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1.1 root 1: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
2: %
3: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
4: %
5: (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
6: (2) Great generals are forewarned.
7: (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
8: (4) Four is an even number.
9: (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
10: (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
11:
12: Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
13: %
14: (1) Everything depends.
15: (2) Nothing is always.
16: (3) Everything is sometimes.
17: %
18: 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
19: the law!
20: %
21: 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
22: %
23: 100 buckets of bits on the bus
24: 100 buckets of bits
25: Take one down, short it to ground
26: FF buckets of bits on the bus
27:
28: FF buckets of bits on the bus
29: FF buckets of bits
30: Take one down, short it to ground
31: FE buckets of bits on the bus
32:
33: ad infinitum...
34: %
35: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
36: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
37: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
38: %
39: 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
40: (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
41: (2) Dead cat brush
42: (3) Hair barrettes
43: (4) Cleats
44: (5) Self-piercing earrings
45: (6) Fungus trellis
46: (7) False eyelashes
47: (8) Prosthetic dog claws
48: .
49: .
50: .
51: (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
52: (100) Killer velcro
53: (101) Currency
54: %
55: 186,282 miles per second:
56:
57: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
58: %
59: 2180, U.S. History question:
60: What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
61: office did he later hold?
62: %
63: $3,000,000
64: %
65: "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
66: simulation!"
67: %
68: 43rd Law of Computing:
69: Anything that can go wr
70: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
71: %
72: 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
73:
74: ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
75: --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
76: ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
77: ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
78: ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
79: --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
80:
81: Nine in the second place means:
82: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
83:
84: Six in the third place means:
85: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
86: Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
87: %
88: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
89: The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
90: Redwood Forest.
91: %
92: 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
93: The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
94: Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
95: %
96: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
97: 99 blocks of crud!
98: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
99: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100:
101: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
102: 100 blocks of crud!
103: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
104: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
105: %
106: A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
107: "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
108: -- Mahatma Ghandi
109: %
110: A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
111: Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
112: game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
113: traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
114: preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
115: -- Donald A. Metz
116: %
117: A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
118: placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
119: rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
120: from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
121: and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
122: ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
123: phenomena.
124: -- Donald A. Metz
125: %
126: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
127: responsibility at the other.
128: %
129: A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
130: -- Carl Sandburg
131: %
132: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
133: of a divorce.
134: -- Don Quinn
135: %
136: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
137: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
138: -- Mark Twain
139: %
140: A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
141: adds up to be real money.
142: -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
143: %
144: A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
145: %
146: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
147: %
148: A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
149: %
150: ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
151: have turned into a pile of dust.
152: %
153: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
154: enlightened him with ours.
155: %
156: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
157: as afterward.
158: %
159: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
160: poor to protect them from each other.
161: %
162: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
163: %
164: A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
165: mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
166: trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
167: -- Dave Barry
168: %
169: A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
170: %
171: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
172: Avoid him. He's a Commie.
173: %
174: A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
175: won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
176: -- Bill Vaughan
177: %
178: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
179: -- Herbert Prochnow
180: %
181: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
182: wants to read.
183: -- Mark Twain
184: %
185: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
186: %
187: A computer, to print out a fact,
188: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
189: But this output can be
190: No more than debris,
191: If the input was short of exact.
192: -- Gigo
193: %
194: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
195: %
196: A CONS is an object which cares.
197: -- Bernie Greenberg.
198: %
199: A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
200: is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
201: %
202: A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
203: -- Dyer
204: %
205: A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
206: damned things is ample.
207: -- Rebecca West
208: %
209: A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
210: -- Ben Franklin
211: %
212: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
213: And had an affair with a Saracen.
214: She was not oversexed,
215: Or jealous or vexed,
216: She just wanted to make a comparison.
217: %
218: A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
219: lantern.
220: -- Edgar A. Shoaff
221: %
222: A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
223: %
224: A day without sunshine is like night.
225: %
226: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
227: coat.
228: %
229: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
230: you will look forward to the trip.
231: %
232: A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
233: eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
234: test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
235: Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
236: the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
237: %
238: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
239: %
240: A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
241: about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
242: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
243: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
244: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
245: incredible surgical feat."
246: The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
247: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
248: that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
249: architect."
250: The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
251: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
252: %
253: A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
254: -- Ogden Nash
255: %
256: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
257: Plus three times the square root of four,
258: Divided by seven,
259: Plus five time eleven,
260: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
261: %
262: A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
263: Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
264: Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
265: with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
266: Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
267: pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
268: simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
269: Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
270: %
271: A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
272: subject.
273: -- Winston Churchill
274: %
275: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
276: %
277: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
278: superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
279: -- G. B. Shaw
280: %
281: A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
282: of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
283: elephant.
284: %
285: A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
286: -- D. Gries
287: %
288: "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
289: dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
290: -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
291: %
292: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
293: -- Adlai Stevenson
294: %
295: A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
296: he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
297: favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
298: facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
299: -- H. L. Mencken
300: %
301: A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
302: ducks.
303: -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
304: %
305: A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
306: A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
307: But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
308: -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
309: %
310: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
311: of).
312: %
313: A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
314: into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
315: hope of greening the landscape of idea.
316: -- John Ciardi
317: %
318: A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
319: rearranging their prejudices.
320: -- William James
321: %
322: A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
323: man a century.
324: %
325: A hypothetical paradox:
326: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
327: team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
328: Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
329: -- Tom Galloway
330: %
331: A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
332: C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
333: E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
334: G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
335: I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
336: K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
337: M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
338: O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
339: Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
340: S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
341: U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
342: W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
343: Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
344: -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
345: %
346: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
347: %
348: A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
349: who has the better lawyer.
350: -- Robert Frost
351: %
352: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
353: %
354: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
355: %
356: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
357: %
358: A lady with one of her ears applied
359: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
360: Two female gossips in converse free --
361: The subject engaging them was she.
362: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
363: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
364: As soon as no more of it she could hear
365: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
366: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
367: "To hear my character lied about!"
368: -- Gopete Sherany
369: %
370: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
371: not worth knowing.
372: %
373: A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
374: in than some that do.
375: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
376: %
377: A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
378: by being declared to work.
379: -- Anatol Holt
380: %
381: A Law of Computer Programming:
382: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
383: will find the programmers cannot write in English.
384: %
385: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
386: Into space that is quite economical.
387: But the good ones I've seen
388: So seldom are clean,
389: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
390: %
391: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
392: nothing.
393: %
394: A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
395: -- H. H. Munroe
396: %
397: A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
398: %
399: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
400: price.
401: %
402: A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
403: his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
404: exceptional ability in that particular field."
405: %
406: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
407: -- Steve Wright
408: %
409: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
410: believe everything positively stinks.
411: -- Lew Col
412: %
413: A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
414: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
415: "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
416: and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
417: "But the collar is up around my ears!"
418: "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
419: little more ... that's it."
420: "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
421: "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
422: go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
423: So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
424: street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
425: "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
426: "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
427: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
428: %
429: A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
430:
431: "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
432: sense of obligation."
433: -- Stephen Crane
434: %
435: A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
436: %
437: A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
438: novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
439: insignificant," said the master.
440:
441: "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
442:
443: "It is," came the reply.
444:
445: "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
446:
447: "It is even in a video game," said the master.
448:
449: "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
450:
451: The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
452: lesson is over for today," he said.
453: -- "The Tao of Programming"
454: %
455: A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
456: %
457: A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
458: on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
459: game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
460: pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
461: along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
462: heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
463: around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
464: direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
465: paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
466: colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
467: fall over gently onto their backs.
468: -- Audobon Society Magazine
469: %
470: A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
471: the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
472: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
473: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
474: "If what?" asked the composer.
475: "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
476: %
477: A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
478: on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
479: loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
480: do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
481: %
482: A new dramatist of the absurd
483: Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
484: I learn from my spies
485: He's about to devise
486: An unprintable three-letter word.
487: %
488: A new koan:
489:
490: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
491:
492: If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
493:
494: It is an ice cream koan.
495: %
496: A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
497: Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
498: has no excuse for further procrastination.
499: %
500: A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
501: insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
502: right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
503: %
504: A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
505: rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
506: %
507: A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
508: removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
509: doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
510: amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
511: limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
512: larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
513: power-down sequence.
514: An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
515: building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
516: bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
517: cool.
518: %
519: A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
520: off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
521: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
522: understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
523: and on. The machine worked.
524: %
525: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
526: %
527: A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
528: -- Gloria Steinem
529: %
530: A penny saved is ridiculous.
531: %
532: A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
533: %
534: A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
535: -- George Wald
536: %
537: A pig is a jolly companion,
538: Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
539: A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
540: Though mountains may topple and tilt.
541: When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
542: When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
543: Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
544: You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
545: You'll never go wrong with a pig!
546: -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
547: %
548: A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
549: by Mark Twain
550:
551: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
552: to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
553: be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
554: would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
555: might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
556: same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
557: "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
558: Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
559: with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
560: or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
561: Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
562: ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
563: ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
564: Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
565: hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
566: %
567: "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
568: -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
569: %
570: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
571:
572: And he answered:
573:
574: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
575:
576: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
577:
578: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
579: upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
580: to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
581:
582: And that is Fate? said the priest.
583:
584: Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
585:
586: That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
587: too.
588: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
589: %
590: A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
591: upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
592: "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
593: man".
594: As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
595: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
596: %
597: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
598: %
599: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
600: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
601: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
602: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
603: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
604: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
605: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
606: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
607: information in the first place."
608: -- IEEE Grid news magazine
609: %
610: A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
611: your wife will give you for free.
612: %
613: A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
614: too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
615: was intended for her preservation.
616: -- Colton
617: %
618: A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
619: "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
620: the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
621: to make a travesty of the game.
622: -- Donald A. Metz
623: %
624: "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
625: out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
626: -- Steel City News
627: %
628: "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
629: %
630: A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
631:
632: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
633: "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
634: bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
635: lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
636: breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
637: Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
638: the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
639: thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
640: proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
641: the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
642: Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
643: shall snuff it."
644: -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
645: %
646: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
647: that the system works.
648: %
649: A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
650: the real reason.
651: %
652: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
653: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
654: scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
655: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
656: dimensional objects ...
657: %
658: A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
659: not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
660: rosewater.
661: %
662: A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
663: contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
664: -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
665: %
666: A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
667: keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
668: that are worth committing.
669: -- Samuel Butler
670: %
671: A Severe Strain on the Credulity
672:
673: As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
674: parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
675: is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
676: considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
677: begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
678: starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
679: maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
680: Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
681: of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
682: re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
683: against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
684: knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
685: -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
686: %
687: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
688: -- Prof. Steiner
689: %
690: ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
691: was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
692: -- Mark Twain
693: %
694: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
695: -- O'Henry
696: %
697: A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
698: bad measures.
699: -- Daniel Webster
700: %
701: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
702: exam.
703: %
704: A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
705: Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
706: true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
707: Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
708: shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
709: %
710: A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
711: undreamed of by its author.
712: -- S. C. Johnson
713: %
714: A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
715: %
716: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
717: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
718: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
719: %
720: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
721: blowing first.
722: %
723: A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
724: triangle.
725: %
726: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
727: %
728: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
729: in students.
730: -- John Ciardi
731: %
732: "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
733: -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
734: %
735: A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
736: Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
737: She found a good way
738: To combine work and play:
739: She sells C shells by the seashore.
740: %
741: A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
742: replaces it with.
743: -- Tennessee Williams
744: %
745: A very intelligent turtle
746: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
747: The system, you see,
748: Ran as slow as did he,
749: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
750: %
751: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
752: getting nervous.
753: %
754: A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
755: people's attention.
756: %
757: "A witty saying proves nothing."
758: -- Voltaire
759: %
760: "A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
761: admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
762: remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
763: reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
764: is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
765: using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
766: matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
767: -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
768: %
769: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
770: in God.
771: %
772: A.A.A.A.A.:
773: An organization for drunks who drive
774: %
775: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
776: You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
777: %
778: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
779: %
780: "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
781: ends."
782: -- Herbert Hoover
783: %
784: Absence makes the heart go wander.
785: %
786: Absent, adj.:
787: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
788: slandered.
789: %
790: Absentee, n.:
791: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
792: himself from the sphere of exaction.
793: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
794: %
795: Abstainer, n.:
796: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
797: pleasure.
798: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
799: %
800: Absurdity, n.:
801: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
802: opinion.
803: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
804: %
805: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
806: because the stakes are so low.
807: -- Wallace Sayre
808: %
809: Accident, n.:
810: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
811: body is better.
812: %
813: Accidents cause History.
814:
815: If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
816: Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
817: have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
818: could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
819: the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
820: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
821: %
822: According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
823: shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
824: fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
825: of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
826: the returns."
827: %
828: According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
829: once a year.
830: %
831: According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
832: -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
833: %
834: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
835: totally worthless.
836: %
837: According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
838: dies.
839: %
840: "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
841: live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
842: in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
843: Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
844: -- David Letterman
845: %
846: Accordion, n.:
847: A bagpipe with pleats.
848: %
849: Accuracy, n.:
850: The vice of being right
851: %
852: ACHTUNG!!!
853:
854: Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
855: schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
856: spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
857: rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
858: vatch das blinkenlights!!!
859: %
860: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
861: %
862: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
863: %
864: Acquaintance, n.:
865: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
866: enough to lend to.
867: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
868: %
869: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
870: coughing."
871: %
872: Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
873: everyone glued in their seats!"
874: Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
875: it!"
876: %
877: Actor: So what do you do for a living?
878: Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
879: dishes for Chinese restaurants.
880: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
881: %
882: Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
883: %
884: ADA, n.:
885: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
886: Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
887: awareness."
888: %
889: Admiration, n.:
890: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
891: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
892: %
893: Adolescence, n.:
894: The stage between puberty and adultery.
895: %
896: "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
897: like you ..."
898: -- Gilda Radner
899: %
900: Adore, v.:
901: To venerate expectantly.
902: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
903: %
904: Adult, n.:
905: One old enough to know better.
906: %
907: Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
908: way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
909: -- Sinclair Lewis
910: %
911: Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
912: then at least be asceptic.
913: %
914: After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
915: names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
916: Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
917: many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
918: Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
919: different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
920: developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
921: attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
922: to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
923: skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
924: injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
925: hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
926: that it sinks like a stone.
927: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
928: %
929: After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
930: It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
931: more advanced than the lichen family.
932: -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
933: Do"
934: %
935: After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
936: %
937: "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
938: quotations."
939: -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
940: %
941: After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
942: for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
943: simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
944: -- P. J. O'Rourke
945: %
946: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
947: on the bench.
948: %
949: After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
950: Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
951: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
952: to be created."
953: "This is true," He replied.
954: "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
955: "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
956: right to make his laws?"
957: "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
958: make his own."
959: It was so granted.
960: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
961: %
962: "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
963: the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
964: cost to others, to win advancement."
965: -- Norman Thomas
966: %
967: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
968: %
969: After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
970: everything. Just in case.
971: %
972: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
973: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
974: removed.
975: %
976: Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
977: change.
978: %
979: Afternoon, n.:
980: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
981: morning.
982: %
983: Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
984: -- Dorothy Parker
985: %
986: Age, n.:
987: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
988: still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
989: to commit.
990: -- Ambrose Bierce
991: %
992: Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
993: %
994: Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
995: there's the rub.
996:
997: For all dreams are not equal,
998: some exit to nightmare
999: most end with the dreamer
1000:
1001: But at least one must be lived ... and died.
1002: %
1003: "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
1004: Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
1005: that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
1006: unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
1007: up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
1008: -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
1009: %
1010: Air is water with holes in it
1011: %
1012: Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
1013: -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
1014: %
1015: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
1016: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
1017: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
1018: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
1019: receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
1020: %
1021: Alden's Laws:
1022: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
1023: of pregnancy.
1024: (2) Always be backlit.
1025: (3) Sit down whenever possible.
1026: %
1027: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
1028: Aleph-null bottles of beer,
1029: You take one down, and pass it around,
1030: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
1031: %
1032: Alex Haley was adopted!
1033: %
1034: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
1035: for a dial tone.
1036: %
1037: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
1038: them keeps paying for it.
1039: -- Peggy Joyce
1040: %
1041: All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
1042: upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
1043: visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
1044: informing, stimulating and ennobling.
1045: -- H. L. Mencken
1046: %
1047: All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
1048: than others.
1049: -- Alan Truscott
1050: %
1051: All extremists should be taken out and shot.
1052: %
1053: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
1054: without thinking.
1055: %
1056: "All flesh is grass"
1057: -- Isiah
1058: Smoke a friend today.
1059: %
1060: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
1061: %
1062: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
1063: importance.
1064: %
1065: All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
1066: by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
1067: %
1068: All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
1069: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
1070: %
1071: All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
1072: Socrates.
1073: -- Woody Allen
1074: %
1075: "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
1076: sane."
1077: %
1078: "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
1079: specific."
1080: -- Jane Wagner
1081: %
1082: All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
1083: -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
1084: %
1085: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
1086: the United States.
1087: -- Vic Gold
1088: %
1089: All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
1090: %
1091: All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
1092: %
1093: All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
1094: every organism to live beyond its income.
1095: -- Samuel Butler
1096: %
1097: All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
1098: -- E. Rutherford
1099: %
1100: "All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
1101: hands."
1102: -- Saint Patrick
1103: %
1104: All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
1105: %
1106: All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
1107: too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
1108: subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
1109: can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
1110: Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
1111: decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
1112: if it rains?"
1113: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
1114: %
1115: "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
1116: -- Mark Twain
1117: %
1118: All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
1119: ridiculous ones.
1120: -- La Rochefoucauld
1121: %
1122: All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
1123: the government in less than a second.
1124: -- Jim Fiebig
1125: %
1126: All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
1127: -- Sean O'Casey
1128: %
1129: All the world's a VAX,
1130: And all the coders merely butchers;
1131: They have their exits and their entrails;
1132: And one int in his time plays many widths,
1133: His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
1134: Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
1135: And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
1136: And shining morning face, creeping like slug
1137: Unwillingly to school.
1138: -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
1139: %
1140: All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
1141: and all theoretical chemists know it.
1142: -- Richard P. Feynman
1143: %
1144: All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
1145: %
1146: All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
1147: fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
1148: %
1149: All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
1150: %
1151: All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
1152: infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
1153: which he was born.
1154: -- Francois Fenelon
1155: %
1156: Alliance, n.:
1157: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
1158: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
1159: separately plunder a third.
1160: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1161: %
1162: Alone, adj.:
1163: In bad company.
1164: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1165: %
1166: Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
1167: Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
1168: -- Dave Barry
1169: %
1170: Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
1171: %
1172: Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
1173: mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
1174: any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
1175: to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
1176: Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
1177: serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
1178: same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
1179: that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
1180: penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
1181: running the post office.
1182: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
1183: %
1184: Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
1185: reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
1186: day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
1187: interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
1188: pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
1189: and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
1190: Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
1191: material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
1192: management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
1193: the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
1194: Gamekeeping."
1195: -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
1196: %
1197: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
1198: back.
1199: %
1200: Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
1201: %
1202: "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
1203: that way."
1204: %
1205: Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
1206: %
1207: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
1208:
1209: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
1210: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
1211: %
1212: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
1213:
1214: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
1215: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
1216: %
1217: Ambidextrous, adj.:
1218: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
1219: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1220: %
1221: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
1222: -- Charlie McCarthy
1223: %
1224: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
1225: to decadence without touching civilization.
1226: -- John O'Hara
1227: %
1228: America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
1229: until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
1230: changed its name to "America".
1231: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1232: %
1233: American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
1234: employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
1235: employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
1236: between the men's room and the women's room without having little
1237: pictures on the doors.
1238: -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
1239: %
1240: "Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
1241: %
1242: An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
1243: people refuse to see it.
1244: -- James Michener, "Space"
1245: %
1246: An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
1247: is always polite to traffic cops.
1248: %
1249: "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
1250: New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
1251: not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
1252: -- David Letterman
1253: %
1254: An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
1255: %
1256: An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
1257: knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
1258: great restraint.
1259: As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
1260: embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
1261: to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
1262: and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
1263: that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
1264: This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
1265: When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
1266: confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
1267: and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
1268: are particular and not generalizable.
1269: The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
1270: all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
1271: one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1272: -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1273: %
1274: An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
1275: %
1276: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
1277: murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
1278: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
1279: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
1280: suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
1281: murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
1282: %
1283: An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
1284: really care to know.
1285: %
1286: An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
1287: %
1288: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
1289: %
1290: An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
1291: summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
1292: arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
1293: responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
1294: %
1295: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
1296: -- A. P. Herbert
1297: %
1298: An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
1299: wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
1300: advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
1301: Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
1302: incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
1303: excellence:
1304:
1305: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
1306: discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
1307: to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
1308: things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
1309: parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
1310: timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
1311: doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
1312: Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
1313: school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
1314: successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
1315: they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
1316: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1317: %
1318: An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
1319: %
1320: "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
1321: picturesque liar."
1322: -- Mark Twain
1323: %
1324: An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
1325: eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
1326: possible.
1327: -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
1328: %
1329: An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
1330: %
1331: An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1332: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1333: "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1334: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1335: an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1336: hour seems like a minute."
1337: The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1338: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1339: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1340: %
1341: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
1342: %
1343: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
1344: government at all.
1345: %
1346: And as we stand on the edge of darkness
1347: Let our chant fill the void
1348: That others may know
1349:
1350: In the land of the night
1351: The ship of the sun
1352: Is drawn by
1353: The grateful dead.
1354:
1355: -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
1356: %
1357: ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
1358: %
1359: And I heard Jeff exclaim,
1360: As they strolled out of sight,
1361: "Merry Christmas to all --
1362: You take credit cards, right?"
1363: -- "Outsiders" comic
1364: %
1365: ... And malt does more than Milton can
1366: To justify God's ways to man
1367: -- A. E. Housman
1368: %
1369: And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
1370: %
1371: "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
1372: your own."
1373: -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
1374: Preposterous Words
1375: %
1376: And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
1377: fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
1378: looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
1379: approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
1380: is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
1381: of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
1382: gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
1383: procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
1384: youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
1385: Orson Welles.
1386: -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
1387: %
1388: "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
1389: courtesy detail."
1390: %
1391: And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
1392: horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
1393: columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
1394: ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
1395: world.
1396: -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
1397: %
1398: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1399: asked the father of his little son.
1400: "Diet."
1401: %
1402: And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
1403: a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
1404: tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
1405: tragedy face to face, we have politics.
1406: -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
1407: Ground Cover"
1408: %
1409: Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
1410: Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
1411: -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
1412: %
1413: Angels we have heard on High
1414: Tell us to go out and Buy.
1415: -- Tom Lehrer
1416: %
1417: Ankh if you love Isis.
1418: %
1419: Anoint, v.:
1420: To grease a king or other great functionary already
1421: sufficiently slippery.
1422: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1423: %
1424: Another Glitch in the Call
1425: ------- ------ -- --- ----
1426: (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
1427:
1428: We don't need no indirection
1429: We don't need no flow control
1430: No data typing or declarations
1431: Did you leave the lists alone?
1432:
1433: Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
1434:
1435: Chorus:
1436: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
1437: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
1438: %
1439: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1440: %
1441: Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
1442: television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
1443: and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
1444: offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
1445: -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
1446: Do"
1447: %
1448: Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
1449:
1450: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
1451: (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
1452: (3) I don't know.
1453: (4) Who cares?
1454: (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
1455: Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
1456: (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
1457: book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
1458: bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
1459: Papyrus Books).
1460: %
1461: Anthony's Law of Force:
1462: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
1463: %
1464: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
1465: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
1466: corner of the workshop.
1467:
1468: Corollary:
1469: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
1470: your toes.
1471: %
1472: Antonym, n.:
1473: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
1474: %
1475: Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
1476: -- Charles McCabe
1477: %
1478: Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
1479: -- Charles McCabe
1480: %
1481: Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
1482: representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
1483: representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
1484: capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
1485: -- Richard Schickel
1486: %
1487: Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
1488: -- Aesop
1489: %
1490: Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
1491: this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
1492: whole week.
1493: %
1494: Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
1495: sell it.
1496: %
1497: Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
1498: -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
1499: my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
1500: the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
1501: undoubtedly true.
1502: -- Solomon Short
1503: %
1504: Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
1505: -- Sydney J. Harris
1506: %
1507: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
1508: object.
1509: %
1510: Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
1511: exactly the point of most pressure.
1512: -- Milt Barber
1513: %
1514: Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
1515: -- Rich Kulawiec
1516: %
1517: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
1518: demo.
1519: %
1520: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
1521: -- Arthur C. Clarke
1522: %
1523: Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
1524: something.
1525: %
1526: Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
1527: -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
1528: %
1529: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
1530: %
1531: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
1532: probably parked.
1533: %
1534: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
1535: %
1536: Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
1537: supposed to be doing at the moment.
1538: -- Robert Benchley
1539: %
1540: Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
1541: -- Publilius Syrus
1542: %
1543: Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
1544: none.
1545: %
1546: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
1547: is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
1548: make messes in the house.
1549: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1550: %
1551: Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
1552: -- Samuel Goldwyn
1553: %
1554: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
1555: -- W. C. Fields
1556: %
1557: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
1558: account be allowed to do the job.
1559: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1560: %
1561: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
1562: tried taking candy from a baby.
1563: -- Robin Hood
1564: %
1565: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
1566: %
1567: Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
1568: %
1569: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
1570: %
1571: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
1572: price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
1573: means the price went way up.
1574: %
1575: Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
1576: %
1577: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
1578: %
1579: "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
1580: %
1581: Aphorism, n.:
1582: A concise, clever statement.
1583: Afterism, n.:
1584: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
1585: -- James Alexander Thom
1586: %
1587: APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
1588: the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
1589: coding bums.
1590: %
1591: "APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
1592: can't read any of them."
1593: -- Roy Keir
1594: %
1595: Aquadextrous, adj.:
1596: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
1597: with your toes.
1598: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1599: %
1600: AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
1601: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
1602: You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
1603: be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
1604: mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
1605: %
1606: Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
1607: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
1608: general can be said."
1609: %
1610: ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
1611: FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
1612: %
1613: Are you a turtle?
1614: %
1615: Are you a turtle?
1616: %
1617: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
1618: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
1619: %
1620: ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
1621: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
1622: are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
1623: not very nice.
1624: %
1625: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
1626: shoes.
1627: -- Mickey Mouse
1628: %
1629: Armadillo:
1630: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
1631: %
1632: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1633: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
1634: (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
1635: (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
1636: first two laws.
1637: %
1638: Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
1639: measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
1640: imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
1641: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
1642: %
1643: Art is anything you can get away with.
1644: -- Marshall McLuhan.
1645: %
1646: Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
1647: -- Paul Gauguin
1648: %
1649: Arthur's Laws of Love:
1650: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
1651: remind them of someone else.
1652: (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
1653: delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
1654: yourself in person.
1655: %
1656: Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
1657: %
1658: As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
1659: interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
1660: perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
1661: "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
1662: -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
1663: %
1664: "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
1665: certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
1666: became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
1667: meet girls."
1668: -- Matt Cartmill
1669: %
1670: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
1671: certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
1672: -- Albert Einstein
1673: %
1674: As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
1675: -- Weisert
1676: %
1677: As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
1678: Feeling worse and worser,
1679: There I met a C.R.T.
1680: And it drop't me a cursor.
1681:
1682: C.R.T., C.R.T.,
1683: Phosphors light on you!
1684: If I had fifty hours a day
1685: I'd spend them all at you.
1686:
1687: -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
1688: %
1689: As I was passing Project MAC,
1690: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
1691: Every hack had seven bugs;
1692: Every bug had seven manifestations;
1693: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
1694: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
1695: How many losses at Project MAC?
1696: %
1697: As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
1698: industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
1699: speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
1700: myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
1701: real American talk like that.
1702: -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
1703: %
1704: As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
1705: %
1706: As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
1707: fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
1708: popular.
1709: -- Oscar Wilde
1710: %
1711: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
1712: %
1713: "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
1714: programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
1715: -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
1716: computer system.
1717: %
1718: As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
1719: wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
1720: to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
1721: that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
1722: finding mistakes in my own programs.
1723: -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
1724: %
1725: As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
1726: so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
1727: -- Woody Allen
1728: %
1729: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
1730: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
1731: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
1732: %
1733: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
1734: variable."
1735: %
1736: As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
1737: memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
1738: to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
1739: E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
1740: -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
1741: %
1742: As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
1743: interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
1744: Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
1745: out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
1746: Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
1747: organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
1748: birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
1749: see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
1750: stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
1751: with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
1752: talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
1753: highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
1754: -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
1755: Teen Should Know"
1756: %
1757: As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
1758: your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
1759: The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
1760: with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
1761: from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
1762: over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
1763: a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
1764: spider is suing you for damages.
1765: %
1766: As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
1767: %
1768: ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
1769: %
1770: Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
1771: one went to Harvard).
1772: -- Edgar R. Fiedler
1773: %
1774: Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
1775: %
1776: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
1777: Station-to-Station rate.
1778: %
1779: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
1780: bathtub, it tolls for thee.
1781: %
1782: Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
1783: for an answer.
1784: %
1785: "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
1786: woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
1787: she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
1788: -- David Letterman
1789: %
1790: Ass, n.:
1791: The masculine of "lass".
1792: %
1793: Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
1794: Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
1795: strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
1796: Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
1797: and dying broke.
1798: -- Stanley Walker
1799: %
1800: "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
1801: Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1802: under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
1803: %
1804: At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
1805: not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
1806: it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
1807: -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
1808: %
1809: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
1810: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
1811: -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
1812: %
1813: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
1814: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
1815: -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
1816: %
1817: ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
1818: -- J. B. White
1819: %
1820: "At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
1821: %
1822: At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
1823: thumb with a hammer.
1824: -- Marshall Lumsden
1825: %
1826: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
1827: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
1828: the computer.
1829: %
1830: Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
1831: or street lamp.
1832: %
1833: Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
1834: -- Winston Churchill
1835: %
1836: Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
1837: depths they were once able to plumb.
1838: -- Stanley Kaufman
1839: %
1840: Automobile, n.:
1841: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
1842: pedestrians.
1843: %
1844: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
1845: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
1846: %
1847: Avoid reality at all costs.
1848: %
1849: "Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
1850: we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
1851: -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
1852: %
1853: Bacchus, n.:
1854: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
1855: getting drunk.
1856: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1857: %
1858: Bagbiter:
1859: 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
1860: intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
1861: bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
1862: obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
1863: bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
1864: CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
1865: %
1866: Bagdikian's Observation:
1867: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
1868: newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
1869: ukelele.
1870: %
1871: Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
1872: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
1873: by governors.
1874: %
1875: Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
1876: %
1877: Banectomy, n.:
1878: The removal of bruises on a banana.
1879: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1880: %
1881: Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
1882: %
1883: Barach's Rule:
1884: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
1885: physician.
1886: %
1887: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
1888: floor -- especially in the dark.
1889: %
1890: Barometer, n.:
1891: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
1892: are having.
1893: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1894: %
1895: Barth's Distinction:
1896: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
1897: types, and those who don't.
1898: %
1899: Baruch's Observation:
1900: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
1901: %
1902: Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
1903: taxes.
1904: -- Will Rogers
1905: %
1906: Basic is a high level languish.
1907: APL is a high level anguish.
1908: %
1909: "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
1910: %
1911: Basic, n.:
1912: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
1913: that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
1914: %
1915: Bathquake, n.:
1916: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
1917: faucet is turned on to a certain point.
1918: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1919: %
1920: Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
1921: door.
1922: %
1923: BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
1924: %
1925: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
1926: get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
1927: face.
1928: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
1929: %
1930: Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
1931: %
1932: Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
1933: -- Mark Twain
1934: %
1935: Be different: conform.
1936: %
1937: Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
1938: get used to it.
1939: %
1940: Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
1941: %
1942: Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
1943: miss
1944: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1945: %
1946: Bees are very busy souls
1947: They have no time for birth controls
1948: And that is why in times like these
1949: There are so many Sons of Bees.
1950: %
1951: Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1952: took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1953: followers.
1954: One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1955: there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1956: "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1957: commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1958: Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1959: Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1960: Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1961: Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1962: Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1963: -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1964: %
1965: Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
1966: ego.
1967: %
1968: Begathon, n.:
1969: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
1970: you won't have to watch commercials.
1971: %
1972: Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
1973: away.
1974: %
1975: Beifeld's Principle:
1976: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
1977: receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
1978: already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
1979: looking and richer male friend.
1980: %
1981: "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
1982: %
1983: "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
1984: %
1985: Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
1986: %
1987: Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
1988: (1) Houses are for people to live in.
1989: (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
1990: (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
1991: %
1992: "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
1993: -- Time Bandits
1994: %
1995: Besides the device, the box should contain:
1996:
1997: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
1998:
1999: * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
2000: club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
2001:
2002: YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
2003: cable.
2004:
2005: IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
2006: spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
2007: that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
2008: without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
2009: why."
2010:
2011: WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2012: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
2013: %
2014: Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
2015: %
2016: better !pout !cry
2017: better watchout
2018: lpr why
2019: santa claus <north pole >town
2020:
2021: cat /etc/passwd >list
2022: ncheck list
2023: ncheck list
2024: cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
2025: cat list | grep nice >giftlist
2026: santa claus <north pole > town
2027:
2028: who | grep sleeping
2029: who | grep awake
2030: who | egrep 'bad|good'
2031: for (goodness sake) {
2032: be good
2033: }
2034: %
2035: Better dead than mellow.
2036: %
2037: Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
2038: Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
2039: Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
2040: great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
2041:
2042: It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
2043: Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
2044: equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
2045: destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
2046: both Parliament and Party.
2047:
2048: It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
2049: planets, this may be the first message received from us.
2050: -- The Realist, November, 1964.
2051: %
2052: "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
2053: tried it."
2054: -- Donald Knuth
2055: %
2056: Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
2057: %
2058: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
2059: %
2060: Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
2061: -- Leonard Brandwein
2062: %
2063: Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
2064: drip under pressure.
2065: %
2066: "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
2067: finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
2068: murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
2069: their ignorance the hard way."
2070: -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
2071: %
2072: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
2073: nothing of interest is easy.
2074: %
2075: Binary, adj.:
2076: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
2077: %
2078: "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
2079: thing as division."
2080: %
2081: Bipolar, adj.:
2082: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
2083: New York
2084: %
2085: Birth, n.:
2086: The first and direst of all disasters.
2087: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2088: %
2089: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
2090: %
2091: Bizoos, n.:
2092: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
2093: basketball.
2094: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2095: %
2096: ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
2097: %
2098: Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
2099: %
2100: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
2101: Wheels.
2102: %
2103: BLISS is ignorance
2104: %
2105: Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
2106: %
2107: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
2108: %
2109: Blore's Razor:
2110: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
2111: funnier.
2112: %
2113: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
2114: plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
2115: it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
2116: arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
2117: throwing up on them.
2118: %
2119: Boling's postulate:
2120: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
2121: %
2122: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
2123: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
2124: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
2125: %
2126: Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
2127: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
2128: %
2129: BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
2130: %
2131: Boob's Law:
2132: You always find something in the last place you look.
2133: %
2134: Bore, n.:
2135: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
2136: -- Walter Winchell
2137: %
2138: Bore, n.:
2139: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
2140: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2141: %
2142: Boren's Laws:
2143: (1) When in charge, ponder.
2144: (2) When in trouble, delegate.
2145: (3) When in doubt, mumble.
2146: %
2147: Boss, n.:
2148: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
2149: the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
2150: in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
2151: ornamental stud."
2152: %
2153: Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
2154: that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
2155: straightened out for a crowbar.
2156: -- O. W. Holmes
2157: %
2158: Boston, n.:
2159: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
2160: finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
2161: %
2162: "Boy, life takes a long time to live
2163: -- Steven Wright
2164: %
2165: Boy, n.:
2166: A noise with dirt on it.
2167: %
2168: Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
2169: when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
2170: -- James Thurber
2171: %
2172: Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
2173: -- Kin Hubbard
2174: %
2175: Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
2176: unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
2177: (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
2178: to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
2179: -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
2180: Style"
2181: %
2182: Bradley's Bromide:
2183: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
2184: committee -- that will do them in.
2185: %
2186: Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
2187: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
2188: easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
2189: handled this?"
2190: %
2191: Brain fried -- Core dumped
2192: %
2193: Brain, n.:
2194: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
2195: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2196: %
2197: Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
2198: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
2199: error in an opponent.
2200: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2201: %
2202: Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
2203: since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
2204: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2205: %
2206: Bride, n.:
2207: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
2208: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2209: %
2210: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
2211: revitalize the corner saloon.
2212: %
2213: British Israelites:
2214: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
2215: Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
2216: Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
2217: believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
2218: Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
2219: the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
2220: head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
2221: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2222: %
2223: Broad-mindedness, n.:
2224: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
2225: %
2226: Brontosaurus Principle:
2227: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
2228: in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
2229: this occurs, they are an endangered species.
2230: -- Thomas K. Connellan
2231: %
2232: Brook's Law:
2233: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
2234: %
2235: Brooke's Law:
2236: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
2237: discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
2238: beyond recognition.
2239: %
2240: Bubble Memory, n.:
2241: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
2242: intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
2243: %
2244: Bucy's Law:
2245: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
2246: %
2247: Bug, n.:
2248: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
2249: programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
2250: wrote the program.
2251:
2252: Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
2253: -- Ray Simard
2254: %
2255: Bugs, pl. n.:
2256: Small living things that small living boys throw on small
2257: living girls.
2258: %
2259: BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
2260: outfit."
2261: GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
2262: BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
2263: -- Jay Ward
2264: %
2265: Bumper sticker:
2266:
2267: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
2268: manufacture"
2269: %
2270: Bureaucrat, n.:
2271: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
2272: -- J. McCabe
2273: %
2274: Bureaucrat, n.:
2275: A politician who has tenure.
2276: %
2277: Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
2278: %
2279: Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
2280: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
2281: sawhorse.
2282: (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
2283: (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
2284: perfectly balanced.
2285: (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
2286: -- Robert Burns
2287: %
2288: ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
2289: those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
2290: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
2291: Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
2292: they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
2293: people go to the front of the bus."
2294: But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
2295: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
2296: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
2297: unto a snowball in Hell."
2298: -- "The Begatting of a President"
2299: %
2300: ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
2301: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
2302: and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
2303: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
2304: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
2305: on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
2306: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
2307: sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
2308: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
2309: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2310: %
2311: "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
2312: paws."
2313: %
2314: "But I don't like Spam!!!!"
2315: %
2316: ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
2317: intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
2318: we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
2319: that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
2320: of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
2321: example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
2322: makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
2323: whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
2324: finite or an infinite number.
2325: -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
2326: %
2327: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
2328: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
2329: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
2330: -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
2331: Compilers"
2332: %
2333: "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
2334: to the nearest gas station."
2335: %
2336: But scientists, who ought to know
2337: Assure us that it must be so.
2338: Oh, let us never, never doubt
2339: What nobody is sure about.
2340: -- Hilaire Belloc
2341: %
2342: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
2343: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
2344: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
2345: -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
2346: %
2347: But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
2348: was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
2349: education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
2350: 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
2351: American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
2352: invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
2353: invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
2354: adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
2355: electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
2356: electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
2357: part) sends it right back to the customer again.
2358:
2359: This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
2360: of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
2361: very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
2362: In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
2363: States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
2364: ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
2365: increases.
2366: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
2367: %
2368: "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
2369: place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
2370: Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
2371: kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
2372: poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
2373: explained yet about the bytes?"
2374: %
2375: ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
2376: -- Virginia Masters
2377: %
2378: "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
2379: computers?"
2380: %
2381: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
2382: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
2383: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
2384: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
2385: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
2386: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
2387: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
2388: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
2389: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
2390: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
2391: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
2392: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
2393: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
2394: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
2395: %
2396: By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
2397: completely overwhelm you.
2398: %
2399: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
2400: it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
2401: invent. (R. Emerson)"
2402: -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
2403: (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
2404: [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
2405: misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
2406: %
2407: "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
2408: to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
2409: -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
2410: %
2411: By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
2412: mean.
2413: -- Mark Twain
2414: %
2415: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
2416: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
2417: fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
2418: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
2419: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
2420: that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
2421: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
2422: they wanted to be.
2423: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2424: %
2425: C, n.:
2426: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
2427: like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
2428: anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
2429: today, or it isn't.
2430: -- Ray Simard
2431: %
2432: Cabbage, n.:
2433: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
2434: a man's head.
2435: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2436: %
2437: "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
2438: -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
2439: %
2440: Cahn's Axiom:
2441: When all else fails, read the instructions.
2442: %
2443: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
2444: -- Fred Allen
2445: %
2446: California, n.:
2447: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
2448: Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
2449: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
2450: -- Ed Moran
2451: %
2452: Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
2453: -- Indian proverb
2454: %
2455: "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
2456: Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
2457: %
2458: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
2459: -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
2460: %
2461: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
2462: Corner, Vermont."
2463: -- Clarence Darrow
2464: %
2465: Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
2466: points.
2467: -- M. M. Johnston
2468: %
2469: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
2470: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
2471:
2472: Supplement:
2473: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
2474: %
2475: Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
2476: for postage and 30 cents for storage.
2477: -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
2478: Post
2479: %
2480: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
2481: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
2482: A root or two, a torus and a node:
2483: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
2484: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2485: %
2486: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
2487: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
2488: problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
2489: off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
2490: recipients are Cancer people.
2491: %
2492: Canonical, adj.:
2493: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
2494: story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
2495: annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
2496: point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
2497: eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
2498: the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
2499: Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
2500: Stallman: "What did he say?"
2501: Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
2502: %
2503: CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
2504: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
2505: much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
2506: importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
2507: they take root and become trees.
2508: %
2509: Captain Penny's Law:
2510: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
2511: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
2512: %
2513: Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
2514: expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
2515: complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
2516: planning to reduce the time it takes.
2517: %
2518: Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
2519: trousers that don't match.
2520: %
2521: Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
2522: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
2523: dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
2524: putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
2525: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2526: %
2527: Cat, n.:
2528: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
2529: %
2530: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
2531: -- Mark Twain
2532: %
2533: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
2534: %
2535: CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
2536: %
2537: Cecil, you're my final hope
2538: Of finding out the true Straight Dope
2539: For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
2540: But none of my cats are at all like that.
2541: This unusual animal (so it is said)
2542: Is simultaneously alive and dead!
2543: What I don't understand is just why he
2544: Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
2545: My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
2546: In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
2547: If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
2548: And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
2549: But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
2550: Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
2551: -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
2552: of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
2553: %
2554: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
2555: %
2556: Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
2557: center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
2558: works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
2559: -- Kelvin Throop III
2560: %
2561: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
2562: how many?
2563: %
2564: Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
2565: Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
2566: Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
2567: out of it?
2568: Jaka: Ugh!
2569: Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
2570: -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
2571: %
2572: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
2573: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
2574: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
2575: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
2576: not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
2577: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
2578: others who have tried it.
2579: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2580: %
2581: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
2582: Did you ever try buying them without money?
2583: -- Ogden Nash
2584: %
2585: Chapter 1
2586:
2587: The story so far:
2588:
2589: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
2590: of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
2591: %
2592: Character Density, n.:
2593: The number of very weird people in the office.
2594: %
2595: Checkuary, n.:
2596: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
2597: ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
2598: checks.
2599: %
2600: Chef, n.:
2601: Any cook who swears in French.
2602: %
2603: Chemicals, n.:
2604: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
2605: %
2606: Chemistry is applied theology.
2607: -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
2608: %
2609: Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
2610: %
2611: Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
2612: Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
2613: headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
2614: -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
2615: %
2616: Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
2617: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
2618: for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
2619: cheerfully baste you.
2620: -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
2621: %
2622: Chicago, n.:
2623: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
2624: %
2625: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
2626: %
2627: Chicken Little was right.
2628: %
2629: Chicken Soup, n.:
2630: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
2631: cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
2632: is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
2633: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2634: %
2635: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
2636: effort to teach them good manners.
2637: %
2638: Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
2639: going to catch you in next.
2640: -- Franklin P. Jones
2641: %
2642: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
2643: And that's what parents were created for.
2644: -- Ogden Nash
2645: %
2646: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
2647: word what you shouldn't have said.
2648: %
2649: Chism's Law of Completion:
2650: The amount of time required to complete a government project is
2651: precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
2652: %
2653: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
2654: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
2655: %
2656: Chivalry, Schmivalry!
2657: Roger the thief has a
2658: method he uses for
2659: sneaky attacks:
2660: Folks who are reading are
2661: Characteristically
2662: Always Forgetting to
2663: Guard their own bac ...
2664: %
2665: Christ:
2666: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
2667: %
2668: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
2669: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
2670: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
2671: %
2672: Cigarette, n.:
2673: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
2674: between.
2675: %
2676: Cinemuck, n.:
2677: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
2678: covers the floors of movie theaters.
2679: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2680: %
2681: Clairvoyant, n.:
2682: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
2683: which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
2684: -- Ambrose Bierce
2685: %
2686: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
2687: shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
2688: -- Phyllis Diller
2689: %
2690: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
2691: %
2692: Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
2693: %
2694: "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
2695: %
2696: Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
2697: %
2698: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
2699: society.
2700: -- Mark Twain
2701: %
2702: COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
2703: %
2704: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
2705: %
2706: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
2707: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
2708: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2709: %
2710: "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
2711: -- Blair Houghton
2712: %
2713: Coincidence, n.:
2714: You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
2715: going on.
2716: %
2717: Coincidences are spiritual puns.
2718: -- G. K. Chesterton
2719: %
2720: Cold, adj.:
2721: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
2722: %
2723: Cold, adj.:
2724: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
2725: pockets.
2726: %
2727: Collaboration, n.:
2728: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
2729: other fellow can spell.
2730: %
2731: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
2732: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
2733: the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
2734: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
2735: loss to humanity.
2736: -- H. L. Mencken
2737: %
2738: Colvard's Logical Premises:
2739: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
2740: won't.
2741:
2742: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
2743: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
2744: attracted to.
2745:
2746: Grelb's Commentary
2747: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
2748: %
2749: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
2750: And every vector dreams of matrices.
2751: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
2752: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
2753: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2754: %
2755: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
2756: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
2757: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
2758: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
2759: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2760: %
2761: Command, n.:
2762: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
2763: such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
2764: %
2765: COMMENT
2766:
2767: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
2768: A medley of extemporanea;
2769: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
2770: And I am Marie of Roumania.
2771: -- Dorothy Parker
2772: %
2773: Commitment, n.:
2774: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
2775: The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
2776: %
2777: Committee Rules:
2778: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2779: (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
2780: stamps you as being wise.
2781: (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
2782: others.
2783: (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
2784: (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
2785: popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
2786: %
2787: Committee, n.:
2788: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
2789: decide that nothing can be done.
2790: -- Fred Allen
2791: %
2792: Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
2793: be appointed to do the work.
2794: %
2795: Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
2796: different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
2797: -- Clive James
2798: %
2799: Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
2800: -- Josh Billings
2801: %
2802: Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
2803: -- Albert Einstein
2804: %
2805: Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
2806: of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
2807: -- David Guaspari
2808: %
2809: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
2810: %
2811: Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
2812: theory.
2813: %
2814: Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
2815: %
2816: Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
2817: -- Pablo Picasso
2818: %
2819: Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
2820: the world that just don't add up.
2821: %
2822: Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
2823: than the estimate the job will cost.
2824: %
2825: Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
2826: -- LaRouchefoucauld
2827: %
2828: Concept, n.:
2829: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
2830: $25,000.
2831: %
2832: ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
2833: business, it probably would be gibberish.
2834: -- Thom McLeod
2835: %
2836: Condense soup, not books!
2837: %
2838: Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
2839: good for dandruff.
2840: -- Peter de Vries
2841: %
2842: Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
2843: situation.
2844: %
2845: Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
2846: would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
2847: you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
2848: maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
2849: OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
2850: UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
2851: IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
2852: WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
2853: SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
2854: RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
2855: RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
2856: FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
2857: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
2858: %
2859: Connector Conspiracy, n:
2860: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
2861: KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
2862: manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
2863: to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
2864: stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
2865: interface devices.
2866: %
2867: Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
2868: -- H. L. Mencken
2869: %
2870: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
2871: -- H. L. Mencken
2872: %
2873: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
2874: %
2875: Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
2876: wish you weren't.
2877: %
2878: "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
2879: -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
2880: %
2881: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
2882: give it back to them.
2883: %
2884: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
2885: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
2886: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2887: %
2888: "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
2889: technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
2890: %
2891: Conversation, n.:
2892: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
2893: is called the listener.
2894: %
2895: Conway's Law:
2896: In any organization there will always be one person who knows
2897: what is going on.
2898:
2899: This person must be fired.
2900: %
2901: Coronation, n.:
2902: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
2903: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
2904: bomb.
2905: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2906: %
2907: Corrupt, adj.:
2908: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
2909: %
2910: Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
2911: muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
2912: make of capitalism.
2913: -- Walter Lippmann
2914: %
2915: Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
2916: is to enforce the law and fight crime.
2917: -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
2918: %
2919: Court, n.:
2920: A place where they dispense with justice.
2921: -- Arthur Train
2922: %
2923: Coward, n.:
2924: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
2925: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2926: %
2927: Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
2928: nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
2929: -- Wernher von Braun
2930: %
2931: Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
2932: -- A. E. Newman
2933: %
2934: Critic, n.:
2935: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
2936: to please him.
2937: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2938: %
2939: Croll's Query:
2940: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
2941: %
2942: cursor address, n:
2943: "Hello, cursor!"
2944: -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
2945: %
2946: "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
2947: eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
2948: business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
2949: -- Johnny Hart
2950: %
2951: "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
2952: eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
2953: business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
2954: -- Johnny Hart
2955: %
2956: Cynic, n.:
2957: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
2958: as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
2959: out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
2960: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2961: %
2962: Cynic, n.:
2963: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
2964: eye.
2965: %
2966: Dare to be naive.
2967: -- R. Buckminster Fuller
2968: %
2969: Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
2970: %
2971: Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
2972: Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
2973: %
2974: Dawn, n.:
2975: The time when men of reason go to bed.
2976: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2977: %
2978: Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
2979: %
2980: %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
2981: VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
2982: %
2983: Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
2984: easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
2985: improve.
2986: %
2987: Dear Lord:
2988: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
2989: the other hand", again.
2990: %
2991: Dear Miss Manners:
2992: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
2993: elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
2994: courses, is all right. Which is correct?
2995:
2996: Gentle Reader:
2997: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
2998: economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
2999: principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
3000: than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
3001: believes that is.
3002: %
3003: Dear Miss Manners:
3004: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
3005: your face.
3006:
3007: Gentle Reader:
3008: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
3009: your face ...
3010: %
3011: Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
3012: of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
3013: will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
3014: commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
3015: "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
3016: table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
3017: says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
3018: "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
3019: complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
3020: if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
3021: dead bat?
3022:
3023: Answer: Yes.
3024: -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
3025: %
3026: Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
3027:
3028: Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
3029: signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
3030: word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
3031: ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
3032: creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
3033: quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
3034: DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
3035: -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
3036: %
3037: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
3038: %
3039: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
3040: -- R. Geis
3041: %
3042: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
3043: %
3044: "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
3045: %
3046: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
3047: %
3048: Death is only a state of mind.
3049:
3050: Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
3051: %
3052: Death to all fanatics!
3053: %
3054: Decision maker, n.:
3055: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
3056: before the music stopped.
3057: %
3058: Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
3059: overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
3060: language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
3061: judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
3062: addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
3063: -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
3064: Assoc.
3065: %
3066: Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
3067:
3068: Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
3069: Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
3070: Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
3071: Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
3072:
3073: Don't we know archaic barrel,
3074: Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
3075: Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
3076: Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
3077: -- Walt Kelly
3078: %
3079: "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
3080: marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
3081: theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
3082: those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
3083: blessed.
3084: -- Randy Davis
3085: %
3086: default, n.:
3087: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
3088: mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
3089: come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
3090: -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
3091: %
3092: #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
3093: #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
3094: - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
3095: - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
3096:
3097: -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
3098: %
3099: DELETE A FORTUNE!
3100:
3101: Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
3102: to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
3103: "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
3104: gets expunged.
3105: %
3106: Deliberation, n.:
3107: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
3108: buttered on.
3109: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3110: %
3111: "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
3112: %
3113: Demand the establishment of the government
3114: in its rightful home at Disneyland.
3115: %
3116: Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
3117: we deserve.
3118: -- George Bernard Shaw
3119: %
3120: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
3121: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
3122: -- Senator Soaper
3123: %
3124: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
3125: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
3126: -- G. B. Shaw
3127: %
3128: Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
3129: don't think.
3130: %
3131: Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
3132: Jackasses.
3133: -- H. L. Mencken
3134: %
3135: Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
3136: -- Jawaharlal Nehru
3137: %
3138: Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
3139: are right more than half of the time.
3140: -- E. B. White
3141: %
3142: Democracy, n.:
3143: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
3144: meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
3145: Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
3146: Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
3147: whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
3148: prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
3149: Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
3150: -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
3151: since withdrawn.
3152: %
3153: Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
3154: board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
3155: %
3156: Dentist, n.:
3157: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
3158: coins out of one's pockets.
3159: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3160: %
3161: Despising machines to a man,
3162: The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
3163: And ride out by night
3164: In a sheeting of white
3165: To lynch all the robots they can.
3166: -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
3167: %
3168: Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
3169: be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
3170: the table.
3171: -- The Anarchist Cookbook
3172: %
3173: DETERIORATA
3174:
3175: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
3176: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
3177: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
3178: Rotate your tires.
3179: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
3180: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
3181: Know what to kiss -- and when.
3182: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
3183: But that three do.
3184: Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
3185: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
3186: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
3187: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
3188:
3189: You are a fluke of the universe ...
3190: You have no right to be here.
3191: Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
3192: Is laughing behind your back.
3193: -- National Lampoon
3194: %
3195: DeVries's Dilemma:
3196: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
3197: hits the paper.
3198: %
3199: Did I say 2? I lied.
3200: %
3201: Did you know ...
3202:
3203: That no-one ever reads these things?
3204: %
3205: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
3206: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3207: %
3208: Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
3209: them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
3210: %
3211: Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
3212: that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
3213:
3214: "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
3215: squirrel."
3216:
3217: -- ihuxw!tommyo
3218: %
3219: Die, v.:
3220: To stop sinning suddenly.
3221: -- Elbert Hubbard
3222: %
3223: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
3224: conventional thing to happen to him."
3225: -- John Barrymore's dying words
3226: %
3227: Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
3228: %
3229: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
3230: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
3231: %
3232: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
3233: %
3234: Disc space -- the final frontier!
3235: %
3236: Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
3237: yours too."
3238: -- Dave Haynie
3239: %
3240: Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
3241: employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
3242: coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
3243: non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
3244: absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
3245: The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
3246: the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
3247: non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
3248: %
3249: Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
3250: %
3251: Distinctive, adj.:
3252: A different color or shape than our competitors.
3253: %
3254: Distress, n.:
3255: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
3256: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3257: %
3258: District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
3259: injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
3260: damage inflicted on the vehicle.
3261: %
3262: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
3263: %
3264: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
3265: %
3266: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
3267: %
3268: Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
3269: %
3270: Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
3271: anger.
3272: %
3273: "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
3274: with ketchup."
3275: %
3276: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
3277: Violators will be prosecuted.
3278: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
3279: %
3280: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
3281: %
3282: Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
3283: day as it comes.
3284: -- Donald Kaul
3285: %
3286: Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
3287: %
3288: Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
3289: %
3290: Do you have lysdexia?
3291: %
3292: Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
3293: the time to take the dirt out of them?
3294: %
3295: "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
3296: "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
3297: "I've never done anything illegal before."
3298: "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
3299: %
3300: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
3301: when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
3302: -- Dick Brandon
3303: %
3304: Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
3305: be good because the programmers hate it so much.
3306: %
3307: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
3308: %
3309: Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
3310: %
3311: Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
3312: -- Golda Meir
3313: %
3314: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
3315: %
3316: Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
3317: -- Joe Cointment
3318: %
3319: "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
3320: sincerely, extremely dangerously.
3321:
3322: They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
3323: They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
3324: used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
3325: finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
3326: fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
3327: They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
3328: They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
3329: They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
3330: what the hell, they caught him.
3331:
3332: -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
3333: Tick-Tock Man"
3334: %
3335: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
3336: %
3337: Don't feed the bats tonight.
3338: %
3339: Don't get even -- get odd!
3340: %
3341: Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
3342: misleading. Debug only code.
3343: -- Dave Storer
3344: %
3345: "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
3346: you nothing. It was here first."
3347: -- Mark Twain
3348: %
3349: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
3350: %
3351: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
3352: %
3353: Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
3354: %
3355: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
3356: %
3357: Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
3358: %
3359: Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
3360: distance.
3361: %
3362: Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
3363: %
3364: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
3365: %
3366: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
3367: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
3368: %
3369: "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
3370: -- Darryl F. Zanuck
3371: %
3372: Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
3373: Cheat.
3374: -- Ambrose Bierce
3375: %
3376: Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
3377: -- "Brazil"
3378: %
3379: Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
3380: -- Walt Kelly
3381: %
3382: Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
3383: %
3384: Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
3385: %
3386: "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
3387: get more wax!!"
3388: %
3389: Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
3390: avoiding you.
3391: -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
3392: %
3393: "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
3394: good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
3395: -- Howard Aiken
3396: %
3397: Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
3398: tomorrow in Australia.
3399: -- Charles Schultz
3400: %
3401: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
3402: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
3403: %
3404: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
3405: %
3406: Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
3407: pretty?
3408: W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
3409: bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
3410: sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
3411: Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
3412: W. C.: It's almost impossible.
3413: -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
3414: E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
3415: %
3416: Double Bucky
3417: (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
3418:
3419: Double bucky, you're the one!
3420: You make my keyboard lots of fun
3421: Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
3422: (Vo-vo-de-o!)
3423: Control and Meta side by side,
3424: Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
3425: Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
3426:
3427: Double bucky, left and right
3428: OR'd together, outta sight!
3429: Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
3430: Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
3431: Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
3432:
3433: -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
3434: %
3435: Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
3436: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
3437: fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
3438: belief in the tooth fairy.
3439: %
3440: Down with categorical imperative!
3441: %
3442: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
3443: %
3444: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
3445: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
3446: of your eyes.
3447: %
3448: Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
3449: %
3450: Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
3451: %
3452: Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
3453: route!
3454: %
3455: Ducharme's Axiom:
3456: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
3457: yourself as part of the problem.
3458: %
3459: Ducharme's Precept:
3460: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
3461: %
3462: Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
3463: it holds the universe together ...
3464: -- Carl Zwanzig
3465: %
3466: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
3467: has been discontinued.
3468: %
3469: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
3470: and captain of your soul.
3471: %
3472: Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
3473: discontinued.
3474: %
3475: During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
3476: were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
3477: red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
3478: "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
3479: "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
3480: shot at mine, over there."
3481: %
3482: During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
3483: times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
3484: %
3485: "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
3486: nothing whatever to do with it."
3487: -- W. Somerset Maugham
3488: %
3489: E Pluribus Unix
3490: %
3491: Eagleson's Law:
3492: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
3493: months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
3494: an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
3495: %
3496: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
3497: %
3498: /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
3499: %
3500: Earth is a beta site.
3501: %
3502: "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
3503: -- Jeff Berner
3504: %
3505: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
3506: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
3507: cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
3508: the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
3509: means the puzzle is solved.
3510: -- Steve Rubenstein
3511: %
3512: Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
3513: %
3514: "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
3515: %
3516: Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
3517: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
3518: %
3519: Economics, n.:
3520: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
3521: Galbraith ...
3522: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
3523: %
3524: Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
3525: would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
3526: hasn't.
3527: -- Robert Orben
3528: %
3529: Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
3530: percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
3531: -- Edgar R. Fiedler
3532: %
3533: Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
3534: -- Fred Allen
3535: %
3536: Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
3537: -- Irsin Edman
3538: %
3539: Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
3540: -- Bullwinkle Moose
3541: %
3542: Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
3543: -- Adlai Stevenson
3544: %
3545: Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
3546: people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
3547: comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
3548: the "nog" comes from.
3549:
3550: To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
3551: season, eggs...
3552: %
3553: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
3554: of being a damned fool.
3555: -- Bellamy Brooks
3556: %
3557: Egotist, n.:
3558: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
3559: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3560: %
3561: Ehrman's Commentary:
3562: (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
3563: (2) Who said things would get better?
3564: %
3565: Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
3566: -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
3567: %
3568: Eleanor Rigby
3569: Sits at the keyboard
3570: And waits for a line on the screen
3571: Lives in a dream
3572: Waits for a signal
3573: Finding some code
3574: That will make the machine do some more.
3575: What is it for?
3576:
3577: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
3578: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
3579: %
3580: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
3581: %
3582: Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
3583: called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
3584: have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
3585: most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
3586: time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
3587: have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
3588: although God alone knows why it would want to.
3589: The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
3590: direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
3591: have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
3592: direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
3593: harmful electron buildup in the wires.
3594: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3595: %
3596: Electrocution, n.:
3597: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
3598: %
3599: Elevators smell different to midgets
3600: %
3601: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
3602: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
3603: can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
3604: %
3605: Encyclopedia Salesmen:
3606: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
3607: and tell them your house is being burgled.
3608: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
3609: %
3610: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
3611: Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
3612: -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
3613: %
3614: Entropy isn't what it used to be.
3615: %
3616: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
3617: otherwise require harder thinking.
3618: -- Jerome Lettvin
3619: %
3620: Epperson's law:
3621: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
3622: something his wife can beat him at.
3623: %
3624: Equal bytes for women.
3625: %
3626: Error in operator: add beer
3627: %
3628: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
3629: Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
3630: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
3631: Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
3632: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
3633: %
3634: Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
3635: -- Woody Allen
3636: %
3637: Etymology, n.:
3638: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
3639: were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
3640: from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
3641: ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
3642: -- Mike Kellen
3643: %
3644: Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
3645: speak it to?
3646: -- Clarence Darrow
3647: %
3648: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
3649: there."
3650: -- Will Rogers
3651: %
3652: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
3653: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
3654: %
3655: Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
3656: States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
3657: day.
3658: %
3659: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
3660: just how busy they are.
3661: %
3662: Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
3663: exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
3664: All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
3665: spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
3666: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
3667: take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something?
3668: My wife is available. No. How about ..."
3669: -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
3670: %
3671: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
3672: %
3673: Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
3674: %
3675: Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
3676: woman and stop her.
3677: %
3678: "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
3679: idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
3680: sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
3681: of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
3682: highly-motivated, caustic twits."
3683: -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
3684: %
3685: Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
3686: signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
3687: fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
3688: spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
3689: genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
3690: of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
3691: humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
3692: -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
3693: %
3694: Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
3695:
3696: Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
3697: front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
3698: odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
3699: and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
3700: legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
3701: there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
3702: of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
3703: color"], that does not exist.
3704: %
3705: Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
3706: -- Frank Moore Colby
3707: %
3708: Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
3709: %
3710: Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
3711: -- Don Vonada
3712: %
3713: "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
3714: %
3715: Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
3716: -- Miguel de Cervantes
3717: %
3718: "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
3719: richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
3720: -- Robert Orben
3721: %
3722: Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
3723:
3724: It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
3725: %
3726: Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
3727: instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
3728: program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
3729: %
3730: Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
3731: another for which it wasn't.
3732: %
3733: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
3734: %
3735: Every solution breeds new problems.
3736: %
3737: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
3738: guarantee of eventual success.
3739: %
3740: "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
3741: %
3742: Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
3743: -- Beckett
3744: %
3745: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
3746: -- Dykstra
3747: %
3748: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
3749: %
3750: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
3751: taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
3752: %
3753: Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
3754: realize it.
3755: %
3756: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
3757: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
3758: scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
3759: wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
3760: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
3761: discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
3762: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
3763: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
3764: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
3765: different way ...
3766: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
3767: %
3768: Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
3769: %
3770: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
3771: no one we know belongs.
3772: %
3773: Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
3774: that a belch is more satisfying.
3775: -- Ingmar Bergman
3776: %
3777: Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
3778: %
3779: Everything you know is wrong!
3780: %
3781: Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
3782: obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
3783: solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
3784: There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
3785: straight lines.
3786: -- R. Buckminster Fuller
3787: %
3788: Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
3789: mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
3790: "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
3791: how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
3792: "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
3793: So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
3794: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3795: %
3796: Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
3797: %
3798: Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
3799: %
3800: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
3801: %
3802: Excellent time to become a missing person.
3803: %
3804: Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
3805: acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
3806: -- W. Somerset Maugham
3807: %
3808: Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
3809: %
3810: Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
3811: the work.
3812: -- John G. Pollard
3813: %
3814: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
3815: %
3816: Expense Accounts, n.:
3817: Corporate food stamps.
3818: %
3819: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
3820: -- Olivier
3821: %
3822: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
3823: when you make it again.
3824: -- F. P. Jones
3825: %
3826: Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
3827: the instruction afterward.
3828: %
3829: Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
3830: ones.
3831: %
3832: Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
3833: %
3834: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
3835: %
3836: Expert, n.:
3837: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
3838: %
3839: Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
3840:
3841: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
3842:
3843: To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
3844: cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
3845: corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
3846: address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
3847: to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
3848: left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
3849: below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
3850: computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
3851: SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
3852: (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
3853: Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
3854: disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
3855: this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
3856: completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
3857: %
3858: F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
3859: %
3860: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
3861: %
3862: f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
3863: %
3864: F: When into a room I plunge, I
3865: Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
3866: Then I linger, darkly brooding
3867: On the poison they're exuding.
3868: -- The Roguelet's ABC
3869: %
3870: Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
3871: %
3872: Fairy Tale, n.:
3873: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
3874: %
3875: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
3876: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
3877: %
3878: Faith, n:
3879: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
3880: untrue.
3881: %
3882: Fakir, n:
3883: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
3884: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
3885: have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
3886: %
3887: Familiarity breeds attempt
3888: %
3889: Families, when a child is born
3890: Want it to be intelligent.
3891: I, through intelligence,
3892: Having wrecked my whole life,
3893: Only hope the baby will prove
3894: Ignorant and stupid.
3895: Then he will crown a tranquil life
3896: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
3897: -- Su Tung-p'o
3898: %
3899: Famous last words:
3900: %
3901: Famous last words:
3902: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
3903: (2) "You and what army?"
3904: (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
3905: a cop."
3906: %
3907: Famous last words:
3908: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
3909: (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3910: (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
3911: (4) We won't need reservations.
3912: (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
3913: (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
3914: (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
3915: %
3916: Famous, adj.:
3917: Conspicuously miserable.
3918: -- Ambrose Bierce
3919: %
3920: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
3921: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
3922: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
3923: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
3924: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
3925: are a pretty neat idea ...
3926: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3927: %
3928: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
3929: every six months.
3930: -- Oscar Wilde
3931: %
3932: Fats Loves Madelyn
3933: %
3934: Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
3935: %
3936: Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
3937: neither will you.
3938: %
3939: Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
3940: other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
3941: the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
3942: d'oeuvres.
3943: Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
3944: to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
3945: Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
3946: piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
3947: Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
3948: inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
3949: other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
3950: placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
3951: the little hammers strike.
3952: Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
3953: their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
3954: Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
3955:
3956: You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
3957: you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
3958: 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
3959: %
3960: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
3961: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
3962:
3963: Corollary:
3964: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
3965: live.
3966: %
3967: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
3968: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
3969: there is nothing important to do.
3970: %
3971: Fifty flippant frogs
3972: Walked by on flippered feet
3973: And with their slime they made the time
3974: Unnaturally fleet.
3975: %
3976: FIGHTING WORDS
3977:
3978: Say my love is easy had,
3979: Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
3980: Say I am too often sad --
3981: Still behold me at your side.
3982:
3983: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
3984: Say I woo and coddle care,
3985: Say the devil touched my tongue --
3986: Still you have my heart to wear.
3987:
3988: But say my verses do not scan,
3989: And I get me another man!
3990: -- Dorothy Parker
3991: %
3992: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
3993: Carolina.
3994: %
3995: Finagle's Creed:
3996: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
3997: %
3998: Finagle's First Law:
3999: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
4000: %
4001: Finagle's fourth Law:
4002: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
4003: it worse.
4004: %
4005: Finagle's Second Law:
4006: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
4007: someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
4008: happened according to his own pet theory.
4009: %
4010: Finagle's Third Law:
4011: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
4012: beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
4013:
4014: Corollaries:
4015: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
4016: (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
4017: don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
4018: %
4019: Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
4020: on a rock.
4021: -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
4022: %
4023: Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
4024: %
4025: Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
4026: %
4027: Fine's Corollary:
4028: Functionality breeds Contempt.
4029: %
4030: Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
4031:
4032: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
4033:
4034: Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
4035:
4036: P.O. Box 35
4037: Baffled Greek, Michigan
4038: %
4039: First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
4040: Machines that piss people off get murdered.
4041: -- Pat Taber
4042: %
4043: First Law of Bicycling:
4044: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
4045: wind.
4046: %
4047: First Law of Procrastination:
4048: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
4049: for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
4050: the deadline).
4051: %
4052: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
4053: Celibacy is not hereditary.
4054: %
4055: First Rule of History:
4056: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
4057: other.
4058: %
4059: "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
4060: -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
4061: %
4062: First, a few words about tools.
4063:
4064: Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
4065: the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
4066: injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
4067: you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
4068: particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
4069: granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
4070: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4071: %
4072: Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
4073: -- Robert Firth
4074: %
4075: Flappity, floppity, flip
4076: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
4077: The strip revolved,
4078: The mouse dissolved
4079: In a chronodimensional skip.
4080: %
4081: FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
4082: the little hand is on the ....
4083: %
4084: Flon's Law:
4085: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
4086: the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
4087: %
4088: Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
4089: husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
4090: joules!"
4091:
4092: "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
4093: a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
4094:
4095: "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
4096: in my burette ... We must call a copper."
4097:
4098: Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
4099: said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
4100: of Lawrence Ium.
4101:
4102: "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
4103: dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
4104: catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
4105: activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
4106: -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
4107: %
4108: flowchart, n. & v.:
4109: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
4110: "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
4111: 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
4112: problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
4113: using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
4114: doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
4115: wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
4116: thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
4117: Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
4118: flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
4119: (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
4120: -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
4121: %
4122: Flugg's Law:
4123: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
4124: world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
4125: %
4126: Flying saucers on occasion
4127: Show themselves to human eyes.
4128: Aliens fume, put off invasion
4129: While they brand these tales as lies.
4130: %
4131: Fog Lamps, n.:
4132: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
4133: fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
4134: driver's brain is in a fog.
4135:
4136: See also "Idiot Lights".
4137: %
4138: Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
4139: -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
4140: %
4141: For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
4142: %
4143: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
4144: %
4145: For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
4146: cat.
4147: %
4148: "For an adequate time call 555-3321"
4149: %
4150: For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
4151: always old-fashioned.
4152: %
4153: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
4154: and wrong.
4155: -- H. L. Mencken
4156: %
4157: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
4158: -- R. Clopton
4159: %
4160: "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
4161: of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
4162:
4163: "Whose?"
4164:
4165: "MINE! HA-HA!"
4166: %
4167: For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
4168: %
4169: For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
4170: life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
4171: now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
4172: when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
4173: in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
4174: the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
4175: means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
4176: advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
4177: the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
4178: names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
4179: ("part of this complete breakfast").
4180: -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
4181: %
4182: For perfect happiness, remember two things:
4183: (1) Be content with what you've got.
4184: (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
4185: %
4186: For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
4187: "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
4188: -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
4189: the U.S.
4190: %
4191: For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
4192: %
4193: "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
4194: a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
4195: computers altogether?"
4196: -- Jehan Shuman
4197: %
4198: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
4199: like.
4200: -- Abraham Lincoln
4201: %
4202: "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
4203: phone calls taper off."
4204: -- Johnny Carson
4205: %
4206: For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
4207: I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
4208: But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
4209: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
4210: -- Justin Richardson.
4211: %
4212: For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
4213: %
4214: Forgetfulness, n.:
4215: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
4216: destitution of conscience.
4217: %
4218: Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
4219: %
4220: FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
4221:
4222: RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
4223: One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
4224: arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
4225: hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
4226: %
4227: fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
4228:
4229: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
4230: "Hey you, get off my plate"
4231: -- Roger Midnight
4232: %
4233: Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
4234: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
4235: %
4236: Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
4237:
4238: Don't Write On Walls!
4239:
4240: (and underneath)
4241:
4242: You want I should type?
4243: %
4244: Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
4245: No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
4246: State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
4247: with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
4248: weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
4249: apply to female horses.
4250: %
4251: Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
4252: Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
4253: impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
4254: clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
4255: exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
4256:
4257: DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
4258: having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
4259: HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
4260: DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
4261: is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
4262: large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
4263: amounts of fertilization ...
4264: HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
4265: teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
4266: %
4267: Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
4268:
4269: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
4270: %
4271: FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
4272:
4273: Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
4274: liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
4275: light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
4276: drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
4277: %
4278: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
4279:
4280: Q: Are you married?
4281: A: No, I'm divorced.
4282: Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
4283: A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
4284: %
4285: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
4286:
4287: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
4288: A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
4289: %
4290: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
4291:
4292: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
4293: information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
4294: any ...
4295: %
4296: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
4297:
4298: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
4299: A: I will be three months November 8th.
4300: Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
4301: A: Yes.
4302: Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
4303: %
4304: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
4305:
4306: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
4307: A: No.
4308: Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
4309: A: Picking them up in the air.
4310: Q: Where was the dog at this time?
4311: A: Attached to the ears.
4312: %
4313: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
4314:
4315: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
4316: able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
4317: go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
4318: him to the station?
4319: MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
4320: %
4321: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
4322:
4323: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
4324: A: By death.
4325: Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
4326: %
4327: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
4328:
4329: Q: What is your name?
4330: A: Ernestine McDowell.
4331: Q: And what is your marital status?
4332: A: Fair.
4333: %
4334: Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
4335:
4336: Q: What happened then?
4337: A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
4338: me."
4339: Q: Did he kill you?
4340: A: No.
4341: %
4342: fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
4343: %
4344: Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
4345: sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
4346:
4347: Oh, and have a nice day!
4348: -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
4349: %
4350: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
4351: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
4352: instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
4353:
4354: Corollary:
4355: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
4356: except study for that instructor's course.
4357: %
4358: Fourth Law of Revision:
4359: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
4360: interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
4361: %
4362: Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
4363: almost one, it is damn near zero.
4364: -- David Ellis
4365: %
4366: Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
4367: policeman's tie.
4368: %
4369: Fresco's Discovery:
4370: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
4371: %
4372: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
4373: Let me clue you in;
4374: I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
4375: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
4376: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
4377: Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
4378: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
4379: And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
4380: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
4381: So are they all, all cool cats, --
4382: Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
4383: %
4384: Frisbeetarianism, n.:
4385: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
4386: gets stuck.
4387: %
4388: Frobnicate, v.:
4389: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
4390: Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
4391: frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
4392: sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
4393: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
4394: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
4395: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
4396: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
4397: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
4398: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
4399: %
4400: Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
4401: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
4402: electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
4403: FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
4404: FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
4405: FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
4406: via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
4407: applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
4408: %
4409: [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
4410: Association, in Rome]:
4411:
4412: The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
4413: and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
4414: spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
4415: or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
4416: millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
4417: reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
4418: engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
4419: president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
4420: schizophrenia in mass genocide.
4421: %
4422: From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
4423:
4424: Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
4425: the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
4426: Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
4427: candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
4428: nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
4429: other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
4430: qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
4431: being nuts (unground)."
4432: %
4433: From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
4434: convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
4435: -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
4436: %
4437: [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
4438: in Japan]:
4439:
4440: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
4441: MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
4442: featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
4443: against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
4444: "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
4445: Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
4446: operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
4447:
4448: And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
4449: achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
4450: HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
4451: %
4452: From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
4453: instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
4454: experience in sound:
4455:
4456: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
4457: sound is normal for this type of connector.
4458: %
4459: From too much love of living,
4460: From hope and fear set free,
4461: We thank with brief thanksgiving,
4462: Whatever gods may be,
4463: That no life lives forever,
4464: That dead men rise up never,
4465: That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
4466: -- Swinburne
4467: %
4468: Fuch's Warning:
4469: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
4470: enough to travel.
4471: %
4472: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
4473: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
4474: %
4475: Furbling, v.:
4476: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
4477: even when you are the only person in line.
4478: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4479: %
4480: Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
4481: -- H. H. Williams
4482: %
4483: Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
4484: %
4485: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
4486: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
4487: secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
4488: `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
4489: that's your chance, my boy."
4490: %
4491: Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
4492: %
4493: Garter, n.:
4494: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
4495: stockings and desolating the country.
4496: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4497: %
4498: Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
4499: on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
4500: -- Adventures of Asterix.
4501: %
4502: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
4503:
4504: Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
4505: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
4506: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
4507: Obvious, isn't it?
4508: Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
4509: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
4510: long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
4511: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
4512: so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
4513: individuals and then grow ...
4514: Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
4515: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
4516: everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
4517: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
4518: backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
4519: think not, my friend, I think not.
4520: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4521: %
4522: "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
4523: extracurricular activity except you."
4524: "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
4525: "Only to ten, Mudhead."
4526:
4527: -- Firesign Theater
4528: %
4529: "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
4530: %
4531: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
4532: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
4533: because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
4534: for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
4535: committing incest.
4536: %
4537: GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
4538: Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
4539: you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
4540: and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
4541: trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
4542: %
4543: Genderplex, n.:
4544: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
4545: determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
4546: tortoises).
4547: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4548: %
4549: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
4550: you should.
4551: %
4552: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
4553: handicapped.
4554: -- Elbert Hubbard
4555: %
4556: Genius, n.:
4557: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
4558: "bright".
4559: %
4560: George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
4561: -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
4562: %
4563: George Orwell was an optimist.
4564: %
4565: George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
4566: have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
4567: -- Ashley Cooper
4568: %
4569: Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
4570: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
4571: direction.
4572: (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
4573: (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
4574: will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
4575: much as to make the task totally impossible.
4576: %
4577: Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
4578: %
4579: Get GUMMed
4580: --- ------
4581: The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
4582: 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
4583: the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
4584: each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
4585: chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
4586: nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
4587: days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
4588: seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
4589: friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
4590: Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
4591: "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
4592: Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
4593: all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
4594: could tell them.
4595: -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
4596: %
4597: Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
4598: %
4599: -- Gifts for Children --
4600:
4601: This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
4602: because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
4603: and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
4604: morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
4605: exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
4606: your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
4607: Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
4608: might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
4609: me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
4610: who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
4611: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
4612: %
4613: -- Gifts for Men --
4614:
4615: Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
4616: ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
4617: should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
4618: clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
4619: example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
4620: three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
4621: that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
4622: at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
4623: So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
4624: years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
4625: pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
4626:
4627: If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
4628: than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
4629: of tires.
4630: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
4631: %
4632: Gimmie That Old Time Religion
4633: We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
4634: Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
4635: I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
4636: And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
4637: (chorus) (chorus)
4638:
4639: In the church of Aphrodite,
4640: The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
4641: She's a mighty righteous sightie,
4642: And she's good enough for me!
4643: (chorus)
4644:
4645: CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
4646: Give me that old time religion,
4647: Give me that old time religion,
4648: 'Cause it's good enough for me!
4649: %
4650: Ginsberg's Theorem:
4651: (1) You can't win.
4652: (2) You can't break even.
4653: (3) You can't even quit the game.
4654:
4655: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
4656: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
4657: meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
4658: Theorem. To wit:
4659:
4660: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
4661: (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
4662: even.
4663: (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
4664: game.
4665: %
4666: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
4667: to stand, and I will drain the world.
4668: %
4669: "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
4670: -- Napolean
4671: %
4672: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
4673: %
4674: Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
4675: a new town.
4676: %
4677: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
4678: %
4679: "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
4680: around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
4681: -- Eric Clapton
4682: %
4683: Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
4684: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
4685: machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
4686: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
4687: %
4688: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
4689: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
4690: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
4691: useful work done.
4692: %
4693: Gnagloot, n.:
4694: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
4695: impress people.
4696: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4697: %
4698: Go 'way! You're bothering me!
4699: %
4700: Go climb a gravity well!
4701: %
4702: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
4703: be in owning a piece thereof.
4704: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
4705: %
4706: //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
4707: %
4708: God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
4709: days and then pulled an all-nighter.
4710: %
4711: God doesn't play dice.
4712: -- Albert Einstein
4713: %
4714: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
4715:
4716: Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
4717: end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
4718: can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
4719: would he lie about a thing like that?
4720: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4721: %
4722: God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
4723: The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
4724: not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
4725: ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
4726: smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
4727: water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
4728: the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
4729: night!
4730: -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
4731: %
4732: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
4733: %
4734: God is a polythiest
4735: %
4736: God is Dead
4737: -- Nietzsche
4738: Nietzsche is Dead
4739: -- God
4740: Nietzsche is God
4741: -- The Dead
4742: %
4743: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
4744: %
4745: God is real, unless declared integer.
4746: %
4747: God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
4748: elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
4749: other things.
4750: -- Pablo Picasso
4751: %
4752: God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
4753: -- Alfred Jarry
4754: %
4755: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
4756: %
4757: God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
4758: %
4759: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
4760: -- Mark Twain
4761: %
4762: God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
4763: -- Kronecker
4764: %
4765: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
4766: %
4767: God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
4768: -- Albert Einstein
4769: %
4770: God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
4771: %
4772: God rest ye CS students now,
4773: Let nothing you dismay.
4774: The VAX is down and won't be up,
4775: Until the first of May.
4776: The program that was due this morn,
4777: Won't be postponed, they say.
4778:
4779: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
4780: Comfort and joy,
4781: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
4782:
4783: The bearings on the drum are gone,
4784: The disk is wobbling, too.
4785: We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
4786: Can't tell false from true.
4787: And now we find that we can't get
4788: At Berkeley's 4.2.
4789:
4790: (chorus)
4791: %
4792: Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
4793: school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
4794: person a car.
4795: %
4796: Gold, n.:
4797: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
4798: is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
4799: immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
4800: hasn't done anything to them.
4801: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4802: %
4803: Goldenstern's Rules:
4804: (1) Always hire a rich attorney
4805: (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
4806: %
4807: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
4808: example.
4809: -- La Rouchefoucauld
4810: %
4811: Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
4812: %
4813: Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
4814: %
4815: Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
4816: %
4817: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
4818: %
4819: Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
4820: %
4821: Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
4822: %
4823: Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
4824: %
4825: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
4826: new lover.
4827: %
4828: "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
4829: -- George Saunders' dying words
4830: %
4831: Gordon's first law:
4832: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
4833: well.
4834: %
4835: "Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
4836: travel, you never can tell."
4837: -- Dr. Who
4838: %
4839: Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
4840: time travel, you never can tell."
4841: -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
4842: %
4843: Got Mole problems?
4844: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
4845: %
4846: Goto, n.:
4847: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
4848: to complain about unstructured programmers.
4849: -- Ray Simard
4850: %
4851: Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
4852: -- John Updike, "Couples"
4853: %
4854: Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
4855: different lies.
4856: %
4857: Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
4858: any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
4859: doesn't know much.
4860: -- Will Rogers
4861: %
4862: Grabel's Law:
4863: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
4864: %
4865: Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
4866: %
4867: Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
4868: %
4869: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
4870: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
4871: %
4872: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
4873: %
4874: Gray's Law of Programming:
4875: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
4876: time as `_n' tasks.
4877:
4878: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
4879: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
4880: %
4881: Great minds run in great circles.
4882: %
4883: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
4884:
4885: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
4886: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
4887: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
4888: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
4889: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
4890: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
4891: stood lookout.
4892: %
4893: Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
4894: tickets.
4895: %
4896: Greener's Law:
4897: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
4898: %
4899: Grelb's Reminder:
4900: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
4901: average drivers.
4902: %
4903: "Grub first, then ethics."
4904: -- Bertolt Brecht
4905: %
4906: Gurmlish, n.:
4907: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
4908: prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
4909: mouth.
4910: -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
4911: %
4912: Gyroscope, n.:
4913: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
4914: free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
4915: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
4916: mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
4917: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
4918: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
4919: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
4920: -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
4921: %
4922: H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
4923: Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
4924: -- Maxwell Bodenheim
4925: %
4926: H. L. Mencken's Law:
4927: Those who can -- do.
4928: Those who can't -- teach.
4929:
4930: Martin's Extension:
4931: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
4932: %
4933: H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
4934: Slice him up before he slays you.
4935: Nothing makes you look a slob
4936: Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
4937: -- The Roguelet's ABC
4938: %
4939: Hacker's Law:
4940: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
4941: nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
4942: %
4943: Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
4944: %
4945: ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
4946: and you would not have been informed.
4947: %
4948: Hail to the sun god
4949: He sure is a fun god
4950: Ra! Ra! Ra!
4951: %
4952: Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
4953: enough majority in any town?
4954: -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
4955: %
4956: Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
4957: %
4958: Half-done:
4959: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
4960: crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
4961: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
4962: the difference between life and death.
4963: You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
4964: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
4965: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
4966: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
4967: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
4968: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
4969: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
4970: Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
4971: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4972: %
4973: Hall's Laws of Politics:
4974: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
4975: (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
4976: fixed.
4977: (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
4978: military spending, and conservatives social spending in
4979: their own districts).
4980: %
4981: Hand, n.:
4982: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
4983: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
4984: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4985: %
4986: Hanlon's Razor:
4987: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
4988: stupidity.
4989: %
4990: Hanson's Treatment of Time:
4991: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
4992: before Saturday.
4993: %
4994: Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
4995: -- Ogden Nash
4996: %
4997: Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
4998: -- Oscar Levant
4999: %
5000: Happiness, n.:
5001: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
5002: another.
5003: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5004: %
5005: Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
5006: %
5007: Hardware, n.:
5008: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
5009: %
5010: Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
5011: convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
5012: -- Tobias Smollet
5013: %
5014: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
5015: The Duke is fond of kittens
5016: He likes to take their insides out
5017: And use them for his mittens
5018: From "The Thirteen Clocks"
5019: %
5020: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
5021: Advertising wondrous things.
5022: -- Tom Lehrer
5023: %
5024: Harris's Lament:
5025: All the good ones are taken.
5026: %
5027: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
5028: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
5029: ruined.
5030: %
5031: Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
5032: makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
5033: famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
5034: probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
5035: have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
5036: enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
5037: attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
5038: down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
5039: just like Richard Nixon."
5040: -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
5041: %
5042: Hartley's First Law:
5043: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
5044: on his back, you've got something.
5045: %
5046: Hartley's Second Law:
5047: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
5048: %
5049: Harvard Law:
5050: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
5051: temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
5052: do as it damn well pleases.
5053: %
5054: "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
5055: "Yes, I don't have one."
5056: "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
5057: -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
5058: %
5059: Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
5060: typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
5061: keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
5062: of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
5063: not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
5064: %
5065: Has your family tried 'em?
5066:
5067: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
5068:
5069: Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
5070:
5071: They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
5072: strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
5073:
5074: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
5075:
5076: Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
5077: biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
5078: that indicate freshness.
5079: %
5080: Hatred, n.:
5081: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
5082: superiority.
5083: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5084: %
5085: Have an adequate day.
5086: %
5087: Have an adequate day.
5088: %
5089: Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
5090: to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
5091: non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
5092:
5093: Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
5094: still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
5095: only serves to blunt the warning signs.
5096:
5097: Long live the revolution!
5098: Have a nice day.
5099: %
5100: Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
5101: you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
5102: for play?
5103: %
5104: Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
5105: I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
5106: filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
5107: sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
5108: their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
5109: mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
5110: they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
5111: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5112: %
5113: "Have you lived here all your life?"
5114: "Oh, twice that long."
5115: %
5116: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
5117: crack in your sidewalk?
5118: %
5119: Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
5120: sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
5121: -- Dr. Who
5122: %
5123: Have you reconsidered a computer career?
5124: %
5125: "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
5126: effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
5127: perversion."
5128: -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
5129: %
5130: "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
5131: %
5132: He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
5133: perfectly delightful.
5134: -- Sydney Smith
5135: %
5136: He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
5137: heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
5138: of ever behaving "normally."
5139: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
5140: %
5141: He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
5142: -- Oscar Wilde
5143: %
5144: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
5145: -- Mark Twain
5146: %
5147: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
5148: %
5149: He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
5150: -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
5151: %
5152: He thought he saw an albatross
5153: That fluttered 'round the lamp.
5154: He looked again and saw it was
5155: A penny postage stamp.
5156: "You'd best be getting home," he said,
5157: "The nights are rather damp."
5158: %
5159: He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
5160: -- Jonathon Swift
5161: %
5162: "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
5163: insufferable."
5164: %
5165: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
5166: eyes ..."
5167: %
5168: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
5169: attacks democracy itself.
5170: -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
5171: %
5172: He who Laughs, Lasts.
5173: %
5174: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
5175: %
5176: He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
5177: there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
5178: %
5179: "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
5180: %
5181: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
5182: SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
5183: -- Walt Kelley
5184: %
5185: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5186: %
5187: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
5188: of nothing.
5189: -- Redd Foxx
5190: %
5191: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
5192: of nothing.
5193: -- Redd Foxx
5194: %
5195: Heaven, n.:
5196: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
5197: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
5198: expound your own.
5199: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5200: %
5201: Heavy, adj.:
5202: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
5203: %
5204: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
5205: %
5206: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
5207: -- Milton Friedman
5208: %
5209: Heller's Law:
5210: The first myth of management is that it exists.
5211:
5212: Johnson's Corollary:
5213: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
5214: organization.
5215: %
5216: "Hello," he lied.
5217: -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
5218: %
5219: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
5220: %
5221: Help fight continental drift.
5222: %
5223: Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
5224: %
5225: Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
5226: %
5227: Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
5228: %
5229: HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
5230: -- E. E. CUMMINGS
5231: %
5232: Her locks an ancient lady gave
5233: Her loving husband's life to save;
5234: And men -- they honored so the dame --
5235: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
5236:
5237: But to our modern married fair,
5238: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
5239: No stellar recognition's given.
5240: There are not stars enough in heaven.
5241: %
5242: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
5243: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
5244: %
5245: Here I sit, broken-hearted,
5246: All logged in, but work unstarted.
5247: First net.this and net.that,
5248: And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
5249:
5250: The boss comes by, and I play the game,
5251: Then I turn back to net.flame.
5252: Is there a cure (I need your views),
5253: For someone trapped in net.news?
5254:
5255: I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
5256: 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
5257: %
5258: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
5259: I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
5260: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
5261: I'm Salome, moon of the East.
5262:
5263: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
5264: Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
5265: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
5266: With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
5267:
5268: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
5269: At whose beckoning history shook.
5270: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
5271: So I stay at home with a book.
5272: -- Dorothy Parker
5273: %
5274: Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
5275: lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
5276: your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
5277: Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
5278: pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
5279: but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
5280: important electrical lesson.
5281:
5282: It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
5283: your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
5284: objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
5285: attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
5286: collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
5287: friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
5288: carpet, thus completing the circuit.
5289:
5290: Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
5291: touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
5292: finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
5293: have carpeting.
5294: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
5295: %
5296: Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
5297: month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
5298: are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
5299: The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
5300: (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
5301: tadpole".
5302: Bite the wax tadpole.
5303: There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
5304: The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
5305: hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
5306: bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
5307: but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
5308: -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
5309: %
5310: "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
5311: `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
5312: -- Jay Leno
5313: %
5314: Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
5315: then they'd be algorithms.
5316: %
5317: "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
5318: -- W. C. Fields
5319: %
5320: Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
5321: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
5322: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
5323: %
5324: "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
5325: As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
5326: equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
5327: Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
5328: probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
5329: course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
5330: experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
5331: of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
5332:
5333: "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
5334: motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
5335: -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
5336: %
5337: Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
5338: Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
5339: Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
5340: Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
5341: We buried him today because
5342: As far as we can tell, he's dead.
5343: -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
5344: Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
5345: "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
5346: Schickele
5347: %
5348: Higgeldy Piggeldy,
5349: Hamlet of Elsinore
5350: Ruffled the critics by
5351: Dropping this bomb:
5352: "Phooey on Freud and his
5353: Psychoanalysis --
5354: Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
5355: I just love Mom."
5356: %
5357: Hindsight is an exact science.
5358: %
5359: Hippogriff, n.:
5360: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
5361: The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
5362: The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
5363: is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
5364: of surprises.
5365: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5366: %
5367: Hire the morally handicapped.
5368: %
5369: "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
5370: money, he went to Southern California."
5371: %
5372: "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
5373: -- Foghorn Leghorn
5374: %
5375: "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
5376: %
5377: History is curious stuff
5378: You'd think by now we had enough
5379: Yet the fact remains I fear
5380: They make more of it every year.
5381: %
5382: History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
5383: %
5384: History, n.:
5385: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
5386: learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
5387: what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
5388: view.
5389: -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
5390: %
5391: Hlade's Law:
5392: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
5393: will find an easier way to do it.
5394: %
5395: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
5396: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
5397: out.
5398: %
5399: Hofstadter's Law:
5400: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
5401: Hofstadter's Law into account.
5402: %
5403: Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
5404: -- Rex Reed
5405: %
5406: Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
5407: willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
5408: for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
5409: "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
5410: centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
5411: trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
5412: because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
5413: object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
5414: Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
5415: broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
5416: a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
5417: inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
5418: same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
5419: an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
5420: these sometime around the middle of next week".
5421: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5422: %
5423: Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
5424: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
5425: -- Chris Shaw
5426: %
5427: "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
5428: %
5429: Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
5430: -- F. M. Hubbard
5431: %
5432: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
5433: %
5434: Honk if you love peace and quiet.
5435: %
5436: Honorable, adj.:
5437: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
5438: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
5439: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
5440: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5441: %
5442: Horngren's Observation:
5443: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
5444: %
5445: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
5446: people.
5447: -- W. C. Fields
5448: %
5449: Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
5450: %
5451: "Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
5452: -- Neil Armstrong
5453: %
5454: How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
5455: %
5456: How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
5457: %
5458: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
5459: %
5460: "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
5461: %
5462: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
5463: -- Elliot, "E.T."
5464: %
5465: How doth the little crocodile
5466: Improve his shining tail,
5467: And pour the waters of the Nile
5468: On every golden scale!
5469:
5470: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
5471: How neatly spreads his claws,
5472: And welcomes little fishes in,
5473: With gently smiling jaws!
5474: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
5475: %
5476: How doth the VAX's C compiler
5477: Improve its object code.
5478: And even as we speak does it
5479: Increase the system load.
5480:
5481: How patiently it seems to run
5482: And spit out error flags,
5483: While users, with frustration, all
5484: Tear their clothes to rags.
5485: %
5486: How doth the VAX's C-compiler
5487: Improve its object code.
5488: And even as we speak does it
5489: Increase the system load.
5490:
5491: How patiently it seems to run
5492: And spit out error flags,
5493: While users, with frustration, all
5494: Tear all their clothes to rags.
5495: %
5496: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
5497: on.
5498: %
5499: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5500: None: "We'll fix it in software."
5501:
5502: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5503: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
5504:
5505: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5506: None: "The user can work it out."
5507: %
5508: "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
5509: carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
5510:
5511: Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
5512: d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
5513: what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
5514: say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
5515: back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
5516: cheese!" and so on.
5517: -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
5518: %
5519: How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
5520: 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
5521: who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
5522: nanocentury.
5523: -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
5524: %
5525: How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
5526: Dayton?
5527: -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
5528: %
5529: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
5530: %
5531: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
5532: %
5533: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
5534: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
5535: %
5536: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
5537: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
5538: %
5539: HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
5540:
5541: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
5542: you.
5543: %
5544: Howe's Law:
5545: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
5546: %
5547: However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
5548: manner ... sulking and nausea.
5549: -- Tom K. Ryan
5550: %
5551: HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
5552: motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
5553: amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
5554: The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
5555: Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
5556: bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
5557: the bill. Agreed to.
5558: -- Albuquerque Journal
5559: %
5560: Hug O' War
5561:
5562: I will not play at tug o' war.
5563: I'd rather play at hug o' war,
5564: Where everyone hugs
5565: Instead of tugs,
5566: Where everyone giggles
5567: And rolls on the rug,
5568: Where everyone kisses,
5569: And everyone grins,
5570: And everyone cuddles,
5571: And everyone wins.
5572: -- Shel Silverstein
5573: %
5574: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
5575: %
5576: Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
5577: 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
5578: operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
5579: catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
5580: his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
5581: the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
5582: Nobel Prize.
5583: %
5584: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
5585: %
5586: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
5587: -- William Gilbert
5588: %
5589: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
5590: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
5591: to ..... to ........ uh ..............
5592: %
5593: I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
5594: professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
5595: other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
5596: -- Richard M. Nixon
5597:
5598: What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
5599: -- Richard M. Nixon
5600: %
5601: "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
5602: have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
5603: This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
5604: reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
5605: by some more."
5606: -- [email protected]
5607: %
5608: I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
5609: %
5610: "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
5611: -- Paul McCracken
5612: %
5613: "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
5614: -- Gloria Steinem
5615: %
5616: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
5617: -- Dennis Ritchie
5618: %
5619: "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
5620: -- English Professor
5621: %
5622: "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
5623: great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
5624: -- Winston Churchill
5625: %
5626: "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
5627: has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
5628: -- English Professor, Ohio University
5629: %
5630: I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
5631: with an option to buy.
5632: %
5633: "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
5634: %
5635: "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
5636: of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
5637: you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
5638: atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
5639: inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
5640: -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
5641: %
5642: "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
5643: the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
5644: you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
5645: -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
5646: University of Tennessee at Knoxville
5647: %
5648: "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
5649: argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
5650: steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
5651: they don't even invite me."
5652: -- Dave Barry
5653: %
5654: 'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
5655: -- G. K. Chesterton
5656: %
5657: "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
5658: -- Will Rogers
5659: %
5660: "I bet the human brain is a kludge."
5661: -- Marvin Minsky
5662: %
5663: I brake for chezlogs!
5664: %
5665: I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
5666: -- Biff Barf
5667: %
5668: I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
5669: prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
5670: bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
5671: relentless day.
5672: -- Betty MacDonald
5673: %
5674: I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
5675: %
5676: "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
5677: 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
5678: true."
5679: -- Harry Truman
5680: %
5681: "I can resist anything but temptation."
5682: %
5683: "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
5684: -- Joe Walsh
5685: %
5686: "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
5687: -- Florence Henderson
5688: %
5689: I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
5690: understand it.
5691: -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
5692: %
5693: I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
5694: novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
5695: -- Fred Allen
5696: %
5697: "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
5698: -- Lillian Hellman
5699: %
5700: I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
5701: of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
5702: -- F. H. Wales (1936)
5703: %
5704: I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
5705:
5706: What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
5707: grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
5708: of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
5709: United States would have lost World War II."
5710: -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
5711: %
5712: "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
5713: voice.
5714: "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
5715: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
5716: I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
5717: Elven-lore:
5718:
5719: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
5720: Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
5721: Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
5722: This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
5723: The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
5724: The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
5725: If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
5726: If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
5727: %
5728: " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5729: instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5730: standing still ..."
5731: -- Steven Wright
5732: %
5733: I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
5734: dance with the cows till you come home.
5735: -- Groucho Marx
5736: %
5737: "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
5738: the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
5739: -- Peter Oakley
5740: %
5741: "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
5742: %
5743: I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
5744: curtain was up.
5745: %
5746: I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
5747: we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
5748: leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
5749: in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
5750: time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
5751: library, we could call each other up:
5752:
5753: You: Hello? Bob?
5754: Bob: Yes?
5755: You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
5756: took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
5757: Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
5758: You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
5759: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
5760: I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
5761: and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
5762: the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
5763: have to get back to you.
5764: Bob: Fine.
5765: -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
5766: %
5767: I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
5768: exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
5769: minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
5770: accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
5771: mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
5772: bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
5773: different.
5774: -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
5775: %
5776: "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
5777: -- Isaac Asimov
5778: %
5779: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
5780: with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
5781: -- Galileo Galilei
5782: %
5783: "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
5784: -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
5785: %
5786: "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
5787: don't believe in astrology."
5788: -- James R. F. Quirk
5789: %
5790: I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
5791: a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
5792: numbers!!
5793: %
5794: I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
5795: a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
5796: -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
5797: %
5798: "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
5799: nominating"
5800: -- Boss Tweed
5801: %
5802: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
5803: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
5804: %
5805: "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
5806: people waiting to abuse me."
5807: -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
5808: %
5809: I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
5810: -- Elvis Presley
5811: %
5812: "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
5813: -- Elvis Presley
5814: %
5815: "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
5816: Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
5817: till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
5818: you!'"
5819: "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
5820: objected.
5821: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
5822: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
5823: less."
5824: "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
5825: so many different things."
5826: "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
5827: that's all."
5828: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
5829: %
5830: "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
5831: eat it, and I just hate it."
5832: -- Clarence Darrow
5833: %
5834: "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
5835: -- Ronald Mabbitt
5836: %
5837: I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
5838: streets and frighten the horses.
5839: -- Victor Hugo
5840: %
5841: "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
5842: %
5843: "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
5844: %
5845: "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
5846: hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
5847: %
5848: I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
5849: the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
5850: thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
5851: broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
5852: Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
5853: their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
5854: -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
5855: COMING!"
5856: %
5857: I doubt, therefore I might be.
5858: %
5859: "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
5860: on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
5861: he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
5862: becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
5863: -- George Bernard Shaw
5864: %
5865: "I drink to make other people interesting."
5866: -- George Jean Nathan
5867: %
5868: I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
5869: so I woke up from sheer boredom.
5870: %
5871: I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
5872: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
5873: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
5874: can't be measured in monetary terms.
5875:
5876: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
5877: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
5878: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
5879: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
5880: understand his long delay.
5881: %
5882: "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
5883: %
5884: "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
5885: reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
5886: -- Gotama Buddha
5887: %
5888: I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
5889: minutes of my life!
5890: %
5891: 'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
5892: -- Mae West
5893: %
5894: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
5895: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
5896: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
5897: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
5898: %
5899: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
5900: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
5901: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
5902: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
5903:
5904: Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
5905: My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
5906: But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
5907: And think of the places my get-up has been.
5908: -- Pete Seeger
5909: %
5910: "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
5911: Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
5912: -- Mary Lou Bax
5913: %
5914: "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
5915: %
5916: "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
5917: it's going to be up all night."
5918: -- Steven Wright
5919: %
5920: "I hate quotations."
5921: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
5922: %
5923: I have a simple philosophy:
5924:
5925: Fill what's empty.
5926: Empty what's full.
5927: Scratch where it itches.
5928: -- A. R. Longworth
5929: %
5930: "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
5931: any time!"
5932: %
5933: "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
5934: which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
5935: -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5936: %
5937: I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
5938: and they never believe me.
5939: -- Camillo Di Cavour
5940: %
5941: I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
5942: -- Edgar Allan Poe
5943: %
5944: "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
5945: sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
5946: eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
5947: have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
5948: beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
5949: guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
5950: of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
5951: -- President Harry S Truman
5952: %
5953: I have learned
5954: To spell hors d'oeuvres
5955: Which still grates on
5956: Some people's n'oeuvres.
5957: -- Warren Knox
5958: %
5959: "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
5960: that I have never made one."
5961: -- James Gordon Bennett
5962: %
5963: "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
5964: make it shorter."
5965: -- Blaise Pascal
5966: %
5967: I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
5968: ____BODY!
5969: -- from "Cerebus" #82
5970: %
5971: "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
5972: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
5973: %
5974: "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
5975: -- Oscar Wilde
5976: %
5977: "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
5978: scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
5979: -- Steven Wright
5980: %
5981: "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
5982: -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
5983: %
5984: "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
5985: his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
5986: beating up a child."
5987: -- Steven Wright
5988: %
5989: I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
5990: at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
5991: -- Poul Anderson
5992: %
5993: "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
5994: %
5995: "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
5996: %
5997: I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
5998: %
5999: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
6000: -- Bill Hoest
6001: %
6002: I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
6003: %
6004: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
6005: War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
6006: -- Albert Einstein
6007: %
6008: "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
6009: The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
6010: -- Charles Schulz
6011: %
6012: "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
6013: -- Art Leo
6014: %
6015: I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
6016: promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
6017: peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
6018: the way and let them have it.
6019: -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
6020: %
6021: "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
6022: %
6023: "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
6024: %
6025: "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
6026: entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
6027: -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
6028: %
6029: "I love to eat them Smurfies
6030: Smurfies what I love to eat
6031: Bite they ugly heads off,
6032: Nibble on they bluish feet."
6033: %
6034: "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
6035: don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
6036: speed of light."
6037: -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
6038: %
6039: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
6040: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
6041: %
6042: "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
6043: week sometimes to make it up."
6044: -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
6045: %
6046: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
6047: %
6048: "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
6049: was to go away."
6050: %
6051: "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
6052: %
6053: I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
6054: -- G. B. Shaw
6055: %
6056: "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
6057: -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
6058: %
6059: "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
6060: kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
6061: substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
6062: restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
6063: made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
6064: powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
6065: nerve disease."
6066: -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
6067: %
6068: I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
6069: %
6070: "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
6071: slob."
6072: -- William F. Buckley
6073: %
6074: "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
6075: that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
6076: more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
6077: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
6078: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
6079: otherwise.'"
6080: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
6081: %
6082: I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
6083: the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
6084: congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
6085: so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
6086: plumber.
6087:
6088: But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
6089: as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
6090: the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
6091: win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
6092: write about, such as nose-picking.
6093: -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
6094: Political Fallout"
6095: %
6096: I really hate this damned machine
6097: I wish that they would sell it.
6098: It never does quite what I want
6099: But only what I tell it.
6100: %
6101: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
6102: %
6103: I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
6104: they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
6105: -- Will Rogers
6106: %
6107: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
6108: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
6109: Bernoulli would have been content to die
6110: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
6111: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
6112: %
6113: I sent a letter to the fish,
6114: I told them, "This is what I wish."
6115: The little fishes of the sea,
6116: They sent an answer back to me.
6117: The little fishes' answer was
6118: "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
6119: I sent a letter back to say
6120: It would be better to obey.
6121: But someone came to me and said
6122: "The little fishes are in bed."
6123: I said to him, and I said it plain
6124: "Then you must wake them up again."
6125: I said it very loud and clear,
6126: I went and shouted in his ear.
6127: But he was very stiff and proud,
6128: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
6129: And he was very proud and stiff,
6130: He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
6131: I took a kettle from the shelf,
6132: I went to wake them up myself.
6133: But when I found the door was locked
6134: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
6135: And when I found the door was shut,
6136: I tried to turn the handle, But ...
6137:
6138: "Is that all?" asked Alice.
6139: "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
6140: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
6141: %
6142: "I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
6143: -- Graffito in Los Angeles
6144: %
6145: "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
6146: supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
6147: actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
6148: -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
6149: Points in l'Amour"
6150: %
6151: "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
6152: house and four people died."
6153: -- Steven Wright
6154: %
6155: "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
6156: see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
6157: -- Shirley Temple
6158: %
6159: I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
6160: too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
6161: direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
6162: much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
6163: tub to face is up.
6164: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
6165: %
6166: "I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
6167: because I couldn't remember the proof."
6168: -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
6169: %
6170: "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
6171: %
6172: I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
6173: and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
6174: country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
6175: in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
6176: not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
6177: -- Monty Python
6178: %
6179: I think that I shall never see
6180: A billboard lovely as a tree.
6181: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
6182: I'll never see a tree at all.
6183: -- Ogden Nash
6184: %
6185: I think that I shall never see
6186: A thing as lovely as a tree.
6187: But as you see the trees have gone
6188: They went this morning with the dawn.
6189: A logging firm from out of town
6190: Came and chopped the trees all down.
6191: But I will trick those dirty skunks
6192: And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
6193: %
6194: "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
6195: to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
6196: farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
6197: into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
6198: the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
6199: off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
6200: color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
6201: out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
6202: singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
6203: -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
6204: %
6205: I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
6206: ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
6207: we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
6208: When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
6209: are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
6210: driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
6211: Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
6212: were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
6213: conversation ...
6214: -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
6215: %
6216: "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
6217: "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
6218: %
6219: " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
6220: pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
6221: -- Winston Churchill
6222: %
6223: I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
6224: twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
6225: -- Woody Allen
6226: %
6227: I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
6228: %
6229: "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
6230: %
6231: "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
6232: %
6233: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
6234: body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
6235: -- Emo Phillips
6236: %
6237: I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
6238: near the place.
6239: -- Steven Wright
6240: %
6241: I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
6242: animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
6243: anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
6244: safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
6245: warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
6246: -- Brendan Behan
6247: %
6248: "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
6249: Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
6250: HAW"!!'"
6251: -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
6252: %
6253: I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
6254: anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
6255: a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
6256: up.
6257: -- Will Rogers
6258: %
6259: "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
6260: put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
6261: what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
6262: should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
6263: get off my driveway."
6264: -- Steven Wright
6265: %
6266: "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
6267: didn't know."
6268: -- Mark Twain
6269: %
6270: I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
6271: their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
6272: buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
6273: -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
6274: %
6275: "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
6276: house and four people died."
6277: -- Steven Wright
6278: %
6279: "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
6280: specific".
6281: -- Steven Wright
6282: %
6283: I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
6284: it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
6285: stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
6286: I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
6287: absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
6288: developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
6289: Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
6290: temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
6291: chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
6292: the point where it would not run at all.
6293: -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
6294: Holes and the Fate of Stars"
6295: %
6296: "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
6297: questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
6298: speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
6299:
6300: He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
6301: for him then.
6302: -- Steven Wright
6303: %
6304: "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
6305: the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
6306: included."
6307: -- Steven Wright
6308: %
6309: "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
6310: statues that are in all the other museums."
6311: -- Steven Wright
6312: %
6313: I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
6314: it took seven others to beat him!
6315: %
6316: "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
6317: There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
6318: -- Gallagher
6319: %
6320: "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
6321: always worked for me."
6322: -- Hunter S. Thompson
6323: %
6324: "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
6325: %
6326: "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
6327: to undo it."
6328: %
6329: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
6330: %
6331: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
6332: snore."
6333: %
6334: "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
6335: `Y.'"
6336: %
6337: "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
6338: blender."
6339: %
6340: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
6341: garage door."
6342: %
6343: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
6344: Julian to Gregorian."
6345: %
6346: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
6347: static cling."
6348: %
6349: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
6350: %
6351: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
6352: cottage cheese sculpture."
6353: %
6354: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
6355: %
6356: "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
6357: transplant."
6358: %
6359: "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
6360: %
6361: "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
6362: %
6363: "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
6364: came back."
6365: %
6366: "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
6367: tuned."
6368: %
6369: "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
6370: need worrying about."
6371: %
6372: "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
6373: %
6374: "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
6375: carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
6376: I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
6377: -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
6378: %
6379: I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
6380: listen to it!
6381: -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
6382: %
6383: I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
6384: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
6385: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
6386: And in our bound partition never part.
6387: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
6388: %
6389: "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
6390: That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
6391: -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
6392: %
6393: "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
6394: man."
6395: %
6396: I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
6397: %
6398: "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
6399: sister."
6400: %
6401: I'm changing my name to Chrysler
6402: I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
6403: I'll tell some power broker
6404: What they did for Iacocca
6405: Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
6406: I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
6407: I'm heading for that great receiving line.
6408: When they hand a million grand out,
6409: I'll be standing with my hand out,
6410: Yessir, I'll get mine!
6411: -- Tom Paxton
6412: %
6413: I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
6414: %
6415: "I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
6416: %
6417: "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
6418: die in."
6419: -- George McGovern
6420: %
6421: I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
6422: -- Fred Allen
6423: %
6424: I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
6425: -- Spider Robinson
6426: %
6427: ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
6428: KOSHER DELI!!
6429: %
6430: "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
6431: -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
6432: %
6433: i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
6434: living apart.
6435: -- e. e. cummings
6436: %
6437: I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
6438: N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
6439: I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
6440: She's traversed me seven times before.
6441: And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
6442: Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
6443: I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
6444: N-ary the tree I am, I am,
6445: N-ary the tree I am.
6446: %
6447: "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
6448: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
6449: %
6450: "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
6451: life."
6452: %
6453: I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
6454: -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
6455: -- Arthur Godfrey
6456: %
6457: I'm rated PG-34!!
6458: %
6459: "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
6460: soon ..."
6461: %
6462: "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
6463: (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
6464: -- English Professor, Providence College
6465: %
6466: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
6467: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
6468: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
6469: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
6470: -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
6471: %
6472: "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
6473: lives"
6474: %
6475: I've built a better model than the one at Data General
6476: For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
6477: My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
6478: My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
6479: My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
6480: You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
6481: There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
6482: My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
6483:
6484: I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
6485: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
6486: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
6487: I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
6488:
6489: -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
6490: "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
6491: by Gilbert & Sullivan)
6492: %
6493: I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
6494: %
6495: I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
6496: this little hole in the bottom ...
6497: -- John Croll
6498: %
6499: I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
6500: %
6501: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
6502: -- Groucho Marx
6503: %
6504: I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
6505: on the same day.
6506: %
6507: "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
6508: %
6509: "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
6510: -- Senator Claghorn
6511: %
6512: I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
6513: And from that full meridian of my glory
6514: I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
6515: Like a bright exhalation in the evening
6516: And no man see me more.
6517: -- Shakespeare
6518: %
6519: IBM had a PL/I,
6520: Its syntax worse than JOSS;
6521: And everywhere this language went,
6522: It was a total loss.
6523: %
6524: Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
6525: of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
6526: %
6527: Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
6528: solitary confinement.
6529: %
6530: Idiot Box, n.:
6531: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
6532: stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
6533: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
6534: %
6535: Idiot, n.:
6536: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
6537: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
6538: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6539: %
6540: If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
6541: at about 30 miles/second.
6542: -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
6543: %
6544: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
6545: -- Roy Santoro
6546: %
6547: "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
6548: -- Paul White
6549: %
6550: If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
6551: forecast is a camel's behind.
6552: -- Edgar R. Fiedler
6553: %
6554: If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y
6555: is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.
6556: -- Albert Einstein
6557: %
6558: If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
6559: passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
6560: -- T. Cheatham
6561: %
6562: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
6563: hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
6564: it votes guilty.
6565: -- Joseph C. Goulden
6566: %
6567: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
6568: him up.
6569: %
6570: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
6571: %
6572: If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
6573: dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
6574: maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
6575: must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
6576: -- Donald A. Metz
6577: %
6578: "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
6579: attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
6580: playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
6581: unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
6582: can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
6583: -- Sparky Anderson
6584: %
6585: If all be true that I do think,
6586: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
6587: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
6588: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
6589: Or any other reason why.
6590: %
6591: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
6592: error.
6593: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
6594: %
6595: If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
6596: platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
6597: that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
6598: %
6599: If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
6600: -- Paul Beatty
6601: %
6602: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
6603: conclusion.
6604: -- William Baumol
6605: %
6606: If an S and an I and an O and a U
6607: With an X at the end spell Su;
6608: And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
6609: Pray what is a speller to do?
6610: Then, if also an S and an I and a G
6611: And an HED spell side,
6612: There's nothing much left for a speller to do
6613: But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
6614: -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
6615: %
6616: If anything can go wrong, it will.
6617: %
6618: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
6619: %
6620: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
6621: %
6622: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
6623: tellers?
6624: %
6625: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
6626: %
6627: If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
6628: %
6629: If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
6630: around a deal faster.
6631: -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
6632: %
6633: If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
6634: %
6635: ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
6636: the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
6637: asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
6638: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6639: %
6640: If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
6641: to a can.
6642: %
6643: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
6644: %
6645: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
6646: %
6647: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
6648: Ears.
6649: %
6650: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
6651: Heads.
6652: %
6653: If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
6654: green, baggy skin.
6655: %
6656: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
6657: %
6658: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
6659: invent it.
6660: %
6661: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
6662: hands.
6663: %
6664: If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
6665: %
6666: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
6667: %
6668: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
6669: -- Yiddish saying
6670: %
6671: If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
6672: -- Marvin Kitman
6673: %
6674: "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
6675: replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
6676: %
6677: If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
6678: -- Samuel Goldwyn
6679: %
6680: If I don't drive around the park,
6681: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
6682: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
6683: I may get back my looks again.
6684: If I abstain from fun and such,
6685: I'll probably amount to much;
6686: But I shall stay the way I am,
6687: Because I do not give a damn.
6688: -- Dorothy Parker
6689: %
6690: If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
6691: %
6692: If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
6693: plantation and go home.
6694: -- Eugene P. Gallagher
6695: %
6696: If I had any humility I would be perfect.
6697: -- Ted Turner
6698: %
6699: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
6700: -- Albert Einstein
6701: %
6702: If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
6703: shoulders of giants.
6704: -- Isaac Newton
6705:
6706: In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
6707: with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
6708: -- Gerald Holton
6709:
6710: If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
6711: on my shoulders.
6712: -- Hal Abelson
6713:
6714: In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
6715: -- Brian K. Reid
6716: %
6717: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
6718:
6719: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
6720: also a psychological interaction.
6721:
6722: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
6723: friendly.
6724:
6725: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
6726: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
6727: %
6728: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
6729: As Dame Fortune did intend,
6730: Murphy would be there to tell me
6731: The pot's at the other end.
6732: -- Bert Whitney
6733: %
6734: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
6735: %
6736: If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
6737: %
6738: If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
6739: They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
6740: of it.
6741: -- Thomas Carlyle
6742: %
6743: "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
6744: forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
6745: just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
6746: And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
6747: pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
6748: And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
6749: think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
6750: receive Net Mail ..."
6751: -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
6752: %
6753: If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
6754: %
6755: If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
6756: -- Tom Robbins
6757: %
6758: If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
6759: you've got in the house.
6760: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6761: %
6762: If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
6763: the page number.
6764: %
6765: If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
6766: %
6767: "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
6768: little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
6769: Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
6770: -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
6771: %
6772: If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
6773: -- A. Einstein.
6774: %
6775: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
6776: in my name at a Swiss bank.
6777: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
6778: %
6779: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
6780: %
6781: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
6782: having to accomplish anything.
6783: %
6784: If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
6785: he should see how bad it is with representation.
6786: %
6787: If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
6788: arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
6789: physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
6790: entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
6791: -- Vannevar Bush
6792: %
6793: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
6794: harder.
6795: -- Pope John Paul I
6796: %
6797: "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
6798: -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
6799: %
6800: If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
6801: presumably flunk it.
6802: -- Stanley Garn
6803: %
6804: If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
6805: -- Norm Schryer
6806: %
6807: If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
6808: get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
6809: See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
6810: the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
6811: that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
6812: college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
6813: and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
6814: rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
6815: Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
6816: interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
6817: opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
6818: himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
6819: boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
6820: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6821: %
6822: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
6823: me!"
6824: -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
6825: %
6826: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
6827: are 50-50 it will.
6828: %
6829: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
6830: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
6831: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
6832: exceed all expectations.
6833: -- Reverend Chichester
6834: %
6835: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
6836: %
6837: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
6838: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
6839: %
6840: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
6841: -- Art Hoppe
6842: %
6843: If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
6844: something out of you.
6845: -- Muhammad Ali
6846: %
6847: If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
6848: %
6849: If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
6850: %
6851: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
6852: %
6853: If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
6854: yesterday?
6855: %
6856: If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
6857: doing the thinking.
6858: -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
6859: %
6860: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
6861: -- Laurence J. Peter
6862: %
6863: "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
6864: %
6865: "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
6866: %
6867: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
6868: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
6869: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
6870: -- Marguerite Emmons
6871: %
6872: If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
6873: -- Ann Edwards-Duff
6874: %
6875: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
6876: -- J. Paul Getty
6877: %
6878: If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
6879: %
6880: If you can read this, you're too close.
6881: %
6882: If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
6883: %
6884: If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
6885: call.
6886: %
6887: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
6888: %
6889: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
6890: -- Harry S Truman
6891: %
6892: If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
6893: %
6894: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
6895: %
6896: If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
6897: -- Clarence Day
6898: %
6899: If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
6900: -- Freeman Dyson
6901: %
6902: "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
6903: Lavoris in the toilet."
6904: -- Jay Leno
6905: %
6906: If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
6907: either of you for the rest of the day.
6908: %
6909: "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
6910: have to get a toehold in the public eye."
6911: %
6912: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
6913: will.
6914: %
6915: If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
6916: will always do it.
6917: -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
6918: %
6919: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
6920: make the rubble bounce"
6921: -- Winston Churchill
6922: %
6923: If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
6924: %
6925: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
6926: %
6927: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
6928: %
6929: If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
6930: boot yourself in the posterior.
6931: -- A. J. Liebling
6932: %
6933: If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
6934: %
6935: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
6936: -- Graham Summer
6937: %
6938: If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
6939: people die past the age of a hundred.
6940: -- George Burns
6941: %
6942: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
6943: really make them think they'll hate you.
6944: %
6945: If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
6946: -- Maslow
6947: %
6948: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
6949: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
6950: develop.
6951: %
6952: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
6953: you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
6954: -- Mark Twain
6955: %
6956: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
6957: you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
6958: ice, but no cup.
6959: %
6960: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
6961: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
6962: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
6963: %
6964: If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
6965: the sucker.
6966: %
6967: If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
6968: %
6969: If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
6970: It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
6971: Or some joker who is slicker,
6972: Will trick you of your liquor,
6973: If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
6974: %
6975: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
6976: -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
6977: %
6978: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
6979: tomorrow!
6980: %
6981: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
6982: payments.
6983: -- Earl Wilson
6984: %
6985: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
6986: -- Arthur Kasspe
6987: %
6988: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
6989: shopping center in the world?
6990: -- Richard M. Nixon
6991: %
6992: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
6993: shopping center in the world?
6994: -- Richard Nixon
6995: %
6996: If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
6997: be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
6998: you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
6999: another party next year.
7000:
7001: What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
7002: several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
7003: been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
7004: avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
7005: parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
7006: having another one ...
7007:
7008: If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
7009: your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
7010: through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
7011: that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
7012: someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
7013: %
7014: If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
7015: end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
7016: -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
7017: %
7018: "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
7019: -- A. L.
7020: %
7021: If you want divine justice, die.
7022: -- Nick Seldon
7023: %
7024: If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
7025: he gave it to.
7026: -- Dorthy Parker
7027: %
7028: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
7029: Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
7030: statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
7031: telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
7032: titles beginning with the word "National".
7033: -- George Will
7034: %
7035: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
7036: word you say, talk in your sleep.
7037: %
7038: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
7039: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
7040: even if they don't know what it means."
7041: -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
7042: %
7043: If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
7044: %
7045: If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
7046: tomorrow morning, sleep late.
7047: -- Henny Youngman
7048: %
7049: If you're happy, you're successful.
7050: %
7051: If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
7052: around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
7053: explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
7054: "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
7055: deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
7056: better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
7057: with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
7058: you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
7059: successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
7060: And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
7061: You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
7062: difficult can it be?"
7063: Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
7064: which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
7065: other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
7066: yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
7067: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
7068: %
7069: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
7070: %
7071: If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
7072: -- Benjamin Disraeli
7073: %
7074: If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
7075: %
7076: "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
7077: it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
7078: universe?"
7079: %
7080: If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
7081: -- Ronald Reagan
7082: %
7083: Ignisecond, n.:
7084: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
7085: door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
7086: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
7087: %
7088: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
7089: Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
7090: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
7091: Et le m^omerade horgrave.
7092: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
7093: %
7094: Iles's Law:
7095: There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
7096: at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
7097: Neither will Iles.
7098: %
7099: Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
7100: land He's trying to ignore.
7101: %
7102: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
7103: -- Jules de Gaultier
7104: %
7105: "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
7106: usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
7107: thinks of complaining."
7108: -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
7109: %
7110: Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
7111: a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
7112: storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
7113: voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
7114: What's the first question that the computer community asks?
7115:
7116: "Is it PC compatible?"
7117: %
7118: Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
7119: -- Jack Paar
7120: %
7121: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
7122: -- Edgar A. Shoaff
7123: %
7124: Impartial, adj.:
7125: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
7126: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
7127: conflicting opinions.
7128: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7129: %
7130: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
7131: mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
7132: Boss is reading it.
7133: %
7134: Impossible, adj.:
7135: (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
7136: (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
7137: perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
7138: -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
7139: %
7140: In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
7141: stairs.
7142: %
7143: In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
7144: waffles.
7145: %
7146: In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
7147: get parts.
7148: %
7149: In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
7150: creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
7151: %
7152: In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
7153: syrup.
7154: %
7155: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
7156: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
7157: %
7158: In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
7159: junior, what are you up to?"
7160: "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
7161: rabbit.
7162: "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
7163: "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
7164: rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
7165: expression on his face.
7166: Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
7167: "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
7168: devour wolves."
7169: "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
7170: "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
7171: out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
7172: Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
7173: should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
7174: next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
7175:
7176: The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
7177: it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
7178: %
7179: In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
7180: Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
7181: -- Frank Mankiewicz
7182: %
7183: In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
7184: "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
7185: -- Mark Twain
7186: %
7187: In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
7188: with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
7189: this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
7190: %
7191: In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
7192: sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
7193: those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
7194: devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
7195: as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
7196: -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
7197: %
7198: In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
7199: of the risks he takes.
7200: -- Adlai Stevenson
7201: %
7202: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
7203: incompetency
7204: -- The Peter Principle
7205: %
7206: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
7207: are to be treated as variables.
7208: %
7209: "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
7210: nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
7211: -- Stuart Keate
7212: %
7213: In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
7214: at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
7215: %
7216: In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
7217: %
7218: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
7219: will be temporarily canceled.
7220: %
7221: In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
7222: make it better.
7223: %
7224: In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
7225: a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
7226: to get her attention.
7227: %
7228: In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
7229: in any motor vehicle.
7230: %
7231: "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
7232: -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
7233: %
7234: In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
7235: neighbor.
7236: %
7237: In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
7238: %
7239: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
7240: resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
7241: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
7242: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7243: %
7244: In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
7245: programming languages.
7246: %
7247: In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
7248: the sidewalks when a concert is on.
7249: %
7250: In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
7251: into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
7252: between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
7253: will only make it mushy.
7254: -- Mark Twain
7255: %
7256: In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
7257: pocket.
7258: %
7259: In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
7260: pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
7261: either flying or waiting to board a plane.
7262: %
7263: In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
7264: there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
7265: flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
7266: %
7267: In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
7268: to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
7269: speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
7270: %
7271: "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
7272: universe."
7273: -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
7274: %
7275: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
7276: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
7277: the cares of office.
7278: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7279: %
7280: In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
7281: and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
7282: %
7283: In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
7284: of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
7285: view."
7286: %
7287: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
7288: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
7289: Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
7290: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
7291: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
7292: %
7293: In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
7294: is over six feet in length.
7295: %
7296: In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
7297: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
7298: %
7299: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
7300: %
7301: In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
7302: %
7303: In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
7304: moving automobile.
7305: %
7306: [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
7307: could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
7308: that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
7309:
7310: And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
7311: over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
7312: didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
7313: point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
7314: we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
7315:
7316: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
7317: Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
7318: ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
7319: rolled back.
7320: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
7321: %
7322: In the beginning was the word.
7323: But by the time the second word was added to it,
7324: there was trouble.
7325: For with it came syntax ...
7326: -- John Simon
7327: %
7328: In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
7329: hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
7330: training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
7331: net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
7332: preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
7333: close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
7334: empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
7335: %
7336: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
7337: the proper order then why can't he?
7338: %
7339: In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
7340: Dead.
7341: -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
7342: %
7343: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
7344: -- Alan Perlis
7345: %
7346: In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
7347: a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
7348: to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
7349: forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
7350: stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
7351: punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
7352: enough to punch you.
7353: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7354: %
7355: In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
7356: shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
7357: Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
7358: three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
7359: from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
7360: ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
7361: wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
7362: fact.
7363: -- Mark Twain
7364: %
7365: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
7366: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
7367: discotheques.
7368: -- Art Linkletter
7369: %
7370: In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
7371: my advice.
7372: -- Winston Churchill
7373: %
7374: In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
7375: the supervision of a licensed engineer.
7376: %
7377: In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
7378: along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
7379: %
7380: Incumbent, n.:
7381: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
7382: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7383: %
7384: ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
7385: smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
7386: not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
7387: -- Stephen Crane
7388: %
7389: Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
7390: %
7391: Individualists unite!
7392: %
7393: Infancy, n.:
7394: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
7395: lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
7396: afterward.
7397: -- Ambrose Bierce
7398: %
7399: Information Center, n.:
7400: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
7401: to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
7402: %
7403: Ingrate, n.:
7404: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
7405: indigestion.
7406: %
7407: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
7408: -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
7409: %
7410: Ink, n.:
7411: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
7412: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
7413: intellectual crime.
7414: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7415: %
7416: Innovation is hard to schedule.
7417: -- Dan Fylstra
7418: %
7419: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
7420: %
7421: Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
7422: salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
7423: %
7424: Interpreter, n.:
7425: One who enables two persons of different languages to
7426: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
7427: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
7428: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7429: %
7430: Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
7431: %
7432: INVENTORY
7433: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
7434: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
7435:
7436: Four be the things I'd been better without:
7437: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
7438:
7439: Three be the things I shall never attain:
7440: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
7441:
7442: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
7443: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
7444: %
7445: Iron Law of Distribution:
7446: Them that has, gets.
7447: %
7448: "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
7449: -- Douglas Hofstadter
7450: %
7451: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
7452: meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
7453: soap bubble?
7454: %
7455: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
7456: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
7457: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
7458: -- Ralph Emerson
7459: %
7460: Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
7461: %
7462: Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
7463: listen to weather forecasts and economists?
7464: -- Kelvin Throop III
7465: %
7466: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
7467: tellers take economists seriously?
7468: %
7469: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
7470:
7471: The Course of Progress:
7472: Most things get steadily worse.
7473:
7474: The Path of Progress:
7475: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
7476: %
7477: It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
7478: as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
7479: had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
7480: "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
7481: Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
7482: came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
7483: this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
7484: Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
7485: To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
7486: your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
7487: "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
7488: %
7489: It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
7490: came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
7491: applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
7492: think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
7493: wits, who believe that it is a joke.
7494: %
7495: It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
7496: thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
7497: drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
7498: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7499: %
7500: It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
7501: that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
7502: one can learn."
7503: -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
7504: %
7505: It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
7506: been searching for evidence which could support this.
7507: -- Bertrand Russell
7508: %
7509: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7510: %
7511: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
7512: program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
7513: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
7514: self-critical?
7515: -- Alan Perlis
7516: %
7517: It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
7518: Urbana, Illinois.
7519: %
7520: It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
7521: not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
7522: and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
7523: mature human beings ...
7524: -- Playboy, January 1983
7525: %
7526: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
7527: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
7528: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
7529: -- Voltaire
7530: %
7531: It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
7532: they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
7533: that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
7534: much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
7535: had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
7536: conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
7537: intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
7538:
7539: Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
7540: destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
7541: alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
7542: misinterpreted ...
7543: -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
7544: Galaxy"
7545: %
7546: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
7547: coming up it.
7548: -- Henry Allen
7549: %
7550: It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
7551: One in a million, perhaps.
7552: %
7553: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
7554: %
7555: It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
7556: benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
7557: to use either.
7558: -- Mark Twain
7559: %
7560: It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
7561: incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
7562: twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
7563: -- Rod Serling
7564: %
7565: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
7566: lightly greased."
7567: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7568: %
7569: It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
7570: proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
7571: a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
7572: treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
7573: focus of attention, the harder the task.
7574: -- Sydney J. Harris
7575: %
7576: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
7577: versa.
7578: %
7579: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7580: %
7581: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
7582: one.
7583: %
7584: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
7585: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
7586: people.
7587: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
7588: %
7589: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
7590: Boulevard at one time.
7591: %
7592: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
7593: %
7594: It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
7595: a tune.
7596: -- Woody Allen
7597: %
7598: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
7599: ingenious.
7600: %
7601: It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
7602: desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
7603: -- Woody Allen
7604: %
7605: It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
7606: offense consists in doubting it.
7607: -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
7608: %
7609: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
7610: problem.
7611: %
7612: It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
7613: privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
7614: corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
7615: -- George Bernard Shaw
7616: %
7617: It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
7618: -- Gore Vidal
7619: %
7620: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
7621: damn thing over and over.
7622: -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
7623: %
7624: It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
7625: -- Elizabeth Carpenter
7626: %
7627: It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
7628: pit.
7629: %
7630: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
7631: virginity could be a virtue.
7632: -- Voltaire
7633: %
7634: It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
7635: dignity.
7636: %
7637: It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
7638: to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
7639: -- Havelock Ellis
7640: %
7641: It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
7642: students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
7643: programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
7644: regeneration.
7645: -- Dijkstra
7646: %
7647: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
7648: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
7649: high as the eagle?
7650: %
7651: It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
7652: statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
7653: glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
7654: which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
7655: day, that is the highest of arts.
7656: -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
7657: %
7658: It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
7659: crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
7660: until the other has gone.
7661: %
7662: It is the business of little minds to shrink.
7663: -- Carl Sandburg
7664: %
7665: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
7666: -- Hawkwind
7667: %
7668: It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
7669: five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
7670: it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
7671: %
7672: It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
7673: future.
7674: %
7675: It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
7676: %
7677: It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
7678: good either if you speak when your head is empty.
7679: %
7680: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
7681: warning to others.
7682: %
7683: "It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
7684: -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
7685: %
7686: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
7687: flag.
7688: %
7689: It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
7690: municipality.
7691: -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
7692: %
7693: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
7694: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
7695: -- Robert Benchly
7696: %
7697: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
7698: %
7699: "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
7700: foot."
7701: %
7702: It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
7703: breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
7704: broken ...
7705: -- James Dent
7706: %
7707: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
7708: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
7709: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
7710: the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
7711: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
7712: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
7713: yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
7714: man a lifetime."
7715: -- Thomas Aldrich
7716: %
7717: It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
7718: laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
7719: thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
7720: nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
7721: for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
7722: Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
7723: under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
7724: icepacks.
7725: -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
7726: %
7727: It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
7728: the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
7729: %
7730: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
7731: the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
7732: %
7733: It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
7734: nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
7735: examples.
7736: -- Charles Dickens
7737: %
7738: It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
7739: warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
7740: two things still safe to eat.
7741: -- Robert Fuoss
7742: %
7743: It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
7744: -- Andrew Jackson
7745: %
7746: "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
7747: underwear."
7748: %
7749: It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
7750: %
7751: "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
7752: -- Steven Wright
7753: %
7754: "It's a summons."
7755: "What's a summons?"
7756: "It means summon's in trouble."
7757: -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
7758: %
7759: It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
7760: -- Churchy La Femme
7761: %
7762: It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
7763: %
7764: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
7765: -- Andrew W. Mathis
7766: %
7767: It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
7768: -- Marty Winch
7769: %
7770: "It's easier said than done."
7771:
7772: ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
7773: said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
7774: said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
7775: done".
7776: %
7777: It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
7778: %
7779: It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
7780: being right.
7781: %
7782: "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
7783: hour!"
7784: -- Macy's
7785: %
7786: It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
7787: %
7788: It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
7789: is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
7790: isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
7791: -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
7792: %
7793: It's just a jump to the left
7794: And then a step to the right.
7795: Put your hands on your hips
7796: And pull your knees in tight.
7797: It's the pelvic thrust
7798: That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
7799:
7800: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
7801:
7802: -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
7803: %
7804: "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
7805: -- Walt Disney
7806: %
7807: "It's Like This"
7808:
7809: Even the samurai
7810: have teddy bears,
7811: and even the teddy bears
7812: get drunk.
7813: %
7814: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
7815: direction.
7816: %
7817: "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
7818: %
7819: It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
7820: -- Sam Goldwyn
7821: %
7822: It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
7823: to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
7824: -- George Burns
7825: %
7826: It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
7827: -- Phil White
7828: %
7829: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
7830: -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
7831: %
7832: It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
7833: -- Alexander Korda
7834: %
7835: "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
7836: -- Cal Keegan
7837: %
7838: It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
7839: what you're taking for it...
7840: %
7841: It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
7842: the ground.
7843: -- Daniel B. Luten
7844: %
7845: It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
7846: happens.
7847: -- Woody Allen
7848: %
7849: It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
7850: -- Garfield
7851: %
7852: It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
7853: English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
7854: other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
7855: -- Sydney J. Harris
7856: %
7857: It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
7858: %
7859: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
7860: %
7861: It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
7862: Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
7863: %
7864: It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
7865: raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
7866: not to.
7867: -- Franklin P. Jones
7868: %
7869: It's the thought, if any, that counts!
7870: %
7871: JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
7872: by Mark Isaak
7873:
7874: Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
7875: character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
7876: hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
7877: are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
7878: BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
7879: to him.
7880: So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
7881: he met the traveling salesman.
7882: "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
7883: in high-level language.
7884: "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
7885: and Apples," commented Jack.
7886: "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
7887: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
7888: Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
7889: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
7890: started thrashing.
7891: "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
7892: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
7893: window ...
7894: %
7895: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
7896: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
7897: legislature is in session.
7898: %
7899: James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
7900: indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
7901: -- Tom Stoppard
7902: %
7903: Jenkinson's Law:
7904: It won't work.
7905: %
7906: Jesus Saves,
7907: Moses Invests,
7908: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
7909: %
7910: Job Placement, n.:
7911: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
7912: %
7913: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
7914: %
7915: Johnson's First Law:
7916: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
7917: most inconvenient possible time.
7918: %
7919: Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
7920: "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
7921: anything loses.
7922: %
7923: Join the march to save individuality!
7924: %
7925: Jone's Law:
7926: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
7927: to blame it on.
7928: %
7929: Jone's Motto:
7930: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
7931: %
7932: Jones's First Law:
7933: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
7934: endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
7935: to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
7936: original contribution.
7937: %
7938: Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
7939: (and nobody cares about it).
7940: -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
7941: %
7942: Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
7943: solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
7944: one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
7945: winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
7946: because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
7947: mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
7948: motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
7949: whole truth.
7950: -- Stephen R. Schwambach
7951: %
7952: Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
7953: changed.
7954: -- Irene Peter
7955: %
7956: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
7957: %
7958: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
7959: knows what it is.
7960: %
7961: Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
7962: get a prompt, type like hell.
7963: %
7964: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
7965: immune to bullets"
7966: -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
7967: %
7968: "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
7969: of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
7970: -- Patricia O Tuama, [email protected]
7971: %
7972: Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
7973: twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
7974: %
7975: `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
7976: As he landed his crew with care;
7977: Supporting each man on the top of the tide
7978: By a finger entwined in his hair.
7979:
7980: 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
7981: That alone should encourage the crew.
7982: Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
7983: What I tell you three times is true.'
7984: %
7985: Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
7986: faster rat!!!
7987: %
7988: Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
7989: -- Michael J. Wagner
7990: %
7991: Justice is incidental to law and order.
7992: -- J. Edgar Hoover
7993: %
7994: Justice, n.:
7995: A decision in your favor.
7996: %
7997: K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
7998: Cobol's wordy and confining;
7999: KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
8000: Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
8001: -- The Roguelet's ABC
8002: %
8003: Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
8004: wear tail lights.
8005: %
8006: Katz' Law:
8007: Man and nations will act rationally when all other
8008: possibilities have been exhausted.
8009: %
8010: Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
8011: %
8012: Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
8013: - Hellman's Mayonnaise
8014: %
8015: Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
8016: %
8017: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
8018: %
8019: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
8020: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
8021: straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
8022: force is technically termed "car suck").
8023: (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
8024: than "Watch this!"
8025: %
8026: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
8027: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
8028: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
8029: Your Feet on the Ground,
8030: Your Head on your Shoulders.
8031: Now ... try to get something DONE!
8032: %
8033: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
8034: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
8035: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
8036: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
8037: dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
8038: what's wrong."
8039: %
8040: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
8041: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
8042: and parking for the faculty.
8043: %
8044: Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
8045: travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
8046: original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
8047: teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
8048: grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
8049: teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
8050: -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
8051: Do"
8052: %
8053: Kin, n.:
8054: An affliction of the blood
8055: %
8056: Kinkler's First Law:
8057: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
8058:
8059: Kinkler's Second Law:
8060: All the easy problems have been solved.
8061: %
8062: "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
8063: %
8064: Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
8065: any of its streets.
8066: %
8067: Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
8068: %
8069: Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
8070: %
8071: Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
8072: %
8073: Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
8074: %
8075: Kleptomaniac, n.:
8076: A rich thief.
8077: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8078: %
8079: Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
8080: %
8081: Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
8082: -- Henry N. Camp
8083: %
8084: Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
8085: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
8086: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
8087: %
8088: Labor, n.:
8089: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
8090: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8091: %
8092: Lackland's Laws:
8093: (1) Never be first.
8094: (2) Never be last.
8095: (3) Never volunteer for anything
8096: %
8097: Lactomangulation, n.:
8098: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
8099: that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
8100: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
8101: %
8102: Ladybug, ladybug,
8103: Look to your stern!
8104: Your house is on fire,
8105: Your children will burn!
8106: So jump ye and sing, for
8107: The very first time
8108: The four lines above
8109: Have been put into rhyme.
8110: -- Walt Kelly
8111: %
8112: Laetrile is the pits
8113: %
8114: Langsam's Laws:
8115: (1) Everything depends.
8116: (2) Nothing is always.
8117: (3) Everything is sometimes.
8118: %
8119: Larkinson's Law:
8120: All laws are basically false.
8121: %
8122: Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
8123: was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
8124: pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
8125: farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
8126: sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
8127: you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
8128: What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
8129: of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
8130: the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
8131: whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
8132: Lassie filed the applications for.
8133: -- Dave Barry
8134: %
8135: "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
8136: had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
8137: my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
8138: -- Steven Wright
8139: %
8140: "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
8141: record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
8142: of humor."
8143: %
8144: Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
8145: %
8146: Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
8147: %
8148: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
8149: -- Victor Borge
8150: %
8151: Law of Communications:
8152: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
8153: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
8154: misunderstanding.
8155: %
8156: Law of Probable Dispersal:
8157: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
8158: distributed.
8159: %
8160: Law of Selective Gravity:
8161: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
8162:
8163: Jenning's Corollary:
8164: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
8165: directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
8166: %
8167: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
8168: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
8169: bread to butter.
8170: %
8171: Laws of Serendipity:
8172:
8173: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
8174: something.
8175: (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
8176: be engaged in making an inferior one.
8177: %
8178: Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
8179: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
8180: approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
8181: %
8182: Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
8183: %
8184: Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
8185: everything else follows in the same way.
8186: -- Alan J. Perlis
8187: %
8188: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8189: %
8190: Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
8191: fun?
8192: %
8193: Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
8194: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
8195: unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
8196: drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
8197: can."
8198: %
8199: Leibowitz's Rule:
8200: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
8201: hold the hammer with both hands.
8202: %
8203: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
8204: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
8205: pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
8206: honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
8207: are thieves.
8208: %
8209: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
8210: Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
8211: Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
8212: you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
8213: fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
8214: a sick sense of humor.
8215: %
8216: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
8217: %
8218: "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
8219: number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
8220: and another number."
8221: -- James Estes
8222: %
8223: Let us live!!!
8224: Let us love!!!
8225: Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
8226:
8227: You first.
8228: %
8229: Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
8230: relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
8231: really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
8232: end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
8233: qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
8234: bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
8235: his back."
8236: -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
8237: %
8238: Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
8239: your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
8240: Mental Anguish. You would sue:
8241:
8242: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
8243: section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
8244: into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
8245: in there".
8246:
8247: * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
8248: cretin like yourself.
8249:
8250: * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
8251: case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
8252: a large cash settlement anyway.
8253: -- Dave Barry
8254: %
8255: Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
8256: overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
8257: dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
8258: tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
8259: spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
8260: money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
8261: probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
8262: It's not his money.
8263: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
8264: %
8265: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
8266:
8267: Dear Sir,
8268:
8269: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
8270: to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
8271: public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
8272: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
8273: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
8274: agricultural industry.
8275:
8276: Yours faithfully,
8277: Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
8278: Sevenoaks
8279: %
8280: Lewis's Law of Travel:
8281: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
8282: anyone, ever.
8283: %
8284: Liar, n.:
8285: A lawyer with a roving commission.
8286: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8287: %
8288: Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
8289: -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
8290: %
8291: LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
8292: Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
8293: desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
8294: polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
8295: %
8296: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
8297: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
8298: reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
8299: Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
8300: Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
8301: disease.
8302: %
8303: Lie, n.:
8304: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
8305: discovered to date.
8306: %
8307: Lieberman's Law:
8308: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
8309: %
8310: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
8311: %
8312: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
8313: %
8314: "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
8315: eat it nevertheless."
8316: -- Flaubert
8317: %
8318: "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
8319: %
8320: Life is like a simile.
8321: %
8322: Life is like an analogy
8323: %
8324: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
8325: there is nothing in it.
8326: %
8327: "Life is too important to take seriously."
8328: -- Corky Siegel
8329: %
8330: "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
8331: which I disapprove."
8332: %
8333: "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
8334: -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
8335: %
8336: "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
8337: weren't for other people"
8338: -- Blore
8339: %
8340: Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
8341: %
8342: "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
8343: -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
8344: %
8345: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
8346: sense from things she found in gift shops.
8347: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
8348: %
8349: Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
8350: for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
8351: -- Alan McKay
8352: %
8353: Limericks are art forms complex,
8354: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
8355: They usually have virgins,
8356: And masculine urgin's,
8357: And other erotic effects.
8358: %
8359: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
8360: %
8361: Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
8362: we should think only about today.
8363: Charlie Brown:
8364: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
8365: better.
8366: %
8367: Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
8368: -- Candice Bergen
8369: %
8370: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
8371: around the Sun.
8372: %
8373: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
8374: before.
8375: %
8376: Lizzie Borden took an axe,
8377: And plunged it deep into the VAX;
8378: Don't you envy people who
8379: Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
8380: %
8381: Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
8382: interest rates, we don't need it."
8383: %
8384: Lobster:
8385: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
8386: squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
8387: only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
8388: eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
8389: before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
8390: ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
8391: in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
8392: unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
8393: the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
8394: "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
8395: memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
8396: at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
8397: Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
8398: too.
8399: -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
8400: into Excuses and Apologies"
8401: %
8402: Lockwood's Long Shot:
8403: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
8404: one in a million, but once would be enough.
8405: %
8406: Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
8407: %
8408: ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
8409: legally ... impeccable!
8410: %
8411: Logicians have but ill defined
8412: As rational the human kind.
8413: Logic, they say, belongs to man,
8414: But let them prove it if they can.
8415: -- Oliver Goldsmith
8416: %
8417: Look out! Behind you!
8418: %
8419: Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
8420: to pay income taxes, too?
8421: -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
8422: %
8423: Loose bits sink chips.
8424: %
8425: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
8426: BOOGA!"
8427: %
8428: Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
8429: %
8430: Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
8431: Halstead, Kansas.
8432: %
8433: Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
8434: %
8435: Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
8436: %
8437: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
8438: world has ever seen.
8439: %
8440: Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
8441: -- Sigmund Freud
8442: %
8443: "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
8444: flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
8445: -- Matt Groening
8446: %
8447: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
8448: Hate is a word that is not.
8449: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
8450: Love, I have read, is hot.
8451: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
8452: And Love but a drug on the mart.
8453: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
8454: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
8455: -- Ogden Nash
8456: %
8457: "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
8458: the ideal never goes unpunished."
8459: -- Goethe
8460: %
8461: Love is sentimental measles.
8462: %
8463: Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
8464: -- H. L. Mencken
8465: %
8466: Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
8467: %
8468: Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
8469: -- Louise Beal
8470: %
8471: Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
8472: to.
8473: %
8474: Love's Drug
8475:
8476: My love is like an iron wand
8477: That conks me on the head,
8478: My love is like the valium
8479: That I take before my bed,
8480: My love is like the pint of scotch
8481: That I drink when I be dry;
8482: And I shall love thee still, my dear,
8483: Until my wife is wise.
8484: %
8485: Lowery's Law:
8486: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
8487: anyway.
8488: %
8489: LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
8490: %
8491: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
8492: There's always one more bug.
8493: %
8494: Lunatic Asylum, n.:
8495: The place where optimism most flourishes.
8496: %
8497: Lysistrata had a good idea.
8498: %
8499: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
8500: the smallest amount of thoughts."
8501: -- Winston Churchill
8502: %
8503: Machine-Independent, adj.:
8504: Does not run on any existing machine.
8505: %
8506: Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
8507: and play games -- but not with pleasure.
8508: -- Leo Rosten
8509: %
8510: Mad, adj.:
8511: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
8512: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8513: %
8514: Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
8515: first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
8516: -- W. C. Fields
8517: %
8518: MAFIA, n:
8519: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
8520: Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
8521: subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
8522: rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
8523: reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
8524: operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
8525: MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
8526: variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
8527: security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
8528: more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
8529: imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
8530: options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
8531: Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
8532: powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
8533: entire nodal aggravations.
8534: -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
8535: %
8536: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
8537:
8538: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
8539:
8540: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
8541: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
8542: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
8543: knowledge.
8544: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8545: %
8546: Magnocartic, adj.:
8547: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
8548: carts.
8549: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
8550: %
8551: Magpie, n.:
8552: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
8553: might be taught to talk.
8554: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8555: %
8556: Maier's Law:
8557: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
8558: of.
8559:
8560: Corollaries:
8561: (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
8562: (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
8563: 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
8564: obtain a correspondence with the theory.
8565: %
8566: Main's Law:
8567: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
8568: program.
8569: %
8570: Maintainer's Motto:
8571: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
8572: %
8573: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
8574: as one man.
8575:
8576: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
8577:
8578: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
8579: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8580: %
8581: Majority, n.:
8582: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
8583: %
8584: Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
8585: %
8586: Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
8587: tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
8588: has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
8589: the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
8590: -- System V.2 administrator's guide
8591: %
8592: Malek's Law:
8593: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
8594: %
8595: Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
8596: joke is.
8597:
8598: Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
8599:
8600: Man 1: ______TIMING!
8601: %
8602: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
8603: -- Lily Tomlin
8604: %
8605: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
8606: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
8607: -- Oscar Wilde
8608: %
8609: Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
8610: only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
8611: -- Wernher von Braun
8612: %
8613: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
8614: -- Mark Twain
8615: %
8616: Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
8617: victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
8618: -- Samuel Butler
8619: %
8620: Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
8621: victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
8622: -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
8623: %
8624: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
8625: is an enemy.
8626: -- Albert Einstein
8627: %
8628: Man, n.:
8629: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
8630: e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
8631: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
8632: however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
8633: habitable earth and Canada.
8634: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8635: %
8636: Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
8637: Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
8638: don't think, right?"
8639: -- Dr. Who
8640: %
8641: Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
8642: dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
8643: man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
8644: air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
8645: primitive umpire.
8646:
8647: What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
8648: mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
8649: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
8650: %
8651: Manual, n.:
8652: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
8653: given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
8654: information you need in in the others.
8655: -- Ray Simard
8656: %
8657: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
8658: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
8659: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
8660: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
8661: -- Walt Kelly
8662: %
8663: Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
8664: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
8665: simple yes or no answer.
8666: %
8667: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
8668: -- Voltaire
8669: %
8670: Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
8671: the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
8672: dancing.
8673: -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
8674: %
8675: Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
8676: -- Malcolm Smith
8677: %
8678: Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
8679: -- R. Drabek
8680: %
8681: Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
8682: translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
8683: entirely different.
8684: -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
8685: %
8686: Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
8687: described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
8688: play.
8689: -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
8690: James Blish
8691: %
8692: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
8693: %
8694: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
8695: receipt.
8696: %
8697: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
8698: -- Jules Feiffer
8699: %
8700: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
8701: %
8702: May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
8703: %
8704: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
8705: %
8706: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
8707: Thousand Caramels.
8708: %
8709: Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
8710: -- R. S. Barton
8711: %
8712: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
8713: it.
8714: %
8715: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
8716: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
8717: $19.95.
8718: %
8719: Meader's Law:
8720: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
8721: everyone you know, only more so.
8722: %
8723: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
8724: %
8725: Meeting, n.:
8726: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
8727: department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
8728: %
8729: Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
8730: from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
8731: Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
8732: had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
8733: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
8734: %
8735: Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
8736: it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
8737: very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
8738: tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
8739: [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
8740: world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
8741: next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
8742: ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
8743: cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
8744: billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
8745: more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
8746: fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
8747: older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
8748: obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
8749: window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
8750: hotshot cells moving up from below.
8751: -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
8752: %
8753: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
8754: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
8755: %
8756: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
8757: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
8758: cork makes when it is popped.
8759: %
8760: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
8761: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
8762: %
8763: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
8764: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
8765: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
8766: never hope to acquire it.
8767: %
8768: Menu, n.:
8769: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
8770: %
8771: Meskimen's Law:
8772: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
8773: do it over.
8774: %
8775: MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
8776: %
8777: Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
8778: %
8779: methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
8780: ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
8781: phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
8782: taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
8783: glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
8784: nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
8785: minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
8786: cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
8787: leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
8788: cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
8789: lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
8790: sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
8791: cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
8792: nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
8793: nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
8794: partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
8795: glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
8796: valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
8797: cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
8798: nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
8799: rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
8800: glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
8801: sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
8802: lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
8803: glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
8804: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
8805: 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
8806: -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
8807: %
8808: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
8809: %
8810: Micro Credo:
8811: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
8812: %
8813: "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
8814: watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
8815: %
8816: "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
8817: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
8818: %
8819: Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
8820: Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
8821: inconsiderate."
8822: -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
8823: %
8824: Miksch's Law:
8825: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
8826: %
8827: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
8828: -- Groucho Marx
8829: %
8830: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
8831: -- Groucho Marx
8832: %
8833: Millihelen, adj:
8834: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
8835: %
8836: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
8837: themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
8838: -- Susan Ertz
8839: %
8840: Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
8841: politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
8842: and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
8843: are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
8844: rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
8845: the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
8846: Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
8847: Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
8848: Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
8849: black.
8850: -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
8851: %
8852: Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
8853: is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
8854: myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
8855: the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
8856: unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
8857: will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
8858: dead as a door-nail.
8859: %
8860: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
8861: %
8862: Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
8863: pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
8864: %
8865: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
8866: %
8867: Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
8868: -- Russell Baker
8869: %
8870: Misfortune, n.:
8871: The kind of fortune that never misses.
8872: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8873: %
8874: Miss, n.:
8875: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
8876: they are in the market.
8877: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8878: %
8879: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
8880: %
8881: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
8882: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
8883: held to discuss it.
8884: %
8885: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
8886:
8887: Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
8888: 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
8889: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
8890: Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
8891: Cinnamon
8892:
8893: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
8894: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
8895: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
8896: juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
8897: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
8898: crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
8899: steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
8900: is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
8901: -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
8902: %
8903: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
8904: %
8905: Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
8906: him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
8907: last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
8908: better.
8909: %
8910: Molecule, n.:
8911: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
8912: from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
8913: closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
8914: matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
8915: atom in that it is an ion ...
8916: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8917: %
8918: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
8919: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
8920: it wasn't worth doing.
8921: %
8922: Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
8923: %
8924: Monday, n.:
8925: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
8926: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8927: %
8928: Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
8929: %
8930: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
8931: %
8932: Money is the root of all wealth.
8933: %
8934: Moon, n.:
8935: 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
8936: hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
8937: %
8938: Mophobia, n.:
8939: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
8940: %
8941: MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
8942: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
8943: Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
8944: the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
8945: Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
8946: paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
8947: took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
8948: their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
8949: said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
8950: fight and the match was called by officials.
8951: %
8952: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
8953: path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
8954: extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
8955: -- Woody Allen
8956: %
8957: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
8958: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
8959: be out of a job.
8960: %
8961: Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
8962: because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
8963: and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
8964: eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
8965: and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
8966: female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
8967: dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
8968: by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
8969: truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
8970: them that it doesn't make any difference.
8971: -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
8972: Teen Should Know"
8973: %
8974: Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
8975: than they do.
8976: -- Turgenev
8977: %
8978: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
8979: -- Frank Zappa
8980: %
8981: Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
8982: -- Arnold Bennett
8983: %
8984: Mother is the invention of necessity.
8985: %
8986: Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
8987: %
8988: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
8989: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
8990: population is growing.
8991: %
8992: "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
8993: "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
8994: Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
8995: pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
8996: in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
8997: in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
8998: 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
8999: computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
9000: fun to watch.
9001: -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
9002: %
9003: Murphy's Discovery:
9004: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
9005: women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
9006: will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
9007: trouble!
9008: %
9009: Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
9010: work.
9011: %
9012: Murphy's Law of Research:
9013: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
9014: %
9015: "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
9016: -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
9017: %
9018: Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
9019: Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
9020: pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
9021: military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
9022: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
9023: They can't prove who they are because they've left their
9024: passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
9025: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
9026: movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
9027: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
9028: The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
9029: they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
9030: if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
9031: her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
9032: possible, and turns to Murray.
9033: "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
9034: spits in the sergeants face.
9035: "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
9036: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
9037: %
9038: Mustgo, n.:
9039: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
9040: long it has become a science project.
9041: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
9042: %
9043: "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
9044: it."
9045: -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
9046: %
9047: My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
9048: threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
9049: First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
9050: frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
9051: the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
9052: forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
9053: perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
9054: the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
9055: crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
9056: symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
9057: in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
9058: really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
9059: OK.
9060: -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
9061: %
9062: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
9063: there are three other people."
9064: -- Orson Welles
9065: %
9066: My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
9067: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
9068: sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
9069: through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
9070: listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
9071: log out again.
9072: %
9073: "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
9074: -- MadameX
9075: %
9076: My love runs by like a day in June,
9077: And he makes no friends of sorrows.
9078: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
9079: In the pathway or the morrows.
9080: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
9081: Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
9082: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
9083: And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
9084: -- Dorothy Parker
9085: %
9086: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
9087: And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
9088: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
9089: And the skies are sunlit for him.
9090: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
9091: As the fragrance of acacia.
9092: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
9093: And I wish he were in Asia.
9094: -- Dorothy Parker
9095: %
9096: My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
9097: one.
9098: -- Groucho Marx
9099: %
9100: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
9101: %
9102: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
9103: And he cares not what comes after.
9104: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
9105: And his eyes are lit with laughter.
9106: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
9107: Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
9108: My own dear love, he is all my world --
9109: And I wish I'd never met him.
9110: -- Dorothy Parker
9111: %
9112: ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
9113: Alley!!
9114: %
9115: "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
9116: Alley!!"
9117: -- Zippy the Pinhead
9118: %
9119: My pen is at the bottom of a page,
9120: Which, being finished, here the story ends;
9121: 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
9122: But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
9123: -- Byron
9124: %
9125: My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
9126: signed.
9127: -- Christopher Morley
9128: %
9129: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
9130: %
9131: Mythology, n.:
9132: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
9133: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
9134: from the true accounts which it invents later.
9135: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9136: %
9137: n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
9138: n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
9139: n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
9140: n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
9141: n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
9142:
9143: -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
9144: %
9145: Naeser's Law:
9146: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
9147: damnfoolproof.
9148: %
9149: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
9150: says is wrong.
9151: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
9152: will be right.
9153: -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
9154: %
9155: Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
9156: said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
9157: time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
9158: might steal it."
9159: %
9160: Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
9161: villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
9162: said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
9163: villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
9164: remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
9165: said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
9166: my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
9167: spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
9168: %
9169: Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
9170: serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
9171: into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
9172: "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
9173: %
9174: Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
9175: than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
9176: light more."
9177: %
9178: Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
9179: pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
9180: meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
9181: "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
9182: the recipe?"
9183: %
9184: Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
9185: conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
9186: fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
9187: is most likely to be creamed?
9188: -- Solomon Short
9189: %
9190: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
9191: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
9192:
9193: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
9194: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
9195: %
9196: Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
9197: cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
9198: -- Fran Leibowitz
9199: %
9200: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
9201: character, give him power.
9202: -- Abraham Lincoln
9203: %
9204: Necessity is a mother.
9205: %
9206: Neckties strangle clear thinking.
9207: -- Lin Yutang
9208: %
9209: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
9210: %
9211: Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
9212: %
9213: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
9214: %
9215: Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
9216: %
9217: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
9218: %
9219: Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
9220: with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
9221: change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
9222: fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
9223: have windows.
9224: %
9225: Never eat more than you can lift.
9226: -- Miss Piggy
9227: %
9228: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
9229: %
9230: Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
9231: %
9232: Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
9233: -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
9234: %
9235: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
9236: make it complex and wonderful.
9237: %
9238: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
9239: substance.
9240: -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
9241: %
9242: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
9243: %
9244: Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
9245: law against it by that time.
9246: %
9247: Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
9248: %
9249: Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
9250: %
9251: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
9252: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
9253: %
9254: Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
9255: -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
9256: %
9257: "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
9258: %
9259: Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
9260: supposed to do.
9261: -- R. A. Heinlein
9262: %
9263: New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
9264: %
9265: New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
9266: any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
9267: %
9268: New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
9269: Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
9270: %
9271: New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
9272: -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
9273: %
9274: New systems generate new problems.
9275: %
9276: New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
9277: his wife most often reminds him to act it.
9278: -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
9279: %
9280: New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
9281: %
9282: New York's got the ways and means;
9283: Just won't let you be.
9284: -- The Grateful Dead
9285: %
9286: Newlan's Truism:
9287: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
9288: economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
9289: %
9290: NEWS FLASH!!
9291: Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
9292: German pole-vault champion.
9293: %
9294: *** NEWSFLASH ***
9295: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
9296: %
9297: Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
9298: %
9299: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
9300: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
9301: %
9302: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
9303: have a lucky day this year.
9304: %
9305: Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
9306: as an income tax refund.
9307: -- F. J. Raymond
9308: %
9309: "Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
9310: -- Foghorn Leghorn
9311: %
9312: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
9313: %
9314: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
9315: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
9316: (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
9317: Americans call him by value.
9318: %
9319: Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
9320: Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
9321: Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
9322: Three megs for system source;
9323:
9324: One disk to rule them all,
9325: One disk to bind them,
9326: One disk to hold the files
9327: And in the darkness grind 'em.
9328: %
9329: Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
9330: And tapes without any tracks;
9331: Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
9332: And tapes mixed up on the racks --
9333: Take hold of the tape
9334: And pull off the strip,
9335: And then you'll be sure
9336: Your tape drive will skip.
9337:
9338: -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
9339: %
9340: "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
9341: would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
9342: that much."
9343: -- Augustine
9344: %
9345: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
9346: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
9347: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
9348: %
9349: "Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
9350: hang out.
9351: -- Zonker Harris
9352: %
9353: No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
9354: absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
9355: -- Fran Lebowitz
9356: %
9357: No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
9358: camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
9359: effectively under such difficult conditions.
9360: -- Laurence J. Peter
9361: %
9362: No good deed goes unpunished.
9363: -- Clare Boothe Luce
9364: %
9365: No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
9366: eating one peanut.
9367: -- Channing Pollock
9368: %
9369: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
9370: %
9371: No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
9372: seriously cramp his style.
9373: %
9374: No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
9375: immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
9376: %
9377: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
9378: -- Eleanor Roosevelt
9379: %
9380: "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
9381: %
9382: No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
9383: system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
9384: the author.
9385: -- Chris Shaw
9386: %
9387: No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
9388: He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
9389: Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
9390: And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
9391: CHORUS:
9392: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
9393: And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
9394: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
9395: And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
9396: Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
9397: And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
9398: All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
9399: But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
9400: (chorus)
9401: Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
9402: The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
9403: A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
9404: But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
9405: (chorus)
9406: %
9407: No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
9408: %
9409: No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
9410: %
9411: "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
9412: occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
9413: indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
9414: occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
9415: an indication-applied occurrence."
9416: -- ALGOL 68 Report
9417: %
9418: "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
9419: paper."
9420: -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
9421: taken over by Rupert Murdoch
9422: %
9423: No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
9424: the furniture!
9425: -- Sherlock Holmes
9426: %
9427: "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
9428: -- Dr. Who
9429: %
9430: Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
9431: it.
9432: -- Tallulah Bankhead
9433: %
9434: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
9435: %
9436: Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
9437: %
9438: Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
9439: order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
9440: substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
9441: and rob the old.
9442: -- Lewis Lapham
9443: %
9444: Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
9445: constructive praise.
9446: %
9447: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
9448: Negative expectations yield negative results.
9449: Positive expectations yield negative results.
9450: %
9451: Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
9452: %
9453: Noncombatant, n.:
9454: A dead Quaker.
9455: -- Ambrose Bierce
9456: %
9457: Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
9458: %
9459: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
9460: %
9461: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
9462: %
9463: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
9464: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
9465: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
9466: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
9467: dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
9468: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
9469: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
9470: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
9471: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
9472: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
9473: %
9474: "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
9475: -- Shakespeare
9476: %
9477: "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
9478: is from the wrong kind of tree."
9479: -- Professor W.
9480: %
9481: Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
9482: of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
9483: is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
9484: unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
9485: careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
9486: -- Woody Allen
9487: %
9488: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
9489: %
9490: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
9491: %
9492: Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
9493:
9494: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
9495: light comes on.
9496: %
9497: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
9498: -- Andrew Young
9499: %
9500: Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
9501: tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
9502: -- Nero Wolfe
9503: %
9504: Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
9505: Conscience makes egotists of us all.
9506: -- Oscar Wilde
9507: %
9508: Nothing recedes like success.
9509: -- Walter Winchell
9510: %
9511: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
9512: love.
9513: -- Charlie Brown
9514: %
9515: November, n.:
9516: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
9517: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9518: %
9519: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
9520: %
9521: Now I lay me down to sleep
9522: I pray the double lock will keep;
9523: May no brick through the window break,
9524: And, no one rob me till I awake.
9525: %
9526: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
9527: -- Walt Kelly
9528: %
9529: Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
9530: time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
9531: to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
9532: eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
9533: the following questions:
9534:
9535: (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
9536: food?
9537: (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
9538: exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
9539: (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
9540: prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
9541: double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
9542: right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
9543: longer.)
9544:
9545: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
9546: %
9547: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
9548: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
9549: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
9550: -- "The Begatting of a President"
9551: %
9552: "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
9553: smurfette."
9554: -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
9555: %
9556: ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
9557: get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
9558: the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
9559: on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
9560: children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
9561: snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
9562: to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
9563: a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
9564: outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
9565: he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
9566: Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
9567: Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
9568: kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
9569: children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
9570: quickly.
9571: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
9572: %
9573: Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
9574: tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
9575: Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
9576: plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
9577: they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
9578: Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
9579: administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
9580: you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
9581: described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
9582: interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
9583: that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
9584: This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
9585: inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
9586: so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
9587: if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
9588: direct sunlight.
9589: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
9590: %
9591: "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
9592: -- Karl Lehenbauer
9593: %
9594: "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
9595: normal routines, for children and adults alike."
9596: -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
9597: %
9598: "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
9599: -- Ted Turner
9600: %
9601: [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
9602: -- Edwin Meese III
9603: %
9604: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
9605: %
9606: (null cookie; hope that's ok)
9607: %
9608: Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
9609: guessing.
9610: %
9611: O give me a home,
9612: Where the buffalo roam,
9613: Where the deer and the antelope play,
9614: Where seldom is heard
9615: A discouraging word,
9616: 'Cause what can an antelope say?
9617: %
9618: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
9619: Murphy was an optimist.
9620: %
9621: "Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
9622: fake?"
9623: %
9624: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
9625: reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
9626: amount of hot air.
9627: -- Thomas L. Martin
9628: %
9629: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
9630: -- Plato
9631: %
9632: Of all the words of witch's doom
9633: There's none so bad as which and whom.
9634: The man who kills both which and whom
9635: Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
9636: -- Fletcher Knebel
9637: %
9638: "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
9639: tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
9640: -- Crazy Nigel
9641: %
9642: Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
9643: %
9644: Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
9645: And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
9646: blazer.
9647: %
9648: Office Automation, n.:
9649: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
9650: you would want to talk with over coffee.
9651: %
9652: Ogden's Law:
9653: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
9654: up.
9655: %
9656: Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
9657: %
9658: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
9659: When all goes right and none goes wrong,
9660: And isn't your life extremely flat
9661: With nothing whatever to grumble at!
9662: %
9663: Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
9664: I muck with indices and structs all day
9665: And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
9666: Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
9667: %
9668: Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
9669: be irresponsible, too.
9670: -- Lichty & Wagner
9671: %
9672: Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
9673: And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
9674: Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
9675: Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
9676: You have not dreamed of --
9677: Wheeled and soared and swung
9678: High in the sunlit silence.
9679: Hovering there
9680: I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
9681: My eager craft through footless halls of air.
9682: Up, up along delirious, burning blue
9683: I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
9684: Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
9685: And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
9686: The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
9687: Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
9688: -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
9689: %
9690: Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
9691: %
9692: Oh, when I was in love with you,
9693: Then I was clean and brave,
9694: And miles around the wonder grew
9695: How well did I behave.
9696:
9697: And now the fancy passes by,
9698: And nothing will remain,
9699: And miles around they'll say that I
9700: Am quite myself again.
9701: -- A. E. Housman
9702: %
9703: Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
9704: %
9705: "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
9706: -- Dr. Joy
9707: %
9708: OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
9709: %
9710: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
9711: -- Trotsky
9712: %
9713: Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
9714: %
9715: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
9716: %
9717: Oliver's Law:
9718: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
9719: it.
9720: %
9721: Omnibiblious, adj.:
9722: Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
9723: I'm omnibiblious."
9724: %
9725: OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
9726: JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
9727: as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
9728: WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
9729: %
9730: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
9731:
9732: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
9733: -- Wolfgang Pauli
9734: %
9735: On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
9736: nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
9737: what it does.
9738: -- Will Rogers
9739: %
9740: On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
9741: receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
9742: income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
9743: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
9744: "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
9745: route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
9746: "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
9747: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
9748: worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
9749: %
9750: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
9751: created jerks.
9752: -- Avery
9753: %
9754: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
9755: created jerks.
9756: -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
9757: %
9758: On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
9759: POINT ...
9760: %
9761: On the subject of C program indentation:
9762:
9763: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
9764: indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
9765: -- Blair P. Houghton
9766: %
9767: "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
9768: Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
9769: answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
9770: confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
9771: -- Charles Babbage
9772: %
9773: On-line, adj.:
9774: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
9775: computer.
9776: %
9777: Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
9778: forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
9779: -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
9780: %
9781: Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
9782: each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
9783: choice.
9784:
9785: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
9786: called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
9787: and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
9788: passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
9789: Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
9790: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
9791: %
9792: Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
9793: Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
9794: Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
9795: principals or your mistress".
9796: %
9797: Once Law was sitting on the bench
9798: And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
9799: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
9800: Nor come before me creeping.
9801: Upon you knees if you appear,
9802: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
9803:
9804: Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
9805: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
9806: "Amica curiae," she replied --
9807: "Friend of the court, so please you."
9808: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
9809: I never saw your face before!"
9810: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9811: %
9812: Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
9813: beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
9814: side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
9815: which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
9816: sky.
9817: -- Rainer Rilke
9818: %
9819: Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
9820: great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
9821: the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
9822: life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
9823: one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
9824: going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
9825: shall die of boredom."
9826: The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
9827: current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
9828: rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
9829: But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
9830: and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
9831: Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
9832: lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
9833: And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
9834: "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
9835: Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
9836: said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
9837: free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
9838: adventure.
9839: But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
9840: the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
9841: %
9842: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
9843: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
9844: the smaller prime numbers.
9845:
9846: 2: The Odd Prime --
9847: It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
9848: 3: The True Prime --
9849: Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
9850: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
9851: Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
9852: in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
9853: received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
9854: next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
9855: at all.
9856:
9857: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
9858: derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
9859: true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
9860: %
9861: ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
9862: with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
9863: shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
9864: advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
9865: shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
9866: them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
9867: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
9868: %
9869: Once, adv.:
9870: Enough.
9871: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9872: %
9873: One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
9874: somebody's listening.
9875: -- Franklin P. Jones
9876: %
9877: "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
9878:
9879: Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
9880: The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
9881: -- Chuq Von Rospach
9882: %
9883: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
9884: %
9885: One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
9886: how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
9887: -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
9888: %
9889: One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
9890: the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
9891: announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
9892: a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
9893: captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
9894: -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
9895: "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
9896: I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
9897: "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
9898: %
9899: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
9900: when well oiled.
9901: %
9902: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
9903: never have to stop and answer the phone.
9904: %
9905: One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
9906: -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
9907: %
9908: One learns to itch where one can scratch.
9909: -- Ernest Bramah
9910: %
9911: One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
9912: one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
9913: produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
9914: represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
9915: many ...
9916: -- Anthony Chevins
9917: %
9918: One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
9919: %
9920: One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
9921: will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
9922: I'll tell you."
9923: %
9924: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
9925: %
9926: One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
9927: from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
9928: least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
9929: are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
9930: when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
9931: -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
9932: %
9933: One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
9934: do and always a clever thing to say.
9935: -- Will Durant
9936: %
9937: "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
9938: lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
9939: their C programs."
9940: -- Robert Firth
9941: %
9942: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
9943: create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
9944: retail."
9945: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
9946: %
9947: One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
9948: enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
9949: Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
9950: years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
9951: Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
9952: language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
9953: students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
9954: interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
9955: its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
9956: VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
9957: It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
9958: run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
9959: will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
9960: With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
9961: quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
9962: VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
9963: documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
9964: difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
9965: is that it's all there.
9966: -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
9967: %
9968: One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
9969: seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
9970: way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
9971: fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
9972: disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
9973: %
9974: The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
9975: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
9976: fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
9977: other ways.
9978: %
9979: The First Commandment for Technicians:
9980: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
9981: capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
9982: untechnician-like manner.
9983: %
9984: One Page Principle:
9985: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
9986: paper cannot be understood.
9987: -- Mark Ardis
9988: %
9989: "One planet is all you get."
9990: %
9991: One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
9992: manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
9993: they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
9994: say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
9995: study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
9996: sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
9997: strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
9998: rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
9999: be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
10000: Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
10001: Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
10002: millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
10003: support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
10004: your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
10005: of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
10006: already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
10007: -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
10008: %
10009: One reason why George Washington
10010: Is held in such veneration:
10011: He never blamed his problems
10012: On the former Administration.
10013: -- George O. Ludcke
10014: %
10015: One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
10016: %
10017: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
10018: paint.
10019: %
10020: "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
10021: sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
10022: sheer terror."
10023: -- W. K. Hartmann
10024: %
10025: One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
10026: new model.
10027: %
10028: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
10029: %
10030: One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
10031: at the stake while the votes were being counted.
10032: -- Thomas B. Reed
10033: %
10034: One-Shot Case Study, n.:
10035: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
10036: it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
10037: green.
10038: %
10039: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
10040: %
10041: Only God can make random selections.
10042: %
10043: Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
10044: use the editorial "we."
10045: %
10046: Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
10047: %
10048: Optimization hinders evolution.
10049: %
10050: Optimization hinders evolution.
10051: %
10052: Oregano, n.:
10053: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
10054: %
10055: Oregon, n.:
10056: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
10057: night.
10058: %
10059: Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
10060: is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
10061: -- Mike Adams
10062: %
10063: Osborn's Law:
10064: Variables won't; constants aren't.
10065: %
10066: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
10067: nails.
10068: %
10069: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
10070: they charge fifteen cents for them.
10071: %
10072: Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
10073: office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
10074: were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
10075: juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.
10076:
10077: He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
10078:
10079: Her reply:
10080:
10081: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
10082: means to be a programmer."
10083: %
10084: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
10085: Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
10086: In kernel as it is in user!
10087: %
10088: Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
10089: -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
10090: %
10091: ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
10092: Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
10093: thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
10094: somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
10095: on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
10096: a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
10097: -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
10098: %
10099: "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
10100: -- Alex Schure
10101: %
10102: "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
10103: -- Alex Schure
10104: %
10105: Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
10106: -- General Omar N. Bradley
10107: %
10108: OUTCONERR
10109: Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
10110: Did logzerneg the ifthen block
10111: All kludgy were the function flows
10112: And subroutines adhoc.
10113:
10114: Beware the runtime-bug my friend
10115: squrooneg, the false goto
10116: Beware the infiniteloop
10117: And shun the inprectoo.
10118: %
10119: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
10120: it's too dark to read."
10121: -- Groucho Marx
10122: %
10123: Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
10124: I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
10125: %
10126: Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
10127: %
10128: Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
10129: %
10130: Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
10131: %
10132: Ozman's Laws:
10133: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
10134: won't.
10135: (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
10136: make.
10137: (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
10138: (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
10139: %
10140: Painting, n.:
10141: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
10142: exposing them to the critic.
10143: -- Ambrose Bierce
10144: %
10145: panic: can't find /
10146: %
10147: panic: kernel trap (ignored)
10148: %
10149: Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
10150: better.
10151: -- Laurie Anderson
10152: %
10153: Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
10154: %
10155: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
10156: %
10157: Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
10158: %
10159: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
10160: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
10161: -- D. J. Hicks
10162: %
10163: Pardo's First Postulate:
10164: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
10165: fattening.
10166:
10167: Arnold's Addendum:
10168: Everything else causes cancer in rats.
10169: %
10170: Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
10171: %
10172: Parker's Law:
10173: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
10174: %
10175: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
10176: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
10177: bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
10178: %
10179: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
10180: The number of people in any working group tends to increase
10181: regardless of the amount of work to be done.
10182: %
10183: Parsley
10184: is gharsley.
10185: -- Ogden Nash
10186: %
10187: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
10188: %
10189: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
10190: -- Steven Feiner
10191: %
10192: "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
10193: -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
10194: %
10195: Pascal Users:
10196: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
10197: death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
10198: %
10199: Pascal, n.:
10200: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
10201: his grave if he knew about it.
10202: %
10203: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
10204: -- Eric Hoffer
10205: %
10206: Patageometry, n.:
10207: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
10208: under brain transplants.
10209: %
10210: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
10211: %
10212: Paul's Law:
10213: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
10214: save.
10215: %
10216: Paul's Law:
10217: You can't fall off the floor.
10218: %
10219: Peace, n.:
10220: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
10221: periods of fighting.
10222: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10223: %
10224: Peanut Blossoms
10225:
10226: 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
10227: 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
10228: 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
10229: 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
10230: 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
10231:
10232: Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
10233: sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
10234: Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
10235: hell of a lot.
10236: %
10237: Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
10238: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
10239: it.
10240: %
10241: Pedaeration, n.:
10242: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
10243: sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
10244: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10245: %
10246: Penguin Trivia #46:
10247: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
10248: -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
10249: %
10250: People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
10251: -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
10252: %
10253: People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
10254: the future.
10255: %
10256: "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
10257: -- Ken Kesey
10258: %
10259: People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
10260: %
10261: People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
10262: press than people who are just funny and smart.
10263: -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
10264: %
10265: People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
10266: slept in a room with a single mosquito.
10267: %
10268: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
10269: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
10270: -- Ogden Nash
10271: %
10272: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
10273: Benjamin Franklin said it first.
10274: %
10275: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
10276: %
10277: People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
10278: did yesterday.
10279: %
10280: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
10281: "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
10282: -- Aelius Donatus
10283: %
10284: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
10285: %
10286: Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
10287: when there is no longer anything to take away.
10288: -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
10289: %
10290: Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
10291: %
10292: Peter's Law of Substitution:
10293: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
10294: themselves.
10295: %
10296: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
10297: exciting Camden, New Jersey.
10298: %
10299: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
10300: %
10301: Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
10302: -- John Keats
10303: %
10304: Pick another fortune cookie.
10305: %
10306: "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
10307: hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
10308: sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
10309: %
10310: Pig, n.:
10311: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
10312: by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
10313: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
10314: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10315: %
10316: PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
10317: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
10318: followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
10319: associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
10320: confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
10321: things to small animals.
10322: %
10323: PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
10324: Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
10325: American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
10326: nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
10327: probably get run over by a bus.
10328: %
10329: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
10330:
10331: (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
10332: but a steady left tail light. This means
10333:
10334: (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
10335: to call the problem to the driver's attention.
10336: (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
10337: (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
10338: (d) the driver is from out of town.
10339:
10340: The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
10341: countries to signal turns.
10342: %
10343: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
10344:
10345: (8) Pedestrians are
10346:
10347: (a) irrelevant.
10348: (b) communists.
10349: (c) a nuisance.
10350: (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
10351:
10352: The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
10353: totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
10354: %
10355: Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
10356: -- Don Marquis
10357: %
10358: PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
10359: solution set.
10360: -- E. W. Dijkstra
10361: %
10362: "Plaese porrf raed."
10363: -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
10364: %
10365: Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
10366: because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
10367: couldn't compete successfully with poets.
10368: -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
10369: Shell"
10370: %
10371: Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
10372: them.
10373: %
10374: Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
10375: table.
10376: -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
10377: %
10378: Please ignore previous fortune.
10379: %
10380: Please take note:
10381: %
10382: Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
10383: until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
10384: out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
10385: and such.
10386: -- N. Meyrowitz
10387: %
10388: Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
10389: %
10390: Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
10391: requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
10392: into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
10393: problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
10394: radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
10395: plumbing works.
10396: A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
10397: except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
10398: it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
10399: and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
10400: all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
10401: kill you.
10402: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
10403: %
10404: PLUNDERER'S THEME
10405: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
10406:
10407: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10408: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
10409: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
10410: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
10411: %
10412: Pohl's law:
10413: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
10414: %
10415: Police: Good evening, are you the host?
10416: Host: No.
10417: Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
10418: Host: About the drugs?
10419: Police: No.
10420: Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
10421: Police: No, the noise.
10422: Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
10423: or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
10424: background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
10425: The neighbors?
10426: Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
10427: complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
10428: ask the host to quiet things down?
10429: Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
10430: religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
10431: room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
10432: lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
10433: onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
10434: down.
10435: %
10436: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
10437: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
10438: %
10439: Politician, n.:
10440: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
10441: organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
10442: agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
10443: with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
10444: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10445: %
10446: Politician, n.:
10447: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
10448: "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
10449: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
10450: -- Martin Pitt
10451: %
10452: Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
10453: where there is no river.
10454: -- Nikita Khrushchev
10455: %
10456: Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
10457: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
10458: %
10459: Polymer physicists are into chains.
10460: %
10461: Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
10462: Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
10463: white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
10464: it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
10465: name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
10466: laughter, singing
10467: Half a pound of tuppenny rice
10468: Half a pound of treacle
10469: That's the way the chimney smokes
10470: Pope Goestheveezl
10471: The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
10472: laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
10473: hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
10474: Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
10475: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10476: %
10477: Portable, adj.:
10478: Survives system reboot.
10479: %
10480: Positive, adj.:
10481: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
10482: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10483: %
10484: Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
10485: %
10486: "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"
10487: -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
10488: %
10489: Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
10490: %
10491: Power, n:
10492: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
10493: %
10494: Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
10495: more time for dreaming.
10496: -- J. P. McEvoy
10497: %
10498: Predestination was doomed from the start.
10499: %
10500: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
10501: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
10502: %
10503: President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
10504: vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
10505: -- The Washington Post
10506: %
10507: Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
10508: %
10509: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
10510: It's on the other side.
10511: %
10512: [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
10513: to see him work.
10514: -- Winston Churchill
10515: %
10516: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
10517: %
10518: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
10519: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
10520: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
10521: Because she's unable to postulate how.
10522: -- Frederick Winsor
10523: %
10524: Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
10525: orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
10526: is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
10527: -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
10528: Teen Should Know"
10529: %
10530: Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
10531: encryption standard and they came up with ...
10532: Student: EBCDIC!"
10533: %
10534: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
10535: Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
10536: his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
10537: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
10538: %
10539: Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
10540:
10541: This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
10542: techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
10543:
10544: SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
10545:
10546: We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
10547: for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
10548: as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
10549: trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
10550: can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
10551: about _n.
10552: QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
10553: %
10554: Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
10555: SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
10556: (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
10557: (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
10558: (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
10559: legs for a horse.
10560: (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
10561: (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
10562:
10563: Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
10564: Intimidation
10565: Gesticulation (handwaving)
10566: "Try it; it works"
10567: Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
10568: Blatant assertion
10569: Changing all the 2's to _n's
10570: Mutual consent
10571: Lack of a counterexample, and
10572: "It stands to reason"
10573: %
10574: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
10575:
10576: BBW Branch Both Ways
10577: BEW Branch Either Way
10578: BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
10579: BH Branch and Hang
10580: BMR Branch Multiple Registers
10581: BOB Branch On Bug
10582: BPO Branch on Power Off
10583: BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
10584: CDS Condense and Destroy System
10585: CLBR Clobber Register
10586: CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
10587: CM Circulate Memory
10588: CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
10589: CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
10590: CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
10591: %
10592: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
10593:
10594: DC Divide and Conquer
10595: DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
10596: DO Divide and Overflow
10597: EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
10598: EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
10599: EROS Erase Read Only Storage
10600: EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
10601: HCF Halt and Catch Fire
10602: IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
10603: INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
10604: PBC Print and Break Chain
10605: PDSK Punch Disk
10606: %
10607: Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
10608:
10609: PI Punch Invalid
10610: POPI Punch Operator Immediately
10611: PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
10612: RASC Read And Shred Card
10613: RPM Read Programmers Mind
10614: RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
10615: RTAB Rewind tape and break
10616: RWDSK rewind disk
10617: RWOC Read Writing On Card
10618: SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
10619: SLC Search for Lost Chord
10620: SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
10621: SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
10622: STROM Store in Read Only Memory
10623: TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
10624: WBT Water Binary Tree
10625: %
10626: "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
10627: than the both put together."
10628: %
10629: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
10630: three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
10631: %
10632: Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
10633: anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
10634: -- H. L. Mencken
10635: %
10636: Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
10637: to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
10638: to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
10639: cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
10640: fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
10641: lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
10642: the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
10643: -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
10644: %
10645: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
10646: %
10647: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
10648: %
10649: Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
10650: %
10651: Put no trust in cryptic comments.
10652: %
10653: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
10654: -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
10655: %
10656: Putt's Law:
10657: Technology is dominated by two types of people:
10658: Those who understand what they do not manage.
10659: Those who manage what they do not understand.
10660: %
10661: Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
10662: A: One per person.
10663: %
10664: Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
10665: A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
10666: %
10667: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
10668: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
10669: %
10670: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
10671: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
10672:
10673: Q: How long does it take?
10674: A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
10675: brought with them.
10676:
10677: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
10678: A: They replace your generator.
10679: %
10680: Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10681: A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
10682: itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
10683: reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
10684: maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
10685: %
10686: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
10687: in San Francisco?
10688: A: Both of them.
10689: %
10690: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
10691: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
10692: %
10693: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
10694: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
10695: %
10696: Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
10697: A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
10698: Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
10699: the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
10700: of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
10701: of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
10702: %
10703: Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10704: A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
10705: light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
10706: plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
10707: prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
10708: assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
10709: %
10710: Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10711: A: One and a half.
10712: %
10713: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10714: A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
10715: to the earlier joke.
10716: %
10717: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10718: A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
10719: Californians trying to share the experience.
10720: %
10721: Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
10722: A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
10723: with brightly colored machine tools.
10724: %
10725: Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10726: A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
10727: of the way.
10728: %
10729: Q: What's a light-year?
10730: A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
10731: %
10732: Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
10733: A: Because it was on the other side.
10734: %
10735: Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
10736: A: To stamp out forest fires.
10737:
10738: Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
10739: A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
10740: %
10741: Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
10742: A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
10743: %
10744: Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
10745: should I do?
10746:
10747: A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
10748: believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
10749: the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
10750: time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
10751: somebody else has made the correction.
10752:
10753: And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
10754: the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
10755: to inform the whole net right away!
10756:
10757: -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
10758: on Netiquette"
10759: %
10760: Quality Control, n.:
10761: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
10762: a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
10763: %
10764: Question:
10765: Man Invented Alcohol,
10766: God Invented Grass.
10767: Who do you trust?
10768: %
10769: Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
10770: %
10771: Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
10772: %
10773: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
10774:
10775: (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
10776: %
10777: Quigley's Law:
10778: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
10779: atttempt to use it.
10780: %
10781: QUOTE OF THE DAY:
10782:
10783: `
10784:
10785: %
10786: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
10787: %
10788: QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
10789: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
10790: kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
10791: thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
10792: painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
10793: person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
10794: -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
10795: %
10796: Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
10797: %
10798: Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
10799: I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
10800: computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
10801: store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
10802: all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
10803: the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
10804: they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
10805: rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
10806: Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
10807: impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
10808: goes, giving away the store?
10809: -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
10810: %
10811: Ray's Rule of Precision:
10812: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
10813: %
10814: Razors pain you;
10815: Rivers are damp;
10816: Acids stain you;
10817: And drugs cause cramp.
10818: Guns aren't lawful;
10819: Nooses give;
10820: Gas smells awful;
10821: You might as well live.
10822: -- Dorothy Parker
10823: %
10824: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
10825: the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
10826: with pictures.
10827: %
10828: Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
10829: Congress. But I repeat myself.
10830: -- Mark Twain
10831: %
10832: Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
10833: value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
10834: much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
10835: this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
10836: %
10837: Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
10838: has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
10839: machines are so poor at I/O.
10840: %
10841: Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
10842: so long they can't afford the disk space.
10843: %
10844: Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
10845: in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
10846: %
10847: Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
10848: with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
10849: hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
10850: applications.)
10851: %
10852: Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
10853: on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
10854: sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
10855: %
10856: Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
10857: programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
10858: trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
10859: clear desks.
10860: %
10861: Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
10862: doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
10863: quiche.
10864: %
10865: Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
10866: should be hard to understand.
10867: %
10868: Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
10869: illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
10870: much good it did them.
10871: %
10872: Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
10873: you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
10874: wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
10875: spring up in the middle of the machine room.
10876: %
10877: Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
10878: in BASIC after reaching puberty.
10879: %
10880: Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
10881: freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
10882: wear white socks.
10883: %
10884: Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
10885: can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
10886: %
10887: Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
10888: %
10889: Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
10890: functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
10891: %
10892: Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
10893: This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
10894: computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
10895: %
10896: Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
10897: greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
10898: moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
10899: systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
10900: computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
10901: DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
10902: Correctness Verification Aid packages.
10903: %
10904: Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
10905: job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
10906: using an undocumented external procedure.
10907: %
10908: Real Time, adj.:
10909: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
10910: and then.
10911: %
10912: Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
10913: afraid to break your face.
10914: %
10915: Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
10916: down the system for days.
10917: %
10918: Real Users hate Real Programmers.
10919: %
10920: Real Users know your home telephone number.
10921: %
10922: Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
10923: program doesn't deliver it.
10924: %
10925: Real Users never use the Help key.
10926: %
10927: Real World, The n.:
10928: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
10929: be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
10930: programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
10931: to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
10932: tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
10933: The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
10934: "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
10935: pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
10936: of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
10937: deceased person.
10938: %
10939: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
10940: %
10941: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
10942: %
10943: Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
10944: -- Patrick Sky
10945: %
10946: Reality is for people who lack imagination.
10947: %
10948: Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
10949: %
10950: Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
10951: -- Alvy Ray Smith
10952: %
10953: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
10954: away".
10955: -- Philip K. Dick
10956: %
10957: "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
10958: %
10959: Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
10960: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
10961: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
10962: %
10963: Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
10964: lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
10965: but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
10966: Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
10967: recessions.
10968: %
10969: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
10970: Take not a single bit!
10971: It used to point to me,
10972: Now I'm protecting it.
10973: It was the reader's CONS
10974: That made it, paired by dot;
10975: Now, GC, for the nonce,
10976: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
10977: %
10978: "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
10979: Candy
10980: Is dandy
10981: But liquor
10982: Is quicker.
10983: -- Ogden Nash
10984: %
10985: "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
10986: again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
10987: which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
10988: spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
10989: starfield surrounding the ship.
10990:
10991: "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
10992: announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
10993: are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
10994: intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
10995: transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
10996: Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
10997: -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
10998: %
10999: Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
11000: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
11001: %
11002: Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
11003: -- Anatole France
11004: %
11005: "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
11006: it."
11007: -- Dave Barry
11008: %
11009: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
11010: worse in Cleveland.
11011: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11012: %
11013: Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
11014: offense!
11015: %
11016: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
11017: %
11018: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
11019: %
11020: Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
11021: -- Dave Butler
11022: %
11023: Renning's Maxim:
11024: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
11025: %
11026: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
11027: Civilization?
11028: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
11029: %
11030: Reporter, n.:
11031: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
11032: tempest of words.
11033: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11034: %
11035: REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
11036:
11037: SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
11038: the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
11039: carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
11040: I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
11041: of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
11042: do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
11043: ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
11044: need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
11045: career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
11046: that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
11047: can't help it.
11048: -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
11049: %
11050: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
11051: -- Wernher von Braun
11052: %
11053: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
11054: another chance later on.
11055: %
11056: Review Questions
11057:
11058: (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
11059: and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
11060: he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
11061: Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
11062:
11063: (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
11064: twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
11065: every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
11066: his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
11067:
11068: (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
11069: the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
11070: pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
11071: Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
11072: %
11073: Rhode's Law:
11074: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
11075: circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
11076: empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
11077: induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
11078: for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
11079: material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
11080: none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
11081: proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
11082: universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
11083: becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
11084: %
11085: "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
11086: -- Steven Wright
11087: %
11088: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
11089: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
11090: reject the proposal.
11091: %
11092: Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
11093: -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
11094: Pogo"
11095: %
11096: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
11097: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
11098: door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
11099: %
11100: Rudin's Law:
11101: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
11102: every time.
11103: %
11104: Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
11105: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
11106: be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
11107: shall be deemed to be a cat.
11108: %
11109: Rule of Creative Research:
11110: (1) Never draw what you can copy.
11111: (2) Never copy what you can trace.
11112: (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
11113: %
11114: Rule of Defactualization:
11115: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
11116: %
11117: Rule of Feline Frustration:
11118: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
11119: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
11120: %
11121: Rule of the Great:
11122: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
11123: thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
11124: %
11125: Rules for Academic Deans:
11126: (1) HIDE!!!!
11127: (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
11128: -- Father Damian C. Fandal
11129: %
11130: Rules for driving in New York:
11131: (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
11132: (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
11133: on.
11134: (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
11135: intersection.
11136: %
11137: RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
11138: (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
11139: (2) Never leave the table hungry.
11140: (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
11141: (4) Enjoy your food.
11142: (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
11143: (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
11144: accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
11145: (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
11146: for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
11147: brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
11148: (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
11149: (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
11150: can always eat it later.
11151: (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
11152: (11) Avoid blue food.
11153: -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
11154: %
11155: Rules:
11156: (1) The boss is always right.
11157: (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
11158: %
11159: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
11160: Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
11161:
11162: (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
11163: ants.
11164: (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
11165: (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
11166: (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
11167: (5) Exotic birds flock around you.
11168: (6) People ignore you at parties.
11169: (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
11170: (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
11171: %
11172: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
11173: (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
11174: bomb; use the stairs.
11175: (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
11176: the ground.
11177: (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
11178: (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
11179: psychological problems.
11180: (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
11181: recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
11182: potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
11183: (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
11184: will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
11185: (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
11186: (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
11187: staggering illegally.
11188: (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
11189: sanitary due to limited circulation.
11190: (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
11191: D-Day.
11192: %
11193: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
11194: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
11195: tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
11196: of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
11197: laugh at you a great deal.
11198: %
11199: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
11200: -- Herb Caen
11201: %
11202: San Francisco, n.:
11203: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
11204: %
11205: Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
11206: -- Mark Harrold
11207: %
11208: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
11209: He must be a communist.
11210: And a beard and long hair,
11211: Must be a pacifist.
11212:
11213: What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
11214: -- Arlo Guthrie
11215: %
11216: Satellite Safety Tip #14:
11217: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
11218: %
11219: Sattinger's Law:
11220: It works better if you plug it in.
11221: %
11222: Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
11223: Is like being nowhere at all,
11224: All through the day how the hours rush by,
11225: You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
11226: -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
11227: %
11228: Sauron is alive in Argentina!
11229: %
11230: Save energy: be apathetic.
11231: %
11232: Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
11233: %
11234: Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
11235: %
11236: "Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
11237: ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
11238: -- Steven Wright
11239: %
11240: SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
11241: -- Ken Thompson
11242: %
11243: Schapiro's Explanation:
11244: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
11245: because they use more manure.
11246: %
11247: Schizophrenia beats being alone.
11248: %
11249: Schlattwhapper, n.:
11250: The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
11251: hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
11252: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11253: %
11254: Schnuffel, n.:
11255: A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
11256: mixed company.
11257: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11258: %
11259: Schwiggle, n.:
11260: The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
11261: pencil.
11262: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11263: %
11264: Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
11265: of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
11266: is not necessarily science.
11267: -- Henri Poincair'e
11268: %
11269: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
11270: %
11271: Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
11272: -- William Buckley
11273:
11274: %
11275: SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
11276: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
11277: achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
11278: ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
11279: %
11280: Scott's first Law:
11281: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
11282: %
11283: Scott's second Law:
11284: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
11285: to have been wrong in the first place.
11286:
11287: Corollary:
11288: After the correction has been found in error, it will be
11289: impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
11290: %
11291: Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
11292: Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
11293: Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
11294: Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
11295: Spock: Affirmative.
11296: Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
11297: Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
11298: %
11299: Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
11300: %
11301: Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
11302: Presidency.
11303: -- Richard Nixon
11304: %
11305: Second Law of Business Meetings:
11306: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
11307: will pick the wrong one.
11308:
11309: Corollary:
11310: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
11311: wrong, anyway.
11312: %
11313: "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
11314: In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
11315: multiline message byte.
11316: In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
11317: must be sent passive true.
11318: The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
11319: (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
11320: (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
11321: (a) The LADS is active
11322: (b) Nor LACS is active"
11323:
11324: -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
11325: Programmable Instrumentation
11326: %
11327: Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
11328: %
11329: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
11330: She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
11331: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
11332: Silently scheming,
11333: Sightlessly seeking
11334: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
11335: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
11336: %
11337: "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
11338: %
11339: Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
11340: Ice Cream cures all ills.
11341: %
11342: Self Test for Paranoia:
11343: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
11344: your own fault.
11345: %
11346: Seminars, n.:
11347: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
11348: %
11349: Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
11350: notify you if the record has pornographics material or
11351: material glorifying violence?"
11352: Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
11353: Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
11354: legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
11355: not for little Johnny."
11356:
11357: -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
11358: lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
11359: %
11360: Senate, n.:
11361: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
11362: misdemeanors.
11363: -- Ambrose Bierce
11364: %
11365: Serenity through viciousness.
11366: %
11367: Serocki's Stricture:
11368: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
11369: %
11370: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
11371: %
11372: "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
11373: thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
11374: advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
11375: "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
11376: "Too proud?" the other enquired.
11377: Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
11378: she said, "that one can't help growing older."
11379: "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
11380: proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
11381: -- Lewis Carroll
11382: %
11383: Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
11384: big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
11385: reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
11386: build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
11387: like crabgrass all over the United States.
11388: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
11389: %
11390: Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
11391: %
11392: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
11393: -- Swami X
11394: %
11395: Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
11396: -- M. C. Reed.
11397: %
11398: Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
11399: it's one of the best.
11400: -- Woody Allen
11401: %
11402: Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
11403: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
11404: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
11405: A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
11406: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
11407: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
11408: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
11409: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
11410: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
11411: am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
11412: he's nobody!"
11413: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
11414: %
11415: Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
11416: during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
11417: -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11418: Teen Should Know"
11419: %
11420: Shaw's Principle:
11421: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
11422: want to use it.
11423: %
11424: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
11425: -- Gypsy Rose Lee
11426: %
11427: She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
11428: -- Mark Twain
11429: %
11430: She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
11431: were bad.
11432: %
11433: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
11434: have poured on a waffle ...
11435: %
11436: "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
11437: you should hear me play piano.'"
11438: -- Morrisey
11439: %
11440: She's genuinely bogus.
11441: %
11442: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
11443: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
11444: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
11445: -- Samuel Johnson
11446: %
11447: SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
11448: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
11449: %
11450: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
11451: playing golf with his boss.
11452: %
11453: Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
11454: %
11455: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
11456: -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
11457: %
11458: Silverman's Law:
11459: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
11460: %
11461: Simon's Law:
11462: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
11463: %
11464: Since I hurt my pendulum
11465: My life is all erratic.
11466: My parrot, who was cordial,
11467: Is now transmitting static.
11468: The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
11469: The cat keeps doing poo.
11470: The only thing that keeps me sane
11471: Is talking to my shoe.
11472: -- My Shoe
11473: %
11474: Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
11475: alive.
11476: -- John Sloan
11477: %
11478: Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
11479: -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
11480: %
11481: [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
11482: vices I admire.
11483: -- Winston Churchill
11484: %
11485: Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
11486: Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
11487: excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
11488: This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
11489: examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
11490: Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
11491: printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
11492: comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
11493: no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
11494: %
11495: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
11496: That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
11497: or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
11498: have gotten.
11499: %
11500: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
11501: to work.
11502: %
11503: Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
11504: when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
11505: apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
11506: neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
11507: tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
11508: were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
11509: souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
11510: testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
11511: chains.
11512: -- Frederick Douglass
11513: %
11514: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
11515: (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
11516: check.
11517: (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
11518: (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
11519: attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
11520: attracted to dark objects.
11521: %
11522: Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
11523: %
11524: Slurm, n.:
11525: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
11526: it sits in the dish too long.
11527: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11528: %
11529: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
11530: -- Fletcher Knebel
11531: %
11532: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
11533: -- Fletcher Knebel
11534: %
11535: Snacktrek, n.:
11536: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
11537: returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
11538: materialized.
11539: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11540: %
11541: So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
11542: your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
11543: hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
11544: array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
11545:
11546: ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
11547: were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
11548: that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
11549: toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
11550: made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
11551: format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
11552: -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
11553: Revolution"
11554: %
11555: So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
11556: praise of intelligence.
11557: -- Bertrand Russell
11558: %
11559: ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
11560: who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
11561: and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
11562: and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
11563: -- Voltarine de Cleyre
11564: %
11565: So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
11566: With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
11567: maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
11568: corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
11569: flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
11570: it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
11571: I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
11572: the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
11573: Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
11574: I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
11575: heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
11576: unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
11577: up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
11578: opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
11579: our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
11580: the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
11581: cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
11582: these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
11583: into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
11584: -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
11585: %
11586: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
11587: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
11588: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
11589: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
11590: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
11591: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
11592: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
11593: -- Samuel Foote
11594: %
11595: ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
11596: procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
11597: to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
11598: sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
11599: documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
11600: listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
11601: documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
11602: under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
11603: effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
11604: scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
11605: in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
11606: thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
11607: then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
11608: dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
11609: along.
11610: -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
11611: %
11612: So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
11613: remember his Bible?
11614: %
11615: Sodd's Second Law:
11616: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
11617: bound to occur.
11618: %
11619: Software, n.:
11620: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
11621: %
11622: Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
11623: %
11624: Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
11625: -- Ed Howe
11626: %
11627: Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
11628: celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
11629: stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
11630: "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
11631: of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
11632: government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
11633: Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
11634: billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
11635: it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
11636: thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
11637: the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
11638: and go to a mall.
11639: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
11640: %
11641: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
11642: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
11643: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
11644: %
11645: Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
11646: one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
11647: %
11648: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
11649: them on the head.
11650: %
11651: Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
11652: %
11653: Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
11654: you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
11655: worse.
11656: -- Avery
11657: %
11658: Some points to remember [about animals]:
11659:
11660: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
11661: hippopotamuses;
11662: (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
11663: front of your clothes;
11664: (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
11665: you have just kicked.
11666: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
11667: %
11668: Some primal termite knocked on wood.
11669: And tasted it, and found it good.
11670: And that is why your Cousin May
11671: Fell through the parlor floor today.
11672: -- Ogden Nash
11673: %
11674: Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
11675: progress.
11676: %
11677: Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
11678: progress.
11679: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11680: %
11681: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
11682: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
11683: %
11684: Someone will try to honk your nose today.
11685: %
11686: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
11687: the only ashtray."
11688: %
11689: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
11690: -- Lily Tomlin
11691: %
11692: "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
11693: Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
11694: intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
11695: and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
11696: best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
11697: we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
11698:
11699: "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
11700: -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
11701: %
11702: Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
11703: %
11704: Song Title of the Week:
11705: "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
11706: in me."
11707: %
11708: Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
11709: paid may disregard this fortune).
11710: %
11711: Sorry, no fortune this time.
11712: %
11713: Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
11714: %
11715: Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
11716: bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
11717: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
11718: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11719: %
11720: "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
11721: -- Samuel Goldwyn
11722: %
11723: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
11724: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
11725: if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
11726: back at him.
11727: %
11728: Speak roughly to your little boy,
11729: And beat him when he sneezes:
11730: He only does it to annoy
11731: Because he knows it teases.
11732:
11733: Wow! wow! wow!
11734:
11735: I speak severely to my boy,
11736: And beat him when he sneezes:
11737: For he can thoroughly enjoy
11738: The pepper when he pleases!
11739:
11740: Wow! wow! wow!
11741: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
11742: %
11743: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
11744: And boot it when it crashes;
11745: It knows that one cannot relax
11746: Because the paging thrashes!
11747:
11748: Wow! Wow! Wow!
11749:
11750: I speak severely to my VAX,
11751: And boot it when it crashes;
11752: In spite of all my favorite hacks
11753: My jobs it always thrashes!
11754:
11755: Wow! Wow! Wow!
11756: %
11757: Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
11758: %
11759: Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
11760: -- Dave Millman
11761: %
11762: Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
11763: sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
11764: cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
11765: the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
11766: bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
11767: controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
11768: passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
11769: memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
11770: no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
11771: designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
11772: %
11773: Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
11774:
11775: With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
11776: He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
11777: And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
11778: As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
11779: Helpless users with projects due
11780: Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
11781:
11782: Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
11783: Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
11784:
11785: * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
11786: * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
11787: -- Curtis Jackson
11788: %
11789: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
11790: these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
11791: to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
11792: communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
11793: on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
11794: life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
11795: communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
11796: he can do is to Shut Up!
11797: -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
11798: %
11799: "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
11800: %
11801: Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
11802: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
11803: number of times you have looked at it.
11804: %
11805: Spelling is a lossed art.
11806: %
11807: Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
11808: %
11809: Spirtle, n.:
11810: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
11811: your eye.
11812: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
11813: %
11814: Spouse, n.:
11815: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
11816: wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
11817: %
11818: "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
11819: drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
11820: greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
11821: take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
11822: -- Harlan Ellison
11823: %
11824: Stay away from flying saucers today.
11825: %
11826: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
11827: %
11828: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
11829: %
11830: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
11831: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
11832: another drink.
11833: %
11834: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
11835: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
11836: handle.
11837: %
11838: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
11839: %
11840: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
11841: take a bath ...
11842: %
11843: Stult's Report:
11844: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
11845: fight the solutions.
11846: %
11847: Stupid, n.:
11848: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
11849: %
11850: Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
11851: %
11852: Sturgeon's Law:
11853: 90% of everything is crud.
11854: %
11855: Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
11856: editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
11857: -- Mark Twain
11858: %
11859: Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
11860: before it is understood.
11861: %
11862: Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
11863: %
11864: Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
11865: without his duck ...
11866: %
11867: (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
11868:
11869: To code the impossible code,
11870: To bring up a virgin machine,
11871: To pop out of endless recursion,
11872: To grok what appears on the screen,
11873:
11874: To right the unrightable bug,
11875: To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
11876: To mount the unmountable magtape,
11877: To stop the unstoppable crash!
11878: %
11879: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
11880: %
11881: Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
11882: %
11883: Support your local police force -- steal!!
11884: %
11885: Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
11886: %
11887: Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
11888: %
11889: Surprise due today. Also the rent.
11890: %
11891: Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
11892: %
11893: Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
11894: in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
11895: the room is punishable under law:
11896:
11897: Name #
11898: %
11899: Swahili, n.:
11900: The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
11901: retractions.
11902: -- Johnny Hart
11903: %
11904: Sweater, n.:
11905: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
11906: %
11907: Swipple's Rule of Order:
11908: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
11909: %
11910: Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
11911: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11912: %
11913: System/3! System/3!
11914: See how it runs! See how it runs!
11915: Its monitor loses so totally!
11916: It runs all its programs in RPG!
11917: It's made by our favorite monopoly!
11918: System/3!
11919: %
11920: Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
11921: infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
11922: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11923: %
11924: _
11925: _ / \ o
11926: / \ | | o o o
11927: | | | | _ o o o o
11928: | \_| | / \ o o o
11929: \__ | | | o o
11930: | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
11931: | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
11932: | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
11933: | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
11934: | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
11935: | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
11936: | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
11937: // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
11938: // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
11939: //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
11940:
11941: Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
11942: start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
11943: then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
11944: music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
11945: -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
11946: %
11947: T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
11948: He don't rock, and he don't roll;
11949: Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
11950: He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
11951: -- The Roguelet's ABC
11952: %
11953: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
11954: hole in his head.
11955: %
11956: Tact, n.:
11957: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
11958: %
11959: Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
11960: %
11961: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
11962: enough cheese
11963: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11964: %
11965: Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
11966: %
11967: Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
11968: needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
11969: -- Kipling
11970: %
11971: Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
11972: back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
11973: beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
11974: drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
11975: nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
11976: and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
11977: Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
11978: no need to improve ...
11979: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
11980: %
11981: Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
11982: your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
11983: and they'll call you crazy.
11984: -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
11985: %
11986: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
11987: -- Euripides
11988: %
11989: Talkers are no good doers.
11990: -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
11991: %
11992: Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
11993: -- Friedrich Nietzsche
11994: %
11995: TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
11996: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
11997: determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
11998: stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
11999: %
12000: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
12001: the tree."
12002: -- Russell Long
12003: %
12004: Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
12005: out of the market.
12006: %
12007: Taxes, n.:
12008: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
12009: an extension.
12010: %
12011: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
12012: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
12013: %
12014: Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
12015: %
12016: Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
12017: for going backwards.
12018: -- Aldous Huxley
12019: %
12020: Telephone, n.:
12021: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
12022: advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
12023: -- Ambrose Bierce
12024: %
12025: Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
12026: Is those things arms, or is they legs?
12027: I marvel at thee, Octopus;
12028: If I were thou, I'd call me us.
12029: -- Ogden Nash
12030: %
12031: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
12032: writing.
12033: -- R. Geis
12034: %
12035: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
12036: You eat your victuals fast enough;
12037: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
12038: To see the rate you drink your beer.
12039: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
12040: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
12041: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
12042: It sleeps well the horned head:
12043: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
12044: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
12045: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
12046: Your friends to death before their time.
12047: Moping, melancholy mad:
12048: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
12049: -- A. E. Housman
12050: %
12051: "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
12052: surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
12053: hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
12054: hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
12055: -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
12056: %
12057: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
12058: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
12059: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
12060: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
12061: because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
12062: fact, for he merely said:
12063:
12064: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
12065: it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
12066: because it is impossible."
12067:
12068: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
12069: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
12070: -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
12071:
12072: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
12073: %
12074: Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
12075: %
12076: Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
12077: %
12078: "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
12079: one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
12080: -- J. Finnegan, USC.
12081: %
12082: Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
12083: -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
12084: %
12085: "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
12086: -- Foghorn Leghorn
12087: %
12088: "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
12089: %
12090: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
12091: %
12092: That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
12093: -- Dorothy Parker
12094: %
12095: The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
12096: %
12097: The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
12098: people who want some.
12099: -- Dwight MacDonald
12100: %
12101: The Abrams' Principle:
12102: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
12103: %
12104: The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
12105: -- Thomas Jefferson
12106: %
12107: The Advertising Agency Song:
12108:
12109: When your client's hopping mad,
12110: Put his picture in the ad.
12111: If he still should prove refractory,
12112: Add a picture of his factory.
12113: %
12114: "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
12115: someone with it."
12116: -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
12117: %
12118: ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
12119: consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
12120: of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
12121: listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
12122: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12123: %
12124: The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
12125: River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
12126: Rock.
12127: %
12128: The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
12129: Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
12130: and color, but also on ability.
12131: -- T. Lehrer
12132: %
12133: The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
12134: -- Bill Murray
12135: %
12136: The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
12137: in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
12138: Declaration not for that, but for future use.
12139: -- Abraham Lincoln
12140: %
12141: The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
12142: %
12143: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
12144: average man can see better than he can think.
12145: %
12146: "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
12147: people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
12148: anything."
12149: -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
12150: %
12151: The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
12152: cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
12153: difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
12154: which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
12155: here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
12156: RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
12157: want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
12158: lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
12159: squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
12160: and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
12161: his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
12162: neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
12163: lots.
12164: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
12165: %
12166: The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
12167: called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
12168: writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
12169: be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
12170: immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
12171: bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
12172: Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
12173: paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
12174: would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
12175: The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
12176: emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
12177: Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
12178: -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
12179: %
12180: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
12181: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
12182: %
12183: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
12184: -- W. C. Fields
12185: %
12186: The best defense against logic is ignorance.
12187: %
12188: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
12189: %
12190: "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
12191: blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
12192: You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
12193: night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
12194: love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
12195: know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
12196: one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
12197: wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
12198: never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
12199: dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
12200: lot of things there are to learn."
12201: -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
12202: %
12203: The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
12204: is a match.
12205: -- Will Rogers
12206: %
12207: The bigger the theory the better.
12208: %
12209: The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
12210: time.
12211: -- Merrick Furst
12212: %
12213: The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
12214: Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
12215:
12216: It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
12217: known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
12218: in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
12219: under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
12220: people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
12221: city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
12222: umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
12223: activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
12224: %
12225: "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
12226: %
12227: The bogosity meter just pegged.
12228: %
12229: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
12230: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
12231: %
12232: The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
12233: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
12234: program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
12235: convert to the next higher units.
12236: %
12237: The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
12238: Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
12239: automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
12240: -- Art Buchwald
12241: %
12242: The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
12243: bureaucracy.
12244: %
12245: "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
12246: flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
12247: %
12248: The camel has a single hump;
12249: The dromedary two;
12250: Or else the other way around.
12251: I'm never sure. Are you?
12252: -- Ogden Nash
12253: %
12254: The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
12255: greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
12256: inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
12257: party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
12258: -- H. L. Mencken
12259: %
12260: "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
12261: -- G. Fitch
12262: %
12263: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
12264: at the steam fitters' picnic.
12265: %
12266: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
12267: %
12268: The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
12269: -- Alfred Adler
12270: %
12271: The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
12272: walk carefully.
12273: -- Russian Proverb
12274: %
12275: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
12276: elsewhere."
12277: %
12278: "The Computer made me do it."
12279: %
12280: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
12281: -- Alan Perlis
12282: %
12283: The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
12284: memos.
12285: -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
12286: %
12287: The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
12288: subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
12289: every bird watcher in the country.
12290: -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
12291: %
12292: The Consultant's Curse:
12293: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
12294: what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
12295: medicine, and is normally only required once.
12296: %
12297: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
12298: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
12299: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
12300: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
12301: talked about.
12302: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
12303: %
12304: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
12305: %
12306: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
12307: down.
12308: %
12309: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
12310: eat.
12311: -- John McNulty
12312: %
12313: The Crown is full of it!
12314: -- Nate Harris, 1775
12315: %
12316: The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
12317: therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
12318: hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
12319: declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
12320: then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
12321: Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
12322: -- William Ellery Channing
12323: %
12324: The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
12325: %
12326: The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
12327: us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
12328: Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
12329: %
12330: The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
12331: %
12332: The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
12333: %
12334: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
12335: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
12336: out again, it would be a calamity."
12337: -- Benjamin Disraeli
12338: %
12339: The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
12340: requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
12341: scholarship.
12342: -- Robert Heinlein
12343: %
12344: The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
12345: following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
12346:
12347: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
12348: Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
12349: Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
12350: "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
12351: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
12352: Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
12353: Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
12354: goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
12355: Jews won't go near them ..."
12356: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
12357: %
12358: The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
12359: a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
12360: %
12361: The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
12362: really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
12363: -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
12364: %
12365: The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
12366: off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
12367: next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
12368: duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
12369: duck and returned it to his master.
12370: "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
12371: "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
12372: swim."
12373: %
12374: The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
12375: and owns the worm farm.
12376: -- Travis McGee
12377: %
12378: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
12379: %
12380: The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
12381: add ten percent.
12382: %
12383: The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
12384: weather forecasters.
12385: -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
12386: %
12387: "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
12388: Compute' -- I forget which."
12389: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
12390: %
12391: The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
12392: civilization.
12393: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
12394: %
12395: The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
12396: symposium to follow.
12397: %
12398: The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
12399: their children to speak it.
12400: -- G. B. Shaw
12401: %
12402: The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
12403: remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
12404: -- Ambrose Bierce
12405: %
12406: The fact that it works is immaterial.
12407: -- L. Ogborn
12408: %
12409: The faster we go, the rounder we get.
12410: -- The Grateful Dead
12411: %
12412: The Fifth Rule:
12413: You have taken yourself too seriously.
12414: %
12415: The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
12416: -- Abbie Hoffman
12417: %
12418: The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
12419: Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
12420: tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
12421: forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
12422: fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
12423: threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
12424: suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
12425: foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
12426: one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
12427: dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
12428: drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
12429: and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
12430: thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
12431: of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
12432: in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
12433: crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
12434: Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
12435: a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
12436: throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
12437: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
12438: %
12439: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
12440: management is that success equals skill.
12441: -- Robert Heller
12442: %
12443: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
12444: child, was propounded to me by my father:
12445: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
12446: whistles?"
12447: I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
12448: gave up.
12449: "A herring," said my father.
12450: "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
12451: "So hang it there."
12452: "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
12453: "Paint it."
12454: "But a herring isn't wet."
12455: "If its just painted its still wet."
12456: "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
12457: doesn't whistle!!"
12458: "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
12459: hard."
12460: -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
12461: %
12462: "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
12463: hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
12464: -- McCloctnik the Lucid
12465: %
12466: The First Rule of Program Optimization:
12467: Don't do it.
12468:
12469: The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
12470: Don't do it yet.
12471: -- Michael Jackson
12472: %
12473: The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
12474: The second, a trick.
12475: Later, it's a well-established technique!
12476: -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
12477: %
12478: The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
12479: Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
12480:
12481: As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
12482: logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
12483: appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
12484: four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
12485: . . .
12486: Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
12487: blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
12488: parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
12489: of the hyper-cube.
12490: %
12491: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
12492: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
12493: %
12494: "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
12495: vinyl."
12496: -- Dave Barry
12497: %
12498: The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
12499: number of your kids by 32 teeth.
12500: %
12501: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
12502: chance.
12503: %
12504: The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
12505: %
12506: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
12507: center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
12508: Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
12509: End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
12510: %
12511: The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
12512: today.
12513: %
12514: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
12515: least until we've finished building it.
12516: %
12517: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
12518: is to build better mice.
12519: %
12520: The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
12521: love and he invented marriage.
12522: %
12523: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
12524: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
12525: %
12526: "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
12527: make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
12528: have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
12529: man in the bonds of Hell."
12530: -- St. Augustine
12531: %
12532: The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
12533: to be good.
12534: %
12535: "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
12536:
12537: On the good ship Enterprise
12538: Every week there's a new surprise
12539: Where the Romulans lurk
12540: And the Klingons often go berserk.
12541:
12542: Yes, the good ship Enterprise
12543: There's excitement anywhere it flies
12544: Where Tribbles play
12545: And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
12546:
12547: See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
12548: Mr. Spock is at his side.
12549: The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
12550: It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
12551:
12552: It's the good ship Enterprise
12553: Heading out where danger lies
12554: And you live in dread
12555: If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
12556: -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
12557: %
12558: The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
12559: statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
12560: extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
12561: displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
12562: case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
12563: down anything he damn well pleases.
12564: -- Sir Josiah Stamp
12565: %
12566: The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
12567: who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
12568: -- Benjamin Franklin.
12569: %
12570: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
12571: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
12572: courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
12573: clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
12574: of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
12575: Hedgehog Eater.
12576: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12577: %
12578: The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
12579: of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
12580: -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
12581: %
12582: The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
12583: -- Albert Einstein
12584: %
12585: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
12586: whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
12587: nohow.
12588: %
12589: The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
12590: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
12591: %
12592: The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
12593: thinkers.
12594: %
12595: The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
12596: which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
12597: least 5000 years old."
12598: %
12599: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
12600: lists of "Ten Best".
12601: -- H. Allen Smith
12602: %
12603: "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
12604: has gills through which it can see."
12605: -- Monty Python
12606: %
12607: The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
12608: -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
12609: %
12610: The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
12611: protein -- it rejects it.
12612: -- P. Medawar
12613: %
12614: The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
12615: remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
12616: struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
12617: spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
12618: wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
12619: off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
12620: -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
12621: %
12622: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
12623: -- Mark Twain
12624: %
12625: The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
12626: procession but carrying a banner.
12627: -- Mark Twain
12628: %
12629: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
12630: -- Ashley Montagu
12631: %
12632: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
12633: -- Ashley Montague
12634: %
12635: The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
12636: devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
12637: where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
12638: sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
12639: consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
12640: have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
12641: repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
12642: of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
12643: devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
12644: -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
12645: %
12646: "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
12647: -- Franco Spisani
12648: %
12649: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
12650: longer."
12651: -- Henry Kissinger
12652: %
12653: The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
12654: has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
12655: when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
12656: -- Will Rogers
12657: %
12658: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
12659: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
12660: important thing to people.
12661: -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
12662: %
12663: The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
12664: number of participants.
12665: -- Adam Walinsky
12666: %
12667: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
12668: by the number of people in the group.
12669: %
12670: The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
12671: information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
12672: dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
12673: real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
12674:
12675: So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
12676: pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
12677: consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
12678: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
12679: %
12680: The Kennedy Constant:
12681: Don't get mad -- get even.
12682: %
12683: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
12684: %
12685: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
12686: Would shudder at a wicked word.
12687: Their candle gives a single light;
12688: They'd rather stay at home at night.
12689: They do not keep awake till three,
12690: Nor read erotic poetry.
12691: They never sanction the impure,
12692: Nor recognize an overture.
12693: They shrink from powders and from paints ...
12694: So far, I've had no complaints.
12695: -- Dorothy Parker
12696: %
12697: "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
12698: word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
12699: drugs.'
12700: -- Roy Blount, Jr.
12701: %
12702: The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
12703: law free.
12704: -- Henry David Thoreau
12705: %
12706: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
12707: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
12708: bread.
12709: -- Anatole France
12710: %
12711: "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
12712: men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
12713: universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
12714: presently imagine we own."
12715: -- H.G. Wells
12716: %
12717: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
12718:
12719: SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
12720: Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
12721: Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
12722: with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
12723: END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
12724: a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
12725: they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
12726: the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
12727: %
12728: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
12729:
12730: This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
12731: an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
12732: to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
12733: %
12734: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
12735:
12736: SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
12737: Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
12738: compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
12739: coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
12740: sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
12741: compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
12742: infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
12743: %
12744: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
12745:
12746: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
12747: unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
12748: are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
12749: SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
12750: parties.
12751: %
12752: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
12753:
12754: This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
12755: submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
12756: best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
12757: language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
12758: statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
12759: similar to COBOL.
12760: %
12761: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
12762:
12763: FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
12764: refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
12765: JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
12766: BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
12767: CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
12768:
12769: The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
12770: financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
12771: VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
12772: and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
12773: who end up using this language.
12774: %
12775: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
12776:
12777: Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
12778: DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
12779: language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
12780: and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
12781: spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
12782: ours."
12783:
12784: The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
12785: almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
12786: organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
12787: exist.
12788: %
12789: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
12790: From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
12791: VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
12792:
12793: Here is a sample program:
12794: LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
12795: IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
12796: VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
12797: FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
12798: DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
12799: BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
12800: SURE
12801: LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
12802: REALLY
12803: LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
12804: IM*SURE
12805: GOTO THE MALL
12806:
12807: When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
12808:
12809: GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
12810: %
12811: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
12812:
12813: This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
12814: Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
12815: the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
12816:
12817: The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
12818: while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
12819: because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
12820: Perrier.
12821:
12822: Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
12823: and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
12824: case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
12825: message:
12826: "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
12827: you find the time to try it again?"
12828: %
12829: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
12830: train.
12831: %
12832: The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
12833: %
12834: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
12835: much sleep.
12836: -- Woody Allen
12837: %
12838: The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
12839: -- Henry Kissinger
12840: %
12841: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
12842: we could with both of them."
12843: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
12844: %
12845: The makers may make
12846: and the users may use,
12847: but the fixers must fix
12848: with but minimal clues
12849: %
12850: The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
12851: crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
12852: one has ever been.
12853: -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
12854: %
12855: The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
12856: will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
12857: -- Mark Twain.
12858: %
12859: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
12860: soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
12861: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
12862: %
12863: "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
12864: -- Dave Barry
12865: %
12866: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
12867: %
12868: The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
12869: klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
12870:
12871: "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
12872:
12873: "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
12874: %
12875: The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
12876: devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
12877: -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
12878: %
12879: The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
12880: be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
12881: law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
12882: guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
12883: Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
12884: Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
12885: of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
12886: power.
12887: -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
12888: Thinking."
12889: %
12890: The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
12891: -- Laurence J. Peter
12892: %
12893: The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
12894: -- Nicol Williamson
12895: %
12896: The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
12897: %
12898: The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
12899: %
12900: "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
12901: lower the mailing cost."
12902: -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
12903: %
12904: The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
12905: robbers there will be.
12906: -- Lao Tsu
12907: %
12908: The more things change, the more they stay insane.
12909: %
12910: The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
12911: is right.
12912: %
12913: The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
12914: -- Andy Warhol
12915: %
12916: "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
12917: to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
12918: -- Theodore H. White
12919: %
12920: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
12921: discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
12922: -- Isaac Asimov
12923: %
12924: The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
12925: %
12926: ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
12927: %
12928: "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
12929: "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
12930: feel interested.
12931: "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
12932: vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
12933: Aged Man.'"
12934: "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
12935: Alice corrected herself.
12936: "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
12937: called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
12938: "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
12939: completely bewildered.
12940: "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
12941: "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
12942: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
12943: %
12944: "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
12945: 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
12946: -- D. Letterman
12947: %
12948: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
12949: Support your right to bare arms!
12950: %
12951: The net of law is spread so wide,
12952: No sinner from its sweep may hide.
12953: Its meshes are so fine and strong,
12954: They take in every child of wrong.
12955: O wondrous web of mystery!
12956: Big fish alone escape from thee!
12957: -- James Jeffrey Roche
12958: %
12959: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
12960: hope I don't get run over again.
12961: %
12962: The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
12963: in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
12964:
12965: But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
12966: whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
12967: -- Matthew 5:37
12968: %
12969: "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
12970: Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
12971: The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
12972: and running the country ..."
12973: -- Robert J Woodhead
12974: %
12975: The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
12976: choose from.
12977: -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
12978: %
12979: The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
12980: 80-column card.
12981: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
12982: %
12983: The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
12984: serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
12985: these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
12986: function is to serve as checks upon the state.
12987: -- Alan Barth
12988: %
12989: The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
12990: correct.
12991: -- Ralph Hartley
12992: %
12993: The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
12994: analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
12995: occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
12996: these problems when called upon.
12997:
12998: However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
12999: remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
13000: %
13001: The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
13002: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
13003: Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
13004: Planning."
13005: %
13006: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
13007: %
13008: The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
13009: brings wisdom.
13010: -- H. L. Mencken
13011: %
13012: The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
13013: catch his own breath.
13014: -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
13015: %
13016: The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
13017: to cringe.
13018: %
13019: The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
13020: `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
13021: -- Ernest Rutherford
13022: %
13023: The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
13024: and take a rest.
13025: %
13026: "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
13027: -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
13028: Over and Over"
13029: %
13030: The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
13031: %
13032: The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
13033: has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
13034: finished, and put inside boxes.
13035: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
13036: %
13037: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
13038: use to oneself.
13039: -- Oscar Wilde
13040: %
13041: "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
13042: history."
13043: -- Hegel
13044:
13045: "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
13046: long view."
13047: -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
13048: %
13049: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
13050: -- Oscar Wilde
13051: %
13052: The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
13053: until 5 or 6 p.m.
13054: %
13055: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
13056: -- Bohr
13057: %
13058: The optimum committee has no members.
13059: -- Norman Augustine
13060: %
13061: The optimum committee has no members.
13062: -- Norman Augustine
13063: %
13064: "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
13065: went back in time."
13066: -- Steven Wright
13067: %
13068: The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
13069: it isn't here.
13070: -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
13071: %
13072: The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
13073: were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
13074: -- H. L. Mencken
13075: %
13076: The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
13077: Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
13078: large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
13079: it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
13080: apparatus for a spectator sport.
13081:
13082: The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
13083: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
13084: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13085: %
13086: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
13087: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
13088: Let others think his heart is big,
13089: I think it stupid of the Pig.
13090: -- Ogden Nash
13091: %
13092: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
13093: swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
13094: batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
13095: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
13096: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
13097: -- Dizzy Dean
13098: %
13099: The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
13100: -- David Lardner
13101: %
13102: The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
13103: to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
13104: is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
13105: courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
13106: preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
13107: social function of expressing true distaste.
13108: -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
13109: Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
13110: %
13111: "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
13112: often."
13113: %
13114: The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
13115: Were each of them once a kiddie.
13116: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
13117: Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
13118: -- Ogden Nash
13119: %
13120: The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
13121: brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
13122: Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
13123: -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
13124: %
13125: The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
13126: they might force their beliefs on us.
13127: -- Mario Cuomo
13128: %
13129: The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
13130: warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
13131: changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
13132: marker.
13133: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
13134: %
13135: The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
13136: constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
13137: appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
13138: statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
13139: also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
13140: -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
13141: %
13142: The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
13143: voters to win the next election.
13144: %
13145: The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
13146: represents the secondary theme:
13147:
13148: Law Enforcement Officials
13149:
13150: The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
13151:
13152: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
13153: %
13154: ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
13155: other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
13156: charity we can only call "inhuman."
13157: -- R. A. Lafferty
13158: %
13159: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
13160: stupidity of your action.
13161: %
13162: The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
13163: Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
13164: using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
13165: Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
13166: etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
13167: bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
13168: of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
13169: developed cancer.
13170: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
13171: %
13172: The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
13173: to erase it.
13174: -- Glaser and Way
13175: %
13176: The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
13177: results.
13178:
13179: The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
13180: problems in order to get results.
13181:
13182: The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
13183: problems in order to get results.
13184: %
13185: The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
13186: pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
13187: -- Elizabeth Taylor
13188: %
13189: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
13190: %
13191: The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
13192: outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
13193: mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
13194: tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
13195: the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
13196: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13197: %
13198: "The pyramid is opening!"
13199: "Which one?"
13200: "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
13201: -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
13202: Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
13203: %
13204: The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
13205: "My brain is paged out to my liver"
13206: %
13207: The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
13208: it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
13209: that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
13210: industrial waste?
13211: -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
13212: %
13213: The rain it raineth on the just
13214: And also on the unjust fella,
13215: But chiefly on the just, because
13216: The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
13217: %
13218: The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
13219: cursed.
13220: %
13221: The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
13222: %
13223: The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
13224: which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
13225: Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
13226: Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
13227: -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
13228: %
13229: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
13230: persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
13231: progress depends on the unreasonable man.
13232: -- George Bernard Shaw
13233: %
13234: The revolution will not be televised.
13235: %
13236: The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
13237: -- Emerson
13238: %
13239: The rhino is a homely beast,
13240: For human eyes he's not a feast.
13241: Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
13242: I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
13243: -- Ogden Nash
13244: %
13245: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
13246: means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
13247: %
13248: "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
13249: and to his imagination for his facts."
13250: -- Sheridan
13251: %
13252: The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
13253: -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
13254: %
13255: "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
13256: House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
13257: you have and what rights you have not got."
13258: -- J. Parnell Thomas
13259: %
13260: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
13261: sloppy analysis!
13262: %
13263: The Roman Rule
13264: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
13265: one who is doing it.
13266: %
13267: The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
13268: his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
13269: one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
13270: take it too seriously.
13271: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13272: %
13273: The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
13274: give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
13275: -- Jane Bryant Quinn
13276: %
13277: "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
13278: %
13279: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
13280: showed that all had these things in common:
13281:
13282: (1) They all had moderate appetites.
13283: (2) They all came from middle class homes
13284: (3) All but two of them were dead.
13285: %
13286: The scum also rises.
13287: -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
13288: %
13289: The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
13290: respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
13291: from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
13292: milestones are lifted.
13293: -- George Bernard Shaw
13294: %
13295: The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
13296: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
13297: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
13298: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
13299: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
13300:
13301: "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
13302: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
13303: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
13304: and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
13305:
13306: "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
13307:
13308: Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
13309: -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
13310: %
13311: The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
13312: %
13313: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
13314: -- Noelie Alito
13315: %
13316: The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
13317: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
13318: in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
13319: way.)
13320: -- Dan Roddick
13321: %
13322: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
13323: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
13324: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
13325: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
13326: %
13327: "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
13328: money."
13329: -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
13330: %
13331: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
13332: %
13333: The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
13334: able to correct them.
13335: -- Nicolaides
13336: %
13337: The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
13338: %
13339: The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
13340: readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
13341: some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
13342: reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
13343: the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
13344: known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
13345: Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
13346: of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
13347: psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
13348: Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
13349: these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
13350: further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
13351: something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
13352: the Russians.
13353: -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
13354: %
13355: The STAR WARS Song
13356: Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
13357:
13358: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
13359: Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
13360: S-O-D-A soda
13361: I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
13362: I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
13363: Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
13364:
13365: Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
13366: A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
13367: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
13368: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
13369: How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
13370: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
13371: %
13372: The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
13373: %
13374: The steady state of disks is full.
13375: -- Ken Thompson
13376: %
13377: THE STORY OF CREATION
13378: or
13379: THE MYTH OF URK
13380:
13381: In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
13382: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
13383: was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
13384: registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
13385: and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
13386: Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
13387: and there was morning, one interrupt ...
13388: -- Rico Tudor
13389: %
13390: The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
13391: them unsafe.
13392: -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
13393: %
13394: "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
13395: is an emerging underachiever."
13396: %
13397: The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
13398: biology.
13399: %
13400: "The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
13401: even any property taxes."
13402: -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
13403: %
13404: The sum of the Universe is zero.
13405: %
13406: The sun was shining on the sea,
13407: Shining with all his might:
13408: He did his very best to make
13409: The billows smooth and bright --
13410: And this was very odd, because it was
13411: The middle of the night.
13412: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
13413: %
13414: The superfluous is very necessary.
13415: -- Voltaire
13416: %
13417: The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
13418: -- Mark Twain
13419: %
13420: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
13421: authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
13422: the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
13423: the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
13424: radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
13425: as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
13426: receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
13427: Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
13428: heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
13429: the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
13430: heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
13431: radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
13432: earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
13433: cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
13434: fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
13435: burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
13436: that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
13437: have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
13438: -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
13439: %
13440: The Third Law of Photography:
13441: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
13442: when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
13443: leaks out.
13444: %
13445: The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
13446:
13447: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
13448: The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
13449: even.
13450: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
13451: %
13452: The Three Major Kind of Tools
13453:
13454: * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
13455: jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
13456: manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
13457: bludgeons, and truncheons.)
13458:
13459: * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
13460:
13461: * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
13462: greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
13463: (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
13464: any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
13465: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
13466: %
13467: The trouble with a kitten is that
13468: When it grows up, it's always a cat
13469: -- Ogden Nash.
13470: %
13471: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
13472: %
13473: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
13474: it.
13475: -- Franklin P. Jones
13476: %
13477: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
13478: more important to do.
13479: %
13480: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
13481: appreciates how difficult it was.
13482: %
13483: The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
13484: -- Ken Kesey
13485: %
13486: The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
13487: -- Lenny Bruce
13488: %
13489: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
13490: vice versa.
13491: %
13492: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
13493: Which practically conceal its sex.
13494: I think it clever of the turtle
13495: In such a fix to be so fertile.
13496: -- Ogden Nash
13497: %
13498: "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
13499: stupidity."
13500: %
13501: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
13502: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
13503: -- Oscar Wilde
13504: %
13505: The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
13506: "100 percent American"...
13507: -- U. S. Army (1945)
13508: %
13509: The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
13510: everybody and still nobody likes him.
13511: -- Jim Samuels
13512: %
13513: The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
13514: broken.
13515: %
13516: The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
13517: combination is locked up in the safe.
13518: -- Peter DeVries
13519: %
13520: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
13521: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
13522: to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
13523: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
13524: %
13525: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
13526: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
13527: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
13528: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
13529: world put together.
13530: -- Sir Peter Medawar
13531: %
13532: The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
13533: regarded as a criminal offense.
13534: -- E. W. Dijkstra
13535: %
13536: The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
13537: the worst cigars.
13538: -- H. L. Mencken
13539: %
13540: The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
13541: prejudice.
13542: -- Mark Twain
13543: %
13544: The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
13545: Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
13546: to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
13547: be one of the facts that needs altering.
13548: -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
13549: %
13550: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
13551: %
13552: "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
13553: it's just a tired feeling:"
13554: %
13555: The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
13556: %
13557: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
13558: that would be clearly understood."
13559: -- Alexander Haig
13560: %
13561: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
13562: with a large fortune."
13563: %
13564: The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
13565: Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
13566: It must have blown through someone's feet,
13567: Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
13568: -- P. Opus
13569: %
13570: THE WOMBAT
13571:
13572: The wombat lives across the seas,
13573: Among the far Antipodes.
13574: He may exist on nuts and berries,
13575: Or then again, on missionaries;
13576: His distant habitat precludes
13577: Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
13578: But I would not engage the wombat
13579: In any form of mortal combat.
13580: %
13581: The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
13582: %
13583: The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
13584: %
13585: The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
13586: %
13587: The world's as ugly as sin,
13588: And almost as delightful
13589: -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
13590: %
13591: The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
13592: four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
13593: the answers.
13594: %
13595: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
13596:
13597: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
13598: then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
13599: market.
13600:
13601: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
13602: not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
13603:
13604: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
13605: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
13606: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
13607: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
13608: %
13609: Then here's to the City of Boston,
13610: The town of the cries and the groans.
13611: Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
13612: And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
13613: -- Franklin Pierce Adams
13614: %
13615: THEORY
13616: Into love and out again,
13617: Thus I went and thus I go.
13618: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
13619: Well and bitterly I know
13620: All the songs were ever sung,
13621: All the words were ever said;
13622: Could it be, when I was young,
13623: Someone dropped me on my head?
13624: -- Dorothy Parker
13625: %
13626: There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
13627: %
13628: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
13629: and praiseworthy ...
13630: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13631: %
13632: There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
13633: cats.
13634: %
13635: There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
13636: are chosen correctly.
13637: %
13638: There are no games on this system.
13639: %
13640: There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
13641: existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
13642: marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
13643: engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
13644: obviously impossible.
13645: -- Richard Davisson
13646: %
13647: There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
13648: truth without lying.
13649: %
13650: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
13651: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
13652: -- Gloria Steinem
13653: %
13654: There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
13655: someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
13656: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
13657: Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
13658: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
13659: this?
13660: Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
13661: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
13662: can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
13663: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
13664: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
13665: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
13666: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
13667: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13668: %
13669: "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
13670: plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
13671: and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
13672: don't we all?"
13673: %
13674: "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
13675: and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
13676: pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
13677: them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
13678: stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
13679: intelligence."
13680: -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
13681: %
13682: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
13683: -- Disraeli
13684: %
13685: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
13686: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
13687: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
13688: %
13689: There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
13690: offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
13691: a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
13692: of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
13693: affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
13694: When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
13695: Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
13696: -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
13697: %
13698: "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
13699: engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
13700: the more certain."
13701: -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
13702: %
13703: There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
13704: the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
13705: facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
13706: fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
13707: Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
13708: Factor; that's engineering.
13709: %
13710: There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
13711: can't remember.
13712: -- Italo Svevo
13713: %
13714: There are three ways to get something done:
13715: (1) Do it yourself.
13716: (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
13717: (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
13718: %
13719: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
13720: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
13721: %
13722: There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
13723: one of them.
13724: %
13725: There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
13726: the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
13727: sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
13728: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
13729: %
13730: There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
13731: sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
13732: -- Woody Allen
13733: %
13734: "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
13735: make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
13736: other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
13737: deficiencies."
13738: -- C. A. R. Hoare
13739: %
13740: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
13741: other is to read Pope."
13742: -- Oscar Wilde
13743: %
13744: There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
13745: works.
13746: %
13747: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
13748: suitable application of high explosives.
13749: %
13750: There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
13751: -- R. W. Gerard
13752: %
13753: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
13754: -- Henry Kissinger
13755: %
13756: There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
13757: than 100.
13758: -- Steele's Law
13759: %
13760: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
13761: nothing about.
13762: %
13763: There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
13764: opinion.
13765: -- Anatole France
13766: %
13767: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
13768: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
13769: %
13770: There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
13771: %
13772: There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
13773: tied during the month of April.
13774: %
13775: There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
13776: -- Walt Disney
13777: %
13778: "There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
13779: Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
13780: love of the Fatherland."
13781: -- Adolf Hitler
13782: %
13783: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
13784: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
13785: inexplicable."
13786:
13787: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
13788: -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
13789: %
13790: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
13791: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
13792: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
13793: inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
13794: already happened.
13795: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13796: %
13797: "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
13798: vacuum."
13799: -- Arthur C. Clarke
13800: %
13801: There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
13802: -- Mark Twain
13803: %
13804: There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
13805: tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
13806: abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
13807: war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
13808: of course.
13809: -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
13810: %
13811: "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
13812: home."
13813: -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
13814: Convention, 1977
13815: %
13816: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
13817: -- G. B. Shaw
13818: %
13819: There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
13820: reflexes.
13821: %
13822: There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
13823: %
13824: There is no time like the pleasant.
13825: %
13826: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
13827: doing.
13828: %
13829: There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
13830: There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
13831: %
13832: "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
13833: said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
13834: a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
13835: question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
13836: there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
13837: the middle of the night?'"
13838: %
13839: There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
13840: ocean level wouldn't cure.
13841: -- Ross MacDonald
13842: %
13843: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
13844: that is not being talked about.
13845: -- Oscar Wilde
13846: %
13847: There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
13848: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
13849: -- Mark Twain
13850: %
13851: There once was a girl named Irene
13852: Who lived on distilled kerosene
13853: But she started absorbin'
13854: A new hydrocarbon
13855: And since then has never benzene.
13856: %
13857: There once was a member of Mensa
13858: Who was a most excellent fencer.
13859: The sword that he used
13860: Was his -- (line is refused,
13861: And has now been removed by the censor).
13862: %
13863: There once was an old man from Esser,
13864: Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
13865: It at last grew so small,
13866: He knew nothing at all,
13867: And now he's a College Professor.
13868: %
13869: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
13870: it."
13871: -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
13872: %
13873: There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
13874: left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
13875: Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
13876: started debating who should be allowed to stay.
13877:
13878: The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
13879: over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
13880: would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
13881: said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
13882: thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
13883: votes.
13884: %
13885: There was a young lady from Hyde
13886: Who ate a green apple and died.
13887: While her lover lamented
13888: The apple fermented
13889: And made cider inside her inside.
13890: %
13891: There was a young man who said "God,
13892: I find it exceedingly odd,
13893: That the willow oak tree
13894: Continues to be,
13895: When there's no one about in the Quad."
13896:
13897: "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
13898: For I'm always about in the Quad;
13899: And that's why the tree,
13900: Continues to be,"
13901: Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
13902: %
13903: There was a young poet named Dan,
13904: Whose poetry never would scan.
13905: When told this was so,
13906: He said, "Yes, I know.
13907: %
13908: There was a young poet named Dan,
13909: Whose poetry never would scan.
13910: When told this was so,
13911: He said, "Yes, I know.
13912: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
13913: %
13914: "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
13915: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
13916: talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
13917: during the trial."
13918: -- David Letterman
13919: %
13920: There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
13921: the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
13922: digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
13923: 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
13924: transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
13925: stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
13926: feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
13927: systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
13928: first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
13929: satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
13930: telephone business?
13931: %
13932: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
13933: a fence.
13934: %
13935: There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
13936: %
13937: There's little in taking or giving,
13938: There's little in water or wine:
13939: This living, this living, this living,
13940: Was never a project of mine.
13941: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
13942: The gain of the one at the top,
13943: For art is a form of catharsis,
13944: And love is a permanent flop,
13945: And work is the province of cattle,
13946: And rest's for a clam in a shell,
13947: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
13948: Would you kindly direct me to hell?
13949: -- Dorothy Parker
13950: %
13951: There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
13952: whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
13953: -- Walt Kelly
13954: %
13955: There's no future in time travel
13956: %
13957: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
13958: -- Dr. Who
13959: %
13960: There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
13961: any worse.
13962: %
13963: There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
13964: %
13965: There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
13966: working for you.
13967: -- Will Rodgers
13968: %
13969: "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
13970: armadillos."
13971: -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
13972: %
13973: "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
13974: aggravate."
13975: %
13976: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
13977: what it is I'll get married again.
13978: -- Clint Eastwood
13979: %
13980: There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
13981: becoming an endangered synthetic.
13982: -- Lily Tomlin
13983: %
13984: "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
13985: "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
13986: "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
13987: out of MEGATON MAN!"
13988: %
13989: These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
13990: used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
13991: %
13992: They also surf who only stand on waves.
13993: %
13994: "They make a desert and call it peace."
13995: -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
13996: %
13997: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
13998: always spell better than they pronounce.
13999: -- Mark Twain
14000: %
14001: "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
14002: safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
14003: -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
14004: %
14005: "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
14006: %
14007: They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
14008: About a month before. Their hair began to curl
14009: The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
14010: But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
14011:
14012: He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
14013: To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
14014: And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
14015: The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
14016:
14017: My notion was to start again
14018: Ignoring all they'd done
14019: We quickly turned it into code
14020: To see if it would run.
14021: %
14022: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
14023: %
14024: "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
14025: to like."
14026: -- Avon
14027: %
14028: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
14029: %
14030: Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
14031: %
14032: Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
14033: %
14034: Think honk if you're a telepath.
14035: %
14036: Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
14037: %
14038: Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
14039: crashes.
14040: %
14041: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
14042: %
14043: "Thirty days hath Septober,
14044: April, June, and no wonder.
14045: all the rest have peanut butter
14046: except my father who wears red suspenders."
14047: %
14048: This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
14049: %
14050: This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
14051: please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
14052: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
14053: something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
14054: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
14055: %
14056: This fortune intentionally not included.
14057: %
14058: This fortune is false.
14059: %
14060: This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
14061: %
14062: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
14063: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
14064: keys ..."
14065: %
14066: "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
14067: DOG."
14068: -- Bob Violence
14069: %
14070: "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
14071: actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
14072: %
14073: This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
14074: because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
14075: which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
14076: "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
14077: consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
14078: rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
14079: oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
14080: Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
14081: over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
14082: innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
14083: passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
14084: amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
14085: apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
14086: and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
14087: -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
14088: %
14089: This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
14090: %
14091: This is for all ill-treated fellows
14092: Unborn and unbegot,
14093: For them to read when they're in trouble
14094: And I am not.
14095: -- A. E. Housman
14096: %
14097: "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
14098: to one."
14099: -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
14100: %
14101: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
14102: %
14103: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
14104:
14105: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
14106: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
14107: without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
14108: contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
14109: can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
14110: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
14111: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
14112: and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
14113: "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
14114: you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
14115: Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
14116: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
14117: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
14118: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
14119: %
14120: This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
14121: %
14122: This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
14123: power of computers:
14124:
14125: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
14126: the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
14127: minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
14128: results are that one should eat each day:
14129:
14130: 1/2 chicken
14131: 1 egg
14132: 1 glass of skim milk
14133: 27 heads of lettuce.
14134: -- Rev. Adrian Melott
14135: %
14136: This is the story of the bee
14137: Whose sex is very hard to see
14138:
14139: You cannot tell the he from the she
14140: But she can tell, and so can he
14141:
14142: The little bee is never still
14143: She has no time to take the pill
14144:
14145: And that is why, in times like these
14146: There are so many sons of bees.
14147: %
14148: This is your fortune.
14149: %
14150: This land is full of trousers!
14151: this land is full of mausers!
14152: And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
14153: -- Firesign Theater
14154: %
14155: This land is made of mountains,
14156: This land is made of mud,
14157: This land has lots of everything,
14158: For me and Elmer Fudd.
14159:
14160: This land has lots of trousers,
14161: This land has lots of mousers,
14162: And pussycats to eat them
14163: When the sun goes down.
14164: %
14165: This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
14166: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
14167: to go.
14168: %
14169: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
14170: %
14171: This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
14172: great force.
14173: -- Dorothy Parker
14174: %
14175: This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
14176: the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
14177: solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
14178: largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
14179: which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
14180: paper that were unhappy.
14181: -- Douglas Adams
14182: %
14183: "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
14184: something child-like."
14185: -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
14186: %
14187: This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
14188: student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
14189:
14190: One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
14191: Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
14192: computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
14193: which identifies errors in the original program.
14194: %
14195: This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
14196: -- Hofstadter
14197: %
14198: ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
14199: as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
14200: determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
14201: buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
14202: couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
14203: weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
14204: they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
14205: restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
14206: excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
14207: off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
14208: a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
14209: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
14210: %
14211: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
14212: it.
14213: %
14214: Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
14215: rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
14216: than he does.
14217: As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
14218: it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
14219: sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
14220: consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
14221: being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
14222: The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
14223: do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
14224: honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
14225: be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
14226: relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
14227: Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
14228: This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
14229: -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
14230: from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
14231: and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
14232: %
14233: Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
14234: of us who do.
14235: %
14236: Those who can't write, write manuals.
14237: %
14238: Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
14239: %
14240: "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
14241: -- French Proverb
14242: %
14243: Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
14244: -- Henry Spencer
14245: %
14246: Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
14247: for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
14248: -- Aristotle
14249: %
14250: Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
14251: surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
14252: -- Mark B. Cohen
14253: %
14254: Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
14255: %
14256: Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
14257: revolution inevitable.
14258: -- John F. Kennedy
14259: %
14260: Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
14261: men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
14262: without the roar of its many waters.
14263: -- Frederick Douglass
14264: %
14265: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
14266: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
14267: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
14268: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
14269: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
14270: more about the matter than the others.
14271: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14272: %
14273: Time flies like an arrow
14274: Fruit flies like a banana
14275: %
14276: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
14277: %
14278: Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
14279: -- Ford Prefect
14280: %
14281: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
14282: once.
14283: %
14284: 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
14285: Before his life is done,
14286: To write three lines of APL,
14287: And make the damn things run.
14288: %
14289: (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
14290: Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
14291: Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
14292: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
14293: Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
14294: Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
14295: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
14296: And we've also found Just flip one switch
14297: When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
14298: You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
14299: in a flash.
14300: Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
14301: Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
14302: And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
14303: %
14304: To A Quick Young Fox:
14305: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
14306: Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
14307: Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
14308: Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
14309: -- Lazy Dog
14310: %
14311: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
14312: %
14313: To be is to do.
14314: -- I. Kant
14315: To do is to be.
14316: -- A. Sartre
14317: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
14318: -- F. Flinstone
14319: %
14320: "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
14321: this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
14322: offer in response is based on information available to make no such
14323: statement."
14324: %
14325: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
14326: call it the target.
14327: %
14328: To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
14329: %
14330: "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
14331: %
14332: To err is human, to moo bovine.
14333: %
14334: To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
14335: -- B. Duggan
14336: %
14337: To generalize is to be an idiot.
14338: -- William Blake
14339: %
14340: To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
14341: men, two of them absent.
14342: %
14343: To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
14344: -- Thomas Edison
14345: %
14346: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
14347: %
14348: To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
14349: %
14350: To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
14351: a test load.
14352: %
14353: To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
14354: system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
14355: inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
14356: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
14357: uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
14358: well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
14359: of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
14360: secure ecological niche.
14361: -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
14362: %
14363: To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
14364: telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
14365: computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
14366: in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
14367: lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
14368:
14369: Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
14370: suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
14371: computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
14372: one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
14373: break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
14374: incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
14375: an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
14376: pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
14377: loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
14378: and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
14379: -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
14380: Phones?"
14381: %
14382: "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
14383: %
14384: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
14385: -- Woody Allen
14386: %
14387: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
14388: %
14389: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
14390: %
14391: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
14392: %
14393: Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
14394: %
14395: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
14396: %
14397: Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
14398:
14399: And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
14400: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
14401: %
14402: "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
14403: cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
14404: spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
14405: -- Bob & Ray
14406: %
14407: "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
14408: except in major motion pictures."
14409: -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
14410: %
14411: Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
14412: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
14413: creating endless annoyance to male users.
14414: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14415: %
14416: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
14417: %
14418: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
14419: %
14420: Too clever is dumb.
14421: -- Ogden Nash
14422: %
14423: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
14424: -- Mae West
14425: %
14426: Too much of everything is just enough.
14427: -- Bob Wier
14428: %
14429: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
14430: briefcases.
14431: -- Governor Jerry Brown
14432: %
14433: Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
14434: earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
14435: As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
14436: Please...
14437:
14438: CONSERVE GRAVITY
14439:
14440: Follow these simple suggestions:
14441:
14442: (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
14443: (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
14444: (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
14445: curling.
14446: (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
14447: (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
14448: pile.
14449: (6) Stop flipping pancakes
14450: %
14451: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
14452: %
14453: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
14454: in eucalyptus trees.
14455: %
14456: Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
14457: intelligence.
14458: -- Henrik Tikkanen
14459: %
14460: Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
14461: -- Mark Twain
14462: %
14463: Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
14464: %
14465: Truthful, adj.:
14466: Dumb and illiterate.
14467: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14468: %
14469: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
14470: -- Charles Schulz
14471: %
14472: Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
14473: good.
14474: %
14475: Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
14476: is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
14477: in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
14478: pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
14479: defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
14480: absolutely perfect future.
14481: -- Amrom Katz
14482: %
14483: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
14484: %
14485: Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
14486: specification is that it should run noiselessly.
14487: %
14488: Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
14489: -- Alan Watts
14490: %
14491: Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
14492: %
14493: Turnaucka's Law:
14494: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
14495: electrical cord.
14496: %
14497: Tussman's Law:
14498: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
14499: %
14500: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
14501: -- Frank Lloyd Wright
14502: %
14503: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
14504: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
14505: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
14506: And Cory raths outgrabe.
14507:
14508: "Beware the software rot, my son!
14509: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
14510: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
14511: The frumious system crash!"
14512: %
14513: 'Twas the Night before Crisis
14514:
14515: 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
14516: Not a program was working not even a browse.
14517: The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
14518: Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
14519: The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
14520: While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
14521: When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
14522: I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
14523: And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
14524: But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
14525: More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
14526: And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
14527: On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
14528: On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
14529: His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
14530: From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
14531: A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
14532: Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
14533: %
14534: 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
14535: preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
14536: throughout our place of residence,
14537: Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
14538: possessors of this potential, including that
14539: species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
14540: Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
14541: edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
14542: Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
14543: imminent visitation from an eccentric
14544: philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
14545: is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
14546: %
14547: Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
14548: -- Walt Kelly
14549: %
14550: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
14551: -- Howard Kandel
14552: %
14553: Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
14554: said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
14555: second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
14556: chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
14557: only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
14558: courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
14559: If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
14560: dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
14561: must pay three silver pieces."
14562: %
14563: Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
14564: %
14565: "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
14566: I forget the second."
14567: %
14568: Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
14569: %
14570: U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
14571: Run right up and rub its horn.
14572: Look at all those points you're losing!
14573: UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
14574: -- The Roguelet's ABC
14575: %
14576: "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
14577:
14578: (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
14579: -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
14580: %
14581: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
14582: %
14583: "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
14584:
14585: "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
14586: right?"
14587: -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
14588: %
14589: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
14590: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
14591: hammer or get a splinter in it.
14592: %
14593: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
14594: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
14595: hammmer or get a splinter in it.
14596: %
14597: Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
14598: just man is also a prison.
14599: -- Henry David Thoreau
14600: %
14601: Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
14602: just man is also in prison.
14603: -- Henry David Thoreau
14604: %
14605: Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
14606: can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
14607: %
14608: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
14609: Superiority is recessive.
14610: %
14611: Unfair animal names:
14612:
14613: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
14614: -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
14615: -- sapsucker -- Clarence
14616: -- Gary Larson
14617: %
14618: United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
14619: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
14620: all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
14621: all the patriots of every persuasion.
14622:
14623: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
14624: world.
14625: -- Isaac Asimov
14626: %
14627: Universe, n.:
14628: The problem.
14629: %
14630: University, n.:
14631: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
14632: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
14633: fix it, and ...
14634: %
14635: unix soit qui mal y pense
14636: %
14637: UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
14638: Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
14639: -- Andy Tannenbaum
14640: %
14641: Unnamed Law:
14642: If it happens, it must be possible.
14643: %
14644: Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
14645: twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
14646: -- H. L. Mencken
14647: %
14648: Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
14649: %
14650: User n.:
14651: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
14652: %
14653: USER, n.:
14654: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
14655: -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
14656: %
14657: Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
14658: -- S. C. Johnson
14659: %
14660: Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
14661: opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
14662: -- Doug Larson
14663: %
14664: Vail's Second Axiom:
14665: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
14666: amount of work already completed.
14667: %
14668: Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
14669: Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
14670: -- Tom Chapin
14671: %
14672: Van Roy's Law:
14673: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
14674: %
14675: Vanilla, adj.:
14676: Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
14677: very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
14678: extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
14679: "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
14680: and sour won ton soup.
14681: %
14682: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
14683: (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
14684: once.
14685: (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
14686: points.
14687: %
14688: Veni, Vidi, Visa.
14689: %
14690: "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
14691: year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
14692: reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
14693: artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
14694: moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
14695: Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
14696: entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
14697: sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
14698:
14699: "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
14700:
14701: "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
14702: good copy."
14703: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
14704: %
14705: Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
14706: %
14707: Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
14708: Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
14709: waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
14710: %
14711: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
14712: -- Salvor Hardin
14713: %
14714: Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
14715: yard.
14716: %
14717: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
14718: Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
14719: ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
14720: morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
14721: wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
14722: that old underwear you own.
14723: %
14724: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
14725: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
14726: sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
14727: sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
14728: drivers.
14729: %
14730: "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
14731: %
14732: Virtue is its own punishment.
14733: %
14734: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
14735: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
14736: %
14737: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
14738: %
14739: VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
14740: %
14741: Vote anarchist
14742: %
14743: Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
14744: TAX-DEFERRED!
14745: %
14746: VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
14747: %
14748:
14749: *** System shutdown message from root ***
14750:
14751: System going down in 60 seconds
14752:
14753:
14754: %
14755: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
14756: -- Mark Twain
14757: %
14758: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
14759: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
14760: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
14761: (Waiter exits, returns)
14762: Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
14763: %
14764: Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
14765: %
14766: War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
14767: -- Charles Edward Montague
14768: %
14769: War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
14770: %
14771: WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
14772:
14773: Firings will continue until morale improves.
14774: %
14775: WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
14776:
14777: Firings will continue until morale improves.
14778: %
14779: WARNING:
14780: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
14781: mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
14782: your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
14783: %
14784: Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
14785: those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
14786: up.
14787: -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
14788: %
14789: Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
14790: %
14791: Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
14792: -- John F. Kennedy
14793: %
14794: Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
14795: %
14796: Wasting time is an important part of living.
14797: %
14798: Watson's Law:
14799: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
14800: number and significance of any persons watching it.
14801: %
14802: We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
14803: divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
14804: correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
14805: -- Niels Bohr
14806: %
14807: We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
14808: -- Oscar Wilde
14809: %
14810: We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
14811: -- Winston Churchill
14812: %
14813: We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
14814: -- Whole Earth Catalog
14815: %
14816: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
14817: -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
14818: %
14819: We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
14820: socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
14821: bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
14822: socialism?
14823: -- Fidel Castro
14824: %
14825: "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
14826: theorem."
14827: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
14828: %
14829: "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
14830: -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
14831: %
14832: We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
14833: %
14834: We can predict everything, except the future.
14835: %
14836: We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
14837: deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
14838: -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
14839: %
14840: "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
14841: -- Vroomfondel
14842: %
14843: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
14844: %
14845: We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
14846: fish.
14847: %
14848: We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
14849: hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
14850: %
14851: We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
14852: -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
14853: %
14854: "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
14855: hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
14856: mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
14857: our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
14858: -- Monty Python
14859: %
14860: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
14861: -- Walt Kelly
14862: %
14863: We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
14864: back to normal, and that they already have.
14865: %
14866: "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
14867: hands for masturbation."
14868: -- Lily Tomlin
14869: %
14870: We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
14871: official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
14872: Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
14873: you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
14874: said "ELECTROCUTION".
14875:
14876: Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
14877: teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
14878: process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
14879: couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
14880: out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
14881: stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
14882: floor, which is how the police would find you.
14883:
14884: You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
14885: -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
14886: %
14887: We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
14888: purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
14889: with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
14890: playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
14891: best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
14892: buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
14893: -- Alan M. Turing
14894: %
14895: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
14896: respect their good judgement.
14897: %
14898: We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
14899: no matter how self-seeking.
14900: -- F. G. Withington
14901: %
14902: We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
14903: people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
14904: For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
14905: to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
14906: fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
14907: primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
14908: ugly paneling is to begin with.
14909: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
14910: %
14911: We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
14912: friends are trying to kill us.
14913: %
14914: We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
14915: But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
14916: Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
14917: I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
14918: her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
14919: had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
14920: told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
14921: lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
14922: fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
14923: what men must do. ...
14924: "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
14925: sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
14926: not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
14927: quiet and peace I will never forget.
14928: "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
14929: tollway belle's for thee."
14930: The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
14931: a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
14932: poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
14933: -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
14934: Competition
14935: %
14936: We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
14937: technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
14938: %
14939: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
14940: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
14941: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
14942: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
14943: in the end a summer with wild winds &
14944: new friends will be.
14945: %
14946: We wish you a Hare Krishna
14947: We wish you a Hare Krishna
14948: We wish you a Hare Krishna
14949: And a Sun Myung Moon!
14950: -- Maxwell Smart
14951: %
14952: "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
14953: %
14954: We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
14955: the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
14956: you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
14957: in his bowl full of jelly.
14958: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
14959: %
14960: We're only in it for the volume.
14961: -- Black Sabbath
14962: %
14963: We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
14964: of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
14965: but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
14966: -- Andy Rooney
14967: %
14968: Weiler's Law:
14969: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
14970: himself.
14971: %
14972: Weinberg's First Law:
14973: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
14974: %
14975: Weinberg's Principle:
14976: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
14977: sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
14978: %
14979: Weinberg's Second Law:
14980: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
14981: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
14982: %
14983: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
14984: There are no answers, only cross references.
14985: %
14986: Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
14987: you run out of food.
14988: -- Dean McLaughlin.
14989: %
14990: Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
14991: lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
14992: governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
14993: reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
14994: contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
14995: will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
14996: most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
14997: appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
14998: morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
14999: interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
15000: guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
15001: the entire show without answering a single question ...
15002: -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
15003: %
15004: Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
15005: back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
15006: or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
15007: they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
15008: -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
15009: %
15010: "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
15011: you believe?!"
15012: -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
15013: %
15014: Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
15015: And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
15016: I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
15017: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15018:
15019: If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
15020: Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
15021: 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
15022: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15023:
15024: On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
15025: But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
15026: Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
15027: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15028: -- Core Dumped Blues
15029: %
15030: "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
15031:
15032: "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
15033: coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
15034: -- Dr. Who
15035: %
15036: "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
15037: no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
15038: hundred."
15039: -- The Mahabharata.
15040: %
15041: Westheimer's Discovery:
15042: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
15043: couple of hours in the library.
15044: %
15045: Wethern's Law:
15046: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
15047: %
15048: "What are we going to do?"
15049:
15050: "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
15051: something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
15052: short initiation period."
15053: %
15054: "What are you doing?"
15055:
15056: "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
15057: that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
15058: initiation period."
15059: %
15060: What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
15061: %
15062: "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
15063: teenager asked her mother.
15064: "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
15065: %
15066: What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
15067: %
15068: What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
15069: %
15070: What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
15071: %
15072: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
15073: %
15074: "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
15075: that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
15076: country. Nice try anyway, George."
15077: -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
15078: %
15079: What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
15080: entrance?
15081: %
15082: What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
15083: in his footsteps?
15084: %
15085: What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
15086: stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
15087: barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
15088: from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
15089: while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
15090: dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
15091: powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
15092: bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
15093: one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
15094: lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
15095: you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
15096: if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
15097: that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
15098: they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
15099: flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
15100: -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
15101: %
15102: What I tell you three times is true.
15103: %
15104: "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
15105: sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
15106: with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
15107: came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
15108: parties.
15109: -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
15110: %
15111: What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
15112: %
15113: "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
15114: -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
15115: %
15116: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
15117: definitely overpaid for my carpet.
15118: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15119: %
15120: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
15121: worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
15122: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15123: %
15124: What is a magician but a practising theorist?
15125: -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
15126: %
15127: What is mind? No matter.
15128: What is matter? Never mind.
15129: -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
15130: %
15131: What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
15132: computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
15133: and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
15134: %
15135: "What is the Nature of God?"
15136:
15137: CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
15138: 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
15139: 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
15140: 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
15141: STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
15142:
15143: "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
15144: -- Bloom County
15145: %
15146: "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
15147: -- Bertold Brecht
15148: %
15149: "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
15150: which is the exact opposite."
15151: -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
15152: %
15153: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
15154: %
15155: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
15156: to compare it with.
15157: %
15158: What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
15159: It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
15160: and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
15161: and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
15162: women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
15163: mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
15164: and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
15165: -- Susan Gordon
15166: %
15167: What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
15168: -- Ursula K. LeGuin
15169: %
15170: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
15171: %
15172: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
15173: %
15174: What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
15175: %
15176: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
15177: bagel.
15178: %
15179: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
15180: %
15181: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
15182: %
15183: What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
15184: %
15185: What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
15186: %
15187: What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
15188: %
15189: What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
15190: %
15191: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
15192: -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
15193: %
15194: What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
15195: nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
15196: Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
15197: launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
15198: remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
15199: process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
15200: be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
15201: -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
15202: %
15203: What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
15204: %
15205: "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
15206: -- Steven Wright
15207: %
15208: "What's that thing?"
15209: "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
15210: computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
15211: it does. We call it a two-by-four."
15212: -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
15213: %
15214: "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
15215: -- Dr. Who
15216: %
15217: "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
15218: -- The Doctor
15219: %
15220: Whatever became of eternal truth?
15221: %
15222: Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
15223: cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
15224: as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
15225: hundred dollar bills."
15226: -- Herb Caen
15227: %
15228: Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
15229: nailed down.
15230: -- Collis P. Huntingdon
15231: %
15232: "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
15233: cockroaches!"
15234: -- Mom
15235: %
15236: When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
15237: money is.
15238: -- Robespierre
15239: %
15240: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
15241: thing," it's the money.
15242: -- Kim Hubbard
15243: %
15244: When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
15245: loop?
15246: %
15247: When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
15248: not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
15249: travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
15250: -- Robert Heinlein
15251: %
15252: When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
15253: sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
15254: relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
15255: -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
15256: Maintenance"
15257: %
15258: When all other means of communication fail, try words.
15259: %
15260: "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
15261: tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
15262: -- Reuben Flagg
15263: %
15264: When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
15265: the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
15266: -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
15267: %
15268: When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
15269: think it was a Tuesday.
15270: %
15271: When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
15272: guarantee them.
15273: %
15274: "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
15275: parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
15276: I'm leaving."
15277: -- Steven Wright
15278: %
15279: When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
15280: year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
15281: winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
15282: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
15283: %
15284: When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
15285: ladies, and, of course, the goat.
15286: %
15287: When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
15288: I'm beginning to believe it.
15289: -- Clarence Darrow
15290: %
15291: When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
15292: take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
15293: and get you."
15294: -- Jerry Lewis
15295: %
15296: "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
15297: firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
15298: -- Steven Wright
15299: %
15300: When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
15301: the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
15302: -- Woody Allen
15303: %
15304: When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
15305: act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
15306: group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
15307: six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
15308: together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
15309: Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
15310: responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
15311: establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
15312: been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
15313: together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
15314: -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
15315: %
15316: When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
15317: or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
15318: cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
15319: go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
15320: -- Mark Twain
15321: %
15322: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
15323: %
15324: "When in doubt, tell the truth."
15325: -- Mark Twain
15326: %
15327: When in doubt, use brute force.
15328: -- Ken Thompson
15329: %
15330: When in panic, fear and doubt,
15331: Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
15332: %
15333: When love is gone, there's always justice.
15334: And when justice is gone, there's always force.
15335: And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
15336: Hi, Mom!
15337: -- Laurie Anderson
15338: %
15339: When Marriage is Outlawed,
15340: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
15341: %
15342: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
15343: results.
15344: -- Calvin Coolidge
15345: %
15346: When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
15347: concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
15348: and I find I mind it less and less."
15349: -- Louise Andrews Kent
15350: %
15351: When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
15352: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
15353: your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
15354: -- Daniel B. Luten
15355: %
15356: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
15357: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
15358: %
15359: "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
15360: -- Jon Carroll
15361: %
15362: When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
15363: modify the problem, not the remedy.
15364: %
15365: When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
15366: the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
15367: nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
15368: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15369: %
15370: When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
15371: metaphysics.
15372: -- Voltaire
15373: %
15374: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
15375: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
15376: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
15377: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
15378: corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
15379: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
15380: %
15381: When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
15382: plane will fly.
15383: -- Donald Douglas
15384: %
15385: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
15386: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
15387: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
15388: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
15389: -- George Bernard Shaw
15390: %
15391: When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
15392: not hereditary.
15393: -- Thomas Paine
15394: %
15395: When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
15396: except our fingertips will have been singed.
15397: -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
15398: %
15399: When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
15400: investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
15401: so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
15402: swayed, directly to the goal.
15403: -- Amrom Katz
15404: %
15405: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
15406: %
15407: When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
15408: %
15409: When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
15410: -- Harry Truman
15411: %
15412: When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
15413: clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
15414: to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
15415: In a way, the next move is up to him.
15416: -- R. A. Lafferty
15417: %
15418: "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
15419: -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
15420: %
15421: When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
15422: asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
15423: know the answer either.
15424: -- Edgar R. Fiedler
15425: %
15426: When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
15427: -- The Wall Street Journal
15428: %
15429: When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
15430: impression you will make.
15431: %
15432: When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
15433: Wretched, bored, dejected; only
15434: Here's the rub, my darling dear
15435: I feel the same when you are near.
15436: -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
15437: %
15438: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
15439: %
15440: Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
15441: -- Dave Parnas
15442: %
15443: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
15444: see it tried on him personally.
15445: -- A. Lincoln
15446: %
15447: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
15448: -- Oscar Wilde
15449: %
15450: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
15451: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
15452: Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
15453: -- Mark Twain
15454: "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
15455: %
15456: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
15457: to reform.
15458: -- Mark Twain
15459: %
15460: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
15461:
15462: Oh, dear, where can the matter be
15463: When it's converted to energy?
15464: There is a slight loss of parity.
15465: Johnny's so long at the fair.
15466: %
15467: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
15468: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
15469: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
15470: %
15471: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
15472: %
15473: Whether you can hear it or not
15474: The Universe is laughing behind your back
15475: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
15476: %
15477: Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
15478: %
15479: While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
15480: admission to someone else.
15481: %
15482: While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
15483: The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
15484: While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
15485: And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
15486: Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
15487: The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
15488: -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
15489: November 26, 1792
15490: %
15491: While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
15492: %
15493: While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
15494: keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
15495: -- Edward Stevenson
15496: %
15497: While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
15498: form of misery.
15499: %
15500: While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
15501: position.
15502: %
15503: While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
15504: correctness never does.
15505: %
15506: While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
15507: reassuring to know that it's still there.
15508: %
15509: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
15510: safe, for you can watch both of his.
15511: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15512: %
15513: Whistler's Law:
15514: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
15515: charge.
15516: %
15517: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
15518: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
15519: %
15520: Who made the world I cannot tell;
15521: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
15522: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
15523: I never soiled with such a deed.
15524: -- A. E. Housman
15525: %
15526: Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
15527: %
15528: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
15529: %
15530: Who's on first?
15531: %
15532: "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
15533: -- George Ade
15534: %
15535: Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
15536: %
15537: Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
15538: %
15539: "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
15540: have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
15541: -- Ian Shoales
15542: %
15543: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
15544: -- Bertold Brecht
15545: %
15546: Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
15547: have?
15548: %
15549: Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
15550: %
15551: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
15552: avoid responsibility with?
15553: %
15554: Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
15555: automation?
15556: %
15557: Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
15558: %
15559: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
15560: there must be a beverage.
15561: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15562: %
15563: Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
15564: more lawyers?
15565:
15566: New Jersey had first choice.
15567: %
15568: Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
15569:
15570: Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
15571: %
15572: Why I Can't Go Out With You:
15573:
15574: I'd LOVE to, but ...
15575: -- I have to floss my cat.
15576: -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
15577: -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
15578: -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
15579: -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
15580: -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
15581: -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
15582: -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
15583: -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
15584: -- I have some really hard words to look up.
15585: -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
15586: -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
15587: %
15588: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
15589: because we are not the person involved"
15590: -- Mark Twain
15591: %
15592: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
15593: %
15594: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
15595: -- Lily Tomlin
15596: %
15597: "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
15598: you knowing nothing?"
15599: -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
15600: %
15601: Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
15602: Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
15603: children open their old-fashioned presents.
15604:
15605: Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
15606:
15607: You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
15608: falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
15609:
15610: Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
15611: with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
15612: and I get this cretin TOP?"
15613:
15614: Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
15615:
15616: You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
15617:
15618: Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
15619: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
15620: %
15621: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
15622: -- Oscar Wilde
15623: %
15624: Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
15625: No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
15626: when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
15627: direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
15628: -- John L. Shelton
15629: %
15630: Wiker's Law:
15631: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
15632: %
15633: William Safire's Rules for Writers:
15634:
15635: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
15636: be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
15637: agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
15638: out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
15639: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
15640: not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
15641: conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
15642: sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
15643: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
15644: words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
15645: must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
15646: linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
15647: metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
15648: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
15649: writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
15650: the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
15651: viable alternatives.
15652: %
15653: Williams and Holland's Law:
15654: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
15655: statistical methods.
15656: %
15657: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
15658: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
15659: %
15660: Wit, n.:
15661: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
15662: ... by leaving it out.
15663: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15664: %
15665: With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
15666: try to be a fraud and a half.
15667: -- Otto von Bismark
15668: %
15669: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
15670: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
15671: %
15672: With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
15673: build a nuclear balm?
15674: %
15675: With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
15676: miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
15677: still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
15678: such thing as progress.
15679: -- Ransom K. Ferm
15680: %
15681: Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
15682: %
15683: Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
15684: (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
15685: (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
15686: (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
15687: (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
15688: VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
15689: (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
15690: -- Rich Kulawiec
15691: %
15692: Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
15693: you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
15694: down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
15695: tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
15696: long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
15697: there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
15698: come back.
15699:
15700: Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
15701: when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
15702: Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
15703: cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
15704: heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
15705: beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
15706: and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
15707: although their insurance rates went way up.
15708: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
15709: %
15710: Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
15711: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
15712: any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
15713: should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
15714: and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
15715: bargained for.
15716: %
15717: Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
15718: chairs.
15719: %
15720: World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
15721: dress code!
15722: %
15723: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
15724: August. The lines are the shortest, though.
15725: -- Steve Rubenstein
15726: %
15727: Worst Month of the Year:
15728: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
15729: you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
15730: get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
15731: -- Steve Rubenstein
15732: %
15733: Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
15734: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
15735: in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
15736: damage my videotapes?"
15737: %
15738: Worst Vegetable of the Year:
15739: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
15740: year.
15741: -- Steve Rubenstein
15742: %
15743: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
15744:
15745: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
15746: -- Lewis Carrol
15747: %
15748: "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
15749: and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
15750: if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
15751: and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
15752: and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
15753: %
15754: Write-Protect Tab, n.:
15755: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
15756: left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
15757: message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
15758: momentary inconvenience.
15759: -- Robb Russon
15760: %
15761: Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
15762: -- Frank Zappa
15763: %
15764: "Wrong," said Renner.
15765:
15766: "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
15767: the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
15768: %
15769: X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
15770: imagination is the plot.
15771: %
15772: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
15773: %
15774: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
15775: %
15776: XIIdigitation, n.:
15777: The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
15778: by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
15779: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
15780: %
15781: "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
15782: goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
15783: their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
15784: unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
15785: doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
15786: -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
15787: %
15788: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
15789: fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
15790: operators together.
15791: -- Steve Higgins
15792: %
15793: "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
15794: %
15795: Year, n.:
15796: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
15797: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15798: %
15799: Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
15800: %
15801: Yes, but which self do you want to be?
15802: %
15803: Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
15804: be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
15805: -- Snoopy
15806: %
15807: Yesterday upon the stair
15808: I met a man who wasn't there.
15809: He wasn't there again today --
15810: I think he's from the CIA.
15811: %
15812: Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
15813: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
15814: %
15815: Yinkel, n.:
15816: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
15817: will notice.
15818: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
15819: %
15820: You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
15821: %
15822: You are here:
15823: ***
15824: ***
15825: *********
15826: *******
15827: *****
15828: ***
15829: *
15830:
15831: But you're not all there.
15832: %
15833: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
15834: "All your papers these days look the same;
15835: Those William's would be better unread --
15836: Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
15837:
15838: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
15839: "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
15840: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
15841: Made it pointless to think any more."
15842: %
15843: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
15844: "And your hair has become very white;
15845: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
15846: Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
15847:
15848: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
15849: "I feared it might injure the brain;
15850: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
15851: Why, I do it again and again."
15852: -- Lewis Carrol
15853: %
15854: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
15855: That your lectures bore people to death.
15856: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
15857: Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
15858:
15859: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
15860: Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
15861: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
15862: Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
15863: %
15864: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
15865: For anything tougher than suet;
15866: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
15867: Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
15868:
15869: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
15870: And argued each case with my wife;
15871: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
15872: Has lasted the rest of my life."
15873: -- Lewis Carrol
15874: %
15875: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
15876: And there isn't one language you like;
15877: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
15878: Have you thought about taking a hike?"
15879:
15880: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
15881: "Every language looks equally bad;
15882: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
15883: And don't realize that they've been had."
15884: %
15885: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
15886: And have grown most uncommonly fat;
15887: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
15888: Pray what is the reason of that?"
15889:
15890: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
15891: "I kept all my limbs very supple
15892: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
15893: Allow me to sell you a couple?"
15894: -- Lewis Carrol
15895: %
15896: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
15897: And make errors few people could bear;
15898: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
15899: Do you really think this is quite fair?"
15900:
15901: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
15902: "But my stature these days is so great
15903: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
15904: And to stop me it's now far too late."
15905: %
15906: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
15907: That your eye was as steady as ever;
15908: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
15909: What made you so awfully clever?"
15910:
15911: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
15912: Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
15913: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
15914: Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
15915: -- Lewis Carrol
15916: %
15917: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
15918: %
15919: You are the only person to ever get this message.
15920: %
15921: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
15922: this sort of trash.
15923: %
15924: You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
15925: %
15926: You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
15927: incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
15928: Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
15929: to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
15930: nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
15931: they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
15932: some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
15933:
15934: The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
15935: pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
15936: safety glasses.
15937: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
15938: %
15939: "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
15940: doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
15941: -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
15942: %
15943: You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
15944: executive.
15945: %
15946: "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
15947: Why do you find that funny?"
15948: -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
15949: %
15950: You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
15951: can with just a kind word.
15952: -- Bumper Sticker
15953: %
15954: You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
15955: for instance.
15956: -- Franklin P. Jones
15957: %
15958: You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
15959: %
15960: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
15961: the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
15962: -- Alan Perlis
15963: %
15964: You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
15965: %
15966: You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
15967: decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
15968: over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
15969: -- F. Allen
15970: %
15971: You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
15972: supercomputers.
15973: -- Steven Feiner
15974: %
15975: You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
15976: %
15977: "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
15978: -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
15979: %
15980: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
15981: %
15982: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
15983: -- Steven Wright
15984: %
15985: You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
15986: -- Booker T. Washington
15987: %
15988: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
15989: %
15990: "You can't make a program without broken egos."
15991: %
15992: You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
15993: enough worrying about what's happening now.
15994: -- Lauren Bacall
15995: %
15996: "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
15997: -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
15998: Over and Over"
15999: %
16000: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
16001: don't."
16002: -- Dagwood Bumstead
16003: %
16004: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
16005: %
16006: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
16007: %
16008: You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
16009: %
16010: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
16011: and last month in advance.
16012: %
16013: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
16014: doubt.
16015: -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
16016: %
16017: You do not have mail.
16018: %
16019: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
16020: -- J. D. Salinger
16021: %
16022: You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
16023: needles.
16024: -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
16025: %
16026: You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
16027: The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
16028: which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
16029: tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
16030: names. Here's the complete text:
16031:
16032: "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
16033: "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
16034: "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
16035: send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
16036: THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
16037: household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
16038: you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
16039: NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
16040:
16041: The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
16042: money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
16043: form.
16044: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
16045: %
16046: You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
16047: %
16048: You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
16049:
16050: This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
16051:
16052: You are permanently confused.
16053: -- Dave Decot
16054: %
16055: You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
16056: metal objects which are not fastened down.
16057: %
16058: You have junk mail.
16059: %
16060: You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
16061: wrinkled.
16062: %
16063: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
16064: today.
16065: %
16066: You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
16067: you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
16068: %
16069: You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
16070: anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
16071: you can always change the channel.
16072: -- Jim Ignatowski
16073: %
16074: You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
16075: -- S. Rickly Christian
16076: %
16077: You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
16078: -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
16079: %
16080: You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
16081: friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
16082: %
16083: You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
16084: %
16085: "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
16086: airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
16087: deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
16088: when I was young!"
16089: "Why, what did she tell you?"
16090: "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
16091: -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
16092: %
16093: You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
16094: %
16095: You may be recognized soon. Hide.
16096: %
16097: You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
16098: is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
16099: -- Sydney Harris
16100: %
16101: You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
16102: him.
16103: -- Ed Howe
16104: %
16105: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
16106: -- Alfred Kahn
16107: %
16108: You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
16109: success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
16110: or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
16111: party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
16112: -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
16113: %
16114: You might have mail
16115: %
16116: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
16117: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
16118: %
16119: You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
16120: be dead.
16121: %
16122: You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
16123: reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
16124: the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
16125: independence.
16126: -- Charles A. Beard
16127: %
16128: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
16129: beach.
16130: %
16131: You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
16132: you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
16133: yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
16134: company.
16135: -- J. Wellington Wells
16136: %
16137: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
16138: %
16139: You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
16140: know how seldom they do.
16141: -- Olin Miller.
16142: %
16143: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
16144: if they are dead.
16145: %
16146: You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
16147: about 10^12 to 1.
16148: -- Ernest Rutherford
16149: %
16150: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
16151: freedom and liberty.
16152: -- Henrik Ibson
16153: %
16154: You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
16155: contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
16156: houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
16157: scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
16158: summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
16159: you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
16160: sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
16161: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
16162: %
16163: You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
16164: another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
16165: another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
16166: such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
16167: many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
16168: If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
16169: should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
16170: for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
16171: because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
16172: chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
16173:
16174: In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
16175: hemorrhoids.
16176: -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
16177: %
16178: "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
16179: plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
16180: -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
16181: %
16182: You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
16183: %
16184: YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
16185: PAPER SHUFFLING!
16186:
16187: Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
16188: a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
16189: really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
16190:
16191: Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
16192: to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
16193: make really big Zorkmids."
16194:
16195: MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
16196: you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
16197:
16198: SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
16199: %
16200: You too can wear a nose mitten.
16201: %
16202: You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
16203: %
16204: You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
16205: a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
16206: %
16207: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
16208: %
16209: You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
16210: %
16211: You will feel hungry again in another hour.
16212: %
16213: You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
16214: mayonnaise salesman.
16215: %
16216: You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
16217: Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
16218: parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
16219: -- Sherlock Holmes
16220: %
16221: You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
16222: %
16223: You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
16224: worry.
16225: %
16226: You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
16227: taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
16228: minute and a huff.
16229: -- Groucho Marx
16230: %
16231: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
16232: %
16233: You're at the end of the road again.
16234: %
16235: You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
16236: %
16237: You're never too old to become younger.
16238: -- Mae West
16239: %
16240: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
16241: -- Dean Martin
16242: %
16243: You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
16244: %
16245: You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
16246: %
16247: "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
16248: -- Gary Giddens
16249: %
16250: "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
16251:
16252: "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
16253: %
16254: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
16255: thing he tells you.
16256: %
16257: Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
16258: from enjoying it.
16259: %
16260: Your fault: core dumped
16261: %
16262: Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
16263: bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
16264: chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
16265: electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
16266: breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
16267: until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
16268: damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
16269: your fuses regularly.
16270: Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
16271: sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
16272: often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
16273: you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
16274: sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
16275: fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
16276: electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
16277: such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
16278: table, etc.
16279: -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
16280: %
16281: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
16282: %
16283: Your lucky color has faded.
16284: %
16285: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
16286: %
16287: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
16288: %
16289: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
16290: %
16291: "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
16292: -- Zippy the Pinhead
16293: %
16294: YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
16295: %
16296: Zero Defects, n.:
16297: The result of shutting down a production line.
16298: %
16299: Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
16300: since I first called my brother's father dad.
16301: -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
16302: %
16303: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
16304: People are always available for work in the past tense.
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