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1.1 root 1: A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
2: %
3: A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
4: %
5: A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
6: %
7: A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
8: with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
9: %
10: Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
11: %
12: All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
13: by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
14: %
15: All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
16: a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
17: WHY!!
18: %
19: All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
20: %
21: All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
22: %
23: All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
24: %
25: Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
26: %
27: Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
28: %
29: Am I elected yet?
30: %
31: Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
32: %
33: Am I SHOPLIFTING?
34: %
35: America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
36: your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
37: %
38: An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
39: %
40: An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
41: %
42: An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
43: %
44: And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
45: %
46: ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
47: MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
48: %
49: Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
50: %
51: Are we live or on tape?
52: %
53: Are we on STRIKE yet?
54: %
55: Are we THERE yet?
56: %
57: Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
58: %
59: Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
60: %
61: Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
62: %
63: Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
64: %
65: As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
66: %
67: Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
68: %
69: BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
70: %
71: Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
72: But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
73: %
74: BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
75: WAY" I've ever heard!!
76: %
77: Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
78: %
79: BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
80: %
81: BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
82: %
83: ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
84: %
85: Bo Derek ruined my life!
86: %
87: Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
88: %
89: Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
90: %
91: But they went to MARS around 1953!!
92: %
93: But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
94: %
95: Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
96: %
97: Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
98: %
99: Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
100: %
101: CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
102: %
103: Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
104: %
105: Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
106: %
107: Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
108: NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
109: LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
110: %
111: CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
112: DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
113: %
114: Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
115: TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
116: %
117: Could I have a drug overdose?
118: %
119: Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
120: a MALIBU HOT TUB?
121: %
122: Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
123: %
124: Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
125: %
126: Did I SELL OUT yet??
127: %
128: Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
129: %
130: Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
131: %
132: DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
133: %
134: Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
135: %
136: Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
137: straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
138: dollar!
139: %
140: Do I have a lifestyle yet?
141: %
142: Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
143: %
144: Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
145: %
146: Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
147: %
148: Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
149: %
150: Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
151: %
152: does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
153: %
154: DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
155: Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
156: %
157: Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
158: %
159: Don't SANFORIZE me!!
160: %
161: Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
162: FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
163: STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
164: %
165: Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
166: %
167: Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
168: %
169: Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
170: %
171: Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
172: %
173: Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
174: disaster Movie!!
175: %
176: Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
177: %
178: Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
179: OFFSET PRINTING?
180: %
181: FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
182: %
183: Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
184: dining room.
185: %
186: First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
187: just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
188: %
189: FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
190: %
191: for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
192: %
193: Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
194: gothic solarium!!
195: %
196: FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
197: %
198: FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
199: %
200: Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
201: satellite dish PAYMENTS!
202: %
203: Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
204: %
205: Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
206: %
207: Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
208: %
209: GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
210: pet LEISURE SUIT!!
211: %
212: HAIR TONICS, please!!
213: %
214: Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
215: %
216: Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
217: today!
218: %
219: Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
220: %
221: Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
222: time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
223: %
224: ... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
225: %
226: He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
227: %
228: He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
229: like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
230: PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
231: MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
232: %
233: HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
234: %
235: HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
236: %
237: Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
238: %
239: Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
240: females!!
241: %
242: Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
243: being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
244: %
245: Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
246: thanks!
247: %
248: Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
249: guess ...
250: %
251: Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
252: bottles ...
253: %
254: Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
255: %
256: Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
257: anywhere!!
258: %
259: Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
260: %
261: Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
262: %
263: Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
264: %
265: Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
266: drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
267: %
268: Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
269: TROLLEY-CAR ...
270: %
271: Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
272: island, when ...
273: %
274: Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
275: FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
276: %
277: Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
278: CHLORIDE ...
279: %
280: Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
281: %
282: HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
283: %
284: How do I get HOME?
285: %
286: How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
287: MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
288: HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
289: to NANCY SINATRA!
290: %
291: How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
292: SHARPENERS right NOW??
293: %
294: How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
295: %
296: How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
297: %
298: hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
299: %
300: HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
301: %
302: HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
303: %
304: I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
305: %
306: I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
307: %
308: I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
309: %
310: I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
311: %
312: I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
313: %
314: I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
315: %
316: I am NOT a nut....
317: %
318: I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
319: %
320: I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
321: %
322: I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
323: %
324: I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
325: GUCCIONE has these problems!
326: %
327: I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
328: LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
329: %
330: I demand IMPUNITY!
331: %
332: I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
333: %
334: I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
335: just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
336: more numbers!!
337: %
338: ... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
339: LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
340: %
341: I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
342: my read molars ...
343: %
344: ... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
345: %
346: I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
347: %
348: I feel ... JUGULAR ...
349: %
350: I feel better about world problems now!
351: %
352: I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
353: %
354: I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
355: %
356: I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
357: %
358: I feel partially hydrogenated!
359: %
360: I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
361: "WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
362: in the yard ...
363: %
364: I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
365: %
366: I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
367: %
368: I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
369: %
370: I had pancake makeup for brunch!
371: %
372: I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
373: %
374: I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
375: %
376: I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
377: %
378: I have accepted Provolone into my life!
379: %
380: I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
381: %
382: ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
383: %
384: -- I have seen the FUN --
385: %
386: I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
387: %
388: I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
389: INSTRUCTIONS ...
390: %
391: I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
392: %
393: I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
394: my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
395: %
396: I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
397: every day from Oral Roberts!!
398: %
399: I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
400: %
401: I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
402: live!!
403: %
404: I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
405: %
406: I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
407: savings in yeast!!
408: %
409: I invented skydiving in 1989!
410: %
411: I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
412: %
413: I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
414: %
415: I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
416: is ...
417: %
418: I just had a NOSE JOB!!
419: %
420: I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
421: %
422: I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
423: with my LEISURE SUIT!!
424: %
425: I just remembered something about a TOAD!
426: %
427: I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
428: on the SIDE?
429: %
430: I Know A Joke
431: %
432: I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
433: %
434: I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
435: %
436: I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
437: %
438: I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
439: %
440: I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
441: %
442: I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
443: %
444: -- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
445: now. I fed the cat.
446: %
447: I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
448: 1965!!
449: %
450: I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
451: SLEAZEBALLS!!
452: %
453: I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
454: %
455: I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
456: %
457: I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
458: legislation..
459: %
460: I represent a sardine!!
461: %
462: I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
463: %
464: ... I see TOILET SEATS ...
465: %
466: I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
467: %
468: I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
469: %
470: I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
471: %
472: I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
473: %
474: ... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
475: MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
476: %
477: I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
478: reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
479: %
480: I think my career is ruined!
481: %
482: I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
483: RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
484: %
485: ... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
486: %
487: I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
488: %
489: I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
490: %
491: I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
492: %
493: I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
494: secure!!
495: %
496: ... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
497: SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
498: %
499: I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
500: %
501: I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
502: and WHEAT THINS ...
503: %
504: I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
505: %
506: I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
507: %
508: ... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
509: %
510: I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
511: %
512: I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
513: %
514: I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
515: ... BACKWARDS!!
516: %
517: I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
518: formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
519: me --
520: %
521: I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
522: %
523: I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
524: %
525: I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
526: %
527: I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
528: %
529: I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
530: %
531: I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
532: %
533: I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
534: STRANGER?
535: %
536: I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
537: %
538: I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
539: %
540: I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
541: %
542: I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
543: %
544: I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
545: %
546: I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
547: %
548: I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
549: %
550: I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
551: %
552: I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
553: SONTAG!!
554: %
555: I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
556: %
557: I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
558: %
559: I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
560: %
561: I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
562: %
563: I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
564: MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
565: %
566: I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
567: %
568: I'm definitely not in Omaha!
569: %
570: I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
571: miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
572: %
573: I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
574: %
575: I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
576: %
577: I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
578: %
579: I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
580: %
581: I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
582: %
583: I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
584: %
585: I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
586: %
587: I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
588: %
589: I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
590: %
591: I'm having an emotional outburst!!
592: %
593: I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
594: my PAJAMA POCKET??
595: %
596: I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
597: wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
598: %
599: I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
600: %
601: ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
602: of a KOSHER DELI --
603: %
604: I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
605: %
606: I'm into SOFTWARE!
607: %
608: I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
609: PERSONAL SPACE!!
610: %
611: I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
612: STERLING when you really need him?
613: %
614: I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
615: %
616: I'm not available for comment..
617: %
618: I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
619: %
620: I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
621: MONTALBAN!
622: %
623: I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
624: and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
625: %
626: I'm rated PG-34!!
627: %
628: I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
629: %
630: I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
631: MISSILES!!
632: %
633: I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
634: Hustle now!
635: %
636: I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
637: %
638: I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
639: ... I'm VIBRATORY ...
640: %
641: I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
642: IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
643: %
644: I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
645: CHICKEN ...
646: %
647: I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
648: WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
649: %
650: I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
651: %
652: I'm wet! I'm wild!
653: %
654: I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
655: REGIONS!
656: %
657: I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
658: %
659: I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
660: %
661: I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
662: SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
663: %
664: I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
665: %
666: ... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
667: antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
668: PIZZA ...
669: %
670: If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
671: MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
672: GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
673: %
674: If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
675: houseboy ...
676: %
677: If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
678: %
679: If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
680: replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
681: %
682: If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
683: %
684: If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
685: %
686: ... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
687: man!!
688: %
689: If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
690: %
691: if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
692: %
693: If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
694: %
695: If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
696: Bonzo??
697: %
698: In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
699: Belt," for $10.99!!
700: %
701: In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
702: %
703: INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
704: %
705: Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
706: %
707: Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
708: Safeway?
709: %
710: Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
711: his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
712: ESCALATOR ...
713: %
714: Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
715: wild afternoon??
716: %
717: Is it clean in other dimensions?
718: %
719: Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
720: plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
721: %
722: Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
723: %
724: Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
725: %
726: Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
727: %
728: Is this TERMINAL fun?
729: %
730: Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
731: makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
732: %
733: Isn't this my STOP?!
734: %
735: It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
736: %
737: It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
738: LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
739: %
740: It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
741: %
742: It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
743: %
744: It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
745: in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
746: FRENCH TOAST!
747: %
748: It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
749: %
750: It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
751: %
752: JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
753: of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
754: %
755: Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
756: %
757: Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
758: %
759: Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
760: carried too FAR!
761: %
762: Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
763: PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
764: %
765: Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
766: is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
767: %
768: LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
769: %
770: Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
771: SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
772: ASHTRAYS ...
773: %
774: Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
775: %
776: Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
777: %
778: Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
779: %
780: Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
781: %
782: Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
783: %
784: Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
785: %
786: Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
787: HIGHBALL?? ...
788: %
789: Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
790: card!
791: %
792: Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
793: %
794: LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
795: Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
796: %
797: Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
798: %
799: Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
800: cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
801: %
802: Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
803: %
804: MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
805: %
806: MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
807: %
808: Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
809: shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
810: TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
811: SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
812: BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
813: animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
814: I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
815: WHEAT BUN!!
816: %
817: Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
818: the INDONESIAN archipelago?
819: %
820: My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
821: %
822: My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
823: FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
824: %
825: My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
826: York!!
827: %
828: My EARS are GONE!!
829: %
830: My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
831: care!!!!
832: %
833: My haircut is totally traditional!
834: %
835: MY income is ALL disposable!
836: %
837: My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
838: %
839: My life is a patio of fun!
840: %
841: My mind is a potato field ...
842: %
843: My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
844: %
845: My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
846: %
847: my NOSE is NUMB!
848: %
849: ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
850: Alley!!
851: %
852: My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
853: %
854: My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
855: %
856: My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
857: %
858: My vaseline is RUNNING...
859: %
860: NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
861: %
862: NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
863: COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
864: did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
865: they were OFF-KEY ...
866: %
867: NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
868: %
869: Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
870: %
871: Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
872: in PAIN!!!
873: %
874: Now I am depressed ...
875: %
876: Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
877: BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
878: %
879: Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
880: %
881: Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
882: BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
883: %
884: Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
885: War II!
886: %
887: Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
888: HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
889: by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
890: %
891: Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
892: %
893: Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
894: and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
895: %
896: Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
897: %
898: ... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
899: %
900: Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
901: %
902: Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
903: %
904: Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
905: %
906: Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
907: %
908: Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
909: DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
910: %
911: OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
912: R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
913: %
914: OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
915: and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
916: it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
917: the WASHING MACHINES?
918: %
919: On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
920: PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
921: %
922: On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
923: QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
924: %
925: On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
926: POINT.
927: %
928: Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
929: DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
930: VALUES!!
931: %
932: Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
933: statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
934: completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
935: amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
936: finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
937: snack cakes!
938: %
939: One FISHWICH coming up!!
940: %
941: ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
942: the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
943: TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
944: THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
945: %
946: ... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
947: Tuesday?
948: %
949: Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
950: table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
951: leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
952: %
953: over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
954: %
955: OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
956: REPAIR!!
957: %
958: PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
959: %
960: Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
961: BOOTH!
962: %
963: PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
964: %
965: PIZZA!!
966: %
967: Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
968: Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
969: %
970: Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
971: %
972: Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
973: %
974: PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
975: %
976: Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
977: %
978: RELATIVES!!
979: %
980: Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
981: prescription!!
982: %
983: RHAPSODY in Glue!
984: %
985: SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
986: ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
987: starring JANE FONDA!!
988: %
989: Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
990: 94140, USA
991: %
992: SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
993: empty OIL DRUMS ...
994: %
995: Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
996: %
997: Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
998: VASECTOMY??
999: %
1000: Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
1001: hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
1002: %
1003: Sign my PETITION.
1004: %
1005: So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
1006: %
1007: So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
1008: INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
1009: SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
1010: %
1011: someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
1012: %
1013: Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
1014: %
1015: Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
1016: CHOP!!
1017: %
1018: Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
1019: batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
1020: %
1021: Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
1022: to Beaver"!
1023: %
1024: Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
1025: %
1026: TAILFINS!! ... click ...
1027: %
1028: Talking Pinhead Blues:
1029: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
1030: TWENTY-SIX!!
1031:
1032: Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
1033: DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
1034:
1035: My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
1036: won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
1037:
1038: So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
1039: (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
1040: %
1041: TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
1042: Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
1043: %
1044: Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
1045: Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
1046: %
1047: Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
1048: %
1049: Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
1050: %
1051: The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
1052: the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
1053: %
1054: The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
1055: and have since BIRTH!!
1056: %
1057: The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
1058: SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
1059: %
1060: The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
1061: %
1062: ... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
1063: OYSTER! Yum!
1064: %
1065: The Korean War must have been fun.
1066: %
1067: ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
1068: %
1069: The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
1070: dawn!!!
1071: %
1072: The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
1073: %
1074: The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
1075: around 1953!!
1076: %
1077: The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
1078: %
1079: There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
1080: in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
1081: %
1082: There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
1083: %
1084: These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
1085: %
1086: They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
1087: appeal!
1088: %
1089: This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
1090: %
1091: This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
1092: %
1093: This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
1094: against someone's MARTINI!!
1095: %
1096: ... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
1097: %
1098: This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
1099: %
1100: This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
1101: %
1102: This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
1103: talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
1104: %
1105: Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
1106: SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
1107: %
1108: Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
1109: aesthetic modules --
1110: %
1111: Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
1112: before his MAKEOVER!
1113: %
1114: Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
1115: Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
1116: %
1117: TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
1118: %
1119: Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
1120: frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
1121: %
1122: Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
1123: %
1124: UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
1125: mistake!!!
1126: %
1127: UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
1128: NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
1129: %
1130: Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
1131: %
1132: UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
1133: %
1134: Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
1135: %
1136: VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
1137: %
1138: Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
1139: TAX-DEFERRED!
1140: %
1141: Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
1142: Junction??
1143: %
1144: Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
1145: %
1146: We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
1147: tub ...
1148: %
1149: We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
1150: %
1151: We just joined the civil hair patrol!
1152: %
1153: We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
1154: 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
1155: %
1156: Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
1157: HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
1158: EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
1159: %
1160: Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
1161: VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
1162: %
1163: Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
1164: ROOM ...
1165: %
1166: Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
1167: DESPAIR!
1168: %
1169: Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
1170: %
1171: What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
1172: %
1173: What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
1174: %
1175: What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
1176: %
1177: What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
1178: %
1179: What PROGRAM are they watching?
1180: %
1181: What UNIVERSE is this, please??
1182: %
1183: What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
1184: %
1185: When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
1186: DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
1187: %
1188: When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
1189: %
1190: When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
1191: %
1192: When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
1193: BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
1194: and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
1195: %
1196: Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
1197: %
1198: Where does it go when you flush?
1199: %
1200: Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
1201: %
1202: Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
1203: %
1204: Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
1205: %
1206: While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
1207: priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
1208: %
1209: While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
1210: will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
1211: %
1212: WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
1213: %
1214: WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
1215: NEGATIVE IONS!!
1216: %
1217: Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
1218: %
1219: Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
1220: own ZIPCODE?
1221: %
1222: Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
1223: %
1224: Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
1225: CENTER with you??
1226: %
1227: Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
1228: %
1229: Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
1230: %
1231: Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
1232: %
1233: With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
1234: %
1235: World War III? No thanks!
1236: %
1237: World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
1238: dress code!
1239: %
1240: Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
1241: %
1242: Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
1243: %
1244: Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
1245: MAIDEN concert?
1246: %
1247: You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
1248: %
1249: You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
1250: distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
1251: %
1252: You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
1253: %
1254: YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
1255: %
1256: You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
1257: CAREER!!
1258: %
1259: You were s'posed to laugh!
1260: %
1261: YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
1262: DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
1263: %
1264: Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
1265: %
1266: Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
1267: attitudes!
1268: %
1269: Yow!
1270: %
1271: Yow! Am I having fun yet?
1272: %
1273: Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
1274: %
1275: Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
1276: %
1277: Yow! Are we laid back yet?
1278: %
1279: Yow! Are we wet yet?
1280: %
1281: Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
1282: %
1283: Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
1284: %
1285: Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
1286: %
1287: Yow! I threw up on my window!
1288: %
1289: Yow! I want my nose in lights!
1290: %
1291: Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
1292: %
1293: Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
1294: mill!
1295: %
1296: Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
1297: %
1298: Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
1299: %
1300: Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
1301: %
1302: Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
1303: %
1304: Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
1305: %
1306: Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
1307: %
1308: Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
1309: BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
1310: %
1311: Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
1312: %
1313: Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
1314: %
1315: Yow! We're going to a new disco!
1316: %
1317: YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
1318: %
1319: YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
1320: %
1321: YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
1322: laws!!
1323: %
1324: YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
1325: %
1326: YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
1327: %
1328: YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
1329: CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
1330: %
1331: YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
1332: %
1333: Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
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