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1.1 root 1: -- Gifts for Children --
2:
3: This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
4: because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
5: and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
6: morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
7: exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
8: your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
9: Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
10: might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
11: me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
12: who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
13: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
14: %%
15: -- Gifts for Men --
16:
17: Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
18: ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
19: should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
20: clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
21: example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
22: three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
23: that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
24: at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
25: So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
26: years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
27: pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
28:
29: If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
30: than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
31: of tires.
32: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
33: %%
34: *** NEWSFLASH ***
35: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
36: %%
37: DELETE A FORTUNE!
38:
39: Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
40: to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
41: "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
42: gets expunged.
43: %%
44: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
45:
46: 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail
47: light but a steady left tail light. This means
48:
49: (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
50: to call the problem to the driver's attention.
51: (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
52: (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
53: (d) the driver is from out of town.
54:
55: The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
56: countries to signal turns.
57: %%
58: Pittsburgh Driver's Test
59:
60: 8: Pedestrians are
61:
62: (a) irrelevant.
63: (b) communists.
64: (c) a nuisance.
65: (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
66:
67: The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
68: totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
69: %%
70: Has your family tried 'em?
71:
72: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
73:
74: Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
75:
76: They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
77: the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
78:
79: POWDERMILK BISCUITS
80:
81: Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
82: the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
83: stains that indicate freshness.
84: %%
85: THE STORY OF CREATION
86: or
87: THE MYTH OF URK
88:
89: In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
90: and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
91: was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
92: registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
93: and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
94: Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
95: and there was morning, one interrupt ...
96: -- Rico Tudor
97: %%
98: JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
99: by Mark Isaak
100:
101: Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
102: character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
103: hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
104: are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
105: BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
106: to him.
107: So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
108: he met the traveling salesman.
109: "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
110: in high-level language.
111: "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
112: and Apples," commented Jack.
113: "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
114: there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
115: Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
116: he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
117: started thrashing.
118: "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
119: kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
120: window ...
121: %%
122: A Severe Strain on the Credulity
123:
124: As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
125: parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
126: is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
127: considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
128: begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
129: starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
130: maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
131: Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
132: of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
133: re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
134: against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
135: knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
136: -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
137: %%
138: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
139:
140: If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
141: across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
142: %%
143: AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
144:
145: There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
146: would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
147: %%
148: Another Glitch in the Call
149: ------- ------ -- --- ----
150: (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
151:
152: We don't need no indirection
153: We don't need no flow control
154: No data typing or declarations
155: Did you leave the lists alone?
156:
157: Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
158:
159: Chorus:
160: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
161: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
162: %%
163: Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
164:
165: 1. None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
166: 2. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
167: 3. I don't know.
168: 4. Who cares?
169: 5. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
170: Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
171: 6. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
172: book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
173: bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
174: Papyrus Books).
175: %%
176: DETERIORATA
177:
178: Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
179: And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
180: Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
181: Rotate your tires.
182: Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
183: And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
184: Know what to kiss -- and when.
185: Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
186: But that three do.
187: Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
188: Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
189: And despite the changing fortunes of time,
190: There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
191:
192: You are a fluke of the universe ...
193: You have no right to be here.
194: Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
195: Is laughing behind your back.
196: -- National Lampoon
197: %%
198: Gimmie That Old Time Religion
199: We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
200: Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
201: I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
202: And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
203: (chorus) (chorus)
204:
205: In the church of Aphrodite,
206: The priestess wears a see through nightie,
207: She's a mighty righteous sightie,
208: And she's good enough for me!
209: (chorus)
210:
211: CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
212: Give me that old time religion,
213: Give me that old time religion,
214: 'Cause it's good enough for me!
215: %%
216: MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
217: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
218: Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
219: the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
220: Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
221: paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
222: took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
223: their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
224: said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
225: fight and the match was called by officials.
226: %%
227: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
228: 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
229: bomb; use the stairs.
230: 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
231: the ground.
232: 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
233: 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
234: psychological problems.
235: 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
236: foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
237: shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
238: 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
239: be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
240: 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
241: 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
242: staggering illegally.
243: 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
244: sanitary due to limited circulation.
245: 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
246: D-Day.
247: %%
248: The STAR WARS Song
249: Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
250:
251: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
252: Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
253: S-O-D-A soda
254: I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
255: I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
256: Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
257:
258: Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
259: A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
260: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
261: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
262: How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
263: Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
264: %%
265: 'Twas the Night before Crisis
266:
267: 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
268: Not a program was working not even a browse.
269: The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
270: Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
271: The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
272: While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
273: When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
274: I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
275: And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
276: But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
277: More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
278: And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
279: On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
280: On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
281: His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
282: From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
283: A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
284: Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
285: %%
286: William Safire's Rules for Writers:
287:
288: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
289: be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
290: agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
291: out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
292: of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
293: not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
294: conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
295: sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
296: close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
297: words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
298: must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
299: linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
300: metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
301: be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
302: writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
303: the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
304: viable alternatives.
305: %%
306: (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
307: Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
308: Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
309: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
310: Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
311: Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
312: And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
313: And we've also found Just flip one switch
314: When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
315: You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
316: in a flash.
317: Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
318: Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
319: And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
320: %%
321: A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
322: by Mark Twain
323:
324: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
325: to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
326: be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
327: would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
328: might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
329: same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
330: "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
331: Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
332: with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
333: or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
334: Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
335: ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
336: ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
337: Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
338: hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
339: %%
340: ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
341: personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
342: best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
343: Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
344: soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
345: reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
346: table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
347: not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
348: crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
349: beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
350: wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
351: Liza Minnelli.
352: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
353: %%
354: A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
355: eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
356: test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
357: Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
358: the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
359: %%
360: A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
361: about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
362: arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
363: the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
364: Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
365: incredible surgical feat."
366: The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
367: Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
368: that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
369: architect."
370: The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
371: "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
372: %%
373: A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
374: first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
375: "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
376: and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
377: "But the collar is up around my ears!"
378: "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
379: little more ... that's it."
380: "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
381: "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
382: go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
383: So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
384: street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
385: "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
386: "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
387: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
388: %%
389: A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
390: the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
391: pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
392: nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
393: "If what?" asked the composer.
394: "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
395: %%
396: A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
397: upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
398: "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
399: man".
400: As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
401: he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
402: %%
403: AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
404: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
405: a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
406: impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
407: again. People think you are stupid.
408: %%
409: ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
410: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
411: quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
412: nice.
413: %%
414: After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
415: Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
416: and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
417: to be created."
418: "This is true," He replied.
419: "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
420: "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
421: right to make his laws?"
422: "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
423: his own."
424: It was so granted.
425: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
426: %%
427: An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
428: in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
429: "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
430: you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
431: an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
432: hour seems like a minute."
433: The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
434: moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
435: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
436: %%
437: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
438: asked the father of his little son.
439: "Diet."
440: %%
441: CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
442: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
443: think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
444: you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
445: Cancer people.
446: %%
447: CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
448: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
449: anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
450: importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
451: they take root and become trees.
452: %%
453: COMMENT
454:
455: Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
456: A medley of extemporanea;
457: And love is thing that can never go wrong;
458: And I am Marie of Roumania.
459: -- Dorothy Parker
460: %%
461: Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
462:
463: Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
464: Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
465: Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
466: Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
467:
468: Don't we know archaic barrel,
469: Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
470: Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
471: Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
472: -- Walt Kelly
473: %%
474: "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all
475: sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got
476: a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
477: those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
478: blessed.
479: -- Randy Davis
480: %%
481: During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
482: were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
483: red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
484: "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
485: "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
486: shot at mine, over there."
487: %%
488: Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
489: mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
490: "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
491: how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
492: "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
493: So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
494: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
495: %%
496: FIGHTING WORDS
497:
498: Say my love is easy had,
499: Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
500: Say I am too often sad --
501: Still behold me at your side.
502:
503: Say I'm neither brave nor young,
504: Say I woo and coddle care,
505: Say the devil touched my tongue --
506: Still you have my heart to wear.
507:
508: But say my verses do not scan,
509: And I get me another man!
510: -- Dorothy Parker
511: %%
512: Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
513: other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
514: the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
515: d'oeuvres.
516: Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
517: to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
518: Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
519: piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
520: Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
521: inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
522: other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
523: placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
524: the little hammers strike.
525: Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
526: their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
527: Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
528:
529: You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
530: you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
531: 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
532: %%
533: "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
534: of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
535:
536: "Whose?"
537:
538: "MINE! HA-HA!"
539: %%
540: GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
541: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
542: are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
543: little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
544: incest.
545: %%
546: GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917
547:
548: On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
549: Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
550: off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
551: wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
552: mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
553: tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
554: stood lookout.
555: %%
556: "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
557: extracurricular activity except you."
558: "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
559: "Only to ten, Mudhead."
560:
561: -- Firesign Theater
562: %%
563: Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
564: month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
565: are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
566: The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
567: (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
568: tadpole".
569: Bite the wax tadpole.
570: There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
571: The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
572: hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
573: bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
574: but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
575: -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
576: %%
577: "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
578: voice.
579: "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
580: course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
581: I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
582: Elven-lore:
583:
584: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
585: Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
586: Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
587: This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
588: The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
589: The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
590: If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
591: If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
592: %%
593: "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
594: Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--
595: till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
596: you!'"
597: "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
598: objected.
599: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
600: tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
601: less."
602: "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
603: so many different things."
604: "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
605: that's all."
606: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
607: %%
608: "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
609: that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
610: more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
611: might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
612: otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
613: otherwise.'"
614: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
615: %%
616: INVENTORY
617: Four be the things I am wiser to know:
618: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
619:
620: Four be the things I'd been better without:
621: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
622:
623: Three be the things I shall never attain:
624: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
625:
626: Three be the things I shall have till I die:
627: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
628: %%
629: In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
630: junior, what are you up to?"
631: "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
632: rabbit.
633: "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
634: "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
635: rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
636: expression on his face.
637: Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
638: "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
639: devour wolves."
640: "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
641: "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
642: out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
643: Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
644: should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
645: next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
646:
647: The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
648: it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
649: %%
650: It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your
651: parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all
652: to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will
653: have to act like mature human beings ...
654: -- Playboy, January 1983
655: %%
656: It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
657: laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
658: thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
659: nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
660: for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
661: Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
662: under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
663: icepacks.
664: -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
665: %%
666: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
667: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
668: Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
669: Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
670: %%
671: LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
672: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
673: you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
674: and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
675: All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
676: %%
677: Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
678: lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
679: getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
680: the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
681: sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
682: you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
683: What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
684: of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
685: the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
686: whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
687: Lassie filed the applications for.
688: -- Dave Barry
689: %%
690: Love's Drug
691:
692: My love is like an iron wand
693: That conks me on the head,
694: My love is like the valium
695: That I take before me bed,
696: My love is like the pint of scotch
697: That I drink when i be dry;
698: And I shall love thee still my dear,
699: Until my wife is wise.
700: %%
701: Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
702: Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
703: pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
704: military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
705: Esther and hustle them off to prison.
706: They can't prove who they are because they've left their
707: passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
708: and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
709: movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
710: charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
711: The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
712: they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
713: if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
714: her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
715: possible, and turns to Murray.
716: "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
717: spits in the sergeants face.
718: "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
719: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
720: %%
721: On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
722: receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
723: income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
724: $283 on the desk before the cashier.
725: "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
726: route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
727: "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
728: business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
729: worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
730: %%
731: Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
732: great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
733: the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
734: life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
735: one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
736: going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
737: shall die of boredom."
738: The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
739: current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
740: rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
741: But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
742: and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
743: Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
744: lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
745: And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
746: "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
747: Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
748: said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
749: free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
750: adventure.
751: But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
752: the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
753: %%
754: One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
755: enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
756: Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
757: years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
758: Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
759: language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
760: students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
761: interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
762: its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
763: VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
764: It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
765: run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
766: will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
767: With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
768: quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
769: VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
770: documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
771: difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
772: is that it's all there.
773: -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
774: %%
775: PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
776: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
777: the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
778: people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
779: you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
780: animals.
781: %%
782: "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
783: Candy
784: Is dandy
785: But liquor
786: Is quicker.
787: -- Ogden Nash
788: %%
789: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
790: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
791: rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
792: drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
793: %%
794: SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
795: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
796: pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
797: people are murdered.
798: %%
799: "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
800: thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
801: advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
802: "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
803: "Too proud?" the other enquired.
804: Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
805: she said, "that one can't help growing older."
806: "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
807: proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
808: -- Lewis Carroll
809: %%
810: TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
811: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
812: work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
813: You are a Communist.
814: %%
815: THE WOMBAT
816:
817: The wombat lives across the seas,
818: Among the far Antipodes.
819: He may exist on nuts and berries,
820: Or then again, on missionaries;
821: His distant habitat precludes
822: Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
823: But I would not engage the wombat
824: In any form of mortal combat.
825: %%
826: THEORY
827: Into love and out again,
828: Thus I went and thus I go.
829: Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
830: Well and bitterly I know
831: All the songs were ever sung,
832: All the words were ever said;
833: Could it be, when I was young,
834: Someone dropped me on my head?
835: -- Dorothy Parker
836: %%
837: Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
838: to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
839: beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
840: drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
841: nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
842: and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
843: Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
844: no need to improve ...
845: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
846: %%
847: The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
848: klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
849:
850: "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
851:
852: "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
853: %%
854: The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
855: Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
856: large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
857: it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
858: apparatus for a spectator sport.
859:
860: The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
861: castrating pigs during Sunday service.
862: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
863: %%
864: The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
865: as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
866: The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
867: the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
868: twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
869:
870: "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
871: everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
872: fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
873: -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
874:
875: "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
876:
877: Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
878: -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
879: %%
880: There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
881: someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
882: Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
883: Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
884: every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
885: this?
886: Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
887: centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
888: can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
889: forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
890: -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
891: even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
892: why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
893: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
894: %%
895: Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
896: rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
897: than he does.
898: As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
899: it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
900: sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
901: consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
902: being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
903: The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
904: do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
905: honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
906: be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
907: relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
908: Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
909: This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
910: -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
911: from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
912: and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
913: %%
914: To A Quick Young Fox:
915: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
916: Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
917: Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
918: Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
919: -- Lazy Dog
920: %%
921: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
922: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
923: sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
924: fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
925: %%
926: "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
927: year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
928: reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
929: artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
930: moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
931: Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
932: entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
933: sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
934:
935: "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
936:
937: "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
938: good copy."
939: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
940: %%
941: We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
942: But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
943: Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
944: I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
945: her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
946: had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
947: told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
948: lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
949: fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
950: what men must do. ...
951: "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
952: sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
953: not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
954: quiet and peace I will never forget.
955: "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
956: tollway belle's for thee."
957: The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
958: a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
959: poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
960: -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
961: Competition
962: %%
963: "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
964: teenager asked her mother.
965: "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
966: %%
967: "What's that thing?"
968: "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
969: computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
970: it does. We call it a two-by-four."
971: -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
972: %%
973: When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
974: clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
975: to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
976: In a way, the next move is up to him.
977: -- R. A. Lafferty
978: %%
979: "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
980: airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
981: deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
982: when I was young!"
983: "Why, what did she tell you?"
984: "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
985: -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
986: %%
987: ... And malt does more than Milton can
988: To justify God's ways to man
989: -- A. E. Housman
990: %%
991: ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
992: my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
993: resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
994: The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
995: them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the
996: existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
997: coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
998: is beyond the scope of this article.)
999: %%
1000: ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
1001: easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
1002: and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
1003: upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
1004: without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
1005: on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
1006: was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
1007: sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
1008: human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
1009: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1010: %%
1011: ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
1012: intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
1013: we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
1014: that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
1015: of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
1016: example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
1017: makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
1018: whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
1019: finite or an infinite number.
1020: -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
1021: %%
1022: ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
1023: and you would not have been informed.
1024: %%
1025: ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
1026: get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
1027: the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
1028: on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
1029: children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
1030: snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
1031: to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
1032: a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
1033: outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
1034: he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
1035: Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
1036: Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
1037: kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
1038: children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
1039: quickly.
1040: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
1041: %%
1042: ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
1043: with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
1044: shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
1045: advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
1046: shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
1047: them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
1048: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
1049: %%
1050: ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
1051: consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
1052: of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
1053: listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
1054: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1055: %%
1056: "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
1057: -- Mark Twain
1058: %%
1059: "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
1060: picturesque liar."
1061: -- Mark Twain
1062: %%
1063: ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
1064: -- J. B. White
1065: %%
1066: ... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
1067: the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
1068: asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
1069: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1070: %%
1071: !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
1072: %%
1073: (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
1074: (2) Great generals are forewarned.
1075: (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
1076: (4) Four is an even number.
1077: (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
1078: (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
1079:
1080: Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
1081: %%
1082: (1) Everything depends.
1083: (2) Nothing is always.
1084: (3) Everything is sometimes.
1085: %%
1086: $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
1087: which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
1088: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1089: %%
1090: 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
1091: (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
1092: (2) Dead cat brush
1093: (3) Hair barrettes
1094: (4) Cleats
1095: (5) Self-piercing earrings
1096: (6) Fungus trellis
1097: (7) False eyelashes
1098: (8) Prosthetic dog claws
1099: .
1100: .
1101: .
1102: (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
1103: (100) Killer velcro
1104: 101. Currency
1105: %%
1106: 186,282 miles per second:
1107:
1108: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
1109: %%
1110: $3,000,000
1111: %%
1112: 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
1113: simulation!
1114: %%
1115: 43rd Law of Computing:
1116: Anything that can go wr
1117: fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
1118: %%
1119: 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
1120:
1121: ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
1122: --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
1123: ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
1124: ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
1125: ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
1126: --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
1127:
1128: Nine in the second place means:
1129: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
1130:
1131: Six in the third place means:
1132: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
1133: Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
1134: %%
1135: 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
1136: 99 blocks of crud!
1137: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1138: 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
1139:
1140: 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
1141: 100 blocks of crud!
1142: You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1143: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
1144: %%
1145: A CONS is an object which cares.
1146: -- Bernie Greenberg.
1147: %%
1148: A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
1149: nothing.
1150: %%
1151: A Law of Computer Programming:
1152: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
1153: will find the programmers cannot write in English.
1154: %%
1155: A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
1156: Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
1157: She found a good way
1158: To combine work and play:
1159: She sells C shells by the seashore.
1160: %%
1161: A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
1162: responsibility at the other.
1163: %%
1164: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
1165: out of a divorce.
1166: -- Don Quinn
1167: %%
1168: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
1169: and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
1170: -- Mark Twain
1171: %%
1172: A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
1173: adds up to be real money.
1174: -- Everett McKinley Dirksen
1175: %%
1176: A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
1177: %%
1178: A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
1179: %%
1180: A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
1181: enlightened him with ours.
1182: %%
1183: A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
1184: as afterward.
1185: %%
1186: A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
1187: poor to protect them from each other.
1188: %%
1189: A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
1190: %%
1191: A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
1192: Avoid him. He's a Commie.
1193: %%
1194: A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
1195: -- Herbert Prochnow
1196: %%
1197: A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
1198: wants to read.
1199: -- Mark Twain
1200: %%
1201: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
1202: %%
1203: A computer, to print out a fact,
1204: Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
1205: But this output can be
1206: No more than debris,
1207: If the input was short of exact.
1208: -- Gigo
1209: %%
1210: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
1211: %%
1212: A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
1213: -- Ben Franklin
1214: %%
1215: A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
1216: And had an affair with a Saracen.
1217: She was not oversexed,
1218: Or jealous or vexed,
1219: She just wanted to make a comparison.
1220: %%
1221: A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
1222: %%
1223: A day without sunshine is like night.
1224: %%
1225: A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
1226: fur coat.
1227: %%
1228: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
1229: you will look forward to the trip.
1230: %%
1231: A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
1232: %%
1233: A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
1234: -- Ogden Nash
1235: %%
1236: A dozen, a gross, and a score,
1237: Plus three times the square root of four,
1238: Divided by seven,
1239: Plus five time eleven,
1240: Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
1241: %%
1242: A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
1243: Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
1244: Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
1245: with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
1246: Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed
1247: the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously
1248: hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual.
1249: The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
1250: %%
1251: A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
1252: subject.
1253: -- Winston Churchill
1254: %%
1255: A fool must now and then be right by chance.
1256: %%
1257: A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
1258: of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
1259: elephant.
1260: %%
1261: A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
1262: superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
1263: -- G. B. Shaw
1264: %%
1265: A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
1266: -- D. Gries
1267: %%
1268: A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
1269: of).
1270: %%
1271: A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
1272: rearranging their prejudices.
1273: -- William James
1274: %%
1275: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
1276: %%
1277: A lady with one of her ears applied
1278: To an open keyhole heard, inside,
1279: Two female gossips in converse free --
1280: The subject engaging them was she.
1281: "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
1282: That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
1283: As soon as no more of it she could hear
1284: The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
1285: "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
1286: "To hear my character lied about!"
1287: -- Gopete Sherany
1288: %%
1289: A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
1290: not worth knowing.
1291: %%
1292: A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
1293: in than some that do.
1294: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
1295: %%
1296: A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
1297: by being declared to work.
1298: -- Anatol Holt
1299: %%
1300: A limerick packs laughs anatomical
1301: Into space that is quite economical.
1302: But the good ones I've seen
1303: So seldom are clean,
1304: And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
1305: %%
1306: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
1307: price.
1308: %%
1309: A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
1310: believe everything positively stinks.
1311: -- Lew Col
1312: %%
1313: A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
1314:
1315: "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
1316: sense of obligation."
1317: -- Stephen Crane
1318: %%
1319: A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
1320: %%
1321: A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
1322: %%
1323: A new dramatist of the absurd
1324: Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
1325: I learn from my spies
1326: He's about to devise
1327: An unprintable three-letter word.
1328: %%
1329: A new koan:
1330:
1331: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
1332:
1333: If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
1334:
1335: It is an ice cream koan.
1336: %%
1337: A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
1338: Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now
1339: has no excuse for further procrastination.
1340: %%
1341: A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
1342: %%
1343: A penny saved is ridiculous.
1344: %%
1345: A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
1346: %%
1347: A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
1348: -- George Wald
1349: %%
1350: A pig is a jolly companion,
1351: Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
1352: A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
1353: Though mountains may topple and tilt.
1354: When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
1355: When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
1356: Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
1357: You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
1358: You'll never go wrong with a pig!
1359: -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
1360: %%
1361: A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
1362:
1363: And he answered:
1364:
1365: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
1366:
1367: It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
1368:
1369: It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
1370: upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
1371: to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
1372:
1373: And that is Fate? said the priest.
1374:
1375: Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
1376:
1377: That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
1378: too.
1379: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
1380: %%
1381: A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
1382: %%
1383: "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
1384: of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
1385: series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
1386: precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
1387: inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
1388: accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
1389: for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
1390: defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
1391: information in the first place."
1392: -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
1393: %%
1394: A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
1395: your wife will give you for free.
1396: %%
1397: A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
1398: that the system works.
1399: %%
1400: A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
1401: the real reason.
1402: %%
1403: A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
1404: objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
1405: scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
1406: concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
1407: dimensional objects ...
1408: %%
1409: A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
1410: contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
1411: -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
1412: %%
1413: A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
1414: -- Prof. Steiner
1415: %%
1416: A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
1417: waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
1418: -- Mark Twain
1419: %%
1420: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
1421: -- O'Henry
1422: %%
1423: A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
1424: exam.
1425: %%
1426: A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by
1427: its author.
1428: -- S. C. Johnson
1429: %%
1430: A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
1431: and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
1432: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1433: %%
1434: A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
1435: blowing first.
1436: %%
1437: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
1438: %%
1439: A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
1440: in students.
1441: -- John Ciardi
1442: %%
1443: A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
1444: replaces it with.
1445: -- Tenessee Williams
1446: %%
1447: A very intelligent turtle
1448: Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1449: The system, you see,
1450: Ran as slow as did he,
1451: And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1452: %%
1453: A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
1454: getting nervous.
1455: %%
1456: "A witty saying proves nothing."
1457: -- Voltaire
1458: %%
1459: A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
1460: in God.
1461: %%
1462: A.A.A.A.A.:
1463: An organization for drunks who drive
1464: %%
1465: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
1466: You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
1467: %%
1468: ADA, n.:
1469: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
1470: Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
1471: awareness."
1472: %%
1473: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
1474: %%
1475: About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
1476: ends.
1477: -- Herbert Hoover
1478: %%
1479: Absence makes the heart go wander.
1480: %%
1481: Absent, adj.:
1482: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
1483: slandered.
1484: %%
1485: Absentee, n.:
1486: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
1487: himself from the sphere of exaction.
1488: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1489: %%
1490: Abstainer, n.:
1491: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
1492: pleasure.
1493: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1494: %%
1495: Absurdity, n.:
1496: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
1497: opinion.
1498: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1499: %%
1500: Accident, n.:
1501: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
1502: body is better.
1503: %%
1504: Accidents cause History.
1505:
1506: If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
1507: Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
1508: have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
1509: could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
1510: the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
1511: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1512: %%
1513: According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
1514: -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
1515: %%
1516: According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
1517: totally worthless.
1518: %%
1519: Accordion, n.:
1520: A bagpipe with pleats.
1521: %%
1522: Accuracy, n.:
1523: The vice of being right
1524: %%
1525: Acid -- better living through chemistry.
1526: %%
1527: Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
1528: %%
1529: Acquaintance, n.:
1530: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
1531: enough to lend to.
1532: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1533: %%
1534: "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
1535: coughing."
1536: %%
1537: Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
1538: everyone glued in their seats!"
1539: Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
1540: it!"
1541: %%
1542: Actor: So what do you do for a living?
1543: Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
1544: dishes for Chinese restaurants.
1545: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
1546: %%
1547: Admiration, n.:
1548: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
1549: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1550: %%
1551: Adolescence, n.:
1552: The stage between puberty and adultery.
1553: %%
1554: "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
1555: like you ..."
1556: --- Gilda Radner
1557: %%
1558: Adore, v.:
1559: To venerate expectantly.
1560: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1561: %%
1562: Adult, n.:
1563: One old enough to know better.
1564: %%
1565: After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
1566: names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
1567: Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
1568: many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
1569: Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
1570: different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
1571: developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
1572: attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
1573: to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
1574: skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
1575: injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
1576: hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
1577: that it sinks like a stone.
1578: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
1579: %%
1580: After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
1581: %%
1582: After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
1583: quotations.
1584: -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
1585: %%
1586: After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
1587: for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
1588: simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
1589: -- P. J. O'Rourke
1590: %%
1591: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
1592: on the bench.
1593: %%
1594: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
1595: cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
1596: removed.
1597: %%
1598: Afternoon, n.:
1599: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
1600: morning.
1601: %%
1602: Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
1603: change.
1604: %%
1605: Air is water with holes in it
1606: %%
1607: Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
1608: -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
1609: %%
1610: Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
1611: telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
1612: York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
1613: And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
1614: receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
1615: %%
1616: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
1617: Aleph-null bottles of beer,
1618: You take one down, and pass it around,
1619: Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
1620: %%
1621: Alex Haley was adopted!
1622: %%
1623: Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
1624: for a dial tone.
1625: %%
1626: Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
1627: them keeps paying for it.
1628: -- Peggy Joyce
1629: %%
1630: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
1631: %%
1632: All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
1633: importance.
1634: %%
1635: "All flesh is grass"
1636: -- Isiah
1637: Smoke a friend today.
1638: %%
1639: "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
1640: sane."
1641: %%
1642: All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
1643: %%
1644: All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
1645: every organism to live beyond its income.
1646: -- Samuel Butler
1647: %%
1648: All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
1649: -- E. Rutherford
1650: %%
1651: All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
1652: too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
1653: subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
1654: can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
1655: Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
1656: decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
1657: if it rains?"
1658: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
1659: %%
1660: All the world's a VAX,
1661: And all the coders merely butchers;
1662: They have their exits and their entrails;
1663: And one int in his time plays many widths,
1664: His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
1665: Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
1666: And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
1667: And shining morning face, creeping like slug
1668: Unwillingly to school.
1669: -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
1670: %%
1671: All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
1672: -- Sean O'Casey
1673: %%
1674: All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
1675: %%
1676: All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
1677: %%
1678: All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
1679: you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
1680: average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
1681: insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
1682: realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
1683: in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real
1684: successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
1685: Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They
1686: all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on?
1687: -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
1688: %%
1689: Alliance, n.:
1690: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
1691: their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
1692: separately plunder a third.
1693: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1694: %%
1695: Alone, adj.:
1696: In bad company.
1697: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1698: %%
1699: Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
1700: mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
1701: any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
1702: to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
1703: Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
1704: serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
1705: same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
1706: that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
1707: penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
1708: running the post office.
1709: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
1710: %%
1711: Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
1712: back.
1713: %%
1714: Ambidextrous, adj.:
1715: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
1716: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1717: %%
1718: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
1719: -- Charlie McCarthy
1720: %%
1721: America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
1722: to decadence without touching civilization.
1723: -- John O'Hara
1724: %%
1725: America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
1726: until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
1727: changed its name to "America".
1728: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1729: %%
1730: Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
1731: %%
1732: An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
1733: is always polite to traffic cops.
1734: %%
1735: An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
1736: -- A. P. Herbert
1737: %%
1738: An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
1739: %%
1740: An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
1741: %%
1742: An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears
1743: a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
1744: only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
1745: Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
1746: incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
1747: excellence:
1748:
1749: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
1750: discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
1751: to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
1752: things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
1753: parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
1754: timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
1755: doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
1756: Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
1757: school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
1758: successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
1759: they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
1760: -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1761: %%
1762: An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
1763: %%
1764: Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
1765: government at all.
1766: %%
1767: And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
1768: %%
1769: And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
1770: horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
1771: columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
1772: ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
1773: world.
1774: -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
1775: %%
1776: Angels we have heard on High
1777: Tell us to go out and Buy.
1778: -- Tom Leher
1779: %%
1780: Ankh if you love Isis.
1781: %%
1782: Anoint, v.:
1783: To grease a king or other great functionary already
1784: sufficiently slippery.
1785: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1786: %%
1787: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1788: %%
1789: Anthony's Law of Force:
1790: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
1791: %%
1792: Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
1793: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
1794: corner of the workshop.
1795:
1796: Corollary:
1797: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
1798: your toes.
1799: %%
1800: Antonym, n.:
1801: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
1802: %%
1803: Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
1804: -- Charles McCabe
1805: %%
1806: Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
1807: -- Aesop
1808: %%
1809: Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
1810: sell it.
1811: %%
1812: Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
1813: larger object.
1814: %%
1815: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
1816: demo.
1817: %%
1818: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
1819: -- Arthur C. Clarke
1820: %%
1821: Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
1822: -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
1823: %%
1824: Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
1825: %%
1826: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
1827: %%
1828: Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
1829: probably parked.
1830: %%
1831: Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
1832: %%
1833: Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
1834: -- Publilius Syrus
1835: %%
1836: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
1837: is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
1838: make messes in the house.
1839: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1840: %%
1841: Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
1842: -- Samuel Goldwyn
1843: %%
1844: Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
1845: -- W. C. Fields
1846: %%
1847: Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
1848: account be allowed to do the job.
1849: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1850: %%
1851: Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
1852: %%
1853: Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
1854: %%
1855: Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
1856: %%
1857: Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
1858: price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
1859: means the price went way up.
1860: %%
1861: Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
1862: %%
1863: Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
1864: %%
1865: Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
1866: something.
1867: %%
1868: Aquadextrous, adj.:
1869: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
1870: with your toes.
1871: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
1872: %%
1873: "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
1874: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
1875: %%
1876: Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
1877: shoes.
1878: -- Mickey Mouse
1879: %%
1880: Armadillo:
1881: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
1882: %%
1883: Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1884: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
1885: (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
1886: (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
1887: first two laws.
1888: %%
1889: Arthur's Laws of Love:
1890: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
1891: remind them of someone else.
1892: (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
1893: be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
1894: of yourself in person.
1895: %%
1896: Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
1897: %%
1898: As I was passing Project MAC,
1899: I met a Quux with seven hacks.
1900: Every hack had seven bugs;
1901: Every bug had seven manifestations;
1902: Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
1903: Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
1904: How many losses at Project MAC?
1905: %%
1906: As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
1907: variable."
1908: %%
1909: As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
1910: %%
1911: As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
1912: certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
1913: -- Albert Einstein
1914: %%
1915: As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
1916: -- Weisert
1917: %%
1918: As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
1919: fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
1920: popular.
1921: -- Oscar Wilde
1922: %%
1923: As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
1924: %%
1925: "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
1926: programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
1927: --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
1928: computer system.
1929: %%
1930: As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
1931: wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
1932: to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
1933: that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
1934: finding mistakes in my own programs.
1935: -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
1936: %%
1937: As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
1938: so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
1939: -- Woody Allen
1940: %%
1941: As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
1942: is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
1943: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
1944: %%
1945: As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
1946: memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
1947: to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
1948: E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
1949: -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
1950: %%
1951: Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
1952: Station-to-Station rate.
1953: %%
1954: Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
1955: bathtub, it tolls for thee.
1956: %%
1957: Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
1958: for an answer.
1959: %%
1960: Ass, n.:
1961: The masculine of "lass".
1962: %%
1963: At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
1964: challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
1965: -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
1966: %%
1967: At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
1968: Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1969: under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1970: %%
1971: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
1972: find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
1973: the computer.
1974: %%
1975: Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
1976: -- Winston Churchill
1977: %%
1978: Automobile, n.:
1979: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
1980: pedestrians.
1981: %%
1982: Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
1983: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
1984: %%
1985: Avoid reality at all costs.
1986: %%
1987: BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
1988: %%
1989: BLISS is ignorance
1990: %%
1991: BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
1992: outfit."
1993: GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
1994: BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
1995: -- Jay Ward
1996: %%
1997: Bacchus, n.:
1998: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
1999: getting drunk.
2000: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2001: %%
2002: Bagdikian's Observation:
2003: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
2004: newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
2005: on a ukelele.
2006: %%
2007: Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
2008: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
2009: by governors.
2010: %%
2011: Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
2012: %%
2013: Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
2014: %%
2015: Barach's Rule:
2016: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
2017: physician.
2018: %%
2019: Barometer, n.:
2020: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
2021: are having.
2022: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2023: %%
2024: Barth's Distinction:
2025: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
2026: types, and those who don't.
2027: %%
2028: Baruch's Observation:
2029: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
2030: %%
2031: Basic, n.:
2032: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
2033: that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
2034: %%
2035: Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
2036: door.
2037: %%
2038: Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
2039: get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
2040: face.
2041: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
2042: %%
2043: Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
2044: -- Mark Twain
2045: %%
2046: Be different: conform.
2047: %%
2048: Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
2049: get used to it.
2050: %%
2051: Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
2052: miss
2053: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
2054: %%
2055: Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
2056: away.
2057: %%
2058: Beifeld's Principle:
2059: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
2060: receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
2061: he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
2062: a better looking and richer male friend.
2063: %%
2064: Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
2065: %%
2066: "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
2067: -- Time Bandits
2068: %%
2069: Besides the device, the box should contain:
2070:
2071: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
2072:
2073: * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
2074: club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
2075:
2076: YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
2077: cable.
2078:
2079: IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
2080: spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
2081: that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
2082: without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
2083: why."
2084:
2085: WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2086: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
2087: %%
2088: Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
2089: -- Leonard Brandwein
2090: %%
2091: "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
2092: tried it."
2093: -- Donald Knuth
2094: %%
2095: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
2096: %%
2097: Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
2098: nothing of interest is easy.
2099: %%
2100: "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
2101: finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
2102: murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
2103: their ignorance the hard way."
2104: -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
2105: %%
2106: Binary, adj.:
2107: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
2108: %%
2109: Bipolar, adj.:
2110: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
2111: New York
2112: %%
2113: Birth, n.:
2114: The first and direst of all disasters.
2115: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2116: %%
2117: Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
2118: %%
2119: Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
2120: as Wheels.
2121: %%
2122: Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
2123: %%
2124: Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
2125: plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
2126: it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
2127: arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
2128: throwing up on them.
2129: %%
2130: Boling's postulate:
2131: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
2132: %%
2133: Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
2134: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
2135: vividly manifests their lack of progress.
2136: %%
2137: Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
2138: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
2139: %%
2140: Boob's Law:
2141: You always find something in the last place you look.
2142: %%
2143: Bore, n.:
2144: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
2145: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2146: %%
2147: Boren's Laws:
2148: (1) When in charge, ponder.
2149: (2) When in trouble, delegate.
2150: (3) When in doubt, mumble.
2151: %%
2152: Boss, n.:
2153: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
2154: the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
2155: in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
2156: ornamental stud."
2157: %%
2158: Boston, n.:
2159: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
2160: finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
2161: %%
2162: Boy, n.:
2163: A noise with dirt on it.
2164: %%
2165: Bradley's Bromide:
2166: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
2167: committee -- that will do them in.
2168: %%
2169: Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
2170: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
2171: easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
2172: Ranger have handled this?"
2173: %%
2174: Brain fried -- Core dumped
2175: %%
2176: Brain, n.:
2177: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
2178: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2179: %%
2180: Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
2181: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
2182: error in an opponent.
2183: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2184: %%
2185: Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
2186: since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
2187: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2188: %%
2189: Bride, n.:
2190: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
2191: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2192: %%
2193: Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
2194: revitalize the corner saloon.
2195: %%
2196: British Israelites:
2197: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
2198: Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
2199: Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
2200: believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
2201: Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
2202: the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
2203: head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
2204: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2205: %%
2206: Broad-mindedness, n.:
2207: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
2208: %%
2209: Brooke's Law:
2210: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
2211: discovers something which either abolishes the system or
2212: expands it beyond recognition.
2213: %%
2214: Brook's Law:
2215: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
2216: %%
2217: Bubble Memory, n.:
2218: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
2219: intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
2220: %%
2221: Bucy's Law:
2222: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
2223: %%
2224: Bug:
2225: Small living things that small living boys throw on small
2226: living girls.
2227: %%
2228: Bug, n.:
2229: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
2230: PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
2231: wrote the program.
2232:
2233: Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
2234: -- Ray Simard
2235: %%
2236: Bumper sticker:
2237:
2238: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
2239: manufacture"
2240: %%
2241: Bureaucrat, n.:
2242: A politician who has tenure.
2243: %%
2244: But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
2245: system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
2246: analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
2247: -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
2248: Compilers"
2249: %%
2250: But scientists, who ought to know
2251: Assure us that it must be so.
2252: Oh, let us never, never doubt
2253: What nobody is sure about.
2254: -- Hilaire Belloc
2255: %%
2256: But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
2257: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
2258: But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
2259: -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
2260: %%
2261: But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
2262: was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
2263: education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
2264: 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
2265: American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
2266: invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
2267: invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
2268: adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
2269: electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
2270: electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
2271: part) sends it right back to the customer again.
2272:
2273: This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
2274: of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
2275: very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
2276: In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
2277: States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
2278: ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
2279: increases.
2280: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
2281: %%
2282: "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
2283: place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
2284: Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
2285: kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
2286: poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
2287: explained yet about the bytes?"
2288: %%
2289: "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
2290: computers?"
2291: %%
2292: Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
2293: Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
2294: Less dear than army ants in apple pies
2295: Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
2296: Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
2297: Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
2298: They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
2299: Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
2300: Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
2301: And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
2302: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
2303: Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
2304: Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
2305: Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
2306: %%
2307: By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
2308: completely overwhelm you.
2309: %%
2310: "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
2311: it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
2312: invent. (R. Emerson)"
2313: -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
2314: (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
2315: [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
2316: misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
2317: %%
2318: Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
2319: point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
2320: fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
2321: often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
2322: from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
2323: that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
2324: wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
2325: they wanted to be.
2326: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2327: %%
2328: C, n.:
2329: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
2330: like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
2331: anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
2332: today, or it isn't.
2333: -- Ray Simard
2334: %%
2335: CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
2336: %%
2337: Cabbage, n.:
2338: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
2339: a man's head.
2340: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2341: %%
2342: Cahn's Axiom:
2343: When all else fails, read the instructions.
2344: %%
2345: California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
2346: -- Fred Allen
2347: %%
2348: California, n.:
2349: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
2350: Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
2351: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
2352: -- Ed Moran
2353: %%
2354: Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
2355: -- Indian proverb
2356: %%
2357: "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
2358: Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
2359: %%
2360: "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
2361: -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
2362: %%
2363: "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
2364: Corner, Vermont."
2365: -- Clarence Darrow
2366: %%
2367: Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
2368: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
2369:
2370: Supplement:
2371: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
2372: %%
2373: Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
2374: for postage and 30 cents for storage.
2375: -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
2376: Post
2377: %%
2378: Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
2379: Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
2380: A root or two, a torus and a node:
2381: The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
2382: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2383: %%
2384: Captain Penny's Law:
2385: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
2386: the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
2387: %%
2388: Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
2389: expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
2390: complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
2391: planning to reduce the time it takes.
2392: %%
2393: Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
2394: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
2395: dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
2396: putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
2397: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2398: %%
2399: Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
2400: -- Mark Twain
2401: %%
2402: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
2403: %%
2404: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
2405: %%
2406: Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
2407: how many?
2408: %%
2409: Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
2410: Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
2411: Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
2412: out of it?
2413: Jaka: Ugh!
2414: Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
2415: -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
2416: %%
2417: Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
2418: walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
2419: then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
2420: health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
2421: not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
2422: only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
2423: others who have tried it.
2424: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2425: %%
2426: Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
2427: Did you ever try buying then without money?
2428: -- Ogden Nash
2429: %%
2430: Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
2431: %%
2432: Chemicals, n.:
2433: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
2434: %%
2435: Chicago, n.:
2436: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
2437: %%
2438: Chicken Little was right.
2439: %%
2440: Chicken Soup, n.:
2441: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
2442: cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
2443: is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
2444: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2445: %%
2446: Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
2447: effort to teach them good manners.
2448: %%
2449: Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
2450: And that's what parents were created for.
2451: -- Ogden Nash
2452: %%
2453: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
2454: word what you shouldn't have said.
2455: %%
2456: Chism's Law of Completion:
2457: The amount of time required to complete a government project is
2458: precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
2459: %%
2460: Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
2461: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
2462: %%
2463: Christ:
2464: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
2465: %%
2466: Churchill's Commentary on Man:
2467: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
2468: time he will pick himself up and continue on.
2469: %%
2470: Cigarette, n.:
2471: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
2472: between.
2473: %%
2474: Cinemuck, n.:
2475: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
2476: covers the floors of movie theaters.
2477: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2478: %%
2479: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
2480: %%
2481: "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
2482: %%
2483: Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
2484: %%
2485: Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
2486: %%
2487: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
2488: society.
2489: -- Mark Twain
2490: %%
2491: Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
2492: %%
2493: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
2494: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
2495: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2496: %%
2497: Cold, adj.:
2498: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
2499: %%
2500: Cold, adj.:
2501: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
2502: pockets.
2503: %%
2504: Collaboration, n.:
2505: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
2506: other fellow can spell.
2507: %%
2508: College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
2509: faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
2510: the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
2511: legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
2512: loss to humanity.
2513: -- H. L. Mencken
2514: %%
2515: Colvard's Logical Premises:
2516: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
2517: it won't.
2518: Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
2519: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
2520: attracted to.
2521: Grelb's Commentary
2522: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
2523: %%
2524: Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
2525: And every vector dreams of matrices.
2526: Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
2527: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
2528: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2529: %%
2530: Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
2531: Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
2532: Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
2533: Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
2534: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
2535: %%
2536: Command, n.:
2537: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
2538: such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
2539: %%
2540: Commitment, n.:
2541: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
2542: The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
2543: %%
2544: Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
2545: -- Albert Einstein
2546: %%
2547: Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
2548: theory.
2549: %%
2550: Computer programmers do it byte by byte
2551: %%
2552: Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
2553: %%
2554: Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
2555: -- LaRouchefoucauld
2556: %%
2557: Concept, n.:
2558: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
2559: $25,000.
2560: %%
2561: Condense soup, not books!
2562: %%
2563: Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
2564: good for dandruff.
2565: -- Peter de Vries
2566: %%
2567: Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
2568: %%
2569: Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
2570: would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
2571: you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
2572: maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
2573: OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
2574: UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
2575: IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
2576: WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
2577: SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
2578: RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
2579: RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
2580: FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
2581: -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
2582: %%
2583: Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
2584: -- H. L. Mencken
2585: %%
2586: Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
2587: %%
2588: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
2589: give it back to them.
2590: %%
2591: "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
2592: if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
2593: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2594: %%
2595: Conversation, n.:
2596: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
2597: is called the listener.
2598: %%
2599: Conway's Law:
2600: In any organization there will always be one person who knows
2601: what is going on.
2602:
2603: This person must be fired.
2604: %%
2605: Coronation, n.:
2606: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
2607: visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
2608: bomb.
2609: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2610: %%
2611: Corrupt, adj.:
2612: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
2613: %%
2614: Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
2615: is to enforce the law and fight crime.
2616: -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
2617: %%
2618: Coward, n.:
2619: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
2620: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2621: %%
2622: Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
2623: nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
2624: -- Wernher von Braun
2625: %%
2626: Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
2627: -- A. E. Newman
2628: %%
2629: Critic, n.:
2630: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
2631: to please him.
2632: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2633: %%
2634: Cynic, n.:
2635: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
2636: as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
2637: out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
2638: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2639: %%
2640: Cynic, n.:
2641: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
2642: eye.
2643: %%
2644: Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
2645: %%
2646: Dawn, n.:
2647: The time when men of reason go to bed.
2648: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2649: %%
2650: Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
2651: %%
2652: DeVries's Dilemma:
2653: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
2654: hits the paper.
2655: %%
2656: Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
2657: easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
2658: improve.
2659: %%
2660: Dear Lord:
2661: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
2662: the other hand", again.
2663: %%
2664: Dear Miss Manners:
2665: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
2666: elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
2667: courses, is all right. Which is correct?
2668:
2669: Gentle Reader:
2670: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
2671: economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
2672: principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
2673: than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
2674: believes that is.
2675: %%
2676: Dear Miss Manners:
2677: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
2678: your face.
2679:
2680: Gentle Reader:
2681: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
2682: your face ...
2683: %%
2684: Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
2685: %%
2686: Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
2687: %%
2688: Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
2689: -- R. Geis
2690: %%
2691: Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
2692: %%
2693: Decisionmaker, n.:
2694: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
2695: before the music stopped.
2696: %%
2697: Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
2698: overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
2699: language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
2700: judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
2701: addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
2702: -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
2703: Assoc.
2704: %%
2705: Deliberation, n.:
2706: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
2707: buttered on.
2708: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2709: %%
2710: "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
2711: %%
2712: Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
2713: aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
2714: -- Senator Soaper
2715: %%
2716: Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
2717: incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
2718: -- G. B. Shaw
2719: %%
2720: Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
2721: Jackasses.
2722: -- H. L. Mencken
2723: %%
2724: Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
2725: are right more than half of the time.
2726: -- E. B. White
2727: %%
2728: Dentist, n.:
2729: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
2730: coins out of one's pockets.
2731: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2732: %%
2733: Did you know ...
2734:
2735: That no-one ever reads these things?
2736: %%
2737: Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
2738: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2739: %%
2740: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
2741: conventional thing to happen to him."
2742: -- John Barrymore's dying words
2743: %%
2744: Die, v.:
2745: To stop sinning suddenly.
2746: -- Elbert Hubbard
2747: %%
2748: Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
2749: %%
2750: Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
2751: Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
2752: %%
2753: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
2754: %%
2755: Disc space -- the final frontier!
2756: %%
2757: Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
2758: %%
2759: Distress, n.:
2760: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
2761: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2762: %%
2763: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
2764: %%
2765: Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
2766: %%
2767: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
2768: %%
2769: Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
2770: %%
2771: Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
2772: anger.
2773: %%
2774: Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
2775: Violators will be prosecuted.
2776: (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
2777: %%
2778: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
2779: %%
2780: Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
2781: day as it comes.
2782: -- Donald Kaul
2783: %%
2784: Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
2785: %%
2786: Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
2787: %%
2788: Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
2789: the time to take the dirt out of them?
2790: %%
2791: "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
2792: "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
2793: "I've never done anything illegal before."
2794: "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
2795: %%
2796: Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
2797: when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
2798: -- Dick Brandon
2799: %%
2800: Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
2801: be good because the programmers hate it so much.
2802: %%
2803: Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
2804: pretty?
2805: W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
2806: bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
2807: sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
2808: Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
2809: W. C.: It's almost impossible.
2810: -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
2811: E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
2812: %%
2813: Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
2814: %%
2815: Don't be humble, you're not that great.
2816: -- Golda Meir
2817: %%
2818: Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
2819: %%
2820: Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
2821: %%
2822: Don't feed the bats tonight.
2823: %%
2824: Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
2825: misleading. Debug only code.
2826: -- Dave Storer
2827: %%
2828: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
2829: nothing. It was here first.
2830: -- Mark Twain
2831: %%
2832: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
2833: %%
2834: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
2835: %%
2836: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
2837: %%
2838: Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
2839: %%
2840: Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
2841: distance.
2842: %%
2843: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
2844: %%
2845: Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
2846: it today you can do it again tomorrow.
2847: %%
2848: "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
2849: -- Darryl F. Zanuck
2850: %%
2851: Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
2852: %%
2853: Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
2854: %%
2855: "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
2856: get more wax!!"
2857: %%
2858: Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
2859: tomorrow in Australia.
2860: -- Charles Schultz
2861: %%
2862: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
2863: busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
2864: %%
2865: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
2866: %%
2867: Down with categorical imperative!
2868: %%
2869: "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
2870: %%
2871: Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
2872: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
2873: of your eyes.
2874: %%
2875: Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
2876: %%
2877: Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
2878: route!
2879: %%
2880: Ducharme's Precept:
2881: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
2882: %%
2883: Ducharm's Axiom:
2884: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
2885: yourself as part of the problem.
2886: %%
2887: Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
2888: it holds the universe together ...
2889: -- Carl Zwanzig
2890: %%
2891: Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
2892: has been discontinued.
2893: %%
2894: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
2895: and captain of your soul.
2896: %%
2897: During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several
2898: times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
2899: %%
2900: Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to
2901: have nothing whatever to do with it.
2902: -- W. Somerset Maughm
2903: %%
2904: E Pluribus Unix
2905: %%
2906: Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
2907: %%
2908: /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
2909: %%
2910: "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
2911: -- Jeff Berner
2912: %%
2913: Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
2914: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
2915: cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
2916: the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
2917: means the puzzle is solved.
2918: -- Steve Rubenstein
2919: %%
2920: Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
2921: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2922: %%
2923: Economics, n.:
2924: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
2925: Galbraith ...
2926: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2927: %%
2928: Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
2929: -- Adlai Stevenson
2930: %%
2931: Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
2932: people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
2933: comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
2934: the "nog" comes from.
2935:
2936: To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
2937: season, eggs...
2938: %%
2939: Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
2940: of being a damned fool.
2941: -- Bellamy Brooks
2942: %%
2943: Egotist, n.:
2944: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
2945: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2946: %%
2947: Ehrman's Commentary:
2948: 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2949: 2. Who said things would get better?
2950: %%
2951: Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
2952: -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
2953: %%
2954: Eisenhower was very nice,
2955: Nixon was his only vice.
2956: -- C. Degen
2957: %%
2958: Eleanor Rigby
2959: Sits at the keyboard
2960: And waits for a line on the screen
2961: Lives in a dream
2962: Waits for a signal
2963: Finding some code
2964: That will make the machine do some more.
2965: What is it for?
2966:
2967: All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
2968: All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
2969: %%
2970: Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
2971: %%
2972: Electrocution, n.:
2973: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2974: %%
2975: Elevators smell different to midgets
2976: %%
2977: Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
2978: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
2979: can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
2980: %%
2981: Encyclopedia Salesmen:
2982: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
2983: and tell them your house is being burgled.
2984: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2985: %%
2986: Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
2987: Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
2988: -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
2989: %%
2990: Entropy isn't what it used to be.
2991: %%
2992: Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
2993: otherwise require harder thinking.
2994: -- Jerome Lettvin
2995: %%
2996: Equal bytes for women.
2997: %%
2998: Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
2999: Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
3000: Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
3001: Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
3002: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
3003: %%
3004: Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
3005: -- Woody Allen
3006: %%
3007: Etymology, n.:
3008: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that
3009: were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
3010: from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
3011: ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
3012: -- Mike Kellen
3013: %%
3014: Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
3015: speak it to?
3016: -- Clarence Darrow
3017: %%
3018: "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
3019: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
3020: %%
3021: Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
3022: States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
3023: %%
3024: Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
3025: just how busy they are.
3026: %%
3027: Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman
3028: and stop her.
3029: %%
3030: Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
3031:
3032: Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
3033: front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
3034: odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
3035: and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
3036: legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
3037: there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
3038: of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
3039: color"], that does not exist.
3040: %%
3041: Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
3042: %%
3043: Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
3044: %%
3045: Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
3046: signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
3047: fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
3048: spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
3049: genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
3050: of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
3051: humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
3052: -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
3053: %%
3054: Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
3055: -- Don Vonada
3056: %%
3057: Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
3058: -- Miguel de Cervantes
3059: %%
3060: Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
3061: instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
3062: program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
3063: %%
3064: Every program has two purposes --
3065: written and another for which it wasn't.
3066: %%
3067: Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
3068: %%
3069: Every solution breeds new problems.
3070: %%
3071: Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
3072: guarantee of eventual success.
3073: %%
3074: "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
3075: %%
3076: Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
3077: -- Beckett
3078: %%
3079: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
3080: -- Dykstra
3081: %%
3082: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
3083: %%
3084: Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
3085: taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
3086: %%
3087: Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
3088: formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
3089: scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
3090: wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
3091: existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
3092: discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
3093: problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
3094: mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
3095: one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
3096: different way ...
3097: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
3098: %%
3099: Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
3100: %%
3101: Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
3102: no one we know belongs.
3103: %%
3104: Everything you know is wrong!
3105: %%
3106: Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
3107: obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
3108: solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
3109: There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
3110: straight lines.
3111: -- R. Buckminster Fuller
3112: %%
3113: Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
3114: %%
3115: Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
3116: %%
3117: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
3118: %%
3119: Excellent time to become a missing person.
3120: %%
3121: Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
3122: acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
3123: -- W. Somerset Maugham
3124: %%
3125: Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
3126: %%
3127: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
3128: %%
3129: Expense Accounts, n.:
3130: Corporate food stamps.
3131: %%
3132: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
3133: -- Olivier
3134: %%
3135: Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
3136: mistake when you make it again.
3137: -- F. P. Jones
3138: %%
3139: Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
3140: the instruction afterward.
3141: %%
3142: Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
3143: ones.
3144: %%
3145: Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
3146: %%
3147: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
3148: %%
3149: F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
3150: %%
3151: FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
3152: the little hand is on the ....
3153: %%
3154: FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
3155:
3156: Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
3157: liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
3158: light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
3159: drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
3160: %%
3161: Fairy Tale, n.:
3162: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
3163: %%
3164: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
3165: without looking to see whether the seeds move.
3166: %%
3167: Faith, n:
3168: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
3169: untrue.
3170: %%
3171: Fakir, n:
3172: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
3173: religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
3174: have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
3175: %%
3176: Familiarity breeds attempt
3177: %%
3178: Families, when a child is born
3179: Want it to be intelligent.
3180: I, through intelligence,
3181: Having wrecked my whole life,
3182: Only hope the baby will prove
3183: Ignorant and stupid.
3184: Then he will crown a tranquil life
3185: By becoming a Cabinet Minister
3186: -- Su Tung-p'o
3187: %%
3188: Famous last words:
3189: %%
3190: Famous last words:
3191: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
3192: 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3193: 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
3194: 4. We won't need reservations.
3195: 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
3196: 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
3197: 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
3198: %%
3199: Famous last words:
3200: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
3201: 2) "You and what army?"
3202: 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
3203: a cop."
3204: %%
3205: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
3206: Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
3207: Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
3208: utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
3209: forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
3210: are a pretty neat idea ...
3211: -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3212: %%
3213: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
3214: every six months.
3215: -- Oscar Wilde
3216: %%
3217: Fats Loves Madelyn
3218: %%
3219: Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
3220: %%
3221: Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
3222: neither will you.
3223: %%
3224: Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
3225: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
3226: Corollary:
3227: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
3228: live.
3229: %%
3230: Fifth Law of Procrastination:
3231: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
3232: there is nothing important to do.
3233: %%
3234: Finagle's Creed:
3235: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
3236: %%
3237: Finagle's First Law:
3238: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
3239: %%
3240: Finagle's Second Law:
3241: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
3242: someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
3243: believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
3244: %%
3245: Finagle's Third Law:
3246: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
3247: beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
3248:
3249: Corollaries:
3250: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
3251: 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
3252: don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
3253: %%
3254: Finagle's fourth Law:
3255: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
3256: makes it worse.
3257: %%
3258: Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
3259: %%
3260: Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
3261: %%
3262: First Law of Bicycling:
3263: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
3264: wind.
3265: %%
3266: First Law of Procrastination:
3267: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
3268: for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
3269: imposed the deadline).
3270: %%
3271: First Law of Socio-Genetics:
3272: Celibacy is not hereditary.
3273: %%
3274: First Rule of History:
3275: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
3276: other.
3277: %%
3278: Flappity, floppity, flip
3279: The mouse on the m"obius strip;
3280: The strip revolved,
3281: The mouse dissolved
3282: In a chronodimensional skip.
3283: %%
3284: Flon's Law:
3285: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
3286: the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
3287: %%
3288: Flugg's Law:
3289: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
3290: world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
3291: %%
3292: For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
3293: %%
3294: For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
3295: always old-fashioned.
3296: %%
3297: For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
3298: and wrong.
3299: -- H. L. Mencken
3300: %%
3301: For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
3302: -- R. Clopton
3303: %%
3304: For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
3305: "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
3306: -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
3307: the U.S.
3308: %%
3309: For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
3310: %%
3311: "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
3312: a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
3313: computers altogether?"
3314: -- Jehan Shuman
3315: %%
3316: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
3317: like.
3318: -- Abraham Lincoln
3319: %%
3320: For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
3321: I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
3322: But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
3323: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
3324: -- Justin Richardson.
3325: %%
3326: Forgetfulness, n.:
3327: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
3328: destitution of conscience.
3329: %%
3330: Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
3331:
3332: Don't Write On Walls!
3333:
3334: (and underneath)
3335:
3336: You want I should type?
3337: %%
3338: Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
3339: Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
3340: impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
3341: clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
3342: exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
3343:
3344: DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
3345: having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
3346: HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
3347: DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
3348: is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
3349: large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
3350: amounts of fertilization.
3351: HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
3352: teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
3353: %%
3354: Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
3355: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
3356: instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
3357: Corollary:
3358: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
3359: except study for that instructor's course.
3360: %%
3361: Fourth Law of Revision:
3362: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
3363: interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
3364: you.
3365: %%
3366: Fresco's Discovery:
3367: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
3368: %%
3369: Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
3370: Let me clue you in;
3371: I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
3372: The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
3373: The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
3374: Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
3375: If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
3376: And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
3377: Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
3378: So are they all, all cool cats, --
3379: Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
3380: %%
3381: Frisbeetarianism, n.:
3382: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
3383: gets stuck.
3384: %%
3385: Frobnicate, v.:
3386: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
3387: Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
3388: frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
3389: sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
3390: manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
3391: search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
3392: turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
3393: he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
3394: screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
3395: turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
3396: %%
3397: From too much love of living,
3398: From hope and fear set free,
3399: We thank with brief thanksgiving,
3400: Whatever gods may be,
3401: That no life lives forever,
3402: That dead men rise up never,
3403: That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
3404: -- Swinburne
3405: %%
3406: Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
3407: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
3408: %%
3409: Furbling, v.:
3410: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
3411: even when you are the only person in line.
3412: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3413: %%
3414: Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
3415: -- H. H. Williams
3416: %%
3417: Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
3418: %%
3419: G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
3420: of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
3421: secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
3422: `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
3423: And that's your chance, my boy."
3424: %%
3425: GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
3426: Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
3427: you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy
3428: praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
3429: sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
3430: room.
3431: %%
3432: //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
3433: %%
3434: Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
3435: %%
3436: Garter, n.:
3437: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
3438: stockings and desolating the country.
3439: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3440: %%
3441: Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
3442: on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
3443: -- Adventures of Asterix.
3444: %%
3445: Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
3446:
3447: Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
3448: than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
3449: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
3450: Obvious, isn't it?
3451: Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
3452: speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
3453: long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
3454: your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
3455: so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
3456: individuals and then grow ...
3457: Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
3458: signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
3459: everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
3460: the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
3461: backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
3462: think not, my friend, I think not.
3463: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3464: %%
3465: Genderplex, n.:
3466: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
3467: determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
3468: tortoises).
3469: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3470: %%
3471: Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
3472: you should.
3473: %%
3474: Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
3475: handicapped.
3476: -- Elbert Hubbard
3477: %%
3478: Genius, n.:
3479: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
3480: "bright".
3481: %%
3482: George Orwell was an optimist.
3483: %%
3484: Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
3485: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
3486: direction.
3487: 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3488: 3. The energy required to change either one of these states
3489: will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
3490: much as to make the task totally impossible.
3491: %%
3492: Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
3493: %%
3494: Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
3495: %%
3496: Ginsberg's Theorem:
3497: 1. You can't win.
3498: 2. You can't break even.
3499: 3. You can't even quit the game.
3500:
3501: Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
3502:
3503: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
3504: meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
3505: Theorem. To wit:
3506:
3507: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
3508: 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
3509: even.
3510: 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
3511: game.
3512: %%
3513: Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
3514: to stand, and I will drain the world.
3515: %%
3516: Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
3517: %%
3518: Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
3519: a new town.
3520: %%
3521: Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
3522: %%
3523: Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
3524: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
3525: probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
3526: some useful work done.
3527: %%
3528: Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
3529: be in owning a piece thereof.
3530: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
3531: %%
3532: Go 'way! You're bothering me!
3533: %%
3534: God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
3535: and then pulled an all-nighter.
3536: %%
3537: "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
3538:
3539: Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
3540: at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
3541: saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
3542: though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
3543: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3544: %%
3545: God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
3546: The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
3547: not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
3548: ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
3549: smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
3550: water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
3551: the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
3552: night!
3553: -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
3554: %%
3555: God is Dead
3556: -- Nietzsche
3557: Nietzsche is Dead
3558: -- God
3559: Nietzsche is God
3560: -- The Dead
3561: %%
3562: God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
3563: %%
3564: God is a polythiest
3565: %%
3566: God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
3567: %%
3568: God is real, unless declared integer.
3569: %%
3570: God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
3571: elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
3572: other things.
3573: -- Pablo Picasso
3574: %%
3575: God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
3576: -- Alfred Jarry
3577: %%
3578: God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
3579: %%
3580: God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
3581: %%
3582: God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
3583: -- Mark Twain
3584: %%
3585: God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
3586: -- Kronecker
3587: %%
3588: God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
3589: %%
3590: God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
3591: -- Albert Einstein
3592: %%
3593: God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
3594: %%
3595: God rest ye CS students now,
3596: Let nothing you dismay.
3597: The VAX is down and won't be up,
3598: Until the first of May.
3599: The program that was due this morn,
3600: Won't be postponed, they say.
3601:
3602: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
3603: Comfort and joy,
3604: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
3605:
3606: The bearings on the drum are gone,
3607: The disk is wobbling, too.
3608: We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
3609: Can't tell false from true.
3610: And now we find that we can't get
3611: At Berkeley's 4.2.
3612:
3613: (chorus)
3614: %%
3615: Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
3616: school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
3617: person a car.
3618: %%
3619: Gold, n.:
3620: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
3621: is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
3622: immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
3623: hasn't done anything to them.
3624: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
3625: %%
3626: Goldenstern's Rules:
3627: 1. Always hire a rich attorney
3628: 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
3629: %%
3630: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
3631: example.
3632: -- La Rouchefoucauld
3633: %%
3634: Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
3635: %%
3636: Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
3637: %%
3638: Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
3639: %%
3640: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
3641: %%
3642: Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
3643: %%
3644: Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
3645: %%
3646: Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
3647: %%
3648: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
3649: new lover.
3650: %%
3651: Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
3652: -- George Saunders' dying words
3653: %%
3654: Got Mole problems?
3655: Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
3656: %%
3657: Goto, n.:
3658: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
3659: to complain about unstructured programmers.
3660: -- Ray Simard
3661: %%
3662: Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
3663: as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
3664:
3665: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
3666: Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
3667: Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
3668: "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
3669: Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
3670: Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
3671: Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
3672: goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
3673: Jews won't go near them ..."
3674: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3675: %%
3676: Grabel's Law:
3677: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
3678: %%
3679: Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
3680: %%
3681: Grandpa Charnock's Law:
3682: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
3683: %%
3684: Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
3685: %%
3686: Gray's Law of Programming:
3687: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
3688: time as `_n' tasks.
3689:
3690: Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
3691: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
3692: %%
3693: Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
3694: tickets.
3695: %%
3696: Greener's Law:
3697: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
3698: %%
3699: Grelb's Reminder:
3700: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
3701: average drivers.
3702: %%
3703: "Grub first, then ethics."
3704: -- Bertolt Brecht
3705: %%
3706: Gyroscope, n.:
3707: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
3708: free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
3709: other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
3710: mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
3711: other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
3712: offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
3713: torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
3714: -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
3715: %%
3716: H. L. Mencken's Law:
3717: Those who can -- do.
3718: Those who can't -- teach.
3719:
3720: Martin's Extension:
3721: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
3722: %%
3723: HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
3724: SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
3725: -- Walt Kelley
3726: %%
3727: Hacker's Law:
3728: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
3729: a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
3730: %%
3731: Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
3732: %%
3733: Hail to the sun god
3734: He sure is a fun god
3735: Ra! Ra! Ra!
3736: %%
3737: Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
3738: %%
3739: Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
3740: crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
3741: between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
3742: the the difference between life and death.
3743: You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
3744: there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
3745: airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
3746: Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
3747: Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
3748: about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
3749: man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
3750: Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
3751: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3752: %%
3753: Hall's Laws of Politics:
3754: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
3755: (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
3756: fixed.
3757: (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
3758: military spending, and conservatives social spending in
3759: their own districts).
3760: %%
3761: Hand, n.:
3762: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
3763: commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
3764: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3765: %%
3766: Hanlon's Razor:
3767: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
3768: stupidity.
3769: %%
3770: Hanson's Treatment of Time:
3771: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
3772: before Saturday.
3773: %%
3774: Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
3775: -- Ogden Nash
3776: %%
3777: Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
3778: -- Oscar Levant
3779: %%
3780: Happiness, n.:
3781: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
3782: another.
3783: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3784: %%
3785: Hardware, n.:
3786: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
3787: %%
3788: Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
3789: The Duke is fond of kittens
3790: He likes to take their insides out
3791: And use them for his mittens
3792: From "The Thirteen Clocks"
3793: %%
3794: Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
3795: Advertising wondrous things.
3796: -- Tom Leher
3797: %%
3798: Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
3799: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
3800: equipment ruined.
3801: %%
3802: Harris's Lament:
3803: All the good ones are taken.
3804: %%
3805: Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
3806: makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
3807: famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
3808: probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
3809: have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
3810: enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
3811: attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
3812: down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
3813: just like Richard Nixon."
3814: -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
3815: %%
3816: Hartley's First Law:
3817: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
3818: on his back, you've got something.
3819: %%
3820: Hartley's Second Law:
3821: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
3822: %%
3823: Harvard Law:
3824: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
3825: temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
3826: organism will do as it damn well pleases.
3827: %%
3828: Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
3829: typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
3830: keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
3831: of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
3832: not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
3833: %%
3834: Hatred, n.:
3835: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
3836: superiority.
3837: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3838: %%
3839: Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
3840: you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
3841: for play?
3842: %%
3843: Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
3844: crack in your sidewalk?
3845: %%
3846: He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
3847: heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
3848: of ever behaving "normally."
3849: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
3850: %%
3851: He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
3852: -- Oscar Wilde
3853: %%
3854: "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
3855: -- Mark Twain
3856: %%
3857: He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
3858: %%
3859: He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
3860: -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
3861: %%
3862: He thought he saw an albatross
3863: That fluttered 'round the lamp.
3864: He looked again and saw it was
3865: A penny postage stamp.
3866: "You'd best be getting home," he said,
3867: "The nights are rather damp."
3868: %%
3869: "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
3870: eyes ..."
3871: %%
3872: He who Laughs, Lasts.
3873: %%
3874: He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
3875: attacks democracy itself.
3876: -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
3877: %%
3878: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
3879: %%
3880: Heaven, n.:
3881: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
3882: their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
3883: expound your own.
3884: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3885: %%
3886: Heavy, adj.:
3887: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
3888: %%
3889: "Heisenberg may have slept here"
3890: %%
3891: Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
3892: -- Milton Friedman
3893: %%
3894: Heller's Law:
3895: The first myth of management is that it exists.
3896:
3897: Johnson's Corollary:
3898: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
3899: organization.
3900: %%
3901: Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
3902: %%
3903: Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
3904: %%
3905: Her locks an ancient lady gave
3906: Her loving husband's life to save;
3907: And men -- they honored so the dame --
3908: Upon some stars bestowed her name.
3909:
3910: But to our modern married fair,
3911: Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
3912: No stellar recognition's given.
3913: There are not stars enough in heaven.
3914: %%
3915: Here I sit, broken-hearted,
3916: All logged in, but work unstarted.
3917: First net.this and net.that,
3918: And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
3919:
3920: The boss comes by, and I play the game,
3921: Then I turn back to net.flame.
3922: Is there a cure (I need your views),
3923: For someone trapped in net.news?
3924:
3925: I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
3926: 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
3927: %%
3928: "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
3929: Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
3930: %%
3931: Here in my heart, I am Helen;
3932: I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
3933: I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
3934: I'm Salome, moon of the East.
3935:
3936: Here in my soul I am Sappho;
3937: Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
3938: In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
3939: With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
3940:
3941: I'm all of the glamorous ladies
3942: At whose beckoning history shook.
3943: But you are a man, and see only my pan,
3944: So I stay at home with a book.
3945: -- Dorothy Parker
3946: %%
3947: Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
3948: lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
3949: your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
3950: Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
3951: pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
3952: but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
3953: important electrical lesson.
3954:
3955: It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
3956: your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
3957: objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
3958: attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
3959: collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
3960: friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
3961: carpet, thus completing the circuit.
3962:
3963: Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
3964: touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
3965: finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
3966: have carpeting.
3967: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
3968: %%
3969: "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
3970: %%
3971: He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
3972: there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
3973: %%
3974: "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
3975: %%
3976: Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
3977: then they'd be algorithms.
3978: %%
3979: "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
3980: -- W. C. Fields
3981: %%
3982: Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
3983: reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
3984: nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
3985: %%
3986: Higgeldy Piggeldy,
3987: Hamlet of Elsinore
3988: Ruffled the critics by
3989: Dropping this bomb:
3990: "Phooey on Freud and his
3991: Psychoanalysis --
3992: Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
3993: I just loved Mom."
3994: %%
3995: Hindsight is an exact science.
3996: %%
3997: Hippogriff, n.:
3998: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
3999: The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
4000: The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
4001: is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
4002: of surprises.
4003: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4004: %%
4005: Hire the morally handicapped.
4006: %%
4007: "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
4008: -- Foghorn Leghorn
4009: %%
4010: "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
4011: %%
4012: History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
4013: %%
4014: Hlade's Law:
4015: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
4016: will find an easier way to do it.
4017: %%
4018: Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
4019: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
4020: out.
4021: %%
4022: Hofstadter's Law:
4023: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
4024: Hofstadter's Law into account.
4025: %%
4026: Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
4027: -- Rex Reed
4028: %%
4029: "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
4030: %%
4031: Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
4032: -- F. M. Hubbard
4033: %%
4034: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
4035: %%
4036: Honk if you love peace and quiet.
4037: %%
4038: Honorable, adj.:
4039: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
4040: bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
4041: honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
4042: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4043: %%
4044: Horngren's Observation:
4045: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
4046: %%
4047: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
4048: people.
4049: -- W. C. Fields
4050: %%
4051: How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
4052: %%
4053: How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
4054: %%
4055: How come wrong numbers are never busy?
4056: %%
4057: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
4058: -- Elliot, "E.T."
4059: %%
4060: How doth the VAX's C compiler
4061: Improve its object code.
4062: And even as we speak does it
4063: Increase the system load.
4064:
4065: How patiently it seems to run
4066: And spit out error flags,
4067: While users, with frustration, all
4068: Tear their clothes to rags.
4069: %%
4070: How doth the VAX's C-compiler
4071: Improve its object code.
4072: And even as we speak does it
4073: Increase the system load.
4074:
4075: How patiently it seems to run
4076: And spit out error flags,
4077: While users, with frustration, all
4078: Tear all their clothes to rags.
4079: %%
4080: How doth the little crocodile
4081: Improve his shining tail,
4082: And pour the waters of the Nile
4083: On every golden scale!
4084:
4085: How cheerfully he seems to grin,
4086: How neatly spreads his claws,
4087: And welcomes little fishes in,
4088: With gently smiling jaws!
4089: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
4090: %%
4091: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
4092: on.
4093: %%
4094: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4095:
4096: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
4097: the way.
4098: %%
4099: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4100: None: "We'll fix it in software."
4101:
4102: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4103: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
4104:
4105: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4106: None: "The user can work it out."
4107: %%
4108: How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
4109: Dayton?
4110: -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
4111: %%
4112: How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
4113: %%
4114: Howe's Law:
4115: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
4116: %%
4117: However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
4118: manner ... sulking and nausea.
4119: -- Tom K. Ryan
4120: %%
4121: Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
4122: %%
4123: Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
4124: 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
4125: operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
4126: catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
4127: his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
4128: the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
4129: Nobel Prize.
4130: %%
4131: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
4132: %%
4133: "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
4134: -- William Gilbert
4135: %%
4136: Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
4137: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
4138: to ..... to ........ uh ..............
4139: %%
4140: I am changing my name to Crysler
4141: I am going down to Washington, D.C.
4142: I will tell some power broker
4143: What they did for Iacocca
4144: Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
4145: I am changing my name to Chrysler,
4146: I am heading for that great receiving line.
4147: When they hand a million grand out,
4148: I'll be standing with my hand out,
4149: Yessir, I'll get mine!
4150: %%
4151: I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
4152: pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
4153: you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
4154: atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
4155: inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
4156: -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
4157: %%
4158: "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
4159: -- Paul McCracken
4160: %%
4161: I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
4162: -- Gloria Steinem
4163: %%
4164: "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
4165: -- English Professor
4166: %%
4167: I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
4168: great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
4169: -- Winston Churchill
4170: %%
4171: "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
4172: has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
4173: --English Professor, Ohio University
4174: %%
4175: I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
4176: %%
4177: I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
4178: -- G. K. Chesterton
4179: %%
4180: I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
4181: -- Will Rogers
4182: %%
4183: I bet the human brain is a kludge.
4184: -- Marvin Minsky
4185: %%
4186: I can resist anything but temptation.
4187: %%
4188: I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
4189: -- Lillian Hellman
4190: %%
4191: I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
4192:
4193: What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
4194: grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
4195: of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
4196: United States would have lost World War II."
4197: -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
4198: %%
4199: I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
4200: -- Joe Walsh
4201: %%
4202: I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
4203: -- Isaac Asimov
4204: %%
4205: I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
4206: with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
4207: -- Galileo Galilei
4208: %%
4209: I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
4210: -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
4211: %%
4212: I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
4213: don't believe in astrology.
4214: -- James R. F. Quirk
4215: %%
4216: "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
4217: nominating"
4218: -- Boss Tweed
4219: %%
4220: "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
4221: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
4222: %%
4223: I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
4224: waiting to abuse me.
4225: --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
4226: %%
4227: I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
4228: eat it, and I just hate it.
4229: -- Clarence Darrow
4230: %%
4231: I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
4232: %%
4233: I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
4234: on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
4235: he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
4236: becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
4237: -- George Bernard Shaw
4238: %%
4239: "I drink to make other people interesting."
4240: -- George Jean Nathan
4241: %%
4242: I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the
4243: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
4244: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
4245: can't be measured in monetary terms.
4246:
4247: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
4248: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
4249: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
4250: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
4251: understand his long delay.
4252: %%
4253: I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
4254: accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
4255: the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
4256: can't be measured in monetary terms.
4257:
4258: Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
4259: that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
4260: subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
4261: someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
4262: understand his long delay.
4263: %%
4264: I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
4265: -- Mae West
4266: %%
4267: I get up each morning, gather my wits.
4268: Pick up the paper, read the obits.
4269: If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
4270: So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
4271:
4272: Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
4273: My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
4274: But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
4275: And think of the places my get-up has been.
4276: -- Pete Seeger
4277: %%
4278: I hate quotations.
4279: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
4280: %%
4281: I have a simple philosophy:
4282:
4283: Fill what's empty.
4284: Empty what's full.
4285: Scratch where it itches.
4286: -- A. R. Longworth
4287: %%
4288: I have learned
4289: To spell hors d'oeuvres
4290: Which still grates on
4291: Some people's n'oeuvres.
4292: -- Warren Knox
4293: %%
4294: I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that
4295: I have never made one.
4296: -- James Gordon Bennett
4297: %%
4298: I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
4299: make it shorter.
4300: -- Blaise Pascal
4301: %%
4302: I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
4303: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
4304: %%
4305: I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
4306: -- Oscar Wilde
4307: %%
4308: I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
4309: %%
4310: I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
4311: %%
4312: "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
4313: -- Bill Hoest
4314: %%
4315: "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
4316: World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
4317: -- Albert Einstein
4318: %%
4319: I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
4320: -- Art Leo
4321: %%
4322: I like work ...
4323: I can sit and watch it for hours.
4324: %%
4325: I like your game but we have to change the rules.
4326: %%
4327: "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
4328: -- Ashleigh Brilliant
4329: %%
4330: "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
4331: week sometimes to make it up."
4332: -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
4333: %%
4334: I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
4335: %%
4336: I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
4337: was to go away.
4338: %%
4339: I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
4340: %%
4341: I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
4342: slob.
4343: -- William F. Buckley
4344: %%
4345: I really hate this damned machine
4346: I wish that they would sell it.
4347: It never does quite what I want
4348: But only what I tell it.
4349: %%
4350: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
4351: %%
4352: I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
4353: I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
4354: Bernoulli would have been content to die
4355: Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
4356: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4357: %%
4358: I sent a letter to the fish,
4359: I told them, "This is what I wish."
4360: The little fishes of the sea,
4361: They sent an answer back to me.
4362: The little fishes' answer was
4363: "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
4364: I sent a letter back to say
4365: It would be better to obey.
4366: But someone came to me and said
4367: "The little fishes are in bed."
4368: I said to him, and I said it plain
4369: "Then you must wake them up again."
4370: I said it very loud and clear,
4371: I went and shouted in his ear.
4372: But he was very stiff and proud,
4373: He said "You needn't shout so loud."
4374: And he was very proud and stiff,
4375: He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
4376: I took a kettle from the shelf,
4377: I went to wake them up myself.
4378: But when I found the door was locked
4379: I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
4380: And when I found the door was shut,
4381: I tried to turn the handle, But ...
4382:
4383: "Is that all?" asked Alice.
4384: "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
4385: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
4386: %%
4387: I think that I shall never see
4388: A billboard lovely as a tree.
4389: Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
4390: I'll never see a tree at all.
4391: -- Ogden Nash
4392: %%
4393: I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
4394: %%
4395: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
4396: %%
4397: "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
4398: Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
4399: HAW"!!'"
4400: -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
4401: %%
4402: I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
4403: didn't know.
4404: -- Mark Twain
4405: %%
4406: I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
4407: it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
4408: stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
4409: I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
4410: absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
4411: developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
4412: Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
4413: temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
4414: chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
4415: the point where it would not run at all.
4416: -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
4417: Holes and the Fate of Stars"
4418: %%
4419: I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's
4420: a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
4421: -- Gallagher
4422: %%
4423: I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
4424: always worked for me.
4425: -- Hunter S. Thompson
4426: %%
4427: IBM had a PL/I,
4428: Its syntax worse than JOSS;
4429: And everywhere this language went,
4430: It was a total loss.
4431: %%
4432: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
4433: %%
4434: "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
4435: to undo it."
4436: %%
4437: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
4438: %%
4439: "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
4440: snore."
4441: %%
4442: "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
4443: `Y.'"
4444: %%
4445: "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
4446: blender."
4447: %%
4448: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
4449: garage door."
4450: %%
4451: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
4452: Julian to Gregorian."
4453: %%
4454: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
4455: static cling."
4456: %%
4457: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
4458: %%
4459: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
4460: cottage cheese sculpture."
4461: %%
4462: "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
4463: %%
4464: "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
4465: transplant."
4466: %%
4467: "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
4468: %%
4469: "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
4470: %%
4471: "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
4472: came back."
4473: %%
4474: "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
4475: tuned."
4476: %%
4477: "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
4478: need worrying about."
4479: %%
4480: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
4481: %%
4482: Idiot Box, n.:
4483: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
4484: stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
4485: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4486: %%
4487: Idiot, n.:
4488: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
4489: affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
4490: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4491: %%
4492: If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
4493: -- Roy Santoro
4494: %%
4495: If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
4496: %%
4497: If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
4498: %%
4499: If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
4500: Ears.
4501: %%
4502: If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
4503: Heads.
4504: %%
4505: If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
4506: green, baggy skin.
4507: %%
4508: If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
4509: %%
4510: If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
4511: invent it.
4512: %%
4513: If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
4514: hands.
4515: %%
4516: If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
4517: %%
4518: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
4519: -- Yiddish saying
4520: %%
4521: If I don't drive around the park,
4522: I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
4523: If I'm in bed each night by ten,
4524: I may get back my looks again.
4525: If I abstain from fun and such,
4526: I'll probably amount to much;
4527: But I shall stay the way I am,
4528: Because I do not give a damn.
4529: -- Dorothy Parker
4530: %%
4531: If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
4532: plantation and go home.
4533: -- Eugene P. Gallagher
4534: %%
4535: If I had any humility I would be perfect.
4536: -- Ted Turner
4537: %%
4538: "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
4539: -- Albert Einstein
4540: %%
4541: If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
4542:
4543: On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
4544: also a psychological interaction.
4545:
4546: The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
4547: friendly.
4548:
4549: The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
4550: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
4551: %%
4552: If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
4553: As Dame Fortune did intend,
4554: Murphy would be there to tell me
4555: The pot's at the other end.
4556: -- Bert Whitney
4557: %%
4558: If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
4559: They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
4560: of it.
4561: -- Thomas Carlyle
4562: %%
4563: If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
4564: %%
4565: If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
4566: passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
4567: -- T. Cheatham
4568: %%
4569: If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
4570: him up.
4571: %%
4572: If all be true that I do think,
4573: There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
4574: Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
4575: Or lest we should be by-and-by,
4576: Or any other reason why.
4577: %%
4578: If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
4579: error.
4580: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
4581: %%
4582: If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
4583: -- Paul Beatty
4584: %%
4585: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
4586: conclusion.
4587: -- William Baumol
4588: %%
4589: If an S and an I and an O and a U
4590: With an X at the end spell Su;
4591: And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
4592: Pray what is a speller to do?
4593: Then, if also an S and an I and a G
4594: And an HED spell side,
4595: There's nothing much left for a speller to do
4596: But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
4597: -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
4598: %%
4599: If anything can go wrong, it will.
4600: %%
4601: If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
4602: %%
4603: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
4604: %%
4605: If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
4606: tellers?
4607: %%
4608: "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
4609: %%
4610: If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
4611: %%
4612: If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
4613: %%
4614: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
4615: %%
4616: If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
4617: %%
4618: If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
4619: %%
4620: If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
4621: you've got in the house.
4622: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4623: %%
4624: If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
4625: the page number.
4626: %%
4627: If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
4628: %%
4629: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
4630: in my name at a Swiss bank.
4631: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
4632: %%
4633: If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
4634: %%
4635: If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
4636: having to accomplish anything.
4637: %%
4638: If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
4639: arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
4640: physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
4641: entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
4642: -- Vannevar Bush
4643: %%
4644: If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
4645: harder.
4646: -- Pope John Paul I
4647: %%
4648: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
4649: me!"
4650: -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
4651: %%
4652: If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
4653: -- Norm Schryer
4654: %%
4655: If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
4656: get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
4657: See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
4658: the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
4659: that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
4660: college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
4661: and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
4662: rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
4663: Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
4664: interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
4665: opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
4666: himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
4667: boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
4668: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
4669: %%
4670: If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
4671: are 50-50 it will.
4672: %%
4673: If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
4674: the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
4675: bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
4676: exceed all expectations.
4677: -- Reverend Chichester
4678: %%
4679: If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
4680: %%
4681: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
4682: will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
4683: %%
4684: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
4685: -- Art Hoppe
4686: %%
4687: If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
4688: %%
4689: If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
4690: %%
4691: If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
4692: doing the thinking.
4693: -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
4694: %%
4695: If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
4696: headed.
4697: %%
4698: If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
4699: in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
4700: qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
4701: -- Marguerite Emmons
4702: %%
4703: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
4704: -- J. Paul Getty
4705: %%
4706: If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
4707: %%
4708: If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
4709: %%
4710: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
4711: -- Harry S Truman
4712: %%
4713: If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
4714: call.
4715: %%
4716: If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
4717: %%
4718: If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
4719: %%
4720: If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
4721: %%
4722: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
4723: will.
4724: %%
4725: If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
4726: will always do it.
4727: -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
4728: %%
4729: "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
4730: make the rubble bounce"
4731: -- Winston Churchill
4732: %%
4733: If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
4734: %%
4735: If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
4736: %%
4737: "If you have to hate, hate gently"
4738: %%
4739: If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
4740: -- Graham Summer
4741: %%
4742: If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
4743: really make them think they'll hate you.
4744: %%
4745: If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
4746: -- Maslow
4747: %%
4748: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
4749: can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
4750: develop.
4751: %%
4752: If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
4753: you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
4754: -- Mark Twain
4755: %%
4756: If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
4757: you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
4758: ice, but no cup.
4759: %%
4760: If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
4761: this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
4762: somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
4763: %%
4764: If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
4765: -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
4766: %%
4767: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
4768: tomorrow!
4769: %%
4770: If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
4771: payments.
4772: -- Earl Wilson
4773: %%
4774: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
4775: shopping center in the world?
4776: -- Richard M. Nixon
4777: %%
4778: If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
4779: shopping center in the world?
4780: -- Richard Nixon
4781: %%
4782: If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
4783: be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
4784: you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
4785: another party next year.
4786:
4787: What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
4788: several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
4789: been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
4790: avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
4791: parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
4792: having another one ...
4793:
4794: If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
4795: your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
4796: through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
4797: that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
4798: someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
4799: %%
4800: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
4801: word you say, talk in your sleep.
4802: %%
4803: "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
4804: memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
4805: it, even if they don't know what it means."
4806: -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
4807: %%
4808: If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
4809: tomorrow morning, sleep late.
4810: -- Henny Youngman
4811: %%
4812: If you're happy, you're successful.
4813: %%
4814: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
4815: %%
4816: If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
4817: -- Benjamin Disraeli
4818: %%
4819: If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
4820: off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
4821: universe?
4822: %%
4823: If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
4824: -- Ronald Reagan
4825: %%
4826: Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
4827: Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
4828: Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
4829: Et le m^omerade horgrave.
4830: -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
4831: %%
4832: I'll grant the random access to my heart,
4833: Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
4834: And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
4835: And in our bound partition never part.
4836: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4837: %%
4838: Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
4839: land He's trying to ignore.
4840: %%
4841: I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
4842: N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
4843: I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
4844: She's traversed me seven times before.
4845: And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
4846: Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
4847: I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
4848: N-ary the tree I am, I am,
4849: N-ary the tree I am.
4850: %%
4851: I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
4852: man.
4853: %%
4854: I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
4855: sister.
4856: %%
4857: I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
4858: die in.
4859: -- George McGovern
4860: %%
4861: I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
4862: -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
4863: %%
4864: I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
4865: It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
4866: %%
4867: I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
4868: life.
4869: %%
4870: I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
4871: soon ...
4872: %%
4873: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
4874: I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
4875: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
4876: I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
4877: -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
4878: %%
4879: Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
4880: -- Jules de Gaultier
4881: %%
4882: Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
4883: a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
4884: storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on
4885: voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
4886: What's the first question that the computer community asks?
4887:
4888: "Is it PC compatible?"
4889: %%
4890: Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
4891: -- Edgar A. Shoaff
4892: %%
4893: Impartial, adj.:
4894: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
4895: espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
4896: conflicting opinions.
4897: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4898: %%
4899: Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
4900: mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
4901: Boss is reading it.
4902: %%
4903: In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
4904: of the risks he takes.
4905: -- Adlai Stevenson
4906: %%
4907: In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
4908: resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
4909: inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
4910: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4911: %%
4912: In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
4913: programming languages.
4914: %%
4915: In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
4916: into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
4917: between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
4918: will only make it mushy.
4919: -- Mark Twain
4920: %%
4921: In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
4922: Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
4923: Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
4924: We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
4925: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4926: %%
4927: In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
4928: we can't control when the five year period will begin.
4929: %%
4930: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
4931: incompetency
4932: -- The Peter Principle
4933: %%
4934: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
4935: are to be treated as variables.
4936: %%
4937: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
4938: will be temporarily canceled.
4939: %%
4940: In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
4941: make it better.
4942: %%
4943: "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
4944: -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
4945: %%
4946: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
4947: intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
4948: from the cares of office.
4949: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4950: %%
4951: "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
4952: %%
4953: [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
4954: could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
4955: that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
4956:
4957: And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
4958: over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
4959: didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
4960: point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
4961: we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
4962:
4963: So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
4964: Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
4965: ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
4966: rolled back.
4967: -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
4968: %%
4969: In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
4970: drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
4971: discotheques.
4972: -- Art Linkletter
4973: %%
4974: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
4975: the proper order then why can't he?
4976: %%
4977: In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
4978: Dead.
4979: -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
4980: %%
4981: In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
4982: -- Alan Perlis
4983: %%
4984: In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
4985: a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
4986: to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
4987: forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
4988: stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
4989: punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
4990: enough to punch you.
4991: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4992: %%
4993: Incumbent, n.:
4994: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
4995: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4996: %%
4997: Information Center, n.:
4998: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
4999: to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
5000: %%
5001: Ingrate, n.:
5002: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
5003: indigestion.
5004: %%
5005: Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
5006: -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
5007: %%
5008: Ink, n.:
5009: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
5010: water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
5011: intellectual crime.
5012: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5013: %%
5014: Innovation is hard to schedule.
5015: -- Dan Fylstra
5016: %%
5017: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
5018: %%
5019: Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
5020: salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
5021: %%
5022: Interpreter, n.:
5023: One who enables two persons of different languages to
5024: understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
5025: the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
5026: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5027: %%
5028: Iron Law of Distribution:
5029: Them that has, gets.
5030: %%
5031: Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
5032: meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
5033: soap bubble?
5034: %%
5035: Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
5036: beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
5037: out, and such as are out wish to get in?
5038: -- Ralph Emerson
5039: %%
5040: Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
5041: %%
5042: Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
5043: tellers take economists seriously?
5044: %%
5045: Issawi's Laws of Progress:
5046:
5047: The Course of Progress:
5048: Most things get steadily worse.
5049:
5050: The Path of Progress:
5051: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
5052: %%
5053: It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
5054: thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
5055: drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
5056: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5057: %%
5058: It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
5059: %%
5060: It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
5061: program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
5062: organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
5063: self-critical?
5064: -- Alan Perlis
5065: %%
5066: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
5067: pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
5068: sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
5069: -- Voltaire
5070: %%
5071: It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
5072: %%
5073: It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
5074: benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
5075: to use either.
5076: -- Mark Twain
5077: %%
5078: It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
5079: incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
5080: twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
5081: -- R. Serling
5082: %%
5083: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
5084: lightly greased."
5085: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
5086: %%
5087: It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
5088: versa.
5089: %%
5090: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
5091: %%
5092: It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
5093: one.
5094: %%
5095: It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
5096: if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
5097: people.
5098: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
5099: %%
5100: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
5101: ingenious.
5102: %%
5103: It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
5104: desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
5105: -- Woody Allen
5106: %%
5107: It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
5108: problem.
5109: %%
5110: It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
5111: -- Gore Vidal
5112: %%
5113: It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
5114: damn thing over and over.
5115: -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
5116: %%
5117: It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
5118: -- Elizabeth Carpenter
5119: %%
5120: It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
5121: pit.
5122: %%
5123: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
5124: virginity could be a virtue.
5125: -- Voltaire
5126: %%
5127: It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
5128: lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
5129: high as the eagle?
5130: %%
5131: It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
5132: statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
5133: glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
5134: which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
5135: day, that is the highest of arts.
5136: -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
5137: %%
5138: It is the business of little minds to shrink.
5139: -- Carl Sandburg
5140: %%
5141: It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
5142: -- Hawkwind
5143: %%
5144: It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
5145: %%
5146: It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
5147: warning to others.
5148: %%
5149: It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
5150: flag.
5151: %%
5152: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
5153: but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
5154: %%
5155: It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
5156: %%
5157: "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
5158: I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
5159: don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
5160: the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
5161: charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
5162: novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
5163: yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
5164: man a lifetime."
5165: -- Thomas Aldrich
5166: %%
5167: It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
5168: the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
5169: %%
5170: "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
5171: hour!"
5172: -- Macy's
5173: %%
5174: It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
5175: -- Andrew Jackson
5176: %%
5177: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
5178: -- Andrew W. Mathis
5179: %%
5180: "It's easier said than done."
5181:
5182: ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
5183: said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
5184: said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
5185: done".
5186: %%
5187: It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
5188: %%
5189: It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
5190: being right.
5191: %%
5192: It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
5193: is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
5194: isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
5195: -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
5196: %%
5197: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
5198: direction.
5199: %%
5200: "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
5201: -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
5202: %%
5203: It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
5204: -- Phil White
5205: %%
5206: It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
5207: -- Alexander Korda
5208: %%
5209: It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
5210: happens.
5211: -- Woody Allen
5212: %%
5213: It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
5214: %%
5215: Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
5216: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
5217: legislature is in session.
5218: %%
5219: Jenkinson's Law:
5220: It won't work.
5221: %%
5222: Jesus Saves,
5223: Moses Invests,
5224: But only Buddha pays Dividends.
5225: %%
5226: Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
5227: %%
5228: Johnson's First Law:
5229: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
5230: most inconvenient possible time.
5231: %%
5232: Jone's Law:
5233: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
5234: to blame it on.
5235: %%
5236: Jone's Motto:
5237: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
5238: %%
5239: Jones's First Law:
5240: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
5241: endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
5242: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
5243: importance of their original contribution.
5244: %%
5245: Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
5246: knows what it is.
5247: %%
5248: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
5249: %%
5250: "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
5251: immune to bullets"
5252: -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
5253: %%
5254: Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
5255: twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
5256: %%
5257: Justice is incidental to law and order.
5258: -- J. Edgar Hoover
5259: %%
5260: Justice, n.:
5261: A decision in your favor.
5262: %%
5263: Katz' Law:
5264: Man and nations will act rationally when all other
5265: possibilities have been exhausted.
5266: %%
5267: Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
5268: %%
5269: Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
5270: %%
5271: Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
5272: %%
5273: Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
5274: 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
5275: straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
5276: force is technically termed "car suck").
5277: 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
5278: than "Watch this!"
5279: %%
5280: Keep you Eye on the Ball,
5281: Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
5282: Your Nose to the Grindstone,
5283: Your Feet on the Ground,
5284: Your Head on your Shoulders.
5285: Now ... try to get something DONE!
5286: %%
5287: Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
5288: automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
5289: numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
5290: driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
5291: dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
5292: what's wrong."
5293: %%
5294: Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
5295: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
5296: and parking for the faculty.
5297: %%
5298: Kin, n.:
5299: An affliction of the blood
5300: %%
5301: Kinkler's First Law:
5302: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
5303:
5304: Kinkler's Second Law:
5305: All the easy problems have been solved.
5306: %%
5307: "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
5308: %%
5309: Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
5310: %%
5311: Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
5312: %%
5313: Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
5314: %%
5315: Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
5316: %%
5317: Kleptomaniac, n.:
5318: A rich thief.
5319: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5320: %%
5321: Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
5322: %%
5323: Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
5324: -- Henry N. Camp
5325: %%
5326: Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
5327: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
5328: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
5329: %%
5330: LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
5331: Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
5332: Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
5333: you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
5334: fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
5335: a sick sense of humor.
5336: %%
5337: LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
5338:
5339: Dear Sir,
5340:
5341: I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
5342: to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
5343: public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
5344: in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
5345: will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
5346: agricultural industry.
5347:
5348: Yours faithfully,
5349: Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
5350: Sevenoaks
5351: %%
5352: LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
5353: Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
5354: desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
5355: polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
5356: %%
5357: LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
5358: %%
5359: Labor, n.:
5360: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
5361: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5362: %%
5363: Lackland's Laws:
5364: 1. Never be first.
5365: 2. Never be last.
5366: 3. Never volunteer for anything
5367: %%
5368: Lactomangulation, n.:
5369: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
5370: that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
5371: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
5372: %%
5373: Laetrile is the pits
5374: %%
5375: Langsam's Laws:
5376: 1) Everything depends.
5377: 2) Nothing is always.
5378: 3) Everything is sometimes.
5379: %%
5380: Larkinson's Law:
5381: All laws are basically false.
5382: %%
5383: Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
5384: %%
5385: "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
5386: -- Victor Borge
5387: %%
5388: Law of Communications:
5389: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
5390: between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
5391: area of misunderstanding.
5392: %%
5393: Law of Probable Dispersal:
5394: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
5395: distributed.
5396: %%
5397: Law of Selective Gravity:
5398: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
5399:
5400: Jenning's Corollary:
5401: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
5402: directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
5403: %%
5404: Law of the Perversity of Nature:
5405: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
5406: bread to butter.
5407: %%
5408: Laws of Serendipity:
5409:
5410: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
5411: something.
5412: 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
5413: be engaged in making an inferior one.
5414: %%
5415: Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
5416: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
5417: approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
5418: %%
5419: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
5420: %%
5421: Leibowitz's Rule:
5422: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
5423: hold the hammer with both hands.
5424: %%
5425: Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
5426: %%
5427: Let us live!!!
5428: Let us love!!!
5429: Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
5430:
5431: You first.
5432: %%
5433: Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
5434: overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars:
5435: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return
5436: around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours
5437: poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you
5438: can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it
5439: to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his
5440: money.
5441: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
5442: %%
5443: Lewis's Law of Travel:
5444: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
5445: anyone, ever.
5446: %%
5447: Liar, n.:
5448: A lawyer with a roving commission.
5449: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5450: %%
5451: Lie, n.:
5452: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
5453: discovered to date.
5454: %%
5455: Lieberman's Law:
5456: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
5457: %%
5458: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
5459: %%
5460: Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
5461: %%
5462: Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
5463: there is nothing in it.
5464: %%
5465: "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
5466: which I disapprove."
5467: %%
5468: Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
5469: sense from things she found in gift shops.
5470: -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
5471: %%
5472: Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
5473: for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
5474: -- Alan McKay
5475: %%
5476: Limericks are art forms complex,
5477: Their topics run chiefly to sex.
5478: They usually have virgins,
5479: And masculine urgin's,
5480: And other erotic effects.
5481: %%
5482: Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
5483: %%
5484: Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
5485: we should think only about today.
5486: Charlie Brown:
5487: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
5488: better.
5489: %%
5490: Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
5491: around the Sun.
5492: %%
5493: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
5494: before.
5495: %%
5496: Lizzie Borden took an axe,
5497: And plunged it deep into the VAX;
5498: Don't you envy people who
5499: Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
5500: %%
5501: Lockwood's Long Shot:
5502: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
5503: one in a million, but once would be enough.
5504: %%
5505: Look out! Behind you!
5506: %%
5507: Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
5508: %%
5509: Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
5510: world has ever seen.
5511: %%
5512: Love is a word that is constantly heard,
5513: Hate is a word that is not.
5514: Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
5515: Love, I have read, is hot.
5516: But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
5517: And Love but a drug on the mart.
5518: Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
5519: But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
5520: -- Ogden Nash
5521: %%
5522: Love is sentimental measles.
5523: %%
5524: Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
5525: -- H. L. Mencken
5526: %%
5527: Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
5528: to.
5529: %%
5530: Lowery's Law:
5531: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
5532: anyway.
5533: %%
5534: Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
5535: There's always one more bug.
5536: %%
5537: Lunatic Asylum, n.:
5538: The place where optimism most flourishes.
5539: %%
5540: Lysistrata had a good idea.
5541: %%
5542: MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
5543:
5544: Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
5545: 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
5546: 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
5547: Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
5548: Cinnamon
5549:
5550: Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
5551: RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
5552: and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
5553: juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
5554: with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
5555: crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
5556: steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
5557: is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
5558: -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
5559: %%
5560: "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
5561: the smallest amount of thoughts."
5562: -- Winston Churchill
5563: %%
5564: Mad, adj.:
5565: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
5566: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5567: %%
5568: Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
5569: first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
5570: -- W. C. Fields
5571: %%
5572: Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
5573:
5574: Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
5575:
5576: The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
5577: of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
5578: with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
5579: knowledge.
5580: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5581: %%
5582: Magnocartic, adj.:
5583: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
5584: carts.
5585: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
5586: %%
5587: Magpie, n.:
5588: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
5589: might be taught to talk.
5590: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5591: %%
5592: Maier's Law:
5593: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
5594: disposed of.
5595:
5596: Corollaries:
5597: 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
5598: 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
5599: 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
5600: obtain a correspondence with the theory.
5601: %%
5602: Main's Law:
5603: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
5604: program.
5605: %%
5606: Maintainer's Motto:
5607: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
5608: %%
5609: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
5610: as one man.
5611:
5612: Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
5613:
5614: Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
5615: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5616: %%
5617: Majority, n.:
5618: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
5619: %%
5620: Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
5621: tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
5622: has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
5623: the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
5624: -- System V.2 administrator's guide
5625: %%
5626: Malek's Law:
5627: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
5628: %%
5629: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
5630: -- Lily Tomlin
5631: %%
5632: Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
5633: upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
5634: -- Oscar Wilde
5635: %%
5636: Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
5637: only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
5638: -- Wernher von Braun
5639: %%
5640: Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
5641: -- Mark Twain
5642: %%
5643: Man, n.:
5644: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
5645: he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
5646: occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
5647: which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
5648: the whole habitable earth and Canada.
5649: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5650: %%
5651: Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
5652: unless it is an enemy.
5653: -- A. Einstein
5654: %%
5655: Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
5656: dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
5657: man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
5658: air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
5659: primitive umpire.
5660:
5661: What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
5662: mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
5663: -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
5664: %%
5665: Manual, n.:
5666: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
5667: given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
5668: information you need in in the others.
5669: -- Ray Simard
5670: %%
5671: Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
5672: there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
5673: was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
5674: completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
5675: -- Walt Kelly
5676: %%
5677: Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
5678: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
5679: simple yes or no answer.
5680: %%
5681: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
5682: -- Voltaire
5683: %%
5684: "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
5685: %%
5686: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
5687: receipt.
5688: %%
5689: Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
5690: -- Jules Feiffer
5691: %%
5692: May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
5693: %%
5694: May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
5695: %%
5696: May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
5697: %%
5698: May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
5699: Thousand Caramels.
5700: %%
5701: Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
5702: -- R. S. Barton
5703: %%
5704: Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
5705: it.
5706: %%
5707: Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
5708: nativity scene removed:
5709: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
5710: and a virgin in the whole organization."
5711: %%
5712: McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
5713: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
5714: $19.95.
5715: %%
5716: Meader's Law:
5717: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
5718: everyone you know, only more so.
5719: %%
5720: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
5721: %%
5722: Meeting, n.:
5723: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
5724: department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
5725: %%
5726: Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
5727: from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
5728: Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
5729: had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
5730: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
5731: %%
5732: Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
5733: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
5734: %%
5735: Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
5736: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
5737: cork makes when it is popped.
5738: %%
5739: Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
5740: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
5741: %%
5742: Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
5743: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
5744: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
5745: can never hope to acquire it.
5746: %%
5747: Menu, n.:
5748: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
5749: %%
5750: Meskimen's Law:
5751: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
5752: do it over.
5753: %%
5754: Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
5755: %%
5756: Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
5757: %%
5758: Micro Credo:
5759: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
5760: %%
5761: "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
5762: out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
5763: %%
5764: Miksch's Law:
5765: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
5766: %%
5767: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
5768: -- Groucho Marx
5769: %%
5770: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
5771: -- Groucho Marx
5772: %%
5773: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
5774: themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
5775: -- Susan Ertz
5776: %%
5777: Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
5778: politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
5779: and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
5780: are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
5781: rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
5782: the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
5783: Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
5784: Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
5785: Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
5786: black.
5787: -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
5788: %%
5789: Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
5790: is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
5791: myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
5792: the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
5793: unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
5794: will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
5795: dead as a door-nail.
5796: %%
5797: Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
5798: %%
5799: Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
5800: %%
5801: Misfortune, n.:
5802: The kind of fortune that never misses.
5803: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5804: %%
5805: Miss, n.:
5806: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
5807: they are in the market.
5808: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5809: %%
5810: Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
5811: %%
5812: Mitchell's Law of Committees:
5813: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
5814: held to discuss it.
5815: %%
5816: Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
5817: %%
5818: Molecule, n.:
5819: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
5820: from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
5821: closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
5822: matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
5823: atom in that it is an ion ...
5824: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5825: %%
5826: Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
5827: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
5828: it wasn't worth doing.
5829: %%
5830: Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
5831: %%
5832: Monday, n.:
5833: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
5834: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5835: %%
5836: Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
5837: %%
5838: Mophobia, n.:
5839: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
5840: %%
5841: More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
5842: path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
5843: extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
5844: -- Woody Allen
5845: %%
5846: Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
5847: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
5848: be out of a job.
5849: %%
5850: Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
5851: -- Frank Zappa
5852: %%
5853: Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
5854: %%
5855: Mr. Cole's Axiom:
5856: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
5857: population is growing.
5858: %%
5859: Murphy's Discovery:
5860: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
5861: women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
5862: everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months
5863: later, you're in trouble!
5864: %%
5865: Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
5866: work.
5867: %%
5868: Murphy's Law of Research:
5869: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
5870: %%
5871: Mustgo, n.:
5872: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
5873: long it has become a science project.
5874: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
5875: %%
5876: My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
5877: times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
5878: sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
5879: through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
5880: listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
5881: log out again.
5882: %%
5883: My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
5884: And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
5885: The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
5886: And the skies are sunlit for him.
5887: As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
5888: As the fragrance of acacia.
5889: My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
5890: And I wish he were in Asia.
5891: -- Dorothy Parker
5892: %%
5893: My love runs by like a day in June,
5894: And he makes no friends of sorrows.
5895: He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
5896: In the pathway or the morrows.
5897: He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
5898: Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
5899: My own dear love, he is all my heart --
5900: And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
5901: -- Dorothy Parker
5902: %%
5903: My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
5904: %%
5905: My own dear love, he is strong and bold
5906: And he cares not what comes after.
5907: His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
5908: And his eyes are lit with laughter.
5909: He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
5910: Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
5911: My own dear love, he is all my world --
5912: And I wish I'd never met him.
5913: -- Dorothy Parker
5914: %%
5915: "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
5916: %%
5917: Mythology, n.:
5918: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
5919: origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
5920: from the true accounts which it invents later.
5921: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5922: %%
5923: NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
5924: says is wrong.
5925: GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
5926: will be right.
5927: -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
5928: %%
5929: NEWS FLASH!!
5930: Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
5931: German pole-vault champion.
5932: %%
5933: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
5934: %%
5935: Naeser's Law:
5936: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
5937: damnfoolproof.
5938: %%
5939: Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
5940: God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
5941:
5942: It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
5943: Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
5944: %%
5945: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
5946: character, give him power.
5947: -- Abraham Lincoln
5948: %%
5949: Necessity is a mother.
5950: %%
5951: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
5952: %%
5953: Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
5954: %%
5955: Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
5956: %%
5957: Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
5958: %%
5959: Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
5960: with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
5961: change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
5962: fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
5963: have windows.
5964: %%
5965: Never eat more than you can lift.
5966: -- Miss Piggy
5967: %%
5968: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
5969: %%
5970: Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
5971: -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
5972: %%
5973: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
5974: make it complex and wonderful.
5975: %%
5976: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
5977: substance.
5978: -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
5979: %%
5980: Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
5981: %%
5982: Never try to outstubborn a cat.
5983: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5984: %%
5985: Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
5986: supposed to do.
5987: -- R. A. Heinlein
5988: %%
5989: New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
5990: his wife most often reminds him to act it.
5991: -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
5992: %%
5993: New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
5994: %%
5995: New York's got the ways and means;
5996: Just won't let you be.
5997: -- The Grateful Dead
5998: %%
5999: New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
6000: %%
6001: New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
6002: Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
6003: %%
6004: New systems generate new problems.
6005: %%
6006: Newlan's Truism:
6007: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
6008: economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
6009: %%
6010: Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
6011: %%
6012: Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
6013: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
6014: %%
6015: Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
6016: have a lucky day this year.
6017: %%
6018: Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
6019: as an income tax refund.
6020: -- F. J. Raymond
6021: %%
6022: Nihilism should commence with oneself.
6023: %%
6024: Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
6025: correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
6026: (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
6027: Americans call him by value.
6028: %%
6029: Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
6030: Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
6031: Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
6032: Three megs for system source;
6033:
6034: One disk to rule them all,
6035: One disk to bind them,
6036: One disk to hold the files
6037: And in the darkness grind 'em.
6038: %%
6039: Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
6040: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
6041: the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
6042: percent.
6043: %%
6044: No good deed goes unpunished.
6045: -- Clare Boothe Luce
6046: %%
6047: No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
6048: %%
6049: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
6050: -- Eleanor Roosevelt
6051: %%
6052: No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
6053: %%
6054: No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
6055: %%
6056: Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
6057: constructive praise.
6058: %%
6059: Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
6060: Negative expectations yield negative results.
6061: Positive expectations yield negative results.
6062: %%
6063: Noncombatant, n.:
6064: A dead Quaker.
6065: -- Ambrose Bierce
6066: %%
6067: "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
6068: %%
6069: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6070: %%
6071: Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
6072: Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
6073: in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
6074: moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
6075: a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
6076: respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
6077: it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
6078: then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
6079: chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
6080: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
6081: %%
6082: "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
6083: is from the wrong kind of tree."
6084: --Profesoor W.
6085: %%
6086: Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
6087: of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
6088: is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
6089: unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
6090: careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
6091: -- Woody Allen
6092: %%
6093: Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
6094: %%
6095: Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
6096: %%
6097: Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
6098:
6099: To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
6100: the light comes on.
6101: %%
6102: Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
6103: -- Andrew Young
6104: %%
6105: Nothing recedes like success.
6106: -- Walter Winchell
6107: %%
6108: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
6109: love.
6110: -- Charlie Brown
6111: %%
6112: November, n.:
6113: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
6114: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6115: %%
6116: Now I lay me down to sleep
6117: I pray the double lock will keep;
6118: May no brick through the window break,
6119: And, no one rob me till I awake.
6120: %%
6121: Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
6122: %%
6123: Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
6124: %%
6125: "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
6126: -- Walt Kelly
6127: %%
6128: Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
6129: time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
6130: to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
6131: eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
6132: the following questions:
6133:
6134: 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts
6135: a food?
6136: 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
6137: exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
6138: 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
6139: prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
6140: double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
6141: right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
6142: longer.)
6143:
6144: That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
6145: %%
6146: "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
6147: Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
6148: were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
6149: -- "The Begatting of a President"
6150: %%
6151: [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
6152: -- Edwin Meese III
6153: %%
6154: Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
6155: %%
6156: Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
6157: guessing.
6158: %%
6159: O give me a home,
6160: Where the buffalo roam,
6161: Where the deer and the antelope play,
6162: Where seldom is heard
6163: A discouraging word,
6164: 'Cause what can an antelope say?
6165: %%
6166: O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
6167: Murphy was an optimist.
6168: %%
6169: O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
6170: "Murphy was an optimist."
6171: %%
6172: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
6173: -- Plato
6174: %%
6175: "Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
6176: fake?"
6177: %%
6178: Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
6179: %%
6180: Office Automation, n.:
6181: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
6182: you would want to talk with over coffee.
6183: %%
6184: Ogden's Law:
6185: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
6186: up.
6187: %%
6188: Oh don't the days seem lank and long
6189: When all goes right and none goes wrong,
6190: And isn't your life extremely flat
6191: With nothing whatever to grumble at!
6192: %%
6193: Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
6194: %%
6195: Oh, when I was in love with you,
6196: Then I was clean and brave,
6197: And miles around the wonder grew
6198: How well did I behave.
6199:
6200: And now the fancy passes by,
6201: And nothing will remain,
6202: And miles around they'll say that I
6203: Am quite myself again.
6204: -- A. E. Housman
6205: %%
6206: Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
6207: %%
6208: Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
6209: -- Trotsky
6210: %%
6211: Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
6212: %%
6213: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
6214: %%
6215: Oliver's Law:
6216: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
6217: it.
6218: %%
6219: On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
6220: created jerks.
6221: -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
6222: %%
6223: On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
6224:
6225: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
6226: -- Wolfgang Pauli
6227: %%
6228: Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
6229: forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
6230: -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
6231: %%
6232: Once Law was sitting on the bench
6233: And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
6234: "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
6235: Nor come before me creeping.
6236: Upon you knees if you appear,
6237: 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
6238:
6239: Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
6240: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
6241: "Amica curiae," she replied --
6242: "Friend of the court, so please you."
6243: "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
6244: I never saw your face before!"
6245: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6246: %%
6247: Once, adv.:
6248: Enough.
6249: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6250: %%
6251: Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
6252: each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
6253: choice.
6254:
6255: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
6256: called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
6257: and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
6258: passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
6259: Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
6260: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
6261: %%
6262: Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
6263: beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
6264: side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
6265: which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
6266: sky.
6267: -- Rainer Rilke
6268: %%
6269: Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
6270: us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
6271: the smaller prime numbers.
6272:
6273: 2: The Odd Prime --
6274: It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
6275: 3: The True Prime --
6276: Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
6277: 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
6278: Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
6279: in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
6280: received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
6281: next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
6282: at all.
6283:
6284: Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
6285: derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
6286: true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
6287: %%
6288: One Page Principle:
6289: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
6290: paper cannot be understood.
6291: -- Mark Ardis
6292: %%
6293: One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
6294: %%
6295: One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
6296: when well oiled.
6297: %%
6298: One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
6299: never have to stop and answer the phone.
6300: %%
6301: One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
6302: %%
6303: One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
6304: from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
6305: least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
6306: are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
6307: when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
6308: -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
6309: %%
6310: One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
6311: create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
6312: retail."
6313: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
6314: %%
6315: One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
6316: seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
6317: way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
6318: fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
6319: disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
6320: %%
6321: "One planet is all you get."
6322: %%
6323: One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
6324: %%
6325: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
6326: paint.
6327: %%
6328: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
6329: %%
6330: On-line, adj.:
6331: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
6332: computer.
6333: %%
6334: Only God can make random selections.
6335: %%
6336: Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
6337: %%
6338: Optimization hinders evolution.
6339: %%
6340: Oregon, n.:
6341: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
6342: night.
6343: %%
6344: Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
6345: Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
6346: -- Mike Adams
6347: %%
6348: Osborn's Law:
6349: Variables won't; constants aren't.
6350: %%
6351: Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
6352: nails.
6353: %%
6354: Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
6355: Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
6356: in kernel as it is in user!
6357: %%
6358: Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
6359: they charge fifteen cents for them.
6360: %%
6361: Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
6362: -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
6363: %%
6364: Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
6365: %%
6366: Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
6367: %%
6368: Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
6369: %%
6370: Ozman's Laws:
6371: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
6372: won't.
6373: 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
6374: make.
6375: 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
6376: 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
6377: %%
6378: PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
6379: Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
6380: American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today,
6381: as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed.
6382: You will probably get run over by a bus.
6383: %%
6384: PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
6385: solution set.
6386: -- E. W. Dijkstra
6387: %%
6388: PLUNDERER'S THEME
6389: (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
6390:
6391: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
6392: If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
6393: Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
6394: Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
6395: %%
6396: Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
6397: %%
6398: Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
6399: criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
6400: -- D. J. Hicks
6401: %%
6402: Pardo's First Postulate:
6403: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
6404:
6405: Arnold's Addendum:
6406: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
6407: rats.
6408: %%
6409: Parker's Law:
6410: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
6411: %%
6412: Parkinson's Fifth Law:
6413: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
6414: bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
6415: %%
6416: Parkinson's Fourth Law:
6417: The number of people in any working group tends to increase
6418: regardless of the amount of work to be done.
6419: %%
6420: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
6421: %%
6422: Pascal Users:
6423: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
6424: death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
6425: speed.
6426: %%
6427: "Pascal is not a high-level language."
6428: -- Steven Feiner
6429: %%
6430: Pascal, n.:
6431: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
6432: his grave if he knew about it.
6433: %%
6434: Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
6435: -- Eric Hoffer
6436: %%
6437: Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
6438: %%
6439: Paul's Law:
6440: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
6441: save.
6442: %%
6443: Paul's Law:
6444: You can't fall off the floor.
6445: %%
6446: Peace, n.:
6447: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
6448: periods of fighting.
6449: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6450: %%
6451: Peanut Blossoms
6452:
6453: 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
6454: 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
6455: 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
6456: 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
6457: 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
6458:
6459: Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
6460: sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
6461: Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
6462: hell of a lot.
6463: %%
6464: Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
6465: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
6466: it.
6467: %%
6468: People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
6469: the future.
6470: %%
6471: People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
6472: %%
6473: People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
6474: slept in a room with a single mosquito.
6475: %%
6476: People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
6477: haven't what they want that they don't want it.
6478: -- Ogden Nash
6479: %%
6480: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
6481: Benjamin Franklin said it first.
6482: %%
6483: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
6484: %%
6485: Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
6486: "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
6487: -- Aelius Donatus
6488: %%
6489: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
6490: %%
6491: Peter's Law of Substitution:
6492: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
6493: themselves.
6494: %%
6495: Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
6496: exciting Camden, New Jersy.
6497: %%
6498: Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
6499: %%
6500: Pig, n.:
6501: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
6502: by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
6503: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
6504: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6505: %%
6506: Please ignore previous fortune.
6507: %%
6508: Please take note:
6509: %%
6510: Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas'
6511: until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched
6512: out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
6513: and such.
6514: -- N. Meyrowitz
6515: %%
6516: Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
6517: %%
6518: Pohl's law:
6519: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
6520: %%
6521: Police: Good evening, are you the host?
6522: Host: No.
6523: Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
6524: Host: About the drugs?
6525: Police: No.
6526: Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
6527: Police: No, the noise.
6528: Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
6529: or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
6530: background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
6531: The neighbors?
6532: Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
6533: complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
6534: ask the host to quiet things down?
6535: Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
6536: religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
6537: room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
6538: lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
6539: onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
6540: down.
6541: %%
6542: Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
6543: all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
6544: %%
6545: Politician, n.:
6546: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
6547: "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
6548: "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
6549: -- Martin Pitt
6550: %%
6551: Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
6552: to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
6553: %%
6554: Polymer physicists are into chains.
6555: %%
6556: Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
6557: Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
6558: white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
6559: it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
6560: name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
6561: laughter, singing
6562: Half a pound of tuppenny rice
6563: Half a pound of treacle
6564: That's the way the chimney smokes
6565: Pope Goestheveezl
6566: The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
6567: laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
6568: hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
6569: Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
6570: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
6571: %%
6572: Positive, adj.:
6573: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
6574: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6575: %%
6576: Power, n:
6577: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
6578: %%
6579: Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
6580: more time for dreaming.
6581: -- J. P. McEvoy
6582: %%
6583: Predestination was doomed from the start.
6584: %%
6585: President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
6586: forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
6587: %%
6588: President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
6589: vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
6590: -- The Washington Post
6591: %%
6592: Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
6593: %%
6594: Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
6595: It's on the other side.
6596: %%
6597: [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
6598: to see him work.
6599: -- Winston Churchill
6600: %%
6601: Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
6602: %%
6603: Probable-Possible, my black hen,
6604: She lays eggs in the Relative When.
6605: She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
6606: Because she's unable to postulate how.
6607: -- Frederick Winsor
6608: %%
6609: Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
6610: Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point
6611: on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
6612: earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
6613: %%
6614: Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
6615:
6616: This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
6617: techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
6618:
6619: SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
6620:
6621: We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
6622: for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
6623: as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
6624: trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
6625: can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
6626: about _n.
6627: QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
6628: %%
6629: Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
6630: SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
6631: (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
6632: (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
6633: (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
6634: legs for a horse.
6635: (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
6636: (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
6637:
6638: Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
6639: Intimidation
6640: Gesticulation (handwaving)
6641: "Try it; it works"
6642: Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
6643: Blatant assertion
6644: Changing all the 2's to _n's
6645: Mutual consent
6646: Lack of a counterexample, and
6647: "It stands to reason"
6648: %%
6649: Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
6650: three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
6651: %%
6652: Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
6653: -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
6654: %%
6655: Putt's Law:
6656: Technology is dominated by two types of people:
6657: Those who understand what they do not manage.
6658: Those who manage what they do not understand.
6659: %%
6660: Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
6661: A: One per person.
6662: %%
6663: Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
6664: A: To stamp out forest fires.
6665:
6666: Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
6667: A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
6668: %%
6669: Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
6670: A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
6671: %%
6672: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
6673: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
6674: %%
6675: Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
6676: A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
6677:
6678: Q: How long does it take?
6679: A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
6680: brought with them.
6681:
6682: Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
6683: A: They replace your generator.
6684: %%
6685: Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
6686: A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
6687: %%
6688: Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
6689: A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
6690: %%
6691: Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
6692: A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
6693: Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
6694: the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
6695: of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
6696: of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
6697: %%
6698: Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6699: A: One and a half.
6700: %%
6701: Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
6702: A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
6703: Californians trying to share the experience.
6704: %%
6705: Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6706: A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
6707: symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
6708: netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
6709: cosmos of nothingness.
6710: %%
6711: Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6712: A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
6713: light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
6714: plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
6715: prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin
6716: to break the bulb in the first place.
6717: %
6718: Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
6719: San Francisco?
6720: A: Both of them.
6721: %%
6722: Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
6723: A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with
6724: brightly colored machine tools.
6725: %%
6726: Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
6727: A: Because it was on the other side.
6728: %%
6729: QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
6730: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
6731: kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one
6732: thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a
6733: painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang]
6734: person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
6735: -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
6736: %%
6737: Quality Control, n.:
6738: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
6739: a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
6740: %%
6741: Question:
6742: Man Invented Alcohol,
6743: God Invented Grass.
6744: Who do you trust?
6745: %%
6746: Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
6747: %%
6748: "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
6749: %%
6750: ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
6751: MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
6752: door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
6753: %%
6754: RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
6755: 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
6756: 2. Never leave the table hungry.
6757: 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
6758: 4. Enjoy your food.
6759: 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
6760: 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
6761: accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
6762: 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
6763: example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
6764: Which feels better against your cheeks?
6765: 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
6766: 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
6767: can always eat it later.
6768: 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
6769: 11. Avoid blue food.
6770: -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
6771: %%
6772: Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
6773: %%
6774: Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
6775: I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
6776: computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
6777: store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
6778: all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
6779: the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
6780: they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
6781: rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
6782: Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
6783: impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
6784: goes, giving away the store?
6785: -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
6786: %%
6787: Ray's Rule of Precision:
6788: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
6789: %%
6790: Razors pain you;
6791: Rivers are damp;
6792: Acids stain you;
6793: And drugs cause cramp.
6794: Guns aren't lawful;
6795: Nooses give;
6796: Gas smells awful;
6797: You might as well live.
6798: -- Dorothy Parker
6799: %%
6800: Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
6801: the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
6802: with pictures.
6803: %%
6804: Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
6805: you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
6806: wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
6807: spring up in the middle of the machine room.
6808: %%
6809: Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
6810: can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
6811: %%
6812: Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
6813: %%
6814: Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
6815: functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
6816: %%
6817: Real Time, adj.:
6818: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
6819: and then.
6820: %%
6821: Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
6822: %%
6823: Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
6824: %%
6825: Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
6826: %%
6827: "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
6828: %%
6829: Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
6830: being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
6831: -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
6832: %%
6833: Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
6834: lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
6835: but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
6836: Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
6837: recessions.
6838: %%
6839: Reclaimer, spare that tree!
6840: Take not a single bit!
6841: It used to point to me,
6842: Now I'm protecting it.
6843: It was the reader's CONS
6844: That made it, paired by dot;
6845: Now, GC, for the nonce,
6846: Thou shalt reclaim it not.
6847: %%
6848: "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
6849: again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
6850: which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
6851: spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
6852: starfield surrounding the ship.
6853:
6854: "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
6855: announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
6856: are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
6857: intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
6858: transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
6859: Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
6860: -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
6861: %%
6862: Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
6863: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
6864: %%
6865: Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
6866: %%
6867: Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
6868: %%
6869: Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
6870: worse in Cleveland.
6871: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
6872: %%
6873: Reporter, n.:
6874: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
6875: tempest of words.
6876: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6877: %%
6878: Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
6879: Western Civilization?
6880: Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
6881: %%
6882: Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
6883: -- Wernher von Braun
6884: %%
6885: Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
6886: another chance later on.
6887: %%
6888: Review Questions
6889:
6890: 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20
6891: KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it
6892: be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be
6893: before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his
6894: spaceship?
6895:
6896: 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he
6897: breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be
6898: before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be
6899: before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car
6900: every week?
6901:
6902: 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four
6903: beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the
6904: cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger
6905: than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
6906: %%
6907: Rhode's Law:
6908: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
6909: circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
6910: empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied,
6911: inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically
6912: guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
6913: expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal
6914: comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above,
6915: be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
6916: adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally,
6917: immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes
6918: advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
6919: %%
6920: Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
6921: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
6922: reject the proposal.
6923: %%
6924: Rudin's Law:
6925: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
6926: do it every time.
6927: %%
6928: Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
6929: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
6930: be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind
6931: person shall be deemed to be a cat.
6932: %%
6933: Rule of Creative Research:
6934: 1) Never draw what you can copy.
6935: 2) Never copy what you can trace.
6936: 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
6937: %%
6938: Rule of Defactualization:
6939: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
6940: %%
6941: Rule of Feline Frustration:
6942: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
6943: content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
6944: bathroom.
6945: %%
6946: Rule of the Great:
6947: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
6948: thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
6949: %%
6950: Rules for driving in New York:
6951: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
6952: 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
6953: on.
6954: 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
6955: intersection.
6956: %%
6957: SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
6958: -- Ken Thompson
6959: %%
6960: SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
6961: POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
6962: %%
6963: SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
6964: %%
6965: Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
6966: Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
6967:
6968: 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like
6969: worms, bugs, ants.
6970: 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
6971: 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
6972: 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
6973: 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6974: 6. People ignore you at parties.
6975: 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
6976: 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
6977: %%
6978: San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
6979: -- Herb Caen
6980: %%
6981: San Francisco, n.:
6982: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
6983: %%
6984: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
6985: He must be a communist.
6986: And a beard and long hair,
6987: Must be a pacifist.
6988:
6989: What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
6990: -- Arlo Guthrie
6991: %%
6992: Satellite Safety Tip #14:
6993: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
6994: %%
6995: Sattinger's Law:
6996: It works better if you plug it in.
6997: %%
6998: Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
6999: Is like being nowhere at all,
7000: All through the day how the hours rush by,
7001: You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
7002: -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
7003: %%
7004: Save energy: be apathetic.
7005: %%
7006: Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
7007: %%
7008: Schapiro's Explanation:
7009: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
7010: because they use more manure.
7011: %%
7012: Schizophrenia beats being alone.
7013: %%
7014: Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
7015: %%
7016: Scott's first Law:
7017: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
7018: %%
7019: Scott's second Law:
7020: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
7021: to have been wrong in the first place.
7022: Corollary:
7023: After the correction has been found in error, it will be
7024: impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
7025: equation.
7026: %%
7027: Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
7028: Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
7029: Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
7030: Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
7031: Spock: Affirmative.
7032: Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
7033: Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
7034: %%
7035: Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
7036: %%
7037: Second Law of Business Meetings:
7038: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
7039: will pick the wrong one.
7040:
7041: Corollary:
7042: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
7043: wrong, anyway.
7044: %%
7045: Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
7046: %%
7047: Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
7048: She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
7049: Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
7050: Silently scheming,
7051: Sightlessly seeking
7052: Some savage, spectacular suicide.
7053: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
7054: %%
7055: Self Test for Paranoia:
7056: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
7057: your own fault.
7058: %%
7059: Seminars, n.:
7060: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
7061: %%
7062: Serocki's Stricture:
7063: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
7064: %%
7065: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
7066: %%
7067: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
7068: -- Swami X
7069: %%
7070: Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
7071: -- M. C. Reed.
7072: %%
7073: Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
7074: it's one of the best.
7075: -- Woody Allen
7076: %%
7077: Shamus, n.:
7078: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
7079: temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
7080: A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
7081: functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
7082: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
7083: middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
7084: bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
7085: The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
7086: am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
7087: he's nobody!"
7088: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
7089: %%
7090: Shaw's Principle:
7091: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
7092: want to use it.
7093: %%
7094: "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
7095: -- Gypsy Rose Lee
7096: %%
7097: She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
7098: -- Mark Twain
7099: %%
7100: She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
7101: have poured on a waffle ...
7102: %%
7103: "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
7104: taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
7105: excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
7106: -- Samuel Johnson
7107: %%
7108: She's genuinely bogus.
7109: %%
7110: Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
7111: playing golf with his boss.
7112: %%
7113: Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
7114: %%
7115: Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
7116: -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
7117: %%
7118: Silverman's Law:
7119: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
7120: %%
7121: Simon's Law:
7122: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
7123: %%
7124: Since I hurt my pendulum
7125: My life is all erratic.
7126: My parrot, who was cordial,
7127: Is now transmitting static.
7128: The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
7129: The cat keeps doing poo.
7130: The only thing that keeps me sane
7131: Is talking to my shoe.
7132: -- My Shoe
7133: %%
7134: Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
7135: -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
7136: %%
7137: [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
7138: vices I admire.
7139: -- Winston Churchill
7140: %%
7141: Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
7142: Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
7143: excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
7144: This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
7145: examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
7146: Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
7147: printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
7148: comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
7149: no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
7150: %%
7151: Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
7152: That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
7153: or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
7154: should have gotten.
7155: %%
7156: Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
7157: to work.
7158: %%
7159: Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
7160: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
7161: check.
7162: 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
7163: 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
7164: attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
7165: attracted to dark objects.
7166: %%
7167: Slurm, n.:
7168: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
7169: it sits in the dish too long.
7170: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
7171: %%
7172: Snacktrek, n.:
7173: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
7174: returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
7175: materialized.
7176: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
7177: %%
7178: So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
7179: praise of intelligence.
7180: -- Bertrand Russell
7181: %%
7182: "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
7183: pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
7184: its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
7185: imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
7186: and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
7187: and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
7188: gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
7189: -- Samuel Foote
7190: %%
7191: Sodd's Second Law:
7192: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
7193: bound to occur.
7194: %%
7195: Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
7196: celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
7197: stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
7198: "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
7199: of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
7200: government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
7201: Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
7202: billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
7203: it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
7204: thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
7205: the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
7206: and go to a mall.
7207: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
7208: %%
7209: Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
7210: people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
7211: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
7212: %%
7213: Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
7214: them on the head.
7215: %%
7216: Some points to remember [about animals]:
7217:
7218: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
7219: rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
7220: 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
7221: front of your clothes;
7222: 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
7223: dogs you have just kicked.
7224: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7225: %%
7226: Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
7227: pens will multiply instead of disappear.
7228: %%
7229: Someone will try to honk your nose today.
7230: %%
7231: "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
7232: the only ashtray."
7233: %%
7234: Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
7235: -- Lily Tomlin
7236: %%
7237: "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
7238: Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
7239: intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
7240: and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
7241: best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
7242: we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
7243:
7244: "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
7245: -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
7246: %%
7247: Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
7248: paid may disregard this fortune).
7249: %%
7250: Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
7251: bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
7252: road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
7253: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
7254: %%
7255: Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
7256: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
7257: if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
7258: question back at him.
7259: %%
7260: Speak roughly to your little VAX,
7261: And boot it when it crashes;
7262: It knows that one cannot relax
7263: Because the paging thrashes!
7264:
7265: Wow! Wow! Wow!
7266:
7267: I speak severely to my VAX,
7268: And boot it when it crashes;
7269: In spite of all my favorite hacks
7270: My jobs it always thrashes!
7271:
7272: Wow! Wow! Wow!
7273: %%
7274: Speak roughly to your little boy,
7275: And beat him when he sneezes:
7276: He only does it to annoy
7277: Because he knows it teases.
7278:
7279: Wow! wow! wow!
7280:
7281: I speak severely to my boy,
7282: And beat him when he sneezes:
7283: For he can thoroughly enjoy
7284: The pepper when he pleases!
7285:
7286: Wow! wow! wow!
7287: -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
7288: %%
7289: Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
7290: %%
7291: Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
7292: sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
7293: cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
7294: the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
7295: bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
7296: controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
7297: passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
7298: memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
7299: no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
7300: designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
7301: %%
7302: Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
7303: these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
7304: to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
7305: communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
7306: on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
7307: life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
7308: communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
7309: he can do is to Shut Up!
7310: -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
7311: %%
7312: Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
7313: %%
7314: Spirtle, n.:
7315: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
7316: your eye.
7317: -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
7318: %%
7319: Spouse, n.:
7320: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
7321: wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
7322: %%
7323: Stay away from flying saucers today.
7324: %%
7325: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
7326: %%
7327: "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
7328: %%
7329: Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
7330: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
7331: another drink.
7332: %%
7333: Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
7334: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
7335: handle.
7336: %%
7337: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
7338: %%
7339: Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
7340: take a bath ...
7341: %%
7342: Stult's Report:
7343: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
7344: fight the solutions.
7345: %%
7346: Stupid, n.:
7347: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
7348: %%
7349: Sturgeon's Law:
7350: 90% of everything is crud.
7351: %%
7352: Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
7353: editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
7354: -- Mark Twain
7355: %%
7356: Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
7357: %%
7358: (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
7359:
7360: To code the impossible code,
7361: To bring up a virgin machine,
7362: To pop out of endless recursion,
7363: To grok what appears on the screen,
7364:
7365: To right the unrightable bug,
7366: To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
7367: To mount the unmountable magtape,
7368: To stop the unstoppable crash!
7369: %%
7370: Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
7371: %%
7372: Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
7373: in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
7374: the room is punishable under law:
7375:
7376: Name #
7377: %%
7378: Surprise due today. Also the rent.
7379: %%
7380: Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
7381: %%
7382: Sweater, n.:
7383: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
7384: %%
7385: Swipple's Rule of Order:
7386: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
7387: %%
7388: System/3! System/3!
7389: See how it runs! See how it runs!
7390: Its monitor loses so totally!
7391: It runs all its programs in RPG!
7392: It's made by our favorite monopoly!
7393: System/3!
7394: %%
7395: THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
7396: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
7397: %%
7398: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
7399:
7400: SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
7401: Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
7402: Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
7403: with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
7404: END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
7405: a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
7406: they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
7407: the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
7408: %%
7409: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
7410:
7411: This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
7412: an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
7413: to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
7414: %%
7415: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
7416:
7417: SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
7418: Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
7419: compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
7420: coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
7421: sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
7422: compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
7423: infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
7424: %%
7425: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
7426:
7427: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
7428: extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
7429: they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
7430: functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
7431: no fun at parties.
7432: %%
7433: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
7434:
7435: Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
7436: unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
7437: are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
7438: SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
7439: parties.
7440: %%
7441: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
7442:
7443: This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
7444: submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
7445: best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
7446: language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
7447: statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
7448: similar to COBOL.
7449: %%
7450: THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
7451:
7452: FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
7453: refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
7454: JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
7455: BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
7456: CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
7457:
7458: The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
7459: financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
7460: VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
7461: and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
7462: who end up using this language.
7463: %%
7464: THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
7465:
7466: If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
7467: contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
7468: without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
7469: contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
7470: can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
7471: for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
7472: difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
7473: and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
7474: "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
7475: you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
7476: Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
7477: 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
7478: Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
7479: more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
7480: %%
7481: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
7482: -- Frank Lloyd Wright
7483: %%
7484: Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
7485: hole in his head.
7486: %%
7487: Tact, n.:
7488: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
7489: %%
7490: Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
7491: %%
7492: Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
7493: enough cheese
7494: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
7495: %%
7496: Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
7497: %%
7498: Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
7499: needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
7500: -- Kipling
7501: %%
7502: Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
7503: your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
7504: and they'll call you crazy.
7505: -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
7506: %%
7507: Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
7508: your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms,
7509: and they'll call you crazy.
7510: -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
7511: %%
7512: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
7513: -- Euripides
7514: %%
7515: Talkers are no good doers.
7516: -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7517: %%
7518: Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
7519: -- Friedrich Nietzsche
7520: %%
7521: Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
7522: the tree."
7523: -- Russell Long
7524: %%
7525: Taxes, n.:
7526: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
7527: an extension.
7528: %%
7529: Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
7530: grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
7531: %%
7532: Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
7533: %%
7534: Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
7535: for going backwards.
7536: -- Aldous Huxley
7537: %%
7538: Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
7539: writing.
7540: -- R. Geis
7541: %%
7542: "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
7543: You eat your victuals fast enough;
7544: There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
7545: To see the rate you drink your beer.
7546: But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
7547: It gives a chap the belly-ache.
7548: The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
7549: It sleeps well the horned head:
7550: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
7551: To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
7552: Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
7553: Your friends to death before their time.
7554: Moping, melancholy mad:
7555: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
7556: -- A. E. Housman
7557: %%
7558: Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
7559: pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
7560: until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
7561: ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
7562: because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
7563: fact, for he merely said:
7564:
7565: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
7566: it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
7567: because it is impossible."
7568:
7569: Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
7570: philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
7571: -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
7572:
7573: (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
7574: %%
7575: Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
7576: %%
7577: "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
7578: one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
7579: -- J. Finnegan, USC.
7580: %%
7581: "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
7582: %%
7583: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
7584: %%
7585: That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
7586: -- Dorothy Parker
7587: %%
7588: The Abrams' Principle:
7589: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
7590: %%
7591: The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
7592: Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
7593: and color, but also on ability.
7594: -- T. Lehrer
7595: %%
7596: The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
7597: -- Bill Murray
7598: %%
7599: The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
7600: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
7601: program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
7602: one, and convert to the next higher units.
7603: %%
7604: "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
7605: flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
7606: %%
7607: The Crown is full of it!
7608: -- Nate Harris, 1775
7609: %%
7610: The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
7611: their children to speak it.
7612: -- G. B. Shaw
7613: %%
7614: The Fifth Rule:
7615: You have taken yourself too seriously.
7616: %%
7617: The First Rule of Program Optimization:
7618: Don't do it.
7619:
7620: The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
7621: Don't do it yet.
7622: -- Michael Jackson
7623: %%
7624: The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
7625: people who want some.
7626: -- Dwight MacDonald
7627: %%
7628: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
7629: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
7630: courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
7631: clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
7632: of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
7633: Hedgehog Eater.
7634: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7635: %%
7636: The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
7637: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
7638: %%
7639: The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
7640: by the number of people in the group.
7641: %%
7642: The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
7643: information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
7644: dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
7645: real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
7646:
7647: So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
7648: pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
7649: consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
7650: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
7651: %%
7652: The Kennedy Constant:
7653: Don't get mad -- get even.
7654: %%
7655: The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
7656: %%
7657: The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
7658: poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
7659: bread.
7660: -- Anatole France
7661: %%
7662: "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
7663: we could with both of them."
7664: -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
7665: %%
7666: The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
7667: Support your right to bare arms!
7668: %%
7669: The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
7670: in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
7671:
7672: But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
7673: whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
7674: -- Matthew 5:37
7675: %%
7676: The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
7677:
7678: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
7679: Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
7680: Corporate Planning."
7681: %%
7682: The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
7683: Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
7684: Let others think his heart is big,
7685: I think it stupid of the Pig.
7686: -- Ogden Nash
7687: %%
7688: The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
7689: Were each of them once a kiddie.
7690: A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
7691: Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
7692: -- Ogden Nash
7693: %%
7694: The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
7695: outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
7696: mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
7697: tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
7698: the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
7699: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7700: %%
7701: The Roman Rule
7702: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
7703: one who is doing it.
7704: %%
7705: The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
7706: his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
7707: one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
7708: take it too seriously.
7709: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7710: %%
7711: The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
7712: showed that all had these things in common:
7713:
7714: 1. They all had moderate appetites.
7715: 2. They all came from middle class homes
7716: 3. All but two of them were dead.
7717: %%
7718: The Third Law of Photography:
7719: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
7720: when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
7721: the dark leaks out.
7722: %%
7723: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
7724: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
7725: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
7726: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
7727: world put together.
7728: -- Sir Peter Medawar
7729: %%
7730: The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
7731: religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
7732: from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
7733: yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
7734: world put together.
7735: -- Sir Peter Medawar
7736: %%
7737: The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
7738: Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
7739: to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
7740: decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
7741: %%
7742: The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
7743: -- Thomas Jefferson
7744: %%
7745: The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
7746: average man can see better than he can think.
7747: %%
7748: The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
7749: cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
7750: difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
7751: which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
7752: here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
7753: RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
7754: want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
7755: lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
7756: squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
7757: and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
7758: his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
7759: neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
7760: lots.
7761: -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
7762: %%
7763: The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
7764: but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
7765: %%
7766: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
7767: -- W. C. Fields
7768: %%
7769: The best defense against logic is ignorance.
7770: %%
7771: The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
7772: %%
7773: The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
7774: time.
7775: -- Merrick Furst
7776: %%
7777: The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
7778: Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
7779:
7780: It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
7781: known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
7782: in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
7783: under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
7784: people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
7785: city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
7786: umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
7787: activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
7788: %%
7789: "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
7790: %%
7791: The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
7792: in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
7793: %%
7794: The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
7795: at the steam fitters' picnic.
7796: %%
7797: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
7798: %%
7799: "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
7800: elsewhere."
7801: %%
7802: The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
7803: -- Alan Perlis
7804: %%
7805: The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
7806: none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
7807: Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
7808: Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
7809: talked about.
7810: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
7811: %%
7812: The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
7813: %%
7814: The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
7815: down.
7816: %%
7817: The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
7818: eat.
7819: -- John McNulty
7820: %%
7821: The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
7822: us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
7823: Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
7824: %%
7825: The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
7826: %%
7827: The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
7828: %%
7829: "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
7830: into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
7831: out again, it would be a calamity."
7832: -- Benjamin Disraeli
7833: %%
7834: The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
7835: requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
7836: scholarship.
7837: -- Robert Heinlein
7838: %%
7839: The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
7840: off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
7841: next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
7842: duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
7843: duck and returned it to his master.
7844: "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
7845: "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
7846: swim."
7847: %%
7848: The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
7849: %%
7850: The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
7851: symposium to follow.
7852: %%
7853: The fact that it works is immaterial.
7854: -- L. Ogborn
7855: %%
7856: The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
7857: Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
7858: tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
7859: forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
7860: fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
7861: threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
7862: suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
7863: foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
7864: one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
7865: dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
7866: drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
7867: and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
7868: thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
7869: of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
7870: in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
7871: crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
7872: Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
7873: a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
7874: throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
7875: -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
7876: %%
7877: The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
7878: -- Abbie Hoffman
7879: %%
7880: The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
7881: child, was propounded to me by my father:
7882: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
7883: whistles?"
7884: I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
7885: gave up.
7886: "A herring," said my father.
7887: "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
7888: "So hang it there."
7889: "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
7890: "Paint it."
7891: "But a herring isn't wet."
7892: "If its just painted its still wet."
7893: "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
7894: doesn't whistle!!"
7895: "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
7896: hard."
7897: -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
7898: %%
7899: The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
7900: a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
7901: %%
7902: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
7903: chance.
7904: %%
7905: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
7906: center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
7907: Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
7908: End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
7909: %%
7910: The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
7911: least until we've finished building it.
7912: %%
7913: The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
7914: The goal of nature is to build better mice.
7915: %%
7916: The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
7917: love and he invented marriage.
7918: %%
7919: The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
7920: -- Albert Einstein
7921: %%
7922: The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
7923: a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
7924: the contrary, nohow.
7925: %%
7926: The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
7927: thinkers.
7928: %%
7929: The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
7930: lists of "Ten Best".
7931: -- H. Allen Smith
7932: %%
7933: The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
7934: -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
7935: %%
7936: The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
7937: protein -- it rejects it.
7938: -- P. Medawar
7939: %%
7940: The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
7941: -- Mark Twain
7942: %%
7943: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
7944: longer."
7945: -- Henry Kissinger
7946: %%
7947: The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
7948: point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
7949: important thing to people.
7950: -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
7951: %%
7952: The ladies men admire, I've heard,
7953: Would shudder at a wicked word.
7954: Their candle gives a single light;
7955: They'd rather stay at home at night.
7956: They do not keep awake till three,
7957: Nor read erotic poetry.
7958: They never sanction the impure,
7959: Nor recognize an overture.
7960: They shrink from powders and from paints ...
7961: So far, I've had no complaints.
7962: -- Dorothy Parker
7963: %%
7964: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
7965: train.
7966: %%
7967: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
7968: much sleep.
7969: -- Woody Allen
7970: %%
7971: The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
7972: -- Henry Kissinger
7973: %%
7974: The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
7975: crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
7976: one has ever been.
7977: -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
7978: %%
7979: The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
7980: soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
7981: when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
7982: %%
7983: The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
7984: %%
7985: The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
7986: %%
7987: The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
7988: robbers there will be.
7989: -- Lao Tsu
7990: %%
7991: The more things change, the more they stay insane.
7992: %%
7993: The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
7994: is right.
7995: %%
7996: The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
7997: -- Andy Warhol
7998: %%
7999: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
8000: discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
8001: -- Isaac Asimov
8002: %%
8003: The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
8004: %%
8005: The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
8006: hope I don't get run over again.
8007: %%
8008: The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
8009: choose from.
8010: -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
8011: %%
8012: The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
8013: 80-column card.
8014: -- Dennis M. Ritchie
8015: %%
8016: The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
8017: analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
8018: occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
8019: these problems when called upon.
8020:
8021: However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
8022: remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
8023: %%
8024: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
8025: %%
8026: The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
8027: to cringe.
8028: %%
8029: The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
8030: `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
8031: -- Ernest Rutherford
8032: %%
8033: The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
8034: and take a rest.
8035: %%
8036: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
8037: use to oneself.
8038: -- Oscar Wilde
8039: %%
8040: The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
8041: -- Oscar Wilde
8042: %%
8043: The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
8044: until 5 or 6 pm.
8045: %%
8046: The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
8047: -- Bohr
8048: %%
8049: The optimum committee has no members.
8050: -- Norman Augustine
8051: %%
8052: The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
8053: on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
8054: acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
8055: French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
8056: the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
8057: picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
8058: ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
8059: with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
8060: dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
8061: several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
8062: evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
8063: drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
8064: be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
8065: %%
8066: The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
8067: it isn't here.
8068: -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
8069: %%
8070: The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
8071: swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
8072: batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
8073: center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
8074: his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
8075: -- Dizzy Dean
8076: %%
8077: The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
8078: constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
8079: appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
8080: statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
8081: also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
8082: -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
8083: %%
8084: The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
8085: stupidity of your action.
8086: %%
8087: The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
8088: Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
8089: using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
8090: Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
8091: etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
8092: bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
8093: of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
8094: developed cancer.
8095: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
8096: %%
8097: The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
8098: to erase it.
8099: -- Glaser and Way
8100: %%
8101: The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
8102: pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
8103: -- Elizabeth Taylor
8104: %%
8105: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
8106: %%
8107: "The pyramid is opening!"
8108: "Which one?"
8109: "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
8110: -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
8111: Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
8112: %%
8113: The rain it raineth on the just
8114: And also on the unjust fella,
8115: But chiefly on the just, because
8116: The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
8117: %%
8118: The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
8119: %%
8120: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
8121: persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
8122: progress depends on the unreasonable man.
8123: -- George Bernard Shaw
8124: %%
8125: The revolution will not be televised.
8126: %%
8127: The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
8128: -- Emerson
8129: %%
8130: The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
8131: This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
8132: %%
8133: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
8134: -- Noelie Altito
8135: %%
8136: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
8137: and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
8138: activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
8139: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
8140: %%
8141: "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
8142: %%
8143: The steady state of disks is full.
8144: --Ken Thompson
8145: %%
8146: The sun was shining on the sea,
8147: Shining with all his might:
8148: He did his very best to make
8149: The billows smooth and bright --
8150: And this was very odd, because it was
8151: The middle of the night.
8152: -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
8153: %%
8154: The superfluous is very necessary.
8155: -- Voltaire
8156: %%
8157: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
8158: authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
8159: the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
8160: the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
8161: radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
8162: as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
8163: receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
8164: Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
8165: heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
8166: the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
8167: heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
8168: radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
8169: earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
8170: cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
8171: fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
8172: burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
8173: that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
8174: have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
8175: -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
8176: %%
8177: The three laws of thermodynamics:
8178:
8179: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
8180: The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
8181: even.
8182: The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
8183: %%
8184: The trouble with a kitten is that
8185: When it grows up, it's always a cat
8186: -- Ogden Nash.
8187: %%
8188: The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
8189: %%
8190: The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
8191: more important to do.
8192: %%
8193: The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
8194: appreciates how difficult it was.
8195: %%
8196: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
8197: vice versa.
8198: %%
8199: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
8200: Which practically conceal its sex.
8201: I think it clever of the turtle
8202: In such a fix to be so fertile.
8203: -- Ogden Nash
8204: %%
8205: The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
8206: annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
8207: -- Oscar Wilde
8208: %%
8209: The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
8210: regarded as a criminal offense.
8211: -- E. W. Dijkstra
8212: %%
8213: "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
8214: %%
8215: "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
8216: that would be clearly understood."
8217: -- Alexander Haig
8218: %%
8219: "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
8220: with a large fortune."
8221: %%
8222: The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
8223: %%
8224: The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
8225: %%
8226: The world's as ugly as sin,
8227: And almost as delightful
8228: -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
8229: %%
8230: The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
8231: four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
8232: the answers.
8233: %%
8234: Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
8235:
8236: He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
8237: then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
8238: market.
8239:
8240: If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
8241: not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
8242:
8243: Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
8244: Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
8245: Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
8246: -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8247: %%
8248: There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
8249: and praiseworthy ...
8250: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8251: %%
8252: There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
8253: vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
8254: -- Gloria Steinem
8255: %%
8256: There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
8257: plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
8258: and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
8259: don't we all?
8260: %%
8261: There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
8262: -- Disraeli
8263: %%
8264: "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
8265: from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
8266: loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
8267: %%
8268: There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
8269: offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
8270: a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
8271: of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
8272: affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
8273: When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
8274: Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
8275: -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
8276: %%
8277: There are three ways to get something done:
8278: 1. Do it yourself.
8279: 2. Hire someone to do it for you.
8280: 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
8281: %%
8282: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
8283: someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
8284: %%
8285: There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
8286: the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
8287: sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
8288: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
8289: %%
8290: "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
8291: other is to read Pope."
8292: -- Oscar Wilde
8293: %%
8294: There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
8295: works.
8296: %%
8297: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
8298: suitable application of high explosives.
8299: %%
8300: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
8301: -- Henry Kissinger
8302: %%
8303: There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
8304: nothing about.
8305: %%
8306: There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
8307: paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
8308: %%
8309: There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
8310: %%
8311: There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
8312: is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
8313: inexplicable."
8314:
8315: There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
8316: -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
8317: %%
8318: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
8319: what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
8320: disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
8321: inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
8322: already happened.
8323: -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
8324: %%
8325: There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
8326: -- Mark Twain
8327: %%
8328: There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
8329: tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
8330: abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
8331: war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
8332: of course.
8333: -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
8334: %%
8335: There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
8336: -- G. B. Shaw
8337: %%
8338: There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
8339: reflexes.
8340: %%
8341: There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
8342: doing.
8343: %%
8344: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
8345: that is not being talked about.
8346: -- Oscar Wilde
8347: %%
8348: There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
8349: returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
8350: -- Mark Twain
8351: %%
8352: There once was a girl named Irene
8353: Who lived on distilled kerosene
8354: But she started absorbin'
8355: A new hydrocarbon
8356: And since then has never benzene.
8357: %%
8358: There once was an old man from Esser,
8359: Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
8360: It at last grew so small,
8361: He knew nothing at all,
8362: And now he's a College Professor.
8363: %%
8364: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
8365: it."
8366: -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
8367: %%
8368: There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
8369: left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
8370: Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
8371: started debating who should be allowed to stay.
8372:
8373: The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
8374: over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
8375: would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
8376: said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
8377: thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
8378: votes.
8379: %%
8380: There was a young lady from Hyde
8381: Who ate a green apple and died.
8382: While her lover lamented
8383: The apple fermented
8384: And made cider inside her inside.
8385: %%
8386: There was a young man who said "God,
8387: I find it exceedingly odd,
8388: That the willow oak tree
8389: Continues to be,
8390: When there's no one about in the Quad."
8391:
8392: "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
8393: For I'm always about in the Quad;
8394: And that's why the tree,
8395: Continues to be,"
8396: Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
8397: %%
8398: There was a young poet named Dan,
8399: Whose poetry never would scan.
8400: When told this was so,
8401: He said, "Yes, I know.
8402: It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
8403: %%
8404: There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
8405: the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
8406: digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
8407: 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
8408: transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
8409: stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
8410: feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
8411: systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
8412: first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
8413: satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
8414: telephone business?
8415: %%
8416: There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
8417: fence.
8418: %%
8419: There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
8420: %%
8421: There's little in taking or giving,
8422: There's little in water or wine:
8423: This living, this living, this living,
8424: Was never a project of mine.
8425: Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
8426: The gain of the one at the top,
8427: For art is a form of catharsis,
8428: And love is a permanent flop,
8429: And work is the province of cattle,
8430: And rest's for a clam in a shell,
8431: So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
8432: Would you kindly direct me to hell?
8433: -- Dorothy Parker
8434: %%
8435: There's no future in time travel
8436: %%
8437: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
8438: -- Dr. Who
8439: %%
8440: There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
8441: any worse.
8442: %%
8443: There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
8444: what it is I'll get married again.
8445: -- Clint Eastwood
8446: %%
8447: There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
8448: becoming an endangered synthetic.
8449: -- Lily Tomlin
8450: %%
8451: "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
8452: "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
8453: "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
8454: out of MEGATON MAN!"
8455: %%
8456: These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
8457: used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
8458: %%
8459: They also surf who only stand on waves.
8460: %%
8461: They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
8462: always spell better than they pronounce.
8463: -- Mark Twain
8464: %%
8465: "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
8466: %%
8467: They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
8468: About a month before. Their hair began to curl
8469: The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
8470: But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
8471:
8472: He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
8473: To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
8474: And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
8475: The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
8476:
8477: My notion was to start again
8478: Ignoring all they'd done
8479: We quickly turned it into code
8480: To see if it would run.
8481: %%
8482: They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
8483: %%
8484: Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
8485: %%
8486: Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
8487: %%
8488: Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
8489: %%
8490: Think honk if you're a telepath.
8491: %%
8492: Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
8493: %%
8494: Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
8495: computer crashes.
8496: %%
8497: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
8498: %%
8499: This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
8500: please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
8501: characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
8502: something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
8503: more profound than THIS program has ever been.
8504: %%
8505: This fortune intentionally not included.
8506: %%
8507: This fortune is false.
8508: %%
8509: This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
8510: %%
8511: "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
8512: regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
8513: keys ..."
8514: %%
8515: This is for all ill-treated fellows
8516: Unborn and unbegot,
8517: For them to read when they're in trouble
8518: And I am not.
8519: -- A. E. Housman
8520: %%
8521: This is the story of the bee
8522: Whose sex is very hard to see
8523:
8524: You cannot tell the he from the she
8525: But she can tell, and so can he
8526:
8527: The little bee is never still
8528: She has no time to take the pill
8529:
8530: And that is why, in times like these
8531: There are so many sons of bees.
8532: %%
8533: This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
8534: you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
8535: to go.
8536: %%
8537: This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
8538: %%
8539: This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
8540: the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
8541: solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
8542: largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
8543: which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
8544: paper that were unhappy.
8545: -- Douglas Adams
8546: %%
8547: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
8548: it.
8549: %%
8550: Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
8551: %%
8552: Those who can't write, write manuals.
8553: %%
8554: Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
8555: for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
8556: -- Aristotle
8557: %%
8558: Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
8559: %%
8560: Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
8561: revolution inevitable.
8562: -- John F. Kennedy
8563: %%
8564: Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
8565: the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
8566: Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
8567: whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
8568: fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
8569: more about the matter than the others.
8570: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8571: %%
8572: Time flies like an arrow
8573: Fruit flies like a banana
8574: %%
8575: Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
8576: once.
8577: %%
8578: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
8579: -- Woody Allen
8580: %%
8581: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
8582: %%
8583: To be is to do.
8584: -- I. Kant
8585: To do is to be.
8586: -- A. Sartre
8587: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
8588: -- F. Flinstone
8589: %%
8590: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
8591: call it the target.
8592: %%
8593: To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
8594: %%
8595: To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
8596: -- Thomas Edison
8597: %%
8598: To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
8599: %%
8600: To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
8601: system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
8602: inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
8603: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
8604: uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
8605: well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
8606: of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
8607: secure ecological niche.
8608: -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
8609: %%
8610: "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
8611: %%
8612: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
8613: %%
8614: Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
8615: %%
8616: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
8617: %%
8618: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
8619: %%
8620: Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
8621:
8622: And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
8623: -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8624: %%
8625: Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
8626: %%
8627: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
8628: %%
8629: Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
8630: -- Mae West
8631: %%
8632: Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
8633: %%
8634: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
8635: in eucalyptus trees.
8636: %%
8637: Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
8638: intelligence.
8639: -- Henrik Tikkanen
8640: %%
8641: Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
8642: %%
8643: Truthful, adj.:
8644: Dumb and illiterate.
8645: %%
8646: Truthful, adj.:
8647: Dumb and illiterate.
8648: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8649: %%
8650: Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
8651: -- Charles Schulz
8652: %%
8653: Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
8654: good.
8655: %%
8656: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
8657: %%
8658: Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
8659: specification is that it should run noiselessly.
8660: %%
8661: Turnaucka's Law:
8662: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
8663: electrical cord.
8664: %%
8665: Tussman's Law:
8666: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
8667: %%
8668: 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
8669: Did gyre and gimble in their cave
8670: All mimsy was the CS-VAX
8671: And Cory raths outgrave.
8672:
8673: "Beware the software rot, my son!
8674: The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
8675: Beware the broken pipe, and shun
8676: The frumious system crash!"
8677: %%
8678: 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
8679: preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
8680: throughout our place of residence,
8681: Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
8682: possessors of this potential, including that
8683: species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
8684: Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
8685: edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
8686: Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
8687: imminent visitation from an eccentric
8688: philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
8689: is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
8690: %%
8691: Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
8692: -- Howard Kandel
8693: %%
8694: Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
8695: %%
8696: UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
8697: %%
8698: "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
8699:
8700: "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
8701: right?"
8702: -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
8703: %%
8704: Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
8705: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
8706: hammer or get a splinter in it.
8707: %%
8708: Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
8709: can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
8710: %%
8711: Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
8712: Superiority is recessive.
8713: %%
8714: Unfair animal names:
8715:
8716: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
8717: -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
8718: -- sapsucker -- Clarence
8719: -- Gary Larson
8720: %%
8721: United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
8722: Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
8723: all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
8724: all the patriots of every persuasion.
8725:
8726: Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
8727: world.
8728: -- Isaac Asimov
8729: %%
8730: Universe, n.:
8731: The problem.
8732: %%
8733: University, n.:
8734: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
8735: usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
8736: fix it, and ...
8737: %%
8738: Unnamed Law:
8739: If it happens, it must be possible.
8740: %%
8741: Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
8742: twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
8743: -- H. L. Mencken
8744: %%
8745: Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
8746: %%
8747: User n.:
8748: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
8749: %%
8750: Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
8751: -- S. C. Johnson
8752: %%
8753: VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
8754: Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
8755: ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
8756: morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
8757: wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
8758: that old underwear you own.
8759: %%
8760: Vail's Second Axiom:
8761: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
8762: amount of work already completed.
8763: %%
8764: Van Roy's Law:
8765: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8766: %%
8767: Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
8768: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
8769: once.
8770: 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
8771: points.
8772: %%
8773: Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
8774: %%
8775: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
8776: -- Salvor Hardin
8777: %%
8778: Virtue is its own punishment.
8779: %%
8780: Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
8781: from where you left them to where you can't find them.
8782: %%
8783: Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
8784: %%
8785: Vote anarchist
8786: %%
8787: WARNING:
8788: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
8789: mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
8790: hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
8791: your favorite war.
8792: %%
8793: WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
8794:
8795: Oh, dear, where can the matter be
8796: When it's converted to energy?
8797: There is a slight loss of parity.
8798: Johnny's so long at the fair.
8799: %%
8800: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
8801: -- Mark Twain
8802: %%
8803: Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
8804: 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
8805: 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
8806: (Waiter exits, returns)
8807: Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
8808: %%
8809: War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
8810: -- Charles Edward Montague
8811: %%
8812: Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
8813: -- John F. Kennedy
8814: %%
8815: Wasting time is an important part of living.
8816: %%
8817: Watson's Law:
8818: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
8819: number and significance of any persons watching it.
8820: %%
8821: We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
8822: -- Whole Earth Catalog
8823: %%
8824: We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
8825: -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
8826: %%
8827: We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
8828: %%
8829: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
8830: %%
8831: We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
8832: hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
8833: %%
8834: We have met the enemy, and he is us.
8835: -- Walt Kelly
8836: %%
8837: "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
8838: hands for masturbation."
8839: -- Lily Tomlin
8840: %%
8841: We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
8842: respect their good judgement.
8843: %%
8844: We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
8845: no matter how self-seeking.
8846: -- F. G. Withington
8847: %%
8848: We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
8849: friends are trying to kill us.
8850: %%
8851: We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
8852: technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
8853: %%
8854: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8855: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8856: We wish you a Hare Krishna
8857: And a Sun Myung Moon!
8858: -- Maxwell Smart
8859: %%
8860: Weiler's Law:
8861: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
8862: himself.
8863: %%
8864: Weinberg's First Law:
8865: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
8866: %%
8867: Weinberg's Principle:
8868: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
8869: sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
8870: %%
8871: Weinberg's Second Law:
8872: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
8873: then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
8874: civilization.
8875: %%
8876: Weiner's Law of Libraries:
8877: There are no answers, only cross references.
8878: %%
8879: Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
8880: back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
8881: or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
8882: they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
8883: -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
8884: %%
8885: "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
8886: %%
8887: "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
8888: you believe?!"
8889: -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
8890: %%
8891: Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
8892: And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
8893: I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
8894: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8895:
8896: If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
8897: Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
8898: 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
8899: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8900:
8901: On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
8902: But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
8903: Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
8904: I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
8905: -- Core Dumped Blues
8906: %%
8907: We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
8908: the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
8909: you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
8910: in his bowl full of jelly.
8911: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
8912: %%
8913: Westheimer's Discovery:
8914: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
8915: couple of hours in the library.
8916: %%
8917: Wethern's Law:
8918: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
8919: %%
8920: We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
8921: of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
8922: but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
8923: -- Andy Rooney
8924: %%
8925: What I tell you three times is true.
8926: %%
8927: What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
8928: %%
8929: What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
8930: %%
8931: What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
8932: %%
8933: What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
8934: %%
8935: What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
8936: entrance?
8937: %%
8938: What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
8939: in his footsteps?
8940: %%
8941: What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
8942: definitely overpaid for my carpet.
8943: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8944: %%
8945: What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
8946: worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
8947: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8948: %%
8949: What is a magician but a practising theorist?
8950: -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
8951: %%
8952: What is mind? No matter.
8953: What is matter? Never mind.
8954: -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
8955: %%
8956: What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
8957: computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
8958: and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
8959: %%
8960: "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
8961: -- Bertold Brecht
8962: %%
8963: What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
8964: %%
8965: What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
8966: to compare it with.
8967: %%
8968: What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
8969: to compare it with.
8970: %%
8971: What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
8972: It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
8973: and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
8974: and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
8975: women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
8976: mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
8977: and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
8978: -- Susan Gordon
8979: %%
8980: What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
8981: -- Ursula K. LeGuin
8982: %%
8983: What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
8984: %%
8985: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
8986: %%
8987: What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
8988: bagel.
8989: %%
8990: What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
8991: %%
8992: What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
8993: %%
8994: What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
8995: %%
8996: What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
8997: -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
8998: %%
8999: What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
9000: Our Standardized Model should please even you,
9001: Tho once you did say that of charm there was none
9002: It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
9003: Yet your state of the union penultimate large
9004: Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
9005: And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
9006: Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
9007: Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
9008: For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
9009: But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
9010: Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
9011: Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
9012: You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
9013: That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
9014: Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
9015: Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
9016: Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
9017: -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984
9018: %%
9019: Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
9020: cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
9021: as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
9022: hundred dollar bills."
9023: -- Herb Caen
9024: %%
9025: Whatever became of eternal truth?
9026: %%
9027: Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
9028: nailed down.
9029: -- Collis P. Huntingdon
9030: %%
9031: When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
9032: guarantee them.
9033: %%
9034: When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
9035: ladies, and, of course, the goat.
9036: %%
9037: When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
9038: I'm beginning to believe it.
9039: -- Clarence Darrow
9040: %%
9041: When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
9042: the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
9043: -- Woody Allen
9044: %%
9045: When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
9046: or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
9047: cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
9048: go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
9049: -- Mark Twain
9050: %%
9051: When Marriage is Outlawed,
9052: Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
9053: %%
9054: When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
9055: money is.
9056: -- Robespierre
9057: %%
9058: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
9059: thing," it's the money.
9060: -- Kim Hubbard
9061: %%
9062: When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
9063: loop?
9064: %%
9065: When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
9066: not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
9067: travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
9068: -- Robert Heinlein
9069: %%
9070: When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
9071: sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
9072: relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
9073: -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
9074: Maintenance"
9075: %%
9076: When all other means of communication fail, try words.
9077: %%
9078: When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
9079: think it was a Tuesday.
9080: %%
9081: When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
9082: %%
9083: "When in doubt, tell the truth."
9084: -- Mark Twain
9085: %%
9086: When in doubt, use brute force.
9087: -- Ken Thompson
9088: %%
9089: When love is gone, there's always justice.
9090: And when justice is gone, there's always force.
9091: And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
9092: Hi, Mom!
9093: -- Laurie Anderson
9094: %%
9095: When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
9096: results.
9097: -- Calvin Coolidge
9098: %%
9099: When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
9100: say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
9101: %%
9102: When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
9103: the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
9104: nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
9105: -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9106: %%
9107: When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
9108: stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
9109: from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
9110: were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
9111: corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
9112: -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
9113: %%
9114: "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
9115: -- Jon Carroll
9116: %%
9117: When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
9118: modify the problem, not the remedy.
9119: %%
9120: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
9121: insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
9122: required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
9123: exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
9124: -- George Bernard Shaw
9125: %%
9126: When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
9127: not hereditary.
9128: -- Thomas Paine
9129: %%
9130: "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
9131: %%
9132: When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
9133: %%
9134: "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
9135: -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
9136: %%
9137: When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
9138: -- The Wall Street Journal
9139: %%
9140: When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
9141: Wretched, bored, dejected; only
9142: Here's the rub, my darling dear
9143: I feel the same when you are near.
9144: -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
9145: %%
9146: When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
9147: %%
9148: Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
9149: see it tried on him personally.
9150: -- A. Lincoln
9151: %%
9152: Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
9153: -- Dave Parnas
9154: %%
9155: Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
9156: --Oscar Wilde
9157: %%
9158: Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
9159: you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
9160: Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
9161: -- Mark Twain
9162: "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
9163: %%
9164: Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
9165: to reform.
9166: -- Mark Twain
9167: %%
9168: Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
9169: is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
9170: -- John Kenneth Galbraith
9171: %%
9172: Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
9173: %%
9174: Whether you can hear it or not
9175: The Universe is laughing behind your back
9176: -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
9177: %%
9178: While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
9179: The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
9180: While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
9181: And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
9182: Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
9183: The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
9184: -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
9185: November 26, 1792
9186: %%
9187: While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
9188: admission to someone else.
9189: %%
9190: While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
9191: form of misery.
9192: %%
9193: While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
9194: position.
9195: %%
9196: While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
9197: correctness never does.
9198: %%
9199: While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
9200: reassuring to know that it's still there.
9201: %%
9202: While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
9203: safe, for you can watch both of his.
9204: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9205: %%
9206: Whistler's Law:
9207: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
9208: charge.
9209: %%
9210: "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
9211: Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
9212: %%
9213: Who made the world I cannot tell;
9214: 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
9215: My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
9216: I never soiled with such a deed.
9217: -- A. E. Housman
9218: %%
9219: Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
9220: %%
9221: Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
9222: %%
9223: Who's on first?
9224: %%
9225: Why I Can't Go Out With You:
9226:
9227: I'd LOVE to, but ...
9228: -- I have to floss my cat.
9229: -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
9230: -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
9231: -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
9232: -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
9233: -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
9234: -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
9235: -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
9236: -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
9237: -- I have some really hard words to look up.
9238: -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
9239: -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
9240: %%
9241: "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
9242: -- Bertold Brecht
9243: %%
9244: Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
9245: avoid responsibility with?
9246: %%
9247: Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
9248: automation?
9249: %%
9250: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
9251: there must be a beverage.
9252: -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9253: %%
9254: "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
9255: because we are not the person involved"
9256: -- Mark Twain
9257: %%
9258: "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
9259: -- Lily Tomlin
9260: %%
9261: Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
9262: Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
9263: children open their old-fashioned presents.
9264:
9265: Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
9266:
9267: You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
9268: falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
9269:
9270: Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
9271: with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
9272: and I get this cretin TOP?"
9273:
9274: Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
9275:
9276: You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
9277:
9278: Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
9279: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
9280: %%
9281: "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
9282: -- Oscar Wilde
9283: %%
9284: Wiker's Law:
9285: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
9286: %%
9287: Williams and Holland's Law:
9288: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
9289: statistical methods.
9290: %%
9291: Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
9292: it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
9293: %%
9294: Wit, n.:
9295: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
9296: ... by leaving it out.
9297: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9298: %%
9299: With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
9300: -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
9301: %%
9302: With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
9303: build a nuclear balm?
9304: %%
9305: With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
9306: miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
9307: still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
9308: such thing as progress.
9309: -- Ransom K. Ferm
9310: %%
9311: Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
9312: %%
9313: Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
9314: you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
9315: down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
9316: tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
9317: long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
9318: there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
9319: come back.
9320:
9321: Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
9322: when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
9323: Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
9324: cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
9325: heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
9326: beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
9327: and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
9328: although their insurance rates went way up.
9329: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
9330: %%
9331: Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
9332: chairs.
9333: %%
9334: Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
9335: August. The lines are the shortest, though.
9336: -- Steve Rubenstein
9337: %%
9338: Worst Month of the Year:
9339: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
9340: you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
9341: get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
9342: -- Steve Rubenstein
9343: %%
9344: Worst Vegetable of the Year:
9345: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
9346: year.
9347: -- Steve Rubenstein
9348: %%
9349: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
9350:
9351: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
9352: -- Lewis Carrol
9353: %%
9354: Write-Protect Tab, n.:
9355: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
9356: left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
9357: message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
9358: momentary inconvenience.
9359: -- Robb Russon
9360: %%
9361: Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
9362: %%
9363: Xerox never comes up with anything original.
9364: %%
9365: X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
9366: imagination is the plot.
9367: %%
9368: "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
9369: goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
9370: their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
9371: unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
9372: doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
9373: -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
9374: %%
9375: Year, n.:
9376: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
9377: -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9378: %%
9379: Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
9380: %%
9381: Yes, but which self do you want to be?
9382: %%
9383: Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
9384: be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
9385: -- Snoopy
9386: %%
9387: Yesterday upon the stair
9388: I met a man who wasn't there.
9389: He wasn't there again today --
9390: I think he's from the CIA.
9391: %%
9392: Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
9393: -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
9394: %%
9395: Yinkel, n.:
9396: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
9397: will notice.
9398: -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
9399: %%
9400: "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
9401: "All your papers these days look the same;
9402: Those William's would be better unread --
9403: Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
9404:
9405: "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
9406: "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
9407: But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
9408: Made it pointless to think any more."
9409: %%
9410: "You are old, father William," the young man said,
9411: "And your hair has become very white;
9412: And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
9413: Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
9414:
9415: "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
9416: "I feared it might injure the brain;
9417: But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
9418: Why, I do it again and again."
9419: -- Lewis Carrol
9420: %%
9421: "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
9422: That your lectures bore people to death.
9423: Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
9424: Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
9425:
9426: "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
9427: Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
9428: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
9429: Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
9430: %%
9431: "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
9432: For anything tougher than suet;
9433: Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
9434: Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
9435:
9436: "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
9437: And argued each case with my wife;
9438: And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
9439: Has lasted the rest of my life."
9440: -- Lewis Carrol
9441: %%
9442: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
9443: And there isn't one language you like;
9444: Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
9445: Have you thought about taking a hike?"
9446:
9447: "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
9448: "Every language looks equally bad;
9449: Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
9450: And don't realize that they've been had."
9451: %%
9452: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
9453: And have grown most uncommonly fat;
9454: Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
9455: Pray what is the reason of that?"
9456:
9457: "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
9458: "I kept all my limbs very supple
9459: By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
9460: Allow me to sell you a couple?"
9461: -- Lewis Carrol
9462: %%
9463: "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
9464: And make errors few people could bear;
9465: You complain about everyone's English but yours --
9466: Do you really think this is quite fair?"
9467:
9468: "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
9469: "But my stature these days is so great
9470: That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
9471: And to stop me it's now far too late."
9472: %%
9473: "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
9474: That your eye was as steady as ever;
9475: Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
9476: What made you so awfully clever?"
9477:
9478: "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
9479: Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
9480: Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
9481: Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
9482: -- Lewis Carrol
9483: %%
9484: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
9485: %%
9486: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
9487: this sort of trash.
9488: %%
9489: You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
9490: incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
9491: Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
9492: to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
9493: nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
9494: they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
9495: some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
9496:
9497: The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
9498: pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
9499: safety glasses.
9500: -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
9501: %%
9502: You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
9503: executive.
9504: %%
9505: You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
9506: can with just a kind word.
9507: -- Bumper Sticker
9508: %%
9509: You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
9510: %%
9511: You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
9512: the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
9513: -- Alan Perlis
9514: %%
9515: You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
9516: decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
9517: over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
9518: -- F. Allen
9519: %%
9520: You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
9521: supercomputers.
9522: -- Steven Feiner
9523: %%
9524: You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
9525: %%
9526: You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
9527: %%
9528: You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
9529: %%
9530: You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
9531: %%
9532: You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
9533: %%
9534: You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
9535: enough worrying about what's happening now.
9536: -- Lauren Bacall
9537: %%
9538: "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
9539: don't."
9540: -- Dagwood Bumstead
9541: %%
9542: You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
9543: and last month in advance.
9544: %%
9545: You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
9546: doubt.
9547: -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
9548: %%
9549: You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
9550: -- J. D. Salinger
9551: %%
9552: You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
9553: needles.
9554: -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
9555: %%
9556: You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The
9557: short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
9558: which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
9559: tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
9560: names. Here's the complete text:
9561:
9562: "1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
9563: "2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
9564: "3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
9565: send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
9566: THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
9567: household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
9568: you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
9569: NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
9570:
9571: The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
9572: money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
9573: form.
9574: -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9575: %%
9576: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
9577: today.
9578: %%
9579: You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
9580: friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
9581: %%
9582: You may be recognized soon. Hide.
9583: %%
9584: You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
9585: -- Alfred Kahn
9586: %%
9587: You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
9588: success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
9589: or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
9590: party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
9591: -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
9592: %%
9593: You might have mail
9594: %%
9595: "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
9596: proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
9597: %%
9598: You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
9599: be dead.
9600: %%
9601: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
9602: beach.
9603: %%
9604: You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
9605: you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
9606: yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
9607: company.
9608: -- J. Wellington Wells
9609: %%
9610: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
9611: %%
9612: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
9613: if they are dead.
9614: %%
9615: You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
9616: freedom and liberty.
9617: -- Henrik Ibsen
9618: %%
9619: You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
9620: contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
9621: houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
9622: scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
9623: summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
9624: you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
9625: sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
9626: -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
9627: %%
9628: You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
9629: %%
9630: You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
9631: %%
9632: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
9633: %%
9634: You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
9635: to worry.
9636: %%
9637: "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
9638: %%
9639: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
9640: thing he tells you.
9641: %%
9642: Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
9643: from enjoying it.
9644: %%
9645: Your fault: core dumped
9646: %%
9647: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
9648: %%
9649: Your lucky color has faded.
9650: %%
9651: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
9652: %%
9653: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
9654: %%
9655: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
9656: %%
9657: You're at the end of the road again.
9658: %%
9659: You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
9660: %%
9661: You're never too old to become younger.
9662: -- Mae West
9663: %%
9664: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
9665: -- Dean Martin
9666: %%
9667: Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
9668: when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
9669: %%
9670: You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
9671: %%
9672: Zero Defects, n.:
9673: The result of shutting down a production line.
9674: %%
9675: Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
9676: since I first called my brother's father dad.
9677: -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
9678: %%
9679: Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
9680: People are always available for work in the past tense.
9681: %%
9682: better !pout !cry
9683: better watchout
9684: lpr why
9685: santa claus <north pole >town
9686:
9687: cat /etc/passwd >list
9688: ncheck list
9689: ncheck list
9690: cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
9691: cat list | grep nice >giftlist
9692: santa claus <north pole > town
9693:
9694: who | grep sleeping
9695: who | grep awake
9696: who | egrep 'bad|good'
9697: for (goodness sake) {
9698: be good
9699: }
9700: %%
9701: /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
9702: %%
9703: f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
9704: %%
9705: f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
9706: %%
9707: pi seconds is a nanocentury.
9708: -- Tom Duff
9709: %%
9710: we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
9711: we will cry over things we used to laugh &
9712: our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
9713: creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
9714: in the end a summer with wild winds &
9715: new friends will be.
9716: %%
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