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Annotation of 43BSDTahoe/games/fortune/scene, revision 1.1

1.1     ! root        1:                        -- Gifts for Children --
        !             2: 
        !             3: This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
        !             4: because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
        !             5: and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
        !             6: morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
        !             7: exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
        !             8: your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
        !             9: Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
        !            10: might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
        !            11: me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
        !            12: who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
        !            13:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !            14: %%
        !            15:                        -- Gifts for Men --
        !            16: 
        !            17: Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
        !            18: ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
        !            19: should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
        !            20: clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
        !            21: example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
        !            22: three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
        !            23: that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
        !            24: at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
        !            25: So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
        !            26: years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
        !            27: pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
        !            28: 
        !            29: If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
        !            30: than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
        !            31: of tires.
        !            32:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !            33: %%
        !            34:                        *** NEWSFLASH ***
        !            35: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
        !            36: %%
        !            37:                        DELETE A FORTUNE!
        !            38: 
        !            39: Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
        !            40: to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
        !            41: "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
        !            42: gets expunged.
        !            43: %%
        !            44:                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test
        !            45: 
        !            46: 7:     The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail
        !            47:        light but a steady left tail light.  This means
        !            48: 
        !            49:        (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
        !            50:            to call the problem to the driver's attention.
        !            51:        (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
        !            52:        (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
        !            53:        (d) the driver is from out of town.
        !            54: 
        !            55: The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
        !            56: countries to signal turns.
        !            57: %%
        !            58:                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test
        !            59: 
        !            60: 8:     Pedestrians are
        !            61: 
        !            62:        (a) irrelevant.
        !            63:        (b) communists.
        !            64:        (c) a nuisance.
        !            65:        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
        !            66: 
        !            67: The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
        !            68: totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
        !            69: %%
        !            70:                        Has your family tried 'em?
        !            71: 
        !            72:                           POWDERMILK BISCUITS
        !            73: 
        !            74:                 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
        !            75: 
        !            76:            They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
        !            77:           the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
        !            78: 
        !            79:                           POWDERMILK BISCUITS
        !            80: 
        !            81:        Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
        !            82:        the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
        !            83:                     stains that indicate freshness.
        !            84: %%
        !            85:                      THE STORY OF CREATION
        !            86:                               or
        !            87:                         THE MYTH OF URK
        !            88: 
        !            89: In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
        !            90: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
        !            91: was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
        !            92: registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
        !            93: and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
        !            94: Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
        !            95: and there was morning, one interrupt ...
        !            96:                -- Rico Tudor
        !            97: %%
        !            98:                     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
        !            99:                          by Mark Isaak
        !           100: 
        !           101:        Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
        !           102: character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
        !           103: hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
        !           104: are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
        !           105: BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
        !           106: to him.
        !           107:        So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
        !           108: he met the traveling salesman.
        !           109:        "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
        !           110: in high-level language.
        !           111:        "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
        !           112: and Apples," commented Jack.
        !           113:        "I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
        !           114: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
        !           115:        Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
        !           116: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
        !           117: started thrashing.
        !           118:        "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
        !           119: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
        !           120: window ...
        !           121: %%
        !           122:                A Severe Strain on the Credulity
        !           123: 
        !           124: As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
        !           125: parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
        !           126: is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
        !           127: considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
        !           128: begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
        !           129: starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
        !           130: maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
        !           131: Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
        !           132: of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
        !           133: re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
        !           134: against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
        !           135: knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
        !           136:                -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
        !           137: %%
        !           138:                AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
        !           139: 
        !           140: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
        !           141: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
        !           142: %%
        !           143:                AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
        !           144: 
        !           145: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
        !           146: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
        !           147: %%
        !           148:                Another Glitch in the Call
        !           149:                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        !           150:        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
        !           151: 
        !           152: We don't need no indirection
        !           153: We don't need no flow control
        !           154: No data typing or declarations
        !           155: Did you leave the lists alone?
        !           156: 
        !           157:        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
        !           158: 
        !           159: Chorus:
        !           160:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !           161:        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        !           162: %%
        !           163:                Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
        !           164: 
        !           165: 1.  None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
        !           166: 2.  Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
        !           167: 3.  I don't know.
        !           168: 4.  Who cares?
        !           169: 5.  6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
        !           170:     Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
        !           171: 6.  There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
        !           172:     book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
        !           173:     bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
        !           174:     Papyrus Books).
        !           175: %%
        !           176:                DETERIORATA
        !           177: 
        !           178: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
        !           179: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
        !           180: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
        !           181: Rotate your tires.
        !           182: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
        !           183: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
        !           184: Know what to kiss -- and when.
        !           185: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
        !           186: But that three do.
        !           187: Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
        !           188: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
        !           189: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
        !           190: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
        !           191: 
        !           192:        You are a fluke of the universe ...
        !           193:        You have no right to be here.
        !           194:        Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
        !           195:        Is laughing behind your back.
        !           196:                -- National Lampoon
        !           197: %%
        !           198:                Gimmie That Old Time Religion
        !           199: We will follow Zarathustra,            We will worship like the Druids,
        !           200: Zarathustra like we use to,            Dancing naked in the woods,
        !           201: I'm a Zarathustra booster,             Drinking strange fermented fluids,
        !           202: And he's good enough for me!           And it's good enough for me!
        !           203:        (chorus)                                (chorus)
        !           204: 
        !           205: In the church of Aphrodite,
        !           206: The priestess wears a see through nightie,
        !           207: She's a mighty righteous sightie,
        !           208: And she's good enough for me!
        !           209:        (chorus)
        !           210: 
        !           211: CHORUS:        Give me that old time religion,
        !           212:        Give me that old time religion,
        !           213:        Give me that old time religion,
        !           214:        'Cause it's good enough for me!
        !           215: %%
        !           216:                MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
        !           217: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
        !           218: Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
        !           219: the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
        !           220: Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
        !           221: paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
        !           222: took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
        !           223: their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
        !           224: said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
        !           225: fight and the match was called by officials.
        !           226: %%
        !           227:                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
        !           228: 1.  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
        !           229:     bomb; use the stairs.
        !           230: 2.  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
        !           231:     the ground.
        !           232: 3.  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
        !           233: 4.  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
        !           234:     psychological problems.
        !           235: 5.  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognize
        !           236:     foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
        !           237:     shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
        !           238: 6.  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
        !           239:     be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
        !           240: 7.  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
        !           241: 8.  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
        !           242:     staggering illegally.
        !           243: 9.  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
        !           244:     sanitary due to limited circulation.
        !           245: 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
        !           246:     D-Day.
        !           247: %%
        !           248:                The STAR WARS Song
        !           249:        Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
        !           250: 
        !           251: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
        !           252: Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
        !           253:        S-O-D-A soda
        !           254: I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
        !           255: I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
        !           256:        Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !           257: 
        !           258: Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
        !           259: A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
        !           260:        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !           261: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
        !           262: How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
        !           263:        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
        !           264: %%
        !           265:                'Twas the Night before Crisis
        !           266: 
        !           267: 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
        !           268:        Not a program was working not even a browse.
        !           269: The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
        !           270:        Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
        !           271: The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
        !           272:        While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
        !           273: When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
        !           274:        I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
        !           275: And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
        !           276:        But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
        !           277: More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
        !           278:        And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
        !           279: On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
        !           280:        On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
        !           281: His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
        !           282:        From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
        !           283: A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
        !           284:        Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
        !           285: %%
        !           286:                William Safire's Rules for Writers:
        !           287: 
        !           288: Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
        !           289: be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
        !           290: agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
        !           291: out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
        !           292: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
        !           293: not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
        !           294: conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
        !           295: sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
        !           296: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
        !           297: words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
        !           298: must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
        !           299: linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
        !           300: metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
        !           301: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
        !           302: writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
        !           303: the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
        !           304: viable alternatives.
        !           305: %%
        !           306:                (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
        !           307: Scratch the disks, dump the core,      Shut it down, pull the plug
        !           308: Roll the tapes across the floor,       Give the core an extra tug
        !           309: And the system is going to crash.      And the system is going to crash.
        !           310: Teletypes smashed to bits.             Mem'ry cards, one and all,
        !           311: Give the scopes some nasty hits                Toss out halfway down the hall
        !           312: And the system is going to crash.      And the system is going to crash.
        !           313: And we've also found                   Just flip one switch
        !           314: When you turn the power down,          And the lights will cease to twitch
        !           315: You turn the disk readers into trash.  And the tape drives will crumble
        !           316:                                                in a flash.
        !           317: Oh, it's so much fun,                  When the CPU
        !           318: Now the CPU won't run                  Can print nothing out but "foo,"
        !           319: And the system is going to crash.      The system is going to crash.
        !           320: %%
        !           321:         A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
        !           322:                          by Mark Twain
        !           323: 
        !           324:        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
        !           325: to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
        !           326: be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
        !           327: would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
        !           328: might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
        !           329: same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
        !           330: "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        !           331:        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
        !           332: with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
        !           333: or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
        !           334: Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
        !           335: ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
        !           336: ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        !           337:        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
        !           338: hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
        !           339: %%
        !           340:        ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
        !           341: personal lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the
        !           342: best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
        !           343: Eighties people buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking
        !           344: soda.  If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
        !           345: reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
        !           346: table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
        !           347: not an excellent restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous
        !           348: crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
        !           349: beepers going off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant
        !           350: wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
        !           351: Liza Minnelli.
        !           352:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !           353: %%
        !           354:        A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
        !           355: eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
        !           356: test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
        !           357:        Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
        !           358: the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
        !           359: %%
        !           360:        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
        !           361: about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
        !           362: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
        !           363: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
        !           364: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
        !           365: incredible surgical feat."
        !           366:        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
        !           367: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
        !           368: that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
        !           369: architect."
        !           370:        The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
        !           371: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
        !           372: %%
        !           373:        A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
        !           374: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
        !           375:        "No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
        !           376: and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
        !           377:        "But the collar is up around my ears!"
        !           378:        "It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
        !           379: little more ... that's it."
        !           380:        "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
        !           381:        "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
        !           382: go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
        !           383:        So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
        !           384: street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
        !           385:        "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
        !           386:        "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
        !           387:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           388: %%
        !           389:        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
        !           390: the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
        !           391: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
        !           392: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
        !           393:        "If what?" asked the composer.
        !           394:        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
        !           395: %%
        !           396:        A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
        !           397: upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
        !           398: "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
        !           399: man".
        !           400:        As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
        !           401: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
        !           402: %%
        !           403:        AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
        !           404: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
        !           405: a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
        !           406: impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
        !           407: again.  People think you are stupid.
        !           408: %%
        !           409:        ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
        !           410: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
        !           411: quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
        !           412: nice.
        !           413: %%
        !           414:        After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
        !           415: Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
        !           416: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
        !           417: to be created."
        !           418:        "This is true," He replied.
        !           419:        "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
        !           420:        "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
        !           421: right to make his laws?"
        !           422:        "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
        !           423: his own."
        !           424:        It was so granted.
        !           425:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !           426: %%
        !           427:        An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
        !           428: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
        !           429:        "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
        !           430: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
        !           431: an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
        !           432: hour seems like a minute."
        !           433:        The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
        !           434: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
        !           435:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           436: %%
        !           437:        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
        !           438: asked the father of his little son.
        !           439:        "Diet."
        !           440: %%
        !           441:        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
        !           442: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
        !           443: think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
        !           444: you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
        !           445: Cancer people.
        !           446: %%
        !           447:        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
        !           448: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
        !           449: anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
        !           450: importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
        !           451: they take root and become trees.
        !           452: %%
        !           453:        COMMENT
        !           454: 
        !           455: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
        !           456: A medley of extemporanea;
        !           457: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
        !           458: And I am Marie of Roumania.
        !           459:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           460: %%
        !           461:        Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
        !           462: 
        !           463: Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
        !           464: Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
        !           465: Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
        !           466: Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
        !           467: 
        !           468: Don't we know archaic barrel,
        !           469: Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
        !           470: Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
        !           471: Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
        !           472:                -- Walt Kelly
        !           473: %%
        !           474:        "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all
        !           475: sorts of marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got
        !           476: a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
        !           477: those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
        !           478: blessed.
        !           479:                -- Randy Davis
        !           480: %%
        !           481:        During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
        !           482: were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
        !           483: red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
        !           484: "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
        !           485:        "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
        !           486: shot at mine, over there."
        !           487: %%
        !           488:        Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
        !           489: mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
        !           490: "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
        !           491: how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
        !           492: "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
        !           493: So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
        !           494:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !           495: %%
        !           496:        FIGHTING WORDS
        !           497: 
        !           498: Say my love is easy had,
        !           499:        Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
        !           500: Say I am too often sad --
        !           501:        Still behold me at your side.
        !           502: 
        !           503: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
        !           504:        Say I woo and coddle care,
        !           505: Say the devil touched my tongue --
        !           506:        Still you have my heart to wear.
        !           507: 
        !           508: But say my verses do not scan,
        !           509:        And I get me another man!
        !           510:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           511: %%
        !           512:        Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
        !           513: other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
        !           514: the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
        !           515: d'oeuvres.
        !           516:        Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
        !           517: to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
        !           518: Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
        !           519: piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
        !           520:        Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
        !           521: inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
        !           522: other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
        !           523: placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
        !           524: the little hammers strike.
        !           525:        Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
        !           526: their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
        !           527: Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.
        !           528: 
        !           529:        You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
        !           530: you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
        !           531: 4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
        !           532: %%
        !           533:        "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
        !           534: of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
        !           535: 
        !           536:        "Whose?"
        !           537: 
        !           538:        "MINE! HA-HA!"
        !           539: %%
        !           540:        GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
        !           541: You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
        !           542: are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
        !           543: little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
        !           544: incest.
        !           545: %%
        !           546:        GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917
        !           547: 
        !           548: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
        !           549: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
        !           550: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
        !           551: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
        !           552: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
        !           553: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
        !           554: stood lookout.
        !           555: %%
        !           556:        "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
        !           557: extracurricular activity except you."
        !           558:        "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
        !           559:        "Only to ten, Mudhead."
        !           560: 
        !           561:                        -- Firesign Theater
        !           562: %%
        !           563:        Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
        !           564: month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
        !           565: are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
        !           566:        The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
        !           567: (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
        !           568: tadpole".
        !           569:        Bite the wax tadpole.
        !           570:        There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
        !           571:        The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
        !           572: hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
        !           573: bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
        !           574: but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
        !           575:                -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
        !           576: %%
        !           577:        "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
        !           578: voice.
        !           579:        "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
        !           580: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
        !           581: I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
        !           582: Elven-lore:
        !           583: 
        !           584:        "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
        !           585:        Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
        !           586:        Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
        !           587:        This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
        !           588:        The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
        !           589:        The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
        !           590:        If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
        !           591:        If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
        !           592: %%
        !           593:        "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
        !           594:        Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't--
        !           595: till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
        !           596: you!'"
        !           597:        "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
        !           598: objected.
        !           599:        "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
        !           600: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
        !           601: less."
        !           602:        "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
        !           603: so many different things."
        !           604:        "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
        !           605: that's all."
        !           606:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !           607: %%
        !           608:        "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
        !           609: that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
        !           610: more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
        !           611: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
        !           612: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
        !           613: otherwise.'"
        !           614:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !           615: %%
        !           616:        INVENTORY
        !           617: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
        !           618: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
        !           619: 
        !           620: Four be the things I'd been better without:
        !           621: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
        !           622: 
        !           623: Three be the things I shall never attain:
        !           624: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
        !           625: 
        !           626: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
        !           627: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
        !           628: %%
        !           629:        In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
        !           630: junior, what are you up to?"
        !           631:        "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
        !           632: rabbit.
        !           633:        "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
        !           634:        "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
        !           635: rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
        !           636: expression on his face.
        !           637:        Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
        !           638:        "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
        !           639: devour wolves."
        !           640:        "Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"
        !           641:        "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
        !           642: out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
        !           643: Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
        !           644: should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
        !           645: next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
        !           646: 
        !           647: The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
        !           648: it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
        !           649: %%
        !           650:        It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your
        !           651: parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all
        !           652: to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will
        !           653: have to act like mature human beings ...
        !           654:                -- Playboy, January 1983
        !           655: %%
        !           656:        It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
        !           657: laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
        !           658: thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
        !           659: nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
        !           660: for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
        !           661:        Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
        !           662: under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
        !           663: icepacks.
        !           664:                -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !           665: %%
        !           666:        LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        !           667: You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
        !           668: Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
        !           669: Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
        !           670: %%
        !           671:        LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        !           672: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
        !           673: you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
        !           674: and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
        !           675: All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
        !           676: %%
        !           677:        Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
        !           678: lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
        !           679: getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
        !           680: the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
        !           681: sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
        !           682: you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
        !           683: What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
        !           684: of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
        !           685: the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
        !           686: whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
        !           687: Lassie filed the applications for.
        !           688:                -- Dave Barry
        !           689: %%
        !           690:        Love's Drug
        !           691: 
        !           692: My love is like an iron wand 
        !           693:        That conks me on the head,
        !           694: My love is like the valium 
        !           695:        That I take before me bed,
        !           696: My love is like the pint of scotch 
        !           697:        That I drink when i be dry;
        !           698: And I shall love thee still my dear,
        !           699:        Until my wife is wise.
        !           700: %%
        !           701:        Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
        !           702: Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
        !           703: pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
        !           704: military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
        !           705: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
        !           706:        They can't prove who they are because they've left their
        !           707: passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
        !           708: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
        !           709: movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
        !           710: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
        !           711:        The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
        !           712: they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
        !           713: if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
        !           714: her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
        !           715: possible, and turns to Murray.
        !           716:        "This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
        !           717: spits in the sergeants face.
        !           718:        "Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
        !           719:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           720: %%
        !           721:        On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
        !           722: receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
        !           723: income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
        !           724: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
        !           725:        "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
        !           726: route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
        !           727:        "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
        !           728: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
        !           729: worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
        !           730: %%
        !           731:        Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
        !           732: great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
        !           733: the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
        !           734: life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
        !           735: one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
        !           736: going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
        !           737: shall die of boredom."
        !           738:        The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that
        !           739: current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
        !           740: rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
        !           741:        But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
        !           742: and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
        !           743: Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
        !           744: lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
        !           745:        And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
        !           746: "See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
        !           747: Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
        !           748: said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
        !           749: free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
        !           750: adventure.
        !           751:        But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
        !           752: the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
        !           753: %%
        !           754:        One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
        !           755: enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
        !           756:        Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
        !           757: years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
        !           758: Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple
        !           759: language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for
        !           760: students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
        !           761: interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of
        !           762: its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on
        !           763: VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
        !           764:        It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
        !           765: run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
        !           766: will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
        !           767:        With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
        !           768: quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With
        !           769: VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
        !           770: documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the
        !           771: difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
        !           772: is that it's all there.
        !           773:                -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
        !           774: %%
        !           775:        PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
        !           776: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
        !           777: the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
        !           778: people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
        !           779: you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
        !           780: animals.
        !           781: %%
        !           782:        "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
        !           783: Candy
        !           784: Is dandy
        !           785: But liquor
        !           786: Is quicker.
        !           787:                -- Ogden Nash
        !           788: %%
        !           789:        SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
        !           790: You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
        !           791: rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
        !           792: drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
        !           793: %%
        !           794:        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
        !           795: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
        !           796: pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
        !           797: people are murdered.
        !           798: %%
        !           799:        "Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
        !           800: thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
        !           801: advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
        !           802:        "I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
        !           803:        "Too proud?" the other enquired.
        !           804:        Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
        !           805: she said, "that one can't help growing older."
        !           806:        "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
        !           807: proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
        !           808:                -- Lewis Carroll
        !           809: %%
        !           810:        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
        !           811: You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
        !           812: work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
        !           813: You are a Communist.
        !           814: %%
        !           815:        THE WOMBAT
        !           816: 
        !           817: The wombat lives across the seas,
        !           818: Among the far Antipodes.
        !           819: He may exist on nuts and berries,
        !           820: Or then again, on missionaries;
        !           821: His distant habitat precludes
        !           822: Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
        !           823: But I would not engage the wombat
        !           824: In any form of mortal combat.
        !           825: %%
        !           826:        THEORY
        !           827: Into love and out again,
        !           828:        Thus I went and thus I go.
        !           829: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
        !           830:        Well and bitterly I know
        !           831: All the songs were ever sung,
        !           832:        All the words were ever said;
        !           833: Could it be, when I was young,
        !           834:        Someone dropped me on my head?
        !           835:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !           836: %%
        !           837:        Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
        !           838: to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
        !           839: beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
        !           840: drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
        !           841: nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
        !           842: and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
        !           843: Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
        !           844: no need to improve ...
        !           845:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !           846: %%
        !           847:        The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
        !           848: klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
        !           849: 
        !           850:        "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
        !           851: 
        !           852:        "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
        !           853: %%
        !           854:        The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
        !           855: Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
        !           856: large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
        !           857: it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
        !           858: apparatus for a spectator sport.
        !           859: 
        !           860:        The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
        !           861: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
        !           862:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !           863: %%
        !           864:        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
        !           865: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
        !           866: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
        !           867: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
        !           868: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
        !           869: 
        !           870:        "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
        !           871: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
        !           872: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
        !           873: -- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
        !           874: 
        !           875:        "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
        !           876: 
        !           877:        Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
        !           878:                -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
        !           879: %%
        !           880:        There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
        !           881: someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
        !           882: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
        !           883: Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
        !           884: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
        !           885: this?
        !           886:        Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
        !           887: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
        !           888: can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
        !           889: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
        !           890: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
        !           891: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
        !           892: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
        !           893:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !           894: %%
        !           895:        Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
        !           896: rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
        !           897: than he does.
        !           898:        As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
        !           899: it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
        !           900: sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
        !           901: consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is
        !           902: being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
        !           903:        The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can
        !           904: do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
        !           905: honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
        !           906: be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
        !           907: relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
        !           908: Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.
        !           909: This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
        !           910:                -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
        !           911:                   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
        !           912:                   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
        !           913: %%
        !           914:        To A Quick Young Fox:
        !           915: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
        !           916: Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
        !           917: Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
        !           918: Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
        !           919:                -- Lazy Dog
        !           920: %%
        !           921:        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        !           922: You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
        !           923: sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
        !           924: fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
        !           925: %%
        !           926:        "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past
        !           927: year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley
        !           928: reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
        !           929: artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue
        !           930: moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
        !           931: Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the
        !           932: entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the
        !           933: sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
        !           934: 
        !           935:        "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
        !           936: 
        !           937:        "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
        !           938: good copy."
        !           939:                -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !           940: %%
        !           941:        We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
        !           942: But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
        !           943: Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
        !           944:        I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
        !           945: her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
        !           946: had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
        !           947: told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it." But he was
        !           948: lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
        !           949: fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
        !           950: what men must do. ...
        !           951:        "Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
        !           952: sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
        !           953: not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
        !           954: quiet and peace I will never forget.
        !           955:        "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
        !           956: tollway belle's for thee."
        !           957:        The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
        !           958: a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
        !           959: poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
        !           960:                -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
        !           961:                   Competition
        !           962: %%
        !           963:        "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
        !           964: teenager asked her mother.
        !           965:        "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
        !           966: %%
        !           967:        "What's that thing?"
        !           968:        "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
        !           969: computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
        !           970: it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
        !           971:                -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
        !           972: %%
        !           973:        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
        !           974: clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
        !           975: to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
        !           976:        In a way, the next move is up to him.
        !           977:                -- R. A. Lafferty
        !           978: %%
        !           979:        "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
        !           980: airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
        !           981: deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
        !           982: when I was young!"
        !           983:        "Why, what did she tell you?"
        !           984:        "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
        !           985:                -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !           986: %%
        !           987: ... And malt does more than Milton can
        !           988: To justify God's ways to man
        !           989:                -- A. E. Housman
        !           990: %%
        !           991: ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
        !           992: my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
        !           993: resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
        !           994: The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
        !           995: them is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the
        !           996: existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
        !           997: coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
        !           998: is beyond the scope of this article.)
        !           999: %%
        !          1000: ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
        !          1001: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
        !          1002: and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
        !          1003: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
        !          1004: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
        !          1005: on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
        !          1006: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
        !          1007: sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
        !          1008: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
        !          1009:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1010: %%
        !          1011: ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
        !          1012: intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
        !          1013: we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
        !          1014: that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
        !          1015: of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
        !          1016: example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
        !          1017: makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
        !          1018: whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
        !          1019: finite or an infinite number.
        !          1020:                -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
        !          1021: %%
        !          1022: ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
        !          1023: and you would not have been informed.
        !          1024: %%
        !          1025: ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
        !          1026: get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
        !          1027: the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
        !          1028: on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
        !          1029: children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
        !          1030: snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
        !          1031: to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
        !          1032: a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
        !          1033: outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
        !          1034: he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
        !          1035: Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
        !          1036: Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
        !          1037: kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
        !          1038: children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
        !          1039: quickly.
        !          1040:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          1041: %%
        !          1042: ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
        !          1043: with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
        !          1044: shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
        !          1045: advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
        !          1046: shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
        !          1047: them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
        !          1048:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          1049: %%
        !          1050: ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
        !          1051: consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
        !          1052: of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
        !          1053: listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
        !          1054:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          1055: %%
        !          1056: "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
        !          1057:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1058: %%
        !          1059: "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
        !          1060: picturesque liar."
        !          1061:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1062: %%
        !          1063: ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
        !          1064:                -- J. B. White
        !          1065: %%
        !          1066: ... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
        !          1067: the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
        !          1068: asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
        !          1069:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          1070: %%
        !          1071: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
        !          1072: %%
        !          1073: (1)    Alexander the Great was a great general.
        !          1074: (2)    Great generals are forewarned.
        !          1075: (3)    Forewarned is forearmed.
        !          1076: (4)    Four is an even number.
        !          1077: (5)    Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
        !          1078: (6)    The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
        !          1079: 
        !          1080: Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
        !          1081: %%
        !          1082: (1)    Everything depends.
        !          1083: (2)    Nothing is always.
        !          1084: (3)    Everything is sometimes.
        !          1085: %%
        !          1086: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
        !          1087: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
        !          1088:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          1089: %%
        !          1090: 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
        !          1091:        (1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
        !          1092:        (2)  Dead cat brush
        !          1093:        (3)  Hair barrettes
        !          1094:        (4)  Cleats
        !          1095:        (5)  Self-piercing earrings
        !          1096:        (6)  Fungus trellis
        !          1097:        (7)  False eyelashes
        !          1098:        (8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        !          1099:         .
        !          1100:         .
        !          1101:         .
        !          1102:        (99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
        !          1103:        (100) Killer velcro
        !          1104:        101. Currency
        !          1105: %%
        !          1106: 186,282 miles per second:
        !          1107: 
        !          1108: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
        !          1109: %%
        !          1110: $3,000,000
        !          1111: %%
        !          1112: 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
        !          1113: simulation!
        !          1114: %%
        !          1115: 43rd Law of Computing:
        !          1116:        Anything that can go wr
        !          1117: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
        !          1118: %%
        !          1119: 77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
        !          1120: 
        !          1121: ------- (7)    This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
        !          1122: --- --- (8)    boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
        !          1123: ------- (7)    smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
        !          1124: ---O--- (6)    on an accounting system, when you want to develop
        !          1125: ---X--- (9)    the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
        !          1126: --- --- (8)    to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
        !          1127: 
        !          1128: Nine in the second place means:
        !          1129:        The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
        !          1130: 
        !          1131: Six in the third place means:
        !          1132:        In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
        !          1133:        Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
        !          1134: %%
        !          1135: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          1136: 99 blocks of crud!
        !          1137: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          1138: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
        !          1139: 
        !          1140: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
        !          1141: 100 blocks of crud!
        !          1142: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
        !          1143: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
        !          1144: %%
        !          1145: A CONS is an object which cares.
        !          1146:                -- Bernie Greenberg.
        !          1147: %%
        !          1148: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
        !          1149: nothing.
        !          1150: %%
        !          1151: A Law of Computer Programming:
        !          1152:        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        !          1153:        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
        !          1154: %%
        !          1155: A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
        !          1156: Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
        !          1157:        She found a good way
        !          1158:        To combine work and play:
        !          1159: She sells C shells by the seashore.
        !          1160: %%
        !          1161: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
        !          1162: responsibility at the other.
        !          1163: %%
        !          1164: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
        !          1165: out of a divorce.
        !          1166:                -- Don Quinn
        !          1167: %%
        !          1168: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
        !          1169: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
        !          1170:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1171: %%
        !          1172: A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
        !          1173: adds up to be real money.
        !          1174:                -- Everett McKinley Dirksen
        !          1175: %%
        !          1176: A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
        !          1177: %%
        !          1178: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
        !          1179: %%
        !          1180: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
        !          1181: enlightened him with ours.
        !          1182: %%
        !          1183: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
        !          1184: as afterward.
        !          1185: %%
        !          1186: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
        !          1187: poor to protect them from each other.
        !          1188: %%
        !          1189: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
        !          1190: %%
        !          1191: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
        !          1192: Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
        !          1193: %%
        !          1194: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
        !          1195:                -- Herbert Prochnow
        !          1196: %%
        !          1197: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
        !          1198: wants to read.
        !          1199:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1200: %%
        !          1201: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
        !          1202: %%
        !          1203: A computer, to print out a fact,
        !          1204: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
        !          1205:        But this output can be
        !          1206:        No more than debris,
        !          1207: If the input was short of exact.
        !          1208:                -- Gigo
        !          1209: %%
        !          1210: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
        !          1211: %%
        !          1212: A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
        !          1213:                -- Ben Franklin
        !          1214: %%
        !          1215: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
        !          1216: And had an affair with a Saracen.
        !          1217:        She was not oversexed,
        !          1218:        Or jealous or vexed,
        !          1219: She just wanted to make a comparison.
        !          1220: %%
        !          1221: A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
        !          1222: %%
        !          1223: A day without sunshine is like night.
        !          1224: %%
        !          1225: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
        !          1226: fur coat.
        !          1227: %%
        !          1228: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
        !          1229: you will look forward to the trip.
        !          1230: %%
        !          1231: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
        !          1232: %%
        !          1233: A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
        !          1234:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          1235: %%
        !          1236: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
        !          1237: Plus three times the square root of four,
        !          1238:        Divided by seven,
        !          1239:        Plus five time eleven,
        !          1240: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
        !          1241: %%
        !          1242: A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
        !          1243: Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
        !          1244: Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
        !          1245: with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
        !          1246: Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed
        !          1247: the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously
        !          1248: hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual.
        !          1249: The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
        !          1250: %%
        !          1251: A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
        !          1252: subject.
        !          1253:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          1254: %%
        !          1255: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
        !          1256: %%
        !          1257: A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
        !          1258: of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
        !          1259: elephant.
        !          1260: %%
        !          1261: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
        !          1262: superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
        !          1263:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          1264: %%
        !          1265: A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
        !          1266:                -- D. Gries
        !          1267: %%
        !          1268: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
        !          1269: of).
        !          1270: %%
        !          1271: A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
        !          1272: rearranging their prejudices.
        !          1273:                -- William James
        !          1274: %%
        !          1275: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
        !          1276: %%
        !          1277: A lady with one of her ears applied
        !          1278: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
        !          1279: Two female gossips in converse free --
        !          1280: The subject engaging them was she.
        !          1281: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
        !          1282: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
        !          1283: As soon as no more of it she could hear
        !          1284: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
        !          1285: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
        !          1286: "To hear my character lied about!"
        !          1287:                -- Gopete Sherany
        !          1288: %%
        !          1289: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
        !          1290: not worth knowing.
        !          1291: %%
        !          1292: A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
        !          1293: in than some that do.
        !          1294:                -- Dennis M. Ritchie
        !          1295: %%
        !          1296: A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
        !          1297: by being declared to work.
        !          1298:                -- Anatol Holt
        !          1299: %%
        !          1300: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
        !          1301: Into space that is quite economical.
        !          1302:        But the good ones I've seen
        !          1303:        So seldom are clean,
        !          1304: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
        !          1305: %%
        !          1306: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any
        !          1307: price.
        !          1308: %%
        !          1309: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
        !          1310: believe everything positively stinks.
        !          1311:                -- Lew Col
        !          1312: %%
        !          1313: A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
        !          1314: 
        !          1315: "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
        !          1316: sense of obligation."
        !          1317:                -- Stephen Crane
        !          1318: %%
        !          1319: A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
        !          1320: %%
        !          1321: A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
        !          1322: %%
        !          1323: A new dramatist of the absurd
        !          1324: Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
        !          1325:        I learn from my spies
        !          1326:        He's about to devise
        !          1327: An unprintable three-letter word.
        !          1328: %%
        !          1329: A new koan:
        !          1330: 
        !          1331:        If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
        !          1332: 
        !          1333:        If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
        !          1334: 
        !          1335: It is an ice cream koan.
        !          1336: %%
        !          1337: A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
        !          1338: Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now
        !          1339: has no excuse for further procrastination.
        !          1340: %%
        !          1341: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
        !          1342: %%
        !          1343: A penny saved is ridiculous.
        !          1344: %%
        !          1345: A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
        !          1346: %%
        !          1347: A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
        !          1348:                -- George Wald
        !          1349: %%
        !          1350: A pig is a jolly companion,
        !          1351: Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
        !          1352: A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
        !          1353: Though mountains may topple and tilt.
        !          1354: When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
        !          1355: When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
        !          1356: Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
        !          1357: You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
        !          1358: You'll never go wrong with a pig!
        !          1359:                -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
        !          1360: %%
        !          1361: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
        !          1362: 
        !          1363: And he answered:
        !          1364: 
        !          1365: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
        !          1366: 
        !          1367: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
        !          1368: 
        !          1369: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
        !          1370: upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
        !          1371: to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
        !          1372: 
        !          1373: And that is Fate?  said the priest.
        !          1374: 
        !          1375: Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
        !          1376: 
        !          1377: That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was
        !          1378: too.
        !          1379:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          1380: %%
        !          1381: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
        !          1382: %%
        !          1383: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
        !          1384: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
        !          1385: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
        !          1386: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
        !          1387: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
        !          1388: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
        !          1389: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
        !          1390: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
        !          1391: information in the first place."
        !          1392:                -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
        !          1393: %%
        !          1394: A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
        !          1395: your wife will give you for free.
        !          1396: %%
        !          1397: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
        !          1398: that the system works.
        !          1399: %%
        !          1400: A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
        !          1401: the real reason.
        !          1402: %%
        !          1403: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
        !          1404: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
        !          1405: scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
        !          1406: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
        !          1407: dimensional objects ...
        !          1408: %%
        !          1409: A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
        !          1410: contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
        !          1411:                -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
        !          1412: %%
        !          1413: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
        !          1414:                -- Prof. Steiner
        !          1415: %%
        !          1416: A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
        !          1417: waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
        !          1418:                -- Mark Twain
        !          1419: %%
        !          1420: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
        !          1421:                -- O'Henry
        !          1422: %%
        !          1423: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
        !          1424: exam.
        !          1425: %%
        !          1426: A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by
        !          1427: its author.
        !          1428:                -- S. C. Johnson
        !          1429: %%
        !          1430: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
        !          1431: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
        !          1432:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1433: %%
        !          1434: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
        !          1435: blowing first.
        !          1436: %%
        !          1437: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
        !          1438: %%
        !          1439: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
        !          1440: in students.
        !          1441:                -- John Ciardi
        !          1442: %%
        !          1443: A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
        !          1444: replaces it with.
        !          1445:                -- Tenessee Williams
        !          1446: %%
        !          1447: A very intelligent turtle
        !          1448: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
        !          1449:        The system, you see,
        !          1450:        Ran as slow as did he,
        !          1451: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
        !          1452: %%
        !          1453: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
        !          1454: getting nervous.
        !          1455: %%
        !          1456: "A witty saying proves nothing."
        !          1457:                -- Voltaire
        !          1458: %%
        !          1459: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
        !          1460: in God.
        !          1461: %%
        !          1462: A.A.A.A.A.:
        !          1463:        An organization for drunks who drive
        !          1464: %%
        !          1465: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
        !          1466: You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
        !          1467: %%
        !          1468: ADA, n.:
        !          1469:        Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
        !          1470: Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
        !          1471: awareness."
        !          1472: %%
        !          1473: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
        !          1474: %%
        !          1475: About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
        !          1476: ends.
        !          1477:                -- Herbert Hoover
        !          1478: %%
        !          1479: Absence makes the heart go wander.
        !          1480: %%
        !          1481: Absent, adj.:
        !          1482:        Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
        !          1483: slandered.
        !          1484: %%
        !          1485: Absentee, n.:
        !          1486:        A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
        !          1487: himself from the sphere of exaction.
        !          1488:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1489: %%
        !          1490: Abstainer, n.:
        !          1491:        A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
        !          1492: pleasure.
        !          1493:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1494: %%
        !          1495: Absurdity, n.:
        !          1496:        A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
        !          1497: opinion.
        !          1498:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1499: %%
        !          1500: Accident, n.:
        !          1501:        A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
        !          1502: body is better.
        !          1503: %%
        !          1504: Accidents cause History.
        !          1505: 
        !          1506: If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
        !          1507: Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
        !          1508: have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
        !          1509: could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
        !          1510: the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
        !          1511:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          1512: %%
        !          1513: According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
        !          1514:                -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
        !          1515: %%
        !          1516: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
        !          1517: totally worthless.
        !          1518: %%
        !          1519: Accordion, n.:
        !          1520:        A bagpipe with pleats.
        !          1521: %%
        !          1522: Accuracy, n.:
        !          1523:        The vice of being right
        !          1524: %%
        !          1525: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
        !          1526: %%
        !          1527: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
        !          1528: %%
        !          1529: Acquaintance, n.:
        !          1530:        A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
        !          1531: enough to lend to.
        !          1532:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1533: %%
        !          1534: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
        !          1535: coughing."
        !          1536: %%
        !          1537: Actor: "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
        !          1538:        everyone glued in their seats!"
        !          1539: Oliver Herford:        "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
        !          1540:        it!"
        !          1541: %%
        !          1542: Actor: So what do you do for a living?
        !          1543: Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
        !          1544:        dishes for Chinese restaurants.
        !          1545:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          1546: %%
        !          1547: Admiration, n.:
        !          1548:        Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
        !          1549:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1550: %%
        !          1551: Adolescence, n.:
        !          1552:        The stage between puberty and adultery.
        !          1553: %%
        !          1554: "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
        !          1555: like you ..."
        !          1556:                --- Gilda Radner
        !          1557: %%
        !          1558: Adore, v.:
        !          1559:        To venerate expectantly.
        !          1560:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1561: %%
        !          1562: Adult, n.:
        !          1563:        One old enough to know better.
        !          1564: %%
        !          1565: After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
        !          1566: names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
        !          1567: Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
        !          1568: many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
        !          1569: Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
        !          1570: different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
        !          1571: developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
        !          1572: attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
        !          1573: to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
        !          1574: skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
        !          1575: injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
        !          1576: hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
        !          1577: that it sinks like a stone.
        !          1578:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          1579: %%
        !          1580: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
        !          1581: %%
        !          1582: After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
        !          1583: quotations.
        !          1584:                -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
        !          1585: %%
        !          1586: After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
        !          1587: for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
        !          1588: simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
        !          1589:                -- P. J. O'Rourke
        !          1590: %%
        !          1591: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
        !          1592: on the bench.
        !          1593: %%
        !          1594: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
        !          1595: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
        !          1596: removed.
        !          1597: %%
        !          1598: Afternoon, n.:
        !          1599:        That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
        !          1600: morning.
        !          1601: %%
        !          1602: Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
        !          1603: change.
        !          1604: %%
        !          1605: Air is water with holes in it
        !          1606: %%
        !          1607: Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
        !          1608:                -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
        !          1609: %%
        !          1610: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
        !          1611: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
        !          1612: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
        !          1613: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
        !          1614: receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
        !          1615: %%
        !          1616: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
        !          1617: Aleph-null bottles of beer,
        !          1618:        You take one down, and pass it around,
        !          1619: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
        !          1620: %%
        !          1621: Alex Haley was adopted!
        !          1622: %%
        !          1623: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
        !          1624: for a dial tone.
        !          1625: %%
        !          1626: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
        !          1627: them keeps paying for it.
        !          1628:                -- Peggy Joyce
        !          1629: %%
        !          1630: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
        !          1631: %%
        !          1632: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
        !          1633: importance.
        !          1634: %%
        !          1635: "All flesh is grass"
        !          1636:                -- Isiah
        !          1637: Smoke a friend today.
        !          1638: %%
        !          1639: "All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
        !          1640: sane."
        !          1641: %%
        !          1642: All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
        !          1643: %%
        !          1644: All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
        !          1645: every organism to live beyond its income.
        !          1646:                -- Samuel Butler
        !          1647: %%
        !          1648: All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
        !          1649:                -- E. Rutherford
        !          1650: %%
        !          1651: All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
        !          1652: too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
        !          1653: subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
        !          1654: can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
        !          1655: Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
        !          1656: decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
        !          1657: if it rains?"
        !          1658:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          1659: %%
        !          1660: All the world's a VAX,
        !          1661: And all the coders merely butchers;
        !          1662: They have their exits and their entrails;
        !          1663: And one int in his time plays many widths,
        !          1664: His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
        !          1665: Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
        !          1666: And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
        !          1667: And shining morning face, creeping like slug
        !          1668: Unwillingly to school.
        !          1669:                -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
        !          1670: %%
        !          1671: All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
        !          1672:                -- Sean O'Casey
        !          1673: %%
        !          1674: All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
        !          1675: %%
        !          1676: All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
        !          1677: %%
        !          1678: All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
        !          1679: you.  Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
        !          1680: average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
        !          1681: insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
        !          1682: realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
        !          1683: in the Sears menswear department dress.  Now look at the real
        !          1684: successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
        !          1685: Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on.  They
        !          1686: all dress funny -- and they all succeed.  Are you catching on?
        !          1687:                -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
        !          1688: %%
        !          1689: Alliance, n.:
        !          1690:        In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
        !          1691: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
        !          1692: separately plunder a third.
        !          1693:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1694: %%
        !          1695: Alone, adj.:
        !          1696:        In bad company.
        !          1697:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1698: %%
        !          1699: Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
        !          1700: mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
        !          1701: any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
        !          1702: to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
        !          1703: Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
        !          1704: serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
        !          1705: same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
        !          1706: that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
        !          1707: penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
        !          1708: running the post office.
        !          1709:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          1710: %%
        !          1711: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
        !          1712: back.
        !          1713: %%
        !          1714: Ambidextrous, adj.:
        !          1715:        Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
        !          1716:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1717: %%
        !          1718: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
        !          1719:                -- Charlie McCarthy
        !          1720: %%
        !          1721: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
        !          1722: to decadence without touching civilization.
        !          1723:                -- John O'Hara
        !          1724: %%
        !          1725: America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
        !          1726: until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
        !          1727: changed its name to "America".
        !          1728:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          1729: %%
        !          1730: Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
        !          1731: %%
        !          1732: An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
        !          1733: is always polite to traffic cops.
        !          1734: %%
        !          1735: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
        !          1736:                -- A. P. Herbert
        !          1737: %%
        !          1738: An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
        !          1739: %%
        !          1740: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
        !          1741: %%
        !          1742: An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears
        !          1743: a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
        !          1744: only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
        !          1745: Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
        !          1746: incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
        !          1747: excellence:
        !          1748: 
        !          1749: "The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
        !          1750: discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
        !          1751: to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
        !          1752: things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
        !          1753: parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
        !          1754: timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
        !          1755: doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
        !          1756: Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
        !          1757: school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
        !          1758: successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
        !          1759: they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
        !          1760:                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
        !          1761: %%
        !          1762: An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
        !          1763: %%
        !          1764: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
        !          1765: government at all.
        !          1766: %%
        !          1767: And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
        !          1768: %%
        !          1769: And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
        !          1770: horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
        !          1771: columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
        !          1772: ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
        !          1773: world.
        !          1774:                -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
        !          1775: %%
        !          1776: Angels we have heard on High
        !          1777: Tell us to go out and Buy.
        !          1778:                -- Tom Leher
        !          1779: %%
        !          1780: Ankh if you love Isis.
        !          1781: %%
        !          1782: Anoint, v.:
        !          1783:        To grease a king or other great functionary already
        !          1784: sufficiently slippery.
        !          1785:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          1786: %%
        !          1787: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          1788: %%
        !          1789: Anthony's Law of Force:
        !          1790:        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
        !          1791: %%
        !          1792: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        !          1793:        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        !          1794:        corner of the workshop.
        !          1795: 
        !          1796: Corollary:
        !          1797:        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        !          1798:        your toes.
        !          1799: %%
        !          1800: Antonym, n.:
        !          1801:        The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
        !          1802: %%
        !          1803: Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
        !          1804:                -- Charles McCabe
        !          1805: %%
        !          1806: Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
        !          1807:                -- Aesop
        !          1808: %%
        !          1809: Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
        !          1810: sell it.
        !          1811: %%
        !          1812: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
        !          1813: larger object.
        !          1814: %%
        !          1815: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
        !          1816: demo.
        !          1817: %%
        !          1818: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
        !          1819:                -- Arthur C. Clarke
        !          1820: %%
        !          1821: Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
        !          1822:                -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
        !          1823: %%
        !          1824: Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
        !          1825: %%
        !          1826: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
        !          1827: %%
        !          1828: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
        !          1829: probably parked.
        !          1830: %%
        !          1831: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
        !          1832: %%
        !          1833: Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
        !          1834:                -- Publilius Syrus
        !          1835: %%
        !          1836: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
        !          1837: is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
        !          1838: make messes in the house.
        !          1839:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          1840: %%
        !          1841: Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
        !          1842:                -- Samuel Goldwyn
        !          1843: %%
        !          1844: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
        !          1845:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          1846: %%
        !          1847: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
        !          1848: account be allowed to do the job.
        !          1849:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          1850: %%
        !          1851: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
        !          1852: %%
        !          1853: Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
        !          1854: %%
        !          1855: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
        !          1856: %%
        !          1857: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
        !          1858: price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
        !          1859: means the price went way up.
        !          1860: %%
        !          1861: Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
        !          1862: %%
        !          1863: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
        !          1864: %%
        !          1865: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
        !          1866: something.
        !          1867: %%
        !          1868: Aquadextrous, adj.:
        !          1869:        Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
        !          1870: with your toes.
        !          1871:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          1872: %%
        !          1873: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
        !          1874:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          1875: %%
        !          1876: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
        !          1877: shoes.
        !          1878:                -- Mickey Mouse
        !          1879: %%
        !          1880: Armadillo:
        !          1881:        To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
        !          1882: %%
        !          1883: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        !          1884:        (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        !          1885:        (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        !          1886:        (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
        !          1887:            first two laws.
        !          1888: %%
        !          1889: Arthur's Laws of Love:
        !          1890:        (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
        !          1891:            remind them of someone else.
        !          1892:        (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
        !          1893:            be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
        !          1894:            of yourself in person.
        !          1895: %%
        !          1896: Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
        !          1897: %%
        !          1898: As I was passing Project MAC,
        !          1899: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
        !          1900: Every hack had seven bugs;
        !          1901: Every bug had seven manifestations;
        !          1902: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
        !          1903: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
        !          1904: How many losses at Project MAC?
        !          1905: %%
        !          1906: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
        !          1907: variable."
        !          1908: %%
        !          1909: As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
        !          1910: %%
        !          1911: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
        !          1912: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        !          1913:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          1914: %%
        !          1915: As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
        !          1916:                -- Weisert
        !          1917: %%
        !          1918: As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
        !          1919: fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
        !          1920: popular.
        !          1921:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          1922: %%
        !          1923: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
        !          1924: %%
        !          1925: "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
        !          1926: programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
        !          1927:                --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
        !          1928:                    computer system.
        !          1929: %%
        !          1930: As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
        !          1931: wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
        !          1932: to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
        !          1933: that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
        !          1934: finding mistakes in my own programs.
        !          1935:                -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
        !          1936: %%
        !          1937: As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
        !          1938: so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
        !          1939:                -- Woody Allen
        !          1940: %%
        !          1941: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
        !          1942: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
        !          1943:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          1944: %%
        !          1945: As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
        !          1946: memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
        !          1947: to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
        !          1948: E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
        !          1949:                -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
        !          1950: %%
        !          1951: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
        !          1952: Station-to-Station rate.
        !          1953: %%
        !          1954: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
        !          1955: bathtub, it tolls for thee.
        !          1956: %%
        !          1957: Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
        !          1958: for an answer.
        !          1959: %%
        !          1960: Ass, n.:
        !          1961:        The masculine of "lass".
        !          1962: %%
        !          1963: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
        !          1964: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
        !          1965:                -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
        !          1966: %%
        !          1967: At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
        !          1968: Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
        !          1969: under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
        !          1970: %%
        !          1971: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
        !          1972: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
        !          1973: the computer.
        !          1974: %%
        !          1975: Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
        !          1976:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          1977: %%
        !          1978: Automobile, n.:
        !          1979:        A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
        !          1980: pedestrians.
        !          1981: %%
        !          1982: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
        !          1983:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          1984: %%
        !          1985: Avoid reality at all costs.
        !          1986: %%
        !          1987: BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
        !          1988: %%
        !          1989: BLISS is ignorance
        !          1990: %%
        !          1991: BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
        !          1992:            outfit."
        !          1993: GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
        !          1994: BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
        !          1995:                -- Jay Ward
        !          1996: %%
        !          1997: Bacchus, n.:
        !          1998:        A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
        !          1999: getting drunk.
        !          2000:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2001: %%
        !          2002: Bagdikian's Observation:
        !          2003:        Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
        !          2004:        newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
        !          2005:        on a ukelele.
        !          2006: %%
        !          2007: Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
        !          2008:        A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
        !          2009:        by governors.
        !          2010: %%
        !          2011: Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
        !          2012: %%
        !          2013: Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
        !          2014: %%
        !          2015: Barach's Rule:
        !          2016:        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        !          2017:        physician.
        !          2018: %%
        !          2019: Barometer, n.:
        !          2020:        An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
        !          2021: are having.
        !          2022:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2023: %%
        !          2024: Barth's Distinction:
        !          2025:        There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
        !          2026:        types, and those who don't.
        !          2027: %%
        !          2028: Baruch's Observation:
        !          2029:        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
        !          2030: %%
        !          2031: Basic, n.:
        !          2032:        A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
        !          2033: that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
        !          2034: %%
        !          2035: Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
        !          2036: door.
        !          2037: %%
        !          2038: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
        !          2039: get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
        !          2040: face.
        !          2041:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          2042: %%
        !          2043: Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
        !          2044:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2045: %%
        !          2046: Be different: conform.
        !          2047: %%
        !          2048: Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
        !          2049: get used to it.
        !          2050: %%
        !          2051: Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
        !          2052: miss
        !          2053:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          2054: %%
        !          2055: Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
        !          2056: away.
        !          2057: %%
        !          2058: Beifeld's Principle:
        !          2059:        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        !          2060:        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        !          2061:        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        !          2062:        a better looking and richer male friend.
        !          2063: %%
        !          2064: Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
        !          2065: %%
        !          2066: "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
        !          2067:                -- Time Bandits
        !          2068: %%
        !          2069: Besides the device, the box should contain:
        !          2070: 
        !          2071: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
        !          2072: 
        !          2073: * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
        !          2074:   club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
        !          2075: 
        !          2076: YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
        !          2077: cable.
        !          2078: 
        !          2079: IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
        !          2080: spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
        !          2081: that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
        !          2082: without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
        !          2083: why."
        !          2084: 
        !          2085: WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
        !          2086:                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
        !          2087: %%
        !          2088: Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
        !          2089:                -- Leonard Brandwein
        !          2090: %%
        !          2091: "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
        !          2092: tried it."
        !          2093:                -- Donald Knuth
        !          2094: %%
        !          2095: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
        !          2096: %%
        !          2097: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
        !          2098: nothing of interest is easy.
        !          2099: %%
        !          2100: "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
        !          2101: finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
        !          2102: murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
        !          2103: their ignorance the hard way."
        !          2104:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
        !          2105: %%
        !          2106: Binary, adj.:
        !          2107:        Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
        !          2108: %%
        !          2109: Bipolar, adj.:
        !          2110:        Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
        !          2111: New York
        !          2112: %%
        !          2113: Birth, n.:
        !          2114:        The first and direst of all disasters.
        !          2115:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2116: %%
        !          2117: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
        !          2118: %%
        !          2119: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
        !          2120: as Wheels.
        !          2121: %%
        !          2122: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
        !          2123: %%
        !          2124: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
        !          2125: plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
        !          2126: it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
        !          2127: arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
        !          2128: throwing up on them.
        !          2129: %%
        !          2130: Boling's postulate:
        !          2131:        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
        !          2132: %%
        !          2133: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        !          2134:        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        !          2135:        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
        !          2136: %%
        !          2137: Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
        !          2138:        Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
        !          2139: %%
        !          2140: Boob's Law:
        !          2141:        You always find something in the last place you look.
        !          2142: %%
        !          2143: Bore, n.:
        !          2144:        A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
        !          2145:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2146: %%
        !          2147: Boren's Laws:
        !          2148:        (1) When in charge, ponder.
        !          2149:        (2) When in trouble, delegate.
        !          2150:        (3) When in doubt, mumble.
        !          2151: %%
        !          2152: Boss, n.:
        !          2153:        According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
        !          2154: the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
        !          2155: in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
        !          2156: ornamental stud."
        !          2157: %%
        !          2158: Boston, n.:
        !          2159:        Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
        !          2160: finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
        !          2161: %%
        !          2162: Boy, n.:
        !          2163:        A noise with dirt on it.
        !          2164: %%
        !          2165: Bradley's Bromide:
        !          2166:        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        !          2167:        committee -- that will do them in.
        !          2168: %%
        !          2169: Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        !          2170:        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        !          2171:        easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
        !          2172:        Ranger have handled this?"
        !          2173: %%
        !          2174: Brain fried -- Core dumped
        !          2175: %%
        !          2176: Brain, n.:
        !          2177:        The apparatus with which we think that we think.
        !          2178:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2179: %%
        !          2180: Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
        !          2181:        To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
        !          2182: error in an opponent.
        !          2183:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2184: %%
        !          2185: Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
        !          2186: since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
        !          2187:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2188: %%
        !          2189: Bride, n.:
        !          2190:        A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
        !          2191:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2192: %%
        !          2193: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
        !          2194: revitalize the corner saloon.
        !          2195: %%
        !          2196: British Israelites:
        !          2197:        The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
        !          2198: Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
        !          2199: Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
        !          2200: believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
        !          2201: Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
        !          2202: the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
        !          2203: head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
        !          2204:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2205: %%
        !          2206: Broad-mindedness, n.:
        !          2207:        The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
        !          2208: %%
        !          2209: Brooke's Law:
        !          2210:        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        !          2211:        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        !          2212:        expands it beyond recognition.
        !          2213: %%
        !          2214: Brook's Law:
        !          2215:        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
        !          2216: %%
        !          2217: Bubble Memory, n.:
        !          2218:        A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
        !          2219: intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
        !          2220: %%
        !          2221: Bucy's Law:
        !          2222:        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
        !          2223: %%
        !          2224: Bug:
        !          2225:        Small living things that small living boys throw on small
        !          2226: living girls.
        !          2227: %%
        !          2228: Bug, n.:
        !          2229:        An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
        !          2230: PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
        !          2231: wrote the program.
        !          2232: 
        !          2233: Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
        !          2234:                -- Ray Simard
        !          2235: %%
        !          2236: Bumper sticker:
        !          2237: 
        !          2238: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
        !          2239: manufacture"
        !          2240: %%
        !          2241: Bureaucrat, n.:
        !          2242:        A politician who has tenure.
        !          2243: %%
        !          2244: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
        !          2245: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
        !          2246: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
        !          2247:                -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
        !          2248:                   Compilers"
        !          2249: %%
        !          2250: But scientists, who ought to know
        !          2251: Assure us that it must be so.
        !          2252: Oh, let us never, never doubt
        !          2253: What nobody is sure about.
        !          2254:                -- Hilaire Belloc
        !          2255: %%
        !          2256: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
        !          2257: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
        !          2258: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
        !          2259:                -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
        !          2260: %%
        !          2261: But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
        !          2262: was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
        !          2263: education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
        !          2264: 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
        !          2265: American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
        !          2266: invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
        !          2267: invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
        !          2268: adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
        !          2269: electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
        !          2270: electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
        !          2271: part) sends it right back to the customer again.
        !          2272: 
        !          2273: This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
        !          2274: of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
        !          2275: very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
        !          2276: In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
        !          2277: States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
        !          2278: ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
        !          2279: increases.
        !          2280:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          2281: %%
        !          2282: "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
        !          2283: place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
        !          2284: Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
        !          2285: kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
        !          2286: poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
        !          2287: explained yet about the bytes?"
        !          2288: %%
        !          2289: "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
        !          2290: computers?"
        !          2291: %%
        !          2292: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
        !          2293: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
        !          2294: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
        !          2295: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
        !          2296: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
        !          2297: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
        !          2298: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
        !          2299: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
        !          2300: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
        !          2301: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
        !          2302: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
        !          2303: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
        !          2304: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
        !          2305: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
        !          2306: %%
        !          2307: By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
        !          2308: completely overwhelm you.
        !          2309: %%
        !          2310: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,
        !          2311: it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
        !          2312: invent. (R. Emerson)"
        !          2313:                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
        !          2314:                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
        !          2315:                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
        !          2316:                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
        !          2317: %%
        !          2318: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
        !          2319: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
        !          2320: fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
        !          2321: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
        !          2322: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
        !          2323: that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
        !          2324: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
        !          2325: they wanted to be.
        !          2326:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          2327: %%
        !          2328: C, n.:
        !          2329:        A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
        !          2330: like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
        !          2331: anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
        !          2332: today, or it isn't.
        !          2333:                -- Ray Simard
        !          2334: %%
        !          2335: CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
        !          2336: %%
        !          2337: Cabbage, n.:
        !          2338:        A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
        !          2339: a man's head.
        !          2340:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2341: %%
        !          2342: Cahn's Axiom:
        !          2343:        When all else fails, read the instructions.
        !          2344: %%
        !          2345: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
        !          2346:                -- Fred Allen
        !          2347: %%
        !          2348: California, n.:
        !          2349:        From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
        !          2350: Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
        !          2351: "fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
        !          2352:                -- Ed Moran
        !          2353: %%
        !          2354: Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
        !          2355:                -- Indian proverb
        !          2356: %%
        !          2357: "Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missle sighted, target
        !          2358: Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
        !          2359: %%
        !          2360: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
        !          2361:                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
        !          2362: %%
        !          2363: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
        !          2364: Corner, Vermont."
        !          2365:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          2366: %%
        !          2367: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        !          2368:        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
        !          2369: 
        !          2370: Supplement:
        !          2371:        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
        !          2372: %%
        !          2373: Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
        !          2374: for postage and 30 cents for storage.
        !          2375:                -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
        !          2376:                   Post
        !          2377: %%
        !          2378: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
        !          2379: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
        !          2380: A root or two, a torus and a node:
        !          2381: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
        !          2382:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2383: %%
        !          2384: Captain Penny's Law:
        !          2385:        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        !          2386:        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
        !          2387: %%
        !          2388: Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
        !          2389: expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
        !          2390: complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
        !          2391: planning to reduce the time it takes.
        !          2392: %%
        !          2393: Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
        !          2394:        The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
        !          2395: dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
        !          2396: putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
        !          2397:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          2398: %%
        !          2399: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
        !          2400:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2401: %%
        !          2402: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
        !          2403: %%
        !          2404: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
        !          2405: %%
        !          2406: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
        !          2407: how many?
        !          2408: %%
        !          2409: Cerebus:       I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
        !          2410: Jaka:          Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
        !          2411: Cerebus:       If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
        !          2412:                out of it?
        !          2413: Jaka:          Ugh!
        !          2414: Cerebus:       You don't like apricot brandy?
        !          2415:                -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
        !          2416: %%
        !          2417: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
        !          2418: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
        !          2419: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
        !          2420: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
        !          2421: not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
        !          2422: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
        !          2423: others who have tried it.
        !          2424:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2425: %%
        !          2426: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
        !          2427:        Did you ever try buying then without money?
        !          2428:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          2429: %%
        !          2430: Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
        !          2431: %%
        !          2432: Chemicals, n.:
        !          2433:        Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
        !          2434: %%
        !          2435: Chicago, n.:
        !          2436:        Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
        !          2437: %%
        !          2438: Chicken Little was right.
        !          2439: %%
        !          2440: Chicken Soup, n.:
        !          2441:        An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
        !          2442: cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
        !          2443: is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
        !          2444:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          2445: %%
        !          2446: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
        !          2447: effort to teach them good manners.
        !          2448: %%
        !          2449: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
        !          2450: And that's what parents were created for.
        !          2451:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          2452: %%
        !          2453: Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
        !          2454: word what you shouldn't have said.
        !          2455: %%
        !          2456: Chism's Law of Completion:
        !          2457:        The amount of time required to complete a government project is
        !          2458:        precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
        !          2459: %%
        !          2460: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        !          2461:        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
        !          2462: %%
        !          2463: Christ:
        !          2464:        A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
        !          2465: %%
        !          2466: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        !          2467:        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        !          2468:        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
        !          2469: %%
        !          2470: Cigarette, n.:
        !          2471:        A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
        !          2472: between.
        !          2473: %%
        !          2474: Cinemuck, n.:
        !          2475:        The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
        !          2476: covers the floors of movie theaters.
        !          2477:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          2478: %%
        !          2479: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
        !          2480: %%
        !          2481: "Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
        !          2482: %%
        !          2483: Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
        !          2484: %%
        !          2485: Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
        !          2486: %%
        !          2487: Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
        !          2488: society.
        !          2489:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2490: %%
        !          2491: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
        !          2492: %%
        !          2493: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
        !          2494: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
        !          2495:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2496: %%
        !          2497: Cold, adj.:
        !          2498:        When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
        !          2499: %%
        !          2500: Cold, adj.:
        !          2501:        When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
        !          2502: pockets.
        !          2503: %%
        !          2504: Collaboration, n.:
        !          2505:        A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
        !          2506: other fellow can spell.
        !          2507: %%
        !          2508: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
        !          2509: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
        !          2510: the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
        !          2511: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
        !          2512: loss to humanity.
        !          2513:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2514: %%
        !          2515: Colvard's Logical Premises:
        !          2516:        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        !          2517:        it won't.
        !          2518: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        !          2519:        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        !          2520:        attracted to.
        !          2521: Grelb's Commentary
        !          2522:        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
        !          2523: %%
        !          2524: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
        !          2525: And every vector dreams of matrices.
        !          2526: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
        !          2527: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
        !          2528:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2529: %%
        !          2530: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
        !          2531: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
        !          2532: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
        !          2533: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
        !          2534:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          2535: %%
        !          2536: Command, n.:
        !          2537:        Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
        !          2538: such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
        !          2539: %%
        !          2540: Commitment, n.:
        !          2541:        Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
        !          2542: The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
        !          2543: %%
        !          2544: Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
        !          2545:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          2546: %%
        !          2547: Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
        !          2548: theory.
        !          2549: %%
        !          2550: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
        !          2551: %%
        !          2552: Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
        !          2553: %%
        !          2554: Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
        !          2555:                -- LaRouchefoucauld
        !          2556: %%
        !          2557: Concept, n.:
        !          2558:        Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
        !          2559: $25,000.
        !          2560: %%
        !          2561: Condense soup, not books!
        !          2562: %%
        !          2563: Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
        !          2564: good for dandruff.
        !          2565:                -- Peter de Vries
        !          2566: %%
        !          2567: Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
        !          2568: %%
        !          2569: Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
        !          2570: would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
        !          2571: you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
        !          2572: maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
        !          2573: OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
        !          2574: UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
        !          2575: IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
        !          2576: WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
        !          2577: SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
        !          2578: RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
        !          2579: RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
        !          2580: FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
        !          2581:                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
        !          2582: %%
        !          2583: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
        !          2584:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2585: %%
        !          2586: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
        !          2587: %%
        !          2588: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
        !          2589: give it back to them.
        !          2590: %%
        !          2591: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
        !          2592: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
        !          2593:                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          2594: %%
        !          2595: Conversation, n.:
        !          2596:        A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
        !          2597: is called the listener.
        !          2598: %%
        !          2599: Conway's Law:
        !          2600:        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        !          2601:        what is going on.
        !          2602: 
        !          2603:        This person must be fired.
        !          2604: %%
        !          2605: Coronation, n.:
        !          2606:        The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
        !          2607: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
        !          2608: bomb.
        !          2609:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2610: %%
        !          2611: Corrupt, adj.:
        !          2612:        In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
        !          2613: %%
        !          2614: Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
        !          2615: is to enforce the law and fight crime.
        !          2616:                -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
        !          2617: %%
        !          2618: Coward, n.:
        !          2619:        One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
        !          2620:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2621: %%
        !          2622: Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
        !          2623: nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
        !          2624:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          2625: %%
        !          2626: Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
        !          2627:                -- A. E. Newman
        !          2628: %%
        !          2629: Critic, n.:
        !          2630:        A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
        !          2631: to please him.
        !          2632:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2633: %%
        !          2634: Cynic, n.:
        !          2635:        A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
        !          2636: as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
        !          2637: out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
        !          2638:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2639: %%
        !          2640: Cynic, n.:
        !          2641:        One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
        !          2642: eye.
        !          2643: %%
        !          2644: Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
        !          2645: %%
        !          2646: Dawn, n.:
        !          2647:        The time when men of reason go to bed.
        !          2648:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2649: %%
        !          2650: Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
        !          2651: %%
        !          2652: DeVries's Dilemma:
        !          2653:        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        !          2654:        hits the paper.
        !          2655: %%
        !          2656: Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also
        !          2657: easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
        !          2658: improve.
        !          2659: %%
        !          2660: Dear Lord:
        !          2661:        I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
        !          2662:        the other hand", again.
        !          2663: %%
        !          2664: Dear Miss Manners:
        !          2665:        My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
        !          2666: elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
        !          2667: courses, is all right.  Which is correct?
        !          2668: 
        !          2669: Gentle Reader:
        !          2670:        For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
        !          2671: economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
        !          2672: principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
        !          2673: than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
        !          2674: believes that is.
        !          2675: %%
        !          2676: Dear Miss Manners:
        !          2677:        Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
        !          2678:        your face.
        !          2679: 
        !          2680: Gentle Reader:
        !          2681:        Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
        !          2682:        your face ...
        !          2683: %%
        !          2684: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
        !          2685: %%
        !          2686: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
        !          2687: %%
        !          2688: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
        !          2689:                -- R. Geis
        !          2690: %%
        !          2691: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
        !          2692: %%
        !          2693: Decisionmaker, n.:
        !          2694:        The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
        !          2695: before the music stopped.
        !          2696: %%
        !          2697: Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
        !          2698: overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
        !          2699: language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
        !          2700: judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
        !          2701: addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
        !          2702:                -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
        !          2703:                   Assoc.
        !          2704: %%
        !          2705: Deliberation, n.:
        !          2706:        The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
        !          2707: buttered on.
        !          2708:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2709: %%
        !          2710: "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
        !          2711: %%
        !          2712: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
        !          2713: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
        !          2714:                -- Senator Soaper
        !          2715: %%
        !          2716: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
        !          2717: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
        !          2718:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          2719: %%
        !          2720: Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
        !          2721: Jackasses.
        !          2722:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          2723: %%
        !          2724: Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
        !          2725: are right more than half of the time.
        !          2726:                -- E. B. White
        !          2727: %%
        !          2728: Dentist, n.:
        !          2729:        A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
        !          2730: coins out of one's pockets.
        !          2731:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2732: %%
        !          2733: Did you know ...
        !          2734: 
        !          2735: That no-one ever reads these things?
        !          2736: %%
        !          2737: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
        !          2738:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2739: %%
        !          2740: "Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
        !          2741: conventional thing to happen to him."
        !          2742:                -- John Barrymore's dying words
        !          2743: %%
        !          2744: Die, v.:
        !          2745:        To stop sinning suddenly.
        !          2746:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          2747: %%
        !          2748: Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
        !          2749: %%
        !          2750: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
        !          2751: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
        !          2752: %%
        !          2753: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
        !          2754: %%
        !          2755: Disc space -- the final frontier!
        !          2756: %%
        !          2757: Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
        !          2758: %%
        !          2759: Distress, n.:
        !          2760:        A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
        !          2761:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2762: %%
        !          2763: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
        !          2764: %%
        !          2765: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
        !          2766: %%
        !          2767: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
        !          2768: %%
        !          2769: Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
        !          2770: %%
        !          2771: Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
        !          2772: anger.
        !          2773: %%
        !          2774: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
        !          2775: Violators will be prosecuted.
        !          2776: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
        !          2777: %%
        !          2778: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
        !          2779: %%
        !          2780: Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
        !          2781: day as it comes.
        !          2782:                -- Donald Kaul
        !          2783: %%
        !          2784: Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
        !          2785: %%
        !          2786: Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
        !          2787: %%
        !          2788: Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
        !          2789: the time to take the dirt out of them?
        !          2790: %%
        !          2791: "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
        !          2792: "Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
        !          2793: "I've never done anything illegal before."
        !          2794: "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
        !          2795: %%
        !          2796: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
        !          2797: when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
        !          2798:                -- Dick Brandon
        !          2799: %%
        !          2800: Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
        !          2801: be good because the programmers hate it so much.
        !          2802: %%
        !          2803: Don:   I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
        !          2804:        pretty?
        !          2805: W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
        !          2806:        bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
        !          2807:        sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
        !          2808: Don:   Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
        !          2809: W. C.: It's almost impossible.
        !          2810:                -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
        !          2811:                   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
        !          2812: %%
        !          2813: Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
        !          2814: %%
        !          2815: Don't be humble, you're not that great.
        !          2816:                -- Golda Meir
        !          2817: %%
        !          2818: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
        !          2819: %%
        !          2820: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
        !          2821: %%
        !          2822: Don't feed the bats tonight.
        !          2823: %%
        !          2824: Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
        !          2825: misleading.  Debug only code.
        !          2826:                -- Dave Storer
        !          2827: %%
        !          2828: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
        !          2829: nothing.  It was here first.
        !          2830:                -- Mark Twain
        !          2831: %%
        !          2832: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
        !          2833: %%
        !          2834: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
        !          2835: %%
        !          2836: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
        !          2837: %%
        !          2838: Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
        !          2839: %%
        !          2840: Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
        !          2841: distance.
        !          2842: %%
        !          2843: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
        !          2844: %%
        !          2845: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
        !          2846: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
        !          2847: %%
        !          2848: "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
        !          2849:                -- Darryl F. Zanuck
        !          2850: %%
        !          2851: Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
        !          2852: %%
        !          2853: Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
        !          2854: %%
        !          2855: "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
        !          2856: get more wax!!"
        !          2857: %%
        !          2858: Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
        !          2859: tomorrow in Australia.
        !          2860:                -- Charles Schultz
        !          2861: %%
        !          2862: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
        !          2863: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
        !          2864: %%
        !          2865: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
        !          2866: %%
        !          2867: Down with categorical imperative!
        !          2868: %%
        !          2869: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
        !          2870: %%
        !          2871: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        !          2872:        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        !          2873:        of your eyes.
        !          2874: %%
        !          2875: Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
        !          2876: %%
        !          2877: Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
        !          2878: route!
        !          2879: %%
        !          2880: Ducharme's Precept:
        !          2881:        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
        !          2882: %%
        !          2883: Ducharm's Axiom:
        !          2884:        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        !          2885:        yourself as part of the problem.
        !          2886: %%
        !          2887: Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
        !          2888: it holds the universe together ...
        !          2889:                -- Carl Zwanzig
        !          2890: %%
        !          2891: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
        !          2892: has been discontinued.
        !          2893: %%
        !          2894: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
        !          2895: and captain of your soul.
        !          2896: %%
        !          2897: During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several
        !          2898: times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po  ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
        !          2899: %%
        !          2900: Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
        !          2901: have nothing whatever to do with it.
        !          2902:                -- W. Somerset Maughm
        !          2903: %%
        !          2904: E Pluribus Unix
        !          2905: %%
        !          2906: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
        !          2907: %%
        !          2908: /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
        !          2909: %%
        !          2910: "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
        !          2911:                -- Jeff Berner
        !          2912: %%
        !          2913: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
        !          2914:        Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
        !          2915: cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
        !          2916: the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
        !          2917: means the puzzle is solved.
        !          2918:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          2919: %%
        !          2920: Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
        !          2921:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          2922: %%
        !          2923: Economics, n.:
        !          2924:        Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
        !          2925: Galbraith ...
        !          2926:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2927: %%
        !          2928: Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
        !          2929:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !          2930: %%
        !          2931: Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
        !          2932: people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
        !          2933: comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
        !          2934: the "nog" comes from.
        !          2935: 
        !          2936: To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
        !          2937: season, eggs...
        !          2938: %%
        !          2939: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
        !          2940: of being a damned fool.
        !          2941:                -- Bellamy Brooks
        !          2942: %%
        !          2943: Egotist, n.:
        !          2944:        A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
        !          2945:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          2946: %%
        !          2947: Ehrman's Commentary:
        !          2948:        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
        !          2949:        2.  Who said things would get better?
        !          2950: %%
        !          2951: Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
        !          2952:                -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
        !          2953: %%
        !          2954: Eisenhower was very nice,
        !          2955: Nixon was his only vice.
        !          2956:                -- C. Degen
        !          2957: %%
        !          2958: Eleanor Rigby
        !          2959:        Sits at the keyboard
        !          2960:        And waits for a line on the screen
        !          2961: Lives in a dream
        !          2962: Waits for a signal
        !          2963:        Finding some code
        !          2964:        That will make the machine do some more.
        !          2965: What is it for?
        !          2966: 
        !          2967: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
        !          2968: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
        !          2969: %%
        !          2970: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
        !          2971: %%
        !          2972: Electrocution, n.:
        !          2973:        Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
        !          2974: %%
        !          2975: Elevators smell different to midgets
        !          2976: %%
        !          2977: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
        !          2978:        Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
        !          2979:        can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
        !          2980: %%
        !          2981: Encyclopedia Salesmen:
        !          2982:        Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
        !          2983: and tell them your house is being burgled.
        !          2984:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          2985: %%
        !          2986: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
        !          2987: Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
        !          2988:                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
        !          2989: %%
        !          2990: Entropy isn't what it used to be.
        !          2991: %%
        !          2992: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
        !          2993: otherwise require harder thinking.
        !          2994:                -- Jerome Lettvin
        !          2995: %%
        !          2996: Equal bytes for women.
        !          2997: %%
        !          2998: Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
        !          2999:        Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
        !          3000: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
        !          3001:        Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
        !          3002:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          3003: %%
        !          3004: Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
        !          3005:                -- Woody Allen
        !          3006: %%
        !          3007: Etymology, n.:
        !          3008:        Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that
        !          3009: were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
        !          3010: from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
        !          3011: ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
        !          3012:                -- Mike Kellen
        !          3013: %%
        !          3014: Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
        !          3015: speak it to?
        !          3016:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          3017: %%
        !          3018: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
        !          3019:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          3020: %%
        !          3021: Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
        !          3022: States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
        !          3023: %%
        !          3024: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
        !          3025: just how busy they are.
        !          3026: %%
        !          3027: Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman
        !          3028: and stop her.
        !          3029: %%
        !          3030: Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
        !          3031: 
        !          3032: Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
        !          3033: front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
        !          3034: odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
        !          3035: and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
        !          3036: legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
        !          3037: there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
        !          3038: of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
        !          3039: color"], that does not exist.
        !          3040: %%
        !          3041: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
        !          3042: %%
        !          3043: Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
        !          3044: %%
        !          3045: Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
        !          3046: signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
        !          3047: fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
        !          3048: spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
        !          3049: genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
        !          3050: of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
        !          3051: humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
        !          3052:                -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
        !          3053: %%
        !          3054: Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
        !          3055:                -- Don Vonada
        !          3056: %%
        !          3057: Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
        !          3058:                -- Miguel de Cervantes
        !          3059: %%
        !          3060: Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
        !          3061: instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
        !          3062: program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
        !          3063: %%
        !          3064: Every program has two purposes --
        !          3065: written and another for which it wasn't.
        !          3066: %%
        !          3067: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
        !          3068: %%
        !          3069: Every solution breeds new problems.
        !          3070: %%
        !          3071: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
        !          3072: guarantee of eventual success.
        !          3073: %%
        !          3074: "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
        !          3075: %%
        !          3076: Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
        !          3077:                -- Beckett
        !          3078: %%
        !          3079: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
        !          3080:                -- Dykstra
        !          3081: %%
        !          3082: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
        !          3083: %%
        !          3084: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
        !          3085: taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
        !          3086: %%
        !          3087: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
        !          3088: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
        !          3089: scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
        !          3090: wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
        !          3091: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
        !          3092: discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
        !          3093: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
        !          3094: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
        !          3095: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
        !          3096: different way ...
        !          3097:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          3098: %%
        !          3099: Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
        !          3100: %%
        !          3101: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
        !          3102: no one we know belongs.
        !          3103: %%
        !          3104: Everything you know is wrong!
        !          3105: %%
        !          3106: Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
        !          3107: obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
        !          3108: solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
        !          3109: There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
        !          3110: straight lines.
        !          3111:                -- R. Buckminster Fuller
        !          3112: %%
        !          3113: Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
        !          3114: %%
        !          3115: Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
        !          3116: %%
        !          3117: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
        !          3118: %%
        !          3119: Excellent time to become a missing person.
        !          3120: %%
        !          3121: Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
        !          3122: acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
        !          3123:                -- W. Somerset Maugham
        !          3124: %%
        !          3125: Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
        !          3126: %%
        !          3127: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
        !          3128: %%
        !          3129: Expense Accounts, n.:
        !          3130:        Corporate food stamps.
        !          3131: %%
        !          3132: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
        !          3133:                -- Olivier
        !          3134: %%
        !          3135: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
        !          3136: mistake when you make it again.
        !          3137:                -- F. P. Jones
        !          3138: %%
        !          3139: Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
        !          3140: the instruction afterward.
        !          3141: %%
        !          3142: Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
        !          3143: ones.
        !          3144: %%
        !          3145: Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
        !          3146: %%
        !          3147: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
        !          3148: %%
        !          3149: F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
        !          3150: %%
        !          3151: FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
        !          3152: the little hand is on the ....
        !          3153: %%
        !          3154: FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS           #14
        !          3155: 
        !          3156: Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
        !          3157: liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
        !          3158: light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
        !          3159: drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
        !          3160: %%
        !          3161: Fairy Tale, n.:
        !          3162:        A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
        !          3163: %%
        !          3164: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
        !          3165: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
        !          3166: %%
        !          3167: Faith, n:
        !          3168:        That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
        !          3169: untrue.
        !          3170: %%
        !          3171: Fakir, n:
        !          3172:        A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
        !          3173: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
        !          3174: have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
        !          3175: %%
        !          3176: Familiarity breeds attempt
        !          3177: %%
        !          3178: Families, when a child is born
        !          3179: Want it to be intelligent.
        !          3180: I, through intelligence,
        !          3181: Having wrecked my whole life,
        !          3182: Only hope the baby will prove
        !          3183: Ignorant and stupid.
        !          3184: Then he will crown a tranquil life
        !          3185: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
        !          3186:                -- Su Tung-p'o
        !          3187: %%
        !          3188: Famous last words:
        !          3189: %%
        !          3190: Famous last words:
        !          3191:        1.  Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
        !          3192:        2.  Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
        !          3193:        3.  What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
        !          3194:        4.  We won't need reservations.
        !          3195:        5.  It's always sunny there this time of the year.
        !          3196:        6.  Don't worry, it's not loaded.
        !          3197:        7.  They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
        !          3198: %%
        !          3199: Famous last words:
        !          3200:        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        !          3201:        2) "You and what army?"
        !          3202:        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
        !          3203:            a cop."
        !          3204: %%
        !          3205: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
        !          3206: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
        !          3207: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
        !          3208: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
        !          3209: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
        !          3210: are a pretty neat idea ...
        !          3211:                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          3212: %%
        !          3213: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
        !          3214: every six months.
        !          3215:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3216: %%
        !          3217: Fats Loves Madelyn
        !          3218: %%
        !          3219: Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
        !          3220: %%
        !          3221: Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
        !          3222: neither will you.
        !          3223: %%
        !          3224: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          3225:        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
        !          3226: Corollary:
        !          3227:        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        !          3228:        live.
        !          3229: %%
        !          3230: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        !          3231:        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        !          3232:        there is nothing important to do.
        !          3233: %%
        !          3234: Finagle's Creed:
        !          3235:        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
        !          3236: %%
        !          3237: Finagle's First Law:
        !          3238:        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
        !          3239: %%
        !          3240: Finagle's Second Law:
        !          3241:        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        !          3242:        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        !          3243:        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
        !          3244: %%
        !          3245: Finagle's Third Law:
        !          3246:        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        !          3247:        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
        !          3248: 
        !          3249: Corollaries:
        !          3250:        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        !          3251:        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
        !          3252:            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
        !          3253: %%
        !          3254: Finagle's fourth Law:
        !          3255:        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        !          3256:        makes it worse.
        !          3257: %%
        !          3258: Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
        !          3259: %%
        !          3260: Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
        !          3261: %%
        !          3262: First Law of Bicycling:
        !          3263:        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        !          3264:        wind.
        !          3265: %%
        !          3266: First Law of Procrastination:
        !          3267:        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        !          3268:        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        !          3269:        imposed the deadline).
        !          3270: %%
        !          3271: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        !          3272:        Celibacy is not hereditary.
        !          3273: %%
        !          3274: First Rule of History:
        !          3275:        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        !          3276:        other.
        !          3277: %%
        !          3278: Flappity, floppity, flip
        !          3279: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
        !          3280:        The strip revolved,
        !          3281:        The mouse dissolved
        !          3282: In a chronodimensional skip.
        !          3283: %%
        !          3284: Flon's Law:
        !          3285:        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        !          3286:        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
        !          3287: %%
        !          3288: Flugg's Law:
        !          3289:        When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
        !          3290:        world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
        !          3291: %%
        !          3292: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
        !          3293: %%
        !          3294: For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
        !          3295: always old-fashioned.
        !          3296: %%
        !          3297: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
        !          3298: and wrong.
        !          3299:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          3300: %%
        !          3301: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
        !          3302:                -- R. Clopton
        !          3303: %%
        !          3304: For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
        !          3305: "Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
        !          3306:                -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
        !          3307:                   the U.S.
        !          3308: %%
        !          3309: For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
        !          3310: %%
        !          3311: "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
        !          3312: a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
        !          3313: computers altogether?"
        !          3314:                -- Jehan Shuman
        !          3315: %%
        !          3316: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
        !          3317: like.
        !          3318:                -- Abraham Lincoln
        !          3319: %%
        !          3320: For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
        !          3321: I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
        !          3322: But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
        !          3323: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
        !          3324:                -- Justin Richardson.
        !          3325: %%
        !          3326: Forgetfulness, n.:
        !          3327:        A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
        !          3328: destitution of conscience.
        !          3329: %%
        !          3330: Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
        !          3331: 
        !          3332:                Don't Write On Walls!
        !          3333: 
        !          3334:                   (and underneath)
        !          3335: 
        !          3336:                You want I should type?
        !          3337: %%
        !          3338: Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
        !          3339: Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
        !          3340: impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
        !          3341: clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
        !          3342: exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
        !          3343: 
        !          3344: DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
        !          3345:         having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
        !          3346: HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
        !          3347: DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
        !          3348:         is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
        !          3349:         large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
        !          3350:         amounts of fertilization.
        !          3351: HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
        !          3352:         teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
        !          3353: %%
        !          3354: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        !          3355:        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        !          3356:        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
        !          3357: Corollary:
        !          3358:        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        !          3359:        except study for that instructor's course.
        !          3360: %%
        !          3361: Fourth Law of Revision:
        !          3362:        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        !          3363:        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        !          3364:        you.
        !          3365: %%
        !          3366: Fresco's Discovery:
        !          3367:        If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
        !          3368: %%
        !          3369: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
        !          3370: Let me clue you in;
        !          3371: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
        !          3372: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
        !          3373: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.  The cool Brutus
        !          3374: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
        !          3375: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
        !          3376: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
        !          3377: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
        !          3378: So are they all, all cool cats, --
        !          3379: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
        !          3380: %%
        !          3381: Frisbeetarianism, n.:
        !          3382:        The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
        !          3383: gets stuck.
        !          3384: %%
        !          3385: Frobnicate, v.:
        !          3386:        To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
        !          3387: Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a
        !          3388: frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
        !          3389: sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
        !          3390: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
        !          3391: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
        !          3392: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
        !          3393: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
        !          3394: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
        !          3395: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
        !          3396: %%
        !          3397: From too much love of living,
        !          3398: From hope and fear set free,
        !          3399: We thank with brief thanksgiving,
        !          3400: Whatever gods may be,
        !          3401: That no life lives forever,
        !          3402: That dead men rise up never,
        !          3403: That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
        !          3404:                -- Swinburne
        !          3405: %%
        !          3406: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        !          3407:        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
        !          3408: %%
        !          3409: Furbling, v.:
        !          3410:        Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
        !          3411: even when you are the only person in line.
        !          3412:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          3413: %%
        !          3414: Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
        !          3415:                -- H. H. Williams
        !          3416: %%
        !          3417: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
        !          3418: %%
        !          3419: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
        !          3420: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
        !          3421: secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
        !          3422: `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
        !          3423: And that's your chance, my boy."
        !          3424: %%
        !          3425: GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
        !          3426:        Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
        !          3427:        you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy
        !          3428:        praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
        !          3429:        sucker.  A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
        !          3430:        room.
        !          3431: %%
        !          3432: //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
        !          3433: %%
        !          3434: Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
        !          3435: %%
        !          3436: Garter, n.:
        !          3437:        An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
        !          3438: stockings and desolating the country.
        !          3439:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3440: %%
        !          3441: Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
        !          3442: on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
        !          3443:                -- Adventures of Asterix.
        !          3444: %%
        !          3445: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
        !          3446: 
        !          3447:        Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
        !          3448: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
        !          3449:        "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
        !          3450: Obvious, isn't it?
        !          3451:        Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
        !          3452: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
        !          3453: long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
        !          3454: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
        !          3455: so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
        !          3456: individuals and then grow ...
        !          3457:        Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
        !          3458: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
        !          3459: everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
        !          3460: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
        !          3461: backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
        !          3462: think not, my friend, I think not.
        !          3463:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          3464: %%
        !          3465: Genderplex, n.:
        !          3466:        The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
        !          3467: determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
        !          3468: tortoises).
        !          3469:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          3470: %%
        !          3471: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
        !          3472: you should.
        !          3473: %%
        !          3474: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
        !          3475: handicapped.
        !          3476:                -- Elbert Hubbard
        !          3477: %%
        !          3478: Genius, n.:
        !          3479:        A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
        !          3480: "bright".
        !          3481: %%
        !          3482: George Orwell was an optimist.
        !          3483: %%
        !          3484: Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
        !          3485:        1.  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
        !          3486:            direction.
        !          3487:        2.  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
        !          3488:        3.  The energy required to change either one of these states
        !          3489:            will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
        !          3490:            much as to make the task totally impossible.
        !          3491: %%
        !          3492: Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
        !          3493: %%
        !          3494: Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
        !          3495: %%
        !          3496: Ginsberg's Theorem:
        !          3497:        1.  You can't win.
        !          3498:        2.  You can't break even.
        !          3499:        3.  You can't even quit the game.
        !          3500: 
        !          3501: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        !          3502: 
        !          3503:        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        !          3504:        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        !          3505:        Theorem.  To wit:
        !          3506: 
        !          3507:        1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        !          3508:        2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
        !          3509:            even.
        !          3510:        3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
        !          3511:            game.
        !          3512: %%
        !          3513: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
        !          3514: to stand, and I will drain the world.
        !          3515: %%
        !          3516: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
        !          3517: %%
        !          3518: Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
        !          3519: a new town.
        !          3520: %%
        !          3521: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
        !          3522: %%
        !          3523: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        !          3524:        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        !          3525:        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        !          3526:        some useful work done.
        !          3527: %%
        !          3528: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
        !          3529: be in owning a piece thereof.
        !          3530:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          3531: %%
        !          3532: Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
        !          3533: %%
        !          3534: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
        !          3535: and then pulled an all-nighter.
        !          3536: %%
        !          3537: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
        !          3538: 
        !          3539:        Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
        !          3540: at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
        !          3541: saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
        !          3542: though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
        !          3543:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          3544: %%
        !          3545: God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
        !          3546: The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
        !          3547: not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
        !          3548: ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
        !          3549: smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
        !          3550: water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
        !          3551: the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
        !          3552: night!
        !          3553:                -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
        !          3554: %%
        !          3555: God is Dead
        !          3556:                -- Nietzsche
        !          3557: Nietzsche is Dead
        !          3558:                -- God
        !          3559: Nietzsche is God
        !          3560:                -- The Dead
        !          3561: %%
        !          3562: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
        !          3563: %%
        !          3564: God is a polythiest
        !          3565: %%
        !          3566: God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
        !          3567: %%
        !          3568: God is real, unless declared integer.
        !          3569: %%
        !          3570: God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
        !          3571: elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
        !          3572: other things.
        !          3573:                -- Pablo Picasso
        !          3574: %%
        !          3575: God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
        !          3576:                -- Alfred Jarry
        !          3577: %%
        !          3578: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
        !          3579: %%
        !          3580: God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
        !          3581: %%
        !          3582: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
        !          3583:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3584: %%
        !          3585: God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
        !          3586:                -- Kronecker
        !          3587: %%
        !          3588: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
        !          3589: %%
        !          3590: God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
        !          3591:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          3592: %%
        !          3593: God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
        !          3594: %%
        !          3595: God rest ye CS students now,
        !          3596: Let nothing you dismay.
        !          3597: The VAX is down and won't be up,
        !          3598: Until the first of May.
        !          3599: The program that was due this morn,
        !          3600: Won't be postponed, they say.
        !          3601: 
        !          3602:        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
        !          3603:        Comfort and joy,
        !          3604:        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
        !          3605: 
        !          3606: The bearings on the drum are gone,
        !          3607: The disk is wobbling, too.
        !          3608: We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
        !          3609: Can't tell false from true.
        !          3610: And now we find that we can't get
        !          3611: At Berkeley's 4.2.
        !          3612: 
        !          3613:        (chorus)
        !          3614: %%
        !          3615: Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
        !          3616: school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
        !          3617: person a car.
        !          3618: %%
        !          3619: Gold, n.:
        !          3620:        A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
        !          3621: is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
        !          3622: immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
        !          3623: hasn't done anything to them.
        !          3624:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          3625: %%
        !          3626: Goldenstern's Rules:
        !          3627:        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        !          3628:        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
        !          3629: %%
        !          3630: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
        !          3631: example.
        !          3632:                -- La Rouchefoucauld
        !          3633: %%
        !          3634: Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
        !          3635: %%
        !          3636: Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
        !          3637: %%
        !          3638: Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
        !          3639: %%
        !          3640: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
        !          3641: %%
        !          3642: Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
        !          3643: %%
        !          3644: Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
        !          3645: %%
        !          3646: Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
        !          3647: %%
        !          3648: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
        !          3649: new lover.
        !          3650: %%
        !          3651: Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
        !          3652:                -- George Saunders' dying words
        !          3653: %%
        !          3654: Got Mole problems?
        !          3655: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
        !          3656: %%
        !          3657: Goto, n.:
        !          3658:        A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
        !          3659: to complain about unstructured programmers.
        !          3660:                -- Ray Simard
        !          3661: %%
        !          3662: Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
        !          3663: as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
        !          3664: 
        !          3665:        "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
        !          3666: Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
        !          3667: Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
        !          3668:        "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
        !          3669: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
        !          3670: Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
        !          3671: Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
        !          3672: goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
        !          3673: Jews won't go near them ..."
        !          3674:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          3675: %%
        !          3676: Grabel's Law:
        !          3677:        2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
        !          3678: %%
        !          3679: Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
        !          3680: %%
        !          3681: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        !          3682:        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
        !          3683: %%
        !          3684: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
        !          3685: %%
        !          3686: Gray's Law of Programming:
        !          3687:        `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        !          3688:        time as `_n' tasks.
        !          3689: 
        !          3690: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        !          3691:        `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
        !          3692: %%
        !          3693: Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
        !          3694: tickets.
        !          3695: %%
        !          3696: Greener's Law:
        !          3697:        Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
        !          3698: %%
        !          3699: Grelb's Reminder:
        !          3700:        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        !          3701:        average drivers.
        !          3702: %%
        !          3703: "Grub first, then ethics."
        !          3704:                -- Bertolt Brecht
        !          3705: %%
        !          3706: Gyroscope, n.:
        !          3707:        A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
        !          3708: free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
        !          3709: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
        !          3710: mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
        !          3711: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
        !          3712: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
        !          3713: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
        !          3714:                -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
        !          3715: %%
        !          3716: H. L. Mencken's Law:
        !          3717:        Those who can -- do.
        !          3718:        Those who can't -- teach.
        !          3719: 
        !          3720: Martin's Extension:
        !          3721:        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
        !          3722: %%
        !          3723: HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
        !          3724: SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
        !          3725:                -- Walt Kelley
        !          3726: %%
        !          3727: Hacker's Law:
        !          3728:        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        !          3729:        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
        !          3730: %%
        !          3731: Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
        !          3732: %%
        !          3733: Hail to the sun god
        !          3734: He sure is a fun god
        !          3735: Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
        !          3736: %%
        !          3737: Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
        !          3738: %%
        !          3739: Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
        !          3740: crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
        !          3741: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
        !          3742: the the difference between life and death.
        !          3743:        You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
        !          3744: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
        !          3745: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
        !          3746: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
        !          3747: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
        !          3748: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
        !          3749: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
        !          3750:        Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
        !          3751:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          3752: %%
        !          3753: Hall's Laws of Politics:
        !          3754:        (1)  The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
        !          3755:        (2)  Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
        !          3756:             fixed.
        !          3757:        (3)  Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
        !          3758:             military spending, and conservatives social spending in
        !          3759:             their own districts).
        !          3760: %%
        !          3761: Hand, n.:
        !          3762:        A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
        !          3763: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
        !          3764:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3765: %%
        !          3766: Hanlon's Razor:
        !          3767:        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        !          3768:        stupidity.
        !          3769: %%
        !          3770: Hanson's Treatment of Time:
        !          3771:        There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
        !          3772:        before Saturday.
        !          3773: %%
        !          3774: Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
        !          3775:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          3776: %%
        !          3777: Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
        !          3778:                -- Oscar Levant
        !          3779: %%
        !          3780: Happiness, n.:
        !          3781:        An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
        !          3782: another.
        !          3783:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3784: %%
        !          3785: Hardware, n.:
        !          3786:        The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
        !          3787: %%
        !          3788: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
        !          3789: The Duke is fond of kittens
        !          3790: He likes to take their insides out
        !          3791: And use them for his mittens
        !          3792:        From "The Thirteen Clocks"
        !          3793: %%
        !          3794: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
        !          3795: Advertising wondrous things.
        !          3796:                -- Tom Leher
        !          3797: %%
        !          3798: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        !          3799:        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        !          3800:        equipment ruined.
        !          3801: %%
        !          3802: Harris's Lament:
        !          3803:        All the good ones are taken.
        !          3804: %%
        !          3805: Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
        !          3806: makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
        !          3807: famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
        !          3808: probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
        !          3809: have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
        !          3810: enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
        !          3811: attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
        !          3812: down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
        !          3813: just like Richard Nixon."
        !          3814:                -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
        !          3815: %%
        !          3816: Hartley's First Law:
        !          3817:        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        !          3818:        on his back, you've got something.
        !          3819: %%
        !          3820: Hartley's Second Law:
        !          3821:        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
        !          3822: %%
        !          3823: Harvard Law:
        !          3824:        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
        !          3825:        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
        !          3826:        organism will do as it damn well pleases.
        !          3827: %%
        !          3828: Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
        !          3829: typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
        !          3830: keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
        !          3831: of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
        !          3832: not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
        !          3833: %%
        !          3834: Hatred, n.:
        !          3835:        A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
        !          3836: superiority.
        !          3837:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3838: %%
        !          3839: Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
        !          3840: you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
        !          3841: for play?
        !          3842: %%
        !          3843: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
        !          3844: crack in your sidewalk?
        !          3845: %%
        !          3846: He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
        !          3847: heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
        !          3848: of ever behaving "normally."
        !          3849:                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
        !          3850: %%
        !          3851: He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
        !          3852:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          3853: %%
        !          3854: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
        !          3855:                -- Mark Twain
        !          3856: %%
        !          3857: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
        !          3858: %%
        !          3859: He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
        !          3860:                -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
        !          3861: %%
        !          3862: He thought he saw an albatross
        !          3863: That fluttered 'round the lamp.
        !          3864: He looked again and saw it was
        !          3865: A penny postage stamp.
        !          3866: "You'd best be getting home," he said,
        !          3867: "The nights are rather damp."
        !          3868: %%
        !          3869: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
        !          3870: eyes ..."
        !          3871: %%
        !          3872: He who Laughs, Lasts.
        !          3873: %%
        !          3874: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
        !          3875: attacks democracy itself.
        !          3876:                -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
        !          3877: %%
        !          3878: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
        !          3879: %%
        !          3880: Heaven, n.:
        !          3881:        A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
        !          3882: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
        !          3883: expound your own.
        !          3884:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          3885: %%
        !          3886: Heavy, adj.:
        !          3887:        Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
        !          3888: %%
        !          3889: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
        !          3890: %%
        !          3891: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
        !          3892:                -- Milton Friedman
        !          3893: %%
        !          3894: Heller's Law:
        !          3895:        The first myth of management is that it exists.
        !          3896: 
        !          3897: Johnson's Corollary:
        !          3898:        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        !          3899:        organization.
        !          3900: %%
        !          3901: Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
        !          3902: %%
        !          3903: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
        !          3904: %%
        !          3905: Her locks an ancient lady gave
        !          3906: Her loving husband's life to save;
        !          3907: And men -- they honored so the dame --
        !          3908: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
        !          3909: 
        !          3910: But to our modern married fair,
        !          3911: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
        !          3912: No stellar recognition's given.
        !          3913: There are not stars enough in heaven.
        !          3914: %%
        !          3915: Here I sit, broken-hearted,
        !          3916: All logged in, but work unstarted.
        !          3917: First net.this and net.that,
        !          3918: And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
        !          3919: 
        !          3920: The boss comes by, and I play the game,
        !          3921: Then I turn back to net.flame.
        !          3922: Is there a cure (I need your views),
        !          3923: For someone trapped in net.news?
        !          3924: 
        !          3925: I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
        !          3926: 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
        !          3927: %%
        !          3928: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
        !          3929: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
        !          3930: %%
        !          3931: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
        !          3932:        I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
        !          3933: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
        !          3934:        I'm Salome, moon of the East.
        !          3935: 
        !          3936: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
        !          3937:        Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
        !          3938: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
        !          3939:        With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
        !          3940: 
        !          3941: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
        !          3942:        At whose beckoning history shook.
        !          3943: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
        !          3944:        So I stay at home with a book.
        !          3945:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          3946: %%
        !          3947: Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
        !          3948: lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
        !          3949: your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
        !          3950: Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
        !          3951: pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
        !          3952: but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
        !          3953: important electrical lesson.
        !          3954: 
        !          3955: It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
        !          3956: your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
        !          3957: objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
        !          3958: attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
        !          3959: collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
        !          3960: friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
        !          3961: carpet, thus completing the circuit.
        !          3962: 
        !          3963: Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
        !          3964: touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
        !          3965: finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
        !          3966: have carpeting.
        !          3967:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          3968: %%
        !          3969: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
        !          3970: %%
        !          3971: He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
        !          3972: there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
        !          3973: %%
        !          3974: "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
        !          3975: %%
        !          3976: Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
        !          3977: then they'd be algorithms.
        !          3978: %%
        !          3979: "Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
        !          3980:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          3981: %%
        !          3982: Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
        !          3983: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
        !          3984: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
        !          3985: %%
        !          3986: Higgeldy Piggeldy,
        !          3987: Hamlet of Elsinore
        !          3988: Ruffled the critics by
        !          3989: Dropping this bomb:
        !          3990: "Phooey on Freud and his
        !          3991: Psychoanalysis --
        !          3992: Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
        !          3993: I just loved Mom."
        !          3994: %%
        !          3995: Hindsight is an exact science.
        !          3996: %%
        !          3997: Hippogriff, n.:
        !          3998:        An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
        !          3999: The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
        !          4000: The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
        !          4001: is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
        !          4002: of surprises.
        !          4003:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4004: %%
        !          4005: Hire the morally handicapped.
        !          4006: %%
        !          4007: "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
        !          4008:                -- Foghorn Leghorn
        !          4009: %%
        !          4010: "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
        !          4011: %%
        !          4012: History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
        !          4013: %%
        !          4014: Hlade's Law:
        !          4015:        If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
        !          4016:        will find an easier way to do it.
        !          4017: %%
        !          4018: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        !          4019:        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        !          4020:        out.
        !          4021: %%
        !          4022: Hofstadter's Law:
        !          4023:        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        !          4024:        Hofstadter's Law into account.
        !          4025: %%
        !          4026: Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
        !          4027:                -- Rex Reed
        !          4028: %%
        !          4029: "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
        !          4030: %%
        !          4031: Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
        !          4032:                -- F. M. Hubbard
        !          4033: %%
        !          4034: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
        !          4035: %%
        !          4036: Honk if you love peace and quiet.
        !          4037: %%
        !          4038: Honorable, adj.:
        !          4039:        Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
        !          4040: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
        !          4041: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
        !          4042:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4043: %%
        !          4044: Horngren's Observation:
        !          4045:        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
        !          4046: %%
        !          4047: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
        !          4048: people.
        !          4049:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          4050: %%
        !          4051: How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
        !          4052: %%
        !          4053: How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
        !          4054: %%
        !          4055: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
        !          4056: %%
        !          4057: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
        !          4058:                -- Elliot, "E.T."
        !          4059: %%
        !          4060: How doth the VAX's C compiler
        !          4061: Improve its object code.
        !          4062: And even as we speak does it
        !          4063: Increase the system load.
        !          4064: 
        !          4065: How patiently it seems to run
        !          4066: And spit out error flags,
        !          4067: While users, with frustration, all
        !          4068: Tear their clothes to rags.
        !          4069: %%
        !          4070: How doth the VAX's C-compiler
        !          4071: Improve its object code.
        !          4072: And even as we speak does it
        !          4073: Increase the system load.
        !          4074: 
        !          4075: How patiently it seems to run
        !          4076: And spit out error flags,
        !          4077: While users, with frustration, all
        !          4078: Tear all their clothes to rags.
        !          4079: %%
        !          4080: How doth the little crocodile
        !          4081:        Improve his shining tail,
        !          4082: And pour the waters of the Nile
        !          4083:        On every golden scale!
        !          4084: 
        !          4085: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
        !          4086:        How neatly spreads his claws,
        !          4087: And welcomes little fishes in,
        !          4088:        With gently smiling jaws!
        !          4089:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !          4090: %%
        !          4091: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
        !          4092: on.
        !          4093: %%
        !          4094: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          4095: 
        !          4096: None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
        !          4097: the way.
        !          4098: %%
        !          4099: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          4100: None: "We'll fix it in software."
        !          4101: 
        !          4102: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          4103: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
        !          4104: 
        !          4105: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
        !          4106: None: "The user can work it out."
        !          4107: %%
        !          4108: How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
        !          4109: Dayton?
        !          4110:                -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
        !          4111: %%
        !          4112: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
        !          4113: %%
        !          4114: Howe's Law:
        !          4115:        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
        !          4116: %%
        !          4117: However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
        !          4118: manner ... sulking and nausea.
        !          4119:                -- Tom K. Ryan
        !          4120: %%
        !          4121: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
        !          4122: %%
        !          4123: Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
        !          4124: 1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
        !          4125: operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
        !          4126: catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
        !          4127: his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
        !          4128: the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
        !          4129: Nobel Prize.
        !          4130: %%
        !          4131: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
        !          4132: %%
        !          4133: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
        !          4134:                -- William Gilbert
        !          4135: %%
        !          4136: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        !          4137:        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        !          4138:        to ..... to ........ uh ..............
        !          4139: %%
        !          4140: I am changing my name to Crysler
        !          4141: I am going down to Washington, D.C.
        !          4142: I will tell some power broker
        !          4143:        What they did for Iacocca
        !          4144: Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
        !          4145: I am changing my name to Chrysler,
        !          4146: I am heading for that great receiving line.
        !          4147: When they hand a million grand out,
        !          4148:        I'll be standing with my hand out,
        !          4149: Yessir, I'll get mine!
        !          4150: %%
        !          4151: I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
        !          4152: pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
        !          4153: you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
        !          4154: atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
        !          4155: inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering.
        !          4156:                -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
        !          4157: %%
        !          4158: "I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
        !          4159:                -- Paul McCracken
        !          4160: %%
        !          4161: I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
        !          4162:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !          4163: %%
        !          4164: "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
        !          4165:                -- English Professor
        !          4166: %%
        !          4167: I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
        !          4168: great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
        !          4169:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          4170: %%
        !          4171: "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
        !          4172: has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
        !          4173:                --English Professor, Ohio University
        !          4174: %%
        !          4175: I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
        !          4176: %%
        !          4177: I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
        !          4178:                -- G. K. Chesterton
        !          4179: %%
        !          4180: I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
        !          4181:                -- Will Rogers
        !          4182: %%
        !          4183: I bet the human brain is a kludge.
        !          4184:                -- Marvin Minsky
        !          4185: %%
        !          4186: I can resist anything but temptation.
        !          4187: %%
        !          4188: I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
        !          4189:                -- Lillian Hellman
        !          4190: %%
        !          4191: I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
        !          4192: 
        !          4193: What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
        !          4194: grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
        !          4195: of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
        !          4196: United States would have lost World War II."
        !          4197:                -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
        !          4198: %%
        !          4199: I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
        !          4200:                -- Joe Walsh
        !          4201: %%
        !          4202: I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
        !          4203:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          4204: %%
        !          4205: I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
        !          4206: with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
        !          4207:                -- Galileo Galilei
        !          4208: %%
        !          4209: I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
        !          4210:                -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
        !          4211: %%
        !          4212: I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
        !          4213: don't believe in astrology.
        !          4214:                -- James R. F. Quirk
        !          4215: %%
        !          4216: "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
        !          4217: nominating"
        !          4218:                -- Boss Tweed
        !          4219: %%
        !          4220: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
        !          4221:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          4222: %%
        !          4223: I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
        !          4224: waiting to abuse me.
        !          4225:                --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
        !          4226: %%
        !          4227: I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
        !          4228: eat it, and I just hate it.
        !          4229:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          4230: %%
        !          4231: I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
        !          4232: %%
        !          4233: I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
        !          4234: on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
        !          4235: he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
        !          4236: becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
        !          4237:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          4238: %%
        !          4239: "I drink to make other people interesting."
        !          4240:                -- George Jean Nathan
        !          4241: %%
        !          4242: I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the
        !          4243: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
        !          4244: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
        !          4245: can't be measured in monetary terms.
        !          4246: 
        !          4247: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
        !          4248: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
        !          4249: subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
        !          4250: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
        !          4251: understand his long delay.
        !          4252: %%
        !          4253: I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
        !          4254: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
        !          4255: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
        !          4256: can't be measured in monetary terms.
        !          4257: 
        !          4258: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
        !          4259: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
        !          4260: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
        !          4261: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
        !          4262: understand his long delay.
        !          4263: %%
        !          4264: I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
        !          4265:                -- Mae West
        !          4266: %%
        !          4267: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
        !          4268: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
        !          4269: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
        !          4270: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
        !          4271: 
        !          4272: Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
        !          4273: My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
        !          4274: But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
        !          4275: And think of the places my get-up has been.
        !          4276:                -- Pete Seeger
        !          4277: %%
        !          4278: I hate quotations.
        !          4279:                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
        !          4280: %%
        !          4281: I have a simple philosophy:
        !          4282: 
        !          4283:        Fill what's empty.
        !          4284:        Empty what's full.
        !          4285:        Scratch where it itches.
        !          4286:                -- A. R. Longworth
        !          4287: %%
        !          4288: I have learned
        !          4289: To spell hors d'oeuvres
        !          4290: Which still grates on 
        !          4291: Some people's n'oeuvres.
        !          4292:                -- Warren Knox
        !          4293: %%
        !          4294: I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that
        !          4295: I have never made one.
        !          4296:                -- James Gordon Bennett
        !          4297: %%
        !          4298: I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
        !          4299: make it shorter.
        !          4300:                -- Blaise Pascal
        !          4301: %%
        !          4302: I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
        !          4303:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          4304: %%
        !          4305: I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
        !          4306:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          4307: %%
        !          4308: I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
        !          4309: %%
        !          4310: I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
        !          4311: %%
        !          4312: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
        !          4313:                -- Bill Hoest
        !          4314: %%
        !          4315: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
        !          4316: World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
        !          4317:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          4318: %%
        !          4319: I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
        !          4320:                -- Art Leo
        !          4321: %%
        !          4322: I like work ...
        !          4323: I can sit and watch it for hours.
        !          4324: %%
        !          4325: I like your game but we have to change the rules.
        !          4326: %%
        !          4327: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
        !          4328:                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        !          4329: %%
        !          4330: "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
        !          4331: week sometimes to make it up."
        !          4332:                -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
        !          4333: %%
        !          4334: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
        !          4335: %%
        !          4336: I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
        !          4337: was to go away.
        !          4338: %%
        !          4339: I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
        !          4340: %%
        !          4341: I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
        !          4342: slob.
        !          4343:                -- William F. Buckley
        !          4344: %%
        !          4345: I really hate this damned machine
        !          4346: I wish that they would sell it.
        !          4347: It never does quite what I want
        !          4348: But only what I tell it.
        !          4349: %%
        !          4350: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
        !          4351: %%
        !          4352: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
        !          4353: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
        !          4354: Bernoulli would have been content to die
        !          4355: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
        !          4356:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          4357: %%
        !          4358: I sent a letter to the fish,
        !          4359: I told them, "This is what I wish."
        !          4360: The little fishes of the sea,
        !          4361: They sent an answer back to me.
        !          4362: The little fishes' answer was
        !          4363: "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
        !          4364: I sent a letter back to say
        !          4365: It would be better to obey.
        !          4366: But someone came to me and said
        !          4367: "The little fishes are in bed."
        !          4368: I said to him, and I said it plain
        !          4369: "Then you must wake them up again."
        !          4370: I said it very loud and clear,
        !          4371: I went and shouted in his ear.
        !          4372: But he was very stiff and proud,
        !          4373: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
        !          4374: And he was very proud and stiff,
        !          4375: He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
        !          4376: I took a kettle from the shelf,
        !          4377: I went to wake them up myself.
        !          4378: But when I found the door was locked
        !          4379: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
        !          4380: And when I found the door was shut,
        !          4381: I tried to turn the handle, But ...
        !          4382: 
        !          4383:        "Is that all?" asked Alice.
        !          4384:        "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
        !          4385:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          4386: %%
        !          4387: I think that I shall never see
        !          4388: A billboard lovely as a tree.
        !          4389: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
        !          4390: I'll never see a tree at all.
        !          4391:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          4392: %%
        !          4393: I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
        !          4394: %%
        !          4395: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
        !          4396: %%
        !          4397: "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
        !          4398: Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
        !          4399: HAW"!!'"
        !          4400:                -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
        !          4401: %%
        !          4402: I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
        !          4403: didn't know.
        !          4404:                -- Mark Twain
        !          4405: %%
        !          4406: I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
        !          4407: it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
        !          4408: stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
        !          4409: I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
        !          4410: absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
        !          4411: developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
        !          4412: Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
        !          4413: temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
        !          4414: chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
        !          4415: the point where it would not run at all.
        !          4416:                -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
        !          4417:                   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
        !          4418: %%
        !          4419: I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's
        !          4420: a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
        !          4421:                -- Gallagher
        !          4422: %%
        !          4423: I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
        !          4424: always worked for me.
        !          4425:                -- Hunter S. Thompson
        !          4426: %%
        !          4427: IBM had a PL/I,
        !          4428:        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
        !          4429: And everywhere this language went,
        !          4430:        It was a total loss.
        !          4431: %%
        !          4432: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
        !          4433: %%
        !          4434: "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
        !          4435: to undo it."
        !          4436: %%
        !          4437: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
        !          4438: %%
        !          4439: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
        !          4440: snore."
        !          4441: %%
        !          4442: "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
        !          4443: `Y.'"
        !          4444: %%
        !          4445: "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
        !          4446: blender."
        !          4447: %%
        !          4448: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
        !          4449: garage door."
        !          4450: %%
        !          4451: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
        !          4452: Julian to Gregorian."
        !          4453: %%
        !          4454: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
        !          4455: static cling."
        !          4456: %%
        !          4457: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
        !          4458: %%
        !          4459: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
        !          4460: cottage cheese sculpture."
        !          4461: %%
        !          4462: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
        !          4463: %%
        !          4464: "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
        !          4465: transplant."
        !          4466: %%
        !          4467: "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
        !          4468: %%
        !          4469: "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
        !          4470: %%
        !          4471: "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
        !          4472: came back."
        !          4473: %%
        !          4474: "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
        !          4475: tuned."
        !          4476: %%
        !          4477: "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
        !          4478: need worrying about."
        !          4479: %%
        !          4480: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
        !          4481: %%
        !          4482: Idiot Box, n.:
        !          4483:        The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
        !          4484: stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
        !          4485:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          4486: %%
        !          4487: Idiot, n.:
        !          4488:        A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
        !          4489: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
        !          4490:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4491: %%
        !          4492: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
        !          4493:                -- Roy Santoro
        !          4494: %%
        !          4495: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
        !          4496: %%
        !          4497: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
        !          4498: %%
        !          4499: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
        !          4500: Ears.
        !          4501: %%
        !          4502: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
        !          4503: Heads.
        !          4504: %%
        !          4505: If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
        !          4506: green, baggy skin.
        !          4507: %%
        !          4508: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
        !          4509: %%
        !          4510: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
        !          4511: invent it.
        !          4512: %%
        !          4513: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
        !          4514: hands.
        !          4515: %%
        !          4516: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
        !          4517: %%
        !          4518: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
        !          4519:                -- Yiddish saying
        !          4520: %%
        !          4521: If I don't drive around the park,
        !          4522: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
        !          4523: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
        !          4524: I may get back my looks again.
        !          4525: If I abstain from fun and such,
        !          4526: I'll probably amount to much;
        !          4527: But I shall stay the way I am,
        !          4528: Because I do not give a damn.
        !          4529:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          4530: %%
        !          4531: If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
        !          4532: plantation and go home.
        !          4533:                -- Eugene P. Gallagher
        !          4534: %%
        !          4535: If I had any humility I would be perfect.
        !          4536:                -- Ted Turner
        !          4537: %%
        !          4538: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        !          4539:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          4540: %%
        !          4541: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
        !          4542: 
        !          4543: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
        !          4544: also a psychological interaction.
        !          4545: 
        !          4546: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
        !          4547: friendly.
        !          4548: 
        !          4549: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
        !          4550:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          4551: %%
        !          4552: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
        !          4553: As Dame Fortune did intend,
        !          4554: Murphy would be there to tell me
        !          4555: The pot's at the other end.
        !          4556:                -- Bert Whitney
        !          4557: %%
        !          4558: If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
        !          4559: They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
        !          4560: of it.
        !          4561:                -- Thomas Carlyle
        !          4562: %%
        !          4563: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
        !          4564: %%
        !          4565: If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
        !          4566: passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
        !          4567:                -- T. Cheatham
        !          4568: %%
        !          4569: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
        !          4570: him up.
        !          4571: %%
        !          4572: If all be true that I do think,
        !          4573: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
        !          4574: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
        !          4575: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
        !          4576: Or any other reason why.
        !          4577: %%
        !          4578: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
        !          4579: error.
        !          4580:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          4581: %%
        !          4582: If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
        !          4583:                -- Paul Beatty
        !          4584: %%
        !          4585: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
        !          4586: conclusion.
        !          4587:                -- William Baumol
        !          4588: %%
        !          4589: If an S and an I and an O and a U
        !          4590: With an X at the end spell Su;
        !          4591: And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
        !          4592: Pray what is a speller to do?
        !          4593: Then, if also an S and an I and a G
        !          4594: And an HED spell side,
        !          4595: There's nothing much left for a speller to do
        !          4596: But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
        !          4597:                -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
        !          4598: %%
        !          4599: If anything can go wrong, it will.
        !          4600: %%
        !          4601: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
        !          4602: %%
        !          4603: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
        !          4604: %%
        !          4605: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
        !          4606: tellers?
        !          4607: %%
        !          4608: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
        !          4609: %%
        !          4610: If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
        !          4611: %%
        !          4612: If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
        !          4613: %%
        !          4614: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
        !          4615: %%
        !          4616: If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
        !          4617: %%
        !          4618: If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
        !          4619: %%
        !          4620: If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
        !          4621: you've got in the house.
        !          4622:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          4623: %%
        !          4624: If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
        !          4625: the page number.
        !          4626: %%
        !          4627: If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
        !          4628: %%
        !          4629: If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
        !          4630: in my name at a Swiss bank.
        !          4631:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          4632: %%
        !          4633: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
        !          4634: %%
        !          4635: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
        !          4636: having to accomplish anything.
        !          4637: %%
        !          4638: If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
        !          4639: arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
        !          4640: physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
        !          4641: entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
        !          4642:                -- Vannevar Bush
        !          4643: %%
        !          4644: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
        !          4645: harder.
        !          4646:                -- Pope John Paul I
        !          4647: %%
        !          4648: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
        !          4649: me!"
        !          4650:                -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
        !          4651: %%
        !          4652: If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
        !          4653:                -- Norm Schryer
        !          4654: %%
        !          4655: If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
        !          4656: get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
        !          4657: See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
        !          4658: the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
        !          4659: that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
        !          4660: college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
        !          4661: and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
        !          4662: rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
        !          4663: Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
        !          4664: interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
        !          4665: opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
        !          4666: himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
        !          4667: boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
        !          4668:                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
        !          4669: %%
        !          4670: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
        !          4671: are 50-50 it will.
        !          4672: %%
        !          4673: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
        !          4674: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
        !          4675: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
        !          4676: exceed all expectations.
        !          4677:                -- Reverend Chichester
        !          4678: %%
        !          4679: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
        !          4680: %%
        !          4681: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
        !          4682: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
        !          4683: %%
        !          4684: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
        !          4685:                -- Art Hoppe
        !          4686: %%
        !          4687: If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
        !          4688: %%
        !          4689: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
        !          4690: %%
        !          4691: If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
        !          4692: doing the thinking.
        !          4693:                -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
        !          4694: %%
        !          4695: If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
        !          4696: headed.
        !          4697: %%
        !          4698: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
        !          4699: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
        !          4700: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
        !          4701:                -- Marguerite Emmons
        !          4702: %%
        !          4703: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
        !          4704:                -- J. Paul Getty
        !          4705: %%
        !          4706: If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
        !          4707: %%
        !          4708: If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
        !          4709: %%
        !          4710: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
        !          4711:                -- Harry S Truman
        !          4712: %%
        !          4713: If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a
        !          4714: call.
        !          4715: %%
        !          4716: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
        !          4717: %%
        !          4718: If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
        !          4719: %%
        !          4720: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
        !          4721: %%
        !          4722: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
        !          4723: will.
        !          4724: %%
        !          4725: If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
        !          4726: will always do it.
        !          4727:                -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
        !          4728: %%
        !          4729: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
        !          4730: make the rubble bounce"
        !          4731:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          4732: %%
        !          4733: If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
        !          4734: %%
        !          4735: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
        !          4736: %%
        !          4737: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
        !          4738: %%
        !          4739: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
        !          4740:                -- Graham Summer
        !          4741: %%
        !          4742: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
        !          4743: really make them think they'll hate you.
        !          4744: %%
        !          4745: If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
        !          4746:                -- Maslow
        !          4747: %%
        !          4748: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
        !          4749: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
        !          4750: develop.
        !          4751: %%
        !          4752: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
        !          4753: you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
        !          4754:                -- Mark Twain
        !          4755: %%
        !          4756: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
        !          4757: you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
        !          4758: ice, but no cup.
        !          4759: %%
        !          4760: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
        !          4761: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
        !          4762: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
        !          4763: %%
        !          4764: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
        !          4765:                -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
        !          4766: %%
        !          4767: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
        !          4768: tomorrow!
        !          4769: %%
        !          4770: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
        !          4771: payments.
        !          4772:                -- Earl Wilson
        !          4773: %%
        !          4774: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
        !          4775: shopping center in the world?
        !          4776:                -- Richard M. Nixon
        !          4777: %%
        !          4778: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
        !          4779: shopping center in the world?
        !          4780:                -- Richard Nixon
        !          4781: %%
        !          4782: If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
        !          4783: be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
        !          4784: you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw
        !          4785: another party next year.
        !          4786: 
        !          4787: What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
        !          4788: several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
        !          4789: been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
        !          4790: avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
        !          4791: parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
        !          4792: having another one ...
        !          4793: 
        !          4794: If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
        !          4795: your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
        !          4796: through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
        !          4797: that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
        !          4798: someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
        !          4799: %%
        !          4800: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
        !          4801: word you say, talk in your sleep.
        !          4802: %%
        !          4803: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
        !          4804: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
        !          4805: it, even if they don't know what it means."
        !          4806:                -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
        !          4807: %%
        !          4808: If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
        !          4809: tomorrow morning, sleep late.
        !          4810:                -- Henny Youngman
        !          4811: %%
        !          4812: If you're happy, you're successful.
        !          4813: %%
        !          4814: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        !          4815: %%
        !          4816: If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
        !          4817:                -- Benjamin Disraeli
        !          4818: %%
        !          4819: If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
        !          4820: off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
        !          4821: universe?
        !          4822: %%
        !          4823: If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
        !          4824:                -- Ronald Reagan
        !          4825: %%
        !          4826: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
        !          4827:        Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
        !          4828: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
        !          4829:        Et le m^omerade horgrave.
        !          4830:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          4831: %%
        !          4832: I'll grant the random access to my heart,
        !          4833: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
        !          4834: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
        !          4835: And in our bound partition never part.
        !          4836:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          4837: %%
        !          4838: Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
        !          4839: land He's trying to ignore.
        !          4840: %%
        !          4841: I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
        !          4842: N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
        !          4843: I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
        !          4844: She's traversed me seven times before.
        !          4845: And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
        !          4846: Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
        !          4847: I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
        !          4848: N-ary the tree I am, I am,
        !          4849: N-ary the tree I am.
        !          4850: %%
        !          4851: I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
        !          4852: man.
        !          4853: %%
        !          4854: I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
        !          4855: sister.
        !          4856: %%
        !          4857: I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
        !          4858: die in.
        !          4859:                -- George McGovern
        !          4860: %%
        !          4861: I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
        !          4862:                -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
        !          4863: %%
        !          4864: I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
        !          4865: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
        !          4866: %%
        !          4867: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
        !          4868: life.
        !          4869: %%
        !          4870: I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
        !          4871: soon ...
        !          4872: %%
        !          4873: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
        !          4874: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
        !          4875: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
        !          4876: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
        !          4877:                -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
        !          4878: %%
        !          4879: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
        !          4880:                -- Jules de Gaultier
        !          4881: %%
        !          4882: Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
        !          4883: a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
        !          4884: storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on
        !          4885: voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
        !          4886: What's the first question that the computer community asks?
        !          4887: 
        !          4888: "Is it PC compatible?"
        !          4889: %%
        !          4890: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
        !          4891:                -- Edgar A. Shoaff
        !          4892: %%
        !          4893: Impartial, adj.:
        !          4894:        Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
        !          4895: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
        !          4896: conflicting opinions.
        !          4897:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4898: %%
        !          4899: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
        !          4900: mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
        !          4901: Boss is reading it.
        !          4902: %%
        !          4903: In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
        !          4904: of the risks he takes.
        !          4905:                -- Adlai Stevenson
        !          4906: %%
        !          4907: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
        !          4908: resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
        !          4909: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
        !          4910:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4911: %%
        !          4912: In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
        !          4913: programming languages.
        !          4914: %%
        !          4915: In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
        !          4916: into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
        !          4917: between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
        !          4918: will only make it mushy.
        !          4919:                -- Mark Twain
        !          4920: %%
        !          4921: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
        !          4922: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
        !          4923: Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
        !          4924: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
        !          4925:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          4926: %%
        !          4927: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
        !          4928: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
        !          4929: %%
        !          4930: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
        !          4931: incompetency
        !          4932:                -- The Peter Principle
        !          4933: %%
        !          4934: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
        !          4935: are to be treated as variables.
        !          4936: %%
        !          4937: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
        !          4938: will be temporarily canceled.
        !          4939: %%
        !          4940: In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
        !          4941: make it better.
        !          4942: %%
        !          4943: "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
        !          4944:                -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
        !          4945: %%
        !          4946: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
        !          4947: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
        !          4948: from the cares of office.
        !          4949:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4950: %%
        !          4951: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
        !          4952: %%
        !          4953: [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You
        !          4954: could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense
        !          4955: that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
        !          4956: 
        !          4957: And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
        !          4958: over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we
        !          4959: didn't need that.  Our energy would simply `prevail'.  There was no
        !          4960: point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;
        !          4961: we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
        !          4962: 
        !          4963: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
        !          4964: Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
        !          4965: ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
        !          4966: rolled back.
        !          4967:                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
        !          4968: %%
        !          4969: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
        !          4970: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
        !          4971: discotheques.
        !          4972:                -- Art Linkletter
        !          4973: %%
        !          4974: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
        !          4975: the proper order then why can't he?
        !          4976: %%
        !          4977: In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
        !          4978: Dead.
        !          4979:                -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
        !          4980: %%
        !          4981: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
        !          4982:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          4983: %%
        !          4984: In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
        !          4985: a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
        !          4986: to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
        !          4987: forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you
        !          4988: stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
        !          4989: punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
        !          4990: enough to punch you.
        !          4991:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          4992: %%
        !          4993: Incumbent, n.:
        !          4994:        Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
        !          4995:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          4996: %%
        !          4997: Information Center, n.:
        !          4998:        A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
        !          4999: to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
        !          5000: %%
        !          5001: Ingrate, n.:
        !          5002:        A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
        !          5003: indigestion.
        !          5004: %%
        !          5005: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
        !          5006:                -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
        !          5007: %%
        !          5008: Ink, n.:
        !          5009:        A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
        !          5010: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
        !          5011: intellectual crime.
        !          5012:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5013: %%
        !          5014: Innovation is hard to schedule.
        !          5015:                -- Dan Fylstra
        !          5016: %%
        !          5017: Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
        !          5018: %%
        !          5019: Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
        !          5020: salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
        !          5021: %%
        !          5022: Interpreter, n.:
        !          5023:        One who enables two persons of different languages to
        !          5024: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
        !          5025: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
        !          5026:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5027: %%
        !          5028: Iron Law of Distribution:
        !          5029:        Them that has, gets.
        !          5030: %%
        !          5031: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
        !          5032: meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
        !          5033: soap bubble?
        !          5034: %%
        !          5035: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
        !          5036: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
        !          5037: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
        !          5038:                -- Ralph Emerson
        !          5039: %%
        !          5040: Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
        !          5041: %%
        !          5042: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
        !          5043: tellers take economists seriously?
        !          5044: %%
        !          5045: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
        !          5046: 
        !          5047:        The Course of Progress:
        !          5048:                Most things get steadily worse.
        !          5049: 
        !          5050:        The Path of Progress:
        !          5051:                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
        !          5052: %%
        !          5053: It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
        !          5054: thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
        !          5055: drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
        !          5056:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5057: %%
        !          5058: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
        !          5059: %%
        !          5060: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
        !          5061: program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
        !          5062: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
        !          5063: self-critical?
        !          5064:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          5065: %%
        !          5066: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
        !          5067: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
        !          5068: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
        !          5069:                -- Voltaire
        !          5070: %%
        !          5071: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
        !          5072: %%
        !          5073: It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
        !          5074: benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
        !          5075: to use either.
        !          5076:                -- Mark Twain
        !          5077: %%
        !          5078: It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
        !          5079: incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
        !          5080: twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
        !          5081:                -- R. Serling
        !          5082: %%
        !          5083: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
        !          5084: lightly greased."
        !          5085:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          5086: %%
        !          5087: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
        !          5088: versa.
        !          5089: %%
        !          5090: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
        !          5091: %%
        !          5092: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
        !          5093: one.
        !          5094: %%
        !          5095: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
        !          5096: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
        !          5097: people.
        !          5098:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          5099: %%
        !          5100: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
        !          5101: ingenious.
        !          5102: %%
        !          5103: It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
        !          5104: desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
        !          5105:                -- Woody Allen
        !          5106: %%
        !          5107: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
        !          5108: problem.
        !          5109: %%
        !          5110: It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
        !          5111:                -- Gore Vidal
        !          5112: %%
        !          5113: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
        !          5114: damn thing over and over.
        !          5115:                -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
        !          5116: %%
        !          5117: It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
        !          5118:                -- Elizabeth Carpenter
        !          5119: %%
        !          5120: It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
        !          5121: pit.
        !          5122: %%
        !          5123: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
        !          5124: virginity could be a virtue.
        !          5125:                -- Voltaire
        !          5126: %%
        !          5127: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
        !          5128: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
        !          5129: high as the eagle?
        !          5130: %%
        !          5131: It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
        !          5132: statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
        !          5133: glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
        !          5134: which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the
        !          5135: day, that is the highest of arts.
        !          5136:                -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
        !          5137: %%
        !          5138: It is the business of little minds to shrink.
        !          5139:                -- Carl Sandburg
        !          5140: %%
        !          5141: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        !          5142:                -- Hawkwind
        !          5143: %%
        !          5144: It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
        !          5145: %%
        !          5146: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
        !          5147: warning to others.
        !          5148: %%
        !          5149: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
        !          5150: flag.
        !          5151: %%
        !          5152: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
        !          5153: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
        !          5154: %%
        !          5155: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
        !          5156: %%
        !          5157: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
        !          5158: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
        !          5159: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
        !          5160: the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
        !          5161: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
        !          5162: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
        !          5163: yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
        !          5164: man a lifetime."
        !          5165:                -- Thomas Aldrich
        !          5166: %%
        !          5167: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
        !          5168: the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
        !          5169: %%
        !          5170: "It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
        !          5171: hour!"
        !          5172:                -- Macy's
        !          5173: %%
        !          5174: It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
        !          5175:                -- Andrew Jackson
        !          5176: %%
        !          5177: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
        !          5178:                -- Andrew W. Mathis
        !          5179: %%
        !          5180: "It's easier said than done."
        !          5181: 
        !          5182: ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
        !          5183: said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
        !          5184: said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
        !          5185: done".
        !          5186: %%
        !          5187: It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
        !          5188: %%
        !          5189: It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
        !          5190: being right.
        !          5191: %%
        !          5192: It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
        !          5193: is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
        !          5194: isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
        !          5195:                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
        !          5196: %%
        !          5197: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
        !          5198: direction.
        !          5199: %%
        !          5200: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
        !          5201:                -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
        !          5202: %%
        !          5203: It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
        !          5204:                -- Phil White
        !          5205: %%
        !          5206: It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
        !          5207:                -- Alexander Korda
        !          5208: %%
        !          5209: It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
        !          5210: happens.
        !          5211:                -- Woody Allen
        !          5212: %%
        !          5213: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
        !          5214: %%
        !          5215: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        !          5216:        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        !          5217:        legislature is in session.
        !          5218: %%
        !          5219: Jenkinson's Law:
        !          5220:        It won't work.
        !          5221: %%
        !          5222: Jesus Saves,
        !          5223: Moses Invests,
        !          5224: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
        !          5225: %%
        !          5226: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
        !          5227: %%
        !          5228: Johnson's First Law:
        !          5229:        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        !          5230:        most inconvenient possible time.
        !          5231: %%
        !          5232: Jone's Law:
        !          5233:        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
        !          5234:        to blame it on.
        !          5235: %%
        !          5236: Jone's Motto:
        !          5237:        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
        !          5238: %%
        !          5239: Jones's First Law:
        !          5240:        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        !          5241:        endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
        !          5242:        obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
        !          5243:        importance of their original contribution.
        !          5244: %%
        !          5245: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
        !          5246: knows what it is.
        !          5247: %%
        !          5248: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
        !          5249: %%
        !          5250: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
        !          5251: immune to bullets"
        !          5252:                -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
        !          5253: %%
        !          5254: Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
        !          5255: twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
        !          5256: %%
        !          5257: Justice is incidental to law and order.
        !          5258:                -- J. Edgar Hoover
        !          5259: %%
        !          5260: Justice, n.:
        !          5261:        A decision in your favor.
        !          5262: %%
        !          5263: Katz' Law:
        !          5264:        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        !          5265:        possibilities have been exhausted.
        !          5266: %%
        !          5267: Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
        !          5268: %%
        !          5269: Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
        !          5270: %%
        !          5271: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
        !          5272: %%
        !          5273: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        !          5274:        1.  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
        !          5275:            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
        !          5276:            force is technically termed "car suck").
        !          5277:        2.  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
        !          5278:            than "Watch this!"
        !          5279: %%
        !          5280: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
        !          5281: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
        !          5282: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
        !          5283: Your Feet on the Ground,
        !          5284: Your Head on your Shoulders.
        !          5285: Now ... try to get something DONE!
        !          5286: %%
        !          5287: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
        !          5288: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
        !          5289: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
        !          5290: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
        !          5291: dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
        !          5292: what's wrong."
        !          5293: %%
        !          5294: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
        !          5295:        Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
        !          5296:        and parking for the faculty.
        !          5297: %%
        !          5298: Kin, n.:
        !          5299:        An affliction of the blood
        !          5300: %%
        !          5301: Kinkler's First Law:
        !          5302:        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
        !          5303: 
        !          5304: Kinkler's Second Law:
        !          5305:        All the easy problems have been solved.
        !          5306: %%
        !          5307: "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
        !          5308: %%
        !          5309: Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
        !          5310: %%
        !          5311: Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
        !          5312: %%
        !          5313: Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
        !          5314: %%
        !          5315: Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
        !          5316: %%
        !          5317: Kleptomaniac, n.:
        !          5318:        A rich thief.
        !          5319:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5320: %%
        !          5321: Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
        !          5322: %%
        !          5323: Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
        !          5324:                -- Henry N. Camp
        !          5325: %%
        !          5326: Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
        !          5327:        The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
        !          5328:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          5329: %%
        !          5330: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        !          5331:        Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
        !          5332:        Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
        !          5333:        you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
        !          5334:        fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
        !          5335:        a sick sense of humor.
        !          5336: %%
        !          5337: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
        !          5338: 
        !          5339: Dear Sir,
        !          5340: 
        !          5341: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
        !          5342: to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
        !          5343: public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
        !          5344: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
        !          5345: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
        !          5346: agricultural industry.
        !          5347: 
        !          5348: Yours faithfully,
        !          5349:        Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
        !          5350:        Sevenoaks
        !          5351: %%
        !          5352: LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
        !          5353:        Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
        !          5354:        desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
        !          5355:        polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
        !          5356: %%
        !          5357: LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
        !          5358: %%
        !          5359: Labor, n.:
        !          5360:        One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
        !          5361:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5362: %%
        !          5363: Lackland's Laws:
        !          5364:        1.  Never be first.
        !          5365:        2.  Never be last.
        !          5366:        3.  Never volunteer for anything
        !          5367: %%
        !          5368: Lactomangulation, n.:
        !          5369:        Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
        !          5370: that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
        !          5371:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          5372: %%
        !          5373: Laetrile is the pits
        !          5374: %%
        !          5375: Langsam's Laws:
        !          5376:        1) Everything depends.
        !          5377:        2) Nothing is always.
        !          5378:        3) Everything is sometimes.
        !          5379: %%
        !          5380: Larkinson's Law:
        !          5381:        All laws are basically false.
        !          5382: %%
        !          5383: Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
        !          5384: %%
        !          5385: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
        !          5386:                -- Victor Borge
        !          5387: %%
        !          5388: Law of Communications:
        !          5389:        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        !          5390:        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        !          5391:        area of misunderstanding.
        !          5392: %%
        !          5393: Law of Probable Dispersal:
        !          5394:        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        !          5395:        distributed.
        !          5396: %%
        !          5397: Law of Selective Gravity:
        !          5398:        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
        !          5399: 
        !          5400: Jenning's Corollary:
        !          5401:        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        !          5402:        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
        !          5403: %%
        !          5404: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        !          5405:        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        !          5406:        bread to butter.
        !          5407: %%
        !          5408: Laws of Serendipity:
        !          5409: 
        !          5410:        1.  In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
        !          5411:            something.
        !          5412:        2.  If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
        !          5413:            be engaged in making an inferior one.
        !          5414: %%
        !          5415: Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
        !          5416:        No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
        !          5417:        approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
        !          5418: %%
        !          5419: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
        !          5420: %%
        !          5421: Leibowitz's Rule:
        !          5422:        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        !          5423:        hold the hammer with both hands.
        !          5424: %%
        !          5425: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
        !          5426: %%
        !          5427: Let us live!!!
        !          5428: Let us love!!!
        !          5429: Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
        !          5430: 
        !          5431: You first.
        !          5432: %%
        !          5433: Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
        !          5434: overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars:
        !          5435: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return
        !          5436: around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours
        !          5437: poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe money, you
        !          5438: can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it
        !          5439: to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?  It's not his
        !          5440: money.
        !          5441:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          5442: %%
        !          5443: Lewis's Law of Travel:
        !          5444:        The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
        !          5445:        anyone, ever.
        !          5446: %%
        !          5447: Liar, n.:
        !          5448:        A lawyer with a roving commission.
        !          5449:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5450: %%
        !          5451: Lie, n.:
        !          5452:        A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
        !          5453: discovered to date.
        !          5454: %%
        !          5455: Lieberman's Law:
        !          5456:        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
        !          5457: %%
        !          5458: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
        !          5459: %%
        !          5460: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
        !          5461: %%
        !          5462: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
        !          5463: there is nothing in it.
        !          5464: %%
        !          5465: "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
        !          5466: which I disapprove."
        !          5467: %%
        !          5468: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
        !          5469: sense from things she found in gift shops.
        !          5470:                -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
        !          5471: %%
        !          5472: Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
        !          5473: for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
        !          5474:                -- Alan McKay
        !          5475: %%
        !          5476: Limericks are art forms complex,
        !          5477: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        !          5478:        They usually have virgins,
        !          5479:        And masculine urgin's,
        !          5480: And other erotic effects.
        !          5481: %%
        !          5482: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
        !          5483: %%
        !          5484: Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
        !          5485:        we should think only about today.
        !          5486: Charlie Brown:
        !          5487:        No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
        !          5488:        better.
        !          5489: %%
        !          5490: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
        !          5491: around the Sun.
        !          5492: %%
        !          5493: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
        !          5494: before.
        !          5495: %%
        !          5496: Lizzie Borden took an axe,
        !          5497: And plunged it deep into the VAX;
        !          5498: Don't you envy people who
        !          5499: Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
        !          5500: %%
        !          5501: Lockwood's Long Shot:
        !          5502:        The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
        !          5503:        one in a million, but once would be enough.
        !          5504: %%
        !          5505: Look out!  Behind you!
        !          5506: %%
        !          5507: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
        !          5508: %%
        !          5509: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
        !          5510: world has ever seen.
        !          5511: %%
        !          5512: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
        !          5513: Hate is a word that is not.
        !          5514: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
        !          5515: Love, I have read, is hot.
        !          5516: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
        !          5517: And Love but a drug on the mart.
        !          5518: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
        !          5519: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        !          5520:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          5521: %%
        !          5522: Love is sentimental measles.
        !          5523: %%
        !          5524: Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        !          5525:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          5526: %%
        !          5527: Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
        !          5528: to.
        !          5529: %%
        !          5530: Lowery's Law:
        !          5531:        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
        !          5532:        anyway.
        !          5533: %%
        !          5534: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        !          5535:        There's always one more bug.
        !          5536: %%
        !          5537: Lunatic Asylum, n.:
        !          5538:        The place where optimism most flourishes.
        !          5539: %%
        !          5540: Lysistrata had a good idea.
        !          5541: %%
        !          5542: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
        !          5543: 
        !          5544:   Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie       36 RITZ Crackers
        !          5545: 2 cups water                            2 cups sugar
        !          5546: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar             2 tablespoons lemon juice
        !          5547:   Grated rind of one lemon                Butter or margarine
        !          5548:   Cinnamon
        !          5549: 
        !          5550: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
        !          5551: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
        !          5552: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
        !          5553: juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
        !          5554: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
        !          5555: crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
        !          5556: steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
        !          5557: is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
        !          5558:                -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
        !          5559: %%
        !          5560: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
        !          5561: the smallest amount of thoughts."
        !          5562:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          5563: %%
        !          5564: Mad, adj.:
        !          5565:        Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
        !          5566:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5567: %%
        !          5568: Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
        !          5569: first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
        !          5570:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          5571: %%
        !          5572: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
        !          5573: 
        !          5574: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
        !          5575: 
        !          5576: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
        !          5577: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
        !          5578: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
        !          5579: knowledge.
        !          5580:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5581: %%
        !          5582: Magnocartic, adj.:
        !          5583:        Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
        !          5584: carts.
        !          5585:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          5586: %%
        !          5587: Magpie, n.:
        !          5588:        A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
        !          5589: might be taught to talk.
        !          5590:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5591: %%
        !          5592: Maier's Law:
        !          5593:        If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
        !          5594:        disposed of.
        !          5595: 
        !          5596: Corollaries:
        !          5597:        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        !          5598:        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
        !          5599:            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
        !          5600:            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
        !          5601: %%
        !          5602: Main's Law:
        !          5603:        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
        !          5604:        program.
        !          5605: %%
        !          5606: Maintainer's Motto:
        !          5607:        If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
        !          5608: %%
        !          5609: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
        !          5610:        as one man.
        !          5611: 
        !          5612: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
        !          5613: 
        !          5614: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
        !          5615:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5616: %%
        !          5617: Majority, n.:
        !          5618:        That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
        !          5619: %%
        !          5620: Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
        !          5621: tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
        !          5622: has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
        !          5623: the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
        !          5624:                -- System V.2 administrator's guide
        !          5625: %%
        !          5626: Malek's Law:
        !          5627:        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
        !          5628: %%
        !          5629: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
        !          5630:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          5631: %%
        !          5632: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
        !          5633: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
        !          5634:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          5635: %%
        !          5636: Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
        !          5637: only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
        !          5638:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          5639: %%
        !          5640: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        !          5641:                -- Mark Twain
        !          5642: %%
        !          5643: Man, n.:
        !          5644:        An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
        !          5645: he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
        !          5646: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
        !          5647: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
        !          5648: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
        !          5649:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5650: %%
        !          5651: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
        !          5652: unless it is an enemy.
        !          5653:                -- A. Einstein
        !          5654: %%
        !          5655: Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
        !          5656: dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
        !          5657: man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
        !          5658: air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
        !          5659: primitive umpire.
        !          5660: 
        !          5661: What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
        !          5662: mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
        !          5663:                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        !          5664: %%
        !          5665: Manual, n.:
        !          5666:        A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
        !          5667: given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
        !          5668: information you need in in the others.
        !          5669:                -- Ray Simard
        !          5670: %%
        !          5671: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
        !          5672: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
        !          5673: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
        !          5674: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
        !          5675:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          5676: %%
        !          5677: Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
        !          5678:        Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
        !          5679:        simple yes or no answer.
        !          5680: %%
        !          5681: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
        !          5682:                -- Voltaire
        !          5683: %%
        !          5684: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
        !          5685: %%
        !          5686: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
        !          5687: receipt.
        !          5688: %%
        !          5689: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
        !          5690:                -- Jules Feiffer
        !          5691: %%
        !          5692: May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
        !          5693: %%
        !          5694: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
        !          5695: %%
        !          5696: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
        !          5697: %%
        !          5698: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
        !          5699: Thousand Caramels.
        !          5700: %%
        !          5701: Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
        !          5702:                -- R. S. Barton
        !          5703: %%
        !          5704: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
        !          5705: it.
        !          5706: %%
        !          5707: Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
        !          5708: nativity scene removed:
        !          5709:        "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
        !          5710:        and a virgin in the whole organization."
        !          5711: %%
        !          5712: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        !          5713:        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        !          5714:        $19.95.
        !          5715: %%
        !          5716: Meader's Law:
        !          5717:        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        !          5718:        everyone you know, only more so.
        !          5719: %%
        !          5720: Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
        !          5721: %%
        !          5722: Meeting, n.:
        !          5723:        An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
        !          5724: department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
        !          5725: %%
        !          5726: Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
        !          5727: from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
        !          5728: Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
        !          5729: had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
        !          5730:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
        !          5731: %%
        !          5732: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        !          5733:        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
        !          5734: %%
        !          5735: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        !          5736:        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        !          5737:        cork makes when it is popped.
        !          5738: %%
        !          5739: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        !          5740:        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
        !          5741: %%
        !          5742: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        !          5743:        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        !          5744:        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        !          5745:        can never hope to acquire it.
        !          5746: %%
        !          5747: Menu, n.:
        !          5748:        A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
        !          5749: %%
        !          5750: Meskimen's Law:
        !          5751:        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        !          5752:        do it over.
        !          5753: %%
        !          5754: Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
        !          5755: %%
        !          5756: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
        !          5757: %%
        !          5758: Micro Credo:
        !          5759:        Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
        !          5760: %%
        !          5761: "Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
        !          5762: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
        !          5763: %%
        !          5764: Miksch's Law:
        !          5765:        If a string has one end, then it has another end.
        !          5766: %%
        !          5767: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        !          5768:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          5769: %%
        !          5770: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        !          5771:                -- Groucho Marx
        !          5772: %%
        !          5773: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
        !          5774: themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
        !          5775:                -- Susan Ertz
        !          5776: %%
        !          5777: Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
        !          5778: politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
        !          5779: and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
        !          5780: are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
        !          5781: rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
        !          5782: the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
        !          5783: Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
        !          5784: Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
        !          5785: Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
        !          5786: black.
        !          5787:                -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
        !          5788: %%
        !          5789: Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
        !          5790: is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,
        !          5791: myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
        !          5792: the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
        !          5793: unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You
        !          5794: will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
        !          5795: dead as a door-nail.
        !          5796: %%
        !          5797: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
        !          5798: %%
        !          5799: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
        !          5800: %%
        !          5801: Misfortune, n.:
        !          5802:        The kind of fortune that never misses.
        !          5803:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5804: %%
        !          5805: Miss, n.:
        !          5806:        A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
        !          5807: they are in the market.
        !          5808:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5809: %%
        !          5810: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
        !          5811: %%
        !          5812: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        !          5813:        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        !          5814:        held to discuss it.
        !          5815: %%
        !          5816: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
        !          5817: %%
        !          5818: Molecule, n.:
        !          5819:        The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
        !          5820: from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
        !          5821: closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
        !          5822: matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
        !          5823: atom in that it is an ion ...
        !          5824:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5825: %%
        !          5826: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        !          5827:        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        !          5828:        it wasn't worth doing.
        !          5829: %%
        !          5830: Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
        !          5831: %%
        !          5832: Monday, n.:
        !          5833:        In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
        !          5834:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5835: %%
        !          5836: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
        !          5837: %%
        !          5838: Mophobia, n.:
        !          5839:        Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
        !          5840: %%
        !          5841: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
        !          5842: path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
        !          5843: extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
        !          5844:                -- Woody Allen
        !          5845: %%
        !          5846: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        !          5847:        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        !          5848:        be out of a job.
        !          5849: %%
        !          5850: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
        !          5851:                -- Frank Zappa
        !          5852: %%
        !          5853: Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
        !          5854: %%
        !          5855: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        !          5856:        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        !          5857:        population is growing.
        !          5858: %%
        !          5859: Murphy's Discovery:
        !          5860:        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
        !          5861:        women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
        !          5862:        everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months
        !          5863:        later, you're in trouble!
        !          5864: %%
        !          5865: Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
        !          5866: work.
        !          5867: %%
        !          5868: Murphy's Law of Research:
        !          5869:        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
        !          5870: %%
        !          5871: Mustgo, n.:
        !          5872:        Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
        !          5873: long it has become a science project.
        !          5874:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          5875: %%
        !          5876: My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
        !          5877: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
        !          5878: sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
        !          5879: through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
        !          5880: listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
        !          5881: log out again.
        !          5882: %%
        !          5883: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
        !          5884:        And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
        !          5885: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
        !          5886:        And the skies are sunlit for him.
        !          5887: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
        !          5888:        As the fragrance of acacia.
        !          5889: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
        !          5890:        And I wish he were in Asia.
        !          5891:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          5892: %%
        !          5893: My love runs by like a day in June,
        !          5894:        And he makes no friends of sorrows.
        !          5895: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
        !          5896:        In the pathway or the morrows.
        !          5897: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
        !          5898:        Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
        !          5899: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
        !          5900:        And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
        !          5901:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          5902: %%
        !          5903: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        !          5904: %%
        !          5905: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
        !          5906:        And he cares not what comes after.
        !          5907: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
        !          5908:        And his eyes are lit with laughter.
        !          5909: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
        !          5910:        Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
        !          5911: My own dear love, he is all my world --
        !          5912:        And I wish I'd never met him.
        !          5913:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          5914: %%
        !          5915: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
        !          5916: %%
        !          5917: Mythology, n.:
        !          5918:        The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
        !          5919: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
        !          5920: from the true accounts which it invents later.
        !          5921:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          5922: %%
        !          5923: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
        !          5924:          says is wrong.
        !          5925: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
        !          5926:          will be right.
        !          5927:                -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
        !          5928: %%
        !          5929: NEWS FLASH!!
        !          5930:        Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
        !          5931:        German pole-vault champion.
        !          5932: %%
        !          5933: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
        !          5934: %%
        !          5935: Naeser's Law:
        !          5936:        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        !          5937:        damnfoolproof.
        !          5938: %%
        !          5939: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
        !          5940: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
        !          5941: 
        !          5942: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
        !          5943: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
        !          5944: %%
        !          5945: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
        !          5946: character, give him power.
        !          5947:                -- Abraham Lincoln
        !          5948: %%
        !          5949: Necessity is a mother.
        !          5950: %%
        !          5951: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
        !          5952: %%
        !          5953: Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
        !          5954: %%
        !          5955: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
        !          5956: %%
        !          5957: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
        !          5958: %%
        !          5959: Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
        !          5960: with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
        !          5961: change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
        !          5962: fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
        !          5963: have windows.
        !          5964: %%
        !          5965: Never eat more than you can lift.
        !          5966:                -- Miss Piggy
        !          5967: %%
        !          5968: Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
        !          5969: %%
        !          5970: Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
        !          5971:                -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
        !          5972: %%
        !          5973: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
        !          5974: make it complex and wonderful.
        !          5975: %%
        !          5976: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
        !          5977: substance.
        !          5978:                -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
        !          5979: %%
        !          5980: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
        !          5981: %%
        !          5982: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
        !          5983:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          5984: %%
        !          5985: Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
        !          5986: supposed to do.
        !          5987:                -- R. A. Heinlein
        !          5988: %%
        !          5989: New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
        !          5990: his wife most often reminds him to act it.
        !          5991:                -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
        !          5992: %%
        !          5993: New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
        !          5994: %%
        !          5995: New York's got the ways and means;
        !          5996: Just won't let you be.
        !          5997:                -- The Grateful Dead
        !          5998: %%
        !          5999: New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
        !          6000: %%
        !          6001: New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
        !          6002: Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
        !          6003: %%
        !          6004: New systems generate new problems.
        !          6005: %%
        !          6006: Newlan's Truism:
        !          6007:        An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
        !          6008:        economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
        !          6009: %%
        !          6010: Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
        !          6011: %%
        !          6012: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        !          6013:        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
        !          6014: %%
        !          6015: Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
        !          6016: have a lucky day this year.
        !          6017: %%
        !          6018: Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
        !          6019: as an income tax refund.
        !          6020:                -- F. J. Raymond
        !          6021: %%
        !          6022: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
        !          6023: %%
        !          6024: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
        !          6025: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
        !          6026: (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
        !          6027: Americans call him by value.
        !          6028: %%
        !          6029: Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
        !          6030: Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
        !          6031: Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
        !          6032: Three megs for system source;
        !          6033: 
        !          6034: One disk to rule them all,
        !          6035: One disk to bind them,
        !          6036: One disk to hold the files
        !          6037: And in the darkness grind 'em.
        !          6038: %%
        !          6039: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        !          6040:        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        !          6041:        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        !          6042:        percent.
        !          6043: %%
        !          6044: No good deed goes unpunished.
        !          6045:                -- Clare Boothe Luce
        !          6046: %%
        !          6047: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
        !          6048: %%
        !          6049: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        !          6050:                -- Eleanor Roosevelt
        !          6051: %%
        !          6052: No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
        !          6053: %%
        !          6054: No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
        !          6055: %%
        !          6056: Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
        !          6057: constructive praise.
        !          6058: %%
        !          6059: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        !          6060:        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        !          6061:        Positive expectations yield negative results.
        !          6062: %%
        !          6063: Noncombatant, n.:
        !          6064:        A dead Quaker.
        !          6065:                -- Ambrose Bierce
        !          6066: %%
        !          6067: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
        !          6068: %%
        !          6069: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
        !          6070: %%
        !          6071: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
        !          6072: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
        !          6073: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
        !          6074: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
        !          6075: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
        !          6076: respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
        !          6077: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
        !          6078: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
        !          6079: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
        !          6080:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          6081: %%
        !          6082: "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
        !          6083: is from the wrong kind of tree."
        !          6084:                --Profesoor W.
        !          6085: %%
        !          6086: Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
        !          6087: of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
        !          6088: is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
        !          6089: unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is
        !          6090: careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
        !          6091:                -- Woody Allen
        !          6092: %%
        !          6093: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
        !          6094: %%
        !          6095: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
        !          6096: %%
        !          6097: Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
        !          6098: 
        !          6099: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
        !          6100: the light comes on.
        !          6101: %%
        !          6102: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
        !          6103:                -- Andrew Young
        !          6104: %%
        !          6105: Nothing recedes like success.
        !          6106:                -- Walter Winchell
        !          6107: %%
        !          6108: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
        !          6109: love.
        !          6110:                -- Charlie Brown
        !          6111: %%
        !          6112: November, n.:
        !          6113:        The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
        !          6114:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6115: %%
        !          6116: Now I lay me down to sleep
        !          6117: I pray the double lock will keep;
        !          6118: May no brick through the window break,
        !          6119: And, no one rob me till I awake.
        !          6120: %%
        !          6121: Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
        !          6122: %%
        !          6123: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
        !          6124: %%
        !          6125: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
        !          6126:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          6127: %%
        !          6128: Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
        !          6129: time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
        !          6130: to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
        !          6131: eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
        !          6132: the following questions:
        !          6133: 
        !          6134: 1:     Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts
        !          6135:        a food?
        !          6136: 2:     Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
        !          6137:        exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
        !          6138: 3:     Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
        !          6139:        prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
        !          6140:        double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
        !          6141:        right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
        !          6142:        longer.)
        !          6143: 
        !          6144: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
        !          6145: %%
        !          6146: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
        !          6147: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
        !          6148: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
        !          6149:                -- "The Begatting of a President"
        !          6150: %%
        !          6151: [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
        !          6152:                -- Edwin Meese III
        !          6153: %%
        !          6154: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
        !          6155: %%
        !          6156: Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
        !          6157: guessing.
        !          6158: %%
        !          6159: O give me a home,
        !          6160: Where the buffalo roam,
        !          6161: Where the deer and the antelope play,
        !          6162: Where seldom is heard
        !          6163: A discouraging word,
        !          6164: 'Cause what can an antelope say?
        !          6165: %%
        !          6166: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        !          6167:        Murphy was an optimist.
        !          6168: %%
        !          6169: O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
        !          6170:        "Murphy was an optimist."
        !          6171: %%
        !          6172: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
        !          6173:                -- Plato
        !          6174: %%
        !          6175: "Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a
        !          6176: fake?"
        !          6177: %%
        !          6178: Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
        !          6179: %%
        !          6180: Office Automation, n.:
        !          6181:        The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
        !          6182: you would want to talk with over coffee.
        !          6183: %%
        !          6184: Ogden's Law:
        !          6185:        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
        !          6186:        up.
        !          6187: %%
        !          6188: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
        !          6189:        When all goes right and none goes wrong,
        !          6190: And isn't your life extremely flat
        !          6191:        With nothing whatever to grumble at!
        !          6192: %%
        !          6193: Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
        !          6194: %%
        !          6195: Oh, when I was in love with you,
        !          6196:        Then I was clean and brave,
        !          6197: And miles around the wonder grew
        !          6198:        How well did I behave.
        !          6199: 
        !          6200: And now the fancy passes by,
        !          6201:        And nothing will remain,
        !          6202: And miles around they'll say that I
        !          6203:        Am quite myself again.
        !          6204:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          6205: %%
        !          6206: Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
        !          6207: %%
        !          6208: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
        !          6209:                -- Trotsky
        !          6210: %%
        !          6211: Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
        !          6212: %%
        !          6213: Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
        !          6214: %%
        !          6215: Oliver's Law:
        !          6216:        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        !          6217:        it.
        !          6218: %%
        !          6219: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
        !          6220: created jerks.
        !          6221:                -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
        !          6222: %%
        !          6223: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
        !          6224: 
        !          6225: "This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
        !          6226:                -- Wolfgang Pauli
        !          6227: %%
        !          6228: Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
        !          6229: forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
        !          6230:                -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
        !          6231: %%
        !          6232: Once Law was sitting on the bench
        !          6233:        And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
        !          6234: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
        !          6235:        Nor come before me creeping.
        !          6236: Upon you knees if you appear,
        !          6237: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
        !          6238: 
        !          6239: Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
        !          6240:        "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
        !          6241: "Amica curiae," she replied --
        !          6242:        "Friend of the court, so please you."
        !          6243: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
        !          6244: I never saw your face before!"
        !          6245:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6246: %%
        !          6247: Once, adv.:
        !          6248:        Enough.
        !          6249:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6250: %%
        !          6251: Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
        !          6252: each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
        !          6253: choice.
        !          6254: 
        !          6255: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
        !          6256: called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
        !          6257: and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People
        !          6258: passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
        !          6259: Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
        !          6260:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          6261: %%
        !          6262: Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
        !          6263: beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
        !          6264: side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
        !          6265: which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
        !          6266: sky.
        !          6267:                -- Rainer Rilke
        !          6268: %%
        !          6269: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
        !          6270: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
        !          6271: the smaller prime numbers.
        !          6272: 
        !          6273: 2:  The Odd Prime --
        !          6274:        It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
        !          6275: 3:  The True Prime --
        !          6276:        Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
        !          6277: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
        !          6278:        Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
        !          6279:        in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
        !          6280:        received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
        !          6281:        next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
        !          6282:        at all.
        !          6283: 
        !          6284: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
        !          6285: derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
        !          6286: true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
        !          6287: %%
        !          6288: One Page Principle:
        !          6289:        A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
        !          6290:        paper cannot be understood.
        !          6291:                -- Mark Ardis
        !          6292: %%
        !          6293: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
        !          6294: %%
        !          6295: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
        !          6296: when well oiled.
        !          6297: %%
        !          6298: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
        !          6299: never have to stop and answer the phone.
        !          6300: %%
        !          6301: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
        !          6302: %%
        !          6303: One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
        !          6304: from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
        !          6305: least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
        !          6306: are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
        !          6307: when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
        !          6308:                -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
        !          6309: %%
        !          6310: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
        !          6311: create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
        !          6312: retail."
        !          6313:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          6314: %%
        !          6315: One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
        !          6316: seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
        !          6317: way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
        !          6318: fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
        !          6319: disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
        !          6320: %%
        !          6321: "One planet is all you get."
        !          6322: %%
        !          6323: One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
        !          6324: %%
        !          6325: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
        !          6326: paint.
        !          6327: %%
        !          6328: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
        !          6329: %%
        !          6330: On-line, adj.:
        !          6331:        The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
        !          6332: computer.
        !          6333: %%
        !          6334: Only God can make random selections.
        !          6335: %%
        !          6336: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
        !          6337: %%
        !          6338: Optimization hinders evolution.
        !          6339: %%
        !          6340: Oregon, n.:
        !          6341:        Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
        !          6342: night.
        !          6343: %%
        !          6344: Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
        !          6345: Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
        !          6346:                -- Mike Adams
        !          6347: %%
        !          6348: Osborn's Law:
        !          6349:        Variables won't; constants aren't.
        !          6350: %%
        !          6351: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
        !          6352: nails.
        !          6353: %%
        !          6354: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        !          6355:        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        !          6356:        in kernel as it is in user!
        !          6357: %%
        !          6358: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
        !          6359: they charge fifteen cents for them.
        !          6360: %%
        !          6361: Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
        !          6362:                -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
        !          6363: %%
        !          6364: Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
        !          6365: %%
        !          6366: Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
        !          6367: %%
        !          6368: Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
        !          6369: %%
        !          6370: Ozman's Laws:
        !          6371:        1.  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
        !          6372:            won't.
        !          6373:        2.  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
        !          6374:            make.
        !          6375:        3.  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
        !          6376:        4.  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
        !          6377: %%
        !          6378: PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
        !          6379:        Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
        !          6380:        American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today,
        !          6381:        as nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.
        !          6382:        You will probably get run over by a bus.
        !          6383: %%
        !          6384: PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
        !          6385: solution set.
        !          6386:                -- E. W. Dijkstra
        !          6387: %%
        !          6388: PLUNDERER'S THEME
        !          6389: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
        !          6390: 
        !          6391: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          6392: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
        !          6393: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
        !          6394: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        !          6395: %%
        !          6396: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
        !          6397: %%
        !          6398: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
        !          6399: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        !          6400:                -- D. J. Hicks
        !          6401: %%
        !          6402: Pardo's First Postulate:
        !          6403:        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
        !          6404: 
        !          6405: Arnold's Addendum:
        !          6406:        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        !          6407:        rats.
        !          6408: %%
        !          6409: Parker's Law:
        !          6410:        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
        !          6411: %%
        !          6412: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        !          6413:        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        !          6414:        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
        !          6415: %%
        !          6416: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        !          6417:        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        !          6418:        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
        !          6419: %%
        !          6420: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
        !          6421: %%
        !          6422: Pascal Users:
        !          6423:        To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
        !          6424:        death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
        !          6425:        speed.
        !          6426: %%
        !          6427: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
        !          6428:                -- Steven Feiner
        !          6429: %%
        !          6430: Pascal, n.:
        !          6431:        A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
        !          6432: his grave if he knew about it.
        !          6433: %%
        !          6434: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
        !          6435:                -- Eric Hoffer
        !          6436: %%
        !          6437: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
        !          6438: %%
        !          6439: Paul's Law:
        !          6440:        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
        !          6441:        save.
        !          6442: %%
        !          6443: Paul's Law:
        !          6444:        You can't fall off the floor.
        !          6445: %%
        !          6446: Peace, n.:
        !          6447:        In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
        !          6448: periods of fighting.
        !          6449:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6450: %%
        !          6451: Peanut Blossoms
        !          6452: 
        !          6453: 4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
        !          6454: 4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
        !          6455: 4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
        !          6456: 8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
        !          6457: 4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt
        !          6458: 
        !          6459: Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
        !          6460: sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
        !          6461: Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
        !          6462: hell of a lot.
        !          6463: %%
        !          6464: Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
        !          6465:        Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
        !          6466:        it.
        !          6467: %%
        !          6468: People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
        !          6469: the future.
        !          6470: %%
        !          6471: People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
        !          6472: %%
        !          6473: People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
        !          6474: slept in a room with a single mosquito.
        !          6475: %%
        !          6476: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
        !          6477: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
        !          6478:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          6479: %%
        !          6480: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
        !          6481: Benjamin Franklin said it first.
        !          6482: %%
        !          6483: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
        !          6484: %%
        !          6485: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
        !          6486: "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
        !          6487:                -- Aelius Donatus
        !          6488: %%
        !          6489: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
        !          6490: %%
        !          6491: Peter's Law of Substitution:
        !          6492:        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        !          6493:        themselves.
        !          6494: %%
        !          6495: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
        !          6496: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
        !          6497: %%
        !          6498: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
        !          6499: %%
        !          6500: Pig, n.:
        !          6501:        An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
        !          6502: by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
        !          6503: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
        !          6504:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6505: %%
        !          6506: Please ignore previous fortune.
        !          6507: %%
        !          6508: Please take note:
        !          6509: %%
        !          6510: Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas'
        !          6511: until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once punched
        !          6512: out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
        !          6513: and such.
        !          6514:                -- N. Meyrowitz
        !          6515: %%
        !          6516: Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
        !          6517: %%
        !          6518: Pohl's law:
        !          6519:        Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
        !          6520: %%
        !          6521: Police:        Good evening, are you the host?
        !          6522: Host:  No.
        !          6523: Police:        We've been getting complaints about this party.
        !          6524: Host:  About the drugs?
        !          6525: Police:        No.
        !          6526: Host:  About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
        !          6527: Police:        No, the noise.
        !          6528: Host:  Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
        !          6529:        or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
        !          6530:        background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
        !          6531:        The neighbors?
        !          6532: Police:        No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
        !          6533:        complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
        !          6534:        ask the host to quiet things down?
        !          6535: Host:  No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
        !          6536:        religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
        !          6537:        room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
        !          6538:        lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
        !          6539:        onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
        !          6540:        down.
        !          6541: %%
        !          6542: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
        !          6543: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
        !          6544: %%
        !          6545: Politician, n.:
        !          6546:        From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
        !          6547: "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence
        !          6548: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
        !          6549:                -- Martin Pitt
        !          6550: %%
        !          6551: Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
        !          6552: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
        !          6553: %%
        !          6554: Polymer physicists are into chains.
        !          6555: %%
        !          6556: Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
        !          6557: Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
        !          6558: white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
        !          6559: it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
        !          6560: name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
        !          6561: laughter, singing
        !          6562:        Half a pound of tuppenny rice
        !          6563:        Half a pound of treacle
        !          6564:        That's the way the chimney smokes
        !          6565:        Pope Goestheveezl
        !          6566: The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
        !          6567: laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for
        !          6568: hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
        !          6569: Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
        !          6570:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          6571: %%
        !          6572: Positive, adj.:
        !          6573:        Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
        !          6574:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6575: %%
        !          6576: Power, n:
        !          6577:        The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
        !          6578: %%
        !          6579: Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
        !          6580: more time for dreaming.
        !          6581:                -- J. P. McEvoy
        !          6582: %%
        !          6583: Predestination was doomed from the start.
        !          6584: %%
        !          6585: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
        !          6586: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
        !          6587: %%
        !          6588: President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
        !          6589: vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
        !          6590:                -- The Washington Post
        !          6591: %%
        !          6592: Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
        !          6593: %%
        !          6594: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        !          6595:        It's on the other side.
        !          6596: %%
        !          6597: [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
        !          6598: to see him work.
        !          6599:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          6600: %%
        !          6601: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
        !          6602: %%
        !          6603: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
        !          6604: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
        !          6605: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
        !          6606: Because she's unable to postulate how.
        !          6607:                -- Frederick Winsor
        !          6608: %%
        !          6609: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
        !          6610: Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point
        !          6611: on his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
        !          6612: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
        !          6613: %%
        !          6614: Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
        !          6615: 
        !          6616: This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
        !          6617: techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
        !          6618: 
        !          6619: SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
        !          6620: 
        !          6621:        We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
        !          6622: for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
        !          6623: as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
        !          6624: trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
        !          6625: can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
        !          6626: about _n.
        !          6627:        QED.    (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
        !          6628: %%
        !          6629: Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
        !          6630:        SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
        !          6631: (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
        !          6632: (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
        !          6633: (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
        !          6634:     legs for a horse.
        !          6635: (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 
        !          6636: (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
        !          6637: 
        !          6638: Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
        !          6639:        Intimidation
        !          6640:        Gesticulation (handwaving)
        !          6641:        "Try it; it works"
        !          6642:        Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
        !          6643:        Blatant assertion
        !          6644:        Changing all the 2's to _n's
        !          6645:        Mutual consent
        !          6646:        Lack of a counterexample, and
        !          6647:        "It stands to reason"
        !          6648: %%
        !          6649: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
        !          6650: three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
        !          6651: %%
        !          6652: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
        !          6653:                -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
        !          6654: %%
        !          6655: Putt's Law:
        !          6656:        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
        !          6657:                Those who understand what they do not manage.
        !          6658:                Those who manage what they do not understand.
        !          6659: %%
        !          6660: Q:     Do you know what the death rate around here is?
        !          6661: A:     One per person.
        !          6662: %%
        !          6663: Q:     Why do ducks have flat feet?
        !          6664: A:     To stamp out forest fires.
        !          6665: 
        !          6666: Q:     Why do elephants have flat feet?
        !          6667: A:     To stamp out flaming ducks.
        !          6668: %%
        !          6669: Q:     Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
        !          6670: A:     To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
        !          6671: %%
        !          6672: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
        !          6673: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          6674: %%
        !          6675: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
        !          6676: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
        !          6677: 
        !          6678: Q: How long does it take?
        !          6679: A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
        !          6680:    brought with them.
        !          6681: 
        !          6682: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
        !          6683: A: They replace your generator.
        !          6684: %%
        !          6685: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
        !          6686: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
        !          6687: %%
        !          6688: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
        !          6689: A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
        !          6690: %%
        !          6691: Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
        !          6692: A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        !          6693:    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
        !          6694:    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
        !          6695:    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
        !          6696:    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
        !          6697: %%
        !          6698: Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          6699: A: One and a half.
        !          6700: %%
        !          6701: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        !          6702: A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
        !          6703:    Californians trying to share the experience.
        !          6704: %%
        !          6705: Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          6706: A: Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
        !          6707:    symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
        !          6708:    netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
        !          6709:    cosmos of nothingness.
        !          6710: %%
        !          6711: Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        !          6712: A: Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
        !          6713:    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
        !          6714:    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
        !          6715:    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin
        !          6716:    to break the bulb in the first place.
        !          6717: %   
        !          6718: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
        !          6719:    San Francisco?
        !          6720: A: Both of them.
        !          6721: %%
        !          6722: Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
        !          6723: A: Two.  One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with
        !          6724:    brightly colored machine tools.
        !          6725: %%
        !          6726: Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
        !          6727: A: Because it was on the other side.
        !          6728: %%
        !          6729: QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
        !          6730:        1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
        !          6731: kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one
        !          6732: thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a
        !          6733: painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang]
        !          6734: person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
        !          6735:                -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
        !          6736: %%
        !          6737: Quality Control, n.:
        !          6738:        The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
        !          6739: a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
        !          6740: %%
        !          6741: Question:
        !          6742: Man Invented Alcohol,
        !          6743: God Invented Grass.
        !          6744: Who do you trust?
        !          6745: %%
        !          6746: Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
        !          6747: %%
        !          6748: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
        !          6749: %%
        !          6750: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
        !          6751: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
        !          6752:        door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
        !          6753: %%
        !          6754: RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
        !          6755:         1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
        !          6756:         2. Never leave the table hungry.
        !          6757:         3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
        !          6758:         4. Enjoy your food.
        !          6759:         5. Enjoy your companion's food.
        !          6760:         6. Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
        !          6761:            accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
        !          6762:         7. Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare, for
        !          6763:            example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
        !          6764:            Which feels better against your cheeks?
        !          6765:         8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
        !          6766:         9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
        !          6767:            can always eat it later.
        !          6768:        10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
        !          6769:        11. Avoid blue food.
        !          6770:                -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
        !          6771: %%
        !          6772: Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
        !          6773: %%
        !          6774: Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
        !          6775: I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
        !          6776: computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
        !          6777: store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
        !          6778: all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
        !          6779: the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
        !          6780: they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
        !          6781: rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
        !          6782: Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
        !          6783: impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
        !          6784: goes, giving away the store?
        !          6785:                -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
        !          6786: %%
        !          6787: Ray's Rule of Precision:
        !          6788:        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
        !          6789: %%
        !          6790: Razors pain you;
        !          6791: Rivers are damp;
        !          6792: Acids stain you;
        !          6793: And drugs cause cramp.
        !          6794: Guns aren't lawful;
        !          6795: Nooses give;
        !          6796: Gas smells awful;
        !          6797: You might as well live.
        !          6798:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          6799: %%
        !          6800: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
        !          6801: the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
        !          6802: with pictures.
        !          6803: %%
        !          6804: Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
        !          6805: you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
        !          6806: wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
        !          6807: spring up in the middle of the machine room.
        !          6808: %%
        !          6809: Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
        !          6810: can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
        !          6811: %%
        !          6812: Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
        !          6813: %%
        !          6814: Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
        !          6815: functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
        !          6816: %%
        !          6817: Real Time, adj.:
        !          6818:        Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
        !          6819: and then.
        !          6820: %%
        !          6821: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
        !          6822: %%
        !          6823: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
        !          6824: %%
        !          6825: Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
        !          6826: %%
        !          6827: "Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
        !          6828: %%
        !          6829: Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
        !          6830: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
        !          6831:                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
        !          6832: %%
        !          6833: Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
        !          6834: lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
        !          6835: but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
        !          6836: Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
        !          6837: recessions.
        !          6838: %%
        !          6839: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
        !          6840: Take not a single bit!
        !          6841: It used to point to me,
        !          6842: Now I'm protecting it.
        !          6843: It was the reader's CONS
        !          6844: That made it, paired by dot;
        !          6845: Now, GC, for the nonce,
        !          6846: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
        !          6847: %%
        !          6848: "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe
        !          6849: again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
        !          6850: which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
        !          6851: spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
        !          6852: starfield surrounding the ship.
        !          6853: 
        !          6854: "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
        !          6855: announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they
        !          6856: are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been
        !          6857: intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
        !          6858: transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
        !          6859: Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
        !          6860:                -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
        !          6861: %%
        !          6862: Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
        !          6863:        If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
        !          6864: %%
        !          6865: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
        !          6866: %%
        !          6867: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
        !          6868: %%
        !          6869: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
        !          6870: worse in Cleveland.
        !          6871:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          6872: %%
        !          6873: Reporter, n.:
        !          6874:        A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
        !          6875: tempest of words.
        !          6876:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          6877: %%
        !          6878: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        !          6879:        Western Civilization?
        !          6880: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
        !          6881: %%
        !          6882: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
        !          6883:                -- Wernher von Braun
        !          6884: %%
        !          6885: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
        !          6886: another chance later on.
        !          6887: %%
        !          6888: Review Questions
        !          6889: 
        !          6890: 1:     If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20
        !          6891:        KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it
        !          6892:        be before he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be
        !          6893:        before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his
        !          6894:        spaceship?
        !          6895: 
        !          6896: 2:     If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he
        !          6897:        breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be
        !          6898:        before he breaks every bone in his body?  How long will it be
        !          6899:        before they cut off his insurance?  Where does he get a new car
        !          6900:        every week?
        !          6901: 
        !          6902: 3:     If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four
        !          6903:        beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the
        !          6904:        cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger
        !          6905:        than King Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
        !          6906: %%
        !          6907: Rhode's Law:
        !          6908:        When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
        !          6909:        circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
        !          6910:        empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied,
        !          6911:        inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically
        !          6912:        guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
        !          6913:        expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal
        !          6914:        comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above,
        !          6915:        be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
        !          6916:        adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally,
        !          6917:        immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes
        !          6918:        advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
        !          6919: %%
        !          6920: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        !          6921:        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        !          6922:        reject the proposal.
        !          6923: %%
        !          6924: Rudin's Law:
        !          6925:        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        !          6926:        do it every time.
        !          6927: %%
        !          6928: Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
        !          6929:        Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
        !          6930:        be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind
        !          6931:        person shall be deemed to be a cat.
        !          6932: %%
        !          6933: Rule of Creative Research:
        !          6934:        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        !          6935:        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        !          6936:        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
        !          6937: %%
        !          6938: Rule of Defactualization:
        !          6939:        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
        !          6940: %%
        !          6941: Rule of Feline Frustration:
        !          6942:        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        !          6943:        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        !          6944:        bathroom.
        !          6945: %%
        !          6946: Rule of the Great:
        !          6947:        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        !          6948:        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
        !          6949: %%
        !          6950: Rules for driving in New York:
        !          6951:        1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
        !          6952:        2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
        !          6953:           on.
        !          6954:        3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
        !          6955:           intersection.
        !          6956: %%
        !          6957: SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
        !          6958:                -- Ken Thompson
        !          6959: %%
        !          6960: SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
        !          6961: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
        !          6962: %%
        !          6963: SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
        !          6964: %%
        !          6965: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
        !          6966:        Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
        !          6967: 
        !          6968:        1. Little things start bothering you: little things like
        !          6969:           worms, bugs, ants.
        !          6970:        2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
        !          6971:        3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
        !          6972:        4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
        !          6973:        5. Exotic birds flock around you.
        !          6974:        6. People ignore you at parties.
        !          6975:        7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
        !          6976:        8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
        !          6977: %%
        !          6978: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
        !          6979:                -- Herb Caen
        !          6980: %%
        !          6981: San Francisco, n.:
        !          6982:        Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
        !          6983: %%
        !          6984: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        !          6985:        He must be a communist.
        !          6986: And a beard and long hair,
        !          6987:        Must be a pacifist.
        !          6988: 
        !          6989:        What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
        !          6990:                -- Arlo Guthrie
        !          6991: %%
        !          6992: Satellite Safety Tip #14:
        !          6993:        If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
        !          6994: %%
        !          6995: Sattinger's Law:
        !          6996:        It works better if you plug it in.
        !          6997: %%
        !          6998: Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
        !          6999:        Is like being nowhere at all,
        !          7000: All through the day how the hours rush by,
        !          7001:        You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
        !          7002:                -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
        !          7003: %%
        !          7004: Save energy: be apathetic.
        !          7005: %%
        !          7006: Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
        !          7007: %%
        !          7008: Schapiro's Explanation:
        !          7009:        The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
        !          7010:        because they use more manure.
        !          7011: %%
        !          7012: Schizophrenia beats being alone.
        !          7013: %%
        !          7014: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
        !          7015: %%
        !          7016: Scott's first Law:
        !          7017:        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
        !          7018: %%
        !          7019: Scott's second Law:
        !          7020:        When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
        !          7021:        to have been wrong in the first place.
        !          7022: Corollary:
        !          7023:        After the correction has been found in error, it will be
        !          7024:        impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
        !          7025:        equation.
        !          7026: %%
        !          7027: Scotty:        Captain, we din' can reference it!
        !          7028: Kirk:  Analysis, Mr. Spock?
        !          7029: Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
        !          7030: Kirk:  Then it's of external origin?
        !          7031: Spock: Affirmative.
        !          7032: Kirk:  Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
        !          7033: Sulu:  Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
        !          7034: %%
        !          7035: Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
        !          7036: %%
        !          7037: Second Law of Business Meetings:
        !          7038:        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        !          7039:        will pick the wrong one.
        !          7040: 
        !          7041: Corollary:
        !          7042:        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        !          7043:        wrong, anyway.
        !          7044: %%
        !          7045: Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
        !          7046: %%
        !          7047: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
        !          7048: She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
        !          7049: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
        !          7050: Silently scheming,
        !          7051: Sightlessly seeking
        !          7052: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
        !          7053:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          7054: %%
        !          7055: Self Test for Paranoia:
        !          7056:        You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
        !          7057:        your own fault.
        !          7058: %%
        !          7059: Seminars, n.:
        !          7060:        From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
        !          7061: %%
        !          7062: Serocki's Stricture:
        !          7063:        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
        !          7064: %%
        !          7065: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
        !          7066: %%
        !          7067: Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
        !          7068:                -- Swami X
        !          7069: %%
        !          7070: Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
        !          7071:                -- M. C. Reed.
        !          7072: %%
        !          7073: Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
        !          7074: it's one of the best.
        !          7075:                -- Woody Allen
        !          7076: %%
        !          7077: Shamus, n.:
        !          7078:        A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
        !          7079: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
        !          7080:        A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
        !          7081: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
        !          7082:        A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
        !          7083: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
        !          7084: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
        !          7085:        The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
        !          7086: am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
        !          7087: he's nobody!"
        !          7088:                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
        !          7089: %%
        !          7090: Shaw's Principle:
        !          7091:        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        !          7092:        want to use it.
        !          7093: %%
        !          7094: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
        !          7095:                -- Gypsy Rose Lee
        !          7096: %%
        !          7097: She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
        !          7098:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7099: %%
        !          7100: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
        !          7101: have poured on a waffle ...
        !          7102: %%
        !          7103: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
        !          7104: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
        !          7105: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
        !          7106:                -- Samuel Johnson
        !          7107: %%
        !          7108: She's genuinely bogus.
        !          7109: %%
        !          7110: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
        !          7111: playing golf with his boss.
        !          7112: %%
        !          7113: Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
        !          7114: %%
        !          7115: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
        !          7116:                -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
        !          7117: %%
        !          7118: Silverman's Law:
        !          7119:        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
        !          7120: %%
        !          7121: Simon's Law:
        !          7122:        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
        !          7123: %%
        !          7124: Since I hurt my pendulum
        !          7125: My life is all erratic.
        !          7126: My parrot, who was cordial,
        !          7127: Is now transmitting static.
        !          7128: The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
        !          7129: The cat keeps doing poo.
        !          7130: The only thing that keeps me sane
        !          7131: Is talking to my shoe.
        !          7132:                -- My Shoe
        !          7133: %%
        !          7134: Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
        !          7135:                -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
        !          7136: %%
        !          7137: [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
        !          7138: vices I admire.
        !          7139:                -- Winston Churchill
        !          7140: %%
        !          7141: Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
        !          7142: Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
        !          7143: excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
        !          7144: This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
        !          7145: examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
        !          7146: Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
        !          7147: printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
        !          7148: comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
        !          7149: no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
        !          7150: %%
        !          7151: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        !          7152:        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        !          7153:        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
        !          7154:        should have gotten.
        !          7155: %%
        !          7156: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
        !          7157: to work.
        !          7158: %%
        !          7159: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        !          7160:        1.  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
        !          7161:            check.
        !          7162:        2.  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        !          7163:        3.  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
        !          7164:            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
        !          7165:            attracted to dark objects.
        !          7166: %%
        !          7167: Slurm, n.:
        !          7168:        The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
        !          7169: it sits in the dish too long.
        !          7170:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          7171: %%
        !          7172: Snacktrek, n.:
        !          7173:        The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
        !          7174: returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
        !          7175: materialized.
        !          7176:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          7177: %%
        !          7178: So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
        !          7179: praise of intelligence.
        !          7180:                -- Bertrand Russell
        !          7181: %%
        !          7182: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
        !          7183: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
        !          7184: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
        !          7185: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
        !          7186: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
        !          7187: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
        !          7188: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
        !          7189:                -- Samuel Foote
        !          7190: %%
        !          7191: Sodd's Second Law:
        !          7192:        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        !          7193:        bound to occur.
        !          7194: %%
        !          7195: Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
        !          7196: celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
        !          7197: stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
        !          7198: "The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind
        !          7199: of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The
        !          7200: government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
        !          7201: Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
        !          7202: billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
        !          7203: it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
        !          7204: thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
        !          7205: the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money
        !          7206: and go to a mall.
        !          7207:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          7208: %%
        !          7209: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
        !          7210: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
        !          7211:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !          7212: %%
        !          7213: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
        !          7214: them on the head.
        !          7215: %%
        !          7216: Some points to remember [about animals]:
        !          7217: 
        !          7218: 1.     Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
        !          7219:        rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
        !          7220: 2.     Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
        !          7221:        front of your clothes;
        !          7222: 3.     Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
        !          7223:        dogs you have just kicked.
        !          7224:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          7225: %%
        !          7226: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
        !          7227: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
        !          7228: %%
        !          7229: Someone will try to honk your nose today.
        !          7230: %%
        !          7231: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
        !          7232: the only ashtray."
        !          7233: %%
        !          7234: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
        !          7235:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          7236: %%
        !          7237: "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
        !          7238: Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
        !          7239: intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
        !          7240: and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
        !          7241: best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
        !          7242: we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
        !          7243: 
        !          7244: "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
        !          7245:                -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
        !          7246: %%
        !          7247: Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.  (Those who have already
        !          7248: paid may disregard this fortune).
        !          7249: %%
        !          7250: Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
        !          7251: bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
        !          7252: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
        !          7253:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          7254: %%
        !          7255: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        !          7256:        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        !          7257:        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        !          7258:        question back at him.
        !          7259: %%
        !          7260: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
        !          7261:        And boot it when it crashes;
        !          7262: It knows that one cannot relax
        !          7263:        Because the paging thrashes!
        !          7264: 
        !          7265:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          7266: 
        !          7267: I speak severely to my VAX,
        !          7268:        And boot it when it crashes;
        !          7269: In spite of all my favorite hacks
        !          7270:        My jobs it always thrashes!
        !          7271: 
        !          7272:                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
        !          7273: %%
        !          7274: Speak roughly to your little boy,
        !          7275:        And beat him when he sneezes:
        !          7276: He only does it to annoy
        !          7277:        Because he knows it teases.
        !          7278: 
        !          7279:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !          7280: 
        !          7281: I speak severely to my boy,
        !          7282:        And beat him when he sneezes:
        !          7283: For he can thoroughly enjoy
        !          7284:        The pepper when he pleases!
        !          7285: 
        !          7286:        Wow!  wow!  wow!
        !          7287:                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
        !          7288: %%
        !          7289: Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
        !          7290: %%
        !          7291: Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
        !          7292: sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
        !          7293: cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free
        !          7294: the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a
        !          7295: bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a
        !          7296: controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
        !          7297: passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same
        !          7298: memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,
        !          7299: no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously
        !          7300: designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
        !          7301: %%
        !          7302: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
        !          7303: these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
        !          7304: to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
        !          7305: communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
        !          7306: on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
        !          7307: life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
        !          7308: communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
        !          7309: he can do is to Shut Up!
        !          7310:                -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
        !          7311: %%
        !          7312: Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
        !          7313: %%
        !          7314: Spirtle, n.:
        !          7315:        The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
        !          7316: your eye.
        !          7317:                -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
        !          7318: %%
        !          7319: Spouse, n.:
        !          7320:        Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
        !          7321: wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
        !          7322: %%
        !          7323: Stay away from flying saucers today.
        !          7324: %%
        !          7325: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
        !          7326: %%
        !          7327: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
        !          7328: %%
        !          7329: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        !          7330:        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        !          7331:        another drink.
        !          7332: %%
        !          7333: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        !          7334:        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        !          7335:        handle.
        !          7336: %%
        !          7337: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
        !          7338: %%
        !          7339: Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
        !          7340: take a bath ...
        !          7341: %%
        !          7342: Stult's Report:
        !          7343:        Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
        !          7344:        fight the solutions.
        !          7345: %%
        !          7346: Stupid, n.:
        !          7347:        Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
        !          7348: %%
        !          7349: Sturgeon's Law:
        !          7350:        90% of everything is crud.
        !          7351: %%
        !          7352: Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
        !          7353: editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
        !          7354:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7355: %%
        !          7356: Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
        !          7357: %%
        !          7358: (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
        !          7359: 
        !          7360:        To code the impossible code,
        !          7361:        To bring up a virgin machine,
        !          7362:        To pop out of endless recursion,
        !          7363:        To grok what appears on the screen,
        !          7364: 
        !          7365:        To right the unrightable bug,
        !          7366:        To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
        !          7367:        To mount the unmountable magtape,
        !          7368:        To stop the unstoppable crash!
        !          7369: %%
        !          7370: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
        !          7371: %%
        !          7372: Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
        !          7373: in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
        !          7374: the room is punishable under law:
        !          7375: 
        !          7376: Name   #
        !          7377: %%
        !          7378: Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
        !          7379: %%
        !          7380: Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
        !          7381: %%
        !          7382: Sweater, n.:
        !          7383:        A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
        !          7384: %%
        !          7385: Swipple's Rule of Order:
        !          7386:        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
        !          7387: %%
        !          7388: System/3!  System/3!
        !          7389: See how it runs!  See how it runs!
        !          7390:        Its monitor loses so totally!
        !          7391:        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        !          7392:        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
        !          7393: System/3!
        !          7394: %%
        !          7395: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        !          7396:        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
        !          7397: %%
        !          7398: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
        !          7399: 
        !          7400: SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
        !          7401: Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
        !          7402: Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
        !          7403: with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
        !          7404: END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
        !          7405: a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
        !          7406: they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
        !          7407: the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
        !          7408: %%
        !          7409: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
        !          7410: 
        !          7411: This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
        !          7412: an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
        !          7413: to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
        !          7414: %%
        !          7415: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
        !          7416: 
        !          7417: SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
        !          7418: Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
        !          7419: compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
        !          7420: coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
        !          7421: sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
        !          7422: compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
        !          7423: infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
        !          7424: %%
        !          7425: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
        !          7426: 
        !          7427:        Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
        !          7428: extremely unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
        !          7429: they just are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
        !          7430: functions.  SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
        !          7431: no fun at parties.
        !          7432: %%
        !          7433: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
        !          7434: 
        !          7435: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
        !          7436: unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
        !          7437: are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
        !          7438: SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
        !          7439: parties.
        !          7440: %%
        !          7441: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
        !          7442: 
        !          7443: This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
        !          7444: submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
        !          7445: best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
        !          7446: language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
        !          7447: statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
        !          7448: similar to COBOL.
        !          7449: %%
        !          7450: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
        !          7451: 
        !          7452: FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
        !          7453: refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
        !          7454: JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
        !          7455: BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
        !          7456: CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
        !          7457: 
        !          7458: The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
        !          7459: financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
        !          7460: VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
        !          7461: and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
        !          7462: who end up using this language.
        !          7463: %%
        !          7464: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
        !          7465: 
        !          7466: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
        !          7467: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
        !          7468: without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
        !          7469: contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
        !          7470: can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
        !          7471: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
        !          7472: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
        !          7473: and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
        !          7474: "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
        !          7475: you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
        !          7476: Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
        !          7477: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
        !          7478: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
        !          7479: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
        !          7480: %%
        !          7481: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
        !          7482:                -- Frank Lloyd Wright
        !          7483: %%
        !          7484: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
        !          7485: hole in his head.
        !          7486: %%
        !          7487: Tact, n.:
        !          7488:        The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
        !          7489: %%
        !          7490: Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
        !          7491: %%
        !          7492: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
        !          7493: enough cheese
        !          7494:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          7495: %%
        !          7496: Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
        !          7497: %%
        !          7498: Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
        !          7499: needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
        !          7500:                -- Kipling
        !          7501: %%
        !          7502: Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
        !          7503: your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
        !          7504: and they'll call you crazy.
        !          7505:                -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
        !          7506: %%
        !          7507: Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
        !          7508: your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms,
        !          7509: and they'll call you crazy.
        !          7510:                -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
        !          7511: %%
        !          7512: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
        !          7513:                -- Euripides
        !          7514: %%
        !          7515: Talkers are no good doers.
        !          7516:                -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
        !          7517: %%
        !          7518: Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
        !          7519:                -- Friedrich Nietzsche
        !          7520: %%
        !          7521: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
        !          7522: the tree."
        !          7523:                -- Russell Long
        !          7524: %%
        !          7525: Taxes, n.:
        !          7526:        Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
        !          7527: an extension.
        !          7528: %%
        !          7529: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
        !          7530: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
        !          7531: %%
        !          7532: Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
        !          7533: %%
        !          7534: Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
        !          7535: for going backwards.
        !          7536:                -- Aldous Huxley
        !          7537: %%
        !          7538: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
        !          7539: writing.
        !          7540:                -- R. Geis
        !          7541: %%
        !          7542: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
        !          7543: You eat your victuals fast enough;
        !          7544: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
        !          7545: To see the rate you drink your beer.
        !          7546: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
        !          7547: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
        !          7548: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
        !          7549: It sleeps well the horned head:
        !          7550: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
        !          7551: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
        !          7552: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
        !          7553: Your friends to death before their time.
        !          7554: Moping, melancholy mad:
        !          7555: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
        !          7556:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          7557: %%
        !          7558: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
        !          7559: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
        !          7560: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
        !          7561: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
        !          7562: because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
        !          7563: fact, for he merely said:
        !          7564: 
        !          7565:        "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
        !          7566:        it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain
        !          7567:        because it is impossible."
        !          7568: 
        !          7569: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
        !          7570: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
        !          7571:                -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
        !          7572: 
        !          7573: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
        !          7574: %%
        !          7575: Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
        !          7576: %%
        !          7577: "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
        !          7578: one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
        !          7579:                -- J. Finnegan, USC.
        !          7580: %%
        !          7581: "That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
        !          7582: %%
        !          7583: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
        !          7584: %%
        !          7585: That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
        !          7586:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          7587: %%
        !          7588: The Abrams' Principle:
        !          7589:        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
        !          7590: %%
        !          7591: The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
        !          7592: Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
        !          7593: and color, but also on ability.
        !          7594:                -- T. Lehrer
        !          7595: %%
        !          7596: The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
        !          7597:                -- Bill Murray
        !          7598: %%
        !          7599: The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
        !          7600:        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        !          7601:        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        !          7602:        one, and convert to the next higher units.
        !          7603: %%
        !          7604: "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
        !          7605: flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
        !          7606: %%
        !          7607: The Crown is full of it!
        !          7608:                -- Nate Harris, 1775
        !          7609: %%
        !          7610: The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
        !          7611: their children to speak it.
        !          7612:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          7613: %%
        !          7614: The Fifth Rule:
        !          7615:        You have taken yourself too seriously.
        !          7616: %%
        !          7617: The First Rule of Program Optimization:
        !          7618:        Don't do it.
        !          7619: 
        !          7620: The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
        !          7621:        Don't do it yet.
        !          7622:                -- Michael Jackson
        !          7623: %%
        !          7624: The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
        !          7625: people who want some.
        !          7626:                -- Dwight MacDonald
        !          7627: %%
        !          7628: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
        !          7629:        The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
        !          7630: courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
        !          7631: clerks.  Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
        !          7632: of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
        !          7633: Hedgehog Eater.
        !          7634:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          7635: %%
        !          7636: The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
        !          7637:        You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
        !          7638: %%
        !          7639: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
        !          7640: by the number of people in the group.
        !          7641: %%
        !          7642: The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
        !          7643: information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
        !          7644: dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
        !          7645: real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
        !          7646: 
        !          7647: So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
        !          7648: pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
        !          7649: consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
        !          7650:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          7651: %%
        !          7652: The Kennedy Constant:
        !          7653:        Don't get mad -- get even.
        !          7654: %%
        !          7655: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
        !          7656: %%
        !          7657: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
        !          7658: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
        !          7659: bread.
        !          7660:                -- Anatole France
        !          7661: %%
        !          7662: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
        !          7663: we could with both of them."
        !          7664:                -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
        !          7665: %%
        !          7666: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        !          7667:        Support your right to bare arms!
        !          7668: %%
        !          7669: The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
        !          7670: in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
        !          7671: 
        !          7672:        But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
        !          7673:        whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
        !          7674:                -- Matthew 5:37
        !          7675: %%
        !          7676: The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
        !          7677: 
        !          7678:        Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
        !          7679:        Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
        !          7680:        Corporate Planning."
        !          7681: %%
        !          7682: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
        !          7683: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
        !          7684: Let others think his heart is big,
        !          7685: I think it stupid of the Pig.
        !          7686:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          7687: %%
        !          7688: The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
        !          7689:        Were each of them once a kiddie.
        !          7690: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        !          7691:        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
        !          7692:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          7693: %%
        !          7694: The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
        !          7695: outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
        !          7696: mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
        !          7697: tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
        !          7698: the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
        !          7699:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          7700: %%
        !          7701: The Roman Rule
        !          7702:        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        !          7703:        one who is doing it.
        !          7704: %%
        !          7705: The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
        !          7706: his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
        !          7707: one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
        !          7708: take it too seriously.
        !          7709:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          7710: %%
        !          7711: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
        !          7712: showed that all had these things in common:
        !          7713: 
        !          7714:        1.  They all had moderate appetites.
        !          7715:        2.  They all came from middle class homes
        !          7716:        3.  All but two of them were dead.
        !          7717: %%
        !          7718: The Third Law of Photography:
        !          7719:        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        !          7720:        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        !          7721:        the dark leaks out.
        !          7722: %%
        !          7723: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
        !          7724: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
        !          7725: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
        !          7726: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
        !          7727: world put together.
        !          7728:                -- Sir Peter Medawar
        !          7729: %%
        !          7730: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
        !          7731: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
        !          7732: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
        !          7733: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
        !          7734: world put together.
        !          7735:                -- Sir Peter Medawar
        !          7736: %%
        !          7737: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
        !          7738: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
        !          7739: to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
        !          7740: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
        !          7741: %%
        !          7742: The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
        !          7743:                -- Thomas Jefferson
        !          7744: %%
        !          7745: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
        !          7746: average man can see better than he can think.
        !          7747: %%
        !          7748: The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
        !          7749: cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
        !          7750: difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
        !          7751: which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
        !          7752: here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
        !          7753: RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you
        !          7754: want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking
        !          7755: lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
        !          7756: squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
        !          7757: and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
        !          7758: his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
        !          7759: neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
        !          7760: lots.
        !          7761:                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        !          7762: %%
        !          7763: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
        !          7764: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
        !          7765: %%
        !          7766: The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
        !          7767:                -- W. C. Fields
        !          7768: %%
        !          7769: The best defense against logic is ignorance.
        !          7770: %%
        !          7771: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
        !          7772: %%
        !          7773: The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
        !          7774: time.
        !          7775:                -- Merrick Furst
        !          7776: %%
        !          7777: The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
        !          7778: Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
        !          7779: 
        !          7780: It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
        !          7781: known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
        !          7782: in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
        !          7783: under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
        !          7784: people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
        !          7785: city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
        !          7786: umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
        !          7787: activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
        !          7788: %%
        !          7789: "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
        !          7790: %%
        !          7791: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
        !          7792: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
        !          7793: %%
        !          7794: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
        !          7795: at the steam fitters' picnic.
        !          7796: %%
        !          7797: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
        !          7798: %%
        !          7799: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
        !          7800: elsewhere."
        !          7801: %%
        !          7802: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
        !          7803:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          7804: %%
        !          7805: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
        !          7806: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
        !          7807: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
        !          7808: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
        !          7809: talked about.
        !          7810:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          7811: %%
        !          7812: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
        !          7813: %%
        !          7814: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
        !          7815: down.
        !          7816: %%
        !          7817: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
        !          7818: eat.
        !          7819:                -- John McNulty
        !          7820: %%
        !          7821: The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
        !          7822: us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
        !          7823: Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
        !          7824: %%
        !          7825: The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
        !          7826: %%
        !          7827: The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
        !          7828: %%
        !          7829: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
        !          7830: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
        !          7831: out again, it would be a calamity."
        !          7832:                -- Benjamin Disraeli
        !          7833: %%
        !          7834: The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
        !          7835: requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
        !          7836: scholarship.
        !          7837:                -- Robert Heinlein
        !          7838: %%
        !          7839: The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show
        !          7840: off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
        !          7841: next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
        !          7842: duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
        !          7843: duck and returned it to his master.
        !          7844:        "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
        !          7845:        "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
        !          7846: swim."
        !          7847: %%
        !          7848: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
        !          7849: %%
        !          7850: The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
        !          7851: symposium to follow.
        !          7852: %%
        !          7853: The fact that it works is immaterial.
        !          7854:                -- L. Ogborn
        !          7855: %%
        !          7856: The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
        !          7857: Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
        !          7858: tragic death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
        !          7859: forks.  Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
        !          7860: fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
        !          7861: threatening notes left on his breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked
        !          7862: suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
        !          7863: foul play.  Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
        !          7864: one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some were found strangled with
        !          7865: dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A few were found
        !          7866: drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
        !          7867: and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
        !          7868: thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
        !          7869: of grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left
        !          7870: in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
        !          7871: crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave
        !          7872: Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
        !          7873: a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
        !          7874: throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
        !          7875:                -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
        !          7876: %%
        !          7877: The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
        !          7878:                -- Abbie Hoffman
        !          7879: %%
        !          7880: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
        !          7881: child, was propounded to me by my father:
        !          7882:        "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
        !          7883: whistles?"
        !          7884:        I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
        !          7885: gave up.
        !          7886:        "A herring," said my father.
        !          7887:        "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
        !          7888:        "So hang it there."
        !          7889:        "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
        !          7890:        "Paint it."
        !          7891:        "But a herring isn't wet."
        !          7892:        "If its just painted its still wet."
        !          7893:        "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
        !          7894: doesn't whistle!!"
        !          7895:        "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it
        !          7896: hard."
        !          7897:                -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
        !          7898: %%
        !          7899: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
        !          7900: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
        !          7901: %%
        !          7902: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
        !          7903: chance.
        !          7904: %%
        !          7905: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
        !          7906: center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
        !          7907: Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
        !          7908: End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
        !          7909: %%
        !          7910: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
        !          7911: least until we've finished building it.
        !          7912: %%
        !          7913: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
        !          7914: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
        !          7915: %%
        !          7916: The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
        !          7917: love and he invented marriage.
        !          7918: %%
        !          7919: The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
        !          7920:                -- Albert Einstein
        !          7921: %%
        !          7922: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
        !          7923: a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
        !          7924: the contrary, nohow.
        !          7925: %%
        !          7926: The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
        !          7927: thinkers.
        !          7928: %%
        !          7929: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
        !          7930: lists of "Ten Best".
        !          7931:                -- H. Allen Smith
        !          7932: %%
        !          7933: The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
        !          7934: -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
        !          7935: %%
        !          7936: The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
        !          7937: protein -- it rejects it.
        !          7938:                -- P. Medawar
        !          7939: %%
        !          7940: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
        !          7941:                -- Mark Twain
        !          7942: %%
        !          7943: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
        !          7944: longer."
        !          7945:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          7946: %%
        !          7947: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
        !          7948: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
        !          7949: important thing to people.
        !          7950:                -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
        !          7951: %%
        !          7952: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
        !          7953: Would shudder at a wicked word.
        !          7954: Their candle gives a single light;
        !          7955: They'd rather stay at home at night.
        !          7956: They do not keep awake till three,
        !          7957: Nor read erotic poetry.
        !          7958: They never sanction the impure,
        !          7959: Nor recognize an overture.
        !          7960: They shrink from powders and from paints ...
        !          7961: So far, I've had no complaints.
        !          7962:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          7963: %%
        !          7964: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
        !          7965: train.
        !          7966: %%
        !          7967: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
        !          7968: much sleep.
        !          7969:                -- Woody Allen
        !          7970: %%
        !          7971: The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
        !          7972:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          7973: %%
        !          7974: The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
        !          7975: crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
        !          7976: one has ever been.
        !          7977:                -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
        !          7978: %%
        !          7979: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
        !          7980: soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
        !          7981: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
        !          7982: %%
        !          7983: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
        !          7984: %%
        !          7985: The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
        !          7986: %%
        !          7987: The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
        !          7988: robbers there will be.
        !          7989:                -- Lao Tsu
        !          7990: %%
        !          7991: The more things change, the more they stay insane.
        !          7992: %%
        !          7993: The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
        !          7994: is right.
        !          7995: %%
        !          7996: The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
        !          7997:                -- Andy Warhol
        !          7998: %%
        !          7999: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
        !          8000: discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
        !          8001:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          8002: %%
        !          8003: The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
        !          8004: %%
        !          8005: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
        !          8006: hope I don't get run over again.
        !          8007: %%
        !          8008: The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
        !          8009: choose from.
        !          8010:                -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
        !          8011: %%
        !          8012: The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
        !          8013: 80-column card.
        !          8014:                -- Dennis M. Ritchie
        !          8015: %%
        !          8016: The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
        !          8017: analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
        !          8018: occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
        !          8019: these problems when called upon.
        !          8020: 
        !          8021: However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
        !          8022: remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
        !          8023: %%
        !          8024: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
        !          8025: %%
        !          8026: The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
        !          8027: to cringe.
        !          8028: %%
        !          8029: The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
        !          8030: `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
        !          8031:                -- Ernest Rutherford
        !          8032: %%
        !          8033: The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
        !          8034: and take a rest.
        !          8035: %%
        !          8036: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
        !          8037: use to oneself.
        !          8038:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8039: %%
        !          8040: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
        !          8041:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8042: %%
        !          8043: The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
        !          8044: until 5 or 6 pm.
        !          8045: %%
        !          8046: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
        !          8047:                -- Bohr
        !          8048: %%
        !          8049: The optimum committee has no members.
        !          8050:                -- Norman Augustine
        !          8051: %%
        !          8052: The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
        !          8053: on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
        !          8054: acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
        !          8055: French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
        !          8056: the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
        !          8057: picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
        !          8058: ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
        !          8059: with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
        !          8060: dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
        !          8061: several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
        !          8062: evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
        !          8063: drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
        !          8064: be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
        !          8065: %%
        !          8066: The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
        !          8067: it isn't here.
        !          8068:                -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
        !          8069: %%
        !          8070: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
        !          8071: swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
        !          8072: batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
        !          8073: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
        !          8074: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
        !          8075:                -- Dizzy Dean
        !          8076: %%
        !          8077: The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
        !          8078: constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
        !          8079: appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
        !          8080: statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
        !          8081: also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
        !          8082:                -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
        !          8083: %%
        !          8084: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
        !          8085: stupidity of your action.
        !          8086: %%
        !          8087: The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
        !          8088: Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
        !          8089: using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
        !          8090: Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
        !          8091: etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
        !          8092: bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None
        !          8093: of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
        !          8094: developed cancer.
        !          8095:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          8096: %%
        !          8097: The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
        !          8098: to erase it.
        !          8099:                -- Glaser and Way
        !          8100: %%
        !          8101: The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
        !          8102: pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
        !          8103:                -- Elizabeth Taylor
        !          8104: %%
        !          8105: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
        !          8106: %%
        !          8107: "The pyramid is opening!"
        !          8108: "Which one?"
        !          8109: "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
        !          8110:                -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
        !          8111:                   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
        !          8112: %%
        !          8113: The rain it raineth on the just
        !          8114:        And also on the unjust fella,
        !          8115: But chiefly on the just, because
        !          8116:        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
        !          8117: %%
        !          8118: The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
        !          8119: %%
        !          8120: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
        !          8121: persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
        !          8122: progress depends on the unreasonable man.
        !          8123:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          8124: %%
        !          8125: The revolution will not be televised.
        !          8126: %%
        !          8127: The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
        !          8128:                -- Emerson
        !          8129: %%
        !          8130: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
        !          8131: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
        !          8132: %%
        !          8133: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
        !          8134:                -- Noelie Altito
        !          8135: %%
        !          8136: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
        !          8137: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
        !          8138: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
        !          8139: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
        !          8140: %%
        !          8141: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
        !          8142: %%
        !          8143: The steady state of disks is full.
        !          8144:                --Ken Thompson
        !          8145: %%
        !          8146: The sun was shining on the sea,
        !          8147: Shining with all his might:
        !          8148: He did his very best to make
        !          8149: The billows smooth and bright --
        !          8150: And this was very odd, because it was
        !          8151: The middle of the night.
        !          8152:                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
        !          8153: %%
        !          8154: The superfluous is very necessary.
        !          8155:                -- Voltaire
        !          8156: %%
        !          8157: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
        !          8158: authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
        !          8159: the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
        !          8160: the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
        !          8161: radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
        !          8162: as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
        !          8163: receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
        !          8164: Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
        !          8165: heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
        !          8166: the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
        !          8167: heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
        !          8168: radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
        !          8169: earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
        !          8170: cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
        !          8171: fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
        !          8172: burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
        !          8173: that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
        !          8174: have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
        !          8175:                -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
        !          8176: %%
        !          8177: The three laws of thermodynamics:
        !          8178: 
        !          8179: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
        !          8180: The Second Law:        The most you can accomplish by working is to break
        !          8181:                even.
        !          8182: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
        !          8183: %%
        !          8184: The trouble with a kitten is that
        !          8185: When it grows up, it's always a cat
        !          8186:                -- Ogden Nash.
        !          8187: %%
        !          8188: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
        !          8189: %%
        !          8190: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
        !          8191: more important to do.
        !          8192: %%
        !          8193: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
        !          8194: appreciates how difficult it was.
        !          8195: %%
        !          8196: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
        !          8197: vice versa.
        !          8198: %%
        !          8199: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
        !          8200: Which practically conceal its sex.
        !          8201: I think it clever of the turtle
        !          8202: In such a fix to be so fertile.
        !          8203:                -- Ogden Nash
        !          8204: %%
        !          8205: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
        !          8206: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
        !          8207:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8208: %%
        !          8209: The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
        !          8210: regarded as a criminal offense.
        !          8211:                -- E. W. Dijkstra
        !          8212: %%
        !          8213: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
        !          8214: %%
        !          8215: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
        !          8216: that would be clearly understood."
        !          8217:                -- Alexander Haig
        !          8218: %%
        !          8219: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
        !          8220: with a large fortune."
        !          8221: %%
        !          8222: The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
        !          8223: %%
        !          8224: The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
        !          8225: %%
        !          8226: The world's as ugly as sin,
        !          8227: And almost as delightful
        !          8228:                -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
        !          8229: %%
        !          8230: The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
        !          8231: four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
        !          8232: the answers.
        !          8233: %%
        !          8234: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
        !          8235: 
        !          8236: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
        !          8237: then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
        !          8238: market.
        !          8239: 
        !          8240: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
        !          8241: not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
        !          8242: 
        !          8243: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
        !          8244: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
        !          8245: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
        !          8246:                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
        !          8247: %%
        !          8248: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
        !          8249: and praiseworthy ...
        !          8250:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8251: %%
        !          8252: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
        !          8253: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
        !          8254:                -- Gloria Steinem
        !          8255: %%
        !          8256: There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
        !          8257: plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
        !          8258: and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
        !          8259: don't we all?
        !          8260: %%
        !          8261: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
        !          8262:                -- Disraeli
        !          8263: %%
        !          8264: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
        !          8265: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
        !          8266: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
        !          8267: %%
        !          8268: There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
        !          8269: offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin
        !          8270: a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
        !          8271: of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of
        !          8272: affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
        !          8273: When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
        !          8274: Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
        !          8275:                -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
        !          8276: %%
        !          8277: There are three ways to get something done:
        !          8278:        1. Do it yourself.
        !          8279:        2. Hire someone to do it for you.
        !          8280:        3. Forbid your kids to do it.
        !          8281: %%
        !          8282: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
        !          8283: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
        !          8284: %%
        !          8285: There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
        !          8286: the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
        !          8287: sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
        !          8288:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          8289: %%
        !          8290: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
        !          8291: other is to read Pope."
        !          8292:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8293: %%
        !          8294: There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
        !          8295: works.
        !          8296: %%
        !          8297: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
        !          8298: suitable application of high explosives.
        !          8299: %%
        !          8300: There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
        !          8301:                -- Henry Kissinger
        !          8302: %%
        !          8303: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
        !          8304: nothing about.
        !          8305: %%
        !          8306: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
        !          8307: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
        !          8308: %%
        !          8309: There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
        !          8310: %%
        !          8311: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
        !          8312: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
        !          8313: inexplicable."
        !          8314: 
        !          8315: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
        !          8316:                -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          8317: %%
        !          8318: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
        !          8319: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
        !          8320: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
        !          8321: inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
        !          8322: already happened.
        !          8323:                -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          8324: %%
        !          8325: There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
        !          8326:                -- Mark Twain
        !          8327: %%
        !          8328: There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
        !          8329: tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
        !          8330: abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
        !          8331: war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
        !          8332: of course.
        !          8333:                -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
        !          8334: %%
        !          8335: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
        !          8336:                -- G. B. Shaw
        !          8337: %%
        !          8338: There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
        !          8339: reflexes.
        !          8340: %%
        !          8341: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
        !          8342: doing.
        !          8343: %%
        !          8344: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
        !          8345: that is not being talked about.
        !          8346:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          8347: %%
        !          8348: There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
        !          8349: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
        !          8350:                -- Mark Twain
        !          8351: %%
        !          8352: There once was a girl named Irene
        !          8353: Who lived on distilled kerosene
        !          8354:        But she started absorbin'
        !          8355:        A new hydrocarbon
        !          8356: And since then has never benzene.
        !          8357: %%
        !          8358: There once was an old man from Esser,
        !          8359: Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
        !          8360:        It at last grew so small,
        !          8361:        He knew nothing at all,
        !          8362: And now he's a College Professor.
        !          8363: %%
        !          8364: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
        !          8365: it."
        !          8366:                -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
        !          8367: %%
        !          8368: There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
        !          8369: left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
        !          8370: Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
        !          8371: started debating who should be allowed to stay.
        !          8372: 
        !          8373: The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
        !          8374: over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
        !          8375: would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
        !          8376: said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
        !          8377: thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
        !          8378: votes.
        !          8379: %%
        !          8380: There was a young lady from Hyde
        !          8381: Who ate a green apple and died.
        !          8382:        While her lover lamented
        !          8383:        The apple fermented
        !          8384: And made cider inside her inside.
        !          8385: %%
        !          8386: There was a young man who said "God,
        !          8387: I find it exceedingly odd,
        !          8388:        That the willow oak tree
        !          8389:        Continues to be,
        !          8390: When there's no one about in the Quad."
        !          8391: 
        !          8392: "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
        !          8393: For I'm always about in the Quad;
        !          8394:        And that's why the tree,
        !          8395:        Continues to be,"
        !          8396: Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
        !          8397: %%
        !          8398: There was a young poet named Dan,
        !          8399: Whose poetry never would scan.
        !          8400:        When told this was so,
        !          8401:        He said, "Yes, I know.
        !          8402: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
        !          8403: %%
        !          8404: There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
        !          8405: the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
        !          8406: digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
        !          8407: 8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
        !          8408: transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
        !          8409: stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
        !          8410: feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
        !          8411: systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
        !          8412: first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
        !          8413: satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
        !          8414: telephone business?
        !          8415: %%
        !          8416: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
        !          8417: fence.
        !          8418: %%
        !          8419: There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
        !          8420: %%
        !          8421: There's little in taking or giving,
        !          8422:        There's little in water or wine:
        !          8423: This living, this living, this living,
        !          8424:        Was never a project of mine.
        !          8425: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
        !          8426:        The gain of the one at the top,
        !          8427: For art is a form of catharsis,
        !          8428:        And love is a permanent flop,
        !          8429: And work is the province of cattle,
        !          8430:        And rest's for a clam in a shell,
        !          8431: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
        !          8432:        Would you kindly direct me to hell?
        !          8433:                -- Dorothy Parker
        !          8434: %%
        !          8435: There's no future in time travel
        !          8436: %%
        !          8437: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
        !          8438:                -- Dr. Who
        !          8439: %%
        !          8440: There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
        !          8441: any worse.
        !          8442: %%
        !          8443: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
        !          8444: what it is I'll get married again.
        !          8445:                -- Clint Eastwood
        !          8446: %%
        !          8447: There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
        !          8448: becoming an endangered synthetic.
        !          8449:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          8450: %%
        !          8451: "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
        !          8452: "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
        !          8453: "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
        !          8454: out of MEGATON MAN!"
        !          8455: %%
        !          8456: These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
        !          8457: used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
        !          8458: %%
        !          8459: They also surf who only stand on waves.
        !          8460: %%
        !          8461: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
        !          8462: always spell better than they pronounce.
        !          8463:                -- Mark Twain
        !          8464: %%
        !          8465: "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
        !          8466: %%
        !          8467: They told me you had proven it         When they discovered our results
        !          8468:        About a month before.                   Their hair began to curl
        !          8469: The proof was valid, more or less      Instead of understanding it
        !          8470:        But rather less than more.              We'd run the thing through PRL.
        !          8471: 
        !          8472: He sent them word that we would try    Don't tell a soul about all this
        !          8473:        To pass where they had failed           For it must ever be
        !          8474: And after we were done, to them                A secret, kept from all the rest
        !          8475:        The new proof would be mailed.          Between yourself and me.
        !          8476: 
        !          8477: My notion was to start again
        !          8478:        Ignoring all they'd done
        !          8479: We quickly turned it into code
        !          8480:        To see if it would run.
        !          8481: %%
        !          8482: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
        !          8483: %%
        !          8484: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
        !          8485: %%
        !          8486: Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
        !          8487: %%
        !          8488: Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
        !          8489: %%
        !          8490: Think honk if you're a telepath.
        !          8491: %%
        !          8492: Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
        !          8493: %%
        !          8494: Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
        !          8495: computer crashes.
        !          8496: %%
        !          8497: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
        !          8498: %%
        !          8499: This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
        !          8500: please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
        !          8501: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
        !          8502: something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
        !          8503: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
        !          8504: %%
        !          8505: This fortune intentionally not included.
        !          8506: %%
        !          8507: This fortune is false.
        !          8508: %%
        !          8509: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
        !          8510: %%
        !          8511: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
        !          8512: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
        !          8513: keys ..."
        !          8514: %%
        !          8515: This is for all ill-treated fellows
        !          8516:        Unborn and unbegot,
        !          8517: For them to read when they're in trouble
        !          8518:        And I am not.
        !          8519:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          8520: %%
        !          8521: This is the story of the bee
        !          8522: Whose sex is very hard to see
        !          8523: 
        !          8524: You cannot tell the he from the she
        !          8525: But she can tell, and so can he
        !          8526: 
        !          8527: The little bee is never still
        !          8528: She has no time to take the pill
        !          8529: 
        !          8530: And that is why, in times like these
        !          8531: There are so many sons of bees.
        !          8532: %%
        !          8533: This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
        !          8534: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
        !          8535: to go.
        !          8536: %%
        !          8537: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
        !          8538: %%
        !          8539: This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
        !          8540: the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
        !          8541: solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
        !          8542: largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
        !          8543: which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
        !          8544: paper that were unhappy.
        !          8545:                -- Douglas Adams
        !          8546: %%
        !          8547: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
        !          8548: it.
        !          8549: %%
        !          8550: Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
        !          8551: %%
        !          8552: Those who can't write, write manuals.
        !          8553: %%
        !          8554: Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
        !          8555: for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
        !          8556:                -- Aristotle
        !          8557: %%
        !          8558: Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
        !          8559: %%
        !          8560: Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
        !          8561: revolution inevitable.
        !          8562:                -- John F. Kennedy
        !          8563: %%
        !          8564: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
        !          8565: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
        !          8566: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
        !          8567: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
        !          8568: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
        !          8569: more about the matter than the others.
        !          8570:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8571: %%
        !          8572: Time flies like an arrow
        !          8573: Fruit flies like a banana
        !          8574: %%
        !          8575: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
        !          8576: once.
        !          8577: %%
        !          8578: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
        !          8579:                -- Woody Allen
        !          8580: %%
        !          8581: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
        !          8582: %%
        !          8583: To be is to do.
        !          8584:                -- I. Kant
        !          8585: To do is to be.
        !          8586:                -- A. Sartre
        !          8587: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        !          8588:                -- F. Flinstone
        !          8589: %%
        !          8590: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
        !          8591: call it the target.
        !          8592: %%
        !          8593: To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
        !          8594: %%
        !          8595: To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
        !          8596:                -- Thomas Edison
        !          8597: %%
        !          8598: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
        !          8599: %%
        !          8600: To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
        !          8601: system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
        !          8602: inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
        !          8603: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
        !          8604: uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
        !          8605: well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
        !          8606: of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
        !          8607: secure ecological niche.
        !          8608:                -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
        !          8609: %%
        !          8610: "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
        !          8611: %%
        !          8612: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
        !          8613: %%
        !          8614: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
        !          8615: %%
        !          8616: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
        !          8617: %%
        !          8618: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
        !          8619: %%
        !          8620: Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
        !          8621: 
        !          8622: And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
        !          8623:                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
        !          8624: %%
        !          8625: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
        !          8626: %%
        !          8627: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
        !          8628: %%
        !          8629: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
        !          8630:                -- Mae West
        !          8631: %%
        !          8632: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
        !          8633: %%
        !          8634: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
        !          8635: in eucalyptus trees.
        !          8636: %%
        !          8637: Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
        !          8638: intelligence.
        !          8639:                -- Henrik Tikkanen
        !          8640: %%
        !          8641: Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
        !          8642: %%
        !          8643: Truthful, adj.:
        !          8644:        Dumb and illiterate.
        !          8645: %%
        !          8646: Truthful, adj.:
        !          8647:        Dumb and illiterate.
        !          8648:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          8649: %%
        !          8650: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
        !          8651:                -- Charles Schulz
        !          8652: %%
        !          8653: Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
        !          8654: good.
        !          8655: %%
        !          8656: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
        !          8657: %%
        !          8658: Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
        !          8659: specification is that it should run noiselessly.
        !          8660: %%
        !          8661: Turnaucka's Law:
        !          8662:        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        !          8663:        electrical cord.
        !          8664: %%
        !          8665: Tussman's Law:
        !          8666:        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
        !          8667: %%
        !          8668: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
        !          8669: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
        !          8670: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
        !          8671: And Cory raths outgrave.
        !          8672: 
        !          8673: "Beware the software rot, my son!
        !          8674: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
        !          8675: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
        !          8676: The frumious system crash!"
        !          8677: %%
        !          8678: 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
        !          8679:    preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
        !          8680:    throughout our place of residence,
        !          8681: Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
        !          8682:    possessors of this potential, including that
        !          8683:    species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
        !          8684: Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
        !          8685:    edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
        !          8686: Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
        !          8687:    imminent visitation from an eccentric
        !          8688:    philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
        !          8689:    is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
        !          8690: %%
        !          8691: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
        !          8692:                -- Howard Kandel
        !          8693: %%
        !          8694: Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
        !          8695: %%
        !          8696: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
        !          8697: %%
        !          8698: "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
        !          8699: 
        !          8700: "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
        !          8701: right?"
        !          8702:                -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
        !          8703: %%
        !          8704: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
        !          8705:        Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
        !          8706:        hammer or get a splinter in it.
        !          8707: %%
        !          8708: Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it
        !          8709: can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
        !          8710: %%
        !          8711: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        !          8712:        Superiority is recessive.
        !          8713: %%
        !          8714: Unfair animal names:
        !          8715: 
        !          8716: -- tsetse fly                  -- bullhead
        !          8717: -- booby                       -- duck-billed platypus
        !          8718: -- sapsucker                   -- Clarence
        !          8719:                -- Gary Larson
        !          8720: %%
        !          8721: United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
        !          8722: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
        !          8723: all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
        !          8724: all the patriots of every persuasion.
        !          8725: 
        !          8726: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
        !          8727: world.
        !          8728:                -- Isaac Asimov
        !          8729: %%
        !          8730: Universe, n.:
        !          8731:        The problem.
        !          8732: %%
        !          8733: University, n.:
        !          8734:        Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
        !          8735: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
        !          8736: fix it, and ...
        !          8737: %%
        !          8738: Unnamed Law:
        !          8739:        If it happens, it must be possible.
        !          8740: %%
        !          8741: Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
        !          8742: twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
        !          8743:                -- H. L. Mencken
        !          8744: %%
        !          8745: Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
        !          8746: %%
        !          8747: User n.:
        !          8748:        A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
        !          8749: %%
        !          8750: Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
        !          8751:                -- S. C. Johnson
        !          8752: %%
        !          8753: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        !          8754:        Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
        !          8755:        ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
        !          8756:        morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
        !          8757:        wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
        !          8758:        that old underwear you own.
        !          8759: %%
        !          8760: Vail's Second Axiom:
        !          8761:        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        !          8762:        amount of work already completed.
        !          8763: %%
        !          8764: Van Roy's Law:
        !          8765:        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
        !          8766: %%
        !          8767: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        !          8768:        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
        !          8769:            once.
        !          8770:        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
        !          8771:            points.
        !          8772: %%
        !          8773: Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
        !          8774: %%
        !          8775: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        !          8776:                -- Salvor Hardin
        !          8777: %%
        !          8778: Virtue is its own punishment.
        !          8779: %%
        !          8780: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
        !          8781: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
        !          8782: %%
        !          8783: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
        !          8784: %%
        !          8785: Vote anarchist
        !          8786: %%
        !          8787: WARNING:
        !          8788:        Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
        !          8789:        mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
        !          8790:        hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
        !          8791:        your favorite war.
        !          8792: %%
        !          8793: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
        !          8794: 
        !          8795:        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        !          8796:        When it's converted to energy?
        !          8797:        There is a slight loss of parity.
        !          8798:        Johnny's so long at the fair.
        !          8799: %%
        !          8800: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
        !          8801:                -- Mark Twain
        !          8802: %%
        !          8803: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
        !          8804: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
        !          8805: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        !          8806:        (Waiter exits, returns)
        !          8807: Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
        !          8808: %%
        !          8809: War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
        !          8810:                -- Charles Edward Montague
        !          8811: %%
        !          8812: Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
        !          8813:                -- John F. Kennedy
        !          8814: %%
        !          8815: Wasting time is an important part of living.
        !          8816: %%
        !          8817: Watson's Law:
        !          8818:        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        !          8819:        number and significance of any persons watching it.
        !          8820: %%
        !          8821: We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
        !          8822:                -- Whole Earth Catalog
        !          8823: %%
        !          8824: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
        !          8825:                -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
        !          8826: %%
        !          8827: We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
        !          8828: %%
        !          8829: "We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
        !          8830: %%
        !          8831: We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
        !          8832: hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
        !          8833: %%
        !          8834: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
        !          8835:                -- Walt Kelly
        !          8836: %%
        !          8837: "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
        !          8838: hands for masturbation."
        !          8839:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          8840: %%
        !          8841: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
        !          8842: respect their good judgement.
        !          8843: %%
        !          8844: We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
        !          8845: no matter how self-seeking.
        !          8846:                -- F. G. Withington
        !          8847: %%
        !          8848: We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
        !          8849: friends are trying to kill us.
        !          8850: %%
        !          8851: We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
        !          8852: technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
        !          8853: %%
        !          8854: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          8855: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          8856: We wish you a Hare Krishna
        !          8857: And a Sun Myung Moon!
        !          8858:                -- Maxwell Smart
        !          8859: %%
        !          8860: Weiler's Law:
        !          8861:        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        !          8862:        himself.
        !          8863: %%
        !          8864: Weinberg's First Law:
        !          8865:        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
        !          8866: %%
        !          8867: Weinberg's Principle:
        !          8868:        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        !          8869:        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
        !          8870: %%
        !          8871: Weinberg's Second Law:
        !          8872:        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        !          8873:        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        !          8874:        civilization.
        !          8875: %%
        !          8876: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        !          8877:        There are no answers, only cross references.
        !          8878: %%
        !          8879: Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
        !          8880: back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
        !          8881: or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
        !          8882: they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
        !          8883:                -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
        !          8884: %%
        !          8885: "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
        !          8886: %%
        !          8887: "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
        !          8888: you believe?!"
        !          8889:                -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
        !          8890: %%
        !          8891: Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
        !          8892:        And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
        !          8893: I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
        !          8894:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          8895: 
        !          8896: If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
        !          8897:        Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
        !          8898: 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
        !          8899:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          8900: 
        !          8901: On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
        !          8902:        But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
        !          8903: Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
        !          8904:        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
        !          8905:                -- Core Dumped Blues
        !          8906: %%
        !          8907: We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
        !          8908: the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
        !          8909: you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
        !          8910: in his bowl full of jelly.
        !          8911:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          8912: %%
        !          8913: Westheimer's Discovery:
        !          8914:        A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
        !          8915:        couple of hours in the library.
        !          8916: %%
        !          8917: Wethern's Law:
        !          8918:        Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
        !          8919: %%
        !          8920: We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
        !          8921: of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
        !          8922: but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
        !          8923:                -- Andy Rooney
        !          8924: %%
        !          8925: What I tell you three times is true.
        !          8926: %%
        !          8927: What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
        !          8928: %%
        !          8929: What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
        !          8930: %%
        !          8931: What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
        !          8932: %%
        !          8933: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
        !          8934: %%
        !          8935: What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
        !          8936: entrance?
        !          8937: %%
        !          8938: What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
        !          8939: in his footsteps?
        !          8940: %%
        !          8941: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
        !          8942: definitely overpaid for my carpet.
        !          8943:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          8944: %%
        !          8945: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
        !          8946: worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
        !          8947:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          8948: %%
        !          8949: What is a magician but a practising theorist?
        !          8950:                -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
        !          8951: %%
        !          8952: What is mind?  No matter.
        !          8953: What is matter?  Never mind.
        !          8954:                -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
        !          8955: %%
        !          8956: What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
        !          8957: computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
        !          8958: and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
        !          8959: %%
        !          8960: "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
        !          8961:                -- Bertold Brecht
        !          8962: %%
        !          8963: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
        !          8964: %%
        !          8965: What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
        !          8966: to compare it with.
        !          8967: %%
        !          8968: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
        !          8969: to compare it with.
        !          8970: %%
        !          8971: What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
        !          8972: It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
        !          8973: and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
        !          8974: and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
        !          8975: women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
        !          8976: mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
        !          8977: and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
        !          8978:                -- Susan Gordon
        !          8979: %%
        !          8980: What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
        !          8981:                -- Ursula K. LeGuin
        !          8982: %%
        !          8983: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
        !          8984: %%
        !          8985: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
        !          8986: %%
        !          8987: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
        !          8988: bagel.
        !          8989: %%
        !          8990: What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
        !          8991: %%
        !          8992: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
        !          8993: %%
        !          8994: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
        !          8995: %%
        !          8996: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
        !          8997:                -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
        !          8998: %%
        !          8999: What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
        !          9000:        Our Standardized Model should please even you,
        !          9001: Tho once you did say that of charm there was none
        !          9002:        It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
        !          9003: Yet your state of the union penultimate large
        !          9004:        Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
        !          9005: And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
        !          9006:        Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
        !          9007: Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
        !          9008:        For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
        !          9009: But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
        !          9010:        Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
        !          9011: Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
        !          9012:        You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
        !          9013: That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
        !          9014:        Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
        !          9015: Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
        !          9016:        Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
        !          9017:                    -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984
        !          9018: %%
        !          9019: Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
        !          9020: cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
        !          9021: as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
        !          9022: hundred dollar bills."
        !          9023:                -- Herb Caen
        !          9024: %%
        !          9025: Whatever became of eternal truth?
        !          9026: %%
        !          9027: Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
        !          9028: nailed down.
        !          9029:                -- Collis P. Huntingdon
        !          9030: %%
        !          9031: When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
        !          9032: guarantee them.
        !          9033: %%
        !          9034: When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
        !          9035: ladies, and, of course, the goat.
        !          9036: %%
        !          9037: When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
        !          9038: I'm beginning to believe it.
        !          9039:                -- Clarence Darrow
        !          9040: %%
        !          9041: When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
        !          9042: the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
        !          9043:                -- Woody Allen
        !          9044: %%
        !          9045: When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
        !          9046: or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
        !          9047: cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
        !          9048: go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
        !          9049:                -- Mark Twain
        !          9050: %%
        !          9051: When Marriage is Outlawed,
        !          9052: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
        !          9053: %%
        !          9054: When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
        !          9055: money is.
        !          9056:                -- Robespierre
        !          9057: %%
        !          9058: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
        !          9059: thing," it's the money.
        !          9060:                -- Kim Hubbard
        !          9061: %%
        !          9062: When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
        !          9063: loop?
        !          9064: %%
        !          9065: When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
        !          9066: not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
        !          9067: travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
        !          9068:                -- Robert Heinlein
        !          9069: %%
        !          9070: When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
        !          9071: sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
        !          9072: relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
        !          9073:                -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
        !          9074:                   Maintenance"
        !          9075: %%
        !          9076: When all other means of communication fail, try words.
        !          9077: %%
        !          9078: When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
        !          9079: think it was a Tuesday.
        !          9080: %%
        !          9081: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
        !          9082: %%
        !          9083: "When in doubt, tell the truth."
        !          9084:                -- Mark Twain
        !          9085: %%
        !          9086: When in doubt, use brute force.
        !          9087:                -- Ken Thompson
        !          9088: %%
        !          9089: When love is gone, there's always justice.
        !          9090: And when justice is gone, there's always force.
        !          9091: And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
        !          9092: Hi, Mom!
        !          9093:                -- Laurie Anderson
        !          9094: %%
        !          9095: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
        !          9096: results.
        !          9097:                -- Calvin Coolidge
        !          9098: %%
        !          9099: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
        !          9100: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
        !          9101: %%
        !          9102: When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
        !          9103: the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
        !          9104: nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
        !          9105:                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        !          9106: %%
        !          9107: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
        !          9108: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
        !          9109: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
        !          9110: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
        !          9111: corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
        !          9112:                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
        !          9113: %%
        !          9114: "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
        !          9115:                -- Jon Carroll
        !          9116: %%
        !          9117: When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
        !          9118: modify the problem, not the remedy.
        !          9119: %%
        !          9120: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
        !          9121: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
        !          9122: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
        !          9123: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
        !          9124:                -- George Bernard Shaw
        !          9125: %%
        !          9126: When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
        !          9127: not hereditary.
        !          9128:                -- Thomas Paine
        !          9129: %%
        !          9130: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
        !          9131: %%
        !          9132: When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
        !          9133: %%
        !          9134: "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 
        !          9135:                -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
        !          9136: %%
        !          9137: When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
        !          9138:                -- The Wall Street Journal
        !          9139: %%
        !          9140: When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
        !          9141: Wretched, bored, dejected; only
        !          9142: Here's the rub, my darling dear
        !          9143: I feel the same when you are near.
        !          9144:                -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
        !          9145: %%
        !          9146: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
        !          9147: %%
        !          9148: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
        !          9149: see it tried on him personally.
        !          9150:                -- A. Lincoln
        !          9151: %%
        !          9152: Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
        !          9153:                -- Dave Parnas
        !          9154: %%
        !          9155: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
        !          9156:                --Oscar Wilde
        !          9157: %%
        !          9158: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
        !          9159: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
        !          9160: Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
        !          9161:                -- Mark Twain
        !          9162:                   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
        !          9163: %%
        !          9164: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
        !          9165: to reform.
        !          9166:                -- Mark Twain
        !          9167: %%
        !          9168: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
        !          9169: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
        !          9170:                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
        !          9171: %%
        !          9172: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
        !          9173: %%
        !          9174: Whether you can hear it or not
        !          9175: The Universe is laughing behind your back
        !          9176:                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
        !          9177: %%
        !          9178: While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
        !          9179: The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
        !          9180: While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
        !          9181: And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
        !          9182: Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
        !          9183: The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
        !          9184:                -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
        !          9185:                   November 26, 1792
        !          9186: %%
        !          9187: While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
        !          9188: admission to someone else.
        !          9189: %%
        !          9190: While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
        !          9191: form of misery.
        !          9192: %%
        !          9193: While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
        !          9194: position.
        !          9195: %%
        !          9196: While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
        !          9197: correctness never does.
        !          9198: %%
        !          9199: While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
        !          9200: reassuring to know that it's still there.
        !          9201: %%
        !          9202: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
        !          9203: safe, for you can watch both of his.
        !          9204:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9205: %%
        !          9206: Whistler's Law:
        !          9207:        You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
        !          9208:        charge.
        !          9209: %%
        !          9210: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
        !          9211: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
        !          9212: %%
        !          9213: Who made the world I cannot tell;
        !          9214: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
        !          9215: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
        !          9216: I never soiled with such a deed.
        !          9217:                -- A. E. Housman
        !          9218: %%
        !          9219: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
        !          9220: %%
        !          9221: Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
        !          9222: %%
        !          9223: Who's on first?
        !          9224: %%
        !          9225: Why I Can't Go Out With You:
        !          9226: 
        !          9227: I'd LOVE to, but ...
        !          9228:        -- I have to floss my cat.
        !          9229:        -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
        !          9230:        -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
        !          9231:        -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
        !          9232:        -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
        !          9233:        -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
        !          9234:        -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
        !          9235:        -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
        !          9236:        -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
        !          9237:        -- I have some really hard words to look up.
        !          9238:        -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
        !          9239:        -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
        !          9240: %%
        !          9241: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
        !          9242:                -- Bertold Brecht
        !          9243: %%
        !          9244: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
        !          9245: avoid responsibility with?
        !          9246: %%
        !          9247: Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
        !          9248: automation?
        !          9249: %%
        !          9250: Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
        !          9251: there must be a beverage.
        !          9252:                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        !          9253: %%
        !          9254: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
        !          9255: because we are not the person involved"
        !          9256:                -- Mark Twain
        !          9257: %%
        !          9258: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
        !          9259:                -- Lily Tomlin
        !          9260: %%
        !          9261: Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
        !          9262: Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
        !          9263: children open their old-fashioned presents.
        !          9264: 
        !          9265: Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
        !          9266: 
        !          9267: You:   "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
        !          9268:        falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"
        !          9269: 
        !          9270: Son:   "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
        !          9271:        with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
        !          9272:        and I get this cretin TOP?"
        !          9273: 
        !          9274: Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."
        !          9275: 
        !          9276: You:   "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"
        !          9277: 
        !          9278: Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
        !          9279:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          9280: %%
        !          9281: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
        !          9282:                -- Oscar Wilde
        !          9283: %%
        !          9284: Wiker's Law:
        !          9285:        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
        !          9286: %%
        !          9287: Williams and Holland's Law:
        !          9288:        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        !          9289:        statistical methods.
        !          9290: %%
        !          9291: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
        !          9292: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
        !          9293: %%
        !          9294: Wit, n.:
        !          9295:        The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
        !          9296: ... by leaving it out.
        !          9297:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9298: %%
        !          9299: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
        !          9300:                -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        !          9301: %%
        !          9302: With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
        !          9303: build a nuclear balm?
        !          9304: %%
        !          9305: With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
        !          9306: miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
        !          9307: still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
        !          9308: such thing as progress.
        !          9309:                -- Ransom K. Ferm
        !          9310: %%
        !          9311: Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
        !          9312: %%
        !          9313: Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
        !          9314: you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
        !          9315: down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
        !          9316: tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
        !          9317: long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
        !          9318: there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
        !          9319: come back.
        !          9320: 
        !          9321: Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
        !          9322: when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
        !          9323: Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
        !          9324: cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
        !          9325: heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
        !          9326: beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
        !          9327: and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
        !          9328: although their insurance rates went way up.
        !          9329:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          9330: %%
        !          9331: Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your
        !          9332: chairs.
        !          9333: %%
        !          9334: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
        !          9335:        August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
        !          9336:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          9337: %%
        !          9338: Worst Month of the Year:
        !          9339:        February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
        !          9340: you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
        !          9341: get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
        !          9342:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          9343: %%
        !          9344: Worst Vegetable of the Year:
        !          9345:        The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
        !          9346: year.
        !          9347:                -- Steve Rubenstein
        !          9348: %%
        !          9349: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
        !          9350: 
        !          9351: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
        !          9352:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          9353: %%
        !          9354: Write-Protect Tab, n.:
        !          9355:        A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
        !          9356: left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
        !          9357: message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
        !          9358: momentary inconvenience.
        !          9359:                -- Robb Russon
        !          9360: %%
        !          9361: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
        !          9362: %%
        !          9363: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
        !          9364: %%
        !          9365: X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
        !          9366: imagination is the plot.
        !          9367: %%
        !          9368: "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
        !          9369: goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
        !          9370: their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
        !          9371: unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
        !          9372: doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
        !          9373:                -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
        !          9374: %%
        !          9375: Year, n.:
        !          9376:        A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
        !          9377:                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
        !          9378: %%
        !          9379: Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
        !          9380: %%
        !          9381: Yes, but which self do you want to be?
        !          9382: %%
        !          9383: Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
        !          9384: be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
        !          9385:                -- Snoopy
        !          9386: %%
        !          9387: Yesterday upon the stair
        !          9388: I met a man who wasn't there.
        !          9389: He wasn't there again today --
        !          9390: I think he's from the CIA.
        !          9391: %%
        !          9392: Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
        !          9393:                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
        !          9394: %%
        !          9395: Yinkel, n.:
        !          9396:        A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
        !          9397: will notice.
        !          9398:                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
        !          9399: %%
        !          9400: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
        !          9401:        "All your papers these days look the same;
        !          9402: Those William's would be better unread --
        !          9403:        Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
        !          9404: 
        !          9405: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
        !          9406:        "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
        !          9407: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
        !          9408:        Made it pointless to think any more."
        !          9409: %%
        !          9410: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
        !          9411:        "And your hair has become very white;
        !          9412: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
        !          9413:        Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
        !          9414: 
        !          9415: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
        !          9416:        "I feared it might injure the brain;
        !          9417: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
        !          9418:        Why, I do it again and again."
        !          9419:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          9420: %%
        !          9421: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
        !          9422:        That your lectures bore people to death.
        !          9423: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
        !          9424:        Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
        !          9425: 
        !          9426: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
        !          9427:        Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
        !          9428: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !          9429:        Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
        !          9430: %%
        !          9431: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
        !          9432:        For anything tougher than suet;
        !          9433: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
        !          9434:        Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
        !          9435: 
        !          9436: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
        !          9437:        And argued each case with my wife;
        !          9438: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
        !          9439:        Has lasted the rest of my life."
        !          9440:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          9441: %%
        !          9442: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
        !          9443:        And there isn't one language you like;
        !          9444: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
        !          9445:        Have you thought about taking a hike?"
        !          9446: 
        !          9447: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
        !          9448:        "Every language looks equally bad;
        !          9449: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
        !          9450:        And don't realize that they've been had."
        !          9451: %%
        !          9452: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !          9453:        And have grown most uncommonly fat;
        !          9454: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
        !          9455:        Pray what is the reason of that?"
        !          9456: 
        !          9457: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
        !          9458:        "I kept all my limbs very supple
        !          9459: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
        !          9460:        Allow me to sell you a couple?"
        !          9461:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          9462: %%
        !          9463: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        !          9464:        And make errors few people could bear;
        !          9465: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
        !          9466:        Do you really think this is quite fair?"
        !          9467: 
        !          9468: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
        !          9469:        "But my stature these days is so great
        !          9470: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
        !          9471:        And to stop me it's now far too late."
        !          9472: %%
        !          9473: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
        !          9474:        That your eye was as steady as ever;
        !          9475: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
        !          9476:        What made you so awfully clever?"
        !          9477: 
        !          9478: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
        !          9479:        Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
        !          9480: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        !          9481:        Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
        !          9482:                -- Lewis Carrol
        !          9483: %%
        !          9484: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
        !          9485: %%
        !          9486: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
        !          9487: this sort of trash.
        !          9488: %%
        !          9489: You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
        !          9490: incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
        !          9491: Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
        !          9492: to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
        !          9493: nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
        !          9494: they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
        !          9495: some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
        !          9496: 
        !          9497: The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
        !          9498: pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
        !          9499: safety glasses.
        !          9500:                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
        !          9501: %%
        !          9502: You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
        !          9503: executive.
        !          9504: %%
        !          9505: You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
        !          9506: can with just a kind word.
        !          9507:                -- Bumper Sticker
        !          9508: %%
        !          9509: You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
        !          9510: %%
        !          9511: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
        !          9512: the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
        !          9513:                -- Alan Perlis
        !          9514: %%
        !          9515: You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
        !          9516: decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
        !          9517: over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
        !          9518:                -- F. Allen
        !          9519: %%
        !          9520: You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
        !          9521: supercomputers.
        !          9522:                -- Steven Feiner
        !          9523: %%
        !          9524: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
        !          9525: %%
        !          9526: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
        !          9527: %%
        !          9528: You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
        !          9529: %%
        !          9530: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
        !          9531: %%
        !          9532: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
        !          9533: %%
        !          9534: You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
        !          9535: enough worrying about what's happening now.
        !          9536:                -- Lauren Bacall
        !          9537: %%
        !          9538: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
        !          9539: don't."
        !          9540:                -- Dagwood Bumstead
        !          9541: %%
        !          9542: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
        !          9543: and last month in advance.
        !          9544: %%
        !          9545: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
        !          9546: doubt.
        !          9547:                -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
        !          9548: %%
        !          9549: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
        !          9550:                -- J. D. Salinger
        !          9551: %%
        !          9552: You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
        !          9553: needles.
        !          9554:                -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
        !          9555: %%
        !          9556: You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.  The
        !          9557: short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
        !          9558: which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
        !          9559: tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
        !          9560: names.  Here's the complete text:
        !          9561: 
        !          9562:        "1.  How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
        !          9563:        "2.  How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
        !          9564:        "3.  Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
        !          9565:             send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
        !          9566:             THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
        !          9567:             household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
        !          9568:             you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
        !          9569:             NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
        !          9570: 
        !          9571: The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
        !          9572: money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
        !          9573: form.
        !          9574:                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        !          9575: %%
        !          9576: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
        !          9577: today.
        !          9578: %%
        !          9579: You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
        !          9580: friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
        !          9581: %%
        !          9582: You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
        !          9583: %%
        !          9584: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
        !          9585:                -- Alfred Kahn
        !          9586: %%
        !          9587: You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
        !          9588: success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
        !          9589: or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
        !          9590: party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
        !          9591:                -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
        !          9592: %%
        !          9593: You might have mail
        !          9594: %%
        !          9595: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
        !          9596: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
        !          9597: %%
        !          9598: You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
        !          9599: be dead.
        !          9600: %%
        !          9601: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
        !          9602: beach.
        !          9603: %%
        !          9604: You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were
        !          9605: you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
        !          9606: yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
        !          9607: company.
        !          9608:                -- J. Wellington Wells
        !          9609: %%
        !          9610: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
        !          9611: %%
        !          9612: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
        !          9613: if they are dead.
        !          9614: %%
        !          9615: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
        !          9616: freedom and liberty.
        !          9617:                -- Henrik Ibsen
        !          9618: %%
        !          9619: You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
        !          9620: contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
        !          9621: houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
        !          9622: scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
        !          9623: summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
        !          9624: you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
        !          9625: sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
        !          9626:                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
        !          9627: %%
        !          9628: You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
        !          9629: %%
        !          9630: You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
        !          9631: %%
        !          9632: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
        !          9633: %%
        !          9634: You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
        !          9635: to worry.
        !          9636: %%
        !          9637: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
        !          9638: %%
        !          9639: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
        !          9640: thing he tells you.
        !          9641: %%
        !          9642: Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
        !          9643: from enjoying it.
        !          9644: %%
        !          9645: Your fault: core dumped
        !          9646: %%
        !          9647: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
        !          9648: %%
        !          9649: Your lucky color has faded.
        !          9650: %%
        !          9651: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
        !          9652: %%
        !          9653: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
        !          9654: %%
        !          9655: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
        !          9656: %%
        !          9657: You're at the end of the road again.
        !          9658: %%
        !          9659: You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
        !          9660: %%
        !          9661: You're never too old to become younger.
        !          9662:                -- Mae West
        !          9663: %%
        !          9664: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
        !          9665:                -- Dean Martin
        !          9666: %%
        !          9667: Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
        !          9668: when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
        !          9669: %%
        !          9670: You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
        !          9671: %%
        !          9672: Zero Defects, n.:
        !          9673:        The result of shutting down a production line.
        !          9674: %%
        !          9675: Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
        !          9676: since I first called my brother's father dad.
        !          9677:                -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
        !          9678: %%
        !          9679: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        !          9680:        People are always available for work in the past tense.
        !          9681: %%
        !          9682: better !pout !cry
        !          9683: better watchout
        !          9684: lpr why
        !          9685: santa claus <north pole >town
        !          9686: 
        !          9687: cat /etc/passwd >list
        !          9688: ncheck list 
        !          9689: ncheck list
        !          9690: cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
        !          9691: cat list | grep nice >giftlist
        !          9692: santa claus <north pole > town
        !          9693: 
        !          9694: who | grep sleeping
        !          9695: who | grep awake
        !          9696: who | egrep 'bad|good'
        !          9697: for (goodness sake) {
        !          9698:        be good
        !          9699: }
        !          9700: %%
        !          9701: /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
        !          9702: %%
        !          9703: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
        !          9704: %%
        !          9705: f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
        !          9706: %%
        !          9707: pi seconds is a nanocentury.
        !          9708:                -- Tom Duff
        !          9709: %%
        !          9710: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
        !          9711: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
        !          9712: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
        !          9713: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
        !          9714: in the end a summer with wild winds &
        !          9715: new friends will be.
        !          9716: %%