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1.1 root 1: My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
2: Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
3: Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
4: Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
5: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
6:
7: Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
8: Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
9: Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
10: These are a few of my favorite drugs.
11:
12: Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
13: Users of heroin, often called junkies
14: Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
15: Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
16:
17: On a bad trip
18: When the cops come
19: When I lose my head
20: I simply take more of my favorite drugs
21: And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
22: %%
23: NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
24: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
25: short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
26: promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
27: our "Big John" doll.)
28: %%
29: ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
30: those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
31: and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
32: Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
33: they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
34: people go to the front of the bus."
35: But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
36: deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
37: yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
38: unto a snowball in Hell."
39: -- "The Begatting of a President"
40: %%
41: ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a
42: thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.
43: It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to
44: masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten
45: a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly
46: baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles.
47: -- Harlan Ellison
48: %%
49: ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
50: it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine.
51: Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
52: Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
53: all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of
54: these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
55: four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
56: publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
57: Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
58: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
59: %%
60: "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
61: "Who else?" answered the patient.
62: %%
63: "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
64: matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
65: pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
66: merriment.
67: "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
68: agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
69: lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
70: though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
71: innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
72: were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
73: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
74: %%
75: Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
76: with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
77: Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
78: define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
79: court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
80: Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
81: it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
82: his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
83: enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
84: ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
85: that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
86: it because the court was going to take a nap.
87: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
88: %%
89: In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
90: without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
91: they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
92: and it stinks."
93:
94: And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
95: "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
96: the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
97: container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
98: before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
99: the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
100: and none may abide by its strength."
101:
102: And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
103: Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
104: it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
105: the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
106: growth of the Laboratories."
107:
108: And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
109: it was Good!
110: %%
111: Overheard in a bar:
112: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
113: Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
114: %%
115: The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
116:
117: My back aches, my pussy is sore;
118: I simply can't fuck any more;
119: I'm covered with sweat,
120: And you haven't come yet,
121: And my God, it's a quarter to four!
122: %%
123: The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just
124: say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
125: primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
126: and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
127: saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
128: you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
129: time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
130: Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
131: So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
132: publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
133: naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
134: naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
135: article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
136: Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
137: others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
138: Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
139: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
140: %%
141: The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
142: claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
143: his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
144:
145: "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
146: not much good in a fight."
147: %%
148: Them Toad Suckers
149:
150: How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
151: Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
152:
153: Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
154: Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
155:
156: Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
157: Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
158:
159: Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
160: Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
161:
162: How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
163: Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
164: -- Mason Williams
165: %%
166: Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
167: how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
168: you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
169: All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
170: their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
171: "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His
172: mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
173: room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
174: "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
175: it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
176: %%
177: Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
178: felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he
179: just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
180: at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this
181: poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
182: mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
183: and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
184: JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
185: manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
186: animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
187: elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
188: of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
189: Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
190: him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
191: blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
192: nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
193: and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
194: to get so pissed."
195: %%
196: "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
197: didn't believe in God."
198: "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
199: God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
200: not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
201: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
202: %%
203: When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
204: operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
205: would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
206: thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
207: patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
208: %%
209: The Split-Atom Blues
210:
211: Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
212: Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
213: But if you split those atoms fine,
214: Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
215:
216: Gimme zits, take my dough,
217: Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
218: Call the devil and sell my soul,
219: But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
220: -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
221: %%
222: ... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
223: and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
224: %%
225: ... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
226: Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
227: bridge.
228: -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
229: %%
230: "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
231: good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
232: scruples and the police."
233: -- Mr. Dooley
234: %%
235: A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
236: wrong with a high sense of consistency.
237: -- J. K. Galbraith
238: %%
239: A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
240: is having fun.
241: %%
242: A bather whose clothing was strewed
243: By breezes that left her quite nude,
244: Saw a man come along
245: And, unless I'm quite wrong,
246: You expected this line to be lewd.
247: %%
248: A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
249: I am not I, I'm a tree."
250: But another, more sane,
251: Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
252: And covered his pants leg with pee.
253: %%
254: A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
255: the first time.
256: -- Alfred E. Wiggam
257: %%
258: A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
259: learned to walk.
260: -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
261: %%
262: A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
263: %%
264: A hard man is good to find.
265: %%
266: A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
267: %%
268: A mathematician named Hall
269: Has a hexahedronical ball,
270: And the cube of its weight
271: Times his pecker's, plus eight
272: Is his phone number -- give him a call..
273: %%
274: A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
275: --Phyllis Schlafly
276: %%
277: A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
278: %%
279: A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
280: called a liberal.
281: %%
282: A pretty young lady named Vogel
283: Once sat herself down on a molehill.
284: A curious mole
285: Nosed into her hole --
286: Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
287: %%
288: A pretty young maiden from France
289: Decided she'd "just take a chance."
290: She let herself go
291: For an hour or so
292: And now all her sisters are aunts.
293: %%
294: A remarkable race are the Persians;
295: They have such peculiar diversions.
296: They make love the whole day
297: In the usual way
298: And save up the nights for perversions.
299: %%
300: A team playing baseball in Dallas
301: Called the umpire blind out of malice.
302: While this worthy had fits
303: The team made eight hits
304: And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
305: %%
306: A wanton young lady from Wimley
307: Reproached for not acting quite primly
308: Said, "Heavens above!
309: I know sex isn't love,
310: But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
311: %%
312: A widow who fancied a man some
313: Was diddled three times in a hansome.
314: When she clamored for more
315: Her young man became sore
316: And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
317: %%
318: "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
319: drawers."
320: --- Blind Lemon Pledge
321: %%
322: A worried young man from Stamboul
323: Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
324: Said the doctor, a cynic,
325: "Get out of my clinic;
326: Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
327: %%
328: AI hackers do it with robots.
329: %%
330: Achilles' Biological Findings:
331: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
332: looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
333: (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
334: -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
335: %%
336: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
337: Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
338: Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
339: Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
340: %%
341: All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
342: place to shift.
343: %%
344: All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
345: All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
346: Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
347: He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
348: All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
349: All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
350: Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
351: Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
352: All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
353: Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
354: -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
355: %%
356: An Army travels on her stomach.
357: %%
358: An architect fellow named Yoric
359: Could, when feeling euphoric,
360: Display for selection
361: Three kinds of erection --
362: Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
363: %%
364: An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
365: murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
366: mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
367: Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
368: suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a
369: murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
370: %%
371: "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
372: unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
373: bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
374: provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
375: -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
376: %%
377: Anxiety, n.:
378: The first time you can't do it a second time.
379:
380: Panic, n.:
381: The second time you can't do it the first time.
382: %%
383: Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
384: popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
385: blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
386: back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
387: slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
388: "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
389: appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
390: spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
391: honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
392: hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!"
393: %%
394: Baltimore, n.:
395: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
396: collars.
397: %%
398: Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
399: %%
400: Behold the unborn fetus and
401: Weep salt tears crocodilian;
402: All life is sacred (save, of course,
403: An enemy civilian).
404: %%
405: Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
406: gin.
407: -- Ralph Nader
408: %%
409: Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
410: For her life held no terrors.
411: A virgin born, a virgin died:
412: No hits, no runs, no errors.
413: %%
414: Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
415: %%
416: Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
417: Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
418: the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
419: nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
420: Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
421: the country was hopelessly trapped.
422: -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
423: %%
424: CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
425:
426: Oh, give me a clone
427: Of my own flesh and bone
428: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
429: And when she is grown,
430: My very own clone,
431: We'll be of the opposite sex.
432:
433: Chorus:
434: Clone, clone of my own,
435: With the Y chromosome changed to X.
436: And when we're alone,
437: Since her mind is my own,
438: She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
439: -- Randall Garrett
440: %%
441: Captain Hook died of jock itch.
442: %%
443: Chaste makes waste.
444: %%
445: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
446: Jack Frost ripping up your nose
447: Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
448: And folks dressed up like buffaloes
449: Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
450: Helps to make the season right
451: Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
452: Will find it hard to see tonight
453: They know that Santa's on his way
454: He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
455: And every mother's child is sure to spy
456: To see if reindeer really scream when they die
457: And so I'm offering this simple phrase
458: To kids from one to ninety two
459: Although it's been said many times, many ways
460: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
461: %%
462: Christian, n.:
463: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
464: book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
465: follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
466: with a life of sin.
467: %%
468: Clarke's Third Law:
469: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
470: magic.
471:
472: G's Third Law:
473: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
474: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
475:
476: H's Dictum:
477: There is no magic ...
478: %%
479: Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
480: %%
481: Coito ergo sum
482: %%
483: College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
484: later you wish you'd never come.
485: %%
486: Communists do it without class.
487: %%
488: Conservative, n.:
489: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
490: -- Leo C. Rosten
491: %%
492: Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
493: %%
494: Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? ____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
495: pillage!!
496: %%
497: Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
498: This visage meek and humble,
499: And hear this confidential plea
500: Voiced in reverent mumble:
501: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
502: But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
503: -- Ansel Adams
504: %%
505: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
506:
507: ... Seats 500.
508: %%
509: Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
510: %%
511: Do something big -- fuck a giant
512: %%
513: Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
514: %%
515: "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
516: -- Bo Diddley
517: %%
518: Draft beer, not people
519: %%
520: Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
521: 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
522: sleep in the wet spot.
523: 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
524: 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
525: ... is married
526: ... is on penicillin
527: ... likes you -- but loves your brother!
528: 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
529: 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
530: 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
531: 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
532: 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
533: 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
534: 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
535: 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
536: %%
537: Evangelists do it with Him watching.
538: %%
539: Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
540: licentious, dirty bum!!
541: %%
542: Floppy now, hard later.
543: %%
544: Fornication, n.:
545: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
546: %%
547: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
548: he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
549: punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
550: %%
551: Getting an education at the University of California is like
552: having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
553: %%
554: God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
555: %%
556: God is an atheist.
557: %%
558: God isn't dead -- he's been busted
559: %%
560: God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
561: %%
562: God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
563: %%
564: God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
565: where to go.
566: "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
567: "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
568: "Well, how about Mercury?"
569: "No, it's too hot there."
570: "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
571: "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
572: there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
573: still talking about it."
574: %%
575: Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
576: %%
577: Grain grows best in shit
578: -- Ursula K. LeGuin
579: %%
580: Great Lover, n.:
581: A man who can breathe through his ears.
582: %%
583: Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
584: %%
585: Hackers do it with bugs.
586: %%
587: Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
588: %%
589: Hackers know all the right MOVs.
590: %%
591: Haggis, n.:
592: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
593: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
594: consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
595: other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
596: in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a
597: minute ...
598: %%
599: Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
600: to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
601: difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
602: former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
603: facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
604: historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
605: ankles in bullshit.
606: -- Tom Robbins
607: %%
608: Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
609: for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
610: attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
611: as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
612: Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
613: finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
614: -- R. E. Masters
615: %%
616: He hated to mend, so young Ned
617: Called in a cute neighbor instead.
618: Her husband said, "Vi,
619: When you stitched up his torn fly,
620: Did you have to bite off the thread?"
621: %%
622: He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
623: _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
624: qualified for!
625: -- Michael Cain
626: %%
627: He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
628: damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
629: %%
630: He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
631: hands.
632: %%
633: Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
634: %%
635: History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
636: i.e., none to speak of.
637: -- Lazarus Long
638: %%
639: "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
640: government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
641: gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
642: lucky to escape with our skins!"
643: %%
644: Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
645: -- John Valby
646: %%
647: Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
648: %%
649: I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
650: once was ... an arctic wilderness
651: -- Steve Martin
652: %%
653: I came; I saw; I fucked up
654: %%
655: I have a funny daddy
656: Who goes in and out with me
657: And everything that baby does
658: Daddy's sure to see,
659: And everything that baby says,
660: My daddy's sure to tell.
661: You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
662: I hope he fries in Hell.
663: -- Ogden Nash
664: %%
665: I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
666: %%
667: I once met a lassie named Ruth
668: In a long distance telephone booth.
669: Now I know the perfection
670: Of an ideal connection
671: Even if somewhat uncouth.
672: %%
673: "I own my own body, but I share"
674: %%
675: I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
676: Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
677: trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
678: go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
679: that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
680: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
681: %%
682: I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
683: oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
684: commerce.
685: -- J. Edgar Hoover
686: %%
687: I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
688: -- Barry Goldwater
689: %%
690: I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
691: that has ever happened, and vice versa.
692: -- Frank Zappa
693: %%
694: I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
695: scares the shit out of me.
696: -- R. Geis
697: %%
698: I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
699: now.
700: %%
701: If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
702: %%
703: If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
704: %%
705: If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
706: %%
707: If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
708: %%
709: If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
710: suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
711: fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
712: only two went back to women.
713: -- Mort Sahl
714: %%
715: If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
716: should join
717:
718: THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
719:
720: The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
721: do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
722: addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
723: following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
724:
725: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
726: UFOs come.
727: -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
728: -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
729: -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
730: the circle.
731: -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
732: -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
733:
734: Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
735: studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
736: done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
737: of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
738: %%
739: If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
740: in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
741: %%
742: If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
743: %%
744: "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
745: buzz-saw."
746: -- W. C. Fields
747: %%
748: Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
749: -- Robert Burton
750: %%
751: I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
752: it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
753: government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
754: -- Groucho Marx
755: %%
756: In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
757: Massaging the bust of his madam,
758: He chuckled with mirth,
759: For he knew that on earth,
760: There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
761: %%
762: Incest, n.:
763: Sibling revelry.
764: %%
765: It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
766: classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
767: %%
768: "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
769: watch him have another."
770: %%
771: Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
772: %%
773: Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
774: %%
775: John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
776: apoplexy.
777: -- Edward P. Morgan
778: %%
779: Kasha, n.:
780: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
781: problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? _I
782: know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help ___you much.
783: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
784: %%
785: Kill a commie for Christ!
786: %%
787: Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
788: all will end as doves.
789: %%
790: Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
791: %%
792: Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
793: hard you get fucked.
794: %%
795: Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
796: %%
797: Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
798: fruits and nuts is flakes.
799: %%
800: Mathematicians do it in theory.
801: %%
802: Mathematicians take it to the limit.
803: %%
804: Missionary Position:
805: The missionary on top.
806: %%
807: Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot
808: if the instructions were printed on the heel.
809: %%
810: Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
811: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
812: stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
813: %%
814: My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
815: with his head stuck up his ass.
816: %%
817: Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
818: everyone but her.
819: %%
820: Nothing is better than Sex.
821: Masturbation is better than nothing.
822: Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
823: %%
824: O'Riordan's Theorem:
825: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
826:
827: Purmal's Corollary:
828: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
829: availability goes to zero.
830: %%
831: Occident, n.:
832: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
833: is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
834: Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
835: they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
836: principal industries of the Orient.
837: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
838: %%
839: Ocean, n.:
840: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
841: man -- who has no gills.
842: %%
843: Once a young gay from Khartoum
844: Took a lesbian up to his room.
845: They argued all night
846: Over who had the right
847: To do what, and with which, and to whom.
848: %%
849: Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
850: fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
851: the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
852: After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
853: earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
854: little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
855: warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
856: began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
857: chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
858: he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
859:
860: There are three morals to this story:
861:
862: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
863: 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
864: 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
865: %%
866: One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
867: were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
868: nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
869: Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
870: passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
871: "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
872: be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
873: leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
874: democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
875: following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
876: there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
877: Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
878: productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
879: hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
880: there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
881: %%
882: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
883: look at the other guy's.
884: -- Hal Hickman
885: %%
886: Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
887: possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
888: case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
889: pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
890: way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
891: comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been
892: on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
893: her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
894: catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
895: elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
896: were men on base.
897: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
898: %%
899: Physicists do it with charm
900: %%
901: Politicians do it to everyone.
902: %%
903: Posterity will ne'er survey
904: A nobler grave than this;
905: Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
906: Stop, traveler, and piss.
907: -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
908: %%
909: Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
910: %%
911: Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
912: still come out ahead.
913: %%
914: Q: How do you play religious roulette?
915: A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
916: by lightning first.
917: %%
918: Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
919: backyard?
920: A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
921: %%
922: Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
923: or an airline stewardess?
924: A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're
925: going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
926: right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
927: and nose, and breath normally."
928: %%
929: Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
930: A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
931: screwing began.
932: %%
933: Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
934: A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
935: %%
936: Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
937: be?
938: A: A fur coat.
939: %%
940: Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
941: A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
942: %%
943: Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
944: A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
945: %%
946: Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
947: A: Two hours of begging.
948: %%
949: Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
950: A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
951: %%
952: Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
953: A: Ugly sheep.
954: %%
955: Randel, n.:
956: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
957: for farting at a friend.
958: -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
959: Preposterous Words
960: %%
961: Reagan can't _a_c_t either
962: %%
963: Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
964: sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
965: changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
966: grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
967: liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
968: do with the other.
969: -- Jules Feiffer
970: %%
971: Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
972: Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
973:
974: Democrats eat the fish they catch.
975: Republicans hang them on the wall.
976:
977: Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
978: girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
979:
980: Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
981: Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
982:
983: Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
984: The remainder is thrown out.
985:
986: Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
987: That is why there are more Democrats.
988: -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
989: %%
990: Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
991: %%
992: Said Einstein, "I have an equation
993: Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
994: Let _V be virginity
995: Approaching infinity;
996: Let _P be a constant persuasion;
997:
998: "Let _V over _P be inverted
999: With the square root of _M_u inserted
1000: _N times into _V ...
1001: The result, Q.E.D.,
1002: Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
1003: %%
1004: Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
1005: "My favorite sport is coitus."
1006: But a fullback from State
1007: Made her period late,
1008: And now she has athlete's fetus
1009: %%
1010: Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
1011: Whose virtue was largely a myth,
1012: "Try as hard as I can,
1013: I can't find a man
1014: That it's fun to be virtuous with."
1015: %%
1016: Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
1017: %%
1018: Sex is like a bridge game --
1019: If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
1020: %%
1021: Sex is the poor man's opera.
1022: -- G. B. Shaw
1023: %%
1024: She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
1025: you any other way."
1026: %%
1027: She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
1028: candidates for president.
1029: -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
1030: Elizabeth Gould Davis
1031: %%
1032: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
1033: %%
1034: Statisticians probably do it.
1035: %%
1036: Subpoena,n .:
1037: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
1038: organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
1039: %%
1040: Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
1041: -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
1042: the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
1043: Association
1044: %%
1045: Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
1046: forgets?
1047: %%
1048: Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
1049: you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
1050: %%
1051: The United States Army;
1052: 194 years of proud service,
1053: unhampered by progress.
1054: %%
1055: The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
1056: from the food it produces.
1057: %%
1058: The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
1059: cactus has the pricks on the outside.
1060: %%
1061: The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
1062: %%
1063: The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
1064: chance to prove it.
1065: %%
1066: The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
1067: in front every time you want to kiss her.
1068: %%
1069: The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
1070: dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
1071: and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
1072: %%
1073: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
1074: %%
1075: "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
1076: -- Humphrey Bogart
1077: %%
1078: The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
1079: almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
1080: have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
1081: down in silly puns about "standing erect".
1082: -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1083: %%
1084: The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
1085: %%
1086: There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
1087: %%
1088: There once was a Scot named McAmeter
1089: With a tool of prodigious diameter.
1090: It was not the size
1091: That cause such surprise;
1092: 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
1093: %%
1094: There once was a couple named Kelley,
1095: Who lived their life belly to belly.
1096: Because in their haste
1097: They used Library Paste,
1098: Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
1099: %%
1100: There once was a freshman named Lin,
1101: Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1102: A virgin named Joan
1103: From a bible belt home,
1104: Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1105: %%
1106: There once was a hacker named Ken
1107: Who inherited truckloads of Yen
1108: So he built him some chicks
1109: Of silicon chips
1110: And hasn't been heard from since then.
1111: %%
1112: There once was a lady from Exeter,
1113: So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
1114: One was even so brave
1115: As to take out and wave
1116: The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
1117: %%
1118: There once was a plumber from Leigh,
1119: Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
1120: Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
1121: I think someone's coming!"
1122: Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
1123: %%
1124: There once was a queen of Bulgaria
1125: Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
1126: Till a prince from Peru
1127: Who came up for a screw
1128: Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
1129: %%
1130: There once was a young man named Gene
1131: Who invented a screwing machine
1132: Concave and convex
1133: It served either sex
1134: And it played with itself in between.
1135: %%
1136: There was a bluestocking in Florence
1137: Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
1138: Till a Spanish grandee,
1139: Got her off with his knee,
1140: And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
1141: %%
1142: There was a gay countess of Bray,
1143: And you may think it odd when I say,
1144: That in spite of high station,
1145: Rank and education,
1146: She always spelled cunt with a "k".
1147: %%
1148: There was a young fellow named Bliss
1149: Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
1150: For even with Venus
1151: His recalcitrant penis
1152: Would never do better than t
1153: h
1154: i
1155: s
1156: .
1157: %%
1158: There was a young girl from Hong Kong
1159: Whose cervical cap was a gong.
1160: She said with a yell,
1161: As a shot rang her bell,
1162: "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
1163: %%
1164: There was a young girl named Sapphire
1165: Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
1166: She said, "It's a sin,
1167: But now that it's in,
1168: Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
1169: %%
1170: There was a young girl of Angina
1171: Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
1172: From the love-making frock
1173: (With the proper sized cock)
1174: Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
1175: %%
1176: There was a young girl of Darjeeling
1177: Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
1178: There was never a sound
1179: For miles around
1180: Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
1181: %%
1182: There was a young lad name of Durcan
1183: Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
1184: His father said, "Durcan!
1185: Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
1186: Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
1187: %%
1188: There was a young lady from Maine
1189: Who claimed she had men on her brain.
1190: But you knew from the view,
1191: As her abdomen grew,
1192: It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
1193: %%
1194: There was a young lady named Clair
1195: Who possessed a magnificent pair;
1196: At least so I thought
1197: Till I saw one get caught
1198: On a thorn, and begin losing air.
1199: %%
1200: There was a young lady named Hall,
1201: Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
1202: The dress caught on fire
1203: And burned her entire
1204: Front page, sporting section, and all.
1205: %%
1206: There was a young lady named Twiss
1207: Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
1208: For it tickled her bum
1209: And caused her to come
1210: .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
1211: %%
1212: There was a young lady of Norway
1213: Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
1214: She said to her beau
1215: "Just look at me Joe
1216: I think I've discovered one more way."
1217: %%
1218: There was a young man from Bel-Aire
1219: Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
1220: But the banister broke
1221: So he doubled his stroke
1222: And finished her off in mid-air.
1223: %%
1224: There was a young man named Crockett
1225: Whose balls got caught in a socket.
1226: His wife was a bitch,
1227: And she threw the switch,
1228: As Crockett went off like a rocket.
1229: %%
1230: There was a young man of Cape Horn
1231: Who wished he had never been born,
1232: And he wouldn't have been
1233: If his father had seen
1234: That the end of the rubber was torn.
1235: %%
1236: There was a young man of St. John's
1237: Who wanted to bugger the swans.
1238: But the loyal hall porter
1239: Said, "Pray take my daughter!
1240: Those birds are reserved for the dons."
1241: %%
1242: There was a young whore from kaloo
1243: Who filled her vagina with glue.
1244: She said with a grin,
1245: "If they pay to get in,
1246: They can pay to get out again too!"
1247: %%
1248: There was an old man of the port
1249: Whose prick was remarkably short.
1250: When he got into bed,
1251: The old woman said,
1252: "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
1253: %%
1254: There was an old pirate named Bates
1255: Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
1256: He fell on his cutlass
1257: Which rendered him nutless
1258: And practically useless on dates.
1259: %%
1260: There were the Scots
1261: Who kept the Sabbath
1262: And everything else they could lay their hands on.
1263: Then there were the Welsh
1264: Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
1265: Thirdly there were the Irish
1266: Who never knew what they wanted
1267: But were willing to fight for it anyway.
1268: Lastly there were the English
1269: Who considered themselves a self-made nation
1270: Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
1271: %%
1272: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1273: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
1274: %%
1275: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1276: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
1277: %%
1278: There's more than one way to skin a cat:
1279: Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
1280: %%
1281: There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
1282: and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
1283: -- Billy Joel
1284: %%
1285: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
1286: -- David Mairowitz
1287: %%
1288: They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
1289: are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
1290:
1291: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
1292: confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
1293: a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
1294: of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
1295: including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
1296: cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
1297: factory puts them there.
1298: (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
1299: announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
1300: piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
1301: get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
1302: state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
1303: where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
1304: fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
1305: vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
1306: impression.
1307: -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1308: %%
1309: This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
1310: %%
1311: This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
1312: actual emergency, you would have known it!
1313: %%
1314: This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
1315: "di-dah" for the filthy words:
1316:
1317: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
1318: Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
1319: di-dah di-dah di-dah?
1320: Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
1321: Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
1322: %%
1323: This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
1324: personal to various situations.
1325:
1326: You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
1327: in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
1328: egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
1329: Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
1330: bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
1331:
1332: YOU SHOULD:
1333:
1334: (A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
1335: (B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
1336: (C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
1337: %%
1338: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
1339: %%
1340: To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
1341: %%
1342: "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
1343: name."
1344: -- Gore Vidal
1345: %%
1346: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
1347: Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
1348: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
1349: And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
1350:
1351: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
1352: The looks that melt, the claws that and through
1353: catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
1354: Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
1355: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
1356:
1357: He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
1358: Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
1359: sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
1360: So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
1361: And paused to smoke some pot.
1362: 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
1363: Did groove and trip out at the pad:
1364: All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
1365: And the Radcliffe undergrad.
1366: %%
1367: "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
1368: opposite."
1369: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
1370: %%
1371: Vidi, vici, veni.
1372: (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
1373: %%
1374: Virgin, n.:
1375: An ugly third grader.
1376: %%
1377: War is menstruation envy.
1378: %%
1379: We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
1380: %%
1381: "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
1382: hand."
1383: -- James Watt
1384: %%
1385: Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
1386: my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
1387: you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
1388: %%
1389: What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
1390: %%
1391: When God created man, She was only testing.
1392: %%
1393: "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
1394: can't happen."
1395: -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
1396: %%
1397: When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
1398: rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
1399: %%
1400: While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
1401: Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
1402: She explained, "They are flat,
1403: But think nothing of that --
1404: You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
1405: %%
1406: "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
1407: so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
1408: time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
1409: %%
1410: Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
1411: horses?
1412: -- G. Gordon Liddy
1413: %%
1414: Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
1415: then she isn't good enough for you.
1416: %%
1417: Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
1418: %%
1419: Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
1420: -- Graffito in a women's restroom
1421: %%
1422: Womens Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
1423: %%
1424: "Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
1425: the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
1426: -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
1427: %%
1428: You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
1429: uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
1430: no-no, you:
1431:
1432: (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
1433: motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
1434: joint.
1435:
1436: (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
1437: prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
1438:
1439: (c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it
1440: up, blow your nose on your sock.
1441: %%
1442: You are making a presentation to a group of corporate executives in the
1443: plushest board room you have ever seen. The hot enchillada casserole
1444: and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe
1445: pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a
1446: most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a
1447: secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:
1448:
1449: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
1450:
1451: (b) Point out the Marketing Manager and accuse him of the act.
1452:
1453: (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
1454: %%
1455: You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
1456: your girlfriend gets the munchies!
1457: %%
1458: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
1459: pick your friend's nose.
1460: %%
1461: You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
1462: get back inside.
1463: -- Heathcote Williams
1464: %%
1465: You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
1466: and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
1467: there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
1468:
1469: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
1470: name.
1471:
1472: (b) Ask what position she played.
1473:
1474: (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
1475: %%
1476: You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
1477: proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
1478: proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
1479: into your coffee. You:
1480:
1481: (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
1482:
1483: (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
1484:
1485: (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
1486: basket.
1487: %%
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