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Annotation of 43BSDTahoe/games/fortune/obscene, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1:                My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
        !             2: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
        !             3: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
        !             4: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
        !             5: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
        !             6: 
        !             7: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
        !             8: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
        !             9: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
        !            10: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
        !            11: 
        !            12: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
        !            13: Users of heroin, often called junkies
        !            14: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
        !            15: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
        !            16: 
        !            17:        On a bad trip
        !            18:        When the cops come
        !            19:        When I lose my head
        !            20:        I simply take more of my favorite drugs
        !            21:        And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
        !            22: %%
        !            23:                NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
        !            24: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
        !            25: short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
        !            26: promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
        !            27: our "Big John" doll.)
        !            28: %%
        !            29:        ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
        !            30: those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
        !            31: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
        !            32:        Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
        !            33: they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
        !            34: people go to the front of the bus."
        !            35:        But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
        !            36: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
        !            37: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
        !            38: unto a snowball in Hell."
        !            39:                -- "The Begatting of a President"
        !            40: %%
        !            41:        ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a
        !            42: thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.
        !            43: It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to
        !            44: masturbation.  The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten
        !            45: a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly
        !            46: baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles.
        !            47:                -- Harlan Ellison
        !            48: %%
        !            49:        ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
        !            50: it even worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.
        !            51: Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
        !            52: Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
        !            53: all it ever showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of
        !            54: these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
        !            55: four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
        !            56: publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
        !            57: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
        !            58:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !            59: %%
        !            60:        "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
        !            61:        "Who else?" answered the patient.
        !            62: %%
        !            63:        "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
        !            64: matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
        !            65: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
        !            66: merriment.
        !            67:        "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
        !            68: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
        !            69: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
        !            70: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
        !            71: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
        !            72: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
        !            73:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !            74: %%
        !            75:        Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
        !            76: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
        !            77: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
        !            78: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
        !            79: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
        !            80: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
        !            81: it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
        !            82: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
        !            83: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
        !            84: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
        !            85: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
        !            86: it because the court was going to take a nap.
        !            87:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !            88: %%
        !            89:        In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
        !            90: without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
        !            91: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
        !            92: and it stinks."
        !            93: 
        !            94:        And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
        !            95: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
        !            96: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
        !            97: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
        !            98: before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
        !            99: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
        !           100: and none may abide by its strength."
        !           101: 
        !           102:        And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
        !           103: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
        !           104: it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
        !           105: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
        !           106: growth of the Laboratories."
        !           107: 
        !           108:        And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
        !           109: it was Good!
        !           110: %%
        !           111:        Overheard in a bar:
        !           112: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
        !           113: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
        !           114: %%
        !           115:        The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
        !           116: 
        !           117: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
        !           118: I simply can't fuck any more;
        !           119:        I'm covered with sweat,
        !           120:        And you haven't come yet,
        !           121: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
        !           122: %%
        !           123:        The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just
        !           124: say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
        !           125: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
        !           126: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
        !           127: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
        !           128: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
        !           129: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
        !           130: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
        !           131:        So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
        !           132: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
        !           133: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
        !           134: naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
        !           135: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
        !           136: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
        !           137: others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
        !           138: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
        !           139:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !           140: %%
        !           141:        The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
        !           142: claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
        !           143: his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
        !           144: 
        !           145:        "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
        !           146: not much good in a fight."
        !           147: %%
        !           148:        Them Toad Suckers
        !           149: 
        !           150: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
        !           151: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
        !           152: 
        !           153: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
        !           154: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
        !           155: 
        !           156: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
        !           157: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
        !           158: 
        !           159: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
        !           160: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
        !           161: 
        !           162: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
        !           163: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
        !           164:                -- Mason Williams
        !           165: %%
        !           166:        Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
        !           167: how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
        !           168: you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
        !           169:        All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
        !           170: their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
        !           171:        "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His
        !           172: mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
        !           173: room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
        !           174:        "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
        !           175: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
        !           176: %%
        !           177:        Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
        !           178: felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he
        !           179: just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
        !           180: at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this
        !           181: poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
        !           182: mightier than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
        !           183: and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
        !           184: JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
        !           185: manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
        !           186: animal in the jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
        !           187: elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
        !           188: of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
        !           189: Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
        !           190: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
        !           191: blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
        !           192: nearby tree.  The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
        !           193: and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
        !           194: to get so pissed."
        !           195: %%
        !           196:        "What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
        !           197: didn't believe in God."
        !           198:        "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
        !           199: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
        !           200: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
        !           201:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !           202: %%
        !           203:        When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
        !           204: operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
        !           205: would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
        !           206: thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
        !           207: patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
        !           208: %%
        !           209:         The Split-Atom Blues
        !           210: 
        !           211: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
        !           212:     Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
        !           213: But if you split those atoms fine,
        !           214:     Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
        !           215: 
        !           216: Gimme zits, take my dough,
        !           217:     Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
        !           218: Call the devil and sell my soul,
        !           219:     But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
        !           220:                -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
        !           221: %%
        !           222: ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
        !           223: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
        !           224: %%
        !           225: ... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
        !           226: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
        !           227: bridge.
        !           228:                -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
        !           229: %%
        !           230: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
        !           231: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
        !           232: scruples and the police."
        !           233:                -- Mr. Dooley
        !           234: %%
        !           235: A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
        !           236: wrong with a high sense of consistency.
        !           237:                -- J. K. Galbraith
        !           238: %%
        !           239: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
        !           240: is having fun.
        !           241: %%
        !           242: A bather whose clothing was strewed
        !           243: By breezes that left her quite nude,
        !           244:        Saw a man come along
        !           245:        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
        !           246: You expected this line to be lewd.
        !           247: %%
        !           248: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
        !           249: I am not I, I'm a tree."
        !           250:        But another, more sane,
        !           251:        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
        !           252: And covered his pants leg with pee.
        !           253: %%
        !           254: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
        !           255: the first time.
        !           256:                -- Alfred E. Wiggam
        !           257: %%
        !           258: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
        !           259: learned to walk.
        !           260:                -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
        !           261: %%
        !           262: A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
        !           263: %%
        !           264: A hard man is good to find.
        !           265: %%
        !           266: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
        !           267: %%
        !           268: A mathematician named Hall
        !           269: Has a hexahedronical ball,
        !           270:        And the cube of its weight
        !           271:        Times his pecker's, plus eight
        !           272: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
        !           273: %%
        !           274: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
        !           275:                --Phyllis Schlafly
        !           276: %%
        !           277: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
        !           278: %%
        !           279: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
        !           280: called a liberal.
        !           281: %%
        !           282: A pretty young lady named Vogel
        !           283: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        !           284:        A curious mole
        !           285:        Nosed into her hole --
        !           286: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
        !           287: %%
        !           288: A pretty young maiden from France
        !           289: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        !           290:        She let herself go
        !           291:        For an hour or so
        !           292: And now all her sisters are aunts.
        !           293: %%
        !           294: A remarkable race are the Persians;
        !           295: They have such peculiar diversions.
        !           296:        They make love the whole day
        !           297:        In the usual way
        !           298: And save up the nights for perversions.
        !           299: %%
        !           300: A team playing baseball in Dallas
        !           301: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
        !           302:        While this worthy had fits
        !           303:        The team made eight hits
        !           304: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
        !           305: %%
        !           306: A wanton young lady from Wimley
        !           307: Reproached for not acting quite primly
        !           308:        Said, "Heavens above!
        !           309:        I know sex isn't love,
        !           310: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
        !           311: %%
        !           312: A widow who fancied a man some
        !           313: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
        !           314:        When she clamored for more
        !           315:        Her young man became sore
        !           316: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
        !           317: %%
        !           318: "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
        !           319: drawers."
        !           320:                --- Blind Lemon Pledge
        !           321: %%
        !           322: A worried young man from Stamboul
        !           323: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
        !           324:        Said the doctor, a cynic,
        !           325:        "Get out of my clinic;
        !           326: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
        !           327: %%
        !           328: AI hackers do it with robots.
        !           329: %%
        !           330: Achilles' Biological Findings:
        !           331:        (1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
        !           332:             looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
        !           333:        (2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
        !           334:             -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
        !           335: %%
        !           336: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
        !           337: Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
        !           338: Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
        !           339: Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
        !           340: %%
        !           341: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
        !           342: place to shift.
        !           343: %%
        !           344: All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
        !           345:        All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
        !           346: Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
        !           347:        He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
        !           348: All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
        !           349:        All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
        !           350: Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
        !           351:        Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
        !           352: All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
        !           353:        Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
        !           354:                -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
        !           355: %%
        !           356: An Army travels on her stomach.
        !           357: %%
        !           358: An architect fellow named Yoric
        !           359: Could, when feeling euphoric,
        !           360:        Display for selection
        !           361:        Three kinds of erection --
        !           362: Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
        !           363: %%
        !           364: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
        !           365: murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
        !           366: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
        !           367: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
        !           368: suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a
        !           369: murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
        !           370: %%
        !           371: "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
        !           372: unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
        !           373: bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
        !           374: provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
        !           375:                -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
        !           376: %%
        !           377: Anxiety, n.:
        !           378:        The first time you can't do it a second time.
        !           379: 
        !           380: Panic, n.:
        !           381:        The second time you can't do it the first time.
        !           382: %%
        !           383: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
        !           384: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
        !           385: blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
        !           386: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
        !           387: slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
        !           388: "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
        !           389: appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
        !           390: spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
        !           391: honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
        !           392: hell!!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"
        !           393: %%
        !           394: Baltimore, n.:
        !           395:        Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
        !           396: collars.
        !           397: %%
        !           398: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
        !           399: %%
        !           400: Behold the unborn fetus and
        !           401:        Weep salt tears crocodilian;
        !           402: All life is sacred (save, of course,
        !           403:        An enemy civilian).
        !           404: %%
        !           405: Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
        !           406: gin.
        !           407:                -- Ralph Nader
        !           408: %%
        !           409: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
        !           410: For her life held no terrors.
        !           411: A virgin born, a virgin died:
        !           412: No hits, no runs, no errors.
        !           413: %%
        !           414: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
        !           415: %%
        !           416: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
        !           417: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
        !           418: the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
        !           419: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
        !           420: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
        !           421: the country was hopelessly trapped.
        !           422:                -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
        !           423: %%
        !           424: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
        !           425: 
        !           426: Oh, give me a clone
        !           427: Of my own flesh and bone
        !           428:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           429: And when she is grown,
        !           430: My very own clone,
        !           431:        We'll be of the opposite sex.
        !           432: 
        !           433: Chorus:
        !           434:        Clone, clone of my own,
        !           435:        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        !           436:        And when we're alone,
        !           437:        Since her mind is my own,
        !           438:        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        !           439:                -- Randall Garrett
        !           440: %%
        !           441: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
        !           442: %%
        !           443: Chaste makes waste.
        !           444: %%
        !           445: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
        !           446: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
        !           447: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
        !           448: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
        !           449: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
        !           450: Helps to make the season right
        !           451: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
        !           452: Will find it hard to see tonight
        !           453: They know that Santa's on his way
        !           454: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
        !           455: And every mother's child is sure to spy
        !           456: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
        !           457: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
        !           458: To kids from one to ninety two
        !           459: Although it's been said many times, many ways
        !           460: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
        !           461: %%
        !           462: Christian, n.:
        !           463:        One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
        !           464: book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
        !           465: follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
        !           466: with a life of sin.
        !           467: %%
        !           468: Clarke's Third Law:
        !           469:        Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
        !           470:        magic.
        !           471: 
        !           472: G's Third Law:
        !           473:        In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
        !           474:        is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
        !           475: 
        !           476: H's Dictum:
        !           477:        There is no magic ...
        !           478: %%
        !           479: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
        !           480: %%
        !           481: Coito ergo sum
        !           482: %%
        !           483: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
        !           484: later you wish you'd never come.
        !           485: %%
        !           486: Communists do it without class.
        !           487: %%
        !           488: Conservative, n.:
        !           489:        One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
        !           490:                -- Leo C. Rosten
        !           491: %%
        !           492: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
        !           493: %%
        !           494: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  ____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
        !           495: pillage!!
        !           496: %%
        !           497: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
        !           498: This visage meek and humble,
        !           499: And hear this confidential plea
        !           500: Voiced in reverent mumble:
        !           501:        Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
        !           502:        But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
        !           503:                -- Ansel Adams
        !           504: %%
        !           505: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
        !           506: 
        !           507:                ... Seats 500.
        !           508: %%
        !           509: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
        !           510: %%
        !           511: Do something big -- fuck a giant
        !           512: %%
        !           513: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
        !           514: %%
        !           515: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
        !           516:                -- Bo Diddley
        !           517: %%
        !           518: Draft beer, not people
        !           519: %%
        !           520: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
        !           521:        1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
        !           522:            sleep in the wet spot.
        !           523:        2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
        !           524:        3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
        !           525:                ... is married
        !           526:                ... is on penicillin
        !           527:                ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
        !           528:        4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
        !           529:        5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
        !           530:        6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
        !           531:        7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
        !           532:        8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
        !           533:        9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
        !           534:        10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
        !           535:        11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
        !           536: %%
        !           537: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
        !           538: %%
        !           539: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
        !           540: licentious, dirty bum!!
        !           541: %%
        !           542: Floppy now, hard later.
        !           543: %%
        !           544: Fornication, n.:
        !           545:        Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
        !           546: %%
        !           547: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
        !           548: he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
        !           549: punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
        !           550: %%
        !           551: Getting an education at the University of California is like
        !           552: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
        !           553: %%
        !           554: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
        !           555: %%
        !           556: God is an atheist.
        !           557: %%
        !           558: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
        !           559: %%
        !           560: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
        !           561: %%
        !           562: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
        !           563: %%
        !           564: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
        !           565: where to go.
        !           566:        "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
        !           567:        "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
        !           568:        "Well, how about Mercury?"
        !           569:        "No, it's too hot there."
        !           570:        "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
        !           571:        "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
        !           572: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
        !           573: still talking about it."
        !           574: %%
        !           575: Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
        !           576: %%
        !           577: Grain grows best in shit
        !           578:                -- Ursula K. LeGuin
        !           579: %%
        !           580: Great Lover, n.:
        !           581:        A man who can breathe through his ears.
        !           582: %%
        !           583: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
        !           584: %%
        !           585: Hackers do it with bugs.
        !           586: %%
        !           587: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
        !           588: %%
        !           589: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
        !           590: %%
        !           591: Haggis, n.:
        !           592:        Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
        !           593: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
        !           594: consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
        !           595: other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
        !           596: in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a
        !           597: minute ...
        !           598: %%
        !           599: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
        !           600: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
        !           601: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
        !           602: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
        !           603: facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
        !           604: historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
        !           605: ankles in bullshit.
        !           606:                -- Tom Robbins
        !           607: %%
        !           608: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
        !           609: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
        !           610: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
        !           611: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
        !           612: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
        !           613: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
        !           614:                -- R. E. Masters
        !           615: %%
        !           616: He hated to mend, so young Ned
        !           617: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
        !           618:        Her husband said, "Vi,
        !           619:        When you stitched up his torn fly,
        !           620: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
        !           621: %%
        !           622: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
        !           623: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
        !           624: qualified for!
        !           625:                -- Michael Cain
        !           626: %%
        !           627: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
        !           628: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
        !           629: %%
        !           630: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
        !           631: hands.
        !           632: %%
        !           633: Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
        !           634: %%
        !           635: History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
        !           636: i.e., none to speak of.
        !           637:                -- Lazarus Long
        !           638: %%
        !           639: "How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
        !           640: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
        !           641: gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
        !           642: lucky to escape with our skins!"
        !           643: %%
        !           644: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
        !           645:                -- John Valby
        !           646: %%
        !           647: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
        !           648: %%
        !           649: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
        !           650: once was ... an arctic wilderness
        !           651:                -- Steve Martin
        !           652: %%
        !           653: I came; I saw; I fucked up
        !           654: %%
        !           655: I have a funny daddy
        !           656: Who goes in and out with me
        !           657: And everything that baby does
        !           658: Daddy's sure to see,
        !           659: And everything that baby says,
        !           660: My daddy's sure to tell.
        !           661: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
        !           662: I hope he fries in Hell.
        !           663:                -- Ogden Nash
        !           664: %%
        !           665: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
        !           666: %%
        !           667: I once met a lassie named Ruth
        !           668: In a long distance telephone booth.
        !           669:        Now I know the perfection
        !           670:        Of an ideal connection
        !           671: Even if somewhat uncouth.
        !           672: %%
        !           673: "I own my own body, but I share"
        !           674: %%
        !           675: I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
        !           676: Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
        !           677: trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
        !           678: go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
        !           679: that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
        !           680:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !           681: %%
        !           682: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
        !           683: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
        !           684: commerce.
        !           685:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !           686: %%
        !           687: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
        !           688:                -- Barry Goldwater
        !           689: %%
        !           690: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
        !           691: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
        !           692:                -- Frank Zappa
        !           693: %%
        !           694: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
        !           695: scares the shit out of me.
        !           696:                -- R. Geis
        !           697: %%
        !           698: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
        !           699: now.
        !           700: %%
        !           701: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
        !           702: %%
        !           703: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
        !           704: %%
        !           705: If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
        !           706: %%
        !           707: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
        !           708: %%
        !           709: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
        !           710: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
        !           711: fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
        !           712: only two went back to women.
        !           713:                -- Mort Sahl
        !           714: %%
        !           715: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
        !           716: should join
        !           717: 
        !           718:                THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
        !           719: 
        !           720: The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
        !           721: do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
        !           722: addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
        !           723: following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
        !           724: 
        !           725:     --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
        !           726:        UFOs come.
        !           727:     --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
        !           728:     --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
        !           729:     --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
        !           730:        the circle.
        !           731:     --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
        !           732:     --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.
        !           733: 
        !           734: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
        !           735: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
        !           736: done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
        !           737: of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
        !           738: %%
        !           739: If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
        !           740: in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
        !           741: %%
        !           742: If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
        !           743: %%
        !           744: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
        !           745: buzz-saw."
        !           746:                -- W. C. Fields
        !           747: %%
        !           748: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
        !           749:                -- Robert Burton
        !           750: %%
        !           751: I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
        !           752: it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
        !           753: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
        !           754:                -- Groucho Marx
        !           755: %%
        !           756: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
        !           757: Massaging the bust of his madam,
        !           758:        He chuckled with mirth,
        !           759:        For he knew that on earth,
        !           760: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
        !           761: %%
        !           762: Incest, n.:
        !           763:        Sibling revelry.
        !           764: %%
        !           765: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
        !           766: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
        !           767: %%
        !           768: "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
        !           769: watch him have another."
        !           770: %%
        !           771: Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
        !           772: %%
        !           773: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
        !           774: %%
        !           775: John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
        !           776: apoplexy.
        !           777:                -- Edward P. Morgan
        !           778: %%
        !           779: Kasha, n.:
        !           780:        Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
        !           781: problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?  _I
        !           782: know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help ___you much.
        !           783:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           784: %%
        !           785: Kill a commie for Christ!
        !           786: %%
        !           787: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
        !           788: all will end as doves.
        !           789: %%
        !           790: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
        !           791: %%
        !           792: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
        !           793: hard you get fucked.
        !           794: %%
        !           795: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
        !           796: %%
        !           797: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
        !           798: fruits and nuts is flakes.
        !           799: %%
        !           800: Mathematicians do it in theory.
        !           801: %%
        !           802: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
        !           803: %%
        !           804: Missionary Position:
        !           805:        The missionary on top.
        !           806: %%
        !           807: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot
        !           808: if the instructions were printed on the heel.
        !           809: %%
        !           810: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
        !           811:        Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
        !           812:        stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
        !           813: %%
        !           814: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
        !           815: with his head stuck up his ass.
        !           816: %%
        !           817: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
        !           818: everyone but her.
        !           819: %%
        !           820: Nothing is better than Sex.
        !           821: Masturbation is better than nothing.
        !           822: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
        !           823: %%
        !           824: O'Riordan's Theorem:
        !           825:        Brains x Beauty = Constant.
        !           826: 
        !           827: Purmal's Corollary:
        !           828:        As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
        !           829:        availability goes to zero.
        !           830: %%
        !           831: Occident, n.:
        !           832:        The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
        !           833: is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
        !           834: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
        !           835: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
        !           836: principal industries of the Orient.
        !           837:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           838: %%
        !           839: Ocean, n.:
        !           840:        A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
        !           841: man -- who has no gills.
        !           842: %%
        !           843: Once a young gay from Khartoum
        !           844: Took a lesbian up to his room.
        !           845:        They argued all night
        !           846:        Over who had the right
        !           847: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
        !           848: %%
        !           849: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
        !           850: fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
        !           851: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
        !           852: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
        !           853: earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
        !           854: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
        !           855: warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
        !           856: began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
        !           857: chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
        !           858: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
        !           859: 
        !           860: There are three morals to this story:
        !           861: 
        !           862: 1)  Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
        !           863: 2)  Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
        !           864: 3)  If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
        !           865: %%
        !           866: One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
        !           867: were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
        !           868: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
        !           869: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
        !           870: passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
        !           871: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
        !           872: be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
        !           873: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
        !           874: democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
        !           875: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
        !           876: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
        !           877: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
        !           878: productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
        !           879: hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
        !           880: there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
        !           881: %%
        !           882: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
        !           883: look at the other guy's.
        !           884:                -- Hal Hickman
        !           885: %%
        !           886: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
        !           887: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
        !           888: case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
        !           889: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
        !           890: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
        !           891: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been
        !           892: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
        !           893: her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
        !           894: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
        !           895: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
        !           896: were men on base.
        !           897:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !           898: %%
        !           899: Physicists do it with charm
        !           900: %%
        !           901: Politicians do it to everyone.
        !           902: %%
        !           903: Posterity will ne'er survey
        !           904: A nobler grave than this;
        !           905: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
        !           906: Stop, traveler, and piss.
        !           907:                -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
        !           908: %%
        !           909: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
        !           910: %%
        !           911: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
        !           912: still come out ahead.
        !           913: %%
        !           914: Q: How do you play religious roulette?
        !           915: A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
        !           916:    by lightning first.
        !           917: %%
        !           918: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
        !           919:    backyard?
        !           920: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
        !           921: %%
        !           922: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
        !           923:    or an airline stewardess?
        !           924: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says: "We're
        !           925:    going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
        !           926:    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
        !           927:    and nose, and breath normally."
        !           928: %%
        !           929: Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
        !           930: A: Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
        !           931:    screwing began.
        !           932: %%
        !           933: Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
        !           934: A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
        !           935: %%
        !           936: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
        !           937:    be?
        !           938: A: A fur coat.
        !           939: %%
        !           940: Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
        !           941: A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
        !           942: %%
        !           943: Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
        !           944: A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
        !           945: %%
        !           946: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
        !           947: A: Two hours of begging.
        !           948: %%
        !           949: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
        !           950: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
        !           951: %%
        !           952: Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
        !           953: A: Ugly sheep.
        !           954: %%
        !           955: Randel, n.:
        !           956:        A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
        !           957: for farting at a friend.
        !           958:                -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
        !           959:                   Preposterous Words
        !           960: %%
        !           961: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
        !           962: %%
        !           963: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
        !           964: sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
        !           965: changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
        !           966: grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
        !           967: liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
        !           968: do with the other.
        !           969:                -- Jules Feiffer
        !           970: %%
        !           971: Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
        !           972: Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
        !           973: 
        !           974: Democrats eat the fish they catch.
        !           975: Republicans hang them on the wall.
        !           976: 
        !           977: Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
        !           978: girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
        !           979: 
        !           980: Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
        !           981: Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
        !           982: 
        !           983: Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
        !           984: The remainder is thrown out.
        !           985: 
        !           986: Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
        !           987: That is why there are more Democrats.
        !           988:                -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
        !           989: %%
        !           990: Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
        !           991: %%
        !           992: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
        !           993: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
        !           994:        Let _V be virginity
        !           995:        Approaching infinity;
        !           996: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
        !           997: 
        !           998: "Let _V over _P be inverted
        !           999: With the square root of _M_u inserted
        !          1000:        _N times into _V ...
        !          1001:        The result, Q.E.D.,
        !          1002: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
        !          1003: %%
        !          1004: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
        !          1005: "My favorite sport is coitus."
        !          1006:        But a fullback from State
        !          1007:        Made her period late,
        !          1008: And now she has athlete's fetus
        !          1009: %%
        !          1010: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
        !          1011: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
        !          1012:        "Try as hard as I can,
        !          1013:        I can't find a man
        !          1014: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
        !          1015: %%
        !          1016: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
        !          1017: %%
        !          1018: Sex is like a bridge game --
        !          1019: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
        !          1020: %%
        !          1021: Sex is the poor man's opera.
        !          1022:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          1023: %%
        !          1024: She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
        !          1025: you any other way."
        !          1026: %%
        !          1027: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
        !          1028: candidates for president.
        !          1029:                -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
        !          1030:                   Elizabeth Gould Davis
        !          1031: %%
        !          1032: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
        !          1033: %%
        !          1034: Statisticians probably do it.
        !          1035: %%
        !          1036: Subpoena,n .:
        !          1037:        From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
        !          1038: organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
        !          1039: %%
        !          1040: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
        !          1041:                -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
        !          1042:                   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
        !          1043:                   Association
        !          1044: %%
        !          1045: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
        !          1046: forgets?
        !          1047: %%
        !          1048: Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
        !          1049: you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
        !          1050: %%
        !          1051: The United States Army;
        !          1052: 194 years of proud service,
        !          1053: unhampered by progress.
        !          1054: %%
        !          1055: The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
        !          1056: from the food it produces.
        !          1057: %%
        !          1058: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
        !          1059: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
        !          1060: %%
        !          1061: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
        !          1062: %%
        !          1063: The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
        !          1064: chance to prove it.
        !          1065: %%
        !          1066: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
        !          1067: in front every time you want to kiss her.
        !          1068: %%
        !          1069: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
        !          1070: dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
        !          1071: and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
        !          1072: %%
        !          1073: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
        !          1074: %%
        !          1075: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
        !          1076:                -- Humphrey Bogart
        !          1077: %%
        !          1078: The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
        !          1079: almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
        !          1080: have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
        !          1081: down in silly puns about "standing erect".
        !          1082:                -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          1083: %%
        !          1084: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
        !          1085: %%
        !          1086: There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
        !          1087: %%
        !          1088: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
        !          1089: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
        !          1090:        It was not the size
        !          1091:        That cause such surprise;
        !          1092: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
        !          1093: %%
        !          1094: There once was a couple named Kelley,
        !          1095: Who lived their life belly to belly.
        !          1096:        Because in their haste
        !          1097:        They used Library Paste,
        !          1098: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
        !          1099: %%
        !          1100: There once was a freshman named Lin,
        !          1101: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
        !          1102:        A virgin named Joan
        !          1103:        From a bible belt home,
        !          1104: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
        !          1105: %%
        !          1106: There once was a hacker named Ken
        !          1107: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
        !          1108:        So he built him some chicks
        !          1109:        Of silicon chips
        !          1110: And hasn't been heard from since then.
        !          1111: %%
        !          1112: There once was a lady from Exeter,
        !          1113: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
        !          1114:        One was even so brave
        !          1115:        As to take out and wave
        !          1116: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
        !          1117: %%
        !          1118: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
        !          1119: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        !          1120:        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        !          1121:        I think someone's coming!"
        !          1122: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
        !          1123: %%
        !          1124: There once was a queen of Bulgaria
        !          1125: Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
        !          1126:        Till a prince from Peru
        !          1127:        Who came up for a screw
        !          1128: Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
        !          1129: %%
        !          1130: There once was a young man named Gene
        !          1131: Who invented a screwing machine
        !          1132:        Concave and convex
        !          1133:        It served either sex
        !          1134: And it played with itself in between.
        !          1135: %%
        !          1136: There was a bluestocking in Florence
        !          1137: Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
        !          1138:        Till a Spanish grandee,
        !          1139:        Got her off with his knee,
        !          1140: And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
        !          1141: %%
        !          1142: There was a gay countess of Bray,
        !          1143: And you may think it odd when I say,
        !          1144:        That in spite of high station,
        !          1145:        Rank and education,
        !          1146: She always spelled cunt with a "k".
        !          1147: %%
        !          1148: There was a young fellow named Bliss
        !          1149: Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
        !          1150:        For even with Venus
        !          1151:        His recalcitrant penis
        !          1152: Would never do better than t
        !          1153:                           h
        !          1154:                           i
        !          1155:                           s
        !          1156:                           .
        !          1157: %%
        !          1158: There was a young girl from Hong Kong
        !          1159: Whose cervical cap was a gong.
        !          1160:        She said with a yell,
        !          1161:        As a shot rang her bell,
        !          1162: "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
        !          1163: %%
        !          1164: There was a young girl named Sapphire
        !          1165: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        !          1166:        She said, "It's a sin,
        !          1167:        But now that it's in,
        !          1168: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
        !          1169: %%
        !          1170: There was a young girl of Angina
        !          1171: Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
        !          1172:        From the love-making frock
        !          1173:        (With the proper sized cock)
        !          1174: Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
        !          1175: %%
        !          1176: There was a young girl of Darjeeling
        !          1177: Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
        !          1178:        There was never a sound
        !          1179:        For miles around
        !          1180: Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
        !          1181: %%
        !          1182: There was a young lad name of Durcan
        !          1183: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        !          1184:        His father said, "Durcan!
        !          1185:        Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
        !          1186: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
        !          1187: %%
        !          1188: There was a young lady from Maine
        !          1189: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
        !          1190:        But you knew from the view,
        !          1191:        As her abdomen grew,
        !          1192: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
        !          1193: %%
        !          1194: There was a young lady named Clair
        !          1195: Who possessed a magnificent pair;
        !          1196:        At least so I thought
        !          1197:        Till I saw one get caught
        !          1198: On a thorn, and begin losing air.
        !          1199: %%
        !          1200: There was a young lady named Hall,
        !          1201: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
        !          1202:        The dress caught on fire
        !          1203:        And burned her entire
        !          1204: Front page, sporting section, and all.
        !          1205: %%
        !          1206: There was a young lady named Twiss
        !          1207: Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
        !          1208:        For it tickled her bum
        !          1209:        And caused her to come
        !          1210: .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
        !          1211: %%
        !          1212: There was a young lady of Norway
        !          1213: Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
        !          1214:        She said to her beau
        !          1215:        "Just look at me Joe
        !          1216: I think I've discovered one more way."
        !          1217: %%
        !          1218: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
        !          1219: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
        !          1220:        But the banister broke
        !          1221:        So he doubled his stroke
        !          1222: And finished her off in mid-air.
        !          1223: %%
        !          1224: There was a young man named Crockett
        !          1225: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
        !          1226:        His wife was a bitch,
        !          1227:        And she threw the switch,
        !          1228: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
        !          1229: %%
        !          1230: There was a young man of Cape Horn
        !          1231: Who wished he had never been born,
        !          1232:        And he wouldn't have been
        !          1233:        If his father had seen
        !          1234: That the end of the rubber was torn.
        !          1235: %%
        !          1236: There was a young man of St. John's
        !          1237: Who wanted to bugger the swans.
        !          1238:        But the loyal hall porter
        !          1239:        Said, "Pray take my daughter!
        !          1240: Those birds are reserved for the dons."
        !          1241: %%
        !          1242: There was a young whore from kaloo
        !          1243: Who filled her vagina with glue.
        !          1244:        She said with a grin,
        !          1245:        "If they pay to get in,
        !          1246: They can pay to get out again too!"
        !          1247: %%
        !          1248: There was an old man of the port
        !          1249: Whose prick was remarkably short.
        !          1250:        When he got into bed,
        !          1251:        The old woman said,
        !          1252: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
        !          1253: %%
        !          1254: There was an old pirate named Bates
        !          1255: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
        !          1256:        He fell on his cutlass
        !          1257:        Which rendered him nutless
        !          1258: And practically useless on dates.
        !          1259: %%
        !          1260: There were the Scots
        !          1261: Who kept the Sabbath
        !          1262: And everything else they could lay their hands on.
        !          1263: Then there were the Welsh
        !          1264: Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
        !          1265: Thirdly there were the Irish
        !          1266: Who never knew what they wanted
        !          1267: But were willing to fight for it anyway.
        !          1268: Lastly there were the English
        !          1269: Who considered themselves a self-made nation
        !          1270: Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
        !          1271: %%
        !          1272: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1273:        Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
        !          1274: %%
        !          1275: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1276:        Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
        !          1277: %%
        !          1278: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
        !          1279:        Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
        !          1280: %%
        !          1281: There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
        !          1282: and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
        !          1283:                -- Billy Joel
        !          1284: %%
        !          1285: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
        !          1286:                -- David Mairowitz
        !          1287: %%
        !          1288: They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
        !          1289: are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
        !          1290: 
        !          1291: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
        !          1292:     confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
        !          1293:     a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
        !          1294:     of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
        !          1295:     including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
        !          1296:     cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
        !          1297:     factory puts them there.
        !          1298: (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
        !          1299:     announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
        !          1300:     piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
        !          1301:     get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
        !          1302:     state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
        !          1303:     where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
        !          1304:     fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
        !          1305:     vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
        !          1306:     impression.
        !          1307:                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
        !          1308: %%
        !          1309: This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
        !          1310: %%
        !          1311: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
        !          1312: actual emergency, you would have known it!
        !          1313: %%
        !          1314: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
        !          1315: "di-dah" for the filthy words:
        !          1316: 
        !          1317:        Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
        !          1318:        Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
        !          1319:                di-dah di-dah di-dah?
        !          1320:                Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
        !          1321:        Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
        !          1322: %%
        !          1323: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
        !          1324: personal to various situations.
        !          1325: 
        !          1326: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
        !          1327: in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
        !          1328: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
        !          1329: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
        !          1330: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
        !          1331: 
        !          1332: YOU SHOULD:
        !          1333: 
        !          1334: (A)  Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
        !          1335: (B)  Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
        !          1336: (C)  Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
        !          1337: %%
        !          1338: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
        !          1339: %%
        !          1340: To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
        !          1341: %%
        !          1342: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
        !          1343: name."
        !          1344:                -- Gore Vidal
        !          1345: %%
        !          1346: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod                And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
        !          1347: Did groove and trip out at the pad:    The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
        !          1348: All whimsy were the slamming chicks,   Crept past the hippies getting balled
        !          1349: And the Radcliffe undergrad.           And doffed her miniskirt.
        !          1350: 
        !          1351: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!     One, two!  One, two!  And through 
        !          1352: The looks that melt, the claws that            and through
        !          1353:        catch!                          The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
        !          1354: Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun     He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
        !          1355: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"           And went galumphing back.
        !          1356: 
        !          1357: He took his venerable staff in hand:   "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
        !          1358: Long time the cool young stuff he      Come to my arms, my horny boy!
        !          1359:        sought --                       O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
        !          1360: So rested he among the spree           He cackled in his joy.
        !          1361: And paused to smoke some pot.          
        !          1362:                                        'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
        !          1363:                                        Did groove and trip out at the pad:
        !          1364:                                        All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
        !          1365:                                        And the Radcliffe undergrad.
        !          1366: %%
        !          1367: "Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
        !          1368: opposite."
        !          1369:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          1370: %%
        !          1371: Vidi, vici, veni.
        !          1372: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
        !          1373: %%
        !          1374: Virgin, n.:
        !          1375:        An ugly third grader.
        !          1376: %%
        !          1377: War is menstruation envy.
        !          1378: %%
        !          1379: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
        !          1380: %%
        !          1381: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
        !          1382: hand."
        !          1383:                -- James Watt
        !          1384: %%
        !          1385: Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
        !          1386: my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
        !          1387: you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
        !          1388: %%
        !          1389: What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
        !          1390: %%
        !          1391: When God created man, She was only testing.
        !          1392: %%
        !          1393: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
        !          1394: can't happen."
        !          1395:                -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
        !          1396: %%
        !          1397: When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
        !          1398: rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
        !          1399: %%
        !          1400: While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
        !          1401: Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
        !          1402:        She explained, "They are flat,
        !          1403:        But think nothing of that --
        !          1404: You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
        !          1405: %%
        !          1406: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
        !          1407: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
        !          1408: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
        !          1409: %%
        !          1410: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
        !          1411: horses?
        !          1412:                -- G. Gordon Liddy
        !          1413: %%
        !          1414: Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
        !          1415: then she isn't good enough for you.
        !          1416: %%
        !          1417: Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
        !          1418: %%
        !          1419: Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
        !          1420:                -- Graffito in a women's restroom
        !          1421: %%
        !          1422: Womens Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
        !          1423: %%
        !          1424: "Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
        !          1425: the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
        !          1426:                -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
        !          1427: %%
        !          1428: You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
        !          1429: uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
        !          1430: no-no, you:
        !          1431: 
        !          1432: (a)  Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
        !          1433:      motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
        !          1434:      joint.
        !          1435: 
        !          1436: (b)  Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
        !          1437:      prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
        !          1438: 
        !          1439: (c)  Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it
        !          1440:      up, blow your nose on your sock.
        !          1441: %%
        !          1442: You are making a presentation to a group of corporate executives in the
        !          1443: plushest board room you have ever seen.  The hot enchillada casserole
        !          1444: and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe
        !          1445: pressure.  Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a
        !          1446: most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a
        !          1447: secretary to pass out.  What you should do next is:
        !          1448: 
        !          1449: (a)  Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
        !          1450: 
        !          1451: (b)  Point out the Marketing Manager and accuse him of the act.
        !          1452: 
        !          1453: (c)  Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
        !          1454: %%
        !          1455: You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
        !          1456: your girlfriend gets the munchies!
        !          1457: %%
        !          1458: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
        !          1459: pick your friend's nose.
        !          1460: %%
        !          1461: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
        !          1462: get back inside.
        !          1463:                --  Heathcote Williams
        !          1464: %%
        !          1465: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
        !          1466: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
        !          1467: there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
        !          1468: 
        !          1469: (a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
        !          1470:      name.
        !          1471: 
        !          1472: (b)  Ask what position she played.
        !          1473: 
        !          1474: (c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
        !          1475: %%
        !          1476: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
        !          1477: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
        !          1478: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
        !          1479: into your coffee.  You:
        !          1480: 
        !          1481: (a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
        !          1482: 
        !          1483: (b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
        !          1484: 
        !          1485: (c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
        !          1486:      basket.
        !          1487: %%

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