13185: The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
        !          13186: pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
        !          13187:                -- Elizabeth Taylor
        !          13188: %
        !          13189: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
        !          13190: %
        !          13191: The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
        !          13192: outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
        !          13193: mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
        !          13194: tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
        !          13195: the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
        !          13196:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          13197: %
        !          13198: "The pyramid is opening!"
        !          13199: "Which one?"
        !          13200: "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
        !          13201:                -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
        !          13202:                   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
        !          13203: %
        !          13204: The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
        !          13205:        "My brain is paged out to my liver"
        !          13206: %
        !          13207: The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is
        !          13208: it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
        !          13209: that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
        !          13210: industrial waste?
        !          13211:                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
        !          13212: %
        !          13213: The rain it raineth on the just
        !          13214:        And also on the unjust fella,
        !          13215: But chiefly on the just, because
        !          13216:        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
        !          13217: %
        !          13218: The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
        !          13219: cursed.
        !          13220: %
        !          13221: The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
        !          13222: %
        !          13223: The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
        !          13224: which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
        !          13225: Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
        !          13226: Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
        !          13227:                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
        !          13228: %
        !          13229: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
        !          13230: persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
        !          13231: progress depends on the unreasonable man.
        !          13232:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          13233: %
        !          13234: The revolution will not be televised.
        !          13235: %
        !          13236: The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
        !          13237:                -- Emerson
        !          13238: %
        !          13239: The rhino is a homely beast,
        !          13240: For human eyes he's not a feast.
        !          13241: Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
        !          13242: I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
        !          13243:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          13244: %
        !          13245: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
        !          13246: means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
        !          13247: %
        !          13248: "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
        !          13249: and to his imagination for his facts."
        !          13250:                -- Sheridan
        !          13251: %
        !          13252: The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
        !          13253:                -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
        !          13254: %
        !          13255: "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
        !          13256: House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
        !          13257: you have and what rights you have not got."
        !          13258:                -- J. Parnell Thomas
        !          13259: %
        !          13260: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
        !          13261: sloppy analysis!
        !          13262: %
        !          13263: The Roman Rule
        !          13264:        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        !          13265:        one who is doing it.
        !          13266: %
        !          13267: The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
        !          13268: his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
        !          13269: one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
        !          13270: take it too seriously.
        !          13271:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          13272: %
        !          13273: The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
        !          13274: give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
        !          13275:                -- Jane Bryant Quinn
        !          13276: %
        !          13277: "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
        !          13278: %
        !          13279: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
        !          13280: showed that all had these things in common:
        !          13281: 
        !          13282:        (1) They all had moderate appetites.
        !          13283:        (2) They all came from middle class homes
        !          13284:        (3) All but two of them were dead.
        !          13285: %
        !          13286: The scum also rises.
        !          13287:                -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
        !          13288: %
        !          13289: The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
        !          13290: respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones
        !          13291: from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
        !          13292: milestones are lifted.
        !          13293:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          13294: %
        !          13295:        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
        !          13296: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
        !          13297: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
        !          13298: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
        !          13299: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
        !          13300: 
        !          13301:        "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
        !          13302: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
        !          13303: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
        !          13304: and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
        !          13305: 
        !          13306:        "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
        !          13307: 
        !          13308:        Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
        !          13309:                -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
        !          13310: %
        !          13311: The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
        !          13312: %
        !          13313: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
        !          13314:                -- Noelie Alito
        !          13315: %
        !          13316: The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
        !          13317:        The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
        !          13318: in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
        !          13319: way.)
        !          13320:                -- Dan Roddick
        !          13321: %
        !          13322: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
        !          13323: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
        !          13324: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
        !          13325: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
        !          13326: %
        !          13327: "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
        !          13328: money."
        !          13329:                -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
        !          13330: %
        !          13331: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
        !          13332: %
        !          13333: The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
        !          13334: able to correct them.
        !          13335:                -- Nicolaides
        !          13336: %
        !          13337: The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
        !          13338: %
        !          13339: The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
        !          13340: readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
        !          13341: some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
        !          13342: reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
        !          13343: the field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well
        !          13344: known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
        !          13345: Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
        !          13346: of preparation and incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of
        !          13347: psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
        !          13348: Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick.  That
        !          13349: these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
        !          13350: further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
        !          13351: something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
        !          13352: the Russians.
        !          13353:                -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
        !          13354: %
        !          13355:                The STAR WARS Song
        !          13356:        Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
        !          13357: 
        !          13358: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
        !          13359: Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
        !          13360:        S-O-D-A soda
        !          13361: I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
        !          13362: I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
        !          13363:        Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !          13364: 
        !          13365: Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
        !          13366: A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
        !          13367:        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !          13368: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
        !          13369: How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
        !          13370:        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !          13371: %
        !          13372: The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
        !          13373: %
        !          13374: The steady state of disks is full.
        !          13375:                -- Ken Thompson
        !          13376: %
        !          13377:                      THE STORY OF CREATION
        !          13378:                               or
        !          13379:                         THE MYTH OF URK
        !          13380: 
        !          13381: In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
        !          13382: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
        !          13383: was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
        !          13384: registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
        !          13385: and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
        !          13386: Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
        !          13387: and there was morning, one interrupt ...
        !          13388:                -- Rico Tudor
        !          13389: %
        !          13390: The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
        !          13391: them unsafe.
        !          13392:                -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
        !          13393: %
        !          13394: "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
        !          13395: is an emerging underachiever."
        !          13396: %
        !          13397: The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
        !          13398: biology.
        !          13399: %
        !          13400: "The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
        !          13401: even any property taxes."
        !          13402:                -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
        !          13403: %
        !          13404: The sum of the Universe is zero.
        !          13405: %
        !          13406: The sun was shining on the sea,
        !          13407: Shining with all his might:
        !          13408: He did his very best to make
        !          13409: The billows smooth and bright --
        !          13410: And this was very odd, because it was
        !          13411: The middle of the night.
        !          13412:                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          13413: %
        !          13414: The superfluous is very necessary.
        !          13415:                -- Voltaire
        !          13416: %
        !          13417: The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
        !          13418:                -- Mark Twain
        !          13419: %
        !          13420: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
        !          13421: authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
        !          13422: the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
        !          13423: the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
        !          13424: radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
        !          13425: as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
        !          13426: receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
        !          13427: Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
        !          13428: heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
        !          13429: the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
        !          13430: heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
        !          13431: radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
        !          13432: earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
        !          13433: cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
        !          13434: fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
        !          13435: burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
        !          13436: that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
        !          13437: have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
        !          13438:                -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
        !          13439: %
        !          13440: The Third Law of Photography:
        !          13441:        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        !          13442: when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
        !          13443: leaks out.
        !          13444: %
        !          13445: The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
        !          13446: 
        !          13447: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
        !          13448: The Second Law:        The most you can accomplish by working is to break
        !          13449:                even.
        !          13450: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
        !          13451: %
        !          13452:                The Three Major Kind of Tools
        !          13453: 
        !          13454: * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
        !          13455:   jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
        !          13456:   manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
        !          13457:   bludgeons, and truncheons.)
        !          13458: 
        !          13459: * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)
        !          13460: 
        !          13461: * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
        !          13462:   greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
        !          13463:   (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
        !          13464:   any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
        !          13465:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          13466: %
        !          13467: The trouble with a kitten is that
        !          13468: When it grows up, it's always a cat
        !          13469:                -- Ogden Nash.
        !          13470: %
        !          13471: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
        !          13472: %
        !          13473: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
        !          13474: it.
        !          13475:                -- Franklin P. Jones
        !          13476: %
        !          13477: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
        !          13478: more important to do.
        !          13479: %
        !          13480: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
        !          13481: appreciates how difficult it was.
        !          13482: %
        !          13483: The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
        !          13484:                -- Ken Kesey
        !          13485: %
        !          13486: The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
        !          13487:                -- Lenny Bruce
        !          13488: %
        !          13489: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
        !          13490: vice versa.
        !          13491: %
        !          13492: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
        !          13493: Which practically conceal its sex.
        !          13494: I think it clever of the turtle
        !          13495: In such a fix to be so fertile.
        !          13496:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          13497: %
        !          13498: "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
        !          13499: stupidity."
        !          13500: %
        !          13501: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
        !          13502: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
        !          13503:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          13504: %
        !          13505: The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
        !          13506: "100 percent American"...
        !          13507:                -- U. S. Army (1945)
        !          13508: %
        !          13509: The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
        !          13510: everybody and still nobody likes him.
        !          13511:                -- Jim Samuels
        !          13512: %
        !          13513: The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
        !          13514: broken.
        !          13515: %
        !          13516: The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
        !          13517: combination is locked up in the safe.
        !          13518:                -- Peter DeVries
        !          13519: %
        !          13520: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
        !          13521: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
        !          13522: to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
        !          13523: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
        !          13524: %
        !          13525: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
        !          13526: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
        !          13527: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
        !          13528: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
        !          13529: world put together.
        !          13530:                -- Sir Peter Medawar
        !          13531: %
        !          13532: The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
        !          13533: regarded as a criminal offense.
        !          13534:                -- E. W. Dijkstra
        !          13535: %
        !          13536: The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
        !          13537: the worst cigars.
        !          13538:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          13539: %
        !          13540: The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
        !          13541: prejudice.
        !          13542:                -- Mark Twain
        !          13543: %
        !          13544: The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
        !          13545: Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
        !          13546: to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
        !          13547: be one of the facts that needs altering.
        !          13548:                -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
        !          13549: %
        !          13550: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
        !          13551: %
        !          13552: "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
        !          13553: it's just a tired feeling:"
        !          13554: %
        !          13555: The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
        !          13556: %
        !          13557: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
        !          13558: that would be clearly understood."
        !          13559:                -- Alexander Haig
        !          13560: %
        !          13561: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
        !          13562: with a large fortune."
        !          13563: %
        !          13564: The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
        !          13565:        Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
        !          13566: It must have blown through someone's feet,
        !          13567:        Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
        !          13568:                -- P. Opus
        !          13569: %
        !          13570:        THE WOMBAT
        !          13571: 
        !          13572: The wombat lives across the seas,
        !          13573: Among the far Antipodes.
        !          13574: He may exist on nuts and berries,
        !          13575: Or then again, on missionaries;
        !          13576: His distant habitat precludes
        !          13577: Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
        !          13578: But I would not engage the wombat
        !          13579: In any form of mortal combat.
        !          13580: %
        !          13581: The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
        !          13582: %
        !          13583: The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
        !          13584: %
        !          13585: The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
        !          13586: %
        !          13587: The world's as ugly as sin,
        !          13588: And almost as delightful
        !          13589:                -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
        !          13590: %
        !          13591: The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
        !          13592: four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
        !          13593: the answers.
        !          13594: %
        !          13595: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
        !          13596: 
        !          13597: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
        !          13598: then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
        !          13599: market.
        !          13600: 
        !          13601: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
        !          13602: not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
        !          13603: 
        !          13604: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
        !          13605: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
        !          13606: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
        !          13607:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          13608: %
        !          13609: Then here's to the City of Boston,
        !          13610: The town of the cries and the groans.
        !          13611: Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
        !          13612: And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
        !          13613:                -- Franklin Pierce Adams
        !          13614: %
        !          13615:        THEORY
        !          13616: Into love and out again,
        !          13617:        Thus I went and thus I go.
        !          13618: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
        !          13619:        Well and bitterly I know
        !          13620: All the songs were ever sung,
        !          13621:        All the words were ever said;
        !          13622: Could it be, when I was young,
        !          13623:        Someone dropped me on my head?
        !          13624:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          13625: %
        !          13626: There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
        !          13627: %
        !          13628: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
        !          13629: and praiseworthy ...
        !          13630:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          13631: %
        !          13632: There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own
        !          13633: cats.
        !          13634: %
        !          13635: There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
        !          13636: are chosen correctly.
        !          13637: %
        !          13638: There are no games on this system.
        !          13639: %
        !          13640: There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
        !          13641: existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
        !          13642: marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
        !          13643: engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
        !          13644: obviously impossible.
        !          13645:                                -- Richard Davisson
        !          13646: %
        !          13647: There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
        !          13648: truth without lying.
        !          13649: %
        !          13650: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
        !          13651: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
        !          13652:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !          13653: %
        !          13654:        There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
        !          13655: someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
        !          13656: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
        !          13657: Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
        !          13658: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
        !          13659: this?
        !          13660:        Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
        !          13661: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
        !          13662: can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
        !          13663: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
        !          13664: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
        !          13665: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
        !          13666: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
        !          13667:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          13668: %
        !          13669: "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
        !          13670: plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
        !          13671: and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
        !          13672: don't we all?"
        !          13673: %
        !          13674: "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
        !          13675: and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
        !          13676: pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
        !          13677: them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
        !          13678: stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
        !          13679: intelligence."
        !          13680:                -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
        !          13681: %
        !          13682: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
        !          13683:                -- Disraeli
        !          13684: %
        !          13685: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
        !          13686: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
        !          13687: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
        !          13688: %
        !          13689: There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
        !          13690: offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin
        !          13691: a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
        !          13692: of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of
        !          13693: affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
        !          13694: When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
        !          13695: Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
        !          13696:                -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
        !          13697: %
        !          13698: "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
        !          13699: engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
        !          13700: the more certain."
        !          13701:                -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
        !          13702: %
        !          13703: There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring
        !          13704: the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many
        !          13705: facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next
        !          13706: fact; that's science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent
        !          13707: Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
        !          13708: Factor; that's engineering.
        !          13709: %
        !          13710: There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
        !          13711: can't remember.
        !          13712:                -- Italo Svevo
        !          13713: %
        !          13714: There are three ways to get something done:
        !          13715:        (1) Do it yourself.
        !          13716:        (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
        !          13717:        (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
        !          13718: %
        !          13719: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
        !          13720: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
        !          13721: %
        !          13722: There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
        !          13723: one of them.
        !          13724: %
        !          13725: There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
        !          13726: the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
        !          13727: sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
        !          13728:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          13729: %
        !          13730: There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
        !          13731: sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
        !          13732:                -- Woody Allen
        !          13733: %
        !          13734: "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
        !          13735: make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
        !          13736: other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
        !          13737: deficiencies."
        !          13738:                -- C. A. R. Hoare
        !          13739: %
        !          13740: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
        !          13741: other is to read Pope."
        !          13742:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          13743: %
        !          13744: There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
        !          13745: works.
        !          13746: %
        !          13747: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
        !          13748: suitable application of high explosives.
        !          13749: %
        !          13750: There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
        !          13751:                -- R. W. Gerard
        !          13752: %
        !          13753: There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
        !          13754:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          13755: %
        !          13756: There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
        !          13757: than 100.
        !          13758:                -- Steele's Law
        !          13759: %
        !          13760: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
        !          13761: nothing about.
        !          13762: %
        !          13763: There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
        !          13764: opinion.
        !          13765:                -- Anatole France
        !          13766: %
        !          13767: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
        !          13768: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
        !          13769: %
        !          13770: There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
        !          13771: %
        !          13772: There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
        !          13773: tied during the month of April.
        !          13774: %
        !          13775: There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
        !          13776:                -- Walt Disney
        !          13777: %
        !          13778: "There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
        !          13779: Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
        !          13780: love of the Fatherland."
        !          13781:                -- Adolf Hitler
        !          13782: %
        !          13783: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
        !          13784: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
        !          13785: inexplicable."
        !          13786: 
        !          13787: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
        !          13788:                -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          13789: %
        !          13790: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
        !          13791: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
        !          13792: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
        !          13793: inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
        !          13794: already happened.
        !          13795:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          13796: %
        !          13797: "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
        !          13798: vacuum."
        !          13799:                -- Arthur C. Clarke
        !          13800: %
        !          13801: There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
        !          13802:                -- Mark Twain
        !          13803: %
        !          13804: There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
        !          13805: tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
        !          13806: abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
        !          13807: war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
        !          13808: of course.
        !          13809:                -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
        !          13810: %
        !          13811: "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
        !          13812: home."
        !          13813:                -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
        !          13814:                   Convention, 1977
        !          13815: %
        !          13816: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
        !          13817:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          13818: %
        !          13819: There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
        !          13820: reflexes.
        !          13821: %
        !          13822: There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
        !          13823: %
        !          13824: There is no time like the pleasant.
        !          13825: %
        !          13826: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
        !          13827: doing.
        !          13828: %
        !          13829: There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
        !          13830: There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong.
        !          13831: %
        !          13832: "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
        !          13833: said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.  "And yet just
        !          13834: a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
        !          13835: question," said Nasrudin.  "I could have answered it if I had been
        !          13836: there." "Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
        !          13837: the middle of the night?'"
        !          13838: %
        !          13839: There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
        !          13840: ocean level wouldn't cure.
        !          13841:                -- Ross MacDonald
        !          13842: %
        !          13843: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
        !          13844: that is not being talked about.
        !          13845:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          13846: %
        !          13847: There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
        !          13848: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
        !          13849:                -- Mark Twain
        !          13850: %
        !          13851: There once was a girl named Irene
        !          13852: Who lived on distilled kerosene
        !          13853:        But she started absorbin'
        !          13854:        A new hydrocarbon
        !          13855: And since then has never benzene.
        !          13856: %
        !          13857: There once was a member of Mensa
        !          13858: Who was a most excellent fencer.
        !          13859:        The sword that he used
        !          13860:        Was his -- (line is refused,
        !          13861: And has now been removed by the censor).
        !          13862: %
        !          13863: There once was an old man from Esser,
        !          13864: Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
        !          13865:        It at last grew so small,
        !          13866:        He knew nothing at all,
        !          13867: And now he's a College Professor.
        !          13868: %
        !          13869: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
        !          13870: it."
        !          13871:                -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
        !          13872: %
        !          13873: There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
        !          13874: left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
        !          13875: Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
        !          13876: started debating who should be allowed to stay.
        !          13877: 
        !          13878: The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
        !          13879: over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
        !          13880: would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
        !          13881: said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
        !          13882: thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
        !          13883: votes.
        !          13884: %
        !          13885: There was a young lady from Hyde
        !          13886: Who ate a green apple and died.
        !          13887:        While her lover lamented
        !          13888:        The apple fermented
        !          13889: And made cider inside her inside.
        !          13890: %
        !          13891: There was a young man who said "God,
        !          13892: I find it exceedingly odd,
        !          13893:        That the willow oak tree
        !          13894:        Continues to be,
        !          13895: When there's no one about in the Quad."
        !          13896: 
        !          13897: "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
        !          13898: For I'm always about in the Quad;
        !          13899:        And that's why the tree,
        !          13900:        Continues to be,"
        !          13901: Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
        !          13902: %
        !          13903: There was a young poet named Dan,
        !          13904: Whose poetry never would scan.
        !          13905:        When told this was so,
        !          13906:        He said, "Yes, I know.
        !          13907: %
        !          13908: There was a young poet named Dan,
        !          13909: Whose poetry never would scan.
        !          13910:        When told this was so,
        !          13911:        He said, "Yes, I know.
        !          13912: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
        !          13913: %
        !          13914: "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
        !          13915: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
        !          13916: talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
        !          13917: during the trial."
        !          13918:                -- David Letterman
        !          13919: %
        !          13920: There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
        !          13921: the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
        !          13922: digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
        !          13923: 8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
        !          13924: transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
        !          13925: stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
        !          13926: feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
        !          13927: systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
        !          13928: first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
        !          13929: satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
        !          13930: telephone business?
        !          13931: %
        !          13932: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not
        !          13933: a fence.
        !          13934: %
        !          13935: There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
        !          13936: %
        !          13937: There's little in taking or giving,
        !          13938:        There's little in water or wine:
        !          13939: This living, this living, this living,
        !          13940:        Was never a project of mine.
        !          13941: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
        !          13942:        The gain of the one at the top,
        !          13943: For art is a form of catharsis,
        !          13944:        And love is a permanent flop,
        !          13945: And work is the province of cattle,
        !          13946:        And rest's for a clam in a shell,
        !          13947: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
        !          13948:        Would you kindly direct me to hell?
        !          13949:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          13950: %
        !          13951: There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
        !          13952: whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
        !          13953:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          13954: %
        !          13955: There's no future in time travel
        !          13956: %
        !          13957: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
        !          13958:                -- Dr. Who
        !          13959: %
        !          13960: There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
        !          13961: any worse.
        !          13962: %
        !          13963: There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
        !          13964: %
        !          13965: There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
        !          13966: working for you.
        !          13967:                -- Will Rodgers
        !          13968: %
        !          13969: "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
        !          13970: armadillos."
        !          13971:                -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
        !          13972: %
        !          13973: "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
        !          13974: aggravate."
        !          13975: %
        !          13976: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
        !          13977: what it is I'll get married again.
        !          13978:                -- Clint Eastwood
        !          13979: %
        !          13980: There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
        !          13981: becoming an endangered synthetic.
        !          13982:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          13983: %
        !          13984: "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
        !          13985: "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
        !          13986: "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
        !          13987: out of MEGATON MAN!"
        !          13988: %
        !          13989: These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
        !          13990: used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
        !          13991: %
        !          13992: They also surf who only stand on waves.
        !          13993: %
        !          13994: "They make a desert and call it peace."
        !          13995:                -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
        !          13996: %
        !          13997: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
        !          13998: always spell better than they pronounce.
        !          13999:                -- Mark Twain
        !          14000: %
        !          14001: "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
        !          14002: safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
        !          14003:                -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
        !          14004: %
        !          14005: "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
        !          14006: %
        !          14007: They told me you had proven it         When they discovered our results
        !          14008:        About a month before.                   Their hair began to curl
        !          14009: The proof was valid, more or less      Instead of understanding it
        !          14010:        But rather less than more.              We'd run the thing through PRL.
        !          14011: 
        !          14012: He sent them word that we would try    Don't tell a soul about all this
        !          14013:        To pass where they had failed           For it must ever be
        !          14014: And after we were done, to them                A secret, kept from all the rest
        !          14015:        The new proof would be mailed.          Between yourself and me.
        !          14016: 
        !          14017: My notion was to start again
        !          14018:        Ignoring all they'd done
        !          14019: We quickly turned it into code
        !          14020:        To see if it would run.
        !          14021: %
        !          14022: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
        !          14023: %
        !          14024: "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult
        !          14025: to like."
        !          14026:                -- Avon
        !          14027: %
        !          14028: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
        !          14029: %
        !          14030: Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
        !          14031: %
        !          14032: Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
        !          14033: %
        !          14034: Think honk if you're a telepath.
        !          14035: %
        !          14036: Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
        !          14037: %
        !          14038: Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
        !          14039: crashes.
        !          14040: %
        !          14041: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
        !          14042: %
        !          14043: "Thirty days hath Septober,
        !          14044: April, June, and no wonder.
        !          14045: all the rest have peanut butter
        !          14046: except my father who wears red suspenders."
        !          14047: %
        !          14048: This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
        !          14049: %
        !          14050: This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
        !          14051: please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
        !          14052: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
        !          14053: something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
        !          14054: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
        !          14055: %
        !          14056: This fortune intentionally not included.
        !          14057: %
        !          14058: This fortune is false.
        !          14059: %
        !          14060: This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
        !          14061: %
        !          14062: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
        !          14063: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
        !          14064: keys ..."
        !          14065: %
        !          14066: "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
        !          14067: DOG."
        !          14068:                -- Bob Violence
        !          14069: %
        !          14070: "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
        !          14071: actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
        !          14072: %
        !          14073: This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
        !          14074: because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
        !          14075: which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
        !          14076: "deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
        !          14077: consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
        !          14078: rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
        !          14079: oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
        !          14080: Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
        !          14081: over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
        !          14082: innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
        !          14083: passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
        !          14084: amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
        !          14085: apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
        !          14086: and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
        !          14087:                -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
        !          14088: %
        !          14089: This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
        !          14090: %
        !          14091: This is for all ill-treated fellows
        !          14092:        Unborn and unbegot,
        !          14093: For them to read when they're in trouble
        !          14094:        And I am not.
        !          14095:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          14096: %
        !          14097: "This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
        !          14098: to one."
        !          14099:                -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
        !          14100: %
        !          14101: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
        !          14102: %
        !          14103: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
        !          14104: 
        !          14105: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
        !          14106: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
        !          14107: without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
        !          14108: contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
        !          14109: can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
        !          14110: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
        !          14111: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
        !          14112: and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
        !          14113: "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
        !          14114: you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
        !          14115: Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
        !          14116: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
        !          14117: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
        !          14118: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
        !          14119: %
        !          14120: This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
        !          14121: %
        !          14122: This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
        !          14123: power of computers:
        !          14124: 
        !          14125: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
        !          14126: the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
        !          14127: minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
        !          14128: results are that one should eat each day:
        !          14129: 
        !          14130:        1/2 chicken
        !          14131:        1 egg
        !          14132:        1 glass of skim milk
        !          14133:        27 heads of lettuce.
        !          14134:                -- Rev. Adrian Melott
        !          14135: %
        !          14136: This is the story of the bee
        !          14137: Whose sex is very hard to see
        !          14138: 
        !          14139: You cannot tell the he from the she
        !          14140: But she can tell, and so can he
        !          14141: 
        !          14142: The little bee is never still
        !          14143: She has no time to take the pill
        !          14144: 
        !          14145: And that is why, in times like these
        !          14146: There are so many sons of bees.
        !          14147: %
        !          14148: This is your fortune.
        !          14149: %
        !          14150: This land is full of trousers!
        !          14151: this land is full of mausers!
        !          14152:        And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
        !          14153:                -- Firesign Theater
        !          14154: %
        !          14155: This land is made of mountains,
        !          14156: This land is made of mud,
        !          14157: This land has lots of everything,
        !          14158: For me and Elmer Fudd.
        !          14159: 
        !          14160: This land has lots of trousers,
        !          14161: This land has lots of mousers,
        !          14162: And pussycats to eat them
        !          14163: When the sun goes down.
        !          14164: %
        !          14165: This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
        !          14166: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
        !          14167: to go.
        !          14168: %
        !          14169: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
        !          14170: %
        !          14171: This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
        !          14172: great force.
        !          14173:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          14174: %
        !          14175: This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
        !          14176: the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
        !          14177: solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
        !          14178: largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
        !          14179: which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
        !          14180: paper that were unhappy.
        !          14181:                -- Douglas Adams
        !          14182: %
        !          14183: "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
        !          14184: something child-like."
        !          14185:                -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
        !          14186: %
        !          14187: This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
        !          14188: student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
        !          14189: 
        !          14190:        One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
        !          14191:        Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
        !          14192:        computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
        !          14193:        which identifies errors in the original program.
        !          14194: %
        !          14195: This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
        !          14196:                -- Hofstadter
        !          14197: %
        !          14198: ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
        !          14199: as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
        !          14200: determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.  Eighties people
        !          14201: buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s
        !          14202: couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
        !          14203: weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
        !          14204: they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
        !          14205: restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
        !          14206: excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
        !          14207: off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
        !          14208: a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
        !          14209:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !          14210: %
        !          14211: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
        !          14212: it.
        !          14213: %
        !          14214:        Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
        !          14215: rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
        !          14216: than he does.
        !          14217:        As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
        !          14218: it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
        !          14219: sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
        !          14220: consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is
        !          14221: being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
        !          14222:        The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can
        !          14223: do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
        !          14224: honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
        !          14225: be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
        !          14226: relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
        !          14227: Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.
        !          14228: This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
        !          14229:                -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
        !          14230:                   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
        !          14231:                   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
        !          14232: %
        !          14233: Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
        !          14234: of us who do.
        !          14235: %
        !          14236: Those who can't write, write manuals.
        !          14237: %
        !          14238: Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
        !          14239: %
        !          14240: "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
        !          14241:                -- French Proverb
        !          14242: %
        !          14243: Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
        !          14244:                -- Henry Spencer
        !          14245: %
        !          14246: Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
        !          14247: for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
        !          14248:                -- Aristotle
        !          14249: %
        !          14250: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
        !          14251: surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
        !          14252:                -- Mark B. Cohen
        !          14253: %
        !          14254: Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
        !          14255: %
        !          14256: Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
        !          14257: revolution inevitable.
        !          14258:                -- John F. Kennedy
        !          14259: %
        !          14260: Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
        !          14261: men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean
        !          14262: without the roar of its many waters.
        !          14263:                -- Frederick Douglass
        !          14264: %
        !          14265: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
        !          14266: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
        !          14267: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
        !          14268: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
        !          14269: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
        !          14270: more about the matter than the others.
        !          14271:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          14272: %
        !          14273: Time flies like an arrow
        !          14274: Fruit flies like a banana
        !          14275: %
        !          14276: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
        !          14277: %
        !          14278: Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
        !          14279:                -- Ford Prefect
        !          14280: %
        !          14281: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
        !          14282: once.
        !          14283: %
        !          14284: 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
        !          14285: Before his life is done,
        !          14286: To write three lines of APL,
        !          14287: And make the damn things run.
        !          14288: %
        !          14289:                (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
        !          14290: Scratch the disks, dump the core,      Shut it down, pull the plug
        !          14291: Roll the tapes across the floor,       Give the core an extra tug
        !          14292: And the system is going to crash.      And the system is going to crash.
        !          14293: Teletypes smashed to bits.             Mem'ry cards, one and all,
        !          14294: Give the scopes some nasty hits                Toss out halfway down the hall
        !          14295: And the system is going to crash.      And the system is going to crash.
        !          14296: And we've also found                   Just flip one switch
        !          14297: When you turn the power down,          And the lights will cease to twitch
        !          14298: You turn the disk readers into trash.  And the tape drives will crumble
        !          14299:                                                in a flash.
        !          14300: Oh, it's so much fun,                  When the CPU
        !          14301: Now the CPU won't run                  Can print nothing out but "foo,"
        !          14302: And the system is going to crash.      The system is going to crash.
        !          14303: %
        !          14304:        To A Quick Young Fox:
        !          14305: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
        !          14306: Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
        !          14307: Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
        !          14308: Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
        !          14309:                -- Lazy Dog
        !          14310: %
        !          14311: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
        !          14312: %
        !          14313: To be is to do.
        !          14314:                -- I. Kant
        !          14315: To do is to be.
        !          14316:                -- A. Sartre
        !          14317: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        !          14318:                -- F. Flinstone
        !          14319: %
        !          14320: "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
        !          14321: this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
        !          14322: offer in response is based on information available to make no such
        !          14323: statement."
        !          14324: %
        !          14325: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
        !          14326: call it the target.
        !          14327: %
        !          14328: To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
        !          14329: %
        !          14330: "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
        !          14331: %
        !          14332: To err is human, to moo bovine.
        !          14333: %
        !          14334: To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
        !          14335:                -- B. Duggan
        !          14336: %
        !          14337: To generalize is to be an idiot.
        !          14338:                -- William Blake
        !          14339: %
        !          14340: To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
        !          14341: men, two of them absent.
        !          14342: %
        !          14343: To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
        !          14344:                -- Thomas Edison
        !          14345: %
        !          14346: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
        !          14347: %
        !          14348: To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
        !          14349: %
        !          14350: To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
        !          14351: a test load.
        !          14352: %
        !          14353: To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
        !          14354: system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
        !          14355: inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
        !          14356: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
        !          14357: uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
        !          14358: well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
        !          14359: of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
        !          14360: secure ecological niche.
        !          14361:                -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
        !          14362: %
        !          14363: To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
        !          14364: telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local
        !          14365: computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
        !          14366: in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
        !          14367: lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
        !          14368: 
        !          14369: Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
        !          14370: suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
        !          14371: computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
        !          14372: one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
        !          14373: break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
        !          14374: incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
        !          14375: an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
        !          14376: pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
        !          14377: loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
        !          14378: and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
        !          14379:                -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
        !          14380:                   Phones?"
        !          14381: %
        !          14382: "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
        !          14383: %
        !          14384: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
        !          14385:                -- Woody Allen
        !          14386: %
        !          14387: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
        !          14388: %
        !          14389: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
        !          14390: %
        !          14391: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
        !          14392: %
        !          14393: Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
        !          14394: %
        !          14395: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
        !          14396: %
        !          14397: Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
        !          14398: 
        !          14399: And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
        !          14400:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          14401: %
        !          14402: "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
        !          14403: cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
        !          14404: spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
        !          14405:                -- Bob & Ray
        !          14406: %
        !          14407: "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
        !          14408: except in major motion pictures."
        !          14409:                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
        !          14410: %
        !          14411: Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
        !          14412:        Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
        !          14413: creating endless annoyance to male users.
        !          14414:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          14415: %
        !          14416: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
        !          14417: %
        !          14418: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          14419: %
        !          14420: Too clever is dumb.
        !          14421:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          14422: %
        !          14423: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
        !          14424:                -- Mae West
        !          14425: %
        !          14426: Too much of everything is just enough.
        !          14427:                -- Bob Wier
        !          14428: %
        !          14429: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
        !          14430: briefcases.
        !          14431:                -- Governor Jerry Brown
        !          14432: %
        !          14433: Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
        !          14434: earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
        !          14435: As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
        !          14436: Please...
        !          14437: 
        !          14438:                        CONSERVE GRAVITY
        !          14439: 
        !          14440: Follow these simple suggestions:
        !          14441: 
        !          14442: (1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
        !          14443: (2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
        !          14444: (3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
        !          14445:      curling.
        !          14446: (4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
        !          14447: (5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
        !          14448:      pile.
        !          14449: (6)  Stop flipping pancakes
        !          14450: %
        !          14451: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
        !          14452: %
        !          14453: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
        !          14454: in eucalyptus trees.
        !          14455: %
        !          14456: Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
        !          14457: intelligence.
        !          14458:                -- Henrik Tikkanen
        !          14459: %
        !          14460: Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
        !          14461:                -- Mark Twain
        !          14462: %
        !          14463: Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
        !          14464: %
        !          14465: Truthful, adj.:
        !          14466:        Dumb and illiterate.
        !          14467:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          14468: %
        !          14469: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
        !          14470:                -- Charles Schulz
        !          14471: %
        !          14472: Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
        !          14473: good.
        !          14474: %
        !          14475: Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
        !          14476: is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
        !          14477: in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
        !          14478: pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
        !          14479: defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
        !          14480: absolutely perfect future.
        !          14481:                -- Amrom Katz
        !          14482: %
        !          14483: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
        !          14484: %
        !          14485: Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
        !          14486: specification is that it should run noiselessly.
        !          14487: %
        !          14488: Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
        !          14489:                -- Alan Watts
        !          14490: %
        !          14491: Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
        !          14492: %
        !          14493: Turnaucka's Law:
        !          14494:        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        !          14495: electrical cord.
        !          14496: %
        !          14497: Tussman's Law:
        !          14498:        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
        !          14499: %
        !          14500: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
        !          14501:                -- Frank Lloyd Wright
        !          14502: %
        !          14503: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
        !          14504: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
        !          14505: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
        !          14506: And Cory raths outgrabe.
        !          14507: 
        !          14508: "Beware the software rot, my son!
        !          14509: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
        !          14510: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
        !          14511: The frumious system crash!"
        !          14512: %
        !          14513:                'Twas the Night before Crisis
        !          14514: 
        !          14515: 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
        !          14516:        Not a program was working not even a browse.
        !          14517: The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
        !          14518:        Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
        !          14519: The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
        !          14520:        While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
        !          14521: When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
        !          14522:        I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
        !          14523: And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
        !          14524:        But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
        !          14525: More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
        !          14526:        And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
        !          14527: On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
        !          14528:        On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
        !          14529: His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
        !          14530:        From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
        !          14531: A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
        !          14532:        Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
        !          14533: %
        !          14534: 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
        !          14535:    preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
        !          14536:    throughout our place of residence,
        !          14537: Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
        !          14538:    possessors of this potential, including that
        !          14539:    species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
        !          14540: Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
        !          14541:    edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
        !          14542: Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
        !          14543:    imminent visitation from an eccentric
        !          14544:    philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
        !          14545:    is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
        !          14546: %
        !          14547: Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
        !          14548:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          14549: %
        !          14550: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
        !          14551:                -- Howard Kandel
        !          14552: %
        !          14553: Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man
        !          14554: said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The
        !          14555: second man said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his
        !          14556: chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded
        !          14557: only in falling over and bruising his forehead.  Returning to the
        !          14558: courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
        !          14559: If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
        !          14560: dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
        !          14561: must pay three silver pieces."
        !          14562: %
        !          14563: Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
        !          14564: %
        !          14565: "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
        !          14566: I forget the second."
        !          14567: %
        !          14568: Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
        !          14569: %
        !          14570: U:     There's a U -- a Unicorn!
        !          14571:        Run right up and rub its horn.
        !          14572:        Look at all those points you're losing!
        !          14573:        UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
        !          14574:                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        !          14575: %
        !          14576: "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
        !          14577: 
        !          14578: (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
        !          14579:                -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
        !          14580: %
        !          14581: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
        !          14582: %
        !          14583: "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
        !          14584: 
        !          14585: "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
        !          14586: right?"
        !          14587:                -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
        !          14588: %
        !          14589: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
        !          14590:        Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
        !          14591: hammer or get a splinter in it.
        !          14592: %
        !          14593: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
        !          14594:        Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
        !          14595: hammmer or get a splinter in it.
        !          14596: %
        !          14597: Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
        !          14598: just man is also a prison.
        !          14599:                -- Henry David Thoreau
        !          14600: %
        !          14601: Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
        !          14602: just man is also in prison.
        !          14603:                -- Henry David Thoreau
        !          14604: %
        !          14605: Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it
        !          14606: can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
        !          14607: %
        !          14608: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        !          14609:        Superiority is recessive.
        !          14610: %
        !          14611: Unfair animal names:
        !          14612: 
        !          14613: -- tsetse fly                  -- bullhead
        !          14614: -- booby                       -- duck-billed platypus
        !          14615: -- sapsucker                   -- Clarence
        !          14616:                -- Gary Larson
        !          14617: %
        !          14618: United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
        !          14619: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
        !          14620: all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
        !          14621: all the patriots of every persuasion.
        !          14622: 
        !          14623: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
        !          14624: world.
        !          14625:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          14626: %
        !          14627: Universe, n.:
        !          14628:        The problem.
        !          14629: %
        !          14630: University, n.:
        !          14631:        Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
        !          14632: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
        !          14633: fix it, and ...
        !          14634: %
        !          14635: unix soit qui mal y pense
        !          14636: %
        !          14637: UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
        !          14638: Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
        !          14639:                -- Andy Tannenbaum
        !          14640: %
        !          14641: Unnamed Law:
        !          14642:        If it happens, it must be possible.
        !          14643: %
        !          14644: Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
        !          14645: twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
        !          14646:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          14647: %
        !          14648: Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
        !          14649: %
        !          14650: User n.:
        !          14651:        A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
        !          14652: %
        !          14653: USER, n.:
        !          14654:        The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
        !          14655:                -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
        !          14656: %
        !          14657: Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
        !          14658:                -- S. C. Johnson
        !          14659: %
        !          14660: Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
        !          14661: opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
        !          14662:                -- Doug Larson
        !          14663: %
        !          14664: Vail's Second Axiom:
        !          14665:        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        !          14666: amount of work already completed.
        !          14667: %
        !          14668: Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
        !          14669: Tom:    I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
        !          14670:                -- Tom Chapin
        !          14671: %
        !          14672: Van Roy's Law:
        !          14673:        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
        !          14674: %
        !          14675: Vanilla, adj.:
        !          14676:        Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
        !          14677: very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
        !          14678: extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
        !          14679: "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
        !          14680: and sour won ton soup.
        !          14681: %
        !          14682: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        !          14683:        (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
        !          14684:            once.
        !          14685:        (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
        !          14686:            points.
        !          14687: %
        !          14688: Veni, Vidi, Visa.
        !          14689: %
        !          14690:        "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past
        !          14691: year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley
        !          14692: reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
        !          14693: artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue
        !          14694: moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
        !          14695: Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the
        !          14696: entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the
        !          14697: sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
        !          14698: 
        !          14699:        "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
        !          14700: 
        !          14701:        "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
        !          14702: good copy."
        !          14703:                -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !          14704: %
        !          14705: Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
        !          14706: %
        !          14707: Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
        !          14708: Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
        !          14709:       waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
        !          14710: %
        !          14711: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        !          14712:                -- Salvor Hardin
        !          14713: %
        !          14714: Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
        !          14715: yard.
        !          14716: %
        !          14717: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        !          14718:        Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
        !          14719:        ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
        !          14720:        morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
        !          14721:        wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
        !          14722:        that old underwear you own.
        !          14723: %
        !          14724: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        !          14725:        You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
        !          14726:        sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
        !          14727:        sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
        !          14728:        drivers.
        !          14729: %
        !          14730: "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
        !          14731: %
        !          14732: Virtue is its own punishment.
        !          14733: %
        !          14734: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
        !          14735: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
        !          14736: %
        !          14737: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
        !          14738: %
        !          14739: VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
        !          14740: %
        !          14741: Vote anarchist
        !          14742: %
        !          14743: Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
        !          14744: TAX-DEFERRED!
        !          14745: %
        !          14746: VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
        !          14747: %
        !          14748: 
        !          14749:    *** System shutdown message from root ***
        !          14750: 
        !          14751: System going down in 60 seconds
        !          14752: 
        !          14753: 
        !          14754: %
        !          14755: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
        !          14756:                -- Mark Twain
        !          14757: %
        !          14758: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
        !          14759: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
        !          14760: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        !          14761:        (Waiter exits, returns)
        !          14762: Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
        !          14763: %
        !          14764: Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
        !          14765: %
        !          14766: War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
        !          14767:                -- Charles Edward Montague
        !          14768: %
        !          14769: War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
        !          14770: %
        !          14771:                WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
        !          14772: 
        !          14773: Firings will continue until morale improves.
        !          14774: %
        !          14775:        WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
        !          14776: 
        !          14777: Firings will continue until morale improves.
        !          14778: %
        !          14779: WARNING:
        !          14780:        Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
        !          14781: mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
        !          14782: your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
        !          14783: %
        !          14784: Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
        !          14785: those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
        !          14786: up.
        !          14787:                -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
        !          14788: %
        !          14789: Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
        !          14790: %
        !          14791: Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
        !          14792:                -- John F. Kennedy
        !          14793: %
        !          14794: Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
        !          14795: %
        !          14796: Wasting time is an important part of living.
        !          14797: %
        !          14798: Watson's Law:
        !          14799:        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        !          14800: number and significance of any persons watching it.
        !          14801: %
        !          14802: We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which
        !          14803: divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
        !          14804: correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
        !          14805:                -- Niels Bohr
        !          14806: %
        !          14807: We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
        !          14808:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          14809: %
        !          14810: We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.
        !          14811:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          14812: %
        !          14813: We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
        !          14814:                -- Whole Earth Catalog
        !          14815: %
        !          14816: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
        !          14817:                -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
        !          14818: %
        !          14819: We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
        !          14820: socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
        !          14821: bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
        !          14822: socialism?
        !          14823:                -- Fidel Castro
        !          14824: %
        !          14825: "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
        !          14826: theorem."
        !          14827:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          14828: %
        !          14829: "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
        !          14830:                -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
        !          14831: %
        !          14832: We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
        !          14833: %
        !          14834: We can predict everything, except the future.
        !          14835: %
        !          14836: We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
        !          14837: deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
        !          14838:                -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
        !          14839: %
        !          14840: "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
        !          14841:                -- Vroomfondel
        !          14842: %
        !          14843: "We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
        !          14844: %
        !          14845: We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
        !          14846: fish.
        !          14847: %
        !          14848: We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
        !          14849: hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
        !          14850: %
        !          14851: We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
        !          14852:                -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
        !          14853: %
        !          14854: "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
        !          14855: hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
        !          14856: mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
        !          14857: our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
        !          14858:                -- Monty Python
        !          14859: %
        !          14860: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
        !          14861:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          14862: %
        !          14863: We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
        !          14864: back to normal, and that they already have.
        !          14865: %
        !          14866: "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
        !          14867: hands for masturbation."
        !          14868:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          14869: %
        !          14870: We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
        !          14871: official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
        !          14872: Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
        !          14873: you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
        !          14874: said "ELECTROCUTION".
        !          14875: 
        !          14876: Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
        !          14877: teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
        !          14878: process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
        !          14879: couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
        !          14880: out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
        !          14881: stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
        !          14882: floor, which is how the police would find you.
        !          14883: 
        !          14884: You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
        !          14885:                -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
        !          14886: %
        !          14887: We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
        !          14888: purely intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start
        !          14889: with?  Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
        !          14890: playing of chess, would be best.  It can also be maintained that it is
        !          14891: best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
        !          14892: buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
        !          14893:                -- Alan M. Turing
        !          14894: %
        !          14895: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
        !          14896: respect their good judgement.
        !          14897: %
        !          14898: We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
        !          14899: no matter how self-seeking.
        !          14900:                -- F. G. Withington
        !          14901: %
        !          14902: We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
        !          14903: people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
        !          14904: For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
        !          14905: to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
        !          14906: fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
        !          14907: primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
        !          14908: ugly paneling is to begin with.
        !          14909:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          14910: %
        !          14911: We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
        !          14912: friends are trying to kill us.
        !          14913: %
        !          14914:        We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
        !          14915: But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
        !          14916: Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
        !          14917:        I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
        !          14918: her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
        !          14919: had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
        !          14920: told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was
        !          14921: lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
        !          14922: fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
        !          14923: what men must do. ...
        !          14924:        "Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
        !          14925: sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
        !          14926: not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
        !          14927: quiet and peace I will never forget.
        !          14928:        "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
        !          14929: tollway belle's for thee."
        !          14930:        The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
        !          14931: a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
        !          14932: poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
        !          14933:                -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
        !          14934:                   Competition
        !          14935: %
        !          14936: We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
        !          14937: technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
        !          14938: %
        !          14939: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
        !          14940: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
        !          14941: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
        !          14942: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
        !          14943: in the end a summer with wild winds &
        !          14944: new friends will be.
        !          14945: %
        !          14946: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          14947: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          14948: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          14949: And a Sun Myung Moon!
        !          14950:                -- Maxwell Smart
        !          14951: %
        !          14952: "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
        !          14953: %
        !          14954: We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
        !          14955: the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
        !          14956: you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
        !          14957: in his bowl full of jelly.
        !          14958:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          14959: %
        !          14960: We're only in it for the volume.
        !          14961:                -- Black Sabbath
        !          14962: %
        !          14963: We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
        !          14964: of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
        !          14965: but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
        !          14966:                -- Andy Rooney
        !          14967: %
        !          14968: Weiler's Law:
        !          14969:        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        !          14970: himself.
        !          14971: %
        !          14972: Weinberg's First Law:
        !          14973:        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
        !          14974: %
        !          14975: Weinberg's Principle:
        !          14976:        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        !          14977: sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
        !          14978: %
        !          14979: Weinberg's Second Law:
        !          14980:        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        !          14981: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
        !          14982: %
        !          14983: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        !          14984:        There are no answers, only cross references.
        !          14985: %
        !          14986: Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
        !          14987: you run out of food.
        !          14988:                -- Dean McLaughlin.
        !          14989: %
        !          14990: Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
        !          14991: lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a
        !          14992: governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
        !          14993: reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
        !          14994: contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men
        !          14995: will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
        !          14996: most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
        !          14997: appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
        !          14998: morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
        !          14999: interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
        !          15000: guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
        !          15001: the entire show without answering a single question ...
        !          15002:                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
        !          15003: %
        !          15004: Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
        !          15005: back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
        !          15006: or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
        !          15007: they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
        !          15008:                -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
        !          15009: %
        !          15010: "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
        !          15011: you believe?!"
        !          15012:                -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
        !          15013: %
        !          15014: Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
        !          15015:        And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
        !          15016: I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
        !          15017:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          15018: 
        !          15019: If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
        !          15020:        Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
        !          15021: 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
        !          15022:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          15023: 
        !          15024: On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
        !          15025:        But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
        !          15026: Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
        !          15027:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          15028:                -- Core Dumped Blues
        !          15029: %
        !          15030: "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
        !          15031: 
        !          15032: "Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
        !          15033: coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
        !          15034:                -- Dr. Who
        !          15035: %
        !          15036: "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
        !          15037: no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
        !          15038: hundred."
        !          15039:                -- The Mahabharata.
        !          15040: %
        !          15041: Westheimer's Discovery:
        !          15042:        A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
        !          15043: couple of hours in the library.
        !          15044: %
        !          15045: Wethern's Law:
        !          15046:        Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
        !          15047: %
        !          15048: "What are we going to do?"
        !          15049: 
        !          15050: "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for
        !          15051: something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
        !          15052: short initiation period."
        !          15053: %
        !          15054: "What are you doing?"
        !          15055: 
        !          15056: "Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
        !          15057: that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
        !          15058: initiation period."
        !          15059: %
        !          15060: What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
        !          15061: %
        !          15062:        "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
        !          15063: teenager asked her mother.
        !          15064:        "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
        !          15065: %
        !          15066: What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
        !          15067: %
        !          15068: What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
        !          15069: %
        !          15070: What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
        !          15071: %
        !          15072: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
        !          15073: %
        !          15074: "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
        !          15075: that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
        !          15076: country. Nice try anyway, George."
        !          15077:                -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
        !          15078: %
        !          15079: What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
        !          15080: entrance?
        !          15081: %
        !          15082: What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
        !          15083: in his footsteps?
        !          15084: %
        !          15085: What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
        !          15086: stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
        !          15087: barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
        !          15088: from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
        !          15089: while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our
        !          15090: dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
        !          15091: powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
        !          15092: bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
        !          15093: one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
        !          15094: lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
        !          15095: you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
        !          15096: if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
        !          15097: that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
        !          15098: they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
        !          15099: flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
        !          15100:                -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
        !          15101: %
        !          15102: What I tell you three times is true.
        !          15103: %
        !          15104: "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
        !          15105: sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
        !          15106: with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
        !          15107: came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
        !          15108: parties.
        !          15109:                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
        !          15110: %
        !          15111: What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
        !          15112: %
        !          15113: "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
        !          15114:                -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
        !          15115: %
        !          15116: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
        !          15117: definitely overpaid for my carpet.
        !          15118:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          15119: %
        !          15120: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
        !          15121: worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
        !          15122:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          15123: %
        !          15124: What is a magician but a practising theorist?
        !          15125:                -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
        !          15126: %
        !          15127: What is mind?  No matter.
        !          15128: What is matter?  Never mind.
        !          15129:                -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
        !          15130: %
        !          15131: What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
        !          15132: computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
        !          15133: and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
        !          15134: %
        !          15135: "What is the Nature of God?"
        !          15136: 
        !          15137:     CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
        !          15138:     1 QT. SOUR CREAM
        !          15139:     1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
        !          15140:     1/2 CUT CHIVES.
        !          15141:     STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
        !          15142: 
        !          15143: "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
        !          15144:                -- Bloom County
        !          15145: %
        !          15146: "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
        !          15147:                -- Bertold Brecht
        !          15148: %
        !          15149: "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
        !          15150: which is the exact opposite."
        !          15151:                -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
        !          15152: %
        !          15153: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
        !          15154: %
        !          15155: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
        !          15156: to compare it with.
        !          15157: %
        !          15158: What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
        !          15159: It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
        !          15160: and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
        !          15161: and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
        !          15162: women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
        !          15163: mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
        !          15164: and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
        !          15165:                -- Susan Gordon
        !          15166: %
        !          15167: What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
        !          15168:                -- Ursula K. LeGuin
        !          15169: %
        !          15170: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
        !          15171: %
        !          15172: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
        !          15173: %
        !          15174: What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
        !          15175: %
        !          15176: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
        !          15177: bagel.
        !          15178: %
        !          15179: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
        !          15180: %
        !          15181: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
        !          15182: %
        !          15183: What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
        !          15184: %
        !          15185: What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
        !          15186: %
        !          15187: What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
        !          15188: %
        !          15189: What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
        !          15190: %
        !          15191: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
        !          15192:                -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
        !          15193: %
        !          15194: What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
        !          15195: nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
        !          15196: Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
        !          15197: launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
        !          15198: remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
        !          15199: process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
        !          15200: be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
        !          15201:                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
        !          15202: %
        !          15203: What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
        !          15204: %
        !          15205: "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
        !          15206:                -- Steven Wright
        !          15207: %
        !          15208:        "What's that thing?"
        !          15209:        "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
        !          15210: computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
        !          15211: it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
        !          15212:                -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
        !          15213: %
        !          15214: "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
        !          15215:                -- Dr. Who
        !          15216: %
        !          15217: "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
        !          15218:                -- The Doctor
        !          15219: %
        !          15220: Whatever became of eternal truth?
        !          15221: %
        !          15222: Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
        !          15223: cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
        !          15224: as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
        !          15225: hundred dollar bills."
        !          15226:                -- Herb Caen
        !          15227: %
        !          15228: Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
        !          15229: nailed down.
        !          15230:                -- Collis P. Huntingdon
        !          15231: %
        !          15232: "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
        !          15233: cockroaches!"
        !          15234:                -- Mom
        !          15235: %
        !          15236: When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
        !          15237: money is.
        !          15238:                -- Robespierre
        !          15239: %
        !          15240: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
        !          15241: thing," it's the money.
        !          15242:                -- Kim Hubbard
        !          15243: %
        !          15244: When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
        !          15245: loop?
        !          15246: %
        !          15247: When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
        !          15248: not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
        !          15249: travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
        !          15250:                -- Robert Heinlein
        !          15251: %
        !          15252: When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
        !          15253: sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
        !          15254: relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
        !          15255:                -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
        !          15256:                   Maintenance"
        !          15257: %
        !          15258: When all other means of communication fail, try words.
        !          15259: %
        !          15260: "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
        !          15261: tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
        !          15262:                -- Reuben Flagg
        !          15263: %
        !          15264: When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
        !          15265: the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
        !          15266:                -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
        !          15267: %
        !          15268: When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
        !          15269: think it was a Tuesday.
        !          15270: %
        !          15271: When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
        !          15272: guarantee them.
        !          15273: %
        !          15274: "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
        !          15275: parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
        !          15276: I'm leaving."
        !          15277:                -- Steven Wright
        !          15278: %
        !          15279: When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
        !          15280: year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
        !          15281: winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
        !          15282:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          15283: %
        !          15284: When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
        !          15285: ladies, and, of course, the goat.
        !          15286: %
        !          15287: When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
        !          15288: I'm beginning to believe it.
        !          15289:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          15290: %
        !          15291: When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
        !          15292: take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
        !          15293: and get you."
        !          15294:                -- Jerry Lewis
        !          15295: %
        !          15296: "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
        !          15297: firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
        !          15298:                -- Steven Wright
        !          15299: %
        !          15300: When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
        !          15301: the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
        !          15302:                -- Woody Allen
        !          15303: %
        !          15304: When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
        !          15305: act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
        !          15306: group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
        !          15307: six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
        !          15308: together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
        !          15309: Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
        !          15310: responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
        !          15311: establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
        !          15312: been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
        !          15313: together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
        !          15314:                -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
        !          15315: %
        !          15316: When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
        !          15317: or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
        !          15318: cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
        !          15319: go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
        !          15320:                -- Mark Twain
        !          15321: %
        !          15322: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
        !          15323: %
        !          15324: "When in doubt, tell the truth."
        !          15325:                -- Mark Twain
        !          15326: %
        !          15327: When in doubt, use brute force.
        !          15328:                -- Ken Thompson
        !          15329: %
        !          15330: When in panic, fear and doubt,
        !          15331: Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
        !          15332: %
        !          15333: When love is gone, there's always justice.
        !          15334: And when justice is gone, there's always force.
        !          15335: And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
        !          15336: Hi, Mom!
        !          15337:                -- Laurie Anderson
        !          15338: %
        !          15339: When Marriage is Outlawed,
        !          15340: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
        !          15341: %
        !          15342: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
        !          15343: results.
        !          15344:                -- Calvin Coolidge
        !          15345: %
        !          15346: When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
        !          15347: concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
        !          15348: and I find I mind it less and less."
        !          15349:                -- Louise Andrews Kent
        !          15350: %
        !          15351: When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
        !          15352: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
        !          15353: your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
        !          15354:                -- Daniel B. Luten
        !          15355: %
        !          15356: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
        !          15357: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
        !          15358: %
        !          15359: "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
        !          15360:                -- Jon Carroll
        !          15361: %
        !          15362: When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
        !          15363: modify the problem, not the remedy.
        !          15364: %
        !          15365: When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
        !          15366: the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
        !          15367: nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
        !          15368:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          15369: %
        !          15370: When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
        !          15371: metaphysics.
        !          15372:                -- Voltaire
        !          15373: %
        !          15374: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
        !          15375: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
        !          15376: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
        !          15377: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
        !          15378: corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
        !          15379:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          15380: %
        !          15381: When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
        !          15382: plane will fly.
        !          15383:                -- Donald Douglas
        !          15384: %
        !          15385: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
        !          15386: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
        !          15387: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
        !          15388: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
        !          15389:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          15390: %
        !          15391: When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
        !          15392: not hereditary.
        !          15393:                -- Thomas Paine
        !          15394: %
        !          15395: When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
        !          15396: except our fingertips will have been singed.
        !          15397:                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
        !          15398: %
        !          15399: When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
        !          15400: investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
        !          15401: so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
        !          15402: swayed, directly to the goal.
        !          15403:                -- Amrom Katz
        !          15404: %
        !          15405: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
        !          15406: %
        !          15407: When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
        !          15408: %
        !          15409: When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
        !          15410:                -- Harry Truman
        !          15411: %
        !          15412:        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
        !          15413: clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
        !          15414: to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
        !          15415:        In a way, the next move is up to him.
        !          15416:                -- R. A. Lafferty
        !          15417: %
        !          15418: "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 
        !          15419:                -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
        !          15420: %
        !          15421: When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
        !          15422: asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
        !          15423: know the answer either.
        !          15424:                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
        !          15425: %
        !          15426: When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
        !          15427:                -- The Wall Street Journal
        !          15428: %
        !          15429: When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
        !          15430: impression you will make.
        !          15431: %
        !          15432: When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
        !          15433: Wretched, bored, dejected; only
        !          15434: Here's the rub, my darling dear
        !          15435: I feel the same when you are near.
        !          15436:                -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
        !          15437: %
        !          15438: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
        !          15439: %
        !          15440: Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
        !          15441:                -- Dave Parnas
        !          15442: %
        !          15443: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
        !          15444: see it tried on him personally.
        !          15445:                -- A. Lincoln
        !          15446: %
        !          15447: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
        !          15448:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          15449: %
        !          15450: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
        !          15451: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
        !          15452: Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
        !          15453:                -- Mark Twain
        !          15454:                   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
        !          15455: %
        !          15456: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
        !          15457: to reform.
        !          15458:                -- Mark Twain
        !          15459: %
        !          15460: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
        !          15461: 
        !          15462:        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        !          15463:        When it's converted to energy?
        !          15464:        There is a slight loss of parity.
        !          15465:        Johnny's so long at the fair.
        !          15466: %
        !          15467: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
        !          15468: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
        !          15469:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          15470: %
        !          15471: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
        !          15472: %
        !          15473: Whether you can hear it or not
        !          15474: The Universe is laughing behind your back
        !          15475:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
        !          15476: %
        !          15477: Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
        !          15478: %
        !          15479: While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
        !          15480: admission to someone else.
        !          15481: %
        !          15482: While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
        !          15483: The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
        !          15484: While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
        !          15485: And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
        !          15486: Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
        !          15487: The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
        !          15488:                -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
        !          15489:                   November 26, 1792
        !          15490: %
        !          15491: While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
        !          15492: %
        !          15493: While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
        !          15494: keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
        !          15495:                -- Edward Stevenson
        !          15496: %
        !          15497: While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
        !          15498: form of misery.
        !          15499: %
        !          15500: While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
        !          15501: position.
        !          15502: %
        !          15503: While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
        !          15504: correctness never does.
        !          15505: %
        !          15506: While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
        !          15507: reassuring to know that it's still there.
        !          15508: %
        !          15509: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
        !          15510: safe, for you can watch both of his.
        !          15511:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          15512: %
        !          15513: Whistler's Law:
        !          15514:        You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
        !          15515: charge.
        !          15516: %
        !          15517: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
        !          15518: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
        !          15519: %
        !          15520: Who made the world I cannot tell;
        !          15521: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
        !          15522: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
        !          15523: I never soiled with such a deed.
        !          15524:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          15525: %
        !          15526: Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
        !          15527: %
        !          15528: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
        !          15529: %
        !          15530: Who's on first?
        !          15531: %
        !          15532: "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
        !          15533:                -- George Ade
        !          15534: %
        !          15535: Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
        !          15536: %
        !          15537: Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
        !          15538: %
        !          15539: "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
        !          15540: have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
        !          15541:                -- Ian Shoales
        !          15542: %
        !          15543: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
        !          15544:                -- Bertold Brecht
        !          15545: %
        !          15546: Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
        !          15547: have?
        !          15548: %
        !          15549: Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
        !          15550: %
        !          15551: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
        !          15552: avoid responsibility with?
        !          15553: %
        !          15554: Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
        !          15555: automation?
        !          15556: %
        !          15557: Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
        !          15558: %
        !          15559: Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
        !          15560: there must be a beverage.
        !          15561:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          15562: %
        !          15563: Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
        !          15564: more lawyers?
        !          15565: 
        !          15566: New Jersey had first choice.
        !          15567: %
        !          15568: Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
        !          15569: 
        !          15570: Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
        !          15571: %
        !          15572: Why I Can't Go Out With You:
        !          15573: 
        !          15574: I'd LOVE to, but ...
        !          15575:        -- I have to floss my cat.
        !          15576:        -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
        !          15577:        -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
        !          15578:        -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
        !          15579:        -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
        !          15580:        -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
        !          15581:        -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
        !          15582:        -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
        !          15583:        -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
        !          15584:        -- I have some really hard words to look up.
        !          15585:        -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
        !          15586:        -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
        !          15587: %
        !          15588: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
        !          15589: because we are not the person involved"
        !          15590:                -- Mark Twain
        !          15591: %
        !          15592: Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
        !          15593: %
        !          15594: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
        !          15595:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          15596: %
        !          15597: "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
        !          15598: you knowing nothing?"
        !          15599:                -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
        !          15600: %
        !          15601: Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
        !          15602: Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
        !          15603: children open their old-fashioned presents.
        !          15604: 
        !          15605: Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
        !          15606: 
        !          15607: You:   "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
        !          15608:        falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"
        !          15609: 
        !          15610: Son:   "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
        !          15611:        with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
        !          15612:        and I get this cretin TOP?"
        !          15613: 
        !          15614: Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."
        !          15615: 
        !          15616: You:   "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"
        !          15617: 
        !          15618: Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
        !          15619:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          15620: %
        !          15621: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
        !          15622:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          15623: %
        !          15624: Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
        !          15625:        No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
        !          15626: when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
        !          15627: direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
        !          15628:                -- John L.  Shelton
        !          15629: %
        !          15630: Wiker's Law:
        !          15631:        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
        !          15632: %
        !          15633:                William Safire's Rules for Writers:
        !          15634: 
        !          15635: Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
        !          15636: be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
        !          15637: agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
        !          15638: out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
        !          15639: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
        !          15640: not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
        !          15641: conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
        !          15642: sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
        !          15643: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
        !          15644: words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
        !          15645: must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
        !          15646: linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
        !          15647: metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
        !          15648: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
        !          15649: writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
        !          15650: the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
        !          15651: viable alternatives.
        !          15652: %
        !          15653: Williams and Holland's Law:
        !          15654:        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        !          15655: statistical methods.
        !          15656: %
        !          15657: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
        !          15658: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
        !          15659: %
        !          15660: Wit, n.:
        !          15661:        The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
        !          15662: ... by leaving it out.
        !          15663:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          15664: %
        !          15665: With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
        !          15666: try to be a fraud and a half.
        !          15667:                -- Otto von Bismark
        !          15668: %
        !          15669: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
        !          15670:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          15671: %
        !          15672: With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
        !          15673: build a nuclear balm?
        !          15674: %
        !          15675: With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
        !          15676: miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
        !          15677: still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
        !          15678: such thing as progress.
        !          15679:                -- Ransom K. Ferm
        !          15680: %
        !          15681: Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
        !          15682: %
        !          15683: Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
        !          15684:        (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
        !          15685:        (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
        !          15686:        (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
        !          15687:        (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
        !          15688:            VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
        !          15689:        (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
        !          15690:                -- Rich Kulawiec
        !          15691: %
        !          15692: Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
        !          15693: you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
        !          15694: down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
        !          15695: tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
        !          15696: long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
        !          15697: there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
        !          15698: come back.
        !          15699: 
        !          15700: Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
        !          15701: when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
        !          15702: Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
        !          15703: cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
        !          15704: heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
        !          15705: beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
        !          15706: and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
        !          15707: although their insurance rates went way up.
        !          15708:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          15709: %
        !          15710: Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
        !          15711:        We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage
        !          15712: any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
        !          15713: should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,
        !          15714: and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
        !          15715: bargained for.
        !          15716: %
        !          15717: Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your
        !          15718: chairs.
        !          15719: %
        !          15720: World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
        !          15721: dress code!
        !          15722: %
        !          15723: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
        !          15724:        August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
        !          15725:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          15726: %
        !          15727: Worst Month of the Year:
        !          15728:        February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
        !          15729: you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
        !          15730: get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
        !          15731:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          15732: %
        !          15733: Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
        !          15734:        From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
        !          15735: in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
        !          15736: damage my videotapes?"
        !          15737: %
        !          15738: Worst Vegetable of the Year:
        !          15739:        The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
        !          15740: year.
        !          15741:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          15742: %
        !          15743: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
        !          15744: 
        !          15745: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
        !          15746:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          15747: %
        !          15748: "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
        !          15749: and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
        !          15750: if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
        !          15751: and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
        !          15752: and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
        !          15753: %
        !          15754: Write-Protect Tab, n.:
        !          15755:        A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
        !          15756: left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
        !          15757: message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
        !          15758: momentary inconvenience.
        !          15759:                -- Robb Russon
        !          15760: %
        !          15761: Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
        !          15762:                -- Frank Zappa
        !          15763: %
        !          15764: "Wrong," said Renner.
        !          15765: 
        !          15766: "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
        !          15767: the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
        !          15768: %
        !          15769: X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
        !          15770: imagination is the plot.
        !          15771: %
        !          15772: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
        !          15773: %
        !          15774: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
        !          15775: %
        !          15776: XIIdigitation, n.:
        !          15777:        The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
        !          15778: by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
        !          15779:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          15780: %
        !          15781: "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
        !          15782: goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
        !          15783: their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
        !          15784: unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
        !          15785: doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
        !          15786:                -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
        !          15787: %
        !          15788: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
        !          15789: fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
        !          15790: operators together.
        !          15791:                -- Steve Higgins
        !          15792: %
        !          15793: "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
        !          15794: %
        !          15795: Year, n.:
        !          15796:        A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
        !          15797:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          15798: %
        !          15799: Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
        !          15800: %
        !          15801: Yes, but which self do you want to be?
        !          15802: %
        !          15803: Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
        !          15804: be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
        !          15805:                -- Snoopy
        !          15806: %
        !          15807: Yesterday upon the stair
        !          15808: I met a man who wasn't there.
        !          15809: He wasn't there again today --
        !          15810: I think he's from the CIA.
        !          15811: %
        !          15812: Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
        !          15813:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          15814: %
        !          15815: Yinkel, n.:
        !          15816:        A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
        !          15817: will notice.
        !          15818:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          15819: %
        !          15820: You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
        !          15821: %
        !          15822: You are here:   
        !          15823:                ***
        !          15824:                ***
        !          15825:             *********
        !          15826:              *******
        !          15827:               *****
        !          15828:                ***
        !          15829:                 *
        !          15830: 
        !          15831:                 But you're not all there.
        !          15832: %
        !          15833: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
        !          15834:        "All your papers these days look the same;
        !          15835: Those William's would be better unread --
        !          15836:        Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
        !          15837: 
        !          15838: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
        !          15839:        "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
        !          15840: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
        !          15841:        Made it pointless to think any more."
        !          15842: %
        !          15843: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
        !          15844:        "And your hair has become very white;
        !          15845: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
        !          15846:        Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
        !          15847: 
        !          15848: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
        !          15849:        "I feared it might injure the brain;
        !          15850: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
        !          15851:        Why, I do it again and again."
        !          15852:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          15853: %
        !          15854: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
        !          15855:        That your lectures bore people to death.
        !          15856: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
        !          15857:        Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
        !          15858: 
        !          15859: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
        !          15860:        Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
        !          15861: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !          15862:        Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
        !          15863: %
        !          15864: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
        !          15865:        For anything tougher than suet;
        !          15866: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
        !          15867:        Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
        !          15868: 
        !          15869: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
        !          15870:        And argued each case with my wife;
        !          15871: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
        !          15872:        Has lasted the rest of my life."
        !          15873:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          15874: %
        !          15875: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
        !          15876:        And there isn't one language you like;
        !          15877: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
        !          15878:        Have you thought about taking a hike?"
        !          15879: 
        !          15880: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
        !          15881:        "Every language looks equally bad;
        !          15882: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
        !          15883:        And don't realize that they've been had."
        !          15884: %
        !          15885: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !          15886:        And have grown most uncommonly fat;
        !          15887: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
        !          15888:        Pray what is the reason of that?"
        !          15889: 
        !          15890: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
        !          15891:        "I kept all my limbs very supple
        !          15892: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
        !          15893:        Allow me to sell you a couple?"
        !          15894:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          15895: %
        !          15896: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !          15897:        And make errors few people could bear;
        !          15898: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
        !          15899:        Do you really think this is quite fair?"
        !          15900: 
        !          15901: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
        !          15902:        "But my stature these days is so great
        !          15903: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
        !          15904:        And to stop me it's now far too late."
        !          15905: %
        !          15906: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
        !          15907:        That your eye was as steady as ever;
        !          15908: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
        !          15909:        What made you so awfully clever?"
        !          15910: 
        !          15911: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
        !          15912:        Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
        !          15913: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !          15914:        Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
        !          15915:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          15916: %
        !          15917: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
        !          15918: %
        !          15919: You are the only person to ever get this message.
        !          15920: %
        !          15921: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
        !          15922: this sort of trash.
        !          15923: %
        !          15924: You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
        !          15925: %
        !          15926: You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
        !          15927: incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
        !          15928: Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
        !          15929: to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
        !          15930: nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
        !          15931: they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
        !          15932: some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
        !          15933: 
        !          15934: The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
        !          15935: pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
        !          15936: safety glasses.
        !          15937:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          15938: %
        !          15939: "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 
        !          15940: doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
        !          15941:                -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
        !          15942: %
        !          15943: You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
        !          15944: executive.
        !          15945: %
        !          15946: "You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
        !          15947: Why do you find that funny?"
        !          15948:                -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
        !          15949: %
        !          15950: You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
        !          15951: can with just a kind word.
        !          15952:                -- Bumper Sticker
        !          15953: %
        !          15954: You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
        !          15955: for instance.
        !          15956:                -- Franklin P. Jones
        !          15957: %
        !          15958: You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
        !          15959: %
        !          15960: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
        !          15961: the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
        !          15962:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          15963: %
        !          15964: You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
        !          15965: %
        !          15966: You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
        !          15967: decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
        !          15968: over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
        !          15969:                -- F. Allen
        !          15970: %
        !          15971: You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
        !          15972: supercomputers.
        !          15973:                -- Steven Feiner
        !          15974: %
        !          15975: You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
        !          15976: %
        !          15977: "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
        !          15978:                -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
        !          15979: %
        !          15980: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
        !          15981: %
        !          15982: "You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"
        !          15983:                -- Steven Wright
        !          15984: %
        !          15985: You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
        !          15986:                -- Booker T. Washington
        !          15987: %
        !          15988: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
        !          15989: %
        !          15990: "You can't make a program without broken egos."
        !          15991: %
        !          15992: You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
        !          15993: enough worrying about what's happening now.
        !          15994:                -- Lauren Bacall
        !          15995: %
        !          15996: "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
        !          15997:                -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
        !          15998:                   Over and Over"
        !          15999: %
        !          16000: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
        !          16001: don't."
        !          16002:                -- Dagwood Bumstead
        !          16003: %
        !          16004: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
        !          16005: %
        !          16006: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
        !          16007: %
        !          16008: You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
        !          16009: %
        !          16010: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
        !          16011: and last month in advance.
        !          16012: %
        !          16013: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
        !          16014: doubt.
        !          16015:                -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
        !          16016: %
        !          16017: You do not have mail.
        !          16018: %
        !          16019: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
        !          16020:                -- J. D. Salinger
        !          16021: %
        !          16022: You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
        !          16023: needles.
        !          16024:                -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
        !          16025: %
        !          16026: You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
        !          16027: The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
        !          16028: which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
        !          16029: tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
        !          16030: names.  Here's the complete text:
        !          16031: 
        !          16032:        "(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
        !          16033:        "(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
        !          16034:        "(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
        !          16035:             send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
        !          16036:             THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
        !          16037:             household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
        !          16038:             you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
        !          16039:             NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
        !          16040: 
        !          16041: The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
        !          16042: money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
        !          16043: form.
        !          16044:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          16045: %
        !          16046: You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
        !          16047: %
        !          16048: You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
        !          16049: 
        !          16050: This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
        !          16051: 
        !          16052: You are permanently confused.
        !          16053:                -- Dave Decot
        !          16054: %
        !          16055: You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
        !          16056: metal objects which are not fastened down.
        !          16057: %
        !          16058: You have junk mail.
        !          16059: %
        !          16060: You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets
        !          16061: wrinkled.
        !          16062: %
        !          16063: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
        !          16064: today.
        !          16065: %
        !          16066: You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
        !          16067: you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
        !          16068: %
        !          16069: You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
        !          16070: anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
        !          16071: you can always change the channel.
        !          16072:                -- Jim Ignatowski
        !          16073: %
        !          16074: You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
        !          16075:                -- S. Rickly Christian
        !          16076: %
        !          16077: You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
        !          16078:                -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
        !          16079: %
        !          16080: You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
        !          16081: friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
        !          16082: %
        !          16083: You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
        !          16084: %
        !          16085:        "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
        !          16086: airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
        !          16087: deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
        !          16088: when I was young!"
        !          16089:        "Why, what did she tell you?"
        !          16090:        "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
        !          16091:                -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          16092: %
        !          16093: You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
        !          16094: %
        !          16095: You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
        !          16096: %
        !          16097: You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
        !          16098: is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
        !          16099:                -- Sydney Harris
        !          16100: %
        !          16101: You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
        !          16102: him.
        !          16103:                -- Ed Howe
        !          16104: %
        !          16105: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
        !          16106:                -- Alfred Kahn
        !          16107: %
        !          16108: You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
        !          16109: success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
        !          16110: or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
        !          16111: party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
        !          16112:                -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
        !          16113: %
        !          16114: You might have mail
        !          16115: %
        !          16116: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
        !          16117: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
        !          16118: %
        !          16119: You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
        !          16120: be dead.
        !          16121: %
        !          16122: You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
        !          16123: reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
        !          16124: the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
        !          16125: independence.
        !          16126:                -- Charles A. Beard
        !          16127: %
        !          16128: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
        !          16129: beach.
        !          16130: %
        !          16131: You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were
        !          16132: you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
        !          16133: yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
        !          16134: company.
        !          16135:                -- J. Wellington Wells
        !          16136: %
        !          16137: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
        !          16138: %
        !          16139: You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
        !          16140: know how seldom they do.
        !          16141:                -- Olin Miller.
        !          16142: %
        !          16143: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
        !          16144: if they are dead.
        !          16145: %
        !          16146: You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
        !          16147: about 10^12 to 1.
        !          16148:                -- Ernest Rutherford
        !          16149: %
        !          16150: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
        !          16151: freedom and liberty.
        !          16152:                -- Henrik Ibson
        !          16153: %
        !          16154: You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
        !          16155: contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
        !          16156: houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
        !          16157: scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
        !          16158: summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
        !          16159: you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
        !          16160: sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
        !          16161:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          16162: %
        !          16163: You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
        !          16164: another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
        !          16165: another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
        !          16166: such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
        !          16167: many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
        !          16168: If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you
        !          16169: should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
        !          16170: for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
        !          16171: because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
        !          16172: chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
        !          16173: 
        !          16174: In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
        !          16175: hemorrhoids.
        !          16176:                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
        !          16177: %
        !          16178: "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
        !          16179: plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
        !          16180:                -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
        !          16181: %
        !          16182: You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
        !          16183: %
        !          16184:        YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
        !          16185:                      PAPER SHUFFLING!
        !          16186: 
        !          16187: Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
        !          16188: a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
        !          16189: really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
        !          16190: 
        !          16191: Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
        !          16192: to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
        !          16193: make really big Zorkmids."
        !          16194: 
        !          16195: MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
        !          16196: you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
        !          16197: 
        !          16198:                SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
        !          16199: %
        !          16200: You too can wear a nose mitten.
        !          16201: %
        !          16202: You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
        !          16203: %
        !          16204: You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
        !          16205: a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
        !          16206: %
        !          16207: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
        !          16208: %
        !          16209: You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
        !          16210: %
        !          16211: You will feel hungry again in another hour.
        !          16212: %
        !          16213: You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
        !          16214: mayonnaise salesman.
        !          16215: %
        !          16216:        You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
        !          16217: Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
        !          16218: parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
        !          16219:                -- Sherlock Holmes
        !          16220: %
        !          16221: You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
        !          16222: %
        !          16223: You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to
        !          16224: worry.
        !          16225: %
        !          16226: You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
        !          16227: taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
        !          16228: minute and a huff.
        !          16229:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          16230: %
        !          16231: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
        !          16232: %
        !          16233: You're at the end of the road again.
        !          16234: %
        !          16235: You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
        !          16236: %
        !          16237: You're never too old to become younger.
        !          16238:                -- Mae West
        !          16239: %
        !          16240: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
        !          16241:                -- Dean Martin
        !          16242: %
        !          16243: You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
        !          16244: %
        !          16245: You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
        !          16246: %
        !          16247: "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
        !          16248:                -- Gary Giddens
        !          16249: %
        !          16250: "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
        !          16251: 
        !          16252: "TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
        !          16253: %
        !          16254: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
        !          16255: thing he tells you.
        !          16256: %
        !          16257: Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
        !          16258: from enjoying it.
        !          16259: %
        !          16260: Your fault: core dumped
        !          16261: %
        !          16262:        Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
        !          16263: bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
        !          16264: chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home
        !          16265: electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
        !          16266: breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
        !          16267: until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
        !          16268: damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
        !          16269: your fuses regularly.
        !          16270:        Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This
        !          16271: sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
        !          16272: often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
        !          16273: you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not
        !          16274: sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
        !          16275: fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed
        !          16276: electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
        !          16277: such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
        !          16278: table, etc.
        !          16279:                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
        !          16280: %
        !          16281: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
        !          16282: %
        !          16283: Your lucky color has faded.
        !          16284: %
        !          16285: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
        !          16286: %
        !          16287: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
        !          16288: %
        !          16289: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
        !          16290: %
        !          16291: "Yow!  Am I having fun yet?"
        !          16292:                -- Zippy the Pinhead
        !          16293: %
        !          16294: YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
        !          16295: %
        !          16296: Zero Defects, n.:
        !          16297:        The result of shutting down a production line.
        !          16298: %
        !          16299: Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
        !          16300: since I first called my brother's father dad.
        !          16301:                -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
        !          16302: %
        !          16303: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        !          16304:        People are always available for work in the past tense.